Two and a Half Men s12e04 Episode Script
Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
Men.
Hey! Oh, hey, morning, Berta.
Little warning, man at work.
Doing a little banging and screwing.
Little warning for you.
Woman at bar until 2:00 a.
m.
doing the same thing.
What are you doing? I am baby-proofing the house.
It's a requirement of the adoption agency, and it's a good thing, too.
This here kitchen is a death trap.
Whole mess of things up in here that can kill someone.
We got knives, we got fire, poison, scalding hot water, Alan's leftover fish tacos.
You worry too much.
Jake ate a steady diet of floor wax and detergent, and he turned out Yeah, maybe it's not a bad idea.
I locked all the cabinets and the drawers, put these safety knobs on the stove, and if you want to access any chemicals, you will need a special magnetic key.
Oh, by the way, when you're doing the laundry, keep your eye out for a special magnetic key.
Why would you need to lock the towel drawer? You hide your pot in the medicine cabinet.
I'm guessing.
That is no ordinary towel drawer.
That's the first step on the stairway to disaster.
Oh, I'm too hungover for this crap.
Okay, okay.
All right, imagine, if you will, child pulls out the drawer, climbs up onto the counter and toddles over to the window that has been left open because Alan finds the smell of steaming broccoli to be "gaggy.
" Whereupon, the child spots a beautiful kite, most likely in the shape of a butterfly or a Pikachu.
The child reaches for the kite, tumbles out the window, bounces off the awning, flying through the air, heading toward certain death, when, miraculously, it is caught by a shirtless Matthew McConaughey.
"Don't worry, your baby's gonna be all right, all right, all right.
" Yeah, sure.
You know what, we got lucky this time, but we can't depend on McConaughey every time.
Okay, I'm gonna have to start hiding the pot from you.
Better safe than sorry.
Every stairway, every toilet, every sharp corner has been locked, latched or padded.
No one is getting hurt in this house.
Hot! Hot! Hot! All right, all right, all right.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
Original Ai Men.
So, as you can see, I installed a gate at the top of the stairs, at the bottom of the stairs, and as an extra precaution, I put one in the middle of the stairs.
Overachiever.
I think he's just trying to keep me from getting away.
Well, you did a great job baby-proofing.
I can't imagine anyone getting hurt in this house.
Really? Try telling me I look fat in these jeans.
Okay, flame off, Human Torch.
So, uh, so, what do we do next? Oh, well, it's pretty simple.
I walk out onto the deck, you put a pile of hundreds on the table, I come back, slip them into my purse, and you get a kid.
I have $5,000 in the bottom of a toolbox in the garage.
I was joking.
As was I.
Anyway, uh, I wasn't gonna say anything until you guys passed the inspection, but it looks like we may have found a potential match for the two of you.
We're We're getting a baby.
Are you serious? This is unbelievable.
Well, slow down; all that's happened so far is a pregnant mother has seen your profile and wants to meet you.
Somebody saw my profile and wants to meet me? That's so different than the dating sites.
I can't believe this.
Who is she? Where is she from? How old is she? Is she having a boy or a girl? Wait, no, la-la-la-la-la! I don't want to know.
I want to be surprised.
Walden, you're getting ahead of yourself.
Did you say girl? I thought I heard you say girl.
Wait, no, you know what? Doesn't matter.
Ten fingers and ten toes-- that's all that matters.
Are you not saying anything 'cause it's a boy? Oh, my God, we're having a boy! Okay, Walden, when you meet the mother, you want to come off as a calm, stable father.
Not like a 14-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert.
Sorry, we're just really excited.
No, I get it.
I'm excited for you.
I'll call you when the meeting is set up.
Oh, and by the way, I think you look fantastic in those jeans.
Girl, we are gonna be BFFs.
We're gonna have a baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
We're gonna have a baby! We're gonna have a baby! Oh, we have to celebrate.
Uh, I'll go to the garage and get some champagne.
