50/50 (2011) Movie Script
(BRICKS OR COCONUTS PLAYING)
So, are you staying over tonight?
I'm not sure.
There are a couple of gallery openings
I want to go to.
I'm, like, so nervous about my show.
I mean, I still have two more paintings
that I have to do.
Everything I've been coming up with
is completely derivative
of everything at the Henry.
- Where's my stuff?
- It's in your drawer.
I have a drawer?
Yeah, I just figured I'd, you know,
put some of your things in.
There wasn't anything in the drawer before.
There was a couple of things
but I moved them into a different one
'cause it made more sense that way.
Honey. We're getting so
domestic.
(HONKING)
- (HONKING CONTINUES)
- Good luck with the paintings.
I still have a lot of tooth
paste in my mouth right now.
- Have a great day.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Hey.
- Yo!
Sorry I'm late.
- What's that smell? What is that?
- What?
(SNIFFS) Did you sit in jam or something?
- What are you talking about? (SNIFFING)
- You smell all fruity. (SNIFFING) Oh!
Yeah. I ran out of shampoo.
I had to use Rachael's.
- That's great.
- (SNIFFING)
You smell like
you fucked the cast of The View.
Are we gonna go?
- Why? You don't want to be late?
- Well, I'm two minutes late already.
- You're already two minutes late.
- I know.
But if you really care about that, you should
probably learn to drive. That's what I think.
I deserved that.
You know what's really gonna make us late?
What?
- When I stop for cappuccinos.
- No, no, no, they have coffee there.
- Delicious cappuccinos.
- Dude, seriously.
- Your back still hurts?
- Yeah. I'm going back to the doctor today.
- That's not right, man.
- I know.
Have you been fucking in weird positions?
(SCOFFS) Of course,
that's where you would go with this.
Sometimes when I fuck in weird positions...
I tried froggy style for a while once with
a girl I was dating. Fucked up my back.
I don't even want to ask what that is.
It's kind of a doggy style, but like,
you're kind of way higher up...
Actually, Rachael and...
We haven't...
We haven't done it in
like three weeks, dude.
You haven't had sex in three weeks?
Well, she had a yeast infection, and then
she had her period right afterwards.
- Which has got to be done by now.
- You can't fuck with a yeast infection?
You can fuck with a yeast infection
or period.
- No. No, it hurts.
- It does?
- Well, that's what she says.
- I think that's bullshit.
No, but I've heard that before
from other girls.
Has she been sucking on your dick?
Been giving you blow jobs?
No, she doesn't like to.
She doesn't?
No fucking shit she doesn't like to.
Who likes putting dicks in their mouth?
You do it 'cause...
That's why they're called blow jobs.
- Don't get hysterical.
- It's a job.
I'm not hysterical. I think it is...
You... She stays at your house all the time.
She leaves her fucking shit everywhere.
You clean it up, you're a nice person.
The least she could do is fellate you.
KYLE: You put up with a lot of shit
when you're dating a hot girl.
Truthfully, that's why, if you recall,
in high school,
I didn't date any hot girls, ever.
- That's why?
- Yes, that's why.
Well, we're not in high school anymore.
The relationship that I have with Rachael
is about more than sex.
- What is it about, Adam?
- It's about each other.
You know, we care about each other,
we talk to each other. It's great.
Wouldn't it be nice if you could do that,
and then bang the hell out of each other
- afterwards?
- Ideally, yes.
But it's not a perfect world, okay?
Can you hurry up, please?
(GROANS) Just gotta tie my shoe.
Good morning, Jenny.
Hey. How's it going?
Are you on the phone? I'll be quiet.
That's so gross, man. It's disgusting.
You shouldn't do that.
Hey, Kyle, Adam.
KYLE: Hey, Phil.
ADAM: Sorry we're late.
Look at that, you are late. Don't do that.
I wanted to talk to you
about the volcano piece.
It's coming along really well. I've got
all the research and interviews done.
- Great.
- But the narration
is turning into a bit of a problem.
Whoever did it, he kept clearing his throat.
And he doesn't take a pause, he just keeps
talking. And if there was a pause
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- I could cut around it. But...
- Cool?
- Grab that.
- Okay.
- So I'm just gonna...
It's like he doesn't care.
No, it's like we gotta put shit
on the radio every single day.
And it's pointless to spend months
working on something
that someone's gona hear for two seconds
while they're stopped at a red light.
Well, I like it when it's good radio.
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
You're in Wales? You're in Wales?
(LAUGHS)
So does that make you Welsh, or Wale-ish?
I never know which one's which.
Okay, yeah. World music.
Can you hear me? Your voice sounds weird.
You sound like a robot.
Do I sound like a robot?
Does it sound weird to you?
You have to be quieter. I'm trying to...
I said you sound like a robot to me.
Wait, go back. Go back. It's unbelievable.
I know.
See, I don't know
what world music is either.
That's what's so weird about it.
(MIMICKING KYLE)
"It's unbelievable. I know.
"I know. What is world music, anyway?
I'm such a fucking asshole.
"I'm the king of the fucking world.
Suck my dick.
"My friend Adam hasn't had his dick
sucked in six fucking months."
(LAUGHS MORONICALLY)
(DOOR OPENS)
- ROSS: How are you?
- Hi.
The patient has been complaining
of back pain and night sweats.
Blood tests and urine analysis are normal.
MRI suggests
a massive intradural malignant
schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma
extending in the psoas muscle
with nerve root compression syndrome
and bone erosion.
The growth extends from L2 to L5.
Will send patient for biopsy to confirm.
(TURNS OFF RECORDER)
Yes, question?
Sorry, I just didn't follow that.
Is there something wrong with me?
Yes. Well, if you look here on your MRI,
you see this cephalopod-like object
that's spreading down your spinal column.
That is a massive
schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma.
Okay.
- So sorry. I just don't know what that...
- It's a malignant tumor.
- A tumor?
- Yes.
- Me?
- Yes.
That doesn't make any sense though.
I mean, I don't smoke. I don't drink.
I... You know. I recycle.
Actually, your case
is really quite fascinating because
your cancer is the result of an incredibly
rare gene mutation in chromosome 17,
(VOICE FADING) the P53 gene that causes
the growth of malignant cells...
I think that given the placement and size
of your particular tumor,
the wisest course of action is to see
if we can possibly reduce this thing
down to a more manageable size
before we consider surgery.
Now, chemotherapy can often result
in fertility issues.
But I'm gonna be okay?
If you need someone to talk to,
we have an excellent staff here
at the hospital
of social workers and psychologists.
They specialize in these matters,
and they would be able to help you.
Now as I said, you should consider...
(HIGH AND DRY PLAYING)
Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever,
don't you, boy?
Flying on your motorcycle
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition
Kill yourself to never, ever stop
Oh, Adam.
Listen, I'm not expecting you
to take this on.
I mean,
it's not like we're married or anything.
So, you know, if you have to bail,
then you should. No hard feelings.
Not that I want you do.
I hope that you don't.
I'm not gonna bail on you, Adam.
I'm here for you.
Okay?
Thank you.
It's gonna be okay.
Yeah. It'll be okay. All right?
- I'm gonna throw up.
- Don't throw up. You're gonna be fine.
- I actually think I might throw up.
- You're not gonna throw up.
No, open your eyes.
Look at me, look at me.
- Okay.
- All right?
(KYLE BREATHES DEEPLY)
What kind of cancer is it?
What's the name of the cancer?
- Some rare kind of cancer.
- What's it called?
Schwannoma... I knew this.
- Schwannoma? It's schwannoma?
- Schwannoma...
- What's schwannoma?
- That means tumor, basically.
Do you have a picture of it, at least?
Can I see it?
Why would I have a picture of it?
It's common practice
to fucking get pictures of shit now.
- But that's like the Internet, so...
- (SIGHS IN RELIEF)
- It's not a picture of anything.
- Are you gonna be okay?
- I think so.
- What are your chances?
- What are your odds?
- I don't know.
I looked it up and it said 50/50.
- But that's like the Internet, so...
- (SIGHS IN RELIEF)
That's not that bad.
That's better than I thought.
You're gonna be fine, man.
You're young.
Young people beat cancer all the time.
Every celebrity beats cancer.
Fucking Lance Armstrong,
he keeps getting it.
- Yeah.
- He's fine.
- Yeah.
- The guy from Dexter? He's okay.
Patrick Swayze? He's fine.
- Patrick Swayze?
- And he's older.
Yeah, but, dude, that guy's dead.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's really fucked up. I didn't know that.
Don't even think about him, okay?
Don't worry about that.
- You got to look at the bright side here.
- Bright side? Of what?
You're gonna be fine.
What did your parents say?
Did they freak out? Your mother?
I'm not gonna tell her.
You're not gonna tell her?
You gotta tell her.
She'll probably deal with it better
than most people.
Your dad has Alzheimer's, you know.
- She's used to dealing with tragedy.
- But you know her.
- She loses her fucking...
- Obviously you have to tell her.
I'm gonna tell her.
(SIGHS)
- You're gonna be fine.
- Yeah.
You're gonna be fine. 50/50!
If you were a casino game,
you would have the best odds.
Yeah, thanks.
- Okay. Let's get to work.
- You don't want coffee?
I'm awake now.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
Hi, Dad.
- Hi, I'm Richard.
- Adam.
This is Adam, your son. Remember?
Adam.
Hi!
So, what's the big news?
Is Rachael pregnant?
Mom, no. I'll tell you, okay?
Okay, okay. I know you use protection.
- Wow, you need to do something about this.
- What?
- Well, call the landlord, the paint's peeling.
- It's fine.
- Give me his number, I'll call him.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- That's new.
- ADAM: Yeah. Rachael made it.
- It's called Oppression.
- No, it's Liberation.
That's right, that one's Liberation.
Oppression is in the bathroom.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Nice.
- Thank you.
DIANE: Sweetheart, your pills.
There you go.
So, what's the special occasion?
I want to tell you something, but...
I just need you to promise me
you're gonna stay calm.
Adam, don't be so overdramatic.
- Mom, just promise, okay?
- Okay, I promise.
You always make me out to be
some irrational loon.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
- Have you ever seen Terms of Endearment?
- Mmm-hmm.
Jesus, Adam. Just tell her.
Tell me what?
(SIGHS) I have cancer.
What do you mean you have cancer?
I have cancer.
What do you want me to say?
When did this happen?
A couple of days ago.
A couple of days ago?
You waited a couple of days to tell me?
I'm sorry. You're right.
Honey.
- I'm moving in.
- What? No. No, Mom. No.
- I'm your mother, Adam.
- No! Exactly. That's why.
And look, you already have enough
on your plate with him.
Who's gonna take you
to your appointments?
You don't even drive a car.
Who's gonna look after you?
Me.
I'm going to take care of him.
Mom. Mom! Mom!
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna make you some green tea.
Can you just come back? Come sit down.
I heard on the Today show that
it reduces your risk of cancer by 15%.
Well, I already have cancer.
So, can you just please come
and sit down. Okay?
(DIANE CRYING)
- Hi, I'm looking for Dr. McKay.
- Second door down there.
(SIGHS)
Come in!
- Hi.
- Can I help you?
I'm supposed to have an appointment
with Dr. McKay?
Oh!
Sorry. (LAUGHS)
Please come in
and please call me Katherine. Hi.
- You're Dr. McKay.
- I am. Uh...
Well, have a seat. Sit down, please.
Sorry about this guy.
- You're Adam.
- Yeah.
And aren't you supposed to be wearing
an earth-toned sweater
and be like 65 or something?
Did someone say I looked like that?
No, no, no. I'm just... Sorry.
If you don't mind, how old are you?
- Twenty-four.
- You're 24. Wow!
So, what, are you like Doogie Howser
or something?
Who?
Doogie Howser? Teenage doctor.
- Does he work here?
- No, no.
I just meant you seem a little young
to be a doctor.
Technically I'm not a doctor yet.
I'm actually working on my doctorate.
- Okay.
- Yeah, this is a training hospital.
I see. So have you had very many patients?
My patient history is not...
- I'm your first patient, aren't I?
- (LAUGHS) No.
- No?
- No, not at all.
- Second?
- No.
Third?
Wow, okay, third.
How are the first two doing?
- Can't talk about that.
- Right.
So this is training for you?
It will be part of my dissertation.
Oh, so you write about all of this?
Don't worry, I don't use your real name.
(SCOFFS) Okay. That's fine.
Well, Dr. Ross
(CLEARS THROAT)
filled me in on your situation.
Yeah.
This must be incredibly difficult
that all this...
- How do you feel right now?
- Fine. Yeah, I feel...
I can't remember being so calm
in a long time.
That's a really common symptom
in patients like yourself.
Actually your body is in survival mode,
so what you're experiencing is shock.
What? I think I'm actually just fine.
Right, but that's why you're feeling
the sense of calm.
Would you describe what you're feeling
as a kind of numbness?
No, I'd describe it as fine.
- Because certain patients feel like...
- I feel great.
(SIGHS) Well, that's wonderful.
- I think that's wonderful.
- Thanks.
If it's okay with you, I think maybe today
we'll just start with some
simple relaxation exercises.
- I am relaxed.
- I know you are.
Um...
But just humor me?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
If you want to lie down.
- Lie down?
- Yeah.
(NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay.
And close your eyes.
Really?
Yeah.
For this to work,
you're gonna have to trust me.
Yeah. They're closed.
Okay.
RACHAEL: No peeking,
keep your eyes closed.
Okay, open your eyes.
Surprise!
His name is Skeletor.
He's a retired race dog.
You got me an old dog?
Well, he's not that old.
He's old enough to be retired.
Having a dog helps
with the healing process.
What, does he have a medical license?
RACHAEL: Okay, forget it. I can just bring
him back to the shelter in the morning.
ADAM: Well, then what happens to him?
He will be put back in his tiny cage
with 10 other dogs
who will bully and rape him
until he's eventually euthanized.
Okay, fine, I'll keep the dog.
- Really?
- Yeah.
This is gonna be so good for you.
I promise.
(GRUNTS NONCOMMITTALLY)
KYLE: This whole party was my idea.
I thought maybe we could just,
you know, celebrate his life.
I mean, he's gonna be better. Right?
It's not like he...
I hope so. But, you know, I just...
I'm not even thinking about that.
