Undeclared s01e11 Episode Script

Come on! Do it, or I will drop you on your head.
Ha ha ha! All right, I'm gonna do it.
Here I go.
Come on! Do it! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Aah! Whoa.
All right.
You've still got it, hal, baby! I did it! Whoo! Dad, what the hell? Steven, you're here.
Come here.
Come here.
I want you to meet dingleberry.
Hi.
D.
B.
And I are old fraternity buddies.
He just got divorced, too.
Women may come and go, but brotherhood Brotherhood is forever.
And you know that d.
B.
'S son is the sage of theta delta zeta at unec.
That's right, and it's rush week, and he's always looking for some quality guys, so you should stop by the house and say hi to him.
I've already kinda got my group of friends.
Well, bring your friends with you, unless they've got something against free beer and chicks.
Eh heh heh Steven, this is a good thing, because you and I are already father and son and now, maybe we can be brothers.
Hey, hal, you got any dirty ones? Oh, yeah.
I got a lot in there.
I'm auditioning for the part of lee, the abusive brother.
I've got to do an american accent.
Listen to this: Do you want to get a hamburger and some french fries? Then we'll jump in my pickup truck and go to the ballpark and get us a hotdog.
Daddy, I don't want your life.
That's really good.
You think so? Yeah.
Wow.
Do you want to help me learn lines? Oh, yeah.
Sure, I'd love to.
That would be wicked.
What can I do? You can be mom.
Ha ha ha! Oh, look, steve, it's your mom.
Oh! Come on.
Ooh! Come on! I'm tryin'! Come on, dude! Dreeee! Oh! You suck! You suck! You suck! Oh, you suck so bad.
I'm not playing with him anymore.
You're just weak, is what you are.
You're weak.
Why am I weak? 'Cause I can't outwrestle your stupid cartoon guy? Yeah.
Among other things.
Hey, ron, who do you think's got a sweeter ass rachel or lizzie? Just don't talk about lizzie that way, please.
Oh, do you own lizzie's ass now? Did I not get that notice? Yeah, steve.
We didn't realize you were the major shareholder in l.
A.
Lizzie's ass.
Whoo How come you guys never make fun of marshall? He hasn't been with a girl all year long.
Yeah, come on, guys.
Don't make fun of steve or his breasts will lactate.
What does that even mean? That's not clever.
Yeah, guys, that's not clever.
I mean, seriously, guys, don't make fun of me 'cause it's just not wicked, and if it carries on, I'm gonna go and do lizzie's laundry.
Whatever.
Do you guys wanna go to that rush party tonight or not? No.
No.
No.
Fraternity's are evil, ok? They brainwash you.
They steal your soul, and they take your first born, for god's sakes.
And you are the first born.
So I guess you guys don't care about free beer and chicks.
Free? Ooh, baby I've never been to a fraternity house before.
Isn't it exciting? The only reason I'm going is to get out of here for a while.
Tina has been playing that song for 2 hours straight, and I hated it 2 years ago.
I think it's catchy.
Come on, rachel.
Maybe there'll be some sorority girls there.
We could be sisters! Sorority girls? Give me a break.
"Are you going to the sigma party saturday night? "I think jeremy likes you.
Hee hee! "I love your hair, and I love you, and I'm not just sayin' that 'cause I'm so wasted.
" Well, I like organizations.
When I was little, I was in the brownies.
I've got all the badges.
Oh, my god! Brownies! What a coincidence! Those smell so good.
You can have some if you want.
No, thanks.
I just flossed.
Oh, thanks.
So you're sure you don't want to come? No, I'm cool.
I'm gonna stay home, do my homework, listen to my song.
Ok.
Bye.
Bye.
It's in my face um, just stick with me.
I've got, like, an in, I think.
Hey, um, I'm steven karp.
Beast-whore.
Um, I think my name's on a list.
My dad's an alumni hal karp.
Good for you, but it's an open party.
Oh, yeah.
Way to work the connections, there, steve.
Thanks for the hookup, bro.
Thanks.
Howdy.
Beast-whore.
Oh, yeah.
This looks like fun! Yeah.
This is gonna be cool.
It will be when I find the keg.
Oh, you're talkin' my language, ron.
Do not leave me.
Do you think they're gonna I.
D.
Us? Wow, I hope not.
