The Newsroom s01e04 Episode Script
I'll Try to Fix You
- This is my friend Wade Campbell.
- She's so British.
- We're a little more than friends.
- Good to meet you.
- Mackenzie: I'm sorry.
- No, this is exactly what was supposed to happen.
You two have broken up four times and gotten together five times, so there must be a strong connection.
- Was that sarcastic? - No.
You guys obviously have something.
My suggestion is stop breaking up.
Learn how to have a fight.
Lisa, are you still there? That was him.
Will: The Tea Party is being radicalized and their original principles obliterated.
The health care law hasn't taken effect yet.
TARP was signed into law by George W.
Bush.
He's gonna tone it down or I'm gonna fire him.
You'd manufacture a reason to do it? I've got a really good job, Charlie.
In six weeks I haven't heard anything from the 44th floor.
- How are they with this? - Good.
Good.
I'll tell you when there's something to worry about.
( Theme music playing ) Try to keep my head above it the best I can.
That's why, here I am.
Just waiting for this storm to pass me by.
And that's the sound of sunshine coming down.
And that's the sound of sunshine Hey.
I thought I saw you sneak in.
- You look nice.
- Thanks.
So do you.
Oh, yeah.
I was at a party at Bloomberg's.
But you came here to be with your News Night family at midnight.
Well, near them, anyway.
- Can I ask a favor? - Yeah.
Can Wade have two minutes with you? He's got some facts he wants to share.
- Sure.
- You don't mind? No problem.
Wade? - Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
Oh, and Jim's putting together the packet of stories you asked him to.
You want to give it five minutes a night next week? - Let's look at the stories first.
- Done.
I'll leave you guys alone.
- How have you been? - I've been good, thanks.
- And I appreciate you taking a minute.
- What can I do for you? You know I'm an assistant US attorney for the southern district, right? - Yeah.
- Well, right now, my job's prosecuting financial crime.
Well, you know, Wade, feel free to start any time.
( Chuckles ) You've been pretty rough on us.
Countrywide? Well, I don't know what to tell you.
You've got guys flooding the market with bad mortgages, lying to investors, making billions of dollars, but most incredibly, discussing it by email.
I don't mean to insult you, man, but how do you not get a fraud conviction? Right there's what I'm talking about.
This is the half of the story you're leaving out.
- Are you ready for me to blow your mind? - Gary: Sure.
- Bigfoot's real.
- Jim: No, it's not.
- Gary: Did you say-- - Bigfoot is real.
- No, it's not.
- Listen to me, skeptismo.
There are 1.
7 million known species on the planet, and biologists estimate this represents only a quarter of the total species on the planet.
The other three quarters are microscopic.
- How do you know? - I don't know.
But if the other three quarters were Bigfoot, they wouldn't be hard to see.
They'd be walking up and down the street.
We're gonna step slowly away now.
Don't mention this to anyone unless you know them really well.
- And even then.
- Pandas were thought to be a myth until 1869.
Gorillas were thought to be a myth until 1902.
The giant squid was thought to be a myth until 2004.
- What's up? - Maggie, listen to me.
Apex predators-- species at the top of the food chain-- have the smallest numbers and move in the tiniest packs.
Is this Bigfoot? Species diversity is greatest in the rain forests.
Stop.
Just don't even-- Stop.
What are you doing? Trying to work.
- Do you see there's a party happening around you? - I'm okay.
Sometimes it's hard to tell who the biggest nerd in the office is.
- Could there be an apex predator primate-- - Not today, though.
Kaylee.
You guys haven't met Kaylee yet.
Is this a new girlfriend? - Girlfriend's a strong word.
- Really? - Hey, baby.
- Hey.
- Kaylee: Get me drunk.
- Neal: Done.
Boom! ( Laughing ) - Come on, join the party.
- I will.
I just want to finish this for Will.
- What is it? - Stories we missed this year or didn't give enough attention to.
- Want some help? - Sure.
Yeah, take this stack here - and anything you think is-- - Anything we missed.
Jim: Or didn't give enough attention to.
Bigfoot's real and I don't think anyone reported it.
- Hey, Don.
- Jim: Circle it.
( Laughing ) You look really nice tonight.
- Yeah? - God, definite-- Yes.
Yeah.
Definitely.
- Yeah, I don't mean to be-- - Shoot, Don's here.
- I'm sorry.
- It's no problem.
I was almost done.
Well, don't, you know-- - Take a couple hours off.
- I will.
Will you? 'Cause it's a party.
Have you ever been to one? I have been to over three of them.
( Laughs ) Maggie.
See you later.
- Oh, man.
Look at you.
- You look at me.
I had to get a crew off the clock.
Did I miss anything? Neal won't rest until he gets Will to do a story on Bigfoot.
Did Bigfoot do something? Bigfoot can't do anything.
He's not real.
That's what they said about the moon landing.
I believe you've had a cocktail.
Men have cocktails.
Carrie Bradshaw has drinks.
Nope, the other way around.
Doesn't matter.
I'm fun Don tonight.
( Laughs ) I love fun Don.
- Where have I seen this dress before? - On Lisa.
- She let me raid her closet.
- I think you should never take it off.
Except when you take it off.
Now, speaking of your roommate, I had a great idea.
- Soundproofing her bedroom? - Fixing her up with Jim.
( Laughs ) Are you kidding? I feel like I owe him one.
Then why would you unleash Lisa on him? - They'll get along.
- She works in a boutique.
- Here she is.
Lisa.
- Wait, don't.
This is the worst fix-up ever.
I'm not talking about having him take a bride.
- I'm talking about starting off the new year - Getting him laid.
- With a bang.
- with a bang.
See what I did? - You made it.
- Yeah.
Am I wearing a huge sign that says dateless on New Year's Eve? - No, but that dress sends a message loud and clear.
- Do I look slutty? - Absolutely.
In the best way.
- No.
Don! I wasn't going for slutty.
I was going for-- ( Ringtone ) If you want my body and you think I'm sexy Come on, sugar, let me know.
( Turns off ) I like Rod Stewart.
Yeah.
So, I've got a guy for you.
- No, you don't.
- A guy here? - Yeah.
- No.
Is it another loser that doesn't have a date on New Year's Eve? - He's not a loser.
- Yes, he's a huge loser.
- What the hell is going on? - What the hell is going on? She works in fashion, Don.
No offense, Lis.
I don't even know what I'm supposed to be offended by.
But I can talk about other things.
I don't have to talk about fashion.
- I know you can.
- Give me a topic.
What's happening with the Greek debt crisis? There's a huge crisis in Greece.
- They're in a lot of debt.
- See? - Are you serious? - That's more than most people know.
You see the guy over there? The cute, sweet-looking puppy dog guy - with the stupid look on his face? - He is cute.
- Why is he working? - He has a job.
So right there, he's a leg up on your usual diet.
His name's Jim Harper.
He's a senior producer.
He's a bright guy.
He's not the creative director for an imaginary Internet start-up.
He calls his mother.
I'm sure he's nice, but I don't think I'm in the mood for a fix-up.
- Why not? - I don't know, I'm just coming off a relationship.
Of 10 days.
I've bought milk before your relationship started - that was still good to drink after it ended.
- I don't think so.
No, it's true.
I can show you the milk.
She doesn't need to be fixed up, honey.
I didn't say that she needed to be fixed up.
No guy wants to be fixed up Besides, I'm not his type.
I can tell.
You're everybody's type.
You're the girl next door.
Let's go.
Next door to what? - Jimmy Olsen.
- That nickname's really gonna stick, huh? It has endured.
It's a compliment.
Jimmy Olsen was a go-getter.
Yeah, but strictly speaking, he was a photojournalist.
In fact, when DC Comics first introduced-- Yeah, shut up.
This is Maggie's roommate Lisa.
Oh, hey.
It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- I've heard a lot about you.
I've heard a lot about-- Not a lot.
Maggie's-- She's mentioned you once, I think.
Lisa went to Parsons and she works at a very high-end boutique in the Village.
- Nice.
- So why don't you take Lisa out onto the terrace where you can watch one million people in Times Square waiting for the world's biggest nonevent? Maggie and I are going to get some drinks and we'll meet you out there.
- Jim has to work.
- Not at 11:50 on New Year's Eve.
Grab some coats.
- Tess.
- Yeah? Kill me.
Kill me now.
- Do it now.
- Huh? Congress cut our investigations to 20% of what they promised.
We were supposed to get 165 million.
But after rolling over to the GOP, they only gave us 30.
- How's it going in here? - Good.
Wade says the House cut 80% of the DOJ's budget - to fight financial crime.
- He was just telling me.
For every one of me the Justice Department can hire, the banks can hire 20 and afford to stay in litigation forever.
You think Big Tobacco throws money at this shit? Meet Goldman.
Meet Lehman.
Meet B of A.
And meet Countrywide.
Honey, are you saying the United States of America is getting out-lawyered? Don't call him honey.
It makes me crazy.
I didn't say that.
It came out of my mouth.
Just words.
Yes, we are getting out-lawyered.
That is a story we're missing.
Let me talk to Mac a second.
- All right? - Great.
- I'll be outside.
- Great.
You can't have your boyfriends lobbying me to go easier on them.
Hang on, he wasn't lobbying for you to go easier.
He was pitching a story.
I've got a staff of paid professionals to do that.
Mostly by using inside sources like Wade.
And it's not boyfriends.
It's one boyfriend.
- So he's your boyfriend? - I guess he is.
- I mean, that's what you call him? - I call him Wade.
- When you introduce him, do you say-- - Yes! How do you introduce the Netflix queue of crazy divorced women with digitally remastered breasts you spend your nights with? You see anyone with me right now? Of course not.
If you'd asked someone out on New Year's Eve, that would mean you were in a real relationship.
Oh, please.
Please tell me more about real relationships.
I'm not keeping myself in jail anymore.
- What does that mean? - He's my boyfriend.
We're serious.
I want a partner.
That is so romantic.
I'd set it to music.
- Look.
- I'm glad you're letting yourself out of jail.
- I meant-- - You owe it to yourself.
Congress defunded the DOJ on financial crime.
I thought you'd want to hear that.
I did.
Come on out to the party.
I will.
All right.
Fuck it.
- Nice tux.
- I just came from a different party.
- Was it good? - Have you ever been to a good New Year's Eve party? - No.
- I've never enjoyed myself on December 31st.
No one ever has.
I can tell you for me, there was this one time in 10th grade-- This is my thing I'm talking about now.
Okay.
Why don't you talk to someone? I don't need a therapist, I just don't like New Year's Eve.
No, I'm saying why don't you go up to someone here at the party and talk to them? - Do people really do that? - Talk to people? - Just walk up to them.
- I've seen it on TV.
That woman over there, she's obviously here alone and I'm getting a good feeling about her.
You have good instincts about these things? I'm opening up to you.
I'm not good at this.
That's really sweet, Will.
You should let more people-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, what do I do? Walk up to her and introduce yourself.
- I'm gonna do it.
- You should.
- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- Talk to her.
- I'm going.
- Okay, but you're still standing here.
- Here I go.
- Haven't moved.
Shut up.
- Hi.
Excuse me.
- Am I in your way? No, I just wanted to introduce myself.
- I'm Will McAvoy.
- I know that.
I'm Nina Howard.
I don't know what to do now.
- Did you come over to talk to me? - Yes.
All right.
How'd you get in here? I'm a friend of one of the producers on ACN Morning.
Day side.
Uh-oh.
Oh, day side and prime time don't get along? Jets and the Sharks.
Well, maybe we could be like Tony and Maria.
Why is Will talking to Nina Howard? - You know who she is? - She's a gossip columnist for TMI.
