Two Doors Down (2016) s02e03 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 3
1 (POP MUSIC ON RADIO) Do you think that's enough potatoes? Let's see.
Jaz isn't a big eater, Ian, he'll take three.
There's Colin.
Cathy won't take that much.
I'll take a couple of roast and you? Yeah, I'd better do more.
(THEME SONG PLAYING) Cathy! This wine isn't that cold, Cath.
Oh, Eric's had his strimmer out.
The garden's looking very nice.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Cathy, look.
Don't even speak to me, you little Cock! Oh, hi, Eric.
Hi, Eric.
Bottle of wine, for a lovely host.
Oh.
Very kind of ya.
What've we got here? - Spanish - Screw-top.
Ah.
So, um - How youse doing? - Good.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Really happy.
Ah.
- Well, I - Yeah, lovely.
Yeah, go for it, Eric.
Fuck it.
Right.
ERIC: Beth, that's Cath and Col here.
- Oh, here she is! - Hi, Cath.
Hello, missus.
Oh, you smell all - Kitchen.
- Hmm.
- You all right, Beth? - Fine, yes, it's all under control.
Is it, Beth? That's good, so am I.
Well, something smells good, eh? Leg of lamb.
A leg of lamb? Eric, a leg of lamb? Aye.
That's a Sunday lunch.
Oh, aye.
How long since we did this, eh? BETH: Aye, too long.
It's good to keep the traditions going, isn't it? I mean, like, when we all get together for, well, for Sunday lunch, Christmas, funerals.
Well, I hope youse all like roast potatoes.
Roast potatoes on the go, eh? Not just any old potatoes though, eh? Oh, really, Eric.
Special potatoes, Beth? Well.
No, not really.
We just picked up a big bag at the farmers' market yesterday.
Ooh, farmers' market.
Big sausages and brown paper and Land Rovers and pigs with no heads.
Aye.
Erm, well you're more than welcome to take some away if you want.
And do what with them? - Well, cook them.
- No.
IAN: Hello! ERIC: Ah! BETH: Ah.
It's Ian and Jaz! Ian and Jaz! (GASPS) Peck on the lips, peck on the lips, Jaz.
(KISSES LOUDLY) Oh.
I bet he's a lovely kisser, Ian.
BETH: You all right, Jaz? Feeling OK? - Fine, yeah.
- Have you not been well, Jaz? - (WHIMPERS) - Yeah, but, he's going back to work tomorrow.
Are you? - It's no big deal, is it? - (TIMER DINGS) Oh.
'Course it's not.
You nervous about it, Jaz? Cathy.
- Hold your hand out.
- What? Little bit shaky.
He'll be fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
Mmm-hmm.
- BETH: Ian! - That's your mum wanting ya, give her a hand.
I should go as well.
Get a look at Beth's big potatoes.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Stress you were off with, wasn't it? So Everything all right, what have you been up to? Not much.
Pretty quiet.
Been saving up to buy a house Yeah, that's great.
Beth, could you open a window? Really hot in here and it really smells.
- What are we having? - Lamb.
Leg of lamb.
What's Jaz getting? - Oh, God.
- What's the matter? - Jaz is a vegetarian.
- Oh, no.
He can have the potatoes though.
What else have you got, Beth? Erm, eggs.
Er Tin of tuna.
He won't eat any of that.
Er, lettuce? Well, there's all these potatoes here.
He can have a Baked potato or a potato pie.
I'll just go to the shop and pick something up.
Oh, my God.
What about a potato sandwich? I am not making Jaz a potato sandwich, Cathy.
My God, Beth, there's loads! I know.
- These are organic as well.
- Are they? Well, the shit's still on them, they must be.
So, that will be you up and out of your bed at a decent time tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Oof! That'll be a shock to the system.
Oh, you know.
And, see, the roads at that time of the morning.
Oh.
It'll be OK.
Aye.
Is it M8 you go? - Yeah.
- Eric.
- Eh? - M8 in the morning.
That's the way you used to go, isn't it? Oh, aye, aye.
Oh, God that was a nightmare.
You said it was like Wacky Races, did you not? - Aye, when it's moving.
- Well, that's one thing, Jaz.
You cannae get killed when you're at a standstill.
Although if something rams something from behind, you do get the Concertina Effect.
Ooh, aye.
Nasty.
And that wee Corsa of yours with the sunroof, you could pop out of that like a jack-in-the-box.
- I'm just stepping to the shop.
- You what? I'll be 10 minutes.
I could always get the train.
COLIN: The train, yes, good idea.
Aye, plenty of folk take the train.
Let the train take the strain.
See that crush at the barriers at Edinburgh last week? (INHALES DEEPLY) Cathy, get the parsnips out of there, would you, please? They're like white carrots.
There you go.
Ta.
Is everything all right with you and Colin? Well.
Yeah.
More or less.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Beth, I don't know what to do.
What is it, Cathy? Colin was out on Friday night with those wankers from the golf club.
And when he came in, he said he'd been in a pub.
But then last night, I was on the Facebook and he had been tagged in a picture that was taken in a lap-dancing bar.
- Oof.
Are you sure? Oh! That's definitely a lap-dancing bar.
Oh, Sophie, there's Ian.
Ian! Hi.
Christine.
- Hi, Sophie.
- Hiya.
Is this you in doing your shopping? I'm just getting something for Jaz, for his lunch.
Hey.
There's tins of custard round there.
