Top Gear (2002) s10e05 Episode Script
Fastest Way Across London
Tonight, The Stig tests a Tube train, Richard tests a pair of shorts and I try my hand at running.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hello and welcome.
Welcome.
Welcome to an award-winning Top Gear.
Yeah.
We've got a gong for the best factual program, which is astonishing when you think we haven't actually put a fact in the show for the last five years.
No matter.
We're kicking off tonight with Richard Hammond - not in shorts.
He is, in fact, in an Aston Martin.
This is it, the new V8 Vantage Roadster.
And it's pig-ugly.
Actually, though, it's not, is it? It's unbelievably gorgeous.
Not only is it a looker, it's also got the same 4.
3 liter, 380 horsepower V8 as you get in the Vantage Coupé, which means it makes the same noise.
Oh! That alone is worth 90,000 of the 91-grand asking price.
But let's not get carried away.
Because when Aston hack the top off a car, they're perfectly capable of turning a good sports car into a soggy blancmange.
The DB9, for instance, is fabulous to drive as a hard-top, but much less than fabulous as a roadster.
The question is, have they made the same mistake here? Not exactly.
Usually when they make a cabrio version, they have to soften it up because it can't handle all that sporty treatment.
But the chassis on this roadster is so stiff, they can actually give it firmer suspension.
Result? It actually likes going round corners.
Yes! So, a roadster that drives like a hard-top.
And though it pains me to say it, this thing makes a 911 look like a bit of a minger.
There are, however, a few reminders that although Aston is now privately owned, this car came from the Ford era.
And that it was indeed conceived by Ford's crack team of accountants.
The key fob might have a nice, classy, leather back, but actually it's taken straight from a 20-grand Volvo.
And this screen here for all the computer functions looks like it came off an Amstrad in 1985.
And why, when they got someone to record the voice commands, did they choose the warder from a women's prison? Turn right.
But I'm nitpicking because, really, this is a great car.
Top speed is 175 mph.
Naught to 60 takes 4.
9 seconds.
Often at this point we like to demonstrate a car's straight-line performance by having a drag race.
Today is no exception.
But we thought rather than a drag race against another car, we'd have one against a man.
He's called Dirk Auer and he's from Germany.
Now, if he's going to race me, I'd be stupid to let him hang on to my coat-tails.
And Dirk agrees.
Which is why he's got three jet engines, together making 300 horsepower, that he's going to strap to his back.
Kitted out with an aerodynamic helmet and special inline skates, this human cruise missile claims he can hit 120 mph.
Time to find out if that's just hot air.
Aston Martin say this car will do a quarter-mile in just over 13 seconds.
He didn't even flinch when I told him that.
So let's see what happens when Britain and Germany, in quite an odd way, I must admit, go to battle once again.
If you told people you'd had a dream in which you'd drag-raced an Aston Martin against a man on jet-powered roller skates, people would tell you to lay off the strong cheese at night.
We're away! I can't believe how quickly that thing gets off the line! We're level-pegging! He's on roller skates! Come on! Yeah! I won! I beat a man on roller skates! In an Aston Martin! Yes! Right, it's now time to move on and for me to drive a car.
It's called the Caparo T1 and it's possibly the most amazing, maybe the fastest, and almost certainly the scariest car ever made.
Remarkable-looking thing, isn't it? And even more remarkable when you notice that it has lights and indicators.
And space for a passenger.
What you're looking at here, then, is the first realistic attempt to make a Formula-0ne-style car that you can use on the road.
It hasn't had a particularly easy birth.
At the press launch, a Dutch journalist was in it when some aspect of the front suspension came adrift and it speared off into the undergrowth.
Then, at the Goodwood Festival of Speed, the throttle jammed wide open.
And that happened again when Fifth Gear were testing it.
And then, at 150 mph, it caught fire massively, burning the driver, Jason Plato, quite badly on the hand, the neck and the face.
And now it's my turn.
Because of this car's violent history and the immense speeds it can achieve, the BBC has insisted we beef up our safety precautions.
This is what we normally use - a van with some sticking plasters and aspirin in it.
Today, though, we have enough to deal with a medium-sized plane crash.
Caparo themselves say I'm not allowed to drive it unless I wear a full-face crash helmet and one of these Nomex romper suits, presumably so that if something goes wrong all my organs will be held together in one sort of big, fireproof bag make me easier to collect.
So, everything is in place.
I'm in.
So, first of all, we have to put the steering wheel on.
Goes on the other way up.
That's what it does.
Seat belts.
Right.
On.
The fire-extinguisher system master switch on.
Ignition.
It's a road car so it'll probably be quite quiet.
Here we go.
No, no, it isn't quiet.
If this all goes wrong, er, I'll do the Team America secret signal.
OK.
Horn works.
Here we go.
Well, I don't know what the fuss is all about.
This is very safe.
I can see no danger here at all.
Designed by the same people who brought you the McLaren F1, the Caparo has a 3.
5 liter V8 race engine which delivers 575 horsepower.
That is a huge amount in a car that weighs about the same as a patio heater.
As a result, it has twice as much brake horsepower per tonne as a Bugatti Veyron.
Twice as much.
In a road car, that is a truly terrifying prospect.
So far, though, all four wheels are still on.
Yeah.
The throttle has not jammed open and there is no fire.
So er goodbye, safety people.
Oh, my God! God Almighty! You can forget Enzos, you can forget Koenigseggs.
This is in a different league.
It does naught to 60 in 2.
5 seconds.
Naught to 100 in five and it'll still be going like a bee out of hell all the way up to 205 where, hopefully, the twin tail-planes, like you get on an SR71 Blackbird spy-plane, will keep it stable.
And the braking! Oh, God! You couldn't stop more quickly if you ran into a tree.
Here we go again!! To experience anything like this you would have to be in a Formula 3000 car.
This is acceleration like I have never, ever experienced.
And then the floor came off.
I'm gonna do the secret signal.
Thankfully, it wasn't a big job and soon the T1 was back.
And then there was a problem with the fuel.
Wasn't turning out to be very reliable, this.
And then there's the price.
I don't really know how to soften the blow on this so I'll come straight out with it.
It's L235,000.
Really, then, the only people fit, brave and rich enough to buy such a car are Premiership footballers.
I'm sure Mr.
Rooney will like the speed and the looks very much.
But he's in for a nasty surprise when he gets it back from the menders because this is about as good at taking corners as he is.
Oh, no, that is a lot of understeer.
Oh, that is a lot of understeer there.
Got my foot on the power but there's so much power in this I'm just gonna spin out.
Oh, God, this is a disaster! The shape has been designed so the air flowing over it will press the car into the road.
It'll actually generate 3g in a fast bend.
Unfortunately, in a slow bend the air isn't moving over the body quickly enough and you have almost no grip at all.
Look at it snaking, fighting for grip that just isn't there.
If the tires are cold the problem is ten times worse.
And if the road is wet it'll spin up the rears through third and fourth.
If you try to go round a normal roundabout at a normal speed in this, you're gonna have a huge accident.
When this thing goes on sale, there isn't gonna be a ditch in the land, or a hedgerow, that isn't full of Premiership footballers all broken and on fire.
Because of this car, I wouldn't be at all surprised if Grimsby Town won this year's FA Cup.
And you haven't got room to move in it.
You know, you're sort of But let me just Hang on.
To generate enough downforce to get round a corner, you have to go really fast? Yes.
Brilliant excuse for the police.
"I had to go round that corner, Officer, at 1,000 mph, "cos if I was doing 30 I would have crashed.
" But don't you think The thing I like about this is that it's amazing that this is allowed.