Oh, he shouldn't be talking to her.
- I know.
Why is he? - I may have suggested it.
- Why? - You were here with Wade and he seemed lonely.
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm so sorry.
- Can I talk to you a moment? - Really? - Yeah.
- She wants to warn you that I'm a gossip columnist.
Oh, that's not it.
I promise.
- She's a gossip columnist.
- No, she writes features.
TMI had Jennifer Aniston on the cover this week.
You know who they had last week? Jennifer Aniston.
- Know who they had the week before? - Are you a subscriber? They have it at my nail place.
- Oh, do you go to Cuti-cles? - Yes.
- Ba-Ling? - Yes.
- I'm walking away from this.
- No, Will.
Yeah, my instincts may have been wrong.
It's New Year's Eve.
I don't care if she writes for Mein Kampf.
Really? You're setting up my boyfriend? - Not my boyfriend.
Just words.
Hi.
- What about your boyfriend? - Hey, handsome.
- Nice.
You know, it's only a few minutes before midnight.
Yeah, we've got clocks everywhere.
So I say you kiss me at midnight and we see what happens from there.
I'm gonna start to walk up to people more.
I got you a drink.
Now you seem lonely and broken to me.
- I do? - But don't worry, I can fix you.
Well, if there's one thing a man likes, it's a woman who tries to fix him.
What are you working on right now? A piece on Brittany Giancarlo.
I don't know who that is.
Brittany Giancarlo.
She's the young one on Real Housewives of New Jersey.
- Oh, I've got them all TiVo'd.
- She's a drunk gold digger who's probably cheating with her yoga instructor.
And why are you writing about her? I just told you.
No, I mean, sure, but what did she do? Nothing, it's just a takedown piece.
- A what? - A takedown piece.
I'm gonna take her down.
Why? 'Cause that's what you do in a takedown piece, genius.
Crowd: Nine, eight You actually call it a takedown piece? - Yeah.
- Crowd: Four, three, two, one! Happy New Year! ( Music playing ) - Hang on.
- What? You're just setting out to be mean to somebody? - And this was going so well.
- No, it could still go well.
Not if you're going to give me a condescending lecture.
I think we both know that's what's going to happen.
Didn't I just spend the last six months watching you take down the Tea Party? Okay, first, thanks for watching.
Second, I obviously didn't take them down.
They won.
Third, the fact that they did is an enormous danger to A: - a great political party - Oh, there's subheadings? Of which I happen to be a member, and B: An enormous danger to everyone who lives in this country.
- Fourth - Fourth? These are people who are asking for our votes.
You and I do the same thing for a living.
That's nuts, Nina.
I try to expose the truth about things that are of national importance.
Well, I'm trying to expose the truth about the fact that Brittany might have had a daughter when she was a teenager who's now 10 possibly and being taken care of by her mother.
Why is that the concern of anyone except for Brittany? It's not a concern.
It's entertainment.
Okay, well, here's the thing, though, it shouldn't be.
- Is that right? - Of course it's right.
You know it's right.
You know right from wrong.
Everybody said you were like this.
No, no, look.
You can be part of the change.
You don't have to write gossip.
I work for a gossip magazine.
Are we gonna go back to flirting or are you gonna keep putting me down? I'm not putting you down.
I'm just saying that what you do is a really bad form of pollution that makes us dumber and meaner and is destroying civilization.
I'm saying, with all possible respect, that I would have more respect for you if you were a heroin dealer.
And I'm speaking professionally, not personally.
Okay, Will.
I'm speaking personally when I say fuck you.
And you just passed up a sure thing.
- Come on, hear me out.
- Don't touch me.
The real lives of people shouldn't be used as entertainment.
- You can turn this around.
- I'm not interested.
What do you think he's doing? Trying to civilize her.
Oh, that's not gonna work out well.
Hang on, looks like it's coming any second.
that you're on right now.
There it is.
- Will.
- Yeah? I just wanted to introduce my friend Kaylee.
- I'm a huge fan.
- Thank you.
I hate to bother you, but do you have a second? I've got all the time in the world, Neal.
All right, Bigfoot is real.
- Let me start-- - Get the hell away from me.
- No problem.
Sorry.
Come on.
- Okay.
- Yeah? - Have you read the New York Post? No, my eyes are connected to my brain.
I'm not sure about that.
Let's open to Page Six, which for some reason is on page 10, and see what we find.
The headline, "Anchor Rancor.
" - Anchor anchor? - Anchor Rancor.
- Anchor anchor.
- Rancor.
Anchor Rancor.
Subheader, "Will McAvoy gropes in the New Year.
" What? "ACN's newly minted liberal bloviator made a scene at a private New Year's Eve party at which our spies caught the reengineered lefty firebrand making a drunken pass at TMI reporter Nina Howard.
" Whoa, Nelly! "But the Tea Party foe got a face full of bubbly - instead of what he was looking for.
" - Ha! "McAvoy was wearing a $4,000 custom-made tuxedo and a dumb look on his face.
" There are a couple of factual errors in that story.
Please let there be more than a couple.
First of all, I'm a registered Republican.
I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage.
Second, I wasn't making a pass at her.
I was rejecting a pass from her while trying to talk her out of doing what they call at TMI a takedown piece of one of the Desperate Housewives of New Jersey.
- Real Housewives.
- Who gives a shit? - Definitely not me.
- And the tuxedo's off the rack.
- Did you grope her? - No! I-I-I-- I gently touched her to block her as she was coming in for a kiss.
I blocked her.
I was the victim of an unwanted sexual advance.
But more important, I was fighting the good fight.
Why were you fighting any fight? I was trying to get her to not write the takedown piece.
- Why? - Why? - Yeah.
- I'll tell you why.
Because I'm on a mission to civilize.
- How's it going so far? - Progress is slow, but I'm in it for the long haul.
You want Publicity to draft a statement? - About the mission? - The Page Six piece.
- Absolutely not.
- Good.
- What did you call me up here for? - Mostly to laugh at you.
But I also wanted to share an observation.
- Go.
- You're dating.
I am.
I've decided to live my life as if I'm alive.
I am all for it.
But I've noticed that the women you date all have one thing in common.
I am a leg man.
No, these are all women who, in a million years, you would not want to spend any daylight hours with.
What do you make of that? You're asking out the wrong women.
- I'm not an elitist.
- Be one.
No comment on this shit, Charlie.
I'm not kidding.
And I'd also like to know who at my party was tipping Page Six.
- I'll launch a full-scale investigation.
- Thank you.
How much was the tux? It was-- It was like-- It was 4,000 bucks.
( Overlapping voices ) - Mackenzie: Now! - ( Laughing ) What's happening now? In this order, Tess, Tamara, Gary, Maggie, Kendra, Martin, Neal, and Jim thought it would be funny.
- And you? - Peer pressure.
I didn't grope anybody.
I was holding her at bay while I clarified-- It doesn't matter.
I'm on a mission to civilize.
- I'm Don Quixote.
- I'm Don Quixote.
Have you even read Don Quixote? - In the original French.
- It was written in Spanish.
Not my copy.
I could have read it in Spanish? You could have read it in English.
Well, there's a year and a half of my life I'm not getting back.
Sit down.
All right.
Jim was working on New Year's Eve on stories we either missed or didn't pay enough attention to in 2010.
Not all New Year's Eve.
He found some time to take a little break.
- Pardon? - Nothing.
We'll do five minutes a night every night this week.
I've boiled them down to these and, Will, you can boil them down to what you want.
I'm out there on the front lines fighting for civility.
You picked her up at a party.
I didn't pick her up.
I walked up-- And can I say in my defense, did you see her legs? All right, that'll do.
First up, the Chilean miners.
We stuck with the Christine O'Donnell debate in Delaware instead of cutting away to the rescue.
I'll let everyone know that they came out all right.
You're the one who wanted these.
- Next? - Next.
I wouldn't mind following up on the bribery charges - Nigeria filed against Cheney.
- Next.
Conflict of interest with Virginia Thomas and the voicemail message-- - Next.
- Tess? - Now I'm frightened to say it.
- Say it.
May 27, the iPad was released.
Lines went around the block-- - Get the hell out of the meeting.
- Yeah.
- Sit down.
- Where are the real ones? The lies.
Lies.
Why doesn't the news ever call a lie a lie, but we know it's a lie? Jim, Maggie.
It was during the week of the midterms so we were doing other things, but the idea that Obama spent $200 million a day on a trip to India is still in the water supply.
We could deconstruct how that happened.
Sold.
What else? - Maggie: Guns.
- Will: What about them? Everyone from Wayne LaPierre to Glenn Beck is shouting that Obama is coming to get our guns when there's no evidence to suggest that Obama's the least bit interested in our guns.
Show me the lack of evidence and I'm in.
- Anything else? - Yes.
I don't know how else to say this.
- Bigfoot is-- - Great.
Not because they don't want to limit your rights, but because they're afraid of the political consequences.
- Coming back to you, Will.
- Don't doubt for a minute that if they thought they could get away with it, - they would ban guns and ban ammunition.
- Stand by, 177.
That was former governor Sarah Palin speaking to the National Rifle Association last year.
Here's Fox News host Glenn Beck on the same subject.
Herb: Go, 177.
Beck: He will slowly but surely - take away your gun.
- Herb: Stand by, 178.
And here's NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre speaking at CPAC, - the Conservative Political Action Conference.
- Go, 178.
But it's a big, fat, stinking lie.
Just like all the other lies that have come out of this corrupt administration.
Would you put this guy on a list of the top 10 craziest people in politics? That's a tough list to crack.
Yeah, I know this looks like a big, juicy rib-eye to you, but show some restraint now and let the facts speak for themselves.
- Any other tips? - Try not to get distracted by his legs.
- Here we go.
- That's their agenda.
Will: And radio host Rush Limbaugh has repeatedly warned to his listeners to go out and buy guns before President Obama outlaws them all.
The result? In November 2008, the month Mr.
Obama was elected, there was a 42% spike in gun background checks as compared to the same month the year before.
- Stand by, G-17 through 22.
- The country's largest anti-gun lobby is called the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, named for James Brady, President Reagan's press secretary who was shot in the head during John Hinckley's assassination attempt on the 40th president.
The Brady Organization gives grades to elected officials based on their record and leadership with regard to gun legislation with an "A" being the most anti-gun and so on.
In spite of Governor Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and the Director of the NRA telling us emphatically that Barack Obama has a secret plan to get our guns, here's the president's report card.
Background checks? F.
Gun trafficking? F.
Guns in public? F.
Federal assault weapons ban? F.
Standing up to the gun lobby? F.
Not only has no attempt whatsoever been made to dismantle the Second Amendment during Barack Obama's first two years in office, the president has signed into law more repeals of federal gun policies than George W.
Bush did during his entire eight years in the White House.
In fact, these grades would indicate that President Obama is the best friend the NRA has ever had in elected office, to say nothing of the Oval Office.
Why are Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and the head of the NRA so colossally lying to you? I don't know.
But I know when they do, ratings go up, political contributions go up, membership in the NRA goes up, the president's approval rating goes down, and gun sales go through the freaking roof.
- We'll be right back.
- Herb: Cue music.
( Music playing ) ( Horns honking ) You'll need to get used to dating a guy who gets off work at 9:00.
Hey, not dating.
One date.
- No, stop it.
- Maggie, I'm not-- - It's fine.
- It's not in the vicinity of fine.
Listen to me.
This is crazy.
- I agree.
- Nope, keep listening.
I have a boyfriend who I love.
And I should have fixed you up with Jim a long time ago.
- Even if that were true-- - It is true.
- Even if it was-- Even if-- - It is.
