The Starter Wife (2008) s02e03 Episode Script

Remains of the Snow Day

I'M OFF MEN, RIGHT NOW IN MY LIFE.
ARE YOU COMPLETELY IN THE CLOSET? I'M 100% STRAIGHT.
YOU SOLD THE HOUSE? I NEED THE MONEY.
RE-SHOOTS.
GET IN THE CAR, YOU'RE GOING TO DESTINY'S.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A GOOD SHAG.
MARRIED.
YOU'RE FREE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.
WHAT DOES THE WEB SITE SAY? FIRST RULE IN THE "WIFE OF" HANDBOOK CHECK YOUR JEALOUSY AT THE DOOR.
SOMEONE MUS HAVE STOLEN MY JOURNAL AND IS SELLING OFF LITTLE TIDBITS.
HE'S FIGURED OUT THA IT'S THE HOLLYWOOD EX-WIFE.
HE PRETTY WELL DESCRIBED YOU TO A TEE.
I'M THE HOLLYWOOD EX-WIFE.
WHEN PEOPLE FIND OUT, THEY ARE GOING TO BE PISSED.
I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO LIZ'S MOM AND EVE'S MOM AND MY MOM.
I'M SO SORRY TO EVERYONE.
IT WAS ALL MY FAULT.
I WAS THE ONE WHO BROUGHT MY STUPID JOURNAL TO THAT STUPID PARTY AND LEFT MY STUPID BIRKEN BAG LYING WHERE ANYONE COULD RIFLE THROUGH IT.
I'M SO SORRY FOR WHAT HAPPENED.
WHAT WAS THAT? WHERE IS EVERYONE? I POISONED THE WELL, POOPED WHERE I EA AND EVERY OTHER METAPHOR THAT MEANS THE PEOPLE I SEE EVERY DAY HATE MY GUTS.
I'M A PARIAH AND I DON'T KNOW WHA TO DO.
AND I'M NOT SURE I EVER WILL.
IT'S BEEN SAID THAT HOLLYWOOD IS JUST HIGH SCHOOL WITH MONEY.
AND THAT KIND OF NAILS IT.
POPULARITY IS STILL THE HIGHEST CALLING TO WHICH ONE CAN ASPIRE.
BUT NOW THE POPULAR KIDS ARE THE ONES THAT HAVE THREE PICTURE DEALS INSTEAD OF FOOTBALL TROPHIES.
AND THE GEEKS ARE THE ONES WITH THE MOVIE THAT TANKED AT THE BOX OFFICE OVER THE WEEKEND.
OH! USELESS! BUT ONE THING IS EXACTLY LIKE HIGH SCHOOL.
NOBODY LIKES A TATTLE-TALE.
EXCUSE ME.
OH! I OVERHEARD YOU CONFESSING LAST NIGH TO LIZ IN THE BATHROOM.
EVEN MY HUSBAND DIDN'T KNOW THAT I HAD PUT STELLA AND STANLEY'S ASHES IN MY BREASTS.
I AM SO SORRY.
IS IT SO CRAZY TO LOVE YOUR DOGS? NO.
TO MOURN THEM WHEN THEY DIE? NO.
TO WANT TO KEEP THEM AS CLOSE TO YOUR HEAR AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN FOREVER AND EVER? UH IS THAT SO CRAZY, MOLLY? UH HAVE YOU EVER LOST A PET? WELL, OBVIOUSLY NOT.
YOU BROKE THE CONFIDENTIALITY CODE OF STARTING GATE.
THERE'S NO CONFIDENTI-- IT'S IMPLIED.
NOW I'VE CONVENED WITH ALL THE COMMITTEE HEADS AND WE HAVE VOTED YOU OUT.
STRIPPED OF ALL COMMITTEE MEMBERSHIP OF THE STARTER GATE PAREN ASSOCIATION.
BUT I'M THE HEAD OF TWO COMMITTEES: SNOW DAY AND CAR POOL.
NO LONGER! CARRIE BERGEN IS NOW IN CHARGE OF SNOW DAY AND LEANA UNGER IS THE NEW CAR POOL HEAD.
YOUR VEST.
FINALLY A MAKEUP SO SMAR IT KNOWS YOUR PERFECT SHADE.
SMART SHADE MAKEUP FROM ALMAY.
BREAKTHROUGH SHADE SENSING TECHNOLOGY STARTS OUT WHITE AND ADJUSTS TO RIGHT.
MATCHING YOUR SKIN TONE.
AND TRY NEW SMART SHADE CONCEALER FROM ALMAY.
MANKIND CAN WAIT.
THIS SUPERHERO IS BUILDING HIS OWN CAPITAL ONE CREDIT CARD.
I WANT AIRLINE MILES, A LOW INTEREST RATE, AND A HEROIC PICTURE OF MY FAMILY.
SURPRISE! Mmmm GUACAMOLE.
PERSONALIZE YOUR CARD AT CAPITAL ONE CARD LAB.
CHOOSE YOUR REWARDS, INTEREST RATE, EVEN UPLOAD YOUR OWN IMAGE AT CAPITALONE.
COM.
HONEY? WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET? rton's "More Where That Came From" I WANNA BE YOUR SATISFACTION BE YOUR NUMBER ONE AND JUST WHEN YOU THINK I CAN'T LOVE YOU ANY BETTER WELL, I HAVE JUST BEGUN 'CAUSE THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM GET MORE FOR LESS.
IT'S TARGET.
HEY.
WHAT'S WITH THE POUTY FACE? ARE YOU UPSET OR ARE YOU GOING FOR A LOOK? I DON'T KNOW WHA TO DO WITH MY FACE.
OKAY, BEING DESPISED IS A NEW EXPERIENCE.
WERE YOU AT THE MEETING? YEAH, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING THERE ARE SOME BITTER HOES IN THE P.
T.
A.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO SHOW UP FOR SNOW DAY.
THE WHOLE THING WAS MY IDEA.
THERE'S NEVER BEEN FAKE SNOW AT STARTING GATE.
I'LL TAKE PICTURES FOR YOU AND THEN MEANWHILE, YOU HAVE SOME FENCES TO MEND.
YOU KNOW HOW SORRY I AM.
AWW NOT ME, MA.
WE'RE FINE.
THANK YOU.
WHAT KIND OF CUPCAKE BASKE SAYS, "SORRY I TOLD THE WORLD "YOU DO THREESOMES WITH FAT PEOPLE"? ONE WITH A PRIUS IN IT.
HEY! HOW BOUT ONE WITH A TEDDY BEAR? LOOK EVERYONE KNOWS DIZZY LAND WORKS OUT OF THAT COFFEE BEAN IN WEST HOLLYWOOD.
LET'S ALL GO KICK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM.
TOMORROW, 3:30 ON, I'M GOOD.
I'LL BRING THE CROWBAR.
WHY MAKE A BIG, UGLY SCENE WHEN YOU CAN FIX I WITH CUPCAKES? OH, OH.
HOW'S THE CRUSH GOING? OH BORING! DO WE REALLY HAVE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT RODNEY'S IMPOSSIBLE DREAM? YOU GUYS EVER HEAR OF THE DL? THE DALAI LAMA.
THE DAILY LANTERN? THE DREADED LEOPARD.
THIS ISN'T A GAME SHOW.
IT STANDS FOR THE DOWN LOW.
IT'S A THING WITH SOME BLACK GUYS.
THEY CONSIDER THEMSELVES STRAIGHT, BUT THEY HAVE SEX WITH MEN.
SOUNDS GAY TO ME.
NO.
OH, YEAH.
SHUT UP! YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S NOT THAT INTERESTING.
I'M LATE FOR WORK, TALK FAST.
RODNEY, WHEN? HOW? WHO STARTED IT? WHY WOULD HE THINK HE WAS STRAIGHT? YOU CANNOT BREATHE A WORD ABOUT THIS.
OH, OF COURSE NOT.
NO.
LOOK WHO I'M CONFIDING IN.
ME AND MY MATES WERE ALWAYS INTO A BI OF SKULLDUGGERY.
NOTHING SERIOUS.
A BIT OF THIEVERY NOW AND AGAIN.
MUM MUM USED TO BOX ME EARS WITH A HUG AND A WINK, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
BUT UH WHEN DAD CAME HOME FROM THE R.
A.
F.
WELL, ALL BETS WERE OFF THEN.
HE NEEDED SOMEWHERE TO PUT ALL HIS ANGER AND RAGE.
AND I GUESS I WAS THE LOGICAL CHOICE.
IT'S OKAY.
I WEREN'T MUCH GOOD FOR MY OLD MAN BUT I WAS GOOD FOR THAT.
OH, PLEASE.
YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT? YOU'RE NOT REALLY TRYING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS.
THAT WHOLE SPEECH WAS FROM HIS MOVIE, THE LADDY FROM NOTTINGHAM.
EXCELLENT! YOU'RE WASTING OUR TIME, DAVID.
JOAN, PLEASE ESCORT MR.
SHAY BACK TO HIS ROOM.
I KNEW IT; YOU'RE A FAN.
I AM A FAN.
JULIE, THIS IS SO SUDDEN.
WITH PETER O'TOOLE, HE PLAYED YOUR DAD UNLESS YOU WERE TOO DRUNK TO NOTICE.
OH.
MM-HMM.
IT'S YOU, KENNY.
WHERE'S JAYDEN'S ROOM? RIGH OVER THERE.
OH.
THIS IS LOVELY.
IS JAYDEN GOING TO SLEEP IN A BOX? RELAX, SHE'S NOT HERE 'TIL FRIDAY.
JUST MAKE SURE THAT MR.
OCTOPUS IS ON THE BED WHEN SHE COMES, OKAY? MM-MMM.
YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS, RIGHT? PRETTY SURE IT'S NO IN STORAGE.
IT'S NOT AN "IT", IT'S A "HE"! OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, KENNY.
THIS IS A TOUGH TRANSITION FOR HER.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO IF YOU CAN'T FIND MR.
OCTOPUS BY FRIDAY? WE'LL BRING DADDY TEDDY FROM YOUR HOUSE.
NO, DADDY TEDDY CAN'T LEAVE MY HOUSE! WHY NOT? IS HE AGORAPHOBIC? WHAT ARE YOU GETTING SO CRAZY ABOUT? I NEED TO KNOW THAT WHEN JADEN COMES HERE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO PUT OUR DAUGHTER FIRST.
YOU GET DISTRACTED, KENNY, BY SHINY OBJECTS.
BUT MOSTLY BY YOURSELF.
MOLLY, COME ON.
HAVE I EVER LET YOU DOWN? FIND THE FRIGGIN' OCTOPUS.
HEY, I CAN SAY THAT IT'S FROM BOTH OF US, RIGHT? OH! TRYING TO HIDE, MOLLY? I'D LIKE TO HIDE TOO, SINCE YOU TOLD EVERYONE I WAS A CHUBBY-CHASER! BUT YOU'VE MADE THAT IMPOSSIBLE.
WELL, MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T SCREAM.
DID YOU GET MY CUPCAKES? WHAT KIND OF A LOW-LIFE EXPOSES HER SO-CALLED FRIENDS FOR HER OWN SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT?! HI, HONEY! HOW WAS SCHOOL? LOOK, I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE UPSET.
I'M GOING TO GO HOME, I'LL CALL YOU, AND WE'LL DISCUSS IT.
WHAT KIND OF A DEGENERATE ARE YOU?! CAN WE STAY CALM? YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF NERVE SHOWING UP HERE! I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
WHY WAS THAT LADY SHOUTING? IT WAS JUS A MISUNDERSTANDING, HONEY.
IT'S OKAY.
BUT SHE WAS SO MAD AT US.
SHE WASN'T MAD AT YOU.
SHE WAS MAD AT ME.
BUT MOMMY'S GOING TO FIX IT.
HELLO.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I'VE BEEN BETTER.
I'M GOING TO SHUT DOWN THAT WEB SITE.
WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH DIZZY LAND, HE'S NOT GOING TO KNOW WHAT HIT HIM.
HOW LATE IS HE AT THAT COFFEE BEAN? I'VE JUST GO TO FIGURE OU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH JAYDEN.
GO HOME, BE WITH YOUR KID.
GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO CALM DOWN.
TOMORROW MORNING WE'LL GO WHEN THE GIRLS ARE AT SCHOOL.
RIGHT AFTER DROP-OFF.
FIRST THING.
OKAY.
THANK YOU.
AGAIN.
DAMN.
WHERE'D IT GO? YOU'RE USING A KNIFE? I'LL SEE TO I THAT YOU'RE NOT SPLITTING ANY MORE PILLS AT DESTINY'S.
OUCH.
PILL CUTTER.
GLOVES.
JOAN, ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? DAVID SHAY SAYS YOU ARE VITAL TO HIS RECOVERY BECAUSE OF YOUR REFRESHING HONESTY.
I WANT YOU TO FOCUS ALL OF YOUR ATTENTION ON HIM.
WE'LL DIVVY UP YOUR OTHER CLIENTS.
NO WAY, I'M VERY ATTACHED TO, UM, WHAT'S-HIS-NAME AND THE OTHER ONE.
CAN I PERSUADE YOU TO WORK THROUGH THE WEEKEND? WILL YOU GIVE GARY ALL THE MENIAL MINDLESS TASKS FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS? DONE.
HEY, IF ANYONE SHOULD BE DOING MENIAL MINDLESS WORK IT'S YOU.
WHY? BECAUSE YOU ARE MENIAL AND MINDLESS! OKAY.
SO YOU'LL DO IT? I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
THINK YES.
I'LL UH-- I'LL OWE YOU ONE.
WOW.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE THESE ARE ASHLEE SIMPSON'S BLOOD RESULTS? WHAT KIND OF LOW-LIFE EXPOSES INNOCENT PEOPLE FOR THEIR OWN SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT? PACE YOURSELF.
MOLLY KAGAN! THE HOLLYWOOD EX-WIFE IN THE FLESH.
I'M DYING.
THOSE THINGS I WROTE WERE PRIVATE.
OH, HONEY, THERE IS NO PRIVATE ANYMORE.
HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED? YOU LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN TO ME! I AM GOING TO GE AN INJUNCTION AGAINST YOU.
AND THEN I'M GOING TO BRING DOWN THE WRATH OF GOD ON YOU.
I LOVE IT! THE HOLLYWOOD EX-WIFE THREATENS ME WITH "THE WRATH OF GOD".
IT WRITES ITSELF.
DON'T TYPE THAT.
WHY ARE YOU TYPING THAT? "WITH ME RIGHT NOW IS NONE OTHER THAN THE EX-- " STOP THAT STOP THAT! MOLLY, MOLLY, MOLL-- GIVE IT TO ME, GIVE IT-- AH! OH NO! OH NO.
GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY.
D"mZm?o?mZm?oZmZm?oZm?o?oZmZmZm?o?oZm?oZm?o?oZm?oZmZmZ MORNING KIDS! OH! PANCAKES.
I KNEW YOU'D BE HAPPY.
BISQUICK SHAKE 'N POUR.
JUST ADD WATER, SHAKE, AND POUR.
BISQUICK SHAKE 'N POUR.
SHAKE, POUR, MAKE.
MAKING YOUR HOME LOOK LIKE A PICTURE IN A MAGAZINE WITH WALMART'S PRICES ON THE NEW BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS COLLECTION, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
SEE THE ENTIRE LINE OF BETTER HOMES AND GARDENS FURNISHINGS, ONLY AT WALMART.
SAVE MONEY.
LIVE BETTER.
WALMART.
SOMETHING SOFT AND SMOOTH.
OR SOMETHING NATURAL FOR A HEALTHY LOOK.
ChapStick.
BECAUSE HEALTHY LIPS SHOULD NEVER GO NAKED.
I WENT TO CALCUTTA FOR THREE MONTHS, CAME BACK WITH MALARIA.
MY WIFE NEVER GAVE ME A STRAW.
SHE ALSO NEVER GAVE YOU MALARIA.
I SEE.
STRAW OF GUILT.
KEEP YOUR HEAD STILL.
OKAY, I WANT TO ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS.
YES, I NOTICED YOU AT SCHOOL BEFORE YOU CAME TO WRITING CLASS.
NO, THAT'S NOT WHAT I-- REALLY? I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT YOUR COGNITIVE ABILITY IS OKAY.
SHOOT.
WHO WAS OUR FIRST PRESIDENT? GEORGE WASHINGTON.
WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF FRANCE? "F".
WHO'S THE SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR? UM I THINK YOU HAVE A CONCUSSION.
ARE MY PUPILS DILATED? LET'S SEE.
YOU'RE FINE.
UM JUST MAKE SURE YOU PUT THE ICE ON THERE FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.
OW.
NOT BAD FOR A GUY WITH A PULLED GROIN MUSCLE.
DON'T BE TELLING ANYONE WHERE THAT HAPPENED.
DON'T NEED THA ON THE INTERNET, "DEVON MARSH SIDELINED BY HIS HOT, SEXY WIFE".
"WHO CANNO GET ENOUGH".
WHAT'S THAT SMELL? THAT'S J-LO.
I DON'T KNOW J-LO.
THE PERFUME, DEVON.
WHO YOU BEEN KISSING? YOU MUST WEAR J-LO.
DON'T START WITH ME, BABY.
I MIGHT'VE GO SOME SAMPLES.
I GOTTA GO.
I BET YOU DEBBIE FROM DODGERTOWN GOT SOME SAMPLES TOO! BYE.
YOU'RE THE FEATURED VIDEO.
I LOVE THE TITLE, "MOHAMMAD MOLL-EE".
THAT'S YOUR TEACHER? I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL.
I REALLY HATE TODAY.
I HATE THAT I CAN'T TURN ON AN ELECTRICAL DEVICE WITHOUT SEEING MYSELF DOING SOMETHING STUPID.
I HATE THAT-THAT- LIZ HAS TO PICK UP JAYDEN, BECAUSE MY DAUGHTER DOESN'T WAN TO BE SEEN WITH ME.
AND I DON'T THINK TOMORROW'S GOING TO BE MUCH BETTER, EITHER.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
COME TO DESTINY'S WITH ME ON THE WEEKEND.
ANTHEA OWES ME, THEY'VE GOT A SPARE ROOM, NO CELL PHONE, NO TV, NO INTERNET NO CLOGGED TOILET.
I DON'T HAVE A CLOGGED TOIL-- OH.
NO, I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY.
ALTHOUGH NOW I KIND OF WANT TO.
STAYING PUT, I CAN HANDLE THIS.
AND SINCE WHEN DO YOU WORK WEEKENDS? OH.
DOESN'T PAPPY MIND? THE ONLY THING PAPPY MINDS IS THE THOUGH OF HAVING SEX WITH ME.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? HE'S GIVEN ME UP FOR LENT OR FOREVER-- WHICHEVER LASTS LONGER.
CAN HE NOT, YOU KNOW STAND ME? OH NO, NO, NO.
NO, IT'S NOT PHYSICAL.
HE'D JUST RATHER WATCH CHARLIE ROSE THAN SLEEP WITH ME.
WHICH MAY HAVE BEEN GOING ON FOR YEARS.
BUT I WAS TOO DRUNK TO NOTICE.
WELL, AND-- SO THAT'S THAT? NO MORE SEX? NO, NO, NO, THIS IS THE BEST PART, HE SAID I CAN HAVE AN AFFAIR AS LONG AS I DON' FALL IN LOVE.
GOOD DEAL, RIGHT? IT'S CRUEL.
NO, IT'S BRILLIANT.
HE'S THOUGHT LONG AND HARD ABOUT THIS, HOW TO KEEP ME WITHOUT HAVING ME.
IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD HAVE SEX WITH THE FIRST THING THAT WALKED THROUGH THAT DOOR.
OH WHAT ABOU THE SECOND THING? OH MAYBE I SHOULD'VE LEFT BUSTER IN THE CAR.
THE KIDS ARE OUT BACK.
THANKS FOR PICKING HER UP.
COME ON IN, YOU KNOW EVERYBODY.
IS THIS YOUR CLUBHOUSE? IS THERE A SECRET HANDSHAKE? YEAH.
AND NO BOYS ALLOWED.
GOOD.
DEVON HAS BEEN ACTING A LITTLE CRAZY EVER SINCE HE'S BEEN ON THE DL.
DEVON IS ON THE DL? YEAH.
HE'S GOT A STRAINED GROIN.
IT HAPPENS.
THAT'S WHAT I TELL HIM, JUST GIVE IT A REST, BABY.
BUT HE JUST-- HE WANTS TO GE OUT THERE EVERY NIGHT.
AND YOU'RE- YOU'RE OKAY WITH THIS? EVERY PLAYER SPENDS TIME ON THE DISABLED LIST.
DISABLED LIST? YEAH, IT'S WHERE THEY PUT THE INJURED BALL PLAYERS.
WHAT DID YOU THINK BEING ON THE DL? OH, OH! YOU GUYS REALLY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BASEBALL.
OH, YOUR FLOWERS HAVE JUST CLOSED UP.
KENNY'S HERE.
I WISH IT WASN' KENNY'S WEEKEND.
JAYDEN! GET YOUR STUFF TOGETHER.
DADDY'S HERE! YOU WAN TO SEE SOMETHING? I'M GOING TO BRING DOWN THE WRATH OF GOD ON YOU! OH.
WAIT ONE SECOND, THIS IS MY FAVORITE BIT RIGHT HERE.
OH BANG, THAT HURT.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE ALL OVER THE WEB, RIGHT? WHOA, WHOA, WHAT'S THAT? AH.
MR.
CATERPILLAR.
BUT MR.
OCTOPUS IS AT YOUR APARTMENT, RIGHT? MR.
CATERPILLAR IS BETTER THAN MR.
OCTOPUS, MORE LEGS.
JAYDEN WILL BE FINE WITH IT.
DID YOU SET UP HER ROOM? YES, MOLLY.
DOES IT HAVE A BED IN IT? OH I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING.
I'M KIDDING.
OH, DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY? IT HAPPENS TO BE VERY IMPORTAN THAT JAYDEN FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOUR APARTMENT.
THAT SHE FEELS SAFE.
AND AT HOME, JUST LIKE SHE DOES-- BITCH! YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT JAYDEN AT MY HOUSE? AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE DRIVE-BY CUPCAKINGS.
OH DON'T TRY AND TURN THIS AROUND ON ME.
WHY ARE YOU YELLING? UM SOMETIMES YOUR FATHER'S TONE SOUNDS LIKE YELLING, HONEY.
IT'SYOURTONE.
UM WE WERE JUST UH UM, WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT MR.
OCTOPUS.
WHICH DADDY CAN'T FIND RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE OF THE MOVE.
SO IF YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE NO GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP AT DADDY'S NEW HOUSE WITHOUT HIM, IT'S-- IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
WE UNDERSTAND.
YOU'RE NOT FUN ANYMORE.
I WANT TO GO TO DADDY'S.
OKAY, OKAY.
HOP IN.
SEATBELT.
WE'LL SEE YOU SUNDAY NIGHT.
MOLLY KAGAN, MOTHER OF THE YEAR.
THE OFFER'S STILL OPEN.
TAKE ME TO REHAB.
SO I GOT A PAIN RELIEVER FOR MY SORE SHOULDER.
FOR BAND PRACTICE NEED ANOTHER ONE FOR HEADACHES.
DIFFERENT PAINS, DIFFERENT PAIN RELIEVERS.
BUT NOW ADVIL IS MY EVERY PAIN RELIEVER.
WORKS WHEREVER I HURT.
I'M ALL ADVIL.
THE NEW COFFEE-MATE WORLD CAFE COLLECTION.
ITALIAN SWEET CREME, TIRAMISU, HAZELNUT BISCOTTI.
THREE DELICIOUS FLAVORS THAT'LL MAKE ANY MOMEN MAGNIFICO,SO STIR IT UP WITH NEW FLAVORS FROM COFFEE'S PERFECT MATE.
IN MALIBU THERE ARE MORE HOMES FOR REHAB THAN THERE ARE HOTEL ROOMS.
AND THEY HAVE BETTER FOOD, INCREDIBLE VIEWS AND SPA TREATMENTS TO DIE FOR.
JUST DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH FROM THE MINI BAR.
MAYBE YOU AND PAPPY SHOULD GO TO COUNSELING.
WHY? SO I CAN HEAR MORE ABOUT HIS FEELINGS? I'M SICK OF HIS FEELINGS.
DON'T DO ANYTHING YOU'LL REGRET.
JUST SOMETHING HE'LL REGRET.
WELL TAKE A LOOK AROUND.
I'VE GOT TO GO AND SEARCH DAVID SHAY'S ROOM I HAVEN'T FOUND ANY CONTRABAND YET, BUT UM, HE'S GO THE BEST DAMN DARK CHOCOLATE.
YOU GOT A LIGHT? OH NO, SORRY.
I DON'T SMOKE.
SO UH, IT CAN' BE COKE OR DIET PILLS.
YOU DON'T LOOK PUFFY ENOUGH FOR AN ALCHY.
I'M GUESSING VALIUM? PAINKILLERS? NO, I DON'T REALLY HAVE THAT KIND OF PROBLEM.
THAT'S NOT GOING TO GO DOWN WELL AT THE MEETINGS.
NO, REALLY.
I'M JUST HERE AVOIDING MY LIFE.
VALIUM'S A LOT CHEAPER.
I'LL REMBER THA FOR NEXT TIME.
THIS IS THE ONE PLACE YOU CAN'T SMOKE.
WHICH I SUPPOSE EXPLAINS THE SMOKING.
OH WOW.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO THA EVER SINCE I SAW GREASE TWO.
YEAH, THAT'S ALMOS WORTH SMOKING FOR.
HELLO, JULIE! WOO! COME HAVE A SPLASH.
SORRY, HAVE TO CHANGE THE BATTERIES ON YOUR TOOTHBRUSH.
WHAT DOES IT TAKE? DOUBLE As? YOU'RE TOO CLEVER BY HALF, JULIE.
WHOO! YEE-HAW.
IT'S THE LAST TIME.
I MEAN IT.
COME ON, JAYDEN.
I WANNA TALK TO YOU ABOUT A LITTLE SOMETHING I GOT GOING, CALLED "BLOOD CANAL".
IT'S GOING TO BE HUGE.
I HEAR IT'S UNRELEASEABLE.
NO, IT UH-- WE'RE RESHOOTING A FEW KEY SCENES, WE'RE ADDING AN EVIL AMERICAN PRESIDEN FOR FOREIGN.
OH, GREAT.
BUT THOSE-THOSE SCENES COULD USE THE ZACH MCNEILL TOUCH, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HUH? WELL, I'M REALLY INTO MY NOVEL RIGHT NOW.
O- OH.
NO OFFENSE, ZACH, BUT A NOVEL IS PRETTY MUCH A SPECK ON A FLY ON A PIECE OF CRAP UP AN ELEPHANTS ASS.
NONE TAKEN.
DADDY, DADDY.
THAT BOY CALLED ME PIG EARS.
AND HE TOLD ME I GREW UP ON A FARM.
WELL YOU TELL HIM, THAT HE'S A HYUNDAI-DRIVING LOSER, WHO'S GOING TO END UP SWELTERING IN SOME HELL-HOLE IN THE VALLEY, NORTH OF VENTURA.
NORTH OF? AH, JUST TELL HIM TO GO BLOW IT OUT OF HIS BUTT.
I CAN DO THAT.
GOOD GIRL.
I'M SUCH A BETTER FATHER SINCE THE DIVORCE.
THE ONLY FIVE-STAR CHEF WHO CAN COOK WITHOUT BOOZE.
I NEED YOU OU OF THE POOL.
GOD, I HATE THAT MAN.
CAN I COME BACK NEX VISITOR'S DAY? I'M NOT GOING TO BE HERE.
I'M NOT A REAL ADDICT, REMEMBER? YOU'VE SWORN OFF MEN, AND YET YOUR FINGERS ARE JUST TINGLING TO CALL UP ZACH AND SEE HOW HIS HEAD IS, PLACING YOU SMACK DAB INTO THE DANGER ZONE OF BROKEN RESOLVE.
AM I WRONG? I THINK SHE NEEDS AT LEAST ANOTHER WEEK HERE.
I THINK THE BEST THING FOR MY RESOLVE IS WATCHING MY FRIENDS' SCREWED UP SEX LIVES.
I'M NOT SCREWED UP ABOUT SEX; FELIX IS.
YOU'RE SCREWING SOMEONE WHO'S SCREWED UP ABOUT SEX, WHICH MAKES IT SCREWED UP ONCE REMOVED.
AND I'M GOING TO SCREW SOMEBODY BECAUSE PAPPY'S SCREWED UP ABOUT SEX.
WHICH MAKES IT SCREWED UP ONCE REMOVED FROM THE HUSBAND'S SIDE.
HA! OUT! IT IS SO DREARY.
WHY CAN'T WE JUST HAVE THERAPY IN THE POOL? IT'S EQUINE THERAPY.
JUST GET OUT.
GIVE ME A LAUGH AND I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
AT LEAST THE HORSE'S WON'T BORE YOU WITH STORIES OF HOW THEY WOKE UP IN THEIR OWN VOMIT.
EXCELLENT.
HEAD TO YOUR ROOM TO CHANGE, AND I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
17 DAYS AND COUNTING, THEN HE'LL BE GONE, GONE FROM MY LIFE FOREVER.
NEVER TO BE THOUGHT OF AGAIN, UNTIL I READ ABOUT HOW HE'S OFFENDED ANOTHER MINORITY.
NEVER TO HEAR HIS ODIOUS ACCEN OR SEE HIM SPLASHING AWAY IN THE POOL.
HE'S PERFECT.
HE'S MENTALLY REPELLAN YET PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE.
HE'LL SHAG ANYTHING.
I CERTAINLY FALL WITHINTHATRANGE.
AND WHEN IT'S OVER HE'LL GO OUT, TAKE UP DRINKING AGAIN AND HE WON'T REMBER A THING.
GOD, I HOPE I DIDN'T WEAR MY GRANNY PANTS.
WAIT, JOAN.
NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY, HE'S A DISGUSTING HOMOPHOBE AND I SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM.
BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHY HE'S PERFECT.
I'VE GO TO STOP THIS.
IT'S HER CHOICE.
IT'S A LOUSY ONE.
OH, WHAT A RELIEF.
I LOST HIM.
WELL YOU'RE A WOMAN ON A MISSION.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S A MISGUIDED ONE-- LIKE VIETNAM MISGUIDED.
I'M CALLING PAPPY'S BLUFF.
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT? YES.
NO.
I'LL DO YOU.
I WANT TO MAKE MAD, PASSIONATE, HETEROSEXUAL LOVE ON YOU.
BUT YOU'RE AS GAY AS A BALLOON.
WELL I DID IT ONCE IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND I DON'T REMEMBER ANY COMPLAINTS.
NOW GET UNDRESSED, YOUNG LADY.
BECAUSE RODNEY IS TAKING YOU TO HEAVEN.
ALL RIGHT, RODNEY.
IF ANYONE CAN TAKE THE AIR OU OF YOUR BALLOON, IT'S JOAN MCALLISTER.
SHOULD WE GE A ROOM OR-- YOU KNOW WHAT STRAIGHT WOMEN SAY ABOUT MEN LIKE YOU? NO.
IT'S SUCH A SHAME.
SO DROP THOSE BOXERS AND LET'S MAKE MAGIC.
YOU MUST REALLY HATE DAVID SHAY.
WHY SHOULD HE BE REWARDED FOR BEING A BIGOT? REWARDED, THAT'S SWEET.
DON'T WORRY.
YOU'RE SAFE.
PAPPY SAID NOT TO SLEEP WITH SOMEONE I MIGHT FALL IN LOVE WITH.
AND I'M CROSSING DAVID SHAY OFF THE LIST.
OKAY, IF-- YOU HAVEN' CHANGED MY MIND.
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST FORGET IT REALLY-- JUST-- SO I GUESS WE'RE ON THE SAME SCHEDULE WITH OUR KIDS.
IT'S USUALLY NOT MY WEEKEND WITH SKYLAR, BUT THE EX WANTED TO GO TO CABO WITH HER NEW BOYFRIEND JEFF.
AH.
BOYFRIENDS REALLY SCREW UP THE SCHEDULE, YOU KNOW? YEAH.
YOU COULD BANG OUT THESE PAGES AT STARBUCKS-- NOT DOING IT.
IT'S A BITCH WHEN THE WIFE DATES, ISN'T IT? MOLLY DATE MUCH? UH, THERE WAS THIS HOMELESS GUY ONCE.
YOU SURE-- YEAH-- HOMELESS GUY? BLOW IT OUT OF YOUR BUTT.
AND DON'T COME AROUND ANYMORE.
EVERYONE HATES YOU.
THAT'S MY GIRL.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANY KID TAKE ON DONNY SPIELBERG BEFORE.
DONNY WHO? SPIELBERG'S NEPHEW.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
JAYDEN, OUT, OUT, OUT.
WHY? UH, BE-- DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT WAS? COME ON, OUT, OUT, OUT.
YOU'RE LYING.
IT'S OKAY, WE'LL BE BACK.
ALL RIGHT.
I WAN TO RIDE THE HORSE.
I GUESS HE DIDN'T READ THE BROCHURE.
EQUINE THERAPY ISN' ABOUT RIDING; IT'S ABOUT COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR HORSE.
IT'S SOME NONSENSE ABOUT BASIC EQUESTRIAN GROUND SKILLS, WHATEVER THOSE ARE.
BRINGING TO LIGHT PATTERNS IN OUR LIVES, WHATEVER THOSE ARE.
AND THEN ALL SORTS OF DEEP, MEANINGFUL THINGS WILL HAPPEN.
WHATEVER THEY ARE.
WHAT A CROCK OF CRAP.
WELL SAID.
WOW, YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD AT THAT STUFF.
DID YOU GROW UP AROUND HORSES? OH, I'M-- I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN-- YOU WANT TO TRY IT? ME? OH, NO, NO.
I'M JUS AN OBSERVER.
CHICKEN.
SHE IS REALLY SHUT DOWN.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY LIFTING HIS HOOF.
YES, HONEY, GIVE IT A TRY.
YEAH, DON'T YOU WAN YOUR PATTERNS REVEALED? OKAY.
OKAY.
CLEAR YOUR MIND AND LIFT IT UP.
IT'S NOT MOVING.
I WONDER WHAT THAT MEANS.
OKAY.
COME ON.
OKAY, LIFT YOUR PAW FOR MA.
IT'S A HOOF.
OH, RIGHT.
HOOF.
I'M MORE OF A DOG PERSON.
I DON'T HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE WITH, UM, HORSES.
THAT'S OKAY.
IT'S NOT ABOUT THE HORSE.
OKAY, OBVIOUSLY THE HORSE IS TIRED.
HE'S BEEN LIFTING HIS LEG ALL DAY.
IS IT THE HORSE OR IS IT YOUR LIFE? I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S THE HORSE.
THE HORSE ISN'T STOPPING YOU FROM ANYTHING.
YOU'RE STOPPING YOU.
THINK ABOUT IT.
THINK ABOUT IT.
HATE YOU.
HATE YOU TOO.
OKAY, WE CAN DO THIS.
OKAY.
OKAY, BABY.
KIDS ARE RESILIENT.
DIVORCE BUILDS CHARACTER.
I NEVER REALLY APOLOGIZED.
CUPCAKES MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.
I PUT SOME IN MY BOOBS.
I'D LIKE TO SCREW ALL NIGH AND THEN VACUUM.
I AM SO GETTING YOU FIRED.
YOUR WORST SYMPTOMS SINUS PRESSURE, NASAL CONGESTION AND PAIN.
YOU CAN SUFFER THROUGH THEM OR YOU CAN POWER THROUGH THEM.
WITH ADVIL COLD & SINUS.
IT COMBINES 2 SUPER POWERS-- THE POWER OF ADVIL PLUS A STRONG DECONGESTANT IN A POWER THROUGH FORMULA YOU CAN GE AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER.
SO DON'T SUFFER THROUGH YOUR SINUS SYMPTOMS POWER THROUGH THEM.
WITH ADVIL COLD & SINUS.
ASK FOR I AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS MONEY CAN'T BUY.
FOR EVERYTHING ELSE THERE'S CREDIT OR DEBIT MASTERCARD.
FAN OF THE GAME, WHEREVER THERE'S A GAME.
IF I CAN GIVE BIRTH WITHOUT AN EPIDURAL, I CAN GE THAT FRIGGIN' HOOF UP.
HI.
HEY, THERE.
IT'S ME AGAIN.
HEY, LOOK, I KNOW-- I KNOW THAT WE HAD SOME ISSUES BEFORE.
MUCHACHA.
OH, MUCHACHO SORRY.
HOW ABOUT-- HOW ABOUT YOU LIF THAT LEG FOR ME NOW? HUH? ALMIGHTY.
UH, PINCH HIS TENDON.
THE LEG WILL COME RIGHT UP.
DO YOU HAVE HORSES AT HOME? WHICH HOME? MOM AND BILL'S OR DAD AND SHEILA'S? DIVORCE IS TOUGH.
I KNOW.
HEY IS THIS YOURS? YES.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.
GOOD.
IS THAT WHY YOU CAME OUT HERE? BECAUSE OF SOMETHING IN THE LETTER? I CAME OUT HERE BECAUSE I LIKE HORSES A LOT BETTER THAN PEOPLE.
THEY DON'T ASK IRRITATING QUESTIONS, FOR ONE.
OKAY LOOK, I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.
I DID SEE SOME OF THE LETTER.
WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET? ABOUT THE LYRICS TO "OKLAHOMA"? I MEAN IT'S-- IT'S KIND OF A FUN SONG.
DO YOU REALLY WAN TO KNOW? MY MOM SENT THEM TO ME.
BECAUSE INSTEAD OF TELLING PEOPLE THAT I'M DRYING UP IN SOME REHAB, SHE TOLD EVERYONE THAT I'M AWAY AT MUSICAL THEATRE CAMP.
I HAVE TO LEARN THE SONG BEFORE I GO HOME.
OH, WOW.
I DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING.
SO DO YOU WAN TO SAY SOMETHING NOW ABOUT HOW SHE'S JUST TRYING TO PROTECT ME, OR HOW SHE REALLY LOVES ME? NO.
SHE SOUNDS LIKE AN ASSHOLE.
SOMETIMES PERSPECTIVE IS THE MOST SOBERING TREATMENT OF ALL.
OKAY GOOD, HE'S HERE.
YOU SEE HIM? RIGHT THERE.
YOU REMEMBER WHAT TO SAY? WHY DO I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE, DADDY? HE STARTED IT.
I KNOW, BUT SOMETIMES DADDIES MAKE MISTAKES, AND THIS WAS ONE OF THEM.
HEY.
I'M SORRY I TOLD YOU TO BLOW IT OUT OF YOUR BUTT.
THERE WE GO, OKAY.
EVERYBODY'S HAPPY? EVERYBODY'S FRIENDS.
ALL RIGHT? NO NEED TO EVER MENTION IT AGAIN.
LIKE AT THE FAMILY SEDER OR ANYTHING.
DON'T WORRY, WE DON'T TALK ABOUT LOSERS AT PASSOVER.
PIG EARS! YOU OKAY? YEAH, THANKS DADDY.
MM-HMM? YOU'RE LEAVING.
BUT YOU HAVEN'T DANCED WITH YOUR INNER CHILD IN THE SERENITY TENT.
THIS PLACE IS FOR PEOPLE WITH BIGGER PROBLEMS THAN BEING BANNED FROM SNOW DAY.
SO YOU'RE READY TO GET BACK IN THE GAME.
YEAH.
I LEARNED FROM MY HORSE THAT I NEED TO FACE THE MUSIC.
MM-HMM.
I ALSO LEARNED FROM MY HORSE THAT I'VE GOT IT PRETTY GOOD.
AND I LEARNED FROM MY HORSE THAT I NEED TO BE WITH MY DAUGHTER RIGHT NOW.
DID YOU HAVE SPARKY? YOU KNOW, YOU DID IT AGAIN.
YOU TOOK CARE OF ME.
OH.
I WISH I COULD DO SOMETHING FOR YOU.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT.
NOBODY DOES.
THERE IS NO GROUP FOR THIS PARTICULAR PROBLEM.
HEY.
I'M HERE FOR YOU.
WHATEVER YOU NEED.
AND YOU DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I CAN.
WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS? WE ALREADY KNOW I'M NOT BIG WITH THE 80 AND OVER SET.
YOU ARE A VERY DESIRABLE WOMAN.
AW.
NOT YOU, TOO.
COME ON.
HEY, DO ME A FAVOR.
THAT GIRL DESPERATELY NEEDS SOMEONE TO TALK TO.
OH, GOD.
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT CARING.
I KNOW.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT IT.
JOAN GREAT JOB COVERING DAVID SHAY.
OKAY, GARY, YOU'VE GOT YOUR SARCASTIC VOICE.
WHY? HE JUST WENT AWOL.
SOMEONE LEFT THE BARN DOOR OPEN LAST NIGH AND ONE OF THE HORSES IS GONE.
OH, I GOTTA DEAL WITH THIS.
WHO THE HELL LEFT THE BARN DOOR OPEN? I'VE GOT TO GO PICK UP MY DAUGHTER.
AT HER DAD'S.
DON'T WORRY, SHE WON'T TURN OUT LIKE ME.
YOU'RE NOT DONE YET.
BYE.
MOMMY! HEY! OH GOSH.
HOW ARE YOU, HONEY? DADDY FOUND MR.
OCTOPUS AND HE LET ME WATCH "THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN" AND HE THREW A SPIELBERG IN THE POOL.
YOU THREW A SPIELBERG IN THE POOL? YEAH, THE KID WAS MEAN TO HER.
I'M TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT, THOUGH.
WHOA, WHOA.
UH, WHAT'RE YOU DOING? CONFUSING MESSAGES.
YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO REHAB, BUT YOU WON' LET A MAN DRINK.
VERY GOOD.
NOW GET OFF 'CAUSE THIS TURF'S GOING TO RUIN MY HEELS.
MAKE ME.
I'D RATHER NOT.
YOU KNOW, THE UPSIDE OF NOT HAVING CHILDREN WAS AVOIDING THIS KIND OF A TANTRUM.
OH! OH! YOU KNOW I'VE PAID EXTRA TO HAVE YOU ALL TO MYSELF.
YOU MAY HAVE BEEN SHORTCHANGED.
I DON'T THINK SO.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.
HONEY, WHAT'S UP? I DON'T WANT TO GO.
BUT YOU WERE LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
WHAT IF PEOPLE START YELLING AT YOU AGAIN? WE'LL GET THROUGH IT.
WE'VE GOT EACH OTHER.
JAYDEN YOU HAVE TWO PARENTS THAT LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY.
AND YOU CAN ALWAYS COME TO US NO MATTER WHA AND WE'LL WORK IT OUT.
BUT RIGHT NOW, NO RUNNING AWAY.
WE'VE GOT TO FACE IT.
YOU HAVE TO FACE IT.
I DIDN'T WRITE A DIARY WITH MEAN THINGS IN IT.
NOT A BAD POINT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'VE GOT TO FACE IT.
WILL YOU HELP ME? THE CHICK WITH THE DOGGY BOOBS-- SHE'S GO A PRETTY GOOD ARM.
HOW'S YOUR HEAD? GOT THE WHOLE EXECUTIVE BRANCH MEMORIZED.
MM.
YOU WANT ME TO PEG HER? NOPE.
I'M COOL.
COVER ME.
AH! Captioning byCaptionMax FINALLY A MAKEUP SO SMAR IT KNOWS YOUR PERFECT SHADE.
SMART SHADE MAKEUP FROM ALMAY.
BREAKTHROUGH SHADE SENSING TECHNOLOGY STARTS OUT WHITE AND ADJUSTS TO RIGHT.
MATCHING YOUR SKIN TONE.
AND TRY NEW SMART SHADE CONCEALER FROM ALMAY.
ONCE YOU'VE DEALT WITH THE THINGS THAT COME BETWEEN YOU DON'T LET ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION GET IN THE WAY.
VIVA VIAGRA! VIAGRAAMERICA'S MOS PRESCRIBED ED TREATMENT CAN HELP YOU ENJOY A MORE SATISFYING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE.
TO LEARN MORE, SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH viagra.
com ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF YOUR HEAR IS HEALTHY ENOUGH FOR SEX.
DON'T TAKE VIAGRA IF YOU TAKE NITRATES FOR CHEST PAIN AS IT MAY CAUSE AN UNSAFE DROP IN BLOOD PRESSURE.
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE HEADACHE, FLUSHING, UPSET STOMACH, AND ABNORMAL VISION.
TO AVOID LONG-TERM INJURY, SEEK IMMEDIATE MEDICAL HELP FOR AN ERECTION LASTING MORE THAN FOUR HOURS.
STOP TAKING VIAGRA AND CALL YOUR DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY IF YOU EXPERIENCE A SUDDEN DECREASE IN VISION OR HEARING.
NOW'S THE TIME.
ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF VIAGRA IS RIGHT FOR YOU.
VIVA VIAGRA! MORNING KIDS! OH! PANCAKES.
I KNEW YOU'D BE HAPPY.
BISQUICK SHAKE 'N POUR.
JUST ADD WATER, SHAKE, AND POUR.
BISQUICK SHAKE 'N POUR.
SHAKE, POUR, MAKE.
A DOOR IS A DOOR IS A DOOR.
EXCEPT WHEN IT'S MORE OF A PORTAL.
A PORTAL TO DOING GOOD.
WHEN YOU GO THROUGH OUR DOORS, FIVE PERCENT OF OUR INCOME GOES OUT, AND INTO YOUR COMMUNITIES.
THAT'S THREE MILLION DOLLARS A WEEK FOR EDUCATION, ARTS, AND SOCIAL SERVICES.
WHICH, COULD OPEN A LOT OF DOORS FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE.