The Avengers (1961) s04e21 Episode Script

1 [ Classical music on TV.]
[Announcer.]
'In a few moments we'll be taking you to our London studios 'where a famous visitor from Eastern Europe is waiting.
'Boris Kartovski, a man whose mission to this country has been headline news 'for the past few days.
'Mr Kartovski's efforts to bring about a better understanding 'between East and West have deservedly earned him the title of the Peacemaker.
'Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased and proud to welcome Boris Kartovski.
' 'Good evening.
'I have been asked here this evening to tell you quite informally 'the purpose of my mission to this country.
'It is simple - to seek and create a better understanding 'between East and West.
'I think, I hope I may have succeeded.
'My talks with your ministers of state have been fruitful.
'Particularly fruitful.
'I have been overwhelmed and warmed by my reception here, 'by the eagerness with which the hand of friendship has been extended.
'And on behalf of my country I have grasped it gratefully.
'Now my greatest wish is that with a better understanding 'we will find a new attitude between our countries, 'a unity, a friendship and finally peace.
' [Indistinct conversations.]
You were saying about Kartovski Packed his bags, went back across the wall, closed the door behind him.
Well, wouldn't you? Humiliated in front of ten-million viewers.
- Not able to hush it up this time.
- This time? Well, there have been other incidents.
Sneezing powder at government receptions, plastic spiders in an ambassador's soup and something quite outrageous in a diplomat's bed.
Nowhere seems to be sacrosanct, not even the House of Lords.
A whoopee cushion under the woolsack.
Some took it as a vote of sanction.
[Applause.]
[Applause stops.]
[ Classical music starts.]
It's all very childish, but very damaging.
You're expecting trouble, so that's why we're here.
It's over an oil treaty, isn't it? And if anything goes wrong Nonsense.
What could go wrong? [Banging and clattering.]
[Laughter.]
- So much for the oil treaty.
- A pretty poor joke.
Pretty expensive, too.
ã50 million in oil concessions, foot.
Any idea who's behind these incidents? There's one likely suspect, the Honourable John Claverly Cartney.
Whenever one of these functions misfires, he's usually in the vicinity.
Either before, during or just after the event.
I'll look up one or two of his friends.
Lord Darcy, for instance.
- What about the Honourable John? - I'll leave him to you.
[Plays harpsichord.]
Come in, Darcy.
We're quite alone.
You can talk.
I tried the door.
Then I heard you playing.
Mrs Peel.
Mrs Emma Peel.
Mrs? I've come here to appeal to you, Mr Cartney.
You certainly do that.
A charity appeal, Mr Cartney.
John.
- Would you like a drink, Mrs Peel? - No, thank you.
You were saying? I'm making up a charity list.
I'd like to feel I have your support.
- You have it.
500 guineas? - Mr Cartney! 1,000.
Your eyes have a remarkable depth.
Will you dine with me tonight? 1,000 guineas is most generous.
Tomorrow night? I'll pick you up wherever you say.
I'm sorry, I'm busy.
But I should be most grateful for you donation now.
Remarkable depth.
Sure you won't change your mind? I could order dinner at the George V.
Catch a plane to Paris this afternoon.
Dinner would be waiting for us.
I am busy, but thank you for the donation.
By the way, what the devil am I contributing to? A home for wayward girls.
John! Oh, I thought you were alone.
May I present Mrs Peel, Lord Darcy.
- How do you do? - How do you do? - John - Yes, yes, of course.
Will you excuse us? Some rather dreary business about the estate.
I was leaving anyway.
- Well, Darcy? - I went to the jolly old place, John.
- I did everything you said.
- Then it's all arranged.
Yes.
Arranged.
There.
Willy will tell you.
There was no hitch at all.
No trouble.
Good.
Excellent.
You've done well, Darcy.
Thank you, John.
Better go.
We'll meet later.
I say, it's going to be quite a joke, isn't it? Oh, yes, quite a joke.
[Darcy.]
Horace! Horace! Well, how do I look? Oh, lovely, sir.
Really lovely.
[Clicks fingers.]
- Will you be back for dinner, sir? - I couldn't say.