It-- - Let me talk! - Sorry.
- He's-- - But it is.
He's gonna think I'm dumb.
No, he's not.
Who told you that? No, he's not.
Lis', you're not dumb.
Look at me.
You're not dumb.
You go out with guys who make you feel dumb.
And Jim's not like that.
That's one of the things that makes him-- Trust me.
I've never been on a date with him, but I imagine You imagine what and how often? That it would be fun is all I was gonna say.
You're not dumb.
I'm just nervous.
I know.
Your skirt's on backwards.
Damn it.
And this is my field of expertise.
Yeah.
( Door closes ) ( Elevator bell dings ) ( Laughing ) Oh! Oh, my God.
I'm freezing.
I've got a real fireplace with real fire.
You do? Well, what about some dry clothes I can change into? Take whatever you want in the bedroom.
It's right around the corner.
Not the yellow taffeta sundress.
This is your fault.
I'm not the one who said, "Let's walk off dinner.
" I had to walk off dinner because you made me order the $135 macaroni and cheese.
I really wanted to see what $135 macaroni and cheese looked like.
- This is a fun date.
- It is.
And it's the same as Stouffer's macaroni and cheese with $134 worth of shaved truffles on top.
Sloan said you were fun.
Hey, do you like to get high? I used to, but I can't buy pot anymore without it showing up in a newspaper.
There's a joint in the side pocket of my purse.
Get it out.
All right.
- Carrie? - Yeah? Can we talk about the gun that's in your purse? I'm a southern liberal, dude.
It's northern liberals who are afraid of sex and guns.
Well, both at the same time and I'm a Republican from Nebraska.
But you mind if I You're disarming.
Get it? - Here's the thing-- - Yeah, yeah, I saw the show tonight.
I'm a liberal's liberal.
I worked for Hillary.
- You were dead wrong on guns.
- I didn't take a position on guns.
I took a position on lying.
I came out against it.
Well, if I'm walking the streets of Manhattan at night and a guy your size wants to rape me, then this is gonna happen.
Actually, statistics show that this is gonna happen.
Is it wrong that I'm turned on by that? Yes.
What'd you think of her? Yeah, what'd you think of her, Will? Oh, sorry.
- She was packing heat.
- Didn't I tell you? No, Sloan, she was armed.
( Muffled ) Waverly Inn to my apartment with a loaded .
38 caliber Walther PPK/S.
- Are you going out with her again? - No.
- Oh, you have to.
- No, I don't think so.
Get your mics on.
No, she's gonna call me and call me asking why you're not calling her.
That would happen after a second date, too, wouldn't it? Listen, just wait a while before you show up again in Page Six with a different woman.
She's super jealous.
You haven't seen the crazy side of her.
You set me up with a crazy woman who can shoot me.
Fatal Attraction with a concealed carry permit.
- I'm tagging you back.
- That's totally fair.
You're supposed to be the smartest person on the staff.
- You have two PhDs.
- In Economics.
This is an area where I do not excel.
Oh, thanks for the heads up.
Herb: In three, two ( Music playing ) Will: Terry Smith is coming up next in Washington with the Capitol Report.
I'm Will McAvoy.
Good night.
( Music playing ) ( Applause ) Good show, everybody.
Good show.
Yeah, I don't know.
The economy, we're still nibbling around the edges.
We can't get it all done in one night.
They're gonna rip Dodd-Frank limb from limb.
I don't know how many more nights we have left.
Hey, speaking-- Speaking of nights, I never asked-- I forgot to ask you how your date went.
It went fine.
Do you think you'll be seeing her again? - I don't think so.
- Why? Just one of those things.
Not a love connection? Broccoli, and combine cauliflower and string beans.
- So, elephant in the room.
- Yeah.
When I told my friend I was going out with you tonight, she sent me Monday's Page Six.
Okay, I met a woman named Nina Howard at our New Year's Eve party.
It turned out she writes for TMI.
I asked her what she was working on, and she told me she was doing what she called a takedown story.
I'm on a mission to civilize, so I tried to talk her out of it and she didn't take it well.
- A mission to civilize? - I walk a lonely road.
( Laughs ) What was the story she was doing? Um, Brittany DiFranklengonio from the New Jersey-- the Real Naked-- - Wait, Brittany Giancarlo? - That sounds right.
Yeah, she has a 10-year-old daughter that she allegedly gave to her mother.
Shut up.
And they actually call it a takedown piece.
That is so typically Brittany.
Yeah, it is.
She had a kid she gave up? I have no idea.
I don't even know if the kid is real.
- What I'm talking about-- - I knew she was a liar when she didn't invite Wendy to her game night.
When she got busted, she made everyone lie to cover her ass.
- What kind of person does that? - I don't know.
Oh, and she's having an affair with her yoga instructor.
- My therapist told me that.
- Your therapist really-- She knows I can keep a secret.
She's an awesome judge of character.
- Brittany? - Your therapist.
- 'Cause Brittany's a bitch.
- No, you are.
Okay, let's hold it right there and review the situation because when I said "you," what I meant was "we.
" I meant I'm not concerned about Brittany.
She signed up for this.
I'm concerned about the rest of us who are being turned into a bunch of old ladies with hair dryers on our heads gorging ourselves on the staged mis-- It's just-- God, it's so plainly bad, Monica.
It's called a guilty pleasure.
The chocolate soufflé on this menu is a guilty pleasure.
The Archies singing "Sugar, Sugar" is a guilty pleasure.
Human cockfighting makes us mean and desensitizes-- Wait, are you saying that I'm mean and insensitive? You-- You are a smart, accomplished woman.
- You work for a US Senator.
- Am I mean and insensitive? Yes, but thank goodness you met me in time.
Because now-- I can't believe how often this is happening.
He said he wasn't that into her.
Why are you so eager to make this happen? When did you get interested in Jim's life? Or Lisa's life? I just asked how did the date go.
But I'll tell you what's strange.
- What? - Jim's lying to you.
About what? Lisa told me they were going out again tonight.
That's Lisa saying she's hoping they go out again tonight.
- Ah, I misunderstood.
- Yeah.
Why would Jim lie about that? It's funny, I was wondering the same thing.
Why don't you give him a call? I'm not gonna call and check up on him.
Then call him and tell him to look on Politico 'cause I'm reading that Spencer Bachus told his hometown newspaper today - that Washington is there to serve the banks.
- Seriously? - Spencer Bachus is-- - I know.
Is that a quote? "Washington is here to serve the banks.
" I actually do have to call Jim.
It's an economic story.
That's what I'm saying.
( Ringing ) Can I see that? - Jim: Hello.
- Jim, it's me.
- Yeah? - Did I wake you up? No.
Is everything all right? Go to Politico.
The new Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee told his hometown newspaper that Washington is here to serve the banks.
- Bachus? - Yeah.
Go to Politico and click on-- If you want my body and you think I'm sexy Come on, sugar, let me know If you really need me Just reach out and touch me - Jim? - Yeah? You know, I'll talk to you in the morning.
Something wrong? She should really change her ringtone.
I can't believe what you just did.
( Laughs ) There is no way I'm the bad guy in what just happened.
At worst, I'm in fourth place.
Have I done something wrong? No.
Good.
- "Serial Sleaze.
" - I can explain this one.
"Will McAvoy is making more news when he's not behind his desk.
For the second time in a week, the ACN anchor was humiliated by a drink to the face from an unhappy date - when the newly-come-liberal bachelor"-- - Registered Republican.
--"stepped out with a bodacious blonde for a late supper at the Mercer Kitchen.
The formerly vanilla host of Atlantis Cable's flagship program, who many believe has become unglued since an appearance at the Northwestern School of Journalism last April, seems to like the ladies.
Unfortunately for McAvoy, the ladies don't seem to like him back.
The kicker? Our spies tell us that McAvoy, who's reported to earn a mid-seven figure salary, stiffed the waiter on his tip.
" Are you kidding? We didn't get past drinks.
I threw $100 on the table.
How much is a vodka martini and a pomegranate cosmo? Please tell me it was you who ordered the martini.
Of course I was the one who-- Yes.
Look, she asked me about New Year's Eve, I told her.
And it turns out that she, too, really seems to care about the life of Bethany-- - Brittany.
- DiLaguardiosa.
- No.
- How does it get in the paper so fast? God, these guys are good.
Well, now we're putting out a statement.
- No.
- Not from you.
- From your spokesperson.
- Not from any person.
Mr.
McAvoy has been the victim of a comical series of misunderstandings.
No way.
However, I want to depose every waiter, bartender, doorman, and valet to whom I have ever given a tip.
That might be unrealistic.
I am beloved in the service industries.
Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, how's the dating going? You know what? How many women did you date before you finally found the one? Doesn't matter how many I dated before.
I didn't date anyone after.
It probably helped that she didn't pull your heart out, throw it into an oven preheated to 450 degrees, bake it in a light honey glaze, and serve it to you on a bed of rice.
That's vivid.
But you don't hold onto things.
Why is it taking you so long to-- Because it is.
It doesn't work like in the movies.
It doesn't work at all.
- How sure are you about that? - Please.
On the off chance that you're not going to live forever, why not take a shot at being happy now? Can I go do the news? Yes.
- Hey, stupid.
- Yeah? - What'd I say? - When? I said don't show up in Page Six with another date.
- You think I phoned this in? - Carrie is freaking out.
- Who's Carrie? - Two nights ago! Oh, God.
What did she say? That you're a womanizing asshole and she hates you.
I wasn't womanizing.
I was dating.
Well, William, she has a gun and she's going to shoot you.
She's going to have to shoot you first, Sloan, because I'm going to use you as a human shield because you set me up with Annie Oakley.
- You mean Ado Annie? - I mean Annie Oakley.
Annie Get Your Gun.
Ado Annie's Oklahoma.
- "I'm just a Girl Who Can't Say No.
" - I can't help you anymore.
Damn, 'cause your help's been invaluable up till now.
Hey! Are you sure about Annie Get Your Gun? Yes.
Back in 15 seconds, Will.
Try not to date anyone before you're on the air.
Copy, Mac.
Try not to sleep with your ex-boyfriend while I am.
In three He got the better of that exchange.
Mark Twain said a lie'll get halfway around the world before the truth has time to pull its boots on.
That was literally the case in this story we didn't pay enough attention to in 2010.
President Obama was scheduled to travel to Mumbai to meet with the Indian Prime Minister about loosening US trade restrictions, a successful trip that would net our country $10 billion in export deals and 50,000 jobs.
And these overseas trips routinely cost in the area - of $5 million a day.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- But on November 2nd of last year, the website for New Delhi TV quoted an anonymous official of the Maharashtra Government saying that President Obama's trip would be costing $200 million a day.
The Drudge Report posts a link to the story, either believing it to be possible or not caring that it isn't.
Rush Limbaugh knows this figure can't possibly be right.
But Mr.
Limbaugh runs with it anyway.
$200 million a day this nation will spend on Obama's trip to India.
In spite of there being no source for this information, to say nothing of the absurdity of the figure, - Fox News grabs the baton.
- Ready, SOT 1.
So he's traveling with 34 warships, an entourage-- Oh, yeah, and he added 34 warships, or 14% of the US Navy.
So he's traveling with 34 warships, an entourage of 3,000 people-- Nope.
Beck: He's staying at the Taj Mahal Hotel, which they have booked every single room in.
And he's doing it-- $2 billion for 10 days-- Why? So on November 3rd, Matt Lehrich of the Office of White House Media Affairs says, "The numbers reported in this article have no basis in reality.
" Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, founder of the Tea Party Caucus, who herself has a difficult relationship with reality, ignores the statement from the White House.
I think we know that just within a day or so, the President of the United States will be taking a trip over to India that is expected to cost the taxpayers $200 million a day.
I think people who willfully, purposefully, and gleefully lie to the American people in order to damage someone's reputation should, like a registered sex offender, be required by law to come with that warning label for the rest of their lives.
( Phone ringing ) - Hello? - Will, it's Charlie.
I'm sorry to call early on a Saturday.
- What happened? - Can you come into the office at 11:00? - Yeah.
What's going on? - I'll see you at 11:00.
Welcome back to Red Carpet Roundup where we continue our review of last night's fashion winners and losers at the People's Choice Awards.
We'll throw it back to our studio in Hollywood and Paulita Maya and her team of fashion experts.
Paulita? Man: And we're clear.
He's here.
Against all instincts of what sanity sounds like, I'm here at 11:00 on a Saturday.
- Neal: You won't regret it.
- Jim: Too late.
Thank you all for coming.
Let me begin.
There are 1.
7 million known species.
Biologists estimate this represents only a quarter of the total species on the planet.
Species diversity is greatest in rain forests, and 75% of all species live in rain forests.
So, the argument is could there be an apex predator primate, a missing link if you will, between six and 10 feet tall, weighing up to 500 pounds that lives in a dense temperate rain forest? - Jim? - No.
Is that it? Careful.
Sometimes when Jim says no, what he really means is, "I'm sleeping with your roommate.
" What's going on? I didn't know you were coming.
- I was told to come.
- Really? Charlie called me at 7:00 this morning.
I wonder how that happened.
Was I called in on a Saturday for Bigfoot? I think you're gonna find this interesting.
I think you don't know what that word means.
- What are you doing? - You told me to come in.
Not for this.
What is this? I'm glad you asked, Charlie.
Bigfoot is-- Ah.
Follow me.
- I called you in for this.
- Oh, shit.
We need a whole team for this? Don's a good advisor on damage control.
- When's it come out? - It's out.
This is it.
You keep guns in your house? Yeah, a vast collection.
Sometimes to relax I go to the park and shoot dogs.
- I'm just asking.
- She had the gun.
Some crazy fucking friend of Sloan's.
I took out the bullets.
The highest incidents of Bigfoot sightings have all come from the temperate rain forest region that stretches from Northern California to Alaska.
Here we find local myths like the Sasquatch and Ts'emekwes.
Here we find local myths like Jim not being a liar.
Come with me, please.
- I'm learning things.
- Now, please.
First of all, you can't talk to me like that in front of the staff.
Oh, listen to Mr.
-- - Mike.
- Yeah? You got the rest of the afternoon off.
Maggie's taking your shift on the assignment desk.
- You sure? - Go home.
Nice to throw your weight around? Yeah.
Sit your ass at that desk until 4:00.
That's number one.
Number two, I'm sorry that I lied to you.
I didn't want you to be upset.
- Why did you think I'd be upset? - Because you are! Not because you slept with Lisa, because you lied about it! Excuse me! This isn't soundproof glass! It is because I slept with Lisa.
You've never lied to me in all the time we've been working together.
Is that not a little bit-- Just a little bit a good feeling? That it feels weird that I lied to you? And isn't it a little bit a good feeling that my instinct was to lie? I have no idea what you're talking about.
It was Don's idea to fix me up with Lisa, right? Maggie: Yes.
And Don was the one who called Lisa when she was at my place? - Yes.
- Then I'd ask Don.
'Cause he has every idea what I'm talking about.
I'm sorry I lied.
It won't happen again.
Don: Did you know she was married? She's been separated for over a year.
- Did you smoke pot with her? - Yes.
Did you level a .
32 caliber gun at her head? I was demonstrating-- Fuck this.
You'd just done a gun rant that night.
Is that what it was, Mac? It was a rant? Don: Does she have a text message from you? Listen to me.
She got jealous 'cause she read that I went out with someone else the next night.
Then she went to Nina Howard at TMI, who was just waiting for a chance-- I knocked Jennifer Aniston off the cover? This isn't funny, Will.
We're trying to do something here.
All of us.
There are guys in here on a Saturday doing-- What the hell are they doing? They're learning about Bigfoot.
Which, by the way, is what used to be in the tabloids.
- Bigfoot and Elvis sightings have been replaced-- - Whatever.
We signed up with you and no one's going to hear a word we're saying.
- Tell me what I did wrong? - How about drugs? I took a hit of a joint in my own home.
- The text message.
- I'm not telling you what it says.
Just tell me if you'd want your mother to read it.
Yeah, she died 10 years ago and I wouldn't mind seeing her again.
Here's what we're gonna do.
You're gonna go on ACN Morning.
- ( Groans ) - They are going to ask the questions we want them to ask - and you're going to give the answers we want-- - I'm not doing that.
- Will.
- No, I'm not playing.
This is News Corp using their gossip trash to fuck with an anchor.
News Corp doesn't own TMI.
We do.
- I'm talking about the Right coming after me.
- Wait.
- I'm talking about-- - Wait! Wait.
The tuxedo.
The $4,000 tux.
You didn't buy it off the rack, did you? - What does-- - Just tell me.
You're my boss and I make a lot more money than you do.
That makes me uncomfortable.
- No, the tux was made for me by Armand-- - Armand Felini.
Yeah, how did you know? 'Cause Leona Lansing gave me the same Christmas present last year.
A custom-made tuxedo from Armand Felini.
This isn't News Corp.
It's us.
It's AWM.
That's how Nina Howard knew how much the suit cost.
Why would our parent company-- I had a meeting I never told you guys about the day after election night.
Leona's really pissed that you're shooting at Tea Party congressmen and senators she has to do business with.
How pissed? I'm not asking him to lie.
I'm not asking him to cover anything up.
But he's gonna tone it down or I'll fire him.
Well, best of luck trying to program against him.
I won't have to.
He's got a non-compete clause in his contract.
He's got to stay off television for three years.
- That's a death sentence.
- It is.
How would you possibly explain firing the second most watched anchor on cable? By creating what we call a context.
His firing would be viewed as an honorable step by a corporation willing to sacrifice ratings for integrity.
How could you not tell me about that meeting? - I should have.
- You think? - I should have.
- This is a huge line that's being crossed.
- I made that clear to her.
- A huge-- how many times in the last six months have I asked if we're all right on the 44th floor? Will, I love you, but you've got clay feet and I needed to keep you in the chair.
Oh, thanks for the confidence.
Don: Can we get back to damage control? - ACN Morning Monday.
- Hang on.
You'd never allow a non-compete clause in your contract.
You couldn't stay off the television for five minutes.
It got put in.
When? When, Will? When I renegotiated my contract.
To be able to fire me at the end of each week.
Yeah.
Jesus Christ, how much do you hate me? - I don't hate you.
- You allowed a non-compete clause in your contract? Three years? You were willing to stay off TV for three years? When was the last time an anchor stayed off TV for three years and ever came back? Have revenge sex with every woman in the Tri-State area for all I care, but keep it out of the goddamn newspapers.
- Some of us have moved on.
- Yeah, you mentioned that.
I can leave.
You can do the same show with another producer.
- We can have that discussion.
- Why don't we have it now? Yeah.
Yeah, some of us moved on three and a half years ago and forgot to tell me! ( Muffled shouting ) Neal: Uh, ahem.
The vast majority of this rain forest is unexplored - despite almost 100 years of commercial logging.
- ( Computer beeps ) I would add that renowned primatologist Jane Goodall is also a believer, given the cryptozoological history of the lowland gorilla.
But she's not alone in this scientific field.
Due to frequent yeti sightings When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want Heads up! - What's going on? - All hands! There's been a shooting in Tucson and a congresswoman, Gabrielle Giffords, has been shot in the head.
This is Martin at the ACN newsroom.
I was wondering if you have a comment on the shooting? - Get me our Tucson affiliate.
- It's Charlie Skinner.
New York Control is breaking in in 15 minutes.
- Tess! - Yeah? - I'm giving you a phone number.
- Okay.
Quickly.
Lt.
Harvel Shansky, Tucson PD.
8-4-6 When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse? Gary, I need to be able to talk to a goddamn correspondent on the ground.
- The shooter's in custody.
- Who is he? How'd they get him? Lights will guide you home.
And ignite Everybody up! Up, up! recording their next album without Maines.
We'll get the inside scoop from Natalie herself.
To fix you.
And high up above or down below.
When you're too in love to let it go.
But if you never try, you'll never know just what you're worth.
Lights will guide Will: We're cutting into our program with breaking news.
A local Tucson newspaper is reporting that Arizona Congresswoman Gabby-- Gabrielle Giffords has been shot while holding a public event in Tucson outside a grocery store.
Possibly as many as 12 others have been rushed to an area hospital We're now learning that three members of Gabrielle Giffords' staff were among those wounded and rushed to University Medical Center in Tucson.
Does he have an arrest record? They've had him for over an hour now.
How can they not know who he is? He's not going on the air with maybe.
- Jim.
Jim.
- No, an arrest record.
Okay, can you tell me if the congresswoman's district office has received any threats? Jim, NPR is saying she's dead.
- Anyone else? - No.
Then she's not dead yet.
If you're just joining us, a gunman in Arizona Fox, MSNBC, and CNN are all calling it.
Let me hear MSNBC.
Reporter: a sole source of information that reports that the Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords has been killed in this heinous attempt on her life.
Joey.
Get me some official confirmation or I'm not calling it right now.
Why hasn't he called it yet? I don't have time right now.
Jim, why hasn't he called it? - Gary, I need him in the hospital.
- He's there.
CNN, MSNBC, and FOX say she's dead.
They're all going off the same NPR report.
- I'm not satisfied.
- I don't give a shit if you're satisfied.
Mackenzie: What the hell is he-- Hey! We're going to show you now an interview Gabrielle Giffords gave just last year.
This is Congresswoman Giffords.
- Herb: 30 seconds.
- What's going on? - I'll call security.
- Every second you're not current, the channel to the guy who is.
That's the business you're in.
MSNBC, Fox, and CNN all say she's dead.
Don, tell him.
Don! It's a person.
A doctor pronouncers her dead, not the news.
Back in five, four What we know so far is that Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and 12 others were shot when a gunman opened fire at a local town hall in Tucson, Arizona.
Tears stream down your face when you lose something Is he overhearing it or is he at the hospital? - She's alive! - Who's telling you that? The anesthesiologist.
She's being prepped for surgery.
- I've got her alive! - NPR called it wrong.
She's alive.
She's alive.
Will.
All right, we're learning now that Giffords is being prepped for surgery and we have our ACN affiliate at University Hospital now.
- What can you tell us? - Will Mac, get in here with Charlie right now.
- Is everything-- - Right now! You tell Leona that if she wants me out of this chair, she better bring more than just a couple of guys.
That's exactly what I'll fucking tell her.
I'm not fucking around, Charlie! Feet of fucking steel.
- Mac.
- I'm sorry.
- It's not your fault.
- I fucked everything up! - It's gonna be all right.
- What the fuck is going on? You're a fucking newsman, Don! I ever tell you otherwise, you punch me in the face! Okay, but you're back in 30.
Back in 30.
Joey.
Just breathe regular.
The tears stream down your face.
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes This is a sketchy description of the procedure they'll be trying.
Hey.
When this is over, let me see the Bigfoot presentation.
Really? I think I need some consulting on what's real and what's not.
Okay, I think you'll find that there's some striking evidence-- - Not now.
- Herb: Stand by, camera 1.
- Right.
- In three, two Thank you, Tom.
Let's put together what we know.
A little after noon today, Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot while holding a town hall meeting in Tucson, Arizona.
Along with Giffords And I will try to fix you.
