The Fall Guy (1981) s01e04 Episode Script

That's Right, We're Bad

WELL, I'M NOT THE KIND TO KISS AND TELL BUT I'VE BEEN SEEN WITH FARRAH I'VE NEVER BEEN WITH ANYTHING LESS THAN A NINE SO FINE I'VE BEEN ON FIRE WITH SALLY FIELD GONE FAS WITH A GIRL NAMED BO BUT SOMEHOW THEY JUS DON'T END UP AS MINE IT'S A DEATH-DEFYIN' LIFE I LEAD I TAKE MY CHANCES I DIE FOR A LIVIN' IN THE MOVIES AND TV [ Siren Wailing ] BUT THE HARDEST THING I EVER DO IS WATCH MY LEADING LADIES KISS SOME OTHER GUY WHILE I'M BANDAGIN' MY KNEE I MIGHT FALL FROM A TALL BUILDIN' I MIGHT ROLL A BRAND-NEW CAR 'CAUSE I'M THE UNKNOWN STUNTMAN THAT MADE REDFORD SUCH A STAR [ Women Vocalizing ] I'VE NEVER SPEN MUCH TIME IN SCHOOL BUT I'VE TAUGH LADIES PLENTY IT'S TRUE I HIRE MY BODY OUT FOR PAY HEY, HEY I'VE GOTTEN BURNED OVER CHERYL TIEGS BLOWN UP FOR RAQUEL WELCH BUT WHEN I WIND UP IN THE HAY, IT'S ONLY HAY HEY, HEY I MIGHT JUMP AN OPEN DRAWBRIDGE OR TARZAN FROM A VINE 'CAUSE I'M THE UNKNOWN STUNTMAN THAT MAKES EASTWOOD LOOK SO FINE [ Colt Narrating ] THIS IS THE STORY OF ONE OF AMERICA'S GREAT UNSUNG HEROES.
I MEAN, YOU'VE SEEN HIM, BUT YOU NEVER KNEW WHO HE WAS.
YOU'VE CHEERED FOR HIM AND CRIED FOR HIM, WOMEN HAVE WANTED TO DIE FOR HIM.
BUT DID HE EVER GET ANY CREDIT? OR THE GIRL? NO.
HE WAS WHAT WE CALL A STUNTMAN.
AND THE REASON I'M TALKIN' SO FONDLY ABOUT HIM IS-- WELL, BECAUSE IT'S ME, COLT SEAVERS.
ANYWAY, PICTURE WORK ISN'T WALL-TO-WALL EMPLOYMENT.
SO MAYBE YOU WONDER HOW A GUY KEEPS HIS HEAD TOGETHER.
WELL, ONE WAY IS TO WAIT BY THE PHONE AND WAIT AND WAIT.
THE OTHER IS TO TAKE AN OCCASIONAL JOB FOR THE COURT SYSTEM OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, WHERE A MAN IS CONSIDERED INNOCEN UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY.
UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES A LO OF THESE PEOPLE GET OUT OF JAIL ON WHAT WE CALL BAIL.
AND THEY RUN LIKE HELL.
THAT'S WHERE I COME IN.
I SOMETIMES PICK UP RENT MONEY TRYIN' TO FIND THEM AND BRING THEM BACK TO JUSTICE.
BUT TODAY I'M DOING WHAT I REALLY LIKE TO DO-- GETTING YANKED OFF A MOTORCYCLE AT 60 MILES PER HOUR.
HAS COLT EVER DONE ANYTHING THAT'S SAFE? [ Man ] HOW DANGEROUS IS THIS STUNT, COLT? OH, NOT BAD, AS LONG AS THE CABLE HOLDS TIGHT.
[ Man ] AND IF IT DOESN'T? WELL, THEN MY HEAD'S GONNA BOUNCE OFF THE PAVEMEN LIKE A BASKETBALL.
OKAY, I THINK WE'RE READY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, LET'S SHOOT IT, HUH? [ Man ] OKAY.
ACTION! [ Tires Squealing ] [ Man ] CUT IT! THAT'S A PRINT! YEAH! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? NOT BAD, COLT.
NOT BAD AT ALL.
THE JERK WAS A LITTLE BI SOFT, BUT NOTHING THAT CAN' BE HANDLED BY AN OPTICAL.
OPTICAL? WELL, A SMALL OPTICAL, REALLY.
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
ONCE THIS IS SOLD AS A FEATURE TO TELEVISION, THE AUDIENCE WILL NEVER NOTICE THE FLAWS.
FLAWS? THE SMALL SCREEN.
DETAILS DON'T SHOW UP.
HEY, EVEN THE BEST STUNTS HAVE KINKS.
YEAH, NECKS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO GET KINKS.
BOY, YOU GIVE A STAR A LITTLE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM AND HE-- FIRST OF ALL, I'M NOT A STAR, I'M A STUNTMAN.
STARS GET A LOT OF MONEY.
WE GET A LOT OF PAIN, WHICH I AM GOING TO TAKE CARE OF WITH A NICE WARM BATH.
[ Phone Rings ] [ Colt ] GET THAT, WILL YOU, KID? TELL THEM I'M UNAVAILABLE.
I'VE GOT AN ACTING PART IN A SOAP.
DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO HIM, HOWIE! THAT CALL IS CRITICAL! JACK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOM? I'VE GOT FOUR BROTHERS, COLT.
ALL BIGGER THAN YOU.
THAT'S ASSUMING A LOT.
AND STAY IN THERE! KID, YOU LET HER COME BACK OUT HERE AND YOU'RE FIRED! DON'T BE SELFISH, COLT.
