The Addams Family (1964) s01e05 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family I had no idea Cousin BIeak was such a difficult subject.
You're painting him from memory and it's a magnificent Iikeness.
-Superb! -Thank you, darling.
There's something about the eyes, I just can't seem to get them.
That Iid droops just a bit too much.
-The right eye or the Ieft? -The middle one.
Perfect.
That's the Iook that used to get the girls.
Darling, the children are going to be Iate for their birthday party.
Would you ring for Lurch? -You rang? -Yes, Lurch.
Would you get the children, please? WEDNESDAY: We're coming! PUGSLEY: We're coming! -Oh, what's that, darling? -Harold's birthday present.
A tarantula.
Oh, dear Pugsley.
He's so generous.
That old Addams tradition, a heart of gold.
Well, we'II have to have it gift-wrapped.
Let's see now.
A birthday present.
Festive occasion.
-I think black would be appropriate.
-BIack it is, my dear.
Here, darling, Iet me do that.
You're all thumbs.
Wouldn't that be interesting? -Lurch, please take the children to the car.
-LURCH: Yes, madam.
Where are they going? Whee! To the Pomeroy boy's birthday party.
You mean those people with the white picket fence and the pink geraniums? How could you? There's something to what he says, Morticia.
They are a bit peculiar.
I bet they've got daisies in their backyard.
PIease don't make me ill.
Now, now, now.
We must be tolerant of our neighbors.
Thank you, Thing.
There you are, Pugsley! GOMEZ: Your mother is still the world's best tarantula wrapper.
Now remember, children, not every family is as fortunate as we are.
Not everyone has a beautiful old house Iike ours.
And a car with all the right sounds and smells.
You must be modest about our advantages.
-We'II be good.
-I know you will, darling.
I'm sure Harold will Iove his present.
Bye, children! Have a good time.
Pugsley, only five pieces of cake, now! Well, I guess I'd better go in and finish knitting my tea cozy.
Morticia, don't move.
Remember how I carried you across the threshold that first time? Not only across the threshold, but through the Iiving room and up the stairs and into our room.
And I dropped you only once.
I'II swear these fish seem to know when you're gonna feed them.
They're a Iot more aware than people give them credit for being.
That's breeding.
There's no waste with piranha.
Darling, I think the children are home.
I wonder what the children are doing back so soon? I don't know.
Why are you home from the party so early? GOMEZ: What happened? Was there trouble? A small altercation.
Harold Pomeroy said his family was better than our family.
He said we were a bunch of kooks.
Kooks? Oh, he couldn't have meant it.
Of course not, how could the child fail to recognize character when he sees it? I told you the Pomeroys were no good.
With their neat Iittle petunia patches.
Riffraff! I tell you, they're nothing but riffraff.
Lurch, you better take the children to their rooms.
LURCH: Yes, madam.
I always did suspect those white plaster ducks out on the Iawn.
Darling, some people have a twisted sense of beauty.
Rude behavior Iike that begins with the parents.
Well, what are you gonna do about it? Just stand there and take it? Certainly not.
I'm going to send Pomeroy an insulting Ietter.
Darling, I don't think we should Iend our name to such a thing.
He could sign it, "A friend.
" An insulting Ietter signed, "A Friend.
" That would be novel.
I think we should turn the other cheek.
No, when people insulted me, I always turned the other cheek.
-Well? -I ran out of cheeks.
No, there's only one way to settle this.
Uncle Fester! Uncle Fester, please, not that.
-But, Morticia, the family honor! -He's right, Morticia, the family honor.
You'II have to challenge Pomeroy to a duel.
No, I'd rather shoot him in the back.
Uncle Fester, that is not the honorable way.
I know, but it's the safe way.
Uncle Fester, I'm ashamed of you.
An Addams doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.
I do.
I'II shoot him in the back.
Uncle Fester, remember the Addams name! It'II have to be a duel.
With swords? With victory going to the swiftest, the cunningest, the deadliest.
I'II shoot him in the back.
-Wait, how about pistols? -Well, that's different -Does he get one, too? -Naturally.
-Loaded? -You get one bullet apiece.
In the back.
We have visitors.
It's Mr.
Pomeroy.
Little Harold is with him.
-See? They've come to make peace.
-I hope not.
I'II handle this.
Remember, you took care of the gas inspector.
Darling, why don't we handle this together? -A Pomeroy does not slam gates.
-I didn't slam it, Dad.
-A Pomeroy does not Iie, either.
-But, Dad Come along.
I'm Cecil B.
Pomeroy.
Perhaps you've heard of me.
I'm in oil.
Oh, boiling? Lubricating.
I wouldn't make Iight of this.
Look at my son Harold.
Fine-Iooking boy.
Nice eyes.
Well, one of them, anyway.
And that's what your hoodlum offspring did with his fists.
Our son used his fists? AII those karate Iessons wasted! I'II thank you both to stop joking.
My son has been sorely wounded and I demand an apology.
Very well, Mr.
Pomeroy.
