The Conners (2018) s01e03 Episode Script

1 Hey, this is a good box.
We got a bloody foot on a hook and a dissected alien and some tax returns.
Oooooh! The IRS believes we have a home office.
- Oooooh! - Oooooh! Oh, my God! You guys are not gonna believe it! I passed my driving test! Apparently, it's "pass everyone" day.
Come on.
I'm not that bad a driver.
I let you drive home, and you made a garbage truck swerve.
You don't see something that big up on two wheels every day.
It's like he was stopping at every house.
[SOFTLY.]
That's what they do! And then, to finish up, you dragged a traffic cone most of the way home.
Luckily, that kid's skateboard broke it loose.
I need a drink.
Becky, where do you keep the hard stuff? In Becky.
So, can I use Grandma's old car now? Yeah.
But not to drive.
You can sit in it and play the radio and go, "Vroom, vroom!" Your imagination is a road to anywhere.
[IMITATES ENGINE REVVING.]
Well, I really do need the job.
And, boy, do I love housecleaning.
It's topless? Well, that explains the $40 an hour.
$40 an hour? Do they take men? 'Cause I'll show off the girls for that.
Um, I'm gonna have to pass.
But I will give your number to my sister.
Thank you.
All right, so, since I've got you guys here together, I want to show you my costume.
Disemboweled cheerleader.
Ohhh! Look at you, all gory and sexy.
Uh, I'm bringing a friend to the party, and it looks like it's starting to be a thing, so I wanted to show off a little leg, a little intestine.
[LAUGHS.]
Who's the lucky guy? His name's Peter.
BOTH: [HIGH-PITCHED.]
Oh! Peter! I want your opinion.
I do not want you teasing him.
This family has a history of chasing off all the unstable men that I bring into my life, but Peter's different.
BOTH: [HIGH-PITCHED.]
Oh! Peter! He's different! I'm serious no teasing.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Don't worry.
We'll be good.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Yeah, you haven't dated anyone in, like, forever.
We're not gonna mess with whatever straggling animal you've picked off the back of the herd.
"The Conners" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
All right, everybody! Get in here! We got to get this photo in by 9:00.
[FRENCH ACCENT.]
Napoleon Blown-Apart is 'ere [BECKY LAUGHS.]
at your service.
So, what do we get if we win this Instagram thing? The scariest family gets a case of beer and a 6-foot everything sub sandwich from Jack's Liquor & Deli.
Ooh! La bibliothèque! Becky, um not sure what's going on here, but I love it! Sharknade O'Conner.
I nee I need more than that.
Sinéad O'Connor and "Sharknado.
" Ohhhh! Well, the important thing is you had fun.
[LAUGHS.]
Scary J.
Blige, you're in the front.
Show your fangs, sweetheart.
I dropped them on the floor.
Give me your fangs, sweetheart.
Big game hunter, you're behind the couch.
Lizzie Boredom sitting on the arm of the couch, staring at your phone.
Really sell the boredom now.
All right.
Why don't you tell me about your day? Why aren't you in costume? Oh, I can't.
I got a job interview at McNasty's.
That place where all the waiters are rude to you? You are perfect for that.
MARK: Mom! I just texted a picture of my Fortnite costume to Joey.
He told me that since it's based on a violent video game, they're not gonna let me into the school carnival! Uh, okay, I'm sorry, honey.
I have to run.
I promise you I will take care of this as soon as I get home.
No! This is an emergency! They banned a whole bunch of costumes.
You were supposed to get an e-mail.
A-All right.
Hold on.
Oh.
Damn it.
Here it is.
It was important.
Don't you check your e-mails? I-I missed it.
It was hiding between "Get in Shape Today" and "Your Breakfast May Be Killing You.
" Well, this is stupid.
What kind of costumes are they banning? It says "No costumes that perpetuate negative ethnic stereotypes or are scary, gory, or anything that's saddening.
" Our whole family is saddening.
Does that mean we can't go out anymore? [NORMAL VOICE.]
