The King of Queens s08e09 Episode Script
G'Night, Stalker
DOUG, YOU'RE NOT EVEN DRESSED YET? WE'RE NOT REALLY GOING TO KARAOKE, ARE WE? I WENT TO SEE JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME AT THE LEARNING ANNEX.
YOU KNEW THAT BILL WAS COMING DUE.
DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS.
I DON'T PERFORM WELL UNDER PRESSURE.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
BUT MAYBE KARAOKE WILL BE DIFFERENT.
RELAX, MAN.
WE'LL ALL BE THERE.
IT'S GONNA BE A HOOT.
A HOOT? YOU GOT TO STOP HANGING AROUND WHITE PEOPLE.
HEY, HEY.
DANNY ISN'T HERE YET, IS HE? MM-MMM.
WHEN HE COMES HERE, EXCUSE YOURSELF AND GO UPSTAIRS.
WHAT FOR? I WANT YOU TO CALL HIM ON HIS CELL PHONE, OK? SAY YOU'RE FROM THE LAB AND YOU HAVE HIS TEST RESULTS, OK? AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE IT ALL HERE IN THIS SCRIPT.
THIS IS FUNNY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I COULD DO IT IN AN ACCENT.
LIKE "I'M FROM THE INSTITUTE.
" THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
HERE HE COMES.
I GOT TO TRY NOT TO LAUGH.
WHAT'S UP, MAN? HI, GUYS.
WHAT'S GOING ON? SPENCE WANTED ME TO SCREW WITH YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WOW.
YOU REALLY DID YOUR HOMEWORK.
I WOULD'VE BEEN DEVASTATED.
I'M GONNA GRAB A BEER.
DANNY PULLS PRANKS ON ME ALL THE TIME.
I JUST WANTED TO GET HIM BACK ONCE.
SPENCE, LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.
YOU'RE NOT A PRANKSTER.
YOU'RE A VICTIM.
ACCEPT IT, AND YOU'RE GONNA SAVE YOURSELF A LOT OF HEARTACHE.
OH, BY THE WAY, WHEN WE GET TO KARAOKE TONIGHT, I'M STAYING IN CHARACTER, SO I'LL ONLY ANSWER TO "NEIL" OR "MR.
DIAMOND.
" SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GONNA SING? I WAS GONNA DO THE CARPENTERS, BUT AFTER THAT "WHITE PEOPLE" COMMENT, THINKING I MIGHT GO TUPAC.
I DON'T GET THIS SONG.
DID SHE HEAR ABOUT THE LETTER LISTENING TO THE RADIO, OR WAS IT PHYSICALLY ON TOP OF THE RADIO? YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD, AND I'M SINGING "LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN.
" WHOO! GOOD, CARRIE! GIVE IT UP.
YEAH! ALL RIGHT, HONEY.
YOUR TURN.
HAVE FUN.
YEAH, I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.
LET'S HAVE A BIG SCOOTER McGEE'S WELCOME FOR DOUG HEFFERNAN! WHOO! YEAH! COME ON, BABY! WHOO! WHOO! OOH! LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR DOUG HEFFERNAN.
YEAH! HONEY, I GOT TO TELL YOU, THAT DID NOT SUCK.
YEAH, THAT WAS GREAT.
I FELT LIKE I WAS OFF-REALLY? YEAH.
DID YOU FIND A MOVIE YET? AT THE MIDWAY WE CAN STILL MAKE THE 7:15 SHOWING OF HABEAS CORPUS.
I HEAR THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
MM-MMM.
YOU KNOW MY RULE.
IF IT'S TRUE, IT'S CRAPAROO.
I'LL KEEP LOOKING.
DOUG, YOU GOT AN E-MAIL.
HMM.
WHO IS IT FROM? UH, IT SAYS, "CUTIEPIE32.
" OH.
OPEN IT UP.
OK.
"I HOPE THIS IS THE RIGHT DOUG HEFFERNAN.
"DID YOU SING AT THE KARAOKE BAR LAST NIGHT? "I'M THERE ALMOST EVERY NIGHT, AND YOU WERE AWESOME.
ANYWAY, JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW.
" HMM.
FAN MAIL.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET THAT WHEN YOU WON THE WING-EATING CONTEST.
THAT TIME YOU PUT YOUR LIFE ON THE LINE.
YEAH, RELAX, EVERYBODY, ALL RIGHT? YOU SANG "BRANDY.
