The King of Queens s08e22 Episode Script

Fight Schlub

HI.
WHAT'S FOR DINNER? SOUP.
THAT'S IT? JUST SOUP? YUP.
'CAUSE USUALLY, IT'S LIKE SOUP AND- OK, DO YOU REALLY WANT A SALAD? I'M JUST SAYING, SOMETHING'S GOTTA LURE ME IN HERE, I MEAN- WHAT'S IT GONNA BE, THE HOT WATER OR THE MUSHY VEGETABLES? DOUG, COME ON, I WORKED REALLY HARD ON THIS, I CHOPPED, I DICED, I EVEN WORE AN APRON, PLEASE TRY IT.
FINE.
SO? MM-HM.
IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
JUST NEEDS SOMETHING.
WHAT? A SLAB OF RIBS.
I'M CALLING SMOKEY JOE'S.
HONEY, DID YOU SEE MY BLUE CAMISOLE? I THINK I'D BE MORE OF A HELP IF I KNEW WHAT A CAMISOLE WAS.
IT'S LIKE A TANK TOP, ONLY NICER.
ANYWAY I TOOK IT OUT LAST NIGHT AND NOW IT'S GONE.
DIDN'T JUST GET UP AND WALK AWAY.
I'M SORRY, DO YOU THINK I'M WEARING IT UNDER HERE AND NOT TELLING YOU? COME ON! I WANNA LOOK NICE TODAY.
I'M MEETING THAT GIRL THAT I'M MENTORING.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU KNOW THE THING THAT MY COMPANY SPONSORS, WHERE YOU CAN VOLUNTEER TO HELP A TROUBLED TEEN? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT.
DID NOT.
YES YOU DID.
YOU SAID, "WHY WOULD I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME WITH SOME PIMPLE-FACED REJECT WHO'S PROBABLY GONNA END UP ROBBING A LIQUOR STORE?" DOUG, THE POINT IS THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND I CAN REALLY RELATE TO THESE GIRLS, YOU KNOW? WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER, I DID SOME MESSED-UP STUFF.
AFTER MY MOM DIED I STARTED FLUNKING OUT OF CLASSES, SHOPLIFTING- NOT TO MENTION PROMISCUOUS AS HELL.
WO-WHOAH, WHERE YOU GOING? HEY, YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED UP THERE.
I'M RETURNING CARRIE'S CAMISOLE.
WHAT!? I WAS SHINING THE MAILBOX.
I BEGGED YOU TO BUY ME THAT CHAMOIS AT CALDOR'S! ALL RIGHT, BOYS, I SKIPPED BREAKFAST, I'M STARVING, SO YOU KNOW THE RULE.
YUP.
ANYTHING WE'RE NOT CHEWING, COULD BE YOURS.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
WHAT'S UP? OVER THERE, A BUNCH OF GUYS FROM PRIORITY PLUS.
MAN, I HATE THOSE GUYS.
"WE OFFER QUALITY SERVICE AT AFFORDABLE PRICES.
" HOW GAY IS THAT? YEAH, AND THEY'RE SITTING AT OUR TABLE, YOU KNOW.
COME ON.
LEMME - LEMME HANDLE THIS, OK? GENTLEMEN.
I UNDERSTAND YOU GUYS AREN'T FROM AROUND HERE, AND YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW BUT THIS HERE, IT'S AN I.
P.
S.
TABLE.
HAS BEEN SINCE 2002.
WE KNEW THAT.
WHY DO YOU THINK WE SAT HERE? HEY, HOW'S THAT 428 DI-CAD WORKING OUT FOR YOU? STILL FREEZING UP BY THE AIRPORT? THAT'S IT! EASY, EASY! HE'S NOT WORTH IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT GUYS? I DON'T LIKE THE SMELL IN HERE.
LET'S BOUNCE.
YEAH, WE'RE BOUNCIN'.
OH, BY THE WAY, TRY TO ENJOY YOUR ICED TEA WITHOUT SWEET AND LOW.
CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER? YES, CAN I GET A, UH, NUMBER 3, UH- A BACON CHEESEBURGER AND A LARGE FRY? YUP.