It's Halloween for God's sake! 24 hours without laws or rules! That's the "Purge" movies, Dad.
Mom, this isn't fair.
All right, well, don't worry.
It's gonna be fine.
We still have two days to come up with new costumes.
None of us want to offend anybody, right? It just has to be something other than a bandito, a geisha, zombie, ninja Who's offended by a ninja costume? I've lived in Lanford my whole life and have yet to run into a ninja.
Oh, they're out there.
And by the time you do see them pfft it's too late.
All right, uh, I got to go.
Where are my damn keys? Look, Mark's your kid, but I know your mom and I would've fought this thing tooth and nail.
Look, I don't want to get into it with these people.
I already owe them money for Mark's field trip to the dairy farm to see how milk is made.
[SCOFFS.]
Chinese kids are building robots.
Our kids are confused about what cows do.
Wow.
Look, if you don't want a problem with the school, that's one thing, but tell your son this is a bunch of P.
C.
crap.
He ought to be able to wear whatever he wants.
At least this way, he'll know he didn't do anything wrong.
I know that you and Mom felt that way, but maybe I don't.
Some stuff does cross the line, and Mark will be completely fine in a different costume.
Now, I hate to be rude, but I have to go someplace and be rude.
So, the food is good, the benefits are great, and you eat free.
But, you see, what makes us different is our servers make fun of our customers.
People come here just to get picked on.
Oh.
Well, that's something I enjoy doing.
- Just ask my kids.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Well, and I see you have serving experience at the casino, and everything looks good, so, uh let's see you insult me.
Oh.
Um okay.
Maybe you should try to order something.
I think I can work with that.
I'll have the tuna melt.
O kay.
Uh, okay.
Uh Ours is mostly dolphin and sea trash.
Don't insult the food.
Insult the customers.
Oh, sorry.
Now, come on.
Let me have it here.
Come on.
I came here to be insulted.
I love it! Uh, this is a little harder than I thought.
I've never had to do it on command.
Yeah, yeah, but, you know, just go with the flow, you know what I mean? If you want, you could take your cues off my appearance or something I'm wearing.
Okay.
Um Bet when you were a kid, you thought you were gonna grow up and be something, but you went and disappointed everyone, didn't you, Gary? You're a little man in a big chair, and you're gonna spend the rest of your life alone.
Look at you! I'm not sure people are gonna enjoy that.
Oh.
Am I missing something? I thought it was pretty rude.
Well, you see, there's rude, and then there's McNasty's fun rude.
You know, everything all in fun.
We're looking for something more like "You call that a hat?" Ohhh! Okay.
I-I get it now.
I get it.
Um, nice hat.
Uh Maybe you should pull it down over your ugly face so people can keep their burgers down.
Huh? Okay.
Okay.
You know what? I-I think that's enough for today.
And, uh, we'll call you.
Thank you.
I really appreciate your time.
I need this job pretty bad, and I know I can do it Butt Face.
It's not gonna happen.
Just go.
And my mother says I'm amazing! When do you start at McNasty's? I didn't get it.
You didn't get a job insulting people? I was overqualified.
All right, I know you're nervous about letting me drive, but think about the benefits.
Like, when one of you guys are drunk, I can come and pick you up no questions asked.
Of course, the next day, we will have a conversation about choices, but Well, if it's okay with your mom, it's okay with me.
Mom, can I drive Grandma's old car? Oh, if it's okay with Grandpa, it's okay with me.
Grandpa? She says "Okay," I'm okay.
But she's just gonna tell me to come back to you.
Yeah.
It's been our experience that kids tire out eventually.
MARK: Mom? I'm in the kitchen.
We got to get going.
The carnival starts in a half an hour.
Are you done with your new costume? Yep.
Presenting one of the great artists of the 20th century I can't believe you made that in two days! Frida Kahlo you look just like that famous painting of her.
Yeah, you got a mustache and one up top there as a backup.
I just really like her style.
She was in that art book Mom stole for me from the library.
