The Addams Family (1964) s01e33 Episode Script
Lurch, the Teenage Idol
Now, now, Cleopatra, no gulping.
Masticate, masticate.
- Regular little glutton today.
- She does love her giraffe burger.
And that dinner music.
Lurch! He's been stabbed! Nonsense, darling, that's the way he sings.
He'd be better stabbed.
- You know, I think Lurch has talent.
- For dancing and juggling? No, for folk singing.
They all sound like that on our TV.
- Must be out of order.
- No, I had the repairman check it.
They're doing that on all the shows now.
Singery, swingery, flingery.
- What happened to all the doctors? - Well, they're singing, too.
I do believe Lurch could become a recording star.
By Jove, you may be right.
I'll get the phone book, look up some record companies.
- Lurch will be so surprised.
- Lf they like him, so will I.
Will you stop bothering me, Addams? I told you I'm not interested in making records of singing butlers.
I only handle standard groups like The Polecats, The Zombies and The Headsplitters.
Wait a minute.
That voice.
Is that him? Well, he does have a bit of a cold.
Hang on.
Gladys, dig this sound.
Hey! That gets me.
Bickle? Are you still there? Yes, I'm still here and I'll be right there.
- Wild! - When he sings he's beautiful! He does have talent, doesn't he? I'm gonna make this guy the biggest thing in the music business.
He's already the biggest thing in the butler business.
Show him, Lurch.
Stand up.
Oh, he is a big one.
And still growing.
He'll sweep the country.
Not so fast, Bickle.
He hasn't swept the kitchen yet.
Darling, country first, kitchen later.
Grab your hat, boy, we're gonna go down to the studio and cut some records.
Oh, no.
I'm afraid dear Lurch is much too shy.
You just forget about it, Lurch.
- I'm sorry you came out here for nothing.
- For nothing? Just a moment, my dear, this is the sort of thing Lurch needs.
He's too inhibited.
This will bring out his true personality.
You see? The mere thought of it has him bubbling.
Well, it's all settled, Bickle.
You bring your recording equipment over after supper.
You've got a deal.
And you're gonna fracture 'em, pal.
My, that sounds attractive.
Mr.
Bickle's almost finished, dear.
Last time I was this nervous, you had twins.
I never had twins, darling.
- You didn't? - No.
I must have been dreaming.
Darling, you are nervous.
Perhaps a little fencing will make you relax.
Dear.
- En garde.
- Tish.
That French.
It goes right through me.
They're through recording.
Be right with you.
- Darling, what are you doing? - Marking my place.
This guy is dynamite.
He'll be bigger than The Beagles.
- The Beagles? - They're very tasty.
Those are bagels.
The Bagels? That's a great group, too.
Well, gotta get going.
Take care, Lurchy baby.
My, isn't she the motherly one? - Your voice is beautiful, Lurch.
- But I'd do a little work on my aim.
Sorry.
Watusi! You forgot the Freddy.
Oh, my two favorite dances.
The Freddy and the mazurka.
- This is where he lives.
- Real cool pad.
Joan, Susie! - This is Lurch's place.
- Oh, crazy! Such soothing music.
That was the voice of Benny Bickle's hot new find, Lurch.
And now Well, Lurch, with a talent like that, you ought to be a shoo-in as king of the butler's ball.
Lurch, you go and practice, and that's an order.
Hey, sounds like an accident.
Great shades of Satan! A lynch mob! Nonsense.
Lurch wasn't that bad.
They're in an ugly mood.
But I'm ready for them.
Battle stations, everyone.
Man the guns.
Pass the ammunition.
No, no, no, Gomez.
It's not a lynch mob.
Look, dear, it's Lurch's fans.
Isn't that sweet? They really love you, Lurch.
Work.
Isn't he splendid? So devoted to his job.
The perfect servant.
Remind me to give him a raise.
Better still, I'll buy one of his records.
We want Lurch! We want Lurch! We want Lurch! We want Lurch! We want Lurch! Practice.
All right, now.
Eye on the ball.
Darling, suppose I miss the ball and hit you? Counts as a stroke.
Helps develop accuracy.
Very clever.
A hole in one! What a lovely sport.
After lunch we'll try it blindfolded.
Yes, it does make you work up an appetite, doesn't it? I'll ring for Lurch and have him fix lunch.
Darling, what in the world could have happened to Lurch? That bell is a bit difficult to hear.
We'd better go down to the kitchen.
Observe the professional touch.
By george, a club in one.
Now, "Fillet of fenny snake, In the cauldron boil and bake.
" Fillet of fenny snake.
