Uncle (2013) s03e05 Episode Script

1 - Southbridge Comprehensive.
How can I help? - Hello.
This is Herbert Jones, and I work for the Bone Marrow Registry of England and Wales.
I am trying to get in contact with one of your former teachers, a Miss Melodie Thomas.
It seems that she may be a potential match for one of our patients.
Sorry, we can't give out any personal information.
Oh.
Well, that's fine.
I'm sure our patient will understand when they're dead! (HE TAPS ON KEYBOARD) What do you think would be a nice present for your mum when she finishes radiotherapy? Hello? Veronica just asked you a que Would you mind not using that at the breakfast table? Actually, I would.
I've found an amazing deal for my Euro trip.
And it's going to be gone in a couple of minutes unless we act now.
What Euro trip? The one for my 16th birthday.
I've found a package that takes me to Barcelona, Rome, Athens, Istanbul, Munich and Stockholm, home of the world's largest Ikea.
And it's only £2,500.
- Can I use your credit card? I already know the number.
- Definitely not.
What 16-year-old goes alone on a trip round Europe? Malala won a Nobel prize when she was 16.
It was the Peace Prize.
They give that to anyone.
If you don't want me to go alone, I can always just ask Murray Thomas.
His crippling sleep apnoea has nearly cleared up now.
You get straight As in your GCSEs, then we'll talk.
That's not fair.
I'm bored of formal education.
I'm trying to enrich myself.
If you feel that strongly about it, you're old enough to get a job and pay for the trip yourself.
A job? You want me to get a job? Me? A rebel thinker? Hands of a Victorian lady? Do I look like I'm built for hard labour? I'm not ordering you down the mines.
What century are you living in? Why don't you just blog for money or something? Ha! You think writing pays money? What century are you living in? How do you know my credit card number? - Jesus, Andy! - What? You're just peeing.
This had better be good.
I was about to break my Wordament high score.
I can't decide which guitar to use for the song that I'm writing.
Have you ever heard of Old Black? Don't tell me that's what you call Bruce's penis.
No, that's Will Smith II.
No, I'm talking about Neil Young's guitar.
- What do you know about Neil Young's? - The TV was stuck on BBC Four one night.
Neil's had Old Black for, like, 40 years, even though she weighs a ton and gives him back pain.
Now, why would Neil put up with that when he could buy any guitar in the world? Will Smith II? Seriously? It's because he's dedicated to her, for better or worse.
That is why Neil's the kind of guy he is.
He puts in the hours to make the relationship work.
Can you see me settling down and getting married? We learn how to form healthy relationships from our parents.
That's a yes.
You're screwed.
Now, get out.
Hang on, are you hiding in here? No, I'm just enjoying my last moments of peace before Mum and Dad arrive from Spain tonight.
- What are you stressed about? They're not that bad.
- Oh, really, says the golden child? Meanwhile, I'm the one that has to smile while Mum criticises my hair and goes on about homoeopathic cures, and Dad boasts about his five seconds as a folk singer.
And, yes, I've stocked up on booze, and, no, I haven't had any, and, no, I'm not going to tell you where it is.
- You're no fun.
- I know, but someone's got to be the adult in this family.
(DOORBELL) Oh! God, they're early! Get out.
Go.
Shit.
Ah! Look who's here.
It's my rock star.
Can you spare a kiss for your number-one fan? Or you can sign my tits if you prefer.
Why do I have to choose? What do you think of my tan, eh? It's nice.
Full coverage.
Yeah.
The neighbours enjoyed the full view, didn't they, Jane? Look at that face.
If I had a mug like that, I'd never leave the house.
I'd just stand naked in the mirror, loving myself all day.
Loving yourself has never really been your problem, has it, Neville? (NEVILLE CHUCKLES) Oh! And here's my cancer warrior.
Honk-honk! Hello, girls! They're looking perky.
Yeah, well, the radiation therapy can cause Radiation! You only had stage two.
Why are you bothering with that rubbish? It'll just give you more cancer down the line.
- Says the woman who smokes unfiltered cigarettes.
- I offset it with homoeopathy.
Speaking of, I've brought you some fluoride-of-lime tablets.
I promise, you don't need any more of this radioactive mess.
- It's just the medical industry trying to make money out of you.
