The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e09 Episode Script

Headwriter (a.k.a. Headwriter Phil)

Hank: "applesauce.
" No, no.
I--i'm kidding.
It says "applause.
" Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick That once? [Applause.]
All right.
Now, remember, You're all a big part Of the show.
So the better You are, The better larry is.
You see This gentleman? Now he's giving me The sign, And it says, "We're on In 10 seconds, So get ready to have A good time.
" Here we go.
This is exciting, Isn't it? Man: in 5, 4, 3, 2-- Hank: live on tape From hollywood, the larry sanders show! Tonight, join larry And his guests-- Hugh grant, Bridget fonda, Musical guests Luscious jackson, And me, "Hey, now!" Hank kingsley.
And now, because It's hotter in here Than it is out there.
Larry sanders! [Cheers and applause.]
Thank you.
Thanks.
That's very nice of you.
Really.
Really, that's Very nice of you, And welcome aboard.
Celebrity caning victim Michael fay [Dispersed chuckling.]
What-- what are you Giggling at? Every time a guy Gets smacked in the ass You laugh? Is that it? Something we all have What left over from when We got beaten as a child, I believe.
Celebrity caning victim Michael fay Is back in the u.
S.
, Uh, from singapore.
And, uh, i can assure you That is a long flight, Especially, uh, When you have to stand The whole way.
He said he shook hands With the man who caned him, And he made some big deal About that.
That's--and frankly, I thought that was just Common courtesy To shake hands with someone Who's seen your butt.
You know.
Whi-- which reminds me.
Nice to see you.
Audience: woo! Well, another misguided, Uh, gray whale Has turned up In santa monica bay, Uh, recently.
It was chased all the way Through the l.
A.
River And right, Uh, ultimately into O.
J.
Simpson's driveway.
Well, you have-- You have reminded me That, uh, the head writer Job here at the larry sanders show is open.
Please send all resumes To my producer artie, And no sense of humor Is required.
Bobby craskin is a hack.
Dave morgan-- hack.
Tom freeley-- Tom freeley wouldn't Know a joke If it drove at him And tried to park In the crack of his ass.
Arthur, i have A 3-year-old niece Who writes funnier stuff Than any of these guys.
Is she available? Eh, you don't want her.
She naps a lot And walks around With a full diaper.
If she had a fondness For malt liquor, Your niece could by My father-in-law.
If you hire Any of these guys To be head writer The show is gonna go Directly into the toilet.
I haven't been able To keep that job Filled For more Than a month Since sherry left.
I wouldn't have hired That son of a bitch frank If i knew he had a deal in the Works with grace under fire.
Opportunistic bastard.
Fucking writer.
We're still talking About frank, right? Yes.
The great bruce fielding.
He's available.
A little late With larry's melon, Huh, beverly? Oh, well, i had to Go and get a new one First, arthur.
I mean, i had it Already cut up Into little chunks The way he always Likes it.
Then he came in Today, said He wanted it bald.
I'd do it, Except i'm already Dating someone.
Sorry.
Thank you, phil.
I want the job, Arthur.
If you're talking about Balding larry's melon, Forget it, phil.
I didn't laugh The first time.
I want to be Head writer.
You're working on A gag here, right? No, i want the job, And i think I deserve it.
You're serious? Yes.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Come on, Arthur.
I know the show, I know what Larry likes, I know his rhythms.
I don't think It'd work out, phil.
Why not? I got him! I got steve martin For thursday, finally.
Hey, sweetie! Another notch On your booking belt.
How did you Manage that? Well, i charmed his ass.
I told him roxanne Was my favorite movie.
I inquired about his play-- In other words, You promised To blow him? Ho ho ho, phil, You know all my little Tricks, don't you? Thanks, paula.
Thanks, phil.
Why wouldn't it work? Well, let's just say That, uh, I don't think you Have the temperament For it.
Now what does that mean? Well, it means, phil, That you're a snide Little prick.
Not that we don't Love that about you, But what we're looking For in a head writer Is more experience, Someone who is more Of a people person.