I'll be back later this evening.
That's all I can tell you.
Right, sir.
[Door shuts.]
[Tuts.]
[Hoover whirrs.]
[Hoover stops.]
[Hoover starts.]
[Hoover stops.]
Hey! Rubber scissors.
What do you make of that? Well, I couldn't make a paper dolly.
How did you get on with Cartney? He gave me a cheque for 1,000 guineas.
Really? - Charity donation.
- Oh.
Generous.
And handsome.
And dynamic.
Very compelling.
Quite fascinating.
We got on rather well.
Whilst you were agog with each other, did you find out anything else? No.
Oh, there was an entry in his diary, which didn't quite make sense.
- What was that? - It said, "Today.
4:30.
Friendship.
" "Friendship"? The Hall of Friendship dedicated to peace between nations.
Of course.
And it's being opened today.
At 4:30.
Some bigwig is due to cut the tape.
[Tyres screeching.]
[Announcer.]
'There, just coming into the picture, the ceremonial scissors, 'which His Excellency will use to cut this tape and declare this fine building open.
' Help! I've lost the picture.
- The aerial! - Oh.
'Those are the ceremonial scissors especially forged for this occasion.
'Made from steel wrested from the foothills of Wales' - How much further is it? - About half a mile.
Well, it's starting.
Let's hope we get there in time to stop it.
'This Hall, this great Hall of Friendship, falls quiet, 'as the scissors are taken to His Excellency.
' 'And he accepts.
In a few moments it will be over.
'His Excellency will cut the tape and formally declare this Hall open.
'He cannot fail to be moved by the solemnity of this occasion.
'And finally he moves to the tape.
He pauses.
'The introductions and speeches are over and we are nearing the big moment.
'And now the scissors are raised and 'His Excellency has fallen! A gush of sparks! 'People are running in.
We are returning you to the studio.
' [Engine stops.]
[Sighs.]
Well, it's no joke any more.
Mr Darcy.
My lord.
You're all wet.
Here you are, we better get this off.
There you are, sir.
Catch a nasty chill that way.
You're soaked right through, sir! You've been walking in the rain? Couldn't you find a taxi, then? Don't you worry, sir.
A cup of cocoa will Are you all right, sir? I'll have that cocoa for you in a jiff.
[Phone rings.]
Give me the phone.
- Hello.
- [Darcy.]
'John' Darcy here.
Look, I-I must see you.
Darcy, no.
I'm afraid I can't.
I'm rather busy.
But I must.
Look, Darcy, I've told you I'm busy.
Hm? No, I'm afraid it can't wait.
Look, Darcy, if you have a complaint to make, bring it up at the proper time at the meeting tonight.
There we are, sir.
A nice cup of steaming-hot cocoa.
- Take it away.
- Sir? I'm going out.
To my club.
- I'll lay out your costume, sir.
- Not that club.
My club in town.
Take the rest of the evening off.
Yes, sir.
Darcy and Cartney, they're both involved.
Oh, we don't know for sure that they are.
I think I'll find Darcy.
Try and get him talking.
You exert your feminine wiles on Cartney.
All right.
Now.
Ooh.
- I have to get ready.
- Oh, Johnny! You're insatiable, aren't you? We don't have to go just yet.
[Chuckles.]
Oh! Aww! I've told you, darling, when I say we do something we do it.
[Sighs.]
Lord Darcy, isn't it? Of course it is.
Nice to see you again.
Do you remember we met at that excruciating house party given by Lady Whatshername? Six of Her Ladyship's corgies savaged Sir Maurice Plumtry as he tried to coax some bees out of the asparagus beds with his flute, last year.
- Yes, I think so.
- Thought you would.
I hope you don't mind my saying so, but you really don't look up to par.
What have you been up to, eh? Eh? I'm looking for Mr Cartney.
He isn't here.
I'll tell him you called.
I'd rather wait, if you don't mind.
I'm afraid he's busy.
He won't have time to see you.
- He's expecting me.
- Mrs Peel! This is a surprise.
Half-expecting.
- Oh, this is Miss Bradley.
- How do you do? - If you're busy, I - No, no, no.
Not at all.