COME ON, WE NEED YOU.
JODY.
[ Baby Crying ] [ Crying Continues ] HEY.
WHO THE-- WHAT IS THIS? I'VE MADE MOVIES THAT DID LESS BUSINESS.
NO.
NO, DANNY, WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M PLEADING WITH YOU.
TRUST ME.
DON'T RUN.
YOU'LL GET KILLED.
NO.
I'M SURE-- WAIT A MINUTE.
DANNY, PLEASE, COME HOME.
DON'T DO THIS FOOLISH THING.
MARIE, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE.
IF I GO TO JAIL, I'M A DEAD MAN.
OH, NO.
DANNY, GIVE ME ONE LAST CHANCE.
YOU KNOW THAT MAN I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT LIVES AT THIS NUMBER? HE CAN FIND A WAY TO HELP YOU.
HELP WHO? WHAT IS THIS? - DANNY, NO! - CAN'T A MAN TAKE A BATH IN PEACE? DANNY! IT'S NO USE.
HE'S NOT COMING IN.
HE'S PANICKED.
WHO'S PANICKED? HE'LL KILL DANNY IF THEY SEND HIM TO JAIL.
- IT'S BECAUSE OF ANIMAL.
- WHO'S ANIMAL? [ Howie ] HE'S IN JAIL FOR ASSAULT.
WELL, HOW CAN THEY SEND HIM TO JAIL IF HE'S ALREADY IN JAIL? NO, NO, NO.
THEY'RE NO SENDING HIM.
THEY'RE SENDING DANNY, MARIE'S HUSBAND, FOR AN ARMORED CAR ROBBERY COMMITTED BY ANIMAL AND ANOTHER MAN.
DANNY TESTIFIED AGAINST ANIMAL.
SO IF HE WINDS UP IN JAIL WITH HIM, HE'S AS GOOD AS DEAD.
NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND? NO.
I'M GOING BACK TO THE BATH.
THEY SAID YOU'D HELP.
IF NOT FOR ME AND DANNY, [ Baby Crying ] THEN FOR OUR BABY.
[ Crying Continues ] I SUPPOSE THE BABY'S GOING TO JAIL TOO? COLT, LET ME EXPLAIN.
YOU SEE, DANNY GARDNER USED TO RUN WITH A PRETTY BAD CROWD.
BUT HE'S SETTLED DOWN, AND HE HAD NO PAR IN THIS ROBBERY, BUT HE WAS SENTENCED TO FIVE YEARS.
WELL, I BAILED HIM OUT PENDING HIS APPEAL, BUT WHEN IT WEN AGAINST HIM, HE RAN.
AND I'M NOT SURE I BLAME HIM.
YOU WANT ME TO BRING HIM BACK? YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
SHE DOESN'T WANT ME TO BRING HIM BACK.
WELL, WE HAVE ANOTHER IDEA.
WE THINK ANIMAL'S PARTNER IS A MAN CALLED RED EYE.
WE KNOW WHERE HE IS, AND ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET ANIMAL TO LINK HIM AND THE MONEY AND DANNY WILL BE CLEARED.
JACK, THAT'S AN AWFUL BIG ORDER.
HOW DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO FILL THAT? COLT, WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN? UH-HUH.
RIGHT HERE.
[ Howie ] SHE'S GOT A PLAN.
AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.
[ Cooing ] OH.
[ Howie ] YOU'RE GOING INTO THE PRISON AS A PRISONER TO GET NEXT TO ANIMAL? [ Colt ] THAT'S THE PLAN.
BIG JACK IS MAKING ALL THE ARRANGEMENTS.
YOU KNOW, COLT, THAT COULD BE VERY DANGEROUS.
THAT'S WHY I'M TAKING YOU IN THERE WITH ME.
[ Man ] WELL, I HOPE THIS COLT SEAVERS KNOWS WHAT HE'S GETTING INTO.
HE'S DEALT WITH CRIMINALS FOR A LONG TIME.
I COULDN'T LET ANYBODY ELSE HERE KNOW HE WASN'T A REAL CON.
TOO MANY LEAKS IN PRISON.
THAT'S GOING TO REQUIRE A TIGHT COVER.
I'VE SPREAD WORD HE WAS A COP KILLER.
A COP KILLER? THAT'S GOING TO TURN THE GUARDS AGAINST HIM.
WE HAVE 75 GUARDS AND 3,000 INMATES.
WHAT SIDE DO YOU WANT HIM ON? WELL, IF YOU PUT IT THAT WAY, JIM, I GUESS I HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU.
LET'S JUST HOPE IT DOESN'T TAKE COLT TOO LONG TO GET CLOSE TO THIS GUY CALLED ANIMAL.
IT'S A NICE DAY.
IT'S TOO HOT.
MUCH TOO HOT THOUGH.
I DON'T LIKE YOU.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
NO, YOU CAN'T.
'CAUSE I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU.
[ Chattering ] HEY! - WHO PUSHED ME? - I DID.
WHAT, ARE YOU PROTECTIN' YOUR BUDDY? NOPE.
JUST PROTECTING YOU.
ME? THAT GUY YOU JUST PUSHED IS CRAZY.
HE'LL DO ANYTHING.
[ Colt ] THAT GUY, HE'S TOUCHED IN THE HEAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID THAT GOT HIM THROWN IN HERE? NO.
WHAT? [ Whispering, Indistinct ] HE DID THAT? WELL, KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BUT THANKS.
DON'T THANK ME TILL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOU DID.
CRANDALL, LIKE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.
YEAH? EVER HEAR OF JAKE WILSON? - THE ANIMAL.