It was an art book in Lanford.
Nobody'll even know it's missing.
Hello.
- Happy Halloween.
- Happy Halloween.
- Hey! - Do not fear.
It is not the real Invisible Man.
It is my son, Kazim.
I don't see anybody.
Where is he? I'm right here.
I hear him, but I can't see him.
Can I go inside now? You could already be inside, for all I know.
Thank you for inviting us over for Halloween.
We weren't so thrilled about Halloween because last year, you people vandalized us.
We did that to everybody.
Well, yeah, we talked about not doing your house, but we thought you might feel discriminated against.
Toasted eyeballs drenched in So, Dan, I would like to introduce you to my new friend, Peter.
Hey, man.
Nice to meet you.
Great Two-Face costume.
Oh, good to meet you, too.
But, uh, tonight, I'm actually dressed as the mind/body dualism of Descartes.
I've often ordered des carte.
But, of course, you know, it's more expensive that way.
What? Dan, when you invited me, I dialed up a couple of fun facts about Halloween, so hold on to your bicorn hat.
[CHUCKLES.]
More about that later.
Did you know that Halloween came from the Celtic festival of Samhain? I heard that, but I didn't believe it.
Right? It marked the end of the summer and the beginning of the dark, cold winter, which they associated with death ergo, ghosts and goblins.
I'll be darned.
Well, we got jello with eyeballs in the fridge and beer if you want it.
And Peter has a master's in medieval culture, among other things.
Tell him the best part, honey.
Oh, it gets better, honey? Repeating a word that was said before funny.
But the best part is that the Celts believed that the boundaries between the world of the living and of the dead were blurred on that day, so they wore costumes to fool the demons, thus avoiding being dragged to Hell.
Amazing.
I could listen to this man talk for hours.
And I could let you.
There's got to be kids at the door.
Maybe the bell's on the fritz.
Uh, sorry.
I might be boring you.
I guess you're more of a a football guy.
Yeah, that's me Joe Lunchpail.
I read a book once, but it was a comic book.
I finished 'er, though.
Comic books have a very storied history.
Many of the archetypes come from Anglo-Saxon myth, particularly Beowulf.
I've heard this story, but you know who hasn't? Becky.
[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS, INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Ah.
And what are you? I'm poor, back when poor was funny.
Hey! Look at you! [CHUCKLES.]
Listen, we love having Mark at the school, but he can't come in wearing that.
Why not? Your son dressed as Frida Kahlo could be perceived as offensive.
Didn't you get the e-mail three months ago? Three months?! Listen, I just found out I haven't had a mammogram in five years.
I'm a little behind.
I-I'm sorry, Mr.
Swindell.
What exactly is the problem with his costume? He is dressed as an Hispanic woman.
That falls under cultural appropriation.
No, it's cultural appreciation.
He loves Frida Kahlo.
The guidelines were clear.
He has not experienced what a person of that ethnicity has experienced.
Therefore, he does not have a legitimate entitlement to use or wear any element of their ethnic identity.
Could you just let the grapes go by, please? That's not a comment on migrant workers, is it? All right, go ahead.
Go ahead.
Thanks.
Now, please, I don't want Mark to miss the carnival.
Just lose the costume.
You can come right in.
I worked hard on this costume.
I made it especially for this carnival.
Can't I please come in? Listen, I get what the rule is for.
I really do.
But sometimes the good intention of the rule gets taken a little far, don't you think? Why don't you grow a pair, Mr.
Swine-dell? That's right I came up with that nickname 30 years ago.
And start judging Mark on an individual basis, instead of lumping him into some category on a list.
Okay, we just want to go in there and spend $10 which I do not have on the ring toss so I can win a goldfish that will die in my car! Or we can stand here and continue traumatizing my child, which I know I'm not helping by yelling at you! I know about the nickname, Dark-lene.
But I'm sorry.
Rules are rules.
And by the way, don't you still owe us money for the field trip? Uh, yes, I do, and I will get it to you as soon as I get a second job.