- (SARCASTICALLY) Great.
- Now, what's going on with your roots? - So, you guys are early.
Your mother thought we should surprise you.
So Surprise! And Brian's been looking after us lovely.
He pours a mean Baileys.
- Mum, it's Bruce.
- Brian's cool, though.
(HIGH-PITCHED) "I'm not the Messiah.
I've been a very naughty boy!" Monty Python.
Bruce, did you know that I once opened for Billy Bragg? - Oh, hello there.
- Someone call the police there's an illegally handsome young man on the premises.
And Errol! When did you get so big? Oh, if I was 30 years younger Jesus, Mum, he's your grandson.
Oh, you're so uptight, Sammy.
Now, let's have a look at this tattoo.
Don't worry, when you get a bit older you can change it to something cool.
Like "samurai".
Ooh, I bought you a pressie.
Thank you.
- I thought you were coming later.
- We couldn't wait to give everyone the big news.
We're getting divorced.
Could I get a top-up, Brian? Divorced?! Oh, do you know what this means? Yeah one of them's going to be sleeping in Tiff's room, one of them's going to be sleeping in my room.
I can't sleep in your Petri dish of a flat.
No.
If they're getting divorced, what chance do I have of being in a healthy relationship? They're literally my only role models.
Relax.
Divorce is a gift.
Two parents fighting for attention, two bedrooms, two birthdays, two Christmases, twice the guilt.
I'm an expert on divorce.
I can teach you to get whatever you want.
I want my mum and dad to stay married, and I'm going to keep them together, and if I can do that, then I can make any relationship work.
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I remember when my folks split up.
Same week Ginger left the Spice Girls.
- Dark times.
- I don't care about them divorcing.
- They should have done that years ago.
- Then what is it? I thought that being sick would change things with Mum.
But Andy's always going to be the Jake to my Maggie.
- What? - Maggie Gyllenhaal.
She's older and cooler but Jake gets all the attention because he's a boy.
But she killed it in Secretary.
I know! Argh! Just forget it.
I'm a therapist, I'm not going to fall into any old traps.
- That's my Sam.
- But it's not fair! I'm the one with cancer! They should baby me at least a little bit.
And that passive-aggressive shit with Mum calling you Brian! - She never would have done that with Ben! - I know.
Don't worry.
I'll set her straight.
- Brian, where's the bottle opener? - Top drawer, next to the fridge.
We should get a lock on the door.
I can't have more idiots barging in and saying stupid shit.
I'm stopping Mum and Dad from getting a divorce! Who's with me? I don't get it.
What is the point in a divorce stag do? Simple reverse psychology.
Once we remind Dad how shit it is being single, he'll run straight back to Mum.
While you're throwing away the gift of a lifetime, I'll be twisting Dad and Bruce to my will.
Go, divorce! Yeah, Dad, nothing says recently single like slippery wood and heavy balls.
Don't worry, old-timer! We'll get through this together.
You don't have to cheer me up, son.
We're not cheering you up.
We're celebrating your new life.
Being single is my second-greatest achievement next to the time I came this close to touching a tit with my tongue.
- Can I smell whisky? - Ben, get over here, you useless Tory twat! I missed you, too, you big lefty drunk! Hey, where's my hug, you socialist alky? (SARCASTICALLY) Classic bants there, Bruce.
The fun's already begun.
Mum who? Am I right? Oh.
Oooh.
Get off.
- Get Oh! - Psycho? No Er Ooh.
Ooh.
Naughty.
Get away.
Fifty Shades Of Grey? Rarrrr! - The Revenant? - Yes! Ben's new wife's energetic.
Oh, we're not married, but we have been engaged for almost two years.
All right, Tiff, you're up next.
- Who's Tiff? - Me.
I'm Bruce's ex-stepdaughter.
- Who's Bruce? - Brian's ex-stepdaughter.
Oh, well, why didn't you say so? - What time does the stripper get here? - I keep saying, there is no stripper.
Andy would have got me a stripper.
Well, Andy's not here, and tonight is about sisterhood.
We don't need a man to validate us.
We are celebrating singledom and girl power.
Who needs men, right? This soon-to-be divorcee who hasn't been on the market for 39 years, that's who.
