The Addams Family (1964) s01e06 Episode Script
Morticia Joins the Ladies League
They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Mama! I didn't know there was anyone down here in the playroom.
I just came down here to relax.
Uncle Fester! I see you're relaxing, too.
Very sensible.
Something the matter with that door.
-You rang? -This door wants attention, Lurch.
Dear Uncle Fester, is there anything I can do for you? No, I'm very comfortable.
This feels so good.
Thank you, Lurch.
That's much better.
I just Iove creaky doors.
We both thought we'd rest up a bit before going on our spider hunt.
That reminds me, have you seen Iittle Pugsley's octopus? It's been running all over the house.
Aristotle! That animal's just plain spoiled.
I know, Mama, but you know how children are with their pets.
That's not right, Morticia.
Children need discipline.
I know, Mama, but they also need Iove.
That's why I Ieft Gomez and Pugsley alone upstairs.
They need some time together.
You know, father and son.
Father, could I go to the circus? What's come over you, Son? Why would a healthy American boy wanna go to the circus? What was that thing you got yourself involved with Iast week? -The Boy Scouts? -Oh, yeah.
The Boy Scouts.
-This week it's a circus.
-I'm sorry, Father.
Well, just this once, mainly because he happens to be a friend of mine.
The gorilla? No, the owner of the circus, Oscar Webber.
I'd rather know Gorgo.
I've got Iots of people friends, but I don't know one gorilla.
Oscar was a sword-swallower when I first met him.
"Oscar, the Human Knife-Nibbler.
" That's a nice name, but I'd still rather know Gorgo.
He'd make a wonderful pet.
You're right.
I'II have Lurch get the car ready.
We'II have a grand old time.
We Addamses always had a way with gorillas.
You rang? The car, Lurch.
I'm taking Pugsley to the circus.
Thanks, Father.
Gomez? You simply must do something about that bell.
Lurch says he can hardly hear it.
Morticia, I'm taking Pugsley to the circus.
Do you really think you should? I mean, after all, I'd feel a Iot better if he was home playing in his bat cave.
This circus can't be so bad.
It's Oscar Webber.
You remember Oscar.
Oscar Webber, of course.
But what in the world is he doing with a circus? -He owns this one.
-Lovely.
You know, I'II never forget the wonderful times we had when we double-dated with him and his girl.
What was her name? That Irish girl with the pictures all over her.
Tattoo Ralloo Raloora, the IIIustrated Colleen.
That's the one.
I especially Ioved the one that Picasso did on her chest.
Well, you two run along and have fun.
I must say it'II be especially Ionely here with the others off on a spider hunt.
I feel so guilty running out on you, Tish.
Oh, darling, don't.
I'II be busy with my plants.
My coniferons, bless them.
They're eating Iike pigs.
Especially since I switched them from pot roast to hamburger.
Say, why don't you invite some neighbors in? I would Iike to have that Iovely Miss Magruder.
You know, the one with the beautiful hatchet face.
This is Mrs.
Magruder.
Mrs.
Addams! The woman in that strange house.
She wants to join the Ladies' League.
Heavens.
-Inviting us to tea.
-Think we should? We are on a membership drive.
We'II be delighted.
Oh, yes, we know the house.
The one that Well, it does Iook sort of haunted.
Why, thank you! And thank you, Thing.
There, that wasn't so difficult, was it? Darling, being married to you makes me the world's most fortunate woman.
You always were so frank.
-GOMEZ: Ready, Pugsley? -Be right down! Just want to get some money out of my piggy bank, Father! Whew! Ready.
Ready.
Look who we're going to see, Mother.
The mighty Gorgo.
-My, he is a handsome fellow.
-Yeah.
GOMEZ: Business really Iooks bad for Mr.
Webber.
There he is! I'm going over to find Mr.
Webber.
You go play with the gorilla.
I just couldn't wait to see you, Oscar.
How Iong have you owned the circus? I bought it three years ago.
But this past season, everything's gone wrong.
The fat Iady fell in Iove.
Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.
-Lost 240 pounds.
-That could be noticeable.
Then Marvin the Midget, he got himself on a vitamin kick.
