The Office (US) s04e07 Episode Script

Survivor Man

I really didn't think I was gonna have a good time but I did.
I love camping.
Anything can happen Well it wasn't camping.
It was more of a wilderness retreat.
- Morning.
- Michael.
Ryan invited some of the branch managers and Toby into the woods for a "get to know you" weekend.
Michael wasn't invited.
Apparently they already knew everything they needed to know about him.
Did you sleep in cabins? Under the stars.
It was really beautiful.
You should've come.
Bob and I took rock climbing lessons once.
Michael wasn't invited on Ryan's camping trip.
Toby went, but Michael didn't go.
He wasn't invited.
- Who went? - Me, Dan from Buffalo, Mark Chisholm, Jeff from Albany, and Ryan obviously.
We had so many s'mores I finally had to say, "no more s'mores, no more s'mores.
" Ryan invited me to go on his wilderness adventure retreat.
It was this amazing, beautiful Hey, nobody cares.
Nobody cares.
I need that room at some point so just wrap it up.
Michael wasn't invited.
Episode 4x07 "SURVIVOR MAN" Hypothetically, if I were to ask you to go camping And you know what "hypothetical" means? - Not real.
- Got it.
So if I were to hypothetically ask you to go camping with me, - would you go? - Absolutely, yes.
When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes.
- Really? - Yeah.
Do you wanna go today? And I am always busy.
Oh, can't go today 'cause I'm donating blood.
How often can you actually donate blood? Is there a limit? I don't Your body only has a certain amount.
Well is that it, or Yeah, just this whole Toby camping thing.
I don't know.
It seems a little lame.
- How so? - A bunch of guys in a tent making s'mores? - What's that? - Hello, I'm Broken Mountain.
Here's the thing.
That's not how you go camping.
I think you go camping by yourself in the wilderness.
It's not with a group of guys frolicking around in tents.
It's one guy, or two guys if your plans change.
- Not gonna change.
- I want to do it myself.
I want to go and find out something about myself.
I want to get out of here.
All the cliques and the office politics.
Fluorescent lights and the asbestos.
- I thought we had that looked at.
- I'm sick of this place, Jim.
When Jan and I had satellite, we used to watch a reality show called Survivorman, and it was interesting because it was about a guy who would go out into the middle of nowhere and just try not to die, try not to get eaten by an animal or be overexposed.
Okay, I will only need two things: a roll of duct tape and a knife.
- I'm on it.
- Okay.
Thirty minutes or less, please come back.
Save the receipt.
- Hey, what - Let's see if any of these will work.
I keep various weaponry strategically placed around the office.
I saved Jim's life with a can of pepper spray I had velcroed under my desk.
People say, "Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace.
" Well I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally than by a stranger on purpose.
Dwight and I are going out.
He will return later, but I will not.
I will also be taking a personal day tomorrow and perhaps the next day.
Do you want me to ask where you're going? - No.
- Great.
Dwight'll be driving me deep into the Pennsylvania wilderness Where he will then leave me to either die or to survive.
- The choice is yours.
- No.
The choice is actually yours.
- Are you sure you wanna do this? - Yes, and I am leaving you in charge of the office for the rest of the day and for the next several days.
- Don't try to follow me.
- Great.
This is a very personal, private experience in the wild that I wish to share - with me, myself, and I.
- Yep.
When I return, I hope to be a completely changed human being.
That'd be great.
Do I believe that Michael possesses the skills to survive in a hostel environment? Let's put it this way.
No, I do not.
This is what a true survivorman does.
You simulate a disaster, like a plane wreck.
You can only wear the clothes that you have on.
And you can only use the stuff that you have in your pockets.
Now in this case, this disaster is a serial killer, creepy guy who's abducted me, and is taking me out into the wilderness to leave me for dead.
I would never leave you for dead.
You would never escape.
Well yes, I would and I would survive.
I'Id make sure that you were dead, believe me.
Then I'Id remove your teeth and cut off your fingertips so you couldn't be identified.
And they would call me the overkill killer.
You are as creepy as a real serial killer.
- For real.
Okay - What are you doing? I'm putting this on so I have no familiarity with my surroundings.
Now this way I can't retrace my steps.
I don't know what streets we - What are you doing? - It'Id be better if you're unconscious.
God! Dwight, stop it! Stop it! Do you want to do this right or not? Please allow me to have one cathartic experience in my life? Jim, we need to order a cake for Creed's birthday.
