Barbershop 2: Back in Business (2004) Movie Script

Get out of the way! Move!
Come on.
Come on, man.
Get up.
Come on.
Suspect out of the way.
Heading toward Exchange.
Move it!
Out of the way!
Hold it!
Don't move! Don't move!
Get away from that window!
Get over there!
Do what I say!
Oh, shit. Pick up my meat.
- You hungry, brother?
- Do I look hungry? Get over there!
I might be a little hungry,
but get your hands up!
- He ain't got no gun.
- You think I ain't got a gun?
- Shoot me, goddamn it!
- I'll shoot you.
You mother...
No. Come on, Hank!
Back up, back up!
What you know about
a brother needing a job?
- Big Floyd Patterson haircut head.
- You don't look like Floyd.
Shoot. I just wanted
to barbecue.
It's the goddamn Fourth of July.
Can't a black man have
a goddamn Fourth of July, too?
- Open up! It's the police!
- Sweet Jesus.
Kick it in!
- Don't mess with my conk.
- You want a barbecue?
Is there a problem, officers?
Yeah. We're looking for a thief.
You seen one?
Me? No, I haven't seen a thi...
Hank, you seen
a thief around here?
- No, no, not around here.
- No, me, either.
No thief.
You guys aren't
celebrating the holiday?
Sure. We're just finishing up
our last customer.
I said play
like you cuttin' it.
Eddie, you can't talk about people
just 'cause they biracial.
- Why not?
- 'Cause that's silly.
They can take it
like anybody else.
All I'm saying, Calvin,
is black folk love to take credit
for they half-black brothers
and sisters till somethin' goes sour.
You know, like Tiger Woods...
we claim him.
Jennifer Beals. What the boy mama
used to be on The Jeffersons?
- Lenny Kravitz.
- Lenny Kravitz... count him.
As soon as they go freak out
just a little bit,
go a little crazy, get a little glitter
like Mariah Carey,
then all of a sudden it's the other half
that went looney tunes.
- What about Vin Diesel?
- I don't know what he is. Half car.
What black man
do you take credit for?
I'll tell you who I don't want
to take credit for... that D.C. Sniper.
I was mad when I found out
dude was black.
Hold on there, Terri.
The D.C. Sniper is like
the Jackie Robinson of crime.
Tell them, Eddie.
He broke into the white leagues
with that crime.
That crime took planning.
Not only planning, it took math.
You know, it took math
to figure out all them trajectories
to shoot from the back
of an automobile.
That's white-folk shit right there.
With the problems we got,
black folks used to could say,
"At least we ain't crazy. "
Our crimes made sense.
Ain't got no money,
rob somebody with money.
Black folks are just as crazy
as white folks.
Mike Tyson...
he's like three crazy people.
Hold on, hold on now.
He half Cherokee or something.
Don't put him in with us.
DVDs, CDs. Ike Turner's
greatest hits with Tina on the cover.
Got something
you ain't gonna believe...
R. Kelly on tape
with grown women.
I got Grandmas Gone Wild.
You ever seen wrinkles in a thong?
Fred, don't buy nothing
from that fool.
That Nemo tape I got for my son
has a crack deal on it.
- Why you always lyin' on me?
- Ain't nobody lyin' on you.
Line me up.
I got a meeting in 19 minutes.
Head to your meeting
'cause I got next.
K- Rod called and booked
the spot after that,
but I can get you at 3:45
or 11:00 on Tuesday.
You a superstar now?
The Eminem of the barber world?
Yeah, that's why
they call me Slim Fadin'.
This used to be my chair.
Wasn't but two seconds ago
your pasty Pilgrim ass
was sitting at that front seat
and nobody was feeling you.
Well, they're feeling me now.
I'll touch you up.
My customer's running late,
so I can take you.
what's it like
working for Alderman Brown?
It's good.
The alderman is a great mentor.
Must be nice doing
what you said you'd always do.
I really admire that.
- Apple juice?
- What's going on here?
Who set this up?
This shit ain't funny.
- What?
- This. You being nice to me?
You admire me? You got back
together with Kevin, didn't you?
I do not need a man
to make me feel good.
Plus, I'm trying to be
at peace with myself.
I don't know this woman.
Would you know me if I shoved
my foot up your ass?
Oh, yes, there she goes.
Let's go.
Lookin' good, Mr. Stewart.
Now you can get your swerve on.
Calvin, when you get my age,
you don't swerve.
You just be happy gettin'
that bad boy out of park.
You tell him.
You got something smaller?
I don't got change.
- Just keep it.
- You ain't got to tell me twice.
What'd you do,
hit the lotto?
- I sold the cleaners.
- What?
Yep, sold it.
Time for early retirement.
Quality Land Development came in
and made me an offer.
More money than I'd ever seen.
I jumped at it.
- What are they going to put in?
- A Kinko's or something.
I heard they was gonna move
a Subway over there.
A Subway and a Blockbuster.
Yep. White folk
is coming back.
They tryin'
to make money on a brother.
This ain't about
white folks comin' back.
Most of these businesses
coming in are black-owned.
This whole block
is gonna get upgrades.
They can tear down
all this mess around here.
Change is a good thing.
Long as they ain't buildin' liquor stores
and titty bars, I'm cool with it.
Wait a minute now, Calvin.
If they build a titty bar across
the street, I ain't never goin' home.
Hey, babe!
Here's your shit.
I burned the rest of it.
The next time
you want to call yourself
sleeping around
behind somebody's back,
make sure
she look like something
'cause I heard
all of your little shit.
Your cell called the house,
and I heard all two minutes of it.
No, I didn't hear it?
Are you trying to call me a liar?
I don't even see how you could
cheat on me with your toddler penis.
I hope you had a good time.
The next time you come back,
I'm gonna get medieval on your ass.
I got a sword, I got an ax,
a box of bullets,
and I'm gonna get both of my babies'
daddies to jump on that ass!
What does she gotta have
both of them for?
Shut up!
Like I was sayin', if they
build a titty bar across the street,
I ain't never goin' home.
You couldn't go home
if you wanted to.
You act like you know
what you're doing.
Please, man.
Now watch this. Balance.
No. Balance.
What is all that Circus Dee Soleil
that you're doin'?
All that flippity hippity
stompity stoobily-doo.
It ain't necessary
to cut nobody head.
What's up, dawg?
I don't get the "I"?
Come on, dawg.
You know I gotta have the "I."
Stop playin'.
- Where do you want it?
- Right here.
That mess ain't right.
I want my rent money on the first.
Not the second, not...
Hold on, let me finish my thought.
Not the second,
'cause I'm not the bad guy here.
Am I the bad guy here?
Come here.
Check it out, little man.
One thing you're gonna constantly
have to deal with in your life,
and that's broke-ass
black folks.
They gonna be hard to spot
'cause they dressed real nice.
Don't let that fool you,
'cause the nicer they dress,
usually the broker they are.
I like hanging with you.
You know, this is gonna
be yours one day... all of this.
Hey, Calvin, you goin'
over to Emma's?
Tell her my niece sent her
a graduation picture Friday.
- Bring me back a sweet potato pie.
- I ain't bringing you back nothin'.
Hey, Keisha.
Where Janelle at?
She's not here yet.
Hey, boo.
Now, why you even go there?
You can read a calendar.
You know she called in sick.
I need my rent money.
The bank want they money on the first.
I need my money on the first,
not the second and not the 15th.
Come here, Coley.
Come here. Your mommy
leave you with this crazy man?
Crazy? I'm about to
drop him off at Miss Emma's.
Ain't that right?
You know, your daddy used to like
to play with those, too.
- And this.
- Watch your mouth, girl.
They can remember that shit...
I mean stuff.
- Y'all see Calvin baby boy?
- Hey, Coley.
You know that should have
been your baby.
I know.
After Calvin and I stopped dating,
he started thinkin' small.
He opted for the Happy Meal
instead of the Super Size.
No, he opted for less drama.
- It's her six-foot Pocahontas weave.
- That's what it is.
She ain't weavin' it up
like most of y'all in here.
Y'all just mad 'cause she got
a little Indian in her family.
Please. That girl got
perm in her family.
Why every time I come in here,
you start up with me?
You know I got love for you.
If you got that much love for me,
tell Janelle to give me my rent
before I turn off the power in here
and have all you ladies
runnin' out screaming.
Bye, Gina.
How come you not
playing with Coley?
You're just my baby.
Yes, he is.
Stop. Say grace first.
Jesus wept.
Why what?
Why did Jesus weep?
- 'Cause he was sad.
- Why was he sad?
'Cause they didn't let him
eat his biscuit.
Now, you know I helped
raise you better than that.
Raised you like you was
my own son.
Okay. I gotta go, Miss Emma.
When you get back here,
you better tell me why Jesus wept.
You know what?
He probably was mad
'cause they wouldn't let him put
jelly on his biscuit before he left.
I ain't seen you in two days.
And why you look so damn tired?
Ricky, just be a man
and let me know.
I'm being a man.
If you got somebody else,
then just say it.
You don't need to be slippin'
and slidin' and hidin'.
Nobody hidin'.
This ain't no subterfuge.
- I just been busy.
- Doin' what?
'Cause you sure ain't doin' me.
Who you doin'?
And what the hell
is a subter-fudge?
Listen, you know how it is,
all right?
When we together,
we together.
And when we not, we not.
That Ricky, he's the man.
Please. He's a clown.
Be like Mike,
not like Rick.
If I was like Mike,
would you like me?
- Brad Pitt.
- Mel Gibson.
- Bill Clinton.
- Bill Clinton?
He's a freak,
and I likes me a freaky man.
If I had to choose me
a white boy to sleep with,
- I'd have to say Mini-Me.
- Mini-Me?
Use your head.
- What?
- What?
Use your head.
You bad girl!
Excuse me, Miss Watson.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Dinka.
- Good morning.
- What's up, D?
Thank you, Dinka.
They look great.
- Beautiful shoes.
- Thank you, Dinka.
Damn a Mini-Me.
I'll take me one of those.
All I'm saying is we need
to keep our eye on Trent Lott.
We need to know where
his ass is at all times. He racist!
He's the poster child
for stupid white men.
I don't know about that.
Dan Quayle couldn't spell "potato. "
You know what?
You right about that, Checkers.
You know what?
You can be a stupid white man
and get elected president. Twice!
All I'm saying is
if you're gonna have oral relations
with an ugly, fat white girl
with low self-esteem, lock the door.
Lock the door! Click.
Handle your business.
There it is.
Calvin, come look.
They're gonna lock your ass up
for talkin' like that.
