Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998) s01e06 Episode Script
Two Guys, a Girl and a Softball Team
- shower drain still clogged ? - yup look at us Pete life seem doll lately ? not anymore, now that I have to learn to drive with one eye so, fun day at the park ? - I got kicked off the team - now what'd you do ? - I spiked the second baseman - that's all part of the game - our second baseman - oh, yeah that's wrong I'm in right field, I cut off a ball and gap, and fire rocket to second schmeco drops it and tells me : "try not to throw your shopping arm" that's when I reared in, and I cleared him in the chin these co-et softball leagues are all sexist co-et, as in boys and girls working toiling, sweating together towards a common goal ? hardly, they're forced to have at least two girls on the team so they hide one of the in right field, bury the other one as designated hitter ! yeah, cause they wanna win kidding, kidding, kidding you know, I have the perfect solution - come play on our team - yeah - we don't have a team - Pete, I have a dream a dream, where women are free to roam all fields, not just right, but center, left, and yes, even short stop - even pitcher ? - sorry kid, that's man's work I am through Â
Pete, here's the roaster you, me, and seven gorgeous babes, in skin tight baseball pants - hah, this sounds great, but you know me, I hate to lose - who said anything about losing ? - what is the number one college women sport in the country ? - basketball - after that - volleyball - after that - softball softball - and what's the city, with the most colleges ? - Boston right-o, we recruit seven gorgeous ringers, from the finest softball teams in Boston what do you say ? play ball we'll practice - Bill, if you sponsor us it'll be great publicity for the pizza place - yeah, like the 1985 Beacon street little cheeses - yeah, they made the headlines - for being the first team in little league history to lose every game there're always drowning their sorrows in my free pizzas they got so fat I had to drive them into the game in groups of three - but this isn't little league - yeah this is us, it'll be fun come on bill I bet you were quite an athlete in your day - what do you mean "in my day"? - did I say "in my day"? well I can't play anyway Ellen won't let me wear a cup - excuse me? - we're trying to have kids and I read some articles in the doctor's office that said you're not suppose to heat up you nÂ
your tÂ
thank you Berg I guess the league champ this year will be Tessio's pizzeria - Tessio's? - yeah you know, our friends down the street, the ones who slips their coupons into our pizza boxes ! when they're not doing that, they're out there winning big softball trophies, with no one to stop'em, but no big deal - when do you need the uniforms ? - if we get them by the end of the week we'll have a game this saturday - ok, when do we play Tessio's ? - a week after that - Bill, Bill, where are you going ? - as a gesture of our sportsmanship and goodwill I'm going to go over to Tessio's, and wish then the best of luck, and as I'm leaving, I'm gonna stick my menu in his front window - yeah - ok, so when do we get to meet these ringers you've been bragging about ? no time like the present, Sharon, Pete, let's give it up for your Beacon street pizza all stars meet our out field, Madeline, Jennifer, and Michelle, our third baseman Liane the riffle, and this is Bunny - you expect me to play with a team full of chicks ? - hey squirt, three of us play for Boston college - I play for Florida State - and I play the main stage at "topless topless topless" she strips, to take me out to the ball game wait wait, Sharon, what's the matter, you're afraid you're not gonna be the best girl on the team? - we'll see, alright girls, let's hit the cages - oh, I don't feel like dancing - the bating cages - oh - alright, eight players, we're one short - I know, I was counting on Bill, but this cup thing caught me off guard - alright, who're we gonna get ? - you know ! I love baseball but they said I threw the world series, I was banned from the game and thought I would never play again then one day, this couk in Iowa tears up his farm to make a baseball field, he built it, we came that's, that's terrific, listen, we're just gonna step over here into reality - yes - Pete, it's pinball girl ah, she comes in here just to torture me "ease his pain" look Pete, you've been drooling over this girl for three months, go talk to her - no, she's way outta my league - "go the distance" Pete, don't you see, now we have a softball team look, don't forget why we got into this - what? to be shallow and manipulate women ? - there you go can I have some change? - um - thanks "don't be a woos" ah, excuse me, can I talk to you for a Â
hi, um, you know, I couldn't help but noÂ
hey look, here dad wants to play catch with you you know I couldn't help but notice that you are a really good pinball player you know, nobody hits the crazy horse multi bonus bomb more that you - thanks - so you must be great at softball - why is that ? - I don't know but, but, my friend and I are starting up a team and we're looking for a ninth player I love softball, when I was little I used to play with my brothers I used to beg them to let me pitch - that's fine cause we're looking for a pitcher - can you get me on the team ? I'll have to ask the coach coach says yes alright - I'm Pete - April - so I'll see you saturday 3 o'clock at Bill Bakner park - I'll be there Pete Dunvill with the play of the day - hey, how'd my team do ? - 16 to nothing the empire called the game after the first inning, it's called the mercy rule, saves the losing team from further embarrassment alright Beacon Street Pizza bring the team in, I'll give'em all free .