Tonight I thought it was best not to think
about whether he gets better or doesn't.
I just thought we should celebrate
the Adam that we all know and love.
Have you started chemo yet?
So, what kind of cancer you got?
You want to know the secret
to beating this thing?
My uncle had what you have.
I like to get touched when I cry.
I don't know about you.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
I'm gonna miss you too, Phil.
Hey, Phil.
Yeah, buddy?
You know, I want you to know I'm still
gonna finish that Mount Moa Moa story.
You take as much time as you need.
I can't wait to hear that.
Thanks.
You know, I just wanted to say that
you've been really great
these last couple of weeks.
And then today making me breakfast
and coming with me. It's just really great.
- Thanks for saying that.
- Thank you.
Oh, Adam.
- Are you coming?
- If it's cool, could I just wait here?
- Well, you know it's like four hours, right?
- Yeah, yeah, no, I know.
So you're just gonna sit here
for four hours?
Honey, I don't want to mix that world
and, you know, this world.
It's like an energy thing. You know?
Okay. All right.
(RACHAEL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Good luck.
- Adam Lerner?
- Yep.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(NEW COUNTRY PLAYING)
Oh, I'm all alone
- This way, my baby.
- (COUGHING)
I know you're still listening to me
Isn't a lot as far as I see
You want a macaroon?
Oh, thanks. I'm all right.
There's weed in them.
Oh.
Yeah, thank you. But I don't do weed.
Come on, man, just get high with us.
Okay.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
MITCH: Hey.
- How old are you?
- I'm 27.
That's the worst.
What a waste of a perfectly good youth.
Don't listen to him.
He's just messing with you.
No, no, you listen to me.
You know, this cancer is bullshit.
See, first, all your hair falls out.
Then your balls are gonna shrink.
And then to make matters worse,
your dick becomes a constant source
of disappointment.
You know, I was kind of scared
about this whole cancer thing.
But now I've met you guys
and, boy, do I feel better.
Thank you.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm Alan Lombardo, stage three lymphoma.
Pleased to meet you.
Mitch Barnett, metastatic prostate cancer.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, I'm Adam Lerner,
schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma.
Whoo! What the fuck is that?
Tough break.
The more syllables, the worse it is.
(ALAN CHUCKLES)
- These are really good.
- Yeah, my wife made them.
Are they, uh...
How strong are they?
Stee-rong.
(TO LOVE SOMEBODY PLAYING)
There's a light
A certain kind of light
That never shone on me
I want my life to be lived with you
Lived with you
There's a way
Everybody say
To do each and every little thing
But what does it bring
If I ain't got you?
Ain't got
Baby, you don't know what it's like
Baby, you don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you
Oh, no, no
You don't know what it's like
Baby, you don't know...
(VOMITING)
(COUGHING)
(VOMITING CONTINUES)
Adam, are you okay?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
KATHERINE: So, how are you feeling,
after your first chemo?
It feels pretty bad, I gotta say.
My head hurts right now.
Yeah.
From what I understand, it's really rough.
Um... But it will pass.
Mmm.
I think it's important to remember that
these side effects are completely normal.
Well, that's good. I would hate to feel
special in some kind of way.
I'm sensing some anger, which is good.
I'm not angry.
Why would that be good?
Because you're expressing yourself.
You're dealing with a really serious illness
and it brings up a lot of emotions.
So you're trying to make me freak out
or something, right? Is that the goal here?
I'm not trying to make you freak out.
I do want you to get in touch with
what you're feeling inside.
- So, if you're angry...
- I'm not angry! Okay? (SIGHS)
Let's just do the relaxation things, okay?
Can we do that? I want to hear sitars,
and go to my happy place
and feel the warm beam of light.
- Can we do that?
- I see.
I'm sorry. I'm just being an asshole.
I didn't need to say that.
I don't need you to take care of me.
I'm trying to take care of you.
You're right.
Listen, there are a couple of books
I want you to check out.
A lot of people find them really helpful.
You don't have to read them cover-to-cover.
Just take a look
and see if anything resonates.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Sorry. Are you gonna, like,
keep touching me like that?
- This?
- Yeah.
I'm, uh...
I'm trying to make you feel more at ease.
That's gonna make me feel more at ease?
It's like being slapped by a sea otter.
Touching promotes trust.
It's one of the key ways
that hospital practitioners
make their patients
feel more secure in stressful situations.
Yeah, but it's just...
That's not gonna help.
Really? A sea otter?
Is this... Is that kind of better?
- Okay, this is getting creepy.
- I'm sorry.
Okay, you don't like that. That's fine.
You shouldn't do this.
You're making a mistake.
You're gonna look weird, man.
- What do you mean?
- It's gonna look fucking weird.
What are you talking about?
Who knows if you've got some big
Gorbachev bird shit thing on your head.
- You said that you liked this idea.
- I liked the idea in theory.
Now that we're standing here
about to do it,
I think you're gonna look like fucking
Michael Stipe or something.
- We have to do it.
- I'm not doing it, man.
- We have to do it.
- You do it. I'm not fucking doing it.
- Come on. Do it.
- No way.
- You said you would.
- I don't want to,
'cause if it looks fucked up
you're gonna blame me
every time you look
at your weird-looking bald head.
- (RAZOR BUZZING)
- What? Wait a minute.
(TURNS OFF RAZOR)
What do you use this for?
You know, my body hair.
When was the last time you cleaned this?
Like brand new.
- That's great.
- Totally clean.
- Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
- (RAZOR BUZZING)
Oh, fuck. Dude.
Holy shit.
Cut that part off.
- Shit.
- You want to do one?
Yeah, can I? Okay, I'm gonna do it.
(EXCLAIMING)
I don't want to do it anymore.
You kinda got a Klingon thing
going on here.
You could pass for Worf
from Star Trek.
- Looks totally good.
- It's totally uneven.
Totally normal.
Is this attached? Jesus Christ.
Looks okay, right?
No, looks really weird.
- We shouldn't have done this.
- Yeah, big mistake.
Why didn't we go to a barber?
That would have been a good idea.
If we paid someone to do it.
Using your fucking balls trimmer
instead of going to the barber.
I never wash them, ever.
And it's not my balls, it's my asshole.
- I'm joking.
- You're not joking.
Not at all.
- How come we've never met Rachael?
- Yeah, what the fuck?
Yeah, hospitals kind of freak her out, so...
MITCH: Hmm.
What?
Well, Adam,
nobody likes going to the hospital.
That's not why people go.
No, no, you don't get it. it's like she doesn't
want to mix the negative and the positive.
It's an energy thing.
Sounds to me like a bullshit thing.
Well, you can meet her if you want.
She's gonna pick me up right after this.
If you want to meet her.
I'm sure she would love to meet you guys.
Sure.
She's really great.
You guys are gonna like her a lot.
Okay.
Hey, it's me again.
Just calling to check if you're close.
I'll talk to you soon. Okay. See you.
So you need a ride, kid?
Oh, no, she's gonna come.
I'm sure she is just hung up or something.
You guys should probably go, though.
You could meet her next time.
Yeah, sure.
- See you, Adam.
- See you.
(EXHALING)
Adam, I know. I'm sorry.
Please don't be mad.
- I was calling you for like an hour.
- (SIGHS)
Yeah, my cell phone died.
You know, you don't have to do this.
I'm sorry, I am. I know I fucked up.
I gave you an out.
I'm doing my best.
Can we just go home?
(RACHAEL SIGHS)
KYLE: "Inoperable Optimism.
"Cosper Schlegel,
un-American medical intuitive
"and mystic psychiatrist"?
Mystic psychiatrist?
What is that? Is he Frodo's psychiatrist?
Why would you buy that?
Because the therapist lady said to buy it.
So, I don't know,
what else am I gonna do?
- Let's go to Mardi Gras.
- I have a girlfriend.
Why would I go to Mardi Gras?
You have a girlfriend. Yeah, I forgot.
Why would you go to Mardi Gras
when you're busy here
not getting blow jobs and hand jobs?
You know what? If you're not
gonna take advantage of this then I am.
- Hi, Claire. Hi. I'm Kyle.
- Hi.
Could you help me find
some of these, please?
Yeah. Sure.
Are these for you? I'm sorry,
- that's really none of my business.
- No. Don't worry. No, thank God.
They're actually for my friend.
That guy over there.
- That little guy in the hat.
- Yeah.
They're for him. He's my buddy.
He's really, really sick.
That's awful.
He's got type four back cancer, and...
- Oh, no. Really?
- I know, yeah.
- It's really sad.
- Poor guy.
I don't focus on that. I focus on the
positive. I take him out to bookstores.
I like to take him for walks.
I take him out to get snacks and
to plays, stuff like
that, while he has time.
That's nice of you.
- Yeah. So where are...
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- They're just over this way.
- No problem. Yeah.
- All right, there you are.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye.
- I'll see you tonight.
- Okay.
Bye, Claire. Nice to meet you, Claire.
Thank you, Claire.
(RINGING)
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
- Hi, Mom.
- Jesus, what took you so long to pick up?
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
I just didn't hear the phone ring.
Do you need anything?
I was about to go to Rite Aid for your father
Listen, I'll come over.
I'll make you some dinner.
I'll pick up some macaroni and cheese.
I haven't liked macaroni and cheese
since I was like ten.
- You haven't?
- Actually Rachael's coming over later.
So, I'm totally fine. Don't worry so much.
Fine, if you say so. I love you.
Love you.
(SIGHS)
MAN: Hi.
Oh, this one's really cool.
- Look at that.
- My friend did this actually.
- No way.
- Yeah.
- Your friend's a real talent.
- I know.
Uh-oh.
I think I got a new favorite.
That's so amazing.
It's like a circle,
but then they add a line in the middle.
And that totally sets it off.
It's like totally different.
- Yeah. Simple.
- Holy shit, there's two of them.
What the fuck?
So what do you think about this one?
Oh.
This is genius.
I mean, I'm having like
an emotional thing going on.
It's fucking gorgeous.
It's... You know, it's beautiful.
Oh, my God, I should've known
I would see her here.
- It's a fucking gallery opening, right?
- Who is she?
You know my friend,
the one who's sick with cancer?
That's his girlfriend.
I'm gonna go get some wine.
She doesn't really look like
she's anyone's girlfriend.
No fucking way. No fucking way.
(CLICKS)
(GRUNTING) Oh!
I fucking nailed that cunt.
Can you believe that?
Oh, God.
I don't usually say that.
(DOOR UNLOCKS)
(DOOR OPENS)
Hi.
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to wake you.
Come here.
(FAKE YAWN) I'm just... I'm so tired.
Let's just go to bed, okay?
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Oh, my God!
Surprise, it's Kyle.
- What's happening, guys?
- RACHAEL: Hi, Kyle.
What time is it?
Did I come at a bad time?
Am I interrupting something?
We were just about to go to bed.
I'm sorry. I was in the neighborhood.
I was just on a date.
Claire, the girl I met at the bookstore?
My date did not go well, unfortunately,
due to a lack of chemistry and, I think,
an overuse of profanity on my part.
But whilst on my date,
- I ran into Rachael.
- Oh, yeah?
And I would like to present to you
what I have grown to call
exhibit whore!
Look at it! That's Rachael.
And that's a fucking filthy
Jesus-looking motherfucker!
And they're kissing! I did it!
I fucking nailed you!
I've hated you for months!
And now I have fucking evidence
that you suck as a person!
Holy shit! Holy shit!
Nothing? Nothing?
Okay. You guys should talk about this.
What? Were you cheating on me?
Listen...
- Yes.
- Seriously?
Adam...
(SIGHS)
You have no idea how hard it's been.
I don't know how to do this.
This has been so stressful,
and you've been so sick.
And shit! Okay, you know what?
Kyle is the one
who has been using your cancer for girls.
All right?
You told me that. All right?
So why am I the bad guy?
Because you're his girlfriend,
you cheated on him.
He has fucking cancer, you lunatic!
Okay, Adam, we had problems
long before you got sick.
And then when you got sick,
I just didn't know what to do.
Well, then...
Why are you here then?
Why do you spend every night in my bed?
I didn't want to abandon you.
Let's just go to bed.
And we will talk about this tomorrow.
All right? I'm sorry.
I can't stand in the kitchen
and listen to this bullshit any longer.
You gotta get out of here.
This is crazy!
- You're so weird.
- Adam...
This is the most uncomfortable
situation ever!
- Just leave!
- RACHAEL: Yeah.
- And then we're gonna talk tomorrow.
- Get up!
No, you won't!
Why will you talk tomorrow?
- I care about you, Adam. All right?
- This is disgusting.
- It's not like this.
- You are reprehensible.
- That's what this behavior is.
- Shut up for a second.
Kyle does not have your best interests
in mind.
All right?
I've thought that for a very long time.
- I didn't fuck a filthy bearded hippy.
- I want you to know that.
- I didn't make out with a disgusting hippy.
- I care about you.
- Fuck you!
- You're disgusting.
KYLE: This is the best thing
that has ever happened to you.
- Why?
- Why?
You deserve better. Way better.
If I was your girlfriend,
you know what I would be doing?
I'd be sucking your cock every
thirty minutes.
I'd be baking you fucking cookies all day
and shit.
- What kind of cookies?
- Any kind.
You'd make me snickerdoodle cookies?
I'd bathe you in snickerdoodle cookies.
- I'm getting nauseous.
- Actually?
No, that was a joke.
- Hi.
- Oh! Look at this guy.
I love greyhounds. Hi. What's his name?
Skeletor.
- This is Marlow.
- Marlow! Hello, Marlow! Look at this guy.
- Do you guys live around here?
- Yeah, we sure do.
He's licking his balls.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- That was awesome.
- That was wonderful.
Yeah, we should probably go.
He gets cold
- when he's not moving.
- Yeah, okay.
- Right.
- ADAM: Nice to meet you.
Okay. Okay. Nice to meet you.
- Bye. Nice to meet you.
- Come on.
You could've fucked the shit
out of that girl. You know that?
- What are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?
No one wants to fuck me.
I look like Voldemort.
No, you don't.
It doesn't matter, man. Seriously.
You just invite her out on a doggy date,
tell her you have cancer,
and fuck the shit out of her.
You really think that a girl's gonna
go for me just 'cause I have cancer?
For the millionth time, yes!