When did they put that up?
Guess it ain't no titty bar.
Hold up.
I can't believe this.
- Quentin!
- Hey, Calvin.
You like our sign?
Not too flashy, I hope.
I don't want it to fight
the funk of the neighborhood.
I thought this was a club.
What is Nappy Cutz?
You never heard of us?
It's a franchise, the black man's
answer to Supercuts.
Got ten locations nationwide.
This'll be the first one
in Chicago.
Ten chairs with every amenity
the African-American male desires.
- On my block?
- It's just an alternative.
You the man.
Your shop is legendary.
Only business on the block
to survive the riots of '68.
We can't compete with you.
I gotta go.
Listen, when 24/7 opens,
I'd love to buy you a latte.
I can buy
my own damn latte.
I know what this is.
You're tryin' to compete with us.
It's not a competition.
It's a rout.
Your business will be closed
in six months, seven at the most.
When the bank forecloses,
I'm gonna buy your shop
and turn it
into a more viable cash cow,
like a Bally's
or a Jamba Juice.
We could bypass all the stress
if you would sell it to me now.
But of course you wouldn't
do that... too much pride.
And I respect that.
I respect that, too.
You be safe out there.
I was gonna say
the same thing to you.
What did slick-head negro want?
These guys fittin'
to open a shop on our block?
They're gonna take
all our customers.
Quality Land Development
buyin' up everything.
We just gotta
step up our game.
Hey, Rick, you handled
that deposit for me?
You gonna have to cool it
on these extra activities.
I don't care about your vampire hours
as long as you do what I ask.
It's not what you think.
- I had some...
- Some bullshit to do.
You should've asked me,
someone more dependable.
Both of you can kiss my ass.
Hold up, don't fall apart.
Don't fall apart.
Not right now, okay?
We got competition on the block.
And I guess change,
that's a good thing, right?
Well, it's free enterprise.
This is America.
Shut up, Dinka.
- Survival of the fittest.
- Says the privileged white boy.
The privileged white boy
do a better job on that fade.
You're starting to cross the line.
Relax yourself.
Quit it. Quit it.
Don't sweat it, Cal.
We got your back no matter what.
Come on, everybody, let's go back.
This ain't nothin'.
I've seen this many times.
They come and they go.
We gonna be all right.
We gonna be fine.
- Man, why you trippin' back there?
- Why you frontin', man?
I know you're
supposed to be the superstar,
but don't you ever
roll up on my customers.
- What was you thinkin'?
- You're right, man.
Okay, it's my bad.
It's my bad.
His fade was
a little crooked, though.
It's hard being that good, ain't it?
Look, Cal,
it's nappy-cutz. Com.
It's the professionalism
that is bestowed upon me
when I come into Nappy Cutz
that I appreciate.
Did that boy say
"bestowed upon me"?
That's what it sounded like.
It's the bikini waxes
that I love...
Look at the couches, man,
and the lighting.
Look at that.
Last week
I had me a milk bath.
Oh, baby.
They dippin' sisters
in milk over there?
Give me some cookies.
I'll go over there myself.
Was that...
- That was him!
- It looked like him.
That's a look-alike.
How can they get him?
Turn that mess off.
That little girl is nasty!
Back to work.
Checker Fred, back to checkers.
My boys up in Memphis
go to Nappy Cut.
They said it's off the chain.
They got honeys in bikinis,
be serving wine when they
walk through the door.
That ain't nothin'.
I heard they got fish
in the floor, swimming.
You standin' on top of them.
You could pick a fish out,
get it baked, broiled,
fried, grilled,
fondued, souffld,
- sauted, sushied, all that.
- Fondued?
I like that whole massage thing.
That's tight.
Let me tell you all somethin'.
That's not a real barbershop.
That's a fake, franchise,
corporate version of a barbershop.
That's why they got gimmicks.
They ain't got
no real character up in there.
A real barbershop got real people,
real conversation,
and most of all, real barbers,
and that's what we got here.
Calvin, my man!
Oh, God.
Kenard. Hold up.
Dude, look...
I love you, cuz.
I love you, man.
I finished barber school
on Wednesday,
and now I'm working
in a shop today.
That's how family
supposed to do for each other.
- Did Jennifer call you?
- I spoke to her this morning.
Did she tell you that
maybe I'll try you out? Maybe?
I'm down with trying out.
I'm about to be
Rookie of the Year up in here.
That's me, man?
Baby, you're putting me
in the front chair?
The best chair in the shop.
That's how family
supposed to do.
You right, too much love.
What's up, player?
How you feelin'? All right.
Freddie Douglass!
You old school! Come on.
You can do it.
Come on, now. All right!
What's up, girlfriend?
Okay, okay.
What's up, brother?
Everything cool?
Don't leave me hanging.
What'd you shave your head for?
I'm with you, brother.
We goin' back to Africa.
You know you know me.
I know you not gonna let him
put them pictures up,
not when you made me
take Lola Falana down.
It's a probationary period.
You understand probation,
don't you?
Who is this orphan?
All right, all right.
Rich, where you at, man?
Ain't never seen nothin'
like that in your life.
Yeah, that's good.
Tighten myself up.
Yo, Big C, explain him.
Call my wife, man.
That's her people.
Who's next?
Come on.
Have a seat right here.
Kenard's chair.
That aroma is
kind of gettin' to me.
What kind of coffee is that?