I didn't think of that.
I didn't bring mine.
Oh, no.
That's terrible.
Oh, I know that girl.
Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Hi.
I'm books, theta delta zeta sage.
Oh, yeah.
I'm steven karp.
I think I met your dad, uh, dingleberry? Whoa! Did you just call my dad a dingleberry? He told me his name was dingleberry.
Ha ha ha! Relax.
Relax, steve.
I'm just kiddin'.
Heh heh.
So you're the son of hal karp, huh? The halcoholic? Pukemaster general? Ha ha I see you brought a lovely young lady with you.
How are you, beautiful? You know, you would make a lovely addition to our little sisters.
Thanks.
Delicious.
Uh, can I help you find something? Yeah, uh, where's the beer at? Oh, I'm sorry, man.
This is a dry rush, but don't worry.
Brother tate makes a killer strawberry smoothie, man, with wheat grass, pharmaceutical-grade ginseng, b-12, man.
Killer buzz.
No.
Really, man.
Where's the beer? Does that guy have a beer? And it only costs $300 a semester.
We would love for you to join, man.
So it costs money to join? Well, think of it as, like, a savings account, but the dividends are parties and chicks, man.
I don't have any money.
Huh.
Hey, gerbil! What's up, man? How you doin', man? If you're a member of a greek organization, chances of graduating increase to over 70%.
70%? Is that true? Yeah, as far as I know, but listen to this: 85% of fortune 500 executives are fraternity men.
That is a surprisin' statistic.
I know.
I know.
The little sisters are like a sorority within a fraternity.
And we always get first dibs on all the cute guys.
That's 'cause we design their homecoming float.
Pssst! It's gonna be a pirate ship.
Shush! Cool.
And we're almost like best friends.
Do you guys have room for one more? I won't tell about the pirate ship.
We always have room for one more.
Yay.
Heh heh.
We're the hottest frat on campus.
This is the best decision you'll ever make.
There's always something to do and someone to do.
Take a look around.
There's 30 guys, and they're all here for you.
It's like having a family of 30 brothers, and your parents are always out of town.
30 brothers, 10 sisters, and incest is best.
College is a theme park.
This is the twister, so strap in and don't be afraid to puke.
If this is the playboy mansion, we're all hugh hefner.
This is brandy, the head of our little sisters.
Hi.
Steve isn't it? Yep.
So are you gonna join? We could always use more cute guys here.
Well well, then, uh I'm happy to oblige.
T-d-z! T-d-z! Cheers! This is gonna be really cool.
T-d-z! T-d-z! T-d-z! T-d-z! Hey! It's freddy fraternity.
Steve, lloyd's been working on his american accent.
Oh, cool.
Let's hear it.
For the low, low price of $500 a semester, not only will I be your best friend, but I'll also get you a job in a fortune 500 company.
You're kidding me.
Tell me more.
If you sign up now, we'll include a free strawberry smoothie with ginseng.
Whatever.
Come on, man.
You can't take a little razzing? It's what guys do to each other, steve.
No, but you guys don't do it to each other.
You only do it to me.
Uh-oh.
He's caught on.
Hey, steve, I hear fraternities tie a brick around your thing and then throw the brick out a window.
Yeah.
Right.
Hey! Look who it is.
Hey, books, brandi.
Hey, you guys.
Hey, steven.
So we're gonna go play some paintball.
You wanna come? Come on, steve.
You can be on my team.
Yep.
I would love to get outta here.
Ladies.
Uh Did he just blow us off? Yep.
Let me guess.
You guys were assigned to live together.
Yeah.
You know who that woman is? I have no idea uh, your mom.
It's judy buddisker, the head of the housing department.
Look at her face.
Memorize it.
This is the woman who picked your roommates.
Do you want this woman deciding who your friends are? No.
I think it's time you picked your friends for yourself.
Hey, I had so much fun at your party.
Oh, my gosh, me, too.
I love your top.
Thanks.
I love your top.
Well, hey, we're gonna go play some paintball.
You guys wanna come? That sounds so cool.
I'd love to.
How about you? I don't paintball.
She's allergic to paint.
You know, that really is a nice top.
Oh, thanks.
I've got it in blue.
How bizarre, how bizarre ooh, baby ooh, baby it's makin' me crazy hi.
Um, could you please stop playing this song? But I like it.
It's catchy.
OhUm # every time I look around # see, it's driving me crazy.
I mean, it's the most annoying song I've ever heard.
Face could you at least turn it down? Sure.
I can do that.
I have it at 7.
I'll bring it down to 3.
Thanks.
Clowns have stuck around tv news and cameras there's choppers in the sky marines, police, reporters ask where, for and why? brother pele's in the back sweet zina's in the front Cruisin' down the freeway will you shut that crap off? No! You're not the boss of me.
You are so selfish.
You're just mad at me because your roommate blew you off to be a little sister and now you're stuck with me.
No.
I'm mad because you're an obsessive/compulsive lunatic who keeps playing the same song over and over again.
How bizarre how bizarre this is the best part.
Ooh, baby ooh, baby it's makin' me crazy Hey, you guys wanna go to the quad and play hacky-sak and, like, show off all our skills to all the chicks? Without steve around, you really get a good view of just what a complete moron marshall is, huh? That's very perceptive, ron.
Oh, ok.
Mm-hmm.
All right, I see what's goin' on here.
I'm the new whipping boy, right? Why me? Why not you or or you, ron? Let's put it to a vote.
All those in favor of marshall? Oh.
Ok, we definitely need a 4th here.
Hit him! Stop jumping and hit him! I don't get it.
Why doesn't anything happen when I push this button? Uh, because you suck.
It's true.
I suck at video wrestling.
How will I tell my parents? Know what? No.
I'm not playing this stupid thing anymore.
This isn't fun.
No, no, no, no, no.
Come on.
Perry's a good addition to our to our gang.
Where the hell is steven? He's supposed to run lines with me.
Oh, hi, mama.
Me and austin were just wrestlin'.
He looks like he's in pain, but he's fine.
"As your mother, "I am very disappointed that you want to kill your brother.
She sighs and exits with her luggage.
" Perry, don't read the stage directions.
Oh, my god.
Please be seated.
Do you solemnly swear your loyalty and enthusiasm as little sisters to the theta delta zeta fraternity? We all say "yes.
" I didn't hear you?! We all say, "yes!" Ok, you're in.
Congratulations.
You're official little sisters.
Yay! Whoo! Oh, my god! I was so scared! I thought you were gonna put us through something messy.
Oh one day I asked myself "hey, steve, what kind of man would I like to be?" I'd like to be an honorable man like the man in a fraternity and that's how I became a theta delta zeta theta delta zeta that is what I am oh yes steve, when you've finished practicing your show tunes, can I have a word, please? All right.
I'll, uh Be right back.
Uh, that song is wicked.
That brit's a g.
D.
I.
Yeah? Look, man, we're sorry that we weren't very nice to you, ok? But we just really feel like you shouldn't join a fraternity.
It's cool.
I'm just takin' part in campus activities.
It's called a cult.
It's called brotherhood, and don't tell me what to do, please.
Seriously, steve That song is not very good, you know? Look, we don't always only have to hang out with each other.
I'm just making new friends.
Hey, steven.
It's time for you to become a greek god.
Yes! You must be real proud of this guy, huh? Steven rocks.
Yeah, we know.
1, 2 Oh one day, I asked myself, "hey, steve" what kind of man would I like to be? I'd like to be an honorable man oh, hey, guys.
Hey, hey.
What in the hell is that? Are we on the right floor? Are there more in our room, you think, maybe? What the? It's decorations, man.
Looks, uh Looks pretty.
Theta delta zeta? Yeah.
A little more like theta delta dorka.
I cannot believe steven is joining those guys.
That kid could not become a bigger dork if he went on the road following the dave matthews band.
You will not recognize him when he's done pledging.
How long will that take? 6 weeks, and once he's in, he's a brother for life.
I like the dave matthews band.
Oh, yeah? Well, I hear they're touring the south next month.
Maybe you could see them and catch up on old times.
All right, steve's pledge ceremony's in 11 minutes.
I say we go save steven.
You have a car, right, perry? Yes.
Grab your fishin' poles, boys.
We're gonna catch us some carp.
