The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s06e02 Episode Script

Save the Cat

1 [CAT PURRS, MEOWS] [FAST, LIVELY FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING] [SCREAMS] [GIGGLES] - [PUSS YOWLING] - El Gato! [YOWLS] [CREATURES MOANING] [EERIE MUSIC] What are they? [MOANING CONTINUES] Back, zombies, or face the wrath of Puss in Boots! Puss? In Boots? But you're dead! You're all dead! They're ghosts! Oh, no, no.
We went to the Netherworld and I bet a ghost would say that! We dug your graves! Uh, didn't you notice we weren't in them? Don't listen to their ghost logic! It makes too much sense! - Get 'em! - [ALL SHOUTING] Oh, boy.
[GRUNTING] [BOTH GROANING] Seriously, you need to stop this before you become ghosts.
Since El Moco and his thieves chased us out of San Lorenzo, we've been living in the forest like animals.
Bark is my favorite flavor.
[MUNCHING] Oh, mine too! [MUNCHING AND GIGGLING] We've been out here with nothing! Not even toilet paper! You don't want to know what we've been using instead.
Sticks! We've been using sticks! [RETCHES] [SHUDDERS] Ew.
[COUGHING AND RETCHING] Well, that hideousness ends now.
People whose faces I know but whose names are on the way, way, way, very way far back of my tongue, I have sworn to return you all to San Lorenzo at once! [ALL CHEERING] Go to San Lorenzo, and we will join you there really, very, really, very soon.
Together we will fight off the thieves.
So swears Puss in Boots! [ALL CHEERING] And we must do it at once because the town is full of explosives and will be blown up tomorrow.
[ALL CHEERING] - Wait, explosives? - Did he say "blown up"? Do not worry.
I have a simple plan.
I must get the recipe for honey from an ogre so I can obtain vegetables from bears.
Which I now realize sounds insane.
I go.
[GRUNTS] [DULCINEA] Hmm.
Well, seems like he's on top of this.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR] [DOOR OPENS] Mr.
Mayor? [GASPS] Puss! Oh, I mean Welcome to the stately manor of Tranche, who I am supposed to tell you is a duke or something.
Wipe your feet, please.
I am glad to see that you are not dead.
This is the only thing I have to be happy about, though.
See my happy smile? Eh [TRANCHE] Indentured servant Temmy-roso! Coming, Your Excellency.
Uh, Mr.
Mayor, are you working for Tranche now? It is the only job I could find after fleeing San Lorenzo.
The hours are terrible, but at least the pay is nothing.
[TRANCHE] Oy! Temmy-roso! Get in here, wretch! Well, the good thing about having the worst job in the world is that I am no longer afraid of anything because death would be a blessing.
Yike.
You know what? I-I'm just gonna wait out here.
[SNORING] - [CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING] - Cat, cat, cat.
Cat, cat, cat.
Cat, cat.
I know "cat" is the only word you can read, "but that does not mean that every word you read is "cat.
" Ahem.
Hello, old friend.
Oh! I said "cat," and cats appeared! Is reading magic? Ugh.
- [PUSS AND DULCINEA YELPING] - Hello, kitties! [TUTTING] Is that how a fancy aristocrat greets his guests? [PUSS AND DULCINEA YELL] Uh, I mean, so lovely to see you again.
What occasion is cause for me to be graced by your feline presences? To visit our best friend ever! - [DULCINEA SQUEALS] - Oh! Oh, no! No, no, no, no! My esteemed ogre friend, we have an important mission.
We are here because we need a book.
Oh! If it's books you need, I've got gobs.
And I'd never miss one, because I can't read all the squiggles yet.
Oh [CHUCKLES] I mean words.
What book do you need? Um, I know it sounds crazy, but one with a recipe for honey? [GASPS] I thought I was the only one who knew about the recipe! The idea that you need bees is just propaganda spread by the honey conglomerates.
[GRUNTS AND CHUCKLES] Don't believe Big Honey's lies! Thank you, Miguela.
You know, I really do feel horrible about the whole "becoming a crazy person and taking you captive" thing.
Meh, I don't even think about it anymore.
[SLO-MO EVIL LAUGHTER] Ugh.
Excelente.
We go! Come, Mr.
Mayor.
We will return you to your rightful position as mayor of a small town that is about to explode.
Whoo.
This is my excited face.
My servant stays with me! But, Tranche, he's our friend! He belongs at home with us.
Then he shouldn't have signed a billion-year contract! [SIGHS] I didn't read the fine print.
Please, Tranche, is there anything we could do to change your mind? Well, I could forget about the contract if [PUSS SIGHS] Let me guess, if we get you something in return.
Jolly well right! Fancy aristocrats collect things, you see.
