The Fast Show s03e08 Episode Script

Day eight - white-water rafting.
- Yee-hah! - This is a river.
One tough bitch.
A swirling, raging, thrashing torrent of screaming water.
- Screaming water.
- And I choose my words carefully, because she's upturned the boat of many a clown who tried to tame her.
You must respect the river if you want to come out of her alive.
You must respect her, understand her (LAUGHS) He's in! That's a tenner you owe me, Baz.
(CAR ACCELERATES) (EXPLOSION) The African tiger.
Did it ever exist? I mean (MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY) .
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in the Swedish quarter of town.
.
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immensely pleasurable.
.
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made by elves in a tiny workshop.
(ULULATES) .
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and (SCREAMS), like that, and it sprang open in my mouth.
.
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they puff out to three times their natural size and eject the hairs on their back like this - (WHISTLES).
This season I will be mostly wearing taffeta cut on the boils.
Every long ball hoofed upfield has been mopped up by Tottenham's Sol Campbell.
Absolutely right.
If Leeds United persist in this folly, they are barking up the wrong tree and flogging a dead horse.
Oh-ho! Flogging a dead horse? Flogging a wild horse? Flogging a mad cow! You know? BSE? Ooh.
Do you know what they do with the cows they kill? - Do you mind if I digress for a moment? - Be my guest.
They mince them up whole and boil the mess until it separates into grey muck, dirty water and tallow floating on the top.
And that tallow they use in the cosmetics industry, which is another good reason not to kiss girls! This is a very young landscape, forced up out of the North Sea by massive volcanic activity.
Yet at the same time, it is a very ancient landscape.
This is what our planet would have looked like when it was first created.
These rocks I'm sorry.
I've just come.
These rocks Oh.
No, I've just come again.
I think I'll go back to the hotel.
Sorry.
(THUNDER) (MELODRAMATIC MUSIC) Naseem to stop him in the fourth.
He's flamboyant, but he's a good boy.
Monster! I can't decide whether to take the firming cream, as well.
Well, my advice would be not to bother.
Not with those, umbreasts.
It'll just be throwing good money after bad.
Complete waste of time.
No offence.
Unless you were planning it as a gift.
Great fun! Oh, yes (MUMBLES) .
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''and smite thee down thine enemies with a sword stick.
'' .
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in some dark corner of the human soul.
(GENTLE PIANO MUSIC) - This is nice.
- Most delightsome.
- Have you been here before? - Once, when I was restaurant critic for the ''Sunday Times''.
- Oh! - Only joking.
It was the ''Monday Times''.
- The ''Tuesday Times''.
- Would you like to order wine, sir? - Yes, we'll push the boat out, shall we? - Red or white? Don't you have any other colours? A nice magnolia? A vibrant green? Orange with purple spots.
Stop it, Colin! You've gone quite mad.
Bottle of house white, please.
Thank you, sir.
(NO ONE APPLAUDS) - I wish I could play the piano.
- I can.
Can you? Gosh, Colin, you're full of surprises.
Yes, I was playing the piano last night.
Beat it in three straight sets! - Tennis.
- Oh! Only joking.
It was badminton.
Oh, Colin, you're such a tease.
You know, the office would be much duller without you.
You're like a little sunbeam.
Then, allow me to shine, Doreen.
- (CHAIR CREAKS) - Ooh, pardon! Oh, Colin.
I don't think Don't worry.
I'm fully inoculated.
(BEGINS TO PLAY) (FLAT NOTE) Every time we say goodbye I die a little Goodbye! Uh! Oh! Every time we say goodbye Come on.
We know what you've been doing.
There's no point holding out.
I'm not telling any more.
I've told you, you're wasting your breath.
I'm sorry.
I I seem to have lost my list of Russian spies.
Oh, I've got one.
Here, hidden in me shoe.
A-ha! Shit.
Right.
Day eight, part two.
Lyndsay here.
I was only 'aving a laugh.
I didn't know he'd get washed away.
We've come down here to find him.
The rescue people'll get him.