Ooh, baby it's makin' me crazy it's makin' me crazy every time I look around around every time I look around every time I look around I want to rock rock rock rock rock rock rock I wanna rock it's in my face ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh, ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh I saw the sun and it opened up my eyes I saw the sun no one's gonna try to give up I get knocked down, but I get up again you're never gonna keep me down I get knocked down ahai ahai ahai ahai ahai # a la tuhuelpa legria macarena # # que tuhuelce paralla # what's new, pussycat? whoa whoa whoa whoa what's new, pussycat? ho, hey ho Wait.
You're playing this? Yeah.
You like enrique iglesias? Yeah.
I think he's sexy.
I think he's sexy, too.
So do you just wanna listen to this cd? Yeah.
I love this song.
Ok.
Yeah.
I can't sleep I can't sleep gentlemen Get to know each other well.
Because you guys are the future of this fraternity, and you're gonna be best friends for life.
That guy's gonna be the best man in your wedding.
He's gonna bail you outta jail.
You ever need an organ transplant? Liver, kidney, bone marrow.
That's why god gave you 2 of everything.
And 5 brothers to turn to.
Steven, when you wake up in a dumpster in minnesota at 3:00 in the morning, who you gonna call? That guy.
When you die, these are the guys that are gonna carry your casket, dig the hole, and lower you into the ground.
Hi.
I'm steven.
Jim.
Nice to meet you.
Faster, boy, faster.
Don't make me get the hose.
Actually, lloyd, this is a school zone, and, in this country, it's illegal to run over children.
Get your stick outta your butt and go, man! Go, man! Come on! Shut up! Shut up! Fine.
You guys are paying for the ticket.
Neophytes, as you begin your journey, you must walk across the great hot sands of the desert.
Though your feet may blister, walk on, you must.
So do any of you gumshoes know what theta delta zeta looks like? 'Cause that might help.
I know what it looks like.
There's, like, this pyramid thing, and then there's this "z," and then the first letter's like a, uh, it's like a boob with a bow tie.
Boob with a bow tie? Uh, no, marshall, that's your chippendale's calendar.
Hey, shut up, perry, and drive! You're not allowed to make fun of me, so step on it, you dumb ass.
Be warned You will encounter many great storms on your journey.
Did you say it looked like a boob with a bow tie? Yeah! Boob with a bow tie! Boob with a bow tie! Pull over! Pull over! But when the clouds clear, you can bask in the warming glow of knowledge, brotherhood, and enlightenment that is theta delta zeta.
Whoa, guys, this is a private ceremony.
Nobody's allowed in.
Hey, I remember this guy.
It's beast-whore, right? You let us in before? I said no, man.
Congratulations, neophytes.
You have commenced your journey, but beware the minotaur of malfeasance.
All right, there's a pledge party and hot chicks upstairs.
It's time to get pinned, boys! Party! Party! Party! Ow! Come on! Get him off, lloyd.
Get him off me! Get him off me! You just made your last mistake.
I'm gonna rain on you, boy.
Oh, yeah? Oh! You hit me in the bloody nose! Why don't you fight like a man?! And what's with your voice? You're not even american.
This guy's not even american.
I can see him.
I see the Steve! This is your pledge pin.
It should be worn at all times.
Steve! As a symbol of your loyalty.
Don't do the fraternity! Hey, steve! Steve! Steve! Let's go this way.
Come on.
Steve! Steve! Right here! Steve! Steve! Steve! Right here! Steve! See ya later, buddies! Take a trip! Ha ha! See ya later.
Thanks for stoppin' by.
I hate my life.
I hate my life.
Congratulations! I'll be aphrodite, and you can be my zeus.
I am so happy right now.
This is, like, awesome.
Pledge, go get lizzie and me a drink.
What's the magic word? Heh heh.
The magic word is "yes, sir.
" You're a pledge now.
I own your ass, steve-o.
Yes, sir.
And when you're done, I want you to go upstairs and clean my room, wall-to-wall.
Yes, sir! Go! Now! Go! Yes, sir.
So, "lizzie," is that short for somethin'? Is steven coming back you know what? You don't have to worry about him.
He's my bitch now.
If you're ever to go mountain-climbin', who are you gonna go with? These guys.
You fall off the mountain, who you gonna fall with? These guys.
You ever need a piggyback, steven, these are the guys who won't laugh at you when you ask.
It's true.
You can go scuba-diving together and share the same mask when one of you runs out of air.
Oh, yeah.
It's happened to me.
Come on.
Captioned by the national Www.
Ncicap.
Org