So I collect Sweetie Boy dolls! I've got loads of 'em! All I need now is the rarest one of all, the Golden Sweetie.
Bring me that, and you may have the mayor and your book.
[SIGHS] A Sweetie Boy doll.
I know where we must go.
The Thieves' Market.
- Yoink! - Hey! Give me that back! [PUSS] Buenos días, amigo.
El Gato! But I thought you were dead.
Well, you cannot believe all the legends about me.
What brings you here? I wish to purchase a collectible.
Any purchases must be cleared with the Master of Thieves.
But be careful.
He who crosses the Master faces instant death! Also a modest fine.
[THIEF] It is my doll! - I stole it myself! - [THIEF 2] No! The doll is mine! I paid for it with monies! It's the prettiest thing I own! - I can't sleep unless I'm hugging it! - [IGNACIO] Enough! [MASTER WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY] Mm-hmm.
The Master decrees the doll shall be cut in half! - Can I get the legs half? - Okay.
[YELLING] [BOTH GIGGLING] Yay! - [PUSS] Master of Thieves! - Huh? Show yourself! - [GRUNTING] - [YELLING] Hi, kitties! - [ALL YELLING] - Ah.
Esme? Seriously? This small child is your Master? She is a ruthless dictator! You tremble at the dangling feet of an ankle-biter? Huh? She bites? [SHRIEKING] [GRUNTS AND GROANS] Esme, we need the Golden Sweetie Boy so we can get everyone home to San Lorenzo before it explodes tomorrow.
Okay.
The Master of Thieves cannot simply give you the Golden Sweetie.
It would make her look weak.
And in the thief world, weak rulers get [MIMICS CUTTING] Necklaces? What? No.
[MIMICS CUTTING] Hmm Uh-uh.
You get it, right? Yes, yes, the [MIMICS CUTTING] was very clear.
[ESME WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY] Hmm.
Interesting things have transpired while we were away.
Yep.
[ESME WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY] In exchange for the Golden Sweetie, you must present the Master of Thieves with a comparable toy, and the only one of its caliber is Mister Cubbie! [SIGHS] Your teddy bear? Really? And where, might I ask, is this Mister Cubbie? Find Gregor, and you'll find my teddy bear.
[GROWLS] [UPBEAT MUSIC] [ALL MOANING AND RASPING CONVERSATIONALLY] [GRUNTING RASPILY] [ALL RASPING EXCITEDLY] This place is amazing! It's like a skeleton utopia! [TEETH CHATTERING, LAUGHING RASPILY] [SHRIEKS, YELLING] Uh, Puss? - [DRAMATIC MUSIC] - [SKELETONS RASPING] - [RASPING] - Gregor! My old friend! Old? Young? It is hard to tell.
Anyway, we need Mister Cubbie, and you must return with us to San Lorenzo immediately, okay? Okay.
You say you will give us Mister Cubbie and will come with us now? Wonderful! [UPBEAT MUSIC] [GIGGLING] - [GRUNTS] - [WHIMPERS] [GIGGLES WITH DELIGHT] [SLURPING] [GULPS] - [BEAR GROWLS] - [PUSS YOWLS] For San Lorenzo! [ALL] For San Lorenzo! - [ALL SHOUTING] - [SWORDS CLANKING] [ALL YELLING IN TERROR] [BOTH GRUNT] And stay out! Wow.
That was really, very really a lot of thieves.
[SIGHS] I guess I'll have to go sign another billion-year contract.
Those bears weren't that bad.
[SOBBING] No, no! Listen to yourselves! You can't give up.
What are you going to do? Go back to the goblins? To the bears? To the forest? To your lovely lakeside oasis? Okay, bad example.
We can't be bullied out of our home by a couple of lousy thieves! I don't know what fight you were watching, lady, but that was way more than a couple of thieves! Yes, it was more than a couple.
And, yes, it would take an army to defeat them.
And where do you suggest we get one of those? [GRUNTS] We do not have time to grow an army from seeds.
Those thieves plan to demolish the town any minute.
I meant Eames! The mole-man with whom I have sworn never, ever to speak? If you can convince Eames to get the Mole King to lend us his army, we can defeat the thieves and get our town back.
[ALL GASPING AND EXCLAIMING] - Which one is Eames? - That just might work.
But there is a flaw in your plan.
It requires me speaking to Eames! Puss, you have to try… for them.
[DULCINEA] For them and for yourself.
You say you don't care about San Lorenzo, but I know you do.
[SIGHS] It is true.
The others, they might be able to go on without their town.
But I cannot go on without them.
San Lorenzo is the first place this nomad can truly call home.