( Theme music playing )
- She's so British.
- We're a little more than friends.
- Good to meet you.
- Mackenzie: I'm sorry.
- No, this is exactly what was supposed to happen.
You two have broken up four times and gotten together five times, so there must be a strong connection.
- Was that sarcastic? - No.
You guys obviously have something.
My suggestion is stop breaking up.
Learn how to have a fight.
Lisa, are you still there? That was him.
Will: The Tea Party is being radicalized and their original principles obliterated.
The health care law hasn't taken effect yet.
TARP was signed into law by George W.
Bush.
He's gonna tone it down or I'm gonna fire him.
You'd manufacture a reason to do it? I've got a really good job, Charlie.
In six weeks I haven't heard anything from the 44th floor.
- How are they with this? - Good.
Good.
I'll tell you when there's something to worry about.
( Theme music playing ) Try to keep my head above it the best I can.
That's why, here I am.
Just waiting for this storm to pass me by.
And that's the sound of sunshine coming down.
And that's the sound of sunshine Hey.
I thought I saw you sneak in.
- You look nice.
- Thanks.
So do you.
Oh, yeah.
I was at a party at Bloomberg's.
But you came here to be with your News Night family at midnight.
Well, near them, anyway.
- Can I ask a favor? - Yeah.
Can Wade have two minutes with you? He's got some facts he wants to share.
- Sure.
- You don't mind? No problem.
Wade? - Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.
Oh, and Jim's putting together the packet of stories you asked him to.
You want to give it five minutes a night next week? - Let's look at the stories first.
- Done.
I'll leave you guys alone.
- How have you been? - I've been good, thanks.
- And I appreciate you taking a minute.
- What can I do for you? You know I'm an assistant US attorney for the southern district, right? - Yeah.
- Well, right now, my job's prosecuting financial crime.
Well, you know, Wade, feel free to start any time.
( Chuckles ) You've been pretty rough on us.
Countrywide? Well, I don't know what to tell you.
You've got guys flooding the market with bad mortgages, lying to investors, making billions of dollars, but most incredibly, discussing it by email.
I don't mean to insult you, man, but how do you not get a fraud conviction? Right there's what I'm talking about.
This is the half of the story you're leaving out.
- Are you ready for me to blow your mind? - Gary: Sure.
- Bigfoot's real.
- Jim: No, it's not.
- Gary: Did you say-- - Bigfoot is real.
- No, it's not.
- Listen to me, skeptismo.
There are 1.
7 million known species on the planet, and biologists estimate this represents only a quarter of the total species on the planet.
The other three quarters are microscopic.
- How do you know? - I don't know.
But if the other three quarters were Bigfoot, they wouldn't be hard to see.
They'd be walking up and down the street.
We're gonna step slowly away now.
Don't mention this to anyone unless you know them really well.
- And even then.
- Pandas were thought to be a myth until 1869.
Gorillas were thought to be a myth until 1902.
The giant squid was thought to be a myth until 2004.
- What's up? - Maggie, listen to me.
Apex predators-- species at the top of the food chain-- have the smallest numbers and move in the tiniest packs.
Is this Bigfoot? Species diversity is greatest in the rain forests.
Stop.
Just don't even-- Stop.
What are you doing? Trying to work.
- Do you see there's a party happening around you? - I'm okay.
Sometimes it's hard to tell who the biggest nerd in the office is.
- Could there be an apex predator primate-- - Not today, though.
Kaylee.
You guys haven't met Kaylee yet.
Is this a new girlfriend? - Girlfriend's a strong word.
- Really? - Hey, baby.
- Hey.
- Kaylee: Get me drunk.
- Neal: Done.
Boom! ( Laughing ) - Come on, join the party.
- I will.
I just want to finish this for Will.
- What is it? - Stories we missed this year or didn't give enough attention to.
- Want some help? - Sure.
Yeah, take this stack here - and anything you think is-- - Anything we missed.
Jim: Or didn't give enough attention to.
Bigfoot's real and I don't think anyone reported it.
- Hey, Don.
- Jim: Circle it.
( Laughing ) You look really nice tonight.
- Yeah? - God, definite-- Yes.
Yeah.
Definitely.
- Yeah, I don't mean to be-- - Shoot, Don's here.
- I'm sorry.
- It's no problem.
I was almost done.
Well, don't, you know-- - Take a couple hours off.
- I will.
Will you? 'Cause it's a party.
Have you ever been to one? I have been to over three of them.
( Laughs ) Maggie.
See you later.
- Oh, man.
Look at you.
- You look at me.
I had to get a crew off the clock.
Did I miss anything? Neal won't rest until he gets Will to do a story on Bigfoot.
Did Bigfoot do something? Bigfoot can't do anything.
He's not real.
That's what they said about the moon landing.
I believe you've had a cocktail.
Men have cocktails.
Carrie Bradshaw has drinks.
Nope, the other way around.
Doesn't matter.
I'm fun Don tonight.
( Laughs ) I love fun Don.
- Where have I seen this dress before? - On Lisa.
- She let me raid her closet.
- I think you should never take it off.
Except when you take it off.
Now, speaking of your roommate, I had a great idea.
- Soundproofing her bedroom? - Fixing her up with Jim.
( Laughs ) Are you kidding? I feel like I owe him one.
Then why would you unleash Lisa on him? - They'll get along.
- She works in a boutique.
- Here she is.
Lisa.
- Wait, don't.
This is the worst fix-up ever.
I'm not talking about having him take a bride.
- I'm talking about starting off the new year - Getting him laid.
- With a bang.
- with a bang.
See what I did? - You made it.
- Yeah.
Am I wearing a huge sign that says dateless on New Year's Eve? - No, but that dress sends a message loud and clear.
- Do I look slutty? - Absolutely.
In the best way.
- No.
Don! I wasn't going for slutty.
I was going for-- ( Ringtone ) If you want my body and you think I'm sexy Come on, sugar, let me know.
( Turns off ) I like Rod Stewart.
Yeah.
So, I've got a guy for you.
- No, you don't.
- A guy here? - Yeah.
- No.
Is it another loser that doesn't have a date on New Year's Eve? - He's not a loser.
- Yes, he's a huge loser.
- What the hell is going on? - What the hell is going on? She works in fashion, Don.
No offense, Lis.
I don't even know what I'm supposed to be offended by.
But I can talk about other things.
I don't have to talk about fashion.
- I know you can.
- Give me a topic.
What's happening with the Greek debt crisis? There's a huge crisis in Greece.
- They're in a lot of debt.
- See? - Are you serious? - That's more than most people know.
You see the guy over there? The cute, sweet-looking puppy dog guy - with the stupid look on his face? - He is cute.
- Why is he working? - He has a job.
So right there, he's a leg up on your usual diet.
His name's Jim Harper.
He's a senior producer.
He's a bright guy.
He's not the creative director for an imaginary Internet start-up.
He calls his mother.
I'm sure he's nice, but I don't think I'm in the mood for a fix-up.
- Why not? - I don't know, I'm just coming off a relationship.
Of 10 days.
I've bought milk before your relationship started - that was still good to drink after it ended.
- I don't think so.
No, it's true.
I can show you the milk.
She doesn't need to be fixed up, honey.
I didn't say that she needed to be fixed up.
No guy wants to be fixed up Besides, I'm not his type.
I can tell.
You're everybody's type.
You're the girl next door.
Let's go.
Next door to what? - Jimmy Olsen.
- That nickname's really gonna stick, huh? It has endured.
It's a compliment.
Jimmy Olsen was a go-getter.
Yeah, but strictly speaking, he was a photojournalist.
In fact, when DC Comics first introduced-- Yeah, shut up.
This is Maggie's roommate Lisa.
Oh, hey.
It's nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- I've heard a lot about you.
I've heard a lot about-- Not a lot.
Maggie's-- She's mentioned you once, I think.
Lisa went to Parsons and she works at a very high-end boutique in the Village.
- Nice.
- So why don't you take Lisa out onto the terrace where you can watch one million people in Times Square waiting for the world's biggest nonevent? Maggie and I are going to get some drinks and we'll meet you out there.
- Jim has to work.
- Not at 11:50 on New Year's Eve.
Grab some coats.
- Tess.
- Yeah? Kill me.
Kill me now.
- Do it now.
- Huh? Congress cut our investigations to 20% of what they promised.
We were supposed to get 165 million.
But after rolling over to the GOP, they only gave us 30.
- How's it going in here? - Good.
Wade says the House cut 80% of the DOJ's budget - to fight financial crime.
- He was just telling me.
For every one of me the Justice Department can hire, the banks can hire 20 and afford to stay in litigation forever.
You think Big Tobacco throws money at this shit? Meet Goldman.
Meet Lehman.
Meet B of A.
And meet Countrywide.
Honey, are you saying the United States of America is getting out-lawyered? Don't call him honey.
It makes me crazy.
I didn't say that.
It came out of my mouth.
Just words.
Yes, we are getting out-lawyered.
That is a story we're missing.
Let me talk to Mac a second.
- All right? - Great.
- I'll be outside.
- Great.
You can't have your boyfriends lobbying me to go easier on them.
Hang on, he wasn't lobbying for you to go easier.
He was pitching a story.
I've got a staff of paid professionals to do that.
Mostly by using inside sources like Wade.
And it's not boyfriends.
It's one boyfriend.
- So he's your boyfriend? - I guess he is.
- I mean, that's what you call him? - I call him Wade.
- When you introduce him, do you say-- - Yes! How do you introduce the Netflix queue of crazy divorced women with digitally remastered breasts you spend your nights with? You see anyone with me right now? Of course not.
If you'd asked someone out on New Year's Eve, that would mean you were in a real relationship.
Oh, please.
Please tell me more about real relationships.
I'm not keeping myself in jail anymore.
- What does that mean? - He's my boyfriend.
We're serious.
I want a partner.
That is so romantic.
I'd set it to music.
- Look.
- I'm glad you're letting yourself out of jail.
- I meant-- - You owe it to yourself.
Congress defunded the DOJ on financial crime.
I thought you'd want to hear that.
I did.
Come on out to the party.
I will.
All right.
Fuck it.
- Nice tux.
- I just came from a different party.
- Was it good? - Have you ever been to a good New Year's Eve party? - No.
- I've never enjoyed myself on December 31st.
No one ever has.
I can tell you for me, there was this one time in 10th grade-- This is my thing I'm talking about now.
Okay.
Why don't you talk to someone? I don't need a therapist, I just don't like New Year's Eve.
No, I'm saying why don't you go up to someone here at the party and talk to them? - Do people really do that? - Talk to people? - Just walk up to them.
- I've seen it on TV.
That woman over there, she's obviously here alone and I'm getting a good feeling about her.
You have good instincts about these things? I'm opening up to you.
I'm not good at this.
That's really sweet, Will.
You should let more people-- Yeah, yeah, yeah, what do I do? Walk up to her and introduce yourself.
- I'm gonna do it.
- You should.
- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- Talk to her.
- I'm going.
- Okay, but you're still standing here.
- Here I go.
- Haven't moved.
Shut up.
- Hi.
Excuse me.
- Am I in your way? No, I just wanted to introduce myself.
- I'm Will McAvoy.
- I know that.
I'm Nina Howard.
I don't know what to do now.
- Did you come over to talk to me? - Yes.
All right.
How'd you get in here? I'm a friend of one of the producers on ACN Morning.
Day side.
Uh-oh.
Oh, day side and prime time don't get along? Jets and the Sharks.
Well, maybe we could be like Tony and Maria.
Why is Will talking to Nina Howard? - You know who she is? - She's a gossip columnist for TMI.
Oh, he shouldn't be talking to her.
