TripTank (2014) s02e06 Episode Script
Hot Box
1 [farts.]
[laughs.]
- Why are farts so funny, you know? - I'll tell you why.
Farts remind us that we're trapped inside decaying tombs of flesh, slowly marching towards death.
We laugh to maintain a thin mask of sanity in the face of our inevitable fate.
[farts.]
[all laugh.]
That was a wet one, my friends.
[techno music.]
2x06 - Hot Box [Roy.]
Thumbs up on that? Oh, hell yes.
Uh-uh.
Well, wait.
What was wrong with her? Not enough sizzle for the Roy monster.
I'm looking for them dirty girls.
Ooh, look at this one, though.
[phone rings.]
Oh, what's good, hot dog man? Yeah, I can't believe you would show a homeless man defecating on your stupid television show.
That's actually pretty standard for our show.
Imagine my shock as I watched TripTank and I see a mumbling Depression Era hobo taking a shit on the bushes in front of my house.
Wait, did you say in front of your house? Yes, right now! You're showing why is TripTank showing a wall-eyed drifter dropping a deuce on my hedges? Are you sure you're watching TripTank? Oh, yeah, that is just my window.
My mistake.
- Oh, okay.
- [boing.]
Oh, hell yeah.
I just got fingered in my hot box nice.
That's my first Hot Box Finger Blast this week, man.
Roy's gonna hook it up.
[squish.]
[trumpet blares.]
Ha-ahem! Joe! Down here.
What's it take to get a drink in this dump, huh? Whoa! Well, there we go.
A pair of tits and blonde hair.
Typical sexist bullshit, am I right? Come on, man.
He's just swamped.
I'm telling you, he's only serving hot chicks.
[burps.]
[neighs.]
Well, I stand corrected, don't I? - 'Cause she's ugly.
- That's my girlfriend.
Really? Did you lose a bet? - Look, dude - I'm just kidding around, man.
Hey, you're doing the Lord's work here, right? Everybody needs love, huh? - Even a sea hag.
Anyway - He called me a sea hag? Are you calling my girlfriend a sea hag? Hey, I'm just trying to have a drink in peace, all right? You get a load of these two? It's like they've never been in a bar before.
Amateurs.
[clattering.]
Hey, what the hell, man? Calm down, big boy.
Accidents happen.
Don't go acting like these two cat boxes.
Cat box? What's that even mean? It means, you don't want to go around acting like a complete amateur who can't hold his liquor and picks on people who are slightly smaller than him just to make himself feel better about dating a sea hag.
- Hey! - Quiet down, lady.
I'll get to you in a minute.
- What's going on down here? - Oh, here you are.
Finally.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt with my petty request that you actually do your job for a moment.
I'll have a whiskey sour, please.
Light on the ice.
How about you get the hell out of my bar? Don't make a maniac out of me! I will take that whiskey sour now with two cherries, please! And, you know what? Why don't you get my friend here another beer? If he's going home with her, he's going to need it.
Asshole.
High five, right? [screams.]
[comical end notes.]
[laughs.]
- Daddy, why won't - Uh, uh, uh.
What does Daddy say about questions? [sighs.]
I'll ask Google first.
Why won't Mommy come home? [game on TV.]
There once was a baby who never left his womb Now he's 34 and not going anywhere soon It's Ma & Frankie That's me.
[laughs.]
- Watch it, ma.
- You know, it wouldn't kill you to help me around the house a little.
I got a lot on my plate right now.
That's okay.
I like manual labor.
- Are you crying, ma? - [whimpering.]
No.
- Okay, okay, I'll help.
- Great! - You can start with vacuuming.
- Under one condition.
If you let me watch WWF Death Matches.
I don't want you watching that stuff.
That's probably why you have nightmares.
No, I get nightmares when you have too much coffee.
No, no, no, no.
That wrestling is too violent.
Listen, I'll clean the whole damn house, okay? Deal.
[cheerful '50s-like music.]
Is it a black tie affair? Hi, Marla.
[gasps.]
WWF's on in five minutes, Ma.
Water the plants, and you're done.
Oh.
- Where are you going? - This is making me have to pee.
Ma, make it quick.
[toilet flushes.]
Whew.
Sorry about that.
Okay, continue.
Ma, we need a plan.
