Two and a Half Men s10e06 Episode Script
Ferrets, Attack!
Previously on: Zoey, will you do me the honor of becoming Zoey Hyde Tottingham-Pierce-Schmidt? No, I'm sorry! I can't do it! I need an answer.
There's someone else.
Look, I'm just gonna be alone for a while.
And if the real thing comes along, I'll know it.
Excuse me.
Can I have your nuts? This girl's really interesting.
Actually, I think you know her.
Her name's Rose.
See ya! She's devious and deceptive! She's probably listening to us right now! Hey, Rose, how ya doing?! I told Alan that we met.
Boy, did you call that one.
Let me guess.
At some point did he say, "She's probably listening to us right now"? "Hey, Rose, how ya doing?!" He is very suspicious of you.
Are you suspicious of me? More curious than suspicious.
Good.
So, what do you say? Dinner? To dinner.
It'll be nice to go out with someone normal for a change.
Men.
Yay! Yay, indeed.
Ooh, we went a mile and a half.
What is that, a pedometer? Yes, I'm measuring our sex life, and as of today, we are in Laughlin, Nevada.
Well, I believe I did most of the driving.
Yes.
But when you got a flat, I stopped and pumped it up.
Call me crazy-- and the State of California did for a while-- but these last couple of weeks have been the best of my life.
They have been great.
With the last mile and a half being a particular high point.
That's because you finally stopped and asked for directions.
Okay, I better get going.
No, no.
Stay the night.
All my stuff is at my house, silly.
What stuff? I don't know.
My toothbrush.
You can use mine.
Ugh! After what we just did, you're really concerned with having my toothbrush in your mouth? I'm just saying, at some point I have to go home.
What if you never had to go home? Do you mean like you're gonna tie me up and keep me bound and gagged in the closet? Uh, no.
I was thinking more like you move in with me.
Hmm, that's a little odd.
I mean, come on.
You said so yourself, the last few weeks have been fantastic.
We get along great.
Why not? Why not? Because I don't want to be a flavorless cracker.
Sure.
What? Well, you know when you order a cheese plate and you get two different kinds of stinky cheese and then you eat that little, bland, unsalted cracker in between to cleanse your palate? Not really, but you explained it pretty well.
Well, I don't want to be the bland cracker.
I want to be the stinky cheese.
Okay, I think I understand.
You're concerned 'cause I just got out of a serious relationship, and you don't want to be the girl that gets me to the next one.
Exactly.
Well, trust me.
You are the stinkies.
So sweet.
I don't know, it's moving so quickly.
I mean, who could've seen this coming? Now, I know it's moving quick, but I'm the kind of person when I see something I want, I stop at nothing to get it.
Wow, I guess opposites really do attract.
Just promise me that you'll think about it.
And you'll think about tying me up in your closet? I will.
That seems fair.
You know, if we get started now, we can make it to Salt Lake City by daybreak.
Okay, but this time I'm driving.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men Ah.
Men.
Men.
I can't believe this.
After everything she's done.
I know.
How did someone like that worm their way back in here? Maybe she learned from the master.
I'm just worried she's gonna take advantage of Walden.
You do hear yourself when you talk, right? Yes, yes, I'm a mooch, but I'm not dangerous.
Some night I'm gonna get drunk and try that.
Here he comes.
Here he comes.
Morning.
Morning.
So, uh, how's everything going with my, my favorite couple? Walden and Rose.
Wose.
Ralden.
Look, Alan, I know you're suspicious of her, but she really makes me happy.
No, I-I totally get that, and, you know, I don't want to sound judgmental, but she scares the living crap out of me.
Well, you're gonna have to make peace with her 'cause not only do I like Rose, I asked her to move in with me.
What's so funny? If you don't know, it's too late.
Men.
Oh, that's my cell.
Could you grab it for me? It says "Do not answer.
" That's Zoey.
It reminds me to stay strong and not take her calls.
Hello.
Hey, Zoey.
What's going on? Uh, yeah, I could do that.
She wants to go for coffee.
Why? I don't know.
Ask her.
Hey, uh, just so I have a heads up, is this a sad coffee or a happy coffee? It's a happy coffee.
Great.
Can you bring me back a scone? Shut up.
Uh, yeah, great, I'll be there in 20.
Okay.
So what do you think's going on? I don't know.
Uh, she, she said she wants to talk in person.