Great! We're gonna have a baby! We're gonna have a Wait, we don't have champagne in the garage.
My toolbox! Alan! Men.
Here.
I got this for you.
Why? I think it would be nice if we wore matching sweaters to meet the birth mom.
Twinsies.
We're supposed to be a married couple, not half of a barbershop quartet.
Can't we be both? Miss McMartin, bring me a kid Bom-bom-bom-bom Marrying you was a dumb thing I did Bom-bom-bom-bom.
You were flat.
So, the mom-- you think she's hot? She's nine months pregnant! I know.
Love me some preggos.
Baby got back and front.
Okay, listen.
If we want this girl to give us her baby, she has to think that we're a well-adjusted couple.
If she gets a creepy vibe off of you, she's gonna turn and run the other way.
And I'm only saying this 'cause I'm getting a creepy vibe off of you.
Says the guy who Googled "Helen Mirren nip slip.
" Helen is timeless.
Now, listen.
If you mess this up for me, I will make your life a living hell.
Now, remember, we love each other.
Hello, Mama.
Hi.
Hi, you must be Kathy.
Yes, uh, welcome to our Malibu dream house.
He's Ken.
Oh, I guess that makes me Barbie.
I'm Walden.
This is Alan.
Come in.
Here, c-can I take your coat? Oh, thank you.
Wow! Look at you! So very pregnant.
Coat.
I know.
I haven't seen my feet since July.
Am I wearing matching shoes? Um actually, no.
Uh, but you know what, it works.
It's cute.
Um, please sit.
Yeah, please.
How you feeling? My ankles are swollen, my back hurts, and forget about my breasts.
I haven't even noticed, you know, 'cause I'm gay.
That's That's my rainbow warrior.
Always waving his flag.
Even when it relates to nothing.
Um, so, uh, tell us about Kathy.
I think the first thing you should know about me is this is not representative of who I am.
See, I just graduated from UCLA.
The baby is a result of a spring break trip to Vegas.
Ah.
I guess what happens in Vegas stays in Kathy.
Yep, took me about six weeks to figure out that my morning sickness wasn't just a really bad hangover.
Well, we all make mistakes.
One morning, I woke up married to this one.
See, bottom line, this wasn't part of my five-year plan.
You know, law school, clerk for a judge, start my own practice.
Wow, that's-that's impressive.
Uh, Alan's son, Jake, had a five-year plan for the tenth grade.
See, that's why I liked your profile.
You have parenting experience.
Your sense of humor came through.
And I kind of love that you're gay.
Not as much as we do.
Right, Wally Bear? That's right, Alley Cat.
Even though I'm not gonna be part of the baby's life, I like the idea of being the only mom.
I can totally understand that.
Probably because my mom was an ice-cold, sharp-tongue alcoholic who preferred shopping and spas over spending time with me.
And I can totally understand that.
So, tell me about you.
What made you guys decide to start a family? Uh, well, raising my son was one of the greatest experiences of my life, and I just wanted Walden to feel that same joy.
Yeah, I mean, for me it's a couple reasons.
I-I felt like something was missing in my life, and I wanted to give back, and having a kid will allow me to drive in the carpool lane.
and having a kid will allow me It's nice to laugh again.
Except I just peed a little on your sofa.
I'll get you something.
Oh, uh, actually, I got something right here.
Men.
The baby just kicked.
I felt it.
Oh, looks like someone's got a little soccer star in there.
God, you smell good.
Alan, you want to come up for some air? Oh, sorry.
Just got excited.
About the baby.
Sure.
So, uh, Kathy, uh, do you know if it's a boy or a girl? I don't, but your profile said you didn't have a gender preference, right? Oh, that's right.
Just like me in my 20s.
You guys crack me up.
You're gonna make great dads.
Oh, world's greatest, according the coffee mugs I bought.
Well, that's good, because I made up my mind.
I want you to have my baby.
