The Fall Guy (1981) s01e05 Episode Script

Colt's Angels

WELL, I'M NOT THE KIND TO KISS AND TELL BUT I'VE BEEN SEEN WITH FARRAH I'VE NEVER BEEN WITH ANYTHING LESS THAN A NINE SO FINE I'VE BEEN ON FIRE WITH SALLY FIELD GONE FAS WITH A GIRL NAMED BO BUT SOMEHOW THEY JUS DON'T END UP AS MINE IT'S A DEATH-DEFYIN' LIFE I LEAD I TAKE MY CHANCES I DIE FOR A LIVIN' IN THE MOVIES AND TV [ Siren Wailing ] BUT THE HARDEST THING I EVER DO IS WATCH MY LEADING LADIES KISS SOME OTHER GUY WHILE I'M BANDAGIN' MY KNEE I MIGHT FALL FROM A TALL BUILDIN' I MIGHT ROLL A BRAND-NEW CAR 'CAUSE I'M THE UNKNOWN STUNTMAN THAT MADE REDFORD SUCH A STAR [ Women Vocalizing ] I'VE NEVER SPEN MUCH TIME IN SCHOOL BUT I'VE TAUGH LADIES PLENTY IT'S TRUE I HIRE MY BODY OUT FOR PAY HEY, HEY I'VE GOTTEN BURNED OVER CHERYL TIEGS BLOWN UP FOR RAQUEL WELCH BUT WHEN I WIND UP IN THE HAY, IT'S ONLY HAY HEY, HEY I MIGHT JUMP AN OPEN DRAWBRIDGE OR TARZAN FROM A VINE 'CAUSE I'M THE UNKNOWN STUNTMAN THAT MAKES EASTWOOD LOOK SO FINE [ Colt Narrating ] THIS IS THE STORY OF ONE OF AMERICA'S GREAT UNSUNG HEROES.
I MEAN, YOU'VE SEEN HIM, BUT YOU NEVER KNEW WHO HE WAS.
YOU'VE CHEERED FOR HIM AND CRIED FOR HIM, WOMEN HAVE WANTED TO DIE FOR HIM.
BUT DID HE EVER GET ANY CREDIT? OR THE GIRL? NO.
HE WAS WHAT WE CALL A STUNTMAN.
AND THE REASON I'M TALKIN' SO FONDLY ABOUT HIM IS-- WELL, BECAUSE IT'S ME, COLT SEAVERS.
ANYWAY, PICTURE WORK ISN'T WALL-TO-WALL EMPLOYMENT.
SO MAYBE YOU WONDER HOW A GUY KEEPS HIS HEAD TOGETHER.
WELL, ONE WAY IS TO WAIT BY THE PHONE AND WAIT AND WAIT.
THE OTHER IS TO TAKE AN OCCASIONAL JOB FOR THE COURT SYSTEM OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, WHERE A MAN IS CONSIDERED INNOCEN UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY.
UNFORTUNATELY, SOMETIMES A LO OF THESE PEOPLE GET OUT OF JAIL ON WHAT WE CALL BAIL.
AND THEY RUN LIKE HELL.
THAT'S WHERE I COME IN.
I SOMETIMES PICK UP RENT MONEY TRYIN' TO FIND THEM AND BRING THEM BACK TO JUSTICE.
BUT RIGHT NOW I'M DOIN' A PICTURE THAT'S FULL OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES, AND THAT CAN BE REAL DANGEROUS, SO YOU HAVE TO REHEARSE I VERY CAREFULLY.
AND THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOIN' AT THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT.
REHEARSAL, EVERYBODY! REHEARSAL! WE'LL DO A DRY RUN AT SLOW SPEED.
[ Director ] OKAY, BANDITOS, COME OUT SHOOTING! [ Director ] OKAY, GO WITH THE DYNAMITE! THAT'S WHERE YOU'LL GET OFF, KID.
HE'LL THROW THE DYNAMITE AT THAT POINT.
SEE, THE CHARGES ARE BURIED IN FRONT OF THE SALOON.
WHEN HE THROWS THE PHONY DYNAMITE, I SET OFF A SIGNAL.
KABANG! YOU GOT IT.
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! THAT'S A PERFEC DRY RUN, COLT.
- READY TO DO IT FOR KEEPS? - READY AS I'LL EVER BE.
OKAY.
[ Colt ] GIDDAP.
EVERYTHING ALL SET? YEP.
IT'S TIMED TO BLOW TWO SECONDS AFTER YOU PASS.
SO THAT SHOULD GIVE YOU ABOUT 10 FEET OF LEEWAY.
- BE CAREFUL, YOU GUYS.
- LET'S DO IT.
GIDDAP.
LET'S GO.
ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, THIS IS GONNA BE THE REAL THING NOW.
TOM, ARE YOU SURE THOSE EXPLOSIVES ARE REALLY SAFE? THOSE GUYS WILL COME OU WITHOUT EVEN A SCRATCH.
YOU SEE, IT'S JUS A MATTER OF TIMING.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, ROLL 'EM.
ACTION! [ Rock Playing On Radio ] - WHERE IN THE HELL DID HE COME FROM? - [ Jody ] THE CHARGES! HE DOESN'T KNOW THEY'RE RADIO-CONTROLLED! [ Jody ] OH, MY GOD! COLT! [ Screams ] [ Horse Whinnying ] [ Groans ] [ Man ] SOMEBODY GET THE HORSES, QUICK! GET A DOCTOR! COLT, I WONDER WHAT SE THOSE CHARGES OFF EARLY.
THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION-- A VERY GOOD QUESTION.
COLT, THAT WAS THE BEST STUN I EVER SEEN YOU DO.
THANKS.
