Afternoon Delight (2013) Movie Script
1
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Connection.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Phone book.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff work.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Logan school.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Home.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff cell.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff work.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff cell.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff work.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff work.
[MUSIC PLAYING - BOWERBIRDS,
"IN THE YARD"]
-How can I complain?
Women in Darfur, you know, walk
14 miles to get water,
raped on the way.
And on their way home, just
trying to get water back to
the family, raped again, spill
all the water, have to go
back, probably raped
a third time.
I mean, how dare I?
-How dare any of us?
Rachel, do I need to remind you
how much time you spend
giving back?
WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): You know
what, if it's gluten-free and
it is the same, how
could it hurt?
WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Eastside
JCC Moms!
What are we doing?
-Packing lunch for
the homeless!
-OK, I'm gonna post this.
When you get home, be
sure to like it.
OK?
You have to share it
with everybody.
Get your friends to like it.
I'm gonna see you guys
at the auction?
Rachel, I'm talking to you.
-Yep, got it.
-I know, it takes
a lot of time.
-And how are things
with Logan?
Is he good?
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Oh,
Logan is awesome.
-Are you two playing?
I know you said you were having
trouble getting on the
floor with him and
just playing.
So fun just to get on the floor
and just play with him.
-And how's Jeff?
-Yeah, all's well.
-Good, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
Good, good.
Rachel, you don't have to
tell me the truth, but,
uh, it is your time.
You pay for it.
-Still no sex.
Lost count.
Six months.
-I feel like there's a lot of
couples that probably go
through dry spells-
-Not healthy couples, no.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Instead of
just, like, talking about the
fact that we're not having
sex, we use this code.
He asks if he should
put the dog out.
-Hey baby.
-[mumbling].
I gotta sleep.
-Yeah, I know.
I was just, uh, thinking
of putting Bonnet out.
-Um--
-Or you know, I could just
let him stay in here.
If you don't want me to.
-It doesn't matter.
-It doesn't matter
to me either.
-Well, let him stay.
-You sure?
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-OK.
LENORE (OFFSCREEN): Are you
avoiding intercourse?
-Bedtime?
That is the worst time
to have sex.
-Is there a time you'd prefer?
-Oh, like a 3:30, or 4:00
tea time thing.
You know?
Elicit.
Curtains closed, sun
trying to get in.
We meet somewhere.
-May I share something
with you?
When Portia and I met in
1979 at Smith College--
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Does
your shrink tell
you about her life?
-No, because if she did,
I would fire her.
It goes against her, like,
Hippocratic Oath or something.
-Oh my god, Lenore is always
talking about her awful--
-Ugh, Lenore.
--Lesbian partner Portia and
how deep their love is.
-Please fire Lenore.
Ugh.
-I bet they have eyes
open orgasms.
Looking into the eyes of
your partner when he--
[gagging]
-No thank you.
-Oh god, I'm so ready just to
say fuck you to that auction.
I just do not wanna go.
-Oh my god, me neither.
-I'm buying a parking space
for my horrible wife.
No, I'm buying the parking space
for my horrible wife.
Ugh.
Oh, gentleman's club.
-Oh, well, yes, of course,
because they are the most
-Their little nut sack peeking
out, and their tiny little
monocles.
-(POSH ACCENT) Top of the
morning to you, ladies.
Would you mind if I
jacked myself off?
-You ever been to
a strip club?
-Seriously?
-Bo and I have gone to, like,
a million strip clubs.
-Are you serious?
-Yes.
We go there, we get all hot, and
then we bang the shit out
of each other when we get home.
-Should I make a res?
-What's wrong with you?
-Let me guess.
This was Steph's idea.
-No, actually, it was my idea.
I've never done anything
like this before.
It'll be hilarious.
-You've never been
to a strip club?
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): No.
-Strip clubs are sad, and they
make me the opposite of horny.
They make me angry.
-You don't think that looking
at young, hot American tits
are gonna get you horny?
-How do you know
their American?
-They could be--
I don't know.
You're not gonna know what hits
you when you get home.
It's gonna be sexual.
It's gonna be oh so sexual.
-Mm.
-I'm gonna eat you alive.
I'm might--
I might even suck it right off.
-You don't know.
-I do not know.
It's gonna be good.
-I'm gonna make some hot loving
to your-- to your dad
bod.
-Oh, man.
I wanted to bid on the
Cuperbergs' condo in Maui and
now I can't.
-Jeff, you don't wanna
stay at that condo.
It sounds repulsing.
-Yeah I do.
It's in Maui.
-You can't even see the
ocean from that condo.
Why would we stay there?
-Jesus, Rachel, put
on some clothes.
Men wear those on their faces
when they rob banks.
-You press that panic
button, I'm gonna
shoot you in the face.
Bing, bing.
-Did you tell the babysitter
what Logan likes for dinner?
-All right, I'm gonna see if we
have any of that frozen soy
cheese pizza.
-IDs, please.
-Hi.
Are you serious?
-I can't tell with
y'all nowadays.
You know?
-Best night of my life.
-Oh my god, thank you.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
Making my day.
[music playing]
ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
Larissa.
Let's give it up for Larissa.
Come on up.
[music playing]
-How old are you?
-I'm 19.
-Oh my god, that's young.
[music playing]
-I had a baby.
-That's OK.
[music playing]
-Hey baby.
-I'm gonna put Bonnet out, OK?
-OK.
-No, of course we should.
That's why we're--
Hold on a minute.
-Wha?
What are you doing?
[vomiting]
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
I am so sorry!
-That's OK.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Honey,
I'm so sorry.
-It's OK.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): I know
this was the night.
-It's OK.
Did you do it to each other
last night, or what?
-I was puking and
Jeff was tired.
-Oh my god, you are gay
and Jeff was gay.
-OK, he might've tried
to shove it in there.
I couldn't tell you.
Does Bo ever just fold
it and mush it in?
-Oh my god, like a
soft response?
Just sneak it in there?
-Oh god, Jennie.
-Hey.
-Oh, I'm so sorry, my
sister had a thing.
-Yeah, mine did too.
-So weird.
-Hey you.
-Matt bought me the
parking space.
-Of course he did.
-Oh.
-Yeah, I'll do it.
-I do.
-Wait, where are you going?
-I booked a massage.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Previous
destination.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Sam's Hofbrau.
[music playing]
-Uh, just one Americano,
please.
-What's your name?
-Um, Sophia.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
BARISTA (OFFSCREEN): Sophia?
Thank you.
Oh, hi.
Do I look familiar to you?
You gave me a lap dance
last weekend.
-Yeah, I remember.
-Yeah, you came in with
your husband, right?
-Yeah.
That's cool, I like that.
-Yeah, you guys live downtown?
-No, I like in Silver Lake.
-Awesome.
-Yeah.
Um, I follow this truck on
Twitter, which is how I
happened to find this
truck today.
Because they tweet.
-Yeah they do.
Just my nom de coffee,
if you will.
-Oh.
-I'm Rachel.
-I'm McKenna.
It's nice to meet you.
-When I got out of
college, I, uh--
I majored in journalism, but I
kinda couldn't get my shit
together, so I ended up working
at this PR firm
writing press releases about
Calista Flockhart's buttery
choc highlights.
-Guys, who wants to try the new
bar method place with me?
-Oh, is that open?
-Yeah, me I do.
-I got a Groupon.
Let's use it.
-Uh, I can.
What are you doing?
-Uh, oil change.
-So you know when you text
somebody an emoticon?
-So, this is just like that,
except you're-- you're texting
a tiny picture of your face.
It's called an e-me-ticon.
-E-me-ticon.
Yeah, I just bought that.
-Oh, that was Jeff.
He's been trying to get
something to hit.
And now he's never not working,
and I'm, you know,
just online.
-I had this one picture
of him growing up.
He was in this weird maroon
sweatshirt and
had these crazy sideburns.
My mom told me that he had a
genius IQ, so that's why she
picked him, because
it was good genes.
But then one night, she got
really drunk and she told me
that was actually just a random
photo and she had no
idea who got her pregnant.
-Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
You know, it's--
He's like a mystery to me.
I get to imagine
what he's like.
I think he's like Axl Rose.
[giggling]
-Oh my god.
You just snorted.
-Yeah, it's not cute
in any way.
-It's so cute.
-No, way too old
for the snort.
-No, it's cute.
-You know what?
I will have a cigarette.
-OK.
-Why not?
-My lighter.
Went out.
Come here.
Ready?
-Yeah.
-Oh, put your hand up.
Yeah.
-I remember why people
do this.
-Sophia?
-Yeah.
[car alarm ringing]
-Hey!
Wait!
-McKenna!
Are you OK?
-Sorry.
-Help me?
-Yes.
-Just fucking wait.
This guy won't listen to me.
-Do you have a key?
My entire life is in this car.
-That's my car, man!
Hey, hey!
What the fuck, McKenna?
What happened?
-Look, Walter.
-Hey.
-There's apparently 35 fucking
tickets on this thing!
-Wait.
-I could've been
arrested, man.
-No, there was 10
tickets, tops.
-Asshole!
-No, hey!
-No!
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, my man!
Yo, yo don't!
No, don't.
Fuck!
God!
You dumb bitch!
-Did you get your stuff?
-Yeah.
-Sir.
Sir, excuse me.
-With all due respect, if the
car had tickets on it, and
it's your car, then I feel
you're the responsible one.
-Who the fuck are you?
-Hey.
That's my aunt Sophia.
So be cool, man.
-What the fuck are you gonna
do with all your shit?
OK, OK.
Just walk away.
We get it.
We get it.
WALTER (OFFSCREEN): Don't
fucking move.
-So.
So you just put your
stuff, um--
This is where you're going
to be staying.
First floor there's
a bed where we--
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Used to be
the maid's room, but we don't
have--
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Yeah,
welcome, welcome.
Make yourself at home.
-Oh, wow.
Hey.
Who is this guy?
Hey, buddy.
-That's Bonnet.
-Hi cutie fruity patootie.
That is the best name
ever for a pup.
-Let me show you--
Let me show you your digs.
Oh man.
Let's get some fresh
air in this room!
Oh.
Sorry.
Yeah, this used to be
our live in's room.
I know it's stupid to think that
we'd need a housekeeper.
I don't even have a job.
But, you know, she
was a godsend.
Because when I got pregnant
with Logan, you know, I
thought, I'm not gonna
have a baby nurse.
I'm not gonna need any of that.
You know, I'm gonna-
I'm a mother.
My body is built for this.
And then came home, milk
didn't come in.
Tried and tried to nurse,
couldn't latch on.
Apparently my nipples
are too small.
So, he wouldn't stop crying for
anybody except for Luce.
And she's just so calm
that she just--
Ugh.
When Logan got into school, we
had to let her go, you know?
And then we maybe thought for
a minute we were gonna have
another kid, and then we-- or it
was gonna be an office for
me, or--
-I like this color.
This room would look really
good in this color.
Do you ice skate?
-Oh, these?
Well, you know.
For a hot New York minute.
Got my--
My skate on.
-My mom always told me that I
should surround myself with
good people if I want good
things to happen.
I'm 55 days sober, so good
people are really important.
-Oh my god.
McKenna, that's amazing.
Congratulations.
Wow.
-My mom's a witch.
The Wiccan kind of
witch, you know?
Sometimes I think I
might be one too.
Is that my bathroom?
D-d--
Do you need clean towels?
We have company.
-Go, go, go, go, go.
I'm listening.
-We have company.
-Who's here?
-Have you ever heard of the
Espresso Yourself truck?
-The coffee they make, Jeff,
is like you cannot believe.
You know when people just
make one thing right?
It's great.
-It's obsession worthy.
-OK.
-So, I started--
I started to follow the
truck on Twitter.
-I thought you hated Twitter.
-I don't hate Twitter, Jeff.
I'm not--
I lurk on Twitter.
-You're a lurker.
-Just not a Tweeter.
So, a few weeks ago, the truck
was parked right across the
street from Sam's.
Wait, let me get you--
Let me get you some--
-Sam who?
-Uh, Hofbrau.
Sam's Hofbrau.
That was the strip bar, or like,
you know, topless place
or whatever that we went to.
Oh, you need cutlery.
Anyway--
who would've thunk it--
ran into McKenna.
-I don't know who McKenna is.
-Oh, she, um--
She's the dancer that--
She's the dancer that gave me
that private thingy when we
were there.
-You mean the stripper?
-OK, sure.
The stripper, is in
the maid's room.
-The stripper's in
the maid's room.
-Yeah.
-How did the stripper get
in the maid's room?
-I put her there.
So, I kept going back to the
Espresso Yourself truck, and
every time I would go there, I
kept running into McKenna.
So we just started talking.
Anyway, she was, like, between
apartments, her car was
getting towed.
She had nowhere to stay tonight,
and you know all the
work that I do for the homeless
at the J, and, you
know, I thought, here's--
OK, Here's actual homelessness
right in front of me.
-So you invited her to
stay here in our
house with our child?
-Just for like a-- two nights.
Like, one night maybe.
You won't even notice
she's here, Jeff.
JEFF (OFFSCREEN): (WHISPERING)
I don't wanna
meet her right now.
I think we should just--
-Shut up.
Just a few days.
OK, we gotta keep quiet.
I love you.
-Morning.
-Uh, hey.
Hey.
-I remember you.
You guys were, like, the
cutest couple ever.
-Oh, thank you.
We work at it.
Actually, we don't.
Do you want some coffee?
-Um, do you have tea?
-Yeah.
