The Middle s06e09 Episode Script
The Christmas Wall
Christmas season is built on tradition, and no tradition is more beloved than the family gathering together to pick out the perfect Christmas tree.
Gary to automotive, please.
Gary to automotive.
Why do we have to get a fake tree? Why can't we get a real tree and a fake Sue? It's not my fault I'm allergic, Axl.
I feel bad enough.
Look, nobody's saying it's gonna be the same, but once you put lights on an artificial tree, it can look very realistic.
Come on.
Let's just check out our choices.
We have trees with lights already on, trees that look like they're covered in snow.
And, you know, it's good for the environment 'cause they're made out of plastic.
I like the pink one.
This is the tree we're gonna have until we die.
It's not gonna be pink.
Fake trees are weird.
They don't smell like Christmas.
If being weird was a reason not to take things home, we would have left you at the hospital.
You did.
Okay, look, we're parked in the loading zone, so let's wrap it up.
What do we think, hmm? - Sparkly one! - Snow tree.
Whatever gets us out of here! As it's been since biblical times, 50% off wins.
You keep saying "a" goes into "b," but I'm telling you, it doesn't fit.
But that's because the branches are also color-coded.
Blue "a" goes into red "b.
" I showed you the chart.
Mm.
This is so much less joyful than killing a tree.
I still have so much to do.
I got to run out and buy wrapping paper, I got to get out the dancing Santa, I got to set up the Christmas village.
Although I don't know why I bother.
The only one who even notices is Axl, and that's just so he can put the villagers in compromising positions.
- Yeah.
- Lates.
Hey, where you going? And what's with the hat? If you must know, it's part of our new business venture "tree wise men," a subsidiary of Boss CO.
Enterprises.
We're getting paid to put up people's Christmas lights and decorations.
It's the season to get rich.
Well, we have a tree right here, and as soon as it gets assembled, we are decorating it as a family.
Oh, but this is the only chance I get to hang out with my friends.
Now that I'm in college, which you guys insisted on, I never get to see them anymore.
Okay, but as soon as you get back, we're making a trip to the frugal hoosier.
I'm filling two cars with stuff, and you're gonna be my Christmas helper.
Ugh.
Fine.
But I'm gonna need Oh, are we settling up? Because I put a bill together for all the things I've done for you, and it's a billion dollars.
We hit the jackpot today eight Christmas cards.
The Kirkwoods wish us a happy holidays and hold on.
It's got a letter in it.
It's all about their doings and goings-on.
Jackson was made captain of the soccer team.
Oh, Dale's ankle's better.
Who's Dale, again? Some guy I went to high school with.
And yet he thought he should share every detail of his life with you? Yeah, Brick.
It's a Christmas letter.
People update you on their lives.
It's a way to keep in touch.
- So we've gotten more of these? - Yeah, I usually throw them out.
Why? They're fascinating.
Emily's engaged! They like him! Have you seen the top of the tree? No.
You didn't take it into the bathroom, did you? Yeah, I took the top of the tree into the bathroom.
I'm just saying.
I find the remote in there all the time.
Well, big work's out of the way.
I'd say we've earned ourselves a boss break.
Rudolph always made me sad, you know? They wouldn't ever let him play any reindeer games.
That's B.
S.
, man.
Hey, if you're gonna feel bad for anyone in the Rudolph special, it's the Island of Misfit Toys.
Train with the square wheels, that cowboy riding an ostrich, King Moonracer.
Man, that place is depressing.
I agree with you on the depressing, but you're wrong about King Moonracer.
He was not one of the misfit toys.
Yeah, he was.
He was on the Island of Misfit Toys.
Therefore, he's a toy.
The lion with the wings? He was the leader of the misfit toys he wasn't one of them.
So you're telling me King Moonracer, this guy here, would willingly hang out with a bunch of unwanted toys when he didn't have to? - Good point.
- Think about the end of the special, when Santa delivers the misfit toys.
Who's not in the bag? That's right King Moonracer.
Booyah! I guess that settles it.
Yeah, but they only show, like, five toys being dropped of.
Just 'cause king moonracer isn't one of them doesn't mean he's not a toy.
I'm pretty sure that more than five toys get delivered on Christmas.
What is your problem, man? Why do you hate King Moonracer so much? I don't hate him.
He's one of my favorite toys.
Stop calling him a toy! So, Jackson made soccer in September.
How'd the season go? Oh.
That had to be great for his self-esteem.
Hey, is Emily there? I'd love to talk to her.