If it'II make you happy, I apologize.
Not from you.
From that pugnacious child of yours.
-Him.
-Children.
I understand, Pugsley, that you and Harold engaged in a Iittle tiff this afternoon.
-AII I did was tear his jacket a Iittle.
-You tore my family crest.
Well, you wouldn't have got a sock in the eye if you hadn't said your family was better than our family.
-Our family is better.
-It is not.
Children, children.
I think you ought to apologize to Harold.
I'm sorry I punched you in the eye, Harold.
She must have hit him while his back was turned.
In the eye? I don't know, it's possible.
Remember my Cousin Curdle? Yes! Well, we're sorry about the whole mess, Pomeroy.
Yes, won't you come in and have a cup of tea? And the children can play together and forget all about their Iittle spat.
-Well -Do come in.
-I'II Iet you ride my jaguar.
-Can I, Dad? AII right, but stay in the yard.
Don't go into the street.
Oh, we never run the jaguar out in the street.
Come on, Harold.
I'm so glad we got this thing straightened out.
Yes, we're not only neighbors but I find we have some adjoining Iand along the county Iine.
You got stuck, too! Yes.
That doesn't happen to the Pomeroys usually.
It's one of the things we're proud of.
Matter of fact, we asked Professor Simms to trace our family genealogy back to -Merciful heavens! What was that? -Pugsley's jaguar.
Pugsley's You mean that your child is having my son ride a wild animal? Don't worry, when Fang makes that noise, nobody rides him.
There, you see? They've already found something else to amuse them.
Nothing Iike the Iaughter of happy children, is there, Pomeroy? Well, my son has Iittle time for frivolity.
After all, he's being trained to follow in the family Excuse me.
Is that thing real? Everything in our home is real, Mr.
Pomeroy.
Taste! There's quite a story behind that trophy, Pomeroy.
Cousin Farouk was a skin-diver.
He dived out of a rowboat in an attempt to spear a rare species of eel.
At the same moment a big fish swept up from the depths, also after the eel.
-They were on a collision course.
-The rest is taxidermy.
HAROLD: I did it! I did it! Little Pugsley is teaching Harold how to handle dynamite caps.
Dynamite? There, you see? Their Iittle spat of this afternoon is all forgotten.
We adults could Iearn a Iot from our children, eh, Pomeroy? -More tea, Mr.
Pomeroy? -No, thanks.
That thing bit me! I'm sure you're mistaken, Mr.
Pomeroy.
Our birds would never attack Iiving things.
Children, stop playing with that trap door.
Uncle Fester just greased it.
Your trap door? -In the playroom, for our gallows.
-It's a family heirloom.
-PUGSLEY: We're sorry, Harold! -Don't be mad, Harold.
We're sorry we dropped him through the trap door.
Addams, what the devil have they been doing? Can't you see? PIaying! POMEROY: Harold! Addams, I never wanna see these two Iittle creeps in my home again.
And I promise you that never again will I set foot in this menagerie.
In that case, sir, I'II have to ask you to Ieave.
Ask me? I can hardly wait to get out of Lurch, show Mr.
Pomeroy out.
Addamses, you are kooks.
Calling our children creeps.
Bawling off about his ancestry, his professor, his genealogist.
I could have really have stopped him with a few things about the Addams ancestry! -Why didn't you? -I couldn't think of anything.
You're right.
You're right, I should have told him.
But it's been so Iong since I've Iooked into the family records.
Anybody can tell what kind of a family we are.
But to him, we're peasants.
We need proof.
Proof! And I'II ram it down Mr.
BIowhard's throat.
I'II get you your proof, darling.
I'm going to call in a genealogist.
-We'II get his Professor Simms.
-He can trace our family tree.
Trace it? I know where it is.
Uncle Fester sits in it every day.
The mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
-It's for you, Mommy.
-Thank you, darling.
Oh, isn't that sweet? It's from Professor Simms, the genealogist.
He says, "Working on a family tree Iike yours should be a real challenge.
" We better get all the Addams family heirlooms and records together.
My dear, I've already dug up a Iot of material.
Isn't that beautiful? -Oh, the old Addams barn.
-Darling, that's Aunt BIemish.
Are you sure? You maybe right.
-Oh, I don't recognize those two at all.
-That's only one.
Of course, Grandpa SIurp.
I should have known him by his buck teeth.
And receding chin.
He was a handsome devil.
Remember this picture? -Cousin CIot! -Just before they threw the switch.
My, he was photogenic.
I'II never forget the day the judge imposed sentence.
CIotty stood there, head high, shoulders back, and said, "It's a bum rap.
" An Addams to the end.
Darling, we better get these things ready.
That does it.
I doubt that I could have made one more trip to the attic.
I hope the genealogist's got enough material to work with.
You know, I think we should use more of these Iovely things in the Iiving room.
I didn't know Granduncle Grisly was a traitor.
Oh, yes! But he only did it for money.
Is Professor Simms still working in the Iibrary? Yes, darling.
I think you better take these things in to him.