You're fucking single now.
Dude, help me help you get laid.
- You think that would work?
- It would totally work.
All right, let's do it.
KYLE: Lots of hot girls!
Good odds tonight. Lots!
- Okay, right there.
- Yep. All right.
Blue shirt. Go for it.
Just talk, spark up a conversation.
Hey, how's it going?
Okay, you know what I would do?
Get into the cancer thing faster.
- Faster?
- Faster.
- She didn't say anything.
- I know,
but it's your hook, man. It's what you got.
You know?
So, what, that's the first thing I say?
Just like, "Hello, I have cancer."
That's what makes you different.
It's what sets you apart.
- You know, you're sympathetic.
- Okay. Okay.
- Just try it.
- Okay.
(WOMEN CHATTERING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- It's a great song.
- Totally.
I have cancer.
I was wrong. I was wrong. It was weird.
- It's weird like that.
- That's too soon.
- It doesn't sound cool.
- No.
I'm Kyle. How's it going?
- Allison. This is Jackie.
- Allison? Jackie.
ALLISON: Nice to meet you.
KYLE: Nice to meet you guys.
- It's my birthday today!
- ALLISON: Happy birthday!
Cheers!
- I'm here with my buddy, actually.
- The skinny one?
- One second.
- Yeah.
Look, I met two nice girls.
They're right there.
- Yeah, they're cute.
- Yeah, let's go over.
- Are they nice?
- They're very nice.
- They're talking to you?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Take the hat off.
- Take it off. Take it off.
- I'm not taking it off.
What do you guys do?
I just designed the website for the Swiffer.
- The Swiffer? Really?
- Yeah.
Sorry, I got excited. I'm a fan. I
kike Swiffer. I use it for everything.
Mopping and sweeping.
I just got a dog and he sheds a lot.
And when there's hair all over the place
I just use a wet cloth. Taken care of.
That's cool. What's your dog's name?
His name is Skeletor. Cool guy.
- It's kind of...
- Warm in here, isn't it?
- Oh, you're so bald.
- No, no. It's just cancer.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Cancer.
Yeah, I have cancer. It's not contagious.
Oh, my God.
Well, what Kind of cancer is it?
It's spinal.
It's in his spine.
I didn't even know that was possible.
How did you get it?
Bad mattress.
- He's joking. It was a joke.
- Oh!
- He's just kidding.
- Oh, my God.
See. He still has a sense of humor about it.
He's inspirational.
- It's an inspiration.
- Very cute.
Can I... May we touch it?
JACKIE: Is that weird?
- Yeah, if you want to.
- You can do more than touch it. Come on.
Oh... Oh, this is a really nice head.
KYLE: Play with it a little.
Let's all rub it together.
It will grow if you rub it enough.
VENDOR: There you go.
What are you doing? Are you okay?
(CLEARS THROAT)
I've got to go to sleep.
No, man. You can't.
We have to be awake when they're awake.
That's how we have sex.
That's the whole purpose of this.
Don't throw all this away.
Don't waste my time, man.
Okay. Can you give me an approximate time
when I'll be having sex?
Ninety-five minutes from now,
we'll be having sex.
- I'm not gonna make it.
- That's how fucking long it's gonna take.
I wish it was sooner.
These girls, 96 minutes.
Hey, what's happening? Look at that.
- Got a wiener.
- You got one!
So, you guys want to hit up Lash?
I know the DJ.
- Oh, nice.
- I'm gonna have to crash out.
Sorry, I'm just exhausted.
The chemo just takes it out of you.
But, you know, I have some really potent
medical weed at my house
if you want to come over?
- That sounds fun.
- That does sound fun!
That's a great idea. I love that.
- Game on!
- Yeah, let's do it. Nice!
Let's do it. Let's get a cab.
There's cabs over here.
Sensational. That's pimping.
That was actually very pimp.
That was impressive.
(GROANS)
I'm sorry, am I hurting you?
- No, no, keep going.
- Okay.
Are you sure? 'Cause you just don't really
look like you're having a good time.
Mmm. No, but it does...
It hurts. I'm sorry. Yeah, my back is...
- Yeah, maybe you should just...
- I'll get off you.
Maybe...
- Yeah, if you don't...
- Sorry.
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
KYLE: I wonder what the machine gun
budget on this film was.
You can't afford actors,
but you need one million machine guns.
- Can we watch something else?
- No, I want to see how this ends.
(SIGHS)
(MOUTHING) I fucked her.
Adam?
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
What are you doing?
Good old chemotherapy.
Oh. Waiting for the bus.
I'm on my way home right now.
I have my car if you want a ride.
I'm used to the bus.
- Thank you.
- No, I can't just let you...
I can't make you wait for the bus.
I live kind of far away.
I won't take no for an answer.
Sorry about the mess.
I'm not good at getting rid of stuff.
Yeah, I see.
Let me know if you need to pull over,
or anything.
Like if the chemo's...
If you feel nauseous, just say the word
and I'll pull right over.
Okay, thanks.
So you don't have a car.
No, I don't even have a license actually.
Why not?
It's incredibly dangerous.
It's like the fifth leading cause of death.
Which is, I guess, just a few behind cancer.
Still, the bus?
The bus after chemo?
Yeah. Well, usually Rachael drives me.
But we broke up.
She kind of cheated on me.
Oh, um...
Adam, do you want to talk about this?
You know what? Actually, no.
Let's not do the therapy in the car.
- You're just giving me a ride as a friend.
- Yeah, Adam, if...
You know, what we should really talk about
is, you have trash on your floor.
And there's no reason.
You know, at least have a bag in the back
to put the trash in.
Adam, your girlfriend cheated on you.
We don't have to talk about it.
We don't have to.
I just broke up with somebody
recently myself.
- You did?
- Yeah, it sucks.
- Sorry.
- No. Well, it's good because...
- We actually shouldn't be talking about it.
- Why not?
It's not appropriate for me
to tell you personal things
because the patient-therapist relationship
doesn't really work
if you know all my problems.
Admittedly I do check his Facebook
like every day
to see if he's dating somebody new,
which is so pathetic.
I shouldn't have said that.
I should have stopped.
Yeah.
- We could just listen to the radio.
- Yes.
(DAYS GONE DOWN PLAYING)
And our day is coming by and by
I'm traveling this long road to be with you
- Stop the car.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, let's just stop.
- I'm stopping the car.
- I just...
- What are you doing?
I just can't handle this mess.
Are you serious?
Adam.
You don't have to. That's my dinner.
The brown thing is my dinner.
- Which one?
- That... This thing.
- You're gonna eat that?
- This is new. Don't judge me.
Hey, nice. Look at that.
Could you unlock the door?
- Thanks for the ride.
- No problem.
- Thank you for cleaning my car.
- Yeah.
- I'll see you next week.
- Okay.
Okay.
Uh... Are you gonna be okay by yourself?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'll be totally fine.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, Adam?
Listen.
I just want you to have my cell number.
Just if you need anything. You have it.
Thanks. Did I just, like, score your digits?
- No.
- No. That was a joke.
That's fine.
- I don't know why I said that.
- No, that's okay.
That would be inappropriate.
Of course. I know that.
It's a defense mechanism. And that's fine.
Yeah.
That's for emergencies.
- And if you need someone to talk to.
- Yeah.
- Good night. Okay.
- Good night. Thank you.
MALE NARRATOR ON TV: The great white.
It is the largest predator in the sea.
I thought the deserts were crazy.
The ocean's fucking nuts, man.
I like the trees.
The trees are gonna be bananas.
Jesus!
(WATER BUBBLING IN BONG)
(ADAM COUGHING)
You okay?
- Lift your elbows above your ears.
- What are you talking about?
- It helps you stop coughing.
- I'm not doing that.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
I always heard it would
help you stop coughing.
I'm just here to pick up my things
and then I'll get out of your way.
- Yeah, I put all your things in a box.
- Okay.
It's outside the door.
You walked right past it.
Oh.
Well, then I guess I'll be on my way.
You're smoking weed?
Well, it's medicinal.
You got a prescription
for medicinal marijuana?
No, I got a prescription
for medicinal marijuana.
Adam was too afraid.
Well, what's wrong with you, Kyle?
I have night blindness.
My cones and rods are askew
and weed fixes it.
You took down my painting.
Well, it didn't really fit there
with the new TV.
Adam, can I talk to you outside
for a second, please?
Yeah.
It's all right.
So, how are you feeling?
Pretty awesome.
I wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry.
Well...
I'm sorry, too.
I mean, I know this wasn't easy for you.
I'm sorry I didn't come to your opening.
It's just because I hate you so much.
I'm glad you didn't come.
It was a complete disaster.
No one bought any of my paintings.
That's weird, they're so good.
Really?
Yeah, they're great.
I'm sorry that happened.
It's just, you know,
you'll get them next time.
Oh, God.
(SIGHS) I don't want to break up.
I can do better.
We can start over again,
and I'll just do better.
You should go.
Really, you should. You should go.
I don't want to go.
I want to stay here with you.
No. No. You know what? Seriously.
You should get
the fuck off my porch. Now.
That's the box.
- Your painting?
- I made it for you.
(CRYING PLAYING)
I was all right
For a while
I could smile for a while
But I saw you last night
You held my hand so tight
As you stopped to say, "Hello"
You wished me well
You couldn't tell
That I'd been crying over you
Crying over you
Then you said, "So long"
Left me standing all alone
Alone and crying
- It actually looks a lot better.
- It's not that bad like this.
Yeah. We could hang this up.
You were around before TV, right?
(ALL LAUGHING)
No, 'cause I want to hear about the radio.
Because the radio used to be like
a really... We work in radio, right?
Yeah.
Like, they talk about people
just sitting around
and listening to the radio, like, actively.
Glued to the radio. Yeah.
Well, what did you listen to?
Little Orphan Annie.
KYLE: What did you look at while you were
listening to it? Just nothing?
It engaged everything somehow.
What kind of stuff do you guys do?
I'm doing this piece on a volcano.
I do radio that I think people
would actually want to listen to.
Mostly stuff about food.
- Best hamburger. Best hamburger in Seattle.
- People like to listen...
KYLE: You'd listen to that as opposed to,
"Hey, coming up next,
"you're gonna hear a guy talk about
a volcano for twenty minutes."
- MITCH: You know what I'd do?
- What?
I'd turn on the TV.
KYLE: (LAUGHING) Yeah.
That would be a very good idea.
It's not the same.
MITCH: What do you mean,
it's not the same?
You get audio and video.
Guys, Bernie blended up some Wheatgrass.
- ADAM: Thank you.
- You're welcome.
It's like drinking liquid lawn cuttings.
(TOASTING IN RUSSIAN)
Jesus! Bernie, Adam.
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Hi, Adam.
And this is my friend, Kyle.
- Oh, God.
- Good, you like it.
It's not good.
So, Adam, I'm surprised.
The way Mitch talks about you
I thought you were much older.
He's 85 years old.
He just looks really good.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay, I got to go.
No, no, honey. Come on, stay.
Stick around. I haven't seen you all day.
- Are you all right?
- I'm good.
Good stuff. Good stuff.
Really good stuff. I love you.
I love you, too.
ADAM: Mom, I'm sorry.
I can't talk about this anymore.
I'm at an appointment, okay?
And I'm late already.
Yes, I'm here. I'm standing in the office
talking on the phone to you.
So I'm just gonna get off.
I just want to know
if you tried those recipes.
Okay.
Do you know what you're gonna make
for dinner?
I don't know what I'm gonna make
for dinner.
I'll figure something out, okay?
I'm hanging up now. Goodbye.
Bye. I love you.
Me, too. Bye.
(SIGHING) God. Sorry about that.
Don't worry about it. I have parents, too.
Do yours give you migraines?
Well, I would talk to my therapist
about my parents.
Really?
Yeah, we could do role play.
I'll be your mom.
Oh, God, no. That's disgusting.
Why is that disgusting?
Uh...
No, it's not. I mean, okay, my mom...
I don't know. She's a crazy person.
She just worries all day every day.
And honestly it annoys the shit out of me.
It's way too much.
And it's not helpful
and I can't talk to her.
I don't call her back.
It's a problem.
So she's got this husband
that can't talk to her
and this son that won't?
Yeah, I guess.
Makes you kind of a dick.
Me? (LAUGHS)
Is that like the medical term?
Yeah, I mean, listen...
You can't change who your parents are.
The only thing you can change
is how you choose to deal with that.
Aren't you supposed to, like, subtly
manipulate me into figuring this stuff out?
Not just call me on my shit?
Yeah, you cleaned my car.
So we're completely beyond that.
It's weird, isn't it? Shouldn't have
done it. Shouldn't have gone for it.
- It was good. It was good. It's all right.
- No, it wasn't. It was so forced, I'm sorry.
- Try it again. I was too far.
- Okay.
- If I'm a little closer.
- It'll make it really natural.
- Yeah.
- Totally.
That was better.
FEMALE NURSE: Okay.
- You're all set.
- Thanks.
(MACHINE BEEPING)
Where's Mitch?
He died last night.
We were just with him. He was fine.
What happened?
What does it matter? His heart stopped.
(INAUDIBLE)
PRIEST: "He leads me in the paths
of righteousness for his name's sake.
"Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death
"I will fear no evil for thou art with me.
"Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
"Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies."
STEPHEN COLBERT ON TV:
Nation, I have your test results.
(COUGHING)
Good news! You're me-positive.
This is Cheating Death
with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert.
MALE REPORTER:
... speculation, Mount Moa Moa,
located on the highlands of Savai'i,
erupted early this morning,
shooting a plume of black ash and smoke
nearly four miles into the air.
Initial reports this morning suggested
that Mount Moa Moa was getting weaker.
Our analyst can now confirm that
the volcano is actually growing stronger.
Again, Mount Moa Moa has just erupted.
This is live footage taken...
So, I think I'm starting to realize
I'm probably gonna die.
- Did something happen?
- No, it's just... Look at me.
I wake up and I look in the mirror
and, like, it's pretty obvious, you know.
Mitch died. Alan's probably gonna die.
And, you know, so am I.
You don't know that.
And a lot of what you're feeling right now
is from the treatment.
I know, but it's... Look.
Thank you,
but you don't have to try and cheer me up.
I'm actually really okay with it. You know.
Okay, I'm gonna die.