It's not a coffee.
It's a chai with soy.
Okay, so it's herbal.
Yeah, it's herbal.
You must be a lot like me.
You lactose intolerant.
Yeah, I'm lactose intolerant.
I go near a cow,
and my behind blow up
like Dizzy Gillespie.
Downright flatulent.
And the smell.
Man, the smell that come
out of there,
it's so bad, sometimes
I have to set myself outside.
I'm not lactose intolerant,
all right?
I have a very healthy metabolism.
I tried to have some of them little,
bitty Milky Ways... the small one.
I ate two of them
at a party one night,
and, man, it just got...
I just couldn't control it.
It was the lactose intoleration.
Listen, I'm not lactose intolerant.
Look, man, all that's fine.
I'm trying to help you.
It's just not fair
for your date.
You gotta think about
if you on a date
and you up here
sneakin' 'em off,
and she's trying to wonder,
"He seem like he dressed nice,
he seems clean, but what is that smell?"
And you tryin' to act like
you ain't got no...
Take care of yourself.
Sir, I am very nice
to black people, okay?
Nice to black people?
You better be,
especially me.
I keep my stuff with me, okay?
I cut you.
You can look me up on the Internet,
That's me right there
lookin' at you.
- Hey, watch it!
- Move!
Your precious love
Your precious love
Heaven must have sent you
from above
Must have sent you, baby
Heaven must have sent
your precious love
Your precious love
To find a love like ours
- To find
- To find
With your finger.
To find
To find
Your finger goin' up there,
but you not.
I need to find a new tenor.
Man. I wish
my brother Darnell was out.
Eddie, where you goin'?
What the hell's
the matter with you?
- Get out of the way, fool!
- I can't wait for you.
There's a guy
on the other side of the rig!
Get off the truck!
Get off!
You wanna know my name, right?
I'm not saying
we made out of money.
I'm just saying we need
to step it up a little bit.
We're about to get punked
by Nappy Cutz.
If you don't think big,
you'll never be big.
Calvin, you run a family operation.
You do not need to step it up.
Them clowns at Nappy Cutz, they're not
about to take away your business.
Your shop is
a neighborhood institution.
Come on.
People don't care about institutions.
They got fish in the floor.
Just swimmin' around.
You can get it fried, baked,
sauted, sushi...
- Who told you that?
- Little Rodney at the shop.
Little Rodney told you
he sawfish in the floor.
Well, he actually didn't see
the fish in the floor,
but his cousin in Atlanta
You know that's ridiculous.
Little Rodney probably
heard it from somebody
who heard it from somebody else
who was at Nappy Cutz
when they dropped their
Filet-O-Fish on the floor.
That's ridiculous.
I can't believe you said that.
Sun salutation, ladies.
Feet together,
bringing it to prayer pose.
And reach!
Butterfly, butterfly.
Bringing it back to prayer pose.
Deep ujjayi breath.
Breathing in radiance,
beauty, light.
Breathing out
any heavy burdens.
The key to enlightenment
is to work through your anger,
not have your anger
work through you.
First position.
One, two, three.
He ain't shit!
He ain't shit!
Jimmy! What's the deal?
What's up?
Lookin' good, baby boy!
Always, always.
Still ain't shit.
Just a little while ago,
he was cuttin' hair.
- Good morning. Good morning.
- Alderman Brown's office.
- Good morning, Maggie.
- Good morning, sir.
- Any messages?
- Yes, sir. A whole stack.
- Good morning, Alderman.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, Jimmy.
- I'd like a moment if you have it.
- I don't. This faithful constituent
is in need of counsel,
and I have to provide it.
Reach one, teach one.
Remember that.
It's an issue of vital importance
and it'll only take a minute.
- You have 59 seconds.
- Thank you.
- Have a seat.
- Thank you, sir.
Not you.
I wanted to bring to your attention
a particular concern of mine.
Are you familiar with Calvin's Barbershop
on 79th and Exchange?
Yeah, I'm aware of it.
They're opening a Nappy Cutz
across the street.
Yeah, I know all about it.
Shouldn't we do something
about that?
Why should we?
Competition is
a cornerstone of democracy.
The future is not what it used to be.
Remember that.
But you did say you wanted
to keep that particular area fertile
for small-business interests.
I did say that, didn't I?
This boy is gonna be the governor
of the state of Illinois one day
if he learns to do what I say
when I say it.
Now, I'm not one for explanations,
explanatory things explained.
Write a report and have it
on my desk by the end of the month.
Sir, I think we should move
faster than that.
Think need, not speed.
It's better to measure
a thing ten times and cut once
than to measure once
and cut ten times.
Your minute is up, son.
This is gonna be great
for the neighborhood.
We'll see.
Here he comes.
- What's up, Samir?
- Not much.
- How are you doing?
- All right.
Very nice shirt on you.
We need to talk to you, Calvin.
What's going on?
We've been approached
by Quality Land Development.
They're building a cineplex there
and they're making us an offer.
We're thinking
about taking that offer.
The money isn't bad.
Plus, the money isn't bad.
Stew sold him his cleaners and took
his Viagra-popping ass to Miami.
I ain't mad at the brother.
What's that got to do with me?
You got your mind made up.
No, we haven't.
But I bet if you came on board
and sold them the barbershop,
they'd probably pay us double.
- That would change my mind.
- Absolutely.
- Y'all know I can't do that.