Wasn't it just someone's birthday? Yes, Kelly's was last week, remember? - I do remember, yeah.
- It's birthday month.
Creed's is today, Oscar's is week after next, Meredith's is at the end of the month.
Michael usually goes with red an You know what? I have an idea.
Why don't we just do one big shared party? What? There are 13 people working in this office.
So 13 times a year, Michael gets a cake and balloons and some sort of joke gift and makes a toast.
And there are two types of toasts.
One is a joke about how old you are.
Look at those wrinkles.
Blacks do crack! Not crack the drug.
And the other is something inappropriate or horrible.
Or both.
What else? He only sings the high harmony to Happy birthday.
And he is a very big believer in surprise parties.
Maybe even arguably, possibly to a fault.
Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! So I think, yeah I think getting these out of the way might be productive.
We can just have one big fun party.
And everybody's happy and nobody wastes their time.
I don't like it.
You're shaking things up a bit, huh? - It's a pretty good idea, uh? - You think it's a good idea? No I think it's a great idea.
We're here.
Dwight will take my blindfold off when we are deep in the forest.
Just the two of us from this point out.
Here we go.
Just the two of us.
Here we go into the wild to the mighty forest.
Can you smell the trees and the nature? Keep going.
You're fine.
Just some bushes and some thickets.
Keep going.
You wanted wilderness, you got it.
Try sending them another invoice.
- Okay.
- All right.
Oh, did you see my memo, by the way? "Let's be honest.
As fun as birthday's are "we all could use a break from the constant cake.
"So let's celebrate birthday month in style today.
" This is really cool.
- Right? - Yeah.
I was just think No, totally.
This way we get it all out of the way at once and it could actually be fun.
Right! Exactly.
I knew I could count on you.
This is as good a spot as any.
What are you doing? - Stop it.
Dwight, just stop it! - I'm just Spin I'm trying to confuse your sense of direction! Behold.
Thank you, Dwight.
- Here's your knife.
- Thank you.
- And here's your duct tape.
- Good.
- All right.
- Very good.
- Good luck, Michael.
- Thanks for the ride.
Okay Leave me be, Dwight.
Hey Jim, can I have my own cake? - What's that? - I really prefer devil's food cake.
Oh, sure.
- Yes, awesome! - Okay.
- That was easy.
- People like me I guess.
- I hate devil's food.
- I think Meredith Screw Meredith.
It's not fair someone else pick the cake on my birthday.
- Everybody's birthday.
- Today is my birthday - and I wanna pick the cake.
- What you want? I want pie.
I want peach pie.
I want a nice cobbler.
I'm gonna talk to Angela to see what we can do.
No matter who you talk to, make it happen.
- It'll be Angela.
- You tell her it's for Creed.
She'll know what that means.
Day one.
I'm in the interior of the vast Pennsylvania wilderness.
I've brought with me only the bare essentials.
A knife, roll of duct tape in case I need to fashion a shelter or make some sort of water vessel.
It's hot today.
The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant which would make it about Really beating down on me now.
And I think that I want to get a little more comfortable because the sun is depleting my resources.
Oh, there we go.
Watch that I don't hit my carotid artery here.
I lied to Michael.
I said that I would leave him alone, but I will not.
I will remain close by to provide unseen moral support.
But I will never help him.
I will let harm befall him.
I will even let him die.
But I will never let him lose his dignity.
There we go.
Much better.
Now everything I brought with me can be used.
My sport coat here can be fashioned into a backpack of sorts.
I'm going to wear what was once one of my pant legs.
See this is a beautiful piece of material.
This could be used for all sorts of things.
Some sort of kerchief to keep my neck nice and comfortable.
- Tuna.
- Andy.
Me likey the ice cream cake, okay? - "Fudgey the whale.
" - Not your birthday.
Well I'm just saying, you know, if you want to make people happy, namely me, you will have a fudgey the whale.
All right.
Gonna look into it.
But the answer's no.
Wow, okay.
Just don't expect me to show up.
Hey Andy, I have some calls to make.
- Loud and clear.
- All right.
- Pizza rolls.
- I'm gonna go into this office here to do some work so I will be in here.
Mushroom caps.
I am totally alone right now with only my thoughts.
I love it.
I'm lovin' it I can literally say anything I want.
No one is going to hear me.