Reduced to 59, isn't that right, Sophie? Yeah.
Custard with banana sliced in, have you ever had that, Ian? - No.
- There's UHT milk as well, that's originally been part of a multi-pack.
Is there? Right.
- Listen, I'd better - Watch your step round there.
'Cause some wee lass went and smashed a bottle of white wine vinegar.
The yellow triangle's up, but no sign of the blue roll as yet.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) - Well, it's nice to see ya! - Oh, aye! You too! Here How come you're doing your shopping in here? You've got that big Tesco right at your back door.
Oh, no, we're up at my mum's.
Oh, right.
(CHUCKLES) So how come you're having to buy Jaz's lunch? Well, we're all Having lamb.
Lamb.
Hmm.
Oh, I like lamb.
So, if I phone up to query my bill, you're the guy that answers? No, not straightaway.
You go through the options first.
Oh, aye, aye.
Press one for billing, two for meter reading and three for such and such and all that shite.
- Yeah.
- So, I choose my option.
- And then you pick up.
- Yeah.
- Well, as long as there's not a queue.
- Oh.
- The queue.
- Oh, jeez.
- With the music.
- Oh, God! Do you guys see as to what music it is that they play? - No.
- No? It come from head office.
Oh, here, he's got the lingo, down to a tee, Eric.
"It's nothing to do with me, it's head office.
" Fat cat central.
Aye, they're doing all right.
The poor workers don't see any of it.
There's poor Jaz, stressed to breaking point, getting paid peanuts.
And no rights.
Sack you on the spot if you like.
So, I'm on the phone.
I've done everything I've meant to.
I've pressed my buttons.
I've waited in my queue.
I've hung on and hung on and hung on.
And I've finally got to the front.
And I am ready for blood.
Is that where you come in? (IN SQUEAKY VOICE) I'm just going to the toilet.
Oh, here we go.
That's us.
He's a good, smooth driver, isn't he, Sophie? Lovely.
More than can be said for some of the private hires we've been getting.
What are they like, Sophie? I said to that one last week, "Hey, hey! She's pregnant.
And I've had a big lunch, "so less of the Lewis Hamiltons.
" Look.
These nights out, Cathy.
They end up having too much to drink and then they just get carried away.
That's what he said.
He said he kept his eyes shut and his hand on his pint.
- Well, there you go.
- I don't believe him.
Oh, Cathy.
Look at me, Beth.
Look at me! Look at my arse! Hmm? I've done spin classes for seven years, Beth! I've done Pilates for five, I've had I've had my teeth whitened.
I've been waxed, bleached and douched.
All so he can walk into a bar and watch some young girl that's travelled halfway across the world in the boot of a car, slide up and down a pole for 15 quid.
Oh, Cathy.
I mean sometimes, Beth, I wish I was more like you and I didn't give a shit what I looked like.
(SIGHS) - (DOOR OPENS) - CHRISTINE: Oh, bastard sciatica.
(DOOR CLOSES) Just dump the bags there, Sophie.
- What? - Bumped into them at the supermarket.
Oh, you're here as well, eh? No show without Punch.
We won't stop long, Eric.
We don't want to outstay our welcome.
(CHUCKLES) A welcome usually follows an invitation and there wasn't one of those.
- Mum - Where's Jaz? - He's, uh - Beth busy, is she? - She's in the kitchen.
- Oh, right.
Aye, she'll have her hands full, eh? To full to pick up the fucking phone and ring me.
Mum! - Oh, hi, Christine.
- Mum.
Where's Jaz? I don't know.
He's away off for a slash, Beth.
Hello, Beth.
(CHUCKLES) Hope you don't mind us dropping by, we bumped into Ian in the supermarket.
No, no, it's fine.
(SMACKS LIPS) Something smells nice.
Would you like to stay and have something to eat? Oh, no, we've got quiche there that needs to be used by tonight.
- All right.
- And there's fresh cream for on top of my Viennetta, that needs to go in the fridge.
- Well, it was just, er - And fish fingers as well.
I'm shovelling those omega threes into her.
Well, Pat over the back, her daughter took them and see that granddaughter, talk about smart! Pat only has to shout, "Cigarette!" And that wee one's right there with a lighter.
Well, if you'd like to stay, you're more than welcome.
Ah.
What are you having? Lamb.
With? - Potatoes.
- What kind of potatoes? Boiled and roast.
I don't mind roast.
Well, then I'll stick a couple of extra in.
Oh, but not great big ones.
OK.
Wee ones.
Aye, wee ones, could you slice them up? - Yep, fine.
- Mmm-hmm.
Not too thin, though.
Not too thin.
Quite chunky.
Chunky.
What, like chips? Oh, chips would be lovely.
Jaz? Jaz? Are you in there? So how's young Sophie, then? Still feel a bit sick in the mornings.
I sometimes get that.
I don't know what it is.
I find the best thing is to actually just be sick.
It's good you're getting out to the supermarket for a wee breath of fresh air.
She went into the town yesterday as well, didn't you? Yeah.
She needed a bigger bra.
Say no more.
Personal information.
Hmm.
There's a hell of a weight in them.
- Mum.
- What? I'm busy, what is it? - Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
Jaz.
Are you in there? Have you made a mess? Hands up, who's been to the Carvery? Oh, we've been several times, haven't we, Cath? Eric.
You been? Er, not for a while, no.
I took Sophie on her birthday, didn't I? Oh, don't.