I'm a people person.
That's true.
In the last You offered to fuck Larry's melon And you accused paula Of promising To orally service A distinguished guest.
Let's face it, son, You're a born diplomat.
Darlene: Arthur.
Arthur Yes? Have you seen Hank yet today? No.
There's a detective From the police department Here to see him.
Look at me, i'm shaking.
Well, sugar, Calm down.
There's no problem.
Sure? Yes.
Sure? Yes.
Unless they found out Who killed Bob eubanks' tree.
[Sobs.]
See? I didn't touch Any of that.
Give me the job, arthur.
Well, just give me Another reason Why i should Consider you.
Ok, because i think That this is a great show, But i know i can Make it better.
Larry's always wanting To do more sketch work, I agree with him.
I'm great at sketch.
I can deliver that.
A sketch does not A head writer make.
Ok, i'd also like To meet with larry At 4:00 every day To take a last look At the material We're gonna do on That night's show, And to discuss Future projects.
Good.
That sounds good.
Yes.
I'll discuss it with larry.
I'll get back to you.
Great.
Listen, i just want you guys To know that whatever You decide I'll go along with.
No shit.
Oh, my god.
Well, you got me.
And i want to apologize.
I just-- um, it's about The, uh, Handicap parking plates, Is that right? [Shudders.]
Ok, i have a friend, And he works at the department Of motor vehicles-- Mr.
Kingsley, I'm here about Your restaurant.
You have A serious problem.
I think you better Sit down.
How's it possible That you don't know What's going on in Your own restaurant? Don't you ever go there? Well, i don't hang out In the mens room, For god's sakes, And that's where The detective says These punks are Selling these drugs.
All these photos Are gonna look like He's talking.
It's a talk show, larry.
Albert, you're always Getting larry With one eye closed.
That's 'cause i'm wincing When hank talks.
I mean, i suspected Some marijuana.
You know, sure, You know, what we used To call wacky tobacky.
Well, i still Call it that-- Wacky weed.
You know, i mean, Pot smoking, i don't mind.
The kids, you know, To get the munchies-- Hot wing sales Go right through the roof.
It's when these kids Get on god-knows-what, You know, they eat Like little birds.
Ok, albert, Let's mix it up.
Fellas, let's try A different pose-- In front of the desk.
God damn it.
Couldn't happen At a worse time.
I mean, the travel guide, People are coming any day.
Yeah, well, there go Your 5 stars.
Right.
Uh, could you sit? No, i want to stand.
Closer together? No.
Perfect.
[Mutters.]
Yeah, right.
I mean, what-- What-- what if one Of these poor kids, You know, gets on, Uh, you know, Some bad stuff? No one likes to Eat at a restaurant Where someone Has died As a rule.
These are all gonna look Like he's talking, I'm telling ya.
Just get Some bouncers.
Get those bastards Out of there.
Get this.
What are you doing? Oh! Ok, put me down.
Get that roll of film-- Put him down, Hank.
Get-- Put him down.
I've gotta Ask you something.
Uh, you know, phil Would like to be Head writer.
What do you think? Oh.
Sure.
What the hell.
Okay, phil, I talked with larry.
Congratulations, You're the new Head writer.
Hey, that is great.
Larry's okay With all of this? He gave it A great deal of thought.
He feels it's The right way to go.
Unbelievable.
Thanks, mike.
Hey, arthur, i have This great sketch idea For larry to do With steve martin.
You want to see it? I do, but run it By paula, So she can fax it To steve's people.
Sure.
Anything else I need to know? Uh, network meeting Tomorrow at 3.
You might want to bring Your razor out of hiding.
Shave, bathe, shampoo, Clean shirt-- See if you can wear Something a touch More conservative.
Any suggestions? Just stay away from Your usual attire, That's all.
Hell, you look Like you're a member Of peanuts gang.
Linus with goatee.
Arthur, Thank larry for me.
Oh, sure, What the hell.
Okay.
