The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

Sphinx

[cat meows, purrs.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[screams.]
[giggles.]
- [Puss yowling.]
- El Gato! [yowls.]
[metal jingling.]
Hurry up, hurry up! You know what really helps me? When you keep saying, "Hurry up.
" Puss In Boots could be here any second.
I hear he steals the breath of sleeping babies! That's how is that even relevant here? [mockingly mutters.]
[screams, gasps.]
Did he steal your breath? [giggles, whistles.]
[Toby.]
For San Lorenzo! - What? - Pickle power, activate! It burns! Ow! [Groaning.]
- Ah! Oof! - Did you know that there are ten million pain points in the human hand? That can't be right.
[screaming.]
[Puss.]
Your training is coming along quite well, children.
You handled those bandits with admirable panache.
As for you two this must be tremendously embarrassing for you.
Oh! Don't tell my mom! [Sobs.]
- [door slams.]
- Your town's jail is in a bar? Can we order drinks? Absolutely not! Psst! [both.]
Yes! I am very proud of you, kids.
You were all fantastic, real pros! You're really teaching the children a lot, Puss.
Yes.
Vina learned the pain points so quickly it kind of worries me.
[slurping.]
[slurping continues.]
Really, Pajuna? Really? Runnin' a business here, laddie.
[sniffing.]
Keep watering, children.
And remember, "Plants and trees and things that grow will give your home a happy glow.
" - [Esme giggling.]
- Oh! [Laughs.]
Kid Pickles! [Chuckles.]
You can't water plants with pickle juice.
- It'll kill them.
- It ain't killed me yet! [gulping.]
[Puss.]
Psst! Dulcinea! Treezy, I knew you could talk! - [Puss.]
No, up here! - Hm? Whoa! - Whee! Ooh! [Gasps.]
Oh! - Sh! [children laughing, chattering.]
I want to surprise the kids with a special treat for being such excellent pupils.
When I was little, sometimes the lady who ran the orphanage - would make us turrón.
- The almond candy? Sí.
It is a man's candy.
Sweet, but with the crunchiness of bone.
- Ew! - I will make turrón for the children, the finest turrón the world has ever seen! But, Puss, you can't cook.
What? There is nothing I cannot do.
Yesterday, you made toast and burned down the mill.
The bread was defective.
My culinary skills are impeccable! Oh, all right.
You can use the orphanage's kitchen.
- But we're all out of sugar.
- I will find the sugar.
You just keep the kids out of the kitchen until I am done.
- I go! - [leaves rustle, branches snap.]
- Oh, OK.
- [Puss thuds, yowls.]
Pajuna, can I borrow [bandit.]
She had to go out for a while.
- Can we help you? - What are you drinking? Ah! Something Pajuna invented.
They're so good! She calls them "milk shakes.
" She has to put ice on her cow parts to make them.
It look very uncomfortable.
I just need some sugar.
[grunting.]
Ah! I am sure she will not mind if I borrow this.
[grunts.]
Uh! And please, try not to enjoy being in jail so much.
Gah! It gave me a brain freeze! [bandits groaning.]
That is much better.
Why can't we go inside? We're waiting for a surprise.
And here it is! Turrón for everyone! [cheering.]
[crunching.]
This is to congratulate you for being such good students.
You're giving the children candy? Oh! All that sugar is going to make them so agitated and jumpy and Happy? Normally, I don't eat stuff that ain't pickles, but this is aces! Hm.
Señora, you worry over nothing.
I assure you that a little sugar will have no effect.
They will remain as calm and placid as [children laughing, chattering.]
Whoa! [giggling.]
[babbling.]
The colores, they are so bright! - [laughing.]
- [squealing.]
Puss? [Sniffs.]
I don't think this is regular sugar.
[Puss sniffs.]
You gave this to the children? I thought it was sugar! It says "sugar.
" Yes.
S-U-G-A-R.
"Special Unfiltered Ground Arima Root.
" Everyone knows that.
- No one knows that.
- Oh - What is arima root? - It's a rare medicinal herb.
You're supposed to take a single grain for energy, once a year, at most.
The amount these children had They're going to get more and more energetic until they Recover? Explode.
[Señora Zapata screams.]
Puss In the Boots! - What have you done? - [children laughing.]
[gasps.]
I have poisoned the children! - There must be a cure.
There must! - There is.
The sand of the Hourglass of Eurythion.
But it is guarded by a fearsome beast, the Sphinx.
I have heard of this creature.
Part cat, part bird, they say.
And, I believe, a lady.
[chuckles.]
I do well with the ladies.
No one has ever gotten past her to get the Hourglass.
- And the trip to reach the Sphinx - I have heard the legend.
The journey is incredibly dangerous.
- [children laughing.]
- [screaming.]
But so is staying here.
Watch over the children.
I will return! - [whistles.]
- [hoofbeats.]
[grunts.]
Onward, Babieca, - before it is too late! Hyah! - [whinnies.]
[screaming, shouting.]
As the book says, "Everyone loves peace and quiet.
If you're restless, you should try it.
