Two and a Half Men s04e02 Episode Script
Who's Vod Kanockers?
Mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims, and yet both my ex-wives live on morning morning not again, please not again oh, thank god.
Always in the last place you look, huh? Have a nice day! you too Yeah Phil, it's Charlie,put me down for a ground on Detoit tonight.
What's the lineup? Well, excuse me But don't you think if the gambler is awake it'd be who is the bookie to be up as well? All right, then call me when you get off the can.
Are you aware that your sleep-over buddy was packing heat? Oh yeah Any hotter and she'd have burnt my pubes clean off! Charlie, a gun in the house Relax, she's a cop, or was a cop i'm always wanted by the cops.
I know she mentionned cops.
Unbelievable, so this was another one-night stand? Unless she comes back for her handcuffs, yeah.
Boy, how much satisfaction can you get from that? Handcuffs? Never really my thing.
But hey, she probably get some stuff last night that might not have been her first choice No, i mean how can you possibly get any satisfaction from an endless series of alcohol-soked one night stands, and even as the words are coming out of my mouth i realized this is a stupid question so forget i said it.
- She's married to a cop! - I hate to see you wasting your life, having drunken sex with women you don't care about.
Who asked you to move back in and watch? - You know who's good for you? - Don't go there Alan Mia.
She was beautiful, she was smart, she got you to clean up your act.
I'm telling you Charlie, letting her go was the stupidest thing you've ever done.
You're going there Alan I'm just saying you had this fantactic woman who was willing to marry you, and then you just threw it away, and for what? OK, you're there! You want to know why i gave up Mia? I'll tell you why i gave up Mia, - I gave her up for you - Oh oh, for me? Yeah, yeah, for you! She wanted you to move out so we would have the house to ourselves, but i said "nooo way, I am not throwing my brother out on the street" - what a loving gesture - Oh bite me! And you know what you did? You married Kandi and moved out anyway, So if you want to know why i let the best thing that ever happened to me get away, it's so the worst thing that could ever happen to me would have a place to live.
I guessed it all worked out for the best, ha? - How do you figure? - Think about it: if Mia had been living here when Kandi kicked me out and i came back, it would have been a very awkward situation.
Charlie? Oh yeah, awkward.
.
Phil Phil, you're my bookie, not my psychiatrist.
If i want to bet every single game in the country with money i don't have, that's my business.
Thank you, now let's talk boxing.
Really? There's no fights anywhere tonight? Ok, then how do you and your wife get along? What, it would a fair fight, she's got like 50 pounds on you Hello My luck, i cannot have a bookie that is afraid to fight out of his weight class.
Aren't you a little worried that this betting might be turning into a problem? Alan, if you don't bet big you can't cover your losses, and if you can't cover your losses, a large man with a tyre iron put your adress in the map-quest, at which point you have to sneak across the mexican border dressed in woman clothing.
That's when you have a problem.
You know best, you're hungry? i made your favorite sandwich Turkey, ham and pastrami - no, thanks - ok, about something sweet? Key lime pie, yummy yummy Look, Alan, i appreciate your sucking up but you can't fill the gaping mooned in my heart with Deli meat - and pie yummy Can we just live it alone? Can we not grind on and on about the stupidest thing i've ever done? ok, i'm sorry i said that, giving up Mia was not the stupidest thing you've ever done.
It certainly wasn't as stupidous as when you came back from Rio with that gorgeous model, you know the one with the Adam's apple and the really big hands? You know, i'm gonna give you some space.
Maybe go for a nice drive forgot my keys You know what, they must have slipped down my pocket, and get into the couch huh, excuse me sorry found some change! Look, is that a quarter in your ear? Very impressive What is that? Steven Tyler rented the house next door The guy from Aerosmith? I lost my virginity to him - you know, his music - Thanks, i was confused He's apparently getting ready for a tour, so what's In the box? i went out and picked you up a little something that might put a smile on your face Alan, the only thing in this box that could possibly put a smile onto my face, is your severate head.
Good one, zing! Come on, open it! - a hat!? - a very expensive hat Since when do i wear hats? well, you don't but i saw it and it seemed so you cool, wreckish, yet forgiving - ok fine, i forgive you - thanks! thanks Aren't you gonna try it on? No If you really forgave me, you'd try it on Oh yeah, that is you.
Let's try tilting it a little bit here.
Oh baby! You gotta see this, come on inside, we'll take a look.
Charlie, you're coming? What's going on? You should leave, Alan.
- Why? - Just trust me All right.
Hey Tyler, take a pause for the cause! * Ho sorry man * * Thank you and goodnight! * Hi Charlie.
Rose.
How cool is it that Steven Tyler moved in next door i lost my virginity to him.
- you mean his music? - no Nice hat.
Thanks boy, you look like hell.
That's strange, 'cause i feel like crap.
How long do you think you can keep it up? What exactly are we talking about? The excessive drinking, the obsessive partying, the compulsive gambling.
Hard to say, trying to take it one day at a time.
You do realize this is all just an atttempt to avoid feeling your feelings? Let me tell you something about feelings, feelings are like your mother's breasts, you know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.
It's an interesting analogy but may i point out that the mother's breats are a source of nourishment and comfort.
Well yeah, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and russian vodka.
Not good for child wearing, but she was a big hit at parties.
Charlie, i know how much it hurt you to give up Mia, and i know you don't like that feeling, but the more you try to get rid of it, the more it's going to come back.
How yeah Perfect fit.
It's like somebody measured your head while you were asleep, so when your brother called, she could tell him the size.
Hey uncle Charlie, guess where i'm finally growing hair? Come on man, i'm eating.
Right here, i'm growing a stache.
Oh yeah, look at that Hey, cool hat! Whose is it? Yours.
- Really? - Yeah, it looks great with the stache.
You know, it just occured to me that i've been feeling guilty because you called off the wedding your wedding to Mia so i wouldn't have to move out but then, when i did move out, you didn't call her! Yeah, so? So, you know why i think you didn't call her? You didn't call her because of the all: "i don't want to throw my brother out on the street" business, it was a very convenient and noble excuse to get out of the marriage.
That's what you think? You heard me, that's what i think! Yeah, well Think again.
Admit it Charlie, i've beating myself up buying you pies and hats for nothing.
There's pie? There was, Berta ate it.
And why is he wearing your hat? I gave it to him.
I bought this hat for you.
And I gave it to Jake.
You can't commit to anything, can you? - It's just a hat! - It's not just a hat, it's a symbol! Of what?! Ok, it's just a hat.
But the point is, you have nobody to blame for your miserable lonely existence but yourself! And you can drink, gamble and hump all you want, but one day, you're gonna have to face that fact.
Sure, gamble and hump! Yeah well, i don't have to face anything i don't want to face, and i don't have to feel anything i don't want to feel, and that includes mom's vodka knockers.
Who is this vodka knockers that you speak of? Eat your dinner.
The name's kanockers, Vod Kanockers.
Charlie? Are you ok? Just dandy Could you close the blinds? Come on, let's get you inside Looks like you had a tough night! The night was great, it's the morning that's killing me.
- Hey Alan - What? You were right, i can't keep running away from my feelings i'm glad that you realize that.
You're a wonderful brother, and this, is a beautiful hat.
Thank you Charlie, you're ok? I'm fine The hat is not so good Hey, Berta, want to see my arm-pit hair? Only if you want so see mine - Hey - Hey You know that's my juice - I know.
- You could at least ask You could at least pay a rent.
Touché If that's a bookie or a woman you know what to say.
Harper residence.
Sorry, he's dead.
Interesting.
No one ever calls back to find out where to send flowers.
Touché How does it feel to go a whole week without booze, brads or betting? It's actually kind of a relief I never realized how much effort it took to avoid feeling anything.
Yeah? What are you feeling now? So far, mostly nausea and boredom.
Touché You don't know what that means, do you? Not a clue.
Hey, if girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? IHOP! That's just crual.
Actually, it's kinda funny.
Yeah! 'cause they got one leg, they have to hop! I hop! Tiping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning.
- It's not that funny - I know Why are you laughing so much? I don't know! Dad!? Something's wrong with uncle Charlie! What's going on? Hey Jake, tell your dad, how one legged girls work at IHOP.
Ho no, i gave away the joke.
I'm so sorry Jake.
I've ruined everything Is he ok? He's fine, his feelings are coming at the surface.
Oh, like when mom gets pms.
Well, kinda Hang on, uncle Charlie, i'll get you some chocolate.
What's he making out there? A lanyard He's got a lot of free time now, so i gave him one of Jake's old hobby-kits.
You know, so he has something to do I'm surprised he's not making a vagina out of macaroni and bottle caps.
around, around the block, and then downtown Over, over, loop, around, around the block, and then Yo dude! Some of them are trying to do crafts here! * What!? * Can you lay off the harmonica playing? * Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica * They pay to hear you sing, they tolerate the harmonica! * Sorry i don't measure up to your musical standards, * * you lame-ass, jingle writer! * All right, let's see how you play harmonica on your other end! No no no no, slow down here! come on * Let's see what you got, jingle balls! * Ok, i'm gonna rip off all of your big fat lips, and use them to kiss my ass! Charlie! Please, please You know your emotions are a little frailed right now Right! Right Ok, i'm better That's it! No, Charlie, Charlie! Wait! Charlie, don't do this! * Come on Tyler, you want a piece of me?! * Well the dude may look like a lady, but, you fight like a little girl.
Did it ever occured to you to help me out? Yes, but once you were covering under his picnic table i figured the worst was over.
Ho, good thinking squatting that bottle of sunblock at him.
i was hoping it would get in his eyes and blind him.
Yeah well, all you did was keeping him from getting a nasty burn while he beat the crap out of you.
Please Alan, i'm begging you Ok, not right to kick a man when he's down.
Thanks.
Too bad Steven Tyler didn't feel that way, huh? You were right about Mia, i got cold feet, so i used you as an excuse to call of the wedding.
I am so proud of you Charlie, this is a real breakthrough.
Doesn't it feel liberating to finaly hear yourself admit the truth? Well i feel sometimes But since i'm also hearing a high pitch whistle, it might just be a concussion.
What are you making? A needlepoint sampler.
No kidding? I find it very calming.
And the message helps God bless Vicoden? You spelled Vicodin wrong.
That's the great thing about Vicodin, i don't care.
Hey, is Charlie here? Hum Who may i say is calling? It's ok, Alan.
- Hey Chaz, thanks for the gift.
- You're welcome So no hard feelings? Nah You? Why would i have hard feelings, i'm still picking pieces of your ass out of my boot.
Good one! Ok well, good luck with the Tour.
Thanks a lot man.
Who is the sponsor? A damn mussel? What is that? Nothing, nothing I just want to say, i'm a huge fan, i lost my virginity to you.
Really, well you know there is a lot in the seventies i don't remember.
Isn't that the hat i got you? Yeah.
The hat you threw up in? i had it cleaned, but I'll always know
Always in the last place you look, huh? Have a nice day! you too Yeah Phil, it's Charlie,put me down for a ground on Detoit tonight.
What's the lineup? Well, excuse me But don't you think if the gambler is awake it'd be who is the bookie to be up as well? All right, then call me when you get off the can.
Are you aware that your sleep-over buddy was packing heat? Oh yeah Any hotter and she'd have burnt my pubes clean off! Charlie, a gun in the house Relax, she's a cop, or was a cop i'm always wanted by the cops.
I know she mentionned cops.
Unbelievable, so this was another one-night stand? Unless she comes back for her handcuffs, yeah.
Boy, how much satisfaction can you get from that? Handcuffs? Never really my thing.
But hey, she probably get some stuff last night that might not have been her first choice No, i mean how can you possibly get any satisfaction from an endless series of alcohol-soked one night stands, and even as the words are coming out of my mouth i realized this is a stupid question so forget i said it.
- She's married to a cop! - I hate to see you wasting your life, having drunken sex with women you don't care about.
Who asked you to move back in and watch? - You know who's good for you? - Don't go there Alan Mia.
She was beautiful, she was smart, she got you to clean up your act.
I'm telling you Charlie, letting her go was the stupidest thing you've ever done.
You're going there Alan I'm just saying you had this fantactic woman who was willing to marry you, and then you just threw it away, and for what? OK, you're there! You want to know why i gave up Mia? I'll tell you why i gave up Mia, - I gave her up for you - Oh oh, for me? Yeah, yeah, for you! She wanted you to move out so we would have the house to ourselves, but i said "nooo way, I am not throwing my brother out on the street" - what a loving gesture - Oh bite me! And you know what you did? You married Kandi and moved out anyway, So if you want to know why i let the best thing that ever happened to me get away, it's so the worst thing that could ever happen to me would have a place to live.
I guessed it all worked out for the best, ha? - How do you figure? - Think about it: if Mia had been living here when Kandi kicked me out and i came back, it would have been a very awkward situation.
Charlie? Oh yeah, awkward.
.
Phil Phil, you're my bookie, not my psychiatrist.
If i want to bet every single game in the country with money i don't have, that's my business.
Thank you, now let's talk boxing.
Really? There's no fights anywhere tonight? Ok, then how do you and your wife get along? What, it would a fair fight, she's got like 50 pounds on you Hello My luck, i cannot have a bookie that is afraid to fight out of his weight class.
Aren't you a little worried that this betting might be turning into a problem? Alan, if you don't bet big you can't cover your losses, and if you can't cover your losses, a large man with a tyre iron put your adress in the map-quest, at which point you have to sneak across the mexican border dressed in woman clothing.
That's when you have a problem.
You know best, you're hungry? i made your favorite sandwich Turkey, ham and pastrami - no, thanks - ok, about something sweet? Key lime pie, yummy yummy Look, Alan, i appreciate your sucking up but you can't fill the gaping mooned in my heart with Deli meat - and pie yummy Can we just live it alone? Can we not grind on and on about the stupidest thing i've ever done? ok, i'm sorry i said that, giving up Mia was not the stupidest thing you've ever done.
It certainly wasn't as stupidous as when you came back from Rio with that gorgeous model, you know the one with the Adam's apple and the really big hands? You know, i'm gonna give you some space.
Maybe go for a nice drive forgot my keys You know what, they must have slipped down my pocket, and get into the couch huh, excuse me sorry found some change! Look, is that a quarter in your ear? Very impressive What is that? Steven Tyler rented the house next door The guy from Aerosmith? I lost my virginity to him - you know, his music - Thanks, i was confused He's apparently getting ready for a tour, so what's In the box? i went out and picked you up a little something that might put a smile on your face Alan, the only thing in this box that could possibly put a smile onto my face, is your severate head.
Good one, zing! Come on, open it! - a hat!? - a very expensive hat Since when do i wear hats? well, you don't but i saw it and it seemed so you cool, wreckish, yet forgiving - ok fine, i forgive you - thanks! thanks Aren't you gonna try it on? No If you really forgave me, you'd try it on Oh yeah, that is you.
Let's try tilting it a little bit here.
Oh baby! You gotta see this, come on inside, we'll take a look.
Charlie, you're coming? What's going on? You should leave, Alan.
- Why? - Just trust me All right.
Hey Tyler, take a pause for the cause! * Ho sorry man * * Thank you and goodnight! * Hi Charlie.
Rose.
How cool is it that Steven Tyler moved in next door i lost my virginity to him.
- you mean his music? - no Nice hat.
Thanks boy, you look like hell.
That's strange, 'cause i feel like crap.
How long do you think you can keep it up? What exactly are we talking about? The excessive drinking, the obsessive partying, the compulsive gambling.
Hard to say, trying to take it one day at a time.
You do realize this is all just an atttempt to avoid feeling your feelings? Let me tell you something about feelings, feelings are like your mother's breasts, you know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.
It's an interesting analogy but may i point out that the mother's breats are a source of nourishment and comfort.
Well yeah, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and russian vodka.
Not good for child wearing, but she was a big hit at parties.
Charlie, i know how much it hurt you to give up Mia, and i know you don't like that feeling, but the more you try to get rid of it, the more it's going to come back.
How yeah Perfect fit.
It's like somebody measured your head while you were asleep, so when your brother called, she could tell him the size.
Hey uncle Charlie, guess where i'm finally growing hair? Come on man, i'm eating.
Right here, i'm growing a stache.
Oh yeah, look at that Hey, cool hat! Whose is it? Yours.
- Really? - Yeah, it looks great with the stache.
You know, it just occured to me that i've been feeling guilty because you called off the wedding your wedding to Mia so i wouldn't have to move out but then, when i did move out, you didn't call her! Yeah, so? So, you know why i think you didn't call her? You didn't call her because of the all: "i don't want to throw my brother out on the street" business, it was a very convenient and noble excuse to get out of the marriage.
That's what you think? You heard me, that's what i think! Yeah, well Think again.
Admit it Charlie, i've beating myself up buying you pies and hats for nothing.
There's pie? There was, Berta ate it.
And why is he wearing your hat? I gave it to him.
I bought this hat for you.
And I gave it to Jake.
You can't commit to anything, can you? - It's just a hat! - It's not just a hat, it's a symbol! Of what?! Ok, it's just a hat.
But the point is, you have nobody to blame for your miserable lonely existence but yourself! And you can drink, gamble and hump all you want, but one day, you're gonna have to face that fact.
Sure, gamble and hump! Yeah well, i don't have to face anything i don't want to face, and i don't have to feel anything i don't want to feel, and that includes mom's vodka knockers.
Who is this vodka knockers that you speak of? Eat your dinner.
The name's kanockers, Vod Kanockers.
Charlie? Are you ok? Just dandy Could you close the blinds? Come on, let's get you inside Looks like you had a tough night! The night was great, it's the morning that's killing me.
- Hey Alan - What? You were right, i can't keep running away from my feelings i'm glad that you realize that.
You're a wonderful brother, and this, is a beautiful hat.
Thank you Charlie, you're ok? I'm fine The hat is not so good Hey, Berta, want to see my arm-pit hair? Only if you want so see mine - Hey - Hey You know that's my juice - I know.
- You could at least ask You could at least pay a rent.
Touché If that's a bookie or a woman you know what to say.
Harper residence.
Sorry, he's dead.
Interesting.
No one ever calls back to find out where to send flowers.
Touché How does it feel to go a whole week without booze, brads or betting? It's actually kind of a relief I never realized how much effort it took to avoid feeling anything.
Yeah? What are you feeling now? So far, mostly nausea and boredom.
Touché You don't know what that means, do you? Not a clue.
Hey, if girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? IHOP! That's just crual.
Actually, it's kinda funny.
Yeah! 'cause they got one leg, they have to hop! I hop! Tiping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning.
- It's not that funny - I know Why are you laughing so much? I don't know! Dad!? Something's wrong with uncle Charlie! What's going on? Hey Jake, tell your dad, how one legged girls work at IHOP.
Ho no, i gave away the joke.
I'm so sorry Jake.
I've ruined everything Is he ok? He's fine, his feelings are coming at the surface.
Oh, like when mom gets pms.
Well, kinda Hang on, uncle Charlie, i'll get you some chocolate.
What's he making out there? A lanyard He's got a lot of free time now, so i gave him one of Jake's old hobby-kits.
You know, so he has something to do I'm surprised he's not making a vagina out of macaroni and bottle caps.
around, around the block, and then downtown Over, over, loop, around, around the block, and then Yo dude! Some of them are trying to do crafts here! * What!? * Can you lay off the harmonica playing? * Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica * They pay to hear you sing, they tolerate the harmonica! * Sorry i don't measure up to your musical standards, * * you lame-ass, jingle writer! * All right, let's see how you play harmonica on your other end! No no no no, slow down here! come on * Let's see what you got, jingle balls! * Ok, i'm gonna rip off all of your big fat lips, and use them to kiss my ass! Charlie! Please, please You know your emotions are a little frailed right now Right! Right Ok, i'm better That's it! No, Charlie, Charlie! Wait! Charlie, don't do this! * Come on Tyler, you want a piece of me?! * Well the dude may look like a lady, but, you fight like a little girl.
Did it ever occured to you to help me out? Yes, but once you were covering under his picnic table i figured the worst was over.
Ho, good thinking squatting that bottle of sunblock at him.
i was hoping it would get in his eyes and blind him.
Yeah well, all you did was keeping him from getting a nasty burn while he beat the crap out of you.
Please Alan, i'm begging you Ok, not right to kick a man when he's down.
Thanks.
Too bad Steven Tyler didn't feel that way, huh? You were right about Mia, i got cold feet, so i used you as an excuse to call of the wedding.
I am so proud of you Charlie, this is a real breakthrough.
Doesn't it feel liberating to finaly hear yourself admit the truth? Well i feel sometimes But since i'm also hearing a high pitch whistle, it might just be a concussion.
What are you making? A needlepoint sampler.
No kidding? I find it very calming.
And the message helps God bless Vicoden? You spelled Vicodin wrong.
That's the great thing about Vicodin, i don't care.
Hey, is Charlie here? Hum Who may i say is calling? It's ok, Alan.
- Hey Chaz, thanks for the gift.
- You're welcome So no hard feelings? Nah You? Why would i have hard feelings, i'm still picking pieces of your ass out of my boot.
Good one! Ok well, good luck with the Tour.
Thanks a lot man.
Who is the sponsor? A damn mussel? What is that? Nothing, nothing I just want to say, i'm a huge fan, i lost my virginity to you.
Really, well you know there is a lot in the seventies i don't remember.
Isn't that the hat i got you? Yeah.
The hat you threw up in? i had it cleaned, but I'll always know