You're gonna die.
You know, hopefully a lot later than I am.
It's just what happens. And, you know,
it doesn't really mean anything anyway.
Okay. I mean, Adam, right now
you're going through
what's called the alienation phase.
And I know that you feel really helpless.
But I think it's important to remember
that the way you feel
is completely normal
for someone in your situation.
Sorry, but I just have to call you on this.
It's just bullshit.
It's what everybody has been saying
from the beginning.
Like, "Well, you'll feel better,"
and, "Don't worry," and, "This is all fine."
And, like, it's not. You know?
I don't know why everybody's
so fucking scared to just say it.
Like, "You're dying, dude."
It makes it worse that
no one will just say it.
Okay. Um...
Adam, I'm here to help you.
I'm trying to help you.
Why?
So thirty years from now
you can be at some cocktail party,
and tell an inspiring anecdote
about your third patient ever,
and how you coached him
into feeling normal right before he died?
Okay, Adam, I'm sorry
if I'm saying the wrong things.
I'm trying. I really am.
No, you know what? This just isn't working.
I don't know why I came here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
ON VOICEMAIL: This is Kyle.
I'm not around. Leave a message.
(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)
Hey, man.
I'm just calling to see if you could take me
to the doctor's appointment tomorrow.
It's the big one. So...
DIANE: Oh, my God! What's wrong?
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Hi, Mom.
FEMALE NURSE: The doctor's just in
with another patient.
He should be out in a few minutes.
Are you guys holding up all right?
It's cold in here. Is there any way
you can lower the air conditioning?
Unfortunately the temperature
is controlled by a central thermostat.
My son has cancer.
Really, if I could I would.
But there is nothing I can do.
Don't worry about it. I'm fine.
- Are you sure? I can get you a blanket.
- I'm really okay. Thanks.
- I'd love a blanket.
- We're fine.
Okay, but if you need anything
you let me know.
I don't like her.
You're warm.
I'm fine. (CLEARS THROAT)
DIANE: Hmm.
- ADAM: What?
- Nothing.
What?
He just went to a state college, that's all.
You're unbelievable.
I just worry you're not getting
the best care possible.
Would you just stop it? Please?
I'm not him. I can take care of myself.
It's just so hard
when you won't let me take care of you.
- It's just really hard.
- I am letting you take care of me.
You drove me here,
didn't you? Didn't you?
And what about you?
What about me?
(SIGHS) How are you?
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
You know, what's going on in your life?
The highlight of my week is this
cancer support group I've been going to.
You're going to a support group?
It's for parents whose kids have cancer.
I didn't know you were doing that.
How could you? You never call me back.
You're right. I'm sorry.
You don't have to say you're sorry.
Sorry to keep you folks waiting.
Anyway, I will cut to the chase.
The cancer is not responding to the chemo.
As you can see the tumor is continuing
to grow here along the nerve.
We have to remove it now,
or we risk metastasis.
- Okay, so what do we do?
- We need to operate.
Now I've moved some things around
and I can get you in this Thursday morning
with Dr. Walderson.
She is one of our finest neurosurgeons.
But he's gonna be okay, right?
You're going to fix it.
Considering the placement
and the size of the tumor,
a surgery of this nature
is always very dangerous
and potentially life-threatening itself.
The surgeons will attempt to be
very aggressive.
However if we are not successful
in removing the cancer,
then unfortunately
we will be out of options.
KYLE: I'm not gonna bring up the fact
that your surgery is tomorrow.
I'm not even thinking about it.
So, don't worry about it,
'cause I'm not gonna bring it up.
You remember the last time we were here?
Yeah. It was prom night.
(LAUGHS)
The memory seems really far away.
Yeah. It was a long time ago.
I don't even remember who you went with.
Nora Mattingly.
That girl... That girl sucked.
You knew how to pick them.
- Even then I think you knew.
- Yeah.
Well, she seemed sweet.
No, she didn't. She always sucked.
- You just always hate my girlfriends.
- That's not true.
Okay, it is actually.
But it's because you always date people
who are fucking dickheads, man.
You date needy bitches. Why?
It's fucking cold.
And it's only midnight.
Dude, let's go to the bar, man.
Let's try to get laid.
- What's the fucking point?
- Come on. Live in the now.
- I have fun with that.
- I know you have fun with it.
Well, you could, too, maybe. Let's do it.
You're drunk.
It worked. Take your hat off. (LAUGHS)
- You're just gonna leave this here?
- A homeless gentleman will collect it.
- Oh, fuck.
- Are you drunk?
- You're really drunk.
- I'm a little drunk.
You think I should drive?
I would let you drive
but you don't know how.
You don't have a license even.
That's so funny.
It might be my last chance.
- So you want to drive, right now?
- Yeah.
That's what you want to do?
That's your make-a-wish? To drive?
We could be having sex with hookers
while skydiving right now.
And instead you want to do something
I learned to do when I was fifteen?
Can I have the keys?
Okay. Be careful.
Whoa!
Just drive carefully.
Don't change my seat adjustment, okay?
It's all in places I like.
Okay. Okay. Now the first thing...
(TIRES SCREECHING)
What the fuck!
Make a left.
Make a left! It's a one-way street.
What the fuck! Jesus Christ!
There's a car! Wrong way! Wrong way!
Christ, dude. What the hell?
Adam! Stop, man!
Stop!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
What the fuck are you doing, man?
- You're being an idiot right now.
- Get out.
- Get out? This is my car.
- Get out of the car.
- Get out. Just get out!
- Don't hit me!
- I can't fucking let you do this.
- Get out!
Jesus Christ, man!
Shit.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
KYLE: Oh, no.
No, you are not calling her, man!
After what she did to you!
You're a pussy, Adam.
You're a selfish piece of shit!
You care more about getting yourself
fucking laid than being my friend.
(PHONE RINGING)
- KATHERINE: Hello?
- Hey, it's Adam.
Adam? It's midnight. What's going on?
I'm just probably having
a nervous breakdown.
I think I just fractured my larynx.
I'm really, really glad that you called.
I just want it to be over.
(SIGHS) I'm so fucking tired of being sick.
You know, if this surgery doesn't work,
it's... That's it.
And I've never, you know...
I've never been to fucking Canada.
I've never told a girl I loved her.
(SIGHS)
It sounds stupid, doesn't it?
No, it doesn't.
Sorry. I was such an asshole the other day.
No, I was an asshole.
I was totally unprepared for you.
This job is really hard.
If I fuck up
I can ruin somebody's whole life.
Well, I guess we're both beginners at this.
Yeah.
What were you doing when I called?
Were you on Facebook?
You know, stalking my ex-boyfriend actually
isn't the only thing I do in my free time.
I wish you were my girlfriend.
Girlfriends can be nice.
You just had a bad one.
I bet you would be a good one.
(TAPPING ON WINDOW) Let me in,
man. Jesus. It's fucking freezing.
I'm gonna go.
- Yeah, it's no problem.
- Thanks.
Thanks for everything.
Good night.
(SIGHS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Come here, boy.
Yeah.
Okay. Ready?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- It's gonna be good. It's going to be fine.
- Yeah.
- DIANE: Adam.
- That's your mom.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Awesome.
So, I'll just... I'll park the car, I guess.
And then I'll come in and I'll see you
before you go in there, right?
Yeah, there's...
It depends on if they bring me in first.
- If not before then...
- Right after.
- Yeah, I'll see you after.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Take care, man.
Okay. I'll see you in there.
Thanks.
(CHATTERING)
- WALDERSON: Good morning, Adam.
- Hi.
I'm Dr. Walderson.
I'm gonna be doing your surgery today.
- How are you feeling?
- Great, thanks.
Good. Good, good.
So, we're gonna take excellent care
of you. The surgical team is top notch.
Just try to relax.
- See you later.
- Thanks.
- What's this?
- Standard paperwork.
Hospital liability and disclaimer forms,
and organ donor authorization.
- Sign right there.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- I got a new coat.
- Yeah?
Brooks Brothers. Silk pockets, feel.
- Feel.
- I'm feeling.
- Nice?
- Yeah.
Listen.
I know it's a little hard to follow
everything that's going on right now.
But I just want you to know,
I love you, very much.
- Okay.
- Okay, Dad.
Okay.
Hello, Adam. I'm Dr. Lee.
I am here to administer your anesthesia.
Okay. Hi.
Excuse me, please.
Now, just relax. I'm going to inject
the anesthesia through your IV.
It's gonna take a few moments
before you start to feel the effects.
You're doing it now?
If you guys just want to head over
to the waiting room that'd be great.
- And how long does it last?
- That really depends on the individual.
Right, but how do you know
it's gonna last long enough
so I don't wake up in
the middle of the surgery?
So that you make sure
that I'm gonna wake up after.
Mom.
Sweetie, you're gonna be just fine.
LEE: I'm really sorry but we need
to get Adam to the operating room.
Could you just wait a moment, please?
I'm sorry.
I love you.
(THE OTHER SIDE
OF MT. HEARTATTACK PLAYING)
I won't run far
I can always be found
I can always be found
Ah
Ah
If you need me
If you need me
If you need me
I can always be found
I can always be found
Ah
Ah
Ah
Ah
Ah
If you want me to stay
If you want me to stay
If you want me to stay
I will stay by your side
I will stay by your side
Ah
Ah
I won't run far
Ah
If you need me
If you need...
It's been five hours.
Has it?
Something's wrong,
we should have heard by now.
Don't worry.
Adam's gonna be fine. Okay?
- Um, Adam Lerner?
- Yeah.
Dr. Walderson's one of the best surgeons
in the country.
So, he's in good hands.
Who are you?
I'm Katherine.
- I'm...
- Therapist. Yeah.
I'm Kyle. I'm Adam's friend.
Hi. Hi.
These are Adam's parents.
It's nice to meet you guys.
Did he say I'm a dick? 'Cause I'm not.
I want you to know I smothered him
because I love him.
Seriously, did he say anything?
I can't. I wouldn't talk about
that kind of thing anyway.
Mr. and Mrs. Lerner?
So, as you can imagine with a surgery
of this magnitude,
there were some unforeseen complications.
The bone erosion was much greater
than initially anticipated.
We had to remove part of the hip and pelvis,
as well as most of the right psoas muscle.
We also had to remove a good amount of
the sheath tissue around the sciatic nerve.
It's not gonna be an easy road back,
but he's gonna be okay.
He's gonna be okay?
You should start
with that information, okay?
That should be the first thing you say.
Good. (LAUGHING)
DIANE: He's gonna be okay.
Thank you, Doctor. Thank you.
(MONITOR BEEPING)
Mommy.
My little boy.
- Hi, Dad.
- Adam.
- It's nice here. We got a good room.
- DIANE: I know.
We need to go on more vacations.
Yes, we'll go on a huge vacation.
We'll go to Hawaii.
- Hey.
- Hey, man.
What's up?
I'm afraid to touch you,
but it's good to see you, dude. Yeah.
Boom. (LAUGHING)
You look... You look really good.
I'm high as a motherfucker.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) we don't get high.
Cool, man.
It's you.
It is me.
How are you feeling?
Great. I love morphine.
What time is it?
Um... It's 8:00.
I was just working late
so I thought I would stop by.
Working late?
Do you have a new patient?
I got a few new patients actually.
That's good.
I want to make you pancakes sometime.
- That is really nice, Adam.
- You're gonna like it.
I'm peeing right now.
I'm not gonna look.
KYLE: Oh, it's gross!
Oh, God. Okay. I just need to...
Oh!
Oh, I keep looking back at it,
thinking it's gonna be less gross.
Can we just get it over with? Come on.
- Your mom does this?
- She does it all the time.
This is like Saw shit.
Your words are so comforting.
It's really reassuring.
- You're a good friend.
- Okay. I'm just gonna do it.
I'm just gonna act like it's nothing.
- I'm really proud of you, man.
- Okay. Let's just go.
Let's just do this.
Oh, I'm doing it. I'm inside of you!
- Wait, wait, wait. Is that your finger?
- What?
- Is that your finger?
- No.
- There's Q-tips.
- I know. I got one.
- That was your finger.
- It wasn't. What? Is it bad if it was?
Did you wash your hands?
It was a Q-tip the whole time.
Don't worry about it.
This looks like Kuato
from Total Recall.
- "The oxygen." (LAUGHING)
- No! Don't do that.
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
Can we get this going? It's 7:30 now.
Come on, put the bandage on.
Excuse me.
And you are ready for your date.
All right-y, there we go.
That's crazy. I look pretty good.
- I'd fuck you.
- Thanks.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Who could that be?
Go answer it. Just go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You look nice.
Thanks. You, too. You look super nice.
- You want to come in?
- Yeah.
Nice place.
Look at you. Walking up a storm.
Oh, la, la, la, la.
(KYLE CLEARS THROAT)
- You remember Kyle.
- Yeah, hi.
- Hi.
- Good to see you. We met before.
I see you brought pizza which is good
because I haven't fed him yet all day.
I did just change the dressing on his wound.
- Yeah, he came to...
- If it starts seeping though,
I left all the stuff out.
There's some Vicodin in the bathroom
if you need it.
I know people take it recreationally,
but he actually needs it for his aches.
Are there channels he can't watch?
That's funny. See, she's cool.
So, you're doing your doctorate, I hear?
That's...
- Dude?
- Yeah.
- You're awesome.
- Yeah.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Okay.
- She's cool. She's funny.
- I know.
So...
So...
Now what?
(YELLOWLEDBETTER PLAYING)
Unsealed on a porch a letter sat
Then you said,
"I want to leave it again"
Once I saw her
on a beach of weathered sand
And on the sand,
"I wanna leave it again"
Yeah
On a weekend, I wanna wish it all away, yeah
And they called and I said that
"I want what I said," then I call out again
And the reason ought to leave
her calm, I know
I said, "I know what I waited,
not a boxer or the bag"
Oh, yeah, can you see them
Out on the porch?
Yeah, but they don't wave
I see them
round the front way, yeah
And I know and I know
I don't wanna stay
At all
I don't wanna stay
I don't wanna stay
I don't... Don't wanna... Oh...
Yeah
Ooh...
Oh...
So, are you staying over tonight?
I'm not sure.
There are a couple of gallery openings
I want to go to.
I'm, like, so nervous about my show.
I mean, I still have two more paintings
that I have to do.