You rang 'em, Baz? - (BAZ) I thought you did.
- Oh, er I was only 'aving a laugh.
He was wearing his life jacket, anyway.
He's fat.
He'll float.
He's a good swimmer, you know.
- What more can I say? - (BAZ) Er, Lyndsay Lyndsay You bastard! You know I can't swim! Ah! Oh! What have you done to my head? What have you done to my bloody head.
Baz? - He's stuck an axe in it.
- What?! - I stuck an axe in it.
- You stuck an axe in my head?! Yeah.
What? Through my hat? - The famous hat? - Sorry, mate.
You stuck an axe through the famous hat?! Yeah.
- What's it look like? - It looks quite good, actually.
(CHORTLES) Let's go down the pub, then.
The axe! The hat! The famous! (MUMBLES) .
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two tons of angry warthog .
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you can, of course, fry them and eat them .
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they, of course, eat the male after copulation .
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why don't we all just go and get very, very drunk? I love football.
It's great, isn't it? I can't think why I didn't get into it sooner.
I'm really looking forward to the World Cup.
When is that again? To see Brazil and Germany in action.
What a treat! - And England.
- Oh? No, I'm not that interested in England.
They don't stand much of a chance, do they? No, I think I'll give Germany my full support.
They've got a good chance of getting in the final, and they won last time.
Aqua Libra? Someone's sitting there, mate.
And we shall all miss her dearly.
None more so than Edward, who shall be in all our thoughts and prayers.
And now here is Lord Mayhew to say a few words.
(CLEARS THROAT) Yes, erEsther Actually, I can't really add anything to what SimonI'm sorry, Reverend Archer, has said, except to saywell, nothing.
Esther always wanted her favourite song played at herin the event of her umat the service.
Um And we did have a tape cassette player lined up, but, as always with these things, it doesn't appear to be working, so in the absence of technology, I shall attempt to sing the song for her.
Mr Peebles has kindly offered to accompany me on the organ.
Um He's not overly familiar with this song, so perhaps if any of you do know the words, you may care to join in.
(ORGAN MUSIC BEGINS) Maybe I didn't treat you Quite as good as I should have Maybe I didn't love you Quite as often as I should have Little things I should have said and done I just never took the time You were always on my mind (CONGREGATION) # You were always on my mind # Me, the 13th Duke of Wybourne, here, in a mortuary, at three o'clock in the morning, with my reputation? Are they quite mad? Oh, well There's no love song finer But how strange the change from major to (FLAT) minor (FLAT) # Minor (FLAT) # Minor min # It's on here somewhere (PLAYS SCALE) Bono estente, kiddies! Y bono estente, Mr Hoppy! - (SQUEAKILY) Bono estente, kiddies! - Pococopolos doncomus salvador mia.
Poco pinipico volko troupo vishta verikrishti.
Splendido, eh, Mr Hoppy? Postip piar charismargi piggy.
Oh, Mr Hoppy! OK, maintenento por ton kiddies ton tellytello, ''Ton Singingen Ringingen Bingingen Tingingen Plinkingen Plonkingen Boinging Triee''.
(WOMAN SOBS) Incontinenta e sesial, Rollo.
Regarda ton Singingen Ringingen Bingingen Plingingen Tingingen Plinkingen Plonkingen Boinging Triee (TINKLES AND CHIRPS) (PHONE RINGS) (MUSICAL CAR HORN) (BOING!) (FANFARE) Oh! Mia papino! Oh, mio sweetheart! (STEPS PLAY NOTES) (PLAYS ''CARS'' BY GARY NUMAN) (CACKLES) Tu stupido slapper! Perry como darishtro bash mi batada! Tordy chesty van stupa bagelis? Nem, nem! Begon digusta demonessa sausage dog.
Io, Prince Alvin Flap, tu morte! A-ha! (BRIDGE PLAYS ''CARS'') Hethethetheth hethetheth.
Noono abba ton Singingen Ringingen Bingingen Plingingen Tingingen Plinkingen Plonkingen Boinging Triee! Ooh! Utterly butterly! (CACKLES) Tue lue big chop.