" IT'S LIKE ONE OCTAVE.
OK, GUYS, LET'S HIT THIS PIZZA HARD AND GET OUT OF HERE.
I'M NOT MISSING THE HARRY POTTER PREVIEW AGAIN.
WHAT'S GOING ON? DOUG'S GOT A LITTLE KARAOKE FAN.
REALLY? YEAH.
APPARENTLY, I DON'T JUST SING A SONG.
I MAKE LOVE TO IT.
MAN.
DO YOU THINK IT WAS THOSE AER LINGUS STEWARDESSES THAT SANG "DANCING QUEEN"? WHOA.
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES HERE.
HOW DO WE KNOW THAT "CUTIEPIE" ISN'T "CUTIEGUY"? YOU KNOW WHO IT IS? I BET YOU IT'S THE HOT WAITRESS.
YOU REMEMBER SHE SAID I DID A GOOD JOB.
YEAH, YEAH.
IT'S NOT LIKE SHE WAS ANGLING FOR A TIP OR ANYTHING.
OOH, LOOK AT THIS.
I GOT ANOTHER E-MAIL FROM CUTIEPIE32.
UNBELIEVABLE.
"OK, TRUTH TIME.
"IT'S NOT JUST THAT I'M A FAN OF YOUR SINGING.
"I THINK YOU'RE REALLY SEXY.
"OH, AND THANKS FOR OPENING YOUR SHIRT A LITTLE.
THAT WAS THE ICING ON THE CAKE.
" SHE'S USING A SEMI-COLON AND CLOSED PARENTHESES.
SHE'S WINKING AT YOU.
HEY.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE GOING TO THE MOVIES.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
LET'S GET GOING.
TAKE CARE, CARRIE.
DON'T WANNA BE LATE FOR HABEAS CORPUS.
HAVE FUN.
DOUG.
YEAH? WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOUR LAPTOP TO THE MOVIES? UH, SO I CAN WRITE ABOUT IT IN MY BLOG.
COME ON, MAN.
ARE WE GONNA PLAY BASKETBALL OR WHAT? JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES.
SHE'S GONNA E-MAIL ME.
I CAN FEEL IT.
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER IN 3 DAYS.
I KNOW.
ONE MINUTE SHE'S SENDING ME A LIST OF OUR CHILDREN'S NAMES- I LIKE CALEB.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, NOTHING.
I DON'T GET IT.
MAYBE SHE'S JUST BEEN BUSY AND DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME.
HEY, YOU'RE A STALKER.
YOU MAKE THE TIME.
UH-HUH.
BACK IN BUSINESS.
LET ME SEE HERE.
UHH! IT'S FROM MY MOM.
"10 REASONS WHY MEN LEAVE THE SEAT UP.
" DELETE! DELETE! TAKE IT EASY, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING ALL WORKED UP ABOUT THIS FOR? I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST MADE ME FEEL GOOD.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THAT A WOMAN ASKS TO SEE ME IN TIGHTER CLOTHES.
YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE PROBABLY JUST LOST INTEREST.
MEMORIES FADE, MAN.
THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU SANG ONE SONG TO HER A WEEK AGO.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NEXT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SING? NEIL DIAMOND.
OH, SORRY.
YOU, UH - YOU GOT TO PICK SOMETHING ELSE.
SOMEBODY SANG HIM AT HAPPY HOUR.
SO WHAT? WE DON'T DOUBLE DIAMOND HERE.
IT SAYS SO ON THE SIGN-UP SHEET.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
I'LL DO IT NEXT WEEK.
BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT PUNISHING ME.
YOU'RE PUNISHING THEM.
HOW MUCH FUN WAS THAT? I KNOW.
I HAD TO DRAG YOU THERE THE FIRST TIME, AND NOW YOU'RE DRAGGING ME THERE.
I GOT THE FEVER! I KNOW.
HEY, HONEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO UPSTAIRS AND, UH, MAKE SOME MORE ENDLESS LOVE? OH.
WELL, I WOULDN'T COUNT ON THE "ENDLESS" PART, BUT YEAH.
OK.
I'M GONNA GO TAKE A SHOWER.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE UP THERE IN A MINUTE.
S- S-STILL NOTHING.
HONEY? UH WHAT? UH, I WAS THINKING WANNA TAKE A SHOWER WITH ME? CONSERVE WATER? OH.
