The Comedy Get Down (2017) s01e10 Episode Script
LA Story Part. 2
1 Previously on "The Comedt Down.
" The show tonight is going to be at the Forum, which is my home.
So you guys got me some good seats for tonight? Kareem, you got the best seats.
The best.
Kareem walk out with just without paying the bill? He invited our asses out to dinner and then bounced on the check.
I took care of our little Kareem problem.
He did put him in a very special seat.
DL: Oh! I guess there was a mix-up.
Apparently Kareem had already bought the dinner tonight on his house account.
- Okay, okay, all right.
- DL: Kareem, baby! GEORGE: Charlie did it! Charlie did it! [THEME SONG.]
The Comedy Get Down 1x10 "LA Story Part 2 " Dec 21, 2017 GEORGE: What are we gonna do? We stuck Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the rafter seats for nothing.
In his house, home of the showtime legacy, mm-mm-mm! White Terry, come on in here, man.
What's up? Go find Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and bring him to the VIP section.
Okay.
And remind him that he's invited to the big after-party tonight.
Of course.
And tell him it's your fault he got bad seats.
My fault? But I didn't do anything.
- Of course you did.
- It's not my fault.
It's called taking one for the team, White Terry.
It's what a family does for each other.
- Family? - Family.
You guys consider me part of the family? - Sure.
- Yeah.
I mean, more like a overgrown foster kid with a lisp, but yeah, family nonetheless, yes.
I'm gonna take one for the team.
A full-time family team member.
I don't hug.
- Okay, okay, White Terry.
- DL I'm a Jehovah's Witness I think you know how to let yourself out.
Okay.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
- It should be all right.
- Hopefully that'll work.
Does that mean I don't have to get you a birthday gift? AUDIENCE: [CHEERING.]
I'm talking about you white people because I can.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Y'all know those [BLEEP.]
guys.
You do shit that no other culture on earth would do.
Y'all seen the animal channel, going to the mountains in a desert, and try to catch a scorpion.
Tss! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
[BLEEP.]
don't [BLEEP.]
with nothing that got more legs than us.
[BLEEP.]
like floor on fire.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I don't know.
It had too many legs.
Y'all seen this shit on YouTube about four or five months ago? White family went to Africa on safari, and they got chewed up by a pack of lions.
I was laughing my mother [BLEEP.]
ass off.
It's not that I'm not compassionate about you Caucasians.
It's just that the shit is stupid to me.
[BLEEP.]
have been in Africa since before it was called Africa.
Not one chewed up by a pack of lions.
Here come that crazy white man.
Look, Daddy.
He's a beaut.
Come on, let's go closer.
The African guy like, I don't think you want to go any closer.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You know that crazy white man think he know everything.
I read a book! They won't bite you when they're already feeding.
They're already feeding.
Here, Umbuntu, take my camera.
I want a picture of it.
Okay.
Over here.
[CHOMPING SOUNDS.]
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I get a free camera like this every week! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Leave shit alone, white people.
Y'all trying to [BLEEP.]
with Mother Nature.
You're gettin' your ass whooped.
You're not going to beat a planet.
Every year, tornados [BLEEP.]
up y'all trailer parks.
Are we sensing a pattern here? That's God's way of saying get this shit off my property! This ain't no real house.
Stop putting the fake grass in front of this shit.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
And how does your mobile home get [BLEEP.]
up by a tornado? The first word in this is phrase is mobile.
If you see the tornado, drive your house away from the mother [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [APPLAUSE.]
You ain't never heard of a tornado [BLEEP.]
up the projects.
That's God's way of saying leave them [BLEEP.]
alone.
They got enough problems.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I don't [BLEEP.]
the white women.
When you see with me a white woman, it's 'cause it was in a movie, 'cause every [BLEEP.]
that done [BLEEP.]
with a white women that's famous, they got problems.
OJ still ain't outta jail.
Kobe's still trying to live down the incident in Colorado.
Tiger Woods is [BLEEP.]
up.
And at 15-18, white people, he can't play golf no more.
You the best golf player in history.
White [BLEEP.]