She had a bit of everything, the lamb, beef, - pork, turkey.
- (SIGHS) - Turkey can be dry.
- CHRISTINE: Aye.
You had the gravy though, didn't you, Sophie? Oh, Cath likes gravy, don't you? She pours it on her Yorkshire pudding.
(CHUCKLES) Do you, Cathy? Jaz! Jaz! What's going on? We think Jaz has locked himself in the toilet.
Oh, has he? Let me have a little word with him.
Jaz, get out! I need to pee and if I piss my pants you're clearing it up.
Cathy! What on earth is the matter with him? He's worried about going back to work tomorrow.
Jaz.
Are you stressed? Are you panicking? Are you having a panic attack? Are you having a breakdown? I tell you what.
I'm getting a bit peckish.
I'll go and check the meat.
Aye.
Go and have a look and see how it's doing.
Oh, here, Eric.
Did she say it was roast potatoes she was doing? Aye.
Any chance you have a wee bit of mash? I like a bit of mash to mop up my gravy.
Oh, aye, mash, lovely.
Eric! Could I have a bit of mash, too? What about your chips? Oh, go on, I'll have chips as well.
At least speak to me so I know you're all right? (WHISPERING) Beth! Get a ladder up and have a look in.
No! Remember you did that when you thought Eric was masturbating in the afternoons? We'll need to batter the door down.
We are not battering the door down.
Jaz! Just let us know you're all right.
Oh.
We didn't know what was going on.
Yes, Jaz, you stupid little shit.
BETH: Cathy, down the stairs.
Beth, see the potatoes, is it all right if I have the tiny roast ones? Ugh, do you want chips as well? No, not chips! Little square ones like you get in Spain, patatas, they're called.
Patatas, potatoes! What's the matter? I can't go back to work tomorrow.
- What's going on? - It's fine, it's nothing.
It's nothing, Colin.
Some things are private, actually.
I thought wee Jaz might be having a breakdown.
- He is, aye.
- Look, he's not having a breakdown.
Just a wee one.
Oh, I've said from the day that I met that boy, that I could just picture him being sectioned.
Is he OK, Mrs Baird? He's fine, Sophie.
Are you getting him taken away, are you? No! Nobody's getting "taken away".
He just needed a couple of minutes to himself.
It's when they start shaving their heads, like Britney Spears.
Jaz would really suit having his head shaved.
Cathy! Sophie, would you like Jaz to shave his head? Jaz is not going to shave his head, Cathy, now that's enough.
He's fine.
He just gets a bit uptight.
And the last thing he needs is for us lot to be going on about it, so can we just let it go, OK? OK? I'll tell ya something.
Another half an hour of this and she could snap like a fucking twig herself.
You can just go if you want.
- No, I'm fine.
- You sure? Yeah.
Better off here.
Keeps my mind off things, being around people, chatting and stuff.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, hi, Jaz.
In ya come, Jaz.
Ah, there's Jaz, my wee pal.
Come on, you, and sit next to me, son.
Oh, there you go.
COLIN: This is nice, Jaz, eh? Everybody getting together and sitting down.
Waiting on the potatoes.
Would you like a drink of something, Jaz? Eh Just a glass of water, please.
Ah, that's good, son.
Just because you cannae face reality, does not mean that you have to hit the bottle.
That was good of Ian getting ya a vegetarian meal, eh, Jaz? - Oh.
- Aye.
- Sophie, remember you tried it.
- Yeah.
Oh, I mind of that, eh? I was away getting her a nut roast and peppers stuffed with cheese.
The first time I sat down to eat a steak pie, she was circling my chair like a vulture.
I've often thought of going vegetarian myself.
Don't talk shit.
I have.
There's lots of vegetables I like.
I like peas, I like carrots.
I like sweet corn.
Christ, who do you think you are, the Hungry Fucking Caterpillar.
(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) (GIGGLING NERVOUSLY) Don't tell me he's losing it again.
Pierce the film on this shepherd's pie and stick it in the microwave.
- Who's having this? - Jaz.
Right, get everyone sat down.
Right folks, that's us.
Grub's up.
Oh, lovely, Eric.
Will you manage, Sophie? Oh, she'll be fine but I'll need a wee pull-up, here, Ian.
Come on, that's it, son.
Ready for a nice, big meal, are you, Sophie? I'm not really hungry.
Ooh.
Cathy.
You and Colin go there.
No, no, no, no.
I'm gonna sit next to Sophie.
Where will I go? Next to Christine.
Sophie.
Anything I don't want, I'll shove onto your plate, yeah? Clear all this shite out of the way.
'Cause I like to lean right in.
Ah, smell that lamb.
Do you smell it, Christine? Smell that lamb! Indeed I do.
You smell it, Ian? Aye.
Hey, Jaz, smell that Oh, sorry.
Right, here we are.
- Hey, hey! - Oh.
Just, er, help yourselves.
BETH: OK.
Cathy.
You'll take roast? Yes, please, missus.
BETH: Er, Colin? Mash and three roast, Beth.
BETH: Mash and three roast.
COLIN: There we go.
Christine, your chips.
Oh, just give me them here, I'll just scrape them all onto my plate, er Any vinegar, Beth? Eric, vinegar.
Oh, Eric, any mint sauce? - (CLEARS THROAT) - Sophie? Just a tiny bit for me, Mrs Baird, honestly.
- (MICROWAVE BEEPS) - Er, Eric, microwave.