" So we're going to have some nice, calm activities today.
Did you know that I'm making words come out of my mouth? Yah-yah-yah-yah! Well, I thought it would be pleasant to play with blocks! Fight for Bluevania! Onward for Redistan! Yah! Yah, yah, yah! [children shouting.]
It is not pleasant to play with blocks.
[Puss.]
So, Babieca, the Realm of the Sphinx lies across the Desert of Pain, through the Forest of Mystery, and past the Kingdom of Darkness.
[whinnies.]
You are right, my friend, this is going to suck.
[Puss.]
For the hundredth time, no, I did not remember to bring water.
[trees moaning.]
- [tree 1.]
We are spooky talking trees! - [tree 2.]
It's a mystery! - [crashing.]
- [Puss.]
Watch it! Ow! My head! - [clown horn honks.]
- [trumpet blares.]
[Puss.]
I think you stepped on a snail.
[thunder rumbles.]
[Puss gulps.]
[thunder rumbles.]
[thunder crashes.]
[whirring.]
[demonic, booming voice.]
Mortal! Cower before the all-powerful Sphinx! [echoing thud.]
I have come for the Hourglass of Eurythion.
[scoffs.]
[Valley girl voice.]
Duh! Like I don't know why you're here.
So boring.
I What? I've only been doing this for, like, a thousand years.
[mockingly.]
"I have come for the Hourglass of Eurythion.
" Do you see anything else here? Why else would you come? I, like, so know you want the Hourglass.
[scoffs.]
This is the worst job.
Who cares, you know? It's not like I'm helping anyone.
So, can I have the Hourglass then? OMG.
Are you off your nut? Of course you can't have the Hourglass.
I totally just told you I've been guarding it for, like, a thousand years.
So I'm suddenly just gonna give it to some cat in high heels? I was only You think these are too high? [sighs.]
Who seeks the Hourglass must answer me this riddle.
Ah! So the challenge is a riddle.
Well, I excel at riddles! My mind is like a finely-tuned machine that tears through riddles like a tiger through the flesh of the unwary.
OK, that's cool.
Anyway, you get five riddles.
If you get the fifth one wrong, I eat you.
Those are the rules.
- Now - [echoing stomp.]
[demonic, booming voice.]
The first riddle! What walks on four legs at dawn, two legs at midday, and three legs at dusk? Yellow! [Valley girl voice.]
Uh "Yellow"? Wait, your answer is "yellow"? [laughs.]
Are you kidding me with this? - Yellowy-orange? - [groans.]
Um, that is, without a doubt, the wrongest answer I have ever gotten.
Seriously, it's like mega-wrong.
"Yellow" is an adjective.
It needs to be a noun.
What are you ? It's not even, like, the right kind of word.
- Blue! - OMG, you are the worst! You're terrible.
You're banished back to wherever you started.
The answer's "man," by the way.
Wait, you do not mean you are going to send me - all the way back - Bye.
[whooshing.]
- [electrical fizzling.]
- Oof! [Groans.]
[straining.]
Puss, we need that Hourglass! The children are getting worse! Puss, oh, my gosh! Puss, we're having the best time and everything looks like candy, candy, candy, candy! I can smell your thoughts! [sniffs.]
There they are! Oh! The children are vibrating.
They don't have very long.
Next, they'll slow down, and and then they'll start to glow, and then And then [makes exploding sound.]
I'm afraid so.
They will have their remedy, and have it at once.
- Come, Babieca! - [whinnies.]
To the Sphinx! - [tree 1.]
Ooh! Mysterious trees! - [tree 2.]
It's that cat again! - [crashing, grunting.]
- [cuckoo clock chimes.]
[Puss.]
Do you smell blueberries? - I must have that Hourglass.
- Ugh! Fine, we'll do another riddle.
Excelente.
I was off my game before, but I am really very really, really good at this.
OK.
The rich need it, but the poor have it, and if you breathe it, you'll die.
[whispers.]
What is it? Hm [counts in Spanish.]
Um, are you doing math? [scoffs.]
It's not a number.
Seven! I just told you, it is not a number.
Mm Six! It's "nothing"! The answer is "nothing"! That is kind of a number.
[whooshing.]
[Puss grunts.]
- [children shouting.]
- [electrical fizzling.]
- Ah! Ooh! - [Babieca nickers.]
I am angry with the Sphinx as well, Babieca, but there is no need to use foul language.
Ooh! Puss, get down! - What is going on here? Oof! - Horsey rides! Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, giddyup! Giddyup! [strained.]
I will try it again.
[trees moaning.]
[Puss.]
I think something licked me! I am always hungry and must be fed.
The finger I touch will soon turn red.
What am I? That That little thing on the end of a shoelace.
- The thing! - An aglet? - Yes.
- No.
It's fire.
Oof! - [children shouting.]
- [electrical fizzling.]
- Oh! - [children babbling, laughing.]
- Ah! Oh! - Ping-pong! Ping-pong! Ping-pong! [Esme babbling.]
[trees moaning.]
- [crashing.]
- [Puss.]