Everything I've been coming up with
is completely derivative
of everything at the Henry.
- Where's my stuff?
- It's in your drawer.
I have a drawer?
Yeah, I just figured I'd, you know,
put some of your things in.
There wasn't anything in the drawer before.
There was a couple of things
but I moved them into a different one
'cause it made more sense that way.
Honey. We're getting so
domestic.
(HONKING)
- (HONKING CONTINUES)
- Good luck with the paintings.
I still have a lot of tooth
paste in my mouth right now.
- Have a great day.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Hey.
- Yo!
Sorry I'm late.
- What's that smell? What is that?
- What?
(SNIFFS) Did you sit in jam or something?
- What are you talking about? (SNIFFING)
- You smell all fruity. (SNIFFING) Oh!
Yeah. I ran out of shampoo.
I had to use Rachael's.
- That's great.
- (SNIFFING)
You smell like
you fucked the cast of The View.
Are we gonna go?
- Why? You don't want to be late?
- Well, I'm two minutes late already.
- You're already two minutes late.
- I know.
But if you really care about that, you should
probably learn to drive. That's what I think.
I deserved that.
You know what's really gonna make us late?
What?
- When I stop for cappuccinos.
- No, no, no, they have coffee there.
- Delicious cappuccinos.
- Dude, seriously.
- Your back still hurts?
- Yeah. I'm going back to the doctor today.
- That's not right, man.
- I know.
Have you been fucking in weird positions?
(SCOFFS) Of course,
that's where you would go with this.
Sometimes when I fuck in weird positions...
I tried froggy style for a while once with
a girl I was dating. Fucked up my back.
I don't even want to ask what that is.
It's kind of a doggy style, but like,
you're kind of way higher up...
Actually, Rachael and...
We haven't...
We haven't done it in
like three weeks, dude.
You haven't had sex in three weeks?
Well, she had a yeast infection, and then
she had her period right afterwards.
- Which has got to be done by now.
- You can't fuck with a yeast infection?
You can fuck with a yeast infection
or period.
- No. No, it hurts.
- It does?
- Well, that's what she says.
- I think that's bullshit.
No, but I've heard that before
from other girls.
Has she been sucking on your dick?
Been giving you blow jobs?
No, she doesn't like to.
She doesn't?
No fucking shit she doesn't like to.
Who likes putting dicks in their mouth?
You do it 'cause...
That's why they're called blow jobs.
- Don't get hysterical.
- It's a job.
I'm not hysterical. I think it is...
You... She stays at your house all the time.
She leaves her fucking shit everywhere.
You clean it up, you're a nice person.
The least she could do is fellate you.
KYLE: You put up with a lot of shit
when you're dating a hot girl.
Truthfully, that's why, if you recall,
in high school,
I didn't date any hot girls, ever.
- That's why?
- Yes, that's why.
Well, we're not in high school anymore.
The relationship that I have with Rachael
is about more than sex.
- What is it about, Adam?
- It's about each other.
You know, we care about each other,
we talk to each other. It's great.
Wouldn't it be nice if you could do that,
and then bang the hell out of each other
- afterwards?
- Ideally, yes.
But it's not a perfect world, okay?
Can you hurry up, please?
(GROANS) Just gotta tie my shoe.
Good morning, Jenny.
Hey. How's it going?
Are you on the phone? I'll be quiet.
That's so gross, man. It's disgusting.
You shouldn't do that.
Hey, Kyle, Adam.
KYLE: Hey, Phil.
ADAM: Sorry we're late.
Look at that, you are late. Don't do that.
I wanted to talk to you
about the volcano piece.
It's coming along really well. I've got
all the research and interviews done.
- Great.
- But the narration
is turning into a bit of a problem.
Whoever did it, he kept clearing his throat.
And he doesn't take a pause, he just keeps
talking. And if there was a pause
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- I could cut around it. But...
- Cool?
- Grab that.
- Okay.
- So I'm just gonna...
It's like he doesn't care.
No, it's like we gotta put shit
on the radio every single day.
And it's pointless to spend months
working on something
that someone's gona hear for two seconds
while they're stopped at a red light.
Well, I like it when it's good radio.
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
You're in Wales? You're in Wales?
(LAUGHS)
So does that make you Welsh, or Wale-ish?
I never know which one's which.
Okay, yeah. World music.
Can you hear me? Your voice sounds weird.
You sound like a robot.
Do I sound like a robot?
Does it sound weird to you?
You have to be quieter. I'm trying to...
I said you sound like a robot to me.
Wait, go back. Go back. It's unbelievable.
I know.
See, I don't know
what world music is either.
That's what's so weird about it.
(MIMICKING KYLE)
"It's unbelievable. I know.
"I know. What is world music, anyway?
I'm such a fucking asshole.
"I'm the king of the fucking world.
Suck my dick.
"My friend Adam hasn't had his dick
sucked in six fucking months."
(LAUGHS MORONICALLY)
(DOOR OPENS)
- ROSS: How are you?
- Hi.
The patient has been complaining
of back pain and night sweats.
Blood tests and urine analysis are normal.
MRI suggests
a massive intradural malignant
schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma
extending in the psoas muscle
with nerve root compression syndrome
and bone erosion.
The growth extends from L2 to L5.
Will send patient for biopsy to confirm.
(TURNS OFF RECORDER)
Yes, question?
Sorry, I just didn't follow that.
Is there something wrong with me?
Yes. Well, if you look here on your MRI,
you see this cephalopod-like object
that's spreading down your spinal column.
That is a massive
schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma.
Okay.
- So sorry. I just don't know what that...
- It's a malignant tumor.
- A tumor?
- Yes.
- Me?
- Yes.
That doesn't make any sense though.
I mean, I don't smoke. I don't drink.
I... You know. I recycle.
Actually, your case
is really quite fascinating because
your cancer is the result of an incredibly
rare gene mutation in chromosome 17,
(VOICE FADING) the P53 gene that causes
the growth of malignant cells...
I think that given the placement and size
of your particular tumor,
the wisest course of action is to see
if we can possibly reduce this thing
down to a more manageable size
before we consider surgery.
Now, chemotherapy can often result
in fertility issues.
But I'm gonna be okay?
If you need someone to talk to,
we have an excellent staff here
at the hospital
of social workers and psychologists.
They specialize in these matters,
and they would be able to help you.
Now as I said, you should consider...
(HIGH AND DRY PLAYING)
Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever,
don't you, boy?
Flying on your motorcycle
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition
Kill yourself to never, ever stop
Oh, Adam.
Listen, I'm not expecting you
to take this on.
I mean,
it's not like we're married or anything.
So, you know, if you have to bail,
then you should. No hard feelings.
Not that I want you do.
I hope that you don't.
I'm not gonna bail on you, Adam.
I'm here for you.
Okay?
Thank you.
It's gonna be okay.
Yeah. It'll be okay. All right?
- I'm gonna throw up.
- Don't throw up. You're gonna be fine.
- I actually think I might throw up.
- You're not gonna throw up.
No, open your eyes.
Look at me, look at me.
- Okay.
- All right?
(KYLE BREATHES DEEPLY)
What kind of cancer is it?
What's the name of the cancer?
- Some rare kind of cancer.
- What's it called?
Schwannoma... I knew this.
- Schwannoma? It's schwannoma?
- Schwannoma...
- What's schwannoma?
- That means tumor, basically.
Do you have a picture of it, at least?
Can I see it?
Why would I have a picture of it?
It's common practice
to fucking get pictures of shit now.
- But that's like the Internet, so...
- (SIGHS IN RELIEF)
- It's not a picture of anything.
- Are you gonna be okay?
- I think so.
- What are your chances?
- What are your odds?
- I don't know.
I looked it up and it said 50/50.
- But that's like the Internet, so...
- (SIGHS IN RELIEF)
That's not that bad.
That's better than I thought.
You're gonna be fine, man.
You're young.
Young people beat cancer all the time.
Every celebrity beats cancer.
Fucking Lance Armstrong,
he keeps getting it.
- Yeah.
- He's fine.
- Yeah.
- The guy from Dexter? He's okay.
Patrick Swayze? He's fine.
- Patrick Swayze?
- And he's older.
Yeah, but, dude, that guy's dead.
- Really?
- Yeah.
That's really fucked up. I didn't know that.
Don't even think about him, okay?
Don't worry about that.
- You got to look at the bright side here.
- Bright side? Of what?
You're gonna be fine.
What did your parents say?
Did they freak out? Your mother?
I'm not gonna tell her.
You're not gonna tell her?
You gotta tell her.
She'll probably deal with it better
than most people.
Your dad has Alzheimer's, you know.
- She's used to dealing with tragedy.
- But you know her.
- She loses her fucking...
- Obviously you have to tell her.
I'm gonna tell her.
(SIGHS)
- You're gonna be fine.
- Yeah.
You're gonna be fine. 50/50!
If you were a casino game,
you would have the best odds.
Yeah, thanks.
- Okay. Let's get to work.
- You don't want coffee?
I'm awake now.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, honey.
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
Hi, Dad.
- Hi, I'm Richard.
- Adam.
This is Adam, your son. Remember?
Adam.
Hi!
So, what's the big news?
Is Rachael pregnant?
Mom, no. I'll tell you, okay?
Okay, okay. I know you use protection.
- Wow, you need to do something about this.
- What?
- Well, call the landlord, the paint's peeling.
- It's fine.
- Give me his number, I'll call him.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- That's new.
- ADAM: Yeah. Rachael made it.
- It's called Oppression.
- No, it's Liberation.
That's right, that one's Liberation.
Oppression is in the bathroom.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Nice.
- Thank you.
DIANE: Sweetheart, your pills.
There you go.
So, what's the special occasion?
I want to tell you something, but...
I just need you to promise me
you're gonna stay calm.
Adam, don't be so overdramatic.
- Mom, just promise, okay?
- Okay, I promise.
You always make me out to be
some irrational loon.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
- Have you ever seen Terms of Endearment?
- Mmm-hmm.
Jesus, Adam. Just tell her.
Tell me what?
(SIGHS) I have cancer.
What do you mean you have cancer?
I have cancer.
What do you want me to say?
When did this happen?
A couple of days ago.
A couple of days ago?
You waited a couple of days to tell me?
I'm sorry. You're right.
Honey.
- I'm moving in.
- What? No. No, Mom. No.
- I'm your mother, Adam.
- No! Exactly. That's why.
And look, you already have enough
on your plate with him.
Who's gonna take you
to your appointments?
You don't even drive a car.
Who's gonna look after you?
Me.
I'm going to take care of him.
Mom. Mom! Mom!
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna make you some green tea.
Can you just come back? Come sit down.
I heard on the Today show that
it reduces your risk of cancer by 15%.
Well, I already have cancer.
So, can you just please come
and sit down. Okay?
(DIANE CRYING)
- Hi, I'm looking for Dr. McKay.
- Second door down there.
(SIGHS)
Come in!
- Hi.
- Can I help you?
I'm supposed to have an appointment
with Dr. McKay?
Oh!
Sorry. (LAUGHS)
Please come in
and please call me Katherine. Hi.
- You're Dr. McKay.
- I am. Uh...
Well, have a seat. Sit down, please.
Sorry about this guy.
- You're Adam.
- Yeah.
And aren't you supposed to be wearing
an earth-toned sweater
and be like 65 or something?
Did someone say I looked like that?
No, no, no. I'm just... Sorry.
If you don't mind, how old are you?
- Twenty-four.
- You're 24. Wow!
So, what, are you like Doogie Howser
or something?
Who?
Doogie Howser? Teenage doctor.
- Does he work here?
- No, no.
I just meant you seem a little young
to be a doctor.
Technically I'm not a doctor yet.
I'm actually working on my doctorate.
- Okay.
- Yeah, this is a training hospital.
I see. So have you had very many patients?
My patient history is not...
- I'm your first patient, aren't I?
- (LAUGHS) No.
- No?
- No, not at all.
- Second?
- No.
Third?
Wow, okay, third.
How are the first two doing?
- Can't talk about that.
- Right.
So this is training for you?
It will be part of my dissertation.
Oh, so you write about all of this?
Don't worry, I don't use your real name.
(SCOFFS) Okay. That's fine.
Well, Dr. Ross
(CLEARS THROAT)
filled me in on your situation.
Yeah.
This must be incredibly difficult
that all this...
- How do you feel right now?
- Fine. Yeah, I feel...
I can't remember being so calm
in a long time.
That's a really common symptom
in patients like yourself.
Actually your body is in survival mode,
so what you're experiencing is shock.
What? I think I'm actually just fine.
Right, but that's why you're feeling
the sense of calm.
Would you describe what you're feeling
as a kind of numbness?
No, I'd describe it as fine.
- Because certain patients feel like...
- I feel great.
(SIGHS) Well, that's wonderful.
- I think that's wonderful.
- Thanks.
If it's okay with you, I think maybe today
we'll just start with some
simple relaxation exercises.
- I am relaxed.
- I know you are.
Um...
But just humor me?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
If you want to lie down.
- Lie down?
- Yeah.
(NEW AGE MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay.
And close your eyes.
Really?
Yeah.
For this to work,
you're gonna have to trust me.
Yeah. They're closed.
Okay.
RACHAEL: No peeking,
keep your eyes closed.
Okay, open your eyes.
Surprise!
His name is Skeletor.
He's a retired race dog.
You got me an old dog?
Well, he's not that old.
He's old enough to be retired.
Having a dog helps
with the healing process.
What, does he have a medical license?
RACHAEL: Okay, forget it. I can just bring
him back to the shelter in the morning.
ADAM: Well, then what happens to him?
He will be put back in his tiny cage
with 10 other dogs
who will bully and rape him
until he's eventually euthanized.
Okay, fine, I'll keep the dog.
- Really?
- Yeah.
This is gonna be so good for you.
I promise.
(GRUNTS NONCOMMITTALLY)
KYLE: This whole party was my idea.
I thought maybe we could just,
you know, celebrate his life.
I mean, he's gonna be better. Right?
It's not like he...
I hope so. But, you know, I just...
I'm not even thinking about that.
Tonight I thought it was best not to think
about whether he gets better or doesn't.
I just thought we should celebrate
the Adam that we all know and love.
Have you started chemo yet?
So, what kind of cancer you got?