- CHRISTINE: Thank you, Eric.
- Ian? Just some boiled.
I'll take a couple of boiled as well.
COLIN: Mmm.
Beth.
This mash is lovely.
Hmm.
I'll take some mash and all.
Oh, there ya go.
Personal service, eh? Your own personal pie man waiting on ya.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, yuck! Oh gads, that is so gross! Look at it, Sophie.
Look at that.
- No, you're all right.
- COLIN: Is it meant to look like that? That is just muck! Three-and-a-half minutes it said and that's what I gave it.
It's fine, Mrs Baird.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Honestly.
CHRISTINE: You enjoy it, son.
You'll be back locked in that loo before you know it.
(CHUCKLES) Right.
Has everybody got? Right.
Sorted.
Lovely.
In fact, why don't I do a wee toast? Why don't you not bother? Thanks, eh, to to Beth and Eric.
For not only these beautiful potatoes that you have sourced for us, but also, the magnificent leg of lamb, which I think we'd all agree is absolutely delicious.
Well, not you, Jaz, because, well, you've got pie, but Take it from me, son, this is melt-in-your-mouth stuff.
So, here's to you, Beth and Eric.
- Eric and Beth! - (ALL TOASTING) Oh, and good luck to Jaz on his first day back at work tomorrow.
ALL: Jaz! Eh, he's not going.
Oh.
Well, er Well, good luck Back at the doctor's, trying to get your sick note.
ALL: Cheers.
Well this is nice, isn't it? Nice getting everybody together.
- Traditional Sunday lunch, eh? - Exactly.
See, when I was a wee boy, see, no matter what was going on, we all sat down together on a Sunday, with a bit of meat, few potatoes, and a bit of pudding for afters.
There's plenty of potatoes if anybody wants.
- We should do this more often, eh? - Mmm.
Oh, well.
Your turn next then, eh, Cathy? Fuck that.
All right.
What is the matter with you? - Who, me? - No.
The other torn-faced cow that's sucking on a leccy fag behind you.
Aye, you! - Christine.
- Ah, well no wonder, Beth.
She's been cutting about here with a face like a smacked arse the whole day! - Excuse me? - Cathy, just don't.
It's all right, Beth.
It's all right.
I'm sorry, Christine, if I am not my usual cheery self today.
But I happen to be dealing with a personal matter and that's how it shall remain.
Personal.
- What happened? - He's been at the lap-dancing! Oh.
Now, hang on.
- Dirty dog.
- Mmm.
Dirty wee dog.
Look, it's not how it sounds.
Oh, is it not? Nothing happened! Oh! You forget your wallet? Maybe now's not the time to go through this? He said he was on a golf club night out and then On Facebook, he was tagged in a picture in a lap-dancing club.
Oh, I can just see him with the boobs in the face, grinning away.
- So gross.
- Hey, Beth, see, Pat over the back, her nephew went to one of them at Aberdeen, £75 for a can of Red Bull and a dry hump off a wee lassie in a denim skirt.
No, no, no, look, it wasn't like that.
It was actually Well, it was actually quite a classy place.
- What's it called? - Sliders.
(GASPING) Look, why don't we just have our dinner and leave this? I can't eat! Here, Sophie, get me her meat over.
It's not that big a deal, is it? Erm, pardon? It's not like it's nothing that you can't see anywhere else.
I mean, if you're on a beach and people are topless, do you know what I mean? Exactly, Ian! I mean, Eric, you've seen topless women at the beach? Well, I And there's nothing sexual about it, is there? No, no! I (STAMMERING) It's just quite What, it's like a wee bonus.
COLIN: Look.
We were all out.
It was one of the boy's birthdays.
The pubs were shutting and a few of the lads fancied going somewhere else.
It was just a bit of a laugh.
"A bit of a laugh".
So you're telling me you just went and sat there, had a drink and that was it? Well Well, all right, I mean I I had a dance thing.
Ah! Here we go.
- What dance? - Well We were just chatting, and well, the next thing I knew, well, I turn round and At first, I actually though the lassie had dropped something.
- What! - But Cathy Cathy, listen.
The thing is Nothing happened.
Oh, you must think I am stupid.
I'm telling ya, nothing happened, as in - Nothing happened! - Oh.
Like, nothing happened! - Didn't it? - No! That only happens when it's It only happens, when it's you and me.
(GROANS) - Really? - Aye.
- Honestly? - Yes.
Oh, Col! Colin.
(SOBS) Not even a semi? No.
(GIGGLING) Oh, this is the best Sunday ever! Beth! Go and get us a bottle of wine.
Actually, fuck it, I'll go.
You've been stuck in that shitty little kitchen all day.
(SIGHS) Good.
So we can all get on with our lunch now.
Beth! My chips are cold.
Can you heat them up? I don't really like this.
It's gettin' hot in here So take off all your clothes - ERIC: Oh, Christ.
- There she goes.
I am getting so hot I'm gonna take my clothes off - Cathy.
- (LAUGHING) It's getting hot in here So let me pour you wine With a little bit of uh, uh And a little bit of ah, ah - Is it starting yet? - Oh, yes.
Anybody, er, want more potatoes or anything? Good gracious, ass is bodacious - And slut drop! - (OTHERS CHEERING) With a little bit of uh, uh And a little bit of ah, ah Whoo! CATHY: Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was (SOPHIE RETCHING) (CATHY CONTINUES SINGING) (SIGHS) Mmm.