SEE, NOW, I LIKE WHERE YOU'RE GOING THERE BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE WE CAN GET UP THERE AND HAVE A LITTLE- FUN.
LET'S LATHER UP.
WHO'S "CUTIEPIE32"? YEAH, I THINK IT'S DEA- IT'S DEACON.
"THE SUBJECT IS 'YOUR ARMS LOOKED SEXY TONIGHT.
'" YEAH, IT'S DEFINITELY DEACON.
OPEN IT UP.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TALK TO HIM TOMORROW.
YOU SHOULD OPEN IT UP.
OK.
OK.
THERE YOU GO.
OH! DID DEACON SCAN HIS PANTIES AND SEND THEM TO YOU? THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A CRY FOR HELP.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? NOTHING.
JU- WHO IS THAT? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW? I DON'T KNOW.
I NEVER MET HER.
SHE SAW ME SING KARAOKE, AND, UH, SHE'S BEEN E - MAILING ME EVER SINCE.
I DON'T WRITE HER BACK.
SO THAT'S WHY YOU BROUGHT ME THERE TONIGHT? SO YOU COULD SING TO HER? AND YOU.
COME ON.
HOW ABOUT THAT SHOWER? OH, MY- YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG HERE.
YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG? YOU'RE HAVING SOME THING WITH SOME CYBER-SKANK.
IT'S NOT A THING.
SHE'S STALKING ME.
I'M THE VICTIM HERE.
OH, YOU'RE THE VICTIM.
OK.
YOU'RE LOVING THIS.
OH, COM- OH, I GET IT.
OH, MY YOU'RE JEALOUS.
I'M JEALOUS.
I'M JEALOUS OF WHAT? YOU'RE JEALOUS I HAVE A STALKER AND YOU DON'T.
EXCUSE ME, DOUG.
I HAVE HAD PLENTY OF STALKERS, OK? YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAD TO MOVE OR CHANGE MY PHONE NUMBER 'CAUSE I WAS BEING HOUNDED BY SOME WEIRDO? HMM.
NOT RINGING A BELL SINCE I'VE KNOWN YOU.
ANYONE STALK YOU, SAY, IN THE 21ST CENTURY? YES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M BEING STALKED RIGHT NOW.
REALLY? YEAH.
BY WHO? BY TOMMY LEONARDI, OK? I KNEW HIM FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
HE GOOGLED ME, AND HE E-MAILED ME JUST TODAY.
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
WOW.
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME? FINE.
THAT'S FINE.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
IT AIN'T PRETTY.
"THEN IN APRIL, I WAS TRANSFERRED TO TUCSON.
SO ME, ALICE, DYLAN, AND THE TWINS PACKED UP THE CAR " THAT'S YOUR STALKER? THAT'S A CHRISTMAS LETTER.
DOUG, THAT'S THE WAY IT STARTS.
THEN THE PHONE CALLS.
THEN THE HANG-UPS.
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE'S GONNA BE WEARING MY SKIN AS A SUIT.
NOW YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU AND YOUR LITTLE KARAOKE SLUT - YOU'RE THROUGH.
OK? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? BELIEVE ME, IF THERE WAS SOME MAGICAL WAY TO BLOCK HER FROM E-MAILING ME, I WOULD.
THERE.
SHE'S BLOCKED.
THANK YOU.
DOUG, STOP CHECKING YOUR INBOX.
CARRIE BLOCKED HER.
IT'S OVER.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING ANYMORE.
NO MORE RING-DINGS.
NO STALKER.
WHY DO I EVEN GET OUT OF BED? JUST COME WATCH CELEBRITY POKER.
MARG HELGENBERGER HAS POCKET ACES.
I'M NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE.
SPENCE, YOU KNOW ABOUT COMPUTER CRAP.
IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN UNDO THIS BLOCK? WELL, YEAH, BUT THEN COME OVER HERE AND HELP ME.
I DON'T WANNA GET CARRIE MAD AT ME.
SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY, OK? NOW, DO ME A FAVOR AND JUST UN-CRACK THE CODE.
THERE'S NO CODE.
YOU JUST HIT "UNBLOCK.
" OK, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW THE SAUSAGE IS MADE.
JUST DO IT.
I DID IT, OK? AND I WAS NEVER HERE.
OK.
COME ON, CUTIEPIE32.
