The West Wing s04e21 Episode Script
Life On Mars
Previously on The West Wing: Senator, you're the favorite to be the Democratic nominee for president.
I'd like you to come to Nashua, New Hampshire Thursday and hear Jed Bartlet speak.
- I work for Senator Hoynes.
I'd like you to be the vice president.
- Josh Lyman.
- Joseph Quincy.
A guy this qualified, I'd know him.
Something's wrong.
- You're a Republican.
- Yes.
Joe, it's fine.
Ainsley Hayes was a Republican.
- It's not fine.
- Why not? If you're a Republican, you damn well better look like Ainsley Hayes.
He does! I'm Charlie Young.
- What is your name? - It's Claire.
It's Claire Huddle.
Claire Huddle, Mr.
President.
It turns out it has to go to the secretary of state.
There's a law.
It's 3 U.
S.
C.
20.
It goes to the secretary of state, but we'll take care of it.
Why did you take a cab? - My car wouldn't start.
- I'm sorry? My car wouldn't start.
You know what's in here? It's okay.
- Good morning.
- We have a question Hang on.
Happy Birthday, Mark.
And don't ever say I don't pay attention.
- My birthday's in December.
- Say it.
What do I care.
Does the president have an opinion on the Trustees Report? Medicare? I don't think he's seen it.
I'll check.
H.
R.
235, increasing fuel efficiency standards, is he gonna twist arms? - He gonna do what he gotta do.
- Does that? He gonna do what he gotta do.
Will he go to the Children's Defense Fund Dinner? He wants to, but it's still early in the week.
- I'm gonna go in.
- No, C.
J .
Katie, I'm sorry.
You were asking something and I cut you off to wish Mark a happy birthday, just in case.
Come in with me.
- This is Ralph Gish, our science editor.
- It's my pleasure.
- Same, yes.
- Why is science coming here? - It's about the vice president.
- Come on in.
You familiar with the NASA Commission on Space Science and Research? I'm aware it exists.
I can take your question to our science adviser.
No.
This is not a science question.
Is the White House concealing a report from the commission containing two different pieces of evidence of water molecules on Mars? Is there a report not being released from the NASA Commission on Space Science and Research, saying: "Fossilized water molecules were found on a meteorite"? I won't say when it blew off the surface of Mars Come here.
I called you back for a single in front of everybody, that costs me.
Your question is,"Is there life on Mars, and is the White House hiding it?" How does this involve the vice president? He heads the commission.
A source says he told them personally.
- That's absurd! - I know, but Gish Ask Gish what credible source goes to the science editor He doesn't know who the source is.
The source went to another reporter and that reporter went to Gish.
I can't imagine that it's true.
Is there an existing report that says anything at all? If so, what? Will it be made public? If not, why? And if not, isn't that illegal? I don't know.
But I'll find out to the first bunch of questions and as for"legal" and"not legal," that's a matter for the counsel's office.
Oh! Hey, yeah, that's a matter for the counsel's office.
I know the right guy to speak to down there.
He's gonna fix you right up.
- Mr.
Quincy? - Yeah.
I'm Blair Spoonhour.
I'm with the counsel's office.
- You're with the counsel's office? - Yeah.
- What are you, 14? - Thank you.
No, I'm 22.
I'm a law student at GW.
- What year? - I just finished my first.
Anyway, they share assistants in the counsel's office, but they asked me to stick around to break you in.
Break me in? You're 22 years old and Where am I right now? This is the office traditionally given to new lawyers who are hired.
And what is it when it's not occupied? The Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue.
This White House doesn't like lawyers, do they? Really, they just hold them one rung above being a Republican.
Then we've won the jackpot, haven't we? Don't tell me that you're one of those people who group up You know what, law school? Let's settle down.
Do I have memos I have to read? What did you think that these were? I thought that was Xerox paper.
You're associate White House counsel, Mr.
Quincy we're not gonna store Xerox paper in here.
Sure, we'd never want to compromise the aesthetic integrity of the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue.
Triage those.
What I should read first, second, third.
Excuse me.
- That's a great outfit, Blair.
- Thank you.
- This is Press Secretary C.
J.
Cregg.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
And don't feel like you should help me with these.
There are only nine and it's an easy flight of stairs.
- Go to work.
- He's a Republican too.
- Thank you.
- Yes, he's a Republican.
Mr.
Quincy is.
Joe.
This is a cool office, Joe.
You got a little window up there near the ceiling that looks out onto the .
The .
What do you call it? The .
- Alley? - Yeah.
If you hang them on that pipe late afternoon you get your suits pressed.
- You're the welcoming committee? No, but that's a good idea.
Let me show you around.
I should probably stay and get started Joe, I outrank you by, like, 17 rungs, so follow me, would you? - Sure.
- Come on, it's gonna be fun.
If it's not, pretend that it is.
You know why? Because you outrank me by, like, 17 rungs.
Hey, no, but again, I like how you're thinking.
You know what I'll get asked about probably at my briefing today? The Department of Agriculture report that'll come out saying commodity prices are down six percent and will the White House respond to broke farmers? I thought since the Republicans tore up the farm safety net you might know what I should say.
"Food is cheaper and that's good"? You're saying it's good farmers can't sell what they grow? No, I wasn't.
I was saying that it's good you can buy food for less than an entire wage.
It's good, except, whoa, those pesky farmers again.
Don't worry about it.
There aren't that many.
No, wait, I misspoke.
Agriculture is this country's biggest industry.
Aren't you showing me around? That was a staircase.
What do you want? The Dolley Madison staircase.
- Roosevelt Room.
I've been in there.
- Nobody cares.
- Okay.
- Well, this may sound silly but the science editor from the Post has a source, a blind source who says the vice president personally told him, the blind source the vice president interfered to classify a report that a NASA commission, which he heads, has, saying there's life on Mars.
God, why would you think you'd sound silly? - Would you find out if we broke the law? - Sure.
The farmers are victims of this Republican Congress.
I don't get a vote in the House of Representatives but I go to the store.
I know food is cheaper.
I know when life expectancy goes up, that's not victimizing undertakers.
Well argued, though I hate you and everything you stand for.
Claudia Jean, usually it takes an hour to hate me and everything I stand for.
I'm the press secretary, Boo-boo.
I don't have that time.
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
What do I do if I need to speak to the vice president? You speak to the vice president, Joe.
You're his lawyer.
The kids, the camping gear, and yeah, even Rex, are all loaded up for that vacation you've worked hard for.
- Rex is the dog? - Yeah.
Is that what you want to happen on the way to your favorite campsite? Tell your congressman that America 's about freedom.
Tell your congressman to vote "no" on 235.
That family isn't gonna drive up that hill if we increase fuel efficiency standards.
That family isn't gonna get up the hill because dad's trying to pull the kids the camping gear, Rex the dog, and what would appear to be his den up K2 in a Ford Falcon.