February 2017
Jaz isn't a big eater, Ian, he'll take three.
There's Colin.
Cathy won't take that much.
I'll take a couple of roast and you? Yeah, I'd better do more.
(THEME SONG PLAYING) Cathy! This wine isn't that cold, Cath.
Oh, Eric's had his strimmer out.
The garden's looking very nice.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Cathy, look.
Don't even speak to me, you little Cock! Oh, hi, Eric.
Hi, Eric.
Bottle of wine, for a lovely host.
Oh.
Very kind of ya.
What've we got here? - Spanish - Screw-top.
Ah.
So, um - How youse doing? - Good.
Yeah, uh-huh.
Really happy.
Ah.
- Well, I - Yeah, lovely.
Yeah, go for it, Eric.
Fuck it.
Right.
ERIC: Beth, that's Cath and Col here.
- Oh, here she is! - Hi, Cath.
Hello, missus.
Oh, you smell all - Kitchen.
- Hmm.
- You all right, Beth? - Fine, yes, it's all under control.
Is it, Beth? That's good, so am I.
Well, something smells good, eh? Leg of lamb.
A leg of lamb? Eric, a leg of lamb? Aye.
That's a Sunday lunch.
Oh, aye.
How long since we did this, eh? BETH: Aye, too long.
It's good to keep the traditions going, isn't it? I mean, like, when we all get together for, well, for Sunday lunch, Christmas, funerals.
Well, I hope youse all like roast potatoes.
Roast potatoes on the go, eh? Not just any old potatoes though, eh? Oh, really, Eric.
Special potatoes, Beth? Well.
No, not really.
We just picked up a big bag at the farmers' market yesterday.
Ooh, farmers' market.
Big sausages and brown paper and Land Rovers and pigs with no heads.
Aye.
Erm, well you're more than welcome to take some away if you want.
And do what with them? - Well, cook them.
- No.
IAN: Hello! ERIC: Ah! BETH: Ah.
It's Ian and Jaz! Ian and Jaz! (GASPS) Peck on the lips, peck on the lips, Jaz.
(KISSES LOUDLY) Oh.
I bet he's a lovely kisser, Ian.
BETH: You all right, Jaz? Feeling OK? - Fine, yeah.
- Have you not been well, Jaz? - (WHIMPERS) - Yeah, but, he's going back to work tomorrow.
Are you? - It's no big deal, is it? - (TIMER DINGS) Oh.
'Course it's not.
You nervous about it, Jaz? Cathy.
- Hold your hand out.
- What? Little bit shaky.
He'll be fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
Mmm-hmm.
- BETH: Ian! - That's your mum wanting ya, give her a hand.
I should go as well.
Get a look at Beth's big potatoes.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Stress you were off with, wasn't it? So Everything all right, what have you been up to? Not much.
Pretty quiet.
Been saving up to buy a house Yeah, that's great.
Beth, could you open a window? Really hot in here and it really smells.
- What are we having? - Lamb.
Leg of lamb.
What's Jaz getting? - Oh, God.
- What's the matter? - Jaz is a vegetarian.
- Oh, no.
He can have the potatoes though.
What else have you got, Beth? Erm, eggs.
Er Tin of tuna.
He won't eat any of that.
Er, lettuce? Well, there's all these potatoes here.
He can have a Baked potato or a potato pie.
I'll just go to the shop and pick something up.
Oh, my God.
What about a potato sandwich? I am not making Jaz a potato sandwich, Cathy.
My God, Beth, there's loads! I know.
- These are organic as well.
- Are they? Well, the shit's still on them, they must be.
So, that will be you up and out of your bed at a decent time tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- Oof! That'll be a shock to the system.
Oh, you know.
And, see, the roads at that time of the morning.
Oh.
It'll be OK.
Aye.
Is it M8 you go? - Yeah.
- Eric.
- Eh? - M8 in the morning.
That's the way you used to go, isn't it? Oh, aye, aye.
Oh, God that was a nightmare.
You said it was like Wacky Races, did you not? - Aye, when it's moving.
- Well, that's one thing, Jaz.
You cannae get killed when you're at a standstill.
Although if something rams something from behind, you do get the Concertina Effect.
Ooh, aye.
Nasty.
And that wee Corsa of yours with the sunroof, you could pop out of that like a jack-in-the-box.
- I'm just stepping to the shop.
- You what? I'll be 10 minutes.
I could always get the train.
COLIN: The train, yes, good idea.
Aye, plenty of folk take the train.
Let the train take the strain.
See that crush at the barriers at Edinburgh last week? (INHALES DEEPLY) Cathy, get the parsnips out of there, would you, please? They're like white carrots.
There you go.
Ta.
Is everything all right with you and Colin? Well.
Yeah.
More or less.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, Beth, I don't know what to do.
What is it, Cathy? Colin was out on Friday night with those wankers from the golf club.
And when he came in, he said he'd been in a pub.
But then last night, I was on the Facebook and he had been tagged in a picture that was taken in a lap-dancing bar.
- Oof.
Are you sure? Oh! That's definitely a lap-dancing bar.
Oh, Sophie, there's Ian.
Ian! Hi.
Christine.
- Hi, Sophie.
- Hiya.
Is this you in doing your shopping? I'm just getting something for Jaz, for his lunch.
Hey.
There's tins of custard round there.
Reduced to 59, isn't that right, Sophie? Yeah.