There's no reason why you shouldn't stay on.
It might amuse you to see the fun.
It's a sort of club that I helped to form.
We're meeting here tonight.
What sort of club? Well, it's slightly unusual.
Why don't you come along and see? I ought not to be telling you this.
You can trust me.
After all, we're old friends, aren't we? It was a joke.
Rubber scissors.
It was just a joke.
You were supposed to change the scissors? Mm.
No, no.
No, that was Willy's job.
My part in it was was just to get him in there.
- How did you manage that? - I've got an uncle on the committee.
I pinched his keys.
My job was to get Willy into the place.
Well, it was only supposed to be a joke.
I never intended anybody to get killed.
Of course not.
But why did you play the joke? What was the idea behind it? - Darcy! - Hm? Hm? - Why did you play the joke? - Oh, I had to.
Everyone has to.
It's one of the rules of the club.
Club? What club? The Hellfire Club.
Hellfire? [Indistinct conversations.]
[Shouting and laughter.]
[Raucous laughter.]
Gentlemen! Hellfire! [All.]
Hellfire! May it scorch and singe! Burn and boil! Seethe and scald! Combust and crackle! - Until we are enflamed.
- Roasted.
- Toasted.
- Grilled.
And cauterised.
Until our bones crumble into the demonic heat.
That fire, that Hades.
That realm of Pluto.
That unblessed limbo.
That purgatory.
That pit.
That Thanatos.
Gentlemen! Hellfire! [Glass shattering.]
[All.]
Hellfire! Let the wenching begin! [Cheering.]
Let hell break loose! [Shouting.]
[Grunts.]
[Shouting and screaming.]
Ah, Cartney, what have you there? A new wench for our pleasure? This is my guest of honour for the evening.
My lords Cardigan, Ragsland and Lincoln.
Ma'am, I pledge this good steel to thee.
- Prithee, sit down.
- Pray, sit down.
Oh, Willy, you are ill-mannered.
Pray, sir, would you care to teach him better manners? Willy's our champion duellist.
Sabres, swords, pistols.
He's come through quite a few skirmishes.
- Haven't you, Willy? - Prithee, sit down, ma'am.
[Raucous laughter.]
[Shouting.]
Terribly kind of you.
Must be an awful nuisance.
Not at all.
You'd do the same for me.
Oh I don't suppose you ever need it.
You don't go making a silly ass of yourself, do you? Now you just get some rest.
Steed You don't think I had anything to do with that murder, do you? No, I think you were duped.
Hm You know, Steed talking to you has helped me a lot.
It's shown me what I have to do.
- I'm very grateful.
- We'll talk about that later.
First, I'll fix you up with my patent hangover cure.
I call it National Anthem.
It'll soon get you on your feet.
Now one dose of this and you'll [Shouting and cheering.]
[Indistinct conversations.]
I try to recreate exactly the days of the original Hellfire Club.
The same atmosphere, excitement and, of course, the same pleasures.
A man controlled his destiny by the strength of his arm, the skill of his sword and the wit of his pen.
- And the divine right of his birth.
- And women? Oh mere vessels of pleasure.
- I see.
- Do I detect a note of disapproval? Cartney Cartney! I want to see you, Cartney.
- Well, see me then.
- You used me.
You planned the whole thing that way.
The rubber scissors were just an excuse! - Shut up! - I'm not going to shut up! - We're going to talk about it.
- All right.
But at the proper time.
I'll call a special meeting.
Now.
A special meeting of the superior members is called.
Pray, excuse me, ma'am.
Do you realise what it means to challenge an assembly of superiors? Superiors? A lot of nonsense! The complainant will stand on the Circle of Justice.
Oh, all right! But if you think I'm going to The assembly of superiors is now convened.
The complainant will, please, state his name.
You know my name! The complainant will, please, state his name.
Look, I'm not playing any more of your silly games.
I just want an explanation, that's all.
Why you and Cartney and the rest of you plotted a murder.
A filthy, rotten murder! And involved me! Well? Why? I just thought I'd give you a chance to say something.
Before I went to the authorities and told them the truth.
Well? Why? All right, then.
[Gasps.]