, I don't know! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
AUDIENCE: [CHEERING.]
Nobody's seen White Terry? He didn't find Kareem? No, man.
No word yet.
Nina, can you find out what's going on? Yeah.
Nina for White Terry? - WHITE TERRY: White Terry.
- Have you talked to Kareem? WHITE TERRY: Negative.
He is not in his seat.
I've been looking everywhere for him, but no luck.
Hey listen, man.
What we all wanna know is how come you can't find a 7-foot angry giraffe who just so happens to be wearing a white suit.
WHITE TERRY: Uh, Nina, there's someone else on our channel.
Identify yourself, sir.
Charlie mother [BLEEP.]
Murphy.
WHITE TERRY: Go for White Terry.
Hey, White Terry, listen.
You get Kareem and you bring him down to the dressing room ASAP.
If you don't do that, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna beat the white off you.
Your name is gonna be Just Terry.
Get it? Just Terry.
WHITE TERRY: Copy that.
AUDIENCE: [APPLAUSE.]
Lamar Odom was in a coma.
Black people prayed it away.
Prayer changes things.
Maybe that's true to you.
But nothing'll wake your ass up from a coma faster than your ex-woman is making your medical decisions.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
That mother [BLEEP.]
Khloe's in charge.
He hopped right up.
I'm all right! I just needed a nap and some Pedialyte.
You ain't gonna get my money , shit.
I'm up! My wife would never unplug me.
She'd leave me plugged in just to [BLEEP.]
with me.
Who are your bitches now? AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Gay people can get married in all 50 states, man.
I'm glad for them.
If straight people had to fight that hard to get married, we'd had to live with that shit.
I want to get married, but [BLEEP.]
is illegal, so I got three strikes.
I can't do no shit like that.
I'm on probation.
And black people don't like gay people, which is dumb to me, 'cause if it weren't for gay people, we wouldn't have a choir director, so, uh AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND MOANS.]
Oh, that ain't [BLEEP.]
true? We'll see tomorrow! You ever been to a church with a straight choir director? That's the most boring church ever.
Like, hey, man, where the sister with the tambourine, huh? I've gotta praise Jesus.
Our first gay player drafted in the NFL, Michael Sam.
I'm proud of America for evolving past the point they look at somebody's sexuality.
A lot of gay activists were upset.
Michael Sam won the seventh round 'cause he was gay.
Michael Sam win the seventh round 'cause he ran a 4 in 9, now.
In America, you can be gay, but you can't be slow and gay, [BLEEP.]
.
You got to come out the gate just as fast as you came out the closet, now.
You can [BLEEP.]
your man on Saturday as long as you can catch that man on Sunday.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I think it's hilarious that the first gay dude was drafted by the Rams.
That cracks me the [BLEEP.]
up.
If it would've been the Packers or the Browns AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Caitlyn Jenner was the Woman of the Year last year, which is amazing to me, 'cause she didn't become a woman 'til April, and the year wasn't over yet.
You can be the woman before taxes.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Isn't Caitilyn beautiful? You mother [BLEEP.]
, not to me.
To me she, she look like Mrs.
Doubtfire.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You can say you're a woman and used to be a man, and I'll call you what you tell me to.
But the doctor gonna call you and tell you you need a prostate examination.
You can wear a sundress when you go, but you're still getting a finger in your ass, so happy anniversary, I guess.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
We live in a country where you can self-identify.
You can you say you something, and there you that.
So from now on, I'm a white man trapped in this [BLEEP.]
body.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Now my name is Chad.
I don't think the police gonna respect my woo! Wait a minute, officer, you don't understand.
I'm a white man trapped in this [BLEEP.]
body.
Well, both you mother [BLEEP.]
get out the car.
But the [BLEEP.]
first.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Man, y'all think Kareem gonna ever forgive us for this? I don't know.
What we did was pretty bad.
No, he ain't gonna forgive us, man.
What we did was like going in somebody's living room, and taking a shit on the rug.
Wait a minute.
Who's the rug, then? Kareem is the rug.
Wouldn't Kareem be more like the hardwood floor? - Yeah, like a basketball court.