- I know.
Why is he? - I may have suggested it.
- Why? - You were here with Wade and he seemed lonely.
Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm so sorry.
- Can I talk to you a moment? - Really? - Yeah.
- She wants to warn you that I'm a gossip columnist.
Oh, that's not it.
I promise.
- She's a gossip columnist.
- No, she writes features.
TMI had Jennifer Aniston on the cover this week.
You know who they had last week? Jennifer Aniston.
- Know who they had the week before? - Are you a subscriber? They have it at my nail place.
- Oh, do you go to Cuti-cles? - Yes.
- Ba-Ling? - Yes.
- I'm walking away from this.
- No, Will.
Yeah, my instincts may have been wrong.
It's New Year's Eve.
I don't care if she writes for Mein Kampf.
Really? You're setting up my boyfriend? - Not my boyfriend.
Just words.
Hi.
- What about your boyfriend? - Hey, handsome.
- Nice.
You know, it's only a few minutes before midnight.
Yeah, we've got clocks everywhere.
So I say you kiss me at midnight and we see what happens from there.
I'm gonna start to walk up to people more.
I got you a drink.
Now you seem lonely and broken to me.
- I do? - But don't worry, I can fix you.
Well, if there's one thing a man likes, it's a woman who tries to fix him.
What are you working on right now? A piece on Brittany Giancarlo.
I don't know who that is.
Brittany Giancarlo.
She's the young one on Real Housewives of New Jersey.
- Oh, I've got them all TiVo'd.
- She's a drunk gold digger who's probably cheating with her yoga instructor.
And why are you writing about her? I just told you.
No, I mean, sure, but what did she do? Nothing, it's just a takedown piece.
- A what? - A takedown piece.
I'm gonna take her down.
Why? 'Cause that's what you do in a takedown piece, genius.
Crowd: Nine, eight You actually call it a takedown piece? - Yeah.
- Crowd: Four, three, two, one! Happy New Year! ( Music playing ) - Hang on.
- What? You're just setting out to be mean to somebody? - And this was going so well.
- No, it could still go well.
Not if you're going to give me a condescending lecture.
I think we both know that's what's going to happen.
Didn't I just spend the last six months watching you take down the Tea Party? Okay, first, thanks for watching.
Second, I obviously didn't take them down.
They won.
Third, the fact that they did is an enormous danger to A: - a great political party - Oh, there's subheadings? Of which I happen to be a member, and B: An enormous danger to everyone who lives in this country.
- Fourth - Fourth? These are people who are asking for our votes.
You and I do the same thing for a living.
That's nuts, Nina.
I try to expose the truth about things that are of national importance.
Well, I'm trying to expose the truth about the fact that Brittany might have had a daughter when she was a teenager who's now 10 possibly and being taken care of by her mother.
Why is that the concern of anyone except for Brittany? It's not a concern.
It's entertainment.
Okay, well, here's the thing, though, it shouldn't be.
- Is that right? - Of course it's right.
You know it's right.
You know right from wrong.
Everybody said you were like this.
No, no, look.
You can be part of the change.
You don't have to write gossip.
I work for a gossip magazine.
Are we gonna go back to flirting or are you gonna keep putting me down? I'm not putting you down.
I'm just saying that what you do is a really bad form of pollution that makes us dumber and meaner and is destroying civilization.
I'm saying, with all possible respect, that I would have more respect for you if you were a heroin dealer.
And I'm speaking professionally, not personally.
Okay, Will.
I'm speaking personally when I say fuck you.
And you just passed up a sure thing.
- Come on, hear me out.
- Don't touch me.
The real lives of people shouldn't be used as entertainment.
- You can turn this around.
- I'm not interested.
What do you think he's doing? Trying to civilize her.
Oh, that's not gonna work out well.
Hang on, looks like it's coming any second.
that you're on right now.
There it is.
- Will.
- Yeah? I just wanted to introduce my friend Kaylee.
- I'm a huge fan.
- Thank you.
I hate to bother you, but do you have a second? I've got all the time in the world, Neal.
All right, Bigfoot is real.
- Let me start-- - Get the hell away from me.
- No problem.
Sorry.
Come on.
- Okay.
- Yeah? - Have you read the New York Post? No, my eyes are connected to my brain.
I'm not sure about that.
Let's open to Page Six, which for some reason is on page 10, and see what we find.
The headline, "Anchor Rancor.
" - Anchor anchor? - Anchor Rancor.
- Anchor anchor.
- Rancor.
Anchor Rancor.
Subheader, "Will McAvoy gropes in the New Year.
" What? "ACN's newly minted liberal bloviator made a scene at a private New Year's Eve party at which our spies caught the reengineered lefty firebrand making a drunken pass at TMI reporter Nina Howard.
" Whoa, Nelly! "But the Tea Party foe got a face full of bubbly - instead of what he was looking for.
" - Ha! "McAvoy was wearing a $4,000 custom-made tuxedo and a dumb look on his face.
" There are a couple of factual errors in that story.
Please let there be more than a couple.
First of all, I'm a registered Republican.
I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage.
Second, I wasn't making a pass at her.
I was rejecting a pass from her while trying to talk her out of doing what they call at TMI a takedown piece of one of the Desperate Housewives of New Jersey.
- Real Housewives.
- Who gives a shit? - Definitely not me.
- And the tuxedo's off the rack.
- Did you grope her? - No! I-I-I-- I gently touched her to block her as she was coming in for a kiss.
I blocked her.
I was the victim of an unwanted sexual advance.
But more important, I was fighting the good fight.
Why were you fighting any fight? I was trying to get her to not write the takedown piece.
- Why? - Why? - Yeah.
- I'll tell you why.
Because I'm on a mission to civilize.
- How's it going so far? - Progress is slow, but I'm in it for the long haul.
You want Publicity to draft a statement? - About the mission? - The Page Six piece.
- Absolutely not.
- Good.
- What did you call me up here for? - Mostly to laugh at you.
But I also wanted to share an observation.
- Go.
- You're dating.
I am.
I've decided to live my life as if I'm alive.
I am all for it.
But I've noticed that the women you date all have one thing in common.
I am a leg man.
No, these are all women who, in a million years, you would not want to spend any daylight hours with.
What do you make of that? You're asking out the wrong women.
- I'm not an elitist.
- Be one.
No comment on this shit, Charlie.
I'm not kidding.
And I'd also like to know who at my party was tipping Page Six.
- I'll launch a full-scale investigation.
- Thank you.
How much was the tux? It was-- It was like-- It was 4,000 bucks.
( Overlapping voices ) - Mackenzie: Now! - ( Laughing ) What's happening now? In this order, Tess, Tamara, Gary, Maggie, Kendra, Martin, Neal, and Jim thought it would be funny.
- And you? - Peer pressure.
I didn't grope anybody.
I was holding her at bay while I clarified-- It doesn't matter.
I'm on a mission to civilize.
- I'm Don Quixote.
- I'm Don Quixote.
Have you even read Don Quixote? - In the original French.
- It was written in Spanish.
Not my copy.
I could have read it in Spanish? You could have read it in English.
Well, there's a year and a half of my life I'm not getting back.
Sit down.
All right.
Jim was working on New Year's Eve on stories we either missed or didn't pay enough attention to in 2010.
Not all New Year's Eve.
He found some time to take a little break.
- Pardon? - Nothing.
We'll do five minutes a night every night this week.
I've boiled them down to these and, Will, you can boil them down to what you want.
I'm out there on the front lines fighting for civility.
You picked her up at a party.
I didn't pick her up.
I walked up-- And can I say in my defense, did you see her legs? All right, that'll do.
First up, the Chilean miners.
We stuck with the Christine O'Donnell debate in Delaware instead of cutting away to the rescue.
I'll let everyone know that they came out all right.
You're the one who wanted these.
- Next? - Next.
I wouldn't mind following up on the bribery charges - Nigeria filed against Cheney.
- Next.
Conflict of interest with Virginia Thomas and the voicemail message-- - Next.
- Tess? - Now I'm frightened to say it.
- Say it.
May 27, the iPad was released.
Lines went around the block-- - Get the hell out of the meeting.
- Yeah.
- Sit down.
- Where are the real ones? The lies.
Lies.
Why doesn't the news ever call a lie a lie, but we know it's a lie? Jim, Maggie.
It was during the week of the midterms so we were doing other things, but the idea that Obama spent $200 million a day on a trip to India is still in the water supply.
We could deconstruct how that happened.
Sold.
What else? - Maggie: Guns.
- Will: What about them? Everyone from Wayne LaPierre to Glenn Beck is shouting that Obama is coming to get our guns when there's no evidence to suggest that Obama's the least bit interested in our guns.
Show me the lack of evidence and I'm in.
- Anything else? - Yes.
I don't know how else to say this.
- Bigfoot is-- - Great.
Not because they don't want to limit your rights, but because they're afraid of the political consequences.
- Coming back to you, Will.
- Don't doubt for a minute that if they thought they could get away with it, - they would ban guns and ban ammunition.
- Stand by, 177.
That was former governor Sarah Palin speaking to the National Rifle Association last year.
Here's Fox News host Glenn Beck on the same subject.
Herb: Go, 177.
Beck: He will slowly but surely - take away your gun.
- Herb: Stand by, 178.
And here's NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre speaking at CPAC, - the Conservative Political Action Conference.
- Go, 178.
But it's a big, fat, stinking lie.
Just like all the other lies that have come out of this corrupt administration.
Would you put this guy on a list of the top 10 craziest people in politics? That's a tough list to crack.
Yeah, I know this looks like a big, juicy rib-eye to you, but show some restraint now and let the facts speak for themselves.
- Any other tips? - Try not to get distracted by his legs.
- Here we go.
- That's their agenda.
Will: And radio host Rush Limbaugh has repeatedly warned to his listeners to go out and buy guns before President Obama outlaws them all.
The result? In November 2008, the month Mr.
Obama was elected, there was a 42% spike in gun background checks as compared to the same month the year before.
- Stand by, G-17 through 22.
- The country's largest anti-gun lobby is called the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, named for James Brady, President Reagan's press secretary who was shot in the head during John Hinckley's assassination attempt on the 40th president.
The Brady Organization gives grades to elected officials based on their record and leadership with regard to gun legislation with an "A" being the most anti-gun and so on.
In spite of Governor Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and the Director of the NRA telling us emphatically that Barack Obama has a secret plan to get our guns, here's the president's report card.
Background checks? F.
Gun trafficking? F.
Guns in public? F.
Federal assault weapons ban? F.
Standing up to the gun lobby? F.
Not only has no attempt whatsoever been made to dismantle the Second Amendment during Barack Obama's first two years in office, the president has signed into law more repeals of federal gun policies than George W.
Bush did during his entire eight years in the White House.
In fact, these grades would indicate that President Obama is the best friend the NRA has ever had in elected office, to say nothing of the Oval Office.
Why are Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, and the head of the NRA so colossally lying to you? I don't know.
But I know when they do, ratings go up, political contributions go up, membership in the NRA goes up, the president's approval rating goes down, and gun sales go through the freaking roof.
- We'll be right back.
- Herb: Cue music.
( Music playing ) ( Horns honking ) You'll need to get used to dating a guy who gets off work at 9:00.
Hey, not dating.
One date.
- No, stop it.
- Maggie, I'm not-- - It's fine.
- It's not in the vicinity of fine.
Listen to me.
This is crazy.
- I agree.
- Nope, keep listening.
I have a boyfriend who I love.
And I should have fixed you up with Jim a long time ago.
- Even if that were true-- - It is true.
- Even if it was-- Even if-- - It is.
It-- - Let me talk! - Sorry.
- He's-- - But it is.
He's gonna think I'm dumb.
No, he's not.
Who told you that? No, he's not.
Lis', you're not dumb.
Look at me.
You're not dumb.
You go out with guys who make you feel dumb.
And Jim's not like that.
That's one of the things that makes him-- Trust me.
I've never been on a date with him, but I imagine You imagine what and how often? That it would be fun is all I was gonna say.
You're not dumb.
I'm just nervous.
I know.
Your skirt's on backwards.
Damn it.
And this is my field of expertise.
Yeah.
( Door closes ) ( Elevator bell dings ) ( Laughing ) Oh! Oh, my God.
I'm freezing.
I've got a real fireplace with real fire.
You do? Well, what about some dry clothes I can change into? Take whatever you want in the bedroom.
It's right around the corner.
Not the yellow taffeta sundress.
This is your fault.
I'm not the one who said, "Let's walk off dinner.
" I had to walk off dinner because you made me order the $135 macaroni and cheese.
I really wanted to see what $135 macaroni and cheese looked like.
- This is a fun date.
- It is.
And it's the same as Stouffer's macaroni and cheese with $134 worth of shaved truffles on top.
Sloan said you were fun.
Hey, do you like to get high? I used to, but I can't buy pot anymore without it showing up in a newspaper.
There's a joint in the side pocket of my purse.
Get it out.
All right.
- Carrie? - Yeah? Can we talk about the gun that's in your purse? I'm a southern liberal, dude.
It's northern liberals who are afraid of sex and guns.
Well, both at the same time and I'm a Republican from Nebraska.
But you mind if I You're disarming.
Get it? - Here's the thing-- - Yeah, yeah, I saw the show tonight.
I'm a liberal's liberal.
I worked for Hillary.
- You were dead wrong on guns.
- I didn't take a position on guns.
I took a position on lying.
I came out against it.
Well, if I'm walking the streets of Manhattan at night and a guy your size wants to rape me, then this is gonna happen.
Actually, statistics show that this is gonna happen.
Is it wrong that I'm turned on by that? Yes.
What'd you think of her? Yeah, what'd you think of her, Will? Oh, sorry.
- She was packing heat.
- Didn't I tell you? No, Sloan, she was armed.
( Muffled ) Waverly Inn to my apartment with a loaded .
38 caliber Walther PPK/S.
- Are you going out with her again? - No.
- Oh, you have to.
- No, I don't think so.
Get your mics on.
No, she's gonna call me and call me asking why you're not calling her.
That would happen after a second date, too, wouldn't it? Listen, just wait a while before you show up again in Page Six with a different woman.
She's super jealous.
You haven't seen the crazy side of her.
You set me up with a crazy woman who can shoot me.
Fatal Attraction with a concealed carry permit.
- I'm tagging you back.
- That's totally fair.
You're supposed to be the smartest person on the staff.
- You have two PhDs.
- In Economics.
This is an area where I do not excel.
Oh, thanks for the heads up.
Herb: In three, two ( Music playing ) Will: Terry Smith is coming up next in Washington with the Capitol Report.
I'm Will McAvoy.
Good night.
( Music playing ) ( Applause ) Good show, everybody.
Good show.
Yeah, I don't know.
The economy, we're still nibbling around the edges.
We can't get it all done in one night.
They're gonna rip Dodd-Frank limb from limb.
I don't know how many more nights we have left.
Hey, speaking-- Speaking of nights, I never asked-- I forgot to ask you how your date went.
It went fine.
Do you think you'll be seeing her again? - I don't think so.
- Why? Just one of those things.
Not a love connection? Broccoli, and combine cauliflower and string beans.
- So, elephant in the room.
- Yeah.
When I told my friend I was going out with you tonight, she sent me Monday's Page Six.
Okay, I met a woman named Nina Howard at our New Year's Eve party.
It turned out she writes for TMI.
I asked her what she was working on, and she told me she was doing what she called a takedown story.
I'm on a mission to civilize, so I tried to talk her out of it and she didn't take it well.
- A mission to civilize? - I walk a lonely road.
( Laughs ) What was the story she was doing? Um, Brittany DiFranklengonio from the New Jersey-- the Real Naked-- - Wait, Brittany Giancarlo? - That sounds right.
Yeah, she has a 10-year-old daughter that she allegedly gave to her mother.
Shut up.
And they actually call it a takedown piece.
That is so typically Brittany.
Yeah, it is.
She had a kid she gave up? I have no idea.
I don't even know if the kid is real.
- What I'm talking about-- - I knew she was a liar when she didn't invite Wendy to her game night.
When she got busted, she made everyone lie to cover her ass.
- What kind of person does that? - I don't know.
Oh, and she's having an affair with her yoga instructor.
- My therapist told me that.
- Your therapist really-- She knows I can keep a secret.
She's an awesome judge of character.
- Brittany? - Your therapist.
- 'Cause Brittany's a bitch.
- No, you are.
Okay, let's hold it right there and review the situation because when I said "you," what I meant was "we.
" I meant I'm not concerned about Brittany.
She signed up for this.
I'm concerned about the rest of us who are being turned into a bunch of old ladies with hair dryers on our heads gorging ourselves on the staged mis-- It's just-- God, it's so plainly bad, Monica.
It's called a guilty pleasure.
The chocolate soufflé on this menu is a guilty pleasure.
The Archies singing "Sugar, Sugar" is a guilty pleasure.
Human cockfighting makes us mean and desensitizes-- Wait, are you saying that I'm mean and insensitive? You-- You are a smart, accomplished woman.
- You work for a US Senator.
- Am I mean and insensitive? Yes, but thank goodness you met me in time.
Because now-- I can't believe how often this is happening.
He said he wasn't that into her.
Why are you so eager to make this happen? When did you get interested in Jim's life? Or Lisa's life? I just asked how did the date go.
But I'll tell you what's strange.
- What? - Jim's lying to you.
About what? Lisa told me they were going out again tonight.
That's Lisa saying she's hoping they go out again tonight.
- Ah, I misunderstood.
- Yeah.
Why would Jim lie about that? It's funny, I was wondering the same thing.
Why don't you give him a call? I'm not gonna call and check up on him.
Then call him and tell him to look on Politico 'cause I'm reading that Spencer Bachus told his hometown newspaper today - that Washington is there to serve the banks.
- Seriously? - Spencer Bachus is-- - I know.
Is that a quote? "Washington is here to serve the banks.
" I actually do have to call Jim.
It's an economic story.
That's what I'm saying.
( Ringing ) Can I see that? - Jim: Hello.
- Jim, it's me.
- Yeah? - Did I wake you up? No.
Is everything all right? Go to Politico.
The new Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee told his hometown newspaper that Washington is here to serve the banks.
- Bachus? - Yeah.
Go to Politico and click on-- If you want my body and you think I'm sexy Come on, sugar, let me know If you really need me Just reach out and touch me - Jim? - Yeah? You know, I'll talk to you in the morning.
Something wrong? She should really change her ringtone.
I can't believe what you just did.
( Laughs ) There is no way I'm the bad guy in what just happened.
At worst, I'm in fourth place.
Have I done something wrong? No.
Good.
- "Serial Sleaze.
" - I can explain this one.
"Will McAvoy is making more news when he's not behind his desk.
For the second time in a week, the ACN anchor was humiliated by a drink to the face from an unhappy date - when the newly-come-liberal bachelor"-- - Registered Republican.
--"stepped out with a bodacious blonde for a late supper at the Mercer Kitchen.
The formerly vanilla host of Atlantis Cable's flagship program, who many believe has become unglued since an appearance at the Northwestern School of Journalism last April, seems to like the ladies.
Unfortunately for McAvoy, the ladies don't seem to like him back.
The kicker? Our spies tell us that McAvoy, who's reported to earn a mid-seven figure salary, stiffed the waiter on his tip.
" Are you kidding? We didn't get past drinks.
I threw $100 on the table.
How much is a vodka martini and a pomegranate cosmo? Please tell me it was you who ordered the martini.
Of course I was the one who-- Yes.
Look, she asked me about New Year's Eve, I told her.
And it turns out that she, too, really seems to care about the life of Bethany-- - Brittany.
- DiLaguardiosa.
- No.
- How does it get in the paper so fast? God, these guys are good.
Well, now we're putting out a statement.
- No.
- Not from you.
- From your spokesperson.
- Not from any person.
Mr.
McAvoy has been the victim of a comical series of misunderstandings.
No way.
However, I want to depose every waiter, bartender, doorman, and valet to whom I have ever given a tip.
That might be unrealistic.
I am beloved in the service industries.
Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, how's the dating going? You know what? How many women did you date before you finally found the one? Doesn't matter how many I dated before.
I didn't date anyone after.
It probably helped that she didn't pull your heart out, throw it into an oven preheated to 450 degrees, bake it in a light honey glaze, and serve it to you on a bed of rice.
That's vivid.
But you don't hold onto things.
Why is it taking you so long to-- Because it is.
It doesn't work like in the movies.
It doesn't work at all.
- How sure are you about that? - Please.
On the off chance that you're not going to live forever, why not take a shot at being happy now? Can I go do the news? Yes.
- Hey, stupid.
- Yeah? - What'd I say? - When? I said don't show up in Page Six with another date.
- You think I phoned this in? - Carrie is freaking out.
- Who's Carrie? - Two nights ago! Oh, God.
What did she say? That you're a womanizing asshole and she hates you.
I wasn't womanizing.
I was dating.
Well, William, she has a gun and she's going to shoot you.
She's going to have to shoot you first, Sloan, because I'm going to use you as a human shield because you set me up with Annie Oakley.
- You mean Ado Annie? - I mean Annie Oakley.
Annie Get Your Gun.
Ado Annie's Oklahoma.
- "I'm just a Girl Who Can't Say No.
" - I can't help you anymore.
Damn, 'cause your help's been invaluable up till now.
Hey! Are you sure about Annie Get Your Gun? Yes.
Back in 15 seconds, Will.
Try not to date anyone before you're on the air.
Copy, Mac.
Try not to sleep with your ex-boyfriend while I am.
In three He got the better of that exchange.
Mark Twain said a lie'll get halfway around the world before the truth has time to pull its boots on.
That was literally the case in this story we didn't pay enough attention to in 2010.
President Obama was scheduled to travel to Mumbai to meet with the Indian Prime Minister about loosening US trade restrictions, a successful trip that would net our country $10 billion in export deals and 50,000 jobs.
And these overseas trips routinely cost in the area - of $5 million a day.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- But on November 2nd of last year, the website for New Delhi TV quoted an anonymous official of the Maharashtra Government saying that President Obama's trip would be costing $200 million a day.
The Drudge Report posts a link to the story, either believing it to be possible or not caring that it isn't.
Rush Limbaugh knows this figure can't possibly be right.
But Mr.
Limbaugh runs with it anyway.
$200 million a day this nation will spend on Obama's trip to India.
In spite of there being no source for this information, to say nothing of the absurdity of the figure, - Fox News grabs the baton.
- Ready, SOT 1.
So he's traveling with 34 warships, an entourage-- Oh, yeah, and he added 34 warships, or 14% of the US Navy.
So he's traveling with 34 warships, an entourage of 3,000 people-- Nope.
Beck: He's staying at the Taj Mahal Hotel, which they have booked every single room in.
And he's doing it-- $2 billion for 10 days-- Why? So on November 3rd, Matt Lehrich of the Office of White House Media Affairs says, "The numbers reported in this article have no basis in reality.
" Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, founder of the Tea Party Caucus, who herself has a difficult relationship with reality, ignores the statement from the White House.
I think we know that just within a day or so, the President of the United States will be taking a trip over to India that is expected to cost the taxpayers $200 million a day.
I think people who willfully, purposefully, and gleefully lie to the American people in order to damage someone's reputation should, like a registered sex offender, be required by law to come with that warning label for the rest of their lives.
( Phone ringing ) - Hello? - Will, it's Charlie.
I'm sorry to call early on a Saturday.
- What happened? - Can you come into the office at 11:00? - Yeah.
What's going on? - I'll see you at 11:00.
Welcome back to Red Carpet Roundup where we continue our review of last night's fashion winners and losers at the People's Choice Awards.
We'll throw it back to our studio in Hollywood and Paulita Maya and her team of fashion experts.
Paulita? Man: And we're clear.
He's here.
Against all instincts of what sanity sounds like, I'm here at 11:00 on a Saturday.
- Neal: You won't regret it.
- Jim: Too late.
Thank you all for coming.
Let me begin.
There are 1.
7 million known species.
Biologists estimate this represents only a quarter of the total species on the planet.
Species diversity is greatest in rain forests, and 75% of all species live in rain forests.
So, the argument is could there be an apex predator primate, a missing link if you will, between six and 10 feet tall, weighing up to 500 pounds that lives in a dense temperate rain forest? - Jim? - No.
Is that it? Careful.
Sometimes when Jim says no, what he really means is, "I'm sleeping with your roommate.
" What's going on? I didn't know you were coming.
- I was told to come.
- Really? Charlie called me at 7:00 this morning.
I wonder how that happened.
Was I called in on a Saturday for Bigfoot? I think you're gonna find this interesting.
I think you don't know what that word means.
- What are you doing? - You told me to come in.
Not for this.
What is this? I'm glad you asked, Charlie.
Bigfoot is-- Ah.
Follow me.
- I called you in for this.
- Oh, shit.
We need a whole team for this? Don's a good advisor on damage control.
- When's it come out? - It's out.
This is it.
You keep guns in your house? Yeah, a vast collection.
Sometimes to relax I go to the park and shoot dogs.
- I'm just asking.
- She had the gun.
Some crazy fucking friend of Sloan's.
I took out the bullets.
The highest incidents of Bigfoot sightings have all come from the temperate rain forest region that stretches from Northern California to Alaska.
Here we find local myths like the Sasquatch and Ts'emekwes.
Here we find local myths like Jim not being a liar.
Come with me, please.
- I'm learning things.
- Now, please.
First of all, you can't talk to me like that in front of the staff.
Oh, listen to Mr.
-- - Mike.
- Yeah? You got the rest of the afternoon off.
Maggie's taking your shift on the assignment desk.
- You sure? - Go home.
Nice to throw your weight around? Yeah.
Sit your ass at that desk until 4:00.
That's number one.
Number two, I'm sorry that I lied to you.
I didn't want you to be upset.
- Why did you think I'd be upset? - Because you are! Not because you slept with Lisa, because you lied about it! Excuse me! This isn't soundproof glass! It is because I slept with Lisa.
You've never lied to me in all the time we've been working together.
Is that not a little bit-- Just a little bit a good feeling? That it feels weird that I lied to you? And isn't it a little bit a good feeling that my instinct was to lie? I have no idea what you're talking about.
It was Don's idea to fix me up with Lisa, right? Maggie: Yes.
And Don was the one who called Lisa when she was at my place? - Yes.
- Then I'd ask Don.
'Cause he has every idea what I'm talking about.
I'm sorry I lied.
It won't happen again.
Don: Did you know she was married? She's been separated for over a year.
- Did you smoke pot with her? - Yes.
Did you level a .
32 caliber gun at her head? I was demonstrating-- Fuck this.
You'd just done a gun rant that night.
Is that what it was, Mac? It was a rant? Don: Does she have a text message from you? Listen to me.
She got jealous 'cause she read that I went out with someone else the next night.
Then she went to Nina Howard at TMI, who was just waiting for a chance-- I knocked Jennifer Aniston off the cover? This isn't funny, Will.
We're trying to do something here.
All of us.
There are guys in here on a Saturday doing-- What the hell are they doing? They're learning about Bigfoot.
Which, by the way, is what used to be in the tabloids.
- Bigfoot and Elvis sightings have been replaced-- - Whatever.
We signed up with you and no one's going to hear a word we're saying.
- Tell me what I did wrong? - How about drugs? I took a hit of a joint in my own home.
- The text message.
- I'm not telling you what it says.
Just tell me if you'd want your mother to read it.
Yeah, she died 10 years ago and I wouldn't mind seeing her again.
Here's what we're gonna do.
You're gonna go on ACN Morning.
- ( Groans ) - They are going to ask the questions we want them to ask - and you're going to give the answers we want-- - I'm not doing that.
- Will.
- No, I'm not playing.
This is News Corp using their gossip trash to fuck with an anchor.
News Corp doesn't own TMI.
We do.
- I'm talking about the Right coming after me.
- Wait.
- I'm talking about-- - Wait! Wait.
The tuxedo.
The $4,000 tux.
You didn't buy it off the rack, did you? - What does-- - Just tell me.
You're my boss and I make a lot more money than you do.
That makes me uncomfortable.
- No, the tux was made for me by Armand-- - Armand Felini.
Yeah, how did you know? 'Cause Leona Lansing gave me the same Christmas present last year.
A custom-made tuxedo from Armand Felini.
This isn't News Corp.
It's us.
It's AWM.
That's how Nina Howard knew how much the suit cost.
Why would our parent company-- I had a meeting I never told you guys about the day after election night.
Leona's really pissed that you're shooting at Tea Party congressmen and senators she has to do business with.
How pissed? I'm not asking him to lie.
I'm not asking him to cover anything up.
But he's gonna tone it down or I'll fire him.
Well, best of luck trying to program against him.
I won't have to.
He's got a non-compete clause in his contract.
He's got to stay off television for three years.
- That's a death sentence.
- It is.
How would you possibly explain firing the second most watched anchor on cable? By creating what we call a context.
His firing would be viewed as an honorable step by a corporation willing to sacrifice ratings for integrity.
How could you not tell me about that meeting? - I should have.
- You think? - I should have.
- This is a huge line that's being crossed.
- I made that clear to her.
- A huge-- how many times in the last six months have I asked if we're all right on the 44th floor? Will, I love you, but you've got clay feet and I needed to keep you in the chair.
Oh, thanks for the confidence.
Don: Can we get back to damage control? - ACN Morning Monday.
- Hang on.
You'd never allow a non-compete clause in your contract.
You couldn't stay off the television for five minutes.
It got put in.
When? When, Will? When I renegotiated my contract.
To be able to fire me at the end of each week.
Yeah.
Jesus Christ, how much do you hate me? - I don't hate you.
- You allowed a non-compete clause in your contract? Three years? You were willing to stay off TV for three years? When was the last time an anchor stayed off TV for three years and ever came back? Have revenge sex with every woman in the Tri-State area for all I care, but keep it out of the goddamn newspapers.
- Some of us have moved on.
- Yeah, you mentioned that.
I can leave.
You can do the same show with another producer.
- We can have that discussion.
- Why don't we have it now? Yeah.
Yeah, some of us moved on three and a half years ago and forgot to tell me! ( Muffled shouting ) Neal: Uh, ahem.
The vast majority of this rain forest is unexplored - despite almost 100 years of commercial logging.
- ( Computer beeps ) I would add that renowned primatologist Jane Goodall is also a believer, given the cryptozoological history of the lowland gorilla.
But she's not alone in this scientific field.
Due to frequent yeti sightings When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want Heads up! - What's going on? - All hands! There's been a shooting in Tucson and a congresswoman, Gabrielle Giffords, has been shot in the head.
This is Martin at the ACN newsroom.
I was wondering if you have a comment on the shooting? - Get me our Tucson affiliate.
- It's Charlie Skinner.
New York Control is breaking in in 15 minutes.
- Tess! - Yeah? - I'm giving you a phone number.
- Okay.
Quickly.
Lt.
Harvel Shansky, Tucson PD.
8-4-6 When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse? Gary, I need to be able to talk to a goddamn correspondent on the ground.
- The shooter's in custody.
- Who is he? How'd they get him? Lights will guide you home.
And ignite Everybody up! Up, up! recording their next album without Maines.
We'll get the inside scoop from Natalie herself.
To fix you.
And high up above or down below.
When you're too in love to let it go.
But if you never try, you'll never know just what you're worth.
Lights will guide Will: We're cutting into our program with breaking news.
A local Tucson newspaper is reporting that Arizona Congresswoman Gabby-- Gabrielle Giffords has been shot while holding a public event in Tucson outside a grocery store.
Possibly as many as 12 others have been rushed to an area hospital We're now learning that three members of Gabrielle Giffords' staff were among those wounded and rushed to University Medical Center in Tucson.
Does he have an arrest record? They've had him for over an hour now.
How can they not know who he is? He's not going on the air with maybe.
- Jim.
Jim.
- No, an arrest record.
Okay, can you tell me if the congresswoman's district office has received any threats? Jim, NPR is saying she's dead.
- Anyone else? - No.
Then she's not dead yet.
If you're just joining us, a gunman in Arizona Fox, MSNBC, and CNN are all calling it.
Let me hear MSNBC.
Reporter: a sole source of information that reports that the Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords has been killed in this heinous attempt on her life.
Joey.
Get me some official confirmation or I'm not calling it right now.
Why hasn't he called it yet? I don't have time right now.
Jim, why hasn't he called it? - Gary, I need him in the hospital.
- He's there.
CNN, MSNBC, and FOX say she's dead.
They're all going off the same NPR report.
- I'm not satisfied.
- I don't give a shit if you're satisfied.
Mackenzie: What the hell is he-- Hey! We're going to show you now an interview Gabrielle Giffords gave just last year.
This is Congresswoman Giffords.
- Herb: 30 seconds.
- What's going on? - I'll call security.
- Every second you're not current, the channel to the guy who is.
That's the business you're in.
MSNBC, Fox, and CNN all say she's dead.
Don, tell him.
Don! It's a person.
A doctor pronouncers her dead, not the news.
Back in five, four What we know so far is that Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and 12 others were shot when a gunman opened fire at a local town hall in Tucson, Arizona.
Tears stream down your face when you lose something Is he overhearing it or is he at the hospital? - She's alive! - Who's telling you that? The anesthesiologist.
She's being prepped for surgery.
- I've got her alive! - NPR called it wrong.
She's alive.
She's alive.
Will.
All right, we're learning now that Giffords is being prepped for surgery and we have our ACN affiliate at University Hospital now.
- What can you tell us? - Will Mac, get in here with Charlie right now.
- Is everything-- - Right now! You tell Leona that if she wants me out of this chair, she better bring more than just a couple of guys.
That's exactly what I'll fucking tell her.
I'm not fucking around, Charlie! Feet of fucking steel.
- Mac.
- I'm sorry.
- It's not your fault.
- I fucked everything up! - It's gonna be all right.
- What the fuck is going on? You're a fucking newsman, Don! I ever tell you otherwise, you punch me in the face! Okay, but you're back in 30.
Back in 30.
Joey.
Just breathe regular.
The tears stream down your face.
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes This is a sketchy description of the procedure they'll be trying.
Hey.
When this is over, let me see the Bigfoot presentation.
Really? I think I need some consulting on what's real and what's not.
Okay, I think you'll find that there's some striking evidence-- - Not now.
- Herb: Stand by, camera 1.
- Right.
- In three, two Thank you, Tom.
Let's put together what we know.
A little after noon today, Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot while holding a town hall meeting in Tucson, Arizona.
Along with Giffords And I will try to fix you.
( Theme music playing )