Who are you talking to? Oh, the Kirkwoods.
The family who sent us the Christmas letter.
Brick, we barely even know those people.
Why would you call them? What am I supposed to do? Wait till next year to find out what happened? That's like reading the first chapter of a book, then waiting a year to read the next one.
Emily! What up, girl? You and Marshall set a date yet? Hello? Can you believe this? They can't just give me the top of a different tree.
I got to come back here, take this tree apart, put it all back in the box, and then haul the whole thing back to the store and return it.
Really? Did you tell them it was just missing the top? Yes.
Well, did you tell them that's ridiculous? - Yes.
- Well, did you tell everything you're about to say to me, I said to them.
Yep, it was beginning to feel a lot like Christmas stressful, irritating, and overwhelming.
That reindeer looks good over there, Axl.
Yeah.
Hey, Sean, you want to arrange the bag of toys on the sleigh? Fine.
I know one guy who won't be in that bag.
I know what you're getting at, Axl.
I'm not gonna sink to your level.
I'm just saying, if we want to be factually correct and we are professionals King Moonracer would not be in that bag, 'cause he's not a toy.
He's obviously a toy! All of the unwanted toys have some problem that makes them a misfit.
His is that he's a lion with wings! Would you listen to yourself? "Lion with wings" where's the problem? That's not misfit.
That's just awesome.
Guys If he were a real lion with wings, he wouldn't hang out at the north pole.
He'd be flying around Africa, picking up gazelles and eating them.
Oh, there you go, throwing around facts "meh, meh, lions live in Africa.
" You always got to be right, don't you? That's so Donahue.
It's got nothing to do with me being a Donahue! It's about thinking things through.
You think you're so cool, you can just say whatever dumb thing you want people just agree with the Ax Man.
Well, guess what.
Those days are over.
You're such a know-it-all.
Yeah, well, you're a know-it-nothing.
- Idiot! - Jerk! That store was a zoo.
Took me 45 minutes just to get somebody to help me.
What's with you? - What's the point of Christmas? - What? I don't know if I can do it, Mike.
I think I'm done.
Did you get into the eggnog already? There better be some left.
No, it's just Christmas is so overwhelming.
What is the point of it all? I get the ladder, I climb up, I drag down all the decorations, I put them out everywhere.
Week or two later, pack them up, lug them back up the ladder, put them away again.
Why do I have to go to one store for wrapping paper and another store for bows? Why can't we just use the birthday wrapping paper? It's all just so tedious.
You know what? You're just in a funk.
We'll get the tree up, and you'll get in the Christmas spirit.
Are you kidding me? I got to go back again? Make sure you tell them I know what to tell them! - Look.
Grandma sent fudge.
- Ooh! Hey, mom, I can't find the Christmas wrapping paper.
And I got Darrin that so I'm gonna need a lot of it.
You know what, Sue? I'm not buying it this year.
We have so much birthday wrapping paper.
Just use that.
You're joking, right? I can't use birthday wrapping paper.
Well, I just don't want to go to the store and deal with all the traffic and the crowds and the blah.
What? Don't worry.
We'll still have Christmas.
I'm just not gonna get sucked into all the trappings this year.
Axl! Mom says she's not getting sucked into all the trappings.
What? She says she's not doing Christmas.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
I'm pretty sure there's a law that says I have to get presents on Christmas.
Relax.
You're all getting presents.
I'm just not gonna spend all my time running around decorating and wrapping and being so miserable, I don't enjoy Christmas.
This is weird.
You're being weird.
Brick, mom says she's not getting sucked into the trappings.
Tell her she can't do that.
Is this 'cause you think the holiday should be more about Jesus? S-sure.
That too.
But right now, for me, it's just more about laying around and watching TV, eating my mom's fudge, and actually having fun at Christmas for once.
But you can't just, like, lay around all Christmas.
Why can't I? You do it all the time.
As a matter of fact Okay.
There.
Now, this is the way to relax.
I think you're onto something, Axl.
Good god! Cover yourself! - Stop it! - Aah! - Let me enjoy my Christmas! - No! What is going on here?! Jill Kirkwood would never act like this! - Let me have my Christmas! - Behave! Mom! Hey, there.
I need to hmm.
Ma'am, w hey, hey, hey.
I need to return this tree.
Oh, sure.
I can help you with that.
Is there a problem with it? Yeah, I'd say so.
It's supposed to be green, but Oh, it's pink.
It is pink.
Oh.
I see what happened.
See, the box was mislabeled.
Yeah.
I'm glad we all know the problem.