Come on, Jane, you just need some charades in your life.
I'll give it a pass, thanks.
Sounds like somebody's afraid of losing.
I love losing.
I lost my virginity twice.
- Once in the V-hole and once in the A - Another drink coming right up.
I got it.
A-hole.
You're going to love being single.
Goodbye, putting down the toilet seat.
Goodbye, sharing the bed.
Hello, online dating.
We're going to have you swiping right faster than you can say, "Meaningless shag for one, please.
" Nothing beats the thrill of playing Russian roulette with your penis.
You know, the over-50s have the fastest-growing rate of STDs.
Interesting.
Actually, Jane never took up much room in bed.
And with my knees, I prefer to piss sitting down.
And I was never one for meaningless sex.
I guess I'm just a bit old-fashioned.
Divorce is bad, but online dating's the worst.
- What happened, anyway? - We just grew apart.
- Is it too late to fix it? - Why would he want to fix it? You're taking this much better than I thought.
Your mum had this mad idea you'd have a meltdown and make it about you.
(BOTH LAUGH) I just want to see my old man happy.
And once you get over the soul-crushing loneliness of bachelorhood, it's all guns and roses.
You're now free to go wherever you like.
Unlike me.
- Dad thinks I'm too young to see Europe.
- I didn't say that.
That's a bit harsh.
I wish I'd travelled more when I was young.
I used to get nosebleeds just going north of Waterloo.
See? Bruce gets it.
Anyway, back to Dad's great new life We can go out on double dates.
Father and son on the pull.
If that doesn't get you running back to Jane, I don't know what will.
Hmm.
(SHE EXHALES) Penny for your thoughts? Oh, why can't she just be a normal mother? I know exactly what you mean.
For my 18th birthday, Mummy bought me a Porsche when all I wanted was a Range Rover.
- I never should have agreed to this.
- Agreed to what? Andy wanted me to throw Mum a divorce hen do but make it extra boring so she'd go running back to Dad, which is the dumbest idea ever, but I thought it would be a chance for us to bond.
It's fine.
I'm a therapist.
I know that looking to other people for self-worth is a losing battle.
Wait, did you invite me because I'm boring? No.
(SHE EXHALES) Look, if you want to show Andy who's boss, you should give her exactly what she wants.
If she wants men, make it rain men.
- Hello, boys! - Val! Andy's warned me who everyone is.
Roly I know.
You must be Ben, the prick ex-brother-in-law.
Andy's only calling me a prick? Someone's losing their edge.
And you must be sweet, gullible Bruce.
I can't believe you said I was gullible.
- He didn't.
- I see what you did there.
And who's this big old grizzly bear? I'm Neville, Andy's dad.
He failed to mention you, my dear.
Some things speak for themselves.
I'm Val.
Your son dated my daughter for a brief, horrific time.
- Hey, it wasn't brief.
- That's not what she said.
- Errol! - Nice one.
- Dad, Val here is divorced.
- Oh.
There's nobody better to tell you about the long painful road back to happiness.
"Don't listen to your children" is rule number one.
- Nice ball bag.
- Takes one to know one.
- (PULSATING MUSIC) - You wanted men Voila.
Is it OK us being here? My best friend Craig says it's quite annoying when hen dos rock up at gay clubs.
Yeah, it's like I said I was hungry and you brought me waxed fruit.
- Oh, my God, Sam.
- Gwen, hi.
- Hi.
This is Veronica, Tiffany and my mum, Jane.
Holy shit.
You're Andy's mum.
I always thought he was an orphan.
- Why would you think that? - He never spoke about his parents.
Anyway, welcome to Sober Saturday.
- Sober Saturday? - A once-a-year event.
All money goes to AA, and Casper makes a mean Virgin Mary.
Yum! So, Andy never mentioned our parents? Actually, I'm getting a headache.
Maybe we should go? - Oh, no, no, no, stay, please.
- Yeah, let's stay.
Gwen can tell us all her best Andy stories.
That shouldn't take long.
Who is ready to see what a real strike looks like? Well, you've already shown us a knockout.
Dad you realise Val's a man? Expand your mind, son.
Val is a sexual being.
I don't care which side of the pommel horse they land on as long as somebody's getting pommelled.
It's my round.
Come and help, Roly.