- Exactly.
GEORGE: Wait a minute.
Wouldn't the bad seat be the rug? No, the bad seat would be the shit.
Bad seat would be shit that's on the rug.
I think Kareem is the couch that's on top of the rug.
It was no couch, George.
You can't add that to a word problem.
No, 'cause it was it was It's a word problem once it's a word problem 'cause if you say like, we had the hardwood floor.
- I agree that we put that in.
- Yeah.
Now, I say basketball court.
You say a hardwood floor.
But it's the same thing.
Those are synonymous.
So that equals those two things.
It's actually the square root of the pi.
'Cause you said the pi, and I didn't know exactly Enough with the metaphors, all right? We disrespected the man.
That's all that matters.
But when the shit comes out of the sky - You're on.
- Look, tell DL to stretch.
I'm trying to figure this out right now.
Okay, so it's a rug, a chair, and Chinese man.
Well speaking of rugws, is it this rug right here? 'Cause I just got these.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I mean, you know, I'm trying to do a little something better.
I've been trying to, you know, get a little bit shape.
I had to try and lose some weight, man.
[BLEEP.]
damn.
I walked down the street.
I'll tell y'all a story.
I'm walking down the street and I see this white lady gonna come up to me, like, oh my god, I can't believe it's you.
She got a little daughter with her.
She was like, can we take a picture with you? I'm like, of course, you know? I take the picture with them and shit.
I'm about to leave.
I walk out.
She like, thank you, CeeLo! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
CeeLo? [BLEEP.]
you And little girl, [BLEEP.]
you too I don't [BLEEP.]
like CeeLo, shit.
I walk right into a SoulCycle class.
[BLEEP.]
! Soul suit on, [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Shit, I gotta do something, man.
Everybody's losing weight, man.
man.
I had to lose weight.
I'm, like, the last fat [BLEEP.]
in Hollywood.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Anthony Anderson lost weight.
You see Anthony looking good.
Mother [BLEEP.]
Rick Ross shed a lot of weight.
The boss.
He used to be like, huh! Now he lost all that weight, he saying, heh? [BLEEP.]
Al Roker, Al Sharpton.
Al Sharpton lost too much [BLEEP.]
damn weight, don't you think? He [BLEEP.]
lost neck weight.
You can't have no little-ass neck and have a perm, Al.
You can't have [BLEEP.]
on TV looking like a damn bobblehead.
It doesn't [BLEEP.]
look good.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You know what, Al? You can't do it.
I'm trying to get it together, man.
See, now I'm listening to all this music.
You came out there.
The old school, got their pop on.
But now these songs, they ain't [BLEEP.]
around.
They say what they wanna say now.
Is it just me Is it just me With the [BLEEP.]
so good I shouldn't have to [BLEEP.]
for free I'm like, oh, jeez, is that on the radio right now? Jesus! What the hell? You kids ain't messing around, man.
We used to have songs that had sexual stuff in them, but it was, like, an innuendo.
Like, you still had to figure it out and shit.
Y'all heard "Down in the DM"? Ain't got time for that bullshit no more, man.
It goes down in the DM, hey Snapchat me that [BLEEP.]
Whoa! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I'm like, damn, did he just say "Snapchat me the "? And I didn't even know what it was.
When I first heard it, I had never heard of Snapchat.
I thought Yo Gotti was saying, "Snatch me that [BLEEP.]
.
" I was like, woo, Yo Gotti, that's pretty impressive.
You know, with all this Bill Cosby shit going on right now, I'm not sure you wanna be snatching at nobody's [BLEEP.]
like that.
They're like, no, it's Snapchat.
It's a app.
I don't know if y'all know this, but on Snapchat, you can take a picture of your [BLEEP.]
, okay, ladies? You can take a picture of your [BLEEP.]
and you can put it on the internet, all right? And it'll melt away like a snowflake in about three days.
So if ever you're bored, Snapchat's [BLEEP.]
out there.
It no big deal to us.
Snapchat's [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
And the girls getting in on it too.
They ain't messin' around.
The girls' raps just as aggressive.
I'm riding around in the car with my little 12-year old daughter.