Ooh, be careful-- in my experience, when an ex wants to talk in person, it's either to borrow money or tell you she gave you crabs.
And no one's ever asked me for money.
You share too much.
Besides, she said it was a happy coffee.
Ooh, ooh! Maybe she wants to have sex with the ex.
That's happened to me.
Be careful, that's how I got the crabs.
Well, I'm not going to sleep with her.
I'm with Rose now.
Right.
Oh, are you gonna tell Rose that you're meeting Zoey for coffee? Yes, I am not.
Good call.
Hey, how do I look? Like every screen saver in San Francisco.
Perfect.
Okay.
Hey, what does it say on your phone when I call? Uh, it says, "The old guy who lives downstairs.
" Perfect.
Men.
Here we go.
Happy coffee.
Thank you.
So, how have you been? Mmm, good.
You? Good.
Good.
Are we done lying? Mm-hmm.
Okay, so here it is.
Oh, God, this is very embarrassing.
Crabs? What? Nothing.
Go on.
So, when you asked me to marry you it scared me.
Why? I went down that road before, Walden.
I got lost.
Just wasn't ready to make that kind of commitment again.
Wait a second.
What about the other guy? Pe-ter.
I broke up with him.
So sorry.
Oops, apparently I'm not done lying.
You care to know why I broke up with Peter? Because he wasn't a very good pumpkin eater? No, I broke up with him because when I was with him, all I could think about was you.
Oh, this is a very happy coffee.
I'd like another chance, Walden.
My coffee is dancing.
So, do you want to try and make this work? I do.
But it's a little complicated.
Oh, God, you're seeing someone, aren't you? Well Is it serious? Nobody's brought their toothbrush over.
I'm sorry, I've put you in a very awkward position.
No, no, it's okay.
I just I need a little time to figure it out.
Of course you do.
I completely understand.
Take all the time you need.
You decided yet? I'm kidding.
Look, do what you need to do and let me know what happens, okay? Um Thanks for meeting me.
Yeah, I'm glad you called.
Oh, boy.
Crabs would've been simpler.
Men.
You're not gonna believe this.
Zoey realized she made a huge mistake, and she wants me back.
Is that crazy or what? No.
No? Follow me.
I want to show you something.
Rose? Oh, hi, sweetie.
I brought my toothbrush.
That's crazy.
Men.
Men.
So, you decided to move in.
Yep.
You make me so happy.
Now we never have to be apart.
Never? Never, ever.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and make sure the birds are settled.
Great.
Never, ever, ever.
Did she say birds? Well, I counted four, but one of them might be dinner for the ferrets.
Ferrets? I think they were ferrets.
Might've been weasels.
Either way, she recommended we all get rabies shots.
Oh, God, what have I done? You asked her to move in.
You invited the vampire into the house.
In my defense, the vampire was naked at the time.
So what are you going to do now? I don't know.
I guess I'll just man up and tell Rose I made a mistake.
Ooh, that's a bad idea.
Especially before you get the rabies shot.
You got a better one? Well, let's see, um, you could always tell her that your, your work is taking you to Europe or that you're dying or that you finally realized you're gay and you're sick of fighting the feelings you have for me.
I'm not gonna lie to her.
Would it be a lie? Men.
Look at us.
We're like Siamese twins except we don't have to share any organs, unless we want to.
Listen, I need to talk to you about something.
Sure.
Geez, this is tough.
Just say it.
I want us to be able to talk about anything.
Okay, here goes.
Um I'm in love with Alan.
What? I'm dying.
You're dying? For work.
In Europe.
Walden, what is going on? Okay, um My old girlfriend called, and she wants to try again.
How do you feel about that? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about it.
Are you still in love with her? Yes, I am.
I'm sorry, Rose.
No.
No, don't be sorry.
Walden, we've only known each other for a couple of weeks.
And as wonderful as it's been, if you feel that you'd be happier with Zoey, I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Thank you.
How did you know her name is Zoey? Zoey's a very popular name in England.
Wait, how did you know she's English? Because her name's Zoey, silly.
Good-bye, Walden.
Good-bye, Rose.
You know I want you to be happy, don't you? I do, and I want you to be happy, too.
Thank you.
Ferrets, attack! Men.
Hey, buddy, how're you doing? Great.
I got a promotion.
No kidding.
Yep.
I'm the dessert chef in the officer's mess.
