Transaction (2025) s01e06 Episode Script

1
CLEARS THROA
EXHALES
SOFTLY: I'm shaking.
Tonight, on New Year's Eve,
we honour a very special member
of the Pellocks family.
Although her physical body
is gone forever
..her spirit lives on.
It brings me great sadness
to say this, but
..due to complications
following her surgery,
our friend Olivia
won't be joining us tonight.
She is risen.
Oh, for
Thank God. When you said you were
still recovering from the thing,
I didn't think
you were gonna make it.
Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna miss
my own special night, was I?
Boop.
Oh.
SIMON GROANS,
SNEEZES
Cutting it a bit fine.
Funny, that's exactly
what I said to my surgeon. Boom.
TOM CHUCKLES
How's the new fanny, Liv?
I can't imagine
what it must suddenly be like
to not have a penis.
Never change, Millie.
I thought this was her funeral.
What did you think
the Champagne was for?
Terrifying.
SIMON CLEARS THROA
In 15 minutes,
after months of fundraising,
the biggest donors towards
Liv's gender reassignment surgery
will come thundering
through those doors
for a black-tie gala event
that's gonna blow their socks off.
But wait!
It's not all going to be
stuffy formality.
FORCED CHUCKLE
TOM AND MILLIE LAUGH
Oh, no.
It wouldn't be a New Year's Eve
without a few fireworks now,
would it? Hm?
And you know what?
I got us a few fireworks.
Just as Olivia's surgeons
corrected God's mistake,
so, too, must we reverse
our own mistakes of the last year.
Not only is tonight
a chance to celebrate
our freshly hole-punched friend
"Point at" Er, friend.
..but also
to win back the public's trust.
This
This speech is stupid.
It's our last chance
to save the store.
So, what the hey?
Join me in a toast.
We are Pellocks.
ALL: We are Pellocks.
Eurgh.
Imagine if you'd known
when you started working here
that all these months later,
your shiny new vagina would swoop in
and save the store.
CHUCKLES: Yeah.
Yeah, I didn't get the surgery.
What?!
Well, I had to tell somebody,
didn't I!?
I'm carrying
this extra weight around.
Well, clearly! Why didn't you
tell me you didn't get the surgery?
I thought the money
could be put to better use
on a holy pilgrimage
to the land of my people.
What does that even mean?
I went to Thailand for a month.
Liv, what you're describing
is charity fraud!
Right. There's a roomful
of donors coming tonight
that have paid for your surgery.
Why did you have to do this tonight?
It was all going so well!
I was gonna kiss Millie at midnight.
OK, Thomas, Thomas. Calm down.
OK? Everything's gonna be fine.
You're gonna get your kiss.
I'll get celebrated by everybody.
Nobody's gonna find out
about this situation.
TOM SIGHS
Just stay
..very still.
BEEFY SIGHS
Oh, no.
Surely, you can't be serious.
I am serious.
But thanks for calling me Shirley.
It's not my name, but still
very progressive of you. Why
in the name of Moses
and his bougie little wicker basket,
did you have to tell him?
All of this
could've neatly disappeared.
Yeah, well,
so could a lot of things.
Oh! I'm sorry, Thomas,
if I didn't let some quack
prune me like a bonsai tree!
I had to cover your medical leave.
I missed the birth of my own son.
Look, in fairness,
admittedly not my finest hour,
but can we please remember
that tonight is all about me?
No! Tonight is about me,
you Tim Burton toilet brush!
This was my last chance
to turn everything round!
Your new vaj was meant to lift
the curse of the ladyboy billboard!
None of this was my idea.
I didn't ask for a fundraiser.
What do you even mean!?
The only reason you work here is,
you told me you couldn't afford rent
because you were saving up
for your surgery.
Newsflash, Thomas. I lied!
I lie about things!
It is a core part of my character.
But I get away with it
because I've got a charming accent
and a silly little haircut!
Oh, great. I mean,
I thought I was your best friend,
but turns out,
I'm one of your little Sims
to stick in a swimming pool
and delete the ladder.
It's good to know. Thanks.
Shush, everyone!
I-I need time to think!
