Will and Grace s07e21 Episode Script

It's a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World

Okay, gimme my latte Why does yours say Patrice? Oh, that's my coffee name You have a coffee name? There's a lot you don't know about me Eh, maybe that's all Hello, dear.
It's your mother Calling from heaven, I hope Bad news about your father's birthday this weekend, dear Your sisters can't make it So it'll just be you and me and the old putz.
Hm Did I hang up? I can't tell if I hung up I can't--I can't tell.
This-- Martin! What? Just me and them? Oh, no, that ain't gonna happen It's gonna be me, them, and you No, no, no No, no, there's no way Tyler's going all the way up there Tyler? / That's my getting-out-of- going-to-your-parent's-house name Why do you need me anyway? I thought you were going with Karen? No, she's just dropping me off on her way up to Canyon Ranch She's getting two things removed and one thing added on I didn't ask for details Hey, Tyler.
Hey, Patrice Hey, Jack how would you like to-- Uh, no, I'm not going to your dad's birthday party You should know by now, I listen to your answering machine Besides I've been busy developing my new show at Out TV It's very hush-hush, very secret, very Wisteria Lane And yet, I found the time to do a big fat favor for my big fat friend! I've set you up on a blind date with one of the hottest guys in the city Well, I guess that means two of the hottest guys in the city will be sitting at one table No Okay, I'll do it It's only because it gives me an actual excuse not to go to your father's birthday party Every time I go up there, I just end up being the butt of his jokes for the entire visit You know, Grace, I just realized I've never met your father In my mind, I've cast him as Judd Hirsch America's favorite cranky Jew He hasn't noticed anything I've done since I was 12-years-old, let the door open and the cat got out Tells the story over and over It's not even funny Well, if you're still looking for it-- Meow Àª Àª & Àª & ±× Àª & ±×·¹ Àª & ±×·¹ÀÌ Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º Àª & ±×·¹À̽º ÇÑ±Û ¹ø¿ª: ½ÌÅ© ÆíÁý: ÃÖÁ¾ Å×½ºÆ®: Well, Grace, was it a long drive? I mean, did you have to pee a lot? Did she have to pee a lot? I had to pull over three times 'cause her majesty here is too good for a Big Gulp cup I'm sorry if I was self-conscious with you shouting "fill it up and win a prize.
" Well, I was just afraid of missing you before I had to go to Utica Mmm! You like my hair? It's reversible.
Whoo Wait, what-- Wait, you're leaving? I can't help that, dear.
You know, Edith Cratz, she sprained her knee because she was running away from that robot vacuum cleaner Yes, so, well, I'm replacing her in Les Mis Oh, it's gonna be a fabulous production We have a cast of six Wait, so you're leaving me alone with Dad? What--what am I supposed to do with him? Ma, this is worse than the time that you told me that you were gonna take me out for ice cream, and you ended up dropping me off at camp! Well did they, or did they not have ice cream there? Martin, your daughter's here! I hope it's the good one Well, I guess this one will do But we better close the doors We don't want the cat running off again, right Gracie? Hi, Daddy Daddy, you remember Karen? How could I forget Karen? She arm-wrestled me for beers, and then stole my heart medication That was a good buzz I talked to Jesus Well, I've gotta run Oh, Martin, have a wonderful birthday And I'm giving you a present You won't hear from me for two days And it fits me perfectly I love it Bye, dear.
Bye-bye So? So It's funny 'cause it's awkward So how's work? They--they like you there? - Uh, Dad, it's just me and Karen - Ah And the answer is no Well, I'm gonna go grab a sandwich And, uh, keep the door closed because I haven't read the paper yet And I don't want it to run off like the cat Oh, he's starting in on the jokes already.
Ugh Honey, if you don't like your relationship with your father you should try and change it Spend some time with him Talk to him Maybe you're right Maybe I'll use this weekend to show him that I'm more than a punch line or just someone who leaves the door open Hey, front door's wide open I figured Grace must be here - Hi, Mr.
Wolfe - Gimme a huggie - Okay - Oh, where's pop? - He's in th-- - And how you doin', darlin'? Burt Wolfe, semi-retired Karen Walker.
Semi-hard "Burt Wolfe, Dry Cleaner.
" Oh, my God, honey Have you ever heard anything sexier? Hi.
I'm Will You must be my blind date Hi, I'm Desmond You must be my sighted date Oh, so you're actually-- Oh, I hope you're not going to say wearing the same outfit as you I guess Jack didn't tell you I was blind Look, this has happened before So if you're, uh, having second thoughts Oh, no, no.
I just wish I'd known I wouldn't have spent so much time trying to pick out the right shirt That wasn't offensive, was it? No, only racial stuff offends me I am black, right? Please, sit Um, anyway, why would I want to end the date? You're cute And, uh, when you get right down to it, that's all that really matters anyway Do you mind if I, uh, see what you look like? Oh, sure.
Feel away I don't usually say that in the first five minutes of a date Huh.
Oh Hmm Oh.
Jack did not mention that Did you not like what you felt? You don't think I'm good looking? No, no, no, no Just-- It's just annoying is what it is What? That because I'm the blind guy, I get stuck with the dogs Excuse me! I am not a dog.
Feel again You know, I'm getting a hell of a headache Let's just get out of here Hey, it's fine with me if we never see each other again I mean, not see, but that's-- This is ridiculous I am classically handsome In fact, in fact, I'm better looking than you I am better looking than anyone in this restaurant Uh-huh.
Yeah, right Would someone please tell this man how good looking I am? Did you hear me, or is everybody deaf?! Will Truman! You've been Pink'd! - "Pinked"? - Yes! Pink'd! Out TV's non-derivative version of Punk'd! You're starring in it! - This was all a practical joke? - Yes, at your expense! Jack, saw the whole thing on the monitor, great show And you, come here You are one cocky, embarrassing star! I can't remember when I had such a good night's sleep Do you know that I slept better in a foxhole in Korea under two feet of water than I do sleeping next to your mother? ÀûµéÀÌ ¼ÕÆ®ÇÏÀÓ ¸Þµé¸® ³ë·¡·Î °ø°ÝÇÏÁö ¾ÊÀ» °É ¾Æ¼ÌÀ¸´Ï±î¿ä Anyway, happy birthday, Dad I thought that I would make us breakfast No! I don't want breakfast from a woman who thinks that French toast is made by dumping syrup into a bag of bread - Àü ¾î·ÈÀݾƿä - ³­ º´³µ¾ú´Ù ±×³É Ä¿Çdzª ÇÑ ÀÜ ¸ ½Ã°í ÇÑ ½Ã°£ µÚ °ñÇÁ³ª Ä¡·Ã´Ù Oh, um, I thought, uh, we could hang out and talk Why? What's wrong? You need money? No, but I'm here Shouldn't we spend a little time together? Maybe we can catch up? I mean there's a lot of things that I haven't told you about what's going on in my life right now Maybe we could go for a walk Talk a little bit - Maybe afterwards, go see a movie - Oh, a movie I haven't been to a movie since The Sting When they do a better one than that, call me Hey, good morning, everybody Look who tagged along for my morning power walk Talk about your "coinkidinks.
" I was taking the girls out for a run in their jogging bra And guess who happened by? Say, Burt, some of my wife's hair coloring came out on the sofa You wanna take a look? Sure, but I might have to get some industrial solvent I hate when your father does that This is Burt's one day off! What can you possibly see in Mr.
Wolfe? He's creepy and weird Honey, how can you say that? And after all the lovely things that he's said about you while he was watching you through binoculars from his home office Aw, he did? So, honey, how's everything going with your dad? Has he stopped seeing you as a big joke? 'Cause when you figure out how he does it, tell me No, I haven't.
I try to change things I asked him if he wanted to spend the day with me but, uh, he'd rather play golf Well, honey, you should go with him That's where he feels comfortable And men let their guard down when they feel comfortable Huh? Take Burt for instance Just this morning, he told me the combination to his safe As we lay on the fold-out watching you get dressed Aw This is where Charlie Heinz missed the putt lost the whole club championship We all thought he choked Turns out he had a mini-stroke Now he can only say the word "chair" You know, I don't think I ever told you I did a redesign on a country club in West Chester New York Magazine, actually, they did a piece on it Yeah.
I remember-- I remember when you had a lemonade stand and you spilled lemonade all over the place Heh-heh Yeah, similar story Oh, yeah, and this is where Arnie Regal-- lost complete use of his right side Hey, where'd you go? Ah.
You missed a great wrap party at White Castle last night Whoo, it was off the hook! Jamie let us get one big thing, and one little thing Well, I'm glad everybody had a good time Uh-oh.