[Splashing.]
He wasn't at all a bad chap.
Misguided, perhaps.
He was drowned.
They did it.
I'm sure of it.
Cartney and his superior members.
What about this club? A recreation of the original Hellfire Club.
On the surface, it's innocent enough.
Dressing up, play-acting.
- But beneath the surface - When can I join? Right now, perhaps.
Mrs Peel.
- He came to pay his last respects.
- You knew Lord Darcy? A passing acquaintance.
- A tragic accident.
- [Steed.]
Yes.
We did warn him about it, but he would do it.
Bad timing, too.
He was just about to introduce me to your club.
I told Mr Steed you'd be sure to agree.
Well, you could present yourself to the assembly here tonight and see what they say, Mr Steed.
[Indistinct conversation.]
Gentlemen Gentlemen! The first thing on the agenda is the initiation of a new member.
- Do we know him? - Mrs Peel does.
Well, that's good enough for me.
But he still has to undergo an examination.
Of course.
Who is he anyway.
Steed.
John Steed.
He's waiting outside.
Willy, would you? Mr Steed.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Welcome to Hellfire Hall.
Do you still wish to become a member of this illustrious club? I do indeed.
- Are you aware of its functions? - More or less I think.
We believe in the power of evil, Mr Steed.
We believe in the ultimate sins.
Have you ever committed an ultimate sin, Mr Steed? No.
But I'm always open to suggestions.
[Chuckles.]
Give our guest a drink.
The goblet we reserve for our special guests.
Right-oh.
[Cartney.]
To the brim, Willy! Mustn't let our guests think that we're ungenerous.
Perish the thought.
Mr Steed, it is customary for us to drink a toast upon the introduction of a new member.
We drain our glasses to its glory.
- Hellfire! - [Both.]
Hellfire! Hellfire! Gentlemen! [Laughs.]
[Exhales.]
Do you mind? The drive down seems to have given me quite a thirst.
Thank you.
[Laughs raucously.]
Splendid performance! Splendid performance! You've achieved a measure of popularity already.
Good! All that remains is for me to welcome you as a member of the Hellfire Club.
- Absolutely! - How do you do? Ragsland's the name.
Once you pass the ultimate test.
Look, Cartney, we don't normally Well, I'm sure Mr Steed won't object to another test.
- Not at all.
- Whatever it may be.
- Whatever it may be.
- Fetch it.
Observe.
A single, solitary, dried pea.
Roger is somewhat of an expert with that.
His accuracy and speed is something to marvel at.
Watch.
Ready? Now! - An impressive performance.
- Very.
Fast and accurate.
Terribly accurate.
Do you think you could you beat him? Do you think you could remove the pea before the axe falls? That is the test.
When I give the signal.
Personally, I think Roger is unbeatable.
So does Willy.
He tried it once.
For a bet.
But you might be luckier.
Remove that before Exactly! Now you know what the test is, perhaps you'd like to withdraw? No, no, no.
Are you ready, Roger? Are you ready? Er when I give the signal.
[Sniffs.]
Now! [Sighs.]
Well done.
[Sniffs.]
Ha.
Do you mind? I could use this in my whistle.
[Laughter.]
- Thank you very much indeed! - [Member.]
Very clever! - [Member 2.]
Welcome to the club.
- [Steed.]
It's a pleasure to join.
[Member 2.]
I should've tried that myself! - Congratulations.
You're one of us.
- Thank you.
- Tomorrow is the Night of all Sins.
- The Night of all Sins? - Yes, I hope we'll see you.
- Couldn't keep me away.
[Exhales.]
[Sniffs.]
[Cartney.]
Let us get on to something much more serious, the final item on the agenda.
So far, our plan of anarchy is taking effect.
We have embarrassed the government, caused a great deal of unrest within it and, what is more important, upset negotiations.
So far so good.
The time has come for something much more important.
A coup.
So outrageous that the whole country will be up in arms.
It is simple, direct and deadly.
We'll put it into operation tomorrow evening.
Tomorrow evening? But that's the Night of Exactly.
Our activities here will cover up the whole operation.
I'll give you the details then.