I GOT TO TELL YOU, I'M SEEING YOUR CLOTHES ALL OVER THE LAWN.
AH.
AND WELCOME BACK, CUTIEPIE.
"DEAR DOUG.
FIRST YOU BLOCK ME, THEN YOU UNBLOCK ME.
NOBODY TREATS ME LIKE THAT.
NOBODY.
" DA- SHE'S A LITTLE SHE'S A LITTLE MIFFED.
"DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY FROM ME, BECAUSE I'M WATCHING YOU.
" WATCHING ME.
THAT'S RIGHT OUT OF THE "CRAZY" HANDBOOK, AM I RIGHT? YEAH.
RIGHT.
"I LIKE YOUR SHIRT.
I'M A METS FAN, TOO.
" UH I-I-I'M GONNA HEAD OUT.
YEAH, YEAH.
MY, UH, DOG'S BEEN COOPED UP ALL DAY.
I'M GONNA HEAD OUT, TOO.
GUYS, IT'S A LUCKY GUESS.
HALF THE FAT GUYS IN QUEENS WEAR METS SHIRTS.
OH, GOD! YOU KNOW, YOU CAN WARN A PERSON WHEN YOU'RE GONNA MAKE TEA, OK? COMMON COURTESY! YOU EVER HEAR OF KNOCKING? WHAT'S GOING ON? THIS CAME IN.
"HEY, DOUG, SORRY I'VE BEEN A LITTLE HARD ON YOU.
"YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD REALLY CHEER ME UP? "IF YOU WOULD SING ME A SONG TONIGHT AT THE KARAOKE BAR.
"HOW ABOUT 'I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU'? I REALLY HOPE YOU DON'T LET ME DOWN.
" DOESN'T SOUND SO BAD.
YEAH? THIS CAME WITH IT.
I GUESS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T LET HER DOWN.
HEY, HOW MANY OF YOU OUT THERE LIKE CHRISTMAS? WELL, I DO, TOO.
WHY DON'T WE CELEBRATE A LITTLE EARLY WITH ONE OF MY FAVORITES.
AND IF ANYBODY LIKES WHAT THEY HEAR OR SEE, THAT'S WITH TWO F's, BY THE WAY.
HERE WE GO.
HELLO.
ARE YOU FROM OUT OF TOWN? YEAH, I COULD TELL.
DID YOU GUYS COME TOGETHER? OH, THAT'S SO UNFORTUNATE.
HEY, I NEED YOUR SPOT.
WHAT? NO WAY.
I'VE BEEN WAITING 2 WEEKS TO DO THIS.
DANNY, IF MY STALKER DOESN'T HEAR ME SING TONIGHT, I'M GONNA DIE.
OH.
I SEE.
NOW I HAVE TO GO ON HER SCHEDULE.
YES.
AND TELL THEM I'M GONNA SING "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
" FINE.
I'LL TELL DJ RON.
WHEN IS YOUR SPOT? RIGHT AFTER CARRIE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
CARRIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? SINGING.
YOU'RE TRYING TO GET STALKED.
OK, LET'S MAKE A LITTLE NOISE FOR DOUG HEFFERNAN! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, IMPRESS YOUR LITTLE STALKER? NO.
MY STALKER WENT ALL FATAL ATTRACTION ON ME SINCE YOU BLOCKED HER E-MAILS.
NOW SHE WANTS ME TO SING.
WELL, SHOW HER TO ME.
I'LL KICK HER ASS.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
NO! LET'S GO.
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
DOUG? WAIT.
WHAT ARE YOU IN SUCH A HURRY FOR, SWEETIE? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I SANG YOUR SONG.
NOW, LEAVE ME ALONE.
SOMEBODY JUST WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU THIS MESSAGE.
HERE.
"LOOK BEHIND YOU"? HELLO, DOUG.
SPENCE? YOU'RE CUTIEPIE32? THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL SO YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME? WHAT? NO! NO.
LISTEN.
IT ALL STARTED THAT FIRST NIGHT WE WENT TO KARAOKE.
YOU'RE NOT A PRANKSTER.
YOU'RE A VICTIM.
ACCEPT IT, AND YOU'RE GONNA SAVE YOURSELF A LOT OF HEARTACHE.
WHO'S THE VICTIM NOW? ME.
AND IN ABOUT ONE MINUTE, YOU.
I'M-I'M GONNA GET GOING.