Little punk started growing again.
-Oh, no.
-Yeah.
I went along with it for a while.
But when he hit 5'8", I had to fire him.
as the world's tallest midget? Tried that.
"The World's Skinniest Fat Lady.
" But it didn't work.
The only real attraction I got Ieft is Gorgo the gorilla.
I saw him as we came in.
He's quite a fellow.
Good voice.
But even Gorgo doesn't bring in the customers Iike he used to.
If you've seen one gorilla, you've seen them all.
What are you gonna do, Oscar? Well, I'm gonna close down early tonight and go to Springfield, see if I can pick up a couple of new acts.
The funniest thing happened to me in Springfield.
Wish I could remember what it was.
My word, the afternoon has flown, Oscar.
I must be running along.
It's been a Iot of fun, Gomez.
Now, you promise you'II call us the minute you come back from Springfield.
Morticia and I wanna have you for dinner soon.
We'II prepare something special.
Eye of newt.
-Eye of newt? -Baked.
Pugsley! Time to go home.
Fine-Iooking beast, isn't he, Son? Yeah, we're buddies.
I told you, we Addamses have always had a way with gorillas.
Bye, Gorgo.
MORTICIA: I'm so glad Pugsley enjoyed the gorilla.
Fine type.
-Could I hang Gorgo's picture in my room? -Well, of course you may, darling.
He has such a fine sense of beauty.
-Goodnight, Mother.
-Goodnight, darling.
Goodnight, Father.
-Sweet dreams.
-I hope they're about gorillas.
That boy, cute as a bat's ear.
Gorgo! It's you, it's really you! You'II wake the family.
I just wired Oscar in Springfield, told him Gorgo is with us, there's nothing to worry about.
You know, I've been watching him play with Pugsley.
They've been racing to the top of that tree.
-Pugsley's won every time.
-A true Addams.
Of course, the boy has an advantage.
Gorgo can't hang by his teeth Iike our son can.
That's true.
I never thought of that.
A snack for the plants.
No, thank you, Lurch.
They're getting much too fat.
Lurch, have you seen our new houseguest? -He's the smartest ape I ever met.
-He seems to have Iovely manners.
Sets a fine example for Iittle Pugsley.
Lurch, you will show him the usual Addams hospitality.
Fine man, Lurch, but a bit of a snob.
We've been having such fun.
This is my mother, Gorgo.
He is a playful one, isn't he? We want you to feel quite at home here.
-Just happy to be here, I guess.
-Pugsley, darling, try to make your friend understand that expressions of gratitude aren't necessary.
And, by all means, forget you were in a cage and just act Iike one of the family.
-I'II bet you youngsters are hungry.
-I'II ring for Lurch.
Lurch, Iunch.
Perhaps a bunch of bananas.
Bring two, I'm going to eat as much as he does.
-Isn't he darling? -Yes, as I've always said, any boy who Ioves cobras, toads and apes can't be all bad.
I'm so happy.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Angel.
I did so want everything to be all right -when the Iadies come for tea.
-Why shouldn't they be, sweet? Well, with Mama away, and all my tea Iinens need Iaundering If only I wasn't so busy with my plants.
That is a problem.
The problem is solved.
Me? Laundry? -Dear Lurch, I knew you would pitch in.
-It's the old Addams spirit, Lurch.
Yes, sir.
-Now Iet's see, what shall I serve? -Let's think.
Darling, you're always there with the right suggestion.
Excuse me.
Lurch, to the harpsichord and play.
-While I'm doing the Iaundry? -No, no, now.
It helps me to think.
Ole.
That's very nice, but you're still missing the wrinkles.
Sorry.
Oh, well, it's all right.
You've never worked as a Iaundress before.
Have you? I'II try again.
Now, you mustn't be impatient with Gorgo, Lurch.
Very nice, but you're still missing the wrinkles.
Oh, I think I'II do the dining room curtains, too, Lurch.
I should've bought black curtains.
BIack is so much more cheerful.
-Isn't it amazing? -Congratulations, Gorgo.
Well, Lurch, there are some things you can do and some things an ape can do.
Darling, I'm afraid you hurt poor Lurch's feelings.
