The Conners (2018) s03e03 Episode Script

1 This is so much better than waiting tables.
You don't have to concentrate.
Your mind can wander anywhere.
I just got back from Hawaii.
I just got back from hell.
Oh, wait, I'm still here.
Oh, check it out.
It's so cool that people pass things to each other along the line.
Yeah, especially during a pandemic.
It's like a lazy river of disease.
Oh, it's a birthday card for Nicole.
She's 68.
[Laughs.]
That is so Nicole.
Who the hell is Nicole? And how do you know these people? We've been here like three days.
I'm getting to know these people because I eat lunch with them and I don't sit in my car alone blasting NPR like "Fresh Air" is gangsta rap.
I'm sorry if I need a little mental stimulation.
I can't shut my mind off, like everybody else here can.
That is so you.
You assume these people are stupid, when you won't even bother to get to know them.
Uh, Nicole's card has a mountain lion dressed in a business suit, and it says, "You can't fool us.
You're still a cougar.
" I think I know all I need to know about Nicole.
Here.
Stuff your bitter hole with this.
It's probably sugar-free because of Nicole's diabetes.
Ooh, diabetic cougar cake from a stranger? Hard pass.
3x03 Plastics, Trash Talk & Darlene Antoinette Okay, that's an E7.
[Chord plays.]
It hurts to press the strings.
It'll hurt till you build up your calluses.
It's, uh, unpleasant, but if you stick with it, it gets better, like whiskey or sex.
So, uh, why'd you get the itch to play again? Eh, there's this guy I'm dating online.
Just want to work out some feelings.
Yeah.
Relationships during COVID can be pretty tough.
I mean, I like being here with your grandpa, but when I mentioned that I'd go home at some point, he got a little butt-hurt.
At least he wants to be with you.
I don't think my guy will ever commit to me.
[Chord plays softly.]
You know, until he gets a divorce.
Trust me, they never get divorced.
And if they do, they're not as hot anymore.
[Chuckles.]
You didn't even flinch when I told you I was dating a married guy.
Well, you're 18.
You're old enough to make your own choices that will cripple you for the rest of your life.
- [Chuckles.]
- Here, give it to me.
I'll I'll show you the chords.
[Grunts.]
Okay.
[Strumming rhythmically.]
Hey.
[Chuckles.]
Oh, is there a cover charge? 'Cause I really just came in to use the bathroom.
[Laughs.]
We're just, uh, - working on a blues progression.
- [Harmonica plays.]
I'll be with you in a sec.
Oh.
Chuck called.
And he can't make that poker game tomorrow night.
Damn it! [Blues riff plays.]
I'm sick of this here COVID.
[Blues riff plays.]
I got nowhere to go.
[Blues riff plays.]
My friends don't play poker And I can't take their dough [Blues riff plays.]
You wanna talk about it? [Harmonica honking.]
Uh supposed to play poker tomorrow night you know, the first time since all this happened.
[Sighs.]
Everybody canceled.
They've all got "underlying conditions," and they're afraid to die.
Well, if you're missing poker that bad, we have enough people in the house to put a game together.
When you say "people in the house," does that mean you're planning on staying here tonight? Yes, Dan.
I'll be here.
And I told you I'll give you plenty of notice before I go home.
Just asking.
So, what about the game? I don't know.
Half the fun of poker is trash-talking each other.
If I tell you you don't have any balls, it's just true.
You could say, "What line were you in when they were passing out the ovaries?" All right! If I can make fun of lady parts, I guess that'd be okay.
I don't know all the names.
Oh, what's that thing that looks like antlers? Fallopian tubes [Guitar strums rhythmically.]
Hey, Beck.
I picked you up some of those teething biscuits Beverly Rose likes.
Oh, thank God.
She's got two teeth now, so she's chomping on everything.
The other day, she almost took off a nipple.
I guess that's why God gave us two.
Well, how are things at The Lunch Box? Is business picking up at all? I've been doing a lot of deliveries.