No! Yes.
Oh, my God! You did not just say that! You bitch! Thank you, Kathy.
Thank you, Vegas.
Thank you, broken condom.
Well, you can thank two-for-one tequila shots at the Tropicana.
Let's not forget this little guy.
Do you feel it moving? I can feel it growing.
Men.
Men.
Okay, best shower gift: Barry.
Baby's first bong.
Yep.
And just like the kid's diaper, it's full of stinky green stuff.
The pizza's on its way.
In the meantime, uh, who wants a beer? Oh, wow.
Yeah.
There we go.
Walden, you are gonna make a great dad.
Hey.
And, Alan, you've already raised Jake, so I guess just do the opposite.
I still can't believe it's even possible for two men to have a baby.
What an age we live in.
Science, right? Larry, we're-we're not actually having a baby.
We're adopting.
Ah, shooting blanks, huh? Well, I guess if Alan gets pregnant, you'll know he's been cheating on you.
So you two are really married, huh? Yep.
Yeah, crazy, isn't it? No, I'll tell you what's crazy.
You have never hit on me once, Walden.
I mean, we worked together every day, side by side, and not so much as a lingering glance or a "Gee, you look nice today, Barry.
"You lost a little weight, Barry? Those cargo shorts really flatter your calves, Barry.
" No, man.
We got married so I could adopt a baby.
That we're a pretend couple.
It's kind of like your "girlfriend in Canada.
" Okay, Olivia is real.
I mean, just Okay, look at these nude photos she sent me.
That's Jennifer Lawrence.
She gets that all the time.
In a couple days, I'm gonna be a dad.
I'm gonna be completely responsible for the emotional and financial well-being of someone who is completely incapable of taking care of themselves.
Thank you for being my test baby.
I'd keep my fingers crossed for a boy.
Why? Well, basic math.
If you have a boy, you only have to worry about one penis.
You have a girl, you have to worry about them all.
Either way, you're gonna love it.
Being a father is the best thing in the world.
How old are your kids? Well, my son is 15 and my secret daughter is going to be 11 this year.
Your your secret daughter? Yeah, she looks a lot like my secret wife.
You know, kids are amazing.
You know? You get to pass all this knowledge down to this little person and-and shape their mind.
Like, you know, how to talk to girls and how to be there for your friends when they need you.
Oh, you can teach them your ability to always be in the bathroom whenever the dinner check comes.
That's pure instinct.
Can't be taught.
You know, all my memories revolve around my dad.
The time he threw my Tamagotchi down the garbage disposal.
Time he made a pass at my prom date.
Time he divorced my mom and married my prom date.
Guys.
Guys, it's the hospital.
Oh, if it's one of my patients, I'm not here.
Oh, don't worry.
If I'm your kid's doctor, I won't do that.
It's what you say.
Kathy's in labor! We got to go! I'll get an Uber.
I'll go grab the car seat.
I'll get the diaper bag.
Oh, God, that's the pizza guy.
Um hey, Alan, could you pay the pizza guy? I'm in the bathroom! How does he do it? Men.
Hey, you know, I-I appreciate you guys coming, but you really don't have to stay.
Are you kidding? We want to be here.
You know what they say.
"To raise a child, it takes the Village People.
" Hey, guys? I think I may have gotten way too high.
Can somebody take me to the hospital? You're in a hospital.
Whoa.
How'd you do that? I wonder why we haven't heard anything.
They took Kathy to the delivery room, like, an hour ago.
Sometimes the baby just doesn't want to come out.
I mean, put yourself in its position.
For nine months, you've been floating in the world's nicest waterbed.
Then somebody opens a trap door, all the water flows out, a set of salad tongs grabs you by the head and yanks you out, and then some guy you never seen before starts slapping you on the ass.
Reminds me of a trip I took to Tijuana once.
Aw, look at how cute that one is.
Yeah, she's got a nice rack, too.
What are you looking at? The hot nurse.
What are you looking at? That baby.
Ugh! You guys are sick.
So have you guys decided on a name for the baby yet? Oh, no, not yet.
No.
It's such a big responsibility.
I don't want to give him a name that other kids can make fun of.
Well, bad news.
Every name can be made fun of.
That's not true.
Really? How's your pond, Walden? It's an intellectual insult, but it still stings.
I was "Larry the fairy" all through high school.
Oh, no way! I was "Barry the fairy.
" Somebody noticed that you could rearrange the letters of "Alan," and I became "Little Anal Harper.
" My name's "Herb.
" Kids skipped the clever puns and just shoved my head down a toilet.
Well, I'm sure there are plenty of names that kids can't make jokes about.
Mr.
and Mr.
Harper-Schmidt? Yeah, nothing to worry about there.
Just the hyphenated last name of the two gay dads.
So how's Kathy? She's doing fine.
So is your brand-new baby boy.
Oh, my God, we got a boy! I get a do-over for Jake! I only have to worry about one penis! I like to wear women's underwear! What? I thought we were confessing things.
There he is.
Aw He's got your nose and Alan's eyes.
Larry, I told you before that Thank you, Larry.
Look at him.
He's so amazing.
I can't think of anything more beautiful than what I'm looking at right now.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
It's true, that's the truth.
But how much more beautiful would it be if those two nurses just started making out right now? Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
Men.
Hey.
How you doing? I'm good.
Tired.
Sore.
Look at this little guy.
Can I hold him? Uh, sure.
Oh, he is the cutest thing ever.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey high-five.
You can owe me.
Welcome to the world, little buddy.
We're gonna have so much fun.
We're gonna go to ball games together and go swimming together and pick up chick ens together.
Smile.
Come on.
Okay, uh Oh, oh, oh.
Look at that picture.
The two most handsome men in the world.
And they're both mine.
Oh, oh Oh, what's the matter? Uh, maybe he wants his mommy.
Oh, all right, come here, little buddy.
Uh, I think he might be hungry.
Oh, of course.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Okay, here.
There.
I miss him already.
Yeah, it's hard to let him go.
Actually, it's impossible.
Oh.
I am so sorry.
Wait.
What, uh what just happened? Did I did I miss something? She's keeping the baby.
Uh But what-what about law school? The-the five-year plan? After I saw this little guy the plan changed.
I mean, before, I couldn't imagine my life with him.
Now I can't imagine it without him.
But but he's gonna be a great dad.
Alan No, no.
H-He loves him.
Alan, it's Okay, let's-let's just approach this practically.
Um how much for the kid? Uh, I have, uh, I have $32 on me.
I'm gonna need three dollars for dinner at ampm, but the rest is yours.
Believe me, I feel terrible.
You feel terrible? We're-we're gonna be driving home with an empty car seat.
And you know what's waiting for us when we get there? An empty nursery.
An empty crib.
An empty uh, uh.
What's that Swedish thing that, uh, that you wear like a pouch, to carry your baby around like a kangaroo? Bjorn.
An empty Bjorn! An empty blue baby Bjorn! Hard to say, but even harder to face.
Alan, just stop.
It's okay.
I wouldn't be able to give him up either, so I don't blame you.
Really? I get it.
You're his mom.
I'm so sorry to put you through all this.
Don't be sorry.
He's lucky.
You're both very lucky.
This man is a saint.
A damn saint.
Let's go.
Say good-bye, Elliot.
More like "Smelliot.
" Alan.
Men.
Men.
You doing okay? Yeah.
Can you show me the picture of him? Oh, please, don't put yourself through this.
Come on, just one more time.
Okay.
Here.
Look at him.
He's perfect.
I'm sorry this didn't work out as planned.
He still owes me a high-five.
Don't worry.
We'll find our kid.
I know.
In the meantime, you're still married to me.
Yes, I am.
Why couldn't Kathy take you and give me the baby?!
