The Last Man On Earth (2015) s04e03 Episode Script

1 Previously on The Last Man On Earth Please don't shoot me, please don't.
- You're mine now.
- Glenn, how long - have you been on this island? - About five years.
Is there something you're not telling me? There was a horrible virus, and we're all that's left.
- Carol! - Tandy! (LAUGHS) GLENN: You guys just gonna leave her here? CAROL: Fine, she can come.
But on one condition.
Thank you! You won't regret this! And you're done.
Ah.
Great.
Whew! Wow, that feels wonderful.
Thank you.
So, how much longer till we get there? Uh, well, at this speed, probably about a week.
- Seriously? - What? Shut up.
- Why? I would like to get there faster, but, to do that safely, you're gonna have to rethink the Pamela situation.
Oh, God.
Help me.
(SQUEALING): Help me, God.
Oh, God.
Oh Pamela stays right where she is.
Yeah, we have a saying: you do the crime, you do the time.
GAIL: Damn it, y'all.
I left my sunglasses back on the island.
Can we go back? Just get some new ones in Mexico.
No, they were my faves.
I know right where I left them.
They are right over there.
Oh, balls.
Let me see those.
Uh, you know what, maybe we should head back.
PAMELA: Oh, oh, no! (SCREAMING) GLENN: Man overboard! (PAMELA GROANS) Hello.
Sorry, I lost my grip when my fingers went numb.
Oh, the same fingers that adult-napped my husband? Back in the raft.
Guys, I know you have your little punishment policy - DTC, DTT.
- But, uh, I think we'd move a lot faster if Pamela could ride with us.
Oh, ho, ho.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? I would.
I really would.
GAIL: Look, Carol, I'm still pissed at her, too, but I'm dying to get off this damn boat, so maybe we should just bite the bullet on this one.
MELISSA: Yeah, I mean, we shouldn't all have to suffer because Pamela sucks.
Right? ERICA: Carol, what do you say? (SIGHS) Fine.
But just know that you're on thin ice, and I'm holding a welding torch.
(MIMICS TORCH) Thank you.
Thank you so much.
I know I have behaved terribly, and I promise I will earn my place on this boat.
I will be the lowest of the lows.
The waitstaff.
So, Todd, you're excused.
Prepare to be pampered! You gave me a second chance! I'm not gonna waste it! A-And don't worry! I-I know what to do! I had one of me once! (SHIVERING) TODD (AS RED): Zihuatanejo.
Oh, man, just wait till you see it.
They say the boardwalk is a must-see for locals and tourists alike.
The perfect spot for our honeymoon.
(AS ANDY): But let's promise not to talk like this when we're making love.
Oh, you know I can't make that promise, Andy.
Hi.
Well, I just finished cleaning the anchor.
Would anyone care for a dinnertime foot massage? Todd? Melissa? No? - Tandy? - Uh, uh Oh, no.
No? Carol, how 'bout you? No? Hard no? Gail? That's a no.
Erica? (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT): No.
Okay.
Jasper? You? No? Glenn? You good? Feet good? Any kind of massage Swedish, Shiatsu, Thai? Rolfing? Anyone want to get Rolfed? Hot stone massage? Cold stone? Cold Stone Creamery? (CHUCKLES) Would anyone like a cup of cream? Couples massage? Erica, Gail, couples massage? Glenn, Jasper, couples massage? Okay, just circling back.
Melissa? No? Todd? No.
Tandy? Jasper? No? Carol? Definite no.
Gail? Hard no.
Erica? All right.
Glenn, still good? Okay, well, I'm off to scrub the decks.
(CHUCKLES) If you change your mind, please wash your feet.
No, leave them dirty.
I deserve it.
How long are we gonna let her prostrate herself like this? GAIL: I don't know.
How long was she gonna leave us on that damn island? - Yeah.
- CAROL: I still don't trust her.
You all saw how she casually offered my husband a foot massage.
Everybody knows that the foot is the gateway to the leg.
ERICA: Yeah, she's bad news.
Oh, do you want me to warm that for you? No, I want you to eat it.
Eat it for you? Like bird-feed you? No, it's for you.
Oh.
Thank you.
No, it was a very simple e-mail.
It was just The( underscore )Pope@gmail (BOTH CHUCKLE) Thank you again for the meal.
- You're a really good cook.
- Oh.
I was a single dad, so I kind of know my way around a can opener.
You have had Tell me about your kids.
(SIGHS): Oh.
A girl, Penny.
Two boys, uh, Tommy and Doug.
Good kids.
Smart.
Two gay, one not.
Oh.
Apples of my eye.
It's pretty risky for you to be talking to me.
I'm kind of toxic around here.
If someone comes, you should just start barking orders at me.
I'll know it's not really you.
(CHUCKLES) I'm not worried about what they think.
Why are you so nice to me? I know what it's like to be alone for years.
