Apartment Troubles (2014) Movie Script
1
You'll be happy to know it
was a complete disaster.
Wait, why are you dry?
Why wouldn't I be dry?
Were you just in the shower?
No.
- Who's in the shower?
- Who's in the shower?
First of the month, ladies.
- Oh, no.
- Man.
Why is it so dark in here?
Hey, We'll this is
obviously short.
I don't know.
Did you guys pay
the electric bill?
Um, I'm sorry.
We... we're choosing
not to have electricity.
It's a housing violation.
We don't want to be
a part of the problem, Bob.
You have to pay it.
There's no law that Says you have
to blow up mountains and frack.
This is $500 short. This is
the third month in a row.
All right?
That's a full month's rent.
I'm trying to turn
a profit here.
Apparently, I'm your friend.
You... you haven't even
returned my last four e-vites.
Well, we don't
have electricity, so...
Not okay.
It's just not okay.
Turn your back.
I've been working with
my energy healer, Steven,
and we have decided
that I can no longer
be an enabler anymore.
Call, We'll show up
to your party.
I have called you, all right?
I've left messages and you
have not returned my call.
There are a lot of people
who are interested
in illegal sublets, a lot.
There is a lawyer at my gym
who really wants this.
Do they not have
a shower at your gym?
Okay, I can't do this anymore.
I can't be supporting you girls.
We're done. We're done.
Pay me what you owe me
or you're out
by the end of the month.
You know what I want to know?
Why was this never an issue
when we were together?
- You keep mouthing off...
- You keep mouthing off.
Don't do what you're doing.
- Just a little fa...
- Have some integrity.
Uh, you have integrity, Bob.
- That's not...
- Bob.
Twenty days and I mean it.
Okay, you're gone.
I can't do this.
Steve told me.
What did Steve tell you?
Steve said... he said, cut.
- No!
- Cut, stop it. Let go.
No.
Ridiculous.
I gotta cut the cord.
Bob, more than one month.
You mouth off any more,
I'm making it 15 days.
- I'm going out.
- Are you hungry?
No, I don't need anything.
Just bring me an apple.
You see these fruits?
It's disgusting.
In my country,
the fruit was small.
Americans, they need to relax,
but they can't
because their fruit
is too aggressive.
- Huh.
- It's true.
Nicole?
Nicole, we have a notice.
What do I got to notice?
This is important.
This is important!
Shut the fuck up!
Take the gas mask off
and just come up here!
Not coming to you,
you come to me.
Fine! I'm gonna jump off
the fire escape.
Shut up!
You wouldn't.
I'm throwing myself
over the railing!
Just tell me what you want!
We're being evicted!
Good!
Please, no hydro fluorocarbons
in the house.
We pay most of his rent.
I touched this disgusting doorknob
outside and my hand's gone gimpy.
I have to wash it.
The cat is going in my bedroom!
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, God!
Try to speak to him
more diplomatically.
Oh, God.
Olivia, you know
how allergic I am.
Look how he looks at me!
Do you see the looks
that he gives me?
You see the worst in people!
You don't know your own cat!
I told you to just
keep it out of my room!
Over there!
- I can control him no more than
I can control the wind. - No!
And there's a very large chance
I may have an audition today.
So I'd really appreciate it
IF you would just
take it down a notch and not try
to throw me off my game so much
'cause I really
need to be centered.
Go! Go! Go!
I'm not having this
conversation with you anymore!
This is not an apple.
No.
I need a drink.
What are you...
You just drank mouthwash?
Ooh.
What is that?
I spilled.
Is this thing clicking?
I don't know.
Maybe It's the stove.
Olivia!
Eww.
Why worms, why?
Where are you going, worms?
What is up there?
- Oh, God!
- What is down here?
What do we do with the...
I told you we
shouldn't verma-compost.
Olivia, please stop with
the chopsticks, honey.
Stop... please stop
feeding them cheese.
They're lactose intolerant.
We can't treat them like this.
- This is a...
- Let go of this.
We're... we're going for a walk.
It's gonna be so nice out there.
Come on.
That lamp would be perfect.
No, we don't have electricity.
You're daring me.
- No, I'm not.
- I hate it when you do this.
I'm not daring you.
I'm not daring you.
- Oh.
- I do not want you to do this.
- Yes, you are.
- Get off the step.
You do not take lamps
from people's homes.
You can't do that.
Why are you always
doing things like this?
Stop it, you're gonna
break something.
Do not climb over there.
That is dangerous.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Shh.
- Got caught!
- What?
Oh, God.
Hey.
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Yeah.
Okay, I can do that.
All right.
Thank you, I'll be there.
Bye.
Got an audition.
What for?
Life insurance.
Oh.
What?
You don't want to do that.
You don't want to be
part of the problem.
I'm not.
Somebody needs to support us.
We need a benefactor.
What about your parents?
No.
Why don't you sell
one of your pieces then?
I told you,
they're not done yet.
Fine.
I'm getting muffins.
Do you want one?
The usual, IF they have it,
and IF not, blueberry.
Well, I didn't book
that job, either.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
Okay. Here's just
an idea.
Why don't you ask your
parents for more money?
I told you I've been
totally cut off.
Are they still your parents?
What kind of question is that?
It's just you're adopted
and they have so much money...
I know I'm adopted.
And IF they've cut you off,
I... I don't know. I'm sorry.
Listen, they're also... they're
petitioning to cut a lot of things!
They're trying to cut...
They're trying to cut
public radio! It's...
Okay, just take a...
Take a few deep breaths.
I think I'm just hungry.
We haven't eaten today.
I forgot the muffins.
Wait. Okay, I have a plan.
We're... we're on
a cleanse right now.
We've already begun it.
You see what I'm saying?
Sort of.
Okay. We have
not eaten today.
This is good.
- Wait, how does this work?
- We're cleansing.
We're just... our pores are just gonna
start letting stuff go when we...
It sounds very affordable.
I have no better ideas.
I think we should do this.
I'm very willing to try
anything you suggest right now
because I'm so starving.
Bob left a juicer here.
I think It's in the hall closet.
Yeah, see IF It's still there.
It's here!
Oh, It's heavy.
You know, I'm sorry about
what I said about your parents.
Olivia.
What?
Is he stuck?
Seagull, are you sleeping?
No. Oh my God.
I know.
It's okay, It's okay.
The Japanese, they call moments
like this mono no aware.
Why are you talking
about Japanese people?
Well, It's ephemerality
and that's a beautiful thing.
Ephemerality sucks.
Oh, seagull.
Do you see that?
What?
There's gold in his mouth.
It's like all the stuff
on your hands.
Why is he covered in gold?!
Olivia!
I've always known
you were selfish,
- but I never thought you would...
- I didn't!
Hate an animal and kill with it
with your own bare, golden hands!
I loved the cat!
You loved the cat?!
I... I didn't hate the cat.
I wouldn't kill.
You were jealous of the pure
love that he had for me.
Sorry, I don't... it...
He is seagull
and he's right here.
He's right here and I loved him.
Could you please call the vet?
Because I think They'll be
able to tell us what to do.
$150 is absurd for a cremation.
This doesn't feel right.
You're just socialized
to feel like this.
When I was in India,
this is how they honor the dead.
You free human souls
on the funeral pyre.
And IF It's good
enough for people...
I want to get out of this city.
I just could use
a break, you know?
I can't be here.
Not in the apartment.
Actually...
My dad has a private jet,
his company, that he's never on.
And, Frank the pilot,
he loves me.
There's a private jet
we could use to get away?
Yeah.
You really think
there's an option?
Check this out.
This is crazy.
- It's a sign.
- What is that?
That's literally a sign.
"That special something.
Do you have
a special talent?"
No, no. This is
my aunt Kimberly's show.
I found this today.
It's a reality talent show
and she lives in LA
and she's always saying
to come anytime.
Let's take a vacation.
I think seagull
would've wanted this.
Help us have a great weekend
in Los Angeles.
Can I wear your shirt
that you're wearing?
You want to wear this?
It's really pretty.
Showtime, folks.
Showtime, folks.
The time is showtime.
One time for you.
Hey, hey!
Hey!
Yeah!
Watch him.
Watch him!
That was our show.
New York City, where's the love?
What are you doing?
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
I've never done this before,
but, um,
those dancers were really great
and I just feel really
inspired right now.
I just wanted to talk
to you because, well,
Eleanor Roosevelt said, do something
every day that terrifies you.