PLEASE PULL FORWARD.
UH- HOW'S THAT? YEAH, OK.
YEAH, AND A CHICKEN SANDWICH AND A CHOCOLATE SHAKE, FOR MY FRIEND.
PLEASE PULL FORWARD.
YOU GOT IT.
CAN I UH, GET SOME EXTRA KETCHUP? ANYWAY, I KNOW BEING 16 IS REALLY HARD, IT'S REALLY, REALLY HARD.
I MEAN, I WAS 16 WHEN MY MOM DIED.
MY MOM'S NOT DEAD, SHE JUST SLEEPS WITH EVERY DUDE WHO OWNS A GUITAR.
MM-HM, MM-HM.
THAT CAN BE ROUGH TOO.
SO YOU LIKE FRIES, HUH? I GUESS.
COOL.
COOL.
ME TOO.
CALL ME CRAZY, I LIKE FRIES.
SO ANYTHING YOU, UH, YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT? BOY TROUBLE, GIRL TROUBLE? ANYTHING YOU WANNA RAP ABOUT, JUST SHOOT.
SO HOW MUCH MORE MENTORING DO YOU HAVE PLANNED? 'CAUSE I'M SUPPOSED TO GO GET A TATTOO.
THAT'S ABOUT IT, LET ME GET THE CHECK, EXCUSE ME- OH, BE JUST A MINUTE HON.
SO IF IT WERE ME, I'D DUMP HIM.
OKEYDOKE.
LET'S JUST TAKE OFF.
GINA, DEAR, WE CAN'T JUST TAKE OFF, OK? AS YOUR MENTOR, I SHOULD TELL YOU, IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO OBEY THE LAW.
THE WAITRESS IS A JERK, THE FOOD SUCKED- SO LET'S JUST GO.
MISS? IF I CAN- JUST A SEC.
I MEAN SERIOUSLY, IT'S RIDICULOUS.
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS A MILLION TIMES.
OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! WHAT? YOU ACTUALLY DID IT? ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS ISN'T RIGHT, LET'S GO BACK IN AND PAY THE- NAH-UH.
QUICK, BEHIND THE DUMPSTER.
HELLO? OH, UM- HI, MR.
DUGAN.
IT'S MY BOSS.
UH, THE MENTORING IS GOING FINE.
ACTUALLY I JUST WISH I HAD A LITTLE BIT MORE TIME WITH HER.
THIS IS ONE TROUBLED TEEN.
REALLY? OK, GREAT.
WELL- THEN I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
THANKS.
BYE-BYE.
WELL I HAVE THE DAY OFF.
WHAT DO YOU GOT GOING ON? I'M SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.
OH, REALLY? SCHOOL? "I LIKE TO LEARN.
" COME ON, LET'S GO TO THE MOVIES.
I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.
YOU DON'T NEED ANY MONEY, YOU JUST FLIRT WITH THE USHER WHILE I SNEAK IN BACK AND OPEN UP THE FIRE EXIT FOR YOU.
AH! HONEY, I AM GOING TO TEACH YOU SOME THINGS- NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT! YOU KNOW THEY MAKE SALAD IN A CUP NOW? DO ME A FAVOR, KEEP IT MOVIN', ALL RIGHT? YOU KNOW I THINK WITH MY WINCH AND SOME FRENCH FRY OIL, I COULD PROBABLY GET YOU OUTTA THERE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M FINE.
SERIOUSLY, LEMME PULL YOUR TRUCK OUT.
I'D RATHER STAY HERE THE REST OF MY LIFE THAN HAVE SOME PRIORITY PLUS CLOWN GET ME OUT OF HERE, OK? SO GET OUT OF HERE! GREAT, FINE- YEAH- I'LL LET YOU GET STARTED WITH THAT.
OK.
OH GOD! HEY! COME BACK! HEY, THANKS A LOT FOR, UH, TOWING MY TRUCK TO THE BODY SHOP.
YA KNOW, IF MY SUPERVISOR EVER FOUND OUT, I MEAN- IT'D JUST- I MEAN- HEH.