Hally fiyahar! Follyholly Chris Waddle! Oh! Mio morte! Oh! Mio sweetheart! Rollocks! Weren't yesterday brilliant? Fantastic, weren't it? Tomorrow'll be great, as well.
Today's all right, but it's got nowt on yesterday.
There was just something brilliant about it.
It was even better than last Wednesday, which started off brilliant, tailed off a bit, then picked up again.
But yesterday was just solid, 100%, relentless, all-day, non-stop brilliant! Fantastic! Brilliant! I kept going, ''This is too brilliant!'' If you asked me, I couldn't put my finger on why it was so brilliant.
It just was.
It was just good.
See, that wouldn't have happened yesterday.
Every time we say good .
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bye (MUSICAL FLOURISH) (FLAT NOTE) Thank you.
I'll now play a number by Paul McCartney entitled ''Could You Leave Now, Sir?'' Come along, Doreen.
Fish and chipsagain.
Quick! Come on, girls! Come on! Come on! Up here! Good girls! Go on! Customer, Toni! A customer! She's a girl, a woman.
She's beautiful! She wants to ask about the Peugeot.
What would be your ideal night out with a lady, Paul? - She wants to ask you about the Peugeot.
- Never pressurise the customer.
- Yeah, but - Let her look.
She may find something she likes better, something more expensive.
- Toni - So, tell me, your ideal night out.
Er I dunno.
Maybe we'd go down the pub No.
Can I stop you there? You've fallen at the first fence.
You do not take a lady down the pub.
You take her to the finest restaurant, where you eat the best food, freshly prepared by an award-winning chef.
You drink fine wines.
Then you take her to your hotel, the best hotel in town.
You carry her to your room, where there are Belgian chocolates, fine wines, quality champagne on ice, satin sheets on the bed, maybe a poem on the pillow, a single red rose.
Then, slowly and gently, you undress her, but keep your own clothes on because nobody likes to see a man nude.
Then you do what men and women have done since the dawn of time, only you must make her feel that what you are doing there has never been done before.
She's going, Toni.
She's going! Let her go.
Sometimes you've just got to have the courage to let a woman go out of your life.
- You can't just - For God's sake, Paul! Do you not realise? I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Hello there.
After a long career in the music halls, in which Arthur Atkinson made money but no friends, he was asked to appear in a play written by playwright Samuel Beckett.
Beckett was a fan of Arthur's and thought he would be perfect to play Hogg, a lowly, bitter, pinched wizened git.
Strange that, isn't it? The film was shot by the BBC in 1972 by the legendary child cameraman Little John Moore, who operated his camera from a special high chair where he'd also take his meals.
Anyway, here's Arthur.
(RADIO) In the year of our Lord 1920, '30, '40, Geraldine Wandsworth, Poundsworth, Bondsworth, Poundsworth, Banks and Moneyworth, the buses will be met, so we must leave no stone unturned, turned, turned, unturned, turned, turned, all around the flat, unfolding, flailing, unfeelingly kneeling by the ceiling, stealing, feeling, bobbing, bobbing, bobbing up and down like a banananananananana Begin, then, Hogg.
Begin again.
At the end.
One beginning after another.
Right! I'm going down the pub.
- Can I help you, sir? - Yes, I've got a charity ball.
- Could you recommend a suit? - Ooh! A charity ball! Suit you, sir.
- Will there be dancing, sir? - I imagine so.
Oh.
The old dances are the best, aren't they? The charleston, the foxtrot, the tango, the gay gordon, sir.
- The maiden's surprise.
- The French girl's button.
- The salesman's hornpipe.
- The fishwife's gratification.
- The plucked chicken.
- The shaved spatchcock.
- The surprised sheep.
- The slippery chap.
The lazy beaver.
- The hairy treat.
- ''Look out, milady.
My sack is a-swinging.
'' I don't dance.
I've got a dodgy knee.
What about the old songs? ''Ooh, Dolly, You've Given Me The Horn.
'' ''My Johnny Sailed Over The Ocean And I'm Left On The Spin Dryer With Only A Sponge Finger.
'' Oh! Suit you! In Devon, there's this little old lady who sells her garden produce from outside her house, and you leave the right money in the tin, but, unfortunately, I didn't have any change, so we had it all for free, which was nice.
We must implement these cuts with the least possible damage to the hospital's image.
Whatever's decided, we'd better be quick.
The longer we take, the worse the backlash will be.
We've gotta come up with a strategy that's fair to everyone bloody soon.
Look, it's just an idea, but I'm thinking tactically here.
Why don't we poll the older members of staff? I'm sure that enough of them would welcome early retirement.
That way, the cuts won't affect the rest of the facilities, and cause the minimum of damage.
Look, it's just an idea, but I'm thinking tactically here.
Why don't we poll the older members of staff? I'm sure many would welcome early retirement.
That way, the cuts won't affect the rest of the facilities, and cause the minimum of damage.
That's a great idea.
I love that approach.
You've got a sharp mind.
Let's have a drink.
Can any of you actually hear me? #By a moonlight shadow #He passed on worried and warning # Carried away by a moonlight shadow #Lost in a river that Saturday # Hey! How you doin'? My name is Dave Angel.
Welcome to my little home.
This is the front room.
I've had great times here with friends, having a natter, watching the football.
It was in this very room we watched England win the World Cup.
I'd have gone to the game, but some people wanted to interview me around then.
Yeah, I was a bit of a tearaway.
If it wasn't nailed down, I'd have it away.
But as you get older, you grow up, your priorities change.
Hey, Dave! Enough about then.
What about now? I want to give you a word to try on for size.
The word is ''naturism''.
Firstly, it means getting your kit off.
Now, today I'm wearing a simple thong.
There might be kids watching, but normally at this time I'd be au naturel, or to put it another away, stark bollock naked.
If you're interested in naturism, write to me at Dave Angel's Naturist Hideaway, 16 Paris Drive, Braintree, Essex 2RB.
For crying out loud, Shirley! What are you doin'? This is about naturism, badminton on the beach and all that caper.
You're dressed up like a dog's dinner.
Get out of it! I don't reckon we're going to see world peace in my lifetime.
I'm sorry, but I just don't.
Tough.
- Thank you, Simon.
Lovely service.
- Thank you.
Lovely words.
- I'd better see where Ted's got to.
- Goodbye.
Yes, I'm sorry about the song, Ted.
Why, sir? Mrs Ted would have appreciated it.
Well, I don't really have a very good singing voice, I'm afraid.
I wouldn't know about that, sir.
No No Ted, I know there's really nothing anyone can say under these circumstances - it's just so many words - but I remember you were very kind when my m when my mother died.
You said something which has remained with me ever since.
It was a great comfort at the time andit still is.
You said That's quite extraordinary, Ted.
Er I've completely forgotten.
My mind is a total blank.
It was, ersomething aboutpotatoes.
- Potatoes, sir? - Yes, you know, erm spring and the new life coming from the old, and the great cycle of life and death, andand things sort of sprouting up out of the ground.
Oh.
Yes, or maybe it was cabbages.
But, see What I'm saying, Ted, is trying to say is that, um Mrs Ted will live on through your children and your grandchildren.
Mrs Ted thought it was a shame that you didn't have children of your own, sir.
Yes, well this land is my legacy, Ted.
I will live on through the work we have done together here, the trees and the shrubs and the flowers that we have planted .
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that you have planted.
I think of those as our children, Ted.
I think I should be getting back to work, sir.
- The drainage in the lower field - Oh, bugger the drainage in the lower field! I'm sorry.
I Sorry, Ted, but you really you don't need to work today.
Well, it's like you say, sir, you know - life goes on.
Yes, well Well, what about the wake? I'd rather be alone, sir, to collect my thoughts.
Yes, very well, Ted.
Welllet me walk you to the house.
Thank you, sir.