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salads - thanks Bill - Tessio is going down - are you like a compulsive liar or can you control it? - I didn't lie, I said 16 to nothing, I just didn't tell that we were the .
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nothing I can't believe we lost to .
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Flowers By Bruce - Sharon shake it off, alright, it was our first game, we'll get better - yeah, we shoot April in the head - well, you know, you know, it's so easy to blame April - actually Pete, it is - she walked the first twelve batters - yeah, alright, but then she settled down - she found the rhythm - her home run rhythm - what was that, six in a row ? - you should've pulled her, he told me I could pitch alright, Sharon you're over reacting - "Thank you for our first ever win", Flowers By Bruce - it was fun, you keep in touch well, look who made a friend alright, that's it, April's not pitching again since I am you got a problem with that, I'll kick your ass can I take these flowers? they're really brighten up my kitchen - what is with her? - what is with you? - what happened to mister "I hate to lose"? - he finally met pinball girl well, good for you, but that doesn't help me with the rest of the girls look, they want April out, Bunny, quite frankly was embarrassed - Bunny? the exotic pole dancer in right field was embarrassed - she's a champion pole dancer they retired her thong alright, you know what, forget it, April loves to pitch, and I want April to love me, end of story boys, I just got off the phone with that stuffed pepper Tessio made a little bet on saturday's game - how little? we're talking little right? - oh no, if we kick Tessio's butt he and his delivery boys and to stand in front of their own restaurant and pass out flyers for Beacon street Pizza - that doesn't sound so big - dressed as meat-balls and calzones - and so, uh, if we were to lose  - 16 and nothing, hey my boys aren't gonna lose, my boys are winners don't worry, I think you look good in anything there are three things I don't wear, sandals, turtle necks, and italian food look, just tell April she can play right field, Sharon will pitch and we'll move Bunny to second so she can be closer to me on first - hi coach, can I talk to you for a minute - he'll be right there - you're doing her a favor, she's humiliating herself out there - yeah I know you're right, but she looks so cute in her uniform just relax ok, take a deep breath, and I want you to picture you and me, dressed up as a number four combo hey coach - April - tough game today - yeah yeah, you know April  - Pete, you were so wonderful anyone else would have pulled me out of the game and stuck me in right field - yeah but you s  - but I know you have confidence in me so next game, I'm gonna prove you right - but I  - but I know it won't be easy, so we're gonna have to work together every night this week every night ? and after the game, we can celebrate at my parents house on the Cape they're in Europe so what were you gonna tell me? I  ice that arm - ah, that's better - lucky I'm a doctor, you had a big knot in your thigh - thanks - you know, I'm thinking of specializing, in exotic dance medicine - Berg - Bill, Bill! what're doing here? came to see my team kill Tessio's why the cheerleader's playing catch? those aren't the cheerleaders, that's the team you see, it's a co-et league yeah I know, but you only need two girls, you hide one in right field, and you bury the other as designated hitter oh, April, put a jacket on that pitching arm April, you're pitcher's name is April ?! - hi, I'm Bunny - right field - what're looking at? - a meat-ball and a calzone look at the size of the guys from Tessio's oh my God, those are the women! play ball go - start us off - at the middle - cute shoes - thanks okay, I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing you haven't told April she's not the pitcher - finally, our first hit - of the game look I'm telling, Berg, she's been working really hard all week, alright, it's only fair to let her start alright alright, these cheerleaders' got game - alright I'm up - wow wow, send in one of the girls - yo Madeline, grab a bat - hey Tessio, you don't know a strike zone from a calzone - I just made that up - really! yeah alright alright, I'm up but listen, if April starts sucking up a storm out there you're gonna pull here out and put in Sharon, we can't afford to lose this  game - okay, but if you excuse me, I have some runners to drive in - I think you're gonna have to take that up with the natural - alright April, a fire in there - ball three - hey Pete, what size meat-ball do you wear? - alright, time out, time out - I know, I know, I have to step towards the plate - no it's fine - my release point's off - no that's great losing my concentration I can't stop thinking about you and me at the Cape remember between the shoulders and the knees great job April, you're the best okay, she's gotta go - look, she's really looking forward to take me to the Cape - if you don't pull April out, right now, we're gonna lose - are you willing to sacrifice the team so that you can have sex? - yes I've gotta respect that - you do? - absolutely damn, I wish I could respect that look, this is all wrong, it's all wrong I can't do this to you, I can't do it to the team April, alright, ah  right field Bunny second base Sharo - up the rock - hey, wow wow wow - now listen, Tessio, he loves to crowd the play - not my play - third ball - well well well, look who's on the mount, thinker bell don't hurt your dusting arm - hey, you hit Tessio - he was crowding the play - you did that on purpose - come on - come on - yeah - wow wow wow, I can't hit you, you're a girl - there're all girls except those two - hey it was nice working with you - it's been a real pleasure yeah - eat at Tessio's best pizza in Boston - Pete, smile wait wait wait, my sauce is crooked - say "cheese" - bite me - man, Berg, Bill is never ever gonna forgive us for this - oh relax, he's got a healthy sense of humor I'm not even talking to you guys now how can you tell me, that genetic engineering could possibly benefit society? through out human history, we've been frightened by technological advancement - yet we've always adapted to it - he's right, it's not the technological advancement that we should fear but the misapplication of it by unstable minds
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salads - thanks Bill - Tessio is going down - are you like a compulsive liar or can you control it? - I didn't lie, I said 16 to nothing, I just didn't tell that we were the .
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nothing I can't believe we lost to .
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Flowers By Bruce - Sharon shake it off, alright, it was our first game, we'll get better - yeah, we shoot April in the head - well, you know, you know, it's so easy to blame April - actually Pete, it is - she walked the first twelve batters - yeah, alright, but then she settled down - she found the rhythm - her home run rhythm - what was that, six in a row ? - you should've pulled her, he told me I could pitch alright, Sharon you're over reacting - "Thank you for our first ever win", Flowers By Bruce - it was fun, you keep in touch well, look who made a friend alright, that's it, April's not pitching again since I am you got a problem with that, I'll kick your ass can I take these flowers? they're really brighten up my kitchen - what is with her? - what is with you? - what happened to mister "I hate to lose"? - he finally met pinball girl well, good for you, but that doesn't help me with the rest of the girls look, they want April out, Bunny, quite frankly was embarrassed - Bunny? the exotic pole dancer in right field was embarrassed - she's a champion pole dancer they retired her thong alright, you know what, forget it, April loves to pitch, and I want April to love me, end of story boys, I just got off the phone with that stuffed pepper Tessio made a little bet on saturday's game - how little? we're talking little right? - oh no, if we kick Tessio's butt he and his delivery boys and to stand in front of their own restaurant and pass out flyers for Beacon street Pizza - that doesn't sound so big - dressed as meat-balls and calzones - and so, uh, if we were to lose  - 16 and nothing, hey my boys aren't gonna lose, my boys are winners don't worry, I think you look good in anything there are three things I don't wear, sandals, turtle necks, and italian