AII I said to him was, "Lurch, there are some things you can do "and some things an ape can do.
" What could be fairer than that? I know, dear, but Lurch is very sensitive.
Besides, I think he's jealous of Gorgo.
He probably thinks Gorgo is after his job.
That's absurd.
Lurch has been with us too Iong.
I better explain it to him.
You rang? Lurch, something been bothering you? Perhaps you resent our houseguest.
Well, Lurch, you shouldn't, because we feel that you're his equal in every way.
He has talent, true, but you have charm and personality.
No question about it.
Come on, Iet's see you turn a Iittle of it on.
I'd Iike to see the woman who could resist that.
Well, we just wanted you to know how we feel about you.
We hope the feeling's mutual.
-Good.
-That will be all, Lurch.
Darling, you handled that beautifully.
Well, there's nothing Iike a good heart-to-heart talk.
-She's almost finished, Pugsley.
-Looks Iike a real space rocket.
WOMAN: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Is someone there? Addams residence.
One moment please.
-Mrs.
Addams.
-Oh, thank you, Lurch.
Ready for the countdown, Pugsley.
Went right through Uncle Fester's room.
Too bad he's not home, he'd have gotten a bang out of it.
That was Mrs.
Magruder.
She and Mrs.
Page are on their way over.
In that case, I'II take a run over to my dentist.
He's got some wonderful new drills.
But, darling, I did want you to be here when the Iadies arrive.
No, I don't.
I know the effect you have on the opposite sex.
Sometimes it frightens me.
I Iive in constant fear that some woman will steal you away from me.
Banish the fear mi querida.
You are the only cactus in the garden of my Iife.
I'm sure glad gorillas don't act this way.
I'm so delighted you Iadies could come.
-Our pleasure, Mrs.
Addams.
-We'd heard so much about your home.
You certainly have some unusual furnishings.
I was afraid the white curtains would give it a dreary Iook.
That's a very unusual clock there.
Oh, thank you.
It keeps perfect time.
Well, I'm afraid it's 10 minutes slow.
What strange plants! Well, they're really not at their best.
I think they need some more hamburger.
-Hamburger? -Their favorite food.
Well, I never heard of it as plant food.
I wonder if it would be good for my daisies.
I wouldn't know.
I've never raised daisies.
Won't you Iadies be seated? If you'II excuse me a moment, I'II see if the tea is ready.
That's excellent.
I'II ring when I want you to serve.
I serve.
-Are you ready for tea? -Thank you.
That bell! -Oh, we're having it fixed.
-I should think so.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Gorgo's so handy around the house.
And a fantastic Iaundress.
Now, Iemon, cream or saccharin? Mrs.
Magruder? Gorgo! -My sweet, you mustn't be so distressed.
-But I did so want to join their club.
And Gorgo spoiled everything.
You know, I once read somewhere where some people are afraid of gorillas.
Nonsense.
Who could possibly be afraid of a gorilla? No, it was just that he served so abominably, spilling the tea out of the pot.
I can imagine, spilling the tea.
I hope you didn't punish him.
Oh, no, I tried to cheer him up.
I gave him some more clothes to iron.
Thoughtful of you, Tish.
I'II get it.
Oscar! How good to see you.
I just got in town and came right over to pick up Gorgo.
-Come in, come in.
-Thank you.
Gorgo, your master is here.
-He's ironing clothes? -He Iearnt it all by himself.
Show him how well you do it, Gorgo.
Gorgo, the killer gorilla, a Iaundress! I'm ruined, I'm ruined.
Not while there's an Addams on the scene.
There must be a solution.
Eureka! And now, Iadies and gentlemen, I bring you the great attraction that you have all been waiting to see, the attraction that has brought thousands of people to my circus this week.
Gorgo, the world's most domesticated gorilla.
Darling, did I tell you I spoke to Mrs.
Magruder? -She saw Gorgo at the carnival.
-And all is forgiven? She apologized for being so hasty when she realized we were training him for a friend.
Gorgo.
Guess he was won over by his association with a typical American family.
Darling, you're so right.
However, the next time I serve tea to Mrs.
Magruder, I'm going to do it in the usual way.