Wow.
Yeah, I made this killer crème brûlée for the enlisted guys and word got out.
Jake, I am so proud of you.
Yeah, they gave me my own blow torch.
You know, to caramelize the sugar.
Check it out.
Uh-oh.
Not again.
Got to go, Dad.
Well, he's America's problem now.
Men.
Hi.
Hello? Sorry to bother you.
I'm a friend of Walden's.
Oh, really? Yes, and we need to talk.
About what? It's complicated.
Men.
I'll get it.
Zoey? Who the hell is What has happened to your face? I was attacked by ferrets.
Fine, don't tell me.
Who the hell is that crazy woman who just showed up at my house saying she's carrying your baby? Uh I have a guess.
Alan, please.
Do you know anything about this? All right, I'm just gonna level with you.
You moved on, so I was trying to do the same thing, but she's not pregnant.
Then, why in the world would she show up at my apartment claiming to be? Apparently she is crazy.
Told you.
Alan! Shut up! All right, look, as soon as you told me that you wanted to get back together, I told her she had to move out because I was in love with you.
And that's the truth.
I love you, Zoey.
Wait, she was living here? Did you hear the part where I said I love you? What happened to "no one's brought their toothbrush"? That Alan? You told me to shut up.
God.
Good-bye, Walden.
Zoey, wait, you're my stinky cheese! Great.
Aw, I'm sorry, buddy.
But look at the bright side I know, I still have you.
For ever and ever and ever.
Hey, why don't we go out? You know, maybe-maybe grab a bite? That might cheer you up.
I don't want to go out.
Come on, you have to eat.
You want me to pick something up for you? Fine.
Great, great, uh, oh, so listen, uh Here you go.
Thanks.
Oh, uh, would you mind if I take your car? Mine's Out of gas.
Sure.
Berta's right.
I am the master.
Oh, boy, a radio and brakes.
Oh, yeah.
I could get used to this.
Not the face! Men.
Not the face! Men.
I've made a decision.
What's that? I'm never going to care about another human being.
Ouch.
Except you.
That's better.
I can't believe I lost Zoey again.
I can't believe I lost the tip of my pinky to a ferret.
Boo-hoo.
I have half a nipple.
All right.
Good night, Alan.
Good night, Walden.
Good night, Rose.
Good night, Alan.
There's someone else.
Look, I'm just gonna be alone for a while.
And if the real thing comes along, I'll know it.
Excuse me.
Can I have your nuts? This girl's really interesting.
Actually, I think you know her.
Her name's Rose.
See ya! She's devious and deceptive! She's probably listening to us right now! Hey, Rose, how ya doing?! I told Alan that we met.
Boy, did you call that one.
Let me guess.
At some point did he say, "She's probably listening to us right now"? "Hey, Rose, how ya doing?!" He is very suspicious of you.
Are you suspicious of me? More curious than suspicious.
Good.
So, what do you say? Dinner? To dinner.
It'll be nice to go out with someone normal for a change.
Men.
Yay! Yay, indeed.
Ooh, we went a mile and a half.
What is that, a pedometer? Yes, I'm measuring our sex life, and as of today, we are in Laughlin, Nevada.
Well, I believe I did most of the driving.
Yes.
But when you got a flat, I stopped and pumped it up.
Call me crazy-- and the State of California did for a while-- but these last couple of weeks have been the best of my life.
They have been great.
With the last mile and a half being a particular high point.
That's because you finally stopped and asked for directions.
Okay, I better get going.
No, no.
Stay the night.
All my stuff is at my house, silly.
What stuff? I don't know.
My toothbrush.
You can use mine.
Ugh! After what we just did, you're really concerned with having my toothbrush in your mouth? I'm just saying, at some point I have to go home.
What if you never had to go home? Do you mean like you're gonna tie me up and keep me bound and gagged in the closet? Uh, no.
I was thinking more like you move in with me.
Hmm, that's a little odd.
I mean, come on.
You said so yourself, the last few weeks have been fantastic.
We get along great.
Why not? Why not? Because I don't want to be a flavorless cracker.
Sure.
What? Well, you know when you order a cheese plate and you get two different kinds of stinky cheese and then you eat that little, bland, unsalted cracker in between to cleanse your palate? Not really, but you explained it pretty well.
Well, I don't want to be the bland cracker.
I want to be the stinky cheese.
Okay, I think I understand.
You're concerned 'cause I just got out of a serious relationship, and you don't want to be the girl that gets me to the next one.
Exactly.
Well, trust me.
You are the stinkies.
So sweet.
I don't know, it's moving so quickly.
I mean, who could've seen this coming? Now, I know it's moving quick, but I'm the kind of person when I see something I want, I stop at nothing to get it.
Wow, I guess opposites really do attract.
Just promise me that you'll think about it.
And you'll think about tying me up in your closet? I will.
That seems fair.
You know, if we get started now, we can make it to Salt Lake City by daybreak.
Okay, but this time I'm driving.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men Ah.
Men.
Men.
I can't believe this.
After everything she's done.
I know.
How did someone like that worm their way back in here? Maybe she learned from the master.
I'm just worried she's gonna take advantage of Walden.
You do hear yourself when you talk, right? Yes, yes, I'm a mooch, but I'm not dangerous.
Some night I'm gonna get drunk and try that.
Here he comes.
Here he comes.
Morning.
Morning.
So, uh, how's everything going with my, my favorite couple? Walden and Rose.
Wose.
Ralden.
Look, Alan, I know you're suspicious of her, but she really makes me happy.
No, I-I totally get that, and, you know, I don't want to sound judgmental, but she scares the living crap out of me.
Well, you're gonna have to make peace with her 'cause not only do I like Rose, I asked her to move in with me.
What's so funny? If you don't know, it's too late.
Men.
Oh, that's my cell.
Could you grab it for me? It says "Do not answer.
" That's Zoey.
It reminds me to stay strong and not take her calls.
Hello.
Hey, Zoey.
What's going on? Uh, yeah, I could do that.
She wants to go for coffee.
Why? I don't know.
Ask her.
Hey, uh, just so I have a heads up, is this a sad coffee or a happy coffee? It's a happy coffee.
Great.
Can you bring me back a scone? Shut up.
Uh, yeah, great, I'll be there in 20.
Okay.
So what do you think's going on? I don't know.
Uh, she, she said she wants to talk in person.
Ooh, be careful-- in my experience, when an ex wants to talk in person, it's either to borrow money or tell you she gave you crabs.
And no one's ever asked me for money.
You share too much.
Besides, she said it was a happy coffee.
Ooh, ooh! Maybe she wants to have sex with the ex.
That's happened to me.
Be careful, that's how I got the crabs.
Well, I'm not going to sleep with her.
I'm with Rose now.
Right.
Oh, are you gonna tell Rose that you're meeting Zoey for coffee? Yes, I am not.
Good call.
Hey, how do I look? Like every screen saver in San Francisco.
Perfect.
Okay.
Hey, what does it say on your phone when I call? Uh, it says, "The old guy who lives downstairs.
" Perfect.
Men.
Here we go.
Happy coffee.
Thank you.
So, how have you been? Mmm, good.
You? Good.
Good.
Are we done lying? Mm-hmm.
Okay, so here it is.
Oh, God, this is very embarrassing.
Crabs? What? Nothing.
Go on.
So, when you asked me to marry you it scared me.
Why? I went down that road before, Walden.
I got lost.
Just wasn't ready to make that kind of commitment again.
Wait a second.
What about the other guy? Pe-ter.
I broke up with him.
So sorry.
Oops, apparently I'm not done lying.
You care to know why I broke up with Peter? Because he wasn't a very good pumpkin eater? No, I broke up with him because when I was with him, all I could think about was you.
Oh, this is a very happy coffee.
I'd like another chance, Walden.
My coffee is dancing.
So, do you want to try and make this work? I do.
But it's a little complicated.
Oh, God, you're seeing someone, aren't you? Well Is it serious? Nobody's brought their toothbrush over.
I'm sorry, I've put you in a very awkward position.
No, no, it's okay.
I just I need a little time to figure it out.
Of course you do.
I completely understand.
Take all the time you need.
You decided yet? I'm kidding.
Look, do what you need to do and let me know what happens, okay? Um Thanks for meeting me.
Yeah, I'm glad you called.
Oh, boy.
Crabs would've been simpler.
Men.
You're not gonna believe this.
Zoey realized she made a huge mistake, and she wants me back.
Is that crazy or what? No.
No? Follow me.
I want to show you something.
Rose? Oh, hi, sweetie.
I brought my toothbrush.
That's crazy.
Men.
Men.
So, you decided to move in.
Yep.
You make me so happy.
Now we never have to be apart.
Never? Never, ever.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go upstairs and make sure the birds are settled.
Great.
Never, ever, ever.
Did she say birds? Well, I counted four, but one of them might be dinner for the ferrets.
Ferrets? I think they were ferrets.
Might've been weasels.
Either way, she recommended we all get rabies shots.
Oh, God, what have I done? You asked her to move in.
You invited the vampire into the house.
In my defense, the vampire was naked at the time.
So what are you going to do now? I don't know.
I guess I'll just man up and tell Rose I made a mistake.
Ooh, that's a bad idea.
Especially before you get the rabies shot.
You got a better one? Well, let's see, um, you could always tell her that your, your work is taking you to Europe or that you're dying or that you finally realized you're gay and you're sick of fighting the feelings you have for me.
I'm not gonna lie to her.
Would it be a lie? Men.
Look at us.
We're like Siamese twins except we don't have to share any organs, unless we want to.
Listen, I need to talk to you about something.
Sure.
Geez, this is tough.
Just say it.
I want us to be able to talk about anything.
Okay, here goes.
Um I'm in love with Alan.
What? I'm dying.
You're dying? For work.
In Europe.
Walden, what is going on? Okay, um My old girlfriend called, and she wants to try again.
How do you feel about that? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about it.
Are you still in love with her? Yes, I am.
I'm sorry, Rose.
No.
No, don't be sorry.
Walden, we've only known each other for a couple of weeks.
And as wonderful as it's been, if you feel that you'd be happier with Zoey, I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Thank you.
How did you know her name is Zoey? Zoey's a very popular name in England.
Wait, how did you know she's English? Because her name's Zoey, silly.
Good-bye, Walden.
Good-bye, Rose.
You know I want you to be happy, don't you? I do, and I want you to be happy, too.
Thank you.
Ferrets, attack! Men.
Hey, buddy, how're you doing? Great.
I got a promotion.
No kidding.
Yep.
I'm the dessert chef in the officer's mess.
Wow.
Yeah, I made this killer crème brûlée for the enlisted guys and word got out.
Jake, I am so proud of you.
Yeah, they gave me my own blow torch.
You know, to caramelize the sugar.
Check it out.
Uh-oh.
Not again.
Got to go, Dad.
Well, he's America's problem now.
Men.
Hi.
Hello? Sorry to bother you.
I'm a friend of Walden's.
Oh, really? Yes, and we need to talk.
About what? It's complicated.
Men.
I'll get it.
Zoey? Who the hell is What has happened to your face? I was attacked by ferrets.
Fine, don't tell me.
Who the hell is that crazy woman who just showed up at my house saying she's carrying your baby? Uh I have a guess.
Alan, please.
Do you know anything about this? All right, I'm just gonna level with you.
You moved on, so I was trying to do the same thing, but she's not pregnant.
Then, why in the world would she show up at my apartment claiming to be? Apparently she is crazy.
Told you.
Alan! Shut up! All right, look, as soon as you told me that you wanted to get back together, I told her she had to move out because I was in love with you.
And that's the truth.
I love you, Zoey.
Wait, she was living here? Did you hear the part where I said I love you? What happened to "no one's brought their toothbrush"? That Alan? You told me to shut up.
God.
Good-bye, Walden.
Zoey, wait, you're my stinky cheese! Great.
Aw, I'm sorry, buddy.
But look at the bright side I know, I still have you.
For ever and ever and ever.
Hey, why don't we go out? You know, maybe-maybe grab a bite? That might cheer you up.
I don't want to go out.
Come on, you have to eat.
You want me to pick something up for you? Fine.
Great, great, uh, oh, so listen, uh Here you go.
Thanks.
Oh, uh, would you mind if I take your car? Mine's Out of gas.
Sure.
Berta's right.
I am the master.
Oh, boy, a radio and brakes.
Oh, yeah.
I could get used to this.
Not the face! Men.
Not the face! Men.
I've made a decision.
What's that? I'm never going to care about another human being.
Ouch.
Except you.
That's better.
I can't believe I lost Zoey again.
I can't believe I lost the tip of my pinky to a ferret.
Boo-hoo.
I have half a nipple.
All right.
Good night, Alan.
Good night, Walden.
Good night, Rose.
Good night, Alan.