- YEAH, THAT'S THE GUY.
HIM AND ME ARE OLD FRIENDS.
I HEARD HE WAS HERE.
YEAH, HE'S HERE.
-YEAH, WELL, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.
-YOU'LL FIND OUT AFTER YOU'VE BEEN IN THIS JOINT FOR A WHILE.
IF YOU DON'T SEE THEM ON THE WORK DETAIL, THEY'RE IN THE HOLE.
SOLITARY CONFINEMENT? YEAH.
YOU HEARD ME.
HOW LONG ARE THEY GONNA KEEP HIM IN THERE? HE'S BAD, MAN.
I HOPE THEY KEEP HIM IN THERE FOR HIS DURATION.
NO CONVERSATION.
[ Gun Cocks ] - YOU ENJOY THAT? - COP KILLER.
DID YOU FIND ANYTHING OUT, COLT? FOR SOME CRAZY REASON, NONE OF THESE GUYS WILL TALK TO ME.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU IN THE MESS HALL.
WHAT? WE'VE GOT A DINNER DATE.
WEAR YOUR DANCIN' SHOES, KID.
YOU AND ME HAVE TO STAGE AN OLD-FASHIONED STUNTMAN'S BRAWL.
HOWDY, SLOB.
COOL IT! COOL IT! THE GUY'S A NUT.
TAKE IT EASY.
HE'S A PSYCHO.
HOWIE, YOUR FIGHT IS WITH ME.
TRUST ME, COLT.
NOW YOU'VE DONE IT! NOW YOU'VE DONE IT.
NO, HE'S MINE.
[ Man ] BREAK IT UP! A FIGHT.
TAKE IT EASY! BREAK 'EM UP! LET ME AT HIM! I'LL KILL HIM! I SWEAR! I'LL KILL HIM! WHO STARTED IT? HE DID! HE STARTED THROWING FOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE! HE SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO ASSOCIATE WITH GUYS LIKE US! I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS GUY.
HOLD IT, ROLAND.
YOU KNOW WE DON' OPERATE LIKE THAT.
PUT HIM IN THE HOLE.
I THINK YOU'LL BE GLAD TO KNOW THAT, UH, YOU AIN'T GONNA BE SEEIN' HIM AGAIN.
LET'S GO, SWEET.
RIGHT STRAIGHT AHEAD.
IS-IS THIS WHERE YOU KEEP THAT ANIMAL GUY? I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T PUT ME IN WITH THAT ANIMAL, WOULD YOU? DON'T WORRY.
THERE'S ONLY ONE IN A CELL.
WHEW! I COULDN'T STAND BEING COOPED UP IN ONE OF THESE TINY CELLS WITH THAT KILLER.
UH, KEENAN, YOU KNOW WE REALLY ARE A LITTLE SHORT OF SPACE.
I THINK HE OUGHT TO GO IN WITH ANIMAL.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU GUYS CAN'T DUMP ME IN-- THAT GUY'S A MURDERER.
YOU CAN'T PUT ME IN THERE WITH-- WITH ANIMAL.
BACK AGAINST THE WALL.
WE'RE OPENING UP.
ONE MORE COMING IN.
HI THERE.
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
- COLT SEAVERS IS MY NAME.
- I DON'T LIKE ROOMMATES.
THE GUARD BROKE MY SHOULDER, BUT I COULD KILL YOU WITH ONE HAND.
OH, I DON' TAKE UP MUCH ROOM.
[ Punch Landing ] [ Body Thuds ] [ Chuckling ] [ Punches Landing ] [ Body Thuds ] [ Grunting ] [ Panting ] PEGGY, HAVE YOU REACHED DR.
MASON? YES, SIR.
HE SAID HE COULD SEE YOU ON YOUR WAY HOME TONIGHT, IF IT'S URGENT.
YES.
ORDINARILY, I-- I'D-- ORDINARILY-- WARDEN MITCHELL, WHAT'S WRONG? WARDEN MITCHELL, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
BACK OFF.
JUST BACK OFF.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH EXPERIENCE TO KNOW WHEN A MAN'S HURTING.
GO AWAY.
YOUR SHOULDER'S DISLOCATED.
FROM A GUARD'S CLUB? HEY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GE ON YOUR OWN SIDE OF THE HOLE? NOW THIS ISN'T GONNA HURT-- OHH! MUCH.
- HEY, WHAT'D YOU DO? - I SET THE BONE, I THINK.
[ Inhales, Exhales ] SURE MAKES BREATHING A LOT EASIER.
WHERE'D YOU LEARN TO SET BONES LIKE THAT? OH, I'VE HAD, UH, PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE.
WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF A DOCTOR? NO, JUST ACCIDENT-PRONE.
HEY, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
- YOU GAMBLE? - OH, YOU BET.
[ Chattering ] [ Big Jack ] DANNY, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU WERE TO BE BROUGHT IN STILL WEARING YOUR SKIN.
BIG JACK, THERE AIN' NOTHING LUCKY ABOUT ME.
IN THREE DAYS, I'LL BE SENT UP TO THE STATE PRISON, WHERE ANIMAL'S WAITING TO KILL ME.
NOT IF COLT CAN HELP IT.
COLT? HE'S A STUNTMAN, JACK, NOT SUPERMAN.
DANNY, I'M GONNA CALL THE WARDEN, EXPLAIN YOU'VE JUST BEEN CAUGHT.
HE'S AN OLD FRIEND, AND I'M-I'M SURE THA HE CAN DELAY YOUR ARRIVAL.
[ Phone Rings ] [ Peggy ] WARDEN MITCHELL'S OFFICE.