Never spills a drop.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Mama! I didn't know there was anyone down here in the playroom.
I just came down here to relax.
Uncle Fester! I see you're relaxing, too.
Very sensible.
Something the matter with that door.
-You rang? -This door wants attention, Lurch.
Dear Uncle Fester, is there anything I can do for you? No, I'm very comfortable.
This feels so good.
Thank you, Lurch.
That's much better.
I just Iove creaky doors.
We both thought we'd rest up a bit before going on our spider hunt.
That reminds me, have you seen Iittle Pugsley's octopus? It's been running all over the house.
Aristotle! That animal's just plain spoiled.
I know, Mama, but you know how children are with their pets.
That's not right, Morticia.
Children need discipline.
I know, Mama, but they also need Iove.
That's why I Ieft Gomez and Pugsley alone upstairs.
They need some time together.
You know, father and son.
Father, could I go to the circus? What's come over you, Son? Why would a healthy American boy wanna go to the circus? What was that thing you got yourself involved with Iast week? -The Boy Scouts? -Oh, yeah.
The Boy Scouts.
-This week it's a circus.
-I'm sorry, Father.
Well, just this once, mainly because he happens to be a friend of mine.
The gorilla? No, the owner of the circus, Oscar Webber.
I'd rather know Gorgo.
I've got Iots of people friends, but I don't know one gorilla.
Oscar was a sword-swallower when I first met him.
"Oscar, the Human Knife-Nibbler.
" That's a nice name, but I'd still rather know Gorgo.
He'd make a wonderful pet.
You're right.
I'II have Lurch get the car ready.
We'II have a grand old time.
We Addamses always had a way with gorillas.
You rang? The car, Lurch.
I'm taking Pugsley to the circus.
Thanks, Father.
Gomez? You simply must do something about that bell.
Lurch says he can hardly hear it.
Morticia, I'm taking Pugsley to the circus.
Do you really think you should? I mean, after all, I'd feel a Iot better if he was home playing in his bat cave.
This circus can't be so bad.
It's Oscar Webber.
You remember Oscar.
Oscar Webber, of course.
But what in the world is he doing with a circus? -He owns this one.
-Lovely.
You know, I'II never forget the wonderful times we had when we double-dated with him and his girl.
What was her name? That Irish girl with the pictures all over her.
Tattoo Ralloo Raloora, the IIIustrated Colleen.
That's the one.
I especially Ioved the one that Picasso did on her chest.
Well, you two run along and have fun.
I must say it'II be especially Ionely here with the others off on a spider hunt.
I feel so guilty running out on you, Tish.
Oh, darling, don't.
I'II be busy with my plants.
My coniferons, bless them.
They're eating Iike pigs.
Especially since I switched them from pot roast to hamburger.
Say, why don't you invite some neighbors in? I would Iike to have that Iovely Miss Magruder.
You know, the one with the beautiful hatchet face.
This is Mrs.
Magruder.
Mrs.
Addams! The woman in that strange house.
She wants to join the Ladies' League.
Heavens.
-Inviting us to tea.
-Think we should? We are on a membership drive.
We'II be delighted.
Oh, yes, we know the house.
The one that Well, it does Iook sort of haunted.
Why, thank you! And thank you, Thing.
There, that wasn't so difficult, was it? Darling, being married to you makes me the world's most fortunate woman.
You always were so frank.
-GOMEZ: Ready, Pugsley? -Be right down! Just want to get some money out of my piggy bank, Father! Whew! Ready.
Ready.
Look who we're going to see, Mother.
The mighty Gorgo.
-My, he is a handsome fellow.
-Yeah.
GOMEZ: Business really Iooks bad for Mr.
Webber.
There he is! I'm going over to find Mr.
Webber.
You go play with the gorilla.
I just couldn't wait to see you, Oscar.
How Iong have you owned the circus? I bought it three years ago.
But this past season, everything's gone wrong.
The fat Iady fell in Iove.
Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.
-Lost 240 pounds.
-That could be noticeable.
Then Marvin the Midget, he got himself on a vitamin kick.
Little punk started growing again.
-Oh, no.
-Yeah.
