3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy (2011) Movie Script
The Amarus Bamboo Temple
on the Condensing Cliff
is the most renowned temple on Emei Mountain.
It is especially popular among people
from Western Sichuan.
It is in its incense heyday.
The Guanyin Hall on the right houses
a Bodhisattva statue
designed by the famous artist Wu Daozi
which dates back to 800 years ago.
The Guanyin is known to have answered
to faithful's prayers positively.
Thus, there are countless believers
kneeling and praying to the statue,
asking for a son, health,
or evil spirits to be warded off.
Go away, go!
Get out!
This is crazy. What's going on?
How dare he blaspheme against Guanyin!
You will be damned by the Gods!
Beat him... beat him to death!
This is sacrilegious
Let's go...
What is true happiness?
Happiness today is the cause of future misery.
Future misery is the result
of the happiness today.
Having said that,
I still prefer happiness today.
Just like the Prince of Ning
who leads a hideously luxurious life.
He collects the world's most
precious objects and people.
But do you think he's happy?
While he gratifies his endless desire,
cries of discontent arise among the people.
How could he be happy and at ease
while his people are suffering?
How can you compare a scumbag like him
to a sophisticated scholar like me?
I won't just let go of this incident.
Lin, don't you think
we're too young to get married?
We still haven't fooled around enough.
I'm sure you'd regret it.
If I have a lovely wife,
I wouldn't mind to lose some of my freedom.
Just go and take a look.
You don't have to marry him
if you don't like him.
I'm not getting married.
Master,
Mister Lin is waiting in the sitting room.
I don't care!
You have to go anyways.
Just to see for yourself.
Miss, you really have nothing to lose.
No, I'm not going.
But Mr. Tie is such a square,
I'm sure his daughter must be a bore,
and your sex life is likely to be...
Miss, come quick... Don't disturb me
My dearest Lin, how's your father doing?
He's doing great.
This is Wei Yangsheng, a good friend of mine.
He comes to keep me company.
Lin, I'm so sorry.
My daughter refuses to come out.
I haven't brought her up well enough.
You made a trip here but I'm afraid
you're not meeting her this time
In this case, let's get going.
We're actually kind of busy.
Come on, let's go. Oh, goodbye then
Master,
Miss is on her way out to meet the guests.
Now that Miss Tie is here,
I guess we should stay a while.
Okay.
As my daughter
lost her mother at an early age,
she is spoiled.
For matters about herself,
she always has to make her own decisions.
Dad, I only decide on trivial matters.
But marriage is a big thing
and of course, I'll leave it to dad,
for a woman should comply with
the Three Obediences and Four Virtues, right?
My daughter is still not married
all these years
because she is my only kid,
And my son-in-law
has to marry into our family.
The maid is so beautiful.
Their first son has to use our surname,
such conditions turn many men away.
Well... but I'm the only son in the family.
So were my father and grandfather...
Throughout 7 generations, all my patriarchal
ancestors are the only sons in the family.
But if I have the honour
to marry a lady like Miss Tie,
I don't mind marrying into the Tie's.
Okay, I've made up my mind.
I'll marry into the Tie's.
All my children will bear your last name.
I've also made up my mind.
Even my grandchildren can bear your last name.
But...
I approached Lin's parents first
and I have to stick to that.
So ....
Can I borrow a piece of paper?
Miss, he is really talented.
Here's a clumsy painting of mine,
I hope Mr. Tie and Miss Tie
could give some comments.
A picture comes to life with
the artist's exquisite strokes
Her eyes watery and sparkling, her lips red
Like a woman straight out
of Song Yu's prose poem
Miss Dong next door,
showing only her torso above the wall
Dad, I have made up my mind.
I will marry no one other than Wei Yangsheng.
And I'll also marry
no one other than Miss Tie.
Well...congratulationsm
Let me introduce a good friend of mine.
This is Scholar Shangguan Shun.
My good friend \/Veiyangshang.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Master wants you to see him.
Excuse me.
They are Mr. and Mrs. Good Fortune
They are in their 90s,
and have been happily
married for more than 70 years.
Master invited them to give you blessings.
Mr. and Mrs. Good Fortune,
hope you are all well.
Good, we will give you a red pocket later.
My dear, look at you.
You have food all over you.
Excuse me,
you two have been married for decades.
How can you
still be so loving to each other?
I don't know.
I just know that I love her very much
And when we say "make love",
you have to make, to have love
I guess...you haven't made love for many years?
How can you still be in love?
It is no big deal not being able to make love.
You will understand when time goes by.
Shit.
The groom and the bride kneel
to the Heaven and Earth...
So cool!
Wait a minute.
My dear, will it hurt?
It will hurt, but it feels extremely awesome.
Thank god it didn't hurt. But...
I wouldn't call it awesome either...
I have to admit that
there is room for improvement.
I guess I need more practice,
improvement is absolutely possible.
Did you see it?
No. I blinked and it's over.
You hate Prince of Ning so much,
why do you want me
to bring you to the Tower of Rarities?
If I don't go in the tiger's den,
how can I collect his crime evidence?
Oh yes, good point ....
Your Highness,
I brought my best friend here today.
I guess you don't need me
to explain the rules here, do you?
Before I enter the tower, I have to make
a contribution to the collection.
I do understand.
This is from my father's collection.
I know it's not anything near a rarity.
It's not hard to find a coral this big,
but it's quite rare to see one
that big in bright red colour.
Bring over a few of those corals
that are to be packed into the store room.
Let them take a look.
You think a piece of junk of such calibre
could get you in the Tower of Rarities?
Now you can pick any one of these rejects
as your compensation.
And don't ever come back again, okay?
My ignorance has disgraced myself.
I'm in no position to accept
any generous gift from your Highness.
I'd better get going.
I thought I've had a taste
of your Highness' collection.
But I didn't expect to see a counterfeit
hung on the wall as if it's real.
This painting has been verified
by many connoisseurs.
The paper, ink and the brush are all
from the Tang Dynasty,
even the brushstrokes are signature of Wu's.
On what grounds do you think it's counterfeit?
Cut open the border,
you'd see the painting is made
up of two layers of paper.
The ingenious thing about this counterfeit
is the use of rare ancient paper for tracing.
The rice paper on top
was used to trace the brushstrokes of Wu.
But the backing sheet underneath
is Chengxintang paper from the last reign
of the Southern Tang Kingdom.
You'd see plum blossom-shaped
watermarks on the backing paper.
The two were over two hundred years apart,
then how can it be real?
Your insight is a rarity good enough
to get you in the Tower.
Thank you.
Look.
It's a horse.
Stroke the horse.
Is it .....
This is the legendary Blood-sweating Horse.
Ha .... very amazing!
But nothing compares
to the Pavilion of Ultimate Bliss.
You have to take some Wushi Powder
before you get in though.
After taking "Five Stone Powder"
you will have ecstasy
Everything merges wih illusions
Let's drink.
I drink again?
Yes, your turn.
Don't go.
Let me catch you, and you will be dead.
Do you know him?
That's Shangguan Shen.
He was one of my guests
at my wedding
Shangguan Shen is my guest,
I let him in because
he has altogether 127 wives and concubines.
Apart from the Emperor His Majesty,
he has the most wives and concubines on earth.
But...
They aren't good looking at all.
Let me make a mark on your neck.
The most beautiful woman in the world.
Skin fair like icy snow.
Demeanour like the autumn water.
Bones like jade.
A fraction of an inch
taller would be too tall.
A fraction of an inch shorter
would be too short.
This is the most discerning
connoisseur in the world.
She is the walking
example of perfect proportion.
The flawless exemplar of the word beauty,
but I admire her personality most.
Mister, I'm terribly sorry.
Go to hell!
Miss, please don't!
Stop...
Stop...
No...
You shouldn't torture her
if she has done something wrong,
you should just shoot her to death!
Your hand is hurting and she is not dead yet.
It doesn't work, okay?
Don't do it next time.
Well, she is not that special ....
So beautiful...
Go away, go away...
Go away.
Your Highness.
Her name is Ruizhu
She's a part of my rare collection.
Ruizhu is unique in her sexual tricks,
and her ability to boost Yin
and Yang energies mutually with a man.
She can make any impotent man virile again.
And maintain an erection as long as he wants.
But she can only serve one man each day.
Of course, only those who have
my approval can have sex with her.
She seems interested in you.
I can give my permission
if you want to have sex with her.
Thank you, your Highness.
Hey, hold on, hold on.
My permission is granted on conditions.
I'm all ears.
First, you have to serve me for 10 years,
during which time you're on call 24-7.
If you agree, I'll let you
have a day's slot with Ruizhu.
Is that it? That's a deal.