HELLO.
MAY I SPEAK TO WARDEN MITCHELL? IT'S SAMANTHA JACK.
OH, MISS JACK, I'M SO SORRY.
THE WARDEN'S CRITICALLY ILL.
HE'S IN A COMA.
OH, MY GOD.
- THE WARDEN HAD A HEART ATTACK.
- WHAT? YEAH, HE'S IN A COMA, AND HE'S-- YOU MEAN AS IN UNCONSCIOUS? BOY, THAT EXPLAINS A LOT.
CAPTAIN ROLAND HAS BEEN STRUTTING AROUND HERE LIKE CAPTAIN BLIGH.
IT'S DOUBLE WORK HOURS AND HALF RATIONS.
GEE, HE DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THE KIND OF A GUY WE COULD GO TO FOR HELP.
[ Scoffs ] NOT UNLESS YOU WAN YOUR NOOSE TIGHTENED.
[ Sighs ] WELL, WHERE'S COLT? HE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
JODY, EVEN I CAN' GET IN TOUCH WITH COLT.
HE'S GOT HIMSELF THROWN INTO THE HOLE.
THE HOLE? WELL, THAT'S WHERE ANIMAL IS.
WELL, WE'VE GOTTA LE COLT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
JODY, THE ONLY WAY THAT I CAN TALK TO COLT IS TO GET MYSELF THROWN INTO THE HOLE.
JODY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THE HOLE IS A SCUMMY PLACE.
IT'S DARK, AND IT'S DAMP.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL PUNCH SOMEONE.
HEY, YOU.
UGLY FACE.
ARE YOU STEPPIN' UP TO ME COME HERE.
LIKE YOU WANT TO TAKE A PIECE, YEAH DID YOU HEAR ME? BETTER BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY I'M TALKING TO YOU.
'CAUSE I'M STARTING TO FEEL MY RAGE I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU LOOK.
IT'S TIME FOR A FIGHT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, HUH? HUH? HUH? YOU TRY TO THROW AROUND YOUR BODY IT'S TIME FOR A FIGHT AND I'M GONNA WIN HEY, YOU, STUMPY THERE.
NEXT TO THE GUY WITH THE HUNCHBACK.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GUYS.
WELL, MY EYES ARE SEEIN' RED I'M BURNIN' MY ADRENALINE I DON'T LIKE ANY OF YOU GUYS.
YOU'RE ALL CREEPS, YOU HEAR ME? CREEPOS! IT'S TIME FOR A FIGHT [ Continues ] STAY AWAY FROM HIM.
HE'S A PSYCHO.
IT'S TIME FOR A FIGHT AND I'M GONNA WIN HEY, YOU.
[ Snaps Fingers ] COME HERE.
[ Ends ] HA.
[ Spits ] COME ON, DOUBLES.
[ Chuckles ] OKAY.
THAT MAKES, UH, $74,000 YOU OWE ME.
YEAH, WELL, HERE'S 74.
BOY, LAST TIME I REMEMBER A GUY DROPPING THAT MUCH MONEY WAS A FELLA IN VEGAS, WORE THIS SILLY RED PATCH ON HIS EYE.
RED PATCH? YEAH.
HE WAS DROPPING C-NOTES LIKE THEY WERE GOING OUT OF STYLE.
- IS THIS GUY NAMED RED EYE? - YEAH.
I THINK THAT'S WHA THEY CALLED HIM, YEAH.
DROPPING MONEY IN VEGAS? YEAH.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE BROADS CRAWLING ALL OVER HIM.
GOOD-LOOKING BROADS TOO.
HE'S GOT BROADS, AND I'M ROTTING HERE IN THIS PLACE? HEY, THAT GUY IS DEAD.
HE'S DEAD? HOW'D HE DIE? WELL, I HAVEN' FIGURED THAT OUT YET, BUT IT'S GONNA HURT.
YEAH, I BET IT WOULD.
THAT TWO-BIT PUNK RED EYE.
SPENDING MY MONEY WHILE I'M ROTTING HERE IN THIS JAIL.
SPENDING YOUR MONEY? - I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
- I WISH I COULD ARRANGE IT.
NO, MAN.
I MEAN, I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU SEE, RED EYE AND I PULLED OFF A JOB.
WE PINNED IT ON SOME JERK.
YOU KNOW, PERFECT CRIME? EXCEPT HE WASN' SUPPOSED TO SPEND ANY MONEY UNTIL I GET OUT OF HERE.
- THAT RED EYE'S A THIEF! - YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
HEY, YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE? OH, NO, NO, NO.
I'M GONNA SIT RIGHT HERE AND SERVE MY TIME OUT NICE AND EASY.
YEAH, WELL, NOT ME.
I'M GONNA GET MY HANDS ON MY SHARE OF THAT MONEY.
SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY.
[ Thumps ] [ Howie ] GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME.
WATCH IT.
I'LL CALL MY LAWYER.
[ Thumps ] [ Sighs ] GO ON.
BOY, AM I LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.
PRIVACY.
SICKEST GUY I'VE EVER SEEN.
MOST OF THEM WANT TO STAY OUT OF THE HOLE.
[ Door Closes ] HOWIE? COLT? - WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? - WELL, IT'S A LONG STORY.
WELL, I'VE GO NOTHING BUT TIME.
HEY, YOU KNOW THIS GUY? OH, YEAH, HE'S A FRIEND.
BUT HE'S CRAZY.
REAL LOON.
YEAH.
I LIKE THAT.
COLT, DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS ABOUT THE WARDEN? HE HAD A HEART ATTACK.
