Abner, the Invisible Dog (2013) Movie Script
Abner!
Abner!
Leave that cat alone,
you silly dog!
Hi, Sophie!
Hi, Chad.
So what's going on up there?
Oh, nothing.
Can I walk with you to school?
Sure. Isn't it
your birthday today?
Yeah. You remembered?
Well, you told me yesterday.
Oh.
Well, Happy Birthday.
You picked a great day for it.
The sky is so blue today.
Well, actually,
the sky isn't blue.
It's the way the sunlight looks
in the earth's atmosphere.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, the sunlight
is different waves,
and each wave
is a different color,
and we see blue when
the white light is scattered
by air molecules.
Wow. You really know a lot.
Yeah, well,
we learned it in class.
Well, we're studying
dinosaurs right now.
Yeah. Dinosaurs are so cool.
Chad?
Is anything wrong?
No. Everything is fine. Yes.
You're pretty smart,
aren't you?
Yeah, Chad's
a regular Einstein.
A real brainiac.
He should be teaching science
instead of Mr. Schultz.
Right, Chad?
Hi, Kevin. Hi, Josh.
Hey.
You're dating
the brainiac, Sophie?
We're just talking.
Lay off, Chad.
It's his birthday.
Oh, you hear that, guys?
It's Chad's birthday.
You know what, Chad?
I am so sorry.
Let me guess.
You're 13, right?
That's right.
13's a really unlucky number.
You better be
real careful today.
Sorry about the books, Chad.
Come on, Sophie.
We'll take you to school.
You don't want to be seen
with a dweeb like Chad.
People will start to talk.
One of these days...
Q-96 is stabilized, ma'am.
Good. Put it with
the P-67 prototype.
We've gotta take
good care of these.
You got that right, Jackie.
Schedule the sterilization,
gentlemen.
That means lunch.
You got 35 minutes.
Oh, my God. Look!
It's Old Man Jenkins!
He sure is movin' slow today.
I wonder why they
still keep him around.
He can barely lift
a waste paper basket.
He may not have the muscle,
but he's got seniority.
Don't you mean senility?
Don't be so callous, Ed.
We'll all be old someday.
Speak for yourself.
You're on break, Johnson.
You go in 30, Hayes.
Wow. Guess that old geezer moves
a little faster than we thought.
Hey, check this out.
Is that Jenkins?
Has he lost his mind?
Code red! Code red!
Go, guys, go.
- Where'd he go?
- Don't know!
- Hey!
- Hey! Stop!
Hey! Stop!
Hey, come on!
Get back here!
He's in the east corridor.
I'm coming with you.
Hey, hold it, buddy!
Ow!
Hey!
Come on, let's go!
Oh, right!
Where'd they go?
Probably gonna switch cars.
It was like taking
candy from a baby.
Wh-Where did you
find candy in there?
What?
You said you took
candy from a baby.
I don't understand how
there'd be candy and an infant
inside a government
laboratory.
Would you just shut up
and pull in over there.
Fine.
Man, I was a good Jenkins.
I should've been an actor.
All right, I'll stash the stuff.
You find a new set of wheels.
All right, will do.
They couldn't just have
vanished into thin air.
They're around here somewhere.
Pull over.
Welcome to Toy Wonder Shack,
where all your dreams come true.
- Oh!
- I'm sorry. My bad.
I wasn't watching
where I was going.
Can you help me?
I forgot my son's birthday.
I mean, I forgot it until
my wife reminded me of it
20 minutes ago.
You're the expert.
What does
a 13-year-old boy want?
A 13-year-old girl.
Yeah...
I don't know, mister.
I think it kind of
depends on the kid.
His birthday's now.
Like today.
I have to buy him
the best present ever.
Something really special.
I bet this place goes crazy
at Christmas.
I mean, how often
does a kid turn 13?
Science.
Science! My boy Chad
loves science.
Do you have
any science toys?
Near the back.
Thanks.
Can you go ahead...
Sorry, buddy!
That's my chemistry set.
I think you're mistaken.
I just bought it for my son.
Why don't you
get another one?
I can't. It's the last one
in the store.
Well, I'm sorry,
but this one is mine.
Hey, hey, easy, easy, guys.
This is a toy store.
Hey, you stay out of it,
buddy.
Um... you know what?
I couldn't help but overhear.
You got a kid, right?
Yeah. Today's his birthday,
and I'm running late,
so if you'll excuse me.
Well, uh, buddy, um...
I got a kid, too.
Uh, little Janey.
She's so cute.
- And she loves chemistry.
- Ha.
And...
you don't wanna break a little
girl's heart, now, do you?
No, I... But you can
buy her something else.
You know what? I can't because
she wants this chemistry set.
So...
Look, I don't wanna
have to say this, but...
she's injured.
She crashed a car.
Your little girl
was driving a car?
She was hitchhiking.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
Mm.
Well, best of luck
to you and Janey.
Who?
Your little hitchhiking girl.
Right, right. Um...
Hey, you know what?
You know what I loved
when I was a kid? Money.
Right?
Who didn't love money?
I bet your son would love
some cold, hard cash
for his birthday.
Right? And then he could
buy whatever he wants.
So what'd you pay for that?
What, 20 bucks?
I will give you 50.
What am I sayin'?
How about 100?
- Yeah!
- All right!
How about 150?
Um...
Will you take a check?
No.
Give me that chemistry set!
Um, um...
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Can you giftwrap that for me?
You got it.
Kane. It's me.
Did you get the wheels?
Good. Meet me on
the corner of Third.
Near that place.
All right.
There's nobody in here.
Let's go.
We gotta keep looking.
Come on.
- Where's the stuff?
- Shut up.
Um, hello, Mr. Denning.
Mr. Murdoch! Haven't heard
anything from you today.
I was starting
to get worried.
Yeah, sir, there's been
a little complication.
You do have the vials,
don't you?
Well, there's... it's...
I know where they are.
They're in a toy store.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Let me just say I need
those vials by tomorrow
in order to make
a very important delivery.
I would hate
to be disappointed.
I understand, and I
will not disappoint you.
Make sure that you don't.
So, Murdoch,
we're gonna buy a toy?
Yeah! Yeah, we're getting a toy.
Yeah!
Wanna know what it's called?
A bag o' fist.
You want some?
You're so sensitive.
So what are we doing?
We're waiting.
Oh, right, right!
Waiting for what?
Waiting for this guy
to come out of the store.
We're gonna follow him home
and grab the toy chemistry set
from him.
Cool. So we are getting a toy.
Yeah, yeah.
- I forgot to give you this.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- What do you got...
There it is!
Now shut up!
There he is. Let's go!
Okay, yeah.
- Seriously?
- Safety first.
- Let's go!
- All right!
Hey, Chad.
How's your birthday so far?
Okay, I guess.
Well, that's good.
What do you say we make dinner
before your mom gets home?
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, sir,
both vials of serum.
Q-96 and P-67 are missing.
The thief knew exactly what
they were looking for and where.
Yes, I do understand.
Oh, Charlie, this is serious.
And I've been cleared to
tell you just how serious.
All right, shoot.
We've been developing
Q-96 and P-67
for international espionage
and infiltration.
The formulas are
multilinguistic intelligence
and concealment enhancers.
What's that in English?
That's all I can tell you.
Value on
the international market?
Priceless.
Have your team here
come up with anything?
No. We've run trace DNA,
fingerprints,
voice recognition.
We got zip.
Can anyone from Washington
be sent down to help us?
The operation's confined
to this team.
Outside of Washington,
we're the only ones
who knows these chemicals
even exist,
and they want us
to keep it that way.
It's a little late for that.
So where do we go from here?
Try to pick up the trail.
Looks like the gang's all here.
We're up against a gang?
Just watch the house.
Hi, honey.
Sorry I'm late.
Work was crazy.
No worries.
Timing is everything.
That sounds good.
My mother always told me
to marry a man who could cook.
I don't know if this actually
qualifies as cooking,
but it is hot,
and there's a lot of it.
So where's our birthday boy?
I don't know. I think he's, uh,
he's around here someplace.
Right on cue.
Hi, Mom.
Happy Birthday!
- How's your day been?
- Better now.
Good. If you've been
playing with that dog,
you better wash your hands
for dinner.
All right, Mom.
Where your Aunt Ida?
Oh, she's in the den,
watching TV.
Judge Joanie?
MMA.
Oh, dear.
I'll go get her.
Do you need any help?
No. I got it all covered.
Hands, young man.
Ed, I have always admired that
lovely rubber tree plant.
Thank you.
It's a ficus tree, Aunt Ida.
Well, of course it is.
Even the dog knows that.
Oh! It has
such a lovely smell.
Kinda like a rainforest.
It's an artificial tree.
Uh, those are my favorite,
Karen.
Sharon. My name is Sharon.
Hey, what'd I tell you
about feeding Abner scraps
from the table?
Oh, let Abner eat.
It's his birthday,
for heaven's sake.
Abner's the dog, Aunt Ida.
Oh, well, you better not let him
near that rubber tree plant.
Ficus!
Gesundheit!
It's time to reconnoiter.
Re-con-what, sir?
We're gonna take a look-see.
Look-see? I don't, uh...
- Just follow me.
- Right.
Hmm.
Well, you certainly have
some lovely neighbors.
Oh, have you seen 'em?
I have now.
You're growing up
so fast, Chad.
I'm a teenager now.
Oh, don't say that!
You are still my baby!
Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Oh, I don't care.
Happy Birthday, Chad!
Well, have you
thought of a wish?
Not yet.
Give me a second.
I have something special
I want to give you
for your birthday, Chad.
Chad?
Chad!
- Oh.
- The candles?
Oh, right.
Happy Birthday, son.
Happy Birthday.
Thanks, Mom.
What's this?
Oh, boy!
Socks?
And new pajamas.
Oh, wow. I mean, great.
When you're older, you'll
appreciate having new clothes.
Dad doesn't.
Well, your father's
a special case,
but I haven't
given up hope on him.
Happy Birthday, Abner.
Uh, thanks.
Hey! I've been
looking for those!
Where'd you find 'em?
Why don't you open the one
that I got for you.
Gee, thanks, Dad.
Svengoolie's Mad Lab
Chemistry Set!
That's totally awesome!
I had to tackle a team of
gomers to get it for you.
I figured
you'd really like it.
A box of dangerous chemicals.
Really, Ned?
What are you thinking?
It's perfectly safe.
If anything, Chad's probably
too old for it.
No, I'm not.
This is awesome!
Can I check it out now?
Sure! I mean...
Sure...
if your mother says
that it's okay.
All right!
We can save
your cake for later.
Gee, thanks, Mom.
Come on, Abner!
A chemistry set?
How do you know he's not
gonna burn the house down?
Oh, it's perfectly fine.
I had one when I was a kid,
right, Aunt Ida?
That's right, George.
And I'm sure
that turned out swell.
Come on, come on.
Come on, boy.
I snuck one more snack
for you.
Whoa. Look at all
this stuff, Abner.
Sulfur.
I bet that's for making
stink bombs.
Wonder what this is.
"C-H-3-C-O-2-H."
Vinegar.
"Q-96."
"P-67."
Never heard of 'em.
What do you think?
We need some instructions.
Oh, here we go.
This isn't helping.
Half of it's in Chinese,
and half of it's in English.
It's all messed up.
I-I mean, I guess
it couldn't hurt.
Okay, Abner, not now.
It's hard enough
reading this
without you breathing
down my neck.
It says it's supposed
to taste like cotton candy.
Well, it's starting to smell
pretty good.
Not exactly
cotton candy, but...
All right, here, smell it.
Whoa! Abner!
You're just supposed
to sniff it.
What's going on in there?
Why don't I get to see?
Because I'm the brains,
and you're the bruin.
Ohh!
Chad, do you want
to cut your cake now?
