The Addams Family (1964) s02e13 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family I think I've had enough moon.
Thank you.
Gomez, darling, do be careful.
You know how prone you are to moonburn.
Never fear, querida.
My skin is so white it won't peel anymore.
My head is a little tingly.
Uncle Fester, how about you? Would you like another little dab of lanolin? No, thanks.
I like it, but it gives me heartburn.
Uncle Fester, the last time we moonbathed, you ate the goose grease.
This time, the lanolin.
What did you expect me to do with it, smear it all over my face? Very interesting.
Very interesting.
Is Jupiter transiting Uranus, dear? No, our next-door neighbor is just stepping into his shower.
Oh, well, it is a warm night.
- And how are you, Mama? - Fine, fine.
- She likes being buried.
- And playing groundhog.
Mama, you sure you're getting enough air? I took a deep breath before they buried me.
Oh, yes.
The family that plays together stays together.
The telephone.
Don't worry, my dear, I left strict orders not to be disturbed.
How very thoughtful.
- I don't care who's calling, do you? - Certainly not.
- Unless you do.
- I don't.
- Well, I do.
Let's find out.
- Yes, let's.
You rang? Yes, Lurch, we were somewhat curious about - Lurch, who was that on the phone? - Man from Strife magazine.
Strife magazine? I should think one subscription for each member of the family would be enough.
- He was a photographer.
- A photographer? He said he'd come back next week.
I wonder what he wanted.
Oh, this is just a shot in the dark, dear, but since he was a photographer, I suppose he wanted to take a photo.
Sound thinking, my dear, but of whom? Or is it who? This is the time they choose their Man of the Year.
- Exactly.
- Tish, you don't suppose And why not? Who deserves the honor more than you? Well, that's true, but Well, there are others, of course.
Who knows more about Zen-Yogi, breeding barracudas and wrecking railroad trains? No one.
But But still And who can match your dexterity with the boomerang, your skill at Parcheesi, your savoir faire? Tish.
Those French words.
They win me.
Darling, grab your telescope.
Imagine.
My darling sweet Gomez on the cover of Strife magazine.
I can just see it now.
Those cover pictures are dreadful, especially the ones on Strife magazine.
No problem, we'll simply go through the family album and select one of our own.
And I know just the one.
It captures all your inner fire, your sterling intensity and the real you.
This one? Oh, no, darling.
That's lovely, but that's not the one I meant.
You were such a distinguished little baby with such a distinguished little moustache.
Yes, saved Mama the trouble of straining the baby food.
We've gone through the entire album.
This is the only one left.
Gomez, darling, that's it! See how it captures your inner dynamics, your sense of destiny, your divine fire.
By george, you are right! It is the real me.
Oh, close your eyes.
Can't you just imagine it on the cover of Strife magazine? Picture like that.
They may want to save it for the Man of the Century.
Oh, it's wonderful, Gomez.
Simply Oh, darling Cleopatra, cough up that photograph.
Come on, cough it up.
Darling, please control yourself.
After all, aggression only breeds aggression.
Now, wait.
Cleopatra, dear, let Mother have it, sweetheart.
Come on, darling.
Perhaps, we should use a little aggression.
- Oh, it's too late.
- There goes the real me.
Darling, why don't we have Croom Strauss, that same photographic genius who took that picture, take another one of you.
- Capital idea! - I'll have Lurch lay out your best suit.
- Querida, this is my best suit.
- Oh? Don't you remember? I bought dozens of them.
- I wanted nothing but best suits.
- Of course, dear.
Well, off to Croom Strauss.
I know exactly where that exclusive little studio of his is located.
Croom Strauss.
Come.
I'm afraid he's gone out of business, the only photographer, the only artist, the only virtuoso of the prismatic lens who could capture the real Gomez Addams, gone.
Cheer up, darling.
I'm sure there are dozens of photographers who can take your picture.
Take my picture, yes, but capture the real me? Never! Well, perhaps, not dozens, but at least several? A couple? One? No.
Well, you're right, dear.
This is the bitterest blow since the city made us fill in our lovely patch of quicksand.
Good morning, Uncle Fester.
Up at your exercises early, I see.
You're just in time for a nice hot cup of henbane.
Oh, no, thank you, Morticia, I'm on a diet.
I just had some soap crunchies.
Real bubbly.
Fester, you're going to have to watch those in-between-meal snacks.
You'll be on those stilts all day.
- Gomez darling, cup of henbane? - No, nothing.
When are you coming down? You've been up there three days.
You know how he is when he's depressed.
Well, being made Man of the Year is depressing.
It's because we can't find the one photographer in the whole world who can capture the real Gomez Addams.
Is that all? Your troubles are over.
They are? Like Michelangelo with a camera.
You know where he is? - Sure.
- Where? - Standing right in front of you.
- Back to the chandelier.
Oh, no, Gomez.
I know my way around the camera.
That's true, darling.
Remember his studies of salamanders spawning in a mud bath? By george, Fester, you're the solution to my problems.
Let's get started.
- Oh, wait, dear.
Freshen up first.
- Freshen up? Is that necessary? Necessary.
- You ready, Fester? - Ready, ready, ready, ready, ready.
Perfect! You never looked better, Gomez.
Fester, you're sure the camera's pointed in the right direction? Well, maybe it is a little off-center.
Oh, now I really have it.
It's going to be the best picture you ever took.
Uncle Fester, you're focusing on the warthog.
Oh, yeah.
Probably the best picture the warthog ever took.
Fester, don't you think you'd better start with Cousin Itt? Oh, sure.
I want this to look real pretty.
Better take off his hat and glasses.
Capital idea.
Darling, I think a profile shot would be much more interesting, don't you? Good thinking, my dear.
There.
- How's that? - Much better.
Why, I think that's a lovely idea, Cousin Itt.
- Why don't you wear your new suit? - Yes, and have Thing give you a little trim.
Okay, Gomez.
Let's get cracking.
We're going to make photographic history.
Now, darling, let me see that lovely Addams charm.
Tish.
That French.
- All right.
Hold it.
- Just a moment.
Darling, later.
Later.
Later.
That's funny.
Now it doesn't look so good.
- How about this? - Much better.
Okay.
One, two A little lower, please.
A little lower, please.
Lower.
Lower.
Lower.
Hold it! Uncle Fester, did you get it? Yeah, right in the head.
Darling.
I've hired a private detective to find your favorite photographer.
Just haven't heard from him yet.
Well, maybe you ought to hire a private detective to find the private detective you hired.
I'll never come down.
You know, it must be nicer up there than I thought it was.
Darling, Gomez Hello.
Oh, yes.
Yes, just one moment, please.
Darling, it's the detective I hired.
Yes.
How wonderful! Gomez, he found our photographer.
Eureka! Morticia Quiet, please.
Now, pardon me.
Once more.
Where can we find him? Oh, dear, that's dreadful.
Thank you so much.
Querida, don't keep me in suspense.
What time is the appointment with Croom Strauss? - Darling, we have a slight complication.
- There's someone ahead of me.
Thousands! He now works for the Department of Motor Vehicles.
He takes the pictures they use on the drivers' licenses.
What a proud thing it is to live in a state with such high aesthetic requirements.
Don't you see? The only way you can possibly be photographed by him is to get a driver's license.
Bully! I've always wanted one.
Darling, you've never been able to drive.
True.
But there's very little I don't know about the modern horseless carriage.
- Except how to shift gears.
- And steer.
Yeah, and put on the brakes.
Well, those things do give me a little trouble.
A little trouble? Remember the blue falcon bird we had? Oh, yeah.
Big Blue.
Nothing could stop that car, scorching desert, snow-covered mountains, she could go anywhere.
Except between two street cars.
Still as solid as the day she rolled out of the showroom.
Yeah.
- And so is our old Stanley Steamer.
- Makes a beautiful mobile, doesn't it? By Jove, after all these years, she can still build up a fine head of steam.
Querida, just a little practice and I'll be right back in there again.
Marvelous idea, darling.
I shall be your instructress.
- Gomez, you're riding the clutch again.
- Really, certainly rides beautifully.
Now, darling, listen.
You're going through a school zone.
School zone.
Your speedometer is registering - Seventy-five per.
- What are you doing wrong? Blocking traffic? Think, darling.
Think.
'Course, I'm not waving to the little nippers as I drive by.
Hiya, kids, how are you? - Gomez, dear.
Put on your brake.
- Brake.
That's not the brake, Gomez! - Are you sure? - Pretty sure.
This is the brake.
Oh, well, by this time, I'm out of the school zone, so I shift into high, and away we go.
Gomez, darling, you just shifted into reverse.
Well, these new cars are not what they used to be.
Neither am I.
I'm pooped.
Well, I guess we're all agreed that the test run was a huge success.
You rang? I did indeed, Lurch.
Bring the car around to the door and let us away to the Department of Motor Vehicles.
I'm off to take my driver's test.
I couldn't have said it better myself, Lurch.
Tallyho, one and all! Hey, what kind of an outfit is that? Just the very latest in modern motoring.
One should always dress for the occasion, shouldn't one? Yes, darling.
That's why I'd like for you to wear this.
Egad, what a smart little beanie! - You like it, dear? - Love it.
Though there seems to be an overabundance of smog today.
Well, in that case, I think we'd better dispense with it.
Anything you say, querida.
Darling, are you sure you can handle this? My dear, I've made an exhaustive study of the internal combustion engine.
Lurch, how do you start it? It sounds like Cousin Itt.
Cousin Itt! What are you doing under there? You washed your hair? And you were sitting under the hood, letting it dry.
Very clever.
Oh, I love your new hairdo.
It's so So you! I'm sorry we disturbed you.
Gomez, you're riding the clutch again.
- Smooth, isn't it? - Only for standing still, dear.
Well, if it's action you want - Triumph of man over machine.
- Really, darling, whose machine? A whole slough of them, blocking my path.
Lurch, this can go on the mobile.
He's taking his written test.
Good, then he'll never get to the driver's test.
Perfect score! And in 10 seconds flat.
A new indoor record.
- Oh, that's wonderful, darling.
- Let's go.
Oh, this is the dedicated public servant who's going to conduct the driving test.
My dedicated wife, my dedicated uncle, my dedicated cousin and Now, let's get it over with.
Please, wait.
I want to be with him when he takes his driving test.
Lady, I wish I didn't have to be with him.
No wives, relatives, or dogs.
He's a bit touchy about that.
I do think he's getting used to it.
Come, dear.
Let's get moving.
But, Cousin Itt, what safer place is there to stand than right here? Another town? He's the family wit.
- We're off.
- Darling These old thoroughbreds are very temperamental.
Mr.
Addams, you do know how to drive? Sir, I'm going to treat you to the drive of your life.
Thank you, Thing.
Well, sir, what's the word? - You ought to be arrested.
- Arrested? For even thinking of driving.
I never drive.
Lurch, our chauffeur, does all the driving.
Then why? Why do you want a driver's license? For the picture, of course.
The picture? Of course? Sure.
The picture you put on the drivers' licenses.
- You want that? - Precisely.
You have a new employee, Wolfgang Croom Strauss, the world's greatest photographer.
That creep? He was fired the same day he was hired.
And between you and me, I don't know how he lasted that long.
Great art is never appreciated in its own time.
Well, we're right back where we started.
Destiny seems determined to brush me aside.
Brush.
Gomez, darling, that's it! Tish, you're marvelous.
Only you as an artist could capture both the inner and outer Gomez, simultaneously.
French.
Darling Gomez, please.
The painting, dear.
Querida, you've done it! The perfect picture for Strife magazine's Man of the Year.
Hey, it's my turn.
I wonder who that could be at the door.
- What was that? - Must be termites.
King size.
Man from Strife.
Come in.
Come in, old man.
Strife magazine has been one of our favorites.
- We simply devour it from cover to cover.
- Quite delicious.
- I guess we know why you're here.
- You mean about the picture? Yes, it's all ready for you.
Took a bit of doing, but here it is.
Thing? Your Man of the Year.
There's been some mistake.
You see, we already have our Man of the Year.
But the picture.
I thought you wanted a picture.
Yeah, of your house.
Our house.
You mean, we've made House of the Year? Well, sort of.
You see we are running a story on haunted houses, and yours has been chosen the spookiest one of all.
Thank you.
We do try.
This is even better than Man of the Year.
This is a salute to the whole family.