The Office (US) s06e09 Episode Script


Boom! Boom boom! Broken nose! Boom boom boom! Broken nose! Boom! TOPTOPTHIS YEAR IN MARTIAL ARTS: as we all know,the one thing that thousand-year-old martial arts do all the time is change.
How can i pose this to you in a relatable way? You are all members of the yakuza, and you happen to be visiting the lackawanna trolley museum, and you are attacked by triads.
How can you hold them off until your clan arrives? You cannot go wrong with a throat punch.
Okay,so there's no defense for that? Good to know.
No,there is a defense for that.
Let me demonstrate.
Someone attack me.
Kevin,go! No way.
Last time,you pulled my pants down, and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.
I did choke you with your shoelace.
Now come at me! Okay,with all due respect to everyone here, i think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
That is correct,unless there happen to be measles present.
So let's just say that dwight has come at you with the throat punch.
Now,how would you,dwight, defend against it? Easy.
Allow me to demonstrate.
I am attacking myself with a throat punch.
Here it comes.
Grasp wrist as such.
And what if he comes at you with the other hand? Because he does have two.
Good point.
Second throat punch.
Absorb the blow.
Groin punch.
Hit,block,elbow to the gut! Up to the nose! No,you're not! Oh,my god,he's making you look like such a fool.
He really is,but not for long.
God! Instep! Boh! Not again! You let go! You let go! Oh,you're right! I can't hold on! You two are so evenly matched,i don't know how one of you's gonna get the upper hand.
The important thing to remember,jim, we always have what is called the element of surprise.
Proudly Presents the office 609 But i would say my favorite art form is a tie between sculpting and stand-up comedy.
I did stand-up comedy once.
- You did? - Yeah,i killed.
- That sounds like it was hilarious.
- It was hilarious.
- Michael? - Yes? What is the meaning of this email that everyone got? You'll have to be more specific,dwight.
I get like eight emails a day.
This one.
"from: david wallace,to: all dunder mifflin.
" whoo-hoo.
"hello,everyone,i'm sure you've seen "the item in the journal.
"just want to stress it's all conjecture.
"if there's any concrete news,you will know a.
" erin,do we have the journal? Your feelings journal? You told me to put it in the time capsule.
- Did you? - Michael,he means the wall street journal online.
Oh,the wall.
I found the article.
"on a day marked by panicked corporate board meetings, "one that is relatively unsurprising "is dunder mifflin's.
It is rumored that they will recommend de--" and the article cuts off.
It's $1.
99 to finish the article.
I wonder what it was gonna say.
Are you serious? I got it,i got it.
Tuna beat me to it.
"it is rumored that they will recommend declaring bankruptcy"? No,no.
That doesn't make any sense.
Oh,lord,we're all gonna lose our jobs.
Not necessarily.
Bankruptcy could mean a lot of things.
Maybe they're just restructuring to get out of debt.
Oh,that sounds awful.
Or it could mean the end of dunder mifflin.
Oh,god! Well,that's an interesting theory.
You know what? You can all have jobs at schrute farms As human scarecrows.
It doesn't pay much and you can't unionize.
I'm sorry,michael.
David's in a meeting.
Ah,well,maybe you should spy on him.
Oh,my god! Wouldn't that be hilarious? um,i'll just have him call you back.
I'll catch you on the flippity-flip.
Bye! He's busy.
Call me back when he's free.
michael,are you okay? Did you throw up in there? No,just poopin'.
You know how i be.
But it smells like throw-up in here.
Crazy world,lotta smells.
You guys,what if this is our last day at work? What if we never see each other ever again? I like erin.
There,i said it.
I was kinda hoping she would ask me out, but things have not panned out on that front,so It is time for the nard-dog to take matters into his own paws.
We have to do something, because people are losin' it out there, wondering what's gonna happen.
Okay,we need some sort of distraction for everybody.
Is there anything new in youtube? - Michael-- - doesn't even need to be good.
Oh,god! I can't think.
I need more mullins.
listen,wallace said these were just rumors,right? So we have no reason to think that the company's anything but fine.
So if we just go on with our work, you and me,they'll follow along.
- Monkey see,monkey do.
- That's it.
Monkey pee all over you.
That Rhymes.
So what have we on the docket today? We have a A monthly staff meeting.
All right! Let's conference room it up! Here's the deal,guys.
There is no new information as of yet, so i suggest we all just keep working.
Sure,i'm a little nervous,but doing our work will make us feel better.
I only slack off when things are good.
Customers have to use the coupon code from the website.
and as of now,there is no differentiation between the letter "o" and the zero, but we are working on that.
Stay tuned for that.
He needs me.
Seat-save infinity.
- Okay,great.
- Oh,god! What? Oh,my god.
- What? - What is it? Is there news? There has been a murder! - What? - A mur-- -what? There's been a murder In savannah.
Games have the power to distract people from stressful situations.
"battleship" got me through my parents' divorce.