HMM.
THE WARDEN HAD A HEART ATTACK.
GREAT! I LOVE TO SEE A SCREW GET IT.
OUR WARDEN? YEAH.
ROLAND RUNS THE PLACE NOW.
THE, UH, WARDEN DIDN' HAVE ANY INTERESTING NEWS TO PASS ON TO ROLAND, DID HE? UH-UH.
HE'S IN A COMA.
A COMA? YOU GOT ANY OTHER GOOD NEWS? WELL, YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE RUNNING WITH BIG JACK'S GANG? BIG JACK'S GANG? YEAH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO WOULDN'T COME IN WITH US? WELL, HE WAS PICKED UP.
OH, HE WAS, WAS HE? THAT DOESN'T LEAVE US MUCH TIME TO MAKE A BREAK.
ALL RIGHT! BREAK! THAT'S MY KIND OF TALK.
YEAH, BUT THE LOON GOES WITH US.
SURE.
HEY, BUT HOW YOU GONNA GET US OUT OF THIS HOLE? WATCH.
GUARD! - [ Knocking ] - GUARD! HEY, SCREW! HALF-WIT! DUMMY! COME HERE! [ Knocking Continues ] YOU SAY SOMETHING? YEAH.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW THAT CLOWN THAT'S RUNNIN' THIS PLACE IS DOING.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT? YEAH.
THAT LOWLIFE CREATURE THEY CALL ROLAND.
HE AIN'T GONNA LIKE HEARING WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
THAT'S WHY HE'S KEEPING ME IN HERE.
HE'S TOO CHICKEN - TO LET ME OUT WHERE I CAN GET A HOLD OF HIM.
- CHICKEN? [ Chuckles ] ROLAND? [ Whispering ] ROLAND DID THIS.
YEAH.
YOU TELL THAT FATSO THAT HE'S TOO YELLOW TO LET ANY OF US OUT OF HERE.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOU WANT ME TO RELAY? "YELLOW-BELLIED CHICKEN WOULD SELL HIS OWN MOTHER TO A BIKER GANG.
" [ Sighs ] I GUESS THA ABOUT COVERS IT.
LET 'EM OUT.
ALL OF 'EM.
WELL, YOU LOOK PRETTY GOOD FOR A GUY WHO SPENT A WEEK IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT.
WELL, I CAN SAY ONE THING FOR FOOD IN THE HOLE.
YOU CAN'T GET FAT ON IT.
OH, A LITTLE GIFT.
COMPLIMENTS FROM OUR FRIENDS IN THE SPECIAL EFFECTS DEPARTMENT.
THE BATTERIES ARE ALL BRAND-NEW.
THEY'LL LAST FOREVER.
THE ONE WITH THE RED DO IS HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE.
OH.
ONLY ONE? THE RADIO HAD TO WORK.
THEY CHECK EVERYTHING.
THE SPECIAL EFFECTS DEPARTMEN SAYS IT'S VERY SENSITIVE.
- HOW MUCH FORCE DOES IT NEED? - NOT MUCH.
WELL, I GOTTA TELL YOU, JODY, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A CARE PACKAGE FROM HOME.
[ Radio: Country ] I HOPE THIS WORKS, COLT.
WELL, JUST KEEP STACKING 'EM LIKE I TOLD YOU.
WITH ANIMAL'S HELP, WE'LL GET THIS RAMP BUILT TODAY.
[ Continues ] LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR.
YEAH.
MY RADIO.
[ Volume Increases ] NICE SONG, AIN'T IT? WELL, YOU GOT ALL THE COMFORTS OF HOME HERE NOW, DON'T YA? YOU KNOW, IT'D BE SOMETHING TERRIBLE IF THIS NICE LITTLE TRINKE WAS TO FALL OFF OF HERE AND BUS IN ABOUT A THOUSAND PIECES.
I MEAN, AFTER ALL, WE DON'T ALLOW PRESENTS TO NO COP KILLERS.
[ Ends ] NOW THIS IS AN EXPLOSIVE DEVICE.
- STAY BACK.
- [ Laughing ] NOW YOU DON'T REALLY EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT, DO YOU? JUST STAY WHERE YOU'RE AT, BOYS.
LET ME TAKE CARE OF THIS TURKEY MYSELF.
HERE, KEEP 'EM BACK.
I'LL GET ANIMAL.
THROW DOWN YOUR GUNS NOW! NOW! NOW! COME ON, TEMPT ME! COME ON, I DARE YOU! TAXI? THIS YOUR PLAN? WELL, WITH A FEW CHANGES.
LET'S PICK UP THE LOON.
HEY, WAIT FOR ME! ONE STEP AND YOUR WIFE IS A WIDOW! YEAH! [ Roland ] THEY STILL CAN'T GET OUT OF HERE! GET AFTER 'EM! [ Animal ] HOW DO WE GE THROUGH THE FENCES? WELL, WE DON'T GO THROUGH.
HEY, THEY'RE COMIN' BACK! - HEY, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
- JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES.
IT'S WHAT I DO.
[ Men Cheering ] NO MAN'S EVER GOTTEN OUT OF ONE OF MY CAMPS.
I WANT EVERY MAN WE GOT AFTER 'EM! I WANT THEM KILLERS CAPTURED! YOU UNDERSTAND ME? EVERY ONE OF 'EM! I DON'T CARE HOW YOU BRING 'EM BACK, EITHER-- DEAD OR ALIVE.
TAKE IT EASY, COLT.
IF I DROP THIS-- DON'T WORRY.
IT'S JUST A COMMON BATTERY.
HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? I WAS HOLDING OFF ARMED GUARDS WITH A PLAIN OLD BATTERY? JOHN WAYNE COULDN' HAVE BEEN BETTER.
BEAUTIFUL.
KEEP THIS JALOPY GOING.
I GOT A DATE WITH MY FRIEND RED EYE.
EXPLOSIVES? OKAY, FRANK, THANKS.
THAT WAS THE L.
A.
P.
D.
WHERE IN THE WORLD DID COL GET HOLD OF EXPLOSIVES? HE HAD TO GET OUT OF THERE.
THAT SO-CALLED WARDEN, HE WOULD HAVE KILLED HIM.
WITHOUT MITCHELL, THEY ARE BEING HUNTED DOWN LIKE REAL CRIMINALS.
THIS LOOKS GOOD.
I STILL DON'T THINK WE OUGHT TO DO THIS.
HEY, WE HAVE TO GET RID OF THIS TRUCK AND GET SOME CLOTHES.
WE NEED MONEY FOR THAT.
ANIMAL, WAIT A MINUTE.
MAYBE I BETTER DO IT.
I MEAN, LOOK, THERE'S NO OFFENSE.
IT'S JUS THAT THE WAY YOU LOOK THE GUY'S LIABLE TO START SHOOTING BEFORE YOU WALK IN THE STORE.
YEAH.
YEAH! YEAH.
WE'LL STEAL THE CAR.
KID, THROW ME THA JACKET ON THE FLOOR.
[ Coins Jingling ] [ Rings ] HELLO.
SAMANTHA JACK HERE.
COLT, WHERE ARE YOU? WELL, RIGHT NOW, I'M IN A LIQUOR STORE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE? WELL, I'M JUS ABOUT TO ROB IT.
WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? NO.
LISTEN.
NOW PUT JODY ON THE LINE, QUICK.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
YEAH? OH.
OKAY.
RIGHT.
YEAH.
YEAH, I KNOW WHO THAT IS.
OKAY.
YEAH, I GOT THAT.
WE'RE DOING EVERYTHING WE CAN TO CLEAR THIS UP.
ALL RIGHT.
JUST HANG TIGHT.
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.
[ Clears Throat ] UH, EXCUSE ME.
UH, YEAH? I HAVE KIND OF, UH, AN UNUSUAL REQUEST AND I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? WELL, I'M NO REALLY USED TO DOING THIS, BUT I ASSURE YOU THE MONEY WILL BE RETURNED JUST AS SOON-- IS THIS A HOLDUP? NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO.
NOT EXACTLY.
UH-- THIS IS A HOLDUP.
UM, YES, IT IS.
LOOK, I CAN' EXPLAIN RIGHT NOW.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I DON'T WAN TO GET ANYBODY HURT.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, SUCKER.
LOOK, I HAVE MY HAND ON A .
357 MAGNUM RIGHT THIS SECOND.
YOU SO MUCH AS BLINK AN EYE AND I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD RIGHT OFF YOUR SHOULDERS.
THIS ISN'T GOIN' ACCORDING TO PLAN.
LOOK, I'M GONNA COUNT TO THREE AND THEN I'M GONNA PULL THE TRIGGER.
I WAS EIGHT MONTHS IN 'NAM, AND I AIN'T AFRAID TO USE IT.
YOU NOW, LOOK, THIS COULD GO A LOT SMOOTHER IF YOU'D JUST-- I HAD THREE YEARS IN THERAPY.
I CAN HANDLE STRESS.
THE DOCTORS SAY I'M DOING MUCH BETTER.
I'M OUT ALMOST FULL-TIME NOW.
- ONE-- - I DON'T THINK YOU'RE LISTENING TO ME.
- TWO-- - ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT, YOU WIN.
HEY, I HEARD SIX SHOTS.
YOU DON'T FOOL AROUND, DO YOU? IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING, YOU MAY AS WELL DO IT RIGHT, ESPECIALLY IF IT'S FOR A FRIEND.
HERE, I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING.
IT SEEMED APPROPRIATE.
BOY, YOU SHOULD SEE ANIMAL HOT-WIRE A CAR.
- YEAH.
MY DADDY TAUGHT ME.
- [ Tires Squealing ] OP-OPERATOR, GET ME THE POLICE.
I'VE BEEN ROBBED AND SHOT AT.
NO, I-I'M FINE.
IT'S THE WORST AIM I'VE EVER SEEN.
UH, THE ROBBER'S NAME IS COLT SEAVERS.
HIS ADDRESS IS 22345 FIRST STREET.
HIS PHONE NUMBER IS 555-7015.
HE LEFT A NOTE.
SO FAR SO GOOD.
WITH ANY LUCK, THEY HAVEN'T DISCOVERED THIS THING IS STOLEN YET.
[ Man ] COLT SEAVERS.
THAT'S THE GUY'S NAME.
HE TOOK THE MONEY FROM THE CASH REGISTER AND-AND THAT LADY'S CAR.
AND HE LEFT HIS NAME BEHIND? GUY'S NOT EXACTLY ALL THERE, HUH? OH, HE'S ALL THERE, ALL RIGHT.
HE'S MOCKIN' ME.
BUT I'LL SHOW THAT COP KILLER.
I'LL FOLLOW HIM WHEREVER HE GOES, AND I'LL MAKE HIM EAT THOSE WORDS.
HE'S GOTTA STOP SOMETIME.
AND WHEN HE DOES, I'LL MAKE SURE HE NEVER MOVES AGAIN.
[ Snaps Fingers ] EXCUSE ME.