I haven't tried even once.
Don't rush it. We have a whole day.
I'm afraid I can't keep it up the whole day.
Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
I can't hold back anymore...
Master, Wei Yangsheng and Ruizhu
aven't been out of the room all day...
They are still doing it.
Miss Tie is a well-bred lady
of excellent manners and elegance,
I chose to hang out in brothels
and cold-shoulder my lovely wife.
Hereby, we both agree to divorce each other.
From now on, each of us is free
to get married again.
I've made a serious mistake,
I'm indebted to her for her innocent love,
I really don't have any excuse.
That's enough. Put your signature down.
But my love for Miss Tie will never change.
Cut that crap, bastard!
You have been fooling around
among other women all the time,
you don't even care if your wife is sick.
You are worse than an animal.
Yuxiang,
this brush
is my favourite and was passed
on to me from my ancestors.
A broken mirror can be fixed,
but I'm afraid a broken brush can't be.
I, Weiyangshang, have decided that
I shall never paint again.
Miss.
Why doesn't Dong Mei feel the pain?
A certain level of pain
can create a pleasurable
feeling like reaching a climax.
Is that true?
Try it out and you will know.
No thanks.
Your Highness,
can I take a look at that painting?
Harder!
Harder!
The stamp is fake.
And the inscription that says
it is from the Southern Tang Dynasty
is also wrong.
Is it worthless then?
How much time is it off from Southern Tang?
It's 300 years off.
Congratulations, your Highness.
It's priceless.
This is an authentic work of Dong Ju.
This is the oldest painting on earth,
but the antique shop owner
doesn't seem to be very knowledgeable,
as to put on a fake stamp
and inscribed some bullshit on it.
Oh... what a twist!
Officially one more rare item
to my collection.
Good. Come with me.
No one can go in except The Prince.
Death is the penalty with no exception.
It hurts.
What should I give you as a reward?
What do you want?
There's nothing else I'd ask for.
Dongmei.
Congratulations, your Highness.
Do you know
what is pleasure comes through toil?
Coffin, for you.
Bird, your favourite.
Now what? Who's turn?
You have us waiting every time.
You dare to discard this one, you are so dead.
Hurry up. Don't think too much.
If I am not allowed to think,
I'd rather not play.
Which one should I discard?
Discard this one then
you have 5 chances to win. Dump ass!
Awesome!
So Big!
I want it so much!
You think she's frigid, right?
But do you know why?
She's not frigid.
The problem is you.
How can it be so small?
Hey you! Who told you to come this way?
East side is where Miss Tie's room is
You are just a servant,
you cannot come over this side.
You are fired.
I'm so sorry. It's really stupid of me
and I made a terrible mistake.
But please, don't fire me.
Dong, he has apologized.
It's no big deal.
My name is Quan Laoshi
and I thank Miss for your mercy.
Oh... you don't have to... Stand up please.
What are you standing there for?
Go take the coal balls into the storeroom NOW!
Yes. Yes, Sir.
He said he is raising
money to bury his father,
Otherwise I won't even hire him.
This money is for him.
Some tips.
Okay.
Come over here.
Miss gives you some tip.
Thank you...
Make it quick, and hurry!
Yes, I understand.
Just with muscles, but good for nothing.
You are late in everything.
Take it easy, my friend.
How can I? I'm really looking forward
to meeting this Elder of Ultimate Bliss!
He has the most mind-blowing
sex tricks in the world.
Let's go.
Shangguan Shen,
when are you going to marry your 128th wife?
Your Highness, you are joking.
Your Highness. You are late.
Sit.
Hope you are well.
Your Highness,
you said that by noon today,
that Elder of Ultimate Bliss would show up?
He is not here yet.
How dare he comes
late to your Highness' party?
As this gentleman is so desperate,
why don't you
calm his nerves by drinking with him?
Awesome.
You have a cute and interesting accessory...
I am the Elder of Ultimate Bliss
and my name is Lee Changchun.
VVow...amazing.
You're so ignorant, kid. Don't you know
the Elder of Ultimate Bliss
is an androgynous being
with extraordinary sex tricks?
I'm so pleased
to have the pleasure to eyewitness that today.
My pleasure too, your Highness.
As I've kind of overloaded
myself a little just now,
I'd like to excuse myself first
if you don't mind,
i need a break at home.
Feel free to leave.
This way, throw it here.
This way, throw it here.
Calm down, Ma'am. We don't mean to scare you.
We're here for the Elder of Ultimate Bliss.
Huh? What did you say?
They have hearing problems.
They can't hear you.
Master!
Godfather... who are they?
I'm so scared, godfather.
Godfather?
Did they call you godfather?
Why don't you kids
tell these guys how old you are?
I'm 14 .... I'm 15
I'm 16 ....
Huh?
They are the leftovers of my treatments.
Have you ever heard of boosting
the Yang by consuming the Yin?
You're saying they look that old
because you've consumed them?
Yes, I am.
Go and play.
Okay, let's go and play...
Ah.. Master....
So, why did you follow me here?
I had the honour
to see your sex trick this afternoon.
I was so amazed.
I desperately need to refine
my techniques on bed,
that's why I want to learn it from you.
I hope you can take me as your protg.
These sex tricks are strict secrets within our
sect and never disclosed to anyone outsiders.
I'm afraid I can't teach you.
I can give you everything I have.
Money is not an issue here,
if I learn a couple tricks from you,
I will have no regret for my life.
I don't mind losing all my wealth,
I'd even risk my life for them. Please!
Get up please, mister.
You're just too poorly endowed,
there's no point teaching you anything at all.
Okay, I'll teach you.
But on two conditions.
Absolutely, I'm all ears.
First,
you'd have to do one thing for me,
I'll let you know
what that is later on.
Not a problem
What's the second condition?
Your valet is quite hot. Let me consume him
to boost my own energy!
No, master. Don't.
Didn't you say you owe me so much?
Why don't you sacrifice yourself
and pay me back once and for all?
No! please! it's your chance now.
We are here to help.
No.
Do you know what this is?
What?
Ooh... Booty hurts.
It really hurts.
Someone takes him to my room.
Master!
Help! Master! No!
When can we start?
Not so soon!
Haven't you ever heard the saying that
"a worker sharpens his tools
before he can do his job well?"
Now, you'd have to go find my old friend
the medical sage Tianjizi.
I'm afraid
you have to get a new cock.
Huh? A new cock?
Can't we just take a few of those pills?
The pills still need their clinical trials,
there might be some serious side effects.
The foundation of
our sex tricks is based on studies
from Emperor Huang Di thousands of years ago.
Combined with studies from other countries,
the root is founded
on a unique breathing method.
Which makes the cock able to lift anything.
It will be able to control any woman
and gives her extreme pleasure.
Lucky! Shut up and go inside!
How can I help you?
LVly name is Wei Yangsheng.
The Elder of Ultimate Bliss
told me to come here.
May I ask if Tianjizi is here?
So you are here for my master? Yes.
But he's dead.
He's dead?
What are you here for?
I'm his second apprentice, Tiancan.
I'm his first apprentice, Dique.
Come in first.
Come on in.
Since The Elder of Ultimate Bliss
asked you to come here,
let us know how we can help.
I want to...
No fucking way. A new cock?
Who is getting a new cock?
Is someone going to get a new cock?
Hey, someone wants a new cock.
Come quickly and have a look ....
Get a new cock? What fucking new cock?
We have this book as well.
This is an advanced medical handbook.
Our master spent so much time
discussing this book with us
when he was alive.
This cock-swapping thing
has been a topic that
the three of us studied for a long time
We surely want to put it into practice.
You mean, you've never done one?
We've done it to a dog.
And my master did it once
for a man before he died.
Yes.
I guess no one is willing
to swap his cock with yours...
Can I swap it with an animal?
Theoretically, that's possible.
Which animal do you want?
I'm going for the obvious if I'm gonna do it.
People say "hung like a horse."
I want a horse cock.
Good idea. That's brilliant.
Good, a horse cock is a great thing.
Horse cock.
Are you sure you're capable
of doing the surgery?
What?
Are you discriminating against the disabled?
Before the surgery
There are two rules that
we have to strictly adhere to
First.
The surgery has to be done within
the time when an incense stick burns.
If we run late,
your newly attached cock will be useless.
Or, you'd have no cock at all.
Second.
You cannot have sex in one month,
otherwise, it'd really be useless.
Now drink this anaesthetic,
you won't feel the pain after that.
Relax,
look around and don't focus here.
It will soon be done.
Okay.
It's cut.
Don't feel it? Don't feel it, right?
Wipe the sweat.
Hey, what the hell?
By the way, how did your master die?
Oh, he failed the cock-swapping operation
And was killed by the patient.
