All the World's a Stooge (1941) Movie Script

Boris, I'm overcome with joy.
I beg your pardon, madam.
I thought it was the heat.
You don't understand.
Can you keep a secret?
Of course you can.
Well, we soon gonna hear the patter
of baby feet around the house.
Let me be the first in congratulate you.
I've just been awarded a refugee.
A little waif from the war-torn
battlefields of... somewhere.
Isn't it splendid?
I can't imagine anything
more intriguing, madam.
Ow, my tooth is killing me.
Not now, Ajax, you must
have that tooth attended to.
I want you in a good humor
when our refugee arrives.
- Refugee?
- Yes, of course.
Isn't it wonderful?
Everybody's doing it, dear.
It's really quite the thing socially.
Dogs and cats aren't enough.
Now we have a haven for refugees!
- Now look at me!
- I haven't time.
Now you must go get that tooth pulled
while I go fix the nursery
for our little refugee.
Me dying with a toothache.
- Heave!
- Oh!
- Heave!
- Oh!
- Heave!
- Ho!
- Heave!
- Ho!
- Heave!
- Ho!
You nitwit!
You're supposed to be washing windows,
not taking dives off the scaffold!
Get up, Sleeping Beauty!
You've been on your back
since we got the job!
Come on!
Follow me!
I'm the boss, and I want you
to stop falling off to the scaffold.
Can I have something for born dizzy?
I'll dizzy you.
I didn't do nothing.
That's why I slugged you. Do something.
Get the water and wash
that window, right now!
We're sorry, Doc.
You idiots!
Just look how you turn off my office!
Oh, we'll clean the place up.
When I came back, I'll clean you up!
- Hurry!
- Quiet!
We'll probably get fired for this!
Get in here and clean
up this mess! Hurry up!
Come on.
Come on, make everything
spink and spank.
And get that other spot too.
Oh, this tooth is killing me.
You have to pull it, Doc.
You'll have to ome back later, buddy.
- The dentist...
- Later nothing.
Get busy and pull this tooth.
Go on, pull it.
Go ahead, Doc. Take a chance.
What do you got to lose?
Okay, buddy. It's your tooth.
And give me an anesthetic.
- Annie who?
- Anesthetic.
He means he wants to be knocked out.
Oh, a pleasure.
He's out.
You imbecile.
You knock him out before he told us
what tooth to pull.
Don't worry. I'll afford it.
Move over, Doc.
That's it.
Boy, you should have been a surveyor.
Oh, thanks. I bet you tell
that to all your interns.
I... This is your fault.
Go on, hold on him like I told you!
Hey Nijinsky, give me those clickers.
Now go on, hold on the man!
Hey, after all I'm the sturgeon.
Give me a little room!
I think I got something.
- Funny, eh?
- Yeah.
Now laugh this off.
Go on, hold onto him,
so I can pull that tooth.
Nothing doing.
From now on you do the hold on
and I'll do the pulling.
I hope you know what you're doing.
Give him a servillette.
I'll show you how to jerk a tooth.
Hey, what's the idea of the glasses?
I can't see without the glasses.
That's only in your mind.
I'll prove it to you.
Here. How many teeth in his mouth?
You're crazy. He's got a mouthful.
See? I told you, I need the glasses.
- See those teeth?
- What teeth?
Go on, get busy.
I can pull it blindfolded.
Hey fellas, I got a bite!
Pull away!
Oh, stubborn, eh?
I got it!
An octopus.
You stripped his gears.
Now we have got a problem.
Wait a minute.
Here's some cement.
We'll put his choppers
back before he wakes up.
Hold this.
Oh, jumping beans.
That ought to be enough.
Bring me those ivories
so I can put them back.
Put them back alive.
Hey, the cement's hardened.
What do we gonna do now?
Wait a minute.
Maybe you can drill it out with this.
What do you mean, "maybe"?
We ain't getting no place fast.
Think we'll have to blast.
Boy, that's an idea.
Let's get some powder.
Either you fire those
janitors or I'll move.
They're fired!
Hey, what are you doing?
Are you all right, Mr. Bullion?
Yeah, feels fine, Doc.
Gee, thanks. Send me your bill.