I went along with it for a while.
But when he hit 5'8", I had to fire him.
as the world's tallest midget? Tried that.
"The World's Skinniest Fat Lady.
" But it didn't work.
The only real attraction I got Ieft is Gorgo the gorilla.
I saw him as we came in.
He's quite a fellow.
Good voice.
But even Gorgo doesn't bring in the customers Iike he used to.
If you've seen one gorilla, you've seen them all.
What are you gonna do, Oscar? Well, I'm gonna close down early tonight and go to Springfield, see if I can pick up a couple of new acts.
The funniest thing happened to me in Springfield.
Wish I could remember what it was.
My word, the afternoon has flown, Oscar.
I must be running along.
It's been a Iot of fun, Gomez.
Now, you promise you'II call us the minute you come back from Springfield.
Morticia and I wanna have you for dinner soon.
We'II prepare something special.
Eye of newt.
-Eye of newt? -Baked.
Pugsley! Time to go home.
Fine-Iooking beast, isn't he, Son? Yeah, we're buddies.
I told you, we Addamses have always had a way with gorillas.
Bye, Gorgo.
MORTICIA: I'm so glad Pugsley enjoyed the gorilla.
Fine type.
-Could I hang Gorgo's picture in my room? -Well, of course you may, darling.
He has such a fine sense of beauty.
-Goodnight, Mother.
-Goodnight, darling.
Goodnight, Father.
-Sweet dreams.
-I hope they're about gorillas.
That boy, cute as a bat's ear.
Gorgo! It's you, it's really you! You'II wake the family.
I just wired Oscar in Springfield, told him Gorgo is with us, there's nothing to worry about.
You know, I've been watching him play with Pugsley.
They've been racing to the top of that tree.
-Pugsley's won every time.
-A true Addams.
Of course, the boy has an advantage.
Gorgo can't hang by his teeth Iike our son can.
That's true.
I never thought of that.
A snack for the plants.
No, thank you, Lurch.
They're getting much too fat.
Lurch, have you seen our new houseguest? -He's the smartest ape I ever met.
-He seems to have Iovely manners.
Sets a fine example for Iittle Pugsley.
Lurch, you will show him the usual Addams hospitality.
Fine man, Lurch, but a bit of a snob.
We've been having such fun.
This is my mother, Gorgo.
He is a playful one, isn't he? We want you to feel quite at home here.
-Just happy to be here, I guess.
-Pugsley, darling, try to make your friend understand that expressions of gratitude aren't necessary.
And, by all means, forget you were in a cage and just act Iike one of the family.
-I'II bet you youngsters are hungry.
-I'II ring for Lurch.
Lurch, Iunch.
Perhaps a bunch of bananas.
Bring two, I'm going to eat as much as he does.
-Isn't he darling? -Yes, as I've always said, any boy who Ioves cobras, toads and apes can't be all bad.
I'm so happy.
Oh, no, I'm not.
Angel.
I did so want everything to be all right -when the Iadies come for tea.
-Why shouldn't they be, sweet? Well, with Mama away, and all my tea Iinens need Iaundering If only I wasn't so busy with my plants.
That is a problem.
The problem is solved.
Me? Laundry? -Dear Lurch, I knew you would pitch in.
-It's the old Addams spirit, Lurch.
Yes, sir.
-Now Iet's see, what shall I serve? -Let's think.
Darling, you're always there with the right suggestion.
Excuse me.
Lurch, to the harpsichord and play.
-While I'm doing the Iaundry? -No, no, now.
It helps me to think.
Ole.
That's very nice, but you're still missing the wrinkles.
Sorry.
Oh, well, it's all right.
You've never worked as a Iaundress before.
Have you? I'II try again.
Now, you mustn't be impatient with Gorgo, Lurch.
Very nice, but you're still missing the wrinkles.
Oh, I think I'II do the dining room curtains, too, Lurch.
I should've bought black curtains.
BIack is so much more cheerful.
-Isn't it amazing? -Congratulations, Gorgo.
Well, Lurch, there are some things you can do and some things an ape can do.
Darling, I'm afraid you hurt poor Lurch's feelings.