We're physically challenged but so what?
We do ourjob well.
We are not worse than any healthy person.
Oh
The cock is squished.
What?
Do you think we can still swap it?
We're such cockheads, aren't we?
No worries, we still got time.
Why don't we put your own cock back on?
At least you have something.
That's the only way. Let's do it.
Hey, no...
Don't eat my cock!
Lucky! Hey, where are you going?
No, Lucky! Don't!
Go get him!
Open its mouth!
Grab that baby sausage!
But I need an extra hand for that.
Extra hand?
Use you mouth! Your mouth!
Use my mouth?
Hurry up!
Got it! I got it back!
But it's just this much left.
Are you sure you still want it?
What?
Gee, we're running out of time.
Either of you can give me your cock!
It won't work even if I am willing to.
If I am willing to give up my cock,
I don't have hands to do the operation.
If I give up my cock,
no one can run errands for me.
We don't have enough time. That's right.
Don't tell me it's my fate that
I have no cock.
Hey, hold it!
Is your donkey a male?
The donkey, hey!
Hey, where are you going?
If it is male,
we will buy it no matter how much.
We can repay what we owe you.
Though we lost the horse cock
but we will pay you back with a donkey's.
Drown her! She deserves it!
This is Master Tie's daughter.
Drag her out of water. Whore!
Drown her to death!
You whore,
you seduced a servant in the house...
Whore!
...which induced your father's death
You tramp! Say your last words
before being executed.
I have nothing to say.
Okay then.
Drown her again.
Throw her into the water.
Stop! Stop it! Hold it there.
I raped her.
Quan Laoshi, did you say you raped her?
Rape is a serious crime.
Don't admit it if you haven't done it.
That's right. Rape is a very serious crime.
Now listen! I DID rape her.
You're the rapist
and you'd get drowned with her. Get him!
Come on guys, go get him! Laoshi, run!
Get him. Hold him tight
Quan, I believe what you said.
For a powerful martial artist like you
to rape a flimsy lady
will be so easy.
This is so evident that you did it.
Enough said. Let's go.
Go? Yes... I tell you to go.
Mayor, you have something on your...
Take care, Mayor, take care!
Shall I get paid now?
Miss Tie,
Quan is selling you to me.
Are you okay with it?
Help! This is really huge!
This is unbelievable.
He's got guts. He really got his cock swapped.
Yes, he is my idol now.
Come...
Tell Dongmei to come over. Yes, master.
I want to have sex
with 10 women at the same time.
Come, come altogether, come.
I want it... Master Wei, take me.
Master is taking a rest inside. Miss!
You can't go in.
You saved my life
just because you want to sleep with me, right?
Now, please make it quick.
You guys leave the room now.
I want you to know,
everything I did for you was out of love.
I never force any person into doing anything,
this is my principal.
All my concubines
come here of their own accord
So, I want you to love me willingly.
If you want me to live with you willingly,
I have one condition.
I can only accept
monogamous love.
I will give every one
of you 3,000 teals of silver,
That should be enough.
You get to keep all jewellery I gave you.
I don't want the money,
I just want to stay with you.
We will not go.
Why are you driving us out?
Don't send us away.
Please...
This is the only condition on
which Yuxiang will stay and live with me.
I'd rather die than live away from you.
Stop. All of you don't have to go.
I'm actually asking them to go just now...
I think we better...
Why are you still standing here?
Come join me in serving our husband.
Understand.
Yes.
We are here for you.
Yuxiang
Yuxiang...
Yuxiang
Are you awake? Master, it's you...
Hey, old man.
Do you want to scare me to death?
Master, it's me...
it's me.
It's Chow Dong.
Are you really being
tortured so badly?
Cut the crap. Come over here.
Do you still remember that
You promised me to do one thing for me?
Yes, I do.
I want you to steal
the precious metal plate
that the First Emperor of Ming
gave to the ancestor of Prince of Ning.
Why?
Over the last couple of years,
I disguise myself as a woman
and sneak into senior officials' residences
to fool around with their kids.
Now I am a wanted person,
only this metal plate can help me.
Metal plate...is it the one
that people call it
"The Golden Plate of Death Avoidance"?
Hmm...
So...how do I steal it?
Where does The Prince
hide his most precious items?
(What a luck that they are all drunk...)
(Wow, what arrogance
to keep the key around his dick!)
(Shit! It fucking stucks!)
(Haha, can't believe it works!)
How dare you! Stealing my metal plate?
Shut up!
Your Highness
Weiyangshang has a habit of stealing,
This time you are caught at the scene.
It's all bullshit!
Did I say something wrong?
Don't you remember
How you snapped Yuxiang off me?
You really thought that
I don't hold any grudges?
You two...
Yes,
we set you up.
How dare you offend the Prince of Ning!
When did I offend the Prince of Ning?
You didn't?
When you talked behind my back
With that stupid monk in Amarus Bamboo Temple
Just like the Prince of Ning
who leads a hideously luxurious life.
He will have his retribution soon.
How can you compare a scumbag like him
to a sophisticated scholar like me?
Don't worry. I am a fair person,
after I take care of you,
I'll take care of that monk.
You will take revenge on Monk Budai?
Please don't!
Take care of your own self first.
This guy is called Quan Laoshi.
He is the flying dagger expert at the Tower,
I sent him to the Tie Mansion
to rape your wife,
which induced
your father-in-law's death of a heart attack.
And guess what? Your lovely wife
is now Shangguan's Concubine.
Just because of my small talks
You want to take revenge on me like this
and on my wife? Shut up!
You join with other scholars
and write letters
to the Emperor to criticize me.
You're just a bastard who brings sufferings
to the people of this country.
I am not afraid of death
if I can do some good to the people.
Shut up!
I am a scholar.
I will not be threatened by brute force.
Death is not a big deal...
l\/Iother Fucker! Scholar?
A scholar who just fucks women everyday
and reports me to the Emperor after fucking?
If death is no big deal then shut up!
What a loser!
Just kill me, you bastard!
Do you know how much I spent
To fix the mess you made
Lock him up! Yes
More suffering is waiting for you, loser.
Walk... get up.
You have to teach me your secret sex tricks.
I need to learn how
to give Dongmei ten orgasms in a row.
I'll let you go if you can do that.
Su... sure!
As long as your Highness spare my life.
I've offered to teach you before,
but you said you're not interested.
I still want to have my own children
well... that's kind of tough.
Tell the government
that we found someone on the wanted list here.
Hold on, hold on! Your Highness.
I heard what you say... You want the tricks
but not having no offspring.
That should be fine.
I will figure it out.
When you came here
you held tight onto this brush,
I know it must be very important to you.
I got it repaired,
Thank you so much for your care,
I'll have to return
the favour in my next life.
Yuxiang bids farewell...
Yuxiang...
If anything can possibly be done
to save your ex-husband,
I have done it already.
You are just sacrificing for nothing.
If I can die with him
together on the same day,
I have no regret.
Your Highness, where is my husband?
Come and take a look then you will know.
I admire his courage to do this to himself.
Otherwise, when the worms reach his bone,
He will die for sure.
Your Highness, I beg you,
please give him treatment.
I beg you... Why would I do that?
If you can help him,
I'd do whatever you want me to.
Please save my husband.
Sir...please....
I am just an official to the Emperor,
I'm sorry that I'm unable to help.
Hmm...I understand...
Bring the treasure that is passed on
to me by my ancestors.
Yes, master.
Open the lock. Yes Sir.
Okay. Go now. Yes.
You're still alive?
The Prince wants to see you.
Although I had snatched your love from you,
you have also separated my wife and I.
Now I may be handicapped
for the rest of my life.
Are you still angry?
Well...
We are square now.
Okay. Maybe I've done wrong,
but Monk Budai is in
his Buddhist practice for 50 years.
He is absolutely innocent,
I know you since six years old,
and we have twenty years of friendship.
Can I beg you to do one thing for me?
Please go to see Monk Budai and warn him,
that The Prince is going
to take revenge on him.
I beg you, please do me this flavour
How do you want to torture me now?
Let you see something.
This horse is fun to play with.
If you play with its tail,
The iron lotus above it
will open and close.
Look carefully!
Look carefully!
Stop!
Your Highness, it's my fault, I deserve it.
Can you punish me and let her go?
She comes and begs me to save you,
now you want me to let her go.
Are you two joining together
to fool me around.
If you can let her go, I can do anything!
If you want to kill me, that's fine!
I don't want to kill you.
Well, let's chop it off!
If you are willing to chop your penis off,
I'll let your wife go!
No problem, chop it off!
You're willing to chop your penis off?
Okay, I want to see
how you can be a man from now on.
Go and catch Tiancan and Dique.
Old monster,
do you know why I keep you alive?
Your Highness thinks I am still useful.
I will do anything you ask ....
Ruizhu.
You dare to feed me with some random pills,
I have poisonous pills too.
This pill that you have taken
will give you half day's life.
If you don't have my medication in 12 hours,
You will bleed from seven holes
and explode before you die.
You need to go to
The Amarus Bamboo Temple with Rizhu,
and use your exclusive
sexual arousing incense
to help Ruizhu to seduce
the goddemn Monk Budai.
If you finish your mission
And come back within half day,
I might give you medicine.
V\/hat if .....
You talk again I will kill you right away.
Go now!
Don't push. I can walk
Hurry up
Are you blind?
Can't you see that I am disabled?
Where are you going?
We are putting up a great show now
Get out!
Hurry out!
Stay and see
how I fool the two of them around.
I guarantee you'll feel delighted.
Save Monk Budai. Save him.
Kneel.
Save Monk Budai. Save him.
Stuff his mouth.
Save Monk Budai. Save...
You have a great cock that you can fuck
Now I want your woman
to see your cock being chopped.
Take Yuxiang here!
The Royal Guards are here.
How is the Emperor?
Your Highness. The Emperor is doing great.
We came from the Capital without stopping.
To carry out this order.
We can go now.
Your Highness, please.
Look. My dear.
My dear.
What a sweet couple in love.
I want to hear
what you havr to say to each other
from your heart.
I've divorced you.
Why do you come here to risk your life?
After you left,
I found that I cannot live without you.
But now you are risking your life
for nothing.
LVly dear, that's fine.
If I die with you at the same time,
I am satisfied.
Me too...
My sweetheart... My dear...
Very touching...
I am about to cry...
Cuff them.
Are you ready?
Your Highness, we're almost ready,
but...
although we are not great doctors,
we still have a kind heart.
We consider saving lives our duty.
The true love between them awakes
our consciousness,
to separate a loving couple
or to hurt someone's lower body
to destroy their lives?
We won't do it.
The second commandment
of our school of teaching is
that "whoever uses his knowledge to do evil,
he is disrespectful to his master.
He will be punished.
He will be hit by five thunders"
So to say, we can lose our life
and shed our blood.
We cannot change our code of standard!
People like us are just stubborn!
Just plain stubborn!
Yeah!
Well, life is
Also the art of com promising.
Your Highness, how do you want it chopped?
Slice it or cut into strips?
So you can disregard
the commandments from your master?
The first commandment is
"the knowledge must pass on".
If the first commandment
is in conflict with the second,
the first has priority.
The two of us are the only remaining students,
so we must not die.
Let's make it quick. Where do you want to cut?
Let's go.
You must keep him alive.
I ask you guys to do it
because I don't want him to die so quick.
I still want to play with him!
Yes
What's the matter?
You two go and take a look.
Yes
it's fine, Your Highness.
I... I just need a rest.
I'll be okay.
Okay.
Are you okay?
You can go back. I am fine.
Go, go... Yes.
Who are you? How dare you
coming here without permission?
We have the Emperor's order
to arrest The Prince of Ning.
Put down your weapons,
or else, you'll be killed.
Your husband is about to lose his cock.
He cannot have sex
with you for the rest for his life.
Yuxiang, I am so sorry to you...
Cut it
Bite it tight.
My dear husband,
even if we cannot make love anymore,
It is not important.
As long as I know that
you love me,
And that's the greatest satisfaction.
They can kill us,
but they cannot separate our hearts.
My dear husband, I love you!
Abbot!
Who is it?
My master is Weiyangshang.
He sent me here to bring
some Buddha books to you.
Your master has a kind heart.
Please tell him I am very thankful.
Not a problem. Abbot, I am leaving now.
What's the matter...
Are you okay?
So...is it okay
...to let Yuxiang go....
Let her go?
I am a man of my word.
I haven't played enough of her.
Let her go! You bastard!
This is an iron Chastity belt
made by the first Jin Emperor.
In the world, except with this key in my hand,
no one can open it.
I'm going to put the belt on her.
From now on, she is unable to have sex
for the rest of her life.
No one can even touch her.
You are an animal! Scumbag!
Go away, loser.
Since you don't have your cock anymore,
I'll fuck her well for you.
I'll kill you.
I am going to fuck her now.
Stop!
Tianchan.
Go.
You really piss us off.
Stop.
Dique.
Disabled but not useless.
Both of us are disabled for our life.
You are different. You will get punished.
Punished?
Retribution?
Who dares to stop me anymore!
I am going to fuck your wife now!
That's odd.
You don't seem sick from your pulses.
But... Venerable Sir.
It really hurts in my stomach.
Now you're in such pain,
I have to get someone to help you...
You don't have to get help.
In fact, I've had this weird sickness
ever since I was a child
On the first day of every month,
and whenever there's a full moon,
my stomach hurts like hell inexplicably.
How can there be such
a weird sickness in this world!
But my pain will go away
if Venerable Sir would help me.
If you warms my tummy up with yours,
the pain will be alleviated
Huh? I've never heard of
such treatment all my life.
Never.
Venerable Sir, just like this.
Yes, just like this.
If you are feeling better, you can get up now.
Not so soon, Venerable Sir.
Just hang in there for a bit longer.
I'm gonna be okay soon.
Could you please?
What?
Where did the flying dagger come from?
No, please get up.
Why are you taking off your clothes?
You are a woman!
Excuse me.
What are you doing? Are you blind?
That's so rude. Excuse me.
Help!
Help!
What are you doing?
Stop, please stop. You ....
What are you doing?
Get away from me.
Form is emptiness, emptiness is form...
He threw the flying daggers. Catch him.
Run...
I fed your wife so well.
I will kill you!
She is not that much fun
Put the Chastity belt on
Form is emptiness, emptiness is form...
Namo Amitabha.
Form is emptiness, emptiness is form...
Abbot, are you all empty now?
Namo Amitabha.
Form is emptiness, emptiness is form...
Namo Amitabha.
You won't be able to open it
for the rest of your life.
LVly dear wife,
do you still remember?
A picture comes to life
with the artist's exquisite strokes
The most wonderful moment of my life
Is the day when I first met you,
I've been with many women.
Every night I sleep on human praying mat,
what I've learnt is
that physical pleasure is not real joy.
Real love is the most valuable.
My sweetheart.
My dear.
Your Highness.
The Emperor has sent his Royal Guard
to arrest you.
They said you are helping
a wanted man to hide.
Your Highness, please leave now!
Fine, you go first!
Thank you, Your Highness...
See who still wants to go!
Go
Abbot...
The Abbot killed himself for some reason!
Abbot!
Abbot!
My 50 years of Buddhist practice
and prayer are all ruined in one night.
I can't rest in peace.
Abbot...
Abbot died
because of the two people who were just here.
Even Buddha is angry this time!
Catch him! Yes!
Go!
Abbot Abbot... Abbot...
Catch him! Catch him!
Chop me?
You will never have the chance in your life
Don't go. Stand Still. Stop there.
Don't go. Stand Still.
Are you okay?
Stand Still.
Catch them.
Don't go.
What's going on? What is it?
What happened to him?
Weiyangshang, you are my friend.
Why did you bad-mouth me?
And criticized me in front of the emperor?
Why are you laughing?
What are you laughing at?
I will kill your wife now.
The Emperor's order is to arrest
The Prince of Ning.
Yuxiang .....
Get him now.
Did you see this? The Metal Plate!
Who dares to arrest me?
Kneel down now,
or I will kill his whole family!
Chief Official?
Even with the Emperor's order,
what can you do?
Traitor.
I am killing him in front of you.
Please find a way to help...
I am just a government official. I can't help...
I am going to kill you now.
You shot me?!
Fuck, how could you miss?!
I will chop your penis off!
Arrest them all. Yes.
My sweetheart.
My dear husband.
My dear husband... lVly dear husband
First bow.
Second bow, third bow.
Please drink tea.
After drinking this tea,
you are blessed with fortune.
This couple are in their 90s,
they have been happily married for decades.
They come here to give you blessings.
Mr. and Mrs. Good Fortune.
Greetings.
Good.
I will give you a red packet later on.
May I ask,
how can you stay in love for decades.
Because I love her dearly.
But, from what I can see,
I dare say you haven't had sex
for a long time.
If you don't make, you won't have love, right?
Chastity belt?
When we were your age,
we were unable to do it already.
My dear, there are so many people here.
That's embarrassing.
Young man, it doesn't matter
if you can do it or not,
you will understand as time goes by.
Let's take a walk.
Okay.
Fuck, what nonsense. How werid.
If your love fades I will just let go
Haunting memories only turn us old
on the Condensing Cliff
is the most renowned temple on Emei Mountain.
It is especially popular among people
from Western Sichuan.
It is in its incense heyday.
The Guanyin Hall on the right houses
a Bodhisattva statue
designed by the famous artist Wu Daozi
which dates back to 800 years ago.
The Guanyin is known to have answered
to faithful's prayers positively.
Thus, there are countless believers
kneeling and praying to the statue,
asking for a son, health,
or evil spirits to be warded off.
Go away, go!
Get out!
This is crazy. What's going on?
How dare he blaspheme against Guanyin!
You will be damned by the Gods!
Beat him... beat him to death!
This is sacrilegious
Let's go...
What is true happiness?
Happiness today is the cause of future misery.
Future misery is the result
of the happiness today.
Having said that,
I still prefer happiness today.
Just like the Prince of Ning
who leads a hideously luxurious life.
He collects the world's most
precious objects and people.
But do you think he's happy?
While he gratifies his endless desire,
cries of discontent arise among the people.
How could he be happy and at ease
while his people are suffering?
How can you compare a scumbag like him
to a sophisticated scholar like me?
I won't just let go of this incident.
Lin, don't you think
we're too young to get married?
We still haven't fooled around enough.
I'm sure you'd regret it.
If I have a lovely wife,
I wouldn't mind to lose some of my freedom.
Just go and take a look.
You don't have to marry him
if you don't like him.
I'm not getting married.
Master,
Mister Lin is waiting in the sitting room.
I don't care!
You have to go anyways.
Just to see for yourself.
Miss, you really have nothing to lose.
No, I'm not going.
But Mr. Tie is such a square,
I'm sure his daughter must be a bore,
and your sex life is likely to be...
Miss, come quick... Don't disturb me
My dearest Lin, how's your father doing?
He's doing great.
This is Wei Yangsheng, a good friend of mine.
He comes to keep me company.
Lin, I'm so sorry.
My daughter refuses to come out.
I haven't brought her up well enough.
You made a trip here but I'm afraid
you're not meeting her this time
In this case, let's get going.
We're actually kind of busy.
Come on, let's go. Oh, goodbye then
Master,
Miss is on her way out to meet the guests.
Now that Miss Tie is here,
I guess we should stay a while.
Okay.
As my daughter
lost her mother at an early age,
she is spoiled.
For matters about herself,
she always has to make her own decisions.
Dad, I only decide on trivial matters.
But marriage is a big thing
and of course, I'll leave it to dad,
for a woman should comply with
the Three Obediences and Four Virtues, right?
My daughter is still not married
all these years
because she is my only kid,
And my son-in-law
has to marry into our family.
The maid is so beautiful.
Their first son has to use our surname,
such conditions turn many men away.
Well... but I'm the only son in the family.
So were my father and grandfather...
Throughout 7 generations, all my patriarchal
ancestors are the only sons in the family.
But if I have the honour
to marry a lady like Miss Tie,
I don't mind marrying into the Tie's.
Okay, I've made up my mind.
I'll marry into the Tie's.
All my children will bear your last name.
I've also made up my mind.
Even my grandchildren can bear your last name.
But...
I approached Lin's parents first
and I have to stick to that.
So ....
Can I borrow a piece of paper?
Miss, he is really talented.
Here's a clumsy painting of mine,
I hope Mr. Tie and Miss Tie
could give some comments.
A picture comes to life with
the artist's exquisite strokes
Her eyes watery and sparkling, her lips red
Like a woman straight out
of Song Yu's prose poem
Miss Dong next door,
showing only her torso above the wall
Dad, I have made up my mind.
I will marry no one other than Wei Yangsheng.
And I'll also marry
no one other than Miss Tie.
Well...congratulationsm
Let me introduce a good friend of mine.
This is Scholar Shangguan Shun.
My good friend \/Veiyangshang.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Master wants you to see him.
Excuse me.
They are Mr. and Mrs. Good Fortune
They are in their 90s,
and have been happily
married for more than 70 years.
Master invited them to give you blessings.
Mr. and Mrs. Good Fortune,
hope you are all well.
Good, we will give you a red pocket later.
My dear, look at you.
You have food all over you.
Excuse me,
you two have been married for decades.
How can you
still be so loving to each other?
I don't know.
I just know that I love her very much
And when we say "make love",
you have to make, to have love
I guess...you haven't made love for many years?
How can you still be in love?
It is no big deal not being able to make love.
You will understand when time goes by.
Shit.
The groom and the bride kneel
to the Heaven and Earth...
So cool!
Wait a minute.
My dear, will it hurt?
It will hurt, but it feels extremely awesome.
Thank god it didn't hurt. But...
I wouldn't call it awesome either...
I have to admit that
there is room for improvement.
I guess I need more practice,
improvement is absolutely possible.
Did you see it?
No. I blinked and it's over.
You hate Prince of Ning so much,
why do you want me
to bring you to the Tower of Rarities?
If I don't go in the tiger's den,
how can I collect his crime evidence?
Oh yes, good point ....
Your Highness,
I brought my best friend here today.
I guess you don't need me
to explain the rules here, do you?
Before I enter the tower, I have to make
a contribution to the collection.
I do understand.
This is from my father's collection.
I know it's not anything near a rarity.
It's not hard to find a coral this big,
but it's quite rare to see one
that big in bright red colour.
Bring over a few of those corals
that are to be packed into the store room.
Let them take a look.
You think a piece of junk of such calibre
could get you in the Tower of Rarities?
Now you can pick any one of these rejects
as your compensation.
And don't ever come back again, okay?
My ignorance has disgraced myself.
I'm in no position to accept
any generous gift from your Highness.
I'd better get going.
I thought I've had a taste
of your Highness' collection.
But I didn't expect to see a counterfeit
hung on the wall as if it's real.
This painting has been verified
by many connoisseurs.
The paper, ink and the brush are all
from the Tang Dynasty,
even the brushstrokes are signature of Wu's.
On what grounds do you think it's counterfeit?
Cut open the border,
you'd see the painting is made
up of two layers of paper.
The ingenious thing about this counterfeit
is the use of rare ancient paper for tracing.
The rice paper on top
was used to trace the brushstrokes of Wu.
But the backing sheet underneath
is Chengxintang paper from the last reign
of the Southern Tang Kingdom.
You'd see plum blossom-shaped
watermarks on the backing paper.
The two were over two hundred years apart,
then how can it be real?
Your insight is a rarity good enough
to get you in the Tower.
Thank you.
Look.
It's a horse.
Stroke the horse.
Is it .....
This is the legendary Blood-sweating Horse.
Ha .... very amazing!
But nothing compares
to the Pavilion of Ultimate Bliss.
You have to take some Wushi Powder
before you get in though.
After taking "Five Stone Powder"
you will have ecstasy
Everything merges wih illusions
Let's drink.
I drink again?
Yes, your turn.
Don't go.
Let me catch you, and you will be dead.
Do you know him?
That's Shangguan Shen.
He was one of my guests
at my wedding
Shangguan Shen is my guest,
I let him in because
he has altogether 127 wives and concubines.
Apart from the Emperor His Majesty,
he has the most wives and concubines on earth.
But...
They aren't good looking at all.
Let me make a mark on your neck.
The most beautiful woman in the world.
Skin fair like icy snow.
Demeanour like the autumn water.
Bones like jade.
A fraction of an inch
taller would be too tall.
A fraction of an inch shorter
would be too short.
This is the most discerning
connoisseur in the world.
She is the walking
example of perfect proportion.
The flawless exemplar of the word beauty,
but I admire her personality most.
Mister, I'm terribly sorry.
Go to hell!
Miss, please don't!
Stop...
Stop...
No...
You shouldn't torture her
if she has done something wrong,
you should just shoot her to death!
Your hand is hurting and she is not dead yet.
It doesn't work, okay?
Don't do it next time.
Well, she is not that special ....
So beautiful...
Go away, go away...
Go away.
Your Highness.
Her name is Ruizhu
She's a part of my rare collection.
Ruizhu is unique in her sexual tricks,
and her ability to boost Yin
and Yang energies mutually with a man.
She can make any impotent man virile again.
And maintain an erection as long as he wants.
But she can only serve one man each day.
Of course, only those who have
my approval can have sex with her.
She seems interested in you.
I can give my permission
if you want to have sex with her.
Thank you, your Highness.
Hey, hold on, hold on.
My permission is granted on conditions.
I'm all ears.
First, you have to serve me for 10 years,
during which time you're on call 24-7.
If you agree, I'll let you
have a day's slot with Ruizhu.
Is that it? That's a deal.
I haven't tried even once.
