Ugly Americans (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

See you in hell, mortal scum.
You know that time when you've just moved to the city and you take the first apartment you find on craigslist with some dude you never expected? That's where my story begins.
The door was unlocked.
Oh, my God! You're still banging that demon chick? I thought someone was getting murdered in here last night.
Yeah, yeah, Callie has some hostility issues.
Oh, you think? My friend ray chewed off a guy's ball-bag once, And that whole process was less noisy.
Would you mind unhinging the bedposts, please? I can get somebody out there Friday between 9:00 and 9:00.
Can you narrow that time frame a little? Buddy, I got zombies putting arms through doors all over Manhattan.
Take it or leave it.
Friday? What part of "Friday is African dance class" do you not get? Randall and I were in the same boat as far as women went.
He'd "gone zombie" a few months back for all the wrong reasons.
I really like you, But I kind of only date zombies, so Sorry, I'm just really into warlocks now.
Never make life decisions with a hard-on And a fifth of tequila.
Crap! What do you got going on today? Thought I'd stare blankly ahead with cold, dead eyes for a while, how I do.
Maybe check out Kung Fu Panda.
Oh, by the way, This thing that you got going with Callie, It's none of my business.
But? It's just that I wouldn't touch her with my [bleep.]
, and it's dead, so You have a little Milk? Little bit of milk probably? No, skin.
Did I get it? Yeah, you're good.
He was right, of course.
Sleeping with the boss, never a great idea.
In my defense, she's hot, And our parts match up.
That's rarer than you'd think in this city.
Things are pretty hairy in Soho with continued congestion due to the yeti convention.
Avoid midtown as well, Which is still backed up from a land-whale collision Earlier this morning.
Land-whales, they can't drive.
You know, my sister married one of them blowholes last year.
Now every thanksgiving, We have to spend with his blood clot rats.
Last night was an enormous mistake, Mark.
Expect no special treatment Just because you've seen my cooch.
And a good morning to you too.
Callie, who are you talking to about your cooch? I said "scooch".
Tape.
Scooch tape, sir.
It's maintenance.
Get me my scooch tape, Maggot! Granted, not the most nurturing relationship, But the way I figure, If you like it normal, why bother coming to new york? Hey, buddy, maybe a diaper here? Suck my balls.
Hey, I hear that's good luck.
Okay, people, eyes up front.
Not you, three eyes.
We've all heard about cutbacks.
Here's how it breaks down.
We're going to borrow just a tad from social services In order to fully fund law enforcement.
Where is the other bar? I know.
It's really hard to make that visible.
The you are.
Questions? - Do I still have a job? - No.
Other questions? Good.
Then, lieutenant Grimes, Round up 20 illegal immigrants by day's end, And our office wins a bonus ham.
Illegals are the disease, And I'm the cure, sir.
Um, excuse me.
But aren't quota systems illegal? Who is he again? Mark Lilly, sir, from social services, Our token bleeding heart.
Don't want to make waves here.
I just thought we were supposed to be helping new citizens assimilate, not treating them like criminals.
No.
I'm mock clapping.
- As am I.
- No, you aren't.
You're going for that slow, building applause thing, Like all those '80s movies.
There's virtually no difference in our claps.
Stop clapping, both of you.
You rubber-stamp immigrants into the workforce.
Grimes sends them back where they came from.
Did I miss something? No, sir.
Sound logic.
Do you know what makes me sick? Prius drivers? No, I applaud the prius and all low-emission vehicles.
The environment affects all of us.
What makes me sick is him, Getting all gay with the immigrants.
What did they ever do to you, anyway? You see that? No, you don't.
Lost it in a rastillian riot.
No kneecap.
Why, thanks ever so much, Mr.
Werewolf.
My foreskin was bitten off by a creature, and I don't even know what it was.
I've lost five partners and a wife, the only friend I've ever known, to these things.
And I hate mexican food.
Even chalupas? Wait! That's mexican? I love those! What do I hate, then? Armenians, that's it! Okay, guys, yeah, Top brass has slashed our budget and left us to rot, but I say we get out there and we prove them wrong.
Mark, they've all been laid off.
You were supposed to get their security passes.
So carry what I just sad To your new places of employment.
That was totally audible, Garrison.
Sucks being you, huh, choirboy? Excellent debasing, Callie.
Now finish it.
Yeah.
That's how I like it.
Pissing where you mix the potions? Pretty much.
Been there.
Good times.
Look at all these files.
I am totally screwed.
We'll split them, okay? Straight down the middle.
You're the best, Leonard.
Go make me proud, kiddo.
Abracadabra.
So I thought it might be helpful if we share our problems and questions in a group setting from now on.
I heard you were slapping us together Just to save time.
It's not true.
Of course it's true.
The great brain knows all.
He heard you in men's room.
He's in there all day.
You don't know me.
No, he's right.
The department has been slashed.
But I can still provide you With what you need to become U.
S.
citizens.
Uh, yes, Lefty? Martin.
Sorry.
Still learning the names here.
We keep getting counted as two people.
Clearly one entity.
I'm marking it in your file.
