Two and a Half Men s09e17 Episode Script
Not In My Mouth!
Sorry, Nigel.
Dinner took longer than I thought.
And now we are stuck in traffic.
Yeah, bumper to bumper.
Well, tell Ava I'll be there in an hour, okay? Okay.
Why didn't you just tell him the truth? Because I know my ex-husband quite well, and it would really upset him if he found out you flew me to San Francisco in your private jet just to have fried clams.
Yeah, you're right.
You shouldn't tell him.
Thank you.
I'll tell him.
I just wanted to do something nice for you before you went to London.
I'll only be gone a few weeks.
And I will miss you.
And I will miss you.
Whoa.
What was that? Don't worry, it's normal.
Ahh! That's not normal! God, oh, God, oh, God! Zoey, I love you.
I don't want to die.
Did you hear me? I said I love you.
I heard you, and I said I don't want to die.
Sorry about that, Mr.
Schmidt.
Just some clear air turbulence.
Should be smooth sailing from here on out.
I doubt that.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
Men Aw What's sadder than an empty bottle of wine? Being the boyfriend of a 40-year-old drunk soccer mom.
What? Oh, I was just thinking you might want to slow down a little.
It's only wine, geez.
It's only been wine since last July.
Hey, hey, that got a three-star rating in the Wal-Mart wine tracker.
What's the big deal? So, I need a few glasses to loosen me up.
Are you saying you need to get loaded in order to have sex with me? I'm not loaded.
Fine.
But it doesn't hurt.
Hey, guys.
Wally! Want some wine? No, I don't like to drink when I'm depressed.
Wally, it's the best time to drink.
Also when you're bored, lonely, or just, you know, too sober.
Why are you depressed? I don't know.
It's kind of personal.
Okay, no problem.
What do you do when you tell someone you love them and they don't respond? Drink.
Wait, you told Zoey you love her? Yeah, I thought the plane was gonna crash, and it just kind of came out, along with a little squirt of pee.
So, what did she say? "Oh, God, oh, God, I don't want to die.
" Well, given the circumstance, that's a legitimate response.
Sure, in the moment, but what about after the plane leveled out? Well, what did she say then? "Why do I smell pee?" Then we just sat there in silence for the rest of the flight.
Should have drank.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna go change my underwear before I get diaper rash.
Wow, I feel bad for him.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, to tell somebody you love them, and just get no response.
Awful.
You know how I feel about you, right? Right.
You know how I feel about you.
Oh, absolutely.
Still nice to hear on occasion.
Oh, I agree.
I can do this as long as you can, pal.
It's open.
Hey.
Can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.
What's up? I didn't sleep at all last night, man.
This Zoey stuff is making me crazy.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
I'm starting to wonder if I should break up with her, Oh, hang on.
I mean, just because she didn't say, "I love you," doesn't mean she doesn't feel it.
You think? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Some people have a hard time articulating their feelings, so they express them in other ways.
Is that Lyndsey? Yeah, she had a little too much vino last night.
Anyway, I think you just have to be patient with Zoey.
Yeah, I guess.
Sorry, I I have a a hard time with people throwing up.
Try watching and holding her hair.
It's just, Zoey's going to England for a few weeks.
And-and I'm th I'm-I'm starting to think if if I'm gonna end it, now would be a good time.
Well, it Whoa.
You think I'd be used to it by now.
No, no, no, don't Don't do anything hasty.
I can't I I can't just leave th I can't just leave things the way that they are.
Why don't you Why don't you go talk to her, you know, and just put your caaards on the table.
Yeah, maybe.
Crap, now I've got to change my bra.
I-I-I mean, maybe we should just give her some privacy.
Oh, God, now it's coming out both ends! Good idea.
Ava, you need to get dressed.
Mummy has to go.
Walden.
De-e-lightful.
Nigel, di-isgusting.
What, are you here to pick up your daughter? I am.
Zoey tell you that we took my jet to San Francisco last night for fried clams? No, she did not.
Well, we did.
Are you sharing this information just to upset me? Actually, I was hoping to make you feel inadequate as well.
Oh, Walden.
What are you doing here? Nigel, I'm running late, so will you for once please make yourself useful and help Ava get ready? Well, only because you asked so nicely.
Enjoy her.
Hi.
We need to talk.
Now? I'm about to leave for the airport.
I'll take you.
Thanks, but I have a car coming.
Now, where is my passport? Nigel, have you seen my passport? I don't live here, Zoey, I merely pay the rent.
Look, I just don't want to leave things between us the way that they are.
Everything's fine.
No, it's not.
I said I love you, and the only thing I got in response is the not very surprising information that you don't want to die in a crashing plane.
Can't we discuss this when I get back? What's there to discuss? You either love me, or you don't.
Walden, I'm about to leave on an important business trip, and the last thing I need right now is more pressure.
I'm not pressuring you.
I'm just asking you for a simple, definitive answer right now before you leave.
What was that? Sorry, just knocked over your Chinese table lamp.
Perhaps you can buy another one next time you jet to Francisco.
It came up.
I'm sorry, I just don't have the time for this now, okay? Ava, are you dressed? That seems pretty definitive to me.
That's it.
No more relationships.
I'm done.
Finished; just over.
Hi.
Hi.
And I'm back.
Men Hey, can I have 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty? $75 for a video game? Think of it as an investment.
An investment? Yeah.
If I go into the army after high school, I'll already know how to kill terrorists.
Who had corn chowder for dinner last night? How do you know anybody had corn chowder last night? 'Cause it's dripping all over your bathroom.
Oh.
Sorry about that.
Uh, Lyndsey got a little bit queasy this morning.
Is she pregnant? Oh, no, no, gosh, no.
Absolutely not.
Here.
Me? Not my girlfriend, not my vomit, not my problem.
I'll clean it up.
You will? For 75 bucks.
That's great.
Hey, everybody.
This is Jennifer.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Well, let's go take a walk on the beach.
Great.
Uh, Walden, before you go, can I talk to you for a minute? I'll bring him right back.
You'd better.
My name's Jake.
Hi, Jake.
My friends call me Jake.
What are you doing? Zoey made it perfectly clear.
She doesn't love me or need me.
So, I'm moving on.
You left here an hour ago.
How did you find another girl already? Oh, I met her in the elevator.
I've been in a million elevators.
I never once walked out with a girl like that.
Maybe you need to work on your attitude.
What exactly did Zoey say? No, it's what she didn't say.
She didn't say, "I love you.
" Oh, please! If I insisted on women saying "I love you"" I'd have never have had a girlfriend, a wife or a mother.
Oh.
It's Zoey.
Hello? So, Jennifer, how old are you? I'm 24-and-a-half.
Hmm.
Hmm? I'm surprised that you called.
Where are you? On the plane.
We're sitting at the gate.
- Are you okay? - No.
I feel miserable about the way we left things.
- You do? - Yeah.
I've just been so stressed and busy lately that I haven't been able to think straight.
But sitting here for the last 40 minutes without so much as a bloody glass of water, I've come to a realization.
I'm listening.
The reason I haven't said those words to you is because I'm afraid that if I do say them, something bad will happen.
Why would you think that? 'Cause it always has.
I've only said those words twice.
The last time, I ended up married to an insufferable twit.
And the time before that? I got a thank-you note and a Swatch watch from Russell Brand.
Russell Brand? Mm, not my proudest moment.
Okay.
I get it.
So, you're just superstitious about saying it, but it has nothing to do with the way that you feel about me? No.
Not at all.
In fact, the whole reason I called is to tell you that I honestly I Oh, there you are.
Ooh! Cool bedroom.
Who's that? Uh Berta.
You couldn't even wait till my plane takes off?! No, no, Zoey, it's not what you think! Oh, good-bye, Walden.
Zoey, just Awkward! Oh I can't believe I kissed the mouth that did this.
Alan, I need to talk to you.
Oh! Can we do it out here? Gladly.
Oh, good Lord! Looks like someone cleaned a deer in the bathtub.
What's going on? Zoey FaceTimed me from the plane to tell me that she loves me.
Good.
But she saw Jennifer in my bedroom.
Bad.
So, naturally, I immediately tried to call her back.
Good.
But she wouldn't answer.
Bad.
So I'm gonna fuel up my jet, and fly to London and beg for forgiveness.
Good.
Will you stop that, Alan? I-I need you to come with me.
Me? Why? Because I might need a witness, and you can say that you saw that nothing happened with Jennifer.
Great.
I'm your man.
I am not gonna touch that glove.
Come on.
Oh, uh, wait.
I promised Lyndsey I'd take her out to a big, fancy, romantic dinner tonight.
Bring her.
Really? Yeah, sure.
Well, I guess a private jet to London does beat an 11-year-old Volvo to the Olive Garden.
I'll-I'll pack a bag.
No, no, no, there's no time.
I'll buy you whatever you need in London.
You're kidding.
Yeah.
Come on.
Hey, if Zoey won't say it, I will.
I love you, Walden Schmidt.
Thank you, Walden.
This is just incredible.
Glad you like it.
Mm.
What did your son say when you told him you were flying to London tonight? He told me to bring him back some English pot.
This is definitely the way to travel.
No boarding passes, no airport security, none of those scanners that show strangers the size of your dingle.
Don't you worry about your dingle, honey.
He's a grower, not a shower.
Yeah, he told me.
He tells everyone.
Can I interest you in a brewski? What? That's Polish for "Do you want a beer?" I've traveled extensively through Asia.
Oh.
Thanks.
Are you sure Walden said he'd be right back? Forget Walden.
Let's talk about us.
Us? That's English for you and me.
Poppin' bottles in the ice Like a blizzard When we drunk, we do it right, gettin' slizzard Like a G-6, like a G-6 Uh, honey, honey, why don't you take your seat and put your seatbelt on? Pish, pish, party pooper.
Wally, this is so romantic what you're doing.
You are flying across a whole ocean just to win back the woman you love.
Thank you.
Alan, sweetie, I need to tell you something.
Yeah? I know I give you a hard time, but in my heart, I really, really love Oh, God! Oh.
Aah.
I'm so sorry.
Oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh.
So sorry.
Here.
Here.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, God! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, hang on.
Oh, God! I'll-I'll get I'll get some towels.
Okay, folks, we've got clear skies ahead, and we'll be in London in approximately four hours.
So, just sit back and enjoy the rest of your flight.
Men.
Bottom line, Zoey, I can assure you that nothing happened between Walden and that woman.
Really? What possible reason would I have to lie to you? Well, for one thing, he gave you and Lyndsey a free trip to London, where you all inexplicably decided to dress up like Japanese tourists.
That's my fault.
I kind of threw up on them a little.
A little? I might have to get a new plane.
Yes, yes, yes, that's all very interesting, but the fact remains that you still invited my neighbor Jennifer-- the whore from the seventh floor-- back to your house.
Yeah, but nothing happened.
Nothing happened 'cause I called and interrupted you! Okay, I think we're saying the same thing here.
Listen, the fact is, I love you.
Okay, and I was an idiot to put pressure on you, I made a terrible mistake, and I'm very, very sorry.
Okay.
Uh, we sh I think we should go.
I do love you, Walden.
You do? Of course I do.
That's why I called you from the plane, you ninny.
So you forgive me? Well, that depends.
Do I have to worry every time we have a fight that you're going to go out and pick up another woman? Not as long as I know that you love me.
Good answer.
Come here.
I love you, Lyndsey.
And I love you.
Oh, not in my mouth! Oh, God.
Oh, dear.
No, seriously, dude.
No lie.
All right, fine, you don't believe me? Here.
Yup.
Five times.
Best half hour of my life.
Dinner took longer than I thought.
And now we are stuck in traffic.
Yeah, bumper to bumper.
Well, tell Ava I'll be there in an hour, okay? Okay.
Why didn't you just tell him the truth? Because I know my ex-husband quite well, and it would really upset him if he found out you flew me to San Francisco in your private jet just to have fried clams.
Yeah, you're right.
You shouldn't tell him.
Thank you.
I'll tell him.
I just wanted to do something nice for you before you went to London.
I'll only be gone a few weeks.
And I will miss you.
And I will miss you.
Whoa.
What was that? Don't worry, it's normal.
Ahh! That's not normal! God, oh, God, oh, God! Zoey, I love you.
I don't want to die.
Did you hear me? I said I love you.
I heard you, and I said I don't want to die.
Sorry about that, Mr.
Schmidt.
Just some clear air turbulence.
Should be smooth sailing from here on out.
I doubt that.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
Men Aw What's sadder than an empty bottle of wine? Being the boyfriend of a 40-year-old drunk soccer mom.
What? Oh, I was just thinking you might want to slow down a little.
It's only wine, geez.
It's only been wine since last July.
Hey, hey, that got a three-star rating in the Wal-Mart wine tracker.
What's the big deal? So, I need a few glasses to loosen me up.
Are you saying you need to get loaded in order to have sex with me? I'm not loaded.
Fine.
But it doesn't hurt.
Hey, guys.
Wally! Want some wine? No, I don't like to drink when I'm depressed.
Wally, it's the best time to drink.
Also when you're bored, lonely, or just, you know, too sober.
Why are you depressed? I don't know.
It's kind of personal.
Okay, no problem.
What do you do when you tell someone you love them and they don't respond? Drink.
Wait, you told Zoey you love her? Yeah, I thought the plane was gonna crash, and it just kind of came out, along with a little squirt of pee.
So, what did she say? "Oh, God, oh, God, I don't want to die.
" Well, given the circumstance, that's a legitimate response.
Sure, in the moment, but what about after the plane leveled out? Well, what did she say then? "Why do I smell pee?" Then we just sat there in silence for the rest of the flight.
Should have drank.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna go change my underwear before I get diaper rash.
Wow, I feel bad for him.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, to tell somebody you love them, and just get no response.
Awful.
You know how I feel about you, right? Right.
You know how I feel about you.
Oh, absolutely.
Still nice to hear on occasion.
Oh, I agree.
I can do this as long as you can, pal.
It's open.
Hey.
Can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.
What's up? I didn't sleep at all last night, man.
This Zoey stuff is making me crazy.
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
I'm starting to wonder if I should break up with her, Oh, hang on.
I mean, just because she didn't say, "I love you," doesn't mean she doesn't feel it.
You think? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Some people have a hard time articulating their feelings, so they express them in other ways.
Is that Lyndsey? Yeah, she had a little too much vino last night.
Anyway, I think you just have to be patient with Zoey.
Yeah, I guess.
Sorry, I I have a a hard time with people throwing up.
Try watching and holding her hair.
It's just, Zoey's going to England for a few weeks.
And-and I'm th I'm-I'm starting to think if if I'm gonna end it, now would be a good time.
Well, it Whoa.
You think I'd be used to it by now.
No, no, no, don't Don't do anything hasty.
I can't I I can't just leave th I can't just leave things the way that they are.
Why don't you Why don't you go talk to her, you know, and just put your caaards on the table.
Yeah, maybe.
Crap, now I've got to change my bra.
I-I-I mean, maybe we should just give her some privacy.
Oh, God, now it's coming out both ends! Good idea.
Ava, you need to get dressed.
Mummy has to go.
Walden.
De-e-lightful.
Nigel, di-isgusting.
What, are you here to pick up your daughter? I am.
Zoey tell you that we took my jet to San Francisco last night for fried clams? No, she did not.
Well, we did.
Are you sharing this information just to upset me? Actually, I was hoping to make you feel inadequate as well.
Oh, Walden.
What are you doing here? Nigel, I'm running late, so will you for once please make yourself useful and help Ava get ready? Well, only because you asked so nicely.
Enjoy her.
Hi.
We need to talk.
Now? I'm about to leave for the airport.
I'll take you.
Thanks, but I have a car coming.
Now, where is my passport? Nigel, have you seen my passport? I don't live here, Zoey, I merely pay the rent.
Look, I just don't want to leave things between us the way that they are.
Everything's fine.
No, it's not.
I said I love you, and the only thing I got in response is the not very surprising information that you don't want to die in a crashing plane.
Can't we discuss this when I get back? What's there to discuss? You either love me, or you don't.
Walden, I'm about to leave on an important business trip, and the last thing I need right now is more pressure.
I'm not pressuring you.
I'm just asking you for a simple, definitive answer right now before you leave.
What was that? Sorry, just knocked over your Chinese table lamp.
Perhaps you can buy another one next time you jet to Francisco.
It came up.
I'm sorry, I just don't have the time for this now, okay? Ava, are you dressed? That seems pretty definitive to me.
That's it.
No more relationships.
I'm done.
Finished; just over.
Hi.
Hi.
And I'm back.
Men Hey, can I have 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty? $75 for a video game? Think of it as an investment.
An investment? Yeah.
If I go into the army after high school, I'll already know how to kill terrorists.
Who had corn chowder for dinner last night? How do you know anybody had corn chowder last night? 'Cause it's dripping all over your bathroom.
Oh.
Sorry about that.
Uh, Lyndsey got a little bit queasy this morning.
Is she pregnant? Oh, no, no, gosh, no.
Absolutely not.
Here.
Me? Not my girlfriend, not my vomit, not my problem.
I'll clean it up.
You will? For 75 bucks.
That's great.
Hey, everybody.
This is Jennifer.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Well, let's go take a walk on the beach.
Great.
Uh, Walden, before you go, can I talk to you for a minute? I'll bring him right back.
You'd better.
My name's Jake.
Hi, Jake.
My friends call me Jake.
What are you doing? Zoey made it perfectly clear.
She doesn't love me or need me.
So, I'm moving on.
You left here an hour ago.
How did you find another girl already? Oh, I met her in the elevator.
I've been in a million elevators.
I never once walked out with a girl like that.
Maybe you need to work on your attitude.
What exactly did Zoey say? No, it's what she didn't say.
She didn't say, "I love you.
" Oh, please! If I insisted on women saying "I love you"" I'd have never have had a girlfriend, a wife or a mother.
Oh.
It's Zoey.
Hello? So, Jennifer, how old are you? I'm 24-and-a-half.
Hmm.
Hmm? I'm surprised that you called.
Where are you? On the plane.
We're sitting at the gate.
- Are you okay? - No.
I feel miserable about the way we left things.
- You do? - Yeah.
I've just been so stressed and busy lately that I haven't been able to think straight.
But sitting here for the last 40 minutes without so much as a bloody glass of water, I've come to a realization.
I'm listening.
The reason I haven't said those words to you is because I'm afraid that if I do say them, something bad will happen.
Why would you think that? 'Cause it always has.
I've only said those words twice.
The last time, I ended up married to an insufferable twit.
And the time before that? I got a thank-you note and a Swatch watch from Russell Brand.
Russell Brand? Mm, not my proudest moment.
Okay.
I get it.
So, you're just superstitious about saying it, but it has nothing to do with the way that you feel about me? No.
Not at all.
In fact, the whole reason I called is to tell you that I honestly I Oh, there you are.
Ooh! Cool bedroom.
Who's that? Uh Berta.
You couldn't even wait till my plane takes off?! No, no, Zoey, it's not what you think! Oh, good-bye, Walden.
Zoey, just Awkward! Oh I can't believe I kissed the mouth that did this.
Alan, I need to talk to you.
Oh! Can we do it out here? Gladly.
Oh, good Lord! Looks like someone cleaned a deer in the bathtub.
What's going on? Zoey FaceTimed me from the plane to tell me that she loves me.
Good.
But she saw Jennifer in my bedroom.
Bad.
So, naturally, I immediately tried to call her back.
Good.
But she wouldn't answer.
Bad.
So I'm gonna fuel up my jet, and fly to London and beg for forgiveness.
Good.
Will you stop that, Alan? I-I need you to come with me.
Me? Why? Because I might need a witness, and you can say that you saw that nothing happened with Jennifer.
Great.
I'm your man.
I am not gonna touch that glove.
Come on.
Oh, uh, wait.
I promised Lyndsey I'd take her out to a big, fancy, romantic dinner tonight.
Bring her.
Really? Yeah, sure.
Well, I guess a private jet to London does beat an 11-year-old Volvo to the Olive Garden.
I'll-I'll pack a bag.
No, no, no, there's no time.
I'll buy you whatever you need in London.
You're kidding.
Yeah.
Come on.
Hey, if Zoey won't say it, I will.
I love you, Walden Schmidt.
Thank you, Walden.
This is just incredible.
Glad you like it.
Mm.
What did your son say when you told him you were flying to London tonight? He told me to bring him back some English pot.
This is definitely the way to travel.
No boarding passes, no airport security, none of those scanners that show strangers the size of your dingle.
Don't you worry about your dingle, honey.
He's a grower, not a shower.
Yeah, he told me.
He tells everyone.
Can I interest you in a brewski? What? That's Polish for "Do you want a beer?" I've traveled extensively through Asia.
Oh.
Thanks.
Are you sure Walden said he'd be right back? Forget Walden.
Let's talk about us.
Us? That's English for you and me.
Poppin' bottles in the ice Like a blizzard When we drunk, we do it right, gettin' slizzard Like a G-6, like a G-6 Uh, honey, honey, why don't you take your seat and put your seatbelt on? Pish, pish, party pooper.
Wally, this is so romantic what you're doing.
You are flying across a whole ocean just to win back the woman you love.
Thank you.
Alan, sweetie, I need to tell you something.
Yeah? I know I give you a hard time, but in my heart, I really, really love Oh, God! Oh.
Aah.
I'm so sorry.
Oh! Oh! Oh.
Oh.
So sorry.
Here.
Here.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, God! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, hang on.
Oh, God! I'll-I'll get I'll get some towels.
Okay, folks, we've got clear skies ahead, and we'll be in London in approximately four hours.
So, just sit back and enjoy the rest of your flight.
Men.
Bottom line, Zoey, I can assure you that nothing happened between Walden and that woman.
Really? What possible reason would I have to lie to you? Well, for one thing, he gave you and Lyndsey a free trip to London, where you all inexplicably decided to dress up like Japanese tourists.
That's my fault.
I kind of threw up on them a little.
A little? I might have to get a new plane.
Yes, yes, yes, that's all very interesting, but the fact remains that you still invited my neighbor Jennifer-- the whore from the seventh floor-- back to your house.
Yeah, but nothing happened.
Nothing happened 'cause I called and interrupted you! Okay, I think we're saying the same thing here.
Listen, the fact is, I love you.
Okay, and I was an idiot to put pressure on you, I made a terrible mistake, and I'm very, very sorry.
Okay.
Uh, we sh I think we should go.
I do love you, Walden.
You do? Of course I do.
That's why I called you from the plane, you ninny.
So you forgive me? Well, that depends.
Do I have to worry every time we have a fight that you're going to go out and pick up another woman? Not as long as I know that you love me.
Good answer.
Come here.
I love you, Lyndsey.
And I love you.
Oh, not in my mouth! Oh, God.
Oh, dear.
No, seriously, dude.
No lie.
All right, fine, you don't believe me? Here.
Yup.
Five times.
Best half hour of my life.