Uh, that's okay, Mom.
Can I do it later?
I'm kind of busy.
Okay. Just don't blow us all
to smithereens.
Give me a break.
Mom, they wouldn't really
put anything dangerous
in a kid's
chemistry set, right?
Don't be too sure.
Oh. Don't forget.
We're driving your Aunt Ida back
to Fetal Acres in the morning.
Do I have to go?
Yes. We all have to go.
All right, Mom.
Boy, Abner, I sure hope
that was safe to drink.
I mean, it's got to be, right?
I wonder what it says
in the manual.
Can't even make
heads or tails of this.
I can make tails of it.
And you're right.
It is Chinese.
Egg rolls and all.
And this so-called English
translation is very amateurish.
Wait. What?
I would guess Taiwanese.
Yes, definitely Taiwanese.
Abner, you're talking!
Oh, you're quick, kid.
Real quick!
I'm impressed.
Ah!
What? What?
Will you get out of the way?
Aah!
There's no way
this could be happening.
You don't just whip up
a cotton candy formula
out of a dime store
chemistry set
and your dog starts talking.
Obviously. There's a lot more
to this than meets the eye.
Chad, I mean, you're not exactly
a rocket scientist, are you?
- I mean, no offense.
- None taken.
Wait a minute.
See, I hit my head today
when a bully pushed me.
You're not a talking dog.
You're just a whacked-out
hallucination.
Whacked-out? I think
I've just been insulted.
Abner, you are not
a talking dog.
Have it your way.
Mom! Dad!
What's wrong, son?
Poison gas.
I smell poison gas.
Ned, it's that chemistry set.
No! It's Abner.
I smell cotton candy
and vinegar.
My baby.
Are you all right?
Speak to me.
You're crushing me, Mom.
I'm fine.
It's Abner. He...
Oh, son.
It is not uncommon for a dog
to let loose a little gas
every now and then.
That, my friend,
is exactly why we do not
feed him people food
from the table.
That is wicked.
No, it's not gas.
I created this formula,
and Abner drank it,
and now he can talk.
Mmm.
- Abner can talk.
- Oh.
Well, trust me, honey,
the only talking that Abner's
doing is out of his butt.
He can read Chinese, too.
Show him, boy.
Actions speak louder
than words.
No, but he does talk.
Abner, please, just speak.
Speak!
All right, very funny,
young man.
No. Maybe he's just
a little shy.
I've had about enough of this!
One more sound
out of either of you,
and you're grounded.
But, Mom!
Chad, I'm surprised at you, son.
No more jokes.
And no more
science experiments, okay?
We have an early day tomorrow,
and it's time for bed.
Lights out
in 10 minutes, mister.
And open a window,
will ya?
You know, for a minute there
I really thought you could talk.
I really believed
you were smart.
Smart enough to know
when I keep my mouth shut.
You should try it
sometime, Chad.
But why didn't you
say anything to my parents?
Now they think I'm some
sort of practical joker.
Ah, they'll get over it.
You're a kid.
You're expected
to do dumb stuff.
But a talking dog?
No one's expecting that.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
What do you think's gonna
happen to me
if anyone finds out
about this?
I don't know.
You'll get your own
reality TV show?
Worse than that.
They'll take me away for sure.
And you and me would probably
never see each other again.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, wow.
So put your smart pants on
and let's agree:
Mum's the word, right?
Right.
Trust me,
you ain't gonna believe
what I just seen.
Try me.
Th-The dog...
He can talk.
Dog?
What dog?
- The boy's dog.
- What boy?
The boy with
the chemistry set.
What chemistry set?
The chemistry set that
I stashed the two vials in
that we stole.
Ah, I see.
Now, did this talking dog
drink any of the formula?
Yes, sir.
All right.
Now, did this talking dog also
drink the other vial as well?
Uh, I don't think so, no.
Good, good, good, good.
So this is
what we're gonna do.
Since one vial
is already gone,
you and Mr. Kane are gonna
kidnap the talking dog
so that we can analyze it
and hopefully recreate
the formula that you two idiots
so foolishly let get away.
Right. All right.
What are we gonna do with the
dog once you're done with it?
Sadly we'll have
to put the dog down
so we can properly
analyze it.
There's just no other way.
You will also acquire
the remaining vial,
and you will bring it to me.
Now, uh...
this boy with the dog,
is he home... alone?
Unfortunately his parents
are around.
All right.
Watch the house
until the parents go out
and then initiate the plan.
Right. What plan?
The plan we just discussed!
Right, of course, Boss.
Yeah, I mean,
he just said the...
I was just thinking
about the dog, you know?
What, are you afraid of dogs?
- Uh, no.
- Good.
Now, fetch!
Right, Boss.
Glad we had this talk.
All right, your turn.
Come on.
There you go!
What'd you do that for?
Your turn to watch the house.
Hey, look, there's some melted
cheese stuck on this.
You're disgusting.
Rise and shine, son.
Remember, we gotta take Aunt Ida
to the home today.
Oh. I just remembered.
I have a science project that's
due first thing Monday morning.
Hmm. And you just now
remembered.
Well, yeah, I guess with all
the birthday excitement,
it must have slipped my mind.
I don't like
the sound of this,
but I'll see if I can
convince your mom
to let you stay home
and work on your project.
Gee, thanks.
Well, you are 13.
I think you're old enough
to take care of yourself,
for a few hours anyway.
Don't forget,
if you need anything,
give us a call.
I sure will, Dad.
And thanks for trusting me.
Oh, and, Dad?
Yeah, son.
Sorry about last night.
You know, the talking dog stuff
and all.
It's okay, Chad.
You're a kid.
You're expected
to do dumb stuff.
That's just what he said.
Who?
Just some guy on TV.
See ya later, champ.
I think you handled that
very well.
I'm proud of you.
Well, what do we do now?
Did you just...
Hey, if you're smart,
you'll let me go outside.
It's been a long night,
you know.
Oh, right, yeah.
Well, come on.
Ooh...
So this is
where they beat us.
Well, maybe
somebody saw them.
We should canvass the area.
All right, but I have to call
the director first.
Okay, but if anybody's asking,
tell 'em I'm doing
a bang-up job, okay?
Good morning, Jackie.
Good morning, sir.
We've located their vehicle.
I think the thieves
probably took off on foot.
Now, we are searching
the immediate area,
but I don't think we're
gonna find them here.
At best, maybe someone
can identify them
or maybe there was
a security camera
that got a clean image
we can use.
I'll call you
as soon as I learn anything.
- You do that.
- Oh, and, sir?
Charlie's doing
a really bang-up job.
No one's asking, Jackie.
Right.
I tell ya, Fred,
you'll never get a girl
driving around in
a crappy-looking car like that.
I already have a girl,
Aunt Ida.
Well, you'll never
get rid of her
driving around in
a crappy-looking car like that.
I call shotgun.
Murdoch. Murdoch.
- Murdoch!
- What? What? What?
You told me to wake you up
when the family left.
Oh.
Good boy, Kane.
Come on.
Tell me again.
Why are we doing this?
Obviously we have something
far more advanced
than your dad
ever bargained for.
We might be wise to discover
exactly what it is.
Well, what if it turns you into
a monster or something?
This is powerful stuff.
It certainly does pack a little
bang for your buck at 29.99.
That's amazing. How do you
know how much it costs?
I have psychic powers.
Wow!
That, and your dad left
the price tag on it.
Oh. Right.
Are you sure
you wanna try this?
Phew!
Smells like the butt
of that Scottish Terrier
down the street.
Is that bad?
Well, not exactly.
Bottom's up.
Not terrible.
How do you feel?
Sorry!
You're excused.
Ooh. My stomach's
a little upset.
I think I'm gonna need
to eat some grass.
I feel like
I'm fading fast, kid.
Abner, you just
turned invisible!
Wha...
Whazza...
- Am I dreaming?
- Can't be.
Would you just shh!
Shh.
Wow! That's some birthday gift
you got there.
This is all starting to get
very, very weird.
Oh, now it's starting
to get weird. Really? Now?
And you're not helping,
either.
Well, what do you
expect me to do?
I don't know.
I need to think.
Well, well, well!
What have we here?
Aah!
Don't touch, you...
- We gotta get outta here.
- Right, let's go.
Come on!
Come on, Chad.
Get this thing off me.
It sure would make me
feel better
if you kept
your dog collar on.
Like that wouldn't attract
any attention.
Relax, kid.
Everything's fine.
All right, but this
makes me very nervous.
Look, I'm not just some
dumb dog anymore, all right?
I'm as smart as you are,
so lay off the...
Oh!
Did someone just say cat?
Gotta go!
Abner, no!
Wait!
Abner! Abner!
Come here!
Abner, you just turned visible
again, then invisible.
How did you do that?
I don't know. I had my mind
on more important things.
Well, do it again.
Yeah, got nothing.
- That was freaky.
- Yeah.
And the cat got away, too.
What's up with that?
First I thought you were
all smart and civilized,
but you're still
chasing after cats.
Cats would be running the world
if it wasn't for guys like me.
You can't ever
let your guard down.
Really? Cats?
Oh, yeah! Cats!
Don't blow it, Chad.
- What?
- Don't blow it.
If those two jerks
Josh and Kevin show up again,
stand up to them.
Don't be such a weenie.
All right.
Hi, Chad.
Hello, Sophie.
How was your birthday?
Great.
What are we gonna tell
the boss?
- It's the boss.
- Yeah.
Hey, Boss, I was just
about to call you.
Um, no, the vial is empty,
and we don't see
the talking dog.
No, he's here, all right.
We just don't... see him.
He's a see-through pooch.
What are you two nimrods
hanging around for?
Yeah, that's right.
The dog drank the other vial,
and then...
he went invisible.
Like in the movies.
No, no, no. We were all set
to kidnap the dog,
but that's when he kinda
went invisible on us.
You two were gonna kidnap me.
You gotta be dreaming.
- You and what army?
- The kid?
He's not gonna be a problem.
And as far as
this mangy mutt,
all we gotta do is find out
exactly where he is,
and then we'll grab him.
No problem.
Oh, you just wanted
to know where I am?
Well, why didn't you say so?
We're gonna get that fleabag.
No, it's just
an expression, Boss.
Uh, Murdoch?
- Would you shut up?
- No...
Wet marks the spot.
No, not you, Boss.
I would never...
Yeah, no problem.
We're on our way.
The boss wants to see us.
You might wanna
change your pants.
Why?
What did you do to me?
No, it wasn't me.
Heh heh heh heh!
Ow!
- Get in the car!
- All right.
I'm really sorry
about yesterday.
Josh and Kevin
are real jerks.
Then why do you
hang out with them?
I don't hang out with them.
Well, not really.
I just don't wanna
make them mad.
Can we talk about
something else?
Oh, yeah, sure.
So I was thinking about
what you said about the sky
and why it looks so blue.
Well, I looked it up online,
and you were right.
But I already knew
you would be.
Well, I've been interested
in science and all that stuff
for a long time already.
Oh, I also learned something
else that's really cool.
Did you know that
moonlight doesn't exist?
It's just sunlight
reflected off the moon,
like a giant mirror.
You don't say.
Mm-hmm.
Well, not like
a mirror-mirror
because it takes sunlight
over eight minutes
just to reach the earth.
So if the sun burned out,
we wouldn't know for
another eight minutes?
Yeah! And then we'd all be dead!
Isn't that cool?
It is! That's the coolest thing
I've ever heard.
Well, I gotta get going.
It was nice
talking to you, Chad.
Who would've thought
she was as big a dork as you?
Shut up. She'll hear you.
Chad, buddy, we might have
a little problem.
Oh, really? Just one?
Yeah. Let's get inside,
and I'll tell you about it.
Why don't you lock that?
What's gotten into you?
While you were striking out
with the homecoming queen,
I happened to overhear those
two plotting to kidnap me.