You want to know the secret
to beating this thing?
My uncle had what you have.
I like to get touched when I cry.
I don't know about you.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
I'm gonna miss you too, Phil.
Hey, Phil.
Yeah, buddy?
You know, I want you to know I'm still
gonna finish that Mount Moa Moa story.
You take as much time as you need.
I can't wait to hear that.
Thanks.
You know, I just wanted to say that
you've been really great
these last couple of weeks.
And then today making me breakfast
and coming with me. It's just really great.
- Thanks for saying that.
- Thank you.
Oh, Adam.
- Are you coming?
- If it's cool, could I just wait here?
- Well, you know it's like four hours, right?
- Yeah, yeah, no, I know.
So you're just gonna sit here
for four hours?
Honey, I don't want to mix that world
and, you know, this world.
It's like an energy thing. You know?
Okay. All right.
(RACHAEL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Good luck.
- Adam Lerner?
- Yep.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(NEW COUNTRY PLAYING)
Oh, I'm all alone
- This way, my baby.
- (COUGHING)
I know you're still listening to me
Isn't a lot as far as I see
You want a macaroon?
Oh, thanks. I'm all right.
There's weed in them.
Oh.
Yeah, thank you. But I don't do weed.
Come on, man, just get high with us.
Okay.
- Thanks.
- Sure.
MITCH: Hey.
- How old are you?
- I'm 27.
That's the worst.
What a waste of a perfectly good youth.
Don't listen to him.
He's just messing with you.
No, no, you listen to me.
You know, this cancer is bullshit.
See, first, all your hair falls out.
Then your balls are gonna shrink.
And then to make matters worse,
your dick becomes a constant source
of disappointment.
You know, I was kind of scared
about this whole cancer thing.
But now I've met you guys
and, boy, do I feel better.
Thank you.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I'm Alan Lombardo, stage three lymphoma.
Pleased to meet you.
Mitch Barnett, metastatic prostate cancer.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, I'm Adam Lerner,
schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma.
Whoo! What the fuck is that?
Tough break.
The more syllables, the worse it is.
(ALAN CHUCKLES)
- These are really good.
- Yeah, my wife made them.
Are they, uh...
How strong are they?
Stee-rong.
(TO LOVE SOMEBODY PLAYING)
There's a light
A certain kind of light
That never shone on me
I want my life to be lived with you
Lived with you
There's a way
Everybody say
To do each and every little thing
But what does it bring
If I ain't got you?
Ain't got
Baby, you don't know what it's like
Baby, you don't know what it's like
To love somebody
To love somebody
The way I love you
Oh, no, no
You don't know what it's like
Baby, you don't know...
(VOMITING)
(COUGHING)
(VOMITING CONTINUES)
Adam, are you okay?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
KATHERINE: So, how are you feeling,
after your first chemo?
It feels pretty bad, I gotta say.
My head hurts right now.
Yeah.
From what I understand, it's really rough.
Um... But it will pass.
Mmm.
I think it's important to remember that
these side effects are completely normal.
Well, that's good. I would hate to feel
special in some kind of way.
I'm sensing some anger, which is good.
I'm not angry.
Why would that be good?
Because you're expressing yourself.
You're dealing with a really serious illness
and it brings up a lot of emotions.
So you're trying to make me freak out
or something, right? Is that the goal here?
I'm not trying to make you freak out.
I do want you to get in touch with
what you're feeling inside.
- So, if you're angry...
- I'm not angry! Okay? (SIGHS)
Let's just do the relaxation things, okay?
Can we do that? I want to hear sitars,
and go to my happy place
and feel the warm beam of light.
- Can we do that?
- I see.
I'm sorry. I'm just being an asshole.
I didn't need to say that.
I don't need you to take care of me.
I'm trying to take care of you.
You're right.
Listen, there are a couple of books
I want you to check out.
A lot of people find them really helpful.
You don't have to read them cover-to-cover.
Just take a look
and see if anything resonates.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Sorry. Are you gonna, like,
keep touching me like that?
- This?
- Yeah.
I'm, uh...
I'm trying to make you feel more at ease.
That's gonna make me feel more at ease?
It's like being slapped by a sea otter.
Touching promotes trust.
It's one of the key ways
that hospital practitioners
make their patients
feel more secure in stressful situations.
Yeah, but it's just...
That's not gonna help.
Really? A sea otter?
Is this... Is that kind of better?
- Okay, this is getting creepy.
- I'm sorry.
Okay, you don't like that. That's fine.
You shouldn't do this.
You're making a mistake.
You're gonna look weird, man.
- What do you mean?
- It's gonna look fucking weird.
What are you talking about?
Who knows if you've got some big
Gorbachev bird shit thing on your head.
- You said that you liked this idea.
- I liked the idea in theory.
Now that we're standing here
about to do it,
I think you're gonna look like fucking
Michael Stipe or something.
- We have to do it.
- I'm not doing it, man.
- We have to do it.
- You do it. I'm not fucking doing it.
- Come on. Do it.
- No way.
- You said you would.
- I don't want to,
'cause if it looks fucked up
you're gonna blame me
every time you look
at your weird-looking bald head.
- (RAZOR BUZZING)
- What? Wait a minute.
(TURNS OFF RAZOR)
What do you use this for?
You know, my body hair.
When was the last time you cleaned this?
Like brand new.
- That's great.
- Totally clean.
- Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
- (RAZOR BUZZING)
Oh, fuck. Dude.
Holy shit.
Cut that part off.
- Shit.
- You want to do one?
Yeah, can I? Okay, I'm gonna do it.
(EXCLAIMING)
I don't want to do it anymore.
You kinda got a Klingon thing
going on here.
You could pass for Worf
from Star Trek.
- Looks totally good.
- It's totally uneven.
Totally normal.
Is this attached? Jesus Christ.
Looks okay, right?
No, looks really weird.
- We shouldn't have done this.
- Yeah, big mistake.
Why didn't we go to a barber?
That would have been a good idea.
If we paid someone to do it.
Using your fucking balls trimmer
instead of going to the barber.
I never wash them, ever.
And it's not my balls, it's my asshole.
- I'm joking.
- You're not joking.
Not at all.
- How come we've never met Rachael?
- Yeah, what the fuck?
Yeah, hospitals kind of freak her out, so...
MITCH: Hmm.
What?
Well, Adam,
nobody likes going to the hospital.
That's not why people go.
No, no, you don't get it. it's like she doesn't
want to mix the negative and the positive.
It's an energy thing.
Sounds to me like a bullshit thing.
Well, you can meet her if you want.
She's gonna pick me up right after this.
If you want to meet her.
I'm sure she would love to meet you guys.
Sure.
She's really great.
You guys are gonna like her a lot.
Okay.
Hey, it's me again.
Just calling to check if you're close.
I'll talk to you soon. Okay. See you.
So you need a ride, kid?
Oh, no, she's gonna come.
I'm sure she is just hung up or something.
You guys should probably go, though.
You could meet her next time.
Yeah, sure.
- See you, Adam.
- See you.
(EXHALING)
Adam, I know. I'm sorry.
Please don't be mad.
- I was calling you for like an hour.
- (SIGHS)
Yeah, my cell phone died.
You know, you don't have to do this.
I'm sorry, I am. I know I fucked up.
I gave you an out.
I'm doing my best.
Can we just go home?
(RACHAEL SIGHS)
KYLE: "Inoperable Optimism.
"Cosper Schlegel,
un-American medical intuitive
"and mystic psychiatrist"?
Mystic psychiatrist?
What is that? Is he Frodo's psychiatrist?
Why would you buy that?
Because the therapist lady said to buy it.
So, I don't know,
what else am I gonna do?
- Let's go to Mardi Gras.
- I have a girlfriend.
Why would I go to Mardi Gras?
You have a girlfriend. Yeah, I forgot.
Why would you go to Mardi Gras
when you're busy here
not getting blow jobs and hand jobs?
You know what? If you're not
gonna take advantage of this then I am.
- Hi, Claire. Hi. I'm Kyle.
- Hi.
Could you help me find
some of these, please?
Yeah. Sure.
Are these for you? I'm sorry,
- that's really none of my business.
- No. Don't worry. No, thank God.
They're actually for my friend.
That guy over there.
- That little guy in the hat.
- Yeah.
They're for him. He's my buddy.
He's really, really sick.
That's awful.
He's got type four back cancer, and...
- Oh, no. Really?
- I know, yeah.
- It's really sad.
- Poor guy.
I don't focus on that. I focus on the
positive. I take him out to bookstores.
I like to take him for walks.
I take him out to get snacks and
to plays, stuff like
that, while he has time.
That's nice of you.
- Yeah. So where are...
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- They're just over this way.
- No problem. Yeah.
- All right, there you are.
- Thank you.
- Thank you. Bye.
- Bye.
- I'll see you tonight.
- Okay.
Bye, Claire. Nice to meet you, Claire.
Thank you, Claire.
(RINGING)
(SIGHS)
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
- Hi, Mom.
- Jesus, what took you so long to pick up?
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
I just didn't hear the phone ring.
Do you need anything?
I was about to go to Rite Aid for your father
Listen, I'll come over.
I'll make you some dinner.
I'll pick up some macaroni and cheese.
I haven't liked macaroni and cheese
since I was like ten.
- You haven't?
- Actually Rachael's coming over later.
So, I'm totally fine. Don't worry so much.
Fine, if you say so. I love you.
Love you.
(SIGHS)
MAN: Hi.
Oh, this one's really cool.
- Look at that.
- My friend did this actually.
- No way.
- Yeah.
- Your friend's a real talent.
- I know.
Uh-oh.
I think I got a new favorite.
That's so amazing.
It's like a circle,
but then they add a line in the middle.
And that totally sets it off.
It's like totally different.
- Yeah. Simple.
- Holy shit, there's two of them.
What the fuck?
So what do you think about this one?
Oh.
This is genius.
I mean, I'm having like
an emotional thing going on.
It's fucking gorgeous.
It's... You know, it's beautiful.
Oh, my God, I should've known
I would see her here.
- It's a fucking gallery opening, right?
- Who is she?
You know my friend,
the one who's sick with cancer?
That's his girlfriend.
I'm gonna go get some wine.
She doesn't really look like
she's anyone's girlfriend.
No fucking way. No fucking way.
(CLICKS)
(GRUNTING) Oh!
I fucking nailed that cunt.
Can you believe that?
Oh, God.
I don't usually say that.
(DOOR UNLOCKS)
(DOOR OPENS)
Hi.
I'm sorry.
I didn't want to wake you.
Come here.
(FAKE YAWN) I'm just... I'm so tired.
Let's just go to bed, okay?
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Oh, my God!
Surprise, it's Kyle.
- What's happening, guys?
- RACHAEL: Hi, Kyle.
What time is it?
Did I come at a bad time?
Am I interrupting something?
We were just about to go to bed.
I'm sorry. I was in the neighborhood.
I was just on a date.
Claire, the girl I met at the bookstore?
My date did not go well, unfortunately,
due to a lack of chemistry and, I think,
an overuse of profanity on my part.
But whilst on my date,
- I ran into Rachael.
- Oh, yeah?
And I would like to present to you
what I have grown to call
exhibit whore!
Look at it! That's Rachael.
And that's a fucking filthy
Jesus-looking motherfucker!
And they're kissing! I did it!
I fucking nailed you!
I've hated you for months!
And now I have fucking evidence
that you suck as a person!
Holy shit! Holy shit!
Nothing? Nothing?
Okay. You guys should talk about this.
What? Were you cheating on me?
Listen...
- Yes.
- Seriously?
Adam...
(SIGHS)
You have no idea how hard it's been.
I don't know how to do this.
This has been so stressful,
and you've been so sick.
And shit! Okay, you know what?
Kyle is the one
who has been using your cancer for girls.
All right?
You told me that. All right?
So why am I the bad guy?
Because you're his girlfriend,
you cheated on him.
He has fucking cancer, you lunatic!
Okay, Adam, we had problems
long before you got sick.
And then when you got sick,
I just didn't know what to do.
Well, then...
Why are you here then?
Why do you spend every night in my bed?
I didn't want to abandon you.
Let's just go to bed.
And we will talk about this tomorrow.
All right? I'm sorry.
I can't stand in the kitchen
and listen to this bullshit any longer.
You gotta get out of here.
This is crazy!
- You're so weird.
- Adam...
This is the most uncomfortable
situation ever!
- Just leave!
- RACHAEL: Yeah.
- And then we're gonna talk tomorrow.
- Get up!
No, you won't!
Why will you talk tomorrow?
- I care about you, Adam. All right?
- This is disgusting.
- It's not like this.
- You are reprehensible.
- That's what this behavior is.
- Shut up for a second.
Kyle does not have your best interests
in mind.
All right?
I've thought that for a very long time.
- I didn't fuck a filthy bearded hippy.
- I want you to know that.
- I didn't make out with a disgusting hippy.
- I care about you.
- Fuck you!
- You're disgusting.
KYLE: This is the best thing
that has ever happened to you.
- Why?
- Why?
You deserve better. Way better.
If I was your girlfriend,
you know what I would be doing?
I'd be sucking your cock every
thirty minutes.
I'd be baking you fucking cookies all day
and shit.
- What kind of cookies?
- Any kind.
You'd make me snickerdoodle cookies?
I'd bathe you in snickerdoodle cookies.
- I'm getting nauseous.
- Actually?
No, that was a joke.
- Hi.
- Oh! Look at this guy.
I love greyhounds. Hi. What's his name?
Skeletor.
- This is Marlow.
- Marlow! Hello, Marlow! Look at this guy.
- Do you guys live around here?
- Yeah, we sure do.
He's licking his balls.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
- That was awesome.
- That was wonderful.
Yeah, we should probably go.
He gets cold
- when he's not moving.
- Yeah, okay.
- Right.
- ADAM: Nice to meet you.
Okay. Okay. Nice to meet you.
- Bye. Nice to meet you.
- Come on.
You could've fucked the shit
out of that girl. You know that?
- What are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?
No one wants to fuck me.
I look like Voldemort.
No, you don't.
It doesn't matter, man. Seriously.
You just invite her out on a doggy date,
tell her you have cancer,
and fuck the shit out of her.
You really think that a girl's gonna
go for me just 'cause I have cancer?
For the millionth time, yes!
You're fucking single now.