We in the car.
This song on.
She's singing her little heart out.
I hear this lyric and it just throw me off.
This girl all on the record.
And you gotta eat the booty like groceries I'm like, oh! Okay, where is Yolanda Adams when you need her? "You gotta eat the booty like groceries?" Come on.
And don't get me wrong, y'all.
I'm over 40, so I'm willing to participate.
That ain't what I'm talking about.
That ain't what I'm saying.
I'm talking about I need to know how much groceries we talking about.
This is more where my concern is, you know? We talking 10 items or less, you know? AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Or is it Costco's? Is it gonna be a Costco's day? - Great show, man.
- I had a lot of fun, man.
The after-party gonna be lit! We got the legs too.
You know, it's a little tough No, no.
It's good.
Hey, you guys, I just heard from Kareem.
- Is he pissed? - I'd say he's more hurt.
- Hurt tall guy? - Yeah.
Um, he's out back in the limo if you wanna go make things right.
You know, I mean, you know what? We'll go talk to him, get him to come to the after-party.
Maybe he'll love that.
The afterparty tonight.
Kareem is chill.
He's a chill dude.
He'll understand this.
I'm sure he'll understand.
Yeah, what if he doesn't? - CEDRIC: Yeah.
- We blame White Terry.
Ah.
Ah ha! There you go! We hired him for that, right? Blame White Terry! That sounds fine to me.
As long as it's not me.
CEDRIC: Why even have a white guy around that you can't blame shit on? Where is he? I thought he was right out here, man.
I think he's supposed to be out there.
- Is that him? - GEORGE: I think so.
Whoa, whoa, wait, hey.
Be careful, man.
Don't just walk up on anybody.
[KNOCKS ON WINDOW.]
[WINDOW WHIRRING.]
Kareem! Hey, man, we've been looking everywhere for you.
Should've checked the nosebleeds.
That was a huge mistake.
See, we thought you stuck us with the dinner bill, and we just wanted a little payback.
- We was just playing, bro.
- We apologize.
Look, it's fine.
I can take a joke.
It's all good.
I figured it would be, man.
If this is all good, man, why don't you come on back in with us, man? Party's going on.
It's great.
Wolfgang threw down.
Food's delicious, good music.
Come on back in and celebrate with us, brother.
It's gonna be the best party of the tour.
Actually, the party just ended for you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna drive down the street named after me.
Good bye, mother [BLEEP.]
.
Angry Giraffe Street.
DL: The party's over for us.
EDDIE: That was some cryptic shit right there.
[BLEEP.]
that.
That's what I'm saying.
Sorry, guys.
I can't let you in.
No, we're the performers.
Comedy Get Down? That's our stuff right there.
Uh, Eddie Griffin, Cedric the Entertainer, DL Hughley, Charlie Murphy, George Lopez.
Oh I know who you are.
We've been instructed not to let you back in the building.
I suppose this has something to do with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
It's his house.
I'm just following orders.
Ain't this a bitch? - Lock it up! - Shit! Hey, LeBron, let me talk to you for a minute.
My man! My momma's in there! Are you serious right now? Call Nina, man.
I didn't bring my phone with me.
Yeah, my phone is in the car.
GEORGE: Aw, man, I don't have any bars.
Talk about bad luck.
Aw, man.
Man.
- You guys hungry? - I could eat.
What up, babe? How are you doing? George, you're paying, right? - Why do I gotta pay? - You gotta pay, George.
You know the rules.
You do the voices.
You're the richest guy here.
All right.
[SPEAKS SPANISH.]
Ah, they got the ice Kareem.
That's punny.
Y'all, I'll take a beer and get this, then.
You wanna do beer? Let's break out, man.
- All right, thank you.
- Thank you.
Yeah, that's good right there.
Hey, guys, for real? It's been a great tour.
To good friendship, good times.
- To The Comedy -Get Down! [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah.
Anybody got a bottle opener? Hey, we need a bottle opener! How do you say "opener" in Spanish? GEORGE: Abrebotellas! EDDIE: [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
CEDRIC: Aw, shit.