Hold it to the end, otherwise I'm - gonna miss everything.
- I'll try my best.
- Uh-oh.
- Hold it, Ma.
- I'm trying.
- Hold.
- Oh my God, oh.
- Hold.
- Hurry up, Frankie.
- You can do it, Ma.
I can't! - Ma, it already started.
- So have I! Oh.
[Frankie.]
I thought it only made you pee.
[bell dings.]
Oh, Ma! It's Ma & Frankie Yeah, I was about to put up, but I nah.
I decided to [whispers.]
.
Heh, what are you guys doing in here? We making a list of the top five hottest chicks we ever banged.
Yeah.
Oh, man, my top five is my only five.
And there's only four.
Okay, three.
Two? One, bust it.
I ain't never had sex In my whole entire life of regret I've only had pets And it's hard as heck to get a dog wet [barks.]
Baby mama, baby's mama's mama What are you boys doing in here? Listening to Baby Wayne? Yeah, Ma, we listening to Baby Wayne.
Heh, my boys.
They love their Baby Wayne.
We're not listening to Baby Wayne, Ma.
- It's okay, honey.
- Come on, Ma.
You're embarrassing me in front of [record scratches.]
- Baby Wayne? - Hey, man, hey.
Hey, you don't need to worry about what's in my cup, man.
I I know what's in my cup.
It's my cup.
I know what's in my cup.
You don't You don't need to worry about what's in my cup.
- You understand? - Yeah, man.
[techno music.]
All right, so are we doing this, or what? Excuse me? You and I both knew this was gonna happen the moment we set eyes on each other.
Mmm [bam.]
[comical end notes.]
[hip hop music.]
[phone rings.]
Ooh, ooh do nutsack face, man.
Nutsack face, right now.
Nutsack face! This is TripTank.
Oh, I am very sorry, Mr.
Sinclair.
No, I didn't realize the call was coming from inside the building.
Yes no, no, no, of course, yes, right away.
- Shit.
That was Chaz Sinclair.
- Chaz Sinclair, what does he want? Chaz Sinclair wants to see both of us in his office right away.
Why would TripTank's attorney Chaz Sinclair want to see both of us in his office right away? [phone.]
# Dun, dun, duh # Aw, shit, man, that dirty girl just unfingered me.
[fart.]
Are you asleep? Good.
Oh, it's time to dream.
[whispering.]
# Dream wizard # You're in Florida, land of the dolphins.
The friendly dolphins.
[dolphins chittering.]
You are swimming with them out in the salty Atlantic Ocean.
They jump, and you jump.
They dive and you dive.
- Ooh.
- You understand their language.
So well, in fact, you understand when they tell you, we 'bout to rape this boy out here in the middle of the Atlantic.
One of them named Bottlenose McGee grabs you from behind and slowly enters you with his flipper.
Ugh! And then you, screaming at the top of your lungs [mimics dolphin noises.]
which is actually dolphin for "keep pumping me more," [phone chimes.]
and oh, I gotta go.
But just know this that you're getting raped by a dolphin, and you just keep asking him to pump you more.
Oh, and, by the way.
This shit is real.
[gasps.]
[siren.]
[police radio chatter.]
- Do you know why I pulled you over? - Because I'm black? I'm glad we're on the same page.
I'm gonna read you your rights.
[laughs.]
Just kidding.
Let's get you in the car.
[techno music.]
[male announcer.]
Prepare yourselves, space travelers, for the most awesometastic, fundorable adventure of a lifetime, with your pal Me! I'm Ricky the Rocketship.
Nature's full of so much stuff we can appreciate From the sky and the clouds to the sand on the ground And the water and the fish and the lake [cheers and applause.]
Get ready, kids.
You're on in 30.
Everyone's watching.
I'm too nervous.
I can't do this.
[cries.]
[cries.]
Aah! The trees are coming to eat me! Ricky! No, it's me Billy.
Oh, sorry, I didn't recognize you.
Why are you running away from school dressed like a tree? See, we're doing a school play, and I'm too scared to go on stage.
- I don't want everyone to laugh at me.
- Oh, don't worry, Billy.
You're just a tiny speck of dust in the cosmic void.
Your life and existence are entirely meaningless, so why be afraid of a little old play? I know, how about you and I both do the play? [cat meows.]