People are too scared to come in.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, since I've been working for Instacart, I've been picking up stuff for a few restaurants.
You know, they don't want to buy in bulk 'cause they're waiting for their customers to be able to taste and smell again.
Yeah.
I get it.
I'm My place is just barely hanging on.
Well, you know The Lanford Lotus? They're in real trouble.
Oh, really? 'Cause that's the last Thai restaurant in town.
Mm-hmm, and if they go out, there's no place left for the white people to get their pad Thai.
Oh, well, [Chuckles.]
the menu's like a jungle to them.
They're afraid if they get too far in, they'll never find their way back from pad see yew.
[Both laugh.]
[Indistinct talking on TV.]
[Sighs.]
Was your soul-sucking job - as sucky as mine today? - [Chuckles.]
Anyone brutalize you for picking unripe bananas? [Chuckling.]
Hey.
Hey.
I'm not one of those lazy shoppers who just grabs a bunch, okay? I go banana by banana, and then I re-tape them at the top.
You used to be so interesting.
[Laughs.]
Eh, I was just faking it till I could get my hands on all of this.
You know [Clears throat.]
if you just tried to get to know the people, it might not be such a miserable job.
Uh, yeah, Becky said the same thing, and I tried it.
When I was punching out, there was a woman hovering nearby, so I said, "Nice top.
" Then she told me where she got it, how it was mismarked, and then how she made the cashier honor the mismarked tag.
And I started to feel like that guy on the news that hacked his arm off just to get away from that boulder.
[Chuckles.]
Come on! You You just got to make the best of it.
I mean, how painful is it to just be friendly? Boy, you don't know me at all.
WOMAN: When are they gonna be done paving so we can use the parking lot again? Yeah.
Little Miss NPR has no place to eat her lunch.
[Both laugh.]
Oh, my God.
Look at that! It's perfect! - I know.
Looks just like her, right? - Oh, totally.
[Laughs.]
It's kinda nice that Louise has been riding out this pandemic with you.
Oh, it's been amazing.
But she's already making noises about wanting to go back to her place.
I thought for sure she'd want to stay here.
Has anybody that's lived here ever wanted to stay? They all come back.
But they have to be impoverished, with absolutely no options.
[Door closes.]
It's about time! I'll see your 50 and raise you a buck.
You're going down, old man.
Look me in the eyes, Becky.
Why? So you can read my mind? No.
So that you can see the hurt when you take the last couple dollars your frail, hobbling father needs for heart medicine.
Get ready to have a heart attack, Pops.
I'll call the ambulance.
Damn, you're cold.
I still think you're lying.
Raise it a buck.
So it's to me? Look me in the eyes, DJ.
I don't want to kill Dad.
I'm out.
Would anyone like a stylish face mask? Only $3.
Hey! Did you make this one out of my Led Zeppelin T-shirt? It's a very soft, breathable fabric.
I would have used your underwear, but they had holes in them.
Uh, yeah, I-I think I'll take one.
You know, Louise, uh, if you stay in our bubble, you won't even need a mask.
[Sighs, chuckles.]
You know, DJ, I am happy to have been quaran-teaming with you guys, but I'm an independent person, and, uh, I like to be somewhere where the dead skin on the loofah and those weird hairs on the soap are mine.
You're an hour late.
Deal her in.
Yeah, I was busy making you all something that I want to test out at The Lunch Box.
- What is it? - Pad Thai.
Thinking about doing a special, two for $4.
People can get perfectly good Thai food from The Lanford Lotus.
Why would we serve it? Don't need a reason.
Last time I checked, this is America, the great melting pot, Becky! Raise it a buck.
Mnh-mnh.
All right.
I'll see you that buck and raise it 15 bucks.
- Whoa.
- Whoo! You can tell the players without kids just by the raises.
I'm out.
Yeah, think I better fold.
What line were you in when they were passing out the ovaries? Thought you were the badass in the family.
Might be bluffing.
Okay.
I'll see you.
Full boat.
Kings over twos.
That was kind of psycho.