This has been a bad night.
" The show tonight is going to be at the Forum, which is my home.
So you guys got me some good seats for tonight? Kareem, you got the best seats.
The best.
Kareem walk out with just without paying the bill? He invited our asses out to dinner and then bounced on the check.
I took care of our little Kareem problem.
He did put him in a very special seat.
DL: Oh! I guess there was a mix-up.
Apparently Kareem had already bought the dinner tonight on his house account.
- Okay, okay, all right.
- DL: Kareem, baby! GEORGE: Charlie did it! Charlie did it! [THEME SONG.]
The Comedy Get Down 1x10 "LA Story Part 2 " Dec 21, 2017 GEORGE: What are we gonna do? We stuck Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in the rafter seats for nothing.
In his house, home of the showtime legacy, mm-mm-mm! White Terry, come on in here, man.
What's up? Go find Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and bring him to the VIP section.
Okay.
And remind him that he's invited to the big after-party tonight.
Of course.
And tell him it's your fault he got bad seats.
My fault? But I didn't do anything.
- Of course you did.
- It's not my fault.
It's called taking one for the team, White Terry.
It's what a family does for each other.
- Family? - Family.
You guys consider me part of the family? - Sure.
- Yeah.
I mean, more like a overgrown foster kid with a lisp, but yeah, family nonetheless, yes.
I'm gonna take one for the team.
A full-time family team member.
I don't hug.
- Okay, okay, White Terry.
- DL I'm a Jehovah's Witness I think you know how to let yourself out.
Okay.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
- It should be all right.
- Hopefully that'll work.
Does that mean I don't have to get you a birthday gift? AUDIENCE: [CHEERING.]
I'm talking about you white people because I can.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Y'all know those [BLEEP.]
guys.
You do shit that no other culture on earth would do.
Y'all seen the animal channel, going to the mountains in a desert, and try to catch a scorpion.
Tss! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
[BLEEP.]
don't [BLEEP.]
with nothing that got more legs than us.
[BLEEP.]
like floor on fire.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I don't know.
It had too many legs.
Y'all seen this shit on YouTube about four or five months ago? White family went to Africa on safari, and they got chewed up by a pack of lions.
I was laughing my mother [BLEEP.]
ass off.
It's not that I'm not compassionate about you Caucasians.
It's just that the shit is stupid to me.
[BLEEP.]
have been in Africa since before it was called Africa.
Not one chewed up by a pack of lions.
Here come that crazy white man.
Look, Daddy.
He's a beaut.
Come on, let's go closer.
The African guy like, I don't think you want to go any closer.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You know that crazy white man think he know everything.
I read a book! They won't bite you when they're already feeding.
They're already feeding.
Here, Umbuntu, take my camera.
I want a picture of it.
Okay.
Over here.
[CHOMPING SOUNDS.]
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I get a free camera like this every week! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Leave shit alone, white people.
Y'all trying to [BLEEP.]
with Mother Nature.
You're gettin' your ass whooped.
You're not going to beat a planet.
Every year, tornados [BLEEP.]
up y'all trailer parks.
Are we sensing a pattern here? That's God's way of saying get this shit off my property! This ain't no real house.
Stop putting the fake grass in front of this shit.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
And how does your mobile home get [BLEEP.]
up by a tornado? The first word in this is phrase is mobile.
If you see the tornado, drive your house away from the mother [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [APPLAUSE.]
You ain't never heard of a tornado [BLEEP.]
up the projects.
That's God's way of saying leave them [BLEEP.]
alone.
They got enough problems.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I don't [BLEEP.]
the white women.
When you see with me a white woman, it's 'cause it was in a movie, 'cause every [BLEEP.]
that done [BLEEP.]
with a white women that's famous, they got problems.
OJ still ain't outta jail.
Kobe's still trying to live down the incident in Colorado.
Tiger Woods is [BLEEP.]
up.
And at 15-18, white people, he can't play golf no more.
You the best golf player in history.
White [BLEEP.]
, I don't know! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
AUDIENCE: [CHEERING.]
Nobody's seen White Terry? He didn't find Kareem? No, man.