food look, just tell April she can play right field, Sharon will pitch and we'll move Bunny to second so she can be closer to me on first - hi coach, can I talk to you for a minute - he'll be right there - you're doing her a favor, she's humiliating herself out there - yeah I know you're right, but she looks so cute in her uniform just relax ok, take a deep breath, and I want you to picture you and me, dressed up as a number four combo hey coach - April - tough game today - yeah yeah, you know April  - Pete, you were so wonderful anyone else would have pulled me out of the game and stuck me in right field - yeah but you s  - but I know you have confidence in me so next game, I'm gonna prove you right - but I  - but I know it won't be easy, so we're gonna have to work together every night this week every night ? and after the game, we can celebrate at my parents house on the Cape they're in Europe so what were you gonna tell me? I  ice that arm - ah, that's better - lucky I'm a doctor, you had a big knot in your thigh - thanks - you know, I'm thinking of specializing, in exotic dance medicine - Berg - Bill, Bill! what're doing here? came to see my team kill Tessio's why the cheerleader's playing catch? those aren't the cheerleaders, that's the team you see, it's a co-et league yeah I know, but you only need two girls, you hide one in right field, and you bury the other as designated hitter oh, April, put a jacket on that pitching arm April, you're pitcher's name is April ?! - hi, I'm Bunny - right field - what're looking at? - a meat-ball and a calzone look at the size of the guys from Tessio's oh my God, those are the women! play ball go - start us off - at the middle - cute shoes - thanks okay, I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing you haven't told April she's not the pitcher - finally, our first hit - of the game look I'm telling, Berg, she's been working really hard all week, alright, it's only fair to let her start alright alright, these cheerleaders' got game - alright I'm up - wow wow, send in one of the girls - yo Madeline, grab a bat - hey Tessio, you don't know a strike zone from a calzone - I just made that up - really! yeah alright alright, I'm up but listen, if April starts sucking up a storm out there you're gonna pull here out and put in Sharon, we can't afford to lose this  game - okay, but if you excuse me, I have some runners to drive in - I think you're gonna have to take that up with the natural - alright April, a fire in there - ball three - hey Pete, what size meat-ball do you wear? - alright, time out, time out - I know, I know, I have to step towards the plate - no it's fine - my release point's off - no that's great losing my concentration I can't stop thinking about you and me at the Cape remember between the shoulders and the knees great job April, you're the best okay, she's gotta go - look, she's really looking forward to take me to the Cape - if you don't pull April out, right now, we're gonna lose - are you willing to sacrifice the team so that you can have sex? - yes I've gotta respect that - you do? - absolutely damn, I wish I could respect that look, this is all wrong, it's all wrong I can't do this to you, I can't do it to the team April, alright, ah  right field Bunny second base Sharo - up the rock - hey, wow wow wow - now listen, Tessio, he loves to crowd the play - not my play - third ball - well well well, look who's on the mount, thinker bell don't hurt your dusting arm - hey, you hit Tessio - he was crowding the play - you did that on purpose - come on - come on - yeah - wow wow wow, I can't hit you, you're a girl - there're all girls except those two - hey it was nice working with you - it's been a real pleasure yeah - eat at Tessio's best pizza in Boston - Pete, smile wait wait wait, my sauce is crooked - say "cheese" - bite me - man, Berg, Bill is never ever gonna forgive us for this - oh relax, he's got a healthy sense of humor I'm not even talking to you guys now how can you tell me, that genetic engineering could possibly benefit society? through out human history, we've been frightened by technological advancement - yet we've always adapted to it - he's right, it's not the technological advancement that we should fear but the misapplication of it by unstable minds