YOU KNEW THAT BILL WAS COMING DUE.
DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS.
I DON'T PERFORM WELL UNDER PRESSURE.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
BUT MAYBE KARAOKE WILL BE DIFFERENT.
RELAX, MAN.
WE'LL ALL BE THERE.
IT'S GONNA BE A HOOT.
A HOOT? YOU GOT TO STOP HANGING AROUND WHITE PEOPLE.
HEY, HEY.
DANNY ISN'T HERE YET, IS HE? MM-MMM.
WHEN HE COMES HERE, EXCUSE YOURSELF AND GO UPSTAIRS.
WHAT FOR? I WANT YOU TO CALL HIM ON HIS CELL PHONE, OK? SAY YOU'RE FROM THE LAB AND YOU HAVE HIS TEST RESULTS, OK? AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVE IT ALL HERE IN THIS SCRIPT.
THIS IS FUNNY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I COULD DO IT IN AN ACCENT.
LIKE "I'M FROM THE INSTITUTE.
" THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
THAT WOULD BE GREAT.
HERE HE COMES.
I GOT TO TRY NOT TO LAUGH.
WHAT'S UP, MAN? HI, GUYS.
WHAT'S GOING ON? SPENCE WANTED ME TO SCREW WITH YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WOW.
YOU REALLY DID YOUR HOMEWORK.
I WOULD'VE BEEN DEVASTATED.
I'M GONNA GRAB A BEER.
DANNY PULLS PRANKS ON ME ALL THE TIME.
I JUST WANTED TO GET HIM BACK ONCE.
SPENCE, LET ME BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU.
YOU'RE NOT A PRANKSTER.
YOU'RE A VICTIM.
ACCEPT IT, AND YOU'RE GONNA SAVE YOURSELF A LOT OF HEARTACHE.
OH, BY THE WAY, WHEN WE GET TO KARAOKE TONIGHT, I'M STAYING IN CHARACTER, SO I'LL ONLY ANSWER TO "NEIL" OR "MR.
DIAMOND.
" SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GONNA SING? I WAS GONNA DO THE CARPENTERS, BUT AFTER THAT "WHITE PEOPLE" COMMENT, THINKING I MIGHT GO TUPAC.
I DON'T GET THIS SONG.
DID SHE HEAR ABOUT THE LETTER LISTENING TO THE RADIO, OR WAS IT PHYSICALLY ON TOP OF THE RADIO? YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD, AND I'M SINGING "LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN.
" WHOO! GOOD, CARRIE! GIVE IT UP.
YEAH! ALL RIGHT, HONEY.
YOUR TURN.
HAVE FUN.
YEAH, I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.
LET'S HAVE A BIG SCOOTER McGEE'S WELCOME FOR DOUG HEFFERNAN! WHOO! YEAH! COME ON, BABY! WHOO! WHOO! OOH! LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR DOUG HEFFERNAN.
YEAH! HONEY, I GOT TO TELL YOU, THAT DID NOT SUCK.
YEAH, THAT WAS GREAT.
I FELT LIKE I WAS OFF-REALLY? YEAH.
DID YOU FIND A MOVIE YET? AT THE MIDWAY WE CAN STILL MAKE THE 7:15 SHOWING OF HABEAS CORPUS.
I HEAR THAT'S GREAT.
IT'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
MM-MMM.
YOU KNOW MY RULE.
IF IT'S TRUE, IT'S CRAPAROO.
I'LL KEEP LOOKING.
DOUG, YOU GOT AN E-MAIL.
HMM.
WHO IS IT FROM? UH, IT SAYS, "CUTIEPIE32.
" OH.
OPEN IT UP.
OK.
"I HOPE THIS IS THE RIGHT DOUG HEFFERNAN.
"DID YOU SING AT THE KARAOKE BAR LAST NIGHT? "I'M THERE ALMOST EVERY NIGHT, AND YOU WERE AWESOME.
ANYWAY, JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW.
" HMM.
FAN MAIL.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET THAT WHEN YOU WON THE WING-EATING CONTEST.
THAT TIME YOU PUT YOUR LIFE ON THE LINE.
YEAH, RELAX, EVERYBODY, ALL RIGHT? YOU SANG "BRANDY.
" IT'S LIKE ONE OCTAVE.
OK, GUYS, LET'S HIT THIS PIZZA HARD AND GET OUT OF HERE.
