The King of Queens s08e03 Episode Script

Consummate Professional

HEY.
HI, HONEY.
WHAT'S IN THE BAG? OH, JUST SOME LEFTOVER CAKE THE GUYS SURPRISED ME WITH TODAY 'CAUSE IT'S, UH MY TENTH ANNIVERSARY AT I.
P.
S.
WOW! REALLY? YEP.
I'VE BEEN IN A MEDIOCRE JOB FOR A REAL LONG TIME.
GIVE IT UP! I GOTTA SAY, BETWEEN THAT AND NOT FINISHING THE CAKE ON THE DRIVE HOME, YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO BE PROUD OF, MY FRIEND.
WAIT, TODAY'S YOUR TENTH ANNIVERSARY? SHOULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN, LIKE, 3 MONTHS AGO? UH NO.
NO, IT'S TODAY.
CAKE DOES NOT LIE, YOU KNOW? UNLESS IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY CAKE.
THAT BABY'S SEEN 29 CANDLES MORE THAN ONCE, AM I RIGHT? HA HA HA! I THINK I AM.
NO, NO.
I REMEMBER EXACTLY WHEN YOU STARTED AT I.
P.
S.
BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN WE STARTED DATING- SUMMER OF '95.
REMEMBER, YOU DIDN'T SHOWER MUCH 'CAUSE YOU SAID YOU WERE GRUNGE? TODAY, 3 MONTHS AGO - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE, REALLY? THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE, DOUG, OK? A LOT OF PENSION AND BENEFITS STUFF KICKS IN AT THE 10-YEAR MARK, WHICH MEANS I.
P.
S.
IS 3 MONTHS BEHIND.
I'M GONNA LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR ACCOUNTING.
UH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S OK.
I'LL JUST-I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT TOMORROW.
NAH.
YOU'LL NEVER DO IT.
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY.
COME ON, I THOUGHT IT WAS A REALLY GOOD MOVIE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK IT SHOULD'VE BEEN CALLED WAITING TO EXHALE INTO MY HAND.
PFFFFFT! I LOVE WHEN YOU DO THAT.
I HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME TONIGHT.
ME, TOO.
SO, UH WHAT NOW? SO, NOW YOU GO HOME.
OH, COME ON, WE'VE BEEN GOING OUT FOR, LIKE, 2 MONTHS, CARRIE.
MY WHOLE BODY'S BLUE.
I GOTTA GET UP EARLY FOR WORK TOMORROW.
JUST CALL IN SICK.
TELL THEM YOU CAME DOWN WITH A BAD CASE OF DOUG-ONUCLEOSIS.
GOOD NIGHT, DOUG.
MMM.
COME ON! GOOD NIGHT, DOUG.
OK HEY, GUYS, BEFORE I SIT DOWN, YOU SHOULD BOTH KNOW I HAVEN'T SEEN LAST NIGHT'S MELROSE PLACE YET, SO IF ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING, I WILL OFFICIALLY FREAK.
AH, DOUG, I HATE TO BRING IT UP NOW, BUT YOUR TAB, IT'S RUNNING KIND OF HIGH.
I CAN'T PAY A TAB IF I DON'T HAVE A JOB, EINSTEIN.
WELL, WE'RE HIRING DOWN IN THE SUBWAY.
THANKS, BUT I'M HOLDING OUT FOR A JOB THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE WALKING THROUGH URINE.
OH, LA-DI-DA.
SO, HOW ARE THINGS GOING WITH THE NEW LADY? OH, CARRIE? GREAT.
SHE'S SO SWEET.
GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR.
WHEN I MAKE MY BELLY BUTTON TALK, SHE REALLY GETS IT.
AND HOW IS EVERYTHING IN HORIZONTAL TOWN? OH, COME ON.
I DON'T LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THAT KIND OF STUFF, ALL RIGHT? OH, COME ON.
I NEED SOMETHING TO KEEP MY MIND OFF MELROSE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, LET'S JUST SAY- NOT TO GET TOO GRAPHIC- BUT I'VE GOTTEN MORE OFF OF YOU TWO.
HA HA HA! WHOA! MAN! AND YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GOING OUT FOR, LIKE, 2 MONTHS, RIGHT? IT'S A LITTLE ROUGH, BUT CARRIE WANTS TO WAIT.
AND I RESPECT THE FACT THAT CARRIE'S A GOOD GIRL, YOU KNOW? WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? WELL, WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT WAITING ISN'T CARRIE'S THING.
YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH.
I SWEAR TO GOD, I'LL CUT YOU 8 DIFFERENT WAYS.
IT'S TRUE! YEAH? WHO'S SHE BEEN WITH? GIVE ME ONE NAME.
SAL DeROBERTIS.
SAL? I THOUGHT IT WAS HIS BROTHER JOHNNY.
SAL AND JOHNNY.
HE ONLY ASKED FOR ONE NAME.
YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, ALL RIGHT? SHE'S A GOOD GIRL, AND SHE WANTS TO WAIT, AND THAT'S IT! OK.
IT IS "OK.
" YEAH.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? HERE'S A MELROSE UPDATE- YEAH, ALLISON GOT AMANDA'S JOB AND SLEPT WITH BILLY IN HER OFFICE.
YEAH! UH OW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M SORRY.
YOU LOOKED UNCOMFORTABLE, SO I THOUGHT, UH YOU THOUGHT I'D BE MORE COMFORTABLE WITHOUT A BRA? I KNOW I AM.
COME ON.
DOUG, COME ON.
LOOK, I TOLD YOU, I'M JUST NOT READY YET, OK? I'M SORRY.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM.
YEAH, THAT'S THE BOOK ON YOU.
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? NOTHING.
IT'S JUST I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST HEARD THAT BRA USED TO COME OFF A LITTLE EASIER.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? LIKE, BING! ARE YOU CALLING ME A- A SLUT? NOT ME.
SPENCE AND DANNY.
LIKE THEY KNOW ME.
THEY KNOW THE DeROBERTIS BROTHERS AND APPARENTLY, SO DO YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S REALLY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
OH, COME-IT IS MY BUSINESS, CARRIE.
IF YOU WON'T SLEEP WITH ME, YOU KNOW, BUT YOU'LL SLEEP WITH HALF THE DeROBERTIS-IS-IS.
MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE THEY WERE SMART ENOUGH TO FIGURE OUT AFTER AN HOUR THAT MY BRA OPENS IN THE FRONT! OK, YOU WEAR A BRA THAT OPENS IN THE FRONT, BUT YOU'RE NOT A SLUT.
RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU BETTER BACK OFF THE SLUT THING, OR YOU'RE GONNA FIND YOURSELF IN THE TRUNK OF GINO DeROBERTIS' CAR.
GINO? YOU SLEPT WITH THE UNCLE ALSO?! THEY'RE A NICE FAMILY, OK? CARRIE, WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON HERE?! ALL RIGHT, MAYBE I HOOKED UP WITH A LOT MORE GUYS THAN I SHOULD'VE, ALL RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW WHY I DID IT.
MAYBE IT'S 'CAUSE MY MOM DIED, AND MY DAD'S CRAZY.
I HAD A SEPARATE ENTRANCE TO THE HOUSE.
I DON'T KNOW! THE POINT IS, I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT ANYMORE, OK? I WANT TO BE IN A GROWN-UP RELATIONSHIP WITH ONE GUY, AND I THINK I WANT THAT GUY TO BE YOU.
LET ME BE YOUR GROWN-UP.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
NO, DOUG! COME ON! I JUST TOLD YOU, I WANNA BE IN A GROWN-UP RELATIONSHIP.
YOU'RE NOT A GROWN-UP.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YEAH, YOU DON'T - YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PLANS, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY GOALS.
I GOT PLANS.
I GOT LOTS OF GOALS.
OH, OK.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A JOB.
Y- YES, I DO.
WHAT? I WAS GONNA SURPRISE YOU TOMORROW, AFTER MY FIRST DAY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT! WAIT.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? YES, I'M SERIOUS.
CARRIE, BEFORE I MET YOU, I- I JUST LIKED HANGING OUT AT A PIZZA PLACE, BUT NOW I WANT MORE.
MORE FOR MYSELF MORE FOR YOU more for us.
WAIT, SO WHAT'S THE JOB? SHH.
OK.
MMM MMM.
MORNING.
MORNING.
WHATCHA THINKIN'? I'M THINKING IF I HADN'T DOWNED ALL THOSE ZIMAS LAST NIGHT, I'D STAY IN BED WITH YOU FOREVER.
OH, MY GOD.
I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK.
OH, YEAH.
HON? YEAH.
UM AREN'T YOU GONNA BE LATE, TOO? LATE FOR WHAT? FOR WORK! OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
WORK, WORK.
MY NEW WORK! OH, YEAH.
OK, SO, NOW THAT OUR HORMONES AREN'T RAGING, TELL ME.
TELL YOU WHAT? WHAT YOUR NEW JOB IS.
I NEVER TOLD YOU?! NO.
OH, THAT IS HILARIOUS! NOW, I GOTTA BE HONEST WITH YOU, I HAVE BEEN FANTASIZING ARCHITECT, 'CAUSE I'VE ALWAYS HAD A CRUSH ON MR.
BRADY, BUT I'M REALISTIC, SO- TELL ME.
WELL, IT'S A GOOD JOB.
IT'S, UH, RIGHT DOWN THERE IN THE, UH, JOB DISTRICT.
JOB DISTRICT.
JUST TELL ME.
I WILL TELL YOU IF YOU LET ME GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU DIDN'T MAKE UP SOME FAKE JOB JUST SO THAT I WOULD SLEEP WITH YOU, DID YOU? DID-WHAT-DID I- MAKE UP-CARR- WOW, MY HEAD IS SPINNING.
WHOA.
YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU?! NO! ALL RIGHT, SO, THEN JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU WORK! OH, YOU WANNA TAKE THAT TONE, YOU JUST LOST THE RIGHT TO KNOW WHERE I WORK, OK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT AM I DOING? I'M GETTING READY FOR MY "FAKE JOB" THAT I "MADE UP"! OK? JUST GIVE ME A COMPANY NAME! OH, YOU WANT A NAME? IT'S A SMALL BUSINESS.
MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT? IT'S CALLED SHUTTY INDUSTRIES! SHE EVER ASK THE DeROBERTIS BOYS IF THEY HAVE JOBS? NO.
BUT I GOTTA HAVE A JOB 'CAUSE I'M NOT A DeROBERTIS.
DeROBERTIS.
IT'S A COOL NAME.
DOUG DeROBERTIS.
OH, MY GOD.
SHE'S FOLLOWING ME.
OH, THIS CHICK HAS TRUST ISSUES.
OK, JOB, JOB, JOB.
GOTTA FIND A JOB.
THAT WOULDN'T END WELL.
YEAH.
DAMN IT! HEY, I, UH, HATE TO BOTHER YOU, BUT CAN I, UH, BORROW A UNIFORM? DO I KNOW YOU? NO.
ANYWAY EXTRA UNIFORM, CAN I HAVE ONE? NO.
PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO, MAN.
MY GIRLFRIEND'S FOLLOWING ME, OK? AND IF I DON'T CONVINCE HER THAT I WORK HERE, I'M DEAD.
PLEASE! I'M NOT GIVING MY UNIFORM TO A TOTAL STRANGER.
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME GUM.
YOU WANT SOME GUM? NO, I DON'T WANT ANY GUM.
WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS? I GOT A COUPON.
"BUY A WHOPPER, GET THE SECOND WHOPPER FREE.
" SECOND WHOPPER FREE! LOOK, MAN, YOU'RE WEIRD, AND I DON'T LIKE YOU.
SO, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE YOUR COUPON AND YOUR FUNKY-ASS GUM AND GET ON OUT OF HERE? CARRIE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE? I FOLLOWED YOU.
SO, DO YOU ACTUALLY WORK HERE? NO, I JUST WALKED IN THIS BUILDING AND PUT ON SOME GUY'S SHIRT.
HEY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN'? I KNOW, GUY.
I'M SORRY.
UH, JUST GETTIN' DRESSED HERE, AND, UH, I KNOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO OUT THERE AND MAKE THOSE DELIVERIES AND STUFF, RIGHT? ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? DOES HE WORK HERE OR NOT? JUST TELL ME, BECAUSE IF HE DOESN'T, I'M GONNA TWIST HIS NIPPLES SO HARD THAT THEY POP OFF LIKE BOTTLE CAPS! Y- YEAH-YEAH, HE WORKS HERE.
THERE YOU GO.
YOU WANNA DRAG IN OTHER WITNESSES, OR DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW? NO, I BELIEVE YOU.
I'M SORRY, BUT WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST TELL ME THIS BEFORE? I LIKE TO KEEP THINGS HOT.
THAT'S HOW I PLAY IT IF YOU GONNA RIDE WITH ME, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
YES.
ALL RIGHT.
I GOTTA GO TO ORIENTATION NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT? ALL RIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE WE DIDN'T THINK OF CARPOOLING BEFORE.
I MEAN, I.
P.
S.
IS RIGHT ON MY WAY TO WORK, AND THEN I JUST PICK YOU UP ON MY WAY HOME.
YEAH.
AND IT GIVES US ANOTHER HALF-HOUR TOGETHER, JUST YOU, ME, AND IMUS.
WHERE DO I TURN, BABY? UH, I, UM YOU DON'T KNOW? YOU BEEN GOIN' THERE EVERY DAY.
BUT I-I DON'T HAVE MY BEARINGS WHEN I'M NOT DRIVING, OK? I MEAN, YOUR LEFT IS MY RIGHT, AND- OH, WE'RE HERE.
HEY, HOW'S IT GOIN'? HEY AREN'T YOU THE GUY WHO WORE MY SHIRT AND GAVE ME THOSE EXPIRED COUPONS? YEAH, YEAH.
HEY, LISTEN, IS THERE A MULTIPLEX AROUND HERE OR A BATTING CAGE? 'CAUSE I GOTTA KILL ABOUT 8 HOURS.
WHAT'S YOUR STORY, MAN? I STARTED DATING THIS NEW GIRL.
CARRIE.
YOU MET HER.
OH, THE SCARY CHICK, LOTS OF MASCARA? YEAH.
SHE'S GREAT, SHE'S GREAT.
ANYWAY, I TOLD HER I HAD A JOB SO SHE'D SLEEP WITH ME, SO I'VE BEEN PRETENDING TO GO TO WORK EVERY DAY, BUT SUDDENLY SHE WANTS TO CARPOOL, SO IT'S, LIKE, I ACTUALLY HAVE TO COME HERE NOW, YOU KNOW? SOUNDS LIKE YOU KIDS ARE GONNA MAKE IT.
AND TOSS ME THAT BOX OVER THERE, WOULD YOU? OH, YEAH, SURE.
NO PROBLEM.
THIS GIRLFRIEND OF YOURS, ISN'T SHE WONDERING WHY YOU DON'T GET PAID? OH, SHE THINKS I DO.
I ACTUALLY BORROWED A FEW THOUSAND DOLLARS FROM MY MOM, TOLD HER CARRIE NEEDED A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT.
IT'S ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD LIE, TOO, 'CAUSE SHE PEES A LOT, YOU KNOW? HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT, I NEVER GOT YOUR NAME.
UH, DEACON.
DEACON PALMER.
OH.
DOUG HEFFERNAN.
IT'S FUNNY, I'VE NEVER HAD A BLACK FRIEND BEFORE.
YOU DON'T HAVE ONE NOW.
PALMER.
UH, YES, SIR? THAT, UH, MR.
DAVID'S BOUTIQUE ON HILLSIDE, THEY NEVER GOT THEIR SHIPMENT YESTERDAY.
NOW HIM AND HIS LIFE PARTNER ARE THREATENING TO SCRATCH MY EYES OUT.
RIGHT.
WELL, SEE, WHAT HAPPENED, I WAS GONNA MAKE THE DELIVERY, AND I-I GOT- THAT WAS, UH, MY, UH, SCREWUP, SIR.
YOURS? WHO ARE YOU? I'M-I'M DOUG HEFFERNAN.
I'M, UH, THE NEW DRIVER.
OH, YEAH.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
YEAH, UH, I- I TOLD DEACON I WOULD MAKE THOSE DELIVERIES, BUT THEN I, UH- I GOT A PHONE CALL FROM THE HOSPITAL.
MY UNCLE NEEDED A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT.
WELL, WHERE'S YOUR UNIFORM? I- I GAVE IT TO MY UNCLE.
GIFT SHOP WAS CLOSED.
WELL, GET ANOTHER ONE.
AND MAKE THAT DELIVERY, PALMER.
YES, SIR.
THANKS A LOT, MAN.
THAT WAS-THAT WAS NICE.
NO PROBLEM.
YOU, UH- YOU REALLY LIKE TO WORK THAT KIDNEY TRANSPLANT THING, DON'T YOU? IT'S YOUR CADILLAC OF PERSONAL EMERGENCIES.
HEY, YOU'RE READING NOW.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SILLY PUTTY? EH, LOOKIN' FOR A JOB.
OH, YEAH? YEAH, JUST SOMETHING TEMPORARY TILL I GET THE FINANCING LINED UP FOR MY BREWERY.
LET ME THROW SOMETHING CRAZY OUT THERE AT YA, BROTHER.
INSTEAD OF JUST HANGING AROUND HERE EVERY DAY, WHY DON'T YOU ACTUALLY WORK HERE? MMM.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? I'M A CREATIVE BIRD.
I NEED TO FLAP MY WINGS.
HEY! CARRIE.
WH-WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? SPECIAL DELIVERY OF HOT LOVIN'.
THAT MEANS KISS ME.
OH.
OK.
UH, AREN'T YOU MISSING WORK? NAH.
THEY'RE DOIN' SOME STUPID C.
P.
R.
TRAINING.
YAWN.
ANYWAY, I WANTED TO SURPRISE MY MAN WITH A LITTLE CARRIE AND A LITTLE DEBBIE.
THAT'S GREAT.
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I GOTTA GET GOIN', OK? HEY, HEFFERNAN, UH, THERE'S 2 PALLETS ON A FORKLIFT THAT SHOULD'VE BEEN LOADED AN HOUR AGO, HUH? SO GET ON IT.
DOES THAT MEAN I GET TO SEE YOU WORK THE FORKLIFT? I THINK IT DOES.
YAY! YOU MIGHT WANNA STAND BACK.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
AHEM.
THIS ONE, SHE'S, UH- SHE'S, UH, FINICKY.
YOU GOTTA GO BACK BEFORE YOU GET HER GOIN'.
EVERYBODY COMPLAINS ABOUT IT.
WE HAD TO OPEN THAT AND LOOK AT IT.
YOU GOTTA CHECK OUT THE CONTENTS SOMETIMES.
THIS HAPPENS.
IN MY OFFICE, NOW! WONDER WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.
I GOT ABOUT 250 SMASHED-UP BOXES OUT THERE.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? I'M NOT REALLY SURE, SIR.
SEE, I'M STILL PRETTY BROKEN UP ABOUT MY UNCLE.
The kidney's not taking.
WELL, FIRST YOU MESS UP THE DRESS DELIVERY, AND NOW THIS.
I'M SORRY.
I GOTTA LET YOU GO, HEFFERNAN.
SIR, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
OH, YES, I CAN.
YOU CAN'T, SIR.
I- I DON'T WORK HERE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU WERE AT THE COMPANY PICNIC.
WE WON THE 3-LEGGED RACE TOGETHER.
I- I DON'T WORK HERE.
I LIED TO MY GIRLFRIEND.
I TOLD HER THIS IS WHERE I WORKED, SO FOR THE LAST COUPLE MONTHS, I'VE JUST BEEN SHOWING UP AND HANGING OUT.
OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
LOOK, BUT IF SHE - IF SHE KNOWS I BEEN LYING TO HER, SHE'S GONNA KILL ME, SO I- I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS I- I'D LIKE TO APPLY FOR A JOB.
YOU UNDERSTAND, YOU'RE NOT ASKING AT THE BEST TIME? I DO UNDERSTAND THAT, SIR, BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, IF YOU GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE, I'LL SHOW YOU, I'M THE BEST DAMN DRIVER YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
WELL I'M GONNA BE TOTALLY FRIED IF CORPORATE FINDS OUT I LET A CIVILIAN OPERATE A FORKLIFT.
AND WE ARE DEFENDING TRUE.
SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? CAN I HAVE A JOB? WELL- WELL, SINCE I FIRED YOU, I GUESS THERE'S A SLOT OPEN.
ALL RIGHT, YOU START ON MONDAY.
ALL RIGHT, THANKS, SIR.
WANNA SEE MY TRUCK? YEAH.
COMING UP, AN ALL-NEW MELROSE PLACE.
I'M EITHER TAKING A BATH OR WATCHING MELROSE, OR BOTH! LEAVE A MESSAGE.
HEY, MAN, IT'S DOUG.
JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW YOU LEFT YOUR JACKET AT MY HOUSE, AND, UH, OH, YEAH, KIMBERLY ISN'T DEAD.
SHE'S ALIVE! SHE'S ALIVE!