YOU KNOW.
YEAH, YEAH.
I BET YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE A GOOD LAUGH ABOUT THIS ONE, HUH? "HEY, CHUBBY I.
P.
S.
GUY GETS STUCK IN HIS OWN DOOR.
" MAN, I'M NOT GONNA TELL ANYBODY, I'M THE LAST GUY TO CALL ANYBODY FAT.
WHAT ARE YOU - WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? GROWING UP, I WAS A PRETTY BIG BOY.
REALLY? YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT MY NICKNAME WAS IN JUNIOR HIGH? "BOY GORGE.
" SEE? I'D KILL FOR A NICKNAME LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY USED TO CALL ME? "THE FAT KID.
" NOT A VERY CLEVER JUNIOR HIGH, WAS IT? YEAH, ME, GLASSES AND PEES-HIMSELF SPENT A LOT OF LONELY LUNCHES TOGETHER.
I CAN TOP THAT, HERE'S ME IN THE 7th GRADE.
PARACHUTE PANTS AND A TRIPLE XL NEIL DIAMOND JACKET.
YOU- YOU LIKE NEIL DIAMOND? YEAH, SO? I LOVE HIM, I WAS ON THE PHONE ALL MORNING TRYING TO GET TICKETS TO HIS CONCERT NEXT WEEK.
SOLD OUT! I HAPPEN TO HAVE I FOUND OUT MY GIRLFRIEND HAS TO WORK.
OH YEAH? I'M JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW.
YEAH BUT- WE COULDN'T, YOU KNOW? BECAUSE, I MEAN I'M- AND YOU'RE A- YOU- YOU KNOW- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHERE ARE THE SEATS? ROW C.
I'M IN.
GOOD.
HEY, HERE COMES ONE OF YOUR TRUCKS.
OH MY GOD, THAT'S DEACON! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HE CAN'T SEE US TOGETHER, IT DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.
WELL, THIS DOESN'T LOOK GREAT.
HEY.
HEY.
YOU'RE HOME LATE.
OH, WELL, SO I'M A LITTLE LATE, WHAT, IS IT A CRIME? HEH.
NO.
I GOTTA TELL YA, I HAD A GREAT TIME MENTORING THAT GIRL TODAY.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW WHEN YOU MEET SOMEBODY AND YOU JUST CLICK? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
ANYWAY, DEACON CALLED.
HE DID? WHAT DID HE WANT? HE SAID HE NEEDED TO TALK TO YOU.
DID HE SAY HE NEEDED TO TALK TO ME OR HE WANTED TO TALK TO ME? I DON'T KNOW, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? CARRIE, IT'S A BIG DIFFERENCE, OK? WAS HE ANGRY, WAS HE SAD? DID HE SOUND LIKE A MAN WHO HAD BEEN BETRAYED? OK, WHAT'S GOING ON? CARRIE.
I MET SOMEONE.
AND SHOULDN'T I BE MORE UPSET ABOUT THAT THAN DEACON? HE'S A PRIORITY PLUS DRIVER AND HE GAVE ME A LIFT HOME AND, I DUNNO, ONE THING LED TO ANOTHER, AND I'M GONNA PROBABLY GO SEE A NEIL DIAMOND CONCERT WITH HIM NEXT WEEK.
SO GO, I DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM.
YOU DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM? OK.
WE'RE TWO DRIVERS FROM RIVAL DELIVERY COMPANIES AND YOU DON'T SEE THE PROBLEM? BOY.
I'D LOVE TO LIVE IN YOUR CANDY-COATED WORLD, LADY.
DOUG, I CAN'T SEE WHY YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS.
I MEAN, YOU LIKE THE GUY.
YOU BOTH DO THE SAME THING.
OH, THEN WHY AREN'T YOU HANGING OUT WITH SOMEBODY WHO WORKS AT A RIVAL OFFICE PLACE COMPANY, HUH? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING DO YOU? THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU! OH MY GOD, YOU ARE GONNA LOOK SO PRETTY IN THAT TOP WE BOUGHT.