Dude, help me help you get laid.
- You think that would work?
- It would totally work.
All right, let's do it.
KYLE: Lots of hot girls!
Good odds tonight. Lots!
- Okay, right there.
- Yep. All right.
Blue shirt. Go for it.
Just talk, spark up a conversation.
Hey, how's it going?
Okay, you know what I would do?
Get into the cancer thing faster.
- Faster?
- Faster.
- She didn't say anything.
- I know,
but it's your hook, man. It's what you got.
You know?
So, what, that's the first thing I say?
Just like, "Hello, I have cancer."
That's what makes you different.
It's what sets you apart.
- You know, you're sympathetic.
- Okay. Okay.
- Just try it.
- Okay.
(WOMEN CHATTERING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- It's a great song.
- Totally.
I have cancer.
I was wrong. I was wrong. It was weird.
- It's weird like that.
- That's too soon.
- It doesn't sound cool.
- No.
I'm Kyle. How's it going?
- Allison. This is Jackie.
- Allison? Jackie.
ALLISON: Nice to meet you.
KYLE: Nice to meet you guys.
- It's my birthday today!
- ALLISON: Happy birthday!
Cheers!
- I'm here with my buddy, actually.
- The skinny one?
- One second.
- Yeah.
Look, I met two nice girls.
They're right there.
- Yeah, they're cute.
- Yeah, let's go over.
- Are they nice?
- They're very nice.
- They're talking to you?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Take the hat off.
- Take it off. Take it off.
- I'm not taking it off.
What do you guys do?
I just designed the website for the Swiffer.
- The Swiffer? Really?
- Yeah.
Sorry, I got excited. I'm a fan. I
kike Swiffer. I use it for everything.
Mopping and sweeping.
I just got a dog and he sheds a lot.
And when there's hair all over the place
I just use a wet cloth. Taken care of.
That's cool. What's your dog's name?
His name is Skeletor. Cool guy.
- It's kind of...
- Warm in here, isn't it?
- Oh, you're so bald.
- No, no. It's just cancer.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Cancer.
Yeah, I have cancer. It's not contagious.
Oh, my God.
Well, what Kind of cancer is it?
It's spinal.
It's in his spine.
I didn't even know that was possible.
How did you get it?
Bad mattress.
- He's joking. It was a joke.
- Oh!
- He's just kidding.
- Oh, my God.
See. He still has a sense of humor about it.
He's inspirational.
- It's an inspiration.
- Very cute.
Can I... May we touch it?
JACKIE: Is that weird?
- Yeah, if you want to.
- You can do more than touch it. Come on.
Oh... Oh, this is a really nice head.
KYLE: Play with it a little.
Let's all rub it together.
It will grow if you rub it enough.
VENDOR: There you go.
What are you doing? Are you okay?
(CLEARS THROAT)
I've got to go to sleep.
No, man. You can't.
We have to be awake when they're awake.
That's how we have sex.
That's the whole purpose of this.
Don't throw all this away.
Don't waste my time, man.
Okay. Can you give me an approximate time
when I'll be having sex?
Ninety-five minutes from now,
we'll be having sex.
- I'm not gonna make it.
- That's how fucking long it's gonna take.
I wish it was sooner.
These girls, 96 minutes.
Hey, what's happening? Look at that.
- Got a wiener.
- You got one!
So, you guys want to hit up Lash?
I know the DJ.
- Oh, nice.
- I'm gonna have to crash out.
Sorry, I'm just exhausted.
The chemo just takes it out of you.
But, you know, I have some really potent
medical weed at my house
if you want to come over?
- That sounds fun.
- That does sound fun!
That's a great idea. I love that.
- Game on!
- Yeah, let's do it. Nice!
Let's do it. Let's get a cab.
There's cabs over here.
Sensational. That's pimping.
That was actually very pimp.
That was impressive.
(GROANS)
I'm sorry, am I hurting you?
- No, no, keep going.
- Okay.
Are you sure? 'Cause you just don't really
look like you're having a good time.
Mmm. No, but it does...
It hurts. I'm sorry. Yeah, my back is...
- Yeah, maybe you should just...
- I'll get off you.
Maybe...
- Yeah, if you don't...
- Sorry.
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
KYLE: I wonder what the machine gun
budget on this film was.
You can't afford actors,
but you need one million machine guns.
- Can we watch something else?
- No, I want to see how this ends.
(SIGHS)
(MOUTHING) I fucked her.
Adam?
- Oh, hi.
- Hey.
What are you doing?
Good old chemotherapy.
Oh. Waiting for the bus.
I'm on my way home right now.
I have my car if you want a ride.
I'm used to the bus.
- Thank you.
- No, I can't just let you...
I can't make you wait for the bus.
I live kind of far away.
I won't take no for an answer.
Sorry about the mess.
I'm not good at getting rid of stuff.
Yeah, I see.
Let me know if you need to pull over,
or anything.
Like if the chemo's...
If you feel nauseous, just say the word
and I'll pull right over.
Okay, thanks.
So you don't have a car.
No, I don't even have a license actually.
Why not?
It's incredibly dangerous.
It's like the fifth leading cause of death.
Which is, I guess, just a few behind cancer.
Still, the bus?
The bus after chemo?
Yeah. Well, usually Rachael drives me.
But we broke up.
She kind of cheated on me.
Oh, um...
Adam, do you want to talk about this?
You know what? Actually, no.
Let's not do the therapy in the car.
- You're just giving me a ride as a friend.
- Yeah, Adam, if...
You know, what we should really talk about
is, you have trash on your floor.
And there's no reason.
You know, at least have a bag in the back
to put the trash in.
Adam, your girlfriend cheated on you.
We don't have to talk about it.
We don't have to.
I just broke up with somebody
recently myself.
- You did?
- Yeah, it sucks.
- Sorry.
- No. Well, it's good because...
- We actually shouldn't be talking about it.
- Why not?
It's not appropriate for me
to tell you personal things
because the patient-therapist relationship
doesn't really work
if you know all my problems.
Admittedly I do check his Facebook
like every day
to see if he's dating somebody new,
which is so pathetic.
I shouldn't have said that.
I should have stopped.
Yeah.
- We could just listen to the radio.
- Yes.
(DAYS GONE DOWN PLAYING)
And our day is coming by and by
I'm traveling this long road to be with you
- Stop the car.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, let's just stop.
- I'm stopping the car.
- I just...
- What are you doing?
I just can't handle this mess.
Are you serious?
Adam.
You don't have to. That's my dinner.
The brown thing is my dinner.
- Which one?
- That... This thing.
- You're gonna eat that?
- This is new. Don't judge me.
Hey, nice. Look at that.
Could you unlock the door?
- Thanks for the ride.
- No problem.
- Thank you for cleaning my car.
- Yeah.
- I'll see you next week.
- Okay.
Okay.
Uh... Are you gonna be okay by yourself?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'll be totally fine.
- Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hey, Adam?
Listen.
I just want you to have my cell number.
Just if you need anything. You have it.
Thanks. Did I just, like, score your digits?
- No.
- No. That was a joke.
That's fine.
- I don't know why I said that.
- No, that's okay.
That would be inappropriate.
Of course. I know that.
It's a defense mechanism. And that's fine.
Yeah.
That's for emergencies.
- And if you need someone to talk to.
- Yeah.
- Good night. Okay.
- Good night. Thank you.
MALE NARRATOR ON TV: The great white.
It is the largest predator in the sea.
I thought the deserts were crazy.
The ocean's fucking nuts, man.
I like the trees.
The trees are gonna be bananas.
Jesus!
(WATER BUBBLING IN BONG)
(ADAM COUGHING)
You okay?
- Lift your elbows above your ears.
- What are you talking about?
- It helps you stop coughing.
- I'm not doing that.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
I always heard it would
help you stop coughing.
I'm just here to pick up my things
and then I'll get out of your way.
- Yeah, I put all your things in a box.
- Okay.
It's outside the door.
You walked right past it.
Oh.
Well, then I guess I'll be on my way.
You're smoking weed?
Well, it's medicinal.
You got a prescription
for medicinal marijuana?
No, I got a prescription
for medicinal marijuana.
Adam was too afraid.
Well, what's wrong with you, Kyle?
I have night blindness.
My cones and rods are askew
and weed fixes it.
You took down my painting.
Well, it didn't really fit there
with the new TV.
Adam, can I talk to you outside
for a second, please?
Yeah.
It's all right.
So, how are you feeling?
Pretty awesome.
I wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry.
Well...
I'm sorry, too.
I mean, I know this wasn't easy for you.
I'm sorry I didn't come to your opening.
It's just because I hate you so much.
I'm glad you didn't come.
It was a complete disaster.
No one bought any of my paintings.
That's weird, they're so good.
Really?
Yeah, they're great.
I'm sorry that happened.
It's just, you know,
you'll get them next time.
Oh, God.
(SIGHS) I don't want to break up.
I can do better.
We can start over again,
and I'll just do better.
You should go.
Really, you should. You should go.
I don't want to go.
I want to stay here with you.
No. No. You know what? Seriously.
You should get
the fuck off my porch. Now.
That's the box.
- Your painting?
- I made it for you.
(CRYING PLAYING)
I was all right
For a while
I could smile for a while
But I saw you last night
You held my hand so tight
As you stopped to say, "Hello"
You wished me well
You couldn't tell
That I'd been crying over you
Crying over you
Then you said, "So long"
Left me standing all alone
Alone and crying
- It actually looks a lot better.
- It's not that bad like this.
Yeah. We could hang this up.
You were around before TV, right?
(ALL LAUGHING)
No, 'cause I want to hear about the radio.
Because the radio used to be like
a really... We work in radio, right?
Yeah.
Like, they talk about people
just sitting around
and listening to the radio, like, actively.
Glued to the radio. Yeah.
Well, what did you listen to?
Little Orphan Annie.
KYLE: What did you look at while you were
listening to it? Just nothing?
It engaged everything somehow.
What kind of stuff do you guys do?
I'm doing this piece on a volcano.
I do radio that I think people
would actually want to listen to.
Mostly stuff about food.
- Best hamburger. Best hamburger in Seattle.
- People like to listen...
KYLE: You'd listen to that as opposed to,
"Hey, coming up next,
"you're gonna hear a guy talk about
a volcano for twenty minutes."
- MITCH: You know what I'd do?
- What?
I'd turn on the TV.
KYLE: (LAUGHING) Yeah.
That would be a very good idea.
It's not the same.
MITCH: What do you mean,
it's not the same?
You get audio and video.
Guys, Bernie blended up some Wheatgrass.
- ADAM: Thank you.
- You're welcome.
It's like drinking liquid lawn cuttings.
(TOASTING IN RUSSIAN)
Jesus! Bernie, Adam.
It's a pleasure to finally meet you.
Hi, Adam.
And this is my friend, Kyle.
- Oh, God.
- Good, you like it.
It's not good.
So, Adam, I'm surprised.
The way Mitch talks about you
I thought you were much older.
He's 85 years old.
He just looks really good.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Okay, I got to go.
No, no, honey. Come on, stay.
Stick around. I haven't seen you all day.
- Are you all right?
- I'm good.
Good stuff. Good stuff.
Really good stuff. I love you.
I love you, too.
ADAM: Mom, I'm sorry.
I can't talk about this anymore.
I'm at an appointment, okay?
And I'm late already.
Yes, I'm here. I'm standing in the office
talking on the phone to you.
So I'm just gonna get off.
I just want to know
if you tried those recipes.
Okay.
Do you know what you're gonna make
for dinner?
I don't know what I'm gonna make
for dinner.
I'll figure something out, okay?
I'm hanging up now. Goodbye.
Bye. I love you.
Me, too. Bye.
(SIGHING) God. Sorry about that.
Don't worry about it. I have parents, too.
Do yours give you migraines?
Well, I would talk to my therapist
about my parents.
Really?
Yeah, we could do role play.
I'll be your mom.
Oh, God, no. That's disgusting.
Why is that disgusting?
Uh...
No, it's not. I mean, okay, my mom...
I don't know. She's a crazy person.
She just worries all day every day.
And honestly it annoys the shit out of me.
It's way too much.
And it's not helpful
and I can't talk to her.
I don't call her back.
It's a problem.
So she's got this husband
that can't talk to her
and this son that won't?
Yeah, I guess.
Makes you kind of a dick.
Me? (LAUGHS)
Is that like the medical term?
Yeah, I mean, listen...
You can't change who your parents are.
The only thing you can change
is how you choose to deal with that.
Aren't you supposed to, like, subtly
manipulate me into figuring this stuff out?
Not just call me on my shit?
Yeah, you cleaned my car.
So we're completely beyond that.
It's weird, isn't it? Shouldn't have
done it. Shouldn't have gone for it.
- It was good. It was good. It's all right.
- No, it wasn't. It was so forced, I'm sorry.
- Try it again. I was too far.
- Okay.
- If I'm a little closer.
- It'll make it really natural.
- Yeah.
- Totally.
That was better.
FEMALE NURSE: Okay.
- You're all set.
- Thanks.
(MACHINE BEEPING)
Where's Mitch?
He died last night.
We were just with him. He was fine.
What happened?
What does it matter? His heart stopped.
(INAUDIBLE)
PRIEST: "He leads me in the paths
of righteousness for his name's sake.
"Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death
"I will fear no evil for thou art with me.
"Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
"Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies."
STEPHEN COLBERT ON TV:
Nation, I have your test results.
(COUGHING)
Good news! You're me-positive.
This is Cheating Death
with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert.
MALE REPORTER:
... speculation, Mount Moa Moa,
located on the highlands of Savai'i,
erupted early this morning,
shooting a plume of black ash and smoke
nearly four miles into the air.
Initial reports this morning suggested
that Mount Moa Moa was getting weaker.
Our analyst can now confirm that
the volcano is actually growing stronger.
Again, Mount Moa Moa has just erupted.
This is live footage taken...
So, I think I'm starting to realize
I'm probably gonna die.
- Did something happen?
- No, it's just... Look at me.
I wake up and I look in the mirror
and, like, it's pretty obvious, you know.
Mitch died. Alan's probably gonna die.
And, you know, so am I.
You don't know that.
And a lot of what you're feeling right now
is from the treatment.
I know, but it's... Look.
Thank you,
but you don't have to try and cheer me up.
I'm actually really okay with it. You know.
Okay, I'm gonna die.
You're gonna die.
You know, hopefully a lot later than I am.
It's just what happens. And, you know,
it doesn't really mean anything anyway.
Okay. I mean, Adam, right now
you're going through
what's called the alienation phase.
And I know that you feel really helpless.
But I think it's important to remember
that the way you feel
is completely normal
for someone in your situation.
Sorry, but I just have to call you on this.
It's just bullshit.
It's what everybody has been saying
from the beginning.
Like, "Well, you'll feel better,"
and, "Don't worry," and, "This is all fine."
And, like, it's not. You know?
I don't know why everybody's
so fucking scared to just say it.
Like, "You're dying, dude."
It makes it worse that
no one will just say it.
Okay. Um...
Adam, I'm here to help you.
I'm trying to help you.
Why?
So thirty years from now
you can be at some cocktail party,
and tell an inspiring anecdote
about your third patient ever,
and how you coached him
into feeling normal right before he died?
Okay, Adam, I'm sorry
if I'm saying the wrong things.
I'm trying. I really am.
No, you know what? This just isn't working.
I don't know why I came here.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
ON VOICEMAIL: This is Kyle.
I'm not around. Leave a message.
(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)
Hey, man.
I'm just calling to see if you could take me
to the doctor's appointment tomorrow.
It's the big one. So...
DIANE: Oh, my God! What's wrong?
(SIGHS HEAVILY)
Hi, Mom.
FEMALE NURSE: The doctor's just in
with another patient.
He should be out in a few minutes.
Are you guys holding up all right?
It's cold in here. Is there any way
you can lower the air conditioning?
Unfortunately the temperature
is controlled by a central thermostat.
My son has cancer.
Really, if I could I would.
But there is nothing I can do.
Don't worry about it. I'm fine.
- Are you sure? I can get you a blanket.
- I'm really okay. Thanks.
- I'd love a blanket.
- We're fine.
Okay, but if you need anything
you let me know.
I don't like her.
You're warm.
I'm fine. (CLEARS THROAT)
DIANE: Hmm.
- ADAM: What?
- Nothing.
What?
He just went to a state college, that's all.
You're unbelievable.
I just worry you're not getting
the best care possible.
Would you just stop it? Please?
I'm not him. I can take care of myself.
It's just so hard
when you won't let me take care of you.
- It's just really hard.
- I am letting you take care of me.
You drove me here,
didn't you? Didn't you?
And what about you?
What about me?
(SIGHS) How are you?
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
You know, what's going on in your life?
The highlight of my week is this
cancer support group I've been going to.
You're going to a support group?
It's for parents whose kids have cancer.
I didn't know you were doing that.
How could you? You never call me back.
You're right. I'm sorry.
You don't have to say you're sorry.
Sorry to keep you folks waiting.
Anyway, I will cut to the chase.
The cancer is not responding to the chemo.
As you can see the tumor is continuing
to grow here along the nerve.
We have to remove it now,
or we risk metastasis.
- Okay, so what do we do?
- We need to operate.
Now I've moved some things around
and I can get you in this Thursday morning
with Dr. Walderson.
She is one of our finest neurosurgeons.
But he's gonna be okay, right?
You're going to fix it.
Considering the placement
and the size of the tumor,
a surgery of this nature
is always very dangerous
and potentially life-threatening itself.
The surgeons will attempt to be
very aggressive.
However if we are not successful
in removing the cancer,
then unfortunately
we will be out of options.
KYLE: I'm not gonna bring up the fact
that your surgery is tomorrow.
I'm not even thinking about it.
So, don't worry about it,
'cause I'm not gonna bring it up.
You remember the last time we were here?
Yeah. It was prom night.
(LAUGHS)
The memory seems really far away.
Yeah. It was a long time ago.
I don't even remember who you went with.
Nora Mattingly.
That girl... That girl sucked.
You knew how to pick them.
- Even then I think you knew.
- Yeah.
Well, she seemed sweet.
No, she didn't. She always sucked.
- You just always hate my girlfriends.
- That's not true.
Okay, it is actually.
But it's because you always date people
who are fucking dickheads, man.
You date needy bitches. Why?
It's fucking cold.
And it's only midnight.
Dude, let's go to the bar, man.
Let's try to get laid.
- What's the fucking point?
- Come on. Live in the now.
- I have fun with that.
- I know you have fun with it.
Well, you could, too, maybe. Let's do it.
You're drunk.
It worked. Take your hat off. (LAUGHS)
- You're just gonna leave this here?
- A homeless gentleman will collect it.
- Oh, fuck.
- Are you drunk?
- You're really drunk.
- I'm a little drunk.
You think I should drive?
I would let you drive
but you don't know how.
You don't have a license even.
That's so funny.
It might be my last chance.
- So you want to drive, right now?
- Yeah.
That's what you want to do?
That's your make-a-wish? To drive?
We could be having sex with hookers
while skydiving right now.
And instead you want to do something
I learned to do when I was fifteen?
Can I have the keys?
Okay. Be careful.
Whoa!
Just drive carefully.
Don't change my seat adjustment, okay?
It's all in places I like.
Okay. Okay. Now the first thing...
(TIRES SCREECHING)
What the fuck!
Make a left.
Make a left! It's a one-way street.
What the fuck! Jesus Christ!
There's a car! Wrong way! Wrong way!
Christ, dude. What the hell?
Adam! Stop, man!
Stop!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
What the fuck are you doing, man?
- You're being an idiot right now.
- Get out.
- Get out? This is my car.
- Get out of the car.
- Get out. Just get out!
- Don't hit me!
- I can't fucking let you do this.
- Get out!
Jesus Christ, man!
Shit.
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
KYLE: Oh, no.
No, you are not calling her, man!
After what she did to you!
You're a pussy, Adam.
You're a selfish piece of shit!
You care more about getting yourself
fucking laid than being my friend.
(PHONE RINGING)
- KATHERINE: Hello?
- Hey, it's Adam.
Adam? It's midnight. What's going on?
I'm just probably having
a nervous breakdown.
I think I just fractured my larynx.
I'm really, really glad that you called.
I just want it to be over.
(SIGHS) I'm so fucking tired of being sick.
You know, if this surgery doesn't work,
it's... That's it.
And I've never, you know...
I've never been to fucking Canada.
I've never told a girl I loved her.
(SIGHS)
It sounds stupid, doesn't it?
No, it doesn't.
Sorry. I was such an asshole the other day.
No, I was an asshole.
I was totally unprepared for you.
This job is really hard.
If I fuck up
I can ruin somebody's whole life.
Well, I guess we're both beginners at this.
Yeah.
What were you doing when I called?
Were you on Facebook?
You know, stalking my ex-boyfriend actually
isn't the only thing I do in my free time.
I wish you were my girlfriend.
Girlfriends can be nice.
You just had a bad one.
I bet you would be a good one.
(TAPPING ON WINDOW) Let me in,
man. Jesus. It's fucking freezing.
I'm gonna go.
- Yeah, it's no problem.
- Thanks.
Thanks for everything.
Good night.
(SIGHS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Come here, boy.
Yeah.
Okay. Ready?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- It's gonna be good. It's going to be fine.
- Yeah.
- DIANE: Adam.
- That's your mom.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Awesome.
So, I'll just... I'll park the car, I guess.
And then I'll come in and I'll see you
before you go in there, right?
Yeah, there's...
It depends on if they bring me in first.
- If not before then...
- Right after.
- Yeah, I'll see you after.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Take care, man.
Okay. I'll see you in there.
Thanks.
(CHATTERING)
- WALDERSON: Good morning, Adam.
- Hi.
I'm Dr. Walderson.
I'm gonna be doing your surgery today.
- How are you feeling?
- Great, thanks.
Good. Good, good.
So, we're gonna take excellent care
of you. The surgical team is top notch.
Just try to relax.
- See you later.
- Thanks.
- What's this?
- Standard paperwork.
Hospital liability and disclaimer forms,
and organ donor authorization.
- Sign right there.
- Okay.
Thanks.
- I got a new coat.
- Yeah?
Brooks Brothers. Silk pockets, feel.
- Feel.
- I'm feeling.
- Nice?
- Yeah.
Listen.
I know it's a little hard to follow
everything that's going on right now.
But I just want you to know,
I love you, very much.
- Okay.
- Okay, Dad.
Okay.
Hello, Adam. I'm Dr. Lee.
I am here to administer your anesthesia.
Okay. Hi.
Excuse me, please.
Now, just relax. I'm going to inject
the anesthesia through your IV.
It's gonna take a few moments
before you start to feel the effects.
You're doing it now?
If you guys just want to head over
to the waiting room that'd be great.
- And how long does it last?
- That really depends on the individual.
Right, but how do you know
it's gonna last long enough
so I don't wake up in
the middle of the surgery?
So that you make sure
that I'm gonna wake up after.
Mom.
Sweetie, you're gonna be just fine.
LEE: I'm really sorry but we need
to get Adam to the operating room.
Could you just wait a moment, please?
I'm sorry.
I love you.
(THE OTHER SIDE
OF MT. HEARTATTACK PLAYING)
I won't run far
I can always be found
I can always be found
Ah
Ah
If you need me
If you need me
If you need me
I can always be found
I can always be found
Ah
Ah
Ah
Ah
Ah
If you want me to stay
If you want me to stay
If you want me to stay
I will stay by your side
I will stay by your side
Ah
Ah
I won't run far
Ah
If you need me
If you need...
It's been five hours.
Has it?
Something's wrong,
we should have heard by now.
Don't worry.
Adam's gonna be fine. Okay?
- Um, Adam Lerner?
- Yeah.
Dr. Walderson's one of the best surgeons
in the country.
So, he's in good hands.
Who are you?
I'm Katherine.
- I'm...
- Therapist. Yeah.
I'm Kyle. I'm Adam's friend.
Hi. Hi.
These are Adam's parents.
It's nice to meet you guys.
Did he say I'm a dick? 'Cause I'm not.
I want you to know I smothered him
because I love him.
Seriously, did he say anything?
I can't. I wouldn't talk about
that kind of thing anyway.
Mr. and Mrs. Lerner?
So, as you can imagine with a surgery
of this magnitude,
there were some unforeseen complications.
The bone erosion was much greater
than initially anticipated.
We had to remove part of the hip and pelvis,
as well as most of the right psoas muscle.
We also had to remove a good amount of
the sheath tissue around the sciatic nerve.
It's not gonna be an easy road back,
but he's gonna be okay.
He's gonna be okay?
You should start
with that information, okay?
That should be the first thing you say.
Good. (LAUGHING)
DIANE: He's gonna be okay.
Thank you, Doctor. Thank you.
(MONITOR BEEPING)
Mommy.
My little boy.
- Hi, Dad.
- Adam.
- It's nice here. We got a good room.
- DIANE: I know.
We need to go on more vacations.
Yes, we'll go on a huge vacation.
We'll go to Hawaii.
- Hey.
- Hey, man.
What's up?
I'm afraid to touch you,
but it's good to see you, dude. Yeah.
Boom. (LAUGHING)
You look... You look really good.
I'm high as a motherfucker.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) we don't get high.
Cool, man.
It's you.
It is me.
How are you feeling?
Great. I love morphine.
What time is it?
Um... It's 8:00.
I was just working late
so I thought I would stop by.
Working late?
Do you have a new patient?
I got a few new patients actually.
That's good.
I want to make you pancakes sometime.
- That is really nice, Adam.
- You're gonna like it.
I'm peeing right now.
I'm not gonna look.
KYLE: Oh, it's gross!
Oh, God. Okay. I just need to...
Oh!
Oh, I keep looking back at it,
thinking it's gonna be less gross.
Can we just get it over with? Come on.
- Your mom does this?
- She does it all the time.
This is like Saw shit.
Your words are so comforting.
It's really reassuring.
- You're a good friend.
- Okay. I'm just gonna do it.
I'm just gonna act like it's nothing.
- I'm really proud of you, man.
- Okay. Let's just go.
Let's just do this.
Oh, I'm doing it. I'm inside of you!
- Wait, wait, wait. Is that your finger?
- What?
- Is that your finger?
- No.
- There's Q-tips.
- I know. I got one.
- That was your finger.
- It wasn't. What? Is it bad if it was?
Did you wash your hands?
It was a Q-tip the whole time.
Don't worry about it.
This looks like Kuato
from Total Recall.
- "The oxygen." (LAUGHING)
- No! Don't do that.
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
Can we get this going? It's 7:30 now.
Come on, put the bandage on.
Excuse me.
And you are ready for your date.
All right-y, there we go.
That's crazy. I look pretty good.
- I'd fuck you.
- Thanks.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Who could that be?
Go answer it. Just go.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You look nice.
Thanks. You, too. You look super nice.
- You want to come in?
- Yeah.
Nice place.
Look at you. Walking up a storm.
Oh, la, la, la, la.
(KYLE CLEARS THROAT)
- You remember Kyle.
- Yeah, hi.
- Hi.
- Good to see you. We met before.
I see you brought pizza which is good
because I haven't fed him yet all day.
I did just change the dressing on his wound.
- Yeah, he came to...
- If it starts seeping though,
I left all the stuff out.
There's some Vicodin in the bathroom
if you need it.
I know people take it recreationally,
but he actually needs it for his aches.
Are there channels he can't watch?
That's funny. See, she's cool.
So, you're doing your doctorate, I hear?
That's...
- Dude?
- Yeah.
- You're awesome.
- Yeah.
- Get the fuck out of here.
- Okay.
- She's cool. She's funny.
- I know.
So...
So...
Now what?
(YELLOWLEDBETTER PLAYING)
Unsealed on a porch a letter sat
Then you said,
"I want to leave it again"
Once I saw her
on a beach of weathered sand
And on the sand,
"I wanna leave it again"
Yeah
On a weekend, I wanna wish it all away, yeah
And they called and I said that
"I want what I said," then I call out again
And the reason ought to leave
her calm, I know
I said, "I know what I waited,
not a boxer or the bag"
Oh, yeah, can you see them
Out on the porch?
Yeah, but they don't wave
I see them
round the front way, yeah
And I know and I know
I don't wanna stay
At all
I don't wanna stay
I don't wanna stay
I don't... Don't wanna... Oh...
Yeah
Ooh...
Oh...