[ Engine Starts ] [ Animal Howls ] OH, COLT, CAN'T WE HAVE JUS A LITTLE FIRE? THESE THINGS DON'T TASTE GOOD RAW.
NO TELLING WHO THA WOULD ATTRACT, KID.
HOW DID YOU FIND THIS PLACE? OH, I DID SOME STUNT WORK ON A FILM UP HERE ONCE.
IT'S NICE.
REMINDS ME OF MY DAYS AS A SCOUT.
BOY SCOUTS? HEY, I HAD SOME GREAT TIMES WITH THEM.
YOU WERE A SCOUT? NO, NO.
I USED TO RAID THEIR CAMPS, STEAL THEIR STUFF.
- HOW MUCH FARTHER WE GOTTA GO TO FIND THIS RED EYE? - WE SHOULD BE THERE TOMORROW.
WAIT TILL YOU GUYS SEE WHAT I DO TO HIM.
I CAN'T WAIT.
ON THE COUNT OF THREE.
ONE, TWO-- [ Gun Cocks ] I WOULDN'T DO THAT, ROLAND.
I REALLY WOULDN'T.
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION.
AGENT WILSON, AGENT JONES.
IT'S NOT NICE TO POINT GUNS AT PEOPLE.
OH, YOU'RE A COMEDIAN, HUH? I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE.
BUT THIS LINE OF WORK IS MORE STEADY.
BUT THOSE IS ESCAPED KILLERS OUT THERE, ESCAPED FROM MY PENITENTIARY.
WE'RE AWARE OF THAT.
THERE'S ALSO A FEDERAL INVESTIGATION INVOLVING ONE OF THOSE MEN THERE-- "ANIMAL" JAKE MARTIN.
WE GOT A TIP HE CAN LEAD US TO SOME FEDERAL MONEY.
BUT YOU CAN'T LE ESCAPED KILLERS, ESPECIALLY A COP KILLER, JUST RUN AROUND HIS MERRY WAY.
IT WON'T BE VERY MERRY, I CAN ASSURE YOU.
THE BUREAU FIGURES AS LONG AS THEY'RE OUT ALREADY, WE MIGHT AS WELL LET THEM HELP US DO OUR JOB.
WE'RE VERY CAPABLE OF SEEING TO IT THOSE BOYS DON'T GE INTO ANY MORE MISCHIEF.
AND WE'LL BE HAPPY TO RETURN THEM TO YOU WHEN WE'RE THROUGH.
I BETTER GET 'EM BACK IN ONE PIECE.
[ Birds Chirping ] HMM? WHAT'S GOING ON? COPS IN THE WOODS.
[ Engine Cranking ] WILSON! [ Cranking Continues ] THEY'RE ON THE MOVE! [ Engine Starts ] - WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO NOW, COLT? - TRUST ME.
THE LAST ONE I TRUSTED WAS RED EYE.
HANG ON, GUYS.
- UH, COLT? - ALL RIGHT, PULL OVER! LOOKS LIKE THEY GOT US.
YOU GUYS GIVE UP TOO EASY.
[ Howie ] COLT, CAN'T YOU GO ANY FASTER? [ Colt ] THIS CAR DOESN'T MOVE.
NEXT TIME STEAL A CAR WITH SOME GUTS.
[ Howie ] COLT, IT SAYS THE DARN ROAD'S CLOSED.
- ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'? - NO.
- YOU'LL NEVER MAKE THIS ONE.
- YOU KNOW, KID, YOU COULD BE RIGHT.
OH, I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE HOLE.
- HEY, BEN, YOU'RE NOT GONNA-- - IF HE CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT.
[ Jones ] YOU WERE SAYING? [ Wilson ] NEVER MIND.
JUST GET ON THE RADIO.
WE NEED A CHOPPER FAST.
HE'S UP THERE.
BUT WE'D BETTER GO AROUND THE BACK.
WHAT IS THIS PLACE? IT'S AN OLD THEATER THEY'RE GONNA TEAR DOWN TO MAKE INTO CONDOMINIUMS.
RED EYE LIVES HERE.
HE'S A WATCHMAN.
[ Country ] [ Gun Cocks ] JUST LIKE THE CREEP.
SUCKIN' ON A BEER.
HEY, DIRTBAG! [ Screams ] [ Punches Landing ] [ Grunting ] [ Screams ] WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY? ANIMAL, HOW'D YOU GET OUT? WITH THE HELP OF MY TWO PALS HERE.
AND MY BUDDY TOLD ME WHA KIND OF A THIEF YOU ARE! THIEF? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIEF? MAN, WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? MR.
INNOCENT, HUH? I KNOW ABOUT THAT LOAD YOU DROPPED IN VEGAS! VEGAS? VEGAS? I HAVEN'T BEEN TO VEGAS IN THREE YEARS.
AND ABOUT ANY DOUGH-- THE DOUGH WE GOT IS STILL SAFE IN THE SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX.
I AIN'T TOUCHED IT.
YOU CAN CALL THE BANK.
[ Animal ] YEAH? HOW COME HE SAW YOU GAMBLING? WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE BROADS YOU WERE BUYING? YOU DON'T DO THA WITH A SMILE, YOU KNOW.
ANIMAL! ANIMAL! I GIVE YOU MY WORD.
I SWEAR I AIN' TOUCHED THAT DOUGH.
I MEAN, LOOK AROUND HERE! LOOK AROUND! WOULD I BE LIVIN' LIKE THIS IF I WAS SPENDING OUR DOUGH? WOULD I BE HERE WHERE YOU COULD FIND ME LIKE YOU JUST DID? USE YOUR HEAD.