I'II get the doorbell, Lurch.
-I came to return this gift.
-Is there something wrong with it? I don't know.
Weren't you surprised when you opened it? I sure was.
It was empty.
Pugsley? Your birthday present escaped.
Better Iet Harold pick out something else.
Okay.
Come on up to my room, Harold, and pick out what you want.
I'm not supposed to stay.
A call for Master Pomeroy.
Come along, children.
-Hello? -Did you return the present? Yes, and I'm getting out of here as fast as I can.
No, no! Tell them it was all a mistake.
A horrible mistake.
Yes.
Act nice and friendly.
Yes, friendly.
They have some Iand next to mine and my man thinks there's oil on it.
Just act nice and friendly and I'II be over there soon.
My dad said it was all a horrible mistake.
I'm to be nice and friendly.
Oh, that's Iovely.
Pugsley, you must Iet Harold play with your octopus.
Not that friendly.
Oh, don't be a sissy.
Well, all right.
I'II even show you how to juggle meat cleavers.
Morticia, Professor Simms feels he's on the trail of something.
Oh, I do hope it's something gloomy.
For a moment I thought there might be some relationship to the New England Adamses, John and John Quincy.
People often assume that.
It's been a great source of embarrassment to us.
We spell our name with two "D's".
The additional "D" makes the difference.
Good heavens! Do you suppose that's the reason Mr.
Pomeroy thought there was something wrong with us? -Professor, is something wrong? -Oh, no.
No, no, that is Well, things do seem a bit off.
I've traced Mrs.
Addams back to the early colonial days at Salem, Massachusetts.
Interesting place, Salem.
-They burned witches there, you know.
-Yes.
I'm certainly glad they don't do that today.
And I found a family of Addamses Iiving in a native village far up the Amazon river, deep in the jungle.
But the head of the family seems to have disappeared.
Completely? Usually they just shrink them.
Yes.
And I've established that one ancestor back in 270 A.
D.
used this torch to set fire to the Iibrary at AIexandria, Egypt.
Mamoud Khali Pasha Addams, the firebug of the Bosporus.
We should tell Mr.
Pomeroy about him.
Oh, the Pomeroy background has quite a few unusual characters, too.
Really? But I do think that professional ethics forbids me discussing it.
Of course.
Otherwise I would tell you of Pegleg Pomeroy, the scourge of Denver, Erwin Pomeroy, the hanging judge, and Haversham Pomeroy, the BIuebeard of Boston.
Well, what do you know? It's quite an impressive background.
I don't blame him for feeling superior.
Darling, sometimes you can just misjudge people.
Pomeroy, come in.
-PIease have a cigar.
-Oh, no, thank you.
Mr.
Pomeroy.
You know, I believe I owe you both an apology.
Not at all, it's we who owe you an apology.
And I can understand your pride after Iearning about your family background.
-Lovely rug.
-Thank you.
-Do sit down.
-Thank you, thank you.
Delighted.
The children are upstairs playing with Iittle Pugsley's octopus.
-Live, of course.
-How did you know? Every young boy should have a Iive octopus.
We do think alike, don't we? True, true.
And as a Iittle peace offering, I'd Iike to take that awful acreage that we both got stuck with off your hands.
Same price you paid for it, of course.
$1,000 an acre.
Let's not talk about business.
Let's talk about our illustrious families.
Why didn't you tell us about Pegleg Pomeroy? I beg your pardon? Oh, come, Mr.
Pomeroy, we know all about him.
Quite a streak of skullduggery in the Pomeroy Iine, isn't there? Well, I And don't tell us you're going to deny knowing anything about Grapeshot Pomeroy.
-Pomeroy is a very common name.
-Isn't he the modest one? I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.
Aren't you proud of being descended from a pirate? -I'II pay you $2,000 an acre.
-Isn't he generous? BIuebeard Pomeroy would be proud of him.
BIuebeard -$3,000 an acre.
-Well, if you insist.
My check will be here first thing in the morning.
-You come back, paleface.
-Oh, isn't that sweet.
Get me away from these barbarians.
He's had a tiring day.
Harold, the Addams family is every bit as good as ours.
Well, BIack Bart and BIoody Addams, true.
-You see? -Now say goodbye to your Iittle friend.
-Bye.
-Goodbye, Harold.
-Goodbye, Mr.
Pomeroy.
-Goodbye.
Harold, you forgot to say goodbye to Kitty.
No! Now, Harold, we must say goodbye to Kitty.
Here, Kitty.
Here, Kitty.
What happened to the Pomeroys? These businessmen.
AIways in such a hurry.
Really nice of Pomeroy to take all that worthless Iand off our hands.
How do you know it's worthless, darling? Well, one thing's certain, there's no oil on it.
It's been checked and rechecked.
Guess he just wanted to apologize for calling us kooks.
Thank you.
Right in the heart! Morticia, your aim is perfect.
So female.
So deadly.
So Iovely.
Darling, where's Professor Simms? Do you think? No, Kitty can't stand the taste of people.