The Worst Week of My Life (2004) s01e03 Episode Script

- Eve.
- Brought the ring.
Have you swallowed it? I thought my daughter was marrying some kind of weirdo.
(Screams) The speed of the cement mixer would've crushed his skull in seconds.
Well, thank you very much, arsehole.
I reminded Giles how lucky he is to be with me, and he dumped me! How do I get a ring out of a dog, set in concrete? It's a shame not to have seen the ring.
Oh, my God! If it's not one thing, it's another.
I want to make love to you.
Aaaghhh! - Who was it? - No one.
(Both laugh) Hello, Howard.
Morning, honey.
I've just nipped to the bakery and got you some croissants.
Fresh.
And a peppermint tea.
And there's a little wet wipe there for the crumbs.
- You all right? - Yes, I'm fine thanks, Howard.
Bit tired.
But what can I expect after half the night detaching my fiancé's mistress from the bed? Cassie's not my mistress.
I had a one-night stand with her two years ago.
Well, if there are any other women lurking in the background, it might be nice to know, especially since it's our wedding on Saturday! No.
No one comes to mind.
Oh, well that is a bonus.
Enjoy your breakfast.
Look, Mum, it was an accident.
Howard wouldn't do that.
He's not like that.
Mum, don't be silly.
(Sighs) Mum, I've a million things to do - presents for the ushers, bridesmaids OK, OK.
Yep, bye.
Everything OK? They're burying Binky at four this afternoon.
Mum wants me to go down.
Was she, er saying something about me? - She's at a low ebb, she didn't mean it.
- What did she say? - It doesn't matter, she's not herself.
- Mel what did she say? She thinks you murdered Binky.
Now, item four on my best man's list.
There's a 72% chance of rain on Saturday, so should I get 20 umbrellas to shelter the guests to the church? Why would I want to kill my future mother-in-law's dog? Or I could get some polythene, lay a mud-free pathway.
(Mobile rings) - Hello? - Howard, it's Cassie.
- God, can't you stalk someone else? - Listen, I've got to give you something - I haven't got time for this.
- It's important.
I don't care.
Just five minutes, and I'll never bother you again.
I can't, I've got a dog funeral to go to.
Please, Howard, you owe me five minutes, at least.
- And you'll never bother me again? - Yeah.
OK, where are you? The Crofton.
Yeah, I know it.
OK, I'll see you there at one.
May I continue? Now, the cutting of the cake.
I would like to offer my father's ceremonial sword, - lend the occasion a bit of class.
- Sword? Yes.
- Sorry, can we talk about this later - For God's sake, I need some decisions! I'm sorry.
I just want the wedding to go off without a hitch.
- You want to ignore all my best ideas - I'm sorry - I wanted matching waistcoats but you - I know l've been planning this for months.
It's a very big day for me.
Ben, please, I couldn't do this without you.
In fact, to say thank you, I got you this.
Bloody hell.
Must've cost a few quid.
And are you still seeing that nurse you brought to lan's 40th? Yes.
Then I think these might come in handy.
- Right, what's all this about? - There's a rum and Coke, your favourite.
Cassie, I haven't really got much time.
- I just wanted to say goodbye.
- Goodbye? Yeah.
I'm flying to my brother's place in Italy this afternoon.
- I need some time to get over all this.
- Right.
Yeah, well, you obviously love Mel and I can't make you change your mind so it's time for me to move on.
Ohh.
Oh, Cassie, I'm l'm I'm so glad you've sorted yourself out.
Can't spend my whole life worrying whether you'll fall in love with me.
Very sensible.
Anyway, I wanted to give you this before I left.
You gave it to me when you came back from that conference in Stuttgart, - do you remember? - Oh, yeah.
He's called Howie.
Sits on my telly but - it's too painful a reminder now.
- Right.
Look after him.
I will.
- Cheers.
- Bon voyage! (Chuckles) - (Groans) - Thanks so much, it's very kind of you.
- Sure you don't want the doctor? - No, no.
- Didn't have the venison, did he? - No, he just never knows when to stop.
- (Slurred) What did you put in my drink? - I haven't put anything in it, I think it's too much drink you've put in yourself.
- On the bed? - Yes, might as well.