We got a sniper In the audience-- Uh, how much Of a raise You making? You know, this decision Was based purely On seniority, right? [Scoffs.]
come on, guys.
What does the sniper Turn out to be? What, 500? I've been here Almost as long As you have.
Paula, send this sketch Over to steve martin.
If he has any questions, He can call me.
Whoa, whoa, Whoa, whoa, whoa, Little big man.
Steve martin's not Doing this sketch.
He's just paneling.
Well, that may Have been the case, But, uh, i'd like you To send it to him.
Uh, after i read it, I'll get it to him.
No, i'd like you To send it to him, And then when You want to read it You can.
Just fax it to him.
He's not gonna do this.
[Sighs.]
just Fax it to him, ok? Has larry even approved this? He hates doing sketches With his guests-- Yes, paula, It's been approved.
By whom? By me, The head writer.
Is that true? Yes.
Oh, goody! That means you'll be Gone in a month.
[Laughing.]
So i put the 100-proof stoli In his drink, He never knew the difference Till he hit the floor.
[Laughing.]
Dennis, this is phil, Our new head writer.
Hi, phil.
Dennis tomlin.
Hi.
How's it going? Hi.
How are you? Enough fooling around.
What's the word? Oh, numbers are good.
Uh, we really love The fact he had sinbad On the other night, Especially since we're, Uh, probably gonna do A project for him.
Super.
Other than that? Great, great, great.
Great! You? Well, i'd like to see A few more promos On prime time, And we'd like to have A few more bucks To get that 500-channel Dimmer board.
It'll update Our lighting package.
Mm-hmm.
Another thrilling meeting.
[Chuckles.]
well, Back to the grind.
See you next week.
And, uh, I'm buying the drinks.
Don't forget.
Do i ever? Hey, guys, Excuse me.
Meeting's over, phil.
Think we covered Everything we had to.
No, i have some things I'd like to discuss.
Oh? Sure.
Ok.
Good enough.
Great.
Go ahead.
[Exhales.]
Ok, um Dennis, we're Gonna be working on Bringing sketch work Back to the show.
Really? Yeah.
I don't like sketches.
Exactly.
Uh, research shows That, um, People don't like larry When he tries to act.
Something like They feel embarrassed For him.
No.
I think we ought To focus on monologues.
Leave the skits to saturday night live.
Ha ha.
No, i think we're Gonna be working on The sketches.
What is this? Youth.
Heh heh.
Well, thanks For your time, dennis.
Shall i see you At the 19th hole? I have more.
Save it, phil.
There's always next week.
I don't know about this.
I'll buy the drinks next week.
See ya, buddy.
[Sighs.]
Are you insane? What? What are you thinking You're doing in here? I came prepared.
You said that these meetings Are very important.
Yes, they are.
All the more reason To shut the fuck up.
[Door opens and closes.]
How'd it go? Great.
Very productive.
Are they going to, uh, Budget us some more money For the remote stuff? Uh, actually, i tried To broach that subject But, uh-- Hey, what did they say About getting us A writers' assistant? Oh, i gotta ask About that next time.
It sounds like You didn't ask For anything.
No.
Uh, listen, I asked for a lot of stuff.
Like what? Hey, you guys, uh, I'm a little busy, ok? They responded to A lot of the ideas That i brought up, It's just that some of them Are not feasible At this juncture.
"Not feasible at This juncture?" Phil, Did that sentence Come with the suit Or did you have to Buy it separately? Hah.
I want 30 monologue Jokes in one hour.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Any word from steve? Yeah, he got the fax, And he's got Some problems.
He thinks You're making fun Of mute people.
It is a takeoff On the piano.
It does not work Without a mute.
No duh.
He also Doesn't want to wear A loincloth On camera.
Oh, give me a break! This guy makes a career Of putting an arrow Through his head, And he won't Wear a loincloth? Well, that's The breaks, junior.
Well, thanks For your help, bitch.
Oh, that'd be So much hotter If you were Wearing your tie.
Hi.