EXHALES
OK, look, we are the only ones
who know, w-which is good.
We just have to keep it a secret
from the other guests.
Now, normally, I'd say that
wouldn't be too hard, but you'd
you'd probably make some joke
about arousal, wouldn't you?
I would 100% do that.
He's not wrong.
You're a ticking time bomb.
SIGHS
OK, all right.
EXHALES DEEPLY
We just
We just have to come together
tonight, all right?
Keep the other guests distracted
and stop Olivia's foul secret
from getting out.
Yeah, whatever.
MILLIE: Welcome.
Welcome. Ooh!
Hello.
The roads are so icy out there, it's
a wonder anyone made it here at all.
Nice coat.
Hey, this is all right, isn't it?
We're not deceiving anyone, are we?
I mean, we're just selling them
a comforting fiction
like Father Christmas.
Oh, I'm just gonna push that one
down and deal with it later.
How we looking
on the seven-layer dip?
Technically, it is just mayonnaise,
but the ingredients separate
if you leave it out overnight
under a lamp.
Lies upon lies.
Er, are we expecting
your ex-wife tonight?
I doubt it. Not sure why she'd drag
her cold reptilian carcass
Simon. ..out of the warmth
of our former marital home.
Hello, Simon.
Hello, darling. Ah.
HE CLEARS THROA
Good of you to come.
But, of course, with you here,
what's Batman gonna use to perch
atop the Gotham City skyline?
MILLIE CHUCKLES
Ooh, ouch.
Come on, darling,
we both work for the company.
Let's keep things civil.
FREIDA CLICKS FINGERS
Don't you fucking dare.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Well, well, well
this is what it's come to, has it?
We're throwing gender reveal parties
for 30-year-olds.
Oh, I've been to one of those.
MILLIE CHUCKLES
So much fun with the, erm
exploding paint and the music
and the three bald men.
No, no, no,
I'm thinking of the Blue Man Group.
Blue Man Group.
You all right, Simon?
You seem a little nervous.
I'm I'm all right. You all right?
BEEFY CHORTLING
Wow. What a successful
and impressive gala.
So sorry I'm late.
I've just been admiring Olivia's
new vagina, which definitely exists.
What are you doing?
Distracting the guests,
like you said. Jesus Christ.
Have we met before?
No, no. But I get that a lot
from racists.
I am Madame Ja-Ja
Sweet Chilli Montague,
and I am a wealthy widow
and philanthropist.
Well, thank you for coming
all the way from Monaco, Ja-Ja.
Simon and I are lovers.
Excuse me?
And he is just as impressive
in the boardroom
as he is in the bedroom.
Mmm. "Cham-pag-na."
BOTH CHUCKLE
Hey, Millie.
Thomas.
Hey.
Hi.
Listen, I-I just wanted to say that
I'm I'm I'm a huge fan of you.
Thank you.
As a colleague.
But also as a woman.
So, well, I-I'd consider it
a huge professional courtesy
if you could, er, maybe find
a window in your itinerary
this evening for for a kiss.
Ooh.
Erm, specifically at midnight.
Specifically with me.
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
Erm
15 seconds tops, and I'll
I'll be out of your hair.
One sec. Get in!
Bless you.
Thank you.
SHE CHUCKLES
Better make it 45 seconds
to leave room for spillage.
Yeah. Talk to me
about breath freshener.
Breath freshener?
Mm-hm.
I mean, I could offer you
spearmint, peppermint
or a house blend of the two?
Oh, a house blend.
I will see you at midnight.
Great.
Thomas? Yeah?
Don't be late.
No.
I like my men like I like my coffee.
I'm not waiting more than a minute
for it to show up.
BOTH LAUGH
Yeah.
I won't be because, erm
well, I like my women
like I like my lattes.
Uh-huh. As evidenced by
the residual froth on my upper lip.
I take that back.
Don't be late.
Don't be late. Yeah. OK. See you.
SOFTLY: Goodbye, Thomas. Goodbye.
Ooh, Mummy!
EXHALES
CHATTERING
Oh, you're having a fucking laugh!
Ah!
Oh, my God.
Well done, old friend. Well done.
DOOR OPENS
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just taking the new vaj
for a spin.
Just Just having
a classic female wee down here.
You crack on, chica.
Don't mind me.
Piece of shit!
LIGHTER CLATTERS
Fucking freezing out here.
Do you know,
I cannot for the life of me
figure out why anyone
would choose to be a woman.
Well, you know how it is.
One day, you're watching
Tidying Up With Marie Kondo naked,
and you think,
"This thing in my hand
"just doesn't spark joy any more."
A woman gets divorced,
she's a "money-grabbing harpy".
A man gets divorced, it's like,
"On to the next trophy wife!"
I did not expect him
to move on so quickly.
I've got to say,
if I was born with a dick,
I would be getting it insured.
Everything all right?
Yep. Yep. Just
Do you know what it is?
I think I'm just getting used to
my new urethra,
which, as we both know,
is located between the clitoris
and the vaginal opening,
both of which I definitely possess.
Yeah, good talk.
SIGHS
My God.
GRUNTING
OK
CHATTERING
Ten minutes to midnight.
Are you nervous?
Nah. It's just a kiss, isn't it?
Yeah.
It's not like I'm proposing.
Although I am gonna need you
to get down on one knee.
PHONE BUZZING
Sorry.
Liv? Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
What's stuck to the ice?!
Just One sec.
I'm just saying,
if you had a hole down there,
the ice wouldn't be such a problem.
Tell that to the passengers
of the Titanic.
Tom. Tom, look at me.
This is not my fault.
Have you never got your tongue stuck
to a frosty lamp post before?
If you're asking me if I had
a childhood of whimsical curiosity,
then, yes, I did have.
Now, picture my testes
in place of your tongue.
No, thank you.
You're gonna have to pull me up.
Do you know what, Liv? No.
It's nearly midnight. I'm about
to kiss the girl of my dreams.
You lied about
saving for your surgery.
Consider this all your chickens
coming home to roost.
How is that a bad thing?
Tell that to a chicken farmer!
Tom!
Please.
TOM SIGHS
You are the only person in the world
that would ever give me
the benefit of the doubt
after this many fuck-ups.
Maybe I don't deserve
another chance.
But if anyone
was ever gonna give me one
BOTH CHUCKLING
LIV SCREAMING
Shush! Shush! Shush!
ALL: Ten, nine
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait. Wait!
Wait. Wait.
OK, go.
LIV GROANS
..eight, seven
LIV BREATHING DEEPLY
Oh! This is exactly the same
as having a baby!
..six, five,
four, three
Two, one
LIV SCREAMING
SCREAMING CONTINUES
Hello.
# For auld lang syne, my dear
# For auld lang syne
# We'll take a cup of kindness yet
# For auld lang syne #
FREIDA LAUGHING
SOBBING
TOM EXHALES
Oh, good, she's alive.
MILLIE: I brought you some ice.
Good one.
How long was I out?
20 minutes.
Everyone's out on the shop floor,
the donors are going mad.
GROANING: Oh.
Sounds like
we're gonna lose the store.
Oh, fuck!
LIV GRUNTS
Oh!
HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK
Why did you have to lie about
wanting to get the surgery?
None of this would've happened
if you just hadn't lied about
the bloody surgery, Liv.
It wasn't a lie, Thomas.
I just hadn't fully decided yet.
Every transgender woman
imagines life with a minge.
I don't know if there's a pair
of butcher's flaps in my future,
but that is my decision, not yours.
I understand you now.
It's exhausting pretending
to be something that you're not.
Beefy. We've been over this,
Liv isn't pretending to be a woman.
I'm talking about all the years that
she spent pretending to be a man.
Nobody should have to
change who they are
just to make other people happy.
I'm going out there.
You can't. They'll eat you alive.
Plus, a billion painkillers
are about to kick in.
I feel fine.
This is our last chance
to make everything right.
Somebody get me a microphone
and a Pellocks uniform.
OUTRAGED CHATTER
You thought about installing
a bidet in your front porch?
Cos the amount of shits you take
on your own doorstep is staggering.
You can have the car in the divorce.
Take the Chesterfield.
You can even have half the cat,
but p-please don't take
Pellocks away from me.
Oh, this is about much more
than the hindquarters
of a British shorthair, Simon.
This is about erasing you
from my existence.
WHEELS CLATTERING
Liv, you've taken
too many painkillers.
LIV GRUNTS
CROWD: Shh, shh!
MAN: Look, look!
They're gonna say something here.
What have you got to say
for yourself?
What is a woman?
Somebody with a vagina!
One guy's opinion.
I'm not here to define
a "woman" or a "man".
But I will define a "manager".
Simon Heimann may run this place
like a game of Kerplunk.
And if you look closely enough
tonight,
his pocket square may turn out
to be a slice of wafer-thin ham.
But he's a good man.
I'm the reason
this place is filled with chaos,
even if I do do it with the debonair
lovability of a cartoon cat.
I take advantage of my friendships.
I cause hard-working people
to get overlooked.
I monopolise my best friend's time
so nobody else can get a look-in.
I have taken many lovers.
If you must punish somebody don't
punish these people, punish me.
But before you do,
there's something I need to say.
# Gather round and let me sing you
# The transgender blues
# The world's on fucking fire
# And yet
We're still front-page news
# When this
One-girl sausage festival
# Came rolling into town
# You put me on this pedestal
# Now I'm never coming
# Down!
# Don't let my penis
Come between us
# Born on Mars
Now I live on Venus
# Dick for brains?
Then I'm a genius
# There's a chance I might be Jesus
# And when the day is done
# My tits will outlive everyone
I said
# I'm taking over the world
And I will represent
# Both the boys
And the girls in equal measurement
# Kamala's grace, Gaddafi's panache
# What better leader than a woman
Who can grow a moustache?
# If you don't like me
Say it to my face
# I've got an extra leg
# I'm gonna win this race
It's not a lot to ask
# For you to call me Mrs
# We wouldn't be here if my mum
Had let me run with scissors
# And I'm sorry
# That that the queue
Outside the ladies' loo
# Keeps getting longer
# But we are stronger together
# Like birds of a feather
# And if it's time for me to fly
# Then please, before I go
# Give me one last chance
To drop my pants
# So I can piss my name
Into the snow! #
VOCALISING
Aaaaaahhhhh.
Aaaaaah.
Well, that went well.
CROWD CLAMOURING
We just want our money back.
CROWD: Boo! Boo!
Enough. Enough. That's enough, OK?
CHUCKLING
Hey, hello. Hello, yeah, yes.
Yeah. I hear you. I hear you.
Just Just hear
Just hear me out, O-OK?
We just want our money back,
Simon, shut up!
You will.
You will get your money back.
You You will get your money back,
I-I-I promise.
Because if you allow
the store to remain open
in order to repay her debt,
erm, Olivia will be locked into
a 50-hour-per-week
minimum wage contract
until the day she dies.
Thank Thank you. Thank you.
And in one final validation
of her womanhood,
her wages will be docked
an additional 9% in accordance
with the gender pay gap.
CROWD CHEERING
Woohoo!
#CompetentManagement.
#HappyNewYear!
CHEERING
Whoo!
Jesus Christ.
Miss Fast, we have you scheduled in
for an emergency
genital reconstruction.
Oh, the irony.
Whoa. Are you sure you should be
drinking in your condition?
Tell you what, why don't you start
a charity fundraiser
to have this bottle
removed from my hand?
Fair point.
TOM SIGHS
I'm sorry I let things go too far.
That's OK.
I'm sorry you didn't get your kiss
at midnight.
That's OK.
TOM SIGHS
Plenty of other socially mandatory
kisses on the calendar.
Mistletoe at Christmas.
Rehearsing a play I
TOM SIGHS
Happy New Year, Thomas.
Thanks.
But you're really,
really not my type.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Because between my top half
and my bottom half,
I like to think I've got
a little something for everyone.
Ha! No.
TOM CHUCKLES
Oh, for f! I told you!
Playful punches are for girls
with smaller hands.
LIV CHUCKLES
# We'll take a cup of kindness yet
# For the sake of auld lang syne. #