Make sure you're all here at least half hour before our guests arrive.
Shh.
[Knock on door.]
Your box.
Intact, save a pinch or two.
[Sniffs.]
[Sighs.]
Aren't you ready yet, Steed? Just coming, Mrs Peel! It's the first time I've had to wait for a man.
Ah, you're judging man by 20th-century standards.
Now, if it were 200 years ago - Odds bodkins! - Stap my vitals! This is what the well-dressed rake is wearing this year.
Ooh! I shall have to retain an upright posture all evening.
May I say you're uncommon handsome, ma'am? Uncommon handsome.
Thank you, sir.
What's going to happen tonight? The Night of all Sins.
Something big is brewing.
- Something big.
- Ooh.
[Shouting and laughter.]
[Cheering.]
More, more, more! Away with you! On with you! I'm glad I haven't got the apartment upstairs.
- Sarah! Come with me! - Tommy, no! Seen anything suspicious? No, not suspicious.
Sarah, Cartney's ex, might know something.
Where is Cartney? I haven't seen him.
Steed Follow that chair.
Careful! [Shouting and cheering.]
[Woman.]
Oh! There are enough explosives in the catacombs to sink a battleship.
So glad you could both come.
And you're looking very attractive.
But not quite right for what I had in mind for you.
Let these ladies in waiting take you away and put on something more appropriate.
Oh, but I'd, I'd much rather - Enjoying yourself? - Well, I was.
There you are! I thought you'd run off and left me.
Everybody runs off and leaves me.
Oh, but you won't, will you? You'll look after me.
Yes, I'll look after you.
Oh, look, it's fabulous, isn't it? And that An exact rep Replica of the original Hellfire Club! In more ways than one.
That's what John says.
- Cartney? What did he say? - I told you! An exact An exact replica of the Hellfire Club.
In more ways than one.
What did he mean by that? [Chuckles.]
You were saying about the Hellfire Club? Oh! You dance divinely! Sarah, what did John say about the club? Oh, now you must know about the original Hellfire Club.
It was formed in 1759, indulged in activities like this, attracted all the most influential men Became politically powerful and for a while the Hellfire Club controlled the whole country.
Topple the government, then take over! That's what John says.
Oh, you're too intellectual.
I want a drink! Did John say how he meant to topple the government? Oh, I told you! Tunnels.
Under here.
Catacombs and tunnels.
Well, one of them leads to Culverston House.
Now you must have heard of that.
Yes, I've heard of that.
There's a cabinet meeting there tonight.
Not for long.
One big bang and they'll all - Excuse me.
- be gone! Oh [Shouting and laughter.]
My lords! Ladies and gentlemen! Shh, shh! Midnight approaches.
The witching hour.
And as a sign of that hour, as a symbol of all that is evil, as the epitome and purveyor of this Night of Sins, I give you the Queen of Sin.
Mrs Peel! She is yours.
To do with what you will.
[Shouting and cheering.]
[Shouting.]
[Sighs.]
Come on! Come on! Come on! Go on! Kill him! Come on! 400 guineas! - 500 guineas! - [Mouths.]
500.
- Come on! - Come on! Whoops! - Here, that's the man! - What man, Horace? The man who broke into Lord Darcy's flat.
He's right, you know.
Gentlemen, it appears that we have a spy in our midst.
You know the penalty for spies.
But never let it be said that we lack a sense of fair play.
You'll be given a chance against Willy here.
The choice of weapons is yours.
Feather dusters at 400 yards! Swords? - The choice of time is yours.
- Right now.
- Here? - No holds barred.
- Without interference? - To the death.
The terms are agreed.
Horace will be your second I'm sure.
- Thank you.
- With pleasure, sir.
Tubby! To the death, Mr Steed.
No holds barred.
[Willy coughs.]
[Shouting.]
[Shouting.]
[Grunts.]
[Sighs.]
[Grunts.]
Very impressive.
Now what are you like with big boys? [Whipping.]
[Yells.]
[Splashing.]
Can't really beat this mode of travel, can you? Definitely can't beat it.
- That damned horseless carriage! - Just a fad.
Can't possibly last.
Giddy-up! Giddy-up!