Wish I could've gone with Ryan on that cool retreat! Jan has plastic boobs! I- have-hemorrhoids! Doesn't even matter.
Michael is a man of great depth and passion.
I don't know what he's searching for out here.
But I hope he finds it.
Well it is a little chillier than I had thought so I have fashioned my hat back into my pants.
Several hours in.
It's time for me to find some nourishment.
Now these woods are full of creatures that can sustain human life.
Things like squirrels.
A nice, juicy rabbit would be delicious.
About two more minutes.
I have made this spear with which I will impale my dinner.
And it couldn't come a moment too soon because I have been without food for a good three hours or so.
Starting to feel it a little bit.
It's Creed's birthday today.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday dear Cre-ed Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, buddy.
What is Jim thinking? It's a birthday.
So what if there's a lot of them.
Yeah, I work hard all day.
I like knowing that there's going to be a break.
Most days I just sit and wait for the break.
I took an extra shot of insulin in preparation for this cake today.
If I don't have some cake soon, I might die.
- Why don't you have an apple? - Why don't you mind your business? Listen, I figured this out.
Jimmy had his birthday three weeks ago so he doesn't care.
- I think the power went to his head.
- Hey, Jim! - Hey guys, what are we talking about? - Nothing.
Nothing going on.
We're talking about nothing.
Come on, gang.
Well if you take a look at this I tented my pants.
I've made myself a nice pants tent shelter.
And this little guy may be Dunder Mifflin paper someday.
Nothing to worry about.
Just using the scope.
Safety is on.
- Hey, Jim.
- Toby.
Hey, I just got the word on the communal birthdays.
Great idea.
Oh, thanks, man.
Is there anything I can My birthday was two months ago.
- Oh, okay.
- There was no party.
- What? - Well there was.
But Michael scheduled it for 4:58 on a friday.
You know, people sang in the parking lot.
Mmm, I remember that.
I just thought, maybe you could - include me.
- Seriously? I just thought you could add me in.
I don't know what the harm in that is.
Toby's great.
He's great.
But sometimes he can be a little bit much.
"I don't see the harm in that.
" Well it's a cake, Toby.
So, come on.
You know what? We're gonna throw you in because the more the merrier.
No, no way.
I am not a machine, Jim.
You can't change plans willie-nillie and expect this little magic party elves to do your bidding.
We already have devil's food, peach cobbler, "fudgey the whale," mushroom caps I'm allergic to mushrooms.
That's a bummer.
Okay Then we need to Hey, everybody.
Hi, how are you doing? Can I have your attention? We've to talk about this birthday thing.
- Conference room? - Yes, conference room.
Five minutes.
We're gonna solve it right here.
We're gonna talk about it out here.
So who has problems with the birthday thing? One, two, three Everybody.
Okay, so then we just shouldn't do it.
What am I supposed to do with two cakes and a pie? - Ooh, I'll take 'em! - Well nobody's touching my cobbler.
Hey Michael I mean Jim.
Yep, Phyllis called me Michael.
And I will always and forever be haunted by that fact.
Under this tree, I think I struck the motherload.
Those are nature's best mushrooms.
Wild, and I have to say, these little buggers are damn tasty as well.
No! No, Michael! No! Give 'em up! Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday dear Creed Happy birthday to you Yeah! Skip around the room Skip around the room We won't Okay, all right.
Yike, don't to that.
You're gonna break something.
Man became civilized for a reason.
He decided that he like to have warmth and clothing and television and hamburgers and to walk upright, and to have a soft futon at the end of the day.
He didn't want to have to struggle to survive.
I don't need the woods.
I have a nice wood desk.
I don't need fresh air because I have the freshest air around: A.
And I don't need wide open spaces.
Check it out.
I can also make it the sky.
- Hi, buddy.
- Hey.
Word up.
Sure glad you're back.
You are relieved.
You have no idea.
So what did I miss? Well I tried to put all the birthdays together at once.
- So terrible idea.
- Yeah.
Okay, I did that.
Rookie mistake.
- You did do it? - Yeah.
Just wait.
Ten years, you'll figure it out.
Well I don't think I'll be here in ten years, but That's what I said.
That's what she said! - That's what who says? - I never know.
I just say it.
I say stuff like that, you know, to lighten the tension when things sort of get hard.
That's what she said.
Hey! Nice! Really good.
Bravo, my young ward.