Titan Maximum (2009) s01e06 Episode Script

Dirty Lansbury

There are many realities in the Omniverse! Countless parallel worlds for I, the Peeper to jack off to.
What makes these events particularly strokeable? All will be revealed, dear viewer In time.
Palmer! Sasha! You've gotta see this! I think this box we found on Eris is connected to the discs we found on those monsters! Cut to the chase, butt nut.
Some of us have to stuff.
Yeah, my hangover isn't going to pour itself a gin and tonic.
Watch! Amazing, right? This is how Gibbs is controlling the creatures! It doesn't matter how he's doing it, teeth What matters is that we don't know where he is! I I think do.
Jodi! We thought you'd given up on us.
And by "we" I mean "I," and by "thought" I mean "hoped," and by "given up" I mean "died," and by "on us" I mean "in a fire," and by "period" I mean "disappointed ellipsis.
" I saw Gibbs.
What? On Dione.
He followed me there.
I tried to arrest him, but he escaped.
Ha! Hope you didn't try to arrest him with your vagina.
Ew! Don't call it that.
Wait, so you know where that turdball is? I'm sure it's Mercury.
His ship was sporting brand-new, aftermarket shield boosters and surplus coolant, stuff you only need when you're spending a lot of time that close to the sun.
Well that's where our grandparents live! Everyone's grandparents are on Mercury.
Thank God my grandparents are dead.
Psst! Palmer! Didn't you think little Miss Prefect's story was a little fishy? C'mon, this is Jodi we're talking about.
She's such a goody-goody, she poops halos! You idiots are on the public channel.
Yeah, I know.
Jodi's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday! Haha! I don't get it.
Attention! Foreign military ships are not allowed through the solar shield Don't get a hard-on, Mercury control, we're cleared for grandparent visitation.
Ah yes.
Access granted.
Set thrusters to "quiet" and turn down your stereo.
There's a spot! Nope, handicapped.
Handicapped.
Gee, handicapped.
They're all handicapped! This planet sucks! No monster activity.
Not yet.
Then let's kill some time at a strip bar and hope the sag factor isn't too nauseati tator tots!!! Young man, aren't you here on a grandparent visitation visa? Er, what I meant was, let's do what we came here to do and visit our cherished elders.
Yay! Mamo and Bampo! Sasha, you stick with Jodi? Sure! [Sighs.]
[rap music plays.]
SASHA: Ugh.
Old people dances are so lame.
You'll be old someday too, Sasha.
I don't think so.
All great musicians die young.
So you'll be 150.
"Durrrrr! Durr! Okay, Jodi so funny!" Jodi! Is that you? Gammy! Oh, my! Let me get a look at you! Gammy, this is my, uh- Sasha Caylo, ma'am.
It's my pleasure to meet you.
What a polite young lady! What can you tell me about Jodi's childhood? Ooh! Was there bed-wetting? Oh, sweetheart, you got so big! Think you could take your old granddad? Think you could? Yeah, I'd beat your ass.
Palmer honey, what kind of cookies would you like? I dunno.
Make a bunch of kinds, then I'll choose.
[Groans.]
Here's Jodi winning her first spelling bee.
And these are Jodi's report cards.
Spoiler alert They're all A's.
[Scoffs.]
I almost got an "A" once Ooh I think that just bumped you up to an A-minus.
[Muffled.]
What? A-minuth? I'm sorry, but this blow job was due two weeks ago.
Aaahh! Did I just tell that story out loud, or was it all in my head? What's the matter, boy? Palmer's super-cool and he's done tons of stuff! But I haven't done anything at all! Haven't done anything? Ha! Why, I remember All right! Yeah! You shake my brains And you shatter my nerves Bampo! Those are all stories about Palmer! Heh.
You know me.
Once I get started on Palmer Come to think of it, why do you call him by his last name? Palmer's my name too! And yours! Yeah, but your brother, he really made it his own wait a minute! I forgot Palmer was here! Out of the way! Oh, Willie-silly cakes.
You have accomplished a lot! Really, Mamo? Like when? Remember the day of the great race? My steering wheel is a tupperware lid.
Oh cool! [Snickers.]
I can't lose! ANNOUNCER: Racers ready! Set Go! Ball bearings maximized electronic gravity balancers at full capacity! Uh-oh! Better form Titan Maximum! Yeah! You're in trouble now! Gaaaaaaaaaaaarrgh!!! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Well that was- Ah-ah-ah! Let me finish! [Screaming continues.]
[Screaming, grunting in pain.]
[Screaming, crying.]
MAN: The kid's on fire! MAN: Throw more hay at him! As part of the settlement with the city, you were awarded first place! I did do that! And do you know what? I think it's finally time to redeem this hug! Whoops! This is expired.
Okay, I've got a dirty lansbury, a filthy hip replacement, and who ordered the get off my lawn? Oh my God, I'm in hell.
Gammy, I I lied earlier.
Things aren't really going well at all.
What do you mean, dear? I'm making bad decisions.
Crazy bad.
I don't deserve to be on the team Young lady, every single time you've faced an insurmountable challenge, you've kicked that challenge square in the balls.
I remember you scum-stains wanna win next week's competition? Then you gotta think like the right arm! You gotta become the right arm! I'd like to try out too sir? This scum-rag wants to be the right arm of Titan Maximum! Ain't no girl never been Titan Maximum's right arm! Dudes train their right arms nonstop! Maybe they're right.
Maybe a girl can't be Titan Maximum's right arm.
Rrrrrgh!!! And We're done.
Dammit! Mister, you're amazing! Can you teach me to do that? I swore I'd never train another soul not after that night Oh.
Well, okay.
Hey! Thought you'd be more persistent.
No, seriously, name's Tap Bannister, I give lessons all the time.
What's first? Push-ups? Isometrics? Girl, look at these pipe cleaners, huh? Does it look like I've done a push-up my whole damn life? Arm wrestling's all in the fingers that's the secret! Hmm think I'm playing? Check out this insanity.
Bunny, horsey, ducky, ten speed bike, Eddie Van Halen, Titanic, Titanic sinking, scene from Titanic where Leo drew Kate.
Whoa.
Cadet Yanarella! You're up! I'm ready for battle, sir! Well, saddle up, scum-pot! This is gonna be like takin' candy from a baby on a cakewalk! [Laughs.]
Uh, sorry, no hats.
Scumbags ready! [Blows whistle.]
Take it! Take it [straining.]
All! Ha! Wh? Scumbelievable.
Women are our masters now!!! [Grunting.]
Oh, no! [Groaning.]
[Groaning, crying.]
I did it! Congratulations, you disgusting, scum-ass pig! You're the new right arm of Titan Maximum! I won! Where's Tap? I want to thank him! Tap? Little lady, Tap died 16 years ago.
What? It was a night just like this one Tap Bannister? Oh, Tap Bannister.
I think he's taking a leak.
Whew, we almost had a bone-chilling moment there.
You became the right arm of Titan Maximum.
Thanks, Gammy.
I feel a whole lot better.
That's a grandparent's job.
And a grandchild's job is to make us proud.
Jodi, you make me so very, very proud, no matter what.
We interrupt Mercury's number one sitcom, Stewed Prunes, for this breaking news bulletin.
New details about the solar system's most wanted villain! What is the notorious Gibbs getting into now? Answer Jodi Yanarella of Titan Force Five, according to this newly released video! Say my name! No, spell it! Spell my name! G i b s- it has two bs! Start over! G i you're dead to me.
Gammy Hey, what'd I miss? JODI ON TV: Yes! Yes! Yes! PEEPER: Now there's an awkward family moment.
Even the Peeper shouldn't jack off to this.
Or should he?
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