Now let's get to the solution.
You know, this happened to me once when I worked in home lighting.
We got in a shipment of wall sconces.
Yeah, that's a good story.
Listen, I've been to this store three times today.
I just want to get the tree I paid for and go.
So, green? Yes green.
It looks like we're sold out of that model in the green.
I think we have one in the back, but it doesn't have a top.
Yeah, I returned that one.
So you don't want that tree, then? No, I don't want the tree I returned.
I think we have a couple in our jasper store, so if we do a return on this one now, you can go pick up the new tree at that location.
Fine.
Now, there is a restocking fee because the box has been opened, but you ow what I'm gonna waive for ya.
Looks ke it's your lucky day.
Yeah.
Feeling real lucky.
Okay, something is seriously wrong with mom, and we need to figure it out.
Axl, what did you do? Whoa.
Why do you think it's my fault? 'Cause you always something.
Did you call her "old," "gross"? Obviously.
I've been home for two days.
No, I blame Brick.
He's the one who's home all the time, and the stress of his freakishness has probably taken its toll on mom.
Me? I raise myself like a cactus.
They hardly have to do anything.
Personally, I think it's Sue.
Mom's got to be cracking under the pressure of sending her to college.
She does complain about that a lot.
Yeah.
I'm with Brick.
That's two votes for Sue.
The Sues have it.
Oh, really? Well, if it's my fault, why is mom sitting around with no pants on? I think we all know who that lesson's for.
You know, the Kirkwoods just went through a very similar situation with their grandma.
Jill had to put her in assisted living.
But she's very happy, though.
They show "Hot in Cleveland" in the bridge room.
Okay, I change my vote.
It's definitely Brick.
Hey, have you guys seen this show "Chrome Underground"? It is awesome! These guys travel to the most dangerous neighborhoods in the world looking to buy exotic cars.
- That one is Yusuf, and - Yeah.
Mom, um, we just wanted to talk to you for a second.
We just wanted to say that we apologize and are so sorry.
For what? Just a General Sorriness.
We're gonna work on bringing our grades up.
And we're gonna stop licking things.
Well, we're certainly gonna try.
Look, you don't have to apologize for anything.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Then why don't you put on some pants and bake cookies? Hey, I am totally pro-cookie here.
I'm just not doing it.
Well, how about the Christmas letter? When are you gonna write that? Look, for years, I ran myself ragged, but this year, I just hit the Christmas wall.
Don't let me stop you, though.
If you guys want that stuff, go.
Do.
I'm just enjoying the not doing.
Oh, my god.
Mom's lost her spirit.
I've heard this happens to old people.
First it's the spirit, then it's the knees.
Mm, mm, mm! Look, look, look! Now the guys are being chased by the policÃa.
You got to remember In these countries, sometimes the policÃa are not actually the policÃa.
Well, after paying for damages, we each made $1.
Okay.
Guess that's it, then.
Yep.
That is it.
Guys, this is ridiculous.
We're not even talking to each other now? Maybe he's right.
We've been friends since we were 4.
We're like brothers.
But clearly, we got to have an answer on this King Moonracer thing.
All right.
Here's the plan.
We sequester Darrin away with no outside influence.
He watches the entire "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" special, and whatever he decides, we live with it, no matter what.
Done.
Wow.
Our whole, entire friendship is at stake.
This is serious business.
I will watch this cartoon for you.
Hey, dad, I've been working on the family Christmas letter, and I want to run it by you.
Uh, not a good time, Brick.
I just drove all the way to Jasper and then to Bedford 'cause they put a tree on hold for me, which apparently means "sell it to whoever walks in and asks for one.
" You know, if you can make that a bit more interesting, I think I can squeeze it in this baby.
Here's what I got so far.
"Dear friends, merry Christmas 2014.
"What a year.
"Mom doesn't wear pants anymore.
"She's got an unsightly bruise on her hip "that's been there since july.
"She says if it doesn't go away in a week, "she'll go to the doctor.
"Finances weigh heavy on our minds.
"The sink fell through the counter last month, "and now we wash dishes in the shower.
"Axl's football career appears to be over, "as he dropped the ball both literally and figuratively.
" I'm very proud of that part.
Yeah.
"Mom and dad stay up late worried about Sue doing something with Darrin called 'losing it.
'" Whoa! Brick, you can't say any of that stuff.
Why not? It's all true.
Yeah, well, that's exactly why.
Christmas letters are just for the good things that happened in the last year.
Oh.
Well, that's gonna be a lot harder.