I KNOW, AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT WAS 50% OFF.
WELL, IT WASN'T UNTIL MAMA TOOK THE PRICE TAG OFF THAT RAIN COAT.
HEH HEH HEH.
GOOD WORK, HUH? HAH! ANYWAY YOU'RE TOTALLY WEARING THAT TOMORROW WHEN WE GO CLUBBING.
CARRIE, I CAN'T GO CLUBBING, I'M ONLY 16.
YOU'RE RIGHT, GINA CAN'T GO CLUBBING, BUT UH, "BETH WYCOWSKI" CAN! YOU GOT ME A FAKE I.
D.
? THAT'S WHAT MENTORS DO.
THERE YOU GO.
AW, THANKS.
OK.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
OK.
WHAT'S THAT ABOUT A FAKE I.
D.
? NOTHING.
SOUNDED LIKE SOMETHING TO ME.
LOOK, IT'S MY BUSINESS OK? I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE, YOUNG LADY! I DON'T THINK I CARE.
OH, I SEE WE'VE STARTED SMOKING.
HOW VERY SOPHISTICATED.
LOOK, I'M HOLDING THEM FOR A FRIEND, ALL RIGHT? GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY.
I WILL NOT.
YOU'RE PAINTED UP LIKE A WHORE AND YOU'RE SMOKING LIKE A CHIMNEY.
THE WHORE PART I'M USED TO, BUT THE CIGARETTES WILL KILL YA.
LOOK, I'M JUST HAVING SOME FUN, ALL RIGHT? BEING A MENTOR ISN'T ABOUT HAVING FUN.
IT'S ABOUT BEING A PROPER EXAMPLE.
LIKE YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT THAT, RIGHT? GO TO YOUR ROOM! NO.
YOU'VE JUST LOST YOUR ALLOWANCE, YOUNG LADY! OK, I GIVE YOU AN ALLOWANCE.
YES.
ACTUALLY, I'M GOING TO NEED AN ADVANCE ON THAT.
ANYWAY, WE'LL MEET AT COOPER'S AT 7:00 AND WE'LL GO TO THE CONCERT FROM THERE.
OK, OH, AND BY THE WAY, YOU LEFT YOUR SWEATER IN MY CAR.
NOT THE V-NECK THE OTHER ONE.
OK, I GOT HEAT, I GOTTA GO.
HEY, GUYS.
HEY.
WHAT'S GOING ON IN, UH, DEACONVILLE? ME AND DANNY GOTTA DO ANOTHER HALF SHIFT TONIGHT.
YEAH, HOW COME? AW, O'BOYLE'S LIKE A DOG WITH A BONE ABOUT KEEPING UP WITH PRIORITY PLUS.
THOSE GUYS RUN A PRETTY TIGHT OPERATION, MAYBE WE COULD, UH, YOU KNOW, LEARN SOMETHING FROM THEM.
CAN'T LEARN ANYTHING FROM THOSE GUYS, THEY'RE A BUNCH OF ARROGANT JERKS.
"JERKS" IS A PRETTY UGLY WORD.
OK, HOW'S "ASS-WIPE" WORK FOR YA? HUH.
GUESS I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN'T THINK HATE IS FUNNY.
WHAT'S WITH YOU? NOTHING.
I LIKE A PRIORITY PLUS GUY! LOOK, YOU HEARD ME OK? I LIKE ONE OF THEIR GUYS, YOU KNOW, AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT.
I- I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING.
LOOK, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR IT TO HAPPEN, ALL RIGHT? I MEAN, THE GUY, HE TOWED MY TRUCK OUT OF A DRIVE-THRU, SOMETHING YOU GUYS WOULD NEVER DO FOR ME.
I TOWED YOU OUT OF A WENDY'S DRIVE-THRU NOT A MONTH AGO! YEAH, AND I PULLED YOU OUT OF A TUBE IN A McDONALD'S PLAYLAND.
WHATEVER, ALL RIGHT? THE POINT IS, YOU KNOW I LOVE I.
P.
S.