And, um, I think
you're all really brave.
And a lot of you look like
you're coming home
from work right now.
I just want you to know
you're doing a really good job.
And I don't know
IF anybody's told you that,
but they should because...
I just lost someone really,
um, important to me.
He was one of my best friends
and it makes me realize
how precious everything is.
And, um,
do I seem weird right now?
In conclusion, um, well, I...
I wanted you to know
that I think the world
wants you to be happy.
And IF you're not feeling happy,
just hold your heart
and feel that you love yourself.
And, um, yeah, that's all
I wanted to say.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, I guess I left the phone
on during the flight.
How are we gonna get to
Kimberly's IF we can't call her?
Are you listening to me?
Just feeling really
sad about seagull.
Uh-huh.
I can't believe
he was alive yesterday.
Olivia...
Just feeling my feelings.
I know, but you cried,
like, the entire flight.
That's a six-hour flight.
That was six hours.
Can we focus right now
and just figure out
how to get to Kimberly's?
Isn't she picking us up?
I... I'm sure she would
IF we could call her.
Did you tell her we're coming?
She said, like, come anytime
so I just figured when...
Do you have money for a taxi?
I have $4.
Sir, uh, do you mind
IF we borrow your phone?
Sure, no problem.
What do you need?
Can't get the number
off this phone.
- Set it to...
- Never mind.
Do you need a ride?
That's okay.
You two look like nice people.
I mean, IF you know the address
and you want a ride,
I'll just drive you
wherever you're going.
Where you going?
521 waverly.
Yeah, that's fine.
Get in.
It's a stranger, Olivia.
He wants to help us.
It's a sign.
Not everything is
a sign from the universe.
It's all we have left now.
We have to have faith.
We have to start trusting.
I'll bring it,
but Debbie's gonna bring it.
There are gonna be
two footballs!
No, no, no, no!
Fine!
You are a Turkey!
You're a friggin' Turkey,
t-u-r-k-e-y.
You're a... We'll talk about
this later, Jesus Christ.
Oh, wow. I'm sorry.
That was my mom.
- Ugh.
- Really?
Where are you guys from?
New York City.
Oh, I love New York.
I live there.
That's where I live.
That's where I'm from.
It's a really small world.
It's tiny.
Oh, my God.
I don't think my mom is
gonna let me go back, though.
And that sucks.
That's too bad.
- I know.
- Why?
She's got something in her butt.
Well, you're a grown man.
I... yeah, I'm a grown man,
but I have a mommy still
and I listen to her.
I listen to what she Says.
- That's really sweet of you.
- Yeah, no, I know.
- You're a good son.
- I do what she wants.
She's a powerful lady
and she will spank me.
She will spank me hard.
She's getting older,
but she packs it, you know.
- Serious?
- Why?
- What?
- I'm just kidding.
It's a friggin' joke!
You got a sense of humor.
Are you feeling okay?
Yeah! Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Is she okay?
- Am I okay?
- Yeah. Are you okay?
You're just like my mom.
You got something in your butt
and It's not something
that makes you happy.
What is that?
It's China.
Um...
I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
It's an Adderall.
I take Adderall.
- You do?
- Yeah, I do.
It's good stuff, right?
Is yours, like,
prescribed or street?
It's prescribed.
Yeah, I got a doctor
on this shit.
Uh, that was a red light.
Oh, Oh!
I missed it.
I'm an adult and I
know when It's safe
to go through a frickin' red.
Jesus Christ.
Sometimes I'll stop
at a green, okay?
Oh, my God.
I want some candy.
But is it too late for candy?
Is it too late for candy?
I'm asking you a question.
Actually, you know what?
Can you just pull over?
No, no, no, no.
Door to door service
for you guys.
- It's fine.
- Seriously, we're close.
I'm even going
to carry your baggage.
- Uh, It's on...
- I'm a gentleman.
Can you just pull over,
please, sir, just here?
You said the address
was 521 waverly
and that is where
this car is going.
I am your knight
in shining armor.
Onward, miladies.
Jesus, you guys are
fucking pains in the ass.
I'm gonna close my eyes
for one second.
Tell me when it turns green.
Impeccable decision-making
skills, Olivia.
Hello?
Kimberly?
Who in the... ha... Oh.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
Hi. I came for a visit.
Well, I'm delighted,
but what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be
at the lake with your family.
Lake, what?
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hi.
Are they there right now?
Well, I thought that
they were going there.
- No?
- What?
Yes, your mom and dad
and Joan and the ki...
Oh. Now, don't get
upset about it.
I'm sure it was
just a last minute
kind of a nothing,
who cares, right?
No, Joan and the kids are there.
Who cares?
You're here, both of you.
And we are going
to have so much fun.
- Oh.
- Who's your friend?
- Olivia.
- Oliv... what?
No! Come in here,
come in here.
Oh, well, I haven't
seen you since you were
just a tiny little tater tot.
Yeah, back when
we were girl scouts.
- Are you girls hungry?
- I'm starving.
We're not eating.
We're on a cleanse.
Still?
Everyone, this is my niece,
Nicole,
and our wonderful
friend, Olivia.
Olivia, Nicole, these are
our neighbors, ray and Cindy.
And, of course,
you remember Uncle Robert.
Let me get these
nice big wine glasses.
Sorry to interrupt your dinner.
Oh, no.
Don't be silly.
Sit down here. I want you
right by me, Olivia.
Come on.
These hold plenty
of wine, trust me.
They can never be
big enough, right, Nicole?
You girls must be starved.
Have some dinner rolls.
We're not eating.
We're on a cleanse.
No, thank you, we're fine.
Nicole is an artist.
You are? What kind?
Well, I'm working with a lot
of sand right now 'cause...
'Cause It's movement really
portrays memories
and how they just slip
through your fingers.
And the past, it doesn't
really exist anymore.
And we stand on
this unsolid ground
like a shore waiting to be
washed back into the ocean.
The truth of everything
is ephemerality.
And sand is great.
It sounds great.
Her work used to
be about black holes.
It's nice to see that
you're lightening up a bit.
Would anyone like more kale?
When did they plan
this vacation?
I don't know, Nicole.
I know your mom
really needed to get away.
She was having another
one of her episodes.
The lake is like
an ashram for her.
Well, I'm very aware that
the lake is super relaxing.
Did you talk to them recently?
Is... how is everyone
liking their chicken.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my goodness!
Oh, look.
I'm such a klutz.
You're little shorts
are covered in wine.
Oh, get those off.
Thank you.
I have something
you could change into.
Lupe, put her into
the blue dress!
I like the outfit.
What... what... what is this,
a blanket off the plane?
What kind of outfit is this?
She is so funny.
Hey, Kim.
Come on, tell us.
What's it like being
the host to the country's
most popular TV show?
Oh, I can't wait
to tell you. I just love it.
It's the greatest experience
I've ever had professionally.
You know, just fostering
all of this creativity
and all of this
just so satisfying.
Oh, Oh!
Don't you look so cute?
She looks like you, doesn't she?
I guess she does.
Just like me five years ago.
So, miss Olivia,
what have you been doing
with yourself all this time?
Well, um, I've been
auditioning some recently.
You're a performer?
What kind?
I'm an actress.
Oh.
She also sings.
- Oh, sing for us.
- Not really.
She's shy.
Well, you can't be shy
and an actress.
Robert, where's my ukulele?
I don't know.
We could just
do it another time.
Oh, come on. Have a
little bit of red wine.
Past those tonsils,
You'll be singing
like Liza minnelli in a minute.
What do you want me to sing?
Okay.
Um, I'll start.
- Bravo, bravo!
- Yay!
Oh, fantastic!
We should audition for my show.
I'm kidding, but,
well, you should.
I mean, you should
audition for my show.
She is not interested
in appealing to the masses.
She's like...
She's an artist.
Look at that picture of
that adorable little girl.
- Oh, ye... Oh, yes.
- Who's that?
Oh, my goodness.
Is that you, Nicole?
- Simply adorable, isn't it?
- Sure is.
Just adorable little child, huh?
You look like such
a sweet little girl.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
So can we have a little
heart to heart?
Sure.
Why are you here?
Are you here
because she needs help?
Because her family just doesn't
know what to do anymore.
I mean, honestly.
She's become so eccentric
at such a young age.
You know, I think
she's really unique.
She's doing something special.
I wish you could
see our apartment.
It's like a gallery.
Well, It's really nice and very
reassuring to hear you say that.
But I don't know.
I think her family
actually didn't invite her
to the lake on purpose.
You know, her sister doesn't
want her around the kids.
Well, she's really not
the best role model,
when you stop
and think about it.
I just wanted to be sure that,
you know, she's not
in some kind of trouble.
And I wanted to be sure that she's
not making you take care of her.
No, um, no,
she's not in any trouble.
Where is she, actually?
She's probably
watching television
or... you're so tense.
Come here.
Listen.
She doesn't
actually like television.
You're so sweet.
I just want to make sure that someone
is taking care of you, right?
- She's not gonna change any time soon.
- Okay.
Well, I'm gonna go find her.
- So thanks.
- Thank you.
Whatever you have to do.
Please help Nicole.
- What...
- Don't scream.
Shh, shh. Wake up.
Are you awake?
Okay. We have to get out
of here very quietly.
Somebody's breaking in.
I think It's the guy
who drove us here.
I was sleeping.
Shh, now you're not going
to be murdered in your sleep.
- You're gonna be murdered awake.
- Why?
I told you, because
somebody is breaking in.
- Oh!
- We have to get out of here.
I think It's the guy
who drove us here
'cause you told him our address.
- Who?
- Oh, God!
I heard something.
Did you hear anything?
No.
Shh, It's real.
My projects aren't finished.
Oh, no!
Oh, my God!
Save the children!
Olivia, what is going...
- Kimberly!
- Idiot.
Is Nicole in there?
What the fuck are
you doing out there?!
You're all over the place!
Well, I just wanted to be sure
that everyone was hydrated.
I went to get
you some coconut water.
Sorry to disturb you.
We have everything we need,
Kimberly. Thank you.
Yes, that seems clear.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
Forgot my toothbrush.
I forgot a toothbrush, too.
You brought this?
Yeah.
And no toothbrush.
But I did bring
the phone charger.
You should be charging it.
Eh, later.
You know how you're always
saying you are worried
you might die in
relative obscurity?
Mm-hmm.
Well, there is a way,
I think, maybe tomorrow,
we can do something about that.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about reaching
the largest audience
in the United States of America
on a television talent
reality show.
Are you talking about
"that special something?"
Yeah. Your aunt
suggested it.
I think It's a great idea.
I've been thinking about it.
It's so soulless.
Okay, but I can't do it alone
and I think It's gonna be
really good for you and...
It's gonna be a no.
But this could be
a big opportunity.
Could we just spoon?
Could you just roll over
so I can spoon with you?
I'll just be...
You're the big spoon.
You just roll over
a little tiny...
Just do it better.
It's hot!
It's... It's really hot.
I'm just sad about seagull.
It's okay.
I'm holding my heart and
feeling that I love myself.
I'm fine.
Well, anyone like
some breakfast?
How do you like burnt flapjacks?
No, we're still cleansing.
So...
How did everyone sleep last
night after so much excitement?
Kind of tossed and turned,
but I don't know.
My cat just died
so I think maybe that's why.
Oh, when?
Just, like, two days ago.
Oh, my God!
It's just weighing on me.
Oh. Well, that
explains a lot.
But I was also up thinking about
your show and maybe auditioning?
Well, do it! Do!
Nicole, she doesn't
want to do it with me.
You don't need Nicole.
We gotta get some toothbrushes.
Oh, God.
Robert, get out your wallet.
Yes, dear.
May I have a 20, please?
- I got a...
- A 20.
I see it in there.
They have tarot
readings here for 5 bucks.
It's actually really reasonable.
Okay, let's see what
the cards have to say.
You lost someone recently?
Yeah.
He's still with you and
we wants you not to worry.
Is he a bird?
No, sort of.
- Huh.
- But no, yeah.
And the moon.
This card is connected
to dreams and the unconscious.
The moon provides
the reflection of the sun.
- Yeah.
- But the light is dim.
It's uncertain.
Ah. The magician.
It has to do with power.
Unused power is
nonexistent power.
We don't have electricity
in our apartment.
I wonder IF it could have
something to do with that, maybe?
I'm talking about
the electricity inside.
The electricity inside you.
Everything you have
has to be destroyed
for you to go to the next step.
There's the moon.
It's time to put
your art out in the world.
It's time.
That was crazy.
Was yours crazy?
It was like she knew everything.
Listen, IF you need me
to audition with you,
I will do it.
I'm not gonna sing with you.
And I have a piece
that's not finished,
but maybe we could
experiment with it.
What did she say to you?
She said I had to share.
Oh, let's get these guys.
Ladies, ladies!
I already sense a
little special something
emanating from you two.
What can we expect
from you guys today?
What do you mean?
The people want to know
what to expect from you.
I don't think people
should know what to expect.
Okay.
Um, is there anything you
want to say for yourself?
Is there anything you'd like
to say to anybody back home?
Thank you.
Good luck.
Holy cow.
Is something funny over there?
Are you taking
the audition seriously?
Are you taking
the audition seriously?
Uh, I'm not auditioning, she is.
Oh.
Are you singing?
Yeah.
Singing about lip gloss and
the boys that go into the yard?
Uh, she's really talented.
She has been miss
teen Arizona twice.
Yeah, I'm singing
"my heart will go on"
and dedicating it to my mom
who died when I was little.
You're saying
that before you sing?
Yeah.
Do you think that
there's a correlation
between winning the pageants
and sharing your
personal tragedy?
What is your problem?
What is your problem?
- You're being a bitch.
- You're being a bitch.
Well, you look like
a cheap imitation of kesha.
Oh, my God.
She's an artist.
- Oh, my God.
- What... what?!
- What... get off!
- Get her off!
- Simmer down!
- Olivia!
- Olivia!
- Fuck!
Tiger.
Is that the Adderall?
You can't beat up girls
with dead moms.
That was the other girl.
It's true.
That was totally justified.
Yeah. Those girls sucked.
We're gonna crush them.
And IF you felt that way,
I guess that's understandable.
But thank you anyway and,
uh, thanks for the opportunity.
Hmm.
Well, thank you
for having us. Hello.
Uh, We'll just take
a few minutes to set up
and then We'll be performing
excerpts from
Anton Chekov's "the seagull"
along with some stuff that
we wrote ourselves.
Not to get expectations up,
but I have heard this one sing.
And it was a bit of a treat.
This should be interesting.
This is the universe we live in.
I was afraid you might hate me.
It came into being with
a big bang
that caused this universe
we call home to expand
for the past
13.7 billion years.
Do you hear the wind?
The earth has been
around for 4.5 billion years,
give or take
.5 billion years.
Blessed is he who has a roof
over his head on such a night.
Sleeping in his own warm corner.
Human beings have been here
for about 200,000 years.
May the lord help
all homeless wanderers.
This cat was born
on October 25th, 2007.
I am the seagull.
He died this week.
No, that's not right.
The average American
lives to be 79.
That's 28,470 days,
683,280 hours,
40,996,800 minutes.
Ever since I got here, I've
been walking and thinking.
Thinking and feeling my inner
life grow stronger every day.
The important thing
is not fame or glory.
It's not what
I used to dream about.
But learning how to endure.
How long will you live?
IF you were born in 1980
and live an average life,
you will die around 2059.
Life is like a mist.
I must bear my cost
and have faith.
IF I have faith,
it doesn't hurt so much.
And the feelings we have
for each other
are like fine delicate flowers.
Do you remember?
I am the seagull.
Um...
No. That's not...
- Nicole?
- What?
What are my lines?
- I don't know.
- I forgot my lines.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
Men, lions, eagles, partridges.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
- Shh.
- What?
No, no!
Just... that's ridicu...
Uh, uh, just give me a...
A moment to focus.
Stop it, stop it!
Ow, ow!
Ow!
Men, lions...
Hmm.
What was the year of your death, boys?
Did you figure it out?
Ugh.
Uh, about five minutes ago.
Mine is 2039.
I think I understand
what you're trying to say
and I see a certain
beauty in it.
Of course you would.
You guys have something special,
but It's not "that
special something."
It's more like
that special nothing.
Give it!
Off of it!
This is very different way
that this is going down
than what I
thought would happen.
I'm not entirely sure
what plan...
Why did you do that?
Because your teeny
tiny therapist
didn't seem to be
making progress with you.
I humiliated myself in front of the
judges and basically all of America.
I just don't know why you
care what those assholes think.