No word yet.
Nina, can you find out what's going on? Yeah.
Nina for White Terry? - WHITE TERRY: White Terry.
- Have you talked to Kareem? WHITE TERRY: Negative.
He is not in his seat.
I've been looking everywhere for him, but no luck.
Hey listen, man.
What we all wanna know is how come you can't find a 7-foot angry giraffe who just so happens to be wearing a white suit.
WHITE TERRY: Uh, Nina, there's someone else on our channel.
Identify yourself, sir.
Charlie mother [BLEEP.]
Murphy.
WHITE TERRY: Go for White Terry.
Hey, White Terry, listen.
You get Kareem and you bring him down to the dressing room ASAP.
If you don't do that, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna beat the white off you.
Your name is gonna be Just Terry.
Get it? Just Terry.
WHITE TERRY: Copy that.
AUDIENCE: [APPLAUSE.]
Lamar Odom was in a coma.
Black people prayed it away.
Prayer changes things.
Maybe that's true to you.
But nothing'll wake your ass up from a coma faster than your ex-woman is making your medical decisions.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
That mother [BLEEP.]
Khloe's in charge.
He hopped right up.
I'm all right! I just needed a nap and some Pedialyte.
You ain't gonna get my money , shit.
I'm up! My wife would never unplug me.
She'd leave me plugged in just to [BLEEP.]
with me.
Who are your bitches now? AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.]
Gay people can get married in all 50 states, man.
I'm glad for them.
If straight people had to fight that hard to get married, we'd had to live with that shit.
I want to get married, but [BLEEP.]
is illegal, so I got three strikes.
I can't do no shit like that.
I'm on probation.
And black people don't like gay people, which is dumb to me, 'cause if it weren't for gay people, we wouldn't have a choir director, so, uh AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND MOANS.]
Oh, that ain't [BLEEP.]
true? We'll see tomorrow! You ever been to a church with a straight choir director? That's the most boring church ever.
Like, hey, man, where the sister with the tambourine, huh? I've gotta praise Jesus.
Our first gay player drafted in the NFL, Michael Sam.
I'm proud of America for evolving past the point they look at somebody's sexuality.
A lot of gay activists were upset.
Michael Sam won the seventh round 'cause he was gay.
Michael Sam win the seventh round 'cause he ran a 4 in 9, now.
In America, you can be gay, but you can't be slow and gay, [BLEEP.]
.
You got to come out the gate just as fast as you came out the closet, now.
You can [BLEEP.]
your man on Saturday as long as you can catch that man on Sunday.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I think it's hilarious that the first gay dude was drafted by the Rams.
That cracks me the [BLEEP.]
up.
If it would've been the Packers or the Browns AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Caitlyn Jenner was the Woman of the Year last year, which is amazing to me, 'cause she didn't become a woman 'til April, and the year wasn't over yet.
You can be the woman before taxes.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Isn't Caitilyn beautiful? You mother [BLEEP.]
, not to me.
To me she, she look like Mrs.
Doubtfire.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You can say you're a woman and used to be a man, and I'll call you what you tell me to.
But the doctor gonna call you and tell you you need a prostate examination.
You can wear a sundress when you go, but you're still getting a finger in your ass, so happy anniversary, I guess.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
We live in a country where you can self-identify.
You can you say you something, and there you that.
So from now on, I'm a white man trapped in this [BLEEP.]
body.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Now my name is Chad.
I don't think the police gonna respect my woo! Wait a minute, officer, you don't understand.
I'm a white man trapped in this [BLEEP.]
body.
Well, both you mother [BLEEP.]
get out the car.
But the [BLEEP.]
first.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Man, y'all think Kareem gonna ever forgive us for this? I don't know.
What we did was pretty bad.
No, he ain't gonna forgive us, man.
What we did was like going in somebody's living room, and taking a shit on the rug.
Wait a minute.
Who's the rug, then? Kareem is the rug.
Wouldn't Kareem be more like the hardwood floor? - Yeah, like a basketball court.
- Exactly.
GEORGE: Wait a minute.
Wouldn't the bad seat be the rug? No, the bad seat would be the shit.
