Will and Grace s01e21 Episode Script

Alley Cats

Book! Four words! Whole idea! - "A Farewell To Arms"! - Yes.
Uh.
a movie.
Uh.
three words.
Whole thing.
- "The Crying Game"! - Yes! We dominate! Woo! Woo! Ha! - Okay.
Your turn.
- Ha! - You guys are up by a lot.
- Maybe we should just.
you know-- No.
don't even-- play.
That's Grace-speak for "good luck.
" Okay.
and - time.
Go! - Okay.
uh-uh-um-eh - It's a movie.
- Yeah.
it's one word.
- Okay.
um - First word.
Okay.
Uh ( growls ) Oh.
I know.
I know this one.
Oh.
yeah.
I don't know-- um.
"Looney Tunes.
" Uh-- uh ( growling) "Maniac"? Um.
uh.
"Seizure"! Oh.
come on! Um-- I'm not having fun.
Yeah.
I give up.
- You give up? - Yeah.
That was so easy.
It's "Psycho"! This is what you should have done.
Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! Eee! - You would have gotten that.
right? - Says "Psycho" to me.
- See? Why'd you give up so fast? - Because-- because we have a really big day and.
we have to go.
- Honey.
we're in the middle of a game.
- Big day.
Rob! Oh.
right.
Tomorrow is a big day.
I wish it were a small day.
but it's not.
It's just big.
That would make it "Big Wednesday.
" - I want to go.
- Okay.
Okay.
well.
bye.
It was uh-- Hey.
it was really fun.
- Yeah.
good seeing you.
- Yeah.
really good seeing you.
- Really.
really good seeing you.
- Okay.
Grace.
You win.
So what's with Rob and Ellen? I think they felt bad about losing.
Well.
I wish they wouldn't take it so seriously.
- Yeah.
it's just a friendly game.
- Yeah.
- We kicked their asses.
huh? - Like the dogs they are.
Oh.
yeah.
So uh.
what kind of work do you do here? Hmm.
Honey.
silk collar.
blue collar.
They don't even mix in the washing machine.
Lady.
I'm only trying to make polite conversation here.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bah-- fix the heat.
Our relationship is already too involved.
Next thing I know.
I'm gonna be gettin' Christmas postcards from you and your red-eyed brood.
Hi.
Kare-- Oh.
well.
Iook at that.
"Butt Crack Theater.
" Let's just hope it's a one act.
Okay.
I need to borrow $300.
I want to be the first one in my prayer circle to have the new Birkenstock slip-ons.
Yeah.
Well.
keep prayin'.
Mary.
'cause you're not gettin' it from me.
Qu'est-ce que c'est? Jack denied? What's going on with you? Did someone throw another bucket of blood on one of your furs? I'm gonna-- No.
honey.
I-- I had a near-death experience last night.
Wow.
Did you see God? Is she mad at me? Come on.
Jack! This is serious! I was at The Palm last night with Stan and he started choking on his rack of lamb.
Well.
my first instinct was to watch it play out.
but he was really attracting attention.
Oh my God.
is he okay? Oh.
yeah.
He's fine.
Javier.
the busboy gave him the Heimlich.
Gosh.
I should probably get him something as a thank you.
Maybe the rest of his family from Cuba.
My God.
Karen.
that's awful.
I mean.
to watch your husband almost choke to death right in front of your very eyes-- Sidebar? That outfit is fabiola.
Isn't it? I got it in three colors.
Oh.
honey.
it was a wake-up call.
I don't know what I would do without Stan.
I mean.
what is the combination to the wall safe? Where is the key to the safe deposit box? What if he did something stupid and left all of our money to some school or something? I mean.
Iook at me.
I'm still shaking.
My cousin Rosie once choked on a piece of sausage bread.
Oh.
that's lovely.
You should remember that and tell it at dinner parties.
Oh.
I'm so on edge.
Well.
Karen.
if you had invited me to dinner-- which you didn't.
thank you very much.
busy anyway-- I could have saved Stan's life.
I know CPR.
- You know CPR? - Oh.
yeah.
I had to do it on my father when I told him I was gay.
Only I think it just confused him even more.
What brings you guys here? Well.
we were having lunch around the corner and we thought we'd stop by.
Yeah.
a little bit of bad news.
We're not gonna be able to make it to dinner tonight.
Oh.
you're kidding.
How come? Well.
it's just-- I have a-- - We have to-- - Say it.
When we play with you guys.
I don't have fun.
She doesn't have fun.
Will.
Why not? I mean.
they're just friendly little games.
No-no.
Bare-knuckle boxing is a friendly little game.
Charades is a vicious blood sport for Grace.
We love hanging out with you guys.
but when it comes to games.
you know.
she's too intense.
When we played Pictionary last week.
she laughed so hard at my drawings.
- I cried on the way home.
- She cried on the way home.
Will.
Well.
that's just Grace showing enthusiasm.
Everybody gets that way when they're winning.
don't they? - We wouldn't know.
Will.
- Mm-mm.