And shorter.
Yeah.
Axl, I need your help.
Dad won't let me write anything bad in the Christmas letter, but I can't think of one good thing that's happened to the family this year.
Not now, Brick.
We're in the middle of something important here.
Darrin wants to know if he can rewind.
First impressions only.
Yeah, we don't want Darrin thinking too much.
Okay.
So, what am I supposed to do about the letter? I can't write anything good, but I can't lie.
Sure you can.
People lie all the time in those things.
Wait so you're telling me 2014 wasn't a great year for the Kirkwoods? Maybe not.
But what about the addition to the house they built in the backyard? Probably so the dad had somewhere to get away from the mom.
Wow.
I feel like I don't know the Kirkwoods at all.
Darrin wants to know if he can reference source material.
We'll allow it.
Look, you sent me to Jasper.
Jasper sent me to Bedford.
Then bedford sent me to Clay City.
All I know is, it's two days before Christmas and I still don't have a tree.
Just sell me the floor model, and I'll get out of here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's tree's just a display.
I can't sell it.
Why not? Because if I did, people wouldn't know we have that tree for sale.
But you don't have that tree for sale.
Yes, but we have a shipment coming in.
Well, how about you sell me the floor model, then when the shipment comes in, you make one of those the floor model? Whoa! That's not how we do things here.
All right.
Let me talk to your manager.
I am the manager.
Then let me speak to your supervisor.
Actually, there is no one above me that you can talk to about this matter.
Really? There's no one above you? You're in charge of the whole store? You're the C.
E.
O.
of Homeville? At the end of the day, you hop into your private jet and fly off to your lake house? You? Danny? I-I might.
Knock, knock.
Hey, Nancy.
Frankie What's going on? I've heard that you lost your Christmas spirit.
Is that true? Au contraire.
I have found it.
It's just that I noticed the geese out front aren't dressed for Christmas.
The wreath isn't on your door.
I'm afraid if I go in your guest bathroom, there'll just be regular hand towels in there.
Nancy, I'm fine.
In fact, I'm great.
For the first time, I am free from the holidays.
You get brainwashed into thinking if you don't go overboard, the whole world's gonna fall apart.
I'm telling you, it's the magazines and the papers and the malls all a part of this giant corporate thing called "big Christmas.
" Frankie, what are you saying? It was said, "unto them a leader was born to show them a new path.
" Oh, nancy, take off your pants and join me.
But But you have to have the smell of cookies baking.
Do you, Nancy? Do you? What about wrapping the garage door like a giant Christmas present? The custom-made nutcracker for each member of the family? Imagine a world where you don't do those things.
Imagine a world where you don't stay up till 3:00 in the morning making your white-chocolate-covered pretzel rings.
What would happen, Nancy? What if you just said "No"? I got to go! I'm caroling later! Coward! A verdict has been reached.
Gentlemen, I have come to a decision.
After considering both sides, uh, the choice became clear.
He's weaseling out! Get back here! Get back here! Hey! No! No! No! - Tell us your decision! - We need an answer! - No! I don't want to! - If you don't, we'll whitewash you! Okay, okay! King Moonracer Is a toy.
I'm sorry, man.
No hard feelings? I just need a minute.
You're doing it wrong.
You're making a girl angel.
You should make a boy angel.
There's no such thing as a boy snow angel.
Snow angels are unisex.
Unisex? That doesn't make sense.
Hey, man, he's still raw.
Let him be.
I think it looks really nice.
Yeah.
Better than I thought.
I see you wrapped the presents.
Mike, I know it was an unconventional Christmas, but I got to say, I really enjoyed it.
Yeah, well, you needed a break.
I'm just happy to see you happy.
Aww.
If there was mistletoe up, I'd kiss you.
Mm.
It's funny for me, I always kind of enjoyed all the Christmas stuff.
Hmm.
Didn't really get that in my house growing up.
I mean, after my mom died, it was just a bunch of guys.
Nobody was gonna decorate.
In fact I didn't really ever celebrate Christmas until I met you.
Anyway, I'm sure the kids will be up early.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Mwah.
Aw, crap.
Oh, my God.
It's Christmas! Look! Look! The tree It's pink and green! Oh, my God.
This is amazing! Mom! Oh, you got us so good! Hello, Mr.
Mailman.
Meet Miss Ice Skater.
Have you got a package for her? Yes! "Infinite Jest"! I wanted this! Frickin' Christmas It's so awesome.
It really is the best holiday.
Every time you think you're out, it just sucks you back in.