Bad seat would be shit that's on the rug.
I think Kareem is the couch that's on top of the rug.
It was no couch, George.
You can't add that to a word problem.
No, 'cause it was it was It's a word problem once it's a word problem 'cause if you say like, we had the hardwood floor.
- I agree that we put that in.
- Yeah.
Now, I say basketball court.
You say a hardwood floor.
But it's the same thing.
Those are synonymous.
So that equals those two things.
It's actually the square root of the pi.
'Cause you said the pi, and I didn't know exactly Enough with the metaphors, all right? We disrespected the man.
That's all that matters.
But when the shit comes out of the sky - You're on.
- Look, tell DL to stretch.
I'm trying to figure this out right now.
Okay, so it's a rug, a chair, and Chinese man.
Well speaking of rugws, is it this rug right here? 'Cause I just got these.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I mean, you know, I'm trying to do a little something better.
I've been trying to, you know, get a little bit shape.
I had to try and lose some weight, man.
[BLEEP.]
damn.
I walked down the street.
I'll tell y'all a story.
I'm walking down the street and I see this white lady gonna come up to me, like, oh my god, I can't believe it's you.
She got a little daughter with her.
She was like, can we take a picture with you? I'm like, of course, you know? I take the picture with them and shit.
I'm about to leave.
I walk out.
She like, thank you, CeeLo! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
CeeLo? [BLEEP.]
you And little girl, [BLEEP.]
you too I don't [BLEEP.]
like CeeLo, shit.
I walk right into a SoulCycle class.
[BLEEP.]
! Soul suit on, [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Shit, I gotta do something, man.
Everybody's losing weight, man.
man.
I had to lose weight.
I'm, like, the last fat [BLEEP.]
in Hollywood.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Anthony Anderson lost weight.
You see Anthony looking good.
Mother [BLEEP.]
Rick Ross shed a lot of weight.
The boss.
He used to be like, huh! Now he lost all that weight, he saying, heh? [BLEEP.]
Al Roker, Al Sharpton.
Al Sharpton lost too much [BLEEP.]
damn weight, don't you think? He [BLEEP.]
lost neck weight.
You can't have no little-ass neck and have a perm, Al.
You can't have [BLEEP.]
on TV looking like a damn bobblehead.
It doesn't [BLEEP.]
look good.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
You know what, Al? You can't do it.
I'm trying to get it together, man.
See, now I'm listening to all this music.
You came out there.
The old school, got their pop on.
But now these songs, they ain't [BLEEP.]
around.
They say what they wanna say now.
Is it just me Is it just me With the [BLEEP.]
so good I shouldn't have to [BLEEP.]
for free I'm like, oh, jeez, is that on the radio right now? Jesus! What the hell? You kids ain't messing around, man.
We used to have songs that had sexual stuff in them, but it was, like, an innuendo.
Like, you still had to figure it out and shit.
Y'all heard "Down in the DM"? Ain't got time for that bullshit no more, man.
It goes down in the DM, hey Snapchat me that [BLEEP.]
Whoa! AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
I'm like, damn, did he just say "Snapchat me the "? And I didn't even know what it was.
When I first heard it, I had never heard of Snapchat.
I thought Yo Gotti was saying, "Snatch me that [BLEEP.]
.
" I was like, woo, Yo Gotti, that's pretty impressive.
You know, with all this Bill Cosby shit going on right now, I'm not sure you wanna be snatching at nobody's [BLEEP.]
like that.
They're like, no, it's Snapchat.
It's a app.
I don't know if y'all know this, but on Snapchat, you can take a picture of your [BLEEP.]
, okay, ladies? You can take a picture of your [BLEEP.]
and you can put it on the internet, all right? And it'll melt away like a snowflake in about three days.
So if ever you're bored, Snapchat's [BLEEP.]
out there.
It no big deal to us.
Snapchat's [BLEEP.]
.
AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
And the girls getting in on it too.
They ain't messin' around.
The girls' raps just as aggressive.
I'm riding around in the car with my little 12-year old daughter.
We in the car.
This song on.