I BLEED GREEN! OH, COME ON DANNY, YOU'RE WITH ME RIGHT? YOU BROKE MY HEART.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M SORRY, ALL RIGHT? BUT I LIKE JACK.
HE LIKES NEIL DIAMOND, AND TONIGHT THE 3 OF US, WE ARE ONE.
HEY, THERE YOU ARE.
YOU WANT TO, UH, TAKE MY CAR? NAH, WE'LL TAKE MINE.
COME ON.
WHERE IS IT? IT'S OVER HERE, KEEP WALKING.
I DON'T SEE YOUR CAR.
BOYS! IF THEY'RE COMING, I DIDN'T ORDER ENOUGH POPCORN CHICKEN.
YOU SET ME UP THE WHOLE TIME? YEAH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, I REALLY WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH AN I.
P.
S.
DRIVER? WHAT ABOUT THE LUNCHES, THE MOVIES, THE- THE ROLLERBLADING IN THE PARK? HOW'D YOU KNOW I LIKE NEIL DIAMOND? ALL THE FAT BOYS LIKE HIM.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE.
I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE.
WORKING LATE HUH? WHAT THE HELL? UH- WENT TO THE NEIL DIAMOND CONCERT.
I GOTTA TELL YA, THAT GUY PUTS ON A REAL SHOW.
ALL RIGHT, THEY GOT ME, THEY GOT ME BAD! MAN, I TOLD YOU, YOU SHOULD'VE NEVER TRUSTED THAT GUY.
AW, GREAT.
THEY PULLED A BUBBLE MUMMY ON YA.
MAN, HOW ARE WE EVER GONNA SHOW OUR FACES AROUND COOPER'S AGAIN? SIMPLE, WE GO THERE TOMORROW, WE TAKE BACK OUR TABLE, AND I TAKE BACK MY DIGNITY.
WHOA, GUY, EASY AROUND THE FUN ZONE.
EASY.
HEY.
HEY.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING DRESSED LIKE THAT? WE'RE GONNA GO SEE "THE THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER," ALL MALE REVUE.
YOU DON'T WANT THOSE AUSTRALIAN HOTTIES TO SEE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT.
ACTUALLY, ME AND MY MOM HAD A REALLY NICE TALK AND I THINK SHE'S FINALLY GETTING HER ACT TOGETHER.
OH, YEAH? YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS GETTING THEIR ACT TOGETHER? THE THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER.
NOW LETS GET YOU CHANGED! REALLY, CARRIE, IT GOT ME THINKING, I SHOULD MAKE SOME CHANGES TOO, SO I THINK I'M JUST GONNA STAY HOME AND STUDY FOR MY CHEMISTRY TEST.
OH, PLEASE.
LIKE YOU'RE GONNA BE A CHEMIST, RIGHT? OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO SORRY.
I'VE BEEN A HORRIBLE MENTOR.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU WERE GREAT.
I MEAN, YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO HOT-WIRE A MOPED.
YES, EXACTLY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO.
YEAH, I SHOULD.
BUT LISTEN, IF YOU NEVER NEED ANY ADVICE, PLEASE CALL ME.
I PROBABLY WON'T.
YEAH, YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T.
ALL RIGHT, GOOD LUCK.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY RETURNED MY PACKAGE.
I GUESS THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL BULK MAIL.
THAT'S PRETTY FUNNY, JACK.
BUT YOU GUYS AIN'T GONNA TAKE COOPER'S FROM US.
YOU CAN STAY.
THERE'S A NICE LITTLE TABLE OVER THERE BY THE BATHROOM.
OH, SOMEBODY'S GONNA BE SITTING AT THAT TABLE, BUT IT'S GONNA BE YOU LADIES.
AND HOW'S THAT GONNA HAPPEN? BOYS! OK, IT'S A MOMENT LIKE THIS, THAT DEFINES OUR MANHOOD.
HM? THAT WAS A MISTAKE.
WOOAAAAHHHHH! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? I SAID, HOW'S THAT GONNA HAPPEN? I DUNNO.
I THINK IT'S KINDA COZY, YOU KNOW? IT'S COOL.
IT'S COOL.
SHUT UP.