JACK, YOU GOTTA SEE IT.
THEY GAVE US A WHOLE TOWN TO BLOW UP.
- COLT, IS HE SERIOUS? - YEAH, BLANCA ROBLES.
IT'S A '40s BOOMTOWN.
DIDN'T EVEN GO POP.
IT'S OUT IN THE DESERT NEAR THE GRAPEVINE.
SEE, THE STATE WAS GONNA DEMOLISH IT ANYWAY, SO THE STUDIO SAVES THE STATE THE WORK, AND THE STATE SAVES THE STUDIO SOME MONEY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I CAN'T GE A DEAL LIKE THAT.
IF I WAITED FOR THE STATE MARSHALS TO BRING BACK MY BAIL JUMPERS, I'D BE OUTTA WORK IN SIX MONTHS.
PLUS, YOU'D HAVE BEEN MISSING OUT ON THE GREATES CHILI DOGS IN TOWN.
COLT, THEY'RE GOOD, BUT I-- I MEAN, I WOULDN'T GO SO FAR AS TO SAY THEY'RE THE GREATEST.
HEY, EVERYBODY COMES HERE.
- HI, COLT.
- SEE? - YOU STILL RISKING YOUR LIFE? - ONLY FOR YOU.
HEY, TONY, TWO CHILI HOT DOGS TO GO.
EASY ON THE CHILI.
[ Big Jack ] ANYWAY, COLT, YOU GE THIS GUY BACK FOR ME, AND THERE IS A 20% REWARD IN IT FOR YOU.
THAT'S ABOUT, UH, 2,500 CHILI DOGS.
HIS NAME IS RANDY SOAMES.
TWO COUNTS OF DRUG TRAFFICKING, FOUR COUNTS OF ASSAUL AND ONE OF RAPE.
- SOUNDS LIKE A REAL NICE GUY.
- [ Jody ] LOOKS REAL FRIENDLY TOO.
WELL, UH, HIS LAWYER SAYS HE'S KIND OF AN OUTGOING GUY WHO LIKES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME.
WELL, THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS SHY AWAY FROM PARTIES GIVEN BY LAWYERS.
ANYWAY, YOU GOT ANY IDEA WHERE WE CAN FIND THIS MR.
, UH, SOAMES? [ Big Jack ] HIS ADDRESS IS RIGHT THERE IN THE FILE.
- HE'S IN MOJAVE.
- YOU MEAN HE'S JUS SITTING THERE RIGHT AT HOME? WELL, HE ANSWERED THE PHONE LAS NIGHT WHEN I CALLED HIM THERE.
THANKS.
- BYE, COLT.
- YEAH, BYE-BYE.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH.
I GOT SOME NEW CLOTHES ON DYNASTY.
SURE LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU IN THEM.
[ Colt ] I'M DOUBLING HER IN DYNASTY NEXT MONTH.
HEY, HOWIE.
HEY, KID, YOU ALL RIGHT? - HUH? - [ Laughing ] - [ Car Engine Starts ] - NOW, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU'RE OFFERING $5,000 FOR A SIMPLE PICKUP? $5,000 FOR BRINGING RANDY SOAMES BACK IN.
YOU SURE THERE'S NOTHING THAT, UH, YOU HAVEN'T TOLD US THAT WE SHOULD KNOW? THE INFORMATION IS ALL IN THE FILE, COLT.
WHAT MORE COULD THERE BE? COME ON, COLT.
HOW MUCH TROUBLE CAN WE HAVE FINDING A FUGITIVE WHO'S SO DUMB THAT HE STAYS HOME AND ANSWERS HIS OWN PHONE? WELL, ALL RIGHT.
FINISH YOUR HOT DOG AND GAS UP THE TRUCK.
[ Country On Radio ] SOMETIMES THE ROAD IS A LONG ONE WE SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY TROUBLE DIGGING UP RANDY SOAMES.
SOMETIMES THE JOURNEY PASSES QUICKLY BY THAT WAS IT.
[ Continues, Indistinct ] THIS IS IT.
[ Howie ] WHAT'S THE POINT OF THIS GAS COMPANY UNIFORM, COLT? [ Colt ] WELL, SOMETIMES I USE A PHONE COMPANY UNIFORM.
THE IMPORTANT THING IS JUS TO LOCATE YOUR MAN.
SO YOU JUST MAKE SURE HE'S AT HOME, AND I'LL COME IN AND COLLAR HIM.
[ Howie ] GUESS SOAMES ISN'T GONNA BE AS EASY TO GET TO AS I THOUGHT.
COULD BE HE KNEW WHA HE WAS DOIN' STAYIN' HOME.
[ Colt ] THAT'S QUITE A SPREAD.
[ Howie ] YEAH, IF YOU LIKE THAT UN-LIVED-IN LOOK.
[ Radio Switches Off ] NOW DO YOUR STUFF, KID.
AND DON'T TRY TO BE A HERO.
DON'T WORRY, COLT.
PIECE OF CAKE.
[ Woman ] WHO IS IT? GAS MAN.
YEAH? SOMEBODY REPORTED A LEAK? I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT ANY LEAK.
MR.
, UH, SOAMES REPORTED A LEAK.
RANDY? YEAH.
IS MR.
SOAMES HERE NOW? SHH! RANDY GETS AWFUL CRANKY IF YOU WAKE HIM.
ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T WANNA WAKE HIM.
WHO THE HELL IS THIS? IT'S A GAS MAN, RANDY.
HE-- HE'S JUST HERE TO CHECK ON THAT LEAK.
LEAK? WHAT LEAK? THE GAS WAS SHUT OFF A MONTH AGO, MADDY.
THERE'S NO GAS TO LEAK.