Who wants cocoa? - I do! - Me! Right here!
Gary to automotive, please.
Gary to automotive.
Why do we have to get a fake tree? Why can't we get a real tree and a fake Sue? It's not my fault I'm allergic, Axl.
I feel bad enough.
Look, nobody's saying it's gonna be the same, but once you put lights on an artificial tree, it can look very realistic.
Come on.
Let's just check out our choices.
We have trees with lights already on, trees that look like they're covered in snow.
And, you know, it's good for the environment 'cause they're made out of plastic.
I like the pink one.
This is the tree we're gonna have until we die.
It's not gonna be pink.
Fake trees are weird.
They don't smell like Christmas.
If being weird was a reason not to take things home, we would have left you at the hospital.
You did.
Okay, look, we're parked in the loading zone, so let's wrap it up.
What do we think, hmm? - Sparkly one! - Snow tree.
Whatever gets us out of here! As it's been since biblical times, 50% off wins.
You keep saying "a" goes into "b," but I'm telling you, it doesn't fit.
But that's because the branches are also color-coded.
Blue "a" goes into red "b.
" I showed you the chart.
Mm.
This is so much less joyful than killing a tree.
I still have so much to do.
I got to run out and buy wrapping paper, I got to get out the dancing Santa, I got to set up the Christmas village.
Although I don't know why I bother.
The only one who even notices is Axl, and that's just so he can put the villagers in compromising positions.
- Yeah.
- Lates.
Hey, where you going? And what's with the hat? If you must know, it's part of our new business venture "tree wise men," a subsidiary of Boss CO.
Enterprises.
We're getting paid to put up people's Christmas lights and decorations.
It's the season to get rich.
Well, we have a tree right here, and as soon as it gets assembled, we are decorating it as a family.
Oh, but this is the only chance I get to hang out with my friends.
Now that I'm in college, which you guys insisted on, I never get to see them anymore.
Okay, but as soon as you get back, we're making a trip to the frugal hoosier.
I'm filling two cars with stuff, and you're gonna be my Christmas helper.
Ugh.
Fine.
But I'm gonna need Oh, are we settling up? Because I put a bill together for all the things I've done for you, and it's a billion dollars.
We hit the jackpot today eight Christmas cards.
The Kirkwoods wish us a happy holidays and hold on.
It's got a letter in it.
It's all about their doings and goings-on.
Jackson was made captain of the soccer team.
Oh, Dale's ankle's better.
Who's Dale, again? Some guy I went to high school with.
And yet he thought he should share every detail of his life with you? Yeah, Brick.
It's a Christmas letter.
People update you on their lives.
It's a way to keep in touch.
- So we've gotten more of these? - Yeah, I usually throw them out.
Why? They're fascinating.
Emily's engaged! They like him! Have you seen the top of the tree? No.
You didn't take it into the bathroom, did you? Yeah, I took the top of the tree into the bathroom.
I'm just saying.
I find the remote in there all the time.
Well, big work's out of the way.
I'd say we've earned ourselves a boss break.
Rudolph always made me sad, you know? They wouldn't ever let him play any reindeer games.
That's B.
S.
, man.
Hey, if you're gonna feel bad for anyone in the Rudolph special, it's the Island of Misfit Toys.
Train with the square wheels, that cowboy riding an ostrich, King Moonracer.
Man, that place is depressing.
I agree with you on the depressing, but you're wrong about King Moonracer.
He was not one of the misfit toys.
Yeah, he was.
He was on the Island of Misfit Toys.
Therefore, he's a toy.
The lion with the wings? He was the leader of the misfit toys he wasn't one of them.
So you're telling me King Moonracer, this guy here, would willingly hang out with a bunch of unwanted toys when he didn't have to? - Good point.
- Think about the end of the special, when Santa delivers the misfit toys.
Who's not in the bag? That's right King Moonracer.
Booyah! I guess that settles it.
Yeah, but they only show, like, five toys being dropped of.
Just 'cause king moonracer isn't one of them doesn't mean he's not a toy.
I'm pretty sure that more than five toys get delivered on Christmas.
What is your problem, man? Why do you hate King Moonracer so much? I don't hate him.
He's one of my favorite toys.
Stop calling him a toy! So, Jackson made soccer in September.
How'd the season go? Oh.
That had to be great for his self-esteem.
Hey, is Emily there? I'd love to talk to her.
Who are you talking to? Oh, the Kirkwoods.
The family who sent us the Christmas letter.
Brick, we barely even know those people.