-Oh, wow, look at
this, a tea box.
-We're sort of-- sort of
hooked up that way.
-Yeah.
I'll take a chai spice.
-Yeah, why not?
I have to say, that was, like,
the best sleep I've had in
five years.
Not joking.
Hollywood is so noisy.
-Yeah, sometimes I find the
birds in this neighborhood can
be rather cacophonous.
You know, loud and chirpy.
-Rachel told me that
you invent apps.
-She wasn't lying.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN):
I love apps.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.
-Yeah?
-You like your job?
-Um, I used to.
I recently sold the, or
got bought, merged.
There are any number of ways to
describe what actually went
down with Happy Farm.
Logan, hey.
-Buddy, this is McKenna.
She's, um, uh, a friend
of your mom's.
I've heard a lot about you.
-Yeah?
I love your monkey backpack.
-I asked for an elephant.
-Well, talk to your mom.
-I did.
-We're gonna get you hooked up
with breakfast real quick, Mr.
Man, because we are running
a little late.
-OK.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Hey.
-Hi.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
Uh, good morning.
Logan, you met my
friend McKenna?
-Yeah.
McKenna, Jeff.
You got it.
-Great.
How did you--
How did you sleep?
-Really, really good.
-Oh good.
Oh good, you--
Good.
-Quiet in here.
-Yeah.
So, um, uh, you can take
Logan to school today?
Jeff, I just want to make
sure that McKenna is--
-Got it, I am on it.
--taken care of.
-Thank you.
-OK, great.
You need milk.
-OK.
OK, she looks like a completely
different person,
-I know.
-She looks like a college
kid or something.
-Right?
Dancing is just her job.
A job does not define
who you are.
-Right.
-I really think I
can help her.
She had a really
difficult life.
-Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy.
OK, all right.
I'm shaking it out.
There's a stripper in my pool.
No big.
-OK.
Oh, that's a nice looking one.
-Yeah, is that OK?
What do strippers like?
-Not that, because she's sober.
-Oh.
Good for her.
-Imagine that you're
cleaning out a rim.
-OK?
-Cleaning out a rim.
It's a big rim.
It's more like a
trash can size.
-OK.
-Oh, like a garbage can rim.
-Her shame is trapped there.
We gotta get that exercised.
Be gentle with it.
-Shame.
-Stephanie!
-I really got this.
-Stephanie!
-You're waking up
in the morning.
-Should we give her a pole?
-You want--
-Oh shit.
-Yeah.
-Body.
-No, you guys.
-Those are the guys that come
in and they're like, lap
dance, lap dance, lap
dance, every night.
And they always have their
favorite girls.
And they're the ones that tell
you things like, oh baby, I'm
gonna be the one that gets
to see you for real.
I'm gonna help get you
down off of this
pole, blah, blah, blah.
We call them Captain Save-a-Ho.
-Captain Save-a-Ho,
that's hilarious.
-Yeah, I made $6,000
of one once.
-Wait, 6,000 just for dancing?
-Well, some girls dance
just to dance, right?
But I like to use the club for
networking, meeting people,
building relationships.
I'm not the kind of girl who's
gonna tell you that she'll
strip but she won't get naked,
or she'll give you a lap dance
but she won't touch you, or
she'll touch you, but she
won't give you oral.
I'm pretty much down
for anything.
Full service sex worker.
-Um, what--
What is a sex worker?
This one guy Warren, I mean,
he pays via Paypal.
It's awesome.
There's no cash exchange.
It's very clean.
And then there's this Jack, and
he's been my regular on
Tuesdays for like
a million years.
I love him like a brother.
He's your kind of run
of the mill, typical
vanilla kinky guy.
He's into some weird shit.
He sometimes likes
a girl to watch.
You should come, Rachel.
-Yes, you should.
You really should.
I'll take Logan to soccer
so you can go.
-Thank you, that would
be a huge help.
Sorry.
I'm gonna ruing a perfectly
good blow out.
Hey Captain Save-a-Ho.
She's a hooker.
-Sh, it's OK.
-No, it's not OK.
-Yeah it is.
-Is that a nursing bra?
-Oh, yeah.
-Logan's five.
Throw it the fuck out.
-You didn't know about
that part, right?
The friends I see sometimes?
-You were right about that.
-You still want me to
stay at the house?
-If you want out of that
life, I can help you.
-I mean, I've saved first
and last month's rent.
I could give that to you.
And I could help take
care of Logan.
-Exactly, but no money.
-I'd feel weird taking
something from you.
If you think that I
can help you, I
promise, you're not taking.
-It's inappropriate.
-Aren't you supposed to
be non-judgmental?
I'm supposed to be clear mirror,
baccarat crystal.
Excuse me, I have to
eat something.
I was recently diagnosed with
perimenopausal low blood sugar.
I brought quinoa from home.
-She just seems way too young
and, I don't know, healthy to
be spending her time having
sex for money.
-Isn't that her choice?
May I share something?
When Portia was in
graduate school--
-No, Lenore, I don't wanna
hear about Portia.
I think that's inappropriate.
-I don't know why I wanna
take care of McKenna.
I mean, what if I listen to you
and I'm like, oh, Lenore
says it's inappropriate, so I
guess it's inappropriate.
So I go home and I'm like,
sorry, McKenna.
Turns out, this is
inappropriate.
So, out she goes, back on the
street, robbed of her one
opportunity she had
to finally escape
from being a sex worker.
-What's a sex worker?
-That's what she calls it.
-She's a prostitute.
-That is such an awful word.
-It's a highly accurate
word, Rachel.
-I think I need a break
from therapy.
-Well, I think that's
ill advised.
Just last week, you were
complaining about how you and
Jeff are no longer making love.
I mean, if you wanna
choose words, let's
just call it not fucking.
-I think you should start
coming in twice a week.
-Mwah.
-Bye.
Oh, hey.
Uh, this is, uh--
This is, um, Amanda
and Meredith.
-Nice to meet you.
-Bye.
-Stephanie.
-Oh, McKenna.
Oh my gosh.
You're still here.
-Yeah, uh, um, I'm teaching her
about drop offs in case
she has to do a drop off.
Well, I'll see you guys soon.
-OK, bye.
-If it's a Monday, you wanna
bring his math stuff with
you--
-And if it's a Friday,
you wanna--
Did you ever get my sign up
paper for Craftacular?
-Oh.
-Because I didn't
see your name.
-I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I forgot.
-Hi.
Who's this?
-Oh, uh, this is Logan's
new nanny.
This is McKenna.
-McKenna, this is Jennie.
-Oh, nice to meet you.
-Wow, you been thinking about
going back to work Rach?
-Yeah, thinking about
thinking about it.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): Great.
Where you from?
-I'm from Chico in Northern
California.
-Yeah, I found her through
an agency.
-Well, careful, because I am
known to steal nannies.
I am a nanny stealer.
Hey.
Do you wanna--
Do you wanna captain a table
at Craftacular, McKenna?
It's, like, a lot of kids doing
crafts, raising money
for Jewish women with cancer.
-Jennie, I am so sorry, but I
gotta show McKenna where the
dry cleaners is.
It was nice to meet you.
-I'll register.
I promise.
Just like another week, until
she gets on her feet.
What exactly do you intend
to do for her?
-Help her tell her story.
Maybe I can help her
set up a blog.
She and I could co-blog.
-You wanna--
You wanna blog with her?
A lot of good things have
come from blogging.
-Name one good thing that's
come from blogging.
-OK, that crunchy kale
salad that I made.
That was from someone's blog.
Blogging's amazing.
-So, and we are recording.
OK.
So, we are not sure what this is
going to be yet, if this is
gonna be a blog, a co-blog,
article, podcast.
We're going to just--
Who knows?
Keep it loose.
Right now we're just
gonna have a--
just a-- just going to call--
call it a conversation.
-Yeah.
-OK.
You are a sex worker.
-Yes.
I'm a sex worker.
-And you have been, uh, working
in sex for how long?
-Two years.
I started when I was 20.
-You told me you were 19.
I tell all my customers that.
It's like, a barely
legal thing.
It turns them on.
-What does it mean to see other
people as customers?
-Doctors have customers,
psychiatrists have customers,
people that work in stores
have customers.
A lot of people in this
world have customers.
-What if those customers
had wives?
-So?
-You didn't feel a sense
of responsibility or--
-No.
-Sisterliness?
-No.
-Compassion?
-Yeah, I feel compassion for a
world where men have a way
higher sex drive, and it's a
proven fact, and their wives
lose interest in having
sex with term.
Yeah, I feel compassion
for that.
-Oh my god.
-Thank you for coming home.
-Thank you for calling
me home.
This is not at all what I had
scheduled for my afternoon.
-Hey.
-What?
-Open your eyes.
-What?
-Do me a favor.
Open your eyes.
Hey.
Hi.
-You wanna try having
an eyes open orgasm?
Yeah?
Like this?
-There you are.
-Hey, hello, how are you?
-Hey, long time.
You know what?
Close them.
-I'm sorry.
Just keep them closed.
-Do what you gotta do.
-Sorry.
-Oh, I'm good.
-Yeah.
-I can get back in there.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-No?
-Takes a second to get
back on the bus.
-Yep.
-Been a while.
Glad we did it though, so.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Nice work.
-Right.
-Um, so, I can when I get back
later tonight from work.
Yeah?
-Um, actually, I'm gonna be
much later than I thought.
-No worries.
-Because I had to reschedule
this conference
call and I have to--
[phone vibrating]
-Hold on.
Someone's calling me right now.
Hello?
Yeah, hey.
This is Jeff.
If they're still on the call, I
need you to patch me through
right away.
--We're running late, honey.
-My legs are stuck.
-Logan.
Logan, you have to help me.
-Flex your legs.
Let go.
[knocking]
-Mhmm.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Hi.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Jeff
said that you were sick.
-Oh, I feel Shit City.
I'm all right, I think.
-You know your body's
not gonna heal
if you mind's tweaking.
-I'm not--
No, wait, I--
McKenna, I have to reach out.
I have to reach out to hot dog
vendors for this Craftacular
or Jennie is going to kill me.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN):
Do you have any of
that menthol rub stuff?
Do you know what I'm
talking about?
-McKenna, I'm fine.
-Ah, ah, ah.
You do have it.
-McKenna, I don't
need anything.
-Do you have a sock?
-Can I use these?
-I mean, those are gross.
I don't know what you're even.
-Smells fine.
-You don't have to do anything.
-OK.
-I don't even--
-Give me your foot.
-Again, honey.
Please, I am total--
-Put it down.
-I am fine.
Lay down.
-Lady.
I am fine.
-OK?
Just pause.
OK.
My grandma used to do this
to me and my cousins
when we were sick.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Grandma.
-Yeah.
Grandma Ninny.
-Did you say Ninny?
-Mhmm.
My mom's mom.
I lived with her a lot.
You have to keep
your feet warm.
-You do not have to do this.
-Makes me happy.
I can feel in your feet
where you're blocked.
In your right hip.
We'll just shake it out.
OK.
Just shake it out a little.
Oh yeah, it's really
right in here.
[whispers]
OK.
Can I open this?
-Um.
I'm not wearing a bra.
-Just breathe.
[heavy breathing]
[heavy breathing]
-Hey, cute dress.
-Thanks.
-You look so pretty.
Where you going?
-Do you really wanna know?
-Of course.
-I'm going to play with Jack.
-Oh, is that the--
Is that the Paypal
one, or the--
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): No,
he's the other one.
-Oh, the nice one.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Mhmm.
-Oh, good.
OK.
Are you sure you wanna go?
-Yeah, my mom called.
Um, she's getting evicted, so I
need to make her some cash.
-But I mean, if you--
I you want me to pay you
instead of the room.
I make $250 an hour.
-OK, well I know you're not
asking for my permission, so.
OK, bye.
-Bye.
-See ya.
Do you need a ride?
OK.
OK.
Are you sure you don't
need a ride home?
He always calls me a cab.
-Oh.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN):
Thank you.
Bye.
-Bye.
-Hi Willy.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Are
you kicking the table?
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN): Mhmm.
-Stop.
It's rude.
Thank you.
The road to dessert is paved
with chicken, sir.
-That's right.
I really want dessert.
-And you're gonna get some.
-Stop kicking the the table.
-The road to dessert is
also paved with beef.
Come on.
[door opening]
-There she is.
-McKenna, you hungry?
Plenty of food.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN):
Uh, no thanks.
I'm gonna go straight to bed.
Good night!
-OK, sleep tight.
-Finally.
Oh my god, wow.
Look at you.
You look unbelievable.
-Hey baby.
Look what you did.
I'm proud.
-You did so good.
-Wow.
I'm so proud of you.
-Take it easy Horn
Dog McCrosby.
Look, Rachel's got
her boobies out.
-What the what, Rachel?
-Come over here.
Make a little Matty sandwich.
-OK.
-Hold on.
Everybody.
-All right, we gotta go.
-All right, where's
your mansicle?
-Uh, you mean Jeff?
He's over there.
-Sup Jeff Boyardee?
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): This way.
This way.
Excuse me.
-Yeah?
-Don't freak out.
OK.
Get a bracelet on this one.
-Oh, yep.
-And, uh, I don't mean to be
unkind, you guys, but I sweat,
if I see anybody walking around
without a bracelet, I'm
gonna shit myself.
-Yeah, I--
I'm really sorry about what
happened last year.
-No, don't even worry
about it, because
Actually, that was completely
your fault, but I'm
totally over it.
All right, I want you here with
Amanda, and just figure
out between the two of you
who's gonna do bracelets,
who's gonna take credit cards.
-Uh, I'm--
I'm doing hot dogs
with Stephanie.
-Oh, honey, all due respect, you
kinda dropped the ball on
the hot dogs, so I
gave it to Alisa.
Sorry, I--
I need to borrow my husband
for one second.
I'm so sorry.
-What?
-You're leaving?
-Yeah.
-Because that's how it works.
The women tell the men where to
set up the folding table,
and the men set up the folding
table so men are free to go.
-That's gross.
-Just hang with Steph, OK?
Talk shit about the moms.
You guys'll have fun.
-I'm off of hot dogs.
-You don't get to make fun
of me and go surfing.
I'm with fucking kosher Amanda.
This is fucking kosher Amanda's
face all the time.
-You're right.
That is her face.
-Yeah.
-That's her resting face.
That is her face.
-This is her baseline.
-I wanna see how it feels.
Huh, this is how it feels
to be kosher Amanda.
-Mm-mm.
-All right, I'm going surfing.
-I can't believe you're
leaving me.
-Bye.
It's not fair, Jeff.
-Seriously, I'm--
I'm doing it.
Whoa.
Last night, we're going crazy.
MAN (OFFSCREEN): Go, go go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
-Can Logan go home with Owen?
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN):
Well, yeah.
-I know, I'm sorry you guys.
-Of course, I hope
you feel better.
-Awful cramps.
OK.
MAN (OFFSCREEN):
Paddle, paddle,
paddle, paddle, paddle.
MAN (OFFSCREEN):
Hop up, hop up!
MAN (OFFSCREEN): [inaudible]!
-Jefferey!
Super stud!
Yeah yeah!
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): McKenna?
-Going to Jack's?
-Yeah.
-I'm coming with you.
-Can I check those?
-Why is that weird?
-How come no one
believes in us?
-I believe in us.
-If we don't believe in us,
who's gonna believe in us?
-Yeah, come on, Craig.
-Is that the name of our band?
We Believe in Us?
-How about just Dadz,
with a Z on the end.
Surf Godz with a Z.
I don't care Want.
I just want a Z to be
somewhere in the
title of the band name.
[croaking]
-Oh, I need a new name.
-Oh, yeah.
-Right?
-Mhmm.
-Sophia?
-Again?
Oh my god.
Cassidy?
-No.
-Ariel?
-No.
-Samantha?
Um, Shelly?
-Maybe.
-Shelly.
[knocking]
MAN (OFFSCREEN): Coming.
Hey, baby.
-Hi.
-Hey.
-How are you?
-Good, how are you?
-I'm really good.
And, uh, this is my friend.
-Savannah.
-Savannah.
-Hi Savannah.
-Hi.
-Can I take your coat?
-Oh, please.
Uh, thank you.
-Wow.
You're beautiful.
May I get you a drink.
-Uh, yes, thank you.
-Scotch.
-Yes.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
Savannah, there's no pressure.
McKenna told me you wanted to,
um, share the experience, and
I, uh, I really admire that.
-Oh, thank you.
-I'd really love for
you to just watch.
-Great, that's what I'll--
That's what I'll do.
-Totally get me off.
Um.
And, if, at any time, you feel
uncomfortable, then you just
come on out here and, you know,
sit down and chill.
-So, this won't be happening
in this space, then?
It's gonna be somewhere else?
Or is-- is it thi--
Is this where it happens?
-She's cute.
You told me she's cute,
but she's cute.
You're cute.
No.
It happens in the bedroom.
-Ah, of course.
-May I show you the bedroom?
-Oh, you don't have to.
I mean--
whatever you guys normally--
You know.
Whatever.
You know.
you go--
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Why don't
you just come sit down?
-She's sweet.
Give some of this
to your friend.
-Thank you.
JACK (OFFSCREEN): I think
it's time for bedroom.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Let's go.
JACK (OFFSCREEN): Come
on, let's go.
-OK.
You ready, Savannah?
-Yeah.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN):
OK, let's go.
-Get me hard.
-I will.
I will.
You know that I will.
-Sitting on this
chaise lounge.
Beautiful.
JACK (OFFSCREEN): Oh yeah.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Mm.
-Oh, I'm sorry, one
more question.
Sorry, I didn't mean to put
a damper on anything.
-You're not.
-OK, good.
I just was, uh, wondering
how long these
sessions usually last.
-Uh, like about an
hour, right Jack?
-Yeah, about an hour.
-Oh, well great.
Good.
Don't have to make
a phone call.
So, I'm good.
Great.
Wonderful.
Go about your business.
I'll shut up now.
-Oh yeah.
Can you see, Savannah?
Yes, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
-Yeah?
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Oh my god,
you're getting so hard.
-Fuck yeah, I am getting--
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Baby!
-Are you sure you
can see, honey?
-Mm-hm.
-Oh yeah, that's it.
I want you to see me.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): I do.
-I don't think you can.
[laughing]
JACK (OFFSCREEN):
Come to daddy.
-I'm coming!
Hey.
JACK (OFFSCREEN): Oh yeah.
-Yeah?
-Look at this, Savannah.
Take it in.
[moaning]
-Savannah, can you
take my hand?
Come here.
[moaning]
[moaning]
-Oh, yeah.
[moaning]
[moaning]
-Are you OK?
-Yeah.
I think we should go.
-Well, let me give
you your cash.
-No, I don't want it.
JEFF (OFFSCREEN): Babe?
-Yeah?
JEFF (OFFSCREEN): Hey.
Guess what?
JEFF (OFFSCREEN): I got up.
-What are you talking about?
JEFF (OFFSCREEN): I stood up.
I got up.
Your husband is a surfer.
OK.
What are you wearing?
What is this outfit?
What--
why do you have all
this makeup on?
-Um, after Craftacular,
I went to Nordstrom's.
I let a very aggressive sales
lady do my makeup.
-Huh.
Where's Logan?
-Jennie's playing with him.
-OK.
You look like someone else.
Get in bed.
[moaning]
-Make sure you give your
brother a turn.
Mazels, buddy.
Tremendous spread.
-Let's do it here.
Makes life much easier.
-Hey.
Sorry, I just woke up.
Sorry, I passed out.
What are all these people
doing here?
-What are you talking about?
It's brunch.
I told you I was going
to get bagels.
-Do we have Half N' Half?
-I-- no, I don't know.
It's fine.
Everyone's having a good time.
-Hi, ladies.
-Hi.
-What's going on?
-You are a mess.
What's happening?
-Did you just wake up?
-Everyone's seeing things
under here.
-Anyone tell you we were
coming here today?
-I totally blanked on it.
-Oh, no.
-I've got to make my leave.
You sure Mason has
growing foods?
-I've got to go set up
for Women and Wine.
-OK.
-Women and Wine is tonight?
-The men are playing poker, and
Logan can go to Meredith's
to be with the boys
if he wants.
-Oh, can McKenna come watch the
girls, just like, sit with
them over at that,
uh, Amanda's?
McKenna!
Do you-- do you-- do you
have plans tonight?
Like, do you want to come hang
out with like, four really
cute girls, do a bunch
of dress up?
It'd be so fun.
-Sure.
-I can do it.
I can, don't worry about it.
I will actually--
you know what?
I'll just call--
-No, no, it's fine.
I had no plans tonight.
-Oh, I love you.
OK, good.
-See you later.
-Can we just do that?
No, it's a great idea.
-Yeah, yeah.
-All right, I'm out of here.
-I don't want McKenna to
sit the girls tonight.
-What?
-I don't want McKenna to
sit the girls tonight.
Could you tell her it's not
gonna work out, or you found
somebody else?
-You want me to tell her?
-Yes.
I don't want to.
-Well, wha--
I don't--
-Just be my friend
and tell her.
-Here you go.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Jennie called, and Meredith
found someone to watch the
girls, so you're off the
hook for tonight.
-Why?
Honestly Rachel and I were
talking, and, I don't know.
She's just a little
uncomfortable
with the whole thing.
-Rachel is uncomfortable?
-Yeah.
The girls are, um, really
young, you know?
Two of them are in
preschool, so--
-Yeah.
Logan's in preschool.
I babysit him all the time.
Yeah, but just, you know,
other peoples' kids.
-Right.
-Plus, you don't really
know Amanda.
-I've met Amanda.
-Yeah.
She's just, like, super Jewish.
Like, two sets of
plates Jewish.
-OK.
-OK?
-Yeah.
Cool.
I get it.
Um, so I have the night off.
Right?
-Yeah.
Great.
Well, thanks for understanding.
-Totally.
-All right.
See you soon.
-Can you shut the
door, please?
-Look how big you are.
-So you're gonna go with--
what are you doing?
You're in the driver's seat.
Your son is driving
the car, Meredith.
-Good girl.
-Get back here!
-Hi.
[chattering]
-Hi, pretty girl.
I got you guys some presents.
You're a princess tonight.
Some nail polish, and some
bracelets, and some candy.
A bunch of fun stuff.
You're gonna be real
princesses, huh?
-I'm so sorry I can't
be there.
Somebody changed my plans.
-What do you say?
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-You're so welcome.
Have the best night ever.
-Thanks, McKenna.
Bye.
-Look at these bracelets!
-Hey.
-Oh, peanuts.
-Uh, guys are coming around
8:00, so, whenever.
-Can I have a chip?
-Yeah.
-I'll be gone.
-OK.
-Have fun.
-I'm here, I'm here, I'm here,
I'm here, I'm here.
-What's up, my friend?
-What's going on, my friend?
-Yeah, it's good to see you.
-That case looks so sinister.
-Isn't it?
-Well, there's guns in here.
I'm just--
-There's guns in here.
-That's gonna be on
you, potentially.
-Why?
-You know why.
-I didn't--
I didn't know that was you.
I cut him off. 'm sorry.
-Are we ready to descend
to the gambling house?
-Are these fingerlings?
-Rach, are you seeing this?
-Oh, it's beautiful.
-So, this is where we
will Women and Wine.
-It's very French, right?
Is that what we're
going for here?
The only thing that's
not French, no
kidding, is the piano.
It was my grandfather's--
-Somebody had a five.
-Fuck you.
-So now it's to him, because
he's left of the dealer.
[chattering]
-Man, fuck.
You're betting a million
dollars.
It should be pronounced
"yuca," as in Yucatan.
-Well, I guess it's in
most tequilas and--
-It's 7:59.
7:59.
-Can I ask a question?
-Where'd the fuck that fucking
ante come from?
-Jennifer's into guys who are
approximately 100 pounds
overweight.
-They are full figured women.
-Seriously, dude.
Rachel found her.
-Rachel found her.
-Yeah.
-We should have a
toast, ladies.
-OK, let's toast it up.
-We should have a toast!
-To long marriages.
-And long--
-Long marriage!
-And children.
-Cheers.
-Wait, wait, wait.
This is, we have to look
each other in the eye.
-What?
-We did.
We have to go like this.
-This is
We don't do it.
-So make it real.
OK.
It's just something she
read in "Real Simple."
-She's making everyone
have these moments.
-OK.
I'm sorry, but--
-I'm so glad.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
-But, speaking of which,
if you want to go--
-Jennie.
-Hi.
-Jennie.
-Speaking of, you want to--
I'm looking at you.
-No, you need to look at her.
You need to hold her hand.
-I just looked at her!
Oh my god.
[laughter]
[laughter]
-When you get home and you take
off those things, there's
There's no elegant way
to pull them off.
And your whole body just--
-Pot's getting too
good, right?
Remember you used to be
able to smoke a joint?
You smoke your joint
now, you die.
-Hi.
-Hello.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-Thought you were going out?
-Oh, I changed my mind.
Look at this.
You guys need company?
-Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
-There was a thing that--
-Stephanie, why are
you not drinking?
-I know that normally I am a
borderline alcoholic, but, I
wasn't gonna tell you
guys, I am preggers.
I'm p It was a total surprise.
-Oh, my god.
-Yeah, so anyway--
-Oh, my god!
-Amazing.
Oh, you guys are gonna
have two kids?
That's good for me!
Oh my god!
You're trying to get
mad about three.
-Yeah.
-Not me, said Logan.
-OK.
-Anyway.
-That is awesome.
-Wow.
-Congratulations.
-That is, I mean--
-Congratulations.
-Thank you guys, Thank
you so much.
Thank you.
-When are you due?
-March.
-Wow.
-Thank you.
-Has anybody here wondered what
their aborted children
would be like?
-Oh, my god.
-What is happening right now?
Have we all not had-- who's
had an abortion here?
And We've all--
-Who hasn't?
-Yeah.
-We've all had the abortion.
-I fucked so many people
in my 20's, you guys.
It's like, all I did
was fuck people.
-Everybody fucked everybody.
-Exactly.
-That's why you have 20's.
-That's why you have
your 20's.
I fucked the shit
out of my 20's.
-The 20's are for fucking.
-Thank you!
-And they're for asking your
parents for money.
-I want to hear about
everybody's abortions!
-Guys, it's not gonna be--
it's not gonna be
a super late night.
So we should wrap it up.
Who wants another drink?
-This is--
-I will, uh, I would
love a little bit.
Thank you, darling.
-I'm gonna go get
us some whiskey.
I'll see you guys in a minute.
Don't you dare look
at my cards.
-We will not.
-That would never happen.
-We will not look
at your cards.
-Everything but her cards.
-Did she just go
get us drinks?
She's the best nanny
in the world.
-So I was a freshman at USC.
-Oh, god.
-I was in my first week, and I
was in my dorm room, getting
ready for my sorority rush,
because that's what all the
cool kids were doing.
And this guy, oh my god,
was it Mike or John?
-No names.
-John.
Mike?
-Where is this going?
-Not anywhere good.
-I fucking don't
know his name.
-He just came walking on
into my dorm room.
-Anyway, it happened, and--
didn't even knock on
my dorm room door.
-OK, I definitely don't like
where this is going.
-Yeah, but he came in, he
told me I was pretty.
And made me feel really
sorry for him.
-And then he, and then
he raped you.
-Started kissing me.
-Is that where this is going?
You guys, it's not-- this
is not a rape story!
-It sounds a whole lot
like a rape story.
-I literally just like-- that's
what s college is.
-This is--
-Nobody asks in college!
-Could we just pretend like
it's my baby shower?
I think that's appropriate.
-It wasn't like a stranger,
you guys.
We met in the cafeteria.
-Oh, god.
-What is going on with
you tonight?
-No, we managed to get through
this fucking amazing thing
they used to serve.
Oh, my god.
It was like this foamy, light
green, whipped jello shit with
like--
-Oh, I remember that.
What was that?
-What was that called?
-Fantasia.
-It's Ambrosia.
-It was Ambrosia.
-It was Ambrosia.
-You're doing it.
-I make that all the time.
-You still make it?
-Where do you get the recipe
for something like that?
-She got it from her bubba.
-She just--
-In my head.
-What's your secret?
-Um, there's really no secret.
You just put stuff in it.
It's jello, and then you just
add whatever you have.
You know, fruit.
Nuts.
-You put nuts in the jello?
You can put nuts in there.
Cherries.
Uh--
-Nuts?
-Yeah.
Oh, stop it.
Would you stop it?
-When you bite down on a
piece of jello, you're
not expecting a nut.
That's what I'm saying.
-So I got pregnant
by this kid.
-Oh, god, we're still on it.
-And then I had to go
back home to my
parents' house in Chicago.
Had to go to the local clinic.
Got an abortion!
-Did your parents know?
-Yeah.
My mom knew.
-I had to literally stay home
the rest of my freshman year,
and I missed my Freshman year.
Didn't even go back to fucking
USC, because I
couldn't face that kid.
Well No!
So I just stayed home on
my parents' couch.
I watched soap operas for
a year of my life.
My god.
Oh, my god, you guys.
Soap operas.
They're gone.
They're all gone.
[raucous chatter]
-She has returned!
She has returned with
beverages and--
look at those tits too.
-Come on!
There we go!
All right, there we go!
-There we go!
-All right.
-Oh, this is my shit
right here, yo.
This is my jam right here!
This is my jam right here.
[music playing]
[music playing]
-Coming around the mountain.
She'll be coming--
-Hey!
Have you guys ever had
an eyes open orgasm?
Hello?
-What?
-That was a good segue way.
-Have you guys ever had
an eyes open orgasm?
-Wow.
Do you stare in your husband's
eyes, or do you close your
eyes, and do you think
about somebody else?
Hm!
-What is the question?
-Do you stare into--
First of all have, I'd
have to be like this.
I'd have to be like--
-You're doing it right now!
-Oh, she only does
it from behind!
-Yes!
That's how this happened!
From behind!
They'll be coming around--
-He took you up the caboose.
-No, because then I would
be having a butt baby.
-Here's the situation.
I have a very attractive
husband.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): I know.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): --we can
all get on board for that.
MEREDITH (OFFSCREEN): Yes.
-But sometimes a little--
Um, picture the little
what's his name.
Fassbender.
-Whatever, I use him.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): He's
got a huge cock.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN):
I use him.
-Don't even get me started
what's going on.
Up here is like, uh, is like
college professor.
16th century woman in a corset,
uh horse thing.
Oh, that, um, that,
uh, Jody Foster
movie on the pool table.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN):
Oh my god.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
"The Accused."
-That was--
Was that a pool table
or a juke box?
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
It was a pinball.
-I've masturbated to that
scene for two decades.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): What?
-I think I have to go.
-ALL: Oh no.
MEREDITH (OFFSCREEN): Guys.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): Amanda,
we're making you feel
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): Because
we're being weird.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN):
Now it's weird.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): No,
no, no, no no, no.
Amanda, we will--
We'll talk about something
normal.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): Amanda,
honey, I'm sorry.
-It was up the butt stuff,
I think, that
pushed it over the edge.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
The butt baby?
-The butt baby.
That's where it took a turn.
-What are you thinking
about, kosher Amanda?
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN):
Don't press her.
Don't press her.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): Rachel.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
Holier than thou.
-Rachel.
-Keep the Sabbath.
Limit your kids' screen time.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): Rachel.
-Do it through a hole
in the sheet.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): Rachel.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): Rachel.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Invite us
all over for your scrapbooking
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Who wants
to make a scrapbook?
-Hey.
-Logan is five.
He's not a baby anymore, and I
never made one photo album.
I never made one photo
album, it's gone.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): Honey.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): Make
a photo album.
-I remember the photo albums
that our moms would make with
the, like-- the, like,
tape in the--
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN):
In the corners.
I know.
-I love those.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): I know.
I know.
It's OK.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
And now it's gone.
Now all of my pictures
are on the cloud.
What is the cloud?
What the fuck is the cloud?
He's not gonna re--
He's not gonna know
how to access his
pictures when I die.
When I die, who is gonna
tell him who he was
when he was a baby?
Who's gonna tell him?
Who's gonna be there?
How is he gonna get
into the cloud?
What the fuck is the cloud?
Does anybody here not trust
the fucking cloud?
We're gonna get going.
[MUSIC PLAYING - ALABAMA SHAKES,
"YOU ARE NOT ALONE"]
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN):
Fucking Matt.
Are you kidding me?
Matthew Jacob [inaudible], get
the fuck up right now.
MATT (OFFSCREEN):
Jennie, hold on.
Hold on.
-Oh my god.
Matt.
What did you do to her?
What'd he do to you?
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Jennie
that's her period.
-I have my period.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
That's her period.
-What agency are you
with, honey?
I'm going to call them.
I need that number right now.
-I don't work for an agency.
-What?
Who do you work for?
-I work for myself.
I'm a whore.
-What did she just say?
-Hang on, hang on.
-She knows.
She got a lap dance from me.
He bought me for her.
He came and paid me.
Like I was a present.
-We've gone out of our way
to try and help you.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): McKenna,
you needed a place to stay.
-You will never see your
children ever again.
Do you understand that?
-Don't fucking say that to me?
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Jennie.
MATT (OFFSCREEN): Stop.
Stop for a second, OK?
Stop.
-Can we please leave
this room?
-I'm so sorry, Jeff.
-Fuck off, Jeff.
-You, I am done with.
-She did not do anything
to you.
-Oh, I bet you are.
-All right, Rachel.
-Do you have somewhere to go?
-Yeah, I have like a million
places to go.
-OK.
Goodbye.
-Yep.
-If we're late for Shabbat, uh,
you could just put your
guitar in your cubby, and then
we'll take it home at the end
of the day, OK?
-OK.
-If you're upset about somebody
else playing it, then
I can just take it home
and put it right away.
OK?
-I don't want anyone
else playing it.
Fine, then we'll just--
I'll bring it home.
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN): Mom.
-What are you doing?
-You told me to go.
I told you to let me go.
-Are you OK?
-No I'm not fucking OK.
I told you to stop for a second
so I could cross.
-I misread your signal.
-You're missing everything
these days.
You miss everything.
-I just--
I thought you had
said I should--
-What was she doing
in our house?
I worked so hard to buy us a
beautiful house, and you--
Did you want me to fuck her?
Just tell me honestly.
-No.
-Is that your ide--
Was that your idea?
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN): Dad!
-Then what?
Did you want to fuck her?
Are you a lesbian?
Just tell me honestly.
I won't be mad.
-I am a mother.
I am a wife.
I'm a--
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN):
Open the door!
-What, you were curious?
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN): Daddy!
-What, you--
You thought you would learn
something from a damaged
fucking sex--
OK.
-Tell me what you learned.
Tell me what you learned!
-I was just trying
to help her.
She didn't know what
she was gonna do.
-You were trying to help her?
You're the one that needs help.
Not her.
-Well, so help me!
-That's not my job!
It's not my job to
fucking help you.
-Take it easy.
Just take it easy.
-Listen, Rachel.
Logan, mommy and daddy
are having a talk.
Hold on.
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN): Mom!
-You need something.
You need to figure
out what it is.
You said you didn't
want another kid?
-I was so bored that I
thought I was dying.
-Not everyone gets
to be happy!
-Well, then quit!
I never told you to
sell Happy Farm.
I never told you to stay.
-I'm not gonna quit!
Because I am now in a situation
where people are
depending on me, and that
means something to me.
What do you want?
What do you want?
Just tell me.
-I want out.
-OK.
-Not out of this
marriage, Jeff.
I want out of this head!
I want out of this life.
-I get it.
It's fine.
Your wish is granted.
I am leaving.
[crying]
-Come here.
Come on.
Come here.
Come here.
[crying]
-Hey.
-Hey.
-So, I'm glad I saw you, I
really wanted to reach out,
but I also just wanted to
give you your space.
Also, tell you I'm so sorry.
-You know what, Rachel, I
haven't really been living in
Silver Lake that many years, but
where I come from in the
Palisades woman have
each other's backs.
-I think that's why I thought
that I could help her.
-OK, Rach, but you had
to know better.
Um, I meant to email you about
your room at Big Bear, for
your family.
I'm giving it to Amanda's family
because, you know, it's
gonna be awkward for the boy's
this time at the lake without
their dad, so just kind of have
to be really strong for
them, and I can't really do
that if you're there, so.
-Amanda.
Hey.
-Hi.
-I know I got really drunk the
other night and I know I said
some pretty awful things.
I didn't mean to call you--
-Kosher Amanda.
I'm actually not kosher.
-Oh, I think I just assumed.
-Sam keeps kosher, but
I love to cook.
I love to cook.
And there are so many things to
cook that are not kosher.
-But I do light the candles
on Friday nights.
I don't know why that gives me
such a bad rap around here.
Anyway.
So, I'll see you.
-I'm sorry.
You've reached Jeff.
Leave me a message.
[beep]
-I miss you so much.
Please come home.
-Did that feel better?
To be a pariah?
-I never felt like I fit in
with those moms anyway.
I mean, they don't work.
-You don't work either.
-I used to want to be
a war reporter.
-I remember.
-You do?
I said that, didn't I?
-Yes, you said it.
-Jeff acts like he
doesn't remember.
-Well, if you need evidence,
I take copious notes.
Sure it's in here.
-Jeff has been sleeping in Bo
and Stephanie's garage.
-Are you afraid he's
going to leave you?
-Yes.
-May I share something?
Portia and I broke up.
And I know this is
inappropriate.
-You know how you can be living
with someone and take
them for granted?
I did that with her.
The moment I met her, I said to
her, I want to be looking
at your eyes when I die.
-That is a lot for
a first date.
-That was the truth.
I didn't know what I
had when I had it.
I don't wanna start all over.
[sobbing]
-I don't wanna start all over.
[phone ringing]
JEFF (VOICEMAIL): Uh, hey.
You've reached Jeff.
[knocking]
-Jeff.
Je--
Hi.
Nice digs.
I'm sorry I threw a bomb in
the middle of our life.
Our beautiful life.
Does Bo have any weed?
Oh my god.
-Hey, Rach.
Um, in my head, I kinda put this
all on you, but I think I
was asleep, so I'm sorry.
-What day is it?
-Friday.
-Oh, we should light candles.
[singing in hebrew]
-What are you saying?
You have no idea what you're
saying, do you?
-You're supposed to
cover your eyes.
That I know.
-Both of us?
-Mhmm.
-OK.
Eyes are covered.
[MUSIC PLAYING - DIRTY
PROJECTORS,
"IMPREGNABLE QUESTION"]
-It's for you.
I put that together.
Do you wanna know how
long that took?
-No.
-Long time.
All right, Mr. Giraffe.
Have a safe trip.
Don't be too scared.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Send
us a post card!
[MUSIC PLAYING - DIRTY
PROJECTORS,
"IMPREGNABLE QUESTION"]
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): I can't
believe he didn't talk to her.
That's crazy.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): There
was nothing to say.
-How'd she look?
-She looked good.
-Yeah?
-She looked, well, the same.
She seems happy.
-Well, that's good.
Good.
Still dancing, huh?
-Still hoofing it.
[MUSIC PLAYING - DIRTY
PROJECTORS,
"IMPREGNABLE QUESTION"]
JEFF (OVER PHONE): Hey.
-Hi.
JEFF (OVER PHONE):
What's going on?
-What are you up to?
You wanna meet me at home?
JEFF (OVER PHONE): Uh, yes.
-I'll see you in like
seven minutes.
JEFF (OVER PHONE):
See you soon.
-We should put Bonnet out.
-Nah, let's let him stay.
Bonnet, this is how
humans do sex.
[MUSIC PLAYING - DIRTY
PROJECTORS,
"IMPREGNABLE QUESTION"]
JEFF (OVER PHONE): Faster.
-Look in my eyes.
Look at me.
I'm here.
[MUSIC PLAYING - JJAMZ,
"GET WHAT YOU WANT"]
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Connection.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Phone book.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff work.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Logan school.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Home.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff cell.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff work.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff cell.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff work.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Jeff work.
[MUSIC PLAYING - BOWERBIRDS,
"IN THE YARD"]
-How can I complain?
Women in Darfur, you know, walk
14 miles to get water,
raped on the way.
And on their way home, just
trying to get water back to
the family, raped again, spill
all the water, have to go
back, probably raped
a third time.
I mean, how dare I?
-How dare any of us?
Rachel, do I need to remind you
how much time you spend
giving back?
WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): You know
what, if it's gluten-free and
it is the same, how
could it hurt?
WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Eastside
JCC Moms!
What are we doing?
-Packing lunch for
the homeless!
-OK, I'm gonna post this.
When you get home, be
sure to like it.
OK?
You have to share it
with everybody.
Get your friends to like it.
I'm gonna see you guys
at the auction?
Rachel, I'm talking to you.
-Yep, got it.
-I know, it takes
a lot of time.
-And how are things
with Logan?
Is he good?
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Oh,
Logan is awesome.
-Are you two playing?
I know you said you were having
trouble getting on the
floor with him and
just playing.
So fun just to get on the floor
and just play with him.
-And how's Jeff?
-Yeah, all's well.
-Good, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
Good, good.
Rachel, you don't have to
tell me the truth, but,
uh, it is your time.
You pay for it.
-Still no sex.
Lost count.
Six months.
-I feel like there's a lot of
couples that probably go
through dry spells-
-Not healthy couples, no.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Instead of
just, like, talking about the
fact that we're not having
sex, we use this code.
He asks if he should
put the dog out.
-Hey baby.
-[mumbling].
I gotta sleep.
-Yeah, I know.
I was just, uh, thinking
of putting Bonnet out.
-Um--
-Or you know, I could just
let him stay in here.
If you don't want me to.
-It doesn't matter.
-It doesn't matter
to me either.
-Well, let him stay.
-You sure?
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-OK.
LENORE (OFFSCREEN): Are you
avoiding intercourse?
-Bedtime?
That is the worst time
to have sex.
-Is there a time you'd prefer?
-Oh, like a 3:30, or 4:00
tea time thing.
You know?
Elicit.
Curtains closed, sun
trying to get in.
We meet somewhere.
-May I share something
with you?
When Portia and I met in
1979 at Smith College--
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Does
your shrink tell
you about her life?
-No, because if she did,
I would fire her.
It goes against her, like,
Hippocratic Oath or something.
-Oh my god, Lenore is always
talking about her awful--
-Ugh, Lenore.
--Lesbian partner Portia and
how deep their love is.
-Please fire Lenore.
Ugh.
-I bet they have eyes
open orgasms.
Looking into the eyes of
your partner when he--
[gagging]
-No thank you.
-Oh god, I'm so ready just to
say fuck you to that auction.
I just do not wanna go.
-Oh my god, me neither.
-I'm buying a parking space
for my horrible wife.
No, I'm buying the parking space
for my horrible wife.
Ugh.
Oh, gentleman's club.
-Oh, well, yes, of course,
because they are the most
-Their little nut sack peeking
out, and their tiny little
monocles.
-(POSH ACCENT) Top of the
morning to you, ladies.
Would you mind if I
jacked myself off?
-You ever been to
a strip club?
-Seriously?
-Bo and I have gone to, like,
a million strip clubs.
-Are you serious?
-Yes.
We go there, we get all hot, and
then we bang the shit out
of each other when we get home.
-Should I make a res?
-What's wrong with you?
-Let me guess.
This was Steph's idea.
-No, actually, it was my idea.
I've never done anything
like this before.
It'll be hilarious.
-You've never been
to a strip club?
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): No.
-Strip clubs are sad, and they
make me the opposite of horny.
They make me angry.
-You don't think that looking
at young, hot American tits
are gonna get you horny?
-How do you know
their American?
-They could be--
I don't know.
You're not gonna know what hits
you when you get home.
It's gonna be sexual.
It's gonna be oh so sexual.
-Mm.
-I'm gonna eat you alive.
I'm might--
I might even suck it right off.
-You don't know.
-I do not know.
It's gonna be good.
-I'm gonna make some hot loving
to your-- to your dad
bod.
-Oh, man.
I wanted to bid on the
Cuperbergs' condo in Maui and
now I can't.
-Jeff, you don't wanna
stay at that condo.
It sounds repulsing.
-Yeah I do.
It's in Maui.
-You can't even see the
ocean from that condo.
Why would we stay there?
-Jesus, Rachel, put
on some clothes.
Men wear those on their faces
when they rob banks.
-You press that panic
button, I'm gonna
shoot you in the face.
Bing, bing.
-Did you tell the babysitter
what Logan likes for dinner?
-All right, I'm gonna see if we
have any of that frozen soy
cheese pizza.
-IDs, please.
-Hi.
Are you serious?
-I can't tell with
y'all nowadays.
You know?
-Best night of my life.
-Oh my god, thank you.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
Making my day.
[music playing]
ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
Larissa.
Let's give it up for Larissa.
Come on up.
[music playing]
-How old are you?
-I'm 19.
-Oh my god, that's young.
[music playing]
-I had a baby.
-That's OK.
[music playing]
-Hey baby.
-I'm gonna put Bonnet out, OK?
-OK.
-No, of course we should.
That's why we're--
Hold on a minute.
-Wha?
What are you doing?
[vomiting]
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
I am so sorry!
-That's OK.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Honey,
I'm so sorry.
-It's OK.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): I know
this was the night.
-It's OK.
Did you do it to each other
last night, or what?
-I was puking and
Jeff was tired.
-Oh my god, you are gay
and Jeff was gay.
-OK, he might've tried
to shove it in there.
I couldn't tell you.
Does Bo ever just fold
it and mush it in?
-Oh my god, like a
soft response?
Just sneak it in there?
-Oh god, Jennie.
-Hey.
-Oh, I'm so sorry, my
sister had a thing.
-Yeah, mine did too.
-So weird.
-Hey you.
-Matt bought me the
parking space.
-Of course he did.
-Oh.
-Yeah, I'll do it.
-I do.
-Wait, where are you going?
-I booked a massage.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Previous
destination.
[beep]
ROBOTIC VOICE: Sam's Hofbrau.
[music playing]
-Uh, just one Americano,
please.
-What's your name?
-Um, Sophia.
Keep the change.
Thank you.
BARISTA (OFFSCREEN): Sophia?
Thank you.
Oh, hi.
Do I look familiar to you?
You gave me a lap dance
last weekend.
-Yeah, I remember.
-Yeah, you came in with
your husband, right?
-Yeah.
That's cool, I like that.
-Yeah, you guys live downtown?
-No, I like in Silver Lake.
-Awesome.
-Yeah.
Um, I follow this truck on
Twitter, which is how I
happened to find this
truck today.
Because they tweet.
-Yeah they do.
Just my nom de coffee,
if you will.
-Oh.
-I'm Rachel.
-I'm McKenna.
It's nice to meet you.
-When I got out of
college, I, uh--
I majored in journalism, but I
kinda couldn't get my shit
together, so I ended up working
at this PR firm
writing press releases about
Calista Flockhart's buttery
choc highlights.
-Guys, who wants to try the new
bar method place with me?
-Oh, is that open?
-Yeah, me I do.
-I got a Groupon.
Let's use it.
-Uh, I can.
What are you doing?
-Uh, oil change.
-So you know when you text
somebody an emoticon?
-So, this is just like that,
except you're-- you're texting
a tiny picture of your face.
It's called an e-me-ticon.
-E-me-ticon.
Yeah, I just bought that.
-Oh, that was Jeff.
He's been trying to get
something to hit.
And now he's never not working,
and I'm, you know,
just online.
-I had this one picture
of him growing up.
He was in this weird maroon
sweatshirt and
had these crazy sideburns.
My mom told me that he had a
genius IQ, so that's why she
picked him, because
it was good genes.
But then one night, she got
really drunk and she told me
that was actually just a random
photo and she had no
idea who got her pregnant.
-Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
You know, it's--
He's like a mystery to me.
I get to imagine
what he's like.
I think he's like Axl Rose.
[giggling]
-Oh my god.
You just snorted.
-Yeah, it's not cute
in any way.
-It's so cute.
-No, way too old
for the snort.
-No, it's cute.
-You know what?
I will have a cigarette.
-OK.
-Why not?
-My lighter.
Went out.
Come here.
Ready?
-Yeah.
-Oh, put your hand up.
Yeah.
-I remember why people
do this.
-Sophia?
-Yeah.
[car alarm ringing]
-Hey!
Wait!
-McKenna!
Are you OK?
-Sorry.
-Help me?
-Yes.
-Just fucking wait.
This guy won't listen to me.
-Do you have a key?
My entire life is in this car.
-That's my car, man!
Hey, hey!
What the fuck, McKenna?
What happened?
-Look, Walter.
-Hey.
-There's apparently 35 fucking
tickets on this thing!
-Wait.
-I could've been
arrested, man.
-No, there was 10
tickets, tops.
-Asshole!
-No, hey!
-No!
-Hey, hey, hey, hey, my man!
Yo, yo don't!
No, don't.
Fuck!
God!
You dumb bitch!
-Did you get your stuff?
-Yeah.
-Sir.
Sir, excuse me.
-With all due respect, if the
car had tickets on it, and
it's your car, then I feel
you're the responsible one.
-Who the fuck are you?
-Hey.
That's my aunt Sophia.
So be cool, man.
-What the fuck are you gonna
do with all your shit?
OK, OK.
Just walk away.
We get it.
We get it.
WALTER (OFFSCREEN): Don't
fucking move.
-So.
So you just put your
stuff, um--
This is where you're going
to be staying.
First floor there's
a bed where we--
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Used to be
the maid's room, but we don't
have--
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Yeah,
welcome, welcome.
Make yourself at home.
-Oh, wow.
Hey.
Who is this guy?
Hey, buddy.
-That's Bonnet.
-Hi cutie fruity patootie.
That is the best name
ever for a pup.
-Let me show you--
Let me show you your digs.
Oh man.
Let's get some fresh
air in this room!
Oh.
Sorry.
Yeah, this used to be
our live in's room.
I know it's stupid to think that
we'd need a housekeeper.
I don't even have a job.
But, you know, she
was a godsend.
Because when I got pregnant
with Logan, you know, I
thought, I'm not gonna
have a baby nurse.
I'm not gonna need any of that.
You know, I'm gonna-
I'm a mother.
My body is built for this.
And then came home, milk
didn't come in.
Tried and tried to nurse,
couldn't latch on.
Apparently my nipples
are too small.
So, he wouldn't stop crying for
anybody except for Luce.
And she's just so calm
that she just--
Ugh.
When Logan got into school, we
had to let her go, you know?
And then we maybe thought for
a minute we were gonna have
another kid, and then we-- or it
was gonna be an office for
me, or--
-I like this color.
This room would look really
good in this color.
Do you ice skate?
-Oh, these?
Well, you know.
For a hot New York minute.
Got my--
My skate on.
-My mom always told me that I
should surround myself with
good people if I want good
things to happen.
I'm 55 days sober, so good
people are really important.
-Oh my god.
McKenna, that's amazing.
Congratulations.
Wow.
-My mom's a witch.
The Wiccan kind of
witch, you know?
Sometimes I think I
might be one too.
Is that my bathroom?
D-d--
Do you need clean towels?
We have company.
-Go, go, go, go, go.
I'm listening.
-We have company.
-Who's here?
-Have you ever heard of the
Espresso Yourself truck?
-The coffee they make, Jeff,
is like you cannot believe.
You know when people just
make one thing right?
It's great.
-It's obsession worthy.
-OK.
-So, I started--
I started to follow the
truck on Twitter.
-I thought you hated Twitter.
-I don't hate Twitter, Jeff.
I'm not--
I lurk on Twitter.
-You're a lurker.
-Just not a Tweeter.
So, a few weeks ago, the truck
was parked right across the
street from Sam's.
Wait, let me get you--
Let me get you some--
-Sam who?
-Uh, Hofbrau.
Sam's Hofbrau.
That was the strip bar, or like,
you know, topless place
or whatever that we went to.
Oh, you need cutlery.
Anyway--
who would've thunk it--
ran into McKenna.
-I don't know who McKenna is.
-Oh, she, um--
She's the dancer that--
She's the dancer that gave me
that private thingy when we
were there.
-You mean the stripper?
-OK, sure.
The stripper, is in
the maid's room.
-The stripper's in
the maid's room.
-Yeah.
-How did the stripper get
in the maid's room?
-I put her there.
So, I kept going back to the
Espresso Yourself truck, and
every time I would go there, I
kept running into McKenna.
So we just started talking.
Anyway, she was, like, between
apartments, her car was
getting towed.
She had nowhere to stay tonight,
and you know all the
work that I do for the homeless
at the J, and, you
know, I thought, here's--
OK, Here's actual homelessness
right in front of me.
-So you invited her to
stay here in our
house with our child?
-Just for like a-- two nights.
Like, one night maybe.
You won't even notice
she's here, Jeff.
JEFF (OFFSCREEN): (WHISPERING)
I don't wanna
meet her right now.
I think we should just--
-Shut up.
Just a few days.
OK, we gotta keep quiet.
I love you.
-Morning.
-Uh, hey.
Hey.
-I remember you.
You guys were, like, the
cutest couple ever.
-Oh, thank you.
We work at it.
Actually, we don't.
Do you want some coffee?
-Um, do you have tea?
-Yeah.
-Oh, wow, look at
this, a tea box.
-We're sort of-- sort of
hooked up that way.
-Yeah.
I'll take a chai spice.
-Yeah, why not?
I have to say, that was, like,
the best sleep I've had in
five years.
Not joking.
Hollywood is so noisy.
-Yeah, sometimes I find the
birds in this neighborhood can
be rather cacophonous.
You know, loud and chirpy.
-Rachel told me that
you invent apps.
-She wasn't lying.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN):
I love apps.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.
-Yeah?
-You like your job?
-Um, I used to.
I recently sold the, or
got bought, merged.
There are any number of ways to
describe what actually went
down with Happy Farm.
Logan, hey.
-Buddy, this is McKenna.
She's, um, uh, a friend
of your mom's.
I've heard a lot about you.
-Yeah?
I love your monkey backpack.
-I asked for an elephant.
-Well, talk to your mom.
-I did.
-We're gonna get you hooked up
with breakfast real quick, Mr.
Man, because we are running
a little late.
-OK.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Hey.
-Hi.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
Uh, good morning.
Logan, you met my
friend McKenna?
-Yeah.
McKenna, Jeff.
You got it.
-Great.
How did you--
How did you sleep?
-Really, really good.
-Oh good.
Oh good, you--
Good.
-Quiet in here.
-Yeah.
So, um, uh, you can take
Logan to school today?
Jeff, I just want to make
sure that McKenna is--
-Got it, I am on it.
--taken care of.
-Thank you.
-OK, great.
You need milk.
-OK.
OK, she looks like a completely
different person,
-I know.
-She looks like a college
kid or something.
-Right?
Dancing is just her job.
A job does not define
who you are.
-Right.
-I really think I
can help her.
She had a really
difficult life.
-Oh, lordy, lordy, lordy.
OK, all right.
I'm shaking it out.
There's a stripper in my pool.
No big.
-OK.
Oh, that's a nice looking one.
-Yeah, is that OK?
What do strippers like?
-Not that, because she's sober.
-Oh.
Good for her.
-Imagine that you're
cleaning out a rim.
-OK?
-Cleaning out a rim.
It's a big rim.
It's more like a
trash can size.
-OK.
-Oh, like a garbage can rim.
-Her shame is trapped there.
We gotta get that exercised.
Be gentle with it.
-Shame.
-Stephanie!
-I really got this.
-Stephanie!
-You're waking up
in the morning.
-Should we give her a pole?
-You want--
-Oh shit.
-Yeah.
-Body.
-No, you guys.
-Those are the guys that come
in and they're like, lap
dance, lap dance, lap
dance, every night.
And they always have their
favorite girls.
And they're the ones that tell
you things like, oh baby, I'm
gonna be the one that gets
to see you for real.
I'm gonna help get you
down off of this
pole, blah, blah, blah.
We call them Captain Save-a-Ho.
-Captain Save-a-Ho,
that's hilarious.
-Yeah, I made $6,000
of one once.
-Wait, 6,000 just for dancing?
-Well, some girls dance
just to dance, right?
But I like to use the club for
networking, meeting people,
building relationships.
I'm not the kind of girl who's
gonna tell you that she'll
strip but she won't get naked,
or she'll give you a lap dance
but she won't touch you, or
she'll touch you, but she
won't give you oral.
I'm pretty much down
for anything.
Full service sex worker.
-Um, what--
What is a sex worker?
This one guy Warren, I mean,
he pays via Paypal.
It's awesome.
There's no cash exchange.
It's very clean.
And then there's this Jack, and
he's been my regular on
Tuesdays for like
a million years.
I love him like a brother.
He's your kind of run
of the mill, typical
vanilla kinky guy.
He's into some weird shit.
He sometimes likes
a girl to watch.
You should come, Rachel.
-Yes, you should.
You really should.
I'll take Logan to soccer
so you can go.
-Thank you, that would
be a huge help.
Sorry.
I'm gonna ruing a perfectly
good blow out.
Hey Captain Save-a-Ho.
She's a hooker.
-Sh, it's OK.
-No, it's not OK.
-Yeah it is.
-Is that a nursing bra?
-Oh, yeah.
-Logan's five.
Throw it the fuck out.
-You didn't know about
that part, right?
The friends I see sometimes?
-You were right about that.
-You still want me to
stay at the house?
-If you want out of that
life, I can help you.
-I mean, I've saved first
and last month's rent.
I could give that to you.
And I could help take
care of Logan.
-Exactly, but no money.
-I'd feel weird taking
something from you.
If you think that I
can help you, I
promise, you're not taking.
-It's inappropriate.
-Aren't you supposed to
be non-judgmental?
I'm supposed to be clear mirror,
baccarat crystal.
Excuse me, I have to
eat something.
I was recently diagnosed with
perimenopausal low blood sugar.
I brought quinoa from home.
-She just seems way too young
and, I don't know, healthy to
be spending her time having
sex for money.
-Isn't that her choice?
May I share something?
When Portia was in
graduate school--
-No, Lenore, I don't wanna
hear about Portia.
I think that's inappropriate.
-I don't know why I wanna
take care of McKenna.
I mean, what if I listen to you
and I'm like, oh, Lenore
says it's inappropriate, so I
guess it's inappropriate.
So I go home and I'm like,
sorry, McKenna.
Turns out, this is
inappropriate.
So, out she goes, back on the
street, robbed of her one
opportunity she had
to finally escape
from being a sex worker.
-What's a sex worker?
-That's what she calls it.
-She's a prostitute.
-That is such an awful word.
-It's a highly accurate
word, Rachel.
-I think I need a break
from therapy.
-Well, I think that's
ill advised.
Just last week, you were
complaining about how you and
Jeff are no longer making love.
I mean, if you wanna
choose words, let's
just call it not fucking.
-I think you should start
coming in twice a week.
-Mwah.
-Bye.
Oh, hey.
Uh, this is, uh--
This is, um, Amanda
and Meredith.
-Nice to meet you.
-Bye.
-Stephanie.
-Oh, McKenna.
Oh my gosh.
You're still here.
-Yeah, uh, um, I'm teaching her
about drop offs in case
she has to do a drop off.
Well, I'll see you guys soon.
-OK, bye.
-If it's a Monday, you wanna
bring his math stuff with
you--
-And if it's a Friday,
you wanna--
Did you ever get my sign up
paper for Craftacular?
-Oh.
-Because I didn't
see your name.
-I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, I forgot.
-Hi.
Who's this?
-Oh, uh, this is Logan's
new nanny.
This is McKenna.
-McKenna, this is Jennie.
-Oh, nice to meet you.
-Wow, you been thinking about
going back to work Rach?
-Yeah, thinking about
thinking about it.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): Great.
Where you from?
-I'm from Chico in Northern
California.
-Yeah, I found her through
an agency.
-Well, careful, because I am
known to steal nannies.
I am a nanny stealer.
Hey.
Do you wanna--
Do you wanna captain a table
at Craftacular, McKenna?
It's, like, a lot of kids doing
crafts, raising money
for Jewish women with cancer.
-Jennie, I am so sorry, but I
gotta show McKenna where the
dry cleaners is.
It was nice to meet you.
-I'll register.
I promise.
Just like another week, until
she gets on her feet.
What exactly do you intend
to do for her?
-Help her tell her story.
Maybe I can help her
set up a blog.
She and I could co-blog.
-You wanna--
You wanna blog with her?
A lot of good things have
come from blogging.
-Name one good thing that's
come from blogging.
-OK, that crunchy kale
salad that I made.
That was from someone's blog.
Blogging's amazing.
-So, and we are recording.
OK.
So, we are not sure what this is
going to be yet, if this is
gonna be a blog, a co-blog,
article, podcast.
We're going to just--
Who knows?
Keep it loose.
Right now we're just
gonna have a--
just a-- just going to call--
call it a conversation.
-Yeah.
-OK.
You are a sex worker.
-Yes.
I'm a sex worker.
-And you have been, uh, working
in sex for how long?
-Two years.
I started when I was 20.
-You told me you were 19.
I tell all my customers that.
It's like, a barely
legal thing.
It turns them on.
-What does it mean to see other
people as customers?
-Doctors have customers,
psychiatrists have customers,
people that work in stores
have customers.
A lot of people in this
world have customers.
-What if those customers
had wives?
-So?
-You didn't feel a sense
of responsibility or--
-No.
-Sisterliness?
-No.
-Compassion?
-Yeah, I feel compassion for a
world where men have a way
higher sex drive, and it's a
proven fact, and their wives
lose interest in having
sex with term.
Yeah, I feel compassion
for that.
-Oh my god.
-Thank you for coming home.
-Thank you for calling
me home.
This is not at all what I had
scheduled for my afternoon.
-Hey.
-What?
-Open your eyes.
-What?
-Do me a favor.
Open your eyes.
Hey.
Hi.
-You wanna try having
an eyes open orgasm?
Yeah?
Like this?
-There you are.
-Hey, hello, how are you?
-Hey, long time.
You know what?
Close them.
-I'm sorry.
Just keep them closed.
-Do what you gotta do.
-Sorry.
-Oh, I'm good.
-Yeah.
-I can get back in there.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.
-No?
-Takes a second to get
back on the bus.
-Yep.
-Been a while.
Glad we did it though, so.
-Yeah, yeah.
-Nice work.
-Right.
-Um, so, I can when I get back
later tonight from work.
Yeah?
-Um, actually, I'm gonna be
much later than I thought.
-No worries.
-Because I had to reschedule
this conference
call and I have to--
[phone vibrating]
-Hold on.
Someone's calling me right now.
Hello?
Yeah, hey.
This is Jeff.
If they're still on the call, I
need you to patch me through
right away.
--We're running late, honey.
-My legs are stuck.
-Logan.
Logan, you have to help me.
-Flex your legs.
Let go.
[knocking]
-Mhmm.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Hi.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Jeff
said that you were sick.
-Oh, I feel Shit City.
I'm all right, I think.
-You know your body's
not gonna heal
if you mind's tweaking.
-I'm not--
No, wait, I--
McKenna, I have to reach out.
I have to reach out to hot dog
vendors for this Craftacular
or Jennie is going to kill me.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN):
Do you have any of
that menthol rub stuff?
Do you know what I'm
talking about?
-McKenna, I'm fine.
-Ah, ah, ah.
You do have it.
-McKenna, I don't
need anything.
-Do you have a sock?
-Can I use these?
-I mean, those are gross.
I don't know what you're even.
-Smells fine.
-You don't have to do anything.
-OK.
-I don't even--
-Give me your foot.
-Again, honey.
Please, I am total--
-Put it down.
-I am fine.
Lay down.
-Lady.
I am fine.
-OK?
Just pause.
OK.
My grandma used to do this
to me and my cousins
when we were sick.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Grandma.
-Yeah.
Grandma Ninny.
-Did you say Ninny?
-Mhmm.
My mom's mom.
I lived with her a lot.
You have to keep
your feet warm.
-You do not have to do this.
-Makes me happy.
I can feel in your feet
where you're blocked.
In your right hip.
We'll just shake it out.
OK.
Just shake it out a little.
Oh yeah, it's really
right in here.
[whispers]
OK.
Can I open this?
-Um.
I'm not wearing a bra.
-Just breathe.
[heavy breathing]
[heavy breathing]
-Hey, cute dress.
-Thanks.
-You look so pretty.
Where you going?
-Do you really wanna know?
-Of course.
-I'm going to play with Jack.
-Oh, is that the--
Is that the Paypal
one, or the--
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): No,
he's the other one.
-Oh, the nice one.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Mhmm.
-Oh, good.
OK.
Are you sure you wanna go?
-Yeah, my mom called.
Um, she's getting evicted, so I
need to make her some cash.
-But I mean, if you--
I you want me to pay you
instead of the room.
I make $250 an hour.
-OK, well I know you're not
asking for my permission, so.
OK, bye.
-Bye.
-See ya.
Do you need a ride?
OK.
OK.
Are you sure you don't
need a ride home?
He always calls me a cab.
-Oh.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN):
Thank you.
Bye.
-Bye.
-Hi Willy.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Are
you kicking the table?
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN): Mhmm.
-Stop.
It's rude.
Thank you.
The road to dessert is paved
with chicken, sir.
-That's right.
I really want dessert.
-And you're gonna get some.
-Stop kicking the the table.
-The road to dessert is
also paved with beef.
Come on.
[door opening]
-There she is.
-McKenna, you hungry?
Plenty of food.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN):
Uh, no thanks.
I'm gonna go straight to bed.
Good night!
-OK, sleep tight.
-Finally.
Oh my god, wow.
Look at you.
You look unbelievable.
-Hey baby.
Look what you did.
I'm proud.
-You did so good.
-Wow.
I'm so proud of you.
-Take it easy Horn
Dog McCrosby.
Look, Rachel's got
her boobies out.
-What the what, Rachel?
-Come over here.
Make a little Matty sandwich.
-OK.
-Hold on.
Everybody.
-All right, we gotta go.
-All right, where's
your mansicle?
-Uh, you mean Jeff?
He's over there.
-Sup Jeff Boyardee?
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): This way.
This way.
Excuse me.
-Yeah?
-Don't freak out.
OK.
Get a bracelet on this one.
-Oh, yep.
-And, uh, I don't mean to be
unkind, you guys, but I sweat,
if I see anybody walking around
without a bracelet, I'm
gonna shit myself.
-Yeah, I--
I'm really sorry about what
happened last year.
-No, don't even worry
about it, because
Actually, that was completely
your fault, but I'm
totally over it.
All right, I want you here with
Amanda, and just figure
out between the two of you
who's gonna do bracelets,
who's gonna take credit cards.