Can I have my 20 back? No way! You want to be treated like a grown-up, you gotta take it in the shorts like a grown-up.
Are you kidding me? I worked hard for that money.
We all work hard for the money, Donna Summer.
Next time you'll be more careful.
So, what? You're teaching me a lesson? I don't need that from you.
You're not even family.
If she wants to leave, the sooner the better.
Ooh.
Wow.
That was fantastic.
Now we should go down to the 7-Eleven, and you can hit that penny tray they have for the children's hospital.
Look, I-I wasn't trying to be mean.
I was just playing the game.
I'm gonna go talk to her.
That'll only make it worse.
It'll blow over on its own.
Well, we were getting along so great! This is your first fight with a teenager.
It's kind of like stepping on a cobra and then trying to give it a hug to say you're sorry.
I guess.
What do you think, Jackie? I think if we're taking the kids' money, let's get Mary back in here.
She's got $11 in that fake dog food can in her closet.
I was a little short last week.
I replaced it.
[Door opens.]
You've been out here a long time.
You want a sweater or something? No, thanks.
Did you have a crappy day, too? Wasn't my best.
Why? What happened to you? Online school is so frustrating.
There's glitches, and kids' computers aren't working, and their parents are trying to fix them.
One mom had a breakdown.
She was drunk, screaming out, "Algebra is useless!" See, when it comes to your education, aren't you glad I'm totally checked out? What happened to you? Someone at work put up a cartoon of me dressed as Marie Antoinette because I didn't eat a piece of birthday cake.
They think I'm acting like I'm above them, which is impossible, because I barely even speak to them.
What? Do you think I come off as a snob? It's possible that some people could interpret you that way.
Really? Why don't you speak to them? Well, because we have nothing in common.
Because? Because they've lived different lives than I have.
And their lives are? Different.
I said different.
A-All right, fine.
I come off as a classist snob.
I will have lunch with them tomorrow.
Good luck.
And remember, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.
See, this is why you get bullied, Mark.
Hi.
I'm Darlene, Becky's sister.
Well, now I can't hide that anymore.
So, you're not eating lunch in the bathroom? Was stall number two reserved for another diner? [Laughter.]
I look really weird when I eat, so I don't like people watching me.
And bonus, there's a roll of napkins right there next to you.
Okay if I sit with you? It's a free country.
Uh, guess you guys know that I saw this.
Oh.
That was the intent when I drew it.
[Laughter.]
Look, if I gave the impression that I think that I'm better than you guys, I don't.
I mean, our mom worked here.
I know.
I worked with your mom.
She was friendly to everybody.
Let's assume we're talking about the same person.
Go on.
Yeah, she was a badass.
But at least she didn't walk around here like a prissy little bitch.
Look, I know that I come off as aloof.
It's just, you know, this isn't exactly my dream job.
Well, it wasn't your mom's, either, but she never acted like it was beneath her.
Yeah.
If she saw you hiding in a bathroom, turning your nose up on a perfectly good birthday cake, she'd be ashamed of you! Hey, she wouldn't be ashamed of me.
She might have given me crap for being disrespectful to cake, but she always told me that she wanted me to have a better life.
My mom worked the line so that I wouldn't have to.
But she worked here to put food on your table.
You don't like the job? Turn around and quit.
There's lines of people outside waiting to take your place.
[Chuckling.]
Okay, you know what? I-I don't need a lecture from you.
You don't know anything about me.
I gave up something I love to take this job.
I don't have to pretend that I like it, too.
And you know what? I'm keeping this.
Even though it's hateful and mean-spirited, I like it because you gave me boobs.
You know, drinking alone is a sign of a serious problem.
If I have one with you, that means you're perfectly fine.
This thing with Harris is really bothering me.
[Sighs.]
And I'm telling you she'll get over it.
I wouldn't take it too seriously.
I have to.
If I want to have a relationship with your kids and your grandkids for the rest of my life, I want it to be a good one.
Wow.
What? You said "the rest of your life.
" Is that a problem? After you said you wanted to keep your apartment, I didn't think "the rest of your life" was an option.