[ All Whooping ] UH-OH.
[ Whooping Continues ] [ Laughing ] WHOA! HE DOES GET CRANKY! RANDY! WHAT'S HAPPENIN'? WHO'S THIS, THE NEW MAID? I WAS JUST ABOU TO FIND THAT OUT.
- HEY, YOU DO WINDOWS? - [ All Shouting ] [ Shouting Continues ] I JUST WANTED TO FIND OU IF RANDY WAS HERE.
[ Shouting Continues ] WHY DO YOU CARE IF I'M HERE? [ Man ] YEAH, WHAT DO YOU WANT? HMM? - YOU MISSED YOUR COURT DATE.
- THEY SENT YOU TO BRING HIM BACK? I GOT A JOB.
IT'S ONLY PART-TIME.
YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHIN' TO TAKE BACK WITH YOU.
YEAH, SHOW HIM, RANDY.
DO IT, RANDY.
POLICE! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! - I DON'T SEE ANY COPS! - GO! - [ All Shouting ] - [ Gunshot ] [ Gunshots ] [ Yelps ] [ All Shouting ] LET'S GO GET 'EM! WHO THE HELL IS THIS? WITH WHAT? IT LOOKS LIKE THEY DECIDED NOT TO FOLLOW.
OH, THANK YOU, BLANK GUN.
IT'S A GOOD MOVE, COLT.
I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN ALL THOSE MOVIES WITHOUT LEARNING SOMETHING ABOUT CREATING A DIVERSION.
YOU SUPPOSE BIG JACK KNEW THAT SOAMES WAS THE LEADER OF A BIKER GANG? DOES THIS TRUCK NEED NEW SHOCKS? SHE KNEW.
SHE ALSO KNEW THAT WITH A BIG STUNT JOB COMIN' UP, WE MIGHT NOT TAKE A DANGEROUS CASE.
SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW? TELL HER TO GE SOMEBODY ELSE I HOPE.
NO, WE TOOK THE JOB, KID.
WE FINISH WHAT WE STARTED.
PROVIDED I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW.
NARCOTICS, GUN RUNNING, EXTORTION-- THAT'S JUST A PART OF WHA THESE OUTLAW MOTORCYCLE GANGS ARE INVOLVED IN, MR.
SEAVERS.
WELL, THAT'S WHY I FIGURED IF ANYBODY'D KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HIM, IT'D BE THE F.
B.
I.
I'LL BE GLAD TO HELP HOWEVER I CAN.
HAVE A SEAT.
I'M JUST SORRY I CAN' GIVE YOU MORE TO WORK ON, MR.
GRAHAM.
ALL I HAVE IS A NAME.
RANDY SOAMES.
THAT'S A NAME WE'RE WELL AWARE OF.
AS I RECALL, THE ORGANIZATION OF THIS GANG IS FAIRLY LOOSE.
THE TROUBLE IS THEIR FRIENDSHIP SEEMS PRETTY TIGHT.
NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.
THOSE GANG MEMBERS STICK TOGETHER.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A HELL OF A TIME GETTING YOUR MAN.
SOUNDS LIKE THE ONLY WAY TO DO I IS CUT HIM OUT OF THE HERD.
[ Chuckles ] YOU KNOW, MR.
SEAVERS, YOU WON'T BE THE FIRST TO TRY.
YOU KNOW, IF I COULD LOOK AT WHAT THE OTHERS HAD TO SAY-- I'M AFRAID NOT.
THIS INFORMATION'S STRICTLY FOR BUREAU USE.
UH, MR.
GRAHAM, EXCUSE ME, BUT DIDN'T I JUST HEAR YOU SAY YOU'D HELP? AND WE WILL.
WE'LL DO WHAT WE NEED TO, MR.
SEAVERS, WHEN WE NEED TO.
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? YEAH, BUT WHAT'S UNCLEAR IS WHY YOU'RE LETTIN' SOAMES RUN FREE.
LOOK, I DON'T WANNA STEP ON ANY F.
B.
I.
TOES, BUT I'M TRYIN' TO BRING BACK A FUGITIVE.
AS LONG AS YOU DO INDEED WATCH YOUR STEP.
[ Motorcycle Revving ] COLT.
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM.
COLT! WHERE ARE YOU, COLT? COLT! COLT, THEY'RE AFTER US! COLT! WHERE ARE YOU, COLT? HOWIE, IT IS COLT.
- WHAT'S GOING ON? - HEY, PUNK, SAY HELLO TO MY MAMA.
OH, I GET IT.
THIS IS THE PLAN.
WE'RE GONNA BECOME BIKERS.
NO, NOT WE.
WE.
THEY'VE SEEN YOU.
YOU STAY HERE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED MY HELP.
YOU'LL NEED ME.
I'LL GET A DISGUISE.
WE'LL FOOL 'EM TOGETHER, THE THREE OF US.
KID.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'M YOUR MANAGER, AND I SHOULD DO THE BRAIN WORK.
NOW, I KNOW YOU'RE A GREAT STUNTMAN, BUT, COLT, I-- JODY.
[ Rock ] THAT'S IT, KID.
YOU'RE GETTIN' THE HANG OF IT.
WHAT? I SAID, YOU'RE GETTING THE HANG OF IT.
HOWIE, IS THAT BEARD GONNA BLOW OFF? DON'T WORRY, JODY, I HAD THE MAKEUP DEPARTMEN TACK IT ON REAL GOOD.
YEAH, WELL, JUST BE CAREFUL.
THIS IS SOAMES'S TURF.
HIS BIKERS CAN SHOW UP AT ANY TIME.
