A Stand Up Guy (2016) Movie Script
1
How you doing?
Give me 300.
Come on, come on, come on, 300.
By the way, you're looking unbelievable.
You're losing weight, right?
Face looks chiseled. Take this.
You have a nice tan.
Tell your mom I said, "Hello", all right?
Call her.
All right?
- Dom, let me ask you a question.
- What?
What makes you think that a
shaved head's a good look on you?
I don't know. You know, the
hairline was falling back a little.
Figured I'd trick the scalp.
"Trick the scalp?"
You tricked the earth, bro.
Doesn't look great.
What? You don't like it?
Looks like your mother
fucked a marshmallow.
I, I don't even get that.
I don't know, you just got a
face that looks better with hair.
I mean, look at my hair.
You never seen me shaving
my fucking head, do you?
You don't need to, you're growing
hair while I'm looking at you.
I know, how great is that, huh?
- See...
- I thought checking in
was when I left and told
you where I was going.
How's that not checking in?
Hello.
Hell...
Dom, come here.
This is the address to the house.
Family's out of town, so you're clean.
Hey, you're taking that
loudmouth LeGucci with you?
- What, Sammy?
- Yeah.
Ah, yeah, he's a good guy.
Can't stop sharing his
thoughts. He's going.
He thinks I don't know
he's flipping electronic
cigarettes all over town.
Plus, I ain't seen a dime from him.
Uh, you know, I don't
know anything about that.
Okay, listen.
There's over 200 large in the house.
It's behind the fake
fireplace when you get in.
Family's on vacation.
It's good. It's no problem.
Sammy!
Yo!
I heard you got a beat
on electronic cigarettes.
Yeah, I heard a few things.
I'll let you know if it's worth it.
Remember...
Smoking kills.
Yeah.
Dom, let me ask you a question.
Why does your uncle always have
to exit with a dramatic statement?
I don't know.
I don't like him.
Plays the "Nice Guy" role.
Then, boom, says some shit
you can't be comfortable with.
Look, I wouldn't worry about it.
But, look, he says this
score, it's like 200k.
Okay, we need to get this money,
get some new head shots,
model my way into a
fucking catalog already.
Sal, you're 41 years old.
So what?
40 year Olds are a huge
marketing demographic.
Plus, they buy a lot of shit.
Not from your face.
Thanks.
So, how is school?
School's not as bad as I
thought it was gonna be.
Well, that's good.
I wouldn't want you to be sick
of school this early in the game.
That, I can't promise.
Oh, God.
Honey, time's up.
Uh.
All right, come on.
- There's never enough time, right, Maddy?
- Yeah.
You know I love you. I'm gonna
see you in a few days, okay?
Hi, honey.
Mommy needs just a minute with Daddy, okay?
- Do you wanna sit here?
- Okay.
- Love you, Daddy. See you soon.
- I love you, Maddy.
Here, take the ball.
I'll see you this week, okay, honey?
Okay.
Step into my office.
An office? Wow, what a great idea.
An actual office.
That would mean you would have a real job.
Don't go spending it all
on your hair or your shoes
or whatever you do with your money.
My hair? My hair is the problem, wow.
Okay, you know, I swear to
god, I look at you and I think
there's so many things
you could've been good at.
Maybe stealing is my gift, huh?
That's not funny. Sammy...
Your daughter needs some time with you.
Like an actual schedule.
I know.
I'm working on a schedule.
Trust me.
This is gonna be like taking
candy from a fucking baby.
A baby gorilla.
Hey, I think I know that guy.
From your modeling school?
Shit on my dreams again, I will
fucking kill you where you stand.
Calm down, Fabio, it's a fucking joke.
Shit.
I'm didn't have to use the drill.
I thought we were gonna have to
do some weak point drilling here.
Is that what you call
it when you bang Lorie?
Everything is not a joke.
Holy fuck.
- What?
- Holy fuck.
Nice.
200k, boys.
Motherfucking jackpot.
Freeze! Hands where we can see them.
One wrong move and Sammy
and I will shoot you for fun.
- Fuck this shit.
- Come on, come on.
Oh, my God.
Freeze, you fuckers.
Sammy Legucci, why am I not shocked?
Put the gun down, Tommy.
I'm telling you, bro,
crazy is the best in bed.
Uh, you sleep with a girl that never
met her real dad, shit's going down.
Come out of the bed,
you're missing a tooth,
you got a black eye, your foot hurts,
your ear's throbbing,
you're hearing new languages.
It's fucking amazing. Orphanage pussy.
Give it a shot, bro, trust me.
Legucci!
You got some real fucking issues.
You tell us who's running
things and we cut a deal.
Otherwise, you get the max and you know it.
There's nothing I can do here.
No offense, Tommy.
I mean, you can really use a mint.
What did you eat, everything?
- All right.
- Wise ass.
Friends or no friends, you ain't
leaving this room until you talk.
Uh, I'm disgusted with you.
I expected bigger things
from you in life, Sammy.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Voted "Most Likely to Succeed",
dated the hottest girl in school.
I don't know, I think you had options.
Now you're going away for
robbery, book-making, extortion,
I'm guessing fixing horses.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never fixed no horses.
Give me some name, Sammy.
Save yourself, you know what I'm
saying? You know, you got a kid.
She's gonna need you around.
Think big picture. You
don't talk like that.
You do a bit, you come out,
you missed her confirmation,
you go back in, you missed her wedding,
you go in again, you missed her baby.
Before you turn around, you're an old
ex-con and you missed her goddamn life.
You're a cop or a psychic, what are you?
I'm both.
Sammy.
I got something for you.
It's only because I've
known you my whole life.
It's not a sad song mix tape, is it?
Might as well be.
Even though you didn't invite
me to your 21st birthday party.
'Cause I always knew
you were gonna be a cop.
What's up, Pat?
What's up? Your bearded
friend's gotta go.
Yeah?
He's a loose fucking
cannon and I don't like it.
Never shuts the fuck up, fuck, he
doesn't kick up when he's supposed to.
All right, now what do you
want me to do about it?
Nothing. Just go back to your wife
and I'll take care of the rest.
You wanna pretend
that life is a joke,
then, unfortunately, I
have to teach you a lesson.
'Cause that's what I do.
Little fucking bearded lawn jockey.
All right, all right.
I've got a plan for this
extra head fuck wizard.
Looks like a Middle-Eastern
version of Merlyn, the magician.
I get it.
You know that voice?
Like the back of my hand.
This is a memorandum
of understanding, Sammy.
Keep a low profile till we
bring you back to testify.
We will provide you with a new
identity, a home somewhere in America,
$65,000 a year in salary,
and 24-hour protection.
That's a guarantee.
Guaranteed boring life,
that's what that is.
But as much as I hate to say it, on
this, you're doing the right thing.
The girls will stay with me.
Thanks, Frank.
Tell Maddy I'll be in touch
and that I love her very much.
Of course, kid.
What if I wanna go see her?
That's entirely up to you.
But we only provide protection as long
as you stay within these guidelines.
You know Pat's gonna make bail.
So watch your back.
Where are you taking me?
This is like the vanilla version of a life.
I don't feel good about this.
You think I give a damn how you feel?
Just keep your nose out of trouble.
I don't wanna have to
monitor your every move.
Isn't that your job?
So what?
Think I love my job?
I'm just gonna do my time,
save some lives,
make some extra bucks on the side,
you don't mind, do you?
I've got an ingrown
toenail I care more about.
You're a real sensitive guy, huh?
I'm here to keep tabs on you and that's it.
I don't like the small talk.
I don't like small talk either, okay?
I don't know what's more
depressing, your voice or my life.
I think I can answer that.
This is Sheriff Colin wood.
Wowie, looky here.
We have ourselves a real live
mafioso from the big city.
There's no such thing as
the mafia, okay? So relax.
Yeah, I'm sure there is not.
But just remember, we have families here.
Big families with big guns.
So I'm sure we'll get along just fine.
Chief, he is here under our protection.
Let's just try to get
off on the right foot.
Okey-dokey.
Maybe one day we can
meet up and have a beer,
share some stories.
I bet you got some good stories, huh?
Bet yours will throw us
for a real whimsy, huh?
What the hell's a whimsy?
What the hell's a whimsy, Mr. Hirsh.
Hesh.
His new name is Derek Hesh.
I obviously didn't pick it.
I bet you didn't.
Hmm?
Bet you wanted to pick
something like Travolta.
Hmm?
Hi, you must be Derek.
I'm Tricia, Colin's wife and this Rex
and we are so happy to have you here.
I hope you don't mind us
showing up unannounced.
I just wanted to let you know
we're right down the block.
If you need anything,
don't hesitate to ask.
Isn't this area just great?
Is that dirt
or chocolate on his face?
Oh, it's both.
The boy gets into everything.
What exactly did your
husband tell you about me?
Oh, he said you are from New York
and that you were just a
spitfire of a personality
and that you were gonna be great
here with us small town folk.
He said you were working
construction or something so I just,
I brought you a pie.
Enjoy, it's apple.
- Thank you.
- Mm-mmm.
- You a smoker?
- Yeah, why?
Hold on.
Try this.
You're gonna thank me.
And the little man's gonna thank me too.
You're gonna have a lot
of energy after this,
you're gonna be cleaning his face all day.
Mon, I wanna try one.
Those look fun to me.
Make it happen.
Stop it, Rex.
My father wants to know
if you got the phone.
'Course I go that phone
I'm talking to you on it.
Tell him I said, "Thank you".
Where's my daughter?
I'd like to speak to her.
She's not here right now.
When can I call her?
I don't know.
Just give me a time that I can call her.
Try back in a few days and
I'm sure you'll catch her.
Okay, tell her I said hi.
All right.
One more drink
And I didn't think
She was serious When
she said goodbye
One more shot
That's all I got
When I keep my name
In her favorite car
She was my only
girl My whole world
Who would've thought That
it would end like this
Never saw myself
As a stalker
But she left me High and dry
So she had to know
When she decided to go
That I would
follow right behind
Never saw myself
As a stalker...
Hey, how can I help you?
My God does your face
look out of place in here.
Get out of here.
It's just that you're really hot and
your face doesn't go with this building.
Oh, your mouth must be real dry from
all that hot air coming out of it.
Are you drinking?
Yeah, I'll have a whiskey
and some confidence.
- Eh, let me ask you a question.
- Hmm.
Is this the hot spot in town? This is it?
Let me see.
We have a broken-hearted
redneck on stage named Mel,
singing about a love he
probably never even had.
So if you call that a hot
spot, then this is the hot spot.
I think I have a crush.
Oh, let's hope not.
What's your name?
Hey, Manny. This is my brother.
- Your brother?
- Mm-hmm.
Nice to meet you.
Is it?
The fuck happened at your house growing up?
Lot of awkward family talk.
Well, she stole my
heart My car, my soul
She stole my spirit
And she hurt me so...
So we open the trunk, it's
like 3,000 beanie babies.
Chinese, black, Puerto Rican.
We thought we were hijacking cigarettes,
we ended up hijacking
a ten year old's dream.
Ha!
Many, come on.
When a man meets a woman
something happens inside,
deep inside.
His first inclination
is to recite a diatribe,
as he relates to his rebellious
history as a childhood thief,
thereby appearing edgy,
cool,
tough.
All the while just trying to
gain access into her lady palace.
What?
I didn't say anything.
She stole my spirit
And she hurt me so
I tried, I tried
I cried, I cried
And they found her
body I lied, I lied
This guy is killing me
with his depressing songs.
Had to do it
I mean, he's confessing to murder with
the worst voice I ever heard in my life.
Why don't you get up there?
No, no, no.
I don't show off in front of strangers.
Why stop now?
Showing off is just
insecurity masking as bravado.
I've got a 100 bucks
that says you won't do it.
I'll put 50 on top of that.
150 bucks just to go up there?
Uh-huh.
Who's bringing me up?
Hey, Mel.
Time to tuck your sensitive
heart back in your pants.
Just bring up this guy,
what's your name again?
Derek.
Little DD.
It's Derek.
Little Deacon.
All right. Yeah, please
welcome Little Deacon.
- It's Derek.
- Please welcome Little Derek.
And if anybody knows where JD is,
please come see me after the show.
- 150 bucks?
- Mm-hmm.
Put your money out.
Mel nearly broke my heart
and my love for music.
That was the opposite of uplifting, right?
I mean, the guy couldn't hit
a note if he blew Marvin Gaye.
Wow, you two.
What dressed you, a goat?
When was the last time
you shaved? Never ago?
You guys never heard of gel?
No? Hair products?
Are you eating a jawbreaker
or is his balls in your mouth?
Your parents, definitely fucked in woods.
No doubt about it.
Look at you.
The product of a deer and a man.
Two friends sharing one tooth.
I'm killing it up here.
This is great, I can do it all day.
So, when Lorie writes, "I still like you",
she really means, "I love you".
She just didn't write "love", right?
I don't know, bro.
I'm pretty sure she knows the
difference between like and love.
No, no, no, no.
It's gotta be some kind of
auto-correct malfunction or something.
Yeah, you know, you
could tell yourself that
but that technology is,
it's pretty rock solid.
So is our love, bro.
Oh, hang on.
She just sent a video.
Let's see what she says.
It's probably an apology.
We don't text our apologies.
Hey, Sal, I just jerked your cousin
for the third time, isn't that weird?
I got real problems and I
gotta listen to this crap?
Sammy Legucci.
We gotta find him.
Hmm.
Want one?
Okay, coming up next to the stage,
if it wasn't for selling
fly fishing videos,
our next act would be sleeping
in a barrel of whiskey.
Here to sing about his drinking
problem and his penchant for stalking,
give it up for your favorite, Mel.
Yo, you move any slower,
you'll be going backwards.
Come on, buddy.
Thank you, Derek.
Well, I like to get right to it,
I don't like to mince words,
or ramble or just make stuff up.
That'd be a waste of your time and my time.
This song I'd like to do is called,
"That Wasn't Me Heavy Breathing
on the Other End, Leslie."
You know, I hear, Mel,
he's out there dating again.
And I think you really did
something special for him.
I think even his lyrics, they've
even made a turn for the positive.
Yeah, some people just
can't shake a heartbreak.
Mm, not me.
I shook mine like the dust off a porch mat.
I just can't see a guy breaking your heart.
Well, it wasn't really my
heart, more like my nose.
- Really?
- Hmm.
See if that guy wants to come back for
an old fashioned lesson in relationships.
I left that part of my past long ago.
Yeah, I left mine too.
...Lousy, dirty whore
So, he's sending you the money.
Bit by bit.
But, yeah.
Oh, I can't believe they broke up.
To you and Madison?
Yes, Dad, so what?
He's supposed to, she's his daughter.
All his life, he does the bare minimum.
She is not 32.
I never hated the guy.
I mean, I know he ran his mouth off too
much and he played the class clown...
Whoa, whoa, you're defending him.
Beautiful, Dad, thank you.
I'm just saying.
Maybe he'll find his way,
his path, you never know.
No, he won't, Dad.
He's right where he's supposed to be.
In hiding.
So I tell this kid,
if he doesn't kick in the wig,
I'm taking his TV and his car.
What does he do? What does he do?
He hands me the keys to
the car, just like that.
I rode a rhinoceros in Guatemala
with a man named Phillip.
So, I'm driving the car
for like a week, right?
Come to find out the guy
doesn't even own the car.
I saved a woman and her dwarf son
from a hotel fire against my will.
It's great.
Listen,
I pull into the house right, just
as I'm about to make a right...
I once caught a land shark in Tijuana.
It was tricky.
Yo, Manny, what the fuck is up?
Why you keep interrupting me, bro?
Your stories take too long and I'm
having a hard time believing them.
The condom broke
We're having a baby
The happiest accident
That I've ever known
He was my John
And I was his lady
I canceled my appointments
For the rest of the time
I love you, John
That's his real name.
Wow.
Don't know where that came from.
Let's not question that.
I like it.
Give me another one.
Mmm.
All right, I got to go on stage.
All right, I'll be right back.
Mmm, keep that thought, all right?
Yes.
Jenny, you still owe $20
for those e-cigarettes.
Hey, you.
Where the hell are you from, anyway?
Dressed like you're in some
old time gang or something.
You know what? I am in a gang.
You ever heard of "Sleep With Your
Mothers, The Bigger Your House"?
Hey, that shit ain't funny.
Oh, I think the audience thinks it's funny.
You know, you sneak into
town all quiet and what not
with your greasy, greasy personality.
Who knows where you're from, man?
Clint, shut your trap.
Go drink with your mother.
There you go. A woman after
my own heart. Thanks, honey.
All right, tough guy.
Let's dance.
Wow, those are four words in a row
out of you. You might need a nap.
Somebody come clean this shit up.
You must be one of the
dumbest people on the planet.
I tell you to lay low
and you get into a fight
with one of the locals while doing comedy?
Let me put it to you like this.
You just made my life twice as hard as
it is and that's damn near impossible
considering that I have
high blood pressure,
a love of dark alcohol
and a gambling addiction.
Now, you listen to me, Sammy,
you have one responsibility,
one responsibility,
stay boring.
You got that, Sammy?
Stay boring.
Hi, welcome back everybody
to The Show.
Before we get to my first guest this
evening, I have to share with you,
this video that I got
sent over the weekend.
It's insane.
There's a stand up comedian, he's
doing his act and he's getting heckled,
and then madness ensues.
Have you seen this?
It's like John Gotti doing open mic night,
guy gets into a fight with two
people in the crowd, unbelievable.
At first, I thought it was fake,
but, apparently, it's not, take a look.
Wow, those are four words in a row
out of you. You might need a nap.
Excuse me, ladies,
what are you looking at?
- We're watching you.
- Excuse me?
Yeah, it's definitely you.
Beating up Clint with
everyone in town watching.
It's kinda sexy.
What are you talking about?
Not bad for a small town comic.
Better than Bieber when he started.
Even though, you're
like three times as old.
Old?
My hair's still in fifth grade.
I'd like to see what your
dad's hair looked like at 35.
My dad was struck by
lightning at a state fair.
I'm sorry to hear that.
How did he look pre-strike?
Somebody come clean this shit up.
500,000 views.
It's, you're like, famous.
And they love you, like,
look at these comments, uh...
"My Lord, did Dice Clay and
George Lopez have a baby?"
"This guy's got it all."
Uh, oh.
"Say hello to my little
friend, I love this comic."
Somebody's found their calling.
She texted back, "K".
What the hell is that?
"K" is just a solid
response, don't read into it.
"K" is a verbal stabbing.
Here's your money, Frank.
Yo.
Your friend Sammy's
blowing up on the internet.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah.
I mean, who knew the guy was so funny.
And he's a badass.
What the fuck you talking about, Chucky?
Sammy's gone.
No, he's not. He's back, look.
I want this town rat dead.
Done.
We'll find his ass.
You know you really messed up
with this whole online video thing.
I mean, being popular is the
worst thing you could do right now.
It wasn't my fault,
the guy was heckling me.
What am I supposed to do?
I had to protect myself.
He's lucky I didn't stab
him with the fucking mic.
Piece of shit.
No one's getting stabbed.
I'm gonna need a very detailed account
of your whereabouts at all times, okay?
I'll make sure you're all right.
I go from home to the
bar, you know my schedule.
I'm dead.
This is not fucking good.
You spend a lot of time
with that Vicky, right?
So I'm gonna need her address.
Mr. Hesh?
I need to be honest with you.
Last time someone said that to me,
my girlfriend told me she
likes my best friend better.
Oh, that's too bad.
My best friend was a
girl, so it was all right.
Little emasculating but it
brought out my sensitive side.
I knew you were good.
You have a timing I
haven't heard it in years.
A natural delivery.
Like a Dangerfield or a Dice.
Now I don't wanna say
Pryor but I see a glimpse.
Are you trying to fuck me? I was
only kidding about the sensitive side.
Fuck you? I booked the Majestic Theater.
No shit.
I booked Rascal Flatts last week
and hand to God, all sold out.
And my new client, Todd Player,
he'll be there performing next week.
Well, look at that, two artists
I've never even heard of.
Mr. Hesh...
Derek...
Bobbale...
I want you to open for Todd.
That's right, picture this,
"Sold Out"
You can sell merch after
the show, if you got any.
Oh,
and it pays five grand.
Let me understand this.
You're gonna pay me $5,000 to tell jokes.
I can sell whatever
merchandise I want afterwards.
Is this a trick? Who sent you here?
Huh? Who sent you here?
What happened to the tail end of my sub?
- What?
- The sub tail,
it's the best part.
When the cheese and meat and the peppers,
they all accidentally get moved into
the tail end of the bread situation.
Pat, I think we killed everything in it.
Yeah, it's all about the meat
to bread ratio for me too, Pat.
She is cheating. I know it.
Enough.
All right, listen up.
I got a guy on the inside.
I met him when I was inside.
He's gonna meet up with
you and lead us to Sammy.
I hope they have this in heaven.
Some guy shows up to the bar,
offers me $5,000 to perform.
- You serious?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
I have never met anyone like you.
I have never met anyone like me.
I can't do it.
Why not?
It's gotta be the 500,000 views,
it's gotta be, right?
Or it's a sign?
Stop sign.
People think you're funny.
Not everyone.
Oh, hi, there he is.
Okay, so this how it's gonna happen.
When we announce you, you go on.
You'll see a light in the middle
of the room by the sound booth.
When that light hits you, you
take your time, but wrap it up.
And we take care of the rest.
If I die on that stage tonight,
I want you to take my ashes
and I want you to spread
them all over Brooklyn, okay?
God forbid,
Pu-pu-pu.
You're already a hit.
Let's give him half the money back.
People skip their shows all the time,
just say it was my voice
or something, you know.
Yo, Bobby, coffee's over.
- I'll take care of it in just a second.
- All right.
Todd Player, this is Derek Hesh.
Hey, Derek, man, God,
yo, I'm a big fan, man.
I love your video,
fucking shit is sick, man.
Comedy and music, it's like one
and the same, every note counts.
- I admire you, dude.
- Thank you.
I always heard if the opening act
sucks, the whole show is a wash.
You guys are taking a big risk
here, seriously, I'm telling you.
I could just leave and no
one will even know I was here.
Derek, I am risk.
I freaking hand glided off the
Rockies in the dead of winter.
Did the Baja 1000.
In just a jeep wrangler.
Swam with the sharks in the Dominican...
Naked.
You wanna open for yourself?
You got a fucking resume.
Dude, come on, you know, every
night, I take the stage, right?
And I'm singing songs about
lost pussy and runaway dogs
and the fucking people are going ape shit,
but you, you are doing important shit.
Yeah, man, you're you're saving the earth.
I think I'm a fucking fraud.
- No, man.
- I do.
I wanna tell you something, my friend,
'cause you got sad eyes,
I was bar mitzvahed at the Wailing Wall.
My real name is Todd Silverstein,
I'm the son of a Jewish scrap man
and a lesbian Hebrew school teacher.
Get the fuck out of here.
Derek, mazel tov.
Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage,
all the way from your
neighborhood watering hole,
please give a warm Wisconsin welcome,
- to Derek Hesh.
- I'll be right back.
- This better fucking work.
- You'll crush it.
Thank you, thank you.
You probably want me to
sing you a little something.
- Just like a little something. Let's rock it up.
- No, I'm okay.
Something about the way
She keeps me hanging on
And I keep coming
on back For more
You probably want me to continue or...?
- No, no it's...
- I'm sorry I said pussy.
Pussy.
You look like Tom Selleck fucked a badger.
Oh.
I gotta give you credit.
You have some balls leaving
the house with that face.
He's cool.
Maybe we take him on the road with us.
It's not a bad idea.
You see my cocaine?
- Nope.
- Nyquil?
Nope.
Maybe crush me up some Vibrin and
baby aspirin and put it in my hummus.
You got it.
Your poor dad, your poor dad.
I'm sure he wished he pulled out.
How does it feel to put
your parents in therapy?
So...
You and Derek.
You guys serious or what?
Very.
So...
Not really, then?
I get it.
Extremely.
I'll poke you on Facebook.
Give it up for the construction worker
from the village people, everybody.
Doesn't he look like him? I mean, God.
And that mustache.
My name is Derek Hesh, thank you so much.
We have a great show for you guys.
Todd Player's coming to the stage.
Thank you very much.
There he is.
Derek, darling, you know, I think I can
get you on The Show with Ian Cams.
- The talk show?
- The one and only.
I can't do that, listen, I'm
getting a little too popular
and I'm trying to keep a low profile,
so, it's not gonna happen, okay?
But, you know,
Buble, Buble, he was
discovered at a wedding.
Who gives a shit?
I give a shit.
I'm gonna get you his book.
Please, don't.
- It's a great read.
- I don't read.
- You know what, Derek, can I give you a hug?
- No.
- Come on.
- No hugs.
- Can I give you a hug, please?
- Don't touch me.
- Can I just touch your face?
- No.
All right, how about this?
You want eight Thai boys
massaging you in bare shorts
and whispering sweet nothings
in your ear? You got it.
You want a line of
geishas doing magic tricks,
pulling rabbits out of their
assholes while they whistle Dixie?
You got it.
'Cause I'm your guy.
Bob Lifshitz, whatever
you want, I'm your guy.
- Listen...
- Listen,
Bob, not interested, can't do it,
not gonna happen.
That's it, it's done, over with,
get out of here, come on, stop.
- All right...
- This was fun, by the way.
You know Bob, said he can
get me on the Ian Cams show.
What?
- Yeah.
- That's amazing.
Are you gonna do it?
No, I can't do that, no.
Why? It's such a good opportunity.
Yeah, listen, um...
I've been wanting to tell you
something, I gotta tell you something.
And I don't want you to get mad, okay?
But...
Here it is, my name is Sammy Legucci,
it's not Derek Hesh and I'm in
the Witness Protection Program.
In the, in, in the what,
did you kill somebody?
No, no, listen...
What did you do?
Just...
I'm from Brooklyn, New York and
I grew up with some bad people
and I did some really bad things
and now it's coming back
and biting me in the ass.
Now I have to testify against them
and the government put me here.
You know, to protect me for a couple
months till I go back and testify.
But that's it, it's over, it's done with.
Okay, so...
So, so what does this mean for us then?
No, it doesn't mean
anything. I just wanted to...
If I didn't care about you, I
wouldn't have said anything, but...
Look, I'm sorry, it's just,
there's one more thing,
I have a daughter.
Yes, and I have to go see her
before this whole thing goes down.
I'm sorry.
Please.
- How are you?
- Good.
- How's Maddy?
- She's fine.
- She's fine.
- Right.
- In and out, right?
- That's it.
Okay, I mean, forget the boys, my
daughter scares me more than they do.
Tell me about it.
- She's gone, right?
- Yeah.
She's in the city for a couple days.
All right, good.
Thanks, Frank.
Hi.
Why did you have to go? It's not fair, Dad.
Maddy, I'll be back, I promise.
I can't tell you exactly when
but I promise, I'll be back.
Just had to see your face.
You don't have another
family somewhere, do you?
What? No. I don't have
another family, honey,
No, you're the only family I have.
Maddy, I love you very, very much, okay?
And I will be back, I promise, I will.
You think so?
I know so, honey.
Listen, I want you to be a good girl,
I want you to listen to your mom, okay?
- Okay.
- I love you so much.
I love you too.
I gotta go, okay.
And now, you know, walking down to the car,
fucking clothes on my neck, my head,
everywhere, I'm holding it up.
Get to my car, I'm looking around,
it's fucking towed, gone, nothing is there.
So, now, I'm schlepping to,
uh, my friend's apartment...
Had to take an Uber over here.
You guys take Uber, right?
You know that these guys can review you?
What do you think these
reviews are even like?
As if I don't have enough
negative feedback in my life.
And the technology in these cars,
you know, you could just walk in,
link up your Spotify, listen
wirelessly, no problems.
Maybe they should link up with
Tinder, maybe even Hotels Tonight,
you know, take her out,
lay her down, ship her out.
You guys ever check out this JSwipe thing?
Yeah, it's like Tinder for ugly people.
Done.
I gotta find better friends.
You know, most people have a friend
for life, all my friends are doing life.
You know, but I'm new in town.
You know, I started dating, I met this
girl, she got so many personalities.
She keeps asking me, "Do you even like me?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I like
all seven versions of you.
I like your Sunday, I like your
Tuesday, your Thursday is a little off.
Of course, I like you,
you have sex with me."
Dating's hard, especially
when you're getting old,
God, I'm getting old.
You know how I'm getting old?
I used to play basketball, all
day, every day, nothing, I was fine.
Yesterday, I pulled a muscle on my
neck ordering food and looking left.
Yeah, there's a problem.
Anybody single in the audience?
Any single guys in the audience?
I got some good news for you.
After this financial crisis,
personality is making a comeback.
Personality is definitely
making a comeback, I swear.
I got eight jokes and Honda
Accord and I'm fucking everybody.
Okay, so, people are calling like
crazy for reservations, Sammy.
We literally can't take them all.
Babe, can we please still call me Derek?
My fake identity is the only
thing I still got going here.
I really messed up, you know that, right?
- Why?
- By doing all this.
Becoming "The Man".
Doing stand up.
I mean, you might think it's cool, but...
Where I come from, my friends
take this shit very seriously.
Well, what about the people
that are protecting you?
What about 'em?
If you knew where I come from, ha.
Yeah, okay, look, there's a motel
just past mile marker 61, meet there.
And as little talking
as possible, you follow?
Yes, and bring the money, okay?
Of course, I'm sure, what are you...
Okay, yeah, goodbye.
Oh, that feels so good.
I'm so glad you're here.
I know, I'm so happy to be here.
Uh, unfortunately, tonight
we can't do anything.
What are you talking
about? You're already here.
I know, but my girlfriend just reminded me,
- Mercury is in retrograde.
- What?
What does retrograde have
to do with you and me?
I'm very sensitive right now.
And sleeping with you tonight
could really set me off.
What? You didn't even know it was in
retrograde before your friend told you.
I know. But I knew
something was definitely off.
I mean, I cried during a
"Save the Tiger" commercial
and I don't even care about tigers.
Can't you just start this whole
retrograde nonsense tomorrow?
I can't, I made a decision this morning
and if there's one thing, you cannot change
your mind when Mercury's in retrograde.
Hmm, well.
I guess maybe you should go.
You wanna cuddle?
Let's cuddle.
This is a disaster.
No, it's nice, there.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, he's not even the talented one.
Come on, Sal, you gotta quit that shit.
Look, Sammy's always been funny.
He's got a thing about him,
you know, he's the kind
of guy you go to a party...
I knew the day I met you
That I loved you
And I needed you
Sal, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Goddammit, Dom.
Look,
I'm the one who played
peter Pan in fifth grade.
- Jesus Christ.
- Huh?
Remember that? I was good.
I was fucking great.
Flying around and shit.
Sammy? He couldn't even
play one of them lost boys.
All he had to do was play lost.
Yeah, Star Search,
you're fucking losing it.
Okay? Look,
I don't even wanna do this Sammy shit.
What? Hunting him down,
taking out our friend?
Oh, yeah? You wanna go to your Uncle
Pat, and say we're not doing it?
Guy's not even my real uncle.
He's you know, that friend of the
family who's at the house all the time,
and you got to call him uncle.
Shit, I got actual uncles who get
jealous when they hear me call him uncle.
It's too late, Dom, it's already in motion.
Fuck.
I can't believe you just broke into song.
Hey, I'm just trying
to show you what's what.
Yeah.
I wanna be able to move
him if we need to move him.
Move him if you wanna move him, you say?
Achoo.
Did you just sneeze?
It sounded like you said,
"achoo" but you didn't sneeze.
Yeah, that's the way I sneeze.
Achoo.
- Bless you.
- Thank you.
Okay, look.
We got to keep a closer
eye on Legucci, all right?
We're hired to protect him, we
can't let this get away from us.
I understand. Sometimes a
man's gotta trust his instincts
like a cat on a summer sprinkler.
What language are you speaking?
I don't understand.
Look, let's just make
everyone's life a lot easier.
You keep a closer eye on Legucci.
No problem.
Achoo.
Bless you.
But, you know, this is like
my first or second time being up
here, trying this whole comedy thing.
I used to make fun of people,
who used to go out in the audience
and be like, pick somebody
from, I mean that's not comedy.
I figured I gotta tell jokes,
I gotta start learning how to tell stories.
So I'm gonna try some jokes on you guys.
You guys like blond jokes?
What's the first thing a blond girl
says when she wakes up in the morning?
"Which one of you guys taking me home?"
A blond girl is driving to the beach,
she sees a sign that says, "Beach Left",
she makes U-turn and goes home.
These blond girls are unbelievable.
Yeah, so this blond girl
is driving down the highway,
she cuts off some guy,
and the guy pulls up next
to her and says, "Pull Over".
She pulls the car over, he's
like, "Step out of the vehicle",
takes a pencil, draws a circle, says,
"Stay in the circle, don't move".
She's standing there, he turns
around, takes a baseball bat,
and starts breaking all
her windows, boom, boom.
He turns around, the girl's on
the floor, laughing, ha-ha-ha.
He's like, "What's so funny?"
Takes a match, lights her
car, blows the shit up.
Turns around, the girl's
dying on the floor, laughing.
He goes, "Are you stupid or
something, what's so funny?"
She goes, "I'm stupid? Every time you
turned around, I went outside the circle."
'Cause you just don't
seem like a bad guy to me.
It's my smile.
It's been throwing people off for years.
You should've seen my first mugshot.
Looks like I won the lotto.
Can you just be serious, for once?
I'm gonna take this.
Hello.
Derek.
When Hashem grants you a gift,
you gotta go with it.
So get ready to curl over, throw
up and start getting nervous,
'cause you got The Show.
- Bob?
- Yeah, who else?
I don't know, anyone but Bob.
Bubbale, you got The Show.
It's a lock, I sent them
the video and they loved it.
We got dates.
Bob, you're fucking up my life, seriously.
It's a opportunity of a lifetime.
Comics' careers are made
by doing The Show.
Look, I appreciate it, I really do.
But I can't do it.
I'm gonna let that marinate.
All right, marinate.
I can't do it. I appreciate it.
Look, thank you, but, no, thank you.
Great, I'll call you
tomorrow. We'll close the deal.
Hello, hello.
What did he say?
I'm telling you, it's
all in your head, bro.
I mean, why not try finding a
girl who doesn't make you nuts?
They're out there, you know.
My gut's telling me she's got
her hand on another man right now.
Both hands.
You just gel your hair?
I put a little spritz in it.
Trying something new.
That's good.
Thanks.
Uh, here come this fucking train-wreck.
How you doing, Marshall?
I have a drinking problem and a
crush on a South American prostitute.
How does it look like I'm doing?
It's all there.
Here you go, this is where
he spends most of his time.
How's he doing? Sammy?
You know, I've been at
this job almost 20 years,
and I've never seen ingratiate
themselves in a community so quickly.
The guy found his calling.
Gotta give it to him for that, right?
We'll give it to him, all right.
Yeah, well, he's close. So it
should be over pretty quickly.
Good.
We'll give the other
20 when the job is done.
Then I will see you boys soon.
These big city Marshalls are
always on the verge of something,
always on the verge of
corruption, I don't know.
It's just more confusion than a
crossword puzzle on a blind man's Tuesday.
- Achoo.
- Bless you.
Thank you, sweetie. Achoo.
- Bless you.
- Thank you, babe.
Well, why don't you check
the Marshall's records?
You know, find out if he's made any
calls to the New York area recently,
and if so, to who.
That's a good idea.
I was gonna do it myself but that's
a strong idea nonetheless, sweetie.
I'm just trying to help. Right,
Rex? Mommy just wants to help out.
Right.
Rex, did you brush
those teeth this morning?
No, I took a break from the brush.
Needs a break from the brush.
That Marshall's a real piece of work, huh?
Yeah, like he's had 20 years of bad luck.
Someone else is gonna
see some bad luck today.
Can I help you?
We're looking for a friend of ours.
We hear he's inside.
Only friends here are mine.
Back up, Earl.
Yeah, I'll back up, but I'm
right here if you need me.
I'm a day drinker, boys.
I do my nighttime shit during the daytime.
Let's dance.
No, where the fuck is he?
I sense your confidence
from your puffed out chest
and your wonderful hair.
But we don't know your friend.
We don't make new friends.
That long list is closed.
Yeah.
Maybe this will help.
Oh, no.
You can check inside if you would like.
Go right on ahead.
You got great taste in hair.
But this ain't over.
Let's go.
Fucking guy sends us
right into a clubhouse?
Time to pay the Marshall a visit.
We can stay here if you need us to.
I don't really like slumber parties
with dudes and I didn't bring my pajamas,
but I can see you're very, very scared.
I think the guns and the hatchet shook
'em up for a little while, though.
How the hell did they find me?
I'm in Wisconsin.
Hmm.
- Most specially considering how teeny tiny you are.
- I'm 5'7".
I think that's a little bit of a lie.
5' 6 and a half.
I think you're still lying to yourself.
5'6", honestly.
Just let it go.
Maybe like 5'4".
And you're all over the internet.
Hey, this is Mike Stevens,
welcome back to 106.5 WKTU.
Some local gossip news here,
we hear that local comedian and
internet sensation, Derek Hesh
will be announcing that he is
going on the Ian Cams show.
It's all going down tonight
at the Corner Parks.
Stay tuned to win tickets this week
and it only shoots two
hours away in Grand Rapids.
I tried to eat puppet pussy
and I got splinters in my teeth.
All right, that's enough, we have to go.
Fine, fine.
Ruined my pussy and my night.
Let's just get there so we can
all feel bad about our lives.
That's a good idea.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the man responsible for
the success of this place,
and he's doing The Show, Derek Hesh.
Whoo! Oh!
You know, the first time I came up
here, I didn't know what I was doing.
I was just speaking my mind,
and you guys laughed.
And it made me feel really, really good.
But, unfortunately,
this is the end for me.