Hey! Oh, hey, morning, Berta.
Little warning, man at work.
Doing a little banging and screwing.
Little warning for you.
Woman at bar until 2:00 a.
m.
doing the same thing.
What are you doing? I am baby-proofing the house.
It's a requirement of the adoption agency, and it's a good thing, too.
This here kitchen is a death trap.
Whole mess of things up in here that can kill someone.
We got knives, we got fire, poison, scalding hot water, Alan's leftover fish tacos.
You worry too much.
Jake ate a steady diet of floor wax and detergent, and he turned out Yeah, maybe it's not a bad idea.
I locked all the cabinets and the drawers, put these safety knobs on the stove, and if you want to access any chemicals, you will need a special magnetic key.
Oh, by the way, when you're doing the laundry, keep your eye out for a special magnetic key.
Why would you need to lock the towel drawer? You hide your pot in the medicine cabinet.
I'm guessing.
That is no ordinary towel drawer.
That's the first step on the stairway to disaster.
Oh, I'm too hungover for this crap.
Okay, okay.
All right, imagine, if you will, child pulls out the drawer, climbs up onto the counter and toddles over to the window that has been left open because Alan finds the smell of steaming broccoli to be "gaggy.
" Whereupon, the child spots a beautiful kite, most likely in the shape of a butterfly or a Pikachu.
The child reaches for the kite, tumbles out the window, bounces off the awning, flying through the air, heading toward certain death, when, miraculously, it is caught by a shirtless Matthew McConaughey.
"Don't worry, your baby's gonna be all right, all right, all right.
" Yeah, sure.
You know what, we got lucky this time, but we can't depend on McConaughey every time.
Okay, I'm gonna have to start hiding the pot from you.
Better safe than sorry.
Every stairway, every toilet, every sharp corner has been locked, latched or padded.
No one is getting hurt in this house.
Hot! Hot! Hot! All right, all right, all right.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ah.
Men.
Original Ai Men.
So, as you can see, I installed a gate at the top of the stairs, at the bottom of the stairs, and as an extra precaution, I put one in the middle of the stairs.
Overachiever.
I think he's just trying to keep me from getting away.
Well, you did a great job baby-proofing.
I can't imagine anyone getting hurt in this house.
Really? Try telling me I look fat in these jeans.
Okay, flame off, Human Torch.
So, uh, so, what do we do next? Oh, well, it's pretty simple.
I walk out onto the deck, you put a pile of hundreds on the table, I come back, slip them into my purse, and you get a kid.
I have $5,000 in the bottom of a toolbox in the garage.
I was joking.
As was I.
Anyway, uh, I wasn't gonna say anything until you guys passed the inspection, but it looks like we may have found a potential match for the two of you.
We're We're getting a baby.
Are you serious? This is unbelievable.
Well, slow down; all that's happened so far is a pregnant mother has seen your profile and wants to meet you.
Somebody saw my profile and wants to meet me? That's so different than the dating sites.
I can't believe this.
Who is she? Where is she from? How old is she? Is she having a boy or a girl? Wait, no, la-la-la-la-la! I don't want to know.
I want to be surprised.
Walden, you're getting ahead of yourself.
Did you say girl? I thought I heard you say girl.
Wait, no, you know what? Doesn't matter.
Ten fingers and ten toes-- that's all that matters.
Are you not saying anything 'cause it's a boy? Oh, my God, we're having a boy! Okay, Walden, when you meet the mother, you want to come off as a calm, stable father.
Not like a 14-year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert.
Sorry, we're just really excited.
No, I get it.
I'm excited for you.
I'll call you when the meeting is set up.
Oh, and by the way, I think you look fantastic in those jeans.
Girl, we are gonna be BFFs.
We're gonna have a baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
We're gonna have a baby.
We're gonna have a baby! We're gonna have a baby! Oh, we have to celebrate.
Uh, I'll go to the garage and get some champagne.