A trip to the bar.
It's no trip around Europe, but it's a start.
You're on a streak tonight, Roly.
- What are you playing at? - Er, it's called bowling.
I'm talking about Roly's trip.
- Keep out.
- Why? Never hurts to broaden your horizons.
You know, I was going to give him 500 for a new laptop, but if he wants to spend it on a trip, I'm cool with that.
I'm warning you, do not give him that money.
It's my money.
I can do what I like.
Bruce, I was starting to like you.
Shut the fuck up, Ben.
What? Big Lebowski.
You know.
"Shut the fuck up, Donny.
" I'm going to see if they need a hand at the bar.
Oh, oh, oh, strike! And that is how it's done.
Stop flirting with my dad.
I brought you here so you could show him how shit divorce is, not slink around like Jessica Rabbit.
Trust me, if I was flirting you'd know about it.
Oh, and FYI, I'm more of a Cruella de Vil kind of girl.
Just leave him alone.
I'm trying to save my parents' marriage.
Oh, I get it.
It's the guy in heels who's always the home-wrecker.
- Look, that's not what - If you want to see flirting, I'll show you flirting.
Who wants a Slippery Nipple? I've got two right here.
(GWEN) Anyway, Andy starts texting, begging me for a date.
I say no, until eventually he sends me pictures of his pejazzled dong spelling, "You likey?" I wasn't impressed.
But I was horny.
And the rest, as they say, is internet history.
- What's "pejazzled"? - It's where you diamante your d Did you hear that, Mum? Sounds like your precious Andy is a little bit of a sex pest.
Andy's just artistic.
Lord knows he didn't get it from me.
Creativity skips the women in this family.
Wow, Ben just took me to a Yo! Sushi for our first date.
Really? He took Sam to a concert in Paris on theirs.
Oh, yeah, but it was Muse, so it doesn't count.
Wonder what the boys are up to.
I bet Andy's teaching them some hilarious drinking games.
- Mum, you do know that Andy is sober now? - Aww.
That's so brave of him.
You never said it was brave when I went clean.
Cos you take after my side and the Abbotts never stay clean long.
I mean, look at your Uncle Frank, God rest his rotten soul.
There's no shame, but you mark my words, you're not done.
Caught her snorting sherbet when she was five.
Ooh, off to powder her nose! I need to get Val out of here.
He's putting such a smile on Grandad's face.
It's not his face I'm worried about.
Also, stop messing your dad and Bruce about.
You're jealous that I know how to play the divorce game.
Behold the puppet master.
I am Geppetto.
Trust me, you're Pinocchio all day.
Now, help me get rid of Val or I'm telling your dad and Bruce.
Like they'd ever believe you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I have a cunning plan.
Sam, are you all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just all the cologne making my eyes water.
Bloody Jean Paul Gaultier.
Come here.
Everybody out! - Seriously, what's up? - Oh, it's just my mother is a monster! - What's going on? - Sam wants to kill her mum.
She thinks that Andy's the best thing since boxed wine.
I know the feeling.
The only reason Dad put me in charge tonight is cos it's Sober Saturday and he knew it would be dead.
Mummy made me ride a pony until I was 16, even though I was clearly ready for a full-size horse at 12.
(PHONE BUZZES) What do you want? Who says I want anything? Can't a guy just call his favourite gal pal? - I'm hanging up now.
- No, wait.
I need a favour.
Can you call Val and say there's a problem down the club and he needs to come back immediately? On the first night my dad's ever left me fully in charge you want me to tell him I can't take the heat just so I can help YOU get out of a stupid situation you got yourself into? - I knew you'd understand.
- I'll do it, if you tell your mum she needs to treat Sam better and that you're a shit son.
Fine.
Wait, how do you know I've got a mum? (PRETENDING TO SNEEZE) Wanker! (NEVILLE CHUCKLES) You're just in time to see me pound the pins.
I'll give you a hand with your stroke.
Come here.
Sorry, mate.
Hope my sneeze didn't throw you off.
No worries.
Hey, Roly, I'm going to pay for your trip.
The whole shebang.
- Really? - No.
No.
I'll I'll pay for it.
I have an idea.
Roly, why don't you pick who you want to pay for it? - (PHONE RINGS) - Oh.