Yeah, related question.
Are there any double-ass toilets in Manhattan? I know for a fact Wendy's midtown is double-ass accessible.
I'll get you the comprehensive list after class.
- Righteous.
- Oh, tubular.
Yes, Marguerette? I wish to make anger toward the robots Oh, here we go! For taking our legal jobs.
In my country, we call them the toilet bowl, For this is the place we relieve ourselves of waste.
I take issue with that.
Don't forget to take tissue with that, toilet.
Oh, snap, she served your ass.
Robots are not the enemy here, okay, people? And, whatever you are in the back, we have more in common than not.
- Mr.
Lilly, a word.
- Okay.
The state department requires me to pay you all a visit at your new job, - so I will see you this afternoon.
- I hear he's schtupping the boss.
The innocent ones always have a taste for danger.
Stop being such a boy scout and process the numbers.
Twayne is ready to fire you as it is.
I thought you didn't want to do this anymore.
Why? Because I said so? Oh, Mark, so innocent! I just want to And drag you through the bowels of hell.
What's wrong? - The demon voice? - No, no, just Just takes a little getting used to.
But we're still on for hell tonight, right? Because I'm gonna do things to you down there That will rock your world.
In hell.
Oh, right! Sure.
Sounds like a kick.
Why don't you kids get a room? Ever heard of knocking? How would you propose that I knock, exactly? Oh, I know! I'll just knock with my spongy brain lining.
That ought to make quite a racket.
Here, listen! Ah, well, that's a mood killer.
All right, if they're on the fence, push them over.
If they ain't illegal, bend some thumbs.
See what happens.
We need 20 scumbags by the end of today.
Oh, one more thing! I love you guys.
I wish I could believe that! - Where's he going? - Said he's going to collect some garbage.
Oh, I'm just getting that now.
An army to put them away.
Two of us to save their lives.
Just one, actually.
I've got my kid's soccer practice.
- I told you that.
- Leonard, you don't have kids.
Oh, no? Then who are these? Satchel plays violin.
Phoebe's taking up tennis.
You want me to conjure up some home movies? I could do this all day.
Fine, I'll go it alone.
Got to admit.
The kid's got grit.
He's gonna get eaten alive out there.
What did I just say? Did I call that or what? When you're right, you're right.
Release him, Burt! The powers of the hidden realm demand it.
Now you know how it feels to be chewed up and spit out by the system, man.
Okay.
I am gonna need a fast change of clothes here.
One at a time here.
I only have two heads.
Deep breaths, Martin.
You're doing great.
- Grande.
- Where are the lids? - Vanilla chai.
- Soy latte.
Venti is large.
Gingerbread lattes are seasonal.
Now, that's what I call fried chicken.
Barbecue's ready.
Is new U.
S.
citizen, just like me.
Who's a U.
S.
citizen? You are.
Why he pinch baby's vagina? - Is not cool, Mark.
- You want relish with this? I want information with this, Tiko.
And, yes, relish would be nice.
Maybe if I had some motivation, I'd remember something.
Fine.
Don't push your luck.
I'm not made of q-tips.
All right, major squid infestation, chelsea piers.
I got my ears to the ground, bro.
I'll be the judge of that.
No, I mean literally.
Things crawl in there all the time.
It's a problem.
Man, back home, I was part of a vastly intelligent superorganism In charge of the continuation of our species.
I thought you were from Toronto.
That's right.
Canadians are way more advanced.
We invented bacon.
I'm not sure that's accurate.
Don't scratch the counters.
Are you gonna talk, or are you gonna keep sucking air? Airboarding is illegal.
I got all turned around.
It's that underground sonar equipment they're using now.
Right.
It's always big oil's fault.
- How many do we have? - I think 20.
But he has at least three mollusks attached, so I don't know if that counts.
What is this? Billy? Do you have your papers? All right, hands off! That is a U.
S.
citizen.
I know they all look the same to you, Grimes.
I happen to have been at this squid's bar mitzvah.
L'chaim.
Little boys better be careful, not to get dumped in the river themselves.
I don't scare that easily, Grimes.
- Hello? - Mark? Mark, it's Randall.
- I'm in big trouble, buddy.
I need your help.
- Slow down, pal.
Where are you? Please hurry! Okay, look, I'm on my way.
Just stay calm! Which one looks better, clefted or classic? I'm leaning classic right now, because, like, clefted looks like a dude's ass, doesn't it? You called me down here for this? Hey, it's either you or this chick behind the counter that keeps yelling at me.
You can't take those out of the box before purchase.
Besides, you're the one at has to look at this all day, not me.
I don't have time for this.
I'll take that as a vote for classic.
Chin cleanup, aisle two.
I'm proud to say my case files are all checking out.
You can tell twayne I'm really making a difference out here.
I'm marching into his office as we speak.
Mr.
Lilly? I don't think I belong here.
You're doing great down there, Tyler.
Look at that squeegee form.
You're a natural.
What's his password? I believe it's "honeyfrog".
All lowercase.
Gay password.
Oh, we're in.
Wait, did you just give someone my password? No worries! Callie wanted to rifle through your computer files for troubled cases.