I'll talk to her.
Okay? Come to dinner and worse comes to worst.
we don't have to play a game.
We can watch TV or something.
Charlton Heston's on Leno tonight.
We can watch Moses extol the virtues of semi-automatic weapons.
So uh.
did you talk to Will today? Ah.
he left a couple of messages for me.
but I couldn't return his call.
- 'cause guess where I was.
- Where? I was at-- actually.
Iet me tell you this way.
Three words.
First word.
Small word.
- If.
in.
.
- Uh.
a - Ick.
ill.
is.
.
- Is - Him - Is He.
uh-- ah.
okay.
Let me give you a little hint.
Um.
it's the single most common word in the English language.
- And I just used it twice.
- Is? - I? - The! The first word is "the.
" Okay second word.
- Grace.
I beg you.
please just tell us.
- Yeah.
use your words.
Grace.
Okay.
- I went to the toy store.
- Oh.
And I got the new Deluxe Scrabble! We could play like a marathon game.
What do you think of that? I think you should return your damn phone calls.
Take it easy.
I'm sorry.
Hey.
what's goin' on? Well.
Grace is making dinner and she just bought Deluxe Scrabble.
She bought a game.
Will.
- I see.
- Mmm.
Well.
I'm just gonna fix myself a deluxe drink and then we'll have a long.
Ieisurely dinner and see if we even get to Scrabble.
- Oh.
we'll get to it.
- Huh? Today I found a couple of words that are worth a ton and they're each only four letters.
I'm guessin' Rob and Ellen are thinkin' of a couple of choice four-letter words of their own right now.
It doesn't matter.
We're gonna gut 'em like fish.
Grace.
I don't think we should play a game.
Why not? You get a little too competitive.
- No.
I don't.
- Yes.
you do.
- No.
I don't.
- Yes.
you do.
Okay.
see.
I'm stopping.
You see? When you play games.
you just-- you can't control yourself and it's-- it's upsetting our friends.
Is that true? Oh.
Grace.
you are such a dear friend.
But um-- Rob? We don't really like playing games with you.
- It's nothing personal.
but you taunt-- - And you gloat-- And you're aggressive.
God.
you're just so competitive.
You like to compete.
Grace.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
wait.
Well.
why is this all on me? - What about Will? - What do you mean.
"What about Will?" You're just as competitive as I am.
- No.
I'm not.
- Yes.
you are.
Okay.
wai-wai-wait! Now.
I like to win just as much as the next guy.
but at least I know how to control myself.
Oh.
oh.
And I don't? ls that it? I see.
Well.
if no one wants to play with me.
then I'm just gonna go to my room and play with myself.
By myself.
I meant by myself.
Katie.
Katie.
are you okay? No-no-no.
Kare.
Her name is Annie.
Resusci-Annie.
Or in a perfect world.
Resusci-Andy.
Honey.
I can't remember my kids' names.
okay? What's goin' on? What do I do? How do I bring it to life? Oh.
wait.
That sounds like me on my wedding night.
Okay.
Karen.
Focus.
all right? Here is a little acronym that'll help you.
CTA-PTN-TTH-ABM-TM.
Here's a little acronym for you.
honey.
What the hell are you talkin' about? CTA.
Check the airway.
PTN-- Good.
Pinch the nose.
TTH.
Tilt the head.
And ABM-TM.
And begin mouth-to-mouth.
( singing to the "Alphabet Song" ) CTA-PTN-T.
TH-A Hey.
hey.
honey.
honey.
I'm not putting my mouth on this thing.
Who knows what those paramedics use these dolls for while they're sittin' around waitin' for a fire? Besides.
these lips don't touch anything in a track suit.
Karen.
even fashion victims can be choking victims.
Are you sure? Maybe it's nature's way of thinning out the herd.
Don't say that.
Every human life has value.
Come on.
just do it.
do it.
Come on.
Oh.
all right.
all right.
Oh.
yeah! Will Truman is "Lord Of The Lanes.
" Okay.
Ellen.
your turn.
- Come on.
honey.
- Don't psyche me out.
Rob.
Sorry.
- Yay! Yay.
for me! - Oh! - Yay.
you! - Oh.
way to go.
Miss Ellen.
Woo! - Oh.
that was great.
- Yeah.
- Gracie.
you're up.
- Yeah.
go.
Grace.
And remember.
only Grace can put the grace in gracious.
Or something like that.
Go on.
- Come on.
Grace.
- Go.
Grace.
Do that thing.
There she goes.
There she goes There she went.
What-- what-- what-- what was that? I knocked two pins down.
Yeah.
I know.
and you left eight standing.
but this isn't golf.
You want high numbers.
That's what you want.
high.
I know.
But look at me.
Will.
I'm fine.
I suck.
but I'm fine with it.
This must be what it feels like to be my middle sister.
I'm glad that you got that out of your system.
but seeing as you're the baby daughter looking for daddy's approval.
how about pickin' up the spare? Pick up the spare.
How about that? Three.
So this is like Bowler's Anonymous.