Oh, not bad, eh? Come on let's break your legs! [car alarm whoops.]
Whoo hoo hoo! Yeah! [laughs.]
[screams.]
[rumbling.]
I'm here! - Oh! - Aah! Oh, jeepers, my lines.
[people screaming.]
Billy, do you know the lines? [gasps.]
I can't hear you, Billy.
Use your stage voice.
Oh, whatever, I'll just sing the harmony.
[deep voice.]
# La-laaaaa # [screams.]
Laaaaaaa [yells.]
[Ricky holds note.]
Ooh, you guys are really good singers.
How do you hold your notes for so long? Oh, jippety skippety! How are you gonna get through this jar of pickles? Now, down a little further.
Further.
Yes, right there.
The little gap between your thighs, that when you walk away, the light shines through it and it forms a perfect triangle of joy.
Mm, yes.
I could just spend the rest of my life right there.
So delicious.
All right, bye-bye now.
[beep.]
Boys, fantastic, you're here.
That was the head of the CDC on the phone just now, and we are in a lot of trouble.
- We are? - Well, you are.
Look, here's the short of it.
Apparently, an episode of TripTank has been giving some of our younger viewers a deadly brain virus.
- Oh, no, what episode? - [boing.]
Yes, hotbox fingerblast.
- Bang! - Let me check.
Uh here it is.
The episode entitled Brain Virus.
[cell phone.]
# Dun, dun, duh # Damn it, that girl gave me the shocker.
What is that, Mr.
Winchester? What is that sound your phone keeps making? Just now, I got fingered by a lady in my Hot Box.
Oh, well, I sure like the sound of that.
- Do go on.
- It's a hookup app, man.
Helps you meet dirty girls within a 3-mile radius.
Wonderful.
You and I have a lot to talk about.
Wait, did you just say we're responsible for a bunch of sick children? Oh, they're not sick, no.
They're dead.
The TripTank brain virus killed them.
Well, legally, you killed them.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
[boing.]
Boo-yah! Goddamn! I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, gentlemen, we're looking at a lengthy criminal investigation here, but I must be sure of one thing first.
Are people still wearing bootcut jeans? [cell phone.]
# Duh, dun, duh # Shit.
[alarm ringing.]
[Ricky grunting.]
[Ricky sings on video, screaming in background.]
[sighs.]
On to the next one.
[techno music.]
You're a sick, twisted piece of shit.
You know that? You torched that old folks' home, and then you pushed that bus full of special needs kids off a cliff, and then you threw that bag of kittens in a river! You'd be behind bars right now if it weren't for one thing! This.
Good night, you magnificent son of a bitch.
[kisses.]
Ahh.
So this is my own personal Hot Box, where I can get shocked and fingered, and I can finger and shock? Yeah, man, you just enter your name, where you're from, and things you like.
You know, I put, like, Camaros and alligators.
- You know, cool shit.
- Ah, I see.
Let's put aged Manchego cheese and Yo-Yo Ma.
What else are girls into these days? Well, I know they like getting ripped on the weekend.
Perfect, put that in too.
Okay, now we just need a picture for your profile.
Oh, I've heard of this.
This is where I need the dick pic.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Why, what's wrong with a dick pic? Girls love a good dick pic.
There's plenty already on the phone.
Oh, yeah, wow.
Oh, there they are.
[Chaz.]
Yeah, any of those will do.
Hold on, wait.
How old are the girls in this Hot Box? Oh, don't worry Chaz, man, they all have to be over 18.
- Oh, well, okay.
- Some of them lie, though.
Oh, well, okay! [inhales.]
Let's keep going, this is wonderful.
I'm sorry, that was unprofessional.
[inhales.]
Would you boys also care for a popper? Oh, God! If we had that handbag, we would get so many hunks.
Totally.
Okay, so, how can we get money to buy Cucci bags? - We could get jobs.
- Or we could, like, rob a bank.
- Or we could work.
- Ugh, gross! But I guess we could give it a try.
Go legit.
So what can you bring to the Ice Cream Palace team? Um, I can eat, like, maybe the most ice cream out of anyone in the world.
That's not an exaggeration.
You're not actually allowed to eat the ice cream.
This interview is over! - That's the worst thing I heard ever! - Ooh! So this job requires some Singing and dancing experience - # Ba-dop-bop # - Oh, pick me.
I love singing.
I had a dream my life would be so different From this hell I'm living So different now from what it seemed Jen, what did I say about your stupid, pitchy singing? God, it sounds like raccoons getting raped by bigger raccoons with huge human penises while they sing pitchy and bad.
M'ladies, welcome to the home of the world's classiest hat, that which can transform a boy into a debonair man.
[grunts.]
Stupid idiots.
Obviously no one wants to hire us because we're too awesome, and we would totally climb the corporate ladder and take their jobs, and then fart in their mouths.
- Totally.
- Alright, let's go to the original and obviously, like, much better plan.
Give me money! Give me money! [panting.]
Beth, what are you doing? I'll take what's mine with fire and blood.
I need a Cucci handbag! Hey, the security team is hiring.
I think you guys would be perfect.
What do you say.
You want to join the team? [music.]
- Hi.
Is there a problem? - Uh, yeah, hi, there is a problem.
We got a report that those bags over there are counterfeit.
- Oh - And we're going to have to confiscate them.
Okay, great.
You have betrayed the code of the mall security guard.
Sorry, but you're gonna have to hand over your badges.
You can't arrest me.
I am the law! Put the turkey legs down, or we'll be forced to tase you.
[yells and farts.]
Oh, God.
Oh, fine.
I quit.
I just pooped this uniform anyway.
Oh, my God, are you okay? Yeah, just hand me the Cucci bag.
Cucci bag and turkey leg, you're literally my only friends.
I love you so much.
Ooh, Amy, you are a naughty girl and you are going to get my finger.
Chelsea, you are naughty, naughty, naughty.
[squish.]
Finger.
Ugh, Lisa gross.
You get the shocker.
[pffftt.]
Oh, here we go.
Candy.
You look delicious, and I will eat you up.
[cell phone rings.]
What's up, hot dog man? The boys are right, this is a fun game.
Oh? Oh, I see.
Well, great.
- Guys, wake up.
- Ahh cream sandwiches! Gentlemen, I have some wonderful news.
Remember all those dead children? Yeah, how could I forget about a bunch of children that I killed? Well, it turns out their parents died too.
- Isn't that fantastic? - Oh, my God.
As it turns out, there was a taint in the water supply.
The fluoride levels were off the charts.
Man, I told you the government was poisoning us.
Wait, wait, wait so we didn't give the kids a brain virus? Oh, you did.
Very much so, yes.
But that's not what killed them, so you're off the hook.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to fingering these young women.
Oh, Natalie.
Delicious.
[squish.]
Actually on second thought, gross.
[pffft.]
[hip hop music.]
[techno music.]
[pastoral music.]
[gunfire.]
[neighs.]
[coughs.]
Please, deliver this to my wife.
Hee-yah! Ha! Hee-yah! [upbeat music.]
[both yell.]
[Native American war cries.]
[war cries.]
[horse neighs.]
[gasps.]
[groans.]
Oh [distant wolf whistle.]
A dick pic.
Mmm! [phone rings.]
Hey, hey, sloppy Joe, this is TripTank.
Hello? TripTank? My heart gets excited when your show's on my TV box.
Well, that's quite a compliment.
- Thank you.
- I feel like I'm gonna explode.
Pressure builds [wheezy breaths.]
and it builds and it builds, and it demands a release.
Ooh! Mister Jingles.
Oh, your soothing purr brings me back from the brink.
Well, it's great to have you back.
- I'm glad you're okay.
- Who is this? Get the hell off my phone.
[cat purring.]
Me and Mister Jingles are having some private times.
Gentlemen, can either of you recommend a local floral merchant? I'm meeting a charming young lady from the Hot Box named Jasmine, as she has requested that I bring 80 roses for an activity called "BBATM".
You're aware that 80 roses is just code for $80.
Oh, and BB means "bareback".
She's a hooker, man.
Really? A lady of the night.
Fantastic.
I still can't figure out what "ATM" means, but I bet it's delicious.
[squish.]
Call wife.
[phone rings.]
[wife.]
Hey, honey.
[alarms continue ringing.]
Hi, honey, it's me, your husband.
I'm still alive, and I'm taking the kid and moving to Canada forever.
The healthcare's better there.
- Talk to you never again.
- No, don't go! Don't leave me! No! [beep.]
[laughs.]
- Why are farts so funny, you know? - I'll tell you why.
Farts remind us that we're trapped inside decaying tombs of flesh, slowly marching towards death.
We laugh to maintain a thin mask of sanity in the face of our inevitable fate.
[farts.]
[all laugh.]
That was a wet one, my friends.
[techno music.]
2x06 - Hot Box [Roy.]
Thumbs up on that? Oh, hell yes.
Uh-uh.
Well, wait.
What was wrong with her? Not enough sizzle for the Roy monster.
I'm looking for them dirty girls.
Ooh, look at this one, though.
[phone rings.]
Oh, what's good, hot dog man? Yeah, I can't believe you would show a homeless man defecating on your stupid television show.
That's actually pretty standard for our show.
Imagine my shock as I watched TripTank and I see a mumbling Depression Era hobo taking a shit on the bushes in front of my house.
Wait, did you say in front of your house? Yes, right now! You're showing why is TripTank showing a wall-eyed drifter dropping a deuce on my hedges? Are you sure you're watching TripTank? Oh, yeah, that is just my window.
My mistake.
- Oh, okay.
- [boing.]
Oh, hell yeah.
I just got fingered in my hot box nice.
That's my first Hot Box Finger Blast this week, man.
Roy's gonna hook it up.
[squish.]
[trumpet blares.]
Ha-ahem! Joe! Down here.
What's it take to get a drink in this dump, huh? Whoa! Well, there we go.
A pair of tits and blonde hair.
Typical sexist bullshit, am I right? Come on, man.
He's just swamped.
I'm telling you, he's only serving hot chicks.
[burps.]
[neighs.]
Well, I stand corrected, don't I? - 'Cause she's ugly.
- That's my girlfriend.
Really? Did you lose a bet? - Look, dude - I'm just kidding around, man.
Hey, you're doing the Lord's work here, right? Everybody needs love, huh? - Even a sea hag.
Anyway - He called me a sea hag? Are you calling my girlfriend a sea hag? Hey, I'm just trying to have a drink in peace, all right? You get a load of these two? It's like they've never been in a bar before.
Amateurs.
[clattering.]
Hey, what the hell, man? Calm down, big boy.
Accidents happen.
Don't go acting like these two cat boxes.
Cat box? What's that even mean? It means, you don't want to go around acting like a complete amateur who can't hold his liquor and picks on people who are slightly smaller than him just to make himself feel better about dating a sea hag.
- Hey! - Quiet down, lady.
I'll get to you in a minute.
- What's going on down here? - Oh, here you are.
Finally.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt with my petty request that you actually do your job for a moment.
I'll have a whiskey sour, please.
Light on the ice.
How about you get the hell out of my bar? Don't make a maniac out of me! I will take that whiskey sour now with two cherries, please! And, you know what? Why don't you get my friend here another beer? If he's going home with her, he's going to need it.
Asshole.
High five, right? [screams.]
[comical end notes.]
[laughs.]
- Daddy, why won't - Uh, uh, uh.
What does Daddy say about questions? [sighs.]
I'll ask Google first.
Why won't Mommy come home? [game on TV.]
There once was a baby who never left his womb Now he's 34 and not going anywhere soon It's Ma & Frankie That's me.
[laughs.]
- Watch it, ma.
- You know, it wouldn't kill you to help me around the house a little.
I got a lot on my plate right now.
That's okay.
I like manual labor.
- Are you crying, ma? - [whimpering.]
No.
- Okay, okay, I'll help.
- Great! - You can start with vacuuming.
- Under one condition.
If you let me watch WWF Death Matches.
I don't want you watching that stuff.
That's probably why you have nightmares.
No, I get nightmares when you have too much coffee.
No, no, no, no.
That wrestling is too violent.
Listen, I'll clean the whole damn house, okay? Deal.
[cheerful '50s-like music.]
Is it a black tie affair? Hi, Marla.
[gasps.]
WWF's on in five minutes, Ma.
Water the plants, and you're done.
Oh.
- Where are you going? - This is making me have to pee.
Ma, make it quick.
[toilet flushes.]
Whew.
Sorry about that.
Okay, continue.
Ma, we need a plan.
Hold it to the end, otherwise I'm - gonna miss everything.
- I'll try my best.
- Uh-oh.
- Hold it, Ma.
- I'm trying.
- Hold.
- Oh my God, oh.
- Hold.
- Hurry up, Frankie.
- You can do it, Ma.
I can't! - Ma, it already started.
- So have I! Oh.
[Frankie.]
I thought it only made you pee.
[bell dings.]
Oh, Ma! It's Ma & Frankie Yeah, I was about to put up, but I nah.
I decided to [whispers.]
.
Heh, what are you guys doing in here? We making a list of the top five hottest chicks we ever banged.
Yeah.
Oh, man, my top five is my only five.
And there's only four.
Okay, three.
Two? One, bust it.
I ain't never had sex In my whole entire life of regret I've only had pets And it's hard as heck to get a dog wet [barks.]
Baby mama, baby's mama's mama What are you boys doing in here? Listening to Baby Wayne? Yeah, Ma, we listening to Baby Wayne.
Heh, my boys.
They love their Baby Wayne.
We're not listening to Baby Wayne, Ma.
- It's okay, honey.
- Come on, Ma.
You're embarrassing me in front of [record scratches.]
- Baby Wayne? - Hey, man, hey.
Hey, you don't need to worry about what's in my cup, man.
I I know what's in my cup.
It's my cup.
I know what's in my cup.
You don't You don't need to worry about what's in my cup.
- You understand? - Yeah, man.
[techno music.]
All right, so are we doing this, or what? Excuse me? You and I both knew this was gonna happen the moment we set eyes on each other.
Mmm [bam.]
[comical end notes.]
[hip hop music.]
[phone rings.]
Ooh, ooh do nutsack face, man.
Nutsack face, right now.
Nutsack face! This is TripTank.
Oh, I am very sorry, Mr.
Sinclair.
No, I didn't realize the call was coming from inside the building.
Yes no, no, no, of course, yes, right away.
- Shit.
That was Chaz Sinclair.
- Chaz Sinclair, what does he want? Chaz Sinclair wants to see both of us in his office right away.
Why would TripTank's attorney Chaz Sinclair want to see both of us in his office right away? [phone.]
# Dun, dun, duh # Aw, shit, man, that dirty girl just unfingered me.
[fart.]
Are you asleep? Good.
Oh, it's time to dream.
[whispering.]
# Dream wizard # You're in Florida, land of the dolphins.
The friendly dolphins.
[dolphins chittering.]
You are swimming with them out in the salty Atlantic Ocean.
They jump, and you jump.
They dive and you dive.
- Ooh.
- You understand their language.
So well, in fact, you understand when they tell you, we 'bout to rape this boy out here in the middle of the Atlantic.
One of them named Bottlenose McGee grabs you from behind and slowly enters you with his flipper.
Ugh! And then you, screaming at the top of your lungs [mimics dolphin noises.]
which is actually dolphin for "keep pumping me more," [phone chimes.]
and oh, I gotta go.
But just know this that you're getting raped by a dolphin, and you just keep asking him to pump you more.
Oh, and, by the way.
This shit is real.
[gasps.]
[siren.]
[police radio chatter.]
- Do you know why I pulled you over? - Because I'm black? I'm glad we're on the same page.
I'm gonna read you your rights.
[laughs.]
Just kidding.
Let's get you in the car.
[techno music.]
[male announcer.]
Prepare yourselves, space travelers, for the most awesometastic, fundorable adventure of a lifetime, with your pal Me! I'm Ricky the Rocketship.
Nature's full of so much stuff we can appreciate From the sky and the clouds to the sand on the ground And the water and the fish and the lake [cheers and applause.]
Get ready, kids.
You're on in 30.
Everyone's watching.
I'm too nervous.
I can't do this.
[cries.]
[cries.]
Aah! The trees are coming to eat me! Ricky! No, it's me Billy.
Oh, sorry, I didn't recognize you.
Why are you running away from school dressed like a tree? See, we're doing a school play, and I'm too scared to go on stage.
- I don't want everyone to laugh at me.
- Oh, don't worry, Billy.
You're just a tiny speck of dust in the cosmic void.
Your life and existence are entirely meaningless, so why be afraid of a little old play? I know, how about you and I both do the play? [cat meows.]
Oh, not bad, eh? Come on let's break your legs! [car alarm whoops.]
Whoo hoo hoo! Yeah! [laughs.]
[screams.]
[rumbling.]
I'm here! - Oh! - Aah! Oh, jeepers, my lines.
[people screaming.]
Billy, do you know the lines? [gasps.]
I can't hear you, Billy.
Use your stage voice.
Oh, whatever, I'll just sing the harmony.
[deep voice.]
# La-laaaaa # [screams.]
Laaaaaaa [yells.]
[Ricky holds note.]
Ooh, you guys are really good singers.
How do you hold your notes for so long? Oh, jippety skippety! How are you gonna get through this jar of pickles? Now, down a little further.
Further.
Yes, right there.
The little gap between your thighs, that when you walk away, the light shines through it and it forms a perfect triangle of joy.
Mm, yes.
I could just spend the rest of my life right there.
So delicious.
All right, bye-bye now.
[beep.]
Boys, fantastic, you're here.
That was the head of the CDC on the phone just now, and we are in a lot of trouble.
- We are? - Well, you are.
Look, here's the short of it.
Apparently, an episode of TripTank has been giving some of our younger viewers a deadly brain virus.
- Oh, no, what episode? - [boing.]
Yes, hotbox fingerblast.
- Bang! - Let me check.
Uh here it is.
The episode entitled Brain Virus.
[cell phone.]
# Dun, dun, duh # Damn it, that girl gave me the shocker.
What is that, Mr.
Winchester? What is that sound your phone keeps making? Just now, I got fingered by a lady in my Hot Box.
Oh, well, I sure like the sound of that.
- Do go on.
- It's a hookup app, man.
Helps you meet dirty girls within a 3-mile radius.
Wonderful.
You and I have a lot to talk about.
Wait, did you just say we're responsible for a bunch of sick children? Oh, they're not sick, no.
They're dead.
The TripTank brain virus killed them.
Well, legally, you killed them.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
[boing.]
Boo-yah! Goddamn! I'm not gonna sugarcoat this, gentlemen, we're looking at a lengthy criminal investigation here, but I must be sure of one thing first.
Are people still wearing bootcut jeans? [cell phone.]
# Duh, dun, duh # Shit.
[alarm ringing.]
[Ricky grunting.]
[Ricky sings on video, screaming in background.]
[sighs.]
On to the next one.
[techno music.]
You're a sick, twisted piece of shit.
You know that? You torched that old folks' home, and then you pushed that bus full of special needs kids off a cliff, and then you threw that bag of kittens in a river! You'd be behind bars right now if it weren't for one thing! This.
Good night, you magnificent son of a bitch.
[kisses.]
Ahh.
So this is my own personal Hot Box, where I can get shocked and fingered, and I can finger and shock? Yeah, man, you just enter your name, where you're from, and things you like.
You know, I put, like, Camaros and alligators.
- You know, cool shit.
- Ah, I see.
Let's put aged Manchego cheese and Yo-Yo Ma.
What else are girls into these days? Well, I know they like getting ripped on the weekend.
Perfect, put that in too.
Okay, now we just need a picture for your profile.
Oh, I've heard of this.
This is where I need the dick pic.
I don't think that's a good idea.
Why, what's wrong with a dick pic? Girls love a good dick pic.
There's plenty already on the phone.
Oh, yeah, wow.
Oh, there they are.
[Chaz.]
Yeah, any of those will do.
Hold on, wait.
How old are the girls in this Hot Box? Oh, don't worry Chaz, man, they all have to be over 18.
- Oh, well, okay.
- Some of them lie, though.
Oh, well, okay! [inhales.]
Let's keep going, this is wonderful.
I'm sorry, that was unprofessional.
[inhales.]
Would you boys also care for a popper? Oh, God! If we had that handbag, we would get so many hunks.
Totally.
Okay, so, how can we get money to buy Cucci bags? - We could get jobs.
- Or we could, like, rob a bank.
- Or we could work.
- Ugh, gross! But I guess we could give it a try.
Go legit.
So what can you bring to the Ice Cream Palace team? Um, I can eat, like, maybe the most ice cream out of anyone in the world.
That's not an exaggeration.
You're not actually allowed to eat the ice cream.
This interview is over! - That's the worst thing I heard ever! - Ooh! So this job requires some Singing and dancing experience - # Ba-dop-bop # - Oh, pick me.
I love singing.
I had a dream my life would be so different From this hell I'm living So different now from what it seemed Jen, what did I say about your stupid, pitchy singing? God, it sounds like raccoons getting raped by bigger raccoons with huge human penises while they sing pitchy and bad.
M'ladies, welcome to the home of the world's classiest hat, that which can transform a boy into a debonair man.
[grunts.]
Stupid idiots.
Obviously no one wants to hire us because we're too awesome, and we would totally climb the corporate ladder and take their jobs, and then fart in their mouths.
- Totally.
- Alright, let's go to the original and obviously, like, much better plan.
Give me money! Give me money! [panting.]
Beth, what are you doing? I'll take what's mine with fire and blood.
I need a Cucci handbag! Hey, the security team is hiring.
I think you guys would be perfect.
What do you say.
You want to join the team? [music.]
- Hi.
Is there a problem? - Uh, yeah, hi, there is a problem.
We got a report that those bags over there are counterfeit.
- Oh - And we're going to have to confiscate them.
Okay, great.
You have betrayed the code of the mall security guard.
Sorry, but you're gonna have to hand over your badges.
You can't arrest me.
I am the law! Put the turkey legs down, or we'll be forced to tase you.
[yells and farts.]
Oh, God.
Oh, fine.
I quit.
I just pooped this uniform anyway.
Oh, my God, are you okay? Yeah, just hand me the Cucci bag.
Cucci bag and turkey leg, you're literally my only friends.
I love you so much.
Ooh, Amy, you are a naughty girl and you are going to get my finger.
Chelsea, you are naughty, naughty, naughty.
[squish.]
Finger.
Ugh, Lisa gross.
You get the shocker.
[pffftt.]
Oh, here we go.
Candy.
You look delicious, and I will eat you up.
[cell phone rings.]
What's up, hot dog man? The boys are right, this is a fun game.
Oh? Oh, I see.
Well, great.
- Guys, wake up.
- Ahh cream sandwiches! Gentlemen, I have some wonderful news.
Remember all those dead children? Yeah, how could I forget about a bunch of children that I killed? Well, it turns out their parents died too.
- Isn't that fantastic? - Oh, my God.
As it turns out, there was a taint in the water supply.
The fluoride levels were off the charts.
Man, I told you the government was poisoning us.
Wait, wait, wait so we didn't give the kids a brain virus? Oh, you did.
Very much so, yes.
But that's not what killed them, so you're off the hook.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to fingering these young women.
Oh, Natalie.
Delicious.
[squish.]
Actually on second thought, gross.
[pffft.]
[hip hop music.]
[techno music.]
[pastoral music.]
[gunfire.]
[neighs.]
[coughs.]
Please, deliver this to my wife.
Hee-yah! Ha! Hee-yah! [upbeat music.]
[both yell.]
[Native American war cries.]
[war cries.]
[horse neighs.]
[gasps.]
[groans.]
Oh [distant wolf whistle.]
A dick pic.
Mmm! [phone rings.]
Hey, hey, sloppy Joe, this is TripTank.
Hello? TripTank? My heart gets excited when your show's on my TV box.
Well, that's quite a compliment.
- Thank you.
- I feel like I'm gonna explode.
Pressure builds [wheezy breaths.]
and it builds and it builds, and it demands a release.
Ooh! Mister Jingles.
Oh, your soothing purr brings me back from the brink.
Well, it's great to have you back.
- I'm glad you're okay.
- Who is this? Get the hell off my phone.
[cat purring.]
Me and Mister Jingles are having some private times.
Gentlemen, can either of you recommend a local floral merchant? I'm meeting a charming young lady from the Hot Box named Jasmine, as she has requested that I bring 80 roses for an activity called "BBATM".
You're aware that 80 roses is just code for $80.
Oh, and BB means "bareback".
She's a hooker, man.
Really? A lady of the night.
Fantastic.
I still can't figure out what "ATM" means, but I bet it's delicious.
[squish.]
Call wife.
[phone rings.]
[wife.]
Hey, honey.
[alarms continue ringing.]
Hi, honey, it's me, your husband.
I'm still alive, and I'm taking the kid and moving to Canada forever.
The healthcare's better there.
- Talk to you never again.
- No, don't go! Don't leave me! No! [beep.]