- Why not?
We've been there since '58.
So if y'all wanna sell
and go down to Florida
with them funky-ass voting booths,
you can go ahead.
But I've gotta keep mine.
You're making a mistake, bro.
No, my friend, you're thinking
about this all the wrong way.
Calvin, there's a lot of money
to be made here, son.
Go talk to your boy.
Come on, babies.
Today is the day.
We came a long road
to get here.
Pay attention.
Lighten up.
You come in here some days
looking like Joe Frazier
in Jamaica.
People don't like that.
You're too pretty.
Learn how to cook.
I know how to cook.
Make him hush puppies
or a Spanish omelet.
- Hey there, Calvin.
- Hey, Calvin.
- What's up, Cal?
- Yo, Isaac.
What's up, boss man?
You all know
why I called this meeting.
Nappy Necks, whatever they want
to call theyself across the street,
is openin' up in three weeks,
and they're tryin' to get
our ass out of here,
like it or not,
and we ain't havin' it.
- You know what I mean?
- Damn straight.
So my plan is this.
Fire up the barbecue in the back,
have a little
customer-appreciation cookout.
That's smart.
That's good thinking.
Just burgers and dogs,
free haircuts for the kids.
Show the people
we care about 'em.
Show them that
whatever they goin' through,
we down with them.
- You feel me?
- I feel you, Calvin.
Man, I feel all of that.
It all makes sense.
That's why I got to raise
your booth rent.
You can't do that.
- It's my first day.
- Why, Calvin?
We got to pay
for this somehow.
Forget about it. We in a crisis,
and you can double my rent.
- You don't even pay no rent.
- What?
In that case, triple it, then.
Not to throw salt, but why
you don't pay no booth rent?
I don't pay rent
'cause I don't pay rent. Okay?
So pour out your cup of haterade
and sop it up off the floor
and get some business.
Also, I want to institute
a couple of new rules.
You comin' at me with too much.
That's all for one day.
Take baby steps.
Rule number one...
no more profanity.
I know you about to say something.
Don't even say it.
I ain't sayin' nothin'.
I'm thinkin' it.
Rule number two...
don't be late.
Who was it that said, "Be on
time for something other than... "
- "... before 11:00 at the club. "
- That's what it was.
Y'all got jokes.
My bad.
Kenard, them Jet beauties,
they got to go, man.
They're my inspiration,
my muses.
He made me take down
my picture of Lola Falana.
I can't cut without the butt.
That's perfect for me
'cause maybe you'll quit.
That's what I thought.
We're going to be more
family friendly around here,
and I want everybody to start
greeting the customers by name.
How are we supposed to know
everybody's name?
That's ridiculous.
He's not even showing up.
Yap! Yap! Yap! Yap!
All that yapping leads me
to rule number three...
no more loud talking.
Watch it.
Thank you, Calvin.
Horace, thanks, man.
I appreciate your coming through.
All right, Calvin.
- Take care, man.
- No problem.
- Appreciate your business.
- All right, Calvin.
God bless.
All right, Calvin.
Bye, Horace.
You're next.
What's up, Cal?
Thanks for what you're doing.
We appreciate it.
- Hi, Jimmy!
- Hey, everybody.
This is not happening.
We got an appointment.
You gotta get out of the chair.
Eight Mile gave me this time exactly.
We're almost done.
I'll be right with you.
I'm terribly sorry
about the inconvenience.
Calvin, this is why
black business does not succeed.
We're never on time.
You're always coming in late.
You leave early.
Giving to the needy and the greedy
instead of the deserving.
And double-booking our clients!
Why do you have a schedule
if you ain't gonna use it?
It is 11:02. That means your man
has to get out of the chair.
That means it's my time,
and I'm not havin' it.
Come on, man, you gotta bounce.
This is ridiculous.
Come on, let's go.
- Get him.
- Sit your ass down!
Come on, have a seat.
Enough of it already.
Sit on down, West Wing.
Up in here like you're from
Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.
Only reason you're in here is 'cause
your daddy didn't use a Life Style.
I'll tell y'all one thing...
all y'all are doomed to fail.
It was nice and quiet in here,
the way I like it.
Just hush.
Everything was hush.
Free barbecue... food, fun,
and free haircuts for the kids.
Bring 'em on down.
Bring all the kids.
Here you go, girl.
We should have kids
so we can bring 'em down
to this barbecue Friday.
I think we can squeeze four
out of that ass.
I didn't mean to insult you.
We could probably get five.
What's up, Tyson?
Free barbecue this Friday.
Don't be eyeballin' me.
You ain't hard. I'm just playin'.
Boy, it's hot out here.
I'm tired of handing out these fliers,
but my cousin say I gotta do it.
Before they got his ass,
they was all over there together...
Saddam, Osama, all of them
livin' in a big old beach house
just kickin' it.
Got all the money in the world
and some of them ho's
from the Snoop video.
They just freakin' 'em.
Freakin' em all, boy.
- And Idi Amin over there, too.
- I thought he...
No, no, he ain't dead.
No, he ain't dead.
You can't kill no big
Yaphet Kotto-looking Zulu nigga.
- You know better than that.
- Eddie, you need to quit it.
Let me get some ribs!
- Can I fix you a plate, Dinka?
- No, I'm trying to watch it.
You don't need to watch it.
She throwin' it at you, dawg.
What's up with that?