Why would you call them? What am I supposed to do? Wait till next year to find out what happened? That's like reading the first chapter of a book, then waiting a year to read the next one.
Emily! What up, girl? You and Marshall set a date yet? Hello? Can you believe this? They can't just give me the top of a different tree.
I got to come back here, take this tree apart, put it all back in the box, and then haul the whole thing back to the store and return it.
Really? Did you tell them it was just missing the top? Yes.
Well, did you tell them that's ridiculous? - Yes.
- Well, did you tell everything you're about to say to me, I said to them.
Yep, it was beginning to feel a lot like Christmas stressful, irritating, and overwhelming.
That reindeer looks good over there, Axl.
Yeah.
Hey, Sean, you want to arrange the bag of toys on the sleigh? Fine.
I know one guy who won't be in that bag.
I know what you're getting at, Axl.
I'm not gonna sink to your level.
I'm just saying, if we want to be factually correct and we are professionals King Moonracer would not be in that bag, 'cause he's not a toy.
He's obviously a toy! All of the unwanted toys have some problem that makes them a misfit.
His is that he's a lion with wings! Would you listen to yourself? "Lion with wings" where's the problem? That's not misfit.
That's just awesome.
Guys If he were a real lion with wings, he wouldn't hang out at the north pole.
He'd be flying around Africa, picking up gazelles and eating them.
Oh, there you go, throwing around facts "meh, meh, lions live in Africa.
" You always got to be right, don't you? That's so Donahue.
It's got nothing to do with me being a Donahue! It's about thinking things through.
You think you're so cool, you can just say whatever dumb thing you want people just agree with the Ax Man.
Well, guess what.
Those days are over.
You're such a know-it-all.
Yeah, well, you're a know-it-nothing.
- Idiot! - Jerk! That store was a zoo.
Took me 45 minutes just to get somebody to help me.
What's with you? - What's the point of Christmas? - What? I don't know if I can do it, Mike.
I think I'm done.
Did you get into the eggnog already? There better be some left.
No, it's just Christmas is so overwhelming.
What is the point of it all? I get the ladder, I climb up, I drag down all the decorations, I put them out everywhere.
Week or two later, pack them up, lug them back up the ladder, put them away again.
Why do I have to go to one store for wrapping paper and another store for bows? Why can't we just use the birthday wrapping paper? It's all just so tedious.
You know what? You're just in a funk.
We'll get the tree up, and you'll get in the Christmas spirit.
Are you kidding me? I got to go back again? Make sure you tell them I know what to tell them! - Look.
Grandma sent fudge.
- Ooh! Hey, mom, I can't find the Christmas wrapping paper.
And I got Darrin that so I'm gonna need a lot of it.
You know what, Sue? I'm not buying it this year.
We have so much birthday wrapping paper.
Just use that.
You're joking, right? I can't use birthday wrapping paper.
Well, I just don't want to go to the store and deal with all the traffic and the crowds and the blah.
What? Don't worry.
We'll still have Christmas.
I'm just not gonna get sucked into all the trappings this year.
Axl! Mom says she's not getting sucked into all the trappings.
What? She says she's not doing Christmas.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
I'm pretty sure there's a law that says I have to get presents on Christmas.
Relax.
You're all getting presents.
I'm just not gonna spend all my time running around decorating and wrapping and being so miserable, I don't enjoy Christmas.
This is weird.
You're being weird.
Brick, mom says she's not getting sucked into the trappings.
Tell her she can't do that.
Is this 'cause you think the holiday should be more about Jesus? S-sure.
That too.
But right now, for me, it's just more about laying around and watching TV, eating my mom's fudge, and actually having fun at Christmas for once.
But you can't just, like, lay around all Christmas.
Why can't I? You do it all the time.
As a matter of fact Okay.
There.
Now, this is the way to relax.
I think you're onto something, Axl.
Good god! Cover yourself! - Stop it! - Aah! - Let me enjoy my Christmas! - No! What is going on here?! Jill Kirkwood would never act like this! - Let me have my Christmas! - Behave! Mom! Hey, there.
I need to hmm.
Ma'am, w hey, hey, hey.
I need to return this tree.
Oh, sure.
I can help you with that.
Is there a problem with it? Yeah, I'd say so.
It's supposed to be green, but Oh, it's pink.
It is pink.
Oh.
I see what happened.
See, the box was mislabeled.
Yeah.
I'm glad we all know the problem.
Now let's get to the solution.
You know, this happened to me once when I worked in home lighting.