Don't rush it. We have a whole day.
I'm afraid I can't keep it up the whole day.
Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
I can't hold back anymore...
Master, Wei Yangsheng and Ruizhu
aven't been out of the room all day...
They are still doing it.
Miss Tie is a well-bred lady
of excellent manners and elegance,
I chose to hang out in brothels
and cold-shoulder my lovely wife.
Hereby, we both agree to divorce each other.
From now on, each of us is free
to get married again.
I've made a serious mistake,
I'm indebted to her for her innocent love,
I really don't have any excuse.
That's enough. Put your signature down.
But my love for Miss Tie will never change.
Cut that crap, bastard!
You have been fooling around
among other women all the time,
you don't even care if your wife is sick.
You are worse than an animal.
Yuxiang,
this brush
is my favourite and was passed
on to me from my ancestors.
A broken mirror can be fixed,
but I'm afraid a broken brush can't be.
I, Weiyangshang, have decided that
I shall never paint again.
Miss.
Why doesn't Dong Mei feel the pain?
A certain level of pain
can create a pleasurable
feeling like reaching a climax.
Is that true?
Try it out and you will know.
No thanks.
Your Highness,
can I take a look at that painting?
Harder!
Harder!
The stamp is fake.
And the inscription that says
it is from the Southern Tang Dynasty
is also wrong.
Is it worthless then?
How much time is it off from Southern Tang?
It's 300 years off.
Congratulations, your Highness.
It's priceless.
This is an authentic work of Dong Ju.
This is the oldest painting on earth,
but the antique shop owner
doesn't seem to be very knowledgeable,
as to put on a fake stamp
and inscribed some bullshit on it.
Oh... what a twist!
Officially one more rare item
to my collection.
Good. Come with me.
No one can go in except The Prince.
Death is the penalty with no exception.
It hurts.
What should I give you as a reward?
What do you want?
There's nothing else I'd ask for.
Dongmei.
Congratulations, your Highness.
Do you know
what is pleasure comes through toil?
Coffin, for you.
Bird, your favourite.
Now what? Who's turn?
You have us waiting every time.
You dare to discard this one, you are so dead.
Hurry up. Don't think too much.
If I am not allowed to think,
I'd rather not play.
Which one should I discard?
Discard this one then
you have 5 chances to win. Dump ass!
Awesome!
So Big!
I want it so much!
You think she's frigid, right?
But do you know why?
She's not frigid.
The problem is you.
How can it be so small?
Hey you! Who told you to come this way?
East side is where Miss Tie's room is
You are just a servant,
you cannot come over this side.
You are fired.
I'm so sorry. It's really stupid of me
and I made a terrible mistake.
But please, don't fire me.
Dong, he has apologized.
It's no big deal.
My name is Quan Laoshi
and I thank Miss for your mercy.
Oh... you don't have to... Stand up please.
What are you standing there for?
Go take the coal balls into the storeroom NOW!
Yes. Yes, Sir.
He said he is raising
money to bury his father,
Otherwise I won't even hire him.
This money is for him.
Some tips.
Okay.
Come over here.
Miss gives you some tip.
Thank you...
Make it quick, and hurry!
Yes, I understand.
Just with muscles, but good for nothing.
You are late in everything.
Take it easy, my friend.
How can I? I'm really looking forward
to meeting this Elder of Ultimate Bliss!
He has the most mind-blowing
sex tricks in the world.
Let's go.
Shangguan Shen,
when are you going to marry your 128th wife?
Your Highness, you are joking.
Your Highness. You are late.
Sit.
Hope you are well.
Your Highness,
you said that by noon today,
that Elder of Ultimate Bliss would show up?
He is not here yet.
How dare he comes
late to your Highness' party?
As this gentleman is so desperate,
why don't you
calm his nerves by drinking with him?
Awesome.
You have a cute and interesting accessory...
I am the Elder of Ultimate Bliss
and my name is Lee Changchun.
VVow...amazing.
You're so ignorant, kid. Don't you know
the Elder of Ultimate Bliss
is an androgynous being
with extraordinary sex tricks?
I'm so pleased
to have the pleasure to eyewitness that today.
My pleasure too, your Highness.
As I've kind of overloaded
myself a little just now,
I'd like to excuse myself first
if you don't mind,
i need a break at home.
Feel free to leave.
This way, throw it here.
This way, throw it here.
Calm down, Ma'am. We don't mean to scare you.
We're here for the Elder of Ultimate Bliss.
Huh? What did you say?
They have hearing problems.
They can't hear you.
Master!
Godfather... who are they?
I'm so scared, godfather.
Godfather?
Did they call you godfather?
Why don't you kids
tell these guys how old you are?
I'm 14 .... I'm 15
I'm 16 ....
Huh?
They are the leftovers of my treatments.
Have you ever heard of boosting
the Yang by consuming the Yin?
You're saying they look that old
because you've consumed them?
Yes, I am.
Go and play.
Okay, let's go and play...
Ah.. Master....
So, why did you follow me here?
I had the honour
to see your sex trick this afternoon.
I was so amazed.
I desperately need to refine
my techniques on bed,
that's why I want to learn it from you.
I hope you can take me as your protg.
These sex tricks are strict secrets within our
sect and never disclosed to anyone outsiders.
I'm afraid I can't teach you.
I can give you everything I have.
Money is not an issue here,
if I learn a couple tricks from you,
I will have no regret for my life.
I don't mind losing all my wealth,
I'd even risk my life for them. Please!
Get up please, mister.
You're just too poorly endowed,
there's no point teaching you anything at all.
Okay, I'll teach you.
But on two conditions.
Absolutely, I'm all ears.
First,
you'd have to do one thing for me,
I'll let you know
what that is later on.
Not a problem
What's the second condition?
Your valet is quite hot. Let me consume him
to boost my own energy!
No, master. Don't.
Didn't you say you owe me so much?
Why don't you sacrifice yourself
and pay me back once and for all?
No! please! it's your chance now.
We are here to help.
No.
Do you know what this is?
What?
Ooh... Booty hurts.
It really hurts.
Someone takes him to my room.
Master!
Help! Master! No!
When can we start?
Not so soon!
Haven't you ever heard the saying that
"a worker sharpens his tools
before he can do his job well?"
Now, you'd have to go find my old friend
the medical sage Tianjizi.
I'm afraid
you have to get a new cock.
Huh? A new cock?
Can't we just take a few of those pills?
The pills still need their clinical trials,
there might be some serious side effects.
The foundation of
our sex tricks is based on studies
from Emperor Huang Di thousands of years ago.
Combined with studies from other countries,
the root is founded
on a unique breathing method.
Which makes the cock able to lift anything.
It will be able to control any woman
and gives her extreme pleasure.
Lucky! Shut up and go inside!
How can I help you?
LVly name is Wei Yangsheng.
The Elder of Ultimate Bliss
told me to come here.
May I ask if Tianjizi is here?
So you are here for my master? Yes.
But he's dead.
He's dead?
What are you here for?
I'm his second apprentice, Tiancan.
I'm his first apprentice, Dique.
Come in first.
Come on in.
Since The Elder of Ultimate Bliss
asked you to come here,
let us know how we can help.
I want to...
No fucking way. A new cock?
Who is getting a new cock?
Is someone going to get a new cock?
Hey, someone wants a new cock.
Come quickly and have a look ....
Get a new cock? What fucking new cock?
We have this book as well.
This is an advanced medical handbook.
Our master spent so much time
discussing this book with us
when he was alive.
This cock-swapping thing
has been a topic that
the three of us studied for a long time
We surely want to put it into practice.
You mean, you've never done one?
We've done it to a dog.
And my master did it once
for a man before he died.
Yes.
I guess no one is willing
to swap his cock with yours...
Can I swap it with an animal?
Theoretically, that's possible.
Which animal do you want?
I'm going for the obvious if I'm gonna do it.
People say "hung like a horse."
I want a horse cock.
Good idea. That's brilliant.
Good, a horse cock is a great thing.
Horse cock.
Are you sure you're capable
of doing the surgery?
What?
Are you discriminating against the disabled?
Before the surgery
There are two rules that
we have to strictly adhere to
First.
The surgery has to be done within
the time when an incense stick burns.
If we run late,
your newly attached cock will be useless.
Or, you'd have no cock at all.
Second.
You cannot have sex in one month,
otherwise, it'd really be useless.
Now drink this anaesthetic,
you won't feel the pain after that.
Relax,
look around and don't focus here.
It will soon be done.
Okay.
It's cut.
Don't feel it? Don't feel it, right?
Wipe the sweat.
Hey, what the hell?
By the way, how did your master die?
Oh, he failed the cock-swapping operation
And was killed by the patient.