Because, I mean, there's a regulation that says that headlight has to be that height, they have to put the seat belts in, but there are no laws governing how fast it can go.
No, and we must now find out how fast it goes round our track.
Which means, of course, we have to hand it over to someone who understands downforce.
Some say that to unlock him you have to run your finger down his face.
Like that.
And that if he were getting divorced from Paul McCartney he'd keep his stupid, whining mouth shut.
All we know is he's called The Stig.
And he's offl And he's gone already.
Little bit of wheel spin there.
Now he's heading down to the first corner fairly fast.
There should be just about enough downforce to get him round.
Look at the speed he's going in therel Tail kicked out a little bit.
It's snaking.
Now he's got to build up the speed again.
so no self-help.
As he turns into Chicago, running a bit wide.
The understeer kicking in.
Not much he can do about that.
Now he's just back on that 3.
5 liter engine, into the Hammerhead, turning, and he's gonna be in serious bother here if he's not careful.
Understeer again, then oversteer, then understeer, then oversteer.
Now he can get back on the power.
This will be phenomenal through the Follow-through.
Getting on for Formula 0ne levels of grip.
Through the tires.
God, that's quickl Now he's got more bother again cos he's got to go slowly for the second-to-last corner, turning in.
Held that one very nicely.
Last corner.
Again running widel And across the linel Now This is er Despite the handling issues, shall we say, we are expecting this to be pretty fast, mixing it up here with top crowd, the 1.
18s, the 1.
17 s, the 1.
19s.
It actually did it in one minute Staggering.
Absolutely staggering.
That's the fastest thing by miles.
And now what I'm gonna do is take it off again.
- What? Why? - You know the rules, James.
If a car can't get over a sleeping policeman it can't go on that board.
We've always said that, and look at the nose on this.
Never mind a sleeping policeman, you'd rip that off if you ran over Gandhi.
So, er, sorry about that.
And now we're moving on because it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
Now, my guest tonight is a very busy man.
So busy, in fact, that the only hole we could find in his diary was two weeks ago.
So we interviewed him then, and then we thought we'd slide it into tonight's program and nobody would be any the wiser.
I've had my hair cut to match, I'm wearing roughly the same clothes, we're in the same building.
It was all very ambitious but, as is so often the way with Top Gear, I'm afraid it hasn't quite worked because if you watch very carefully, this poppy is about to magically disappear.
Ladies and gentlemen, from the past Simon Cowell! - Welcome back.
- How are you? - Welcome back.
How are you? - Very good, thank you.
Have a seat.
Not your first visit, of course, is it? I was here was it four years ago? Four years ago, when we had the Suzuki Liana.
- We've moved on now.
- Oh, you've really moved up in the world.
Absolutely.
And so have you.
Because then it was Pop Idol, wasn't it? Yeah, second Pop Idol or something.
Since then you've done American Inventor, British Inventor - American Idol, X Factor - American Idol, X Factor.
How many more opportunities are there for you to get a lot of money from phone lines where people vote on things? We only do the phone lines so that the audience can vote.
So we're sort of giving something back to the audience.
- You could do an illegal immigrant one.
- A what? Where people compete for a British passport.
Are you seriously pitching me this idea? No, I'm thinking I might do it, actually.
It's such a good idea.
It's fantastic.
It's yours.
- I just have ideas all the time.
- OK, well, they're not very good.
What, and X Factor is? Yeah.
Yes.
- Why are they clapping? - Well - Now, come on, fair's f - This is your audience, isn't it? You can really tell that.
- Could I be a judge on X Factor? - Shall I tell you why you couldn't? Why? Because I am ageing quite well and you're not.
And I thought about you the other day.
I was reading one of your reviews about a Jaguar, about how Jaguars have to update themselves over the years.
And you are the equivalent of a Jaguar who needs help.
In other words, you know how you do a face-lift on the new Jag whatever it was? - Oh, I can't do a face-lift.
- No, you do.
You need Botox.
You need a face-lift.
Just have half an eye done or something.
I look in a mirror Don't you look in a mirror and just go, - "I'm falling to pieces and I don't care"? - No, I don't think that.
- You care? - I think I look good.
- You do look good but - I know I do.
And we're the same age.
- And I don't care.
- You must do.
- Should I care? Should I care about it? - No.
And that's why you couldn't come on my show.
And the other reason is I'd just sit, going, "No.
No.
No.
" The second reason is you'd be funnier than me.
That's why you'll never come on.
How's America? Is it going well? I like it there.
I've been there five years.
It's fun.
- And you live there.
- I live there for half the year now.
So you've got to split your cars.
America and the UK.
- Yes.
- Come on, then, what have you bought? In England I have an Audi, the new Audi.
The R8? That is brilliant, isn't it? Well, it's very interesting.
I was driving the car the other day and I was thinking about what you said on the show about it being better than a Porsche.
And I was kind of thinking, "Why is it better than a Porsche?" Well, I think the reason it's better than a Porsche - is that people like you in it.
- Mm-hm.
I promise you, at that split second someone overtook me, put their hand out the window and went, "Tosser.
" At exactly that moment.
- Telling you to put your seat belt on.
- Is that what it was? Erm, no, but it's a good car.
And then, on your recommendation, I bought a Lamborghini Gallardo or whatever you call it.
- Spyder.
- Spyder.
Erm which is completely pointless because And I'll tell you why.
When you're driving it around the track here it's fantastic.
- Drive it in London, it's impossible.
- Why? You can't do more than 10 mph in this car.
It's like Naomi Campbell phoning you up, going out for dinner, ending up in a hotel room and she then is telling you that she's a lesbian.
It's sort of pointless.
- I wouldn't mind that.
- "Bring a friend, let's be having a look.
" - You've got a point, actually.
- Er, it's kind of pointless, you know.
You - Why? Because you can't drive these things properly.
But what can you drive in London - that you derive enjoyment from? - That's my point.
Nothing.
- But you've still got the Rolls-Royces? - Yes.
One there, one here? Thanks to Fifth Gear, who recommended it.
Ooh I like Westlife.
- It's one of Louis', isn't it? - No, one of mine, actually, Jeremy.
Is it? Well, they're ! - Aren't they the Irish ones? I get muddled.
- He manages them.
- Oh, OK.
- And they're signed to my record label.
- Who isn't signed to your record label? - Spice Girls.
I like them.
- I wanna hear about my lap.
- Really? - Oh, all right.
Are you a competitive man? - Yes.
- Cos the last time you came here - I won.
you went to the top.
- Absolutely.
And then you were knocked off by Jimmy Carr, wasn't it? Who I saw, like weeks after, who was horribly patronizing about the whole thing.
So today is the day you've come back to see if you can get to the top - Yes.
of the board.
- That's why I'm here.
- How did it go? I don't think it went as well as last time.
- Who'd like to see it? - Yeah.
Play the tape.
OK, here we go.
- What do you think of the car? - Terrible.
It's seriously the worst car I've ever driven.
That's good and aggressive through there.
Prat.
Quite a lot of wheel spin through there.
Then into the Hammerhead.
Nicely done so far.
That's pretty good.
- Is that good? - Yeah, very good.
Right, now, flat from now on.
- Flat? - Yeah.
- And still flat through the tires? - That's how you do it, Jeremy.
I know.
I drive round here all the time.
I've still never timed myself.
Look at this.
Casual.
Relaxed.
Coming up to the second-to-last corner.
Whoo! Into Gambon now and here we go.
And across the line.
Not bad.
Well, there it is.
Where do you reckon? As long as I'm higher than Hugh Grant.
Hugh Grant, 1.
47.
7.
Yeah, no, you're faster than that.
- Well, just tell me.