[ Continues ] [ Man ] ALL RIGHT! [ Bikers Shouting, Laughing ] [ Rock On Radio ] [ All Shouting, Laughing ] STICK IT RIGHT IN THERE! COME ON! HEY, MAN, I'M TRYIN'.
I-- I JUST GO TOO DAMN MANY DISTRACTIONS.
HEY, LIGHTEN UP! ALL RIGHT.
HOLD THAT OLD BUZZARD STILL FOR A MINUTE.
ALL RIGHT! - [ Randy ] ALL RIGHT! - [ Laughing ] [ All Laughing, Cheering ] LOOKS LIKE THE GANG'S ALL HERE.
THAT'S THEM, ALL RIGHT.
I'D RECOGNIZE THOSE FRIENDLY VOICES ANYWHERE.
COLT, HOW ABOU THESE BIKES? WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY'RE RIDIN' DIRT BIKES INSTEAD OF HOGS? I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S BEEN BOTHERIN' ME EVER SINCE I DUMPED 'EM IN THE CREEK.
THEY PROBABLY USE 'EM TO RUN NARCOTICS ACROSS THE BACK ROADS, AVOIDIN' THE MAIN HIGHWAYS.
YEAH, THESE HOGS ARE OKAY ON ASPHAL BUT STRICTLY TABOO ON DIRT.
HEY, HOW CAN YOU RUN A BUSINESS LIKE THIS? WHAT KIND OF MONEY IS THIS ANYWAY, HUH? YOU JUST LEAVE US ALONE! WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU! - [ Shouts ] - [ All Laughing ] - WHAT'S THE MATTER, JODY? - I, UH, THINK I'M SCARED.
SOAMES AND HIS FRIENDS ARE PRETTY TOUGH, JODY, BUT YOU KNOW TRICKS THEY'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF.
JUST REMEMBER, BOTH OF YOU, THINK MEAN.
[ Growling ] [ Snarling ] YEAH.
NOT THAT MEAN.
[ Shouts ] [ Laughing ] - CAN'T YOU MAKE HIM STOP? HE'S YOUR MAN.
- HE DOES WHATEVER HE WANTS.
- [ Laughing ] - [ Muttering ] [ Man ] HEY, NOW! THIS MEAN WE'LL HAVE TROUBLE GETTIN' A BEER IN THIS PLACE? WHAT? MORE OF YOU? LOOKEE HERE.
A PARTY, AND NOBODY INVITED US.
HEY, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.
THIS IS A PRIVATE PARTY.
IF THAT'S ALL YOU GO BACKIN' YOU UP, MAN, YOU BEST GET ON OUTTA HERE.
WELL, NOW THAT'S FUNNY.
WE NEVER NEEDED ANYBODY ELSE TO HELP US BEFORE, DID WE, MAD DOG? CAME ALL THE WAY FROM TAOS LOOKIN' FOR TROUBLE, MAN.
SURE WOULDN'T MIND IF THESE SQUIRRELS OBLIGED.
GET US A BEER, DOG.
MADE FOR THROWIN', HUH? - GOOD BALANCE.
- [ Chuckles ] EASY, WADE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, MAN.
YOU'RE EITHER REAL BRAVE OR STUPID, PALLY.
YOU THINK YOU'RE REAL TOUGH, DON'T YOU? WELL, LET'S PUT I THIS WAY, PALLY.
I'D LIKE NOTHIN' BETTER THAN TO GO UP AGAINST YOUR BADDEST ON A BIKE.
WELL, YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT HIM.
WELL, GET DOWN.
[ Bikers Shouting, Whooping ] [ Man ] YOU OWN THIS GUY, RANDY! YOU SURE ABOUT THIS, PALLY? WELL, I'LL NEED A DIRT BIKE.
HELP YOURSELF, MY MAN.
COLT, IF THERE'S ONE THING THAT I LEARNED DURING MY YEAR A THE PSYCHOANALYTIC INSTITUTE, IT'S THAT IF RANDY WINS, HE'LL NEVER RESPECT YOU.
AND IF COLT WINS? WELL, RANDY'LL HATE HIM.
UNLESS-- YEAH? UNLESS YOU CAN WIN BIG.
I MEAN, REALLY BIG.
THEN RANDY MIGHT BE SO IMPRESSED THAT HE'LL FORGET TO BE MAD.
YOU KNOW, KID, WITH SUCH WISDOM AND ENCOURAGEMENT, HOW COULD I GO WRONG? YEAH.
WHOO! WHOO-HOO! [ All Cheering ] OKAY, BOYS, LET'S PLAY FOLLOW-THE-LEADER.
[ Randy ] ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO! AAAH! HEY! [ Randy ] SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM CROSSIN' THE BRIDGE? [ Colt ] ON THE GUARDRAIL? [ Man ] YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN'! [ Colt ] TRY AND FOLLOW ME.
[ Colt ] ANYTIME YOU'RE READY, PALLY.
YEAH! [ Randy ] YOU WERE SAYING? [ Colt ] HEY, IT AIN'T OVER YET.
WHAT'S NEXT, MAN? NOW WE'RE GONNA GO OVER THE NEXT BRIDGE.
[ Randy ] BRIDGE? I DON'T SEE NO BRIDGE.
[ Colt ] WE'RE GONNA MAKE AN AIR BRIDGE.
WHOA! OH! OH! [ Colt ] I BELIEVE THE CONTEST IS OVER, UNLESS YOU GO ANOTHER BIKE WITH YA.
WHOO! YEAH! HOW'D IT GO, COLT? I DON'T KNOW YET.
WHAT THE HELL YOU ALL LOOKIN' AT? YEAH, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE A REAL HEAVYWEIGHT AFTER ALL, HUH, MAN? OR REAL STUPID.
WELL, YOU SAID IT, HUH? LET'S GO GET DRUNK, MAN.
YOU GOT IT.
ALL RIGHT! [ All Shouting, Laughing ] [ Rock On Radio ] [ Chattering ] [ Man ] HEY, THIS IS FINE.
GOOD, HUH? [ Chattering Continues ] [ Grunting ] [ Howie ] THEN AFTER WE KNOCKED OVER THAT LIQUOR STORE IN BATON ROGUE, MAN, WE MOVED ON TO TULSA AND WENT ON A THREE-DAY BINGE.
[ Man ] GOT ANY MORE BREW, MAN? [ Man #2 ] YEAH.
MAN, WE REALLY HAD THE COPS IN TULSA BUFFALOED.
[ Laughs ] IT WAS LIKE THE TWO OF US OWNED THE TOWN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, MAN? [ Chuckles ] THEN THERE WAS THAT TIME DOWN IN PHOENIX-- [ Randy ] TWO OF YA? YOU MEAN THE LITTLE GIRL HASN'T BEEN RIDIN' WITH YOU THAT LONG? OH, JODY? HUH.
JODY, WHERE WAS I WE FOUND YOU ANYWAY, HUH? BAKERSFIELD.
YEAH, SOUTH OF BAKERSFIELD.
YEAH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER? [ Chuckles ] GUYS LIKE TAOS AND I DON'T REMEMBER NOTHIN'.
YOU TRYIN' TO SAY YOU DON'T REMEMBER WHERE YOU FOUND ME? IS THERE A REASON I SHOULD? THINKING'S ONE THING YOU'VE NEVER DONE WELL.
TAOS, IF YOU EVER GET TIRED OF THIS LITTLE GIRL, GIVE ME A JINGLE.
[ Laughs ] [ Wade ] RANDY! DON'T YOU TWO GUYS GOT SOMEPLACE YOU GOTTA GO? HEY, COME ON.
WE'RE JUST GETTIN' TIGHT.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
MAD DOG AND I-- WE NEVER LIKE TO STAY IN ONE SPOT TOO LONG.
UH, ALL THEM PEOPLE AFTER US-- AW, SHOOT.
WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU'RE RIDIN' WITH RANDY SOAMES! - NOBODY'S GONNA TOUCH YOU WITH ME! - UH, I DON'T KNOW.
AW, STICK AROUND.
WE HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO SHARE A GOOD FIGHT YET, HUH? AW, RANDY, WE CAN'T HAVE OUTSIDERS HANGIN' AROUND, YOU KNOW? YOU FORGET WE GOT SOME BUSINESS TO DO TOMORROW? WE'LL TAKE TAOS WITH US.
HE'D BE A GOOD MAN TO HAVE IN A SPOT, HUH? COME HERE, BABY.
NOW YOU JUS MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
BE MY GUEST.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, DOG? IT'S ALL RIGH WITH ME, TAOS.
THE PLACE LOOKS, UH, NICE AND CLEAN.
RANDY, YOU'RE A REAL SMOOTH TALKER.
YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL.
[ Laughs ] [ Shudders ] HOW CAN ANY WOMAN STAY WITH A MAN LIKE THAT? WELL, AT LEAS SHE CAN GET HIM ALONE.
WHICH IS WHAT WE GOTTA DO.
OH, LORD, NOT AGAIN! OH! [ Chuckles ] LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT HER TRAINED.
YEAH, SHE DON'T LIKE TO PARTY, MAN.
WHAT KINDA BUSINESS WE DOIN' HERE, RANDY? WELL, YOU SEE, THIS IS A VERY DELICATE TRANSACTION.
ALWAYS IS WHEN YOU'RE DEALIN' WITH COCAINE.
- WE BUYIN' OR SELLIN', MAN? - WELL, FIRST WE'RE GONNA SELL IT, AND THEN WE'RE GONNA STEAL IT BACK.
[ Laughs ] THEN WE'RE GONNA WASTE 'EM.
[ Chuckles ] I LOVE THE WAY YOU DO BUSINESS, MAN.
OH, YEAH.
UH-HUH.
COLT, HEY, WE CAN' GET INVOLVED IN A DRUG DEAL, LET ALONE A DOUBLE-CROSS.
NO KIDDING.
NOT TO MENTION IF ONE OF THESE LUNATICS KILLS SOMEBODY.
YEAH, ESPECIALLY US.
MAYBE WE CAN MAKE 'EM THINK IT'S A BUST AND SCARE 'EM OFF.
WELL, HOW ARE WE GONNA DO THAT? I DON'T KNOW.
JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.
- HERE THEY COME.
- OKAY, BE COOL.
DON'T DO ANYTHING TILL YOU SEE THE MONEY.
- YOU KEPT US WAITING.
- LET'S SEE THE MERCHANDISE.
AH, NOW THIS IS THE HIGHEST GRADE NOSE CANDY A DEALER CAN BUY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'LL SEE THE COKE WHEN WE SEE THE 25 GRAND.
- SURE.
NO PROBLEM.
- LOOK OUT, RANDY! HE'S GO A GUN! THEY'RE FEDERAL AGENTS! GEEZ, HE DOES HAVE A GUN.
WE'RE THE F.
B.
I.
! DON'T SHOOT, RANDY.
YOU'LL HAVE THE FEDS ON YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! [ Bikers Cheering ] [ Randy ] WELL, ALL RIGHT! YEAH! TO A FLAMING DEATH! HELL ON WHEELS! [ All Cheering ] WHOO! PRETTY GIRL! AND TO OUR NEW FRIEND, TAOS.
NOT JUST FOR SAVIN' MY SKIN, BUT THE COKE, MAN! [ All Cheering ] [ Randy Laughing ] YOU MADE ME PROUD, TAOS.
- FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE MY BROTHER.
- [ All Cheering ] YOU RIDE WITH RANDY SOAMES, BABY.
HUH? ALL RIGHT! HOLD IT, RANDY.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO, MAN? THIS DUDE COMES IN HERE OUT OF NOWHERE, AND YOU JUST TAKE HIM IN, HUH? THAT COKE DEAL WENT DOWN BAD TODAY, MAN.
REAL BAD! AND YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? I THINK WE WERE SET UP.
SET UP? NOW WHO WOULD SET US UP, HUH? ONE OF US.
- ONE OF US.
- WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU THINK TAOS SET YOU UP, AFTER WHAT HE DID FOR YOU, MAN? YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, BROTHER.
AFTER WHAT YOU DID TODAY, YOU'RE ABOUT THE ONLY ONE I CAN TRUST AROUND HERE.
IT'S THE REST OF YOU LUNATICS I GOTTA WATCH.
HUH, BABY? I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.
COME HERE, SUGAR.
LATER ON, BROTHER.
[ Chuckles ] RANDY, YOU DON'T REALLY THINK ANYBODY IN THE GANG WOULD TURN, DO YA? WADE'S PRETTY HIP, BUT SOMETHING'S GOIN' DOWN.
AW, COLT, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.
IT'S GONNA BE HARDER THAN EVER TO GET RANDY ALONE NOW.
WHY DON'T WE JUS GRAB HIM TONIGH AND GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE? YEAH, KID, GO AHEAD AND TRY.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU, BUT I DON'T LOOK FORWARD TO TAKIN' THIS WHOLE GANG ON.
BUT IF RANDY'LL TRUST ME, MAYBE I WON'T HAVE TO.
THAT WAS TAKEN WITH A TELEPHOTO LENS OUT IN MOJAVE JUST BEFORE HE BROKE UP AN OPERATION IT TOOK US MONTHS TO SET UP.
AND YOU THINK COLT SEAVERS DELIBERATELY FOULED UP YOUR OPERATION.
NO, NO, NO.
WE'RE NOT ACCUSING ANYBODY OF ANYTHING, MS.
JACK.
BUT THE FACT REMAINS SEAVERS DID COME INTO THE BUREAU ASKING SOME VERY SUSPICIOUS QUESTIONS.
AND NOW HE'S RUNNING WITH THE SOAMES GANG.
YOU LISTEN TO ME.
COLT'S NOT RUNNING WITH ANYONE.
HE'S WORKING FOR ME, TRYING TO BRING RANDY SOAMES TO JUSTICE.
WHICH, I MIGHT ADD, IS SOMETHING MORE THAN YOU PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO.
MS.
JACK, WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO BRING TO JUSTICE IS THE WHOLE GANG.
WE WERE GATHERING EVIDENCE TO DO I WHEN YOUR FRIEND INTERFERED.
WE HAD NO IDEA SEAVERS COULD PENETRATE THE GANG.
AND THE NEXT TIME WE RUN INTO MR.
SEAVERS ON THIS CASE, WE WON'T LET HIM GET IN OUR WAY.
GENTLEMEN, I KNOW YOUR OPERATIONS.
YOU CAN WORK THREE YEARS ON A CASE, AND THEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENS.
BELIEVE ME, MS.
JACK, THAT'S NOT THE CASE HERE-- NOT WITH THE INFORMAN WE'VE GOT IN THE GANG.
AN INFORMANT WHOSE VERY LIFE MIGHT BE IN DANGER RIGHT NOW AND NOTHING AT ALL WE CAN DO TO HELP.
WELL, IF THAT'S THE CASE, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? YES, THAT WOULD APPEAR TO HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE ON OUR PART.
I ASSURE YOU, IF COLT SEAVERS KNEW YOU ALREADY HAD SOMEBODY THERE, HE'D NEVER ENDANGER HIM.
IF YOU SHOULD HEAR FROM MR.
SEAVERS-- I'LL CONVEY YOUR MESSAGE.
YOU CAN COUNT ON IT.
THANK YOU.
[ Rock, Indistinct ] THIS TIME I GOT IT RIGHT - YOU SURE ABOUT THIS DEAL, TAOS? - HEY, MAN, LOOK.
MAD DOG AND I-- WE-- WE KNOW SOME REAL HEAVY GUYS, MAN.
RIGHT, MAD DOG? RIGHT.
REAL HEAVY, MAN.
NOW, YOU SEE, THAT F.
B.
I.
CAPER-- THAT COST YOU-- US A BUNCH OF HEAVY CHANGE.
ANYWAY, THE PEOPLE WE KNOW WILL PAY EVEN MORE.
WE COULD WIND UP WITH ENOUGH TO PARTY WITH LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER PARTIED BEFORE.
[ Chuckling ] AH, PARTY.
MUSIC TO MY EARS.
- GO MAKE YOUR CALL, BABE.
- WISE MAN, RANDY.
YEAH.
[ Phone Dings ] OKAY, YOU RUFFIAN, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, OR I'LL BLAST YOUR TAIL FEATHERS OFF.
HI THERE.
YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE COMIN' BACK HERE ALONE.
LOOK, MA'AM, I DON' HAVE MUCH TIME.
I'M JUS TRYIN' TO GET THE POLICE.
POLICE? HA! THEY'RE NEVER AROUND WHEN YOU WANT 'EM.
AND I DON'T NEED NO POLICE.
- PREY ON A HELPLESS OLD WOMAN, WOULD YA? - WAIT, PLEASE, MA'AM.
I'M NOT GONNA PREY ON ANYBODY.
THERE'S A DANGEROUS FUGITIVE OUTSIDE, AND I'M JUST TRYIN' TO GET THE POLICE, SO THEY CAN COME AND ARREST HIM.