I'M NOT MISSING THE HARRY POTTER PREVIEW AGAIN.
WHAT'S GOING ON? DOUG'S GOT A LITTLE KARAOKE FAN.
REALLY? YEAH.
APPARENTLY, I DON'T JUST SING A SONG.
I MAKE LOVE TO IT.
MAN.
DO YOU THINK IT WAS THOSE AER LINGUS STEWARDESSES THAT SANG "DANCING QUEEN"? WHOA.
LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES HERE.
HOW DO WE KNOW THAT "CUTIEPIE" ISN'T "CUTIEGUY"? YOU KNOW WHO IT IS? I BET YOU IT'S THE HOT WAITRESS.
YOU REMEMBER SHE SAID I DID A GOOD JOB.
YEAH, YEAH.
IT'S NOT LIKE SHE WAS ANGLING FOR A TIP OR ANYTHING.
OOH, LOOK AT THIS.
I GOT ANOTHER E-MAIL FROM CUTIEPIE32.
UNBELIEVABLE.
"OK, TRUTH TIME.
"IT'S NOT JUST THAT I'M A FAN OF YOUR SINGING.
"I THINK YOU'RE REALLY SEXY.
"OH, AND THANKS FOR OPENING YOUR SHIRT A LITTLE.
THAT WAS THE ICING ON THE CAKE.
" SHE'S USING A SEMI-COLON AND CLOSED PARENTHESES.
SHE'S WINKING AT YOU.
HEY.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE GOING TO THE MOVIES.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
LET'S GET GOING.
TAKE CARE, CARRIE.
DON'T WANNA BE LATE FOR HABEAS CORPUS.
HAVE FUN.
DOUG.
YEAH? WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOUR LAPTOP TO THE MOVIES? UH, SO I CAN WRITE ABOUT IT IN MY BLOG.
COME ON, MAN.
ARE WE GONNA PLAY BASKETBALL OR WHAT? JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES.
SHE'S GONNA E-MAIL ME.
I CAN FEEL IT.
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER IN 3 DAYS.
I KNOW.
ONE MINUTE SHE'S SENDING ME A LIST OF OUR CHILDREN'S NAMES- I LIKE CALEB.
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, NOTHING.
I DON'T GET IT.
MAYBE SHE'S JUST BEEN BUSY AND DOESN'T HAVE THE TIME.
HEY, YOU'RE A STALKER.
YOU MAKE THE TIME.
UH-HUH.
BACK IN BUSINESS.
LET ME SEE HERE.
UHH! IT'S FROM MY MOM.
"10 REASONS WHY MEN LEAVE THE SEAT UP.
" DELETE! DELETE! TAKE IT EASY, MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU GETTING ALL WORKED UP ABOUT THIS FOR? I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST MADE ME FEEL GOOD.
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY THAT A WOMAN ASKS TO SEE ME IN TIGHTER CLOTHES.
YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE PROBABLY JUST LOST INTEREST.
MEMORIES FADE, MAN.
THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU SANG ONE SONG TO HER A WEEK AGO.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE NEXT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SING? NEIL DIAMOND.
OH, SORRY.
YOU, UH - YOU GOT TO PICK SOMETHING ELSE.
SOMEBODY SANG HIM AT HAPPY HOUR.
SO WHAT? WE DON'T DOUBLE DIAMOND HERE.
IT SAYS SO ON THE SIGN-UP SHEET.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
I'LL DO IT NEXT WEEK.
BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT PUNISHING ME.
YOU'RE PUNISHING THEM.
HOW MUCH FUN WAS THAT? I KNOW.
I HAD TO DRAG YOU THERE THE FIRST TIME, AND NOW YOU'RE DRAGGING ME THERE.
I GOT THE FEVER! I KNOW.
HEY, HONEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO UPSTAIRS AND, UH, MAKE SOME MORE ENDLESS LOVE? OH.
WELL, I WOULDN'T COUNT ON THE "ENDLESS" PART, BUT YEAH.
OK.
I'M GONNA GO TAKE A SHOWER.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE UP THERE IN A MINUTE.
S- S-STILL NOTHING.
HONEY? UH WHAT? UH, I WAS THINKING WANNA TAKE A SHOWER WITH ME? CONSERVE WATER? OH.
SEE, NOW, I LIKE WHERE YOU'RE GOING THERE BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE WE CAN GET UP THERE AND HAVE A LITTLE- FUN.