-Uh, I'm--
I'm doing hot dogs
with Stephanie.
-Oh, honey, all due respect, you
kinda dropped the ball on
the hot dogs, so I
gave it to Alisa.
Sorry, I--
I need to borrow my husband
for one second.
I'm so sorry.
-What?
-You're leaving?
-Yeah.
-Because that's how it works.
The women tell the men where to
set up the folding table,
and the men set up the folding
table so men are free to go.
-That's gross.
-Just hang with Steph, OK?
Talk shit about the moms.
You guys'll have fun.
-I'm off of hot dogs.
-You don't get to make fun
of me and go surfing.
I'm with fucking kosher Amanda.
This is fucking kosher Amanda's
face all the time.
-You're right.
That is her face.
-Yeah.
-That's her resting face.
That is her face.
-This is her baseline.
-I wanna see how it feels.
Huh, this is how it feels
to be kosher Amanda.
-Mm-mm.
-All right, I'm going surfing.
-I can't believe you're
leaving me.
-Bye.
It's not fair, Jeff.
-Seriously, I'm--
I'm doing it.
Whoa.
Last night, we're going crazy.
MAN (OFFSCREEN): Go, go go!
Go, go, go, go, go!
-Can Logan go home with Owen?
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN):
Well, yeah.
-I know, I'm sorry you guys.
-Of course, I hope
you feel better.
-Awful cramps.
OK.
MAN (OFFSCREEN):
Paddle, paddle,
paddle, paddle, paddle.
MAN (OFFSCREEN):
Hop up, hop up!
MAN (OFFSCREEN): [inaudible]!
-Jefferey!
Super stud!
Yeah yeah!
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): McKenna?
-Going to Jack's?
-Yeah.
-I'm coming with you.
-Can I check those?
-Why is that weird?
-How come no one
believes in us?
-I believe in us.
-If we don't believe in us,
who's gonna believe in us?
-Yeah, come on, Craig.
-Is that the name of our band?
We Believe in Us?
-How about just Dadz,
with a Z on the end.
Surf Godz with a Z.
I don't care Want.
I just want a Z to be
somewhere in the
title of the band name.
[croaking]
-Oh, I need a new name.
-Oh, yeah.
-Right?
-Mhmm.
-Sophia?
-Again?
Oh my god.
Cassidy?
-No.
-Ariel?
-No.
-Samantha?
Um, Shelly?
-Maybe.
-Shelly.
[knocking]
MAN (OFFSCREEN): Coming.
Hey, baby.
-Hi.
-Hey.
-How are you?
-Good, how are you?
-I'm really good.
And, uh, this is my friend.
-Savannah.
-Savannah.
-Hi Savannah.
-Hi.
-Can I take your coat?
-Oh, please.
Uh, thank you.
-Wow.
You're beautiful.
May I get you a drink.
-Uh, yes, thank you.
-Scotch.
-Yes.
-Here you go.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
Savannah, there's no pressure.
McKenna told me you wanted to,
um, share the experience, and
I, uh, I really admire that.
-Oh, thank you.
-I'd really love for
you to just watch.
-Great, that's what I'll--
That's what I'll do.
-Totally get me off.
Um.
And, if, at any time, you feel
uncomfortable, then you just
come on out here and, you know,
sit down and chill.
-So, this won't be happening
in this space, then?
It's gonna be somewhere else?
Or is-- is it thi--
Is this where it happens?
-She's cute.
You told me she's cute,
but she's cute.
You're cute.
No.
It happens in the bedroom.
-Ah, of course.
-May I show you the bedroom?
-Oh, you don't have to.
I mean--
whatever you guys normally--
You know.
Whatever.
You know.
you go--
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Why don't
you just come sit down?
-She's sweet.
Give some of this
to your friend.
-Thank you.
JACK (OFFSCREEN): I think
it's time for bedroom.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Let's go.
JACK (OFFSCREEN): Come
on, let's go.
-OK.
You ready, Savannah?
-Yeah.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN):
OK, let's go.
-Get me hard.
-I will.
I will.
You know that I will.
-Sitting on this
chaise lounge.
Beautiful.
JACK (OFFSCREEN): Oh yeah.
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Mm.
-Oh, I'm sorry, one
more question.
Sorry, I didn't mean to put
a damper on anything.
-You're not.
-OK, good.
I just was, uh, wondering
how long these
sessions usually last.
-Uh, like about an
hour, right Jack?
-Yeah, about an hour.
-Oh, well great.
Good.
Don't have to make
a phone call.
So, I'm good.
Great.
Wonderful.
Go about your business.
I'll shut up now.
-Oh yeah.
Can you see, Savannah?
Yes, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
-Yeah?
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Oh my god,
you're getting so hard.
-Fuck yeah, I am getting--
MCKENNA (OFFSCREEN): Baby!
-Are you sure you
can see, honey?
-Mm-hm.
-Oh yeah, that's it.
I want you to see me.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): I do.
-I don't think you can.
[laughing]
JACK (OFFSCREEN):
Come to daddy.
-I'm coming!
Hey.
JACK (OFFSCREEN): Oh yeah.
-Yeah?
-Look at this, Savannah.
Take it in.
[moaning]
-Savannah, can you
take my hand?
Come here.
[moaning]
[moaning]
-Oh, yeah.
[moaning]
[moaning]
-Are you OK?
-Yeah.
I think we should go.
-Well, let me give
you your cash.
-No, I don't want it.
JEFF (OFFSCREEN): Babe?
-Yeah?
JEFF (OFFSCREEN): Hey.
Guess what?
JEFF (OFFSCREEN): I got up.
-What are you talking about?
JEFF (OFFSCREEN): I stood up.
I got up.
Your husband is a surfer.
OK.
What are you wearing?
What is this outfit?
What--
why do you have all
this makeup on?
-Um, after Craftacular,
I went to Nordstrom's.
I let a very aggressive sales
lady do my makeup.
-Huh.
Where's Logan?
-Jennie's playing with him.
-OK.
You look like someone else.
Get in bed.
[moaning]
-Make sure you give your
brother a turn.
Mazels, buddy.
Tremendous spread.
-Let's do it here.
Makes life much easier.
-Hey.
Sorry, I just woke up.
Sorry, I passed out.
What are all these people
doing here?
-What are you talking about?
It's brunch.
I told you I was going
to get bagels.
-Do we have Half N' Half?
-I-- no, I don't know.
It's fine.
Everyone's having a good time.
-Hi, ladies.
-Hi.
-What's going on?
-You are a mess.
What's happening?
-Did you just wake up?
-Everyone's seeing things
under here.
-Anyone tell you we were
coming here today?
-I totally blanked on it.
-Oh, no.
-I've got to make my leave.
You sure Mason has
growing foods?
-I've got to go set up
for Women and Wine.
-OK.
-Women and Wine is tonight?
-The men are playing poker, and
Logan can go to Meredith's
to be with the boys
if he wants.
-Oh, can McKenna come watch the
girls, just like, sit with
them over at that,
uh, Amanda's?
McKenna!
Do you-- do you-- do you
have plans tonight?
Like, do you want to come hang
out with like, four really
cute girls, do a bunch
of dress up?
It'd be so fun.
-Sure.
-I can do it.
I can, don't worry about it.
I will actually--
you know what?
I'll just call--
-No, no, it's fine.
I had no plans tonight.
-Oh, I love you.
OK, good.
-See you later.
-Can we just do that?
No, it's a great idea.
-Yeah, yeah.
-All right, I'm out of here.
-I don't want McKenna to
sit the girls tonight.
-What?
-I don't want McKenna to
sit the girls tonight.
Could you tell her it's not
gonna work out, or you found
somebody else?
-You want me to tell her?
-Yes.
I don't want to.
-Well, wha--
I don't--
-Just be my friend
and tell her.
-Here you go.
[knocking on door]
Come in.
Jennie called, and Meredith
found someone to watch the
girls, so you're off the
hook for tonight.
-Why?
Honestly Rachel and I were
talking, and, I don't know.
She's just a little
uncomfortable
with the whole thing.
-Rachel is uncomfortable?
-Yeah.
The girls are, um, really
young, you know?
Two of them are in
preschool, so--
-Yeah.
Logan's in preschool.
I babysit him all the time.
Yeah, but just, you know,
other peoples' kids.
-Right.
-Plus, you don't really
know Amanda.
-I've met Amanda.
-Yeah.
She's just, like, super Jewish.
Like, two sets of
plates Jewish.
-OK.
-OK?
-Yeah.
Cool.
I get it.
Um, so I have the night off.
Right?
-Yeah.
Great.
Well, thanks for understanding.
-Totally.
-All right.
See you soon.
-Can you shut the
door, please?
-Look how big you are.
-So you're gonna go with--
what are you doing?
You're in the driver's seat.
Your son is driving
the car, Meredith.
-Good girl.
-Get back here!
-Hi.
[chattering]
-Hi, pretty girl.
I got you guys some presents.
You're a princess tonight.
Some nail polish, and some
bracelets, and some candy.
A bunch of fun stuff.
You're gonna be real
princesses, huh?
-I'm so sorry I can't
be there.
Somebody changed my plans.
-What do you say?
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-You're so welcome.
Have the best night ever.
-Thanks, McKenna.
Bye.
-Look at these bracelets!
-Hey.
-Oh, peanuts.
-Uh, guys are coming around
8:00, so, whenever.
-Can I have a chip?
-Yeah.
-I'll be gone.
-OK.
-Have fun.
-I'm here, I'm here, I'm here,
I'm here, I'm here.
-What's up, my friend?
-What's going on, my friend?
-Yeah, it's good to see you.
-That case looks so sinister.
-Isn't it?
-Well, there's guns in here.
I'm just--
-There's guns in here.
-That's gonna be on
you, potentially.
-Why?
-You know why.
-I didn't--
I didn't know that was you.
I cut him off. 'm sorry.
-Are we ready to descend
to the gambling house?
-Are these fingerlings?
-Rach, are you seeing this?
-Oh, it's beautiful.
-So, this is where we
will Women and Wine.
-It's very French, right?
Is that what we're
going for here?
The only thing that's
not French, no
kidding, is the piano.
It was my grandfather's--
-Somebody had a five.
-Fuck you.
-So now it's to him, because
he's left of the dealer.
[chattering]
-Man, fuck.
You're betting a million
dollars.
It should be pronounced
"yuca," as in Yucatan.
-Well, I guess it's in
most tequilas and--
-It's 7:59.
7:59.
-Can I ask a question?
-Where'd the fuck that fucking
ante come from?
-Jennifer's into guys who are
approximately 100 pounds
overweight.
-They are full figured women.
-Seriously, dude.
Rachel found her.
-Rachel found her.
-Yeah.
-We should have a
toast, ladies.
-OK, let's toast it up.
-We should have a toast!
-To long marriages.
-And long--
-Long marriage!
-And children.
-Cheers.
-Wait, wait, wait.
This is, we have to look
each other in the eye.
-What?
-We did.
We have to go like this.
-This is
We don't do it.
-So make it real.
OK.
It's just something she
read in "Real Simple."
-She's making everyone
have these moments.
-OK.
I'm sorry, but--
-I'm so glad.
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
-But, speaking of which,
if you want to go--
-Jennie.
-Hi.
-Jennie.
-Speaking of, you want to--
I'm looking at you.
-No, you need to look at her.
You need to hold her hand.
-I just looked at her!
Oh my god.
[laughter]
[laughter]
-When you get home and you take
off those things, there's
There's no elegant way
to pull them off.
And your whole body just--
-Pot's getting too
good, right?
Remember you used to be
able to smoke a joint?
You smoke your joint
now, you die.
-Hi.
-Hello.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-Thought you were going out?
-Oh, I changed my mind.
Look at this.
You guys need company?
-Yeah.
Yeah, all right.
-There was a thing that--
-Stephanie, why are
you not drinking?
-I know that normally I am a
borderline alcoholic, but, I
wasn't gonna tell you
guys, I am preggers.
I'm p It was a total surprise.
-Oh, my god.
-Yeah, so anyway--
-Oh, my god!
-Amazing.
Oh, you guys are gonna
have two kids?
That's good for me!
Oh my god!
You're trying to get
mad about three.
-Yeah.
-Not me, said Logan.
-OK.
-Anyway.
-That is awesome.
-Wow.
-Congratulations.
-That is, I mean--
-Congratulations.
-Thank you guys, Thank
you so much.
Thank you.
-When are you due?
-March.
-Wow.
-Thank you.
-Has anybody here wondered what
their aborted children
would be like?
-Oh, my god.
-What is happening right now?
Have we all not had-- who's
had an abortion here?
And We've all--
-Who hasn't?
-Yeah.
-We've all had the abortion.
-I fucked so many people
in my 20's, you guys.
It's like, all I did
was fuck people.
-Everybody fucked everybody.
-Exactly.
-That's why you have 20's.
-That's why you have
your 20's.
I fucked the shit
out of my 20's.
-The 20's are for fucking.
-Thank you!
-And they're for asking your
parents for money.
-I want to hear about
everybody's abortions!
-Guys, it's not gonna be--
it's not gonna be
a super late night.
So we should wrap it up.
Who wants another drink?
-This is--
-I will, uh, I would
love a little bit.
Thank you, darling.
-I'm gonna go get
us some whiskey.
I'll see you guys in a minute.
Don't you dare look
at my cards.
-We will not.
-That would never happen.
-We will not look
at your cards.
-Everything but her cards.
-Did she just go
get us drinks?
She's the best nanny
in the world.
-So I was a freshman at USC.
-Oh, god.
-I was in my first week, and I
was in my dorm room, getting
ready for my sorority rush,
because that's what all the
cool kids were doing.
And this guy, oh my god,
was it Mike or John?
-No names.
-John.
Mike?
-Where is this going?
-Not anywhere good.
-I fucking don't
know his name.
-He just came walking on
into my dorm room.
-Anyway, it happened, and--
didn't even knock on
my dorm room door.
-OK, I definitely don't like
where this is going.
-Yeah, but he came in, he
told me I was pretty.
And made me feel really
sorry for him.
-And then he, and then
he raped you.
-Started kissing me.
-Is that where this is going?
You guys, it's not-- this
is not a rape story!
-It sounds a whole lot
like a rape story.
-I literally just like-- that's
what s college is.
-This is--
-Nobody asks in college!
-Could we just pretend like
it's my baby shower?
I think that's appropriate.
-It wasn't like a stranger,
you guys.
We met in the cafeteria.
-Oh, god.
-What is going on with
you tonight?
-No, we managed to get through
this fucking amazing thing
they used to serve.
Oh, my god.
It was like this foamy, light
green, whipped jello shit with
like--
-Oh, I remember that.
What was that?
-What was that called?
-Fantasia.
-It's Ambrosia.
-It was Ambrosia.
-It was Ambrosia.
-You're doing it.
-I make that all the time.
-You still make it?
-Where do you get the recipe
for something like that?
-She got it from her bubba.
-She just--
-In my head.
-What's your secret?
-Um, there's really no secret.
You just put stuff in it.
It's jello, and then you just
add whatever you have.
You know, fruit.
Nuts.
-You put nuts in the jello?
You can put nuts in there.
Cherries.
Uh--
-Nuts?
-Yeah.
Oh, stop it.
Would you stop it?
-When you bite down on a
piece of jello, you're
not expecting a nut.
That's what I'm saying.
-So I got pregnant
by this kid.
-Oh, god, we're still on it.
-And then I had to go
back home to my
parents' house in Chicago.
Had to go to the local clinic.
Got an abortion!
-Did your parents know?
-Yeah.
My mom knew.
-I had to literally stay home
the rest of my freshman year,
and I missed my Freshman year.
Didn't even go back to fucking
USC, because I
couldn't face that kid.
Well No!
So I just stayed home on
my parents' couch.
I watched soap operas for
a year of my life.
My god.
Oh, my god, you guys.
Soap operas.
They're gone.
They're all gone.
[raucous chatter]
-She has returned!
She has returned with
beverages and--
look at those tits too.
-Come on!
There we go!
All right, there we go!
-There we go!
-All right.
-Oh, this is my shit
right here, yo.
This is my jam right here!
This is my jam right here.
[music playing]
[music playing]
-Coming around the mountain.
She'll be coming--
-Hey!
Have you guys ever had
an eyes open orgasm?
Hello?
-What?
-That was a good segue way.
-Have you guys ever had
an eyes open orgasm?
-Wow.
Do you stare in your husband's
eyes, or do you close your
eyes, and do you think
about somebody else?
Hm!
-What is the question?
-Do you stare into--
First of all have, I'd
have to be like this.
I'd have to be like--
-You're doing it right now!
-Oh, she only does
it from behind!
-Yes!
That's how this happened!
From behind!
They'll be coming around--
-He took you up the caboose.
-No, because then I would
be having a butt baby.
-Here's the situation.
I have a very attractive
husband.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): I know.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): --we can
all get on board for that.
MEREDITH (OFFSCREEN): Yes.
-But sometimes a little--
Um, picture the little
what's his name.
Fassbender.
-Whatever, I use him.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): He's
got a huge cock.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN):
I use him.
-Don't even get me started
what's going on.
Up here is like, uh, is like
college professor.
16th century woman in a corset,
uh horse thing.
Oh, that, um, that,
uh, Jody Foster
movie on the pool table.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN):
Oh my god.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
"The Accused."
-That was--
Was that a pool table
or a juke box?
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
It was a pinball.
-I've masturbated to that
scene for two decades.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): What?
-I think I have to go.
-ALL: Oh no.
MEREDITH (OFFSCREEN): Guys.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): Amanda,
we're making you feel
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): Because
we're being weird.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN):
Now it's weird.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): No,
no, no, no no, no.
Amanda, we will--
We'll talk about something
normal.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): Amanda,
honey, I'm sorry.
-It was up the butt stuff,
I think, that
pushed it over the edge.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
The butt baby?
-The butt baby.
That's where it took a turn.
-What are you thinking
about, kosher Amanda?
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN):
Don't press her.
Don't press her.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): Rachel.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
Holier than thou.
-Rachel.
-Keep the Sabbath.
Limit your kids' screen time.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): Rachel.
-Do it through a hole
in the sheet.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): Rachel.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): Rachel.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Invite us
all over for your scrapbooking
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Who wants
to make a scrapbook?
-Hey.
-Logan is five.
He's not a baby anymore, and I
never made one photo album.
I never made one photo
album, it's gone.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): Honey.
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN): Make
a photo album.
-I remember the photo albums
that our moms would make with
the, like-- the, like,
tape in the--
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN):
In the corners.
I know.
-I love those.
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): I know.
I know.
It's OK.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
And now it's gone.
Now all of my pictures
are on the cloud.
What is the cloud?
What the fuck is the cloud?
He's not gonna re--
He's not gonna know
how to access his
pictures when I die.
When I die, who is gonna
tell him who he was
when he was a baby?
Who's gonna tell him?
Who's gonna be there?
How is he gonna get
into the cloud?
What the fuck is the cloud?
Does anybody here not trust
the fucking cloud?
We're gonna get going.
[MUSIC PLAYING - ALABAMA SHAKES,
"YOU ARE NOT ALONE"]
JENNIE (OFFSCREEN):
Fucking Matt.
Are you kidding me?
Matthew Jacob [inaudible], get
the fuck up right now.
MATT (OFFSCREEN):
Jennie, hold on.
Hold on.
-Oh my god.
Matt.
What did you do to her?
What'd he do to you?
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Jennie
that's her period.
-I have my period.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN):
That's her period.
-What agency are you
with, honey?
I'm going to call them.
I need that number right now.
-I don't work for an agency.
-What?
Who do you work for?
-I work for myself.
I'm a whore.
-What did she just say?
-Hang on, hang on.
-She knows.
She got a lap dance from me.
He bought me for her.
He came and paid me.
Like I was a present.
-We've gone out of our way
to try and help you.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): McKenna,
you needed a place to stay.
-You will never see your
children ever again.
Do you understand that?
-Don't fucking say that to me?
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Jennie.
MATT (OFFSCREEN): Stop.
Stop for a second, OK?
Stop.
-Can we please leave
this room?
-I'm so sorry, Jeff.
-Fuck off, Jeff.
-You, I am done with.
-She did not do anything
to you.
-Oh, I bet you are.
-All right, Rachel.
-Do you have somewhere to go?
-Yeah, I have like a million
places to go.
-OK.
Goodbye.
-Yep.
-If we're late for Shabbat, uh,
you could just put your
guitar in your cubby, and then
we'll take it home at the end
of the day, OK?
-OK.
-If you're upset about somebody
else playing it, then
I can just take it home
and put it right away.
OK?
-I don't want anyone
else playing it.
Fine, then we'll just--
I'll bring it home.
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN): Mom.
-What are you doing?
-You told me to go.
I told you to let me go.
-Are you OK?
-No I'm not fucking OK.
I told you to stop for a second
so I could cross.
-I misread your signal.
-You're missing everything
these days.
You miss everything.
-I just--
I thought you had
said I should--
-What was she doing
in our house?
I worked so hard to buy us a
beautiful house, and you--
Did you want me to fuck her?
Just tell me honestly.
-No.
-Is that your ide--
Was that your idea?
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN): Dad!
-Then what?
Did you want to fuck her?
Are you a lesbian?
Just tell me honestly.
I won't be mad.
-I am a mother.
I am a wife.
I'm a--
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN):
Open the door!
-What, you were curious?
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN): Daddy!
-What, you--
You thought you would learn
something from a damaged
fucking sex--
OK.
-Tell me what you learned.
Tell me what you learned!
-I was just trying
to help her.
She didn't know what
she was gonna do.
-You were trying to help her?
You're the one that needs help.
Not her.
-Well, so help me!
-That's not my job!
It's not my job to
fucking help you.
-Take it easy.
Just take it easy.
-Listen, Rachel.
Logan, mommy and daddy
are having a talk.
Hold on.
LOGAN (OFFSCREEN): Mom!
-You need something.
You need to figure
out what it is.
You said you didn't
want another kid?
-I was so bored that I
thought I was dying.
-Not everyone gets
to be happy!
-Well, then quit!
I never told you to
sell Happy Farm.
I never told you to stay.
-I'm not gonna quit!
Because I am now in a situation
where people are
depending on me, and that
means something to me.
What do you want?
What do you want?
Just tell me.
-I want out.
-OK.
-Not out of this
marriage, Jeff.
I want out of this head!
I want out of this life.
-I get it.
It's fine.
Your wish is granted.
I am leaving.
[crying]
-Come here.
Come on.
Come here.
Come here.
[crying]
-Hey.
-Hey.
-So, I'm glad I saw you, I
really wanted to reach out,
but I also just wanted to
give you your space.
Also, tell you I'm so sorry.
-You know what, Rachel, I
haven't really been living in
Silver Lake that many years, but
where I come from in the
Palisades woman have
each other's backs.
-I think that's why I thought
that I could help her.
-OK, Rach, but you had
to know better.
Um, I meant to email you about
your room at Big Bear, for
your family.
I'm giving it to Amanda's family
because, you know, it's
gonna be awkward for the boy's
this time at the lake without
their dad, so just kind of have
to be really strong for
them, and I can't really do
that if you're there, so.
-Amanda.
Hey.
-Hi.
-I know I got really drunk the
other night and I know I said
some pretty awful things.
I didn't mean to call you--
-Kosher Amanda.
I'm actually not kosher.
-Oh, I think I just assumed.
-Sam keeps kosher, but
I love to cook.
I love to cook.
And there are so many things to
cook that are not kosher.
-But I do light the candles
on Friday nights.
I don't know why that gives me
such a bad rap around here.
Anyway.
So, I'll see you.
-I'm sorry.
You've reached Jeff.
Leave me a message.
[beep]
-I miss you so much.
Please come home.
-Did that feel better?
To be a pariah?
-I never felt like I fit in
with those moms anyway.
I mean, they don't work.
-You don't work either.
-I used to want to be
a war reporter.
-I remember.
-You do?
I said that, didn't I?
-Yes, you said it.
-Jeff acts like he
doesn't remember.
-Well, if you need evidence,
I take copious notes.
Sure it's in here.
-Jeff has been sleeping in Bo
and Stephanie's garage.
-Are you afraid he's
going to leave you?
-Yes.
-May I share something?
Portia and I broke up.
And I know this is
inappropriate.
-You know how you can be living
with someone and take
them for granted?
I did that with her.
The moment I met her, I said to
her, I want to be looking
at your eyes when I die.
-That is a lot for
a first date.
-That was the truth.
I didn't know what I
had when I had it.
I don't wanna start all over.
[sobbing]
-I don't wanna start all over.
[phone ringing]
JEFF (VOICEMAIL): Uh, hey.
You've reached Jeff.
[knocking]
-Jeff.
Je--
Hi.
Nice digs.
I'm sorry I threw a bomb in
the middle of our life.
Our beautiful life.
Does Bo have any weed?
Oh my god.
-Hey, Rach.
Um, in my head, I kinda put this
all on you, but I think I
was asleep, so I'm sorry.
-What day is it?
-Friday.
-Oh, we should light candles.
[singing in hebrew]
-What are you saying?
You have no idea what you're
saying, do you?
-You're supposed to
cover your eyes.
That I know.
-Both of us?
-Mhmm.
-OK.
Eyes are covered.
[MUSIC PLAYING - DIRTY
PROJECTORS,
"IMPREGNABLE QUESTION"]
-It's for you.
I put that together.
Do you wanna know how
long that took?
-No.
-Long time.
All right, Mr. Giraffe.
Have a safe trip.
Don't be too scared.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): Send
us a post card!
[MUSIC PLAYING - DIRTY
PROJECTORS,
"IMPREGNABLE QUESTION"]
STEPHANIE (OFFSCREEN): I can't
believe he didn't talk to her.
That's crazy.
RACHEL (OFFSCREEN): There
was nothing to say.
-How'd she look?
-She looked good.
-Yeah?
-She looked, well, the same.
She seems happy.
-Well, that's good.
Good.
Still dancing, huh?
-Still hoofing it.
[MUSIC PLAYING - DIRTY
PROJECTORS,
"IMPREGNABLE QUESTION"]
JEFF (OVER PHONE): Hey.
-Hi.
JEFF (OVER PHONE):
What's going on?
-What are you up to?
You wanna meet me at home?
JEFF (OVER PHONE): Uh, yes.
-I'll see you in like
seven minutes.
JEFF (OVER PHONE):
See you soon.
-We should put Bonnet out.
-Nah, let's let him stay.
Bonnet, this is how
humans do sex.
[MUSIC PLAYING - DIRTY
PROJECTORS,
"IMPREGNABLE QUESTION"]
JEFF (OVER PHONE): Faster.
-Look in my eyes.
Look at me.
I'm here.
[MUSIC PLAYING - JJAMZ,
"GET WHAT YOU WANT"]