- Anything else, madam? - No, that's fine.
I'll undress him.
- (Burglar alarm countdown) - Yep? Oh, Mel, hi.
Er, no, he left me about two hours ago.
Well, I think he was meeting someone at a hotel.
The Crofton.
Yeah.
Mel, I'm glad you phoned.
Do you think I should get hold of some umbrellas, just to shelter the Don't blame me if you get soaked.
(Screams) - What the hell's going on? - Come back to bed, Howard.
For God's sake, w what did you put in my drink? Just rum and Coke.
Oh, and a dash of Rohypnol.
- Wh what's happened here? - It's been wonderful.
Come on, let's do it again.
Again? No, no.
no, we can't've done anything.
I was unconscious.
If that's what you want to think Oh, no.
Oh no, no, no! I know deep down this is where you want to be.
With me.
- Aaarghh, get off! - Come to Mummy.
- I don't wanna be with you.
- You do want to be with me.
I don't want to be with you! Cassie.
Cassie! Give me my clothes.
Give me back my clothes.
Cassie! There's no sign in the restaurant or bar.
Erm, is there anywhere else he can be? - I can check the conference list.
- Can I have a cab, please? Sharpish, I'm meant to be at a dog's funeral at four.
Well, come on.
- Mel? - Howard? - Forget the cab.
- Howard, what's going on? - I've been upstairs with Cassie.
- What? Room 902.
You didn't even say goodbye! (Screams) (Crash) So she drugged you, stripped you, didn't have sex with you and threw your clothes out the window? - Yes.
- We have got to involve the police.
Like they'll believe that story.
- Did you have sex? - Of course not.
- How do you know? You were drugged.
- Mel, a man knows.
That said, it might not be a great idea to tell your parents.
Like I'm going to tell them you're being stalked by your ex-lover.
Oh, by the way, I thought I might give your parents their presents today.
- Why? - Just thought it might cheer them up.
Perfume for Mum, and I got your dad this really smart wristwatch.
Bloody hell.
- Hi, Sophie.
- Hi.
Howard, I've decided to forgive you for destroying my life.
Oh.
Thanks very much.
- And I'm sorry I called you an arsehole.
- That's all right.
I mean you were a bit of an arsehole.
Maybe not a complete arsehole but certainly an arse.
Right.
Well, that's cleared that up.
(Mel) Howard.
Sorry, one sec.
gDidn't realise he was so well-loved.
This is ridiculous.
- Hello, Dad.
- Hello, darling.
- This is all a bit over the top, isn't it? - Yes.
I'm afraid your mother's not coping very well at the moment.
- Hello, Dick.
- Howard.
Er, RSVP from the Bowyers.
Oh, right.
About time.
- Pretty good run down today.
- Right.
Not much in the way of traffic.
Some roadworks just outside Chertsey.
- Do you know the ones? - No.
I think they're widening the road.
- On the high street, by Furniture Village.
- I don't know.
Furniture Village on the left, offices in front, on the right there's a car park.
- No.
- Just before the roundabout.
- I'm sorry.
- By the bottle bank.
I don't know those roadworks.
Oh, well, erm They didn't hold us up so Ahh, that's lovely.
- Been in court this morning? - No.
I had to change my affairs today.
There's a funeral for our family pet.
Yes, of course.
- Hello, Mum.
- Thank you for coming.
Bless you.
- Ohh, how are you bearing up, Angela? - Oh you know.
Yeah.
I know, it's awful.
That's the terrible thing about accidents.
You know, somehow, if there's an intention there we can make sense of it, but accidents, I mean The thing is there's no one to blame.
It's just a bloody waste of dog.
Anyway, as I've got you here I, er, went shopping this morning.
and I bought you these.
Just as small tokens of my respect for you both and my delight at becoming part of your family.
- Oh, that's very kind of you, Howard.
- Mm.
If there's anything I can do to help with the funeral, just say the word.
Would you mind giving Fraser a hand? I don't think he can manage on his own.
- When did Uncle Fraser arrive? - Seven o'clock this morning.
That's all I needed, what with Binky.
(Sobs) Why don't we pop your things in the spare room? Of course.
Angela, if it's not you please tell me.
And Dick, likewise.
Ohh, perfume.
How lovely! Jesus Christ.
- What is it? - 30 flavoured condoms.
What? All her favourite flavours, including chicken tikka.
- (Knock) - Hello? - Howard! - Yes.
Fraser, Mel's uncle.
Angela tells me you're lending a hand with the poor mutt.
Heard a lot about you, Fraser.
Nice to meet you.
- Aaaghh! - Come on! - Let's see what you're made of.
- Aaagh! - Had enough? - Yes! - Come on.
- Yes! Ow.
Oh, Jesus! - Once a soldier, always a soldier.
- Oh, that's all right, then.
- Took you by surprise, eh? - Yes.
Yes, you did, well done.
Could've snapped your arm off at the shoulder socket.
You never forget SAS survival training.
Could you survive nine days, with no food, in the Burmese jungle? - Probably not.
- Little tip watch the monkeys.
If a monkey eats it, so can you.
I'll bear it in mind next time I'm in the Burmese jungle.
Angela has asked me to say a few words, so We're all here to say goodbye to Binky, so tragically snatched from us by a cement mixer.
They say a man's best friend is his dog but not every dog knows, necessarily, who his friends are.
To many of us here, Binky was more than just a friend.
(Wails) He was a cherished member of our family, who all have their own fond memories of him.
(Mobile rings) Actually I'd better get this.
Erm carry on.
- Eve, not a good time.
- You'll never guess! I was in M & S about an hour ago, buying some mini kievs and I suddenly remembered a pet shop in Kentish Town, and there it was! Oh, a Scottie dog that almost exactly matches little Binky.
Yes! That was Eve, got a surprise for your mother.
- That's nice.
- So who are all these people? Erm that's Jean Coop, she bred Binky, Mrs Hodges, Mum's cleaning lady, Dennis, he does the garden and the two lesbians who run the kennels.
Everyone you'd expect to see at a dog's wake.
- And d'you think they all hate me? - Probably.
I keep getting these looks.
I think I should say something.
- Howard - Sorry to interrupt 'Scuse me, sorry.
Erm, I just thought I should say a few words.
I'm Howard, Mel's fiancé and erm First of all I'd like to say how sorry I am that we're meeting in such tragic but very accidental circumstances.
I know that Binky meant a lot to you all.
To June Coop, who bred him and brought old Binky into the world.
To you two, who saw him happy as Larry, as he trotted about the place.
And to his two les erm lady friends, who I don't quite know how you two fit in but the point is we'll all miss him in our own way.
And, hey, that's a shame Big shame.
Erm Well, that's all I wanted to say, really.
So, now a toast er To Binky.
(All) Binky.
You will show me your speech for Saturday, won't you? I think this is what he would've wanted.
I think he would've wanted not to have been hurled into a cement mixer.
Yes.
Point taken.
- I see you're not wearing your present.
- What? Perhaps you're saving it for Saturday.
The big day.
Hope it's not too tight.
I, er I didn't know your size.
I got the assistant to try it on, looked about the same size as you.
They go on forever, those things.
Swiss.
My father gave me one for my sixteenth birthday.
- It hasn't let me down once.
- (Clinks glasses) - Howard, Giles just phoned.
- Oh good.
- Yeah, he wants to patch things up.
- Bravo.
He wants to take me to Paris for the weekend but I'm not sure if I wanna have sex with someone of his age any more.
How old is he? - Erm, I dunno, about your age.
- Oh.
(Chuckles) I wouldn't write off us more experienced men.
I think you'll find what we lack in athleticism we make up for in technique.
- Are you coming on to me again? - No, no, no, I'm just saying, in a fulfilling sexual relationship, age shouldn't matter.
Right.
Thanks.
- Are you OK, Dick? - D'you know what he just said to me? - Who? - Howard.
- He asked if I was wearing his present.
- No.
He didn't know if it would fit but the shop assistant was my size so he got him to try it on.
He said it was Swiss.
- Swiss? - And that he'd had one since he was 16 - and it hadn't let him down once.
- Oh, no.
There must be some mix-up.
I didn't know the Swiss made condoms.
(Owl hoots) Is, erm, Angela not joining us? No, she's having a lie-down.
Been an emotional day.
You know, in Korea they eat dogs.
- Fraser! - If we were in Korea, Binky would in that casserole by now.
Dick, I don't know if you were listening to local radio earlier.
The traffic news.
Er, those roadworks that we were talking about, outside Chertsey.
Gone.
- Arsehole! - (Mel) Sophie! - You arsehole! - Thought we'd established that I wasn't? He said that I should have sex with someone of his age.
- What? - Yeah.
He said that men of his age have better shagging technique.
Howard! No, no, I said that age shouldn't matter in a fulfilling sexual relationship.
- What? - Not with me.
Well, thank you, arsehole, I took your advice, again, and I phoned Giles, and guess what.
He's going to Paris with Tanya bloody Hamilton! - Dick, I think I should say - Talk to him! - What? - Tell Giles that he can't dump me.
- Sophie, stop it! - But it's his fault! - Hello? - Tell him I want to go to Paris! Howard Steel.
Yes, engaged to Mel, that's right.
- Oh, thank you very much.
- Tell him! Giles, slightly odd request but Sophie's asked me to talk about your relationship.
Well, strictly speaking it isn't any of my business, but You couldn't possibly know that because you've never met me.
Now that's just rude, erm (Whispers) I'll take this outside.
Giles (Whispers) This is absolutely nothing to do with me - (Line goes dead) - Giles, hello, Giles? No, no, no, Giles, you listen to me.
(Phone rings) Hello? Hi Giles.
I'd love to go to Paris.
You say that, but I'm part of this family now and I know that Dick and Angela won't allow their wonderful daughter to be messed around by some grotty little upstart like you.
(Chuckles) - (Howard) That's right, matey - Giles, just don't see her any more, OK? I am laying down the law.
So what you're gonna do is take my sister-in-law to Paris and give her the time of her life or you'll answer to me.
Oh, yes, you are, Giles, and before you do that you're gonna pick up the phone and apologise to Sophie right now! He just has.
(Rapping at door) Ah, sorry to interrupt, old chap.
Thought I could smell something.
- I was smoking.
- Didn't know you smoked.
I've just started again.
Jungle training, you see.
You often smell the enemy before you hear or see him.
- Really? - Little tip for you.
Rub dog's urine all over your body and a chasing dog will ignore the scent.
- What? - Yep.
You see the dog will think it's himself.
Yeah, but you'd have to know what dog was gonna chase you.
I'm not with you.
You'd need a sample of that dog's urine in advance.
No, you've lost me.
You can't keep a bank of every dog's urine.
Think of all the dogs.
You'd need a bloody warehouse, and then what would be the chances of picking the right sample anyway? - It worked for me.
Take it or leave it.
- (Mobile rings) Sorry, Fraser.
- Ben.
- Great news! Friend of mine in the City just gave us 30 of his firm's umbrellas.
- Oh, excellent, well done, mate.
- So nobody should get wet - and it won't cost you a thing.
- Fantastic news.
And Howard, thank you so much for the wristwatch.
- What? - The wristwatch, it's magnificent.
You should've got the condoms.
Mel's dad should've got the wris Condoms? Howard? What've you got Dick's watch for? You stupid bastard! - I gave your dad condoms.
- What? - 30 flavours.
- I don't understand I've gotta tell him.
Howard! Hello? Is that you, Dick? (Dick) I'm bushed.
I'm going to turn in.
I've had enough today.
Good night, then.
Fraser said he was smoking in his room.
- Who? - Howard.
- Did you know he smoked? - No.
- He kept that quiet, then.
- Mm.
(Sighs) She had the pick of every single man in London.
She had to pick him.
I think he really loves her, though, Dick.
You think of some of her other boyfriends.
You didn't like any of them.
- Their appeal now increases by the hour.
- Ohh, don't be so silly.
- Anyway, I liked Alec Banneman.
- No, you didn't.
- You been drinking, Angela? - (Giggles) Only a couple of glasses.
Doctor told you, not while you're on the Valium.
I feel great.
Oh, come on, Mr Pug, I'll take that silly old frown away.
Angela.
(Angela moans) - (Springs creak) - (Both) Ohh.
(lncreasingly frequent moans) (Dick) That's it, that's it!