Great! We're gonna have a baby! We're gonna have a Wait, we don't have champagne in the garage.
My toolbox! Alan! Men.
Here.
I got this for you.
Why? I think it would be nice if we wore matching sweaters to meet the birth mom.
Twinsies.
We're supposed to be a married couple, not half of a barbershop quartet.
Can't we be both? Miss McMartin, bring me a kid Bom-bom-bom-bom Marrying you was a dumb thing I did Bom-bom-bom-bom.
You were flat.
So, the mom-- you think she's hot? She's nine months pregnant! I know.
Love me some preggos.
Baby got back and front.
Okay, listen.
If we want this girl to give us her baby, she has to think that we're a well-adjusted couple.
If she gets a creepy vibe off of you, she's gonna turn and run the other way.
And I'm only saying this 'cause I'm getting a creepy vibe off of you.
Says the guy who Googled "Helen Mirren nip slip.
" Helen is timeless.
Now, listen.
If you mess this up for me, I will make your life a living hell.
Now, remember, we love each other.
Hello, Mama.
Hi.
Hi, you must be Kathy.
Yes, uh, welcome to our Malibu dream house.
He's Ken.
Oh, I guess that makes me Barbie.
I'm Walden.
This is Alan.
Come in.
Here, c-can I take your coat? Oh, thank you.
Wow! Look at you! So very pregnant.
Coat.
I know.
I haven't seen my feet since July.
Am I wearing matching shoes? Um actually, no.
Uh, but you know what, it works.
It's cute.
Um, please sit.
Yeah, please.
How you feeling? My ankles are swollen, my back hurts, and forget about my breasts.
I haven't even noticed, you know, 'cause I'm gay.
That's That's my rainbow warrior.
Always waving his flag.
Even when it relates to nothing.
Um, so, uh, tell us about Kathy.
I think the first thing you should know about me is this is not representative of who I am.
See, I just graduated from UCLA.
The baby is a result of a spring break trip to Vegas.
Ah.
I guess what happens in Vegas stays in Kathy.
Yep, took me about six weeks to figure out that my morning sickness wasn't just a really bad hangover.
Well, we all make mistakes.
One morning, I woke up married to this one.
See, bottom line, this wasn't part of my five-year plan.
You know, law school, clerk for a judge, start my own practice.
Wow, that's-that's impressive.
Uh, Alan's son, Jake, had a five-year plan for the tenth grade.
See, that's why I liked your profile.
You have parenting experience.
Your sense of humor came through.
And I kind of love that you're gay.
Not as much as we do.
Right, Wally Bear? That's right, Alley Cat.
Even though I'm not gonna be part of the baby's life, I like the idea of being the only mom.
I can totally understand that.
Probably because my mom was an ice-cold, sharp-tongue alcoholic who preferred shopping and spas over spending time with me.
And I can totally understand that.
So, tell me about you.
What made you guys decide to start a family? Uh, well, raising my son was one of the greatest experiences of my life, and I just wanted Walden to feel that same joy.
Yeah, I mean, for me it's a couple reasons.
I-I felt like something was missing in my life, and I wanted to give back, and having a kid will allow me to drive in the carpool lane.
and having a kid will allow me It's nice to laugh again.
Except I just peed a little on your sofa.
I'll get you something.
Oh, uh, actually, I got something right here.
Men.
The baby just kicked.
I felt it.
Oh, looks like someone's got a little soccer star in there.
God, you smell good.
Alan, you want to come up for some air? Oh, sorry.
Just got excited.
About the baby.
Sure.
So, uh, Kathy, uh, do you know if it's a boy or a girl? I don't, but your profile said you didn't have a gender preference, right? Oh, that's right.
Just like me in my 20s.
You guys crack me up.
You're gonna make great dads.
Oh, world's greatest, according the coffee mugs I bought.
Well, that's good, because I made up my mind.
I want you to have my baby.
No! Yes.