Shawna is a nice woman,
but I don't know if she's the one for me.
Who the one for you? Terri?
You need to let that go.
That's not gonna happen.
That's the good news.
You don't need a loud, evil,
neck-rollin' chicken-head like Terri.
That's what you need.
Go on.
Go on over there.
Go on.
Isaac, run to the store
and grab me some ice.
We're running short on ice.
Kenard ain't doin' nothin'.
Yeah, man, but I asked you.
Don't do me like that, man.
Can you get me
some ice or not?
No disrespect, Cal, but I've been
bustin' my ass in there for you.
I've been bringin' in
a lot of business.
- I see you.
- So why you treatin' me like a scrub?
I treat you like
everybody else around here.
I'm happy you got it goin' on now,
but I need some ice.
Can you handle that for me?
- Yeah.
- Get the ice.
Two bags.
Thank you, Isaac.
Where you goin'?
Cal wants me
to handle some business.
Store run.
Can you bring back
some toothpicks?
The minty kind.
Minty freshness.
Right on.
Oh, yeah. She want
one of Uncle Eddie's burgers.
That is one right there.
That's delicious.
This is burnt.
No, baby, that ain't burnt.
That's barbecue.
See that brother over there?
That's burnt.
Well, why can't I have
another one?
'Cause you can't.
Now, look, it's free, ain't it?
There's people over
in Ethiopia starvin',
and you sittin'
over here complainin'.
- I'm not gonna eat it.
- You sure ain't.
I hate you!
I'm gonna tell my auntie.
Go to the crack house and tell her.
Ain't nobody scared!
Tell your auntie!
This is Eddie.
I ain't scared of nothin'.
You can tell whoever you want to.
- What'd you do to that little girl?
- I ain't do nothin' to her.
Little Moesha tryin' to criticize
my culinary skill.
I ain't scared!
Get your auntie!
Eddie, man, don't be so crazy.
I should've known your old ass
was startin' trouble.
- Hold on, Gina.
- Oh, shit.
- It was just a misunderstanding.
- Ain't no misunderstanding.
I should've known
you was out here actin' a fool.
I'm tryin' to teach little
Sister Souljah here some discipline.
Now, it's obvious
the way she bein' raised,
she headed
straight for the peniten-sherary.
Raised? Maybe if you stopped
raising your hand to your mouth,
you wouldn't look like Shamu
of the South Side.
Okay. I see where you're
trying to go with it.
What kind of man
treat a little girl that way?
I wouldn't expect you
to know what a man is.
But I'm gonna give you a clue.
Give you a hint,
Throw you a lifeline.
It's one of them things
you can't keep!
Oh, I can keep a man.
I can keep a man.
No, you can't.
I ain't want you, Calvin.
What about you?
The last woman you slept with
was battery-operated.
So? And she was white, too.
I had a black one, but the bitch
didn't knowwhen to keep her mouth shut.
- Why's she gotta be a bitch?
- Why you gotta get up on me?
- Be cool, now.
- Shut up, Calvin.
- Who you tellin' to shut up?
- You.
Everybody get out of here,
little kids and big kids.
I'm gonna tell you
what the problem is.
What's the problem?
What's the problem?
- You don't know your role.
- Know your role. Speak on.
Is you living
in the dark ages or something?
- Do I look like Gina Cleaver?
- Hell, no.
What's your role, watching ESPN
and holding your shit all day?
Ain't nothin' wrong with that.
Nothin' wrong with that.
What you tryin' to say?
Get your lazy ass
off my couch and get a job.
Get a damn job.
Y'all got all the jobs.
- That's kind of true.
- Shut up, Calvin.
You got one more time
to tell me to shut up.
You got a lot of nerve
charging these sisters out here
money to get their hair did,
and you lookin' like Chewbacca.
Don't listen to him.
You look good, girl.
What about you?
Look at that damn 'fro.
What you be doin',
sweepin' up the shop with it?
I do what Calvin
need me to do every now and then.
What Calvin needs you to do is get
off your fat ass and cut some heads.
How you gonna talk about size
when you one Reese's Pieces away
from Jenny Craig yourself?
What you doin'?
I know you ain't...
Don't get in my pool.
I'm in your pool.
Let me tell you something,
you old negro spiritual.
Wadin' in the water
The next time you snatch some food
out of my niece's hand,
I'm gonna kick your ass,
and then I'm gonna burn
your freedom papers.
And trust me,
I'm just big enough to do it.
Can't nobody argue with that.
Don't worry.
She ain't about to do nothin'.
I got a reputation
to keep up around here.
And that little girl
is a devil child, now.
Look, I know she bad.
That's why you come to me.
She got to snappin'
her neck around,
I got to get back at her.
I'm sorry. You make sure
she get that, okay?
Put one of them links on.
- You think she want a link?
- She want a link.
Which one? Right here?
Give me that one right there.
Okay. You give her that, now.
You make sure she get that
and tell her Uncle Eddie's sorry.
- Me and you cool, all right?
- Yeah, we cool.
You got a little somethin'
right there. Get that.
Now get your elbow.
I ain't got nothin'
on my elbow.
Look like a gingerbread man.
I bet that link
don't make it on the inside.
How'd you get with a girl like that?
Get that door
for little Calvin, Junior.
I got what they call
that savoir faire.
She fine.
Now, I know you ain't payin'
that nappy negro no heed.