Kidnap you? No way.
Oh, way. I think it has
something to do
with those chemicals
of yours I drank.
Oh, Abner,
I'm... I'm so sorry.
Ah, don't worry about, kid.
Those morons
couldn't catch a cold.
Besides, there's things out
there a lot more dangerous.
- Trust me.
- I'll bet.
Yeah! Anyone ever threaten
to have you fixed?
That's one word
that sends a shiver
down the bones
of every canine.
- No kidding.
- And besides,
there's this drop-dead
gorgeous Afghan one block over
that I've been dying
to sneak up on.
Really?
I would've never guessed.
The one with the long,
silky hair?
She's on my radar, pal.
She's on it.
Okay, cool your jets, Abner.
All we have to do now is
wait for Mom and Dad
to get home.
Cool. Hey, what's on TV?
Uh-huh.
Afternoon, Mr. Denning.
Ah, gentlemen, gentlemen!
Please sit down, sit down.
Baby, these are
my close associates.
Murdoch, Candi.
Candi, Kane.
Candy cane?
A pleasure, I'm sure.
Do they call you Candi
'cause you're so sweet?
No, silly. They call me Candi
'cause too much of me
will rot your teeth.
Ha!
Can I get you boys
anything to drink?
- Oh, yeah.
- Mickey, two iced teas.
Okay.
Now, as you can imagine,
I am less than thrilled
with your lack of progress.
But then I realize
it's been my own fault.
Boys, accept
my deepest apology.
Of course, Boss,
yeah, sure, anytime.
Yeah, yeah,
we all make mistakes, right?
Right.
You both are like brothers
to me. Truly.
And I want you to succeed,
and I want you to make me proud.
Ohh!
And the reason I believe you
have failed me so miserably
is because I haven't given you
the proper tools to work with.
- Mm.
- Aah! Aah!
So I'm gonna rectify
that situation right now.
Look closely.
Pay particular attention.
This is an electronic
jamming device.
It delivers a microwave burst
that disables all
cell phone signals
within a five-block radius.
Wow. Look at that.
Would you... It's delicate!
Sorry, Boss.
Now, listen.
The only downside,
the effect only lasts
for 30 minutes,
but that should be
ample enough time
to get into the house
and locate me what I desire
because if you don't,
I'm gonna find
two new brothers.
Well, uh, how...
how do we get in?
Be clever... if you can.
Try thinking outside the box.
May I suggest, um,
a little disguise?
Oh! I love disguises!
- You do?
- Yes!
Why don't you impersonate
some kind of servicemen?
Oh! Like pretend
to be soldiers!
No, you numbskull.
He's talking about dressing up
like repairmen.
Exactly.
- See?
- Now...
you both know what to do,
so you should go do it.
And, gentlemen,
thank you for taking time
out of your obviously
very, very busy day.
Of course, Boss, anytime.
Anytime at all.
Uh, pleasure
meeting you, miss.
Likewise, I'm sure.
- Come on!
- Jeez!
We'll see you later, Boss,
So what do you think?
Cowboys and Indians?
I'll be Pocahontas.
Ooh. I'll be Crazy Horse.
Mom says you're not supposed
to be on the couch.
Oh, please. I'm not supposed
to be on the couch?
No one's home.
Who cares?
What are you looking for?
Stupid cable guide.
70 channels and still
nothing worth watching.
Oh, maybe we can get
Animal Channel.
We can even catch
Puppies in Purgatory.
I was hoping to find
The Hound of the Baskervilles.
That one's always good
for a laugh.
There's gotta be
something decent on.
Let me flip through
the channels again.
You just did that. I tell you,
people are so weird.
What do you mean?
You all just do weird things,
that's all.
- Such as?
- Such as ripping a big fart
at the dinner table
and blaming it on the dog.
"The dog did it!"
It's always the dog!
Come on, last Thanksgiving,
everyone knows it was Aunt Ida
clearing the runway.
Yeah, and who is it this time?
Well, okay, that one's on me,
but the exception
proves the rule.
Uh-huh.
Hey, it's The Creature
from Galaxy 7.
Ooh! Leave this one on.
I like it.
There.
- Yeah.
- Good, good.
That's funny.
I wonder why we
lost the signal.
Beats me. I'm gonna
wash down this popcorn
with some nice, cold water.
You going to drink out of
the toilet again, aren't you?
Don't knock it
till you tried it, kid.
Yeah, I'll take your word
for it.
Stop it!
I wonder who that is.
I think I know.
Can I help you?
Uh, cable guys.
We're doing a little
scheduled work
on the lines
in your neighborhood.
Let me ask you,
are you getting a signal?
Well, we were,
but not anymore.
Good!
What's going on?
Cable guys. Some sort of
scheduled maintenance.
Get real.
Cable guys never,
and I mean never show up
when they're scheduled to.
Now that you mention it...
You know what?
Would you just let us come in,
and we can get fix it
right away, real fast.
You'd like that,
wouldn't you, kid?
I sure would.
Stranger danger.
But I can't.
You'll have to wait
till my folks get home.
Can you at least
just sign the work order
so we can reschedule?
I guess so.
Don't let 'em in!
Lock the door!
Lock the door!
Ow!
Please tell me you didn't
just cripple the cable guy.
Why did you do that?
My super Fido senses told me
something fishy was going on.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Those are the two guys
I overheard outside
plotting to do
a little dog-napping.
You mean those two cable guys
were phonies?
Let's find out what's going on.
Follow my voice.
Okay.
Whoops! Sorry.
Look! It's the Two Stooges.
What are they doing?
Sorry, chum,
I can't read lips.
What are we gonna do,
call the cops?
Well, they haven't actually
done anything yet.
I think it's time to do
a little spying.
Let me sneak out the back door,
and I'll check 'em out.
- Let me ask you. What's this?
- I don't know.
That! You know what?
Get over there!
Are you gonna call the boss
and tell him we can't get in?
- Not on your life.
- Right.
I don't want to be one of
the boss's ex-brothers.
Me neither.
Now, let's retrace our steps.
First, we stole
the top secret chemicals
from that government lab.
Right.
Then that kid gets 'em,
and they're gobbled up
by that goofy dog.
Goofy?
Who are you calling goofy?
- What'd you say?
- What?
- Huh?
- Who?
- What?
- Shut up!
I'm thinking third,
we break into the house,
kidnap the dog,
bring him back to the boss
so we can analyze his blood.
Yeah, see, that's the part
I don't like.
I don't like that they
gotta put the dog down
so they can analyze it.
I like dogs.
Yeah, me, too, but who's
gonna tell that to the boss?
You?
Not me.
Hey, look out behind you!
Ohh! Something
just bit my butt!
- It's the dog!
- What?
- Grab him!
- Grab him? Where?
Over here!
- Whoa!
- Over there!
Coming through, boys!
- Stumblebums!
- There he is!
I've always said the paw
is quicker than the eye.
Ahh...
The trouble with you guys is
you're just not dog people.
Watch it, fellas.
You might just step
in something. Hee hee!
Here. Let me give you
a little leg up.
Aah! Aah!
There he is!
Uh-oh!
Chad! Chad! Let me in!
- Come on, come on!
- Quick! Close it!
They almost got you when
you turned visible again.
You think that stuff
is unstable?
Maybe it was never stable
to begin with.
Maybe, but either way,
that was a close call.
I knew something was up
with those guys.
They want to analyze my blood
so they can recreate
the formula.
- Can they really do that?
- I don't know,
but they're prepared
to find out the hard way.
Well, I've had enough of this.
Come on!
Figures.
They cut the phone line.
Phone repairmen?
They're the ones that aren't
smart enough to be cable guys!
Dad keeps a second cell phone
in his bedroom for emergencies.
I'll call the cops.
First, let's split up and lock
all the windows and doors.
You know, Abner,
you're invisible.
You could just slip
right past them and get help,
and no one would blame you
for running away.
Run away and leave you alone?
Ain't happening, pal.
This home is my castle, too.
I can hold them off.
Chad, what kind of family dog
would I be
if I ran out at
the first sign of trouble?
The dog always runs off for help
in the old TV shows.
Yeah, well, that's because
those dogs can't talk.
It's not like little Timmy's
fallen in the well or anything.
All right. I'll take the
upstairs and get Dad's phone.
I'll try to lock
the windows downstairs.
- But you know what, Chad?
- What?
A dog would give everything
he had for a pair of thumbs.
All right,
let's use this gizmo
so the kid
can't call for help.
I remember!
We jam the cell phones. Yeah!
Hey, how does it work again?
- Microwaves.
- Microwaves.
It says here, "Properly ground
yourself before usage. "
Remember the boss
saying anything about that?
Yeah, he said we... And then...
Yeah, I don't remember.
- Ah, whatever. Let's go.
- Let's do it.
Okay, first I'll call the cops,
and then I'll call my dad.
Tell 'em to bring
a female K-9 unit.
Something cute
and not too German.
I'll ask.
All right,
let's give this thing a go.
- Yike!
- Murdoch!
Something wrong?
It says no signal.
That thing about
the grounding?
Yeah?
I don't think
we did that part right.
Nice place
you got up here, Ted.
So close to the beach.
How can you afford it
on what you make?
This is your place, Aunt Ida.
We don't live here with you.
Oh, no, dear,
you can't stay here with me.
No. It's about time you
stood on your own two feet.
Besides, I don't have the room.
Ooh. Seems I've seen
that car before.
Hmm.
Maybe we're being followed.
Well, we'll see you
in a couple weeks, Aunt Ida.
Well, I'll have to check
my schedule.
They keep me very busy here,
you know.
Oh, hello, handsome.
Beach party tonight?
Clothing optional?
It's time for your massage.
Did you call Chad,
see how he's doing?
I called him from the rest stop.
Couldn't get through, though.
You did remember to charge
the battery on the phone?
I think so.
Oh, relax, honey.
Chad's just fine.
He's probably working
on some science experiment.
He's having the time
of his life.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Come on, Abner.
Right behind you, Chad.
We gotta keep those creeps
from getting in here.
From now on, this room is
our command center.
Check.
I will be
the commanding officer,
and you will be
my loyal foot soldier.
Why do you get to be
the commander?
Because I'm older than you.
You're only three years old.
That's 21 in dog years.
Do the math, kid.
All right.
So what's the battle plan?
Better living
through chemistry.
Better for us.
For them, well, not so much.
Well, chemistry really
wasn't my best subject.
Can't we just hit 'em
with a garbage can?
Hey, somebody's barbecuing.
Yeah, it's us.
All right, let's go.
"Burnt to a Cinder" hot sauce
and chili peppers?
Are we trying to disable them
or are we trying to kill them?
Both!
Okay, then.
Cat! Did that sound like a cat?
Sounded like a cat out there.
Meow!
Easy, Abner. There'll be
plenty of time for cats later.
Cat! That's right, go ahead!
Taunt me, thing of evil!
Deep breaths!
Be cool, baby. Be cool.
Welcome to Toy Wonder Shack,
where all your dreams come true.
How can I help you?
Mind if we have a look around?
It's a toy store.
People are supposed
to look around.
Thanks.
Anything unusual happen
last night? Anything at all?
Look, sister,
I may be a 30-year-old man
stuck behind the register
in a toy store,
but in my mind,
I'm on a beach in Cabo.
You know what I mean?
Hey, Jackie,
we got something.
Between the hours of 4:00
and 6:00 last night,
what did you sell?
Let me check yesterday's
card transactions.
Yeah, please.
There you go.
One sale.
Somebody bought
a kid's chemistry set.
We can check that card number.
Give me two minutes.
Yeah, great.
Get on it.
You know what?
I remember now.
Two guys wanted
the same chemistry set,
and they, like,
started fighting over it.
Two grown men
fighting over a toy?
Happens all the time.
- Keep a lookout.
- I am! Don't...
You mind?
Ow! Ah!
God...
Go.
D'oh!
We're gonna use
the element of surprise.
Okay.
You go that way.
Yes.
- Hello, boys.
- What was that?
That is the element
of surprise.
A lot of good
that's gonna do you.
'cause we got the M-17...
this thing!
And it jams your cell phones,
so you can't call for help.
You hear that,
you invisible mutt, huh?
You might as well
just give yourself up
and come along quietly.
Yeah.
Oh, I don't do anything
quietly.
I'll give you a message.
- Cop that.
- Hey!
Hah! I'll give you a leg up!
Eh? How'd you like that?
Spinning!
What's the matter?
Can't pull your own weight?
Stop!
Murdoch!
Oww!
I'm not done with you,
either, yet, hairy face!
He's got me!
Grab him! Grab him!
Oh, no, you don't.
- Where'd it go?
- Miss me? Ha ha ha!
Maybe you two should consider
a career shift.
You know, something that
suits your talents more,
like an entry-level position
at Banquet in a Burrito.
Hey, look, it's the kid.
I can see it's the kid.
I have eyes.
Hey, kid.
We don't want to hurt you.
We just want the dog.
Yeah. Just give him to us,
and we'll leave!
How about I give you these
instead?
You wouldn't want to do that,
would you?
I mean, you're...
We're all in the same room.
That would just be dumb.
Well, I'm a kid, and...
I'm kinda supposed
to do dumb things.
Aah! Smells awful!
It's like a 20 megaton fart!
Isn't it awesome?
Ow, my eyes are burning!
I know!
Aah! I can't see anything!
- Come on, Abner, run!
- Running!
Where is the dog?
Oh, I got him!
I got the dog!
That's me, you idiot!
Now I really wanna
hurt that kid.
You go this way.
I'll go that way.
Right.
Ugh. Eww.
Hello!
Chad?
Anybody home?
Now, ain't this just perfection?
I don't want to make you mad
or anything, Murdoch,
but that ain't the dog.
I know, you idiot.
It ain't even a little boy.
Would you... Shh!
Would you just shut up?
Hey, kid!
Come on out!
Shh!
I got your girlfriend!
We finally got a break.
Yeah. For once I don't mind
facing the director.
Did you tell him
I'm doing a bang-up job?
I did.
- So what'd he say?
- Oh, you know how he is.
He's not exactly effusive
with his praise.
But he's pleased with
my performance, right?
Uh...
Charlie, he said that you are
the most awesome security chief
he's ever known in all of his
years in government service.
Wow. He really said that?
Scout's honor.
I'll go...
I'll go get the car.
Excuse me, sir.
Director.
- Anything?
- Good news, sir.
We traced one of the suspects
to this toy store.
You're sure
about that, Jackie?
We cannot afford to act on
any sort of wild speculation.
No doubt about it, sir.
That's very promising,
but we're running out of time.
Culprits may even be
out of the country by now.
No, sir, I don't think so.
You see, the store clerk,
he remembers two men fighting
over a kid's chemistry set.
Now, it is possible
that our suspect
hid the vials inside the
chemistry set,
intending to come back
and get them later,
but a customer
beats him to it
and unwittingly goes home
with the two formulas.
That's a lot conjecture,
don't you think?
It's all we've got.
But I have an address.
We're headed over there now.
All right, text me the address.
I'll meet you there.
You got it.
And, Jackie?
Yes, sir.
I hope you're not
wasting my time.
Do you see the dog?
He's invisible!
We're looking for the kid!
Who are you guys?
Where's Chad?
That's what we're about
to find out, sweetheart.
You're gonna help us
lure that kid out
and find his rotten dog.
Abner? What does he
have to do with this?
Everything.
Would you shut up?
You, too.
Hey, kid!
We got your little
sweetheart here!
Why don't you come out before
your girlfriend gets hurt?
Actually, we're just
good friends.
Oh, you better hope
he's sweet on you.
Excuse me,
but have you guys ever done
this kind of thing before?
- Yeah. One time I stole gum...
- Would you shut up?
Keep your hands
where I can see 'em, kid.
No more stink bombs.
No funny business.
Sophie, I'm sorry you got
mixed up in all this.
That's okay, Chad.
What is "this" anyway?
Well, it's a long story.
Hey, you guys can
chitchat later.
We got some business
to attend to.
You got something we want,
and we got
something you want.
So you wanna exchange Abner
for Sophie, is that right?
It's that simple.
Uh, where is Abner,
and why do these guys want him?
I'm right here,
sweet potato.
And these two morons want me
because I'm invisible.
Chad, your dog's invisible?
Cool!
You're darn right it's cool.
Too cool for these fools.
And he can talk, too.
This is all very, very weird.
- I know.
- But totally awesome!
Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me.
Do you you two lovebirds
wanna talk about anything else?
- Nope.
- Then shut up!
All right, let's get
down to business.
- Kane.
- Yes?
- Go grab the mutt.
- Okay.
No funny business, kid.
Ya got me?
Now, when Kane grabs the mutt,
then you'll get
your little cutie back.
Go over there!
Whoa. What's that?
Homemade pepper spray.
Chili peppers and hot sauce.
Oh.
Oh, it's very effective!
- Good job.
- Thank you.
- I can't see!
- Come on!
Oww!
Get 'em!
I'm goin'! I'm goin'!
Oww!
Would you...
get off of me?
Stupid!
All right. You go that way,
I'll go this way.
I said that way!
Front door's open.
We better be careful.
What are those?
Infrared heat sensing.
It shows how many people
are in the house.
Sweet.
Okay, Chad,
so what's the plan?
Sorry, Sophie.
There is no plan.
This is our last stand.
That's right.
Your last stand!
Just like you're the Alamo,
and we're the Indians!
There were no Indians
at the Alamo.
Oh, yeah? Who says?
- I do.
- Oh.
Abner, where are you?
I'm over here.
And so am I.
There's at least four.
It looks like trouble.
Hah!
You're all thumbs, mate!
Right in the como se llama!
Didn't see that coming,
did you?
Oh, yeah! I love spare ribs.
Yum yum yum yum yum.
Meow.
Hey, where'd that cat
come from?
Cat? Did someone say cat?
Uh-oh.
- I got him!
- Let me go!
- I got him!
- Abner!
Give me that!
All right, let's go.
Sir, we may have
a hostage situation.
Looks like our suspects
are already inside.
We can't take any chances,
Jackie.
If the suspects are in there,
we need to take them out.
- Really take them out.
- Yes, sir.
We need to recover those
secret formulas at any costs.
What do you got there,
Charlie?
There's enough tranquilizer
in these darts
to knock out
a bull elephant.
That's what
I'm talking about.
Come on. We'll go around
the side of the house,
maybe catch them off guard.
Okay.
Good luck.
Don't even think
about biting me.
Hey. You got ahold
of that mutt?
Yeah, but it's like
wrestling a sack of weasels.
I gotta say, it's been
a pleasure meeting you kids.
If you tell anybody
we were here...
- Ah, let's go.
- All right!
Oh, hey, look who it is.
Oh!
This works great.
Peep.
Great shooting, agents.
How you doin'?
I'm with
the U.S. Government.
Congratulations.
You two are heroes.
These men stole two
top secret government formulas,
and somehow
they wound up here.
You're darned right, they did,
and Abner drank them.
Who's Abner?
Abner is Chad's dog.
And by the way, one of those
formulas tasted like dog poo.
A talking invisible dog.
Makes perfect sense.
It does?
Now, look, I know you guys have
been through a really tough day,
but I'm sure you want to help
your government, right?
Good.
Our scientists must now
recreate the stolen formulas,
and in order to do that,
we must bring Abner in
for a few very simple tests.
I don't want to go.
Does he really have to go?
We should probably cooperate
with the government, Chad.
After all,
they are the good guys.
Thank you for understanding.
It'll be just for a few days,
and then we'll have him
back to you safe and sound...
and visible.
How great will that be?
Okay, Abner, come on, boy.
Oh, all right.
Come on.
Hey! Watch the foot, pal!
Jackie, Charlie,
stay here and secure
those prisoners.
Are you sure, sir?
But what about security?
One of us should stay with you
at all times.
Don't worry,
I'm perfectly capable
of transferring Abner
to the lab myself.
Hey, what's this?
This is the M38-R
signal jamming device.
Only one prototype of this
exists.
And the only one
who had access to it, sir.
Charlie, once again
you're mistaken.
It's the M38-R, all right.
Hey, that's
the phone-jamming device!
They used it to block
our emergency call.
Yeah, they told me
all about it.
They were pretty cocky
about the whole thing, too!
How did they get it?
Stay back, Jackie.
You, too, Charlie.
I'm leaving here with the dog,
and no one's going to stop me.
Hah! Famous last words.
Aah! Aah!
He bit my butt!
Stay back. Stay back!
I'm not kidding!
Stay back.
Allow me.
Hey, hotshot,
what's your hurry?
Ohh! Aah!
Take him, please!
Good work, Abner!
Yeah, get 'em, boy!
This explains a lot,
how the bad guy was able
to sneak into the lab
disguised as
Old Man Jenkins,
and how he knew what to
look for, where to look.
You set this all up,
didn't you, sir?
You even threw your own men
under the bus.
No, they were just
a couple of bumbling idiots.
I had a serious timeline.
I had the buyers lined up
for the formulas.
Now, please, someone
just get this dog off me!
Not until you say Uncle!
Double-crossed
by our own boss.
Of all the lowdown, dirty...
Did you say dirty?
Let me clean him up for you.
Aah! Gross!
Aah! Stop licking me!
Stop! Please!
Aah! Get him off!
Get him off!
Come on!
Good boy!
Aah!
Uncle! Uncle!
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Hey!
Well, how's your day been?
Great. I finished my school
project, and it was a doozy.
What's with him?
I had a little bit
of spare time,
and I decided
to give him a bath.
Oh. Good.
Probably needed it.
Whew!
I'm sure he needed it.
Smells like a stink bomb
went off in here.
Something wrong?
So tell me again.
Why didn't you have to go
with the government guys
to get the lab tests?
Jackie may not be a crook
like her ex-boss, Mr. Denning,
but she's a whole lot smarter.
- How so?
- All she really needed to do
was to take some of my slobber
off Denning's face
and run the tests on that.
Fortunately there was
plenty of it to work with.
Well, you gave him a washing.
He had it coming,
but it's gonna be a lot harder
to get your mom and dad
used to having me around now.
Give 'em time.
I know that bark.
It's my beautiful Afghan cutie.
Wait up, baby!
Here I come!
Oh, no.
Here comes trouble.
Stay close to me
and don't let 'em
know you're here.
Hey, Chad.
Going to school, I see.
You don't want to be late,
do ya?
I'm not afraid of you guys.
Oh, look at the little brainiac.
A tough guy.
Gotta be careful what you say,
brainiac.
Yeah. Real careful.
Ohh!
Aah!
That's right.
Go home to your mamas!
Wow! I saw
the whole thing, Chad!
You just beat the snot
out of those two boys.
Yeah, well, they started it,
and I was just like...
That was totally awesome!
Now they won't try to stop me
from hanging out with you.
Is Abner around?
Well, yeah...
I mean, I thought he was.
Abner?
Right here, pal.
Wait. Where were you?
You missed the whole thing.
Sorry, buddy. I had a little
business to attend to.
- What kind of business?
- Love business.
I made a hot date with that
little Afghan down the street.
Good for you!
Shouldn't you two kids
get going?
You don't want to be late
for school.
He's right, Chad.
Can I walk with you to school?
Uh, yeah, sure,
I mean, if you want to.
I do.
Have fun, you two.
See you around.
Maybe you will.
And maybe you won't.
Gesundheit.
Abner!
Leave that cat alone,
you silly dog!
Hi, Sophie!
Hi, Chad.
So what's going on up there?
Oh, nothing.
Can I walk with you to school?
Sure. Isn't it
your birthday today?
Yeah. You remembered?
Well, you told me yesterday.
Oh.
Well, Happy Birthday.
You picked a great day for it.
The sky is so blue today.
Well, actually,
the sky isn't blue.
It's the way the sunlight looks
in the earth's atmosphere.
Really?
Yeah, I mean, the sunlight
is different waves,
and each wave
is a different color,
and we see blue when
the white light is scattered
by air molecules.
Wow. You really know a lot.
Yeah, well,
we learned it in class.
Well, we're studying
dinosaurs right now.
Yeah. Dinosaurs are so cool.
Chad?
Is anything wrong?
No. Everything is fine. Yes.
You're pretty smart,
aren't you?
Yeah, Chad's
a regular Einstein.
A real brainiac.
He should be teaching science
instead of Mr. Schultz.
Right, Chad?
Hi, Kevin. Hi, Josh.
Hey.
You're dating
the brainiac, Sophie?
We're just talking.
Lay off, Chad.
It's his birthday.
Oh, you hear that, guys?
It's Chad's birthday.
You know what, Chad?
I am so sorry.
Let me guess.
You're 13, right?
That's right.
13's a really unlucky number.
You better be
real careful today.
Sorry about the books, Chad.
Come on, Sophie.
We'll take you to school.
You don't want to be seen
with a dweeb like Chad.
People will start to talk.
One of these days...
Q-96 is stabilized, ma'am.
Good. Put it with
the P-67 prototype.
We've gotta take
good care of these.
You got that right, Jackie.
Schedule the sterilization,
gentlemen.
That means lunch.
You got 35 minutes.
Oh, my God. Look!
It's Old Man Jenkins!
He sure is movin' slow today.
I wonder why they
still keep him around.
He can barely lift
a waste paper basket.
He may not have the muscle,
but he's got seniority.
Don't you mean senility?
Don't be so callous, Ed.
We'll all be old someday.
Speak for yourself.
You're on break, Johnson.
You go in 30, Hayes.
Wow. Guess that old geezer moves
a little faster than we thought.
Hey, check this out.
Is that Jenkins?
Has he lost his mind?
Code red! Code red!
Go, guys, go.
- Where'd he go?
- Don't know!
- Hey!
- Hey! Stop!
Hey! Stop!
Hey, come on!
Get back here!
He's in the east corridor.
I'm coming with you.
Hey, hold it, buddy!
Ow!
Hey!
Come on, let's go!
Oh, right!
Where'd they go?
Probably gonna switch cars.
It was like taking
candy from a baby.
Wh-Where did you
find candy in there?
What?
You said you took
candy from a baby.
I don't understand how
there'd be candy and an infant
inside a government
laboratory.
Would you just shut up
and pull in over there.
Fine.
Man, I was a good Jenkins.
I should've been an actor.
All right, I'll stash the stuff.
You find a new set of wheels.
All right, will do.
They couldn't just have
vanished into thin air.
They're around here somewhere.
Pull over.
Welcome to Toy Wonder Shack,
where all your dreams come true.
- Oh!
- I'm sorry. My bad.
I wasn't watching
where I was going.
Can you help me?
I forgot my son's birthday.
I mean, I forgot it until
my wife reminded me of it
20 minutes ago.
You're the expert.
What does
a 13-year-old boy want?
A 13-year-old girl.
Yeah...
I don't know, mister.
I think it kind of
depends on the kid.
His birthday's now.
Like today.
I have to buy him
the best present ever.
Something really special.
I bet this place goes crazy
at Christmas.
I mean, how often
does a kid turn 13?
Science.
Science! My boy Chad
loves science.
Do you have
any science toys?
Near the back.
Thanks.
Can you go ahead...
Sorry, buddy!
That's my chemistry set.
I think you're mistaken.
I just bought it for my son.
Why don't you
get another one?
I can't. It's the last one
in the store.
Well, I'm sorry,
but this one is mine.
Hey, hey, easy, easy, guys.
This is a toy store.
Hey, you stay out of it,
buddy.
Um... you know what?
I couldn't help but overhear.
You got a kid, right?
Yeah. Today's his birthday,
and I'm running late,
so if you'll excuse me.
Well, uh, buddy, um...
I got a kid, too.
Uh, little Janey.
She's so cute.
- And she loves chemistry.
- Ha.
And...
you don't wanna break a little
girl's heart, now, do you?
No, I... But you can
buy her something else.
You know what? I can't because
she wants this chemistry set.
So...
Look, I don't wanna
have to say this, but...
she's injured.
She crashed a car.
Your little girl
was driving a car?
She was hitchhiking.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
Mm.
Well, best of luck
to you and Janey.
Who?
Your little hitchhiking girl.
Right, right. Um...
Hey, you know what?
You know what I loved
when I was a kid? Money.
Right?
Who didn't love money?
I bet your son would love
some cold, hard cash
for his birthday.
Right? And then he could
buy whatever he wants.
So what'd you pay for that?
What, 20 bucks?
I will give you 50.
What am I sayin'?
How about 100?
- Yeah!
- All right!
How about 150?
Um...
Will you take a check?
No.
Give me that chemistry set!
Um, um...
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Can you giftwrap that for me?
You got it.
Kane. It's me.
Did you get the wheels?
Good. Meet me on
the corner of Third.
Near that place.
All right.
There's nobody in here.
Let's go.
We gotta keep looking.
Come on.
- Where's the stuff?
- Shut up.
Um, hello, Mr. Denning.
Mr. Murdoch! Haven't heard
anything from you today.
I was starting
to get worried.
Yeah, sir, there's been
a little complication.
You do have the vials,
don't you?
Well, there's... it's...
I know where they are.
They're in a toy store.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Let me just say I need
those vials by tomorrow
in order to make
a very important delivery.
I would hate
to be disappointed.
I understand, and I
will not disappoint you.
Make sure that you don't.
So, Murdoch,
we're gonna buy a toy?
Yeah! Yeah, we're getting a toy.
Yeah!
Wanna know what it's called?
A bag o' fist.
You want some?
You're so sensitive.
So what are we doing?
We're waiting.
Oh, right, right!
Waiting for what?
Waiting for this guy
to come out of the store.
We're gonna follow him home
and grab the toy chemistry set
from him.
Cool. So we are getting a toy.
Yeah, yeah.
- I forgot to give you this.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
- What do you got...
There it is!
Now shut up!
There he is. Let's go!
Okay, yeah.
- Seriously?
- Safety first.
- Let's go!
- All right!
Hey, Chad.
How's your birthday so far?
Okay, I guess.
Well, that's good.
What do you say we make dinner
before your mom gets home?
- Okay.
- Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
Yes, sir,
both vials of serum.
Q-96 and P-67 are missing.
The thief knew exactly what
they were looking for and where.
Yes, I do understand.
Oh, Charlie, this is serious.
And I've been cleared to
tell you just how serious.
All right, shoot.
We've been developing
Q-96 and P-67
for international espionage
and infiltration.
The formulas are
multilinguistic intelligence
and concealment enhancers.
What's that in English?
That's all I can tell you.
Value on
the international market?
Priceless.
Have your team here
come up with anything?
No. We've run trace DNA,
fingerprints,
voice recognition.
We got zip.
Can anyone from Washington
be sent down to help us?
The operation's confined
to this team.
Outside of Washington,
we're the only ones
who knows these chemicals
even exist,
and they want us
to keep it that way.
It's a little late for that.
So where do we go from here?
Try to pick up the trail.
Looks like the gang's all here.
We're up against a gang?
Just watch the house.
Hi, honey.
Sorry I'm late.
Work was crazy.
No worries.
Timing is everything.
That sounds good.
My mother always told me
to marry a man who could cook.
I don't know if this actually
qualifies as cooking,
but it is hot,
and there's a lot of it.
So where's our birthday boy?
I don't know. I think he's, uh,
he's around here someplace.
Right on cue.
Hi, Mom.
Happy Birthday!
- How's your day been?
- Better now.
Good. If you've been
playing with that dog,
you better wash your hands
for dinner.
All right, Mom.
Where your Aunt Ida?
Oh, she's in the den,
watching TV.
Judge Joanie?
MMA.
Oh, dear.
I'll go get her.
Do you need any help?
No. I got it all covered.
Hands, young man.
Ed, I have always admired that
lovely rubber tree plant.
Thank you.
It's a ficus tree, Aunt Ida.
Well, of course it is.
Even the dog knows that.
Oh! It has
such a lovely smell.
Kinda like a rainforest.
It's an artificial tree.
Uh, those are my favorite,
Karen.
Sharon. My name is Sharon.
Hey, what'd I tell you
about feeding Abner scraps
from the table?
Oh, let Abner eat.
It's his birthday,
for heaven's sake.
Abner's the dog, Aunt Ida.
Oh, well, you better not let him
near that rubber tree plant.
Ficus!
Gesundheit!
It's time to reconnoiter.
Re-con-what, sir?
We're gonna take a look-see.
Look-see? I don't, uh...
- Just follow me.
- Right.
Hmm.
Well, you certainly have
some lovely neighbors.
Oh, have you seen 'em?
I have now.
You're growing up
so fast, Chad.
I'm a teenager now.
Oh, don't say that!
You are still my baby!
Mom, you're embarrassing me.
Oh, I don't care.
Happy Birthday, Chad!
Well, have you
thought of a wish?
Not yet.
Give me a second.
I have something special
I want to give you
for your birthday, Chad.
Chad?
Chad!
- Oh.
- The candles?
Oh, right.
Happy Birthday, son.
Happy Birthday.
Thanks, Mom.
What's this?
Oh, boy!
Socks?
And new pajamas.
Oh, wow. I mean, great.
When you're older, you'll
appreciate having new clothes.
Dad doesn't.
Well, your father's
a special case,
but I haven't
given up hope on him.
Happy Birthday, Abner.
Uh, thanks.
Hey! I've been
looking for those!
Where'd you find 'em?
Why don't you open the one
that I got for you.
Gee, thanks, Dad.
Svengoolie's Mad Lab
Chemistry Set!
That's totally awesome!
I had to tackle a team of
gomers to get it for you.
I figured
you'd really like it.
A box of dangerous chemicals.
Really, Ned?
What are you thinking?
It's perfectly safe.
If anything, Chad's probably
too old for it.
No, I'm not.
This is awesome!
Can I check it out now?
Sure! I mean...
Sure...
if your mother says
that it's okay.
All right!
We can save
your cake for later.
Gee, thanks, Mom.
Come on, Abner!
A chemistry set?
How do you know he's not
gonna burn the house down?
Oh, it's perfectly fine.
I had one when I was a kid,
right, Aunt Ida?
That's right, George.
And I'm sure
that turned out swell.
Come on, come on.
Come on, boy.
I snuck one more snack
for you.
Whoa. Look at all
this stuff, Abner.
Sulfur.
I bet that's for making
stink bombs.
Wonder what this is.
"C-H-3-C-O-2-H."
Vinegar.
"Q-96."
"P-67."
Never heard of 'em.
What do you think?
We need some instructions.
Oh, here we go.
This isn't helping.
Half of it's in Chinese,
and half of it's in English.
It's all messed up.
I-I mean, I guess
it couldn't hurt.
Okay, Abner, not now.
It's hard enough
reading this
without you breathing
down my neck.
It says it's supposed
to taste like cotton candy.
Well, it's starting to smell
pretty good.
Not exactly
cotton candy, but...
All right, here, smell it.
Whoa! Abner!
You're just supposed
to sniff it.
What's going on in there?
Why don't I get to see?
Because I'm the brains,
and you're the bruin.
Ohh!
Chad, do you want
to cut your cake now?
Uh, that's okay, Mom.