LET'S LATHER UP.
WHO'S "CUTIEPIE32"? YEAH, I THINK IT'S DEA- IT'S DEACON.
"THE SUBJECT IS 'YOUR ARMS LOOKED SEXY TONIGHT.
'" YEAH, IT'S DEFINITELY DEACON.
OPEN IT UP.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TALK TO HIM TOMORROW.
YOU SHOULD OPEN IT UP.
OK.
OK.
THERE YOU GO.
OH! DID DEACON SCAN HIS PANTIES AND SEND THEM TO YOU? THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A CRY FOR HELP.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? NOTHING.
JU- WHO IS THAT? I DON'T KNOW.
YOU DON'T KNOW? I DON'T KNOW.
I NEVER MET HER.
SHE SAW ME SING KARAOKE, AND, UH, SHE'S BEEN E - MAILING ME EVER SINCE.
I DON'T WRITE HER BACK.
SO THAT'S WHY YOU BROUGHT ME THERE TONIGHT? SO YOU COULD SING TO HER? AND YOU.
COME ON.
HOW ABOUT THAT SHOWER? OH, MY- YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG HERE.
YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG? YOU'RE HAVING SOME THING WITH SOME CYBER-SKANK.
IT'S NOT A THING.
SHE'S STALKING ME.
I'M THE VICTIM HERE.
OH, YOU'RE THE VICTIM.
OK.
YOU'RE LOVING THIS.
OH, COM- OH, I GET IT.
OH, MY YOU'RE JEALOUS.
I'M JEALOUS.
I'M JEALOUS OF WHAT? YOU'RE JEALOUS I HAVE A STALKER AND YOU DON'T.
EXCUSE ME, DOUG.
I HAVE HAD PLENTY OF STALKERS, OK? YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAD TO MOVE OR CHANGE MY PHONE NUMBER 'CAUSE I WAS BEING HOUNDED BY SOME WEIRDO? HMM.
NOT RINGING A BELL SINCE I'VE KNOWN YOU.
ANYONE STALK YOU, SAY, IN THE 21ST CENTURY? YES.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M BEING STALKED RIGHT NOW.
REALLY? YEAH.
BY WHO? BY TOMMY LEONARDI, OK? I KNEW HIM FROM HIGH SCHOOL.
HE GOOGLED ME, AND HE E-MAILED ME JUST TODAY.
HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
WOW.
WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME? FINE.
THAT'S FINE.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
IT AIN'T PRETTY.
"THEN IN APRIL, I WAS TRANSFERRED TO TUCSON.
SO ME, ALICE, DYLAN, AND THE TWINS PACKED UP THE CAR " THAT'S YOUR STALKER? THAT'S A CHRISTMAS LETTER.
DOUG, THAT'S THE WAY IT STARTS.
THEN THE PHONE CALLS.
THEN THE HANG-UPS.
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE'S GONNA BE WEARING MY SKIN AS A SUIT.
NOW YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU AND YOUR LITTLE KARAOKE SLUT - YOU'RE THROUGH.
OK? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? BELIEVE ME, IF THERE WAS SOME MAGICAL WAY TO BLOCK HER FROM E-MAILING ME, I WOULD.
THERE.
SHE'S BLOCKED.
THANK YOU.
DOUG, STOP CHECKING YOUR INBOX.
CARRIE BLOCKED HER.
IT'S OVER.
YOU KNOW, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I CAN'T HAVE ANYTHING ANYMORE.
NO MORE RING-DINGS.
NO STALKER.
WHY DO I EVEN GET OUT OF BED? JUST COME WATCH CELEBRITY POKER.
MARG HELGENBERGER HAS POCKET ACES.
I'M NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE.
SPENCE, YOU KNOW ABOUT COMPUTER CRAP.
IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN UNDO THIS BLOCK? WELL, YEAH, BUT THEN COME OVER HERE AND HELP ME.
I DON'T WANNA GET CARRIE MAD AT ME.
SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU ANYWAY, OK? NOW, DO ME A FAVOR AND JUST UN-CRACK THE CODE.
THERE'S NO CODE.
YOU JUST HIT "UNBLOCK.
" OK, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW THE SAUSAGE IS MADE.
JUST DO IT.
I DID IT, OK? AND I WAS NEVER HERE.
OK.
COME ON, CUTIEPIE32.