Custard with banana sliced in, have you ever had that, Ian? - No.
- There's UHT milk as well, that's originally been part of a multi-pack.
Is there? Right.
- Listen, I'd better - Watch your step round there.
'Cause some wee lass went and smashed a bottle of white wine vinegar.
The yellow triangle's up, but no sign of the blue roll as yet.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) - Well, it's nice to see ya! - Oh, aye! You too! Here How come you're doing your shopping in here? You've got that big Tesco right at your back door.
Oh, no, we're up at my mum's.
Oh, right.
(CHUCKLES) So how come you're having to buy Jaz's lunch? Well, we're all Having lamb.
Lamb.
Hmm.
Oh, I like lamb.
So, if I phone up to query my bill, you're the guy that answers? No, not straightaway.
You go through the options first.
Oh, aye, aye.
Press one for billing, two for meter reading and three for such and such and all that shite.
- Yeah.
- So, I choose my option.
- And then you pick up.
- Yeah.
- Well, as long as there's not a queue.
- Oh.
- The queue.
- Oh, jeez.
- With the music.
- Oh, God! Do you guys see as to what music it is that they play? - No.
- No? It come from head office.
Oh, here, he's got the lingo, down to a tee, Eric.
"It's nothing to do with me, it's head office.
" Fat cat central.
Aye, they're doing all right.
The poor workers don't see any of it.
There's poor Jaz, stressed to breaking point, getting paid peanuts.
And no rights.
Sack you on the spot if you like.
So, I'm on the phone.
I've done everything I've meant to.
I've pressed my buttons.
I've waited in my queue.
I've hung on and hung on and hung on.
And I've finally got to the front.
And I am ready for blood.
Is that where you come in? (IN SQUEAKY VOICE) I'm just going to the toilet.
Oh, here we go.
That's us.
He's a good, smooth driver, isn't he, Sophie? Lovely.
More than can be said for some of the private hires we've been getting.
What are they like, Sophie? I said to that one last week, "Hey, hey! She's pregnant.
And I've had a big lunch, "so less of the Lewis Hamiltons.
" Look.
These nights out, Cathy.
They end up having too much to drink and then they just get carried away.
That's what he said.
He said he kept his eyes shut and his hand on his pint.
- Well, there you go.
- I don't believe him.
Oh, Cathy.
Look at me, Beth.
Look at me! Look at my arse! Hmm? I've done spin classes for seven years, Beth! I've done Pilates for five, I've had I've had my teeth whitened.
I've been waxed, bleached and douched.
All so he can walk into a bar and watch some young girl that's travelled halfway across the world in the boot of a car, slide up and down a pole for 15 quid.
Oh, Cathy.
I mean sometimes, Beth, I wish I was more like you and I didn't give a shit what I looked like.
(SIGHS) - (DOOR OPENS) - CHRISTINE: Oh, bastard sciatica.
(DOOR CLOSES) Just dump the bags there, Sophie.
- What? - Bumped into them at the supermarket.
Oh, you're here as well, eh? No show without Punch.
We won't stop long, Eric.
We don't want to outstay our welcome.
(CHUCKLES) A welcome usually follows an invitation and there wasn't one of those.
- Mum - Where's Jaz? - He's, uh - Beth busy, is she? - She's in the kitchen.
- Oh, right.
Aye, she'll have her hands full, eh? To full to pick up the fucking phone and ring me.
Mum! - Oh, hi, Christine.
- Mum.
Where's Jaz? I don't know.
He's away off for a slash, Beth.
Hello, Beth.
(CHUCKLES) Hope you don't mind us dropping by, we bumped into Ian in the supermarket.
No, no, it's fine.
(SMACKS LIPS) Something smells nice.
Would you like to stay and have something to eat? Oh, no, we've got quiche there that needs to be used by tonight.
- All right.
- And there's fresh cream for on top of my Viennetta, that needs to go in the fridge.
- Well, it was just, er - And fish fingers as well.
I'm shovelling those omega threes into her.
Well, Pat over the back, her daughter took them and see that granddaughter, talk about smart! Pat only has to shout, "Cigarette!" And that wee one's right there with a lighter.
Well, if you'd like to stay, you're more than welcome.
Ah.
What are you having? Lamb.
With? - Potatoes.
- What kind of potatoes? Boiled and roast.
I don't mind roast.
Well, then I'll stick a couple of extra in.
Oh, but not great big ones.
OK.
Wee ones.
Aye, wee ones, could you slice them up? - Yep, fine.
- Mmm-hmm.
Not too thin, though.
Not too thin.
Quite chunky.
Chunky.
What, like chips? Oh, chips would be lovely.
Jaz? Jaz? Are you in there? So how's young Sophie, then? Still feel a bit sick in the mornings.
I sometimes get that.
I don't know what it is.
I find the best thing is to actually just be sick.
It's good you're getting out to the supermarket for a wee breath of fresh air.
She went into the town yesterday as well, didn't you? Yeah.
She needed a bigger bra.
Say no more.
Personal information.
Hmm.
There's a hell of a weight in them.
- Mum.
- What? I'm busy, what is it? - Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
Jaz.
Are you in there? Have you made a mess? Hands up, who's been to the Carvery? Oh, we've been several times, haven't we, Cath? Eric.
You been? Er, not for a while, no.
I took Sophie on her birthday, didn't I? Oh, don't.
She had a bit of everything, the lamb, beef, - pork, turkey.