- No, no.
Do you think you beat Gordon Ramsay, who was seriously quick? - What did he do? - He did 1.
46.
3.
Close.
- You reckon close? - Yeah.
You were, actually.
Very close.
Because you did it in one minute forty You're there.
You're there.
Been waiting for the day.
That is That's fantastic! And Gordon Ramsay has just committed suicide.
Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay, he's fat.
So that's worth at least two seconds.
- I That is amazing.
- No, that was, actually.
You really do have a knack for it.
The Stig said you have definitely got a knack.
The cameramen said they'd never seen consistency like it in the practice laps.
Well, the thing is that you should never listen to what you're being told because it's like trying to ride a bicycle.
If someone tells you how to do it, you start thinking about too many things.
You've just gotta get yourself round.
But I'm genuinely thrilled.
- I'm glad I came.
- I'm very glad you came.
Cos I was getting bored with having a Scot not only in Number Ten but also at the top of our Leader Board.
Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Cowell! - I'm so happy, Jeremy.
- Well done.
Wow! What a night.
The records are just tumbling.
First the Caparo blitzes the Koenigsegg round the track, now we've got a new fastest lap.
It's Yeah.
Hello.
My poppy's grown back.
It's a miracle.
- You are such a clot.
- I am.
And now it is time for one of our epic races.
You know the sort of thing - where a Bugatti races across the Alps against a truffle or a McLaren Mercedes races a powerboat to Oslo.
Oh, yes.
And this one isn't that big, to be honest.
But it is more relevant because it's a race to find out what is the quickest way to cross a busy city.
Car, bicycle, public transport, whatever.
We've chosen London.
Now, we start from here, Kew Bridge, the most westerly point of the North Circular.
Which, if you live in Nepal or Coventry, is a sort of ring-road around London.
We then finish up over here at London City Airport, which is at the most easterly point of the North Circular.
So that is a race right across the center of one of the most congested cities in the world.
Now, to make sure that we aren't accused of bias toward the car, it will be driven by the slowest man in the world.
A man with no known sense of direction.
Him.
To make it even less fair, the car they've given me is not a Smart car or my Fiat Panda or anything sensible like that.
It's this.
The new Mercedes GL.
It's 17 feet long, it's about six-and-a-half feet wide.
It weighs 2.
5 tonnes.
It is the Chelsea-est of all the Chelsea tractors.
And I shall attempt to beat him on this.
It's a Specialized Sirrus Limited - a carbon fiber, super-lightweight bicycle.
It's built on a five-piece, monocoque construction with a Body Geometry saddle.
It's got carbon fiber crank set, carbon fiber handlebars, carbon fiber brake levers and it's even got its own unique gel-based suspension system so it can cope with the bumps of London.
- It's L1,700.
- It is quite expensive, yes.
Anyway, this isn't just a race between a car and a bike cos we need to see how public transport will fare.
So we need a third person.
Someone who's never been on a train or a bus, who doesn't know the misery.
Thankfully, on Top Gear we have just such a person.
Now, as we race across London in the car and on the bike, he will catch a bus around the corner.
There he will get an underground train to Monument station and from there he will get on the Docklands Light Railway, which takes him all the way to the airport.
- Are we ready? - Yes.
Ready? - Let's go.
- Hang on.
Hang on.
There is a fourth way.
Oh, God.
- Don't tell me.
A jetpack.
- No.
- Harrier jump jet.
- No.
- A plasma-powered horse.
- No.
I've got a boat.
- How will you get a boat up Knightsbridge? - I'm not.
The River Thames is just behind those houses.
It goes all the way to the airport.
- Like a big blue motorway.
- So you are going to row up the Thames, doing one mile an hour.
Course I'm not going to row.
It's got an engine.
All we know is this, Hammond - it's eight-thirty two - Yes.
on a Monday morning.
- Yeah.
- Peak rush hour.
- I'd call the weather today close.
- Humid.
- Sweaty.
- Yes.
So, genuinely, we have no idea who's going to win this.
- I am.
- You're not.
- I know full well I am.
- You're not.
Are we ready? We're gonna find out.
Three, two - Hold on, he's jumped the gun! - Go now! I'm going.
No rush.
I'm gonna cream it.
See you, Hammond.
That's the last time you're in the lead.
What I've got is a gentle walk to the river, on the boat through the city.
It's a lovely day.
See you, May.
Hammond shot past the traffic on Kew Bridge.
I honestly think I can win this one.
Captain Slow was also full of hope.
This is a car.
This is a car program.
I know you want the car to win.
I want the car to win.
I shall not let you down.
I have a rough idea where I'm going.
I know the river's on my right.
Is it on the I? No, it's on the right.
Sadly, though, both of them were going to be disappointed.
Let's go! OK, what I've got here is a L52,000 Cougar sport racing boat.
It's got a 3.
5 liter VTEC Honda engine on the back, top speed 75 mph.
Unfortunately, on this part of the river - sort of Chiswick - there are many herons and otters, so I'm limited to erm, nine miles an hour.
Ish.
The speed limit is in force all the way to Wandsworth Bridge.
But from there the Thames has no speed limit at all.
- Bye! - Good luck on the bus! Bye! Meanwhile, The Stig saw a huge, red car approaching and he got on it, using something called an 0yster card, which is useful if you have no understanding of money.
I'm in a bus lane, which is good.
I can use them.
However, the other thing that uses them - buses.
The Monday morning rush hour was slowing James.
But I couldn't open up the big lead I'd hoped for for one simple reason.
I've got to wait at the lights.
I'm on telly.
Obviously, I always wait at the lights.
Hello.
Oh! With the car pottering along nicely, I decided to see if Hammond was as comfortable as me.
Hammond? Hammond? Now here's one of the big problems that you have on the river, which is the rowers, who reserve a special kind of hatred for people with engines on their boats.
They are the cyclists of the waterway, the Hammonds.
D'you want a lift? See? She hates me.
Change, change, change.
I'm bloody cycling.
You can go faster cos you've got bandy legs.
I can't go faster.
I haven't got bandy legs.
It was time for The Stig to get out of the big, red car.
Please keep your belongings with you at all times.
Since I was stuck at nine and almost certainly last, I decided to revive the ancient art of using a telephone while driving.
- May.
- Hello, Captain Clarkson.
- Where are you? - Hammers Er, Ha - Yeah.
Hammersmith.
Broadway.
- You No way.
- Where's Hammond? - I don't know.
I tried to ring him but it sounded like his face was rubbing along the road, so he may have had it already.
You realize, James, I have to beat you but I want you to win with that car.
Don't get lost.
To make sure I didn't get lost I was using the Satnav.
- Keep left.
- I know.
- Now keep right.
- Yes, I know.
I know to I'm keeping right.
I knew that.
I was already keeping right.
Please keep left in 100 yards.
Exactly.
You go down there towards My phone's going.
Hello? Hammond.
How's it going, mate? Oh, no! No! Oh, that was the sound of a skull under a bus's Pirelli.
Right.
Time to ring The Stig.
See how he's getting on.
We'd given him a phone but er After 25 minutes this is how things stood.
Hammond was alive and in the lead.
May was breathing down his neck in second.
The Stig was third and I was going in the wrong direction on one of the river's endless and annoying meanders.
I have to make every mile-an-hour count because my average speed is so low.
Don't pull out, don't pull out, don't pull out! I hate buses.
They're stinking, horrible things.
Go.
Bit of Christian motoring there.
That man wanted to pull out.
Let him pull out.
What comes around goes around.
He who is last shall be first.
Oi! Chuffing, bus-driving, bullying Nazi.
Why don't you just wait, and give your passengers a better ride? The next station is Stamford Brook.
The Stig, now in an underground car, had noticed that everyone was doing the same thing.
This has to be the most stress-free and relaxing Monday morning rush-hour commute since the dawn of civilization.
Oh, not another set of sodding lights! Oh, bloody hell! Have a nice walk.
Enjoy yourself.
I knew May was getting stuck at the lights, too, but getting up to speed again didn't wear him out.
Not that he could ever get up to any sort of speed in the first place.
Now, I would never try to ban people from having cars like this - because that would be like communism, really - but I really don't understand why anybody would have something like this for driving around town because it's so big and unnecessary.
It's more than six feet wide.
It's almost six and a half feet wide and that's what makes a difference.
That door is half the width of that whole scooter.
Meanwhile, The Stig was plainly bemused by his strange new world.
No! No! You filthy, foul, stinking Hammond? Agh! You stinking, evil ! Foul, reeking, hell-making piece of Hammond stopped swearing long enough to answer the phone.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Yes? What? I'm just coming up to the Albert Hall.
I wondered how you were doing.
You're just behind me.
I'm stuck at the lights again.
Ooh, right.
Well, I'll give you a friendly peep as I go past.
I'll kick the crap out of your car if you do.
and Richard was still in the lead.
James was still on his tail.
The Stig was still in a tunnel and I was still following a path forged by nature, at nine.
But I wasn't worried at all.
Hammond, by now, will just be bathed in sweat.
Hideous, smelly.
People will vomit when they go near him.
James, of course, he'll end up in Huddersfield, perhaps.
Pontefract.
Who knows? Not the City Airport.
Er Stig, don't know.
Might think he's a Brazilian electrician.
And then me, having a lovely time and I'm going to win.
I was now scything down Piccadilly.
And joy of joys, the traffic was horrible.
As it turned out, jams were the least of my problems.
Oh, crikey, it's the rozzers.
The police only wanted to check the permit for our camera car, but it still cost me valuable time.
So, on on the basis that stopping here I've lost about three or four minutes in the race, and that sort of corrupts the result, can we just do four minutes of blues-and-twos and I'll follow you? What I can do is I can give you a 5090 to say that I've stopped you and then you can submit that to your superiors - as a record of me stopping you.
- What? I was pulling further ahead.
Trafalgar Square, left.
Right, this is where I need to be.
Cycle lane.
One, two, three meters of it and then I'm back under that bus.
With Plod off my back, I now had to pay Ken Livingstone for permission to sit in his jams.
Er I'm sorry, that was an incorrect selection.
Hello.
I need to pay the congestion charge for London.
your vehicle number, please? Er I don't know.
Erm Er Fifty six, Hotel Foxtrot Zulu.
Is that a Mercedes GL500 in silver? How did you know that? It's actually a 5.
5 liter but they call it a 500 cos they're a bit embarrassed about it.
With James stuck in the traffic around Piccadilly and Trafalgar Square, I had to seize the moment and push.
There's the river.
That's 24 mph showing.
I've got to keep that up.
Head down, I've gotta just go.
- Hammond.
- Hello.
- Where are you? - I've just got onto Embankment.
- Where are you? - Just going past Fulham Football Club.
This was bad news.
Jeremy was now only a minute or so from Wandsworth Bridge, where he could put his foot down.
So, although the car was imprisoned by the traffic, the boat was coming into play.
And Stig was closing in, too.
Please mind the gap between the train and the platform.
I've got 19 mph showing on my little speedo here.
I've got to keep that up.
I feel sick.
Here we go, Wandsworth Bridge.
Yes! OK, Hammond and May, live with this! That's the Embankment.
Where's May? At this point, Richard was just eight miles from the airport.
I had 17 miles to cover but I was going an awful lot faster.
The Stig was now catching Hammond, too, and even worse news for the one in shorts, James had cleared the traffic.
Here we go.
I've got to beat Jeremy and cannot be beaten by James.
Battersea Power Station, ladies and gentlemen, to your right.
Coming up to Millbank now, headquarters of the Labour Party.
They won't like this very much.
Ha-ha! I don't like this car.
I have to be brutally honest.
It's not my kind of thing.
But a car is, nevertheless, the right way to do this.
I've got it just set to 20 degrees.
Bit of Radio 3.
Yeah, pull out on me, why not? That's what I'm there for! The Stig, in a close second, was now making his final train change.
Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your belongings with you at all times and report any unattended items or suspicious behavior to a member of staff or a police officer.
Hello, Officers.
I just went past the police at 45 mph.
Annoyingly, I couldn't fully open the taps because, weirdly, I had traffic problems.
Look at it.
Just endless tourists.
Come on! Got to get my speed up.
This train directly to King George V via London City Airport.
This is so frustrating.
Aargh! Where is Jeremy on his boat? Where, where, where? Tower Bridge! Coming through! As the river widened I became the fastest-moving man in all of London.
We're knocking on now.
Coming up to 50 mph.
How can we lose now? It simply is not possible.
At this stage, James was last and The Stig was still several stops away from the airport, so it was becoming a two-horse race.
The bends in the river had made my journey seven miles longer but I was now doing a whopping 70 mph.
Hammond was probably feeling quite good about his chances.
Well, I'm sorry, mate, they're gone now.
They're gone.
Bloody lights! Bloody lights! hate them.
London VTS, London VTS, this is Red Cougar requesting permission to go through the barrier at speed.
Schedule copied.
Proceed in through the barrier.
Take Charlie span in-between the green arrows.
Sorry! Somewhere round here there's an airport and I've got to go and park at it.
City Airport.
There it is! Come on! Come on! Come on.
I'm here.
I've arrived! Coming through.
Unfortunately, a gentleman on a bike has checked in already.
- What? - A gentleman on a bike has checked in already.
- Hammond? - Yes.
I mean, too hard on you.
- How the hell did you do that? - It's easier on a pushbike.
- You don't get stuck in queues.
- You've ruined Top Gear.
- Well - It's the last-ever show.
I've bent it a bit.
But hang on.
What you're saying is I've ruined Top Gear - because I won on a bicycle.
- Yes.
You came second in a boat.
Between us we've ruined We've ruined Top Gear.
We sat down to see if Top Gear could be salvaged.
Just so long as the car beats public transport.
What if the car? Oh, God.
That's a very good point.
What if the car loses to public? We need for public transport to come stone-dead last.
We soon got an answer.
- Oh, no! - Did you go on a Tube? Underground? Did it go dark? Flashing lights? - Did you go on a train? - Were there other people? Eugh.
What he's just done is he's gone slower than a boat and a bicycle.
- That'll just be going"Zz zz zz zz.
" - Inside, there's all numbers.
There'll be a bit of smoke come out the top in a minute.
Keep watching.
James arrived.
- Thank you, James.
- What have you done? - The car, as an entity - Ruined.
lies smashed and broken in front of us because of you.
He beat you on public transport.
We're ruined.
I, er Can I clear something up that's just confusing me here? Because you lost, what, about four minutes with that policeman business.
But watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrived Now, if I remember rightly, when I got there, James, you were already there - and had been for ages.
- He was.
And d'you know something else, as well? I distinctly remember my boat blew up - and I was killed.
- Yes.
Yes.
You don't get that sense, watching the film.
- Doesn't come through.
- I'm glad you've said that.
I'm sure I remember cruising straight past Hammond - with his head stuck in some railings.
- That happened.
That did happen.
And actually, d'you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have used a boat.
So there we are.
What Top Gear - which is a trusted, award-winning factual program - has proved is that, despite what you've just seen in that stupid and misleading film, - the car was the fastest.
- Yes! - And the best.
- Yes.
And as a result of that, we will be back with more facts.
See you then.
Good night!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hello and welcome.
Welcome.
Welcome to an award-winning Top Gear.
Yeah.
We've got a gong for the best factual program, which is astonishing when you think we haven't actually put a fact in the show for the last five years.
No matter.
We're kicking off tonight with Richard Hammond - not in shorts.
He is, in fact, in an Aston Martin.
This is it, the new V8 Vantage Roadster.
And it's pig-ugly.
Actually, though, it's not, is it? It's unbelievably gorgeous.
Not only is it a looker, it's also got the same 4.
3 liter, 380 horsepower V8 as you get in the Vantage Coupé, which means it makes the same noise.
Oh! That alone is worth 90,000 of the 91-grand asking price.
But let's not get carried away.
Because when Aston hack the top off a car, they're perfectly capable of turning a good sports car into a soggy blancmange.
The DB9, for instance, is fabulous to drive as a hard-top, but much less than fabulous as a roadster.
The question is, have they made the same mistake here? Not exactly.
Usually when they make a cabrio version, they have to soften it up because it can't handle all that sporty treatment.
But the chassis on this roadster is so stiff, they can actually give it firmer suspension.
Result? It actually likes going round corners.
Yes! So, a roadster that drives like a hard-top.
And though it pains me to say it, this thing makes a 911 look like a bit of a minger.
There are, however, a few reminders that although Aston is now privately owned, this car came from the Ford era.
And that it was indeed conceived by Ford's crack team of accountants.
The key fob might have a nice, classy, leather back, but actually it's taken straight from a 20-grand Volvo.
And this screen here for all the computer functions looks like it came off an Amstrad in 1985.
And why, when they got someone to record the voice commands, did they choose the warder from a women's prison? Turn right.
But I'm nitpicking because, really, this is a great car.
Top speed is 175 mph.
Naught to 60 takes 4.
9 seconds.
Often at this point we like to demonstrate a car's straight-line performance by having a drag race.
Today is no exception.
But we thought rather than a drag race against another car, we'd have one against a man.
He's called Dirk Auer and he's from Germany.
Now, if he's going to race me, I'd be stupid to let him hang on to my coat-tails.
And Dirk agrees.
Which is why he's got three jet engines, together making 300 horsepower, that he's going to strap to his back.
Kitted out with an aerodynamic helmet and special inline skates, this human cruise missile claims he can hit 120 mph.
Time to find out if that's just hot air.
Aston Martin say this car will do a quarter-mile in just over 13 seconds.
He didn't even flinch when I told him that.
So let's see what happens when Britain and Germany, in quite an odd way, I must admit, go to battle once again.
If you told people you'd had a dream in which you'd drag-raced an Aston Martin against a man on jet-powered roller skates, people would tell you to lay off the strong cheese at night.
We're away! I can't believe how quickly that thing gets off the line! We're level-pegging! He's on roller skates! Come on! Yeah! I won! I beat a man on roller skates! In an Aston Martin! Yes! Right, it's now time to move on and for me to drive a car.
It's called the Caparo T1 and it's possibly the most amazing, maybe the fastest, and almost certainly the scariest car ever made.
Remarkable-looking thing, isn't it? And even more remarkable when you notice that it has lights and indicators.
And space for a passenger.
What you're looking at here, then, is the first realistic attempt to make a Formula-0ne-style car that you can use on the road.
It hasn't had a particularly easy birth.
At the press launch, a Dutch journalist was in it when some aspect of the front suspension came adrift and it speared off into the undergrowth.
Then, at the Goodwood Festival of Speed, the throttle jammed wide open.
And that happened again when Fifth Gear were testing it.
And then, at 150 mph, it caught fire massively, burning the driver, Jason Plato, quite badly on the hand, the neck and the face.
And now it's my turn.
Because of this car's violent history and the immense speeds it can achieve, the BBC has insisted we beef up our safety precautions.
This is what we normally use - a van with some sticking plasters and aspirin in it.
Today, though, we have enough to deal with a medium-sized plane crash.
Caparo themselves say I'm not allowed to drive it unless I wear a full-face crash helmet and one of these Nomex romper suits, presumably so that if something goes wrong all my organs will be held together in one sort of big, fireproof bag make me easier to collect.
So, everything is in place.
I'm in.
So, first of all, we have to put the steering wheel on.
Goes on the other way up.
That's what it does.
Seat belts.
Right.
On.
The fire-extinguisher system master switch on.
Ignition.
It's a road car so it'll probably be quite quiet.
Here we go.
No, no, it isn't quiet.
If this all goes wrong, er, I'll do the Team America secret signal.
OK.
Horn works.
Here we go.
Well, I don't know what the fuss is all about.
This is very safe.
I can see no danger here at all.
Designed by the same people who brought you the McLaren F1, the Caparo has a 3.
5 liter V8 race engine which delivers 575 horsepower.
That is a huge amount in a car that weighs about the same as a patio heater.
As a result, it has twice as much brake horsepower per tonne as a Bugatti Veyron.
Twice as much.
In a road car, that is a truly terrifying prospect.
So far, though, all four wheels are still on.
Yeah.
The throttle has not jammed open and there is no fire.
So er goodbye, safety people.
Oh, my God! God Almighty! You can forget Enzos, you can forget Koenigseggs.
This is in a different league.
It does naught to 60 in 2.
5 seconds.
Naught to 100 in five and it'll still be going like a bee out of hell all the way up to 205 where, hopefully, the twin tail-planes, like you get on an SR71 Blackbird spy-plane, will keep it stable.
And the braking! Oh, God! You couldn't stop more quickly if you ran into a tree.
Here we go again!! To experience anything like this you would have to be in a Formula 3000 car.
This is acceleration like I have never, ever experienced.
And then the floor came off.
I'm gonna do the secret signal.
Thankfully, it wasn't a big job and soon the T1 was back.
And then there was a problem with the fuel.
Wasn't turning out to be very reliable, this.
And then there's the price.
I don't really know how to soften the blow on this so I'll come straight out with it.
It's L235,000.
Really, then, the only people fit, brave and rich enough to buy such a car are Premiership footballers.
I'm sure Mr.
Rooney will like the speed and the looks very much.
But he's in for a nasty surprise when he gets it back from the menders because this is about as good at taking corners as he is.
Oh, no, that is a lot of understeer.
Oh, that is a lot of understeer there.
Got my foot on the power but there's so much power in this I'm just gonna spin out.
Oh, God, this is a disaster! The shape has been designed so the air flowing over it will press the car into the road.
It'll actually generate 3g in a fast bend.
Unfortunately, in a slow bend the air isn't moving over the body quickly enough and you have almost no grip at all.
Look at it snaking, fighting for grip that just isn't there.
If the tires are cold the problem is ten times worse.
And if the road is wet it'll spin up the rears through third and fourth.
If you try to go round a normal roundabout at a normal speed in this, you're gonna have a huge accident.
When this thing goes on sale, there isn't gonna be a ditch in the land, or a hedgerow, that isn't full of Premiership footballers all broken and on fire.
Because of this car, I wouldn't be at all surprised if Grimsby Town won this year's FA Cup.
And you haven't got room to move in it.
You know, you're sort of But let me just Hang on.
To generate enough downforce to get round a corner, you have to go really fast? Yes.
Brilliant excuse for the police.
"I had to go round that corner, Officer, at 1,000 mph, "cos if I was doing 30 I would have crashed.
" But don't you think The thing I like about this is that it's amazing that this is allowed.
Because, I mean, there's a regulation that says that headlight has to be that height, they have to put the seat belts in, but there are no laws governing how fast it can go.
No, and we must now find out how fast it goes round our track.
Which means, of course, we have to hand it over to someone who understands downforce.
Some say that to unlock him you have to run your finger down his face.
Like that.
And that if he were getting divorced from Paul McCartney he'd keep his stupid, whining mouth shut.
All we know is he's called The Stig.
And he's offl And he's gone already.
Little bit of wheel spin there.
Now he's heading down to the first corner fairly fast.
There should be just about enough downforce to get him round.
Look at the speed he's going in therel Tail kicked out a little bit.
It's snaking.
Now he's got to build up the speed again.
so no self-help.
As he turns into Chicago, running a bit wide.
The understeer kicking in.
Not much he can do about that.
Now he's just back on that 3.
5 liter engine, into the Hammerhead, turning, and he's gonna be in serious bother here if he's not careful.
Understeer again, then oversteer, then understeer, then oversteer.
Now he can get back on the power.
This will be phenomenal through the Follow-through.
Getting on for Formula 0ne levels of grip.
Through the tires.
God, that's quickl Now he's got more bother again cos he's got to go slowly for the second-to-last corner, turning in.
Held that one very nicely.
Last corner.
Again running widel And across the linel Now This is er Despite the handling issues, shall we say, we are expecting this to be pretty fast, mixing it up here with top crowd, the 1.
18s, the 1.
17 s, the 1.
19s.
It actually did it in one minute Staggering.
Absolutely staggering.
That's the fastest thing by miles.
And now what I'm gonna do is take it off again.
- What? Why? - You know the rules, James.
If a car can't get over a sleeping policeman it can't go on that board.
We've always said that, and look at the nose on this.
Never mind a sleeping policeman, you'd rip that off if you ran over Gandhi.
So, er, sorry about that.
And now we're moving on because it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
Now, my guest tonight is a very busy man.
So busy, in fact, that the only hole we could find in his diary was two weeks ago.
So we interviewed him then, and then we thought we'd slide it into tonight's program and nobody would be any the wiser.
I've had my hair cut to match, I'm wearing roughly the same clothes, we're in the same building.
It was all very ambitious but, as is so often the way with Top Gear, I'm afraid it hasn't quite worked because if you watch very carefully, this poppy is about to magically disappear.
Ladies and gentlemen, from the past Simon Cowell! - Welcome back.
- How are you? - Welcome back.
How are you? - Very good, thank you.
Have a seat.
Not your first visit, of course, is it? I was here was it four years ago? Four years ago, when we had the Suzuki Liana.
- We've moved on now.
- Oh, you've really moved up in the world.
Absolutely.
And so have you.
Because then it was Pop Idol, wasn't it? Yeah, second Pop Idol or something.
Since then you've done American Inventor, British Inventor - American Idol, X Factor - American Idol, X Factor.
How many more opportunities are there for you to get a lot of money from phone lines where people vote on things? We only do the phone lines so that the audience can vote.
So we're sort of giving something back to the audience.
- You could do an illegal immigrant one.
- A what? Where people compete for a British passport.
Are you seriously pitching me this idea? No, I'm thinking I might do it, actually.
It's such a good idea.
It's fantastic.
It's yours.
- I just have ideas all the time.
- OK, well, they're not very good.
What, and X Factor is? Yeah.
Yes.
- Why are they clapping? - Well - Now, come on, fair's f - This is your audience, isn't it? You can really tell that.
- Could I be a judge on X Factor? - Shall I tell you why you couldn't? Why? Because I am ageing quite well and you're not.
And I thought about you the other day.
I was reading one of your reviews about a Jaguar, about how Jaguars have to update themselves over the years.
And you are the equivalent of a Jaguar who needs help.
In other words, you know how you do a face-lift on the new Jag whatever it was? - Oh, I can't do a face-lift.
- No, you do.
You need Botox.
You need a face-lift.
Just have half an eye done or something.
I look in a mirror Don't you look in a mirror and just go, - "I'm falling to pieces and I don't care"? - No, I don't think that.
- You care? - I think I look good.
- You do look good but - I know I do.
And we're the same age.
- And I don't care.
- You must do.
- Should I care? Should I care about it? - No.
And that's why you couldn't come on my show.
And the other reason is I'd just sit, going, "No.
No.
No.
" The second reason is you'd be funnier than me.
That's why you'll never come on.
How's America? Is it going well? I like it there.
I've been there five years.
It's fun.
- And you live there.
- I live there for half the year now.
So you've got to split your cars.
America and the UK.
- Yes.
- Come on, then, what have you bought? In England I have an Audi, the new Audi.
The R8? That is brilliant, isn't it? Well, it's very interesting.
I was driving the car the other day and I was thinking about what you said on the show about it being better than a Porsche.
And I was kind of thinking, "Why is it better than a Porsche?" Well, I think the reason it's better than a Porsche - is that people like you in it.
- Mm-hm.
I promise you, at that split second someone overtook me, put their hand out the window and went, "Tosser.
" At exactly that moment.
- Telling you to put your seat belt on.
- Is that what it was? Erm, no, but it's a good car.
And then, on your recommendation, I bought a Lamborghini Gallardo or whatever you call it.
- Spyder.
- Spyder.
Erm which is completely pointless because And I'll tell you why.
When you're driving it around the track here it's fantastic.
- Drive it in London, it's impossible.
- Why? You can't do more than 10 mph in this car.
It's like Naomi Campbell phoning you up, going out for dinner, ending up in a hotel room and she then is telling you that she's a lesbian.
It's sort of pointless.
- I wouldn't mind that.
- "Bring a friend, let's be having a look.
" - You've got a point, actually.
- Er, it's kind of pointless, you know.
You - Why? Because you can't drive these things properly.
But what can you drive in London - that you derive enjoyment from? - That's my point.
Nothing.
- But you've still got the Rolls-Royces? - Yes.
One there, one here? Thanks to Fifth Gear, who recommended it.
Ooh I like Westlife.
- It's one of Louis', isn't it? - No, one of mine, actually, Jeremy.
Is it? Well, they're ! - Aren't they the Irish ones? I get muddled.
- He manages them.
- Oh, OK.
- And they're signed to my record label.
- Who isn't signed to your record label? - Spice Girls.
I like them.
- I wanna hear about my lap.
- Really? - Oh, all right.
Are you a competitive man? - Yes.
- Cos the last time you came here - I won.
you went to the top.
- Absolutely.
And then you were knocked off by Jimmy Carr, wasn't it? Who I saw, like weeks after, who was horribly patronizing about the whole thing.
So today is the day you've come back to see if you can get to the top - Yes.
of the board.
- That's why I'm here.
- How did it go? I don't think it went as well as last time.
- Who'd like to see it? - Yeah.
Play the tape.
OK, here we go.
- What do you think of the car? - Terrible.
It's seriously the worst car I've ever driven.
That's good and aggressive through there.
Prat.
Quite a lot of wheel spin through there.
Then into the Hammerhead.
Nicely done so far.
That's pretty good.
- Is that good? - Yeah, very good.
Right, now, flat from now on.
- Flat? - Yeah.
- And still flat through the tires? - That's how you do it, Jeremy.
I know.
I drive round here all the time.
I've still never timed myself.
Look at this.
Casual.
Relaxed.
Coming up to the second-to-last corner.
Whoo! Into Gambon now and here we go.
And across the line.
Not bad.
Well, there it is.
Where do you reckon? As long as I'm higher than Hugh Grant.
Hugh Grant, 1.
47.
7.
Yeah, no, you're faster than that.
- Well, just tell me.
- No, no.
Do you think you beat Gordon Ramsay, who was seriously quick? - What did he do? - He did 1.
46.
3.
Close.
- You reckon close? - Yeah.
You were, actually.
Very close.
Because you did it in one minute forty You're there.
You're there.
Been waiting for the day.
That is That's fantastic! And Gordon Ramsay has just committed suicide.
Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay, he's fat.
So that's worth at least two seconds.
- I That is amazing.
- No, that was, actually.
You really do have a knack for it.
The Stig said you have definitely got a knack.
The cameramen said they'd never seen consistency like it in the practice laps.
Well, the thing is that you should never listen to what you're being told because it's like trying to ride a bicycle.
If someone tells you how to do it, you start thinking about too many things.
You've just gotta get yourself round.
But I'm genuinely thrilled.
- I'm glad I came.
- I'm very glad you came.
Cos I was getting bored with having a Scot not only in Number Ten but also at the top of our Leader Board.
Ladies and gentlemen, Simon Cowell! - I'm so happy, Jeremy.
- Well done.
Wow! What a night.
The records are just tumbling.
First the Caparo blitzes the Koenigsegg round the track, now we've got a new fastest lap.
It's Yeah.
Hello.
My poppy's grown back.
It's a miracle.
- You are such a clot.
- I am.
And now it is time for one of our epic races.
You know the sort of thing - where a Bugatti races across the Alps against a truffle or a McLaren Mercedes races a powerboat to Oslo.
Oh, yes.
And this one isn't that big, to be honest.
But it is more relevant because it's a race to find out what is the quickest way to cross a busy city.
Car, bicycle, public transport, whatever.
We've chosen London.
Now, we start from here, Kew Bridge, the most westerly point of the North Circular.
Which, if you live in Nepal or Coventry, is a sort of ring-road around London.
We then finish up over here at London City Airport, which is at the most easterly point of the North Circular.
So that is a race right across the center of one of the most congested cities in the world.
Now, to make sure that we aren't accused of bias toward the car, it will be driven by the slowest man in the world.
A man with no known sense of direction.
Him.
To make it even less fair, the car they've given me is not a Smart car or my Fiat Panda or anything sensible like that.
It's this.
The new Mercedes GL.
It's 17 feet long, it's about six-and-a-half feet wide.
It weighs 2.
5 tonnes.
It is the Chelsea-est of all the Chelsea tractors.
And I shall attempt to beat him on this.
It's a Specialized Sirrus Limited - a carbon fiber, super-lightweight bicycle.
It's built on a five-piece, monocoque construction with a Body Geometry saddle.
It's got carbon fiber crank set, carbon fiber handlebars, carbon fiber brake levers and it's even got its own unique gel-based suspension system so it can cope with the bumps of London.
- It's L1,700.
- It is quite expensive, yes.
Anyway, this isn't just a race between a car and a bike cos we need to see how public transport will fare.
So we need a third person.
Someone who's never been on a train or a bus, who doesn't know the misery.
Thankfully, on Top Gear we have just such a person.
Now, as we race across London in the car and on the bike, he will catch a bus around the corner.
There he will get an underground train to Monument station and from there he will get on the Docklands Light Railway, which takes him all the way to the airport.
- Are we ready? - Yes.
Ready? - Let's go.
- Hang on.
Hang on.
There is a fourth way.
Oh, God.
- Don't tell me.
A jetpack.
- No.
- Harrier jump jet.
- No.
- A plasma-powered horse.
- No.
I've got a boat.
- How will you get a boat up Knightsbridge? - I'm not.
The River Thames is just behind those houses.
It goes all the way to the airport.
- Like a big blue motorway.
- So you are going to row up the Thames, doing one mile an hour.
Course I'm not going to row.
It's got an engine.
All we know is this, Hammond - it's eight-thirty two - Yes.
on a Monday morning.
- Yeah.
- Peak rush hour.
- I'd call the weather today close.
- Humid.
- Sweaty.
- Yes.
So, genuinely, we have no idea who's going to win this.
- I am.
- You're not.
- I know full well I am.
- You're not.
Are we ready? We're gonna find out.
Three, two - Hold on, he's jumped the gun! - Go now! I'm going.
No rush.
I'm gonna cream it.
See you, Hammond.
That's the last time you're in the lead.
What I've got is a gentle walk to the river, on the boat through the city.
It's a lovely day.
See you, May.
Hammond shot past the traffic on Kew Bridge.
I honestly think I can win this one.
Captain Slow was also full of hope.
This is a car.
This is a car program.
I know you want the car to win.
I want the car to win.
I shall not let you down.
I have a rough idea where I'm going.
I know the river's on my right.
Is it on the I? No, it's on the right.
Sadly, though, both of them were going to be disappointed.
Let's go! OK, what I've got here is a L52,000 Cougar sport racing boat.
It's got a 3.
5 liter VTEC Honda engine on the back, top speed 75 mph.
Unfortunately, on this part of the river - sort of Chiswick - there are many herons and otters, so I'm limited to erm, nine miles an hour.
Ish.
The speed limit is in force all the way to Wandsworth Bridge.
But from there the Thames has no speed limit at all.
- Bye! - Good luck on the bus! Bye! Meanwhile, The Stig saw a huge, red car approaching and he got on it, using something called an 0yster card, which is useful if you have no understanding of money.
I'm in a bus lane, which is good.
I can use them.
However, the other thing that uses them - buses.
The Monday morning rush hour was slowing James.
But I couldn't open up the big lead I'd hoped for for one simple reason.
I've got to wait at the lights.
I'm on telly.
Obviously, I always wait at the lights.
Hello.
Oh! With the car pottering along nicely, I decided to see if Hammond was as comfortable as me.
Hammond? Hammond? Now here's one of the big problems that you have on the river, which is the rowers, who reserve a special kind of hatred for people with engines on their boats.
They are the cyclists of the waterway, the Hammonds.
D'you want a lift? See? She hates me.
Change, change, change.
I'm bloody cycling.
You can go faster cos you've got bandy legs.
I can't go faster.
I haven't got bandy legs.
It was time for The Stig to get out of the big, red car.
Please keep your belongings with you at all times.
Since I was stuck at nine and almost certainly last, I decided to revive the ancient art of using a telephone while driving.
- May.
- Hello, Captain Clarkson.
- Where are you? - Hammers Er, Ha - Yeah.
Hammersmith.
Broadway.
- You No way.
- Where's Hammond? - I don't know.
I tried to ring him but it sounded like his face was rubbing along the road, so he may have had it already.
You realize, James, I have to beat you but I want you to win with that car.
Don't get lost.
To make sure I didn't get lost I was using the Satnav.
- Keep left.
- I know.
- Now keep right.
- Yes, I know.
I know to I'm keeping right.
I knew that.
I was already keeping right.
Please keep left in 100 yards.
Exactly.
You go down there towards My phone's going.
Hello? Hammond.
How's it going, mate? Oh, no! No! Oh, that was the sound of a skull under a bus's Pirelli.
Right.
Time to ring The Stig.
See how he's getting on.
We'd given him a phone but er After 25 minutes this is how things stood.
Hammond was alive and in the lead.
May was breathing down his neck in second.
The Stig was third and I was going in the wrong direction on one of the river's endless and annoying meanders.
I have to make every mile-an-hour count because my average speed is so low.
Don't pull out, don't pull out, don't pull out! I hate buses.
They're stinking, horrible things.
Go.
Bit of Christian motoring there.
That man wanted to pull out.
Let him pull out.
What comes around goes around.
He who is last shall be first.
Oi! Chuffing, bus-driving, bullying Nazi.
Why don't you just wait, and give your passengers a better ride? The next station is Stamford Brook.
The Stig, now in an underground car, had noticed that everyone was doing the same thing.
This has to be the most stress-free and relaxing Monday morning rush-hour commute since the dawn of civilization.
Oh, not another set of sodding lights! Oh, bloody hell! Have a nice walk.
Enjoy yourself.
I knew May was getting stuck at the lights, too, but getting up to speed again didn't wear him out.
Not that he could ever get up to any sort of speed in the first place.
Now, I would never try to ban people from having cars like this - because that would be like communism, really - but I really don't understand why anybody would have something like this for driving around town because it's so big and unnecessary.
It's more than six feet wide.
It's almost six and a half feet wide and that's what makes a difference.
That door is half the width of that whole scooter.
Meanwhile, The Stig was plainly bemused by his strange new world.
No! No! You filthy, foul, stinking Hammond? Agh! You stinking, evil ! Foul, reeking, hell-making piece of Hammond stopped swearing long enough to answer the phone.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Yes? What? I'm just coming up to the Albert Hall.
I wondered how you were doing.
You're just behind me.
I'm stuck at the lights again.
Ooh, right.
Well, I'll give you a friendly peep as I go past.
I'll kick the crap out of your car if you do.
and Richard was still in the lead.
James was still on his tail.
The Stig was still in a tunnel and I was still following a path forged by nature, at nine.
But I wasn't worried at all.
Hammond, by now, will just be bathed in sweat.
Hideous, smelly.
People will vomit when they go near him.
James, of course, he'll end up in Huddersfield, perhaps.
Pontefract.
Who knows? Not the City Airport.
Er Stig, don't know.
Might think he's a Brazilian electrician.
And then me, having a lovely time and I'm going to win.
I was now scything down Piccadilly.
And joy of joys, the traffic was horrible.
As it turned out, jams were the least of my problems.
Oh, crikey, it's the rozzers.
The police only wanted to check the permit for our camera car, but it still cost me valuable time.
So, on on the basis that stopping here I've lost about three or four minutes in the race, and that sort of corrupts the result, can we just do four minutes of blues-and-twos and I'll follow you? What I can do is I can give you a 5090 to say that I've stopped you and then you can submit that to your superiors - as a record of me stopping you.
- What? I was pulling further ahead.
Trafalgar Square, left.
Right, this is where I need to be.
Cycle lane.
One, two, three meters of it and then I'm back under that bus.
With Plod off my back, I now had to pay Ken Livingstone for permission to sit in his jams.
Er I'm sorry, that was an incorrect selection.
Hello.
I need to pay the congestion charge for London.
your vehicle number, please? Er I don't know.
Erm Er Fifty six, Hotel Foxtrot Zulu.
Is that a Mercedes GL500 in silver? How did you know that? It's actually a 5.
5 liter but they call it a 500 cos they're a bit embarrassed about it.
With James stuck in the traffic around Piccadilly and Trafalgar Square, I had to seize the moment and push.
There's the river.
That's 24 mph showing.
I've got to keep that up.
Head down, I've gotta just go.
- Hammond.
- Hello.
- Where are you? - I've just got onto Embankment.
- Where are you? - Just going past Fulham Football Club.
This was bad news.
Jeremy was now only a minute or so from Wandsworth Bridge, where he could put his foot down.
So, although the car was imprisoned by the traffic, the boat was coming into play.
And Stig was closing in, too.
Please mind the gap between the train and the platform.
I've got 19 mph showing on my little speedo here.
I've got to keep that up.
I feel sick.
Here we go, Wandsworth Bridge.
Yes! OK, Hammond and May, live with this! That's the Embankment.
Where's May? At this point, Richard was just eight miles from the airport.
I had 17 miles to cover but I was going an awful lot faster.
The Stig was now catching Hammond, too, and even worse news for the one in shorts, James had cleared the traffic.
Here we go.
I've got to beat Jeremy and cannot be beaten by James.
Battersea Power Station, ladies and gentlemen, to your right.
Coming up to Millbank now, headquarters of the Labour Party.
They won't like this very much.
Ha-ha! I don't like this car.
I have to be brutally honest.
It's not my kind of thing.
But a car is, nevertheless, the right way to do this.
I've got it just set to 20 degrees.
Bit of Radio 3.
Yeah, pull out on me, why not? That's what I'm there for! The Stig, in a close second, was now making his final train change.
Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your belongings with you at all times and report any unattended items or suspicious behavior to a member of staff or a police officer.
Hello, Officers.
I just went past the police at 45 mph.
Annoyingly, I couldn't fully open the taps because, weirdly, I had traffic problems.
Look at it.
Just endless tourists.
Come on! Got to get my speed up.
This train directly to King George V via London City Airport.
This is so frustrating.
Aargh! Where is Jeremy on his boat? Where, where, where? Tower Bridge! Coming through! As the river widened I became the fastest-moving man in all of London.
We're knocking on now.
Coming up to 50 mph.
How can we lose now? It simply is not possible.
At this stage, James was last and The Stig was still several stops away from the airport, so it was becoming a two-horse race.
The bends in the river had made my journey seven miles longer but I was now doing a whopping 70 mph.
Hammond was probably feeling quite good about his chances.
Well, I'm sorry, mate, they're gone now.
They're gone.
Bloody lights! Bloody lights! hate them.
London VTS, London VTS, this is Red Cougar requesting permission to go through the barrier at speed.
Schedule copied.
Proceed in through the barrier.
Take Charlie span in-between the green arrows.
Sorry! Somewhere round here there's an airport and I've got to go and park at it.
City Airport.
There it is! Come on! Come on! Come on.
I'm here.
I've arrived! Coming through.
Unfortunately, a gentleman on a bike has checked in already.
- What? - A gentleman on a bike has checked in already.
- Hammond? - Yes.
I mean, too hard on you.
- How the hell did you do that? - It's easier on a pushbike.
- You don't get stuck in queues.
- You've ruined Top Gear.
- Well - It's the last-ever show.
I've bent it a bit.
But hang on.
What you're saying is I've ruined Top Gear - because I won on a bicycle.
- Yes.
You came second in a boat.
Between us we've ruined We've ruined Top Gear.
We sat down to see if Top Gear could be salvaged.
Just so long as the car beats public transport.
What if the car? Oh, God.
That's a very good point.
What if the car loses to public? We need for public transport to come stone-dead last.
We soon got an answer.
- Oh, no! - Did you go on a Tube? Underground? Did it go dark? Flashing lights? - Did you go on a train? - Were there other people? Eugh.
What he's just done is he's gone slower than a boat and a bicycle.
- That'll just be going"Zz zz zz zz.
" - Inside, there's all numbers.
There'll be a bit of smoke come out the top in a minute.
Keep watching.
James arrived.
- Thank you, James.
- What have you done? - The car, as an entity - Ruined.
lies smashed and broken in front of us because of you.
He beat you on public transport.
We're ruined.
I, er Can I clear something up that's just confusing me here? Because you lost, what, about four minutes with that policeman business.
But watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrived Now, if I remember rightly, when I got there, James, you were already there - and had been for ages.
- He was.
And d'you know something else, as well? I distinctly remember my boat blew up - and I was killed.
- Yes.
Yes.
You don't get that sense, watching the film.
- Doesn't come through.
- I'm glad you've said that.
I'm sure I remember cruising straight past Hammond - with his head stuck in some railings.
- That happened.
That did happen.
And actually, d'you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have used a boat.
So there we are.
What Top Gear - which is a trusted, award-winning factual program - has proved is that, despite what you've just seen in that stupid and misleading film, - the car was the fastest.
- Yes! - And the best.
- Yes.
And as a result of that, we will be back with more facts.
See you then.
Good night!