I GOT TO TELL YOU, I'M SEEING YOUR CLOTHES ALL OVER THE LAWN.
AH.
AND WELCOME BACK, CUTIEPIE.
"DEAR DOUG.
FIRST YOU BLOCK ME, THEN YOU UNBLOCK ME.
NOBODY TREATS ME LIKE THAT.
NOBODY.
" DA- SHE'S A LITTLE SHE'S A LITTLE MIFFED.
"DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY FROM ME, BECAUSE I'M WATCHING YOU.
" WATCHING ME.
THAT'S RIGHT OUT OF THE "CRAZY" HANDBOOK, AM I RIGHT? YEAH.
RIGHT.
"I LIKE YOUR SHIRT.
I'M A METS FAN, TOO.
" UH I-I-I'M GONNA HEAD OUT.
YEAH, YEAH.
MY, UH, DOG'S BEEN COOPED UP ALL DAY.
I'M GONNA HEAD OUT, TOO.
GUYS, IT'S A LUCKY GUESS.
HALF THE FAT GUYS IN QUEENS WEAR METS SHIRTS.
OH, GOD! YOU KNOW, YOU CAN WARN A PERSON WHEN YOU'RE GONNA MAKE TEA, OK? COMMON COURTESY! YOU EVER HEAR OF KNOCKING? WHAT'S GOING ON? THIS CAME IN.
"HEY, DOUG, SORRY I'VE BEEN A LITTLE HARD ON YOU.
"YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD REALLY CHEER ME UP? "IF YOU WOULD SING ME A SONG TONIGHT AT THE KARAOKE BAR.
"HOW ABOUT 'I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU'? I REALLY HOPE YOU DON'T LET ME DOWN.
" DOESN'T SOUND SO BAD.
YEAH? THIS CAME WITH IT.
I GUESS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T LET HER DOWN.
HEY, HOW MANY OF YOU OUT THERE LIKE CHRISTMAS? WELL, I DO, TOO.
WHY DON'T WE CELEBRATE A LITTLE EARLY WITH ONE OF MY FAVORITES.
AND IF ANYBODY LIKES WHAT THEY HEAR OR SEE, THAT'S WITH TWO F's, BY THE WAY.
HERE WE GO.
HELLO.
ARE YOU FROM OUT OF TOWN? YEAH, I COULD TELL.
DID YOU GUYS COME TOGETHER? OH, THAT'S SO UNFORTUNATE.
HEY, I NEED YOUR SPOT.
WHAT? NO WAY.
I'VE BEEN WAITING 2 WEEKS TO DO THIS.
DANNY, IF MY STALKER DOESN'T HEAR ME SING TONIGHT, I'M GONNA DIE.
OH.
I SEE.
NOW I HAVE TO GO ON HER SCHEDULE.
YES.
AND TELL THEM I'M GONNA SING "I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
" FINE.
I'LL TELL DJ RON.
WHEN IS YOUR SPOT? RIGHT AFTER CARRIE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
CARRIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? SINGING.
YOU'RE TRYING TO GET STALKED.
OK, LET'S MAKE A LITTLE NOISE FOR DOUG HEFFERNAN! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, IMPRESS YOUR LITTLE STALKER? NO.
MY STALKER WENT ALL FATAL ATTRACTION ON ME SINCE YOU BLOCKED HER E-MAILS.
NOW SHE WANTS ME TO SING.
WELL, SHOW HER TO ME.
I'LL KICK HER ASS.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
NO! LET'S GO.
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
DOUG? WAIT.
WHAT ARE YOU IN SUCH A HURRY FOR, SWEETIE? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I SANG YOUR SONG.
NOW, LEAVE ME ALONE.
SOMEBODY JUST WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU THIS MESSAGE.
HERE.
"LOOK BEHIND YOU"? HELLO, DOUG.
SPENCE? YOU'RE CUTIEPIE32? THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL SO YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME? WHAT? NO! NO.
LISTEN.
IT ALL STARTED THAT FIRST NIGHT WE WENT TO KARAOKE.
YOU'RE NOT A PRANKSTER.
YOU'RE A VICTIM.
ACCEPT IT, AND YOU'RE GONNA SAVE YOURSELF A LOT OF HEARTACHE.
WHO'S THE VICTIM NOW? ME.
AND IN ABOUT ONE MINUTE, YOU.
I'M-I'M GONNA GET GOING.