The judges for America
see nothing special in me.
They don't even like me.
I don't think you even like me.
It's like you're trying
to sabotage me.
It's like that thing you
did with the feather bomb.
I want you to shut
your fucking face.
I didn't even want
to do this thing.
You begged me to do it,
'cause you're needy.
You're just not comfortable
with the depth of my feelings.
No, because every time
I turn around,
you're like right there!
You're cling... It's like, God,
IF I feel your breath
on my skin anymore,
I'm gonna vomit.
You need to, like, get
a boyfriend or something.
This was supposed
to be a vacation.
This feels like
a vacation to you?
You know, I sure as shit...
I don't feel like
I'm on vacation.
Not when I'm around you
and these feelings of yours.
And I could have
been on a vacation.
I could've been on
a real vacation on a lake
with my family
on a fucking lake.
And for some... I don't know why,
they didn't want me there.
No, Olivia, please!
Don't touch me!
You know what?
I think It's a good thing
that we're being evicted
'cause I don't think that
I can live with you anymore.
You go for a swim?
I'd like to go for a swim.
Go.
It's too cold.
I want to go back
to New York tonight.
There's a lot of stuff
to deal with there.
Flight's in the morning.
I'm not comfortable staying
at your aunt Kimberly's again.
She's making us food.
I thought we were on a cleanse.
Well, I don't know
what you're gonna do.
You're gonna leave without me?
All right. I might.
I might have done it once.
I might have done it once.
You gotta slow down.
I've never seen anyone
eat so much.
I feel like I'm watching one of those
pie-eating contests or something.
That would be fun.
I'd do one of those.
Probably, I'd win it.
Oh, you would...
You would never win it.
Well, why don't you look it up
and then tell me what
kind of records there are.
- Oh, my God.
- And I'm gonna beat them.
How would I know IF I
win in a pie...
Just look it up on your phone
and tell me what kind of like...
- You're afraid.
- People train...
Dare me.
For years and years
to do a pie-eating contest.
They do?
Yes.
Why, do they win a lot of money?
- I...
- Do they?
I'm not paying you any money,
IF that's what you're
insinuating.
Wait a minute.
Hmm?
How much will you pay me?
Nothing.
I'll pay you zero money.
All right. Wait,
wait, wait, wait.
We're gonna make
this the situation.
IF I can eat this whole
thing in under ten...
- You will never...
- Shh.
IF I can eat this in
under ten seconds,
will you give me $1,000?
You'll never eat that
in under ten seconds.
Will you?
Well, Oh, and what do I get
when you lose, I'm wondering?
I'll give you one of my pieces.
Oh, really.
They're selling
for $1,000 these days?
They're gonna sell for hundreds
of thousands of dollars.
- Uh-Oh.
- Put your money where your mouth is.
Ten, nine... okay,
but start at ten.
I'm doing it.
Ten, nine, eight.
Oh, God, seven, six, five,
four, three,
two, one.
Ugh.
Not even close.
Uh, you were counting
faster than seconds.
You know, this is my home.
All right.
- That is half.
- Oh, God.
And It's worth 500.
It's gonna cost me $500 to
get my living room cleaned.
Give me... shut up!
Shut your face!
Give me 500 more
and I'm gonna eat
anything on this table.
You tell me...
So I take it
you girls need money?
No.
Oh, come on.
You can tell me.
I mean, I wouldn't trust
this one with any money.
I should get her to bed.
Oh, don't.
Look.
No, leave her be.
She's fine.
Listen, listen.
I need to tell you
something very important.
I used to be just like you
until I figured out
who I really was.
Oh, gosh, this headache of mine.
Thank you so much.
This was very nice
and I... good night.
And thank you.
I brought you something
for your head.
Olivia, what are you doing
out on the lawn, you silly?
Darling Olivia.
You must wake up
for your own good.
- Oh, God.
- Oh!
Oh, my God.
Just like children.
Oh, we're so free, finally.
Finally, darling, please.
There's something
I have to tell you.
All right, what is it?
You're wonderful, but I'm in
a relationship with Nicole.
And we're very much in love.
Olivia, I know, all right?
I know.
I should've told you sooner,
but I know that you want her
and she's not in love with you.
Yes, darling.
She told me everything.
She told me that
she felt sorry for you.
I'm sorry, darling. I...
I'm sorry.
You know she had
to say that to you.
- No.
- She was afraid.
She didn't know how
the family would take it.
But she and I have
something very beautiful
and it only shows in
a one-sided way with me.
But really,
a two-sided relationship.
I mean, we are...
It's not one-sided.
It's two-sided
and she and I
are in this closed
loop embrace forever.
And I would never want
to do anything to hurt her.
I hope you understand that.
Of course, I do.
Olivia, I'm so sorry.
I never would've
opened myself to you
in this way IF I'd known.
Olivia, goodbye, darling.
Goodbye.
Wake up!
You made me have to lie
to your aunt Kimberly.
Please, will you go get me a water?
The room is spinning.
I need you to hear me.
You're taking me to the
airport in a taxi that
you're paying for first
thing in the morning.
Will you please get me water?
Do you want water? Here,
I'll give you some water.
- Do you want this?
- Yeah.
Do you want this water?
Pack your shit.
Hi.
Remember me?
Last time you saw me,
I was a licensed car driver.
I'm not anymore.
It's probably a good thing.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, I must've terrified you.
I was out of my mind.
Want a... a piece of licorice?
That's okay.
Licorice?
You know what I did?
I... I think I took ativan
and Lunesta with maybe
like three airplane
bottles of whiskey.
But I'm just... I'm...
I'm really afraid to fly.
You also took an Adderall.
Yeah, yeah. Sounds like
something I would do.
Adderall is pretty crazy.
It's crazy stuff, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I started bottoming
out when it wears off.
Whenever I take it, like,
it helps me at first
and then I completely unravel.
I almost punched a girl.
You should've taken a Lunesta.
Yeah, it really cuts down
on the urge to clock people.
I was in town visiting my mom.
You mentioned
something about that.
I guess you just have
to hit rock bottom
before you can stand back up.
IF that make any sense?
Yeah.
And my mom has really
helped me to hit
rock bottom
the last couple days.
How was LA?
What'd you do?
I buried my cat at sea.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
Lucky cat to have spent one
of his nine lives with you.
Did we forget to lock the door?
I don't know.
Bob, that better
be you in there.
I think we were robbed.
Oh, my God.
Is that electricity?
Oh, hey, guys.
Is this our stuff?
You didn't get my message, huh?
I called you guys about a
hundred times and texted you.
No, we didn't get any messages.
Oh, shit. 'Cause IF you
would've gotten messages,
you would've known what
was, uh, going on here.
What is going on?
Uh, I found some people
who are willing
to pay three times what you do.
God, we didn't charge this.
Oh, man, sorry.
I wasn't here.
I guess the, uh,
movers thought your...
Your stuff was garbage
or something.
I'm sorry.
She's losing it.
What are we supposed to do?
Well, the new tenants
are not coming till Tuesday
so you have till Tuesday.
- That's tomorrow.
- Uh-huh.
And you said we had 28 days.
Yeah. Look, honestly,
they're paying me three
times what you're paying.
I mean, give me
a break, all right?
I mean, I... I had to...
You can't do it.
It's illegal.
Well, uh, this is an
illegal sublet, you know.
Hey, don't break my balls, okay.
I need to make a profit here.
Hey, It's Bob.
Can you pick up your phone?
It's urgent.
Guess who should
be better connected?
Not my fault.
Hi, Olivia.
Great news.
We loved the life
insurance commercial.
It's gonna shoot for
about a week in Ohio
so we have to
arrange your flight.
Give me a call back.
You just got a commercial.
It's a national commercial.
Uh-Oh, uh-Oh!
Who's an actress?
Who's going to Ohio?
Wow. Told you.
Plug in your fucking phone!
Ohio.
Wow.
All right, come on,
come on. Shake it off.
Big girl, come on.
Big girl.
There you go.
One door closes,
another opens, huh?
How you doing?
Hey, you want
to crash on my couch?
You sleep on your couch.
All right.
You sleep on the floor.
All right,
I'll sleep on the floor.
We'll both sleep on the floor.
I'm sorry.
So...
I can, uh, start
looking for places,
I guess, for when you come back.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
All life will end its
allotted round and be no more.
And then the full moon
will be left
lighting her lamp in vain.
You'll be happy to know it
was a complete disaster.