Fenny snake.
We're always out of staples.
Well, I guess I'll just have to use some chopped eel.
Get away, Thing.
Make your own lunch.
Uncle Fester, have you seen - What are you doing? - I'm fixing my lunch, what else? A fine butler we've got.
I rang and I rang but he didn't answer.
I'm starving.
That looks very tasty.
It's a recipe I found in a book.
Let's see.
"Fillet of fenny snake in a cauldron boil and bake.
"Eye of newt and toe of frog, "wool of bat and pollywog.
" Stop, stop, you're making me hungry.
Uncle Fester, this isn't a cookbook.
That's the witches' scene from Macbeth.
Hey, that Shakespeare was a real gourmet, wasn't he? Lurch should be fixing lunch.
It isn't like him to neglect his duties like this.
He hasn't answered anybody's ring for hours.
- Maybe he just quit and walked out.
- Oh, he wouldn't do that.
Not without taking his references.
Gomez, we'd better look for the poor dear and try and help him.
Let's look in the playroom.
While I was gabbing the whole thing's gone flat.
- Oh, there you are.
- Where have you been, Lurch? Playroom.
Practicing.
He didn't want to disturb us.
Isn't that thoughtful? Well, it'd be more thoughtful if you practiced in the kitchen.
But, darling, you're the one who told him to practice.
Very well.
Put the blame on me.
My shoulders are broad.
At least they are in this suit.
Mr.
Bickle says Lurch is breaking records.
I prefer a butler who breaks dishes.
Yes, Mr.
Addams.
We are faced with a very serious problem, and there is only one thing we can do.
Worry.
- Oh, dear, I'm glad to see you're relaxing.
- Helps me worry.
Have you caught anything? The last time you caught one of Mama's dress shoes.
- This time I caught the other one.
- Oh, that's good.
She does look better in a matching pair.
Oh, the mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
I'm expecting an important letter from my banker, broker, taxman and barber.
Barber? He's a wonderful banker, broker and taxman.
- I'll take them, my dear.
- Darling, they're all for Lurch.
- Lurch? - Fan mail.
Oh, these are for me.
- Lurch? - Lurch.
- Lurch? - Lurch.
Well, no wonder there were none for me.
The postman didn't have enough room.
Come on, now.
That Lurch charm.
You know, this is for your fans.
Now, let's see those pretty dimples.
Perfect.
I can't see a thing in here.
Too dark.
That's better.
Now hold it.
Perfect.
Hey, that's a good one.
Came out nice and clear.
Only I don't think I captured the real you.
It's the real me.
I wonder what happened.
Great jumping catfish! Consolidated Fuzz is down to three.
Oh, these pictures of Lurch are lovely.
Consolidated Fuzz has dropped from 278 to three and all you can talk about is Lurch? I'm glad I don't own any Consolidated Fuzz.
- Lurch, the door.
- Lurch is busy resting.
That's ridiculous! How can he expect to rest with me yelling for him every five minutes? I'll handle the door.
But someone else will have to take care of the cleaning and the washing.
Lurch! We wanna see Lurch! - We gotta get his autograph! - I'm sorry, but Lurch is not Here.
- What happened? - Lurch is very big with fainters.
I'll go get some smelling salts.
Hurry up, I really need some.
There are no two ways about it.
Lurch's career is costing us a fortune in smelling salts.
His fans are rather delicate.
Frankly, Morticia, I'm sorry you ever pushed him into making those records.
I ever pushed him into making records! Who was it called Mizzy Bickle in the first place? - You.
- Oh, yes.
But who was it insisted they bring over the recording equipment? Who was it insisted Lurch sing? Who was it ordered him to practice? That was me, too, wasn't it? Well, since I'm the one who got us into this mess, I'm going to let you get us out.
You tell Lurch he has to choose between crooning and butling.
Oh, darling, I couldn't do that to dear Lurch.
You're the head of the family, Gomez, you tell him.
Am I supposed to do everything? We'll do this the democratic way.
We'll vote on it.
Capital idea! All those in favor of allowing Gomez to tell Lurch will say "Aye.
" - Aye.
- Aye.
Aye.
It's unanimous.
But, I, I, I Three more ayes.
It's becoming a landslide.
Addams here.
Oh, yes, Bickle.
Tell Lurch what? Really? That's a great idea, Bickle.
Splendid.
Cara mia! Our troubles are over.
We don't have to tell Lurch anything.
- He's leaving on a world tour.
- Leaving? He's going to London, Paris, Brooklyn.
You rang? Oh, excuse me, I wasn't expecting you.