Can I do it later?
I'm kind of busy.
Okay. Just don't blow us all
to smithereens.
Give me a break.
Mom, they wouldn't really
put anything dangerous
in a kid's
chemistry set, right?
Don't be too sure.
Oh. Don't forget.
We're driving your Aunt Ida back
to Fetal Acres in the morning.
Do I have to go?
Yes. We all have to go.
All right, Mom.
Boy, Abner, I sure hope
that was safe to drink.
I mean, it's got to be, right?
I wonder what it says
in the manual.
Can't even make
heads or tails of this.
I can make tails of it.
And you're right.
It is Chinese.
Egg rolls and all.
And this so-called English
translation is very amateurish.
Wait. What?
I would guess Taiwanese.
Yes, definitely Taiwanese.
Abner, you're talking!
Oh, you're quick, kid.
Real quick!
I'm impressed.
Ah!
What? What?
Will you get out of the way?
Aah!
There's no way
this could be happening.
You don't just whip up
a cotton candy formula
out of a dime store
chemistry set
and your dog starts talking.
Obviously. There's a lot more
to this than meets the eye.
Chad, I mean, you're not exactly
a rocket scientist, are you?
- I mean, no offense.
- None taken.
Wait a minute.
See, I hit my head today
when a bully pushed me.
You're not a talking dog.
You're just a whacked-out
hallucination.
Whacked-out? I think
I've just been insulted.
Abner, you are not
a talking dog.
Have it your way.
Mom! Dad!
What's wrong, son?
Poison gas.
I smell poison gas.
Ned, it's that chemistry set.
No! It's Abner.
I smell cotton candy
and vinegar.
My baby.
Are you all right?
Speak to me.
You're crushing me, Mom.
I'm fine.
It's Abner. He...
Oh, son.
It is not uncommon for a dog
to let loose a little gas
every now and then.
That, my friend,
is exactly why we do not
feed him people food
from the table.
That is wicked.
No, it's not gas.
I created this formula,
and Abner drank it,
and now he can talk.
Mmm.
- Abner can talk.
- Oh.
Well, trust me, honey,
the only talking that Abner's
doing is out of his butt.
He can read Chinese, too.
Show him, boy.
Actions speak louder
than words.
No, but he does talk.
Abner, please, just speak.
Speak!
All right, very funny,
young man.
No. Maybe he's just
a little shy.
I've had about enough of this!
One more sound
out of either of you,
and you're grounded.
But, Mom!
Chad, I'm surprised at you, son.
No more jokes.
And no more
science experiments, okay?
We have an early day tomorrow,
and it's time for bed.
Lights out
in 10 minutes, mister.
And open a window,
will ya?
You know, for a minute there
I really thought you could talk.
I really believed
you were smart.
Smart enough to know
when I keep my mouth shut.
You should try it
sometime, Chad.
But why didn't you
say anything to my parents?
Now they think I'm some
sort of practical joker.
Ah, they'll get over it.
You're a kid.
You're expected
to do dumb stuff.
But a talking dog?
No one's expecting that.
- Yeah?
- Yes.
What do you think's gonna
happen to me
if anyone finds out
about this?
I don't know.
You'll get your own
reality TV show?
Worse than that.
They'll take me away for sure.
And you and me would probably
never see each other again.
- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, wow.
So put your smart pants on
and let's agree:
Mum's the word, right?
Right.
Trust me,
you ain't gonna believe
what I just seen.
Try me.
Th-The dog...
He can talk.
Dog?
What dog?
- The boy's dog.
- What boy?
The boy with
the chemistry set.
What chemistry set?
The chemistry set that
I stashed the two vials in
that we stole.
Ah, I see.
Now, did this talking dog
drink any of the formula?
Yes, sir.
All right.
Now, did this talking dog also
drink the other vial as well?
Uh, I don't think so, no.
Good, good, good, good.
So this is
what we're gonna do.
Since one vial
is already gone,
you and Mr. Kane are gonna
kidnap the talking dog
so that we can analyze it
and hopefully recreate
the formula that you two idiots
so foolishly let get away.
Right. All right.
What are we gonna do with the
dog once you're done with it?
Sadly we'll have
to put the dog down
so we can properly
analyze it.
There's just no other way.
You will also acquire
the remaining vial,
and you will bring it to me.
Now, uh...
this boy with the dog,
is he home... alone?
Unfortunately his parents
are around.
All right.
Watch the house
until the parents go out
and then initiate the plan.
Right. What plan?
The plan we just discussed!
Right, of course, Boss.
Yeah, I mean,
he just said the...
I was just thinking
about the dog, you know?
What, are you afraid of dogs?
- Uh, no.
- Good.
Now, fetch!
Right, Boss.
Glad we had this talk.
All right, your turn.
Come on.
There you go!
What'd you do that for?
Your turn to watch the house.
Hey, look, there's some melted
cheese stuck on this.
You're disgusting.
Rise and shine, son.
Remember, we gotta take Aunt Ida
to the home today.
Oh. I just remembered.
I have a science project that's
due first thing Monday morning.
Hmm. And you just now
remembered.
Well, yeah, I guess with all
the birthday excitement,
it must have slipped my mind.
I don't like
the sound of this,
but I'll see if I can
convince your mom
to let you stay home
and work on your project.
Gee, thanks.
Well, you are 13.
I think you're old enough
to take care of yourself,
for a few hours anyway.
Don't forget,
if you need anything,
give us a call.
I sure will, Dad.
And thanks for trusting me.
Oh, and, Dad?
Yeah, son.
Sorry about last night.
You know, the talking dog stuff
and all.
It's okay, Chad.
You're a kid.
You're expected
to do dumb stuff.
That's just what he said.
Who?
Just some guy on TV.
See ya later, champ.
I think you handled that
very well.
I'm proud of you.
Well, what do we do now?
Did you just...
Hey, if you're smart,
you'll let me go outside.
It's been a long night,
you know.
Oh, right, yeah.
Well, come on.
Ooh...
So this is
where they beat us.
Well, maybe
somebody saw them.
We should canvass the area.
All right, but I have to call
the director first.
Okay, but if anybody's asking,
tell 'em I'm doing
a bang-up job, okay?
Good morning, Jackie.
Good morning, sir.
We've located their vehicle.
I think the thieves
probably took off on foot.
Now, we are searching
the immediate area,
but I don't think we're
gonna find them here.
At best, maybe someone
can identify them
or maybe there was
a security camera
that got a clean image
we can use.
I'll call you
as soon as I learn anything.
- You do that.
- Oh, and, sir?
Charlie's doing
a really bang-up job.
No one's asking, Jackie.
Right.
I tell ya, Fred,
you'll never get a girl
driving around in
a crappy-looking car like that.
I already have a girl,
Aunt Ida.
Well, you'll never
get rid of her
driving around in
a crappy-looking car like that.
I call shotgun.
Murdoch. Murdoch.
- Murdoch!
- What? What? What?
You told me to wake you up
when the family left.
Oh.
Good boy, Kane.
Come on.
Tell me again.
Why are we doing this?
Obviously we have something
far more advanced
than your dad
ever bargained for.
We might be wise to discover
exactly what it is.
Well, what if it turns you into
a monster or something?
This is powerful stuff.
It certainly does pack a little
bang for your buck at 29.99.
That's amazing. How do you
know how much it costs?
I have psychic powers.
Wow!
That, and your dad left
the price tag on it.
Oh. Right.
Are you sure
you wanna try this?
Phew!
Smells like the butt
of that Scottish Terrier
down the street.
Is that bad?
Well, not exactly.
Bottom's up.
Not terrible.
How do you feel?
Sorry!
You're excused.
Ooh. My stomach's
a little upset.
I think I'm gonna need
to eat some grass.
I feel like
I'm fading fast, kid.
Abner, you just
turned invisible!
Wha...
Whazza...
- Am I dreaming?
- Can't be.
Would you just shh!
Shh.
Wow! That's some birthday gift
you got there.
This is all starting to get
very, very weird.
Oh, now it's starting
to get weird. Really? Now?
And you're not helping,
either.
Well, what do you
expect me to do?
I don't know.
I need to think.
Well, well, well!
What have we here?
Aah!
Don't touch, you...
- We gotta get outta here.
- Right, let's go.
Come on!
Come on, Chad.
Get this thing off me.
It sure would make me
feel better
if you kept
your dog collar on.
Like that wouldn't attract
any attention.
Relax, kid.
Everything's fine.
All right, but this
makes me very nervous.
Look, I'm not just some
dumb dog anymore, all right?
I'm as smart as you are,
so lay off the...
Oh!
Did someone just say cat?
Gotta go!
Abner, no!
Wait!
Abner! Abner!
Come here!
Abner, you just turned visible
again, then invisible.
How did you do that?
I don't know. I had my mind
on more important things.
Well, do it again.
Yeah, got nothing.
- That was freaky.
- Yeah.
And the cat got away, too.
What's up with that?
First I thought you were
all smart and civilized,
but you're still
chasing after cats.
Cats would be running the world
if it wasn't for guys like me.
You can't ever
let your guard down.
Really? Cats?
Oh, yeah! Cats!
Don't blow it, Chad.
- What?
- Don't blow it.
If those two jerks
Josh and Kevin show up again,
stand up to them.
Don't be such a weenie.
All right.
Hi, Chad.
Hello, Sophie.
How was your birthday?
Great.
What are we gonna tell
the boss?
- It's the boss.
- Yeah.
Hey, Boss, I was just
about to call you.
Um, no, the vial is empty,
and we don't see
the talking dog.
No, he's here, all right.
We just don't... see him.
He's a see-through pooch.
What are you two nimrods
hanging around for?
Yeah, that's right.
The dog drank the other vial,
and then...
he went invisible.
Like in the movies.
No, no, no. We were all set
to kidnap the dog,
but that's when he kinda
went invisible on us.
You two were gonna kidnap me.
You gotta be dreaming.
- You and what army?
- The kid?
He's not gonna be a problem.
And as far as
this mangy mutt,
all we gotta do is find out
exactly where he is,
and then we'll grab him.
No problem.
Oh, you just wanted
to know where I am?
Well, why didn't you say so?
We're gonna get that fleabag.
No, it's just
an expression, Boss.
Uh, Murdoch?
- Would you shut up?
- No...
Wet marks the spot.
No, not you, Boss.
I would never...
Yeah, no problem.
We're on our way.
The boss wants to see us.
You might wanna
change your pants.
Why?
What did you do to me?
No, it wasn't me.
Heh heh heh heh!
Ow!
- Get in the car!
- All right.
I'm really sorry
about yesterday.
Josh and Kevin
are real jerks.
Then why do you
hang out with them?
I don't hang out with them.
Well, not really.
I just don't wanna
make them mad.
Can we talk about
something else?
Oh, yeah, sure.
So I was thinking about
what you said about the sky
and why it looks so blue.
Well, I looked it up online,
and you were right.
But I already knew
you would be.
Well, I've been interested
in science and all that stuff
for a long time already.
Oh, I also learned something
else that's really cool.
Did you know that
moonlight doesn't exist?
It's just sunlight
reflected off the moon,
like a giant mirror.
You don't say.
Mm-hmm.
Well, not like
a mirror-mirror
because it takes sunlight
over eight minutes
just to reach the earth.
So if the sun burned out,
we wouldn't know for
another eight minutes?
Yeah! And then we'd all be dead!
Isn't that cool?
It is! That's the coolest thing
I've ever heard.
Well, I gotta get going.
It was nice
talking to you, Chad.
Who would've thought
she was as big a dork as you?
Shut up. She'll hear you.
Chad, buddy, we might have
a little problem.
Oh, really? Just one?
Yeah. Let's get inside,
and I'll tell you about it.
Why don't you lock that?
What's gotten into you?
While you were striking out
with the homecoming queen,
I happened to overhear those
two plotting to kidnap me.
Kidnap you? No way.
Oh, way. I think it has
something to do
with those chemicals
of yours I drank.
Oh, Abner,
I'm... I'm so sorry.
Ah, don't worry about, kid.
Those morons
couldn't catch a cold.
Besides, there's things out
there a lot more dangerous.
- Trust me.
- I'll bet.
Yeah! Anyone ever threaten
to have you fixed?
That's one word
that sends a shiver
down the bones
of every canine.
- No kidding.
- And besides,
there's this drop-dead
gorgeous Afghan one block over
that I've been dying
to sneak up on.
Really?
I would've never guessed.
The one with the long,
silky hair?
She's on my radar, pal.
She's on it.
Okay, cool your jets, Abner.
All we have to do now is
wait for Mom and Dad
to get home.
Cool. Hey, what's on TV?
Uh-huh.
Afternoon, Mr. Denning.
Ah, gentlemen, gentlemen!
Please sit down, sit down.
Baby, these are
my close associates.
Murdoch, Candi.
Candi, Kane.
Candy cane?
A pleasure, I'm sure.
Do they call you Candi
'cause you're so sweet?
No, silly. They call me Candi
'cause too much of me
will rot your teeth.
Ha!
Can I get you boys
anything to drink?
- Oh, yeah.
- Mickey, two iced teas.
Okay.
Now, as you can imagine,
I am less than thrilled
with your lack of progress.
But then I realize
it's been my own fault.
Boys, accept
my deepest apology.
Of course, Boss,
yeah, sure, anytime.
Yeah, yeah,
we all make mistakes, right?
Right.
You both are like brothers
to me. Truly.
And I want you to succeed,
and I want you to make me proud.
Ohh!
And the reason I believe you
have failed me so miserably
is because I haven't given you
the proper tools to work with.
- Mm.
- Aah! Aah!
So I'm gonna rectify
that situation right now.
Look closely.
Pay particular attention.
This is an electronic
jamming device.
It delivers a microwave burst
that disables all
cell phone signals
within a five-block radius.
Wow. Look at that.
Would you... It's delicate!
Sorry, Boss.
Now, listen.
The only downside,
the effect only lasts
for 30 minutes,
but that should be
ample enough time
to get into the house
and locate me what I desire
because if you don't,
I'm gonna find
two new brothers.
Well, uh, how...
how do we get in?
Be clever... if you can.
Try thinking outside the box.
May I suggest, um,
a little disguise?
Oh! I love disguises!
- You do?
- Yes!
Why don't you impersonate
some kind of servicemen?
Oh! Like pretend
to be soldiers!
No, you numbskull.
He's talking about dressing up
like repairmen.
Exactly.
- See?
- Now...
you both know what to do,
so you should go do it.
And, gentlemen,
thank you for taking time
out of your obviously
very, very busy day.
Of course, Boss, anytime.
Anytime at all.
Uh, pleasure
meeting you, miss.
Likewise, I'm sure.
- Come on!
- Jeez!
We'll see you later, Boss,
So what do you think?
Cowboys and Indians?
I'll be Pocahontas.
Ooh. I'll be Crazy Horse.
Mom says you're not supposed
to be on the couch.
Oh, please. I'm not supposed
to be on the couch?
No one's home.
Who cares?
What are you looking for?
Stupid cable guide.
70 channels and still
nothing worth watching.
Oh, maybe we can get
Animal Channel.
We can even catch
Puppies in Purgatory.
I was hoping to find
The Hound of the Baskervilles.
That one's always good
for a laugh.
There's gotta be
something decent on.
Let me flip through
the channels again.
You just did that. I tell you,
people are so weird.
What do you mean?
You all just do weird things,
that's all.
- Such as?
- Such as ripping a big fart
at the dinner table
and blaming it on the dog.
"The dog did it!"
It's always the dog!
Come on, last Thanksgiving,
everyone knows it was Aunt Ida
clearing the runway.
Yeah, and who is it this time?
Well, okay, that one's on me,
but the exception
proves the rule.
Uh-huh.
Hey, it's The Creature
from Galaxy 7.
Ooh! Leave this one on.
I like it.
There.
- Yeah.
- Good, good.
That's funny.
I wonder why we
lost the signal.
Beats me. I'm gonna
wash down this popcorn
with some nice, cold water.
You going to drink out of
the toilet again, aren't you?
Don't knock it
till you tried it, kid.
Yeah, I'll take your word
for it.
Stop it!
I wonder who that is.
I think I know.
Can I help you?
Uh, cable guys.
We're doing a little
scheduled work
on the lines
in your neighborhood.
Let me ask you,
are you getting a signal?
Well, we were,
but not anymore.
Good!
What's going on?
Cable guys. Some sort of
scheduled maintenance.
Get real.
Cable guys never,
and I mean never show up
when they're scheduled to.
Now that you mention it...
You know what?
Would you just let us come in,
and we can get fix it
right away, real fast.
You'd like that,
wouldn't you, kid?
I sure would.
Stranger danger.
But I can't.
You'll have to wait
till my folks get home.
Can you at least
just sign the work order
so we can reschedule?
I guess so.
Don't let 'em in!
Lock the door!
Lock the door!
Ow!
Please tell me you didn't
just cripple the cable guy.
Why did you do that?
My super Fido senses told me
something fishy was going on.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Those are the two guys
I overheard outside
plotting to do
a little dog-napping.
You mean those two cable guys
were phonies?
Let's find out what's going on.
Follow my voice.
Okay.
Whoops! Sorry.
Look! It's the Two Stooges.
What are they doing?
Sorry, chum,
I can't read lips.
What are we gonna do,
call the cops?
Well, they haven't actually
done anything yet.
I think it's time to do
a little spying.
Let me sneak out the back door,
and I'll check 'em out.
- Let me ask you. What's this?
- I don't know.
That! You know what?
Get over there!
Are you gonna call the boss
and tell him we can't get in?
- Not on your life.
- Right.
I don't want to be one of
the boss's ex-brothers.
Me neither.
Now, let's retrace our steps.
First, we stole
the top secret chemicals
from that government lab.
Right.
Then that kid gets 'em,
and they're gobbled up
by that goofy dog.
Goofy?
Who are you calling goofy?
- What'd you say?
- What?
- Huh?
- Who?
- What?
- Shut up!
I'm thinking third,
we break into the house,
kidnap the dog,
bring him back to the boss
so we can analyze his blood.
Yeah, see, that's the part
I don't like.
I don't like that they
gotta put the dog down
so they can analyze it.
I like dogs.
Yeah, me, too, but who's
gonna tell that to the boss?
You?
Not me.
Hey, look out behind you!
Ohh! Something
just bit my butt!
- It's the dog!
- What?
- Grab him!
- Grab him? Where?
Over here!
- Whoa!
- Over there!
Coming through, boys!
- Stumblebums!
- There he is!
I've always said the paw
is quicker than the eye.
Ahh...
The trouble with you guys is
you're just not dog people.
Watch it, fellas.
You might just step
in something. Hee hee!
Here. Let me give you
a little leg up.
Aah! Aah!
There he is!
Uh-oh!
Chad! Chad! Let me in!
- Come on, come on!
- Quick! Close it!
They almost got you when
you turned visible again.
You think that stuff
is unstable?
Maybe it was never stable
to begin with.
Maybe, but either way,
that was a close call.
I knew something was up
with those guys.
They want to analyze my blood
so they can recreate
the formula.
- Can they really do that?
- I don't know,
but they're prepared
to find out the hard way.
Well, I've had enough of this.
Come on!
Figures.
They cut the phone line.
Phone repairmen?
They're the ones that aren't
smart enough to be cable guys!
Dad keeps a second cell phone
in his bedroom for emergencies.
I'll call the cops.
First, let's split up and lock
all the windows and doors.
You know, Abner,
you're invisible.
You could just slip
right past them and get help,
and no one would blame you
for running away.
Run away and leave you alone?
Ain't happening, pal.
This home is my castle, too.
I can hold them off.
Chad, what kind of family dog
would I be
if I ran out at
the first sign of trouble?
The dog always runs off for help
in the old TV shows.
Yeah, well, that's because
those dogs can't talk.
It's not like little Timmy's
fallen in the well or anything.
All right. I'll take the
upstairs and get Dad's phone.
I'll try to lock
the windows downstairs.
- But you know what, Chad?
- What?
A dog would give everything
he had for a pair of thumbs.
All right,
let's use this gizmo
so the kid
can't call for help.
I remember!
We jam the cell phones. Yeah!
Hey, how does it work again?
- Microwaves.
- Microwaves.
It says here, "Properly ground
yourself before usage. "
Remember the boss
saying anything about that?
Yeah, he said we... And then...
Yeah, I don't remember.
- Ah, whatever. Let's go.
- Let's do it.
Okay, first I'll call the cops,
and then I'll call my dad.
Tell 'em to bring
a female K-9 unit.
Something cute
and not too German.
I'll ask.
All right,
let's give this thing a go.
- Yike!
- Murdoch!
Something wrong?
It says no signal.
That thing about
the grounding?
Yeah?
I don't think
we did that part right.
Nice place
you got up here, Ted.
So close to the beach.
How can you afford it
on what you make?
This is your place, Aunt Ida.
We don't live here with you.
Oh, no, dear,
you can't stay here with me.
No. It's about time you
stood on your own two feet.
Besides, I don't have the room.
Ooh. Seems I've seen
that car before.
Hmm.
Maybe we're being followed.
Well, we'll see you
in a couple weeks, Aunt Ida.
Well, I'll have to check
my schedule.
They keep me very busy here,
you know.
Oh, hello, handsome.
Beach party tonight?
Clothing optional?
It's time for your massage.
Did you call Chad,
see how he's doing?
I called him from the rest stop.
Couldn't get through, though.
You did remember to charge
the battery on the phone?
I think so.
Oh, relax, honey.
Chad's just fine.
He's probably working
on some science experiment.
He's having the time
of his life.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Come on, Abner.
Right behind you, Chad.
We gotta keep those creeps
from getting in here.
From now on, this room is
our command center.
Check.
I will be
the commanding officer,
and you will be
my loyal foot soldier.
Why do you get to be
the commander?
Because I'm older than you.
You're only three years old.
That's 21 in dog years.
Do the math, kid.
All right.
So what's the battle plan?
Better living
through chemistry.
Better for us.
For them, well, not so much.
Well, chemistry really
wasn't my best subject.
Can't we just hit 'em
with a garbage can?
Hey, somebody's barbecuing.
Yeah, it's us.
All right, let's go.
"Burnt to a Cinder" hot sauce
and chili peppers?
Are we trying to disable them
or are we trying to kill them?
Both!
Okay, then.
Cat! Did that sound like a cat?
Sounded like a cat out there.
Meow!
Easy, Abner. There'll be
plenty of time for cats later.
Cat! That's right, go ahead!
Taunt me, thing of evil!
Deep breaths!
Be cool, baby. Be cool.
Welcome to Toy Wonder Shack,
where all your dreams come true.
How can I help you?
Mind if we have a look around?
It's a toy store.
People are supposed
to look around.
Thanks.
Anything unusual happen
last night? Anything at all?
Look, sister,
I may be a 30-year-old man
stuck behind the register
in a toy store,
but in my mind,
I'm on a beach in Cabo.
You know what I mean?
Hey, Jackie,
we got something.
Between the hours of 4:00
and 6:00 last night,
what did you sell?
Let me check yesterday's
card transactions.
Yeah, please.
There you go.
One sale.
Somebody bought
a kid's chemistry set.
We can check that card number.
Give me two minutes.
Yeah, great.
Get on it.
You know what?
I remember now.
Two guys wanted
the same chemistry set,
and they, like,
started fighting over it.
Two grown men
fighting over a toy?