We're physically challenged but so what?
We do ourjob well.
We are not worse than any healthy person.
Oh
The cock is squished.
What?
Do you think we can still swap it?
We're such cockheads, aren't we?
No worries, we still got time.
Why don't we put your own cock back on?
At least you have something.
That's the only way. Let's do it.
Hey, no...
Don't eat my cock!
Lucky! Hey, where are you going?
No, Lucky! Don't!
Go get him!
Open its mouth!
Grab that baby sausage!
But I need an extra hand for that.
Extra hand?
Use you mouth! Your mouth!
Use my mouth?
Hurry up!
Got it! I got it back!
But it's just this much left.
Are you sure you still want it?
What?
Gee, we're running out of time.
Either of you can give me your cock!
It won't work even if I am willing to.
If I am willing to give up my cock,
I don't have hands to do the operation.
If I give up my cock,
no one can run errands for me.
We don't have enough time. That's right.
Don't tell me it's my fate that
I have no cock.
Hey, hold it!
Is your donkey a male?
The donkey, hey!
Hey, where are you going?
If it is male,
we will buy it no matter how much.
We can repay what we owe you.
Though we lost the horse cock
but we will pay you back with a donkey's.
Drown her! She deserves it!
This is Master Tie's daughter.
Drag her out of water. Whore!
Drown her to death!
You whore,
you seduced a servant in the house...
Whore!
...which induced your father's death
You tramp! Say your last words
before being executed.
I have nothing to say.
Okay then.
Drown her again.
Throw her into the water.
Stop! Stop it! Hold it there.
I raped her.
Quan Laoshi, did you say you raped her?
Rape is a serious crime.
Don't admit it if you haven't done it.
That's right. Rape is a very serious crime.
Now listen! I DID rape her.
You're the rapist
and you'd get drowned with her. Get him!
Come on guys, go get him! Laoshi, run!
Get him. Hold him tight
Quan, I believe what you said.
For a powerful martial artist like you
to rape a flimsy lady
will be so easy.
This is so evident that you did it.
Enough said. Let's go.
Go? Yes... I tell you to go.
Mayor, you have something on your...
Take care, Mayor, take care!
Shall I get paid now?
Miss Tie,
Quan is selling you to me.
Are you okay with it?
Help! This is really huge!
This is unbelievable.
He's got guts. He really got his cock swapped.
Yes, he is my idol now.
Come...
Tell Dongmei to come over. Yes, master.
I want to have sex
with 10 women at the same time.
Come, come altogether, come.
I want it... Master Wei, take me.
Master is taking a rest inside. Miss!
You can't go in.
You saved my life
just because you want to sleep with me, right?
Now, please make it quick.
You guys leave the room now.
I want you to know,
everything I did for you was out of love.
I never force any person into doing anything,
this is my principal.
All my concubines
come here of their own accord
So, I want you to love me willingly.
If you want me to live with you willingly,
I have one condition.
I can only accept
monogamous love.
I will give every one
of you 3,000 teals of silver,
That should be enough.
You get to keep all jewellery I gave you.
I don't want the money,
I just want to stay with you.
We will not go.
Why are you driving us out?
Don't send us away.
Please...
This is the only condition on
which Yuxiang will stay and live with me.
I'd rather die than live away from you.
Stop. All of you don't have to go.
I'm actually asking them to go just now...
I think we better...
Why are you still standing here?
Come join me in serving our husband.
Understand.
Yes.
We are here for you.
Yuxiang
Yuxiang...
Yuxiang
Are you awake? Master, it's you...
Hey, old man.
Do you want to scare me to death?
Master, it's me...
it's me.
It's Chow Dong.
Are you really being
tortured so badly?
Cut the crap. Come over here.
Do you still remember that
You promised me to do one thing for me?
Yes, I do.
I want you to steal
the precious metal plate
that the First Emperor of Ming
gave to the ancestor of Prince of Ning.
Why?
Over the last couple of years,
I disguise myself as a woman
and sneak into senior officials' residences
to fool around with their kids.
Now I am a wanted person,
only this metal plate can help me.
Metal plate...is it the one
that people call it
"The Golden Plate of Death Avoidance"?
Hmm...
So...how do I steal it?
Where does The Prince
hide his most precious items?
(What a luck that they are all drunk...)
(Wow, what arrogance
to keep the key around his dick!)
(Shit! It fucking stucks!)
(Haha, can't believe it works!)
How dare you! Stealing my metal plate?
Shut up!
Your Highness
Weiyangshang has a habit of stealing,
This time you are caught at the scene.
It's all bullshit!
Did I say something wrong?
Don't you remember
How you snapped Yuxiang off me?
You really thought that
I don't hold any grudges?
You two...
Yes,
we set you up.
How dare you offend the Prince of Ning!
When did I offend the Prince of Ning?
You didn't?
When you talked behind my back
With that stupid monk in Amarus Bamboo Temple
Just like the Prince of Ning
who leads a hideously luxurious life.
He will have his retribution soon.
How can you compare a scumbag like him
to a sophisticated scholar like me?
Don't worry. I am a fair person,
after I take care of you,
I'll take care of that monk.
You will take revenge on Monk Budai?
Please don't!
Take care of your own self first.
This guy is called Quan Laoshi.
He is the flying dagger expert at the Tower,
I sent him to the Tie Mansion
to rape your wife,
which induced
your father-in-law's death of a heart attack.
And guess what? Your lovely wife
is now Shangguan's Concubine.
Just because of my small talks
You want to take revenge on me like this
and on my wife? Shut up!
You join with other scholars
and write letters
to the Emperor to criticize me.
You're just a bastard who brings sufferings
to the people of this country.
I am not afraid of death
if I can do some good to the people.
Shut up!
I am a scholar.
I will not be threatened by brute force.
Death is not a big deal...
l\/Iother Fucker! Scholar?
A scholar who just fucks women everyday
and reports me to the Emperor after fucking?
If death is no big deal then shut up!
What a loser!
Just kill me, you bastard!
Do you know how much I spent
To fix the mess you made
Lock him up! Yes
More suffering is waiting for you, loser.
Walk... get up.
You have to teach me your secret sex tricks.
I need to learn how
to give Dongmei ten orgasms in a row.
I'll let you go if you can do that.
Su... sure!
As long as your Highness spare my life.
I've offered to teach you before,
but you said you're not interested.
I still want to have my own children
well... that's kind of tough.
Tell the government
that we found someone on the wanted list here.
Hold on, hold on! Your Highness.
I heard what you say... You want the tricks
but not having no offspring.
That should be fine.
I will figure it out.
When you came here
you held tight onto this brush,
I know it must be very important to you.
I got it repaired,
Thank you so much for your care,
I'll have to return
the favour in my next life.
Yuxiang bids farewell...
Yuxiang...
If anything can possibly be done
to save your ex-husband,
I have done it already.
You are just sacrificing for nothing.
If I can die with him
together on the same day,
I have no regret.
Your Highness, where is my husband?
Come and take a look then you will know.
I admire his courage to do this to himself.
Otherwise, when the worms reach his bone,
He will die for sure.
Your Highness, I beg you,
please give him treatment.
I beg you... Why would I do that?
If you can help him,
I'd do whatever you want me to.
Please save my husband.
Sir...please....
I am just an official to the Emperor,
I'm sorry that I'm unable to help.
Hmm...I understand...
Bring the treasure that is passed on
to me by my ancestors.
Yes, master.
Open the lock. Yes Sir.
Okay. Go now. Yes.
You're still alive?
The Prince wants to see you.
Although I had snatched your love from you,
you have also separated my wife and I.
Now I may be handicapped
for the rest of my life.
Are you still angry?
Well...
We are square now.
Okay. Maybe I've done wrong,
but Monk Budai is in
his Buddhist practice for 50 years.
He is absolutely innocent,
I know you since six years old,
and we have twenty years of friendship.
Can I beg you to do one thing for me?
Please go to see Monk Budai and warn him,
that The Prince is going
to take revenge on him.
I beg you, please do me this flavour
How do you want to torture me now?
Let you see something.
This horse is fun to play with.
If you play with its tail,
The iron lotus above it
will open and close.
Look carefully!
Look carefully!
Stop!
Your Highness, it's my fault, I deserve it.
Can you punish me and let her go?
She comes and begs me to save you,
now you want me to let her go.
Are you two joining together
to fool me around.
If you can let her go, I can do anything!
If you want to kill me, that's fine!
I don't want to kill you.
Well, let's chop it off!
If you are willing to chop your penis off,
I'll let your wife go!
No problem, chop it off!
You're willing to chop your penis off?
Okay, I want to see
how you can be a man from now on.
Go and catch Tiancan and Dique.