Just passing by.
Mr.
Bickle's going to take you on a tour of the world.
The The world? Oh, come, come, Lurch.
You can show a little more enthusiasm than that.
No.
Voice gone! Oh, the poor dear, the excitement must be too much for him.
He's really speechless.
Quickly, down to the playroom.
We must restore his voice.
Don't worry, Dr.
Addams only lost one patient.
His first and his last.
Gomez, darling, I have an idea.
If he can't talk, he can't sing.
That solves everything.
- You're right.
- No, I'm not.
It must be a free choice.
Lurch must make his own choice between singing and butling.
All right, Lurch, say, "Ah.
" Oh, that's right, I forgot.
You can't talk.
Querida, you'd better take a look at this.
- See anything? - Nothing except a stick.
- Spray.
- Spray.
Spray.
It's no good, Fester, it didn't help a bit.
That's funny.
It cured the rose bushes just like that.
Uncle Fester, I don't believe Lurch has aphids.
No, nor scarabs, either, otherwise I would have seen them.
Lurch, try some of my old-fashioned remedy.
Don't spill it on the table, it takes the paint right off.
Now.
There, now, isn't that better? Can you sing now? I just got to pinpoint this trouble.
Pinpoint? Why didn't you say so? - Mama, what did you do? - I pinpointed the trouble.
By george, I was right.
He's regained his voice.
Here he comes.
I won't go.
But, Lurch, dear, the world is waiting for you.
Your fans are out there drooling.
Yeah, and walking all over Morticia's thorns.
Don't worry about us.
Uncle Fester will pinch-hit until we find someone else.
Well, I better get down to the kitchen and prepare supper.
If anybody wants anything, just ring.
Oh, isn't that sweet? An autographed picture.
Best picture you ever took, Lurch.
Doesn't look a thing like you.
Goodbye, Lurch.
Good luck.
Bye.
Well, he belongs to the ages now.
I'll miss his happy, smiling face.
I need a drink.
I'll ring for Fester.
You rang? Lurch! You're back! To stay.
There's nothing like the sound of happy voices raised in song.
They are much happier now, aren't they, darling? Now that Lurch is home to stay.
Darling, why isn't Lurch singing? He has a perfectly lovely voice.
There are a few more fans hanging around outside.
We didn't want to take any chances.
Darling, you think of everything.
Masticate, masticate.
- Regular little glutton today.
- She does love her giraffe burger.
And that dinner music.
Lurch! He's been stabbed! Nonsense, darling, that's the way he sings.
He'd be better stabbed.
- You know, I think Lurch has talent.
- For dancing and juggling? No, for folk singing.
They all sound like that on our TV.
- Must be out of order.
- No, I had the repairman check it.
They're doing that on all the shows now.
Singery, swingery, flingery.
- What happened to all the doctors? - Well, they're singing, too.
I do believe Lurch could become a recording star.
By Jove, you may be right.
I'll get the phone book, look up some record companies.
- Lurch will be so surprised.
- Lf they like him, so will I.
Will you stop bothering me, Addams? I told you I'm not interested in making records of singing butlers.
I only handle standard groups like The Polecats, The Zombies and The Headsplitters.
Wait a minute.
That voice.
Is that him? Well, he does have a bit of a cold.
Hang on.
Gladys, dig this sound.
Hey! That gets me.
Bickle? Are you still there? Yes, I'm still here and I'll be right there.
- Wild! - When he sings he's beautiful! He does have talent, doesn't he? I'm gonna make this guy the biggest thing in the music business.
He's already the biggest thing in the butler business.
Show him, Lurch.
Stand up.
Oh, he is a big one.
And still growing.
He'll sweep the country.
Not so fast, Bickle.
He hasn't swept the kitchen yet.
Darling, country first, kitchen later.
Grab your hat, boy, we're gonna go down to the studio and cut some records.
Oh, no.
I'm afraid dear Lurch is much too shy.
You just forget about it, Lurch.
- I'm sorry you came out here for nothing.
- For nothing? Just a moment, my dear, this is the sort of thing Lurch needs.
He's too inhibited.
This will bring out his true personality.
You see? The mere thought of it has him bubbling.
Well, it's all settled, Bickle.
You bring your recording equipment over after supper.
You've got a deal.
And you're gonna fracture 'em, pal.
My, that sounds attractive.
Mr.
Bickle's almost finished, dear.
Last time I was this nervous, you had twins.
I never had twins, darling.
- You didn't? - No.
I must have been dreaming.
Darling, you are nervous.
Perhaps a little fencing will make you relax.
Dear.
- En garde.
- Tish.
That French.
It goes right through me.
They're through recording.
Be right with you.
- Darling, what are you doing? - Marking my place.
This guy is dynamite.
He'll be bigger than The Beagles.
- The Beagles? - They're very tasty.
Those are bagels.
The Bagels? That's a great group, too.
Well, gotta get going.
Take care, Lurchy baby.
My, isn't she the motherly one? - Your voice is beautiful, Lurch.
- But I'd do a little work on my aim.
Sorry.
Watusi! You forgot the Freddy.
Oh, my two favorite dances.
The Freddy and the mazurka.
- This is where he lives.
- Real cool pad.
Joan, Susie! - This is Lurch's place.
- Oh, crazy! Such soothing music.
That was the voice of Benny Bickle's hot new find, Lurch.
And now Well, Lurch, with a talent like that, you ought to be a shoo-in as king of the butler's ball.
Lurch, you go and practice, and that's an order.
Hey, sounds like an accident.
Great shades of Satan! A lynch mob! Nonsense.
Lurch wasn't that bad.
They're in an ugly mood.
But I'm ready for them.
Battle stations, everyone.
Man the guns.
Pass the ammunition.
No, no, no, Gomez.
It's not a lynch mob.
Look, dear, it's Lurch's fans.
Isn't that sweet? They really love you, Lurch.
Work.
Isn't he splendid? So devoted to his job.
The perfect servant.
Remind me to give him a raise.
Better still, I'll buy one of his records.
We want Lurch! We want Lurch! We want Lurch! We want Lurch! We want Lurch! Practice.
All right, now.
Eye on the ball.
Darling, suppose I miss the ball and hit you? Counts as a stroke.
Helps develop accuracy.
Very clever.
A hole in one! What a lovely sport.
After lunch we'll try it blindfolded.
Yes, it does make you work up an appetite, doesn't it? I'll ring for Lurch and have him fix lunch.
Darling, what in the world could have happened to Lurch? That bell is a bit difficult to hear.
We'd better go down to the kitchen.
Observe the professional touch.
By george, a club in one.
Now, "Fillet of fenny snake, In the cauldron boil and bake.
" Fillet of fenny snake.
Fenny snake.
We're always out of staples.
Well, I guess I'll just have to use some chopped eel.
Get away, Thing.
Make your own lunch.
Uncle Fester, have you seen - What are you doing? - I'm fixing my lunch, what else? A fine butler we've got.
I rang and I rang but he didn't answer.
I'm starving.
That looks very tasty.
It's a recipe I found in a book.
Let's see.
"Fillet of fenny snake in a cauldron boil and bake.
"Eye of newt and toe of frog, "wool of bat and pollywog.
" Stop, stop, you're making me hungry.
Uncle Fester, this isn't a cookbook.
That's the witches' scene from Macbeth.
Hey, that Shakespeare was a real gourmet, wasn't he? Lurch should be fixing lunch.
It isn't like him to neglect his duties like this.
He hasn't answered anybody's ring for hours.
- Maybe he just quit and walked out.
- Oh, he wouldn't do that.
Not without taking his references.
Gomez, we'd better look for the poor dear and try and help him.
Let's look in the playroom.
While I was gabbing the whole thing's gone flat.
- Oh, there you are.
- Where have you been, Lurch? Playroom.
Practicing.
He didn't want to disturb us.
Isn't that thoughtful? Well, it'd be more thoughtful if you practiced in the kitchen.
But, darling, you're the one who told him to practice.
Very well.
Put the blame on me.
My shoulders are broad.
At least they are in this suit.
Mr.
Bickle says Lurch is breaking records.
I prefer a butler who breaks dishes.
Yes, Mr.
Addams.
We are faced with a very serious problem, and there is only one thing we can do.
Worry.
- Oh, dear, I'm glad to see you're relaxing.
- Helps me worry.
Have you caught anything? The last time you caught one of Mama's dress shoes.
- This time I caught the other one.
- Oh, that's good.
She does look better in a matching pair.
Oh, the mail's in.
Thank you, Thing.
I'm expecting an important letter from my banker, broker, taxman and barber.
Barber? He's a wonderful banker, broker and taxman.
- I'll take them, my dear.
- Darling, they're all for Lurch.
- Lurch? - Fan mail.
Oh, these are for me.
- Lurch? - Lurch.
- Lurch? - Lurch.
Well, no wonder there were none for me.
The postman didn't have enough room.
Come on, now.
That Lurch charm.
You know, this is for your fans.
Now, let's see those pretty dimples.
Perfect.
I can't see a thing in here.
Too dark.
That's better.
Now hold it.
Perfect.
Hey, that's a good one.
Came out nice and clear.
Only I don't think I captured the real you.
It's the real me.
I wonder what happened.
Great jumping catfish! Consolidated Fuzz is down to three.
Oh, these pictures of Lurch are lovely.
Consolidated Fuzz has dropped from 278 to three and all you can talk about is Lurch? I'm glad I don't own any Consolidated Fuzz.
- Lurch, the door.
- Lurch is busy resting.
That's ridiculous! How can he expect to rest with me yelling for him every five minutes? I'll handle the door.
But someone else will have to take care of the cleaning and the washing.
Lurch! We wanna see Lurch! - We gotta get his autograph! - I'm sorry, but Lurch is not Here.
- What happened? - Lurch is very big with fainters.
I'll go get some smelling salts.
Hurry up, I really need some.
There are no two ways about it.
Lurch's career is costing us a fortune in smelling salts.
His fans are rather delicate.
Frankly, Morticia, I'm sorry you ever pushed him into making those records.
I ever pushed him into making records! Who was it called Mizzy Bickle in the first place? - You.
- Oh, yes.
But who was it insisted they bring over the recording equipment? Who was it insisted Lurch sing? Who was it ordered him to practice? That was me, too, wasn't it? Well, since I'm the one who got us into this mess, I'm going to let you get us out.
You tell Lurch he has to choose between crooning and butling.
Oh, darling, I couldn't do that to dear Lurch.
You're the head of the family, Gomez, you tell him.
Am I supposed to do everything? We'll do this the democratic way.
We'll vote on it.
Capital idea! All those in favor of allowing Gomez to tell Lurch will say "Aye.
" - Aye.
- Aye.
Aye.
It's unanimous.
But, I, I, I Three more ayes.
It's becoming a landslide.
Addams here.
Oh, yes, Bickle.
Tell Lurch what? Really? That's a great idea, Bickle.
Splendid.
Cara mia! Our troubles are over.
We don't have to tell Lurch anything.
- He's leaving on a world tour.
- Leaving? He's going to London, Paris, Brooklyn.
You rang? Oh, excuse me, I wasn't expecting you.
Just passing by.
Mr.
Bickle's going to take you on a tour of the world.
The The world? Oh, come, come, Lurch.
You can show a little more enthusiasm than that.
No.
Voice gone! Oh, the poor dear, the excitement must be too much for him.
He's really speechless.
Quickly, down to the playroom.
We must restore his voice.
Don't worry, Dr.
Addams only lost one patient.
His first and his last.
Gomez, darling, I have an idea.
If he can't talk, he can't sing.
That solves everything.
- You're right.
- No, I'm not.
It must be a free choice.
Lurch must make his own choice between singing and butling.
All right, Lurch, say, "Ah.
" Oh, that's right, I forgot.
You can't talk.
Querida, you'd better take a look at this.
- See anything? - Nothing except a stick.
- Spray.
- Spray.
Spray.
It's no good, Fester, it didn't help a bit.
That's funny.
It cured the rose bushes just like that.
Uncle Fester, I don't believe Lurch has aphids.
No, nor scarabs, either, otherwise I would have seen them.
Lurch, try some of my old-fashioned remedy.
Don't spill it on the table, it takes the paint right off.
Now.
There, now, isn't that better? Can you sing now? I just got to pinpoint this trouble.
Pinpoint? Why didn't you say so? - Mama, what did you do? - I pinpointed the trouble.
By george, I was right.
He's regained his voice.
Here he comes.
I won't go.
But, Lurch, dear, the world is waiting for you.
Your fans are out there drooling.
Yeah, and walking all over Morticia's thorns.
Don't worry about us.
Uncle Fester will pinch-hit until we find someone else.
Well, I better get down to the kitchen and prepare supper.
If anybody wants anything, just ring.
Oh, isn't that sweet? An autographed picture.
Best picture you ever took, Lurch.
Doesn't look a thing like you.
Goodbye, Lurch.
Good luck.
Bye.
Well, he belongs to the ages now.
I'll miss his happy, smiling face.
I need a drink.
I'll ring for Fester.
You rang? Lurch! You're back! To stay.
There's nothing like the sound of happy voices raised in song.
They are much happier now, aren't they, darling? Now that Lurch is home to stay.
Darling, why isn't Lurch singing? He has a perfectly lovely voice.
There are a few more fans hanging around outside.
We didn't want to take any chances.
Darling, you think of everything.