Apparently, I'm not rude in an entertaining way.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go ahead and agree with that.
God.
I'm sorry I yelled at your principal.
I mean, that is not the kind of example I want to set for you.
No.
That's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
From now on, nobody's gonna bully the kid with the psycho mom wearing a barrel.
Well, we stood up for our principles, and we did the right thing, and so we should be proud of that.
Now let's go find some tall grass so I can pee.
Aww! Aren't you a cute princess.
Trick or Treat! Uh-oh.
I see you have a king-size candy bar.
Caught this just in time.
These are full of cooties.
I'll throw that out for you.
And I'll give you two candy corns and a popcorn ball we found on the couch.
Happy Halloween! She's adorable! You should be ashamed of yourself, taking candy from a child and not giving me half.
Here you go.
I think you'll find the shame makes it delicious.
Hey, Grandpa.
- Is this about the car again? - No.
I just wanted to let you know that I've been offered a job at the Dairy Queen.
Good for you.
But how will I get there, you ask.
I don't really care.
Well, since you brought up the car, let's talk about it.
I can pay for insurance and gas.
And I just have to say, you have the hair of a man half your age.
All right, stop.
Here's the deal.
You're gonna drive me to work for a month, with me screaming in your face every day.
When I'm sure you're not gonna hurt anyone, you can use the car.
Yes! Thank you! I will do my best not to kill you.
Why are you being so hard on her? I don't want her wrecking the car.
Why are you worried? Just put her on your insurance.
I'm on there.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHING.]
Yeah, sure you are.
- Well? - "Well" what? Come on.
Come on.
What do you think about Peter? - He's nice.
- Nice? That's it? Before, I had my sister around to vet my boyfriends and tell me if I was making a huge mistake.
Can you do a little of that just be honest? Well, he does seem to know a lot, and he's not shy about sharing it.
Okay.
That's fair.
What else? Uh, well, he he's the kind of guy that even though you haven't spent much time with him, it feels like you've spent a lot of time with him.
[LAUGHING.]
Sure.
Sure.
That's it, though? Th-That's all you got? I just want you to be honest.
Really dig deep, really find some flaws.
Roseanne would tell me how she felt, and I'd blow up at her for meddling, but I'd hear it.
I get it.
Um, all right.
Uh, I'm new at this, but here it goes.
Uh, I-I think I might hate him, but I really need more time.
See? That's a different perspective.
Thank you.
It is a little weird that Peter doesn't have a job at 48 years old.
[LAUGHS.]
I knew you'd try and destroy this.
I don't know why I bother talking to anybody in this family.
And by the way, do you know how hard it is to find a single guy in his 40s with a job?! He's a damn unicorn! That's what he is! Hey, Grandpa.
Hey.
How was the carnival? We didn't go.
Mark and I wandered around the creepy cemetery behind the old Lanford church.
We found all these tombstones with Hortenses and Ebenezers and Obediahs.
How come they only lived 'til they were 40? Well, when people are constantly making fun of your name, it's just too painful to go on.
So, why'd you skip the carnival? They said I couldn't be Frida Kahlo because I'm not Mexican.
And? Mom went crazy on the principal.
- You really went after him, huh? - I did.
Way to go, Dark-lene.
Look, you were still mostly wrong, but this guy was mostly wrong, too.
So what have we learned? Men are wrong.
Um, Mom, I'm a man.
Yes, you are, son.
Welcome to Wrong Island.
Anyway, way to go, kicking the snot out of that principal.
Well, he's a beaten old man, and he's wildly underpaid, so, yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself.
Slow down.
School zone.
I see it.
- Aah! - [BOTH SCREAM, TIRES SCREECH.]
Mary? Mary.
Good prank, but the wrong time.
Oh.
Sorry.
[ENGINE REVS.]
- Aah! - [BOTH SCREAM, TIRES SCREECH.]
Mary, Mary, not a different time.
I mean when somebody's not driving.
Mailbox! Mailbox!! [TIRES SCREECH.]