Are you mad? You're mad, your mood mole is getting darker Well, it should be a light blue, because I'm fine Although, if it ever turns a light blue, it's probably time for a biopsy All right, well, I can't believe I was worried you were gonna get upset Oh, why would I be? It was funny My blind date was actually blind - I did not see that coming - Ha ha! You looked pretty foolish! I felt pretty foolish Now I just need you to sign this release so we can air the episode Yeah, I don't think so Well, if you don't sign it, we can't put it on Yeah, I get that You are ruining me! So, we're on the fourth hole, I tell her just relax and swing through This one, dammed if she doesn't take her shirt off Well, you said "tee off" - Are you sure you're all right? - Dad, what do you think? I flew out of the cart, and all you did was laugh about it Now, be reasonable The only reason I laughed, was because it was very, very funny Grace, what happened? You know the water hazard off the eighth fairway? Well, I've driven many a ball into it, but never a daughter You didn't happen to see a Titleist 4 down there, did you? Titlest 4.
I don't know what that is You know the beauty of it is, if I hadn't sliced, I would've knocked her right into the green! Dad, stop it! Sweetheart, it's just a joke I'm not a joke.
I'm your daughter But the only time you ever show any interest in me at all is when something embarrassing happens that you could spin into some sort of funny joke to tell your friends - Oh, sweetheart-- - Dad, no No, I'm going Happy birthday, Dad Here's your ball Hi.
I, um I felt bad about the way we left things, so I bought you a potted plant Where is it? I did not buy you a potted plant Here's the thing I just got back from Out TV and I'm in real trouble unless you agree to be on the show Look, I wish I could help you But I can't You--your stupid trick really hurt me, Jack Because it spoke to all of my insecurities about my looks What?! Don't you get it? The only reason that was funny is because everyone thinks you're handsome Even you? / Come on, Will, you know how I feel about you So will you sign the release? No.
And, no, I do know how you feel about me You're always talking about my thinning hair or my spreading thighs When have I ever done that? You changed my name on the mailbox downstairs to Baldy McLegdough! Will, I only do that because I'm the one who's insecure about my looks Now, please, will you help me out? No! What do you think-- You're just saying that so I'll sign your stupid release No, I'm not Look, I know that to you and the rest of the world I come off as beautiful Almost godlike Okay But trust me.
It's just an act For instance, it pains me to show you this but I'm ashamed of my ankles The hair has rubbed off in this area because of sock chafing Ankle hair? You make me humiliate myself in front of the entire restaurant and you give me ankle hair? If you want me to sign this release you're gonna have to do a lot better than that All right! I'm gonna show you something But you have to promise it stays in this room forever.
You promise? Oh, my God Is that a girdle? No.
It is a man-girdle I got it in the man's section at Victoria's Secret Why would you wear something like that? You don't know the pressure to be thin at a gay network, Will There's a purging station in every bathroom Now, will you sign it? After that, how could I not? Jack, there is one thing I should tell you What's that? Jack McFarland, you have been Pink'd! What? Oh, my God! Will? Genius.
Even better than you at the restaurant Damn you, Will Truman! Well, I will not sign the release.
A-ha! All right, if you won't sign the release will you sign this waiver for unlimited use in perpetuity around the universe? Oh, I'd be delighted Hello, girls Marty, I know why you're here I live here So, hey, when Burt wakes up from his nap please tell him that I have a dry cleaner back home who has a couple of Korean kids working for him I can't just give that up Grace, I don't understand All of a sudden, you hate my funny stories I don't hate them, Dad They'd be fine if every once in a while between the cat and the cart we had a real conversation I wanna talk to you about my life My work.
My divorce.
I mean-- - Do you care about any of that? - Yes, I do.
Of course, I do Well then, talk to me without making a joke Okay, let's sit down and have a conversation Really, you think you can do that? Uh I can try So, you ever talk to Leo? Actually, I haven't.
But from what I understand, he's still out of the country Yeah, well, that was the problem, wasn't it? He was never around And how's Will? He's fine Look, I give up.
Do we laugh? Do we not laugh? What? You can laugh Listen.
You gotta help me here I love you, but I'm an old guy And I'm gonna try to change, but don't expect miracles I won't.
Just, thanks for trying For the record, I was not gonna make this another one of my jokes You know what? You can have it Happy birthday, Dad Thanks, because I was gonna tell people anyway I can't believe you did this to me! How did you know I was gonna make a fool of myself? Just a hunch Don't feel bad, Jack Truth is, I played this joke because really I'm the one who's insecure You are? No.
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