WELL, ANIMAL, THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME EXPLANATION.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT REALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS THA YOU'RE BEGINNIN' TO DOUBT ME.
ANIMAL, IT, UH, SURE LOOKED LIKE THE SAME FELLA DROPPIN' MONEY IN VEGAS.
I MEAN, HOW MANY GUYS WEAR FUNNY RED PATCHES? YEAH, YOU'RE SURE LOOKIN' PRETTY NERVOUS.
DO SOMETHIN', KID.
UH, WHAT DO YOU SAY THE FOUR OF US SIT DOWN AND TALK THIS OVER? - WE'LL HAVE A COUPLE OF BEERS.
IT WAS A HOT DAY-- - SHUT UP! I'M GETTIN' A FUNNY FEELIN' ABOUT YOU TWO GUYS.
- FREEZE! FEDERAL AGENTS! - OH, DON'T SHOOT! DON'T SHOOT! YOU, UP! BEN, COVER 'EM.
DON'T YOU MOVE.
GET YOUR HANDS TOGETHER.
- HE'S DEAD.
- WELL, I THOUGH HE WAS GOING FOR A GUN.
HE WASN'T GOING FOR ANY GUN.
YOU COPS COULD BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
[ Gun Cocks ] MAYBE WE SHOULD SHUT THEM UP, FAST.
HEY! WAIT! DEAL! DEAL, GUYS! WE CAN TALK A DEAL HERE.
- HEY! - HEY, I'D RATHER BE BROKE THAN DEAD.
A DEAL? WHAT KIND OF DEAL? LOOK, WE GOT 150 GRAND STASHED IN A SAFE-DEPOSIT BOX IN A BANK, YOU UNDERSTAND? WE'LL GIVE THE WHOLE THING TO YOU GUYS YOU LET US GO, OKAY? YOU'D BE WILLING TO GIVE US ALL THE MONEY, AND WE JUST LET YOU GO? YEAH, YOU COULD SAY WE RAN OU DURING THE SHOOTING.
150 GRAND, GUYS.
WELL, HERE'S-- HERE'S-- HERE'S THE KEY.
- FIRST NATIONAL, SYCAMORE STREET.
- [ Colt ] THANK YOU, RED EYE.
- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- BUT YOU'RE DEAD.
YOU JUST WENT OUT THE WINDOW.
WHOO! HOW'D YOU DO THAT, COLT? YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO FALL.
- WELL, FOR A MINUTE THERE, I WAS A LITTLE DOWN IN THE DUMP.
- [ Jones ] POLICE EMERGENCY.
- BUT IT SURE SAVED MY NECK.
- THERE'S BEEN A SHOOTING A 14 WATER STREET.
SEND A UNIT.
COLT, THE POLICE ARE ON THEIR WAY.
VERY CONVINCING FOR A COUPLE OF STUNTMEN.
[ Red Eye ] STUNTMEN? [ Jones ] YEAH.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, THE WAY I'VE GOT IT FIGURED, EVEN AT SCALE, FOR TWO DAY'S STUNTS, UH, FOR THE GAGS WE DID, I FIGURE YOU OWE ME AND BENNY ABOUT A GRAND EACH.
YEAH, WELL, SEE MY MANAGER HERE, BOYS.
HE'LL BE HAPPY TO PAY YOU.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, HOWIE? UH, WELL, I'VE GOT TO GET THE DEAL SET WITH BIG JACK AND, UH, W-2 FORMS IN TRIPLICATE.
WE'LL HAVE TO SUBMI MEAL VOUCHERS.
I WAN VERIFICATION ON OVERTIME.
AND NATURALLY, I'LL HAVE TO DEDUCT THE PRICE OF THE CAR YOU WRECKED.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULDN' REALLY TRY TO DO EVERYTHING COLT TRIES TO DO.
I'VE BEEN WORKING WITH HIM A LOT LONGER THAN YOU GUYS.
WELL, COLT, COME ON.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
LOOK, I'D RATHER NOT SEE ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME FOR QUITE A WHILE.
OH, THIS YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO SEE.
I PROMISE.
OH, MISS JACK.
I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.
OH, I'M NOT THE ONE TO THANK.
IT'S THESE TWO GENTLEMEN.
BLESS YOU.
MY FAMILY WILL ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL TO YOU.
I'M JUST, UH, GLAD EVERYTHING TURNED OUT ALL RIGHT.
WELL, IF, UH, YOU'LL EXCUSE US.
SURE.
GOOD-BYE.
GOOD-BYE.
GOOD LUCK.
OH.
JACK, HOW COME IT IS EVERY TIME I WANT TO GET MAD AT YOU, YOU ALWAYS HAVE SOMETHING UP YOUR SLEEVE? OH, BUT, COLT, I'VE GO NOTHING UP MY SLEEVES NOW.
[ Banging ] WHAT'S THAT? HOWIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THAT POOR MACHINE? THIS DARN THING STOLE MY 50 CENTS.
HOWIE-- NOT NOW, COLT.
I TOOK A HALF A YEAR OF MECHANICAL ENGINEERING AT PENN STATE, AND I'M GONNA GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS THING.
HOWARD.
NO.
IT'S THE PRINCIPLE, COLT.
THESE MACHINES NEVER WORK-- AND IN A POLICE STATION.
- LOOK, WE WANT TO GO TO LUNCH.
- WELL, GO ON AHEAD.
I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU LATER.
WELL, HERE, KID.
YOU MIGHT NEED THIS.
[ Chuckling ] [ Man ] FALL GUY IS A GLEN LARSON PRODUCTION.