I have a meeting With larry at 4:00.
[Stifles laugh.]
[Laughs.]
Hey, boss.
All right, What have you got For us tonight? Where's larry? Larry drives Through the canyons Every day at 4:00 To unwind Before the show.
Then why did he agree To these meetings? When he agreed To meet with you, This is what he meant, So let's not waste Larry's time.
Sit down.
What have you got? I really think Larry should be here.
I'll make a note Of that now.
Put it in The official minutes.
When does he get back? If there's something You must absolutely Discuss with him, Why don't you call him On his fucking car phone, phil? Car phones don't work In the canyons.
Bingo.
Got it? Let's see The steve martin sketch.
It needs a little work.
Hey! Ha! Hee! Hey, you're A very funny guy! You like it? My laughter Is genuine.
Where'd you get The idea for this? It's a takeoff on The movie the piano.
Have you talked To wardrobe? Because i don't think They'll be able to dig up The costumes You want in time.
I need the costumes.
The costumes Identify the piece, They're our first Big laugh.
Do you need an actual piano Or can you use one of Those casio keyboards? I need an ornate Grand piano.
Good.
You aim For the grand.
When you get the casio, Be thrilled.
Oh, uh, By the way, uh, You know mike's contract Is up in 2 weeks And we're Letting him go.
I'm telling him Right after tonight's show.
Arthur, mike Has done some very Good work for us.
I've been thinking About this for a long time.
Arthur, do you Remember the bosnian Sheepdog joke? Mike wrote that.
It got a huge Applause break.
I'm sure he'll always Cherish that moment.
Keep up the good work, Kiddo.
[Sighs.]
Come on.
Here's a '62 'lark, Hmm.
So what are you Doing this weekend? Guys? I need 3 more solid Monologue jokes For tonight.
Why are we Busting our asses? Well, let's just go Through the pile Of jokes That he didn't use From last week.
Those were Funny jokes.
Tell that to larry.
Yeah.
You know, He's right.
Larry threw out a lot of Really good stuff last week.
I-- i had The janet reno runner.
Greg had the thing about The u.
N.
Peacekeepers.
Guys, i'm trying To finish this, ok? That's what you should do.
Just tell larry He has to use Some of the jokes From last week, 'Cause that was Funny stuff, phil.
Mike, do you like Your job? What? Fuck it.
I'm gonna do the jokes.
You two can sit in a corner And jerk off.
Fine.
Okay, but i can jerk off Anywhere.
Here's the sketch With the changes.
I've left The loincloth in.
If he has Any questions, Have him Give me a call.
He did call.
He's not doing the sketch.
What? He hasn't even Read it yet.
As i predicted, phil, He wasn't gonna like it, But instead of saying that, He backed out of The show entirely.
So guess what? We don't have steve martin.
Thanks a lot, Guy in charge.
Hey, listen, I wrote a great fucking sketch Because you told me We had a piece of talent Booked on this show.
Now i come to find out That you don't know what You're talking about? Do your job, paula.
Do my job? You do it, asswipe.
You get on the phone and find A last-minute replacement For steve martin, Someone willing to do A hack's sketch about the piano, Which, by the way, Is 6 months too late.
Nice topical meter, Dipshit.
Go fuck yourself.
[Audience laughter.]
Hello.
[Cheering and applause.]
Nice to see you.
Nice to see you.
I'm dr.
Wagner, And i want you both To know That, uh, i've been A marriage counselor For 10 years.
And just by the fact That you're here now Proves to me that You'd like to save Your relationship.
So, ahem, now, You have been Married for How long? Don't look at her.
She's a mute.
We've been married For 2 years.
I see.
All right.
And what seems to be The problem? Did you see the piano? Yes, i did, And i thought That you, uh, Got along Very well in that, If i may say.
Oh, we did, But then she plays The same song Over and over.
At this point, chopsticks would be a thrill.
Cut it out! Well.
All right, the notes Stopped being cute About 2 years ago, Too, honey.
I see.