She's singing her little heart out.
I hear this lyric and it just throw me off.
This girl all on the record.
And you gotta eat the booty like groceries I'm like, oh! Okay, where is Yolanda Adams when you need her? "You gotta eat the booty like groceries?" Come on.
And don't get me wrong, y'all.
I'm over 40, so I'm willing to participate.
That ain't what I'm talking about.
That ain't what I'm saying.
I'm talking about I need to know how much groceries we talking about.
This is more where my concern is, you know? We talking 10 items or less, you know? AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER.]
Or is it Costco's? Is it gonna be a Costco's day? - Great show, man.
- I had a lot of fun, man.
The after-party gonna be lit! We got the legs too.
You know, it's a little tough No, no.
It's good.
Hey, you guys, I just heard from Kareem.
- Is he pissed? - I'd say he's more hurt.
- Hurt tall guy? - Yeah.
Um, he's out back in the limo if you wanna go make things right.
You know, I mean, you know what? We'll go talk to him, get him to come to the after-party.
Maybe he'll love that.
The afterparty tonight.
Kareem is chill.
He's a chill dude.
He'll understand this.
I'm sure he'll understand.
Yeah, what if he doesn't? - CEDRIC: Yeah.
- We blame White Terry.
Ah.
Ah ha! There you go! We hired him for that, right? Blame White Terry! That sounds fine to me.
As long as it's not me.
CEDRIC: Why even have a white guy around that you can't blame shit on? Where is he? I thought he was right out here, man.
I think he's supposed to be out there.
- Is that him? - GEORGE: I think so.
Whoa, whoa, wait, hey.
Be careful, man.
Don't just walk up on anybody.
[KNOCKS ON WINDOW.]
[WINDOW WHIRRING.]
Kareem! Hey, man, we've been looking everywhere for you.
Should've checked the nosebleeds.
That was a huge mistake.
See, we thought you stuck us with the dinner bill, and we just wanted a little payback.
- We was just playing, bro.
- We apologize.
Look, it's fine.
I can take a joke.
It's all good.
I figured it would be, man.
If this is all good, man, why don't you come on back in with us, man? Party's going on.
It's great.
Wolfgang threw down.
Food's delicious, good music.
Come on back in and celebrate with us, brother.
It's gonna be the best party of the tour.
Actually, the party just ended for you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna drive down the street named after me.
Good bye, mother [BLEEP.]
.
Angry Giraffe Street.
DL: The party's over for us.
EDDIE: That was some cryptic shit right there.
[BLEEP.]
that.
That's what I'm saying.
Sorry, guys.
I can't let you in.
No, we're the performers.
Comedy Get Down? That's our stuff right there.
Uh, Eddie Griffin, Cedric the Entertainer, DL Hughley, Charlie Murphy, George Lopez.
Oh I know who you are.
We've been instructed not to let you back in the building.
I suppose this has something to do with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
It's his house.
I'm just following orders.
Ain't this a bitch? - Lock it up! - Shit! Hey, LeBron, let me talk to you for a minute.
My man! My momma's in there! Are you serious right now? Call Nina, man.
I didn't bring my phone with me.
Yeah, my phone is in the car.
GEORGE: Aw, man, I don't have any bars.
Talk about bad luck.
Aw, man.
Man.
- You guys hungry? - I could eat.
What up, babe? How are you doing? George, you're paying, right? - Why do I gotta pay? - You gotta pay, George.
You know the rules.
You do the voices.
You're the richest guy here.
All right.
[SPEAKS SPANISH.]
Ah, they got the ice Kareem.
That's punny.
Y'all, I'll take a beer and get this, then.
You wanna do beer? Let's break out, man.
- All right, thank you.
- Thank you.
Yeah, that's good right there.
Hey, guys, for real? It's been a great tour.
To good friendship, good times.
- To The Comedy -Get Down! [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah.
Anybody got a bottle opener? Hey, we need a bottle opener! How do you say "opener" in Spanish? GEORGE: Abrebotellas! EDDIE: [UNINTELLIGIBLE.]
CEDRIC: Aw, shit.
This has been a bad night.