Wait, why are you dry?
Why wouldn't I be dry?
Were you just in the shower?
No.
- Who's in the shower?
- Who's in the shower?
First of the month, ladies.
- Oh, no.
- Man.
Why is it so dark in here?
Hey, We'll this is
obviously short.
I don't know.
Did you guys pay
the electric bill?
Um, I'm sorry.
We... we're choosing
not to have electricity.
It's a housing violation.
We don't want to be
a part of the problem, Bob.
You have to pay it.
There's no law that Says you have
to blow up mountains and frack.
This is $500 short. This is
the third month in a row.
All right?
That's a full month's rent.
I'm trying to turn
a profit here.
Apparently, I'm your friend.
You... you haven't even
returned my last four e-vites.
Well, we don't
have electricity, so...
Not okay.
It's just not okay.
Turn your back.
I've been working with
my energy healer, Steven,
and we have decided
that I can no longer
be an enabler anymore.
Call, We'll show up
to your party.
I have called you, all right?
I've left messages and you
have not returned my call.
There are a lot of people
who are interested
in illegal sublets, a lot.
There is a lawyer at my gym
who really wants this.
Do they not have
a shower at your gym?
Okay, I can't do this anymore.
I can't be supporting you girls.
We're done. We're done.
Pay me what you owe me
or you're out
by the end of the month.
You know what I want to know?
Why was this never an issue
when we were together?
- You keep mouthing off...
- You keep mouthing off.
Don't do what you're doing.
- Just a little fa...
- Have some integrity.
Uh, you have integrity, Bob.
- That's not...
- Bob.
Twenty days and I mean it.
Okay, you're gone.
I can't do this.
Steve told me.
What did Steve tell you?
Steve said... he said, cut.
- No!
- Cut, stop it. Let go.
No.
Ridiculous.
I gotta cut the cord.
Bob, more than one month.
You mouth off any more,
I'm making it 15 days.
- I'm going out.
- Are you hungry?
No, I don't need anything.
Just bring me an apple.
You see these fruits?
It's disgusting.
In my country,
the fruit was small.
Americans, they need to relax,
but they can't
because their fruit
is too aggressive.
- Huh.
- It's true.
Nicole?
Nicole, we have a notice.
What do I got to notice?
This is important.
This is important!
Shut the fuck up!
Take the gas mask off
and just come up here!
Not coming to you,
you come to me.
Fine! I'm gonna jump off
the fire escape.
Shut up!
You wouldn't.
I'm throwing myself
over the railing!
Just tell me what you want!
We're being evicted!
Good!
Please, no hydro fluorocarbons
in the house.
We pay most of his rent.
I touched this disgusting doorknob
outside and my hand's gone gimpy.
I have to wash it.
The cat is going in my bedroom!
No!
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, God!
Try to speak to him
more diplomatically.
Oh, God.
Olivia, you know
how allergic I am.
Look how he looks at me!
Do you see the looks
that he gives me?
You see the worst in people!
You don't know your own cat!
I told you to just
keep it out of my room!
Over there!
- I can control him no more than
I can control the wind. - No!
And there's a very large chance
I may have an audition today.
So I'd really appreciate it
IF you would just
take it down a notch and not try
to throw me off my game so much
'cause I really
need to be centered.
Go! Go! Go!
I'm not having this
conversation with you anymore!
This is not an apple.
No.
I need a drink.
What are you...
You just drank mouthwash?
Ooh.
What is that?
I spilled.
Is this thing clicking?
I don't know.
Maybe It's the stove.
Olivia!
Eww.
Why worms, why?
Where are you going, worms?
What is up there?
- Oh, God!
- What is down here?
What do we do with the...
I told you we
shouldn't verma-compost.
Olivia, please stop with
the chopsticks, honey.
Stop... please stop
feeding them cheese.
They're lactose intolerant.
We can't treat them like this.
- This is a...
- Let go of this.
We're... we're going for a walk.
It's gonna be so nice out there.
Come on.
That lamp would be perfect.
No, we don't have electricity.
You're daring me.
- No, I'm not.
- I hate it when you do this.
I'm not daring you.
I'm not daring you.
- Oh.
- I do not want you to do this.
- Yes, you are.
- Get off the step.
You do not take lamps
from people's homes.
You can't do that.
Why are you always
doing things like this?
Stop it, you're gonna
break something.
Do not climb over there.
That is dangerous.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
Shh.
- Got caught!
- What?
Oh, God.
Hey.
Hello?
Oh, hi.
Yeah.
Okay, I can do that.
All right.
Thank you, I'll be there.
Bye.
Got an audition.
What for?
Life insurance.
Oh.
What?
You don't want to do that.
You don't want to be
part of the problem.
I'm not.
Somebody needs to support us.
We need a benefactor.
What about your parents?
No.
Why don't you sell
one of your pieces then?
I told you,
they're not done yet.
Fine.
I'm getting muffins.
Do you want one?
The usual, IF they have it,
and IF not, blueberry.
Well, I didn't book
that job, either.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
Okay. Here's just
an idea.
Why don't you ask your
parents for more money?
I told you I've been
totally cut off.
Are they still your parents?
What kind of question is that?
It's just you're adopted
and they have so much money...
I know I'm adopted.
And IF they've cut you off,
I... I don't know. I'm sorry.
Listen, they're also... they're
petitioning to cut a lot of things!
They're trying to cut...
They're trying to cut
public radio! It's...
Okay, just take a...
Take a few deep breaths.
I think I'm just hungry.
We haven't eaten today.
I forgot the muffins.
Wait. Okay, I have a plan.
We're... we're on
a cleanse right now.
We've already begun it.
You see what I'm saying?
Sort of.
Okay. We have
not eaten today.
This is good.
- Wait, how does this work?
- We're cleansing.
We're just... our pores are just gonna
start letting stuff go when we...
It sounds very affordable.
I have no better ideas.
I think we should do this.
I'm very willing to try
anything you suggest right now
because I'm so starving.
Bob left a juicer here.
I think It's in the hall closet.
Yeah, see IF It's still there.
It's here!
Oh, It's heavy.
You know, I'm sorry about
what I said about your parents.
Olivia.
What?
Is he stuck?
Seagull, are you sleeping?
No. Oh my God.
I know.
It's okay, It's okay.
The Japanese, they call moments
like this mono no aware.
Why are you talking
about Japanese people?
Well, It's ephemerality
and that's a beautiful thing.
Ephemerality sucks.
Oh, seagull.
Do you see that?
What?
There's gold in his mouth.
It's like all the stuff
on your hands.
Why is he covered in gold?!
Olivia!
I've always known
you were selfish,
- but I never thought you would...
- I didn't!
Hate an animal and kill with it
with your own bare, golden hands!
I loved the cat!
You loved the cat?!
I... I didn't hate the cat.
I wouldn't kill.
You were jealous of the pure
love that he had for me.
Sorry, I don't... it...
He is seagull
and he's right here.
He's right here and I loved him.
Could you please call the vet?
Because I think They'll be
able to tell us what to do.
$150 is absurd for a cremation.
This doesn't feel right.
You're just socialized
to feel like this.
When I was in India,
this is how they honor the dead.
You free human souls
on the funeral pyre.
And IF It's good
enough for people...
I want to get out of this city.
I just could use
a break, you know?
I can't be here.
Not in the apartment.
Actually...
My dad has a private jet,
his company, that he's never on.
And, Frank the pilot,
he loves me.
There's a private jet
we could use to get away?
Yeah.
You really think
there's an option?
Check this out.
This is crazy.
- It's a sign.
- What is that?
That's literally a sign.
"That special something.
Do you have
a special talent?"
No, no. This is
my aunt Kimberly's show.
I found this today.
It's a reality talent show
and she lives in LA
and she's always saying
to come anytime.
Let's take a vacation.
I think seagull
would've wanted this.
Help us have a great weekend
in Los Angeles.
Can I wear your shirt
that you're wearing?
You want to wear this?
It's really pretty.
Showtime, folks.
Showtime, folks.
The time is showtime.
One time for you.
Hey, hey!
Hey!
Yeah!
Watch him.
Watch him!
That was our show.
New York City, where's the love?
What are you doing?
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
I've never done this before,
but, um,
those dancers were really great
and I just feel really
inspired right now.
I just wanted to talk
to you because, well,
Eleanor Roosevelt said, do something
every day that terrifies you.
And, um, I think
you're all really brave.
And a lot of you look like
you're coming home
from work right now.
I just want you to know
you're doing a really good job.
And I don't know
IF anybody's told you that,
but they should because...
I just lost someone really,
um, important to me.
He was one of my best friends
and it makes me realize
how precious everything is.
And, um,
do I seem weird right now?
In conclusion, um, well, I...
I wanted you to know
that I think the world
wants you to be happy.
And IF you're not feeling happy,
just hold your heart
and feel that you love yourself.
And, um, yeah, that's all
I wanted to say.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh, I guess I left the phone
on during the flight.
How are we gonna get to
Kimberly's IF we can't call her?
Are you listening to me?
Just feeling really
sad about seagull.
Uh-huh.
I can't believe
he was alive yesterday.
Olivia...
Just feeling my feelings.
I know, but you cried,
like, the entire flight.
That's a six-hour flight.
That was six hours.
Can we focus right now
and just figure out
how to get to Kimberly's?
Isn't she picking us up?
I... I'm sure she would
IF we could call her.
Did you tell her we're coming?
She said, like, come anytime
so I just figured when...
Do you have money for a taxi?
I have $4.
Sir, uh, do you mind
IF we borrow your phone?
Sure, no problem.
What do you need?
Can't get the number
off this phone.
- Set it to...
- Never mind.
Do you need a ride?
That's okay.
You two look like nice people.
I mean, IF you know the address
and you want a ride,
I'll just drive you
wherever you're going.
Where you going?
521 waverly.
Yeah, that's fine.
Get in.
It's a stranger, Olivia.
He wants to help us.
It's a sign.
Not everything is
a sign from the universe.
It's all we have left now.
We have to have faith.
We have to start trusting.
I'll bring it,
but Debbie's gonna bring it.
There are gonna be
two footballs!
No, no, no, no!
Fine!
You are a Turkey!
You're a friggin' Turkey,
t-u-r-k-e-y.
You're a... We'll talk about
this later, Jesus Christ.
Oh, wow. I'm sorry.
That was my mom.
- Ugh.
- Really?
Where are you guys from?
New York City.
Oh, I love New York.
I live there.
That's where I live.
That's where I'm from.
It's a really small world.
It's tiny.
Oh, my God.
I don't think my mom is
gonna let me go back, though.
And that sucks.
That's too bad.
- I know.
- Why?
She's got something in her butt.
Well, you're a grown man.
I... yeah, I'm a grown man,
but I have a mommy still
and I listen to her.
I listen to what she Says.
- That's really sweet of you.
- Yeah, no, I know.
- You're a good son.
- I do what she wants.
She's a powerful lady
and she will spank me.
She will spank me hard.
She's getting older,
but she packs it, you know.
- Serious?
- Why?
- What?
- I'm just kidding.
It's a friggin' joke!
You got a sense of humor.
Are you feeling okay?
Yeah! Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Is she okay?
- Am I okay?
- Yeah. Are you okay?
You're just like my mom.
You got something in your butt
and It's not something
that makes you happy.
What is that?
It's China.
Um...
I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
It's an Adderall.
I take Adderall.
- You do?
- Yeah, I do.
It's good stuff, right?
Is yours, like,
prescribed or street?
It's prescribed.
Yeah, I got a doctor
on this shit.
Uh, that was a red light.
Oh, Oh!
I missed it.
I'm an adult and I
know when It's safe
to go through a frickin' red.
Jesus Christ.
Sometimes I'll stop
at a green, okay?
Oh, my God.
I want some candy.
But is it too late for candy?
Is it too late for candy?
I'm asking you a question.
Actually, you know what?
Can you just pull over?
No, no, no, no.
Door to door service
for you guys.
- It's fine.
- Seriously, we're close.
I'm even going
to carry your baggage.
- Uh, It's on...
- I'm a gentleman.
Can you just pull over,
please, sir, just here?
You said the address
was 521 waverly
and that is where
this car is going.
I am your knight
in shining armor.
Onward, miladies.
Jesus, you guys are
fucking pains in the ass.
I'm gonna close my eyes
for one second.
Tell me when it turns green.
Impeccable decision-making
skills, Olivia.
Hello?
Kimberly?
Who in the... ha... Oh.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?
Hi. I came for a visit.
Well, I'm delighted,
but what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be
at the lake with your family.
Lake, what?
- Hello.
- Hi.
Hi.
Are they there right now?
Well, I thought that
they were going there.
- No?
- What?
Yes, your mom and dad
and Joan and the ki...
Oh. Now, don't get
upset about it.
I'm sure it was
just a last minute
kind of a nothing,
who cares, right?
No, Joan and the kids are there.
Who cares?
You're here, both of you.
And we are going
to have so much fun.
- Oh.
- Who's your friend?
- Olivia.
- Oliv... what?
No! Come in here,
come in here.
Oh, well, I haven't
seen you since you were
just a tiny little tater tot.
Yeah, back when
we were girl scouts.
- Are you girls hungry?
- I'm starving.
We're not eating.
We're on a cleanse.
Still?
Everyone, this is my niece,
Nicole,
and our wonderful
friend, Olivia.
Olivia, Nicole, these are
our neighbors, ray and Cindy.
And, of course,
you remember Uncle Robert.
Let me get these
nice big wine glasses.
Sorry to interrupt your dinner.
Oh, no.
Don't be silly.
Sit down here. I want you
right by me, Olivia.
Come on.
These hold plenty
of wine, trust me.
They can never be
big enough, right, Nicole?
You girls must be starved.
Have some dinner rolls.
We're not eating.
We're on a cleanse.
No, thank you, we're fine.
Nicole is an artist.
You are? What kind?
Well, I'm working with a lot
of sand right now 'cause...
'Cause It's movement really
portrays memories
and how they just slip
through your fingers.
And the past, it doesn't
really exist anymore.
And we stand on
this unsolid ground
like a shore waiting to be
washed back into the ocean.
The truth of everything
is ephemerality.
And sand is great.
It sounds great.
Her work used to
be about black holes.
It's nice to see that
you're lightening up a bit.
Would anyone like more kale?
When did they plan
this vacation?
I don't know, Nicole.
I know your mom
really needed to get away.
She was having another
one of her episodes.
The lake is like
an ashram for her.
Well, I'm very aware that
the lake is super relaxing.
Did you talk to them recently?
Is... how is everyone
liking their chicken.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my goodness!
Oh, look.
I'm such a klutz.
You're little shorts
are covered in wine.
Oh, get those off.
Thank you.
I have something
you could change into.
Lupe, put her into
the blue dress!
I like the outfit.
What... what... what is this,
a blanket off the plane?
What kind of outfit is this?
She is so funny.
Hey, Kim.
Come on, tell us.
What's it like being
the host to the country's
most popular TV show?
Oh, I can't wait
to tell you. I just love it.
It's the greatest experience
I've ever had professionally.
You know, just fostering
all of this creativity
and all of this
just so satisfying.
Oh, Oh!
Don't you look so cute?
She looks like you, doesn't she?
I guess she does.
Just like me five years ago.
So, miss Olivia,
what have you been doing
with yourself all this time?
Well, um, I've been
auditioning some recently.
You're a performer?
What kind?
I'm an actress.
Oh.
She also sings.
- Oh, sing for us.
- Not really.
She's shy.
Well, you can't be shy
and an actress.
Robert, where's my ukulele?
I don't know.
We could just
do it another time.
Oh, come on. Have a
little bit of red wine.
Past those tonsils,
You'll be singing
like Liza minnelli in a minute.
What do you want me to sing?
Okay.
Um, I'll start.
- Bravo, bravo!
- Yay!
Oh, fantastic!
We should audition for my show.
I'm kidding, but,
well, you should.
I mean, you should
audition for my show.
She is not interested
in appealing to the masses.
She's like...
She's an artist.
Look at that picture of
that adorable little girl.
- Oh, ye... Oh, yes.
- Who's that?
Oh, my goodness.
Is that you, Nicole?
- Simply adorable, isn't it?
- Sure is.
Just adorable little child, huh?
You look like such
a sweet little girl.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
So can we have a little
heart to heart?
Sure.
Why are you here?
Are you here
because she needs help?
Because her family just doesn't
know what to do anymore.
I mean, honestly.
She's become so eccentric
at such a young age.
You know, I think
she's really unique.
She's doing something special.
I wish you could
see our apartment.
It's like a gallery.