I PAID $65 FOR OLD BESSIE HERE, AND I'M GONNA SEE THAT I GET MY MONEY'S WORTH.
- EASY, MA'AM.
THAT-THAT-THA THING MIGHT JUST GO OFF.
- DON'T YOU CALL ME MA'AM.
PLEASE BELIEVE ME! WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY EVER BELIEVE ME? THAT WOMAN'S GOT A GUN! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! [ Motorcycles Revving ] [ Man ] HEY, RANDY, I GOT A FANNY FULL OF BUCKSHOT! WHO CARES, MAN? DO WE HAVE A BUYER? YEAH, I MADE THE PHONE CALL.
EVERYTHING'S SET UP.
WELL, ALL RIGHT! LET'S GO PARTY A LITTLE BIT, Y'ALL! WHOO! COME ON, TAOS! EVERYBODY, GRAB A BOTTLE.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT! TAOS! COME ON! LET'S GET DOWN! YEAH, RANDY, RIGHT THERE.
ALL RIGHT.
[ Bikers Whooping, Chattering ] YOU KNOW, I'M STARTIN' TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE BIKERS SEE IN ALL THIS-- CLEAN AIR, THE WIND IN YOUR HAIR.
POLICE AFTER YOU, HAVIN' TO FIGH ALL THE TIME.
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
THERE ARE SOME PRETTY BIG DRAWBACKS.
TOO BAD WE CAN'T CONVINCE RANDY TO QUIT AS EASY AS THAT.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER? - I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S CONVINCING.
JUST ONCE I'D LIKE TO TASTE SOMETHING WITHOU GETTING A MOUTHFUL OF HAIR.
TAOS? RANDY WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU WANTED SOMETHIN'.
YOU.
I KNOW YOU.
I KNOW YOUR FACE.
EASY, NOW, MADDY.
WE CAN EXPLAIN.
YOU CAME AFTER RANDY.
YOU'RE THE ONE.
WAIT A MINUTE! BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING, AT LEAST HEAR US OUT.
ALL I GOTTA DO IS YELL AND YOU'VE HAD IT, MR.
WHOEVER-YOU-REALLY-ARE.
WE'RE BOUNTY HUNTERS, I ADMI IT.
AND WE'RE AFTER RANDY.
YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT.
LOOK, HE'S CHARGED WITH SOME PRETTY SERIOUS CRIMES-- RAPE, ASSAULT, DRUG-DEALING.
OUR JOB IS TO SEE THA HE STANDS TRIAL.
THAT'S ALL.
NOW, IF HE'S NOT GUILTY-- OH, HE'S GUILTY, ALL RIGHT.
HE ALWAYS IS.
HE'S GUILTY OF THINGS HE HASN' EVEN BEEN ARRESTED FOR YET.
- AND YOU LET HIM GET AWAY WITH IT? - WHO SAYS I AM? - WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - IT DOESN'T MATTER.
NOTHING MATTERS, EXCEPT RANDY'S MINE.
DON'T YOU GET IT? HE'S ALL I GOT.
AND YOU'RE CRAZY IF YOU THINK I'D EVER HELP YOU! OH, MADDY.
I'VE SEEN HOW HE TREATS YOU.
- YOU CALL THAT LOVE? - YOU DON'T HAVE TO HELP US.
JUST LET US DO OUR JOB.
MADDY, THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST BEING SOMETHING THAT RANDY THINKS HE OWNS.
YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW? BOO! [ Laughs ] WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? THE PARTY'S IN HERE, MADDY.
WHAT'S ALL THE TALKIN' GOIN' ON OUT HERE? HEY, COME HERE! MATTER OF FACT, MADDY WAS JUST HELPIN' US FIGURE SOMETHIN' OUT.
HUH! I'VE SET UP THE BUY IN AN OLD ABANDONED TOWN.
ONCE WE GET THERE, AIN'T NOBODY GONNA SEE US.
[ Chuckles ] YOU'RE SOMETHIN' ELSE, MAN.
YOU ARE A REAL BROTHER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HMM? YEAH, RANDY, I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU MEAN.
YOU TOO, YOU LITTLE BEAUTY.
MMM.
[ Chuckles ] COME ON! WE GONNA PARTY! LET'S GO! SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
DO YOU THINK SHE BOUGHT IT? - I WOULDN'T HAVE.
- SHE BOUGHT IT.
[ Motorcycles Revving ] SCOOBY-DOOBY-DO-BOP A-WHOOP-BAM-BOOM WELL, LET'S HIT IT! I HOPE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOIN'.
JODY, DID YOU EVER SEE ME GO ONTO A SET WITHOU HAVING MY STUNTS PREPARED? [ Jody ] COLT, ISN'T THIS THE TOWN THAT THE MOVIE COMPANY'S GONNA BLOW UP? [ Colt ] YEP, AND IF THAT DOESN'T SPLI THE GANG UP, NOTHIN' WILL.
[ Rock On Radio ] LAST TIME I SAW 'EM, MY FRIENDS WERE HOLED UP AROUND THE CORNER THERE.
PRETTY SMART BUNCH, TAKIN' OVER THEIR OWN TOWN.
[ All Chattering ] [ Rock Continues ] HEY, WADE! HEY, MAN, DO ME A FAVOR.
CHANGE THAT STATION.
IF I HEAR THAT TUNE ONE MORE TIME-- GO AHEAD.
[ Channels Changing ] [ Man On Radio ] DON'T CALL ME LUCKY HEY, WADE.
COME ON, MAN.
CAN'T YOU GET SOMETHIN' ELSE ON THAT THING? [ Howie ] SWITCH OVER TO F.