Hello.
- (SARCASTICALLY) Well, this shouldn't be a contest.
- Roly? Oh, it's my go.
Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there.
Got to go, guys.
Security issue at Cox.
(SARCASTICALLY) That's a shame.
- We could come with you.
- I'm sure Val probably needs to deal with this alone.
I'm with Grandad.
It wouldn't be a proper divorce stag do if we all split up, would it? - Just let her know how you feel.
- Yeah, we've got your back, Sam.
All right, here goes nothing.
Oh, hell, no! Oh, hey, babe.
Look, I've found the only straight one.
I'm giving him a little reiki.
You get your hands off my boyfriend! Calm down, babe.
I'm just being friendly for tips.
I bet your tip's plenty friendly.
Babe, she's Andy's mum! Urgh, what?! Urgh! I thought Andy was an orphan.
Why do people keep saying that? - Mum, there's something I need to say.
- (VAL) What's going on? Oh, yeah, ooh Andy made me lie to get you here.
Now I've done my part of the deal, I think he has something to say to you, Jane.
(ANDY) Er The The thing that I wanted to say is that um Errol has been playing Bruce and Ben off like mugs to get them to pay for his Euro trip.
N-No - No.
Does does that sound like me? - Pretty much, yeah.
Well, Mum and Andy are doing the world's shittest Parent Trap.
- Liar! - Bruce, I told you not to get involved.
He's not your kid.
Ben, we're all co-parenting here.
And why didn't you take me to Paris on our first date? Have you got cold feet? What? Can we talk about this later? I can't believe you're Andy's mum.
I always thought he was a If you say "orphan" I swear I'll shank you, lady.
- Don't you talk to Val like that, or - Or what? You haven't got the guts to follow through.
You know who's got a lovely follow-through? Roger Federer.
How's this for follow-through? Oh, yeah? Argh! Can everyone just stop before my eyes start bleeding?! After all I did for you Gave you 39 years, got you off the street, gave up my singing career for you, and now you're leaving me? Career?! You've played to picket lines and working men's clubs for pork scratchings.
You were never a real folk singer, you disco lover! I gave up my childhood to be your wife.
So it was my fault I was the only guy on the estate stand-up enough to marry the pregnant teenager? Didn't even know if it was mine.
Still don't! And by "it", do you mean me? Let's face it, you hardly look like your brother, and you don't look a thing like me.
Sam, it's not true.
We've got the same eyes and roots.
So that's why you treat me like shit? Because I'm the mistake? Me? Do you think it was easy growing up with parents like you? Always screaming and drinking and dumping us on mental relatives and leaving us alone for days? Can you blame me? You were like raising that girl from The Exorcist.
You make Cersei Lannister look like Mary Berry! It's a miracle that I've done anything with my life.
OK, I had a little addiction problem back there, but look at my role models.
But still, I had a son, I got my master's, I am fighting cancer, and I nearly died on an operating table, but you still favour Andy! The single 30-something musician who lives in my fucking basement! Garden flat.
You've always treated me like the fuck-up, but it's him, Mum, it's always been him.
He's just like you.
Oh Shit! (BRUCE) Sam I think we should go home.
- You stay out of this, Brian.
- It's Bruce, Mum! It's fucking Bruce! And I'm Maggie Gyllenhaal! And you don't deserve Maggie.
So you get Jake.
Right How about a round of shots on the house? - But it's Sober Saturday.
- We've had a report of an incident.
Finally! Something that can get my mind off this palaver.
Let's see what you're working with, hot stuff.
(DOOR CLANGS, KEYS JANGLE) Can you give us a minute? (DOOR SLAMS) Mum, there's some things some things that I said, I didn't mean Don't worry.
Already forgotten.
- Mum.
- I mean it.
I'm fine.
You've got a mouth on you.
You get it from me.
There's that look.
- What look? - You know.
The look that sees right through me.
You're right.
I'm a shit mum.
I was a child when I had you and I I never caught up.
And you had much higher parenting expectations than Andy.
I only shower him with attention cos he always acts so helpless.
He's like a rescue dog.
Happy to be fed and have his balls within reach.
I'd like to say I can change, but I don't think I can.
I don't have your strength.
I'm not expecting you to change.
I just I just want to know that you care.