How can you be so stupid and still survive? Kind words from the people I love.
Look, in case you haven't noticed, I'm a lot.
And sometimes I want to do things the way I want to do them without worrying about anyone else.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm old-school, but I-I figure if you want to be with someone, you want to be with them all the time.
Look, me wanting to keep my own place isn't about leaving you.
It's about me telling you what I need so I never have to leave you.
Never? Give me some space, woman.
You're suffocating me.
[Laughs.]
Hey.
How'd it go at work? Uh, perfect.
I apologized for being distant, they tore me a new one, and I had my lunch in the bathroom again.
I'm sorry.
Maybe you should find a job where you're alone, like a toll booth operator, or maybe there's a lighthouse around here somewhere.
Was school any better today? Not really, but it doesn't matter.
I've decided that school's not everything.
I'm gonna learn from life.
I'm thinking of taking a gap year.
Yeah, you can't do that in middle school.
What's up? Okay.
You know those kids I was telling you about who were having trouble with their computers? That's mostly me.
My computer is so old, it keeps freezing up, and I'm missing half of what's going on.
Okay, well, we'll get you a new computer.
But I don't want to make you stay at that place.
You hate that job.
Well, you know what? Um, I hate that job a whole lot less knowing I can get you a computer.
This is the first time in a long time that you kids have asked me for something and I didn't have to say no.
Really? I can get one? Yeah.
Go crazy.
But if you recognize the brand name, it's too expensive.
Oh.
You know who has good ones? Rite Aid.
How about another lesson? I can't afford another lesson.
I was mugged.
I treated you like an adult.
I thought that's what you wanted.
When I was your age, I couldn't wait to be an adult, even if I had to take my lumps once in a while.
Yeah, well, you didn't turn 18 during a pandemic.
What's my future going to be like? There's no jobs.
Everything's on fire.
People are getting shot in the streets.
Okay.
You're screwed.
Thank you.
[Sighs.]
Look, I never had kids.
I didn't realize it was bad to steal from them.
Just thinking about what your generation's going through stresses me out, and I want to smoke a joint.
Well, hey, don't stop treating me like an adult now.
Share.
Oh.
All right.
I'll give you a choice.
Kid or adult? You want to take back this 20 bucks or have a half a joint? Take the 20 so I can buy a joint that I don't have to share.
Mama didn't raise no fool.
Uh, I thought I should pay you for that drawing, so I hope you'll accept a birthday cupcake.
Is it sugar? Because that will kill me.
No, but I thought about it.
[Chuckles.]
Happy birthday.
Sorry about yesterday.
Um, you were right.
I was being a condescending little jerk.
I believe she said "prissy little bitch.
" Yeah.
Uh, I got home, you know, and my kid needed something, and I realized that with this job, I'm lucky enough to be able to get it for him.
That's way more important than being a writer.
I have to tell you something.
I remember when you were born.
Your mother told me that you were gonna be special.
What did she say about me? You want me to make something up? Well, clearly, my mom was wrong about me.
No.
That's up to you.
If you want to do something creative, go home and do it after you pay your bills every night, like I do.
You don't stop being an artist just because it's not your job anymore.
That is so true.
It's the same thing with drinking.
I'm still an alcoholic, but it's just not my job anymore.
But just so you know, I was really good at it.
Your mother did tell me you liked the bottle.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
When Wellman closed, it broke my heart, and when it reopened, I could see Gabriel waiting for me at the gates.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Having a job these days is a little like heaven, isn't it? No, Gabriel my son.
He got a job here, too.
Gabriel! Say hello.
Hello.
I just figured it out.
You're trying to put The Lanford Lotus out of business, aren't you? [Gasps.]
That is not true, and anybody who says it is is a damn liar! Well, the Korean nuns who run the Asian food market told me that they have video of an insane woman with gray roots on a bicycle buying up all the Thai stuff.
Look, this is a business, and once I'm done with the Lotus, I'm thinking about doing a one-buck schnitzel to take out Einen Biergarten!