"one pin at a time"? Hey.
Grace.
You are doing great.
baby.
Lovin' the new you.
- They're loving the new me.
- Lovin' the new you.
We can actually win this.
Okay.
Iady.
I'm almost done here.
Enough with the "Iady.
" all right? I'm not an lrish Setter.
- ( glass breaks ) - ( workman moans ) Oh.
honey.
no.
Why are you grabbing your heart like that? Uh.
come on.
no-no-no.
I'm sure it's just a stress thing.
Yeah.
it'll go away.
Just walk it off.
There you go.
See? - Yeah.
you're gettin' better now.
- ( workman groans ) - ( thud ) - Uh-oh.
Oh.
Lord.
Help me! Help me! I've got a beached ltalian in my office! Criminy.
Okay-- Bernie.
Bernie.
are you okay? Thank God there are no security cameras in here to catch this.
Damn it! You should be proud of yourself.
You saved a life.
Oh.
well.
as I always say.
every human life has value.
Oh-- But it was nothing.
really.
Just giving the breath of life.
And these puppies are full o' life.
Well.
you uh.
did a good job.
ma'am.
Oh.
well.
thank you.
That's sweet.
Well.
I'll see ya.
Oh.
uh.
but-- but uh.
I'm not really sure I was doing it correctly.
I don't suppose that maybe you'd walk me through it.
I want it to be perfect.
Oh.
certainly.
That's my job.
Oh.
well.
great.
Let me just uh.
be your dummy.
Karen.
congratulations! Oucha-magoucha.
How you doin'? Honey.
do you think you could give Dr.
Goodbody and I a few more minutes? You know.
I'd love to.
but Stan your husband-- You remember Stan your husband? Yeah.
he's down in the car.
With the kids.
and the nanny and the goiter.
His mother's here? Oh.
damn it.
I gotta go before Stan invites her to stay for the weekend.
Take care.
Hi.
I'm Jack.
I'm her CPR instructor.
but I'm not quite sure I'm getting it.
I'll be your doll.
Resusci-Jack.
Strike! I got a strike! - We dominate! - Woo! Four words! Sounds like! - We're kickin' your ass! - Boom! Oh.
oh-- Ooh.
ooh.
ooh-- You okay? God.
I'm sorry.
- I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
- You okay? Okay.
cool.
Woo! All right.
Ellen.
you are doing great.
She's bowling so great.
- Wasn't that great.
Will? - Okay.
you're up.
Grace.
Okay.
And now's your chance to tie us-- if you knock down 27 pins.
And there's only 10 down there.
Yeah.
honey.
that was the joke.
Okay.
now.
Grace.
Iosing gracefully is good.
Winning gracefully-- much better.
Lighten up.
honey.
It's just a game.
I know.
it's just a game.
The neon wackiness tells me that.
What are you doing? I wanted to see if the ball would make it all the way down if I just dropped it.
Okay.
I'm gonna call it.
Time of death.
7:48.
That's a good one.
Grace.
Good.
Thought it would make it.
Okay.
ice cream? - Ice cream? - Oh.
yeah.
- Okay.
- Excuse me.
- Hey.
hey.
hey - Yeah.
hmm? What are you doing? - I'm getting ice cream.
- Yeah.
yeah.
Good Humor Lady.
what's going on? I'm having fun? You don't have to lose to have fun.
Grace.
You're not France.
Honey.
I don't need to win.
We're losing to Rob and Ellen.
Rob and Ellen! We've never lost to them at anything! Well.
maybe it's their turn to win.
It's never their turn.
They don't win.
they lose.
That's why we love them.
It's the whole basis of our friendship.
Yeah.
we get together and we have pleasant little evenings with games and then we - gut them like a fish! - Aha! - Nailed! - What? - Nailed! - Not nailed.
- Totally nailed.
- What? You can't control your competitive nature any more than I can.
- Oh.
that is-- - Yes.
you-- you just like to play the cool Will Truman while I'm all the intense crazy one.
But once the bowling shoe is on the other foot.
Iook who's the good cop and look who's the bad cop.
That is the worst mixed metaphor you have ever uttered.
You know I'm right.
You're just as competitive as I am.
and you can't control it any more than I can.
- Not true.
- True.
- Okay.
fine! - True.
I admit it.
We're the same woman.
okay? I'm gonna need a little more.
You're right.
I'm just as competitive as you are.
I love it when you're obnoxious.
It unnerves our foes and it satisfies my lust for victory.
- Okay.
you happy? - Yeah.
thank you.
Could we get out there and try to win this thing? - Absolutely.
- Okay.
Oh.
and by the way.
once you let Jeannie out of the bottle.
there's no way she's goin' back to that little circle couch.
- So you're sure? - Come on.
Iet's go.
Loser's are buyin' drinks and I got a winner's thirst! She's got a winner's thirst.
Will.
Oh.
I'm sure.
Make 'em cry.
Gladly.
This good sportsmanship crap has been making me sick.
( "Chariots of Fire" theme plays )