You think I don't care about your cancer? Your dad will tell you, it's destroying me.
I'm the one who should be sick.
Jesus, I smoke while I'm on the sunbed! I'm proud of you.
I love you to death.
Maybe not the best choice of words for a cancer patient.
But thanks.
So who is my father? It's Neville.
Probably.
Well, I hope it is.
Cos the other options ain't good.
Dad, Bruce, I'm sorry for the way I behaved.
After the divorce, I realised everyone just wanted to keep me happy, so I took advantage of that.
And now I'm ready for my punishment.
What do you think, Bruce? Oh, you could clean Andy's flat.
- Ha-ha, funny one, Veronica! - Actually, that's a great idea.
No.
Please.
Anything but that.
Dad, does that sound fair to you? I'm doing it again, aren't I? Sorry I kissed you, Val.
It's OK.
It was worth it just for the look on Andy's face.
But if you ever try that again without my consent, I will cut your prostate out with a rusty tin lid.
You get sexier by the minute.
How am I ever supposed to make a relationship work if I can't even keep my own family together? Oh, shut up.
- Why are you smiling? - Every time you tell me to shut up it means you're just about to lay down some serious wisdom on me and fix everything.
I'm not your fairy godmother, Andy.
You're a big boy.
Fix your own life.
Fix my own life? Yeah.
Nice one, Val.
(FOOTSTEPS) Andy, I am so sorry.
I didn't mean those horrible things I said.
Of course you did.
I don't blame you.
I was just angry with Mum and it spilled over.
Maggie Gyllenhaal is consistent, but who am I kidding? She's never done anything as good as Nightcrawler.
On the other hand Maggie doesn't need to apologise for Prince Of Persia.
Or Bubble Boy.
Still, I think I am going to ask Dad to take a paternity test with me, you know, just so we know Shut up! All right? You're not doing it.
It doesn't matter what the test says.
You're my sister, he's your father.
You don't need a test to prove I love you, Jake.
Right back at you, Maggie.
Isn't it weird, you and Dad travelling back together after everything? No.
It'll be months before we can move out.
39 years' worth of CDs and sex toys won't separate themselves.
Who knows? A lot can happen in that time.
One thing's for sure this family can take a bigger pounding than a rhino vag.
Here you go.
Don't tell your sister.
Mum, I'm not a boy any more.
You know, when I watch milf porn, it's not a fetish, it's just age-appropriate.
And as much as I love all the special attention, I am a bad son.
I never call, I never send birthday cards.
Sam's the good one.
Whoa! I'll forgive you just this once.
But I think that you should stop taking it easy on me.
The reason I give up on relationships is because you and Dad you never made me work for anything.
I want you to tell it like it is.
OK.
You're talented, but your music's soft.
You need to start dyeing your hair, cos you're going grey.
And stop blaming other people for your problems Mum, got it! Save some for later! You know, when I found out your mum was pregnant, I didn't want to run away like my father did.
And I could see she didn't have any decent men in her life, so I stayed.
But then you were born.
And I saw you there, all pink and smiling.
That wisp of hair like duckling fluff on the top of your head.
And I fell in love.
With both of you.
You know, you'll always be my special girl.
I love you, Dad.
I love you, too, sweetie.
I'm a bit old for pocket money.
Your mum wanted me to give you this to get your roots done.
- Oh! - Take it, or I'll never hear the end of it.
Bye, handsome.
And if you ever need money, - you call your Grandma Jane.
- Thank you.
But I'm going to start to trying to earn things on my own from now.
And if that doesn't work out, I'll just start a crowdfunding page.
You take care of my baby, Bruce.
I promise I will Jenny.
It's Jane! I know.
I'm a quick learner, I'm an excellent problem-solver and quite the people person.
But most importantly, I'm a very good liar.
You're hired.
Welcome to Carpet Brothers.
(ANDY) Ladies I've had a lot of fun with all of you.
But I need to pick just one of you.
And there's only one way to make such an important decision.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe Catch a tiger by the toe If it hollers, let it go - Eeny, meeny, miny - (DOORBELL) moe.
Throw me No more bones and I will tell you no lies This time You know I'll leave Here's to taking what you came for And here's to running off the pain And here's to just another no man If you want another Say you need another