Now, am i thinking Of something else? But it seems to me In the piano, She started to learn To speak at the end.
Oh, typical Hollywood ending.
In reality, She's still a mute.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Why don't you go Screw yourself? [Cheering and applause.]
Now Oh, oh, my god.
You're an amazing Therapist.
This is the first time She's spoken.
That is terrific, That is terrific.
Yeah.
Do me a favor, You know? Jump in the lake, Will you please? You know, you use me.
You take me For granted.
And-- and what's with The marks on the face? I mean, let's talk-- They're genuine Maori tattoos, That's what they are.
Eh, maori this, Will you please? I'm sick of you.
I'm sick of Your friends You bring around.
You're dressed like Vincent van gogh.
What's going on with you? You see? This is good.
I've had it-- Can you make Her stop now? You don't Take me anywhere.
What am i, Chopped liver? I'm sick of you.
Please make her stop! I can make her stop.
That'll cost you An extra $1500.
Can you see me At 5:00 next tuesday? I can work you in Between the rain man And the guy From my left foot.
I'll be there! [Cheering and applause.]
Man: we're off.
I thought It went off-- I thought it went-- I don't really do Harvey, guys.
Huh? I don't really do Harvey keitel.
I mean, i thought It went all right.
This is giving me A sore on my ass.
Did you guys See the piano? I didn't see it.
I didn't know What i was doing.
I didn't see the piano either.
I think the audience Thought it was funny Anyway.
Hank: they did? Yeah, i thought like a fucking Idiot with these glasses on.
[Overlapping chatter.]
I think the audience Is good tonight, by the way.
I blew that line.
You want creative control Of all the comedy pieces? That's unheard of.
It's what i must Absolutely insist on.
You want your Prop budget doubled.
At least.
You want paula fired? Yes, and i want to watch While you do it.
If i'm to provide The level of service That's expected Of me here, I need a working Environment That's supportive.
Do you hear What i'm saying? Yes, yes, i hear What you're saying.
You don't want to be Head writer anymore.
Exactly.
These have been The worst 4 days Of my life.
I have no more Friends here, I'm the only one Who does any Of the work, And at the end Of the day, all I can think about Is how i have to Come back here And do it all over Again tomorrow.
It's a nightmare.
Heh heh heh heh.
Lot more fun being The snotty little dork, Wasn't it? Congratulations, son.
You're the head writer.
But i don't want The job.
That's too damn bad.
You're talented, You care about your work, You fight For what you want.
That's the qualities That make you a good Head writer And give you ulcers And colitis For the rest of your Professional life.
But, you gotta Let me out of this.
What? It's gonna be ok.
You're making 6500 bucks A week, sweetie.
Doesn't that soften The blows a bit? I'm only making Oh, damn it! There's been A horrible mistake.
Jesus, i have to Fix that right away.
Arthur, this has Nothing to do With the money.
I just want you To find someone To replace me.
How can i? You yourself Have told me There are very few Talented people Out there.
Oh, sure there are.
Bobby craskin.
Hack.
Hack.
Tom freeley.
Bruce fielding.
Who? Larry, my friends In the audience Just loved the sketch.
Didn't you Hear 'em scream? I'm sorry.
I didn't know those Were your friends.
I wouldn't have asked To have them removed.
Ah ha ha! Come on, Let's watch the tape.
Oh, no, i can't.
You know i get embarrassed When i see myself act.
Horseshit.
You, too? Listen, about That thing with phil, Just so you know-- Yeah, listen, What i want to do About phil Is i want to Keep him at 37,500 On a trial basis, Ok? Yeah, check.
You know, until We see he gets along With paula And can keep his Mouth shut at those Network meetings.
Check.
Will you do me a favor And tell craig To stop, uh, Presenting jokes to me That i rejected The week before? Check.
Ok, and send mike A note Telling him that He didn't get fired Because of that Bosnia sheepdog Joke.
Check.
Good.
Listen, i'm also having A problem with kelly The prop girl.
I'd like to replace her.
Oh, sure.
What the hell.

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