"operation" got me through my vasectomy,i.
My operation.
I don't think i would have been able to endure my break-up with holly had it not been for "toss across.
"belles,bourbon,and bullets, a murder mystery dinner party game.
it is so much fun.
Everybody plays a character,we go around the room, we try to figure out who did it.
Hey,i'm wondering if this is a,um,terrible idea.
This is my call,jim.
Big picture stuff.
It's about murder.
I thought we agreed that we wouldn't do things like this.
Tube city.
You owe me one.
Co-managing is a give and take.
You have to pick your battles.
One of the battles that i picked was to stop michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them.
He was gonna call it tube city.
So,yes,i do owe him one.
august 5,1955.
it's a sad day down here in savannah.
Local magnate bill bourbon was killed last night, and all y'all have congregated tonight for a meal to celebrate bill as he passes on to his great reward.
But you're not just here to pay your respects.
You have to figure out which of y'all is the no-account scoundrel who killed him.
This is ridiculous.
There will be food.
You leave,you do not get food.
- What kind of food? - Sandwich platters.
- I'm in.
- Baby carrots.
Okay,here are your character cards.
Take one,pass it down.
Here is your prop box.
Some of your characters will have props.
Now,on your character card, it tells you who you are and what your alibi is.
Everything else is up to your imagination.
So if you talk slowly in real life,your character could, say,have been kicked in the head by a horse.
I'll try it.
Use your imaginations.
Who did you get? "naughty nellie nutmeg, a vivacious young socialite with a penchant for scandal.
- ooh! Saucy.
- How about you? "nathaniel nutmeg,the local bartender and Nellie's brother.
michael,i don't like this game.
It's scary.
It's not scary.
I don't like my character.
Who are you? "voodoo mama juju,the witch doctor of the savannah swamps.
" i'm not comfortable with this.
Well,how do you think i feel? I mean,i have to play caleb crawdad,handsome playboy.
Every night,a different woman, being oogled,having to hug and kiss and spoon.
Oh! I make them feel beautiful.
Well,well,well! What is this contraption,i do declare? It's my blackberry,michael.
I'm trying to get updates on the company.
Who's michael? I'm caleb crawdad,i do declare.
You don't have to keep saying,"i do declare.
" anytime you say something it means you're declaring.
That is the way southern people talk.
And what designing woman are you basing that on? Delta burke,i do declare.
Now,shall we get to the mystery? I'll go.
"my name is deborah utante,deb for short.
that's clever.
"bill bourbon was my uncle.
"i would have never hurt him any more than i'd hurt a june bug.
nice accent.
You sound like forrest gump.
- I do not.
- Well,you do,actually.
You got this kind of like florida panhandle thing goin', whereas what you really want is more of a savannah accent, which is more like molasses,just sort of spillin' out of your mouth.
Oh,now do the swedish chef.
Uh,i'm not familiar.
What province is he from? He lives on sesame street,dumbass.
You know,i think i'm supposed to say something to pam-- i mean,deb.
Um "i overheard you askin' the butler where the pistol was kept.
wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm the butler.
You were listening in on that? Oh,you rich people.
You think you can do whatever you want to the servant class! No,no,no.
Don't turn this into a political thing.
I will poison your food.
I reckon i got somethin' to say to miss beatrix bourbon if'n she don't mind.
Ooh,doggy! We got a party now! I do believe that the game is a big hit.
People are really divin' into their characters.
Y'all i made a mistake.
Sorry i'm late,boss.
What's goin' on? Sir,there has been a murder,and you are a suspect.
Hang on just a second.
Let me settle in,and i'll be right back.
Very good! Very good! Now,no one was there in the wine cellar.
- hey,there,young lady.
- Hello.
I would be remiss if i did not ask the pretty young lady out on a date for this weekend.
Sounds like a plan,sugar.
All right! A plan it is.
voodoo mama juju,explain your dalliance with the dark arts.
It's not my fault.
I was exposed to harry potter.
I know you did it! I know she didn't do it.
It's never the person you most suspect.
It's also never the person you least suspect, since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most.
Therefore,i know the killer to be phyllis, a.
Beatrix bourbon, the person i most medium suspect.
Do you want to go out on a date with me? We can make out by the horses.
Well,you know old nellie is always up for a romp in the hay.
How 'bout a threesome? Yeah.
My boudoir's always open.
I'm a little worried i might have asked out naughty nellie and not erin.
Which would be a whole lot less appealing, because naughty nellie says yes to everyone, and she might be a murderer.
Follow before i just got an email from corporate, specifically for accounting to stop all payments to our vendors.
What does that mean? Well,maybe nothing,but it could be a prob-- What's this strange yankee accent comin' out of your mouth,son? This here is savannah.
Phyllis,uh Uh This Uh,plan--planta-- this plantation, we're runnin' low on,uh,greenbacks, and we're havin' problems payin' the people who give us the seeds and the dirt.
We can't pay 'em.
Michael,i can't-- basically, it could mean a lot of things, but it is unprecedented, so it's cause for concern.
Okay,i'm going back to work.
No,no,i'm gonna skip forward to a really big clue.
Here we go.
Narrator on cd: well,by now,you figured out that old beatrix bourbon was the killer.
What? Michael,i was doing so well.
Are you goin' to believe that? That is a mis-- that's a misdirection.
We still don't know who the murderer is.
Nellie nutmeg,come back in heyah! I can't do this mahself.
Voodoo mama juju! What am i gonna do? Okay,so corporate is still in their meeting.
That could be a good sign.
Hey,everyone,kevin's gonna give us his take on the situation.
Let's listen up.
All right,guys,it's a workday, and you guys work here,so let's go do some work.
Now,jim telling us all to work, i think that is a very good sign.
Don't just say things.
Listen,i wrote up those sales targets-- - i do believe you have me mistaken.
My name is caleb crawdad.
Y'all skedaddled way too soon.
We need to re-open this case.
No,you're not re-opening the case.
The case is closed.
No,it ain't.
Frankly,i'm not surprised.
A lot of the evidence seemed to be based on puns.
i was just thinking about weekend at bernie's.
So funny.
The guy's dead the whole time.
I haven't seen it.
Speaking of weekends,you excited about our date this weekend? Of course,nathaniel.
Where are you takin' me? Well The finest steakhouse in all savannah.
Savannah? That's a far way from scranton.
Did you mean a real date? No.
- Did you? - Totally not.
I thought it was for real So i was excited,but it was just-- it was part of the game.
You're sure it was water? It couldn't have been acid? I already declared you it was too dark to tell! Stop playing games with me,crawdad! This is not a game! This is my life! - You are out of order,sir! - Answer me! - You are out of order! - You are out of order! - You are out-- - i think michael may have snapped.
Or maybe he's just stuck in character.
Well,which is worse? Snapped or stuck? Both.
They're both worse.
It's gonna be all right.
We're a good company.
We'll figure this out.
We're not going under.
Jim,what if we both lose our jobs? I'm trying to think of a way that this all ends up fine,and i can't think of one.
Deb,what in the world? Do you have the vapors? Michael! Not now.
Can't wait.
We have to get you to our witch doctor right now.
Come on.
come on! I should just go.
Where to now,caleb? To mama juju boo-boo.
Michael,can i-- okay,i'm just gonna skip right past the what and go with why? Because this is the re-creation of a crime scene.
I'm the dead body,and these are my brain chunks.
Hey,shut up.
You're dead.
Michael,can i talk to you in your office? - No michael here.
- Caleb! - Today,of all days-- - no! You shut up! They need this game,jim.
Let us have this stupid little game,all right? You startled me! My stars,my heart nearly leapt out of my chest.
What can i do you for? Wallace is on the phone.
He's returning your call.
- Detective wallace? - I don't think so.
I think it's david wallace from dunder mifflin.
Tell him i'm not heyah.
You're not gonna answer the phone? No,i only answer to detective wallace, 'cause i got a warm body in the other room.
I'll take it.
- Hey,david.
- Hey.
Sorry to be gettin' back to you guys so late.
Things are still a bit unclear.
We didn't officially decide anything yet.
But if i can be candid with you here,jim It's not good.
We fully expect to be out of money by the end of the year-- insolvent.
So Well,you know what? I'm sorry.
I have to run.
- But we will talk soon,okay? - Sure.
Oh,you know,while i have you, - today i was working on this pitch for a supermarket chain - great.
And it would actually be a big account.
Okay,look,you know what? I can't really get my head around anything like that right now,but that's great.
Keep after it,but i gotta run.
- Okay.
- Thanks,jim.
- See ya.
What's the news? Nothing yet.
Well,i guess that's not well,there is some bad news.
There has been another murder.
A murder,you say? I do declare.
Conference room,everyone.
Do we have to play? - No.
- Super.
Oh,this could be a juicy one.
Get in there! Get in there! I think today was a good day to have two managers, because if you're a family stuck on a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, one parent might want to just keep rowing.
But if the other parent wants to play a game, it's not because they're crazy.
It's because they're doing it for the kids.
And i get that now.
There has been a lot of murder and a lot of intrigue.
My little heart can barely take it no more.
Today is the hardest i have worked in a long,long time.
- I didn't do it! - Okay.
- ever'body just calm down.
- I am calm.
Count of three,we're all gonna put down our guns.
I have crossbows.
- We'll put down our weaponry on the count of three.
- Okay.
- You ready? - I'm ready.
One Two two.
andy revealed himself to be a double agent, at which point,dwight felt comfortable revealing that he also was a double agent, and then,michael announced to everybody that, get this,he was a double agent.
Oh,and it is 6:00.
really? It wasn't me! I'm not goin' down for this! Hey,i want to go home.
Get the keys out of my purse,start the car.
Proudly Presents the office 609