Well, It's really nice and very
reassuring to hear you say that.
But I don't know.
I think her family
actually didn't invite her
to the lake on purpose.
You know, her sister doesn't
want her around the kids.
Well, she's really not
the best role model,
when you stop
and think about it.
I just wanted to be sure that,
you know, she's not
in some kind of trouble.
And I wanted to be sure that she's
not making you take care of her.
No, um, no,
she's not in any trouble.
Where is she, actually?
She's probably
watching television
or... you're so tense.
Come here.
Listen.
She doesn't
actually like television.
You're so sweet.
I just want to make sure that someone
is taking care of you, right?
- She's not gonna change any time soon.
- Okay.
Well, I'm gonna go find her.
- So thanks.
- Thank you.
Whatever you have to do.
Please help Nicole.
- What...
- Don't scream.
Shh, shh. Wake up.
Are you awake?
Okay. We have to get out
of here very quietly.
Somebody's breaking in.
I think It's the guy
who drove us here.
I was sleeping.
Shh, now you're not going
to be murdered in your sleep.
- You're gonna be murdered awake.
- Why?
I told you, because
somebody is breaking in.
- Oh!
- We have to get out of here.
I think It's the guy
who drove us here
'cause you told him our address.
- Who?
- Oh, God!
I heard something.
Did you hear anything?
No.
Shh, It's real.
My projects aren't finished.
Oh, no!
Oh, my God!
Save the children!
Olivia, what is going...
- Kimberly!
- Idiot.
Is Nicole in there?
What the fuck are
you doing out there?!
You're all over the place!
Well, I just wanted to be sure
that everyone was hydrated.
I went to get
you some coconut water.
Sorry to disturb you.
We have everything we need,
Kimberly. Thank you.
Yes, that seems clear.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
Forgot my toothbrush.
I forgot a toothbrush, too.
You brought this?
Yeah.
And no toothbrush.
But I did bring
the phone charger.
You should be charging it.
Eh, later.
You know how you're always
saying you are worried
you might die in
relative obscurity?
Mm-hmm.
Well, there is a way,
I think, maybe tomorrow,
we can do something about that.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about reaching
the largest audience
in the United States of America
on a television talent
reality show.
Are you talking about
"that special something?"
Yeah. Your aunt
suggested it.
I think It's a great idea.
I've been thinking about it.
It's so soulless.
Okay, but I can't do it alone
and I think It's gonna be
really good for you and...
It's gonna be a no.
But this could be
a big opportunity.
Could we just spoon?
Could you just roll over
so I can spoon with you?
I'll just be...
You're the big spoon.
You just roll over
a little tiny...
Just do it better.
It's hot!
It's... It's really hot.
I'm just sad about seagull.
It's okay.
I'm holding my heart and
feeling that I love myself.
I'm fine.
Well, anyone like
some breakfast?
How do you like burnt flapjacks?
No, we're still cleansing.
So...
How did everyone sleep last
night after so much excitement?
Kind of tossed and turned,
but I don't know.
My cat just died
so I think maybe that's why.
Oh, when?
Just, like, two days ago.
Oh, my God!
It's just weighing on me.
Oh. Well, that
explains a lot.
But I was also up thinking about
your show and maybe auditioning?
Well, do it! Do!
Nicole, she doesn't
want to do it with me.
You don't need Nicole.
We gotta get some toothbrushes.
Oh, God.
Robert, get out your wallet.
Yes, dear.
May I have a 20, please?
- I got a...
- A 20.
I see it in there.
They have tarot
readings here for 5 bucks.
It's actually really reasonable.
Okay, let's see what
the cards have to say.
You lost someone recently?
Yeah.
He's still with you and
we wants you not to worry.
Is he a bird?
No, sort of.
- Huh.
- But no, yeah.
And the moon.
This card is connected
to dreams and the unconscious.
The moon provides
the reflection of the sun.
- Yeah.
- But the light is dim.
It's uncertain.
Ah. The magician.
It has to do with power.
Unused power is
nonexistent power.
We don't have electricity
in our apartment.
I wonder IF it could have
something to do with that, maybe?
I'm talking about
the electricity inside.
The electricity inside you.
Everything you have
has to be destroyed
for you to go to the next step.
There's the moon.
It's time to put
your art out in the world.
It's time.
That was crazy.
Was yours crazy?
It was like she knew everything.
Listen, IF you need me
to audition with you,
I will do it.
I'm not gonna sing with you.
And I have a piece
that's not finished,
but maybe we could
experiment with it.
What did she say to you?
She said I had to share.
Oh, let's get these guys.
Ladies, ladies!
I already sense a
little special something
emanating from you two.
What can we expect
from you guys today?
What do you mean?
The people want to know
what to expect from you.
I don't think people
should know what to expect.
Okay.
Um, is there anything you
want to say for yourself?
Is there anything you'd like
to say to anybody back home?
Thank you.
Good luck.
Holy cow.
Is something funny over there?
Are you taking
the audition seriously?
Are you taking
the audition seriously?
Uh, I'm not auditioning, she is.
Oh.
Are you singing?
Yeah.
Singing about lip gloss and
the boys that go into the yard?
Uh, she's really talented.
She has been miss
teen Arizona twice.
Yeah, I'm singing
"my heart will go on"
and dedicating it to my mom
who died when I was little.
You're saying
that before you sing?
Yeah.
Do you think that
there's a correlation
between winning the pageants
and sharing your
personal tragedy?
What is your problem?
What is your problem?
- You're being a bitch.
- You're being a bitch.
Well, you look like
a cheap imitation of kesha.
Oh, my God.
She's an artist.
- Oh, my God.
- What... what?!
- What... get off!
- Get her off!
- Simmer down!
- Olivia!
- Olivia!
- Fuck!
Tiger.
Is that the Adderall?
You can't beat up girls
with dead moms.
That was the other girl.
It's true.
That was totally justified.
Yeah. Those girls sucked.
We're gonna crush them.
And IF you felt that way,
I guess that's understandable.
But thank you anyway and,
uh, thanks for the opportunity.
Hmm.
Well, thank you
for having us. Hello.
Uh, We'll just take
a few minutes to set up
and then We'll be performing
excerpts from
Anton Chekov's "the seagull"
along with some stuff that
we wrote ourselves.
Not to get expectations up,
but I have heard this one sing.
And it was a bit of a treat.
This should be interesting.
This is the universe we live in.
I was afraid you might hate me.
It came into being with
a big bang
that caused this universe
we call home to expand
for the past
13.7 billion years.
Do you hear the wind?
The earth has been
around for 4.5 billion years,
give or take
.5 billion years.
Blessed is he who has a roof
over his head on such a night.
Sleeping in his own warm corner.
Human beings have been here
for about 200,000 years.
May the lord help
all homeless wanderers.
This cat was born
on October 25th, 2007.
I am the seagull.
He died this week.
No, that's not right.
The average American
lives to be 79.
That's 28,470 days,
683,280 hours,
40,996,800 minutes.
Ever since I got here, I've
been walking and thinking.
Thinking and feeling my inner
life grow stronger every day.
The important thing
is not fame or glory.
It's not what
I used to dream about.
But learning how to endure.
How long will you live?
IF you were born in 1980
and live an average life,
you will die around 2059.
Life is like a mist.
I must bear my cost
and have faith.
IF I have faith,
it doesn't hurt so much.
And the feelings we have
for each other
are like fine delicate flowers.
Do you remember?
I am the seagull.
Um...
No. That's not...
- Nicole?
- What?
What are my lines?
- I don't know.
- I forgot my lines.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
Men, lions, eagles, partridges.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
- Shh.
- What?
No, no!
Just... that's ridicu...
Uh, uh, just give me a...
A moment to focus.
Stop it, stop it!
Ow, ow!
Ow!
Men, lions...
Hmm.
What was the year of your death, boys?
Did you figure it out?
Ugh.
Uh, about five minutes ago.
Mine is 2039.
I think I understand
what you're trying to say
and I see a certain
beauty in it.
Of course you would.
You guys have something special,
but It's not "that
special something."
It's more like
that special nothing.
Give it!
Off of it!
This is very different way
that this is going down
than what I
thought would happen.
I'm not entirely sure
what plan...
Why did you do that?
Because your teeny
tiny therapist
didn't seem to be
making progress with you.
I humiliated myself in front of the
judges and basically all of America.
I just don't know why you
care what those assholes think.
The judges for America
see nothing special in me.
They don't even like me.
I don't think you even like me.
It's like you're trying
to sabotage me.
It's like that thing you
did with the feather bomb.
I want you to shut
your fucking face.
I didn't even want
to do this thing.
You begged me to do it,
'cause you're needy.
You're just not comfortable
with the depth of my feelings.
No, because every time
I turn around,
you're like right there!
You're cling... It's like, God,
IF I feel your breath
on my skin anymore,
I'm gonna vomit.
You need to, like, get
a boyfriend or something.
This was supposed
to be a vacation.
This feels like
a vacation to you?
You know, I sure as shit...
I don't feel like
I'm on vacation.
Not when I'm around you
and these feelings of yours.
And I could have
been on a vacation.
I could've been on
a real vacation on a lake
with my family
on a fucking lake.
And for some... I don't know why,
they didn't want me there.
No, Olivia, please!
Don't touch me!
You know what?
I think It's a good thing
that we're being evicted
'cause I don't think that
I can live with you anymore.
You go for a swim?
I'd like to go for a swim.
Go.
It's too cold.
I want to go back
to New York tonight.
There's a lot of stuff
to deal with there.
Flight's in the morning.
I'm not comfortable staying
at your aunt Kimberly's again.
She's making us food.
I thought we were on a cleanse.
Well, I don't know
what you're gonna do.
You're gonna leave without me?
All right. I might.
I might have done it once.
I might have done it once.
You gotta slow down.
I've never seen anyone
eat so much.
I feel like I'm watching one of those
pie-eating contests or something.
That would be fun.
I'd do one of those.
Probably, I'd win it.
Oh, you would...
You would never win it.
Well, why don't you look it up
and then tell me what
kind of records there are.
- Oh, my God.
- And I'm gonna beat them.
How would I know IF I
win in a pie...
Just look it up on your phone
and tell me what kind of like...
- You're afraid.
- People train...
Dare me.
For years and years
to do a pie-eating contest.
They do?
Yes.
Why, do they win a lot of money?
- I...
- Do they?
I'm not paying you any money,
IF that's what you're
insinuating.
Wait a minute.
Hmm?
How much will you pay me?
Nothing.
I'll pay you zero money.
All right. Wait,
wait, wait, wait.
We're gonna make
this the situation.
IF I can eat this whole
thing in under ten...
- You will never...
- Shh.
IF I can eat this in
under ten seconds,
will you give me $1,000?
You'll never eat that
in under ten seconds.
Will you?
Well, Oh, and what do I get
when you lose, I'm wondering?
I'll give you one of my pieces.
Oh, really.
They're selling
for $1,000 these days?
They're gonna sell for hundreds
of thousands of dollars.
- Uh-Oh.
- Put your money where your mouth is.
Ten, nine... okay,
but start at ten.
I'm doing it.
Ten, nine, eight.
Oh, God, seven, six, five,
four, three,
two, one.
Ugh.
Not even close.
Uh, you were counting
faster than seconds.
You know, this is my home.
All right.
- That is half.
- Oh, God.
And It's worth 500.
It's gonna cost me $500 to
get my living room cleaned.
Give me... shut up!
Shut your face!
Give me 500 more
and I'm gonna eat
anything on this table.
You tell me...
So I take it
you girls need money?
No.
Oh, come on.
You can tell me.
I mean, I wouldn't trust
this one with any money.
I should get her to bed.
Oh, don't.
Look.
No, leave her be.
She's fine.
Listen, listen.
I need to tell you
something very important.
I used to be just like you
until I figured out
who I really was.
Oh, gosh, this headache of mine.
Thank you so much.
This was very nice
and I... good night.
And thank you.
I brought you something
for your head.
Olivia, what are you doing
out on the lawn, you silly?
Darling Olivia.
You must wake up
for your own good.
- Oh, God.
- Oh!
Oh, my God.
Just like children.
Oh, we're so free, finally.
Finally, darling, please.
There's something
I have to tell you.
All right, what is it?
You're wonderful, but I'm in
a relationship with Nicole.
And we're very much in love.
Olivia, I know, all right?
I know.
I should've told you sooner,
but I know that you want her
and she's not in love with you.
Yes, darling.
She told me everything.
She told me that
she felt sorry for you.
I'm sorry, darling. I...
I'm sorry.
You know she had
to say that to you.
- No.
- She was afraid.
She didn't know how
the family would take it.
But she and I have
something very beautiful
and it only shows in
a one-sided way with me.
But really,
a two-sided relationship.
I mean, we are...
It's not one-sided.
It's two-sided
and she and I
are in this closed
loop embrace forever.
And I would never want
to do anything to hurt her.
I hope you understand that.
Of course, I do.
Olivia, I'm so sorry.
I never would've
opened myself to you
in this way IF I'd known.
Olivia, goodbye, darling.
Goodbye.
Wake up!
You made me have to lie
to your aunt Kimberly.
Please, will you go get me a water?
The room is spinning.
I need you to hear me.
You're taking me to the
airport in a taxi that
you're paying for first
thing in the morning.
Will you please get me water?
Do you want water? Here,
I'll give you some water.
- Do you want this?
- Yeah.
Do you want this water?
Pack your shit.
Hi.
Remember me?
Last time you saw me,
I was a licensed car driver.
I'm not anymore.
It's probably a good thing.
I'm so sorry.
I mean, I must've terrified you.
I was out of my mind.
Want a... a piece of licorice?
That's okay.
Licorice?
You know what I did?
I... I think I took ativan
and Lunesta with maybe
like three airplane
bottles of whiskey.
But I'm just... I'm...
I'm really afraid to fly.
You also took an Adderall.
Yeah, yeah. Sounds like
something I would do.
Adderall is pretty crazy.
It's crazy stuff, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I started bottoming
out when it wears off.
Whenever I take it, like,
it helps me at first
and then I completely unravel.
I almost punched a girl.
You should've taken a Lunesta.
Yeah, it really cuts down
on the urge to clock people.
I was in town visiting my mom.
You mentioned
something about that.
I guess you just have
to hit rock bottom
before you can stand back up.
IF that make any sense?
Yeah.
And my mom has really
helped me to hit
rock bottom
the last couple days.
How was LA?
What'd you do?
I buried my cat at sea.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
Lucky cat to have spent one
of his nine lives with you.
Did we forget to lock the door?
I don't know.
Bob, that better
be you in there.
I think we were robbed.
Oh, my God.
Is that electricity?
Oh, hey, guys.
Is this our stuff?
You didn't get my message, huh?
I called you guys about a
hundred times and texted you.
No, we didn't get any messages.
Oh, shit. 'Cause IF you
would've gotten messages,
you would've known what
was, uh, going on here.
What is going on?
Uh, I found some people
who are willing
to pay three times what you do.
God, we didn't charge this.
Oh, man, sorry.
I wasn't here.
I guess the, uh,
movers thought your...
Your stuff was garbage
or something.
I'm sorry.
She's losing it.
What are we supposed to do?
Well, the new tenants
are not coming till Tuesday
so you have till Tuesday.
- That's tomorrow.
- Uh-huh.
And you said we had 28 days.
Yeah. Look, honestly,
they're paying me three
times what you're paying.
I mean, give me
a break, all right?
I mean, I... I had to...
You can't do it.
It's illegal.
Well, uh, this is an
illegal sublet, you know.
Hey, don't break my balls, okay.
I need to make a profit here.
Hey, It's Bob.
Can you pick up your phone?
It's urgent.
Guess who should
be better connected?
Not my fault.
Hi, Olivia.
Great news.
We loved the life
insurance commercial.
It's gonna shoot for
about a week in Ohio
so we have to
arrange your flight.
Give me a call back.
You just got a commercial.
It's a national commercial.
Uh-Oh, uh-Oh!
Who's an actress?
Who's going to Ohio?
Wow. Told you.
Plug in your fucking phone!
Ohio.
Wow.
All right, come on,
come on. Shake it off.
Big girl, come on.
Big girl.
There you go.
One door closes,
another opens, huh?
How you doing?
Hey, you want
to crash on my couch?
You sleep on your couch.
All right.
You sleep on the floor.
All right,
I'll sleep on the floor.
We'll both sleep on the floor.
I'm sorry.
So...
I can, uh, start
looking for places,
I guess, for when you come back.
Men and lions,
eagles and partridges.
All life will end its
allotted round and be no more.
And then the full moon
will be left
lighting her lamp in vain.