It's fine.
That is so not fine, Leonard.
Mark, I'm a wizard, not a mind reader.
Try "Tyler Mason".
"Tyler Mason".
Lieutenant Grimes, I think we may have found your 20th.
Sit tight, chalupa.
Daddy will be right back.
Oh, man, that's hot.
She tapped into my computer wcan you believe that? She's the spawn of satan.
What do you expect? Dude, you really are demon whipped.
I know.
I'm going to hell as we speak.
I might lose you, by the way.
Unbelievable.
I'm getting ready for tonight's flaplap, and you're still dicking around with this? I can't believe you're complaining while sitting in a day spa.
Man, I would kill for your life.
Yeah, just got a new chin, and now they're doing the legs.
Got to stay fresh for e ladies, right? Wow, four bars.
You still there? Yeah.
Look, she promised you, like, the hottest sex of your life, right? In so many words.
So go deep, at least.
Hit all the walls.
You know what I'm sayin'? Not really, no.
Well, she will.
Trust me.
Okay, we're done here.
Hold on! What about the other leg? The ad said 200 dollars for a leg graft.
Each leg.
Fine, just do it! This place is a total rip-off.
You know what? Can I get that in a doggie bag? Uh, Callie, I would like to Do the deepness with you.
He's saying that he wants to hit all the walls.
Daddy, this is Mark.
I want to throw up.
Sir, your table is ready.
Is this your fourth? Let's get this over with.
And we have an unbaptized baby arm soup With a playful raspberry coulis.
I'm going with the breadsticks.
Those are also baby arms.
I'll take another lap over here.
So, Callie, how's population control coming? The master plan is being implemented gradually.
Twayne, of course, would prefer to vaporize the lot of them.
Hah, then Brooke and I'd never get a table in here.
Aw, that Twayne! Now, there is a demon you should get in bed with.
- Daddy! - It's true.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with showing a little compassion.
Crash! Right on, brother.
Who let this ass[bleep.]
in here? You're aware that you're in hell, yes? Jackson, I didn't know you were dead! Excuse us, please.
Nice choice on the latest wife, daddy.
Can't wait to meet the next one.
You didn't tell me that your father was going to be here.
What is this? He really hates your guts.
I'm so hot for you right now.
There's that face again.
Am I repulsive to you? No, it's just Look, my students trust me, and your rummaging through their lives, it's unprofessional.
Unprofessional? You placed a zombie at the mbd as a window washer.
Yes, Tyler Mason.
First job as an undead american.
It was a great moment.
Do you even know what mbd stands for? Manhattan building of No.
So you're a zombie.
So let's quit? So let's just eat brains now? Come on, man, you're bigger than this.
Brains.
Slap! Stop it.
This is all about your dad.
I hate him so much! What is with you guys and the door splintering? I don't know.
Look, just put the brains down, And we'll walk out of here, you and me.
Yeah, come on, man.
Let's hug it out.
- He's going for the brains.
- Take him out.
Oh, great! The ladies are gonna love this.
Hold your fire.
We're comin' out.
And that makes 20, my new favorite number.
Favorite number, 20.
Great work, Mr.
Lilly.
But I totally screwed up.
Exactly, your incompetence allowed Grimes to fill our quota.
And now we feast.
Ah, ham, nature's candy.
I think you saved one tonight.
My fault he was there in the first place.
You've got to detach yourself from the process.
I mean, look at me.
I'm not even here right now.
Oh, wait! Then where are you? I'm just putting out a few fires.
The work never stops, does it? - Keep your chin up.
- You're right.
I should be more positive.
Good.
Now mash those breasts together.
Wait.
What? Oh, I thought you were talking to me.
You're a naughty, naughty girl, aren't you? Maybe turn your hologram off or I don't know how that works.
That t-shirt is dripping wet.
I'm gonna go.
Shake it off, brah.
The night is young, And this joint is crawling with cilf.
Check out fun bags on your six.
Um, wait! One more time? I said a vodka tonic and a long straw, please.
Can you believe this? My skin's falling off like osso buco, and she's all over me.
You want to nail her with me? It is literally anything that moves with you, isn't it? What are you, still on Callie? Dude, you hopped off that meat bus 12 hours ago.
Be in the now.
Get Out.
All right, fine, more face 'Gina for me, then.
That was a major screw-up, Lilly.
I know.
Poor Tyler.
I need to read the manual way more carefully Or at all, actually.
I meant picking up girls The night after we sleep together.
You're lucky I don't turn your [bleep.]
into a bag of marshmallows right now! I'd like to see that, actually.
Look, Callie, I'm flattered and terrified and all that.
I just don't think this is working out.
I'm a social worker.
You eat souls for fun.
We couldn't be a worse match if we tried.
Frankly, I live in constant fear that you're gonna murder me.
You always know just what to say.
So that's pretty much life in the big apple: Overworked and underpaid, Looking for love in all the wrong places, And, more times than not, Working for a total douche nozzle.
Must be why everyone keeps coming here.
A little help.
You got a filthy mouth, you know that?