Happens all the time.
- Keep a lookout.
- I am! Don't...
You mind?
Ow! Ah!
God...
Go.
D'oh!
We're gonna use
the element of surprise.
Okay.
You go that way.
Yes.
- Hello, boys.
- What was that?
That is the element
of surprise.
A lot of good
that's gonna do you.
'cause we got the M-17...
this thing!
And it jams your cell phones,
so you can't call for help.
You hear that,
you invisible mutt, huh?
You might as well
just give yourself up
and come along quietly.
Yeah.
Oh, I don't do anything
quietly.
I'll give you a message.
- Cop that.
- Hey!
Hah! I'll give you a leg up!
Eh? How'd you like that?
Spinning!
What's the matter?
Can't pull your own weight?
Stop!
Murdoch!
Oww!
I'm not done with you,
either, yet, hairy face!
He's got me!
Grab him! Grab him!
Oh, no, you don't.
- Where'd it go?
- Miss me? Ha ha ha!
Maybe you two should consider
a career shift.
You know, something that
suits your talents more,
like an entry-level position
at Banquet in a Burrito.
Hey, look, it's the kid.
I can see it's the kid.
I have eyes.
Hey, kid.
We don't want to hurt you.
We just want the dog.
Yeah. Just give him to us,
and we'll leave!
How about I give you these
instead?
You wouldn't want to do that,
would you?
I mean, you're...
We're all in the same room.
That would just be dumb.
Well, I'm a kid, and...
I'm kinda supposed
to do dumb things.
Aah! Smells awful!
It's like a 20 megaton fart!
Isn't it awesome?
Ow, my eyes are burning!
I know!
Aah! I can't see anything!
- Come on, Abner, run!
- Running!
Where is the dog?
Oh, I got him!
I got the dog!
That's me, you idiot!
Now I really wanna
hurt that kid.
You go this way.
I'll go that way.
Right.
Ugh. Eww.
Hello!
Chad?
Anybody home?
Now, ain't this just perfection?
I don't want to make you mad
or anything, Murdoch,
but that ain't the dog.
I know, you idiot.
It ain't even a little boy.
Would you... Shh!
Would you just shut up?
Hey, kid!
Come on out!
Shh!
I got your girlfriend!
We finally got a break.
Yeah. For once I don't mind
facing the director.
Did you tell him
I'm doing a bang-up job?
I did.
- So what'd he say?
- Oh, you know how he is.
He's not exactly effusive
with his praise.
But he's pleased with
my performance, right?
Uh...
Charlie, he said that you are
the most awesome security chief
he's ever known in all of his
years in government service.
Wow. He really said that?
Scout's honor.
I'll go...
I'll go get the car.
Excuse me, sir.
Director.
- Anything?
- Good news, sir.
We traced one of the suspects
to this toy store.
You're sure
about that, Jackie?
We cannot afford to act on
any sort of wild speculation.
No doubt about it, sir.
That's very promising,
but we're running out of time.
Culprits may even be
out of the country by now.
No, sir, I don't think so.
You see, the store clerk,
he remembers two men fighting
over a kid's chemistry set.
Now, it is possible
that our suspect
hid the vials inside the
chemistry set,
intending to come back
and get them later,
but a customer
beats him to it
and unwittingly goes home
with the two formulas.
That's a lot conjecture,
don't you think?
It's all we've got.
But I have an address.
We're headed over there now.
All right, text me the address.
I'll meet you there.
You got it.
And, Jackie?
Yes, sir.
I hope you're not
wasting my time.
Do you see the dog?
He's invisible!
We're looking for the kid!
Who are you guys?
Where's Chad?
That's what we're about
to find out, sweetheart.
You're gonna help us
lure that kid out
and find his rotten dog.
Abner? What does he
have to do with this?
Everything.
Would you shut up?
You, too.
Hey, kid!
We got your little
sweetheart here!
Why don't you come out before
your girlfriend gets hurt?
Actually, we're just
good friends.
Oh, you better hope
he's sweet on you.
Excuse me,
but have you guys ever done
this kind of thing before?
- Yeah. One time I stole gum...
- Would you shut up?
Keep your hands
where I can see 'em, kid.
No more stink bombs.
No funny business.
Sophie, I'm sorry you got
mixed up in all this.
That's okay, Chad.
What is "this" anyway?
Well, it's a long story.
Hey, you guys can
chitchat later.
We got some business
to attend to.
You got something we want,
and we got
something you want.
So you wanna exchange Abner
for Sophie, is that right?
It's that simple.
Uh, where is Abner,
and why do these guys want him?
I'm right here,
sweet potato.
And these two morons want me
because I'm invisible.
Chad, your dog's invisible?
Cool!
You're darn right it's cool.
Too cool for these fools.
And he can talk, too.
This is all very, very weird.
- I know.
- But totally awesome!
Yeah, yeah.
Excuse me.
Do you you two lovebirds
wanna talk about anything else?
- Nope.
- Then shut up!
All right, let's get
down to business.
- Kane.
- Yes?
- Go grab the mutt.
- Okay.
No funny business, kid.
Ya got me?
Now, when Kane grabs the mutt,
then you'll get
your little cutie back.
Go over there!
Whoa. What's that?
Homemade pepper spray.
Chili peppers and hot sauce.
Oh.
Oh, it's very effective!
- Good job.
- Thank you.
- I can't see!
- Come on!
Oww!
Get 'em!
I'm goin'! I'm goin'!
Oww!
Would you...
get off of me?
Stupid!
All right. You go that way,
I'll go this way.
I said that way!
Front door's open.
We better be careful.
What are those?
Infrared heat sensing.
It shows how many people
are in the house.
Sweet.
Okay, Chad,
so what's the plan?
Sorry, Sophie.
There is no plan.
This is our last stand.
That's right.
Your last stand!
Just like you're the Alamo,
and we're the Indians!
There were no Indians
at the Alamo.
Oh, yeah? Who says?
- I do.
- Oh.
Abner, where are you?
I'm over here.
And so am I.
There's at least four.
It looks like trouble.
Hah!
You're all thumbs, mate!
Right in the como se llama!
Didn't see that coming,
did you?
Oh, yeah! I love spare ribs.
Yum yum yum yum yum.
Meow.
Hey, where'd that cat
come from?
Cat? Did someone say cat?
Uh-oh.
- I got him!
- Let me go!
- I got him!
- Abner!
Give me that!
All right, let's go.
Sir, we may have
a hostage situation.
Looks like our suspects
are already inside.
We can't take any chances,
Jackie.
If the suspects are in there,
we need to take them out.
- Really take them out.
- Yes, sir.
We need to recover those
secret formulas at any costs.
What do you got there,
Charlie?
There's enough tranquilizer
in these darts
to knock out
a bull elephant.
That's what
I'm talking about.
Come on. We'll go around
the side of the house,
maybe catch them off guard.
Okay.
Good luck.
Don't even think
about biting me.
Hey. You got ahold
of that mutt?
Yeah, but it's like
wrestling a sack of weasels.
I gotta say, it's been
a pleasure meeting you kids.
If you tell anybody
we were here...
- Ah, let's go.
- All right!
Oh, hey, look who it is.
Oh!
This works great.
Peep.
Great shooting, agents.
How you doin'?
I'm with
the U.S. Government.
Congratulations.
You two are heroes.
These men stole two
top secret government formulas,
and somehow
they wound up here.
You're darned right, they did,
and Abner drank them.
Who's Abner?
Abner is Chad's dog.
And by the way, one of those
formulas tasted like dog poo.
A talking invisible dog.
Makes perfect sense.
It does?
Now, look, I know you guys have
been through a really tough day,
but I'm sure you want to help
your government, right?
Good.
Our scientists must now
recreate the stolen formulas,
and in order to do that,
we must bring Abner in
for a few very simple tests.
I don't want to go.
Does he really have to go?
We should probably cooperate
with the government, Chad.
After all,
they are the good guys.
Thank you for understanding.
It'll be just for a few days,
and then we'll have him
back to you safe and sound...
and visible.
How great will that be?
Okay, Abner, come on, boy.
Oh, all right.
Come on.
Hey! Watch the foot, pal!
Jackie, Charlie,
stay here and secure
those prisoners.
Are you sure, sir?
But what about security?
One of us should stay with you
at all times.
Don't worry,
I'm perfectly capable
of transferring Abner
to the lab myself.
Hey, what's this?
This is the M38-R
signal jamming device.
Only one prototype of this
exists.
And the only one
who had access to it, sir.
Charlie, once again
you're mistaken.
It's the M38-R, all right.
Hey, that's
the phone-jamming device!
They used it to block
our emergency call.
Yeah, they told me
all about it.
They were pretty cocky
about the whole thing, too!
How did they get it?
Stay back, Jackie.
You, too, Charlie.
I'm leaving here with the dog,
and no one's going to stop me.
Hah! Famous last words.
Aah! Aah!
He bit my butt!
Stay back. Stay back!
I'm not kidding!
Stay back.
Allow me.
Hey, hotshot,
what's your hurry?
Ohh! Aah!
Take him, please!
Good work, Abner!
Yeah, get 'em, boy!
This explains a lot,
how the bad guy was able
to sneak into the lab
disguised as
Old Man Jenkins,
and how he knew what to
look for, where to look.
You set this all up,
didn't you, sir?
You even threw your own men
under the bus.
No, they were just
a couple of bumbling idiots.
I had a serious timeline.
I had the buyers lined up
for the formulas.
Now, please, someone
just get this dog off me!
Not until you say Uncle!
Double-crossed
by our own boss.
Of all the lowdown, dirty...
Did you say dirty?
Let me clean him up for you.
Aah! Gross!
Aah! Stop licking me!
Stop! Please!
Aah! Get him off!
Get him off!
Come on!
Good boy!
Aah!
Uncle! Uncle!
Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
Hey!
Well, how's your day been?
Great. I finished my school
project, and it was a doozy.
What's with him?
I had a little bit
of spare time,
and I decided
to give him a bath.
Oh. Good.
Probably needed it.
Whew!
I'm sure he needed it.
Smells like a stink bomb
went off in here.
Something wrong?
So tell me again.
Why didn't you have to go
with the government guys
to get the lab tests?
Jackie may not be a crook
like her ex-boss, Mr. Denning,
but she's a whole lot smarter.
- How so?
- All she really needed to do
was to take some of my slobber
off Denning's face
and run the tests on that.
Fortunately there was
plenty of it to work with.
Well, you gave him a washing.
He had it coming,
but it's gonna be a lot harder
to get your mom and dad
used to having me around now.
Give 'em time.
I know that bark.
It's my beautiful Afghan cutie.
Wait up, baby!
Here I come!
Oh, no.
Here comes trouble.
Stay close to me
and don't let 'em
know you're here.
Hey, Chad.
Going to school, I see.
You don't want to be late,
do ya?
I'm not afraid of you guys.
Oh, look at the little brainiac.
A tough guy.
Gotta be careful what you say,
brainiac.
Yeah. Real careful.
Ohh!
Aah!
That's right.
Go home to your mamas!
Wow! I saw
the whole thing, Chad!
You just beat the snot
out of those two boys.
Yeah, well, they started it,
and I was just like...
That was totally awesome!
Now they won't try to stop me
from hanging out with you.
Is Abner around?
Well, yeah...
I mean, I thought he was.
Abner?
Right here, pal.
Wait. Where were you?
You missed the whole thing.
Sorry, buddy. I had a little
business to attend to.
- What kind of business?
- Love business.
I made a hot date with that
little Afghan down the street.
Good for you!
Shouldn't you two kids
get going?
You don't want to be late
for school.
He's right, Chad.
Can I walk with you to school?
Uh, yeah, sure,
I mean, if you want to.
I do.
Have fun, you two.
See you around.
Maybe you will.
And maybe you won't.
Gesundheit.