I will do it! I will heroically speak to Eames! [ALL CHEERING] But the next time I die, you're going to write something better on my tombstone! "Great guy! Did some neat stuff!" Pathetic! - [LAUGHTER] - [EAMES WHIMPERING] Oh, Eames, you're the best! - [PUSS CLEARS THROAT] - What? [EAMES SHOUTS AND GROANS] - Can I help you? - Um Eames, I have come to speak to you.
Oh, really? So are you going to apologize? - What? Apologize? I will - Puss! I [SIGHS] I have treated you badly in the past.
It was wrong.
And I… Apologize To you.
Aw, shucks, Puss.
I accept your apology.
Excellent! Now I need a favor.
Ask the Mole King to send his army to help us defeat the thieves.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down there.
You finally apologize, then right away you want a favor? That's not how it works, buddy.
- You're gonna have to beg.
- What? [LAUGHS AND SNORTS] This is great.
I will not beg.
I never beg! Puss! We need this.
[GRUNTS] Eames, I Correct me if I'm wrong, Mole King, but when people beg, don't they usually do it on their knees? Yeah! They sure do, guy! [GROWLS AND MUTTERS] Fine, I'll get on my knees.
Eames, I beg you And don't they usually do it in the form of a song? What? They do not! Nah! You heard the man.
He wants a song.
[SNORTS] Please, you have to do this.
[STRAINING] I cannot! [ARTEPHIUS] Then maybe we can help.
- [PIANO CHORDS] - [ALL] When a favor you must ask It can be a daunting task Now some help is what Puss needs So he comes to you and pleads Help me now, I beg you, please Faking a sad face, I am here on my knees Puss has been rude in the past - And his ego is quite vast - What? But to make his plea complete He will even kiss your feet Thanks so much for suggesting this Utterly humiliating kind of kiss But now you see how much this means I am even willing Though my ego it is killing To kiss the feet of Eames To kiss the feet Of Eames [CHOKING AND SPUTTERING] [TENSE MUSIC] [MOLE KING MUNCHING] Read 'em and weep! El Moco doesn't weep! El Moco wins! - [ALL CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY] - Oh, yeah, El Moco wins.
You win.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY] Let's play again.
Double or nothing.
Ah! You again! San Lorenzo is ours! [LAUGHING] You stupid cat! How many times must I defeat you? - [DESMONDO] Got it! - Huh? - It's unlocked! - Finally! One minute, kitty cat.
Men! Get that treasure out of there so we can blow this town up.
- [ALL CLAMORING AND LAUGHING] - [DESMONDO] At last, I have done it! [ALL CHEERING] [ALL] Huh? [ALL WHIMPERING AND SHOUTING] What the Get 'em, boys! [ALL SHOUTING] What? How? Oh, we took the back way.
Everyone, attack! [ALL SHOUTING] [GRUNTING] [SHOUTING] [GRUNTING] - [STRAINING] - [SHOUTING] [GRUNTING] - Huh? Aah! - [PUSS CLEARS THROAT] Looking for someone? [BOTH GRUNTING] [GROANS] There are too many of us, El Moco.
You cannot win! Huh? - [GRUNTS] - [PUSS YELLS] I don't have to.
This whole place is going to explode! You do realize you are still in town, right? Of course.
So if the town blows up, you will blow up with it.
[GASPS] We have to put it out! - [DRAMATIC MUSIC] - [BOTH PANTING] - Whoa! - [PUSS STRAINING] - Aah! - Ah! [PANTING] [BLOWING FRANTICALLY] Oh! [PUSS YELLING AND PANTING] Aah! [GRUNTING] Uh-oh.
[PANTING AND SHRIEKING] [GASPS] [STRAINING] [GASPS] Kids, behind you! [ALL PANTING AND YELLING] [ALL STRAINING] [ALL SIGH WITH RELIEF] [STRAINING] [ALL GRUNTING] [PANTING AND STRAINING] [SIGHS WITH RELIEF] Huh? [PANTING] [GROANS] [GRUNTING] [GROANS] [PUSS STRAINING] [GROANING] I'm alive! Yes! [SIGHS AND GRUNTS] [ALL CHEERING] Yes! [GIGGLES] Ha! My town is saved! Your town? [GRUNTING] [SLO-MO YELLING] El Moco is defeated! Run! [THIEVES YELLING] [TOWNSPEOPLE CHEERING] [EXCLAIMS AND GRUNTS] [THIEVES YELLING, PANTING] [CHEERING] My friends, I think we can all agree that there truly is no place like home.
And San Lorenzo would not be my home without each and every one of you in it.
Even me? [SIGHS] Even you.
[LAUGHING] Whoo-hoo! Yes, we are all back in town.
No one is missing, not a single one.
All of us, back together again.
Everybody.
[WHIMPERS] So, like, nobody remembered me, huh? Not even one of you? Ugh.
Typical.
[FAST, LIVELY FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING]