TripTank (2014) s02e10 Episode Script
Steve's Family
1 [Christmas music.]
I say there, boy.
What time is it? - Why, sir, it's 4:20.
- Nice.
[bubbles.]
[techno music.]
2x10 - Steve's Family [phone ringing.]
Happy Holidays.
This is TripTank.
- Hello, Steven.
It's your mama.
- Oh.
Hey, Mom.
I just wanted to say that I am so so sorry for what happened.
- I'd really rather not get into it.
- But you know it's not my fault.
When you see your father's sock on the bathroom door handle, that means don't come in! Ocupado! People getting freaky in the bathroom.
I-I know, I-I shouldn't have come in.
Your mother and your father are human beings, Steve.
Sex is only natural.
Even when it's unnatural your mama's got to have it.
Oh, TMI, Mom.
You may not know this, but your father is insatiable.
He might be all business in the boardroom, but he is a freak in the sheets.
- Oh, God, no.
Make it stop.
- Just thinking about your father's sexual appetite is making my nipples hard.
Ooh, that reminds me, it's getting chilly at night, so make sure you wear a coat.
Mama don't want you catching cold.
- Can we please get off the phone now? - Ha! Bye, baby.
Oh, God, my family is such a pain in the ass.
Good news is, I got the stain out.
What the hell's going on over there? Gary threw a holiday party and he didn't invite us? - What a prick! - Yeah! Why didn't we get to go to his lame-ass party? Well, it's for his lupus support group, so Here we go again with Gary and his "lupus!" - Always lording it over us.
- Oh, look at me, I got lupus.
I'm so special, let's throw a party.
- I know what we have to do.
- Yeah, we got to get lupus.
- No, Matt! We gotta get revenge! - Exactly what I was thinking.
- And this time, we do it prank-style.
- Oh! I've got it! Ultimate revenge in three, two [doorbell rings.]
Hot soup coming through.
What's going on here? I didn't order any catering.
Don't worry about it.
It's a gift from your - ex-wife or something.
- Well, that's surprising.
Last time we spoke, Barbara said some pretty hurtful things.
Yeah, whatever, dummy.
We'll be in the kitchen - making food and shit.
- Well, that sounds wonderful.
Wonderful, my shrimp-fingers are curing nicely.
Andy, Dana, where are we on the mini quich-aridas? Come on, guys! Get these canapes out on the floor.
- Yes, Chef.
- Right away, Chef.
Ah, damn it.
My hollandaise is breaking.
So when Donnie gets out of school for the holiday break, I think I'm finally going to take him snow shoeing.
Boring! Who would like some delicious shrimp fingers? - Don't mind if I - Not so fast, big boy.
There ain't nothing shrimpy about your fat fingers.
- This lady knows what I'm talking about.
- Hey, who decorated this dump? You know, old, uh, what's her name.
Uh, shit, what was her name? Damn it! Who wants farm-to-table porkrolls? - I do.
- Oh, not you, porky.
Oinky oinky oink! Up top! Helen Keller.
Helen Keller's the idiot - who decorated this place.
- Soup's up.
[clinking glass.]
Excuse me, everybody.
I just want to say it's great - that you all could make it today - Here is a special bowl of soup - I poured just for you, Gary.
- Uh, okay.
Now where was I? Oh, yes, okay first of all I am happy to be celebrating five years of flare-free lupus living.
- Try the soup! - Okay, in just a moment.
- Eat the soup, jerk! - Fine, okay.
I guess I'll try some of the soup.
[slurping.]
Mmm.
It's very good.
I'd like to thank all of you for coming and I know Matt, what the hell? I thought you were going to ruin his soup.
I did! It's completely under-salted.
I gotta be honest, dude.
That's kind of a soft prank.
Oh, well, I also put a shitload of castor oil in the bowl.
What the hell is castor oil gonna do? I'd like to give a hearty thank you to [vomits.]
- Enjoy the soup, Gary? - Bla What? - It's us, you moron! - Dana, Andy, Matt? What is this? Just your classic "dress up like caterers, serve a guy slightly under-salted soup spiked with castor oil, right before he gives a speech at his five year flare-free lupus anniversary party so he pukes all over the table" revenge prank.
Suck it, Gary! Whoo! - Wow.
Another great prank.
- And a great bowl of soup.
I don't think it's under-salted at all.
Well, that's because you have the palate of a five-year-old.
Suck it, Gary! [Christmas techno music.]
[mouse squeaking.]
[heart beat.]
[gunshot.]
[metal music.]
Man: Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Do they even like potato salad? Oh, I should have just brought flowers.
Or maybe mini-muffins.
- Darn it! Why didn't I think of that? - Honey, relax.
Okay? Everyone likes potato salad, and everyone loves you.
- And I'm sure my parents will, too.
- I hope so.
Um, just one thing I do want to, uh [chuckles.]
I do want to tell you in advance.
- Okay.
- And you know what? You might not even notice, but, uh [doorbell rings.]
my parents are Juggalos.
- Wait, what? - Whoop whoop.
- Oh! - Hey! - Whoop whoop, Mom.
- Whoop whoop.
- Hi, Dad.
- So, this is the new cotton candy.
Oh.
What a pleasant surprise.
Yeah.
Uh, Mom, Dad, this is Stacy.
Hi, I'm Stacy.
I brought some potato salad.
- Oh, ho, clown love.
- Yeah, mad mother[bleep.]
clown love.
Hope I don't nurdle in my drawers.
[both laughing.]
Craig, what is happening? - Well, don't be Richies, come on in.
- Oh, thank you.
Coming right on in to this interesting place.
[chuckles.]
So I'm finishing my residency.
It's my last day, and I never do this, but I finally work up the nerve to walk up to the cute internist I've been seeing around and I say Both: Do you like Fro-yo? [both laughing.]
- Well, that's fresh.
- Mad fresh.
So Craig said you guys have been doing some traveling? - Just got back from the Gathering.
- Uh, pardon? Gathering of the Juggalos.
Four days of celebrating the Dark Carnival.
Oh, yes, of course.
Um, how was it? Oh, yeah, Stacy, it was a trip on the wagon to Shangri-La.
- It really was.
- Huh.
We met some of the most pimp ass ninjas around.
I mean some real murder clowns.
Yeah, and you know who we saw there, Craig? The Homie Dead Cyrus Tha Killa.
- And he sends much clown love.
- Oh, how is Dead Cyrus? - Dead Cyrus Tha Killa is my godfather.
- Oh, fantastic.
- Oh, Dead Cyrus is pretty stale.
- Oh, no, I'm sorry to hear that.
- What's up? - Yeah.
He was having pain in his popsicle when he tried to Nutt, and the doctor told him he had cancer in his nizzos.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, TMI.
Yeah, unfortunately, it spread to his nugbone and then to his bowling ball.
Is Is he pursuing a course of treatment? Oh, yeah.
He's smoking a lot of mad trees - and he's swimming a lot.
- He swam in Hep Lake.
[chuckles.]
Whoop whoop.
Yeah, in Hepatitis Lake.
20 laps a day.
He actually looks phat, despite the circumstances.
Good.
If he needs a referral for an oncologist Well, anyway, enough of that voodoo.
Stacy, is, uh, your set from New England? - My set? - Your family.
Oh, yeah.
My dad is a dentist.
I bet he stays fixing crunked grilles, huh? I-I think so.
Um, but my mom is a veterinarian.
Oh.
And are your folks down with the clown? I don't think that they are.
No.
Well, forks up, forks down.
Mad wicked clown love for all.
Oh! Although kind of a funny story, my parents actually met at a Grateful Dead show.
[chuckles.]
So I guess it's safe to call them Deadheads.
[chuckles.]
That's [bleep.]
disgusting.
You need to get the [bleep.]
out of our house.
[Christmas techno music.]
[Christmas techno music.]
Wake up! On the truck.
Out! [thuding.]
[muffled screaming.]
[Christmas techno music.]
[whistling.]
Uh-huh.
Right.
Oh, I see.
- What are you doing, Roy? - Oh, this? I'm learning French.
I got me those new Bezoar Stone CDs from my Secret Santa.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, check it out.
[speaking French.]
[phone ringing.]
- Allo, TripTank.
- Hey, hey, buddy.
Hi, Uncle Ben.
Yeah, it's your favorite uncle, Uncle Ben.
I know.
Hi.
Do you need something? No, buddy, no.
I don't need a Can't your favorite uncle call you out of the blue - just to say "hey"? - Yeah, I-I guess you could.
I'm s While I got you on the phone, buddy, I need a teensy little favor.
I need to borrow the password for your Gmail account.
And also, when you get a second, buddy, could you swing by my place and walk my dogs? Just be seen in public with my dogs.
I need to borrow your car, I need to borrow a set of your clothes too.
Just something you wear all the time, buddy.
No big deal.
And then later today, I will potentially need two, or perhaps three pints of your blood.
That's no big deal, right, buddy? And could I borrow $347 please, buddy? I can't do all that stuff.
I have a job.
You're right.
Better make it an even four hundo.
How about this? You give me three pints of blood, 400 cash, and we'll call it even.
- That sound good? - Ugh.
Is there also any chance you own a gun, buddy? [quacking.]
[snorting.]
[phone chiming.]
- Hey.
Time for Versus.
- # Versus.
# [sniper rifle firing.]
[gurgling.]
[gurgling.]
[snarling.]
[all snarling.]
[sniffing.]
[laughing.]
[music.]
[laughing.]
[panting.]
[grunting.]
[all howling.]
[mumbling.]
[curious grunting.]
[curious grunting.]
[music.]
[whimpering.]
[sad grunting.]
[ravenous grunting.]
[grunting.]
[sniffing.]
[grunting.]
[glass shattering.]
[grunting.]
[chuckles.]
I use fork! [chuckles.]
Da, da, da, da.
[chuckles.]
Um [chuckles.]
Love me now? [chuckles.]
[applause.]
[howling.]
Do you, Wolf Man, take Nancy? I do.
Wolf Man love Nancy.
[grunting.]
Wolf son! [chuckles.]
Have a good day at work, Daddy.
[howling.]
[clicking.]
[Christmas music.]
[glass shattering.]
Oh.
Honey? [gasps.]
Oh.
Honey? [grunting.]
[grunting.]
Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, God! Oh, Nancy! I-I look, it's not ah! Aww, [bleep.]
it.
[howling.]
Ahem.
[chuckles.]
Winner Not Nancy.
[groaning.]
[upbeat music.]
Oh, ah.
[laughing.]
Oh.
[grunting.]
[laughing.]
Oh! [laughing.]
[mumbling.]
Hmm.
[phone trilling.]
[phone ringing.]
Hm? [tires screeching.]
Huh? Dum-de-dum-dum [gulps.]
[grunts.]
[whimpers.]
[grunting.]
Uh [tires screeching.]
Oh, hey, Emily.
Listen, I'll call you about the dry [vomits.]
That's guy's still going at it.
How much castor oil did you give him? I don't know.
All of it? Thanks for driving all the way from [vomits.]
akersfield.
God, he's in pretty bad shape.
We should get him a glass of water or ginger ale or something.
You know what? That's a good idea.
- Hey, Gary, we brought you some water.
- Oh, wow.
Thanks, guys.
- Ah! - Suck it, Gary! Whoo! Actually, that water feels pretty refreshing on my [vomits.]
Suck it, Gary! [phone ringing.]
This is TripTank.
Will you accept a phone call from an inmate at Hollywood County Jail? - Ugh.
Yes, I accept.
- Hey, Steve, it's your sister.
- Hey, Lindsey.
- Oh, here we go again! Mighty Steve from up on high, gracing us with his presence.
- You called me.
- Yeah.
I need you to pick me up from jail again, dude.
- Come on.
- What happened this time? We all know you're the better twin, Steve.
You're the one with the job.
You've still got all your toenails.
You never set Dad's Camaro on fire.
You don't eat your own hair.
You graduated from DeVry.
- Stop holding it over me.
- No, no, Lindsey.
I'm I'm on my way, okay? Just tell me where Forget it, Steve.
I'll just pay my late car registration and they'll let me out.
Sorry to have bothered you, asshole.
I'll let you get back to your big, fancy corporate job, you sellout.
[phone slams down.]
[sleigh bells ringing.]
[sips.]
Man: I usually take a couple of weeks off this time of year.
You know, recharge the old batteries.
[Christmas music.]
Oh.
Why did I eat all that bisque? Because it was crazy good.
Yeah, and we couldn't let those leftovers go to waste, right? Wait a minute.
Is this Gary's bisque? - Yeah, why? - Oh! Because I peed in Gary's bisque.
- I peed in Gary's bisque too.
- So did I.
I can't believe that asshole Gary made us eat our own pee! - What a sicko! - I hate him so much! Gary, you have won the battle, my friend.
But I assure you, you will lose the "it" sucking war.
Big time! All: Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! [dog barks.]
Suck it! Suck it! [coughs.]
Suck it, Gary! - Whoa.
What's going on here? - Ugh.
It's just my family.
They drive me crazy during the holidays.
They just keep on calling me and asking me to do all these Ow! What the hell? Oh, shit.
I thought that was a spider on your neck.
It's just a weird looking mole.
- Now what were you yammering about? - [phone ringing.]
Ugh.
Nothing.
TripTank, this is Steve.
Hey, buddy, how's it going? It's your dad.
Uh, I actually have a small issue with this laptop.
You know, your Uncle Ben sent me one of those email links.
And once that I saw it was pornography, I immediately closed it, of course.
Yeah, sure.
Whatever, Dad.
Anyways, I just need to clear the browser history before I give this computer back to you sister.
So, uh, where do I click? Just click on the top where it says "history.
" Okay, I'm I'm looking at the history now.
It says "Super Teen Swallow Contest.
" - Oh, my God.
- I'll clear that.
"Nurse Takes All Comers.
" Clear.
"Lolly Lickers," "Lolly Suckers," "Lolly Gaggers.
" All clear.
- You know you can just hit "erase all"? - "Thoroughbreds Ridden Hard.
" I think that one's just an equestrian blog, so let me double check.
Whoa! Whoa, no, that one should be cleared too! [horse neighs.]
[chuckles.]
I mean, there were horses involved, but This is the worst day of my life.
Right.
Here's one called "Too Many Fingers.
" Now, if I'm not ready to delete one of these immediately, is there, like, a delete later button or [Christmas techno music.]
Ho, ho, ho.
[humming "Deck the Halls".]
Oh, Jesus Christ! Not now! [both gasping.]
[panting.]
Jimmy, Bobby, get down here.
Please! - What's wrong, Santa? - Di a be tic shock.
- What what what does - Reach into my pocket.
[gasping.]
Other pocket.
Jam it in Santa's chest.
[gasping.]
- What? - What's the holdup, Claus? - We got Oh, shit, not again.
- Oh, my God.
Are you Prancer.
Yeah, that's right.
It's me, Prancer.
Everybody's favorite [bleep.]
reindeer, right? And this is Santa Claus.
And unless you jam that insulin needle into his fat [bleep.]
chest, Christmas is canceled.
Forever.
Oh, shit.
We're losing him.
Kid, come on! I'd do it myself, - but I have hooves.
- But but "But but but," but nothing! Do it! - Do it, Jimmy.
Save Christmas! - Do it, Jimmy.
Fine! Okay! - Here we go! - Whoa! - Yes! There we go.
- Jesus.
Thank you, boys.
Merry Christmas I guess.
You were very nice this year.
- Not naughty.
Ho, ho, ho, ho - No more cookies, dude.
Seriously.
- I know, I know.
- Oh, do you, you fat [bleep.]
.
[sobbing.]
You know, I learned something today, Steve.
- What's that, Roy? - French, you dipshit.
Didn't you see me walking around with these damn headphones on all day? - Oh, right.
- But actually, I learned that during the holidays, there's nothing more important than family.
Because no matter what, they've always got your back.
You know, Roy, you're right.
I guess I am pretty lucky.
I mean, my mom did make me this sweet ass jacket.
- Asshole! - Gah! - That your sister? - Yeah.
Hmm She got a fella? [Christmas techno music.]
[piano plays.]
Happy holidays from TripTank! Ooh! [slow Christmas music.]
I see the - # Ooh # - # snowflakes fall # Young children [screams.]
[truck's horn honks.]
I say there, boy.
What time is it? - Why, sir, it's 4:20.
- Nice.
[bubbles.]
[techno music.]
2x10 - Steve's Family [phone ringing.]
Happy Holidays.
This is TripTank.
- Hello, Steven.
It's your mama.
- Oh.
Hey, Mom.
I just wanted to say that I am so so sorry for what happened.
- I'd really rather not get into it.
- But you know it's not my fault.
When you see your father's sock on the bathroom door handle, that means don't come in! Ocupado! People getting freaky in the bathroom.
I-I know, I-I shouldn't have come in.
Your mother and your father are human beings, Steve.
Sex is only natural.
Even when it's unnatural your mama's got to have it.
Oh, TMI, Mom.
You may not know this, but your father is insatiable.
He might be all business in the boardroom, but he is a freak in the sheets.
- Oh, God, no.
Make it stop.
- Just thinking about your father's sexual appetite is making my nipples hard.
Ooh, that reminds me, it's getting chilly at night, so make sure you wear a coat.
Mama don't want you catching cold.
- Can we please get off the phone now? - Ha! Bye, baby.
Oh, God, my family is such a pain in the ass.
Good news is, I got the stain out.
What the hell's going on over there? Gary threw a holiday party and he didn't invite us? - What a prick! - Yeah! Why didn't we get to go to his lame-ass party? Well, it's for his lupus support group, so Here we go again with Gary and his "lupus!" - Always lording it over us.
- Oh, look at me, I got lupus.
I'm so special, let's throw a party.
- I know what we have to do.
- Yeah, we got to get lupus.
- No, Matt! We gotta get revenge! - Exactly what I was thinking.
- And this time, we do it prank-style.
- Oh! I've got it! Ultimate revenge in three, two [doorbell rings.]
Hot soup coming through.
What's going on here? I didn't order any catering.
Don't worry about it.
It's a gift from your - ex-wife or something.
- Well, that's surprising.
Last time we spoke, Barbara said some pretty hurtful things.
Yeah, whatever, dummy.
We'll be in the kitchen - making food and shit.
- Well, that sounds wonderful.
Wonderful, my shrimp-fingers are curing nicely.
Andy, Dana, where are we on the mini quich-aridas? Come on, guys! Get these canapes out on the floor.
- Yes, Chef.
- Right away, Chef.
Ah, damn it.
My hollandaise is breaking.
So when Donnie gets out of school for the holiday break, I think I'm finally going to take him snow shoeing.
Boring! Who would like some delicious shrimp fingers? - Don't mind if I - Not so fast, big boy.
There ain't nothing shrimpy about your fat fingers.
- This lady knows what I'm talking about.
- Hey, who decorated this dump? You know, old, uh, what's her name.
Uh, shit, what was her name? Damn it! Who wants farm-to-table porkrolls? - I do.
- Oh, not you, porky.
Oinky oinky oink! Up top! Helen Keller.
Helen Keller's the idiot - who decorated this place.
- Soup's up.
[clinking glass.]
Excuse me, everybody.
I just want to say it's great - that you all could make it today - Here is a special bowl of soup - I poured just for you, Gary.
- Uh, okay.
Now where was I? Oh, yes, okay first of all I am happy to be celebrating five years of flare-free lupus living.
- Try the soup! - Okay, in just a moment.
- Eat the soup, jerk! - Fine, okay.
I guess I'll try some of the soup.
[slurping.]
Mmm.
It's very good.
I'd like to thank all of you for coming and I know Matt, what the hell? I thought you were going to ruin his soup.
I did! It's completely under-salted.
I gotta be honest, dude.
That's kind of a soft prank.
Oh, well, I also put a shitload of castor oil in the bowl.
What the hell is castor oil gonna do? I'd like to give a hearty thank you to [vomits.]
- Enjoy the soup, Gary? - Bla What? - It's us, you moron! - Dana, Andy, Matt? What is this? Just your classic "dress up like caterers, serve a guy slightly under-salted soup spiked with castor oil, right before he gives a speech at his five year flare-free lupus anniversary party so he pukes all over the table" revenge prank.
Suck it, Gary! Whoo! - Wow.
Another great prank.
- And a great bowl of soup.
I don't think it's under-salted at all.
Well, that's because you have the palate of a five-year-old.
Suck it, Gary! [Christmas techno music.]
[mouse squeaking.]
[heart beat.]
[gunshot.]
[metal music.]
Man: Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Do they even like potato salad? Oh, I should have just brought flowers.
Or maybe mini-muffins.
- Darn it! Why didn't I think of that? - Honey, relax.
Okay? Everyone likes potato salad, and everyone loves you.
- And I'm sure my parents will, too.
- I hope so.
Um, just one thing I do want to, uh [chuckles.]
I do want to tell you in advance.
- Okay.
- And you know what? You might not even notice, but, uh [doorbell rings.]
my parents are Juggalos.
- Wait, what? - Whoop whoop.
- Oh! - Hey! - Whoop whoop, Mom.
- Whoop whoop.
- Hi, Dad.
- So, this is the new cotton candy.
Oh.
What a pleasant surprise.
Yeah.
Uh, Mom, Dad, this is Stacy.
Hi, I'm Stacy.
I brought some potato salad.
- Oh, ho, clown love.
- Yeah, mad mother[bleep.]
clown love.
Hope I don't nurdle in my drawers.
[both laughing.]
Craig, what is happening? - Well, don't be Richies, come on in.
- Oh, thank you.
Coming right on in to this interesting place.
[chuckles.]
So I'm finishing my residency.
It's my last day, and I never do this, but I finally work up the nerve to walk up to the cute internist I've been seeing around and I say Both: Do you like Fro-yo? [both laughing.]
- Well, that's fresh.
- Mad fresh.
So Craig said you guys have been doing some traveling? - Just got back from the Gathering.
- Uh, pardon? Gathering of the Juggalos.
Four days of celebrating the Dark Carnival.
Oh, yes, of course.
Um, how was it? Oh, yeah, Stacy, it was a trip on the wagon to Shangri-La.
- It really was.
- Huh.
We met some of the most pimp ass ninjas around.
I mean some real murder clowns.
Yeah, and you know who we saw there, Craig? The Homie Dead Cyrus Tha Killa.
- And he sends much clown love.
- Oh, how is Dead Cyrus? - Dead Cyrus Tha Killa is my godfather.
- Oh, fantastic.
- Oh, Dead Cyrus is pretty stale.
- Oh, no, I'm sorry to hear that.
- What's up? - Yeah.
He was having pain in his popsicle when he tried to Nutt, and the doctor told him he had cancer in his nizzos.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, TMI.
Yeah, unfortunately, it spread to his nugbone and then to his bowling ball.
Is Is he pursuing a course of treatment? Oh, yeah.
He's smoking a lot of mad trees - and he's swimming a lot.
- He swam in Hep Lake.
[chuckles.]
Whoop whoop.
Yeah, in Hepatitis Lake.
20 laps a day.
He actually looks phat, despite the circumstances.
Good.
If he needs a referral for an oncologist Well, anyway, enough of that voodoo.
Stacy, is, uh, your set from New England? - My set? - Your family.
Oh, yeah.
My dad is a dentist.
I bet he stays fixing crunked grilles, huh? I-I think so.
Um, but my mom is a veterinarian.
Oh.
And are your folks down with the clown? I don't think that they are.
No.
Well, forks up, forks down.
Mad wicked clown love for all.
Oh! Although kind of a funny story, my parents actually met at a Grateful Dead show.
[chuckles.]
So I guess it's safe to call them Deadheads.
[chuckles.]
That's [bleep.]
disgusting.
You need to get the [bleep.]
out of our house.
[Christmas techno music.]
[Christmas techno music.]
Wake up! On the truck.
Out! [thuding.]
[muffled screaming.]
[Christmas techno music.]
[whistling.]
Uh-huh.
Right.
Oh, I see.
- What are you doing, Roy? - Oh, this? I'm learning French.
I got me those new Bezoar Stone CDs from my Secret Santa.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, check it out.
[speaking French.]
[phone ringing.]
- Allo, TripTank.
- Hey, hey, buddy.
Hi, Uncle Ben.
Yeah, it's your favorite uncle, Uncle Ben.
I know.
Hi.
Do you need something? No, buddy, no.
I don't need a Can't your favorite uncle call you out of the blue - just to say "hey"? - Yeah, I-I guess you could.
I'm s While I got you on the phone, buddy, I need a teensy little favor.
I need to borrow the password for your Gmail account.
And also, when you get a second, buddy, could you swing by my place and walk my dogs? Just be seen in public with my dogs.
I need to borrow your car, I need to borrow a set of your clothes too.
Just something you wear all the time, buddy.
No big deal.
And then later today, I will potentially need two, or perhaps three pints of your blood.
That's no big deal, right, buddy? And could I borrow $347 please, buddy? I can't do all that stuff.
I have a job.
You're right.
Better make it an even four hundo.
How about this? You give me three pints of blood, 400 cash, and we'll call it even.
- That sound good? - Ugh.
Is there also any chance you own a gun, buddy? [quacking.]
[snorting.]
[phone chiming.]
- Hey.
Time for Versus.
- # Versus.
# [sniper rifle firing.]
[gurgling.]
[gurgling.]
[snarling.]
[all snarling.]
[sniffing.]
[laughing.]
[music.]
[laughing.]
[panting.]
[grunting.]
[all howling.]
[mumbling.]
[curious grunting.]
[curious grunting.]
[music.]
[whimpering.]
[sad grunting.]
[ravenous grunting.]
[grunting.]
[sniffing.]
[grunting.]
[glass shattering.]
[grunting.]
[chuckles.]
I use fork! [chuckles.]
Da, da, da, da.
[chuckles.]
Um [chuckles.]
Love me now? [chuckles.]
[applause.]
[howling.]
Do you, Wolf Man, take Nancy? I do.
Wolf Man love Nancy.
[grunting.]
Wolf son! [chuckles.]
Have a good day at work, Daddy.
[howling.]
[clicking.]
[Christmas music.]
[glass shattering.]
Oh.
Honey? [gasps.]
Oh.
Honey? [grunting.]
[grunting.]
Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, God! Oh, Nancy! I-I look, it's not ah! Aww, [bleep.]
it.
[howling.]
Ahem.
[chuckles.]
Winner Not Nancy.
[groaning.]
[upbeat music.]
Oh, ah.
[laughing.]
Oh.
[grunting.]
[laughing.]
Oh! [laughing.]
[mumbling.]
Hmm.
[phone trilling.]
[phone ringing.]
Hm? [tires screeching.]
Huh? Dum-de-dum-dum [gulps.]
[grunts.]
[whimpers.]
[grunting.]
Uh [tires screeching.]
Oh, hey, Emily.
Listen, I'll call you about the dry [vomits.]
That's guy's still going at it.
How much castor oil did you give him? I don't know.
All of it? Thanks for driving all the way from [vomits.]
akersfield.
God, he's in pretty bad shape.
We should get him a glass of water or ginger ale or something.
You know what? That's a good idea.
- Hey, Gary, we brought you some water.
- Oh, wow.
Thanks, guys.
- Ah! - Suck it, Gary! Whoo! Actually, that water feels pretty refreshing on my [vomits.]
Suck it, Gary! [phone ringing.]
This is TripTank.
Will you accept a phone call from an inmate at Hollywood County Jail? - Ugh.
Yes, I accept.
- Hey, Steve, it's your sister.
- Hey, Lindsey.
- Oh, here we go again! Mighty Steve from up on high, gracing us with his presence.
- You called me.
- Yeah.
I need you to pick me up from jail again, dude.
- Come on.
- What happened this time? We all know you're the better twin, Steve.
You're the one with the job.
You've still got all your toenails.
You never set Dad's Camaro on fire.
You don't eat your own hair.
You graduated from DeVry.
- Stop holding it over me.
- No, no, Lindsey.
I'm I'm on my way, okay? Just tell me where Forget it, Steve.
I'll just pay my late car registration and they'll let me out.
Sorry to have bothered you, asshole.
I'll let you get back to your big, fancy corporate job, you sellout.
[phone slams down.]
[sleigh bells ringing.]
[sips.]
Man: I usually take a couple of weeks off this time of year.
You know, recharge the old batteries.
[Christmas music.]
Oh.
Why did I eat all that bisque? Because it was crazy good.
Yeah, and we couldn't let those leftovers go to waste, right? Wait a minute.
Is this Gary's bisque? - Yeah, why? - Oh! Because I peed in Gary's bisque.
- I peed in Gary's bisque too.
- So did I.
I can't believe that asshole Gary made us eat our own pee! - What a sicko! - I hate him so much! Gary, you have won the battle, my friend.
But I assure you, you will lose the "it" sucking war.
Big time! All: Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! [dog barks.]
Suck it! Suck it! [coughs.]
Suck it, Gary! - Whoa.
What's going on here? - Ugh.
It's just my family.
They drive me crazy during the holidays.
They just keep on calling me and asking me to do all these Ow! What the hell? Oh, shit.
I thought that was a spider on your neck.
It's just a weird looking mole.
- Now what were you yammering about? - [phone ringing.]
Ugh.
Nothing.
TripTank, this is Steve.
Hey, buddy, how's it going? It's your dad.
Uh, I actually have a small issue with this laptop.
You know, your Uncle Ben sent me one of those email links.
And once that I saw it was pornography, I immediately closed it, of course.
Yeah, sure.
Whatever, Dad.
Anyways, I just need to clear the browser history before I give this computer back to you sister.
So, uh, where do I click? Just click on the top where it says "history.
" Okay, I'm I'm looking at the history now.
It says "Super Teen Swallow Contest.
" - Oh, my God.
- I'll clear that.
"Nurse Takes All Comers.
" Clear.
"Lolly Lickers," "Lolly Suckers," "Lolly Gaggers.
" All clear.
- You know you can just hit "erase all"? - "Thoroughbreds Ridden Hard.
" I think that one's just an equestrian blog, so let me double check.
Whoa! Whoa, no, that one should be cleared too! [horse neighs.]
[chuckles.]
I mean, there were horses involved, but This is the worst day of my life.
Right.
Here's one called "Too Many Fingers.
" Now, if I'm not ready to delete one of these immediately, is there, like, a delete later button or [Christmas techno music.]
Ho, ho, ho.
[humming "Deck the Halls".]
Oh, Jesus Christ! Not now! [both gasping.]
[panting.]
Jimmy, Bobby, get down here.
Please! - What's wrong, Santa? - Di a be tic shock.
- What what what does - Reach into my pocket.
[gasping.]
Other pocket.
Jam it in Santa's chest.
[gasping.]
- What? - What's the holdup, Claus? - We got Oh, shit, not again.
- Oh, my God.
Are you Prancer.
Yeah, that's right.
It's me, Prancer.
Everybody's favorite [bleep.]
reindeer, right? And this is Santa Claus.
And unless you jam that insulin needle into his fat [bleep.]
chest, Christmas is canceled.
Forever.
Oh, shit.
We're losing him.
Kid, come on! I'd do it myself, - but I have hooves.
- But but "But but but," but nothing! Do it! - Do it, Jimmy.
Save Christmas! - Do it, Jimmy.
Fine! Okay! - Here we go! - Whoa! - Yes! There we go.
- Jesus.
Thank you, boys.
Merry Christmas I guess.
You were very nice this year.
- Not naughty.
Ho, ho, ho, ho - No more cookies, dude.
Seriously.
- I know, I know.
- Oh, do you, you fat [bleep.]
.
[sobbing.]
You know, I learned something today, Steve.
- What's that, Roy? - French, you dipshit.
Didn't you see me walking around with these damn headphones on all day? - Oh, right.
- But actually, I learned that during the holidays, there's nothing more important than family.
Because no matter what, they've always got your back.
You know, Roy, you're right.
I guess I am pretty lucky.
I mean, my mom did make me this sweet ass jacket.
- Asshole! - Gah! - That your sister? - Yeah.
Hmm She got a fella? [Christmas techno music.]
[piano plays.]
Happy holidays from TripTank! Ooh! [slow Christmas music.]
I see the - # Ooh # - # snowflakes fall # Young children [screams.]
[truck's horn honks.]