Old monster,
do you know why I keep you alive?
Your Highness thinks I am still useful.
I will do anything you ask ....
Ruizhu.
You dare to feed me with some random pills,
I have poisonous pills too.
This pill that you have taken
will give you half day's life.
If you don't have my medication in 12 hours,
You will bleed from seven holes
and explode before you die.
You need to go to
The Amarus Bamboo Temple with Rizhu,
and use your exclusive
sexual arousing incense
to help Ruizhu to seduce
the goddemn Monk Budai.
If you finish your mission
And come back within half day,
I might give you medicine.
V\/hat if .....
You talk again I will kill you right away.
Go now!
Don't push. I can walk
Hurry up
Are you blind?
Can't you see that I am disabled?
Where are you going?
We are putting up a great show now
Get out!
Hurry out!
Stay and see
how I fool the two of them around.
I guarantee you'll feel delighted.
Save Monk Budai. Save him.
Kneel.
Save Monk Budai. Save him.
Stuff his mouth.
Save Monk Budai. Save...
You have a great cock that you can fuck
Now I want your woman
to see your cock being chopped.
Take Yuxiang here!
The Royal Guards are here.
How is the Emperor?
Your Highness. The Emperor is doing great.
We came from the Capital without stopping.
To carry out this order.
We can go now.
Your Highness, please.
Look. My dear.
My dear.
What a sweet couple in love.
I want to hear
what you havr to say to each other
from your heart.
I've divorced you.
Why do you come here to risk your life?
After you left,
I found that I cannot live without you.
But now you are risking your life
for nothing.
LVly dear, that's fine.
If I die with you at the same time,
I am satisfied.
Me too...
My sweetheart... My dear...
Very touching...
I am about to cry...
Cuff them.
Are you ready?
Your Highness, we're almost ready,
but...
although we are not great doctors,
we still have a kind heart.
We consider saving lives our duty.
The true love between them awakes
our consciousness,
to separate a loving couple
or to hurt someone's lower body
to destroy their lives?
We won't do it.
The second commandment
of our school of teaching is
that "whoever uses his knowledge to do evil,
he is disrespectful to his master.
He will be punished.
He will be hit by five thunders"
So to say, we can lose our life
and shed our blood.
We cannot change our code of standard!
People like us are just stubborn!
Just plain stubborn!
Yeah!
Well, life is
Also the art of com promising.
Your Highness, how do you want it chopped?
Slice it or cut into strips?
So you can disregard
the commandments from your master?
The first commandment is
"the knowledge must pass on".
If the first commandment
is in conflict with the second,
the first has priority.
The two of us are the only remaining students,
so we must not die.
Let's make it quick. Where do you want to cut?
Let's go.
You must keep him alive.
I ask you guys to do it
because I don't want him to die so quick.
I still want to play with him!
Yes
What's the matter?
You two go and take a look.
Yes
it's fine, Your Highness.
I... I just need a rest.
I'll be okay.
Okay.
Are you okay?
You can go back. I am fine.
Go, go... Yes.
Who are you? How dare you
coming here without permission?
We have the Emperor's order
to arrest The Prince of Ning.
Put down your weapons,
or else, you'll be killed.
Your husband is about to lose his cock.
He cannot have sex
with you for the rest for his life.
Yuxiang, I am so sorry to you...
Cut it
Bite it tight.
My dear husband,
even if we cannot make love anymore,
It is not important.
As long as I know that
you love me,
And that's the greatest satisfaction.
They can kill us,
but they cannot separate our hearts.
My dear husband, I love you!
Abbot!
Who is it?
My master is Weiyangshang.
He sent me here to bring
some Buddha books to you.
Your master has a kind heart.
Please tell him I am very thankful.
Not a problem. Abbot, I am leaving now.
What's the matter...
Are you okay?
So...is it okay
...to let Yuxiang go....
Let her go?
I am a man of my word.
I haven't played enough of her.
Let her go! You bastard!
This is an iron Chastity belt
made by the first Jin Emperor.
In the world, except with this key in my hand,
no one can open it.
I'm going to put the belt on her.
From now on, she is unable to have sex
for the rest of her life.
No one can even touch her.
You are an animal! Scumbag!
Go away, loser.
Since you don't have your cock anymore,
I'll fuck her well for you.
I'll kill you.
I am going to fuck her now.
Stop!
Tianchan.
Go.
You really piss us off.
Stop.
Dique.
Disabled but not useless.
Both of us are disabled for our life.
You are different. You will get punished.
Punished?
Retribution?
Who dares to stop me anymore!
I am going to fuck your wife now!
That's odd.
You don't seem sick from your pulses.
But... Venerable Sir.
It really hurts in my stomach.
Now you're in such pain,
I have to get someone to help you...
You don't have to get help.
In fact, I've had this weird sickness
ever since I was a child
On the first day of every month,
and whenever there's a full moon,
my stomach hurts like hell inexplicably.
How can there be such
a weird sickness in this world!
But my pain will go away
if Venerable Sir would help me.
If you warms my tummy up with yours,
the pain will be alleviated
Huh? I've never heard of
such treatment all my life.
Never.
Venerable Sir, just like this.
Yes, just like this.
If you are feeling better, you can get up now.
Not so soon, Venerable Sir.
Just hang in there for a bit longer.
I'm gonna be okay soon.
Could you please?
What?
Where did the flying dagger come from?
No, please get up.
Why are you taking off your clothes?
You are a woman!
Excuse me.
What are you doing? Are you blind?
That's so rude. Excuse me.
Help!
Help!
What are you doing?
Stop, please stop. You ....
What are you doing?
Get away from me.
Form is emptiness, emptiness is form...
He threw the flying daggers. Catch him.
Run...
I fed your wife so well.
I will kill you!
She is not that much fun
Put the Chastity belt on
Form is emptiness, emptiness is form...
Namo Amitabha.
Form is emptiness, emptiness is form...
Abbot, are you all empty now?
Namo Amitabha.
Form is emptiness, emptiness is form...
Namo Amitabha.
You won't be able to open it
for the rest of your life.
LVly dear wife,
do you still remember?
A picture comes to life
with the artist's exquisite strokes
The most wonderful moment of my life
Is the day when I first met you,
I've been with many women.
Every night I sleep on human praying mat,
what I've learnt is
that physical pleasure is not real joy.
Real love is the most valuable.
My sweetheart.
My dear.
Your Highness.
The Emperor has sent his Royal Guard
to arrest you.
They said you are helping
a wanted man to hide.
Your Highness, please leave now!
Fine, you go first!
Thank you, Your Highness...
See who still wants to go!
Go
Abbot...
The Abbot killed himself for some reason!
Abbot!
Abbot!
My 50 years of Buddhist practice
and prayer are all ruined in one night.
I can't rest in peace.
Abbot...
Abbot died
because of the two people who were just here.
Even Buddha is angry this time!
Catch him! Yes!
Go!
Abbot Abbot... Abbot...
Catch him! Catch him!
Chop me?
You will never have the chance in your life
Don't go. Stand Still. Stop there.
Don't go. Stand Still.
Are you okay?
Stand Still.
Catch them.
Don't go.
What's going on? What is it?
What happened to him?
Weiyangshang, you are my friend.
Why did you bad-mouth me?
And criticized me in front of the emperor?
Why are you laughing?
What are you laughing at?
I will kill your wife now.
The Emperor's order is to arrest
The Prince of Ning.
Yuxiang .....
Get him now.
Did you see this? The Metal Plate!
Who dares to arrest me?
Kneel down now,
or I will kill his whole family!
Chief Official?
Even with the Emperor's order,
what can you do?
Traitor.
I am killing him in front of you.
Please find a way to help...
I am just a government official. I can't help...
I am going to kill you now.
You shot me?!
Fuck, how could you miss?!
I will chop your penis off!
Arrest them all. Yes.
My sweetheart.
My dear husband.
My dear husband... lVly dear husband
First bow.
Second bow, third bow.
Please drink tea.
After drinking this tea,
you are blessed with fortune.
This couple are in their 90s,
they have been happily married for decades.
They come here to give you blessings.
Mr. and Mrs. Good Fortune.
Greetings.
Good.
I will give you a red packet later on.
May I ask,
how can you stay in love for decades.
Because I love her dearly.
But, from what I can see,
I dare say you haven't had sex
for a long time.
If you don't make, you won't have love, right?
Chastity belt?
When we were your age,
we were unable to do it already.
My dear, there are so many people here.
That's embarrassing.
Young man, it doesn't matter
if you can do it or not,
you will understand as time goes by.
Let's take a walk.
Okay.
Fuck, what nonsense. How werid.
If your love fades I will just let go
Haunting memories only turn us old