M.
- I LIKE STEREO WHEN I RIDE.
- ONLY A FOOL WOULD MAKE THAT MISTAKE.
- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? - IT'S THE FEDS! THEY'RE AFTER US! LET'S GO! RANDY, IT CAN'T BE THE F.
B.
I.
! IT'S A TRICK! RANDY! EVERYBODY SCATTER! WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'? WE HAVE TO STAY HERE AND HELP COLT.
WE'VE GOTTA GET THE DETONATORS.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO CONTROL THE EXPLOSIONS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOIN' ON.
WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'? IT'S ALL RIGHT, LOUIE.
IT'S ME, HOWIE.
SEE? LOOK.
SEE? HOWIE.
HERE ARE THE DETONATORS.
WE JUST TRANSFERRED TO SPECIAL EFFECTS.
COME ON, JODY.
LET'S GET UP ON THE BALCONY.
- THEY GOT US SURROUNDED! - JUST KEEP 'EM TURNING AROUND.
DON'T LET ANYONE OUT OF TOWN.
YEAH! [ Howie ] THERE'S ONE GOING OU THROUGH THE BARN! GET HIM! [ Jody ] GET READY, HOWIE! HERE COMES COLT! GET ON, RANDY.
I CAN'T LET YOU HURT HIM! I'LL HANDLE IT, HOWIE.
YOU DON'T GET IT! I MADE A DEAL WITH THE F.
B.
I.
! WHAT? THE GANG-- IT USED TO BE JUST FUN, KICKS.
THEN WE GOT GUNS, AND I WAS AFRAID FOR RANDY.
I WAS AFRAID HE WAS GONNA KILL SOMEBODY AND I'D LOSE HIM FOREVER.
SO YOU SET HIM UP? YOU MADE A DEAL WITH THE F.
B.
I.
? I FIGURED IT'D BE SAFER FOR ALL OF US.
WE'D BE SAFER IN JAIL.
AND AFTER WE GOT OUT, MAYBE RANDY AND I COULD, LIKE, START AGAIN.
[ Maddy Crying ] HEY, LOOK.
I'M SORRY, MADDY.
WE DIDN'T COME HERE TO RUIN YOUR DREAM.
COLT WON'T HURT RANDY.
[ Groans ] JUST LIKE I SAID, MAN.
YEAH, YOU ARE THE BEST.
THAT MAY BE, RANDY, BUT THAT'S ONLY 'CAUSE I'M REALLY A HOLLYWOOD STUNTMAN AND A BOUNTY HUNTER JUST CLOSIN' A CASE.
[ Sirens Wailing ] [ Humming ] [ Howie ] COME ON, JODY.
THE SHOW'S ON RIGHT NOW.
YOU'RE GONNA MISS COLT'S STUNT.
WHAT? WHAT'RE YOU ALL DOIN' IN MY BATHROOM? COLT, THIS IS OUTSIDE.
WHEN I'M TAKIN' A BATH, THIS IS MY BATHROOM.
- YOU'RE ALSO EATING.
IS THIS YOUR KITCHEN? - AND WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? YOU'LL NEVER GUESS.
THE F.
B.
I.
WAS SO IMPRESSED THAT THEY WANT YOU TO SHOW THEM HOW TO SET UP THEIR OWN BIKER GANG TO GO UNDERCOVER.
- WELL, TELL 'EM TO FORGET IT.
- FORGET IT? [ Howie ] THINK ABOUT IT, COLT-- A TEAM OF HOLLYWOOD STUNTMEN WORKING UNDERCOVER WITH THE F.
B.
I.
WHAT IS THAT? A POLICE JOB OR A TV SERIES? DOES THAT MEAN THAT YOU DON' WANT THIS RETAINER CHECK THAT AGENT GRAHAM LEFT? HE WANTS IT.
HE WANTS IT.
HEY, THIS ISN'T EVEN SCALE FOR A CAR CRASH.
YOU COULD MAKE MORE MONEY FALLIN' OFF A HORSE.
YEAH, AND OUR BULLETS AREN'T REAL.
UH-UH.
GIVE IT BACK TO THE F.
B.
I.
TELL 'EM TO-- WELL, TELL 'EM TO PUT IT ON DEPOSIT.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THINGS MIGHT SLOW DOWN.
THIS IS IT! I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL.
[ Big Jack ] IT'S AMAZING HOW WELL JIMMY BROLIN MOVES.
I DIDN'T KNOW HE COULD DO STUNTS THAT WELL.
HE MUST BE IN GREAT SHAPE.
HEY, NO! THAT-THAT-THAT'S ME! ME! RIGHT THERE! THAT'S ME! ME! OH, COME ON, COLT.
THAT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE YOU.
THAT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T SHOW MY FACE.
NOPE.
THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT YOUR FACE.
[ Big Jack ] HE'S ABSOLUTELY AMAZING! I'D SWEAR THAT WAS JIMMY BROLIN AND NOT YOU.
BIG JACK, THAT'S WHAT THEY PAY ME FOR-- NOT TO BE ME.
IT'S THE FATE OF THE STUNTMAN-- ALL THE GUTS AND NONE OF THE GLORY.
- [ Laughing ] - WELL, THAT HAS ITS ADVANTAGES, KID.
- IT DOES? - SURE.
I MEAN, I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ALL THOSE INTERVIEWS AND THE FAME AND THE FANS AND THE MONEY AND THE GLAMOUR.
I MEAN, THOSE PEOPLE-- THEY'RE-- THEY'RE NOT REAL HAPPY PEOPLE.
YOU WOULDN'T TRADE? WHAT, AND GIVE UP ALL THIS? [ Man ] FALL GUY IS A GLEN LARSON PRODUCTION.