Come back here you guys!
Hey, what are you
fellas doing in my car?
We just escaped from a scaffold.
- Fugitives, eh?
- Now wait a minute.
He means we're refugees.
- Refugees?
- Yeah, that's it.
How would you boys like a nice home?
Home, James!
Come on.
Not a bad joint.
Remember, you're
supposed to be children,
just three dumb kids.
We get you, boss.
- Hey, I relent that.
- You relent what?
He called us "children".
Act your age.
- Leave him alone!
- Quiet.
Oh, a Jack the Ripper,
eh? Hitting little girls?
I have a surprise for you, dear.
Don't tell me you brought
me my little refugee?
Three of them.
- Where are they?
- Children.
This is Johnny, Frankie and Mabel.
They're precious.
Children, meet your new mammy.
Who darned our socks
and washed our shirts
when we were helpless, little squirts?
Who kept the buttons on our clothes?
Who scrubbed our ears and blew our nose?
Oh, mammy,
it's your little boy, Sammy,
coming home from Alabamy.
Put on those eggs and hammy.
Don't flimflam me, mammy.
Oh, mammy!
Are you hurt, dear?
Oh, mammy.
A luncheon is served, madam.
Eats! Come on!
Oh, I'm sorry, darling. Very sorry.
You nitwit. What would Emily Post say?
Come and get it.
Well, that's that.
Hey, where's the dessert?
Eat your spinach, children.
- Here, eat your spinach.
- I don't like spinach!
Why, you gonna eat it
whether you like it or not.
Where are my cigars?
I bought a new box yesterday.
You're smoking too much, dear.
I'm smoking too much? What...
Say, where are those refugees?
The little darlings.
They're upstairs playing
games with the butler.
- Come on, seven!
- Roll those bones!
Frankie needs a pair of shoes.
- Give me.
- Children!
Wait. Quick, hide the cigars.
Wait a minute. Here. Under here.
There, there, children.
- You may go back there.
- Yes, madam.
You've played long enough.
It's getting quite late.
- That's a coincidence.
- Yes, isn't it?
Now, children, I'll give you a milk,
so you get undressed
and get ready for bed.
Oh, no, not us.
We sleep with our clothes on.
Last time I took mine
off, I caught cold.
Oh, the idea.
It's getting warm in here.
- Wait! Hold still!
- What's going on here?
Quick, get some water!
Take it easy, sister.
Roll her up in this.
Come on. There we are.
Take it easy in there.
You're as snug as a bug in a rug.
Here's the water.
- Get it in there, boys.
- Hold it.
That's cold!
Hello down there! Are you out?
Yes, she says she's
out! Quick, get down!
Ready? Heave!
I know you're just all dying
to see my little refugees.
How are the precious darlings?
They're fine, except
Frankie. He has a little cold.
The butler will bring
them all down later.
How did that applehead get a cold?
He slept with his feet hanging
out the window last night.
He would.
What are you doing?
I got a cold. Mommy said
I should soak my feet.
She didn't tell you you soak
with your shoes on, did she?
Now look what you did!
How will I get rid of my cold?
Put some on that salve on your chest
and come right
downstairs! Make it snappy.
I believe I'm starting
to smell a little bit.
Oh, here's one of the children now.
Oh, Frankie, kid, I want
you to meet all my guests.
He's cute.
Can you recite something, Frankie?
Please do, Frankie.
Little fly upon a wall...
ain't you got no clothes at all?
Ain't you got no shimmy shirt?
Ain't you got no petty skirt?
Boo, fly, ain't you cold?
You're just as cute as you can be.
You're not bad yourself.
Wouldn't you like to go and meet
some of the other guests?
No, I like it here.
Frankie, come over here.
No, I don't want to.
Don't worry, I won't leave you.
Why, Frankie, what's the matter?
I just got a stabbing pain.
What's the matter? You got a cold too?
No. How's your cold?
Pretty good, but I still
don't smell so good.
I'll say you don't.
- Mommy!
-Johnny, come back here!
- Hey mommy! Mommy!
- Come back here!
Hello, folks. I was just...
playing with the children.
Yeah, let's play some more!
He got him!