It can make you do some pretty crazy things.
I made a lover out of palm fronds.
- Oh.
- (CHUCKLES) Anyway, I'm really in no position to judge.
Wow.
If this was the old me, I would have you pinned against that railing right now, slick and wet with slobber.
But, you know, that was the past.
We're not those people anymore.
We've-we've changed.
Changed.
- Oh.
- Mmm.
(BOTH MOANING) (BOTH MOANING LOUDLY) - This is us! Oh! - Oh, God! - You're a real woman! Oh! - Release my breasts! - GLENN: Whoa, that's in play? - PAMELA: Whoa.
Wow.
Good morning.
Does anyone need their hair combed? (CHUCKLES) We can comb our own hair, thank you.
- Right.
I'm sorry for asking.
- Hey, Pamela, do you know who was making all that racket last night? 'Cause it sure sounded like you and Glenn.
Me and Glenn.
Last night.
Yes.
Glenn had me doing some really loud chores all night long.
Real hard labor.
Um, and we just both collapsed from exhaustion I mean, him from the ordering and me from all the choring.
Then, at dawn, he woke me for one final chore session.
I mean, he has the stamina of someone who really likes to order a lot of chores.
He can find lots of things for me to do.
Well, if you were just doing chores, then why did you keep screaming, "Wow! Wow! Wow!"? Because he showed me how to use the ShamWow.
(LAUGHING): And I sometimes have a habit of saying the name of the thing that I'm using.
You know, like, comb, comb, deodorant, toilet.
(CHUCKLES) - Well, next time, keep a lid on it.
- I will, I promise.
I will bite a pillow, a leather belt.
I'll put one of those black balls in my mouth.
(LAUGHS) Anything I can do to earn your forgiveness.
All right, back to work! (GASPS) Oh.
Glenn, what if someone see us? Hey, come with me.
- Where are we going? - They're having a little party.
Glenn, I wasn't invited.
Hey, if I can't bring my girlfriend, then it's a party I don't want to go.
Girlfriend? Is that okay? Of course.
(GIGGLES) ALL: That kind of music just soothes the soul I reminisce about the days of old With that old time rock and roll Still like that old time rock and roll TANDY: Kind of music just Soothes the soul I reminisce about the days before Why is everybody stopping? That old time (SINGS GIBBERISH) Oh.
Oh.
GLENN: I have something to say, and I want you all to hear it.
JASPER: Land! TODD: There she is Beautiful Zihuatanejo! You ever seen a beach like that? The sand is so white.
Uh, Todd that's not sand.
(DOG GROWLING) I know.
It's a lot to take in.
You okay? Go get my bags.
What? My bags.
Now! But I-I-I My bags! (VOICE BREAKING): My bags TODD: Oh, talk about paradise.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
You know, as Red once said, "I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams.
" News flash it's bluer.
Yup, yup.
I mean, this is even better than I pictured it.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Your bags, sir! (QUIETLY): I see you took my advice.
Treat me like dog dirt so the others don't find out about us.
You're being very believable, which I find very sexy.
Please wait by the road.
Very well, sir! Oh, you're so hard on me.
You couldn't care less about me.
Work, work, work.
PAMELA: Hey.
The coast is clear.
(AS AUSTIN POWERS): You want to shag, baby? (LAUGHS) Austin Powers.
All right, that'll be all.
Run along.
Oh.
You're a very good actor.
Really committing to this role.
- It's not a role.
- Oh.
Sorry, part.
Performance? Act.
I meant act.
Role? This is real.
I made a mistake.
Now please just go.
(VOICE BREAKING): Very well, sir.
- So, obviously, we need a home.
- Uh-huh.
And I saw this place, and I was like, "Yes, please.
" - Ready? - Yeah.
Ta-da! What do you think? Huh.
CAROL: I-I know.
It's an upper-from-which-fixer, but it has medical stuff for when I go into labor.
- And I have so many decorating ideas.
- Oh.
I mean, first of all no brainer get the dead bodies out of here.
Think we might have gone to the same decorating school.
Next, we need a statement piece.
My idea? A bedpathelier.
You're probably way ahead of me on this, but it's a chandelier made out of bedpans and catheters.
(CAROL CHUCKLES) Then, we take these sheets, bleach out the stool and the blood, and we're in picture window city.
(LAUGHING): It is gonna be so great.
This is what I love about you, Carol.
I mean, you see potential in even the biggest pile of crap.
- I don't know about that.
- Well, I do.
'Cause I'm saying that as a former pile.
Look, I love it.
I am in so hard.
(STAMMERS) So where do we start? Well, I think I want to start in the courtyard.
And if it's okay, I need to do this one on my own.
You know what? I want to make a toast.
Thank you, Zihuatanejo, for making me "see what an A-ho" I've been for not getting here sooner.
But you know what? I'm here now.
And talk about living up to the hype.