We got in a shipment of wall sconces.
Yeah, that's a good story.
Listen, I've been to this store three times today.
I just want to get the tree I paid for and go.
So, green? Yes green.
It looks like we're sold out of that model in the green.
I think we have one in the back, but it doesn't have a top.
Yeah, I returned that one.
So you don't want that tree, then? No, I don't want the tree I returned.
I think we have a couple in our jasper store, so if we do a return on this one now, you can go pick up the new tree at that location.
Fine.
Now, there is a restocking fee because the box has been opened, but you ow what I'm gonna waive for ya.
Looks ke it's your lucky day.
Yeah.
Feeling real lucky.
Okay, something is seriously wrong with mom, and we need to figure it out.
Axl, what did you do? Whoa.
Why do you think it's my fault? 'Cause you always something.
Did you call her "old," "gross"? Obviously.
I've been home for two days.
No, I blame Brick.
He's the one who's home all the time, and the stress of his freakishness has probably taken its toll on mom.
Me? I raise myself like a cactus.
They hardly have to do anything.
Personally, I think it's Sue.
Mom's got to be cracking under the pressure of sending her to college.
She does complain about that a lot.
Yeah.
I'm with Brick.
That's two votes for Sue.
The Sues have it.
Oh, really? Well, if it's my fault, why is mom sitting around with no pants on? I think we all know who that lesson's for.
You know, the Kirkwoods just went through a very similar situation with their grandma.
Jill had to put her in assisted living.
But she's very happy, though.
They show "Hot in Cleveland" in the bridge room.
Okay, I change my vote.
It's definitely Brick.
Hey, have you guys seen this show "Chrome Underground"? It is awesome! These guys travel to the most dangerous neighborhoods in the world looking to buy exotic cars.
- That one is Yusuf, and - Yeah.
Mom, um, we just wanted to talk to you for a second.
We just wanted to say that we apologize and are so sorry.
For what? Just a General Sorriness.
We're gonna work on bringing our grades up.
And we're gonna stop licking things.
Well, we're certainly gonna try.
Look, you don't have to apologize for anything.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Then why don't you put on some pants and bake cookies? Hey, I am totally pro-cookie here.
I'm just not doing it.
Well, how about the Christmas letter? When are you gonna write that? Look, for years, I ran myself ragged, but this year, I just hit the Christmas wall.
Don't let me stop you, though.
If you guys want that stuff, go.
Do.
I'm just enjoying the not doing.
Oh, my god.
Mom's lost her spirit.
I've heard this happens to old people.
First it's the spirit, then it's the knees.
Mm, mm, mm! Look, look, look! Now the guys are being chased by the policÃa.
You got to remember In these countries, sometimes the policÃa are not actually the policÃa.
Well, after paying for damages, we each made $1.
Okay.
Guess that's it, then.
Yep.
That is it.
Guys, this is ridiculous.
We're not even talking to each other now? Maybe he's right.
We've been friends since we were 4.
We're like brothers.
But clearly, we got to have an answer on this King Moonracer thing.
All right.
Here's the plan.
We sequester Darrin away with no outside influence.
He watches the entire "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" special, and whatever he decides, we live with it, no matter what.
Done.
Wow.
Our whole, entire friendship is at stake.
This is serious business.
I will watch this cartoon for you.
Hey, dad, I've been working on the family Christmas letter, and I want to run it by you.
Uh, not a good time, Brick.
I just drove all the way to Jasper and then to Bedford 'cause they put a tree on hold for me, which apparently means "sell it to whoever walks in and asks for one.
" You know, if you can make that a bit more interesting, I think I can squeeze it in this baby.
Here's what I got so far.
"Dear friends, merry Christmas 2014.
"What a year.
"Mom doesn't wear pants anymore.
"She's got an unsightly bruise on her hip "that's been there since july.
"She says if it doesn't go away in a week, "she'll go to the doctor.
"Finances weigh heavy on our minds.
"The sink fell through the counter last month, "and now we wash dishes in the shower.
"Axl's football career appears to be over, "as he dropped the ball both literally and figuratively.
" I'm very proud of that part.
Yeah.
"Mom and dad stay up late worried about Sue doing something with Darrin called 'losing it.
'" Whoa! Brick, you can't say any of that stuff.
Why not? It's all true.
Yeah, well, that's exactly why.
Christmas letters are just for the good things that happened in the last year.
Oh.
Well, that's gonna be a lot harder.
And shorter.
Yeah.
Axl, I need your help.