- (SIGHS) - Turkey can be dry.
- CHRISTINE: Aye.
You had the gravy though, didn't you, Sophie? Oh, Cath likes gravy, don't you? She pours it on her Yorkshire pudding.
(CHUCKLES) Do you, Cathy? Jaz! Jaz! What's going on? We think Jaz has locked himself in the toilet.
Oh, has he? Let me have a little word with him.
Jaz, get out! I need to pee and if I piss my pants you're clearing it up.
Cathy! What on earth is the matter with him? He's worried about going back to work tomorrow.
Jaz.
Are you stressed? Are you panicking? Are you having a panic attack? Are you having a breakdown? I tell you what.
I'm getting a bit peckish.
I'll go and check the meat.
Aye.
Go and have a look and see how it's doing.
Oh, here, Eric.
Did she say it was roast potatoes she was doing? Aye.
Any chance you have a wee bit of mash? I like a bit of mash to mop up my gravy.
Oh, aye, mash, lovely.
Eric! Could I have a bit of mash, too? What about your chips? Oh, go on, I'll have chips as well.
At least speak to me so I know you're all right? (WHISPERING) Beth! Get a ladder up and have a look in.
No! Remember you did that when you thought Eric was masturbating in the afternoons? We'll need to batter the door down.
We are not battering the door down.
Jaz! Just let us know you're all right.
Oh.
We didn't know what was going on.
Yes, Jaz, you stupid little shit.
BETH: Cathy, down the stairs.
Beth, see the potatoes, is it all right if I have the tiny roast ones? Ugh, do you want chips as well? No, not chips! Little square ones like you get in Spain, patatas, they're called.
Patatas, potatoes! What's the matter? I can't go back to work tomorrow.
- What's going on? - It's fine, it's nothing.
It's nothing, Colin.
Some things are private, actually.
I thought wee Jaz might be having a breakdown.
- He is, aye.
- Look, he's not having a breakdown.
Just a wee one.
Oh, I've said from the day that I met that boy, that I could just picture him being sectioned.
Is he OK, Mrs Baird? He's fine, Sophie.
Are you getting him taken away, are you? No! Nobody's getting "taken away".
He just needed a couple of minutes to himself.
It's when they start shaving their heads, like Britney Spears.
Jaz would really suit having his head shaved.
Cathy! Sophie, would you like Jaz to shave his head? Jaz is not going to shave his head, Cathy, now that's enough.
He's fine.
He just gets a bit uptight.
And the last thing he needs is for us lot to be going on about it, so can we just let it go, OK? OK? I'll tell ya something.
Another half an hour of this and she could snap like a fucking twig herself.
You can just go if you want.
- No, I'm fine.
- You sure? Yeah.
Better off here.
Keeps my mind off things, being around people, chatting and stuff.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, hi, Jaz.
In ya come, Jaz.
Ah, there's Jaz, my wee pal.
Come on, you, and sit next to me, son.
Oh, there you go.
COLIN: This is nice, Jaz, eh? Everybody getting together and sitting down.
Waiting on the potatoes.
Would you like a drink of something, Jaz? Eh Just a glass of water, please.
Ah, that's good, son.
Just because you cannae face reality, does not mean that you have to hit the bottle.
That was good of Ian getting ya a vegetarian meal, eh, Jaz? - Oh.
- Aye.
- Sophie, remember you tried it.
- Yeah.
Oh, I mind of that, eh? I was away getting her a nut roast and peppers stuffed with cheese.
The first time I sat down to eat a steak pie, she was circling my chair like a vulture.
I've often thought of going vegetarian myself.
Don't talk shit.
I have.
There's lots of vegetables I like.
I like peas, I like carrots.
I like sweet corn.
Christ, who do you think you are, the Hungry Fucking Caterpillar.
(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY) (GIGGLING NERVOUSLY) Don't tell me he's losing it again.
Pierce the film on this shepherd's pie and stick it in the microwave.
- Who's having this? - Jaz.
Right, get everyone sat down.
Right folks, that's us.
Grub's up.
Oh, lovely, Eric.
Will you manage, Sophie? Oh, she'll be fine but I'll need a wee pull-up, here, Ian.
Come on, that's it, son.
Ready for a nice, big meal, are you, Sophie? I'm not really hungry.
Ooh.
Cathy.
You and Colin go there.
No, no, no, no.
I'm gonna sit next to Sophie.
Where will I go? Next to Christine.
Sophie.
Anything I don't want, I'll shove onto your plate, yeah? Clear all this shite out of the way.
'Cause I like to lean right in.
Ah, smell that lamb.
Do you smell it, Christine? Smell that lamb! Indeed I do.
You smell it, Ian? Aye.
Hey, Jaz, smell that Oh, sorry.
Right, here we are.
- Hey, hey! - Oh.
Just, er, help yourselves.
BETH: OK.
Cathy.
You'll take roast? Yes, please, missus.
BETH: Er, Colin? Mash and three roast, Beth.
BETH: Mash and three roast.
COLIN: There we go.
Christine, your chips.
Oh, just give me them here, I'll just scrape them all onto my plate, er Any vinegar, Beth? Eric, vinegar.
Oh, Eric, any mint sauce? - (CLEARS THROAT) - Sophie? Just a tiny bit for me, Mrs Baird, honestly.
- (MICROWAVE BEEPS) - Er, Eric, microwave.
- CHRISTINE: Thank you, Eric.
- Ian? Just some boiled.
I'll take a couple of boiled as well.
COLIN: Mmm.
Beth.
This mash is lovely.
Hmm.
I'll take some mash and all.
Oh, there ya go.
Personal service, eh? Your own personal pie man waiting on ya.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, yuck! Oh gads, that is so gross! Look at it, Sophie.
Look at that.
- No, you're all right.
- COLIN: Is it meant to look like that? That is just muck! Three-and-a-half minutes it said and that's what I gave it.
It's fine, Mrs Baird.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
Honestly.
CHRISTINE: You enjoy it, son.
You'll be back locked in that loo before you know it.
(CHUCKLES) Right.
Has everybody got? Right.
Sorted.
Lovely.
In fact, why don't I do a wee toast? Why don't you not bother? Thanks, eh, to to Beth and Eric.
For not only these beautiful potatoes that you have sourced for us, but also, the magnificent leg of lamb, which I think we'd all agree is absolutely delicious.
Well, not you, Jaz, because, well, you've got pie, but Take it from me, son, this is melt-in-your-mouth stuff.
So, here's to you, Beth and Eric.
- Eric and Beth! - (ALL TOASTING) Oh, and good luck to Jaz on his first day back at work tomorrow.
ALL: Jaz! Eh, he's not going.
Oh.
Well, er Well, good luck Back at the doctor's, trying to get your sick note.
ALL: Cheers.
Well this is nice, isn't it? Nice getting everybody together.
- Traditional Sunday lunch, eh? - Exactly.
See, when I was a wee boy, see, no matter what was going on, we all sat down together on a Sunday, with a bit of meat, few potatoes, and a bit of pudding for afters.
There's plenty of potatoes if anybody wants.
- We should do this more often, eh? - Mmm.
Oh, well.
Your turn next then, eh, Cathy? Fuck that.
All right.
What is the matter with you? - Who, me? - No.
The other torn-faced cow that's sucking on a leccy fag behind you.
Aye, you! - Christine.
- Ah, well no wonder, Beth.
She's been cutting about here with a face like a smacked arse the whole day! - Excuse me? - Cathy, just don't.
It's all right, Beth.
It's all right.
I'm sorry, Christine, if I am not my usual cheery self today.
But I happen to be dealing with a personal matter and that's how it shall remain.
Personal.
- What happened? - He's been at the lap-dancing! Oh.
Now, hang on.
- Dirty dog.
- Mmm.
Dirty wee dog.
Look, it's not how it sounds.
Oh, is it not? Nothing happened! Oh! You forget your wallet? Maybe now's not the time to go through this? He said he was on a golf club night out and then On Facebook, he was tagged in a picture in a lap-dancing club.
Oh, I can just see him with the boobs in the face, grinning away.
- So gross.
- Hey, Beth, see, Pat over the back, her nephew went to one of them at Aberdeen, £75 for a can of Red Bull and a dry hump off a wee lassie in a denim skirt.
No, no, no, look, it wasn't like that.
It was actually Well, it was actually quite a classy place.
- What's it called? - Sliders.
(GASPING) Look, why don't we just have our dinner and leave this? I can't eat! Here, Sophie, get me her meat over.
It's not that big a deal, is it? Erm, pardon? It's not like it's nothing that you can't see anywhere else.
I mean, if you're on a beach and people are topless, do you know what I mean? Exactly, Ian! I mean, Eric, you've seen topless women at the beach? Well, I And there's nothing sexual about it, is there? No, no! I (STAMMERING) It's just quite What, it's like a wee bonus.
COLIN: Look.
We were all out.
It was one of the boy's birthdays.
The pubs were shutting and a few of the lads fancied going somewhere else.
It was just a bit of a laugh.
"A bit of a laugh".
So you're telling me you just went and sat there, had a drink and that was it? Well Well, all right, I mean I I had a dance thing.
Ah! Here we go.
- What dance? - Well We were just chatting, and well, the next thing I knew, well, I turn round and At first, I actually though the lassie had dropped something.
- What! - But Cathy Cathy, listen.
The thing is Nothing happened.
Oh, you must think I am stupid.
I'm telling ya, nothing happened, as in - Nothing happened! - Oh.
Like, nothing happened! - Didn't it? - No! That only happens when it's It only happens, when it's you and me.
(GROANS) - Really? - Aye.
- Honestly? - Yes.
Oh, Col! Colin.
(SOBS) Not even a semi? No.
(GIGGLING) Oh, this is the best Sunday ever! Beth! Go and get us a bottle of wine.
Actually, fuck it, I'll go.
You've been stuck in that shitty little kitchen all day.
(SIGHS) Good.
So we can all get on with our lunch now.
Beth! My chips are cold.
Can you heat them up? I don't really like this.
It's gettin' hot in here So take off all your clothes - ERIC: Oh, Christ.
- There she goes.
I am getting so hot I'm gonna take my clothes off - Cathy.
- (LAUGHING) It's getting hot in here So let me pour you wine With a little bit of uh, uh And a little bit of ah, ah - Is it starting yet? - Oh, yes.
Anybody, er, want more potatoes or anything? Good gracious, ass is bodacious - And slut drop! - (OTHERS CHEERING) With a little bit of uh, uh And a little bit of ah, ah Whoo! CATHY: Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was (SOPHIE RETCHING) (CATHY CONTINUES SINGING) (SIGHS) Mmm.
February 2017