I mean, come on.
Will somebody pinch me, please? I mean, Melissa, please, pinch me, would you? - I'm not gonna pinch you.
- Okay, well, then, I'm jumping on my own grenade here.
It's just (GROANS, LAUGHS) (TODD GROANS AND LAUGHS LOUDLY) No, it didn't work.
It still feels like a dream.
And not a dry one.
- TODD: Oh.
- GAIL: Oh.
- ERICA: Ew.
I love this place! Shawshank lives! Yeah! Can we help you with something? PAMELA: Uh I'm here for dinner.
Well, this party is BYOB, which stands for, "Bye, You Old Buttface.
" I'll have you know, I was invited.
Really? By who? By whom.
(BELL TOLLS) And that whom is me.
Look, we all know that Pamela is a real jerk.
Fair assessment.
I mean, she kidnapped a person.
She's a stinkin' felon.
- I am, yes.
- She left a new mom, a baby, a mother-to-be stranded on an island.
- Left 'em for dead, yup.
- She's just been horrible, irredeemable scum.
Objection! Overruled.
I'll allow it.
- Even her dog hates her.
- He does.
In short, Pamela was a real piece of Sit Here In Tijuana.
- Care Bear! - I'm sorry, Tandy.
I know that coarse language isn't me, but neither is giving up on a person.
And that is exactly what I did.
It's what we all did.
And that's not us.
We can do better than that.
And so can she.
So what do you say we give her another chance? (CLEARS THROAT) Pass.
PAMELA: What is your problem? We had something.
I felt it.
I felt it on the bow.
I felt it on the stern.
Then a few more times on the bow.
Then the stern again.
Then you flipped me over on to my starboard side.
I even tried aft for the first time.
I know you felt it, too.
You were just a vacation fling.
What changed in you? Was it the sex? I've always been bad at it.
Tentative, immobile.
I need to learn to use my arms more.
I just can't do this.
Wait.
Glenn.
Tell me you don't feel anything.
Go on, tell me.
Tell me that, Glenn! Tell me you don't feel anything! Damn it, tell me! Why are you trying so hard to make me hate you? Because I love you.
I love you, too.
And I want to be with you for the rest of my life.
So why are you treating me like this? Because I'm leaving tomorrow.
PAMELA: So you're leaving.
(SIGHS) Seeing that beach today, and what my kids went through without me I have to go home.
There's radiation everywhere.
You know you'll probably die.
They're my kids.
So it wasn't our sex? Pamela.
Our sex was the second best I've ever had.
Oh, Glenn.
I'll always remember that you said that.
Oh, hey.
Todd, I know you're not okay.
I know Zihuat's not what you expected.
But I think I know a way to help.
You know the final scene of Shawshank? - Uh-huh.
- Well, they didn't film that in Zihuatanejo.
(LAUGHS) Get out of town, okay? Go fishin'.
They shot that in Saint Croix.
Tax credits.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Are you serious? Yeah.
(QUIETLY): Boy, damn.
Damn you, Zihuatanejo! You lied to me! All of you! The entire production team of The Shawshank Redemption.
Cast, crew, (CRYING): and most certainly locations, you've all got blood on your hands.
Everyone.
Everyone except for you.
(SNIFFLES) I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for acting so crazy.
I just, you know, I just God, I just wanted it to be perfect for you.
No.
Don't you see, as long as I'm with you, any place is perfect.
GLENN: Okay, well, I guess that's about it.
Hey.
Ta-ta for now, you hear? You guys haven't seen Pamela, have you? CAROL: Oh, Glenn, you have to understand, this is really hard for her.
Well, just tell her I'm gonna miss her.
PAMELA: No, you won't.
What? I said, "No.
You won't miss me.
" Well, of course I'm gonna miss you.
How can you say that? And I won't miss you, either.
'Cause I'm comin' with ya.
- Ah, come on, Pamela.
- No.
Glenn.
I'm not gonna let either one of us be alone anymore.
I'm not gonna be able to talk you out of this, am I? Well no, you won't.
Well, then I'm not even gonna take the time to try.
- Please don't.
- I got better things to do.
- It'll take up too much time.
- (LAUGHS) That was a fun exchange.
Carol.
I got you a little something.
It's Latisse.
Just a few dabs in the morning and Tandy's brows will be back in no time.
It's a little sweaty.
Thank you.
PAMELA: Well, I didn't deserve your forgiveness, but you gave it to me anyway.
I hope you know how much that changed me.
Todd, my bags? Yeah, sure.
PAMELA: Well, off to die.
(LAUGHS) I hope it's worth it.
Those kids better be alive.
They probably won't be; they'll be dead.
But it's good to go in with low expectations.
- That's why I love this woman.
- (PAMELA CHUCKLES) (ENGINE STARTS) PAMELA: Bye.
Jeremy says bye! It truly was a Shawshank Redemption.