- Why you even sweatin' it, Cal?
- That Web site's been in my head.
That Web site don't
mean nothin', Cal, man.
Don't even tell you what
it might be like on the inside.
Come on, let's get ready
for our customers.
- Jimmy, hold it there.
- All right.
Yeah, yeah.
What the hell goin' on?
Since y'all wanna be funny,
no rap before 12:00 now.
Come on, man.
Y'all just clownin' up in here.
- Eddie, where the hot wings?
- I tried to tell 'em.
You need a man
that's gonna take care of you.
I'm talkin' about a good man.
A Muslim man.
- And you that man?
- Could be.
Sorry. Once you a customer,
can't have no relations.
Bad for business.
She just had a pork chop.
She ain't tryin' to hear nothin'
about no Nation of Islam.
- Shut up.
- I heard that.
That pork be callin' me, too.
Let me tell you somethin'.
Nation of Islam is more
than a pork-free diet.
It is the word of Allah
as told to the Prophet Muhammad.
Look, all I know
is I'm down with Jesus.
Watch what you say
'cause I'm holdin' the clippers.
- Change the subject.
- Exactly.
I got a question.
You don't find it odd,
as a black woman,
to have a savior
who looks like Kenny G?
- Kenny G?
- That's right.
Now, his Christmas album
was tight.
Look, Jesus is not white.
He's Caublinasian,
like Tiger Woods.
And you just about workin'
my last nerve.
Pay Calvin.
Speaking of Muslims,
is Ahmad Rashad Muslim?
I don't ever see him wear
one of those bowties.
Sorry. Did I wake you?
Late night of creepin'?
You don't know jack
about me, girl.
You know what your problem is?
You know what one
of your problems is?
- You're bitter.
- I'm through, is what I am.
That nice Terri routine?
Ain't nobody fallin' for that.
A nice woman wouldn't
be doggin' my man Dinka.
Ain't nobody doggin' him.
That boy's in love with you, girl.
But you don't want
a good man, right?
What you want, a roughneck
to cheat on you
and slap you around?
- What about them bitches you roll with?
- Watch your mouth.
All of them skanky as hell.
"Ooh, I met Shaniqua
in the strip club last night. "
Those are nice girls?
- You don't know everything.
- I know enough.
Hidin' behind some tattoos
and a prison record.
- Grow up, be a real man.
- Why you even care?!
Showyou what to do with this.
Take this right up here,
put it on the door,
twist it... pop!
It'll put you in like Flynn.
You know what else you could do?
You get a half pound of C-4,
put a little timer on it...
tick, tick, tick, boom!
Blow up the whole block.
I got some at the crib.
What's goin' on?
- No.
- What?
- Don't even think about it.
- That's what I told 'em.
I said the same thing.
It's killin' me, man.
I just gotta know for myself.
We not breakin' in
to Nappy Cutz.
You want to know
what's in there.
No. The answer's no.
We're not breakin' in.
I will not allow it.
Hurry up.
Five minutes.
We in, we out.
This is like Ocean's Eleven.
This is my kind of stuff.
Check this out.
- It's huge!
- Size isn't everything.
Keep telling yourself that.
Eddie, what you doin'?
Didn't we come over here
to see it?
I can't see diddly.
This is the joint, B!
Look at this.
I don't see no fish in the floor.
Where the fish at?
That's crazy!
You can say that again.
- Goodness!
- What?
You can't fry
none of that, though.
You can play ball
up in here, man.
No, you can play ball
down the street.
Like a brother can't get a haircut
without trying to play some ball.
They got the Wall Street Journal.
Top of the line.
This is what a barbershop's
supposed to look like.
- This is leather.
- Word?
- That's pleather.
- It's leather.
It's ugly.
Lookin' around, it's a nice shop,
but it don't have no character.
What we got across the street
is character.
We got character,
we got conversation, and we got...
We ain't got one of these.
Lord have mercy!
This is pillow top!
Come on, City Hall,
show me what you got.
You're startin' to get on my nerves.
You're startin' to get on my nerves.
Let's crack it.
I checked it already.
Let's crack it.
You got me.
Put the ball down.
Oh, shit.
Hey, y'all open?
No, bro, we closed.
Look at all the people.
Let me in.
Hey, bro, we're closed.
- Help a brother out.
- We goin' to jail.
Two seconds, two seconds.
- Just let him in, Big C.
- Don't let him in.
- We can't leave him out there.
- Then let him in.
I'm trying.
Kenard, let him in.
Put that paper back up.
Hey, y'all!
This place is nice!
We closed. Go across the street
and get your hair cut.
Kind of raggedy over there.
Just a quick touch-up.
I'm flying back to L.A. Tonight.
How about it?
- Who can do me?
- Not me, I got carpal tunnel.
I got you.
You got me? My man.
We got Nappy Cutz on Crenshaw.
Love it.
Everybody loves it.
Hey, man,
get these clippers goin', player.
These ain't supposed to be out yet.
This is German-engineered,
titanium teeth,
silent-whisper engine.
- King shit.
- They just clippers.
This would double,
triple your business.
You know what?
I'm gone. Have fun.
Y'all hurry up.
Don't steal nothin'
and don't break nothin'.
Just close the back door
when you leave.
Hey, Detective.
We was just lookin' for you.
What the hell's going on here?
We heard something...
You broke into Nappy Cutz?
- You take anything?
- No.
- Damage anything?
- No.
Kind of nice in there?
Oh, man, they got
a basketball court!
He's beautiful, isn't he?
I just want him to have
everything I never had.
I know you do.
And he will.
So you coming to bed?
You tryin' to get
something started?
I was hoping so,
but you better catch me
before the rollers go in.
Looks like you gonna have
a little brother or sister.
Put them rollers in.
I might like that.
I got contact lenses... blue, green,
bloodshot red... left ones only.
Just the man I wanted to see.
Come back and talk to me.
- I didn't know you was workin'.
- Come holler at me.
How's life been treating you?
It's been cool.
Me and my girlfriend's husband
got in a fight.
He only won
'cause she helped him.
Good to see you.
Come on back.
- In the back-back?
- Yeah, in the back-back.
With the scissors and everything?
How you been, Cal?
You been going to church
and living your life right
and everything?
- What you jumping for?
- I ain't know what you was comin' with.
My nerves bad.
I'm light-skinned.
Can you get this stuff
on this list?
I'm looking to get high-end stuff
at low-end prices.
- You know I can.
- Legally.
You mean like with a receipt legally?
Like I ain't steal it.
If the police walk up,
do I gotta drop it and run?
I can get anything you need.
Nappy Cutz won't know
what hit 'em.
This is not about Nappy Cutz.
This is about personal enhancement,
personal growth.
Not Nappy Cutz.
They won't know what hit 'em.
Come on over here
and get your hair cut.
I'm working at Calvin Jr's.
Come be my first customer.
What you mean, "Uh-uh"?
Can you hook me up with Isaac?
The one with the "I"
cut in the back?
You got a 'fro! You can't be gettin'
the "I" cut in the back.
Condoleezza. With all that
White House money she makin',
you'd think she could
afford herself a makeover.
If I was in the White House,
I'd be fly all the time.
If you was in the White House,
you'd be ghetto as hell.
She'd have the president
all corn-rowed out,
talking about,
"U.S., fool. U.S., fool. "
The president would be a thug.
She think a head of state's
a sexual position.
"I'm inviting heads of state today. "
Oh, my God.
Please stop.
Gina, do I look like Beyonc?
Just like her.
I knew you was gonna say that.
Give me some.
This is like the world
coming together,
like all the gangs
coming together.
There's beauty in there.
You gotta love it, man.
This came
from my grandmama church.
They might want that back.
Who's been chewing on this thing?
It look like Holyfield's ear.
Picture and picture.
This one get channels 2 through 5,
and this one get 9 through 13.
Give me the big one.
Take the little one, too.
You got to take the little one.
- You keep it.
- Cal, you gotta get this little one.
Come on, Cal!
Thought I'd add
a little style to the place.
That's that Picassio stuff
right there.
Yeah, yeah.
What is it, a uterus?
Calvin, I hooked you up
with the alderman.
What'd you do,
get me some handicapped plates?
Better. You're gonna be
on the news.
The news?
The alderman's taking
a walking tour of the block
before Friday's
city council meeting
to let the constituency know
that he's concerned.
About November, right?
I talked him into
talking to you... good publicity.
- You could've asked me first.
- I know.
But it was
a spur-of-the-moment thing.
We don't do politics in here.
It's a place of business.
This ain't no community center.
You know what?
You sound just like
your daddy right now.
We will not be silenced.
When the FBI
gassed the Black Panthers out,
we found a place
to be today.
Thank you, Brother Calvin.
Brother Calvin!
We will continue to provide
books and classes,
food and clothing
through our outreach program.
That's right, brother.
And when the pigs show up,
they're gonna show up with guns.
We ain't gonna do nothin'
but show up with our guns!
Then they gonna start shootin'.
Then we gonna start shootin'!
That's right, brother!
I'm tellin' you, every last
one of them's gonna get shot!
That's right.
Then all of us
is gonna get shot!
And all of us
is gonna die together!
Let's make it happen!
Black power!
Black power!
Black power! Yeah!
Black power!
That's us! Black power!
Power to the people!
Shit, man, them fools crazy.
Well, if it ain't Lalowe Sharpton.
My goodness, my goodness.
The barbershop.
How you doin'? Lalowe Brown.
Checker Fred, sir.
How you doin', Checker?
Lalowe Brown.
Good to see you.
How you doin', sir?
My, my.
Well, well, look at this.
Look what we got...
we got a lady barber.
We didn't have this
back in the day.
- What's your name?
- Terri.
- Sarah?
- Terri.
Lalowe's gonna have to come back
and let you give me a little trim.
- Trim?
- A haircut.
Terri, if you wanna be down,
vote Lalowe Brown.
You remember that.
This is Calvin's Barbershop.
This is a cornerstone
of the black community
for some 40-odd years.
I've been coming down here
many a Saturday afternoon,
get myself straight
for Sunday morning.
But I wanna introduce you
to the man himself,
the man who quantifies
and epitomizes
the institutional possibilities
of black hair.
He is a potentiating progenitor
in all kinds of fine ways.
He's my fine friend,
this brother right here, Calvin.
How you doin'?
Calvin Palmer.
- How you doin', son?
- All right.
Calvin, you are a pillar
of this fine community.
How is everything going for you
with all this social change
happening down here?
Well, Mr. Brown, as you know,
there is a lot of change...
There is a lot of change,
and change
is hard sometimes, right?
But if we want to stