The King of Queens s08e06 Episode Script

Shear Torture

AND NOW, THROWING OUT THE CEREMONIAL FIRST PITCH, BROADWAY STAR BERNADETTE PETERS! WOW.
BERNADETTE BROUGHT THE HEAT! THEY SHOULD PROBABLY TEST HER FOR STEROIDS.
THAT'S NOTHING.
YOU SEE REESE WITHERSPOON LAST WEEK? SHE COULD BE A YANKEE RIGHT NOW.
HEY, WHAT'S UP? WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO THAT NEW PLACE WITH THE DRIVE-THROUGH WINDOW.
YEAH, I DID.
IT WAS ALL BACKED UP.
THEY MADE THEIR WINDOW TOO SMALL.
THEY HAD TO SHIMMY THE BOX OUT SIDEWAYS.
WELL, BASICALLY WE HAVE HALF EXTRA CHEESE, HALF NO CHEESE.
WELL, I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHICH SIDE I'M EATING FROM.
ENJOY YOUR SKIN FLAP.
SPENCE, WILL YOU STOP STARING OUT THE WINDOW, MAN? YOU'RE CREEPIN' ME OUT.
I'M WAITING FOR LOU FERRIGNO TO GET HOME.
WHERE IS HE? SPENCE, LOU IS NOT GONNA GO WITH YOU ON YOUR LITTLE SCI-FI GEEK-FEST.
YEAH.
FANTASY EXPO '05 IS A GEEK-FEST.
THAT'S WHY 3 DIFFERENT HOBBITS ARE SHOWING UP.
YOU KNOW, AT A CERTAIN POINT, WE CAN'T PROTECT YOU ANYMORE.
OH! THERE HE IS.
YES! TARGET ACQUIRED.
NO, THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.
NOT TODAY! WHAT'S THE MATTER? JUST EAT IT OFF YOUR SHIRT LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.
NO, HE'S GOTTA BE ALL G.
Q.
ed UP.
HE'S GETTING HIS HAIR CUT BY LORI.
OH HO.
SHE'S A NEAT FREAK.
NO, MAN.
SHE'S HOT.
OH! BETTER YET.
HA.
HEY, I'M IN THE MARKET FOR A NEW HAIR GIRL.
COULD YOU HOOK ME UP? MMM, I WOULD, BUT SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO CUT LOSER HAIR.
WHAT? I DON'T WANT YOU GOIN' TO HER.
WHY NOT? BECAUSE SHE'S MINE, ALL RIGHT? GET YOUR OWN.
DO YOU BELIEVE HIM? YOU CAN GO TO MY GIRL.
I MEAN, SHE WEIGHS ABOUT 3 BILLS, BUT SHE'LL BRAID YOU UP REAL NICE.
IF YOU WANT MY OPINION, IN TERMS OF STYLE, HANDLING, AND PURE LUXURY, YOU CAN'T BEAT THE PARK AVENUE.
I THINK WE COULD BOTH AGREE THAT BUICK MAKES A GREAT CAR.
CAN I GO IN NOW? YEAH, W-LOU, LOU, LOU.
ONE MORE THING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, UH WHY? THERE'S A KINDA SCI-FI CONVENTION OUT AT THE MEADOWLANDS.
I WAS THINKING IF YOU WANTED TO GO, I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT.
WE CAN WALK AROUND.
YOU JUST WANT TO TAKE ME BECAUSE I WAS THE HULK.
YOU-YOU WERE THE HULK? OH, THAT'S RIGHT! I TOTALLY FORGOT! SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? I DON'T DO THAT STUFF ANYMORE.
LOU, PLEASE! THAT CHAPTER IN MY LIFE IS CLOSED.
Y- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I MEAN, IF I COULD SHOW UP WITH THE HULK I'D FINALLY BE SOMEBODY, NOT SOME LOSER WEARING FAKE SPOCK EARS BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE THE GUTS TO GET THE SURGERY.
OK, FINE.
BUT NO GREEN PAINT AND NO PURPLE PANTS.
LOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU! OK? UM AND YOU MIGHT WANNA SAVE SOME OF THAT ANGER FOR THE EXPO.
HEY, HONEY, I'M GOING SHOPPING.
I HAVE A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS ABOUT THE LIST.
SHOOT.
NOW, I DON'T MIND YOU ADDING ITEMS, BUT I'M GONNA ASK YOU AGAIN, PLEASE DON'T CROSS OFF VEGETABLES.
SORRY, I-I GOT UPSET.
IT'S OK.
ALL RIGHT, AND HELP ME OUT HERE.
IT SAYS CRACKERS-ALL.
THAT'S AN ENTIRE AISLE.
THAT'S JUST A GUIDELINE.
I WANTED YOU TO HAVE FUN WITH IT, JUST GET IN THERE- YOU KNOW WHAT? WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME WITH ME.
THE SAMPLE LADY WILL BE THERE.
OH, I WANT TO.
IT'S JUST THAT I, UH, I GOTTA GET A HAIRCUT.
YOU JUST GOT A HAIRCUT 3 WEEKS AGO.
YOUR HAIR LOOKS FINE.
YEAH, IT'S FINE IF YOU'RE A BEE GEE.
HONEY, PLEASE, JUST COME WITH ME.
CARRIE, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT! YOU THINK I WANNA SPEND MY SATURDAY SITTING IN SOME BARBER CHAIR? YOU DOIN' OK? GREAT.
HI.
THERE'S A COUPLE MORE BAGS IN THE CAR.
OH, DANNY! WE NEED TO SET UP SOME BOUNDARIES.
HEY WHY'D YOUR HAIR TASTE LIKE COCONUT? I SPILLED A PI√ĎA COLADA.
IT'S A LONG STORY.
WHERE'S DOUG? HE WENT TO GET HIS HAIR CUT.
OH, RIGHT.
HEY, CAR, BY THE WAY, COULD YOU GIVE ME THE NAME OF DOUG'S HAIR PERSON? I LOVE HIS LOOK.
UM ACTUALLY, I DON'T KNOW WHO HE GOES TO NOW.
WAIT A MINUTE.
DID HE TELL YOU NOT TO TELL ME? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I'M TALKING ABOUT HIS HOT HAIRDRESSER.
WHAT HOT HAIRDRESSER? OH, LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW! OH, YOU DON'T KNOW.
SO, YOU EVER DELIVER TO ANYONE FAMOUS? UH IS HARRISON FORD FAMOUS? YOU DID NOT DELIVER TO HIM! NO, I DIDN'T.
BUT HE IS FAMOUS.
SERIOUSLY DELIVERING AN OLD LADY HER HEART MEDICINE OR A CHILD HIS FIRST BIKE THAT'S THE THRILL RIDE FOR ME.
TCH! AW! I GOTTA GET MY CLIPPERS.
TAKE A LOOK AT THE BACK.
OK! HEY! CAR! HOW ARE YA? HEY.
WH-WH-WHAT ARE YA DOIN' HERE? OH NOTHING.
I WAS JUST ACROSS THE STREET AT THE BEAUTY SUPPLY, THOUGHT I'D JUST POP IN AND SAY HELLO.
BEAUTY SUPPLY? WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE THAT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO NEED IT? 'CAUSE YOU DON'T! HA HA! I'LL SEE YA AT HOME, OK? THAT'S OK.
I DON'T MIND WAITING.
THAT'S OK- I DON'T MIND.
IT'S OK.
I'LL JUST SIT RIGHT HERE.
SO, YOU MUST HAVE A MILLION FUNNY STORIES ABOUT THINGS THAT HAPPEN WHILE YOU'RE OUT MAKIN' DELIVERIES.
UH IT'S NOT ABOUT BEING FUNNY.
IT'S ABOUT GETTING THE JOB DONE AND GOING HOME TO MY WIFE.
OH.
OK.
H - HOLD STILL, HON.
I DON'T WANT TO CUT YOU.
OK, YOU'RE ALL SET.
OK, WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR A VERY PROFESSIONAL JOB.
THANK GOD THAT'S DONE.
HEY.
COULD YOU PUT 20 BUCKS ON MY METRO CARD, PLEASE? IS THERE A PROBLEM? NO, NO.
I'D BE HAPPY TO DO THAT FOR YOU, MR.
ADAM WEST, OR SHOULD I SAY BATMAN? YOU NAILED ME.
SO, UH, WHAT BRINGS YOU DOWN TO THE SUBWAY? UNDERGROUND TROUBLE IN GOTHAM CITY? I HAVE A COLONOSCOPY UPTOWN.
WOW OH, I SEE THAT FANTASY EXPO'S COMING UP.
YEAH.
THEY'RE HAVING IT AT THE MEADOWLANDS THIS YEAR.
I REMEMBER WHEN THEY HELD THE FIRST ONE IN GEORGE TAKEl'S LANDLADY'S HOUSE.
TO HAVE BEEN A FLY ON THAT WALL! OH, THERE WERE QUITE A FEW OF THOSE.
SHE WAS A FILTHY WOMAN.
WELL, NICE TO TALK TO YOU.
BATMAN? YES? THAT IS SO COOL.
UM I WAS WONDERING, UH ANY CHANCE YOU WOULD COME WITH ME TO THE CONVENTION? OH, I DON'T DO MUCH OF THOSE ANYMORE, BUT YOU'VE SURE GOT GUTS TO ASK ME.
AND I LIKE GUTS.
SO YOU'LL GO? YOU MAY HAVE TO DRIVE.
MY PRIUS IS IN THE SHOP.
HEY! HEY.
WHERE YOU BEEN? I'VE BEEN HOME, UH, AN HOUR NOW.
OH, HAD TO MAKE A COUPLE STOPS.
GOT YOU THOSE MINTS YOU LIKE.
I KNOW THAT.
AND, UH, A LITTLE BRACELET.
WOW! IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION? THE OCCASION IS YOU'RE THE BEST.
YOU ARE SO SWEET! LET ME GET A LOOK AT THAT HAIRCUT.
OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
SHE'S GOOD.
YEAH.
I MEAN, I WISH SHE'D DO A LITTLE LESS AND A LITTLE MORE YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? YEAH.
SHE'S PRETTY HOT, THOUGH, HUH? YOU THINK? MM NOT MY CUP O' JOE, BUT GOD BLESS.
TRY ON YOUR BRACELET.
YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE! WHAT? SNEAKING AROUND BEHIND MY BACK GETTING HAIRCUTS! I WASN'T SNEAKING AROUND.
I TOLD YOU I WAS GETTING A HAIRCUT! YEAH, BUT NOT BY EDWARD SCISSORBOOBS! SO SHE'S A LITTLE HOT, ALL RIGHT? I ONLY GO TO HER BECAUSE I LIKE THE WAY SHE CUTS MY HAIR.
OH, COME ON.
WE BOTH KNOW YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE CRAP.
AND IF IT'S ABOUT THE HAIRCUT, WHY WON'T YOU GIVE HER NUMBER TO DANNY? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SO UPSET ABOUT? I'LL TELL DANNY RIGHT NOW! GO 'HEAD! FINE.
UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S RINGING.
SPENCE, GET DANNY.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
HEY, DANNY, IF YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW THE NUMBER TO MY HAIR GIRL, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU.
JUST GRAB A PEN, BUD.
FOR THE BROTHERS GRIMM, PRESS ONE.
WHAT'S WITH THAT GUY, HUH? "PRESS ONE!" YOU'RE BEING PATHETIC.
WHAT? SO ONCE A MONTH I GET MY HAIR CUT BY A CUTE GIRL WHO LAUGHS AT MY JOKES.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? THE BIG DEAL IS WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED, YOU TOOK A SACRED VOW TO ME.
TO DO WHAT, ONLY GET MY HAIR CUT BY UGLY PEOPLE? THE POINT IS YOU SHOULDN'T BE NEEDING THAT KIND OF ATTENTION FROM ANYBODY BUT YOUR WIFE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HURTFUL THAT IS TO ME? YES! THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T TELL YOU! OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? FROM NOW ON, YOU AND HER, YOU'RE THROUGH.
IF ANYBODY'S GONNA GIVE YOU PLEASURE ONCE A MONTH, IT'S GONNA BE ME.
HEY, LOU.
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, LOU.
LOT OF WEIGHT THERE.
YEAH, I'M TRAINING FOR THE CONVENTION.
I'M GONNA BE IN THE BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE.
AT FIRST, HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GO, NOW HE'S TOTALLY INTO IT.
LOOK AT HIM TRAINING, DEAC.
TRAINING FOR ME TO BREAK HIS HEART.
THEN WHY'D YOU ASK THAT OTHER GUY? BECAUSE THE OTHER GUY IS BATMAN, ALL RIGHT? AND WHEN YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO TAKE THE DARK KNIGHT TO A PARTY, YOU DO IT.
I WOULD NOT DO WELL IN YOUR WORLD.
IT'S 2 DATES FOR THE PROM ALL OVER AGAIN.
YOU HAD 2 DATES FOR THE PROM? NO, MY DATE DID.
SHE WANTED TO GO WITH ME, BUT THEN HER DAD SAID IF SHE WANTED TO GO TO COLLEGE, SHE'D HAVE TO TAKE THIS OTHER GUY, SO UH-HUH.
AND YOU BELIEVE THAT? SHE ENDED UP GOING TO COLLEGE, SO YOU DO THE MATH.
SO HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT HER? HIS COUSIN RATTED HIM OUT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? DOUG DIDN'T EVEN THINK HE WAS DOING ANYTHING WRONG.
I MEAN, THIS GIRL WAS ALL OVER HIM AND HE WAS FREAKING LOVING IT.
A LITTLE LOWER, BABY.
YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S IT.
HEY, DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE.
WE STILL GOT CARDIO.
HATE YOU.
WHAT? DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A LITTLE HARD ON DOUG? 'CAUSE YOU KNOW.
THIS IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
OOH, STOP THAT.
THAT TICKLES.
HA HA! MORNING.
HEY.
WHAT YOU MAKING? SOME WAFFLES? YEAH.
OH, I'M USING MRS.
BUTTERWORTH'S.
IS THAT OK? OR SHOULD I ONLY BE GETTING SYRUP FROM YOUR HEAD? IS THIS ABOUT THAT WHOLE HAIR-CUTTING THING? WELL, UM YEAH, LISTEN, YOU CAN GO BACK TO LORI WHENEVER YOU WANT.
WHAT? YOU WERE YELLING AT ME, SAYING I'M BETRAYING OUR WHOLE MARRIAGE.
YEAH, I WAS JUST PROBABLY- I WAS IN A MOOD, YOU KNOW? JUST SOME WOMANLY STUFF GOING ON THERE.
BUT SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, YOU CAN GO BACK TO HER.
WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY OK WITH THIS? OK, LOOK, I REALIZED THAT I WAS BEING A BIT OF A HYPOCRITE.
I MEAN I HAVE A MAN IN MY LIFE WHO'S KIND OF LIKE LORI.
YOU KNOW, GIVES ME ATTENTION, MAKES ME FEEL GOOD, AND YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT HIM.
IT'S DEACON, ISN'T IT? NO, IT'S BRAD, MY TRAINER FROM THE GYM.
OH.
OK, FINE.
YEAH, SO, I'M GONNA SEE HIM IN 10 MINUTES.
OH.
THAT'S GREAT.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? MY SIDEBURNS ARE GETTING A LITTLE BUSHY, TOO.
OK.
WELL, SAY HI TO LORI.
HA HA! SAY HI TO BRAD.
OK, THANKS.
BYE.
HEY, LORI.
OH, HEY, DOUG.
HEY, DOUG.
WHAT'S UP? I- I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU COULD MAYBE GIVE ME A LITTLE TRIM IN THE BACK, CLEAN ME UP A LITTLE BIT.
OH, ACTUALLY, I WAS ABOUT TO HEAD OUT.
DANNY HAD AN EXTRA TICKET TO BLUE MAN GROUP.
HEY, YOU FEEL LIKE MEXICAN? I LOVE MEXICAN! OH, GREAT.
OOH, BUT I SHOULD WARN YOU.
WHEN IT COMES TO MARGARITAS, I'M A LIGHTWEIGHT.
HEY, THAT'S BUENO BY ME.
OH, BUT DON'T WORRY, DOUG, I'LL GET YOU TAKEN CARE OF.
EUGENE! NO, NO.
THAT'S OK.
REALLY, THAT'S FINE.
I'M GOOD.
SO DO YOU EVER DELIVER TO ANYONE FAMOUS? HEY, SPENCE.
YEAH.
HI.
LOU, THERE'S SOMETHING I REALLY GOT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
LOOK, WHAT I JUST PICKED UP AT THE DRY CLEANERS TODAY.
AND GUESS WHAT, I'M GOING GREEN.
JUST WAIT HERE.
I'M GONNA GO TRY THEM ON.
DON'T PUT THE PANTS ON, LOU! WHY NOT? 'CAUSE IT'S JUST GONNA MAKE THIS HURT EVEN MORE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
FINISH OUT STRONG.
OK.
THERE WE GO.
HEY, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND? WE GOT HEY, JIMMY NEUTRON, COULD YOU TAKE A WALK? I'M GONNA GET A RED BULL.
YOU WANT ONE? YEAH, SURE.
WHAT'S GOING ON? WELL, I GOT MY HAIR CUT.
YEAH? BY EUGENE! YEAH.
LORI COULDN'T DO IT BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO BUSY HAVING MARGARITAS WITH DANNY BECAUSE YOU GAVE HIM HER NUMBER! OH.
I'M SORRY, BABY.
WELL, WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS AT HOME, OK? RIGHT NOW, BRAD'S GONNA WORK ON MY GLUTES.
HA HA.
NO, NO.
OK, IF I DON'T HAVE LORI, THERE'S NO BRAD FOR YOU.
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES, IT'S JUST THIS.
WELL, NO, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
I KNOW.
IT SUCKS FOR BOTH OF US.
DOUG, JUST CALM DOWN, ALL RIGHT? WE CAN FIX THIS.
HOW? THIS IS STUPID.
DOUG, COME ON.
I WANT TO FIND YOU A NEW HAIRDRESSER.
A REAL HOTTIE.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
ALL RIGHT.
SO WHAT DO YOU LIKE? SHORT? TALL? SKINNY? A LITTLE JUNK IN THE TRUNK? WHAT'S YOUR PLEASURE? THAT ONE'S NOT BAD.
OH, I SEE YOU LIKE 'EM A LITTLE DIRTY.
OK, YOU KNOW WHAT- COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
JUST GO UP TO HER AND SEE IF SHE'S FREE, OK? I CAN'T DO THIS.
DO YOU WANT ME TO DO IT? NO, I-I'LL DO IT.
OK.
AHEM.
YES? HEY, I'M DOUG.
UH, I KNOW THIS IS KIND OF SHORT NOTICE, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD GIVE ME A HAIR CUT 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I GO CRAZY.
BUT JUST SEEING IF YOU WERE AVAILABLE.
ACTUALLY, I'M BOOKED FOR THE NEXT COUPLE WEEKS.
OHH.
THAT'S COOL.
I'M SO BUSY, TOO.
I PROBABLY- I'LL JUST LET IT GROW, YOU KNOW? I WANT TO DIE.
ALL RIGHT, HONEY.
COME ON.
JUST GIVE IT ANOTHER MINUTE, OK? LET'S JUST LOOK- EXCUSE ME.
I WANT HER.
YOU SURE, HONEY? YOU WANT TO LOOK AROUND- YEAH, YOU CAN GO HOME.
I'LL GET A RIDE OR SOMETHING.
I'M GLAD YOUR PRIUS IS OUT OF THE SHOP 'CAUSE THIS IS A SWEET RIDE.
I MAY BUY IT WHEN THE LEASE IS UP.
SO, ANYWAY, UM, WE WANT TO MAKE A REALLY GOOD ENTRANCE, SO I WAS THINKING YOU COULD EITHER RAPPEL DOWN NEXT TO ME OR YOU CARRY ME IN YOUR ARMS AND SET ME DOWN.
I MEAN, IT'S YOUR CALL.
LET'S PLAY IT BY EAR.
OH, SPENCE, I RAN INTO A MUTUAL FRIEND TODAY.
OH, WHO? COMMISSIONER GORDON? HA HA HA! HE'S BEEN DEAD SINCE 1984.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
I'M TALKING ABOUT LOU FERRIGNO.
OH, YEAH? LOU TOLD ME THAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE CONVENTION WITH YOU, BUT YOU DITCHED HIM AT THE LAST MINUTE.
BECAUSE YOU'RE BETTER! OH, I SEE.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
IF YOU HAD RUN INTO BILL SHATNER THIS MORNING, WOULD YOU HAVE DITCHED ME, TOO? I WANT TO SAY NO, BUT I'M WEAK.
I'M SO WEAK.
WELL, THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LIKE LOU, MYSELF, BILL, LEE MAJORS ALWAYS LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.
BECAUSE OF PASTY-FACED OPPORTUNISTS LIKE YOU.
W- W-WE'RE STILL GOING, RIGHT? I AM.
GET OUT OF THE CAR.
W- W-WE'RE ON THE TURNPIKE! I GOTTA RUN ACROSS CHARACTER IS FORMED THROUGH ADVERSITY.
AND P.
S.
, I'M KEEPING YOUR GAS MONEY.
WHAT'S GOING ON? I HEARD YOU HAVE A HOT HAIRDRESSER.
WE WANT IN.