AII I said to him was, "Lurch, there are some things you can do "and some things an ape can do.
" What could be fairer than that? I know, dear, but Lurch is very sensitive.
Besides, I think he's jealous of Gorgo.
He probably thinks Gorgo is after his job.
That's absurd.
Lurch has been with us too Iong.
I better explain it to him.
You rang? Lurch, something been bothering you? Perhaps you resent our houseguest.
Well, Lurch, you shouldn't, because we feel that you're his equal in every way.
He has talent, true, but you have charm and personality.
No question about it.
Come on, Iet's see you turn a Iittle of it on.
I'd Iike to see the woman who could resist that.
Well, we just wanted you to know how we feel about you.
We hope the feeling's mutual.
-Good.
-That will be all, Lurch.
Darling, you handled that beautifully.
Well, there's nothing Iike a good heart-to-heart talk.
-She's almost finished, Pugsley.
-Looks Iike a real space rocket.
WOMAN: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Is someone there? Addams residence.
One moment please.
-Mrs.
Addams.
-Oh, thank you, Lurch.
Ready for the countdown, Pugsley.
Went right through Uncle Fester's room.
Too bad he's not home, he'd have gotten a bang out of it.
That was Mrs.
Magruder.
She and Mrs.
Page are on their way over.
In that case, I'II take a run over to my dentist.
He's got some wonderful new drills.
But, darling, I did want you to be here when the Iadies arrive.
No, I don't.
I know the effect you have on the opposite sex.
Sometimes it frightens me.
I Iive in constant fear that some woman will steal you away from me.
Banish the fear mi querida.
You are the only cactus in the garden of my Iife.
I'm sure glad gorillas don't act this way.
I'm so delighted you Iadies could come.
-Our pleasure, Mrs.
Addams.
-We'd heard so much about your home.
You certainly have some unusual furnishings.
I was afraid the white curtains would give it a dreary Iook.
That's a very unusual clock there.
Oh, thank you.
It keeps perfect time.
Well, I'm afraid it's 10 minutes slow.
What strange plants! Well, they're really not at their best.
I think they need some more hamburger.
-Hamburger? -Their favorite food.
Well, I never heard of it as plant food.
I wonder if it would be good for my daisies.
I wouldn't know.
I've never raised daisies.
Won't you Iadies be seated? If you'II excuse me a moment, I'II see if the tea is ready.
That's excellent.
I'II ring when I want you to serve.
I serve.
-Are you ready for tea? -Thank you.
That bell! -Oh, we're having it fixed.
-I should think so.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Gorgo's so handy around the house.
And a fantastic Iaundress.
Now, Iemon, cream or saccharin? Mrs.
Magruder? Gorgo! -My sweet, you mustn't be so distressed.
-But I did so want to join their club.
And Gorgo spoiled everything.
You know, I once read somewhere where some people are afraid of gorillas.
Nonsense.
Who could possibly be afraid of a gorilla? No, it was just that he served so abominably, spilling the tea out of the pot.
I can imagine, spilling the tea.
I hope you didn't punish him.
Oh, no, I tried to cheer him up.
I gave him some more clothes to iron.
Thoughtful of you, Tish.
I'II get it.
Oscar! How good to see you.
I just got in town and came right over to pick up Gorgo.
-Come in, come in.
-Thank you.
Gorgo, your master is here.
-He's ironing clothes? -He Iearnt it all by himself.
Show him how well you do it, Gorgo.
Gorgo, the killer gorilla, a Iaundress! I'm ruined, I'm ruined.
Not while there's an Addams on the scene.
There must be a solution.
Eureka! And now, Iadies and gentlemen, I bring you the great attraction that you have all been waiting to see, the attraction that has brought thousands of people to my circus this week.
Gorgo, the world's most domesticated gorilla.
Darling, did I tell you I spoke to Mrs.
Magruder? -She saw Gorgo at the carnival.
-And all is forgiven? She apologized for being so hasty when she realized we were training him for a friend.
Gorgo.
Guess he was won over by his association with a typical American family.
Darling, you're so right.
However, the next time I serve tea to Mrs.
Magruder, I'm going to do it in the usual way.
Never spills a drop.