I can't do The Show.
Derek Hesh is not even my name.
Derek Hesh is the name
the government gave me.
My name is Sammy Legucci.
I'm a small-time gangster from Brooklyn
and I decided to testify
against my best friends.
The government put me here
so they can protect me.
They're not really doing a great job.
You don't know these guys.
Hold on here, excuse me.
Hold on, excuse me.
Excuse me, Derek or Sammy
or whatever your name is,
can you just sit down?
I have something to say.
Sit down.
You awakened the people of this town.
I lost my wife,
the love of my life,
the woman that meant everything to me.
Sure, I lost her
few blocks away
to claw out the berry farmer.
What the hell, shit happens.
The point is,
you gave me an outlet.
So, thank you.
Me too.
Shit.
I'm famous 'cause of you, bro.
My name is Clint Morris.
And
most of you fucking people know me 'cause you
probably drove me home when I was drunk.
But, guess what, that ain't me now.
Okay?
I saw that video
and I saw that anger that got the
best of me and I fucking cried.
I cried.
For the first time in my life.
And I don't know what you...
If you people fucking know what 35
years of pent up tears looks like,
I'll tell you.
It's like both my eyes
were going to the bathroom.
Each eye, individually,
just fucking pissing.
Fuck...
One time in third grade,
an unfortunate young man
made the costly mistake of calling
me stupid while I was giving a speech,
and so, I chewed his nose
and pushed him off a bridge.
I took care of that.
But I digress.
You know, I've never
seen my sister so happy.
Used to seeing her in bad
relationship after bad relationship
after bad relationship.
Usually had to step in
and hit people very hard.
So I don't really care
what your real name is,
or what you did in your past,
or even how tall you are.
I just know that
you make her really happy
and, um, her being happy
really means a lot to me, so...
So I say if you wanna go do The
Show then just go fucking do it.
Iron Badgers got your back.
Let's do it.
You guys like Italian food?
I like Italian Food, I went to an Italian
restaurant in this town, unbelievable.
I walk in,
waitress come over, she gives me a menu.
I'm like, "Excuse me, how
is the penne pasta here?"
She goes, "It's $21."
I go,
"Who asked you? How is it?"
She's like, "I don't know,
nobody ever orders it, it's $21."
Difference is, where I come from,
you go to an Italian
restaurant for an experience.
It's a real experience, you walk in,
guy named Joey walks over,
he's like, "How you doing?"
You good?", "Good, I'm good."
"Yeah, sit down, what, you hungry?"
"Yeah, I was thinking
maybe we'll have pasta."
"You want pasta? Frankie!
Let's get this guy some meatballs,
let's get him some penne, let's get his
some spaghetti, let's get him some pasta.
What are you drinking?
"Maybe a glass of wine."
"Give him a bottle of wine."
I'm eating, I'm drinking, it's
the best experience of my life,
then I ask him the bill. Guy goes,
"Bill? We don't have a bill here.
I mean, what did you have?"
"Had some pasta, some wine."
"Give me $300, we're good."
$300, unbelievable.
You guys like Jewish jokes?
Anybody wanna hear Jewish jokes?
One day, outside of a church,
there's two guys standing there.
One guys is holding a sign that
says, "I'm Jewish, please help."
Right next to him, another guy is standing,
says, "I'm Catholic, please help."
People coming out of church,
they see these two guys,
everybody is walking over to the Catholic,
obviously, it's outside of a church,
start giving him money.
This goes on for weeks.
The more times, they see this guy
holding the sign, that says, "I'm Jewish",
they go to the Catholic guy, they
give him more money, more money.
One day the priest comes out.
Walks over to the guy with
the sign, "I'm Jewish",
says, "Listen, I'm gonna help you out,
you know, there's a
synagogue down the block,
I think if you stand there,
you'll make more money,
you obviously see people giving money
to the guy with the "Catholic" sign.
The guy looks at the priest, then looks at
the guy with the "Catholic" sign and goes,
"Jaco, they're trying to
teach us how to make money."
Jews, they're the best.
I'm sure I'm fine, just let
me speak to her for a minute.
For what? ...for what? Sammy?
Listen, I just want to
hear her voice, okay?
God forbid, something happens,
I just want to hear her voice.
Can you please put her on the
phone, Maria, just one second?
Okay, Sammy.
Don't let her down.
We'll be watching.
Nothing is gonna happen to you.
Okay? Nothing.
You were never in any trouble,
these rednecks aren't gonna
pull the trigger on you.
We know that.
We just wanted to thank
you for getting us close.
Seriously.
You're gonna get the rest of your money.
Well, that is much appreciated.
My hooker's got me in couple's therapy.
Whatever.
You could've gotten us
fucking killed out there.
Killed? What? Would you relax?
No one's getting killed on my watch.
I've been doing this for 23 years...
Enough.
No wonder this guy's paying
for pussy, won't shut up.
What the fuck, Sal? In the car?
I'm sorry, I'll clean it up.
I'm on edge.
Lorie hasn't responded in 13 hours,
except for two or three Ks and
"Of course, I still like you."
I mean, I'm literally,
losing my mind at this point.
Sal, you killed a US Marshall, bro...
Dude, she's got three
new likes on her page,
from guys that I've never even seen before.
- You're fucking unstable.
- You're telling me.
She posted two pictures
of herself in lingerie.
I mean, what the fuck?
You girl posts lingerie
pictures on Facebook?
Yeah, she says, if I can model, so can she.
But you don't even fucking model.
Come on, man, where's the support, huh?
I'm working on my look book.
Oh, shut the fuck up, come on.
My God, this motherfucker's heavy.
Oh, God.
I'm Special Agent Nicholas. Can we talk?
And you think the Marshall
is calling the shots?
Yes, I do. He had a sleepy
disposition about him.
And I've been working off gut
instinct and cornbread for 20 years.
Okay, I got an inkling stronger
than a redneck with a pale wife.
Look, these are serious allegations, Colin.
Are those words coming out of your mouth?
There hasn't been a corrupt
Marshall mob connection since 1977.
I understand.
I understand but I'm surer than a week
old toast in the kitchen of cougar.
Look, my husband has a gift.
He told he thought that my
daddy was cheating on my mommy,
two weeks later, they filed for divorce.
Daddy had a lover.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Did you know the other woman or?
A woman? No, he left her for a 26
year old firefighter named Brick.
- Big son of a bitch.
- Oh, yeah.
Then I'll make the call.
Man didn't ask you to
a Walker Texas, buddy.
Go make the call.
Why you looking at my wife funny?
No, I wasn't looking at your wife funny?
I just feel bad about Brick.
I truly have never cared less
about what one man has said to me.
Unlike your physical presence,
your fear's very, very tall.
But it doesn't need to be.
We're gonna get to the
place, assess the situation,
and make sure you're protected.
I hope the motherfucker does try some shit.
- No, you don't.
- No, I don't.
Okay, everything's going to be fine.
We are going to go there,
you're going to be amazing,
and then, we're gonna come home.
Because I have way too
many plans for us, okay?
You know what god says about plans, right?
You don't know?
Hey,
I wanted to say something
to you up on that stage.
Oh, yeah, what would you have said?
I would've said that you have
made my life so much better.
You know, regardless of what
happens between us, it's...
just true.
Did I really?
I mean, if we really break it down,
did I make your life that much better?
- I mean, there was the whole lie.
- Hmm.
- The criminal past.
- Hmm.
Can you just shut up for one second?
Yeah.
All right, let's introduce
Derek Hesh to the world.
It had to be done.
For this, you two are gonna get
a bump when you get back, Sal.
You and Dom both.
We got big plans for you.
We appreciate that, Pat.
Of course.
What am I, an animal?
Call me when it's done.
You wanna know the truth?
Please, enlighten me.
I'm going to hit you with the truth.
When a girl says "K", she
don't give a fuck about you.
And when she says, "I like
you", it's not code for love.
She fucking likes you, likes, that's it.
And she goes silent at 9:00 pm.,
there's a 99 percent chance
she's fucking somebody else.
You are crossing a line, Dom.
You are really crossing a fucking line!
Sammy shit on every dream
I ever had, you know that.
Dude, the kid liked to bust balls is all.
Not for nothing, Sal, modeling thing,
little out there.
I'm uncomfortably handsome
in certain circles.
- What circles?
- Circles!
Anyway, fuck Sam. He's a rat.
- He's a rat?
- Yeah, he's a rat.
Everyone's a fucking rat.
For all we know, it was
Pat that dimmed on us.
I mean, that motherfucker's
got Intel on everyone.
He knows where Sammy was living,
what he was doing, where he was going,
who the fuck knows anymore?
It is what it is, Dom.
Fuck that overused phrase.
Lorie loved that saying.
I gotta take this.
Hello.
They said Derek Hesh is performing,
they didn't even have a picture of you.
Yeah, they don't do that all the time.
Oh, my God, I swear to God, Sam Legucci,
if you're not on the TV tonight...
Calm down, okay.
Put Maddy on the phone, please.
Fine, honey,
your father.
- Daddy?
- Hey, baby.
Daddy, you don't have to be
nervous, you're gonna be great.
I know, listen, Maddy.
No matter what happens tonight,
I just want you to know that I love you
more than anything in the
whole world, okay, honey?
What do you mean? It's gonna be great.
I know.
Can you put your mom back on the phone?
I love you, Maddy.
We're gonna be watching, Sammy Legucci.
I hope you know what you're doing.
Me too.
There must've been love
there at some point.
I will call more like
a strong, strong like.
Okay, so what's with this Derek Hesh?
Uh, million hits, kid's blowing up,
I mean, this show is
really lucky to have him.
Okay, I've heard of Chappelle. I've
heard of Attell, I've heard of Rock.
I've never heard of Hesh.
Well, you will after tonight.
Didn't I tell you we'd get you here?
Thanks, Manny.
Hey,
I know it's hard for you
to understand our world,
this is what we do.
Now go knock 'em dead.
"Knock 'em dead?"
What do you mean, "A special feed"?
It's welcometotheshow.tv, and we
can watch live all their taping.
We're gonna see Daddy on
TV, it's gonna be great.
That would be great, honey.
Mom, you should give
him a break, he's trying.
What more can you ask for?
And he's famous.
He's famous.
- Let's do it?
- Great. Mm-hmm.
You know this is amazing, right?
You get to have your moment.
Not everybody gets to have their moment.
Hmm.
I'll see you when it's over.
Well, if it isn't Don fucking Rickles.
- Don't fucking move.
- Don't you fucking move.
You, get out of the bed
slowly, face the wall.
I'm so sick of your fucking whining.
Dom,
what the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Dom, I got some guys with me.
They can hide you out, come with me.
No, bro.
You do your thing, Sammy.
You're fucking talented.
I'm proud of you, bro.
I always loved you, Dom.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
- Kill it.
- Excuse me.
You're on in five minutes.
I'm so sorry.
What's going on out here?
I just ran into some old friends.
Okay, let's go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the show,
we are happy to have him,
give it up, you guys,
for the very funny, the
hilarious, Derek Hesh.
Thank you very much, thank you.
First, I'd like to start by
saying hello to my daughter.
Maddy, look at this,
your father figured out a way to
get on TV with absolutely no talent.
I'm obviously not the first one.
Um...
But first, I'd like to
set the record straight.
My name is actually not Derek Hesh.
No, my name is Sammy Legucci,
and I'm from Brooklyn, New York.
That's right.
Thank you.
Um, you know, I didn't
Google this or anything
but I'm pretty sure I'm the first
comedian in the history of comedy
to be doing The Show while
still in the Witness Protection Program.
Yeah, the Program's got a new thing
they're trying, they throw you on TV,
and just hope for the best.
Uh, but the truth is,
having a loudmouth comment for everything
is actually not a bad
way to get into comedy.
I mean, I've been in the
program for, like, a month now,
I must've offended the whole town.
Um...
But to figure out how I got here,
we got to start with my
family, ha, my family.
My dad,
last thing he said to me
before he left, he was like,
"Son, you're the man
of the house now."
I'm thinking to myself, "I'm seven."
He was a bank robber.
Not a good one, we never had any money.
The guy was unbelievable,
the guy was unbelievable.
I mean, the last time I saw him,
he went out for a carton of milk,
the next time I saw him, he
was on the carton of milk.
I mean, he kept sending
me pictures of himself.
Always wearing the same
thing, an orange jumpsuit.
I just thought he liked
Halloween, what do I know, right?
But, you know, I made a promise to
myself, I would never be like him,
no, siree, I would never be like him,
But I figured life's
a gamble, right?
I mean, I made it all
the way here on a bet.
So you know what, from now on,
I'm gonna bet on myself.
That's right, I'm gonna
bet on Sammy Legucci.
I appreciate your time, thank you
very much, thank you, thank you.
Maddy, I love you so
much, I'll see you soon.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
How you doing?
Give me 300.
Come on, come on, come on, 300.
By the way, you're looking unbelievable.
You're losing weight, right?
Face looks chiseled. Take this.
You have a nice tan.
Tell your mom I said, "Hello", all right?
Call her.
All right?
- Dom, let me ask you a question.
- What?
What makes you think that a
shaved head's a good look on you?
I don't know. You know, the
hairline was falling back a little.
Figured I'd trick the scalp.
"Trick the scalp?"
You tricked the earth, bro.
Doesn't look great.
What? You don't like it?
Looks like your mother
fucked a marshmallow.
I, I don't even get that.
I don't know, you just got a
face that looks better with hair.
I mean, look at my hair.
You never seen me shaving
my fucking head, do you?
You don't need to, you're growing
hair while I'm looking at you.
I know, how great is that, huh?
- See...
- I thought checking in
was when I left and told
you where I was going.
How's that not checking in?
Hello.
Hell...
Dom, come here.
This is the address to the house.
Family's out of town, so you're clean.
Hey, you're taking that
loudmouth LeGucci with you?
- What, Sammy?
- Yeah.
Ah, yeah, he's a good guy.
Can't stop sharing his
thoughts. He's going.
He thinks I don't know
he's flipping electronic
cigarettes all over town.
Plus, I ain't seen a dime from him.
Uh, you know, I don't
know anything about that.
Okay, listen.
There's over 200 large in the house.
It's behind the fake
fireplace when you get in.
Family's on vacation.
It's good. It's no problem.
Sammy!
Yo!
I heard you got a beat
on electronic cigarettes.
Yeah, I heard a few things.
I'll let you know if it's worth it.
Remember...
Smoking kills.
Yeah.
Dom, let me ask you a question.
Why does your uncle always have
to exit with a dramatic statement?
I don't know.
I don't like him.
Plays the "Nice Guy" role.
Then, boom, says some shit
you can't be comfortable with.
Look, I wouldn't worry about it.
But, look, he says this
score, it's like 200k.
Okay, we need to get this money,
get some new head shots,
model my way into a
fucking catalog already.
Sal, you're 41 years old.
So what?
40 year Olds are a huge
marketing demographic.
Plus, they buy a lot of shit.
Not from your face.
Thanks.
So, how is school?
School's not as bad as I
thought it was gonna be.
Well, that's good.
I wouldn't want you to be sick
of school this early in the game.
That, I can't promise.
Oh, God.
Honey, time's up.
Uh.
All right, come on.
- There's never enough time, right, Maddy?
- Yeah.
You know I love you. I'm gonna
see you in a few days, okay?
Hi, honey.
Mommy needs just a minute with Daddy, okay?
- Do you wanna sit here?
- Okay.
- Love you, Daddy. See you soon.
- I love you, Maddy.
Here, take the ball.
I'll see you this week, okay, honey?
Okay.
Step into my office.
An office? Wow, what a great idea.
An actual office.
That would mean you would have a real job.
Don't go spending it all
on your hair or your shoes
or whatever you do with your money.
My hair? My hair is the problem, wow.
Okay, you know, I swear to
god, I look at you and I think
there's so many things
you could've been good at.
Maybe stealing is my gift, huh?
That's not funny. Sammy...
Your daughter needs some time with you.
Like an actual schedule.
I know.
I'm working on a schedule.
Trust me.
This is gonna be like taking
candy from a fucking baby.
A baby gorilla.
Hey, I think I know that guy.
From your modeling school?
Shit on my dreams again, I will
fucking kill you where you stand.
Calm down, Fabio, it's a fucking joke.
Shit.
I'm didn't have to use the drill.
I thought we were gonna have to
do some weak point drilling here.
Is that what you call
it when you bang Lorie?
Everything is not a joke.
Holy fuck.
- What?
- Holy fuck.
Nice.
200k, boys.
Motherfucking jackpot.
Freeze! Hands where we can see them.
One wrong move and Sammy
and I will shoot you for fun.
- Fuck this shit.
- Come on, come on.
Oh, my God.
Freeze, you fuckers.
Sammy Legucci, why am I not shocked?
Put the gun down, Tommy.
I'm telling you, bro,
crazy is the best in bed.
Uh, you sleep with a girl that never
met her real dad, shit's going down.
Come out of the bed,
you're missing a tooth,
you got a black eye, your foot hurts,
your ear's throbbing,
you're hearing new languages.
It's fucking amazing. Orphanage pussy.
Give it a shot, bro, trust me.
Legucci!
You got some real fucking issues.
You tell us who's running
things and we cut a deal.
Otherwise, you get the max and you know it.
There's nothing I can do here.
No offense, Tommy.
I mean, you can really use a mint.
What did you eat, everything?
- All right.
- Wise ass.
Friends or no friends, you ain't
leaving this room until you talk.
Uh, I'm disgusted with you.
I expected bigger things
from you in life, Sammy.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Voted "Most Likely to Succeed",
dated the hottest girl in school.
I don't know, I think you had options.
Now you're going away for
robbery, book-making, extortion,
I'm guessing fixing horses.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never fixed no horses.
Give me some name, Sammy.
Save yourself, you know what I'm
saying? You know, you got a kid.
She's gonna need you around.
Think big picture. You
don't talk like that.
You do a bit, you come out,
you missed her confirmation,
you go back in, you missed her wedding,
you go in again, you missed her baby.
Before you turn around, you're an old
ex-con and you missed her goddamn life.
You're a cop or a psychic, what are you?
I'm both.
Sammy.
I got something for you.
It's only because I've
known you my whole life.
It's not a sad song mix tape, is it?
Might as well be.
Even though you didn't invite
me to your 21st birthday party.
'Cause I always knew
you were gonna be a cop.
What's up, Pat?
What's up? Your bearded
friend's gotta go.
Yeah?
He's a loose fucking
cannon and I don't like it.
Never shuts the fuck up, fuck, he
doesn't kick up when he's supposed to.
All right, now what do you
want me to do about it?
Nothing. Just go back to your wife
and I'll take care of the rest.
You wanna pretend
that life is a joke,
then, unfortunately, I
have to teach you a lesson.
'Cause that's what I do.
Little fucking bearded lawn jockey.
All right, all right.
I've got a plan for this
extra head fuck wizard.
Looks like a Middle-Eastern
version of Merlyn, the magician.
I get it.
You know that voice?
Like the back of my hand.
This is a memorandum
of understanding, Sammy.
Keep a low profile till we
bring you back to testify.
We will provide you with a new
identity, a home somewhere in America,
$65,000 a year in salary,
and 24-hour protection.
That's a guarantee.
Guaranteed boring life,
that's what that is.
But as much as I hate to say it, on
this, you're doing the right thing.
The girls will stay with me.
Thanks, Frank.
Tell Maddy I'll be in touch
and that I love her very much.
Of course, kid.
What if I wanna go see her?
That's entirely up to you.
But we only provide protection as long
as you stay within these guidelines.
You know Pat's gonna make bail.
So watch your back.
Where are you taking me?
This is like the vanilla version of a life.
I don't feel good about this.
You think I give a damn how you feel?
Just keep your nose out of trouble.
I don't wanna have to
monitor your every move.
Isn't that your job?
So what?
Think I love my job?
I'm just gonna do my time,
save some lives,
make some extra bucks on the side,
you don't mind, do you?
I've got an ingrown
toenail I care more about.
You're a real sensitive guy, huh?
I'm here to keep tabs on you and that's it.
I don't like the small talk.
I don't like small talk either, okay?
I don't know what's more
depressing, your voice or my life.
I think I can answer that.
This is Sheriff Colin wood.
Wowie, looky here.
We have ourselves a real live
mafioso from the big city.
There's no such thing as
the mafia, okay? So relax.
Yeah, I'm sure there is not.
But just remember, we have families here.
Big families with big guns.
So I'm sure we'll get along just fine.
Chief, he is here under our protection.
Let's just try to get
off on the right foot.
Okey-dokey.
Maybe one day we can
meet up and have a beer,
share some stories.
I bet you got some good stories, huh?
Bet yours will throw us
for a real whimsy, huh?
What the hell's a whimsy?
What the hell's a whimsy, Mr. Hirsh.
Hesh.
His new name is Derek Hesh.
I obviously didn't pick it.
I bet you didn't.
Hmm?
Bet you wanted to pick
something like Travolta.
Hmm?
Hi, you must be Derek.
I'm Tricia, Colin's wife and this Rex
and we are so happy to have you here.
I hope you don't mind us
showing up unannounced.
I just wanted to let you know
we're right down the block.
If you need anything,
don't hesitate to ask.
Isn't this area just great?
Is that dirt
or chocolate on his face?
Oh, it's both.
The boy gets into everything.
What exactly did your
husband tell you about me?
Oh, he said you are from New York
and that you were just a
spitfire of a personality
and that you were gonna be great
here with us small town folk.
He said you were working
construction or something so I just,
I brought you a pie.
Enjoy, it's apple.
- Thank you.
- Mm-mmm.
- You a smoker?
- Yeah, why?
Hold on.
Try this.
You're gonna thank me.
And the little man's gonna thank me too.
You're gonna have a lot
of energy after this,
you're gonna be cleaning his face all day.
Mon, I wanna try one.
Those look fun to me.
Make it happen.
Stop it, Rex.
My father wants to know
if you got the phone.
'Course I go that phone
I'm talking to you on it.
Tell him I said, "Thank you".
Where's my daughter?
I'd like to speak to her.
She's not here right now.
When can I call her?
I don't know.
Just give me a time that I can call her.
Try back in a few days and
I'm sure you'll catch her.
Okay, tell her I said hi.
All right.
One more drink
And I didn't think
She was serious When
she said goodbye
One more shot
That's all I got
When I keep my name
In her favorite car
She was my only
girl My whole world
Who would've thought That
it would end like this
Never saw myself
As a stalker
But she left me High and dry
So she had to know
When she decided to go
That I would
follow right behind
Never saw myself
As a stalker...
Hey, how can I help you?
My God does your face
look out of place in here.
Get out of here.
It's just that you're really hot and
your face doesn't go with this building.
Oh, your mouth must be real dry from
all that hot air coming out of it.
Are you drinking?
Yeah, I'll have a whiskey
and some confidence.
- Eh, let me ask you a question.
- Hmm.
Is this the hot spot in town? This is it?
Let me see.
We have a broken-hearted
redneck on stage named Mel,
singing about a love he
probably never even had.
So if you call that a hot
spot, then this is the hot spot.
I think I have a crush.
Oh, let's hope not.
What's your name?
Hey, Manny. This is my brother.
- Your brother?
- Mm-hmm.
Nice to meet you.
Is it?
The fuck happened at your house growing up?
Lot of awkward family talk.
Well, she stole my
heart My car, my soul
She stole my spirit
And she hurt me so...
So we open the trunk, it's
like 3,000 beanie babies.
Chinese, black, Puerto Rican.
We thought we were hijacking cigarettes,
we ended up hijacking
a ten year old's dream.
Ha!
Many, come on.
When a man meets a woman
something happens inside,
deep inside.
His first inclination
is to recite a diatribe,
as he relates to his rebellious
history as a childhood thief,
thereby appearing edgy,
cool,
tough.
All the while just trying to
gain access into her lady palace.
What?
I didn't say anything.
She stole my spirit
And she hurt me so
I tried, I tried
I cried, I cried
And they found her
body I lied, I lied
This guy is killing me
with his depressing songs.
Had to do it
I mean, he's confessing to murder with
the worst voice I ever heard in my life.
Why don't you get up there?
No, no, no.
I don't show off in front of strangers.
Why stop now?
Showing off is just
insecurity masking as bravado.
I've got a 100 bucks
that says you won't do it.
I'll put 50 on top of that.
150 bucks just to go up there?
Uh-huh.
Who's bringing me up?
Hey, Mel.
Time to tuck your sensitive
heart back in your pants.
Just bring up this guy,
what's your name again?
Derek.
Little DD.
It's Derek.
Little Deacon.
All right. Yeah, please
welcome Little Deacon.
- It's Derek.
- Please welcome Little Derek.
And if anybody knows where JD is,
please come see me after the show.
- 150 bucks?
- Mm-hmm.
Put your money out.
Mel nearly broke my heart
and my love for music.
That was the opposite of uplifting, right?
I mean, the guy couldn't hit
a note if he blew Marvin Gaye.
Wow, you two.
What dressed you, a goat?
When was the last time
you shaved? Never ago?
You guys never heard of gel?
No? Hair products?
Are you eating a jawbreaker
or is his balls in your mouth?
Your parents, definitely fucked in woods.
No doubt about it.
Look at you.
The product of a deer and a man.
Two friends sharing one tooth.
I'm killing it up here.
This is great, I can do it all day.
So, when Lorie writes, "I still like you",
she really means, "I love you".
She just didn't write "love", right?
I don't know, bro.
I'm pretty sure she knows the
difference between like and love.
No, no, no, no.
It's gotta be some kind of
auto-correct malfunction or something.
Yeah, you know, you
could tell yourself that
but that technology is,
it's pretty rock solid.
So is our love, bro.
Oh, hang on.
She just sent a video.
Let's see what she says.
It's probably an apology.
We don't text our apologies.
Hey, Sal, I just jerked your cousin
for the third time, isn't that weird?
I got real problems and I
gotta listen to this crap?
Sammy Legucci.
We gotta find him.
Hmm.
Want one?
Okay, coming up next to the stage,
if it wasn't for selling
fly fishing videos,
our next act would be sleeping
in a barrel of whiskey.
Here to sing about his drinking
problem and his penchant for stalking,
give it up for your favorite, Mel.
Yo, you move any slower,
you'll be going backwards.
Come on, buddy.
Thank you, Derek.
Well, I like to get right to it,
I don't like to mince words,
or ramble or just make stuff up.
That'd be a waste of your time and my time.
This song I'd like to do is called,
"That Wasn't Me Heavy Breathing
on the Other End, Leslie."
You know, I hear, Mel,
he's out there dating again.
And I think you really did
something special for him.
I think even his lyrics, they've
even made a turn for the positive.
Yeah, some people just
can't shake a heartbreak.
Mm, not me.
I shook mine like the dust off a porch mat.
I just can't see a guy breaking your heart.
Well, it wasn't really my
heart, more like my nose.
- Really?
- Hmm.
See if that guy wants to come back for
an old fashioned lesson in relationships.
I left that part of my past long ago.
Yeah, I left mine too.
...Lousy, dirty whore
So, he's sending you the money.
Bit by bit.
But, yeah.
Oh, I can't believe they broke up.
To you and Madison?
Yes, Dad, so what?
He's supposed to, she's his daughter.
All his life, he does the bare minimum.
She is not 32.
I never hated the guy.
I mean, I know he ran his mouth off too
much and he played the class clown...
Whoa, whoa, you're defending him.
Beautiful, Dad, thank you.
I'm just saying.
Maybe he'll find his way,
his path, you never know.
No, he won't, Dad.
He's right where he's supposed to be.
In hiding.
So I tell this kid,
if he doesn't kick in the wig,
I'm taking his TV and his car.
What does he do? What does he do?
He hands me the keys to
the car, just like that.
I rode a rhinoceros in Guatemala
with a man named Phillip.
So, I'm driving the car
for like a week, right?
Come to find out the guy
doesn't even own the car.
I saved a woman and her dwarf son
from a hotel fire against my will.
It's great.
Listen,
I pull into the house right, just
as I'm about to make a right...
I once caught a land shark in Tijuana.
It was tricky.
Yo, Manny, what the fuck is up?
Why you keep interrupting me, bro?
Your stories take too long and I'm
having a hard time believing them.
The condom broke
We're having a baby
The happiest accident
That I've ever known
He was my John
And I was his lady
I canceled my appointments
For the rest of the time
I love you, John
That's his real name.
Wow.
Don't know where that came from.
Let's not question that.
I like it.
Give me another one.
Mmm.
All right, I got to go on stage.
All right, I'll be right back.
Mmm, keep that thought, all right?
Yes.
Jenny, you still owe $20
for those e-cigarettes.
Hey, you.
Where the hell are you from, anyway?
Dressed like you're in some
old time gang or something.
You know what? I am in a gang.
You ever heard of "Sleep With Your
Mothers, The Bigger Your House"?
Hey, that shit ain't funny.
Oh, I think the audience thinks it's funny.
You know, you sneak into
town all quiet and what not
with your greasy, greasy personality.
Who knows where you're from, man?
Clint, shut your trap.
Go drink with your mother.
There you go. A woman after
my own heart. Thanks, honey.
All right, tough guy.
Let's dance.
Wow, those are four words in a row
out of you. You might need a nap.
Somebody come clean this shit up.
You must be one of the
dumbest people on the planet.
I tell you to lay low
and you get into a fight
with one of the locals while doing comedy?
Let me put it to you like this.
You just made my life twice as hard as
it is and that's damn near impossible
considering that I have
high blood pressure,
a love of dark alcohol
and a gambling addiction.
Now, you listen to me, Sammy,
you have one responsibility,
one responsibility,
stay boring.
You got that, Sammy?
Stay boring.
Hi, welcome back everybody
to The Show.
Before we get to my first guest this
evening, I have to share with you,
this video that I got
sent over the weekend.
It's insane.
There's a stand up comedian, he's
doing his act and he's getting heckled,
and then madness ensues.
Have you seen this?
It's like John Gotti doing open mic night,
guy gets into a fight with two
people in the crowd, unbelievable.
At first, I thought it was fake,
but, apparently, it's not, take a look.
Wow, those are four words in a row
out of you. You might need a nap.
Excuse me, ladies,
what are you looking at?
- We're watching you.
- Excuse me?
Yeah, it's definitely you.
Beating up Clint with
everyone in town watching.
It's kinda sexy.
What are you talking about?
Not bad for a small town comic.
Better than Bieber when he started.
Even though, you're
like three times as old.
Old?
My hair's still in fifth grade.
I'd like to see what your
dad's hair looked like at 35.
My dad was struck by
lightning at a state fair.
I'm sorry to hear that.
How did he look pre-strike?
Somebody come clean this shit up.
500,000 views.
It's, you're like, famous.
And they love you, like,
look at these comments, uh...
"My Lord, did Dice Clay and
George Lopez have a baby?"
"This guy's got it all."
Uh, oh.
"Say hello to my little
friend, I love this comic."
Somebody's found their calling.
She texted back, "K".
What the hell is that?
"K" is just a solid
response, don't read into it.
"K" is a verbal stabbing.
Here's your money, Frank.
Yo.
Your friend Sammy's
blowing up on the internet.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah.
I mean, who knew the guy was so funny.
And he's a badass.
What the fuck you talking about, Chucky?
Sammy's gone.
No, he's not. He's back, look.
I want this town rat dead.
Done.
We'll find his ass.
You know you really messed up
with this whole online video thing.
I mean, being popular is the
worst thing you could do right now.
It wasn't my fault,
the guy was heckling me.
What am I supposed to do?
I had to protect myself.
He's lucky I didn't stab
him with the fucking mic.
Piece of shit.
No one's getting stabbed.
I'm gonna need a very detailed account
of your whereabouts at all times, okay?
I'll make sure you're all right.
I go from home to the
bar, you know my schedule.
I'm dead.
This is not fucking good.
You spend a lot of time
with that Vicky, right?
So I'm gonna need her address.
Mr. Hesh?
I need to be honest with you.
Last time someone said that to me,
my girlfriend told me she
likes my best friend better.
Oh, that's too bad.
My best friend was a
girl, so it was all right.
Little emasculating but it
brought out my sensitive side.
I knew you were good.
You have a timing I
haven't heard it in years.
A natural delivery.
Like a Dangerfield or a Dice.
Now I don't wanna say
Pryor but I see a glimpse.
Are you trying to fuck me? I was
only kidding about the sensitive side.
Fuck you? I booked the Majestic Theater.
No shit.
I booked Rascal Flatts last week
and hand to God, all sold out.
And my new client, Todd Player,
he'll be there performing next week.
Well, look at that, two artists
I've never even heard of.
Mr. Hesh...
Derek...
Bobbale...
I want you to open for Todd.
That's right, picture this,
"Sold Out"
You can sell merch after
the show, if you got any.
Oh,
and it pays five grand.
Let me understand this.
You're gonna pay me $5,000 to tell jokes.
I can sell whatever
merchandise I want afterwards.
Is this a trick? Who sent you here?
Huh? Who sent you here?
What happened to the tail end of my sub?
- What?
- The sub tail,
it's the best part.
When the cheese and meat and the peppers,
they all accidentally get moved into
the tail end of the bread situation.
Pat, I think we killed everything in it.
Yeah, it's all about the meat
to bread ratio for me too, Pat.
She is cheating. I know it.
Enough.
All right, listen up.
I got a guy on the inside.
I met him when I was inside.
He's gonna meet up with
you and lead us to Sammy.
I hope they have this in heaven.
Some guy shows up to the bar,
offers me $5,000 to perform.
- You serious?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
I have never met anyone like you.
I have never met anyone like me.
I can't do it.
Why not?
It's gotta be the 500,000 views,
it's gotta be, right?
Or it's a sign?
Stop sign.
People think you're funny.
Not everyone.
Oh, hi, there he is.
Okay, so this how it's gonna happen.
When we announce you, you go on.
You'll see a light in the middle
of the room by the sound booth.
When that light hits you, you
take your time, but wrap it up.
And we take care of the rest.
If I die on that stage tonight,
I want you to take my ashes
and I want you to spread
them all over Brooklyn, okay?
God forbid,
Pu-pu-pu.
You're already a hit.
Let's give him half the money back.
People skip their shows all the time,
just say it was my voice
or something, you know.
Yo, Bobby, coffee's over.
- I'll take care of it in just a second.
- All right.
Todd Player, this is Derek Hesh.
Hey, Derek, man, God,
yo, I'm a big fan, man.
I love your video,
fucking shit is sick, man.
Comedy and music, it's like one
and the same, every note counts.
- I admire you, dude.
- Thank you.
I always heard if the opening act
sucks, the whole show is a wash.
You guys are taking a big risk
here, seriously, I'm telling you.
I could just leave and no
one will even know I was here.
Derek, I am risk.
I freaking hand glided off the
Rockies in the dead of winter.
Did the Baja 1000.
In just a jeep wrangler.
Swam with the sharks in the Dominican...
Naked.
You wanna open for yourself?
You got a fucking resume.
Dude, come on, you know, every
night, I take the stage, right?
And I'm singing songs about
lost pussy and runaway dogs
and the fucking people are going ape shit,
but you, you are doing important shit.
Yeah, man, you're you're saving the earth.
I think I'm a fucking fraud.
- No, man.
- I do.
I wanna tell you something, my friend,
'cause you got sad eyes,
I was bar mitzvahed at the Wailing Wall.
My real name is Todd Silverstein,
I'm the son of a Jewish scrap man
and a lesbian Hebrew school teacher.
Get the fuck out of here.
Derek, mazel tov.
Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage,
all the way from your
neighborhood watering hole,
please give a warm Wisconsin welcome,
- to Derek Hesh.
- I'll be right back.
- This better fucking work.
- You'll crush it.
Thank you, thank you.
You probably want me to
sing you a little something.
- Just like a little something. Let's rock it up.
- No, I'm okay.
Something about the way
She keeps me hanging on
And I keep coming
on back For more
You probably want me to continue or...?
- No, no it's...
- I'm sorry I said pussy.
Pussy.
You look like Tom Selleck fucked a badger.
Oh.
I gotta give you credit.
You have some balls leaving
the house with that face.
He's cool.
Maybe we take him on the road with us.
It's not a bad idea.
You see my cocaine?
- Nope.
- Nyquil?
Nope.
Maybe crush me up some Vibrin and
baby aspirin and put it in my hummus.
You got it.
Your poor dad, your poor dad.
I'm sure he wished he pulled out.
How does it feel to put
your parents in therapy?
So...
You and Derek.
You guys serious or what?
Very.
So...
Not really, then?
I get it.
Extremely.
I'll poke you on Facebook.
Give it up for the construction worker
from the village people, everybody.
Doesn't he look like him? I mean, God.
And that mustache.
My name is Derek Hesh, thank you so much.
We have a great show for you guys.
Todd Player's coming to the stage.
Thank you very much.
There he is.
Derek, darling, you know, I think I can
get you on The Show with Ian Cams.
- The talk show?
- The one and only.
I can't do that, listen, I'm
getting a little too popular
and I'm trying to keep a low profile,
so, it's not gonna happen, okay?
But, you know,
Buble, Buble, he was
discovered at a wedding.
Who gives a shit?
I give a shit.
I'm gonna get you his book.
Please, don't.
- It's a great read.
- I don't read.
- You know what, Derek, can I give you a hug?
- No.
- Come on.
- No hugs.
- Can I give you a hug, please?
- Don't touch me.
- Can I just touch your face?
- No.
All right, how about this?
You want eight Thai boys
massaging you in bare shorts
and whispering sweet nothings
in your ear? You got it.
You want a line of
geishas doing magic tricks,
pulling rabbits out of their
assholes while they whistle Dixie?
You got it.
'Cause I'm your guy.
Bob Lifshitz, whatever
you want, I'm your guy.
- Listen...
- Listen,
Bob, not interested, can't do it,
not gonna happen.
That's it, it's done, over with,
get out of here, come on, stop.
- All right...
- This was fun, by the way.
You know Bob, said he can
get me on the Ian Cams show.
What?
- Yeah.
- That's amazing.
Are you gonna do it?
No, I can't do that, no.
Why? It's such a good opportunity.
Yeah, listen, um...
I've been wanting to tell you
something, I gotta tell you something.
And I don't want you to get mad, okay?
But...
Here it is, my name is Sammy Legucci,
it's not Derek Hesh and I'm in
the Witness Protection Program.
In the, in, in the what,
did you kill somebody?
No, no, listen...
What did you do?
Just...
I'm from Brooklyn, New York and
I grew up with some bad people
and I did some really bad things
and now it's coming back
and biting me in the ass.
Now I have to testify against them
and the government put me here.
You know, to protect me for a couple
months till I go back and testify.
But that's it, it's over, it's done with.
Okay, so...
So, so what does this mean for us then?
No, it doesn't mean
anything. I just wanted to...
If I didn't care about you, I
wouldn't have said anything, but...
Look, I'm sorry, it's just,
there's one more thing,
I have a daughter.
Yes, and I have to go see her
before this whole thing goes down.
I'm sorry.
Please.
- How are you?
- Good.
- How's Maddy?
- She's fine.
- She's fine.
- Right.
- In and out, right?
- That's it.
Okay, I mean, forget the boys, my
daughter scares me more than they do.
Tell me about it.
- She's gone, right?
- Yeah.
She's in the city for a couple days.
All right, good.
Thanks, Frank.
Hi.
Why did you have to go? It's not fair, Dad.
Maddy, I'll be back, I promise.
I can't tell you exactly when
but I promise, I'll be back.
Just had to see your face.
You don't have another
family somewhere, do you?
What? No. I don't have
another family, honey,
No, you're the only family I have.
Maddy, I love you very, very much, okay?
And I will be back, I promise, I will.
You think so?
I know so, honey.
Listen, I want you to be a good girl,
I want you to listen to your mom, okay?
- Okay.
- I love you so much.
I love you too.
I gotta go, okay.
And now, you know, walking down to the car,
fucking clothes on my neck, my head,
everywhere, I'm holding it up.
Get to my car, I'm looking around,
it's fucking towed, gone, nothing is there.
So, now, I'm schlepping to,
uh, my friend's apartment...
Had to take an Uber over here.
You guys take Uber, right?
You know that these guys can review you?
What do you think these
reviews are even like?
As if I don't have enough
negative feedback in my life.
And the technology in these cars,
you know, you could just walk in,
link up your Spotify, listen
wirelessly, no problems.
Maybe they should link up with
Tinder, maybe even Hotels Tonight,
you know, take her out,
lay her down, ship her out.
You guys ever check out this JSwipe thing?
Yeah, it's like Tinder for ugly people.
Done.
I gotta find better friends.
You know, most people have a friend
for life, all my friends are doing life.
You know, but I'm new in town.
You know, I started dating, I met this
girl, she got so many personalities.
She keeps asking me, "Do you even like me?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I like
all seven versions of you.
I like your Sunday, I like your
Tuesday, your Thursday is a little off.
Of course, I like you,
you have sex with me."
Dating's hard, especially
when you're getting old,
God, I'm getting old.
You know how I'm getting old?
I used to play basketball, all
day, every day, nothing, I was fine.
Yesterday, I pulled a muscle on my
neck ordering food and looking left.
Yeah, there's a problem.
Anybody single in the audience?
Any single guys in the audience?
I got some good news for you.
After this financial crisis,
personality is making a comeback.
Personality is definitely
making a comeback, I swear.
I got eight jokes and Honda
Accord and I'm fucking everybody.
Okay, so, people are calling like
crazy for reservations, Sammy.
We literally can't take them all.
Babe, can we please still call me Derek?
My fake identity is the only
thing I still got going here.
I really messed up, you know that, right?
- Why?
- By doing all this.
Becoming "The Man".
Doing stand up.
I mean, you might think it's cool, but...
Where I come from, my friends
take this shit very seriously.
Well, what about the people
that are protecting you?
What about 'em?
If you knew where I come from, ha.
Yeah, okay, look, there's a motel
just past mile marker 61, meet there.
And as little talking
as possible, you follow?
Yes, and bring the money, okay?
Of course, I'm sure, what are you...
Okay, yeah, goodbye.
Oh, that feels so good.
I'm so glad you're here.
I know, I'm so happy to be here.
Uh, unfortunately, tonight
we can't do anything.
What are you talking
about? You're already here.
I know, but my girlfriend just reminded me,
- Mercury is in retrograde.
- What?
What does retrograde have
to do with you and me?
I'm very sensitive right now.
And sleeping with you tonight
could really set me off.
What? You didn't even know it was in
retrograde before your friend told you.
I know. But I knew
something was definitely off.
I mean, I cried during a
"Save the Tiger" commercial
and I don't even care about tigers.
Can't you just start this whole
retrograde nonsense tomorrow?
I can't, I made a decision this morning
and if there's one thing, you cannot change
your mind when Mercury's in retrograde.
Hmm, well.
I guess maybe you should go.
You wanna cuddle?
Let's cuddle.
This is a disaster.
No, it's nice, there.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, he's not even the talented one.
Come on, Sal, you gotta quit that shit.
Look, Sammy's always been funny.
He's got a thing about him,
you know, he's the kind
of guy you go to a party...
I knew the day I met you
That I loved you
And I needed you
Sal, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Goddammit, Dom.
Look,
I'm the one who played
peter Pan in fifth grade.
- Jesus Christ.
- Huh?
Remember that? I was good.
I was fucking great.
Flying around and shit.
Sammy? He couldn't even
play one of them lost boys.
All he had to do was play lost.
Yeah, Star Search,
you're fucking losing it.
Okay? Look,
I don't even wanna do this Sammy shit.
What? Hunting him down,
taking out our friend?
Oh, yeah? You wanna go to your Uncle
Pat, and say we're not doing it?
Guy's not even my real uncle.
He's you know, that friend of the
family who's at the house all the time,
and you got to call him uncle.
Shit, I got actual uncles who get
jealous when they hear me call him uncle.
It's too late, Dom, it's already in motion.
Fuck.
I can't believe you just broke into song.
Hey, I'm just trying
to show you what's what.
Yeah.
I wanna be able to move
him if we need to move him.
Move him if you wanna move him, you say?
Achoo.
Did you just sneeze?
It sounded like you said,
"achoo" but you didn't sneeze.
Yeah, that's the way I sneeze.
Achoo.
- Bless you.
- Thank you.
Okay, look.
We got to keep a closer
eye on Legucci, all right?
We're hired to protect him, we
can't let this get away from us.
I understand. Sometimes a
man's gotta trust his instincts
like a cat on a summer sprinkler.
What language are you speaking?
I don't understand.
Look, let's just make
everyone's life a lot easier.
You keep a closer eye on Legucci.
No problem.
Achoo.
Bless you.
But, you know, this is like
my first or second time being up
here, trying this whole comedy thing.
I used to make fun of people,
who used to go out in the audience
and be like, pick somebody
from, I mean that's not comedy.
I figured I gotta tell jokes,
I gotta start learning how to tell stories.
So I'm gonna try some jokes on you guys.
You guys like blond jokes?
What's the first thing a blond girl
says when she wakes up in the morning?
"Which one of you guys taking me home?"
A blond girl is driving to the beach,
she sees a sign that says, "Beach Left",
she makes U-turn and goes home.
These blond girls are unbelievable.
Yeah, so this blond girl
is driving down the highway,
she cuts off some guy,
and the guy pulls up next
to her and says, "Pull Over".
She pulls the car over, he's
like, "Step out of the vehicle",
takes a pencil, draws a circle, says,
"Stay in the circle, don't move".
She's standing there, he turns
around, takes a baseball bat,
and starts breaking all
her windows, boom, boom.
He turns around, the girl's on
the floor, laughing, ha-ha-ha.
He's like, "What's so funny?"
Takes a match, lights her
car, blows the shit up.
Turns around, the girl's
dying on the floor, laughing.
He goes, "Are you stupid or
something, what's so funny?"
She goes, "I'm stupid? Every time you
turned around, I went outside the circle."
'Cause you just don't
seem like a bad guy to me.
It's my smile.
It's been throwing people off for years.
You should've seen my first mugshot.
Looks like I won the lotto.
Can you just be serious, for once?
I'm gonna take this.
Hello.
Derek.
When Hashem grants you a gift,
you gotta go with it.
So get ready to curl over, throw
up and start getting nervous,
'cause you got The Show.
- Bob?
- Yeah, who else?
I don't know, anyone but Bob.
Bubbale, you got The Show.
It's a lock, I sent them
the video and they loved it.
We got dates.
Bob, you're fucking up my life, seriously.
It's a opportunity of a lifetime.
Comics' careers are made
by doing The Show.
Look, I appreciate it, I really do.
But I can't do it.
I'm gonna let that marinate.
All right, marinate.
I can't do it. I appreciate it.
Look, thank you, but, no, thank you.
Great, I'll call you
tomorrow. We'll close the deal.
Hello, hello.
What did he say?
I'm telling you, it's
all in your head, bro.
I mean, why not try finding a
girl who doesn't make you nuts?
They're out there, you know.
My gut's telling me she's got
her hand on another man right now.
Both hands.
You just gel your hair?
I put a little spritz in it.
Trying something new.
That's good.
Thanks.
Uh, here come this fucking train-wreck.
How you doing, Marshall?
I have a drinking problem and a
crush on a South American prostitute.
How does it look like I'm doing?
It's all there.
Here you go, this is where
he spends most of his time.
How's he doing? Sammy?
You know, I've been at
this job almost 20 years,
and I've never seen ingratiate
themselves in a community so quickly.
The guy found his calling.
Gotta give it to him for that, right?
We'll give it to him, all right.
Yeah, well, he's close. So it
should be over pretty quickly.
Good.
We'll give the other
20 when the job is done.
Then I will see you boys soon.
These big city Marshalls are
always on the verge of something,
always on the verge of
corruption, I don't know.
It's just more confusion than a
crossword puzzle on a blind man's Tuesday.
- Achoo.
- Bless you.
Thank you, sweetie. Achoo.
- Bless you.
- Thank you, babe.
Well, why don't you check
the Marshall's records?
You know, find out if he's made any
calls to the New York area recently,
and if so, to who.
That's a good idea.
I was gonna do it myself but that's
a strong idea nonetheless, sweetie.
I'm just trying to help. Right,
Rex? Mommy just wants to help out.
Right.
Rex, did you brush
those teeth this morning?
No, I took a break from the brush.
Needs a break from the brush.
That Marshall's a real piece of work, huh?
Yeah, like he's had 20 years of bad luck.
Someone else is gonna
see some bad luck today.
Can I help you?
We're looking for a friend of ours.
We hear he's inside.
Only friends here are mine.
Back up, Earl.
Yeah, I'll back up, but I'm
right here if you need me.
I'm a day drinker, boys.
I do my nighttime shit during the daytime.
Let's dance.
No, where the fuck is he?
I sense your confidence
from your puffed out chest
and your wonderful hair.
But we don't know your friend.
We don't make new friends.
That long list is closed.
Yeah.
Maybe this will help.
Oh, no.
You can check inside if you would like.
Go right on ahead.
You got great taste in hair.
But this ain't over.
Let's go.
Fucking guy sends us
right into a clubhouse?
Time to pay the Marshall a visit.
We can stay here if you need us to.
I don't really like slumber parties
with dudes and I didn't bring my pajamas,
but I can see you're very, very scared.
I think the guns and the hatchet shook
'em up for a little while, though.
How the hell did they find me?
I'm in Wisconsin.
Hmm.
- Most specially considering how teeny tiny you are.
- I'm 5'7".
I think that's a little bit of a lie.
5' 6 and a half.
I think you're still lying to yourself.
5'6", honestly.
Just let it go.
Maybe like 5'4".
And you're all over the internet.
Hey, this is Mike Stevens,
welcome back to 106.5 WKTU.
Some local gossip news here,
we hear that local comedian and
internet sensation, Derek Hesh
will be announcing that he is
going on the Ian Cams show.
It's all going down tonight
at the Corner Parks.
Stay tuned to win tickets this week
and it only shoots two
hours away in Grand Rapids.
I tried to eat puppet pussy
and I got splinters in my teeth.
All right, that's enough, we have to go.
Fine, fine.
Ruined my pussy and my night.
Let's just get there so we can
all feel bad about our lives.
That's a good idea.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the man responsible for
the success of this place,
and he's doing The Show, Derek Hesh.
Whoo! Oh!
You know, the first time I came up
here, I didn't know what I was doing.
I was just speaking my mind,
and you guys laughed.
And it made me feel really, really good.
But, unfortunately,
this is the end for me.
I can't do The Show.
Derek Hesh is not even my name.
Derek Hesh is the name
the government gave me.
My name is Sammy Legucci.
I'm a small-time gangster from Brooklyn
and I decided to testify
against my best friends.
The government put me here
so they can protect me.
They're not really doing a great job.
You don't know these guys.
Hold on here, excuse me.
Hold on, excuse me.
Excuse me, Derek or Sammy
or whatever your name is,
can you just sit down?
I have something to say.
Sit down.
You awakened the people of this town.
I lost my wife,
the love of my life,
the woman that meant everything to me.
Sure, I lost her
few blocks away
to claw out the berry farmer.
What the hell, shit happens.
The point is,
you gave me an outlet.
So, thank you.
Me too.
Shit.
I'm famous 'cause of you, bro.
My name is Clint Morris.
And
most of you fucking people know me 'cause you
probably drove me home when I was drunk.
But, guess what, that ain't me now.
Okay?
I saw that video
and I saw that anger that got the
best of me and I fucking cried.
I cried.
For the first time in my life.
And I don't know what you...
If you people fucking know what 35
years of pent up tears looks like,
I'll tell you.
It's like both my eyes
were going to the bathroom.
Each eye, individually,
just fucking pissing.
Fuck...
One time in third grade,
an unfortunate young man
made the costly mistake of calling
me stupid while I was giving a speech,
and so, I chewed his nose
and pushed him off a bridge.
I took care of that.
But I digress.
You know, I've never
seen my sister so happy.
Used to seeing her in bad
relationship after bad relationship
after bad relationship.
Usually had to step in
and hit people very hard.
So I don't really care
what your real name is,
or what you did in your past,
or even how tall you are.
I just know that
you make her really happy
and, um, her being happy
really means a lot to me, so...
So I say if you wanna go do The
Show then just go fucking do it.
Iron Badgers got your back.
Let's do it.
You guys like Italian food?
I like Italian Food, I went to an Italian
restaurant in this town, unbelievable.
I walk in,
waitress come over, she gives me a menu.
I'm like, "Excuse me, how
is the penne pasta here?"
She goes, "It's $21."
I go,
"Who asked you? How is it?"
She's like, "I don't know,
nobody ever orders it, it's $21."
Difference is, where I come from,
you go to an Italian
restaurant for an experience.
It's a real experience, you walk in,
guy named Joey walks over,
he's like, "How you doing?"
You good?", "Good, I'm good."
"Yeah, sit down, what, you hungry?"
"Yeah, I was thinking
maybe we'll have pasta."
"You want pasta? Frankie!
Let's get this guy some meatballs,
let's get him some penne, let's get his
some spaghetti, let's get him some pasta.
What are you drinking?
"Maybe a glass of wine."
"Give him a bottle of wine."
I'm eating, I'm drinking, it's
the best experience of my life,
then I ask him the bill. Guy goes,
"Bill? We don't have a bill here.
I mean, what did you have?"
"Had some pasta, some wine."
"Give me $300, we're good."
$300, unbelievable.
You guys like Jewish jokes?
Anybody wanna hear Jewish jokes?
One day, outside of a church,
there's two guys standing there.
One guys is holding a sign that
says, "I'm Jewish, please help."
Right next to him, another guy is standing,
says, "I'm Catholic, please help."
People coming out of church,
they see these two guys,
everybody is walking over to the Catholic,
obviously, it's outside of a church,
start giving him money.
This goes on for weeks.
The more times, they see this guy
holding the sign, that says, "I'm Jewish",
they go to the Catholic guy, they
give him more money, more money.
One day the priest comes out.
Walks over to the guy with
the sign, "I'm Jewish",
says, "Listen, I'm gonna help you out,
you know, there's a
synagogue down the block,
I think if you stand there,
you'll make more money,
you obviously see people giving money
to the guy with the "Catholic" sign.
The guy looks at the priest, then looks at
the guy with the "Catholic" sign and goes,
"Jaco, they're trying to
teach us how to make money."
Jews, they're the best.
I'm sure I'm fine, just let
me speak to her for a minute.
For what? ...for what? Sammy?
Listen, I just want to
hear her voice, okay?
God forbid, something happens,
I just want to hear her voice.
Can you please put her on the
phone, Maria, just one second?
Okay, Sammy.
Don't let her down.
We'll be watching.
Nothing is gonna happen to you.
Okay? Nothing.
You were never in any trouble,
these rednecks aren't gonna
pull the trigger on you.
We know that.
We just wanted to thank
you for getting us close.
Seriously.
You're gonna get the rest of your money.
Well, that is much appreciated.
My hooker's got me in couple's therapy.
Whatever.
You could've gotten us
fucking killed out there.
Killed? What? Would you relax?
No one's getting killed on my watch.
I've been doing this for 23 years...
Enough.
No wonder this guy's paying
for pussy, won't shut up.
What the fuck, Sal? In the car?
I'm sorry, I'll clean it up.
I'm on edge.
Lorie hasn't responded in 13 hours,
except for two or three Ks and
"Of course, I still like you."
I mean, I'm literally,
losing my mind at this point.
Sal, you killed a US Marshall, bro...
Dude, she's got three
new likes on her page,
from guys that I've never even seen before.
- You're fucking unstable.
- You're telling me.
She posted two pictures
of herself in lingerie.
I mean, what the fuck?
You girl posts lingerie
pictures on Facebook?
Yeah, she says, if I can model, so can she.
But you don't even fucking model.
Come on, man, where's the support, huh?
I'm working on my look book.
Oh, shut the fuck up, come on.
My God, this motherfucker's heavy.
Oh, God.
I'm Special Agent Nicholas. Can we talk?
And you think the Marshall
is calling the shots?
Yes, I do. He had a sleepy
disposition about him.
And I've been working off gut
instinct and cornbread for 20 years.
Okay, I got an inkling stronger
than a redneck with a pale wife.
Look, these are serious allegations, Colin.
Are those words coming out of your mouth?
There hasn't been a corrupt
Marshall mob connection since 1977.
I understand.
I understand but I'm surer than a week
old toast in the kitchen of cougar.
Look, my husband has a gift.
He told he thought that my
daddy was cheating on my mommy,
two weeks later, they filed for divorce.
Daddy had a lover.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Did you know the other woman or?
A woman? No, he left her for a 26
year old firefighter named Brick.
- Big son of a bitch.
- Oh, yeah.
Then I'll make the call.
Man didn't ask you to
a Walker Texas, buddy.
Go make the call.
Why you looking at my wife funny?
No, I wasn't looking at your wife funny?
I just feel bad about Brick.
I truly have never cared less
about what one man has said to me.
Unlike your physical presence,
your fear's very, very tall.
But it doesn't need to be.
We're gonna get to the
place, assess the situation,
and make sure you're protected.
I hope the motherfucker does try some shit.
- No, you don't.
- No, I don't.
Okay, everything's going to be fine.
We are going to go there,
you're going to be amazing,
and then, we're gonna come home.
Because I have way too
many plans for us, okay?
You know what god says about plans, right?
You don't know?
Hey,
I wanted to say something
to you up on that stage.
Oh, yeah, what would you have said?
I would've said that you have
made my life so much better.
You know, regardless of what
happens between us, it's...
just true.
Did I really?
I mean, if we really break it down,
did I make your life that much better?
- I mean, there was the whole lie.
- Hmm.
- The criminal past.
- Hmm.
Can you just shut up for one second?
Yeah.
All right, let's introduce
Derek Hesh to the world.
It had to be done.
For this, you two are gonna get
a bump when you get back, Sal.
You and Dom both.
We got big plans for you.
We appreciate that, Pat.
Of course.
What am I, an animal?
Call me when it's done.
You wanna know the truth?
Please, enlighten me.
I'm going to hit you with the truth.
When a girl says "K", she
don't give a fuck about you.
And when she says, "I like
you", it's not code for love.
She fucking likes you, likes, that's it.
And she goes silent at 9:00 pm.,
there's a 99 percent chance
she's fucking somebody else.
You are crossing a line, Dom.
You are really crossing a fucking line!
Sammy shit on every dream
I ever had, you know that.
Dude, the kid liked to bust balls is all.
Not for nothing, Sal, modeling thing,
little out there.
I'm uncomfortably handsome
in certain circles.
- What circles?
- Circles!
Anyway, fuck Sam. He's a rat.
- He's a rat?
- Yeah, he's a rat.
Everyone's a fucking rat.
For all we know, it was
Pat that dimmed on us.
I mean, that motherfucker's
got Intel on everyone.
He knows where Sammy was living,
what he was doing, where he was going,
who the fuck knows anymore?
It is what it is, Dom.
Fuck that overused phrase.
Lorie loved that saying.
I gotta take this.
Hello.
They said Derek Hesh is performing,
they didn't even have a picture of you.
Yeah, they don't do that all the time.
Oh, my God, I swear to God, Sam Legucci,
if you're not on the TV tonight...
Calm down, okay.
Put Maddy on the phone, please.
Fine, honey,
your father.
- Daddy?
- Hey, baby.
Daddy, you don't have to be
nervous, you're gonna be great.
I know, listen, Maddy.
No matter what happens tonight,
I just want you to know that I love you
more than anything in the
whole world, okay, honey?
What do you mean? It's gonna be great.
I know.
Can you put your mom back on the phone?
I love you, Maddy.
We're gonna be watching, Sammy Legucci.
I hope you know what you're doing.
Me too.
There must've been love
there at some point.
I will call more like
a strong, strong like.
Okay, so what's with this Derek Hesh?
Uh, million hits, kid's blowing up,
I mean, this show is
really lucky to have him.
Okay, I've heard of Chappelle. I've
heard of Attell, I've heard of Rock.
I've never heard of Hesh.
Well, you will after tonight.
Didn't I tell you we'd get you here?
Thanks, Manny.
Hey,
I know it's hard for you
to understand our world,
this is what we do.
Now go knock 'em dead.
"Knock 'em dead?"
What do you mean, "A special feed"?
It's welcometotheshow.tv, and we
can watch live all their taping.
We're gonna see Daddy on
TV, it's gonna be great.
That would be great, honey.
Mom, you should give
him a break, he's trying.
What more can you ask for?
And he's famous.
He's famous.
- Let's do it?
- Great. Mm-hmm.
You know this is amazing, right?
You get to have your moment.
Not everybody gets to have their moment.
Hmm.
I'll see you when it's over.
Well, if it isn't Don fucking Rickles.
- Don't fucking move.
- Don't you fucking move.
You, get out of the bed
slowly, face the wall.
I'm so sick of your fucking whining.
Dom,
what the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Dom, I got some guys with me.
They can hide you out, come with me.
No, bro.
You do your thing, Sammy.
You're fucking talented.
I'm proud of you, bro.
I always loved you, Dom.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
- Kill it.
- Excuse me.
You're on in five minutes.
I'm so sorry.
What's going on out here?
I just ran into some old friends.
Okay, let's go.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the show,
we are happy to have him,
give it up, you guys,
for the very funny, the
hilarious, Derek Hesh.
Thank you very much, thank you.
First, I'd like to start by
saying hello to my daughter.
Maddy, look at this,
your father figured out a way to
get on TV with absolutely no talent.
I'm obviously not the first one.
Um...
But first, I'd like to
set the record straight.
My name is actually not Derek Hesh.
No, my name is Sammy Legucci,
and I'm from Brooklyn, New York.
That's right.
Thank you.
Um, you know, I didn't
Google this or anything
but I'm pretty sure I'm the first
comedian in the history of comedy
to be doing The Show while
still in the Witness Protection Program.
Yeah, the Program's got a new thing
they're trying, they throw you on TV,
and just hope for the best.
Uh, but the truth is,
having a loudmouth comment for everything
is actually not a bad
way to get into comedy.
I mean, I've been in the
program for, like, a month now,
I must've offended the whole town.
Um...
But to figure out how I got here,
we got to start with my
family, ha, my family.
My dad,
last thing he said to me
before he left, he was like,
"Son, you're the man
of the house now."
I'm thinking to myself, "I'm seven."
He was a bank robber.
Not a good one, we never had any money.
The guy was unbelievable,
the guy was unbelievable.
I mean, the last time I saw him,
he went out for a carton of milk,
the next time I saw him, he
was on the carton of milk.
I mean, he kept sending
me pictures of himself.
Always wearing the same
thing, an orange jumpsuit.
I just thought he liked
Halloween, what do I know, right?
But, you know, I made a promise to
myself, I would never be like him,
no, siree, I would never be like him,
But I figured life's
a gamble, right?
I mean, I made it all
the way here on a bet.
So you know what, from now on,
I'm gonna bet on myself.
That's right, I'm gonna
bet on Sammy Legucci.
I appreciate your time, thank you
very much, thank you, thank you.
Maddy, I love you so
much, I'll see you soon.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.