Oh! What is full of holes and yet holds water? Roberto Ortiz, 461 Mariposa Street, Barcelona.
[Sphinx makes buzzer sound.]
A sponge.
[grunting.]
Whoa! Ha-ha! Huh? - [grunting softly.]
- [children moaning.]
They're slowing down.
- That is good, right? - It's bad.
Very bad.
Look! [whirring sound.]
They're starting to glow! [sighs.]
This is the final stage.
After this I will get that Hourglass! [Puss.]
Hot sand! Hot sand! Hot sand! Hot sand! Hot sand! [trees moaning.]
- [Puss.]
You are heavy! - [Babieca whinnies.]
Ugh! Are you sure you wanna do this? This is your fifth riddle.
If you miss this one, I have to eat you.
And you're a cat and I'm a cat, and that's, like, totes gross.
Ask me a riddle, Sphinx.
I will not fail! [sighs.]
OK, here goes.
I am always coming, but never here, never arriving, but always near.
What am I? Mm [pops lips.]
Wait, is that your answer? [pops lips.]
Mm [pops lips.]
The answer is "tomorrow"! Totes time to eat you now.
And dude, if you taste nasty, I'm gonna be super mad.
Enough of this riddling! I am not a cat of words.
I am a cat of action! - Give me that Hourglass! - [scoffs.]
Are we really doing this? So boring.
Whoa! Ooh! [grunting.]
- [Sphinx.]
Ah! - [grunting.]
[Puss.]
Ha-ha! [grunts.]
Oh! [Puss.]
I have this.
Do not help me.
[sighs.]
I have to eat you now.
Ugh! This job is so stupid.
Um, that's not gonna work on me.
I've had, like, tons of heroes get all pleady for their lives.
You don't even know.
Nothing gets to me.
[purring.]
Nothing can shake [purring.]
my [sighs.]
[scoffs.]
Oh, fine.
You're totes adorbs.
I could just eat you up! But not literally.
Ah! I hate this stupid job so much! So, can I just take this Hourglass then? No, you can't have the Hourglass unless you answer the riddle! It's the, like, rule or something.
- Ah! I am excellent at riddles.
- Are you cray-cray? I have met jelly stains that were better than you.
All right, I know.
It is just that I am Puss In Boots! I'm supposed to be good at everything.
Fighting, cooking, riddles.
It is hard for me to admit when I am terrible at something.
Just as it must be hard for you.
Pfft! What do you mean? I'm not terrible at anything.
[laughs.]
Now who is the one that is cray-cray? What am I terrible at? You are terrible at coming up with easy riddles.
- Nuh-uh! - Then prove it! Sphinx, I challenge you to come up with a riddle so easy, - that even I can answer it.
- I can totally do that.
And if you fail, you will give me the Hourglass.
[laughs.]
Oh, I will.
OK, let's see Ah, OK.
What gets wetter as it dries? Monday! A towel! What has a head and a tail but no legs? - Fudge! - A coin.
What is on a tree and sounds like a dog? On the outside of a tree.
Like a tree skin? Ears! A sandwich! The ability to swim! Bark! What is blue and is the sky? [groans.]
- I know this one! - It's right in the riddle! I just said it.
It is the sky! All you have to do is say "sky.
" Say "sky"! Can I have a hint? - Take the stupid Hourglass! - Oof! [Groaning.]
- Ay! - What do I care? I've been doing this for, like, a gazillion years, and it never gets any less boring.
I just want a job where, like, I'm helping people, a job where I'm doing some good, a job with meaning, like like a tattoo artist.
I know some people who need your help.
[whirring sound.]
This is it.
If Puss doesn't get here with that Hourglass soon - Uh! - Dulcinea, wait! - [moaning.]
- It's OK, dear.
It's OK.
You don't want to be that close! They really are going to explode! If they go, I'm going with them.
What the heck? We are almost there! Lower! Whoa! Ah! [grunts.]
[Puss.]
Ah! - [claws scrape.]
- Ooh! Uh! - [whirring.]
- [moaning.]
I am so sleepy.
[yawning, moaning.]
Puss, you did it! You answered the riddle! Uh Sure, I did.
Oh, I [clears throat.]
I appreciate your help.
Yes, well, I am very glad to give it.
[children snoring.]
[toy squeaks.]
- Are they - They're fine.
They might sleep for a week, but they're fine.
Wow, look at that big shoe! Are those windmills up there? This place is so awesome! OMG, can we get ice cream? I want to thank you for your help, Madam Sphinx.
I was wondering if you might consider staying in San Lorenzo for a while.
Sure! This town is great! But, like, what would I do? Well, we have been having a problem with bandits entering town.
[bandits.]
Huh? Who seeks to enter San Lorenzo must answer me this riddle: What always runs, but never walks, often murmurs, but never talks, has a bed, but never sleeps, has a mouth, but never eats? Uh A headache? Judges say? Sorry, bro, it's a river.
Oh, right.
- [whooshing.]
- [bandit.]
Oh! Ow, ow, ow! - [bandit 2 shouting.]
- [bandit.]
Run!
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