Dad won't let me write anything bad in the Christmas letter, but I can't think of one good thing that's happened to the family this year.
Not now, Brick.
We're in the middle of something important here.
Darrin wants to know if he can rewind.
First impressions only.
Yeah, we don't want Darrin thinking too much.
Okay.
So, what am I supposed to do about the letter? I can't write anything good, but I can't lie.
Sure you can.
People lie all the time in those things.
Wait so you're telling me 2014 wasn't a great year for the Kirkwoods? Maybe not.
But what about the addition to the house they built in the backyard? Probably so the dad had somewhere to get away from the mom.
Wow.
I feel like I don't know the Kirkwoods at all.
Darrin wants to know if he can reference source material.
We'll allow it.
Look, you sent me to Jasper.
Jasper sent me to Bedford.
Then bedford sent me to Clay City.
All I know is, it's two days before Christmas and I still don't have a tree.
Just sell me the floor model, and I'll get out of here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That's tree's just a display.
I can't sell it.
Why not? Because if I did, people wouldn't know we have that tree for sale.
But you don't have that tree for sale.
Yes, but we have a shipment coming in.
Well, how about you sell me the floor model, then when the shipment comes in, you make one of those the floor model? Whoa! That's not how we do things here.
All right.
Let me talk to your manager.
I am the manager.
Then let me speak to your supervisor.
Actually, there is no one above me that you can talk to about this matter.
Really? There's no one above you? You're in charge of the whole store? You're the C.
E.
O.
of Homeville? At the end of the day, you hop into your private jet and fly off to your lake house? You? Danny? I-I might.
Knock, knock.
Hey, Nancy.
Frankie What's going on? I've heard that you lost your Christmas spirit.
Is that true? Au contraire.
I have found it.
It's just that I noticed the geese out front aren't dressed for Christmas.
The wreath isn't on your door.
I'm afraid if I go in your guest bathroom, there'll just be regular hand towels in there.
Nancy, I'm fine.
In fact, I'm great.
For the first time, I am free from the holidays.
You get brainwashed into thinking if you don't go overboard, the whole world's gonna fall apart.
I'm telling you, it's the magazines and the papers and the malls all a part of this giant corporate thing called "big Christmas.
" Frankie, what are you saying? It was said, "unto them a leader was born to show them a new path.
" Oh, nancy, take off your pants and join me.
But But you have to have the smell of cookies baking.
Do you, Nancy? Do you? What about wrapping the garage door like a giant Christmas present? The custom-made nutcracker for each member of the family? Imagine a world where you don't do those things.
Imagine a world where you don't stay up till 3:00 in the morning making your white-chocolate-covered pretzel rings.
What would happen, Nancy? What if you just said "No"? I got to go! I'm caroling later! Coward! A verdict has been reached.
Gentlemen, I have come to a decision.
After considering both sides, uh, the choice became clear.
He's weaseling out! Get back here! Get back here! Hey! No! No! No! - Tell us your decision! - We need an answer! - No! I don't want to! - If you don't, we'll whitewash you! Okay, okay! King Moonracer Is a toy.
I'm sorry, man.
No hard feelings? I just need a minute.
You're doing it wrong.
You're making a girl angel.
You should make a boy angel.
There's no such thing as a boy snow angel.
Snow angels are unisex.
Unisex? That doesn't make sense.
Hey, man, he's still raw.
Let him be.
I think it looks really nice.
Yeah.
Better than I thought.
I see you wrapped the presents.
Mike, I know it was an unconventional Christmas, but I got to say, I really enjoyed it.
Yeah, well, you needed a break.
I'm just happy to see you happy.
Aww.
If there was mistletoe up, I'd kiss you.
Mm.
It's funny for me, I always kind of enjoyed all the Christmas stuff.
Hmm.
Didn't really get that in my house growing up.
I mean, after my mom died, it was just a bunch of guys.
Nobody was gonna decorate.
In fact I didn't really ever celebrate Christmas until I met you.
Anyway, I'm sure the kids will be up early.
I'm gonna go to bed.
Mwah.
Aw, crap.
Oh, my God.
It's Christmas! Look! Look! The tree It's pink and green! Oh, my God.
This is amazing! Mom! Oh, you got us so good! Hello, Mr.
Mailman.
Meet Miss Ice Skater.
Have you got a package for her? Yes! "Infinite Jest"! I wanted this! Frickin' Christmas It's so awesome.
It really is the best holiday.
Every time you think you're out, it just sucks you back in.
Who wants cocoa? - I do! - Me! Right here!