- Actually, it's the power of the ad.
- Say that again.
Actually, it's the power of the ad.
- You thought that ad was powerful? - Yeah.
You think it sucks? Yeah.
If I'm watching that ad It wasn't for you.
It wasn't about dad.
It was about mom looking worried.
- That was for soccer mom? That? - Yes.
Soccer moms recognize a Big Three hosing when it walks up and introduces itself good as anyone and they know it begins with"Tell your congressman America's about freedom.
" And that mom was worried because Dad's hauling a yard sale up Kilimanjaro.
And she's thinking, "Wow, I married an idiot!" She's worried because the kids are in back.
You think it'll be effective? It says the president and some Hollywood types wanna put your kids in a small car so that they can save the sky.
- How did Hollywood types get into it? - How do they ever? - You think we should run a counter ad? - We have to.
- Saying what? - Oh, I don't know.
- What do you mean? - What do you mean? We've been here 20 minutes.
I came in to show you the spots and tell you we should counter.
I don't have an idea for one.
Well, get one.
Have an idea.
Don't come in here with half a thing and not be able to After you walk me to the brink and say,"We've gotta do this, it's important, though I have no idea how"! Like one of those guys who buys a new thing but doesn't know how to get the most out of it! Toby, either get Andy to marry you, or kill yourself.
Yeah.
- I'll start putting together a counter ad.
- Thanks.
Want me to turn the lights down, draw the blinds? - No.
- Okay.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
You have to stop it.
Stop it! Stop it.
You are gonna hurt your beak.
- Stop it.
- What the hell are you doing? I'm sorry, but this bird has been tapping on the window for I don't know how long, but a long time.
I've lost track because I'm moving into certain phases of dementia.
- Let me get rid of it.
- No, no! - What are you gonna do? - Scare him away.
No, it's not nice.
- I'm not gonna hurt him.
- He's not bothering anybody.
- He's gonna be bothering me, right? - No.
Stop it.
- No.
You're gonna wanna go see Leo.
- Why? Carol got a call:"Did the White House press the Justice Department to call off their investigation of Casseon?" - No.
- No what? - No, we didn't.
- You don't wanna take the call to Leo? Justice didn't call it off.
They reached a settlement with Casseon.
It was from the Post.
They have a source.
You can work with C.
J.
's office to run down the source, I guess.
You're saying I can do this? - Excuse me.
- Hey.
- Hang on.
How's it going so far? - Good, thanks.
If I had a few questions for Leo McGarry do I go straight to his office or do I run it by you? At the beginning, give me a quick hit just so you can learn how to keep the crazy stuff out of his office.
- Stop it.
- Stop it.
- What do you got? - Reporter looking into the White House suppressing a NASA commission.
This is two in one day.
I just got: "Did the White House interfere with Casseon antitrust?" Yeah you can go ahead and work with C.
J.
's office.
And, sure.
- Thanks.
- Wait.
What did we get for calling off the DOJ? A hundred thousand computers in classrooms.
- They said that? You weren't joking? - No.
They said that to .
- Carol said the reporter said that? - Yeah.
Well, now we go see Leo.
- So you're our new sawbones.
- A sawbones is a doctor.
- Is it? - Yeah.
A lawyer's a shyster.
I got him to say it.
I don't Josh is a lawyer.
Well, yeah.
I mean, he went to law school, but .
You don't practice law is all I was saying.
I don't practice law? I write the laws.
I make the laws.
I am the law! We're having a problem with a bird outside our office.
Are you? Better than that, I think I may have a family of bats.
- Margaret, this is Joe Quincy.
- Yes, Joe.
The girls in Political Affairs asked me to tell you they wouldn't have covered your parking spot with mayonnaise if they'd known you were a biscuit.
Okay.
Well, tell them, you know, no problem.
- Leo? - What do you need? Quickly.
Set a record right now.
Make the news.
You mind if I go first? Okay, Donna just got a question from the Post, did we? - I'm sorry, have you met? - I met him.
What? - All right, you go first.
- Yeah.
Mr.
McGarry, the press secretary came to me with a question from the Post who has a source claiming a NASA study was classified by the White House.
- What do they think it said? - That .
Sir, I'm, you know .
They claim it said that a meteorite from Mars from Mars was discovered in Antarctica about 30 years ago and that we found fossilized carbonate molecules.
That we know there's life on Mars.
That's what they're saying.
The Defense Department classified the NASA commission report.
- I'm sorry? - That report was classified by Defense.
- The report exists? - I can't tell you that.
It was classified.
I can tell you it was classified by the Defense Department.
What about you? Did we get the Justice Department to call off its investigation with Casseon? - They didn't call it off.
They settled.
- Ask Donna what they bribed us with.
Tell him what the Post said we got.
A hundred thousand computers in classrooms.
- What? - That was part of the settlement.
There's a leak.
This, the Mars people.
Don't get me started.
The stuff I think you still won't tell me Who knew about the terms with Casseon, outside us? And now them.
The president, me and you.
Counsel.
Counsel at Treasury and Commerce.
Two, three guys at NEC.
Hackley, Little, May.
- The vice president? - Yeah.
The assistant attorney general for Antitrust.
Did we? Excuse me.
The vice president knew the terms of the Casseon settlement? - Sure.
- Fix this, would you? There's a story we're obstructing justice, in another, we're in a Ray Bradbury yarn.
- These make me crazy.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
All right, it's gotta be something like this.
It's gonna be something .
All it needs to be It's gotta be something pointing to - I'm sorry.
Cassie, you had the turkey? - Yeah.
A soccer mom.
No.
Fade in on an SUV stuck in the mud.
The soccer mom behind the wheel is switching from reverse to drive her wheels spinning in place.
And behind her we see she's pulling Wait for it .
- A Saudi oil rig! - A Saudi oil rig! That's exactly right! She's trying to pull a Saudi oil rig.
We're in mind meld, Lauren Number Two and I.
- I'm number three.
- I moved you up.
You see? How are people gonna know it's a Saudi oil rig? - How are people gonna know it's Saudi? - Well, that's a good point.
You had the number-two ranking among Laurens, but you lost it.
She's number one.
Then I expect you two to compete for the two spot.
- Will.
- What you got, Lauren Shelby? What if instead of hauling a Saudi oil rig she's hauling actual Saudis.
- Hauling Saudis? Like a U-Haul full of Saudis? Maybe the oil rig could have Arabic writing on it.
Is this coming awfully close to a spot the Klan might produce? I was about to say.
- You had the chicken? - Thank you.
You know what we should do? We should use the same family.
Yes! We get the same actors, driving an SUV this time.
- But they stop every three miles for gas.
- I like it.
Who else? - How is that gonna play in 15 seconds? - How's it gonna play in 15 seconds? - Give your food back.
- Will.
We're not hauling Saudis! I'm not saying the soccer mom's dragging them up the hill they'd be super comfortable.
- Stop talking.
- Okay.
Helen Baldwin is gonna write a book.
She's retained an agent who's sent around an outline.
There's a bidding war.
Random House bought it for low seven figures, according to Stu Winkle.
Could that possibly be his real name? "Baldwin, long a fixture in D.
C.
and Manhattan society whether for work on charity or her position on the arm of some of Wall Street, Washington and Hollywood's most eligible men as well as hosting the Beltway's" What the hell kind of sentence is this? There's a 73-year-old lady who works cleaning and winding all the clocks.
She won't retire.
She inherited it from her mother, who inherited it from her mother.
She earns $22,000 a year.
She walks in rooms where there's personal correspondence.
Where she can hear if the president and first lady are fighting.
Where she can see people come for secret meetings.
She's been doing this for five decades of presidents.
Her name is Mrs.
Wheely.
And I said,"Mrs.
Wheely, you should really write a book.
" She said,"No, no, no.
We don't do that.
" Twenty-two thousand a year.
You said I wouldn't even know you were here.
Just so you know, I can tell that you are.
Are you eating a salad? - Yeah.
- Why? Because I am.
I don't think I've ever seen you eat a salad.
What kind of salad is it? - I don't know.
- Is it mixed greens? I don't know what kind of salad.
I'm eating a salad, okay? I'm doing it.
Do I have to know the names? There's no difference between them.
It's a bowl of weeds.
Some have cheese.
This isn't the kind.
Does that answer your question? Now, how many years have you guys been,"Toby, you eat like a teenager.
Toby, that's red meat.
That's your second cigar.
" Here I am eating a salad, which you could cover in barbecue sauce and it would still taste like the ground, and I'm getting heckled! Who wanted to eat his roast beef sandwich with ketchup on a Kaiser roll and watch the damn tennis on my TV! That's all I'm saying.
Are you really doing everything you can to get her to marry you? Yes, I'm doing everything I can.
What? Excuse me, I'm Joe Quincy.
- They told you I was coming by? - Yeah.
You're the new sawbones.
Donna Moss already got me to say it.
Damn it.
This is Charlie Young.
- Sure.
- How you doing? Your office had requested comments on your draft statement about a decision from the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals.
If counsel's fine, just have C.
J.
Cregg's office put it out.
Yeah, I saw it was headed there.
The language is incendiary.
I wasn't sure if you knew you couldn't beat up on Appeals and then expect the Supreme Court to hear the case.
Did I beat up on them in the notes for the press comments? - Yes.
- What'd I say? You said, in this case: "The Fourth Circuit lacked the judicial imagination God gave pistachio nuts.
" - They did.
- Perhaps.
Did you think I was gonna have the press secretary on behalf of the president compare a federal judge to a pistachio nut? The language gets cleaned up on C.
J.
's desk.
- That makes sense.
- Toby's distracted by a woman.
And salads.
When you do 10 minutes on Helen Baldwin's book deal, it's righteous.
But I speak my mind after getting poked with a stick, and it's Andy! - Helen Baldwin has a book deal? - Yep.
- Where did you find that out? - I'm glad you asked because it gives me the opportunity to say"Stu Winkle.
" I got it from Stu Winkle.
Post's man-in-the-thick-of-it.
- He's their gossip guy? - Yeah.
- Is he new there? - Yeah.
Okay.
The northwest lobby is is that way? - Yeah.
You just go that way and then, you know, ask somebody else.
Thanks.
Sorry for jumping the gun on the Fourth Circuit.
Joe? - What's going on? - I'm sure it's nothing.
This is just my first day.
Two press inquiries that came to my attention that sounded alike, is all.
Can I get back to you? Make sure you do.
Josh thinks you should advance sales numbers of first homes to the Journal.
The Times got existing home sales.
Know what happens with negotiated press leaks? Two-thirds give us lousy coverage because they're mad they didn't get it.
And the other third doesn't give us better coverage because - What was that? - I don't believe it.
Josh has this guy at his window too.
They see their reflection in the window and they think it's another bird.
What's the learning curve on a bird? Stop it.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
We thought you were a huge bird knocking on the door.
- Something up with birds? - One's obsessed with Donna.
It's true, I'm like Tippi Hedren around here.
I'm sorry, would you mind if? No.
- Can I close the door? - Donna just did.
You said the science editor, when he came to you with a question I wouldn't worry about Mars.
I just gave you a hard time.
No kidding.
By the way, there was a report.
It was classified by the Defense Department.
- We'll leave that for another time.
- What's the problem? You said the editor had a blind source, that it came from someone else at the paper, and I think I know who.
- Who? A guy named Stu Winkle, who has a new gossip column.
How would he get a story about the Pentagon? - I'd rather not say yet.
- Why? If I'm wrong, it'll be inappropriate that I suggested it and I'll be held in contempt.
- You are wrong.
- No, I'm not.
Stu Winkles don't get tips about the White House suppressing reports.
The NASA report's over.
I'm not concerned with that.
Would you mind calling him to confirm that he's the other reporter? You want me to call Stu Winkle? - He has a new column.
Wish him luck.
- I don't make calls to gossip columnists.
- He's gonna be flattered.
- You won't tell me why? - No.
- Even if I give you assurances that I already hold you in contempt? - Yes.
Carol? Would you get me Stu Winkle at the Washington Post? - I'm sorry? - Stu Winkle at the Post.
- Winkle? - Yes.
- When you get him, here's what you say.
- I know what to say.
"Judicial imagination of pistachio nuts.
" - Can't say that to the Fourth Circuit.
- No.
C.
J.
, you have Stu Winkle on one.
Stu, this is C.
J.
Cregg at the White House.
- Stu? -Oh, my God, it's really you, isn 't it? It is, and I saw you have a new column and I think it's terrific and everyone here at the White House wishes you a lot of luck.
You are the classiest thing for calling me.
- Well .
-You are the classiest thing! You're my hero, C.
J.
Your brilliance and your sense of humor and your clothes.
- Thank you.
-The evening gowns.
Who makes them? Do not tell me you buy off the rack, I'll kill you.
- Well, I'm a girl on a budget.
-Don 't try that on me.
No, really.
Like the party at the Japanese Embassy, you were wearing a dress from Saks.
Stu, I wanted to get you a direct answer to that NASA commission question that Ralph Gish and Katie brought me.
It was the Defense Department, not the White House who classified the report.
Stu? Well, that makes perfect sense.
I hope you don 't mind, it sounded crazy enough, but what do I know? So you've gotta run these things down.
I know you have all the free time in the world but it would be great if we could go for coffee, and I'll tell you why: You may find it hard to believe, but before I got into this stuff I was a serious journalist.
I don 't mean "boring" serious, but the more More than the celebrity fluff.
The embarrassing thing is, I was so green I spent thousands of dollars on a J- School sheepskin from Columbia.
Of course, that and a metro card will get you a ride on the subway, right? After that, I spent two years getting people's coffee at Town & Country before I realized I was better off getting experiences in the trenches.
I freelanced my butt off.
I wrote about AIDS orphans, Mississippi flood victims a series on homeless teenagers, race riots and rural problems in the Midwest.
And I felt good about myself.
But that stuff pays the same as if I sat with Angela Moviestar for an hour and let the tape recorder transcribe her blathering about her boyfriend and what a risk her new role is.
Let somebody else get a Pulitzer Prize.
I need to maximize the amount I can make per hour.
Now that I've been doing this for like 10 years, I wanna use this position at the Post to get my toes back into Stu, thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
Well, I cannot tell you how class Carol? - Yeah.
- I need to see Josh and Toby.
And Joe needs to see the vice president.
Okay.
I want Cairo to focus on legal and regulatory reforms.
We've got the whole regulatory agenda left over from last time.
- We do.
- Seriously, the whole agenda is left over.
And Vice President Abou El-Azm wants the trade and investment framework.
Yeah, my point is we can get to that in a closed-door session.
You understand, it can't appear as if I'm saying the Syrian question is less urgent.
Yes, sir.
Well, it's been a long day.
- We're done.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you, Mr.
Vice President.
Guys, do me a favor.
Don't go home yet.
Wait for me a minute, okay? - Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
Good evening, Mr.
Vice President.
Good evening.
- You brought friendly faces.
- Sir? You brought friendly faces.
That was considerate.
- You're Joe Quincy? - Yes, sir.
- This is your first day? - Yes, sir.
They're gonna put your picture up someplace.
You're gonna get honored at a luncheon.
We were just meeting in here.
I have a bilateral commission with the vice president of Egypt.
It's in Cairo this year.
We see how legal and financial systems can attract foreign investments.
So look out for ShopEgypt.
Org, I suppose.
- You're going to tell me I'm not going.
- Mr.
Vice President have you been having an affair with Helen Baldwin while here? - He's asking because - I should hit you in the face.
- He's asking because - I know why he's asking.
I know why he's asking.
I understand why you're here.
I've spoken with C.
J.
Yes.
And I like to show off.
I said things.
I said I'd seen proof of life on Mars.
I said I'd intervened at the Justice Department put 100,000 computers in the classrooms which I thought made me sound like a good guy.
- What, did you hear a rumor once? - Yes, sir.
You saw Helen had a book deal, you knew she must've teased them.
It's a tell-all.
A couple items in gossip columns, maybe the guy was the science editor's contact? Yes, sir.
Well, you earned your money today.
This could've been bad but you found it early.
- What do I do now? - Sir, I'm an associate counsel.
This is my first day.
I've spoken to Oliver Babish, who's gotten on a plane What do I do now? I think you've gotta talk to your family now, sir.
Thanks.
- Thank you, Mr.
Vice President.
- Thank you, Mr.
Vice President.
Thank you, sir.
- I hope I didn't see you smile in there.
- You didn't.
Josh, you didn't.
- Gas masks.
- Yes.
- Something with gas masks.
- Sing to me, Lauren Romano.
I'm Lauren Romano.
- Keep going with the gas masks.
- Mothers barely able to even see their children through the haze of gas masks.
You rode it right off the rails, didn't you? I did.
Anyone else think it's weird that Toby had a salad? Anyone else think it's weird that Lauren Romano's still talking about it? I'm Lauren Romano.
Clear blue sky.
The camera tilts down into a slowly thickening Listen to this: Clear blue sky.
The camera tilts down into a slowly thickening haze until it levels on a suburban street.
An SUV filled with Mom, Dad, the kids, same actors from the other ad, and Rex.
They get out and they're wearing gas masks.
We've also got one where the family's towing Saudis in a U-Haul.
Doesn't have the feel of high-minded debate, does it? - No, but actually you don't want it to.
- Why not? We're countering an attack ad.
And when you're in the trenches But we're not in the trenches.
Two bodies of government are debating fuel efficiency at the highest level.
We're not in the trenches.
I don't know.
I know it's a 15-second spot.
You gotta scare them.
I just don't feel like doing that tonight.
Will, you need to come with me.
I need to tell you what's about to happen.
- You've talked to Suzanne? - I'm sorry, sir? - You've talked to Suzanne? - Yeah.
- What happened? - You know what happened.
Tell me again.
How many times? When did it start? - I don't think it matters.
- Mr.
Vice President for this moment tonight, I'm gonna be in charge of deciding what matters.
Forty-seven phone calls.
Did you not know that the White House keeps records of phone calls? Did you not know that? - How many times? When did it start? - It is none of your business.
- I'm about to read about it in a book.
- Then read about it.
Didn't it ever occur to you that she might do this? No.
I didn't think she would.
You were wrong.
Do you think there's anyone else behind this? - I don't know.
- You think she was coached by Republican leadership? - I don't know.
- If we're gonna weather this, then - We're not gonna weather this.
- We will.
- We won't.
I'm resigning.
If we're gonna do this we've gotta start tonight, now.
- I need you thinking now and not - Sir, I'm resigning the vice presidency.
- What about"None of your business.
" - I leaked classified information.
It is their business.
It's also a felony.
- Are you in a position to deny it? - No.
She's made a seven-figure book deal.
- Not gonna have credibility.
- Since when does she need credibility? Apologize and move on.
Accept responsibility.
You don't need to disclose details.
She's gonna take care of that for you.
You'll be the special for two months, then you can get the nomination.
I'm not getting the nomination.
In the middle of MS, it looked like we couldn't recover.
We did! Which is why it's never gonna happen again.
That was the one you get.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Vice President, if my multiple sclerosis was a bummer for your sex life.
How the hell did you do this to us? You can't resign, John.
It's a terrible signal to send.
Sir if I stay, it sabotages an entire agenda and you know I'm right.
The party's gonna need a candidate who can win.
And I think the least I can do for Suzanne is not to drag her through it.
Is there more? Is there another shoe? If it's a series I'd imagine she's gonna You'll still get dragged through it.
It won't change anything.
Only now, you're gonna be there alone with no apparatus for a comeback which I'm telling you you can do.
You can make it.
I can help you.
I don't wanna take my family through it.
You're a giant, John.
You're a U.
S.
senator, the vice president of the United States and presumptive nominee of your party.
You cannot be taken down by this cheap person and her customers, huddled around Macy's waiting for someone to turn themselves inside out.
It's cause for divorce not resignation.
You can't be taken down by this cheap person.
The president knows I'm right.
So do you.
The truth is, I took an oath too.
So .
Didn't you have any sense that this was the kind of person who would do this? Hasn't it been your experience that they look much like the people who wouldn't? Well, I want you to sleep on it.
I want all of us to sleep on it.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
Why did you take a cab? - My car wouldn't start.
- I'm sorry? My car wouldn't start.
You know what's in here? It's okay.
Okay.
Yeah, we're gonna need a new vice president.
I'd like you to come to Nashua, New Hampshire Thursday and hear Jed Bartlet speak.
- I work for Senator Hoynes.
I'd like you to be the vice president.
- Josh Lyman.
- Joseph Quincy.
A guy this qualified, I'd know him.
Something's wrong.
- You're a Republican.
- Yes.
Joe, it's fine.
Ainsley Hayes was a Republican.
- It's not fine.
- Why not? If you're a Republican, you damn well better look like Ainsley Hayes.
He does! I'm Charlie Young.
- What is your name? - It's Claire.
It's Claire Huddle.
Claire Huddle, Mr.
President.
It turns out it has to go to the secretary of state.
There's a law.
It's 3 U.
S.
C.
20.
It goes to the secretary of state, but we'll take care of it.
Why did you take a cab? - My car wouldn't start.
- I'm sorry? My car wouldn't start.
You know what's in here? It's okay.
- Good morning.
- We have a question Hang on.
Happy Birthday, Mark.
And don't ever say I don't pay attention.
- My birthday's in December.
- Say it.
What do I care.
Does the president have an opinion on the Trustees Report? Medicare? I don't think he's seen it.
I'll check.
H.
R.
235, increasing fuel efficiency standards, is he gonna twist arms? - He gonna do what he gotta do.
- Does that? He gonna do what he gotta do.
Will he go to the Children's Defense Fund Dinner? He wants to, but it's still early in the week.
- I'm gonna go in.
- No, C.
J .
Katie, I'm sorry.
You were asking something and I cut you off to wish Mark a happy birthday, just in case.
Come in with me.
- This is Ralph Gish, our science editor.
- It's my pleasure.
- Same, yes.
- Why is science coming here? - It's about the vice president.
- Come on in.
You familiar with the NASA Commission on Space Science and Research? I'm aware it exists.
I can take your question to our science adviser.
No.
This is not a science question.
Is the White House concealing a report from the commission containing two different pieces of evidence of water molecules on Mars? Is there a report not being released from the NASA Commission on Space Science and Research, saying: "Fossilized water molecules were found on a meteorite"? I won't say when it blew off the surface of Mars Come here.
I called you back for a single in front of everybody, that costs me.
Your question is,"Is there life on Mars, and is the White House hiding it?" How does this involve the vice president? He heads the commission.
A source says he told them personally.
- That's absurd! - I know, but Gish Ask Gish what credible source goes to the science editor He doesn't know who the source is.
The source went to another reporter and that reporter went to Gish.
I can't imagine that it's true.
Is there an existing report that says anything at all? If so, what? Will it be made public? If not, why? And if not, isn't that illegal? I don't know.
But I'll find out to the first bunch of questions and as for"legal" and"not legal," that's a matter for the counsel's office.
Oh! Hey, yeah, that's a matter for the counsel's office.
I know the right guy to speak to down there.
He's gonna fix you right up.
- Mr.
Quincy? - Yeah.
I'm Blair Spoonhour.
I'm with the counsel's office.
- You're with the counsel's office? - Yeah.
- What are you, 14? - Thank you.
No, I'm 22.
I'm a law student at GW.
- What year? - I just finished my first.
Anyway, they share assistants in the counsel's office, but they asked me to stick around to break you in.
Break me in? You're 22 years old and Where am I right now? This is the office traditionally given to new lawyers who are hired.
And what is it when it's not occupied? The Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue.
This White House doesn't like lawyers, do they? Really, they just hold them one rung above being a Republican.
Then we've won the jackpot, haven't we? Don't tell me that you're one of those people who group up You know what, law school? Let's settle down.
Do I have memos I have to read? What did you think that these were? I thought that was Xerox paper.
You're associate White House counsel, Mr.
Quincy we're not gonna store Xerox paper in here.
Sure, we'd never want to compromise the aesthetic integrity of the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue.
Triage those.
What I should read first, second, third.
Excuse me.
- That's a great outfit, Blair.
- Thank you.
- This is Press Secretary C.
J.
Cregg.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
And don't feel like you should help me with these.
There are only nine and it's an easy flight of stairs.
- Go to work.
- He's a Republican too.
- Thank you.
- Yes, he's a Republican.
Mr.
Quincy is.
Joe.
This is a cool office, Joe.
You got a little window up there near the ceiling that looks out onto the .
The .
What do you call it? The .
- Alley? - Yeah.
If you hang them on that pipe late afternoon you get your suits pressed.
- You're the welcoming committee? No, but that's a good idea.
Let me show you around.
I should probably stay and get started Joe, I outrank you by, like, 17 rungs, so follow me, would you? - Sure.
- Come on, it's gonna be fun.
If it's not, pretend that it is.
You know why? Because you outrank me by, like, 17 rungs.
Hey, no, but again, I like how you're thinking.
You know what I'll get asked about probably at my briefing today? The Department of Agriculture report that'll come out saying commodity prices are down six percent and will the White House respond to broke farmers? I thought since the Republicans tore up the farm safety net you might know what I should say.
"Food is cheaper and that's good"? You're saying it's good farmers can't sell what they grow? No, I wasn't.
I was saying that it's good you can buy food for less than an entire wage.
It's good, except, whoa, those pesky farmers again.
Don't worry about it.
There aren't that many.
No, wait, I misspoke.
Agriculture is this country's biggest industry.
Aren't you showing me around? That was a staircase.
What do you want? The Dolley Madison staircase.
- Roosevelt Room.
I've been in there.
- Nobody cares.
- Okay.
- Well, this may sound silly but the science editor from the Post has a source, a blind source who says the vice president personally told him, the blind source the vice president interfered to classify a report that a NASA commission, which he heads, has, saying there's life on Mars.
God, why would you think you'd sound silly? - Would you find out if we broke the law? - Sure.
The farmers are victims of this Republican Congress.
I don't get a vote in the House of Representatives but I go to the store.
I know food is cheaper.
I know when life expectancy goes up, that's not victimizing undertakers.
Well argued, though I hate you and everything you stand for.
Claudia Jean, usually it takes an hour to hate me and everything I stand for.
I'm the press secretary, Boo-boo.
I don't have that time.
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
What do I do if I need to speak to the vice president? You speak to the vice president, Joe.
You're his lawyer.
The kids, the camping gear, and yeah, even Rex, are all loaded up for that vacation you've worked hard for.
- Rex is the dog? - Yeah.
Is that what you want to happen on the way to your favorite campsite? Tell your congressman that America 's about freedom.
Tell your congressman to vote "no" on 235.
That family isn't gonna drive up that hill if we increase fuel efficiency standards.
That family isn't gonna get up the hill because dad's trying to pull the kids the camping gear, Rex the dog, and what would appear to be his den up K2 in a Ford Falcon.
- Actually, it's the power of the ad.
- Say that again.
Actually, it's the power of the ad.
- You thought that ad was powerful? - Yeah.
You think it sucks? Yeah.
If I'm watching that ad It wasn't for you.
It wasn't about dad.
It was about mom looking worried.
- That was for soccer mom? That? - Yes.
Soccer moms recognize a Big Three hosing when it walks up and introduces itself good as anyone and they know it begins with"Tell your congressman America's about freedom.
" And that mom was worried because Dad's hauling a yard sale up Kilimanjaro.
And she's thinking, "Wow, I married an idiot!" She's worried because the kids are in back.
You think it'll be effective? It says the president and some Hollywood types wanna put your kids in a small car so that they can save the sky.
- How did Hollywood types get into it? - How do they ever? - You think we should run a counter ad? - We have to.
- Saying what? - Oh, I don't know.
- What do you mean? - What do you mean? We've been here 20 minutes.
I came in to show you the spots and tell you we should counter.
I don't have an idea for one.
Well, get one.
Have an idea.
Don't come in here with half a thing and not be able to After you walk me to the brink and say,"We've gotta do this, it's important, though I have no idea how"! Like one of those guys who buys a new thing but doesn't know how to get the most out of it! Toby, either get Andy to marry you, or kill yourself.
Yeah.
- I'll start putting together a counter ad.
- Thanks.
Want me to turn the lights down, draw the blinds? - No.
- Okay.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop it.
You have to stop it.
Stop it! Stop it.
You are gonna hurt your beak.
- Stop it.
- What the hell are you doing? I'm sorry, but this bird has been tapping on the window for I don't know how long, but a long time.
I've lost track because I'm moving into certain phases of dementia.
- Let me get rid of it.
- No, no! - What are you gonna do? - Scare him away.
No, it's not nice.
- I'm not gonna hurt him.
- He's not bothering anybody.
- He's gonna be bothering me, right? - No.
Stop it.
- No.
You're gonna wanna go see Leo.
- Why? Carol got a call:"Did the White House press the Justice Department to call off their investigation of Casseon?" - No.
- No what? - No, we didn't.
- You don't wanna take the call to Leo? Justice didn't call it off.
They reached a settlement with Casseon.
It was from the Post.
They have a source.
You can work with C.
J.
's office to run down the source, I guess.
You're saying I can do this? - Excuse me.
- Hey.
- Hang on.
How's it going so far? - Good, thanks.
If I had a few questions for Leo McGarry do I go straight to his office or do I run it by you? At the beginning, give me a quick hit just so you can learn how to keep the crazy stuff out of his office.
- Stop it.
- Stop it.
- What do you got? - Reporter looking into the White House suppressing a NASA commission.
This is two in one day.
I just got: "Did the White House interfere with Casseon antitrust?" Yeah you can go ahead and work with C.
J.
's office.
And, sure.
- Thanks.
- Wait.
What did we get for calling off the DOJ? A hundred thousand computers in classrooms.
- They said that? You weren't joking? - No.
They said that to .
- Carol said the reporter said that? - Yeah.
Well, now we go see Leo.
- So you're our new sawbones.
- A sawbones is a doctor.
- Is it? - Yeah.
A lawyer's a shyster.
I got him to say it.
I don't Josh is a lawyer.
Well, yeah.
I mean, he went to law school, but .
You don't practice law is all I was saying.
I don't practice law? I write the laws.
I make the laws.
I am the law! We're having a problem with a bird outside our office.
Are you? Better than that, I think I may have a family of bats.
- Margaret, this is Joe Quincy.
- Yes, Joe.
The girls in Political Affairs asked me to tell you they wouldn't have covered your parking spot with mayonnaise if they'd known you were a biscuit.
Okay.
Well, tell them, you know, no problem.
- Leo? - What do you need? Quickly.
Set a record right now.
Make the news.
You mind if I go first? Okay, Donna just got a question from the Post, did we? - I'm sorry, have you met? - I met him.
What? - All right, you go first.
- Yeah.
Mr.
McGarry, the press secretary came to me with a question from the Post who has a source claiming a NASA study was classified by the White House.
- What do they think it said? - That .
Sir, I'm, you know .
They claim it said that a meteorite from Mars from Mars was discovered in Antarctica about 30 years ago and that we found fossilized carbonate molecules.
That we know there's life on Mars.
That's what they're saying.
The Defense Department classified the NASA commission report.
- I'm sorry? - That report was classified by Defense.
- The report exists? - I can't tell you that.
It was classified.
I can tell you it was classified by the Defense Department.
What about you? Did we get the Justice Department to call off its investigation with Casseon? - They didn't call it off.
They settled.
- Ask Donna what they bribed us with.
Tell him what the Post said we got.
A hundred thousand computers in classrooms.
- What? - That was part of the settlement.
There's a leak.
This, the Mars people.
Don't get me started.
The stuff I think you still won't tell me Who knew about the terms with Casseon, outside us? And now them.
The president, me and you.
Counsel.
Counsel at Treasury and Commerce.
Two, three guys at NEC.
Hackley, Little, May.
- The vice president? - Yeah.
The assistant attorney general for Antitrust.
Did we? Excuse me.
The vice president knew the terms of the Casseon settlement? - Sure.
- Fix this, would you? There's a story we're obstructing justice, in another, we're in a Ray Bradbury yarn.
- These make me crazy.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
All right, it's gotta be something like this.
It's gonna be something .
All it needs to be It's gotta be something pointing to - I'm sorry.
Cassie, you had the turkey? - Yeah.
A soccer mom.
No.
Fade in on an SUV stuck in the mud.
The soccer mom behind the wheel is switching from reverse to drive her wheels spinning in place.
And behind her we see she's pulling Wait for it .
- A Saudi oil rig! - A Saudi oil rig! That's exactly right! She's trying to pull a Saudi oil rig.
We're in mind meld, Lauren Number Two and I.
- I'm number three.
- I moved you up.
You see? How are people gonna know it's a Saudi oil rig? - How are people gonna know it's Saudi? - Well, that's a good point.
You had the number-two ranking among Laurens, but you lost it.
She's number one.
Then I expect you two to compete for the two spot.
- Will.
- What you got, Lauren Shelby? What if instead of hauling a Saudi oil rig she's hauling actual Saudis.
- Hauling Saudis? Like a U-Haul full of Saudis? Maybe the oil rig could have Arabic writing on it.
Is this coming awfully close to a spot the Klan might produce? I was about to say.
- You had the chicken? - Thank you.
You know what we should do? We should use the same family.
Yes! We get the same actors, driving an SUV this time.
- But they stop every three miles for gas.
- I like it.
Who else? - How is that gonna play in 15 seconds? - How's it gonna play in 15 seconds? - Give your food back.
- Will.
We're not hauling Saudis! I'm not saying the soccer mom's dragging them up the hill they'd be super comfortable.
- Stop talking.
- Okay.
Helen Baldwin is gonna write a book.
She's retained an agent who's sent around an outline.
There's a bidding war.
Random House bought it for low seven figures, according to Stu Winkle.
Could that possibly be his real name? "Baldwin, long a fixture in D.
C.
and Manhattan society whether for work on charity or her position on the arm of some of Wall Street, Washington and Hollywood's most eligible men as well as hosting the Beltway's" What the hell kind of sentence is this? There's a 73-year-old lady who works cleaning and winding all the clocks.
She won't retire.
She inherited it from her mother, who inherited it from her mother.
She earns $22,000 a year.
She walks in rooms where there's personal correspondence.
Where she can hear if the president and first lady are fighting.
Where she can see people come for secret meetings.
She's been doing this for five decades of presidents.
Her name is Mrs.
Wheely.
And I said,"Mrs.
Wheely, you should really write a book.
" She said,"No, no, no.
We don't do that.
" Twenty-two thousand a year.
You said I wouldn't even know you were here.
Just so you know, I can tell that you are.
Are you eating a salad? - Yeah.
- Why? Because I am.
I don't think I've ever seen you eat a salad.
What kind of salad is it? - I don't know.
- Is it mixed greens? I don't know what kind of salad.
I'm eating a salad, okay? I'm doing it.
Do I have to know the names? There's no difference between them.
It's a bowl of weeds.
Some have cheese.
This isn't the kind.
Does that answer your question? Now, how many years have you guys been,"Toby, you eat like a teenager.
Toby, that's red meat.
That's your second cigar.
" Here I am eating a salad, which you could cover in barbecue sauce and it would still taste like the ground, and I'm getting heckled! Who wanted to eat his roast beef sandwich with ketchup on a Kaiser roll and watch the damn tennis on my TV! That's all I'm saying.
Are you really doing everything you can to get her to marry you? Yes, I'm doing everything I can.
What? Excuse me, I'm Joe Quincy.
- They told you I was coming by? - Yeah.
You're the new sawbones.
Donna Moss already got me to say it.
Damn it.
This is Charlie Young.
- Sure.
- How you doing? Your office had requested comments on your draft statement about a decision from the Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals.
If counsel's fine, just have C.
J.
Cregg's office put it out.
Yeah, I saw it was headed there.
The language is incendiary.
I wasn't sure if you knew you couldn't beat up on Appeals and then expect the Supreme Court to hear the case.
Did I beat up on them in the notes for the press comments? - Yes.
- What'd I say? You said, in this case: "The Fourth Circuit lacked the judicial imagination God gave pistachio nuts.
" - They did.
- Perhaps.
Did you think I was gonna have the press secretary on behalf of the president compare a federal judge to a pistachio nut? The language gets cleaned up on C.
J.
's desk.
- That makes sense.
- Toby's distracted by a woman.
And salads.
When you do 10 minutes on Helen Baldwin's book deal, it's righteous.
But I speak my mind after getting poked with a stick, and it's Andy! - Helen Baldwin has a book deal? - Yep.
- Where did you find that out? - I'm glad you asked because it gives me the opportunity to say"Stu Winkle.
" I got it from Stu Winkle.
Post's man-in-the-thick-of-it.
- He's their gossip guy? - Yeah.
- Is he new there? - Yeah.
Okay.
The northwest lobby is is that way? - Yeah.
You just go that way and then, you know, ask somebody else.
Thanks.
Sorry for jumping the gun on the Fourth Circuit.
Joe? - What's going on? - I'm sure it's nothing.
This is just my first day.
Two press inquiries that came to my attention that sounded alike, is all.
Can I get back to you? Make sure you do.
Josh thinks you should advance sales numbers of first homes to the Journal.
The Times got existing home sales.
Know what happens with negotiated press leaks? Two-thirds give us lousy coverage because they're mad they didn't get it.
And the other third doesn't give us better coverage because - What was that? - I don't believe it.
Josh has this guy at his window too.
They see their reflection in the window and they think it's another bird.
What's the learning curve on a bird? Stop it.
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
We thought you were a huge bird knocking on the door.
- Something up with birds? - One's obsessed with Donna.
It's true, I'm like Tippi Hedren around here.
I'm sorry, would you mind if? No.
- Can I close the door? - Donna just did.
You said the science editor, when he came to you with a question I wouldn't worry about Mars.
I just gave you a hard time.
No kidding.
By the way, there was a report.
It was classified by the Defense Department.
- We'll leave that for another time.
- What's the problem? You said the editor had a blind source, that it came from someone else at the paper, and I think I know who.
- Who? A guy named Stu Winkle, who has a new gossip column.
How would he get a story about the Pentagon? - I'd rather not say yet.
- Why? If I'm wrong, it'll be inappropriate that I suggested it and I'll be held in contempt.
- You are wrong.
- No, I'm not.
Stu Winkles don't get tips about the White House suppressing reports.
The NASA report's over.
I'm not concerned with that.
Would you mind calling him to confirm that he's the other reporter? You want me to call Stu Winkle? - He has a new column.
Wish him luck.
- I don't make calls to gossip columnists.
- He's gonna be flattered.
- You won't tell me why? - No.
- Even if I give you assurances that I already hold you in contempt? - Yes.
Carol? Would you get me Stu Winkle at the Washington Post? - I'm sorry? - Stu Winkle at the Post.
- Winkle? - Yes.
- When you get him, here's what you say.
- I know what to say.
"Judicial imagination of pistachio nuts.
" - Can't say that to the Fourth Circuit.
- No.
C.
J.
, you have Stu Winkle on one.
Stu, this is C.
J.
Cregg at the White House.
- Stu? -Oh, my God, it's really you, isn 't it? It is, and I saw you have a new column and I think it's terrific and everyone here at the White House wishes you a lot of luck.
You are the classiest thing for calling me.
- Well .
-You are the classiest thing! You're my hero, C.
J.
Your brilliance and your sense of humor and your clothes.
- Thank you.
-The evening gowns.
Who makes them? Do not tell me you buy off the rack, I'll kill you.
- Well, I'm a girl on a budget.
-Don 't try that on me.
No, really.
Like the party at the Japanese Embassy, you were wearing a dress from Saks.
Stu, I wanted to get you a direct answer to that NASA commission question that Ralph Gish and Katie brought me.
It was the Defense Department, not the White House who classified the report.
Stu? Well, that makes perfect sense.
I hope you don 't mind, it sounded crazy enough, but what do I know? So you've gotta run these things down.
I know you have all the free time in the world but it would be great if we could go for coffee, and I'll tell you why: You may find it hard to believe, but before I got into this stuff I was a serious journalist.
I don 't mean "boring" serious, but the more More than the celebrity fluff.
The embarrassing thing is, I was so green I spent thousands of dollars on a J- School sheepskin from Columbia.
Of course, that and a metro card will get you a ride on the subway, right? After that, I spent two years getting people's coffee at Town & Country before I realized I was better off getting experiences in the trenches.
I freelanced my butt off.
I wrote about AIDS orphans, Mississippi flood victims a series on homeless teenagers, race riots and rural problems in the Midwest.
And I felt good about myself.
But that stuff pays the same as if I sat with Angela Moviestar for an hour and let the tape recorder transcribe her blathering about her boyfriend and what a risk her new role is.
Let somebody else get a Pulitzer Prize.
I need to maximize the amount I can make per hour.
Now that I've been doing this for like 10 years, I wanna use this position at the Post to get my toes back into Stu, thank you very much.
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
Well, I cannot tell you how class Carol? - Yeah.
- I need to see Josh and Toby.
And Joe needs to see the vice president.
Okay.
I want Cairo to focus on legal and regulatory reforms.
We've got the whole regulatory agenda left over from last time.
- We do.
- Seriously, the whole agenda is left over.
And Vice President Abou El-Azm wants the trade and investment framework.
Yeah, my point is we can get to that in a closed-door session.
You understand, it can't appear as if I'm saying the Syrian question is less urgent.
Yes, sir.
Well, it's been a long day.
- We're done.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you, Mr.
Vice President.
Guys, do me a favor.
Don't go home yet.
Wait for me a minute, okay? - Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir.
Good evening, Mr.
Vice President.
Good evening.
- You brought friendly faces.
- Sir? You brought friendly faces.
That was considerate.
- You're Joe Quincy? - Yes, sir.
- This is your first day? - Yes, sir.
They're gonna put your picture up someplace.
You're gonna get honored at a luncheon.
We were just meeting in here.
I have a bilateral commission with the vice president of Egypt.
It's in Cairo this year.
We see how legal and financial systems can attract foreign investments.
So look out for ShopEgypt.
Org, I suppose.
- You're going to tell me I'm not going.
- Mr.
Vice President have you been having an affair with Helen Baldwin while here? - He's asking because - I should hit you in the face.
- He's asking because - I know why he's asking.
I know why he's asking.
I understand why you're here.
I've spoken with C.
J.
Yes.
And I like to show off.
I said things.
I said I'd seen proof of life on Mars.
I said I'd intervened at the Justice Department put 100,000 computers in the classrooms which I thought made me sound like a good guy.
- What, did you hear a rumor once? - Yes, sir.
You saw Helen had a book deal, you knew she must've teased them.
It's a tell-all.
A couple items in gossip columns, maybe the guy was the science editor's contact? Yes, sir.
Well, you earned your money today.
This could've been bad but you found it early.
- What do I do now? - Sir, I'm an associate counsel.
This is my first day.
I've spoken to Oliver Babish, who's gotten on a plane What do I do now? I think you've gotta talk to your family now, sir.
Thanks.
- Thank you, Mr.
Vice President.
- Thank you, Mr.
Vice President.
Thank you, sir.
- I hope I didn't see you smile in there.
- You didn't.
Josh, you didn't.
- Gas masks.
- Yes.
- Something with gas masks.
- Sing to me, Lauren Romano.
I'm Lauren Romano.
- Keep going with the gas masks.
- Mothers barely able to even see their children through the haze of gas masks.
You rode it right off the rails, didn't you? I did.
Anyone else think it's weird that Toby had a salad? Anyone else think it's weird that Lauren Romano's still talking about it? I'm Lauren Romano.
Clear blue sky.
The camera tilts down into a slowly thickening Listen to this: Clear blue sky.
The camera tilts down into a slowly thickening haze until it levels on a suburban street.
An SUV filled with Mom, Dad, the kids, same actors from the other ad, and Rex.
They get out and they're wearing gas masks.
We've also got one where the family's towing Saudis in a U-Haul.
Doesn't have the feel of high-minded debate, does it? - No, but actually you don't want it to.
- Why not? We're countering an attack ad.
And when you're in the trenches But we're not in the trenches.
Two bodies of government are debating fuel efficiency at the highest level.
We're not in the trenches.
I don't know.
I know it's a 15-second spot.
You gotta scare them.
I just don't feel like doing that tonight.
Will, you need to come with me.
I need to tell you what's about to happen.
- You've talked to Suzanne? - I'm sorry, sir? - You've talked to Suzanne? - Yeah.
- What happened? - You know what happened.
Tell me again.
How many times? When did it start? - I don't think it matters.
- Mr.
Vice President for this moment tonight, I'm gonna be in charge of deciding what matters.
Forty-seven phone calls.
Did you not know that the White House keeps records of phone calls? Did you not know that? - How many times? When did it start? - It is none of your business.
- I'm about to read about it in a book.
- Then read about it.
Didn't it ever occur to you that she might do this? No.
I didn't think she would.
You were wrong.
Do you think there's anyone else behind this? - I don't know.
- You think she was coached by Republican leadership? - I don't know.
- If we're gonna weather this, then - We're not gonna weather this.
- We will.
- We won't.
I'm resigning.
If we're gonna do this we've gotta start tonight, now.
- I need you thinking now and not - Sir, I'm resigning the vice presidency.
- What about"None of your business.
" - I leaked classified information.
It is their business.
It's also a felony.
- Are you in a position to deny it? - No.
She's made a seven-figure book deal.
- Not gonna have credibility.
- Since when does she need credibility? Apologize and move on.
Accept responsibility.
You don't need to disclose details.
She's gonna take care of that for you.
You'll be the special for two months, then you can get the nomination.
I'm not getting the nomination.
In the middle of MS, it looked like we couldn't recover.
We did! Which is why it's never gonna happen again.
That was the one you get.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Vice President, if my multiple sclerosis was a bummer for your sex life.
How the hell did you do this to us? You can't resign, John.
It's a terrible signal to send.
Sir if I stay, it sabotages an entire agenda and you know I'm right.
The party's gonna need a candidate who can win.
And I think the least I can do for Suzanne is not to drag her through it.
Is there more? Is there another shoe? If it's a series I'd imagine she's gonna You'll still get dragged through it.
It won't change anything.
Only now, you're gonna be there alone with no apparatus for a comeback which I'm telling you you can do.
You can make it.
I can help you.
I don't wanna take my family through it.
You're a giant, John.
You're a U.
S.
senator, the vice president of the United States and presumptive nominee of your party.
You cannot be taken down by this cheap person and her customers, huddled around Macy's waiting for someone to turn themselves inside out.
It's cause for divorce not resignation.
You can't be taken down by this cheap person.
The president knows I'm right.
So do you.
The truth is, I took an oath too.
So .
Didn't you have any sense that this was the kind of person who would do this? Hasn't it been your experience that they look much like the people who wouldn't? Well, I want you to sleep on it.
I want all of us to sleep on it.
Thank you, Mr.
President.
Why did you take a cab? - My car wouldn't start.
- I'm sorry? My car wouldn't start.
You know what's in here? It's okay.
Okay.
Yeah, we're gonna need a new vice president.