Oh, my God! You did not just say that! You bitch! Thank you, Kathy.
Thank you, Vegas.
Thank you, broken condom.
Well, you can thank two-for-one tequila shots at the Tropicana.
Let's not forget this little guy.
Do you feel it moving? I can feel it growing.
Men.
Men.
Okay, best shower gift: Barry.
Baby's first bong.
Yep.
And just like the kid's diaper, it's full of stinky green stuff.
The pizza's on its way.
In the meantime, uh, who wants a beer? Oh, wow.
Yeah.
There we go.
Walden, you are gonna make a great dad.
Hey.
And, Alan, you've already raised Jake, so I guess just do the opposite.
I still can't believe it's even possible for two men to have a baby.
What an age we live in.
Science, right? Larry, we're-we're not actually having a baby.
We're adopting.
Ah, shooting blanks, huh? Well, I guess if Alan gets pregnant, you'll know he's been cheating on you.
So you two are really married, huh? Yep.
Yeah, crazy, isn't it? No, I'll tell you what's crazy.
You have never hit on me once, Walden.
I mean, we worked together every day, side by side, and not so much as a lingering glance or a "Gee, you look nice today, Barry.
"You lost a little weight, Barry? Those cargo shorts really flatter your calves, Barry.
" No, man.
We got married so I could adopt a baby.
That we're a pretend couple.
It's kind of like your "girlfriend in Canada.
" Okay, Olivia is real.
I mean, just Okay, look at these nude photos she sent me.
That's Jennifer Lawrence.
She gets that all the time.
In a couple days, I'm gonna be a dad.
I'm gonna be completely responsible for the emotional and financial well-being of someone who is completely incapable of taking care of themselves.
Thank you for being my test baby.
I'd keep my fingers crossed for a boy.
Why? Well, basic math.
If you have a boy, you only have to worry about one penis.
You have a girl, you have to worry about them all.
Either way, you're gonna love it.
Being a father is the best thing in the world.
How old are your kids? Well, my son is 15 and my secret daughter is going to be 11 this year.
Your your secret daughter? Yeah, she looks a lot like my secret wife.
You know, kids are amazing.
You know? You get to pass all this knowledge down to this little person and-and shape their mind.
Like, you know, how to talk to girls and how to be there for your friends when they need you.
Oh, you can teach them your ability to always be in the bathroom whenever the dinner check comes.
That's pure instinct.
Can't be taught.
You know, all my memories revolve around my dad.
The time he threw my Tamagotchi down the garbage disposal.
Time he made a pass at my prom date.
Time he divorced my mom and married my prom date.
Guys.
Guys, it's the hospital.
Oh, if it's one of my patients, I'm not here.
Oh, don't worry.
If I'm your kid's doctor, I won't do that.
It's what you say.
Kathy's in labor! We got to go! I'll get an Uber.
I'll go grab the car seat.
I'll get the diaper bag.
Oh, God, that's the pizza guy.
Um hey, Alan, could you pay the pizza guy? I'm in the bathroom! How does he do it? Men.
Hey, you know, I-I appreciate you guys coming, but you really don't have to stay.
Are you kidding? We want to be here.
You know what they say.
"To raise a child, it takes the Village People.
" Hey, guys? I think I may have gotten way too high.
Can somebody take me to the hospital? You're in a hospital.
Whoa.
How'd you do that? I wonder why we haven't heard anything.
They took Kathy to the delivery room, like, an hour ago.
Sometimes the baby just doesn't want to come out.
I mean, put yourself in its position.
For nine months, you've been floating in the world's nicest waterbed.
Then somebody opens a trap door, all the water flows out, a set of salad tongs grabs you by the head and yanks you out, and then some guy you never seen before starts slapping you on the ass.
Reminds me of a trip I took to Tijuana once.
Aw, look at how cute that one is.
Yeah, she's got a nice rack, too.
What are you looking at? The hot nurse.
What are you looking at? That baby.
Ugh! You guys are sick.
So have you guys decided on a name for the baby yet? Oh, no, not yet.
No.
It's such a big responsibility.
I don't want to give him a name that other kids can make fun of.
Well, bad news.
Every name can be made fun of.
That's not true.
Really? How's your pond, Walden? It's an intellectual insult, but it still stings.
I was "Larry the fairy" all through high school.
Oh, no way! I was "Barry the fairy.
" Somebody noticed that you could rearrange the letters of "Alan," and I became "Little Anal Harper.
" My name's "Herb.
" Kids skipped the clever puns and just shoved my head down a toilet.
Well, I'm sure there are plenty of names that kids can't make jokes about.
Mr.
and Mr.
Harper-Schmidt? Yeah, nothing to worry about there.
Just the hyphenated last name of the two gay dads.
So how's Kathy? She's doing fine.
So is your brand-new baby boy.
Oh, my God, we got a boy! I get a do-over for Jake! I only have to worry about one penis! I like to wear women's underwear! What? I thought we were confessing things.
There he is.
Aw He's got your nose and Alan's eyes.
Larry, I told you before that Thank you, Larry.
Look at him.
He's so amazing.
I can't think of anything more beautiful than what I'm looking at right now.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
It's true, that's the truth.
But how much more beautiful would it be if those two nurses just started making out right now? Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
Men.
Hey.
How you doing? I'm good.
Tired.
Sore.
Look at this little guy.
Can I hold him? Uh, sure.
Oh, he is the cutest thing ever.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey high-five.
You can owe me.
Welcome to the world, little buddy.
We're gonna have so much fun.
We're gonna go to ball games together and go swimming together and pick up chick ens together.
Smile.
Come on.
Okay, uh Oh, oh, oh.
Look at that picture.
The two most handsome men in the world.
And they're both mine.
Oh, oh Oh, what's the matter? Uh, maybe he wants his mommy.
Oh, all right, come here, little buddy.
Uh, I think he might be hungry.
Oh, of course.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Okay, here.
There.
I miss him already.
Yeah, it's hard to let him go.
Actually, it's impossible.
Oh.
I am so sorry.
Wait.
What, uh what just happened? Did I did I miss something? She's keeping the baby.
Uh But what-what about law school? The-the five-year plan? After I saw this little guy the plan changed.
I mean, before, I couldn't imagine my life with him.
Now I can't imagine it without him.
But but he's gonna be a great dad.
Alan No, no.
H-He loves him.
Alan, it's Okay, let's-let's just approach this practically.
Um how much for the kid? Uh, I have, uh, I have $32 on me.
I'm gonna need three dollars for dinner at ampm, but the rest is yours.
Believe me, I feel terrible.
You feel terrible? We're-we're gonna be driving home with an empty car seat.
And you know what's waiting for us when we get there? An empty nursery.
An empty crib.
An empty uh, uh.
What's that Swedish thing that, uh, that you wear like a pouch, to carry your baby around like a kangaroo? Bjorn.
An empty Bjorn! An empty blue baby Bjorn! Hard to say, but even harder to face.
Alan, just stop.
It's okay.
I wouldn't be able to give him up either, so I don't blame you.
Really? I get it.
You're his mom.
I'm so sorry to put you through all this.
Don't be sorry.
He's lucky.
You're both very lucky.
This man is a saint.
A damn saint.
Let's go.
Say good-bye, Elliot.
More like "Smelliot.
" Alan.
Men.
Men.
You doing okay? Yeah.
Can you show me the picture of him? Oh, please, don't put yourself through this.
Come on, just one more time.
Okay.
Here.
Look at him.
He's perfect.
I'm sorry this didn't work out as planned.
He still owes me a high-five.
Don't worry.
We'll find our kid.
I know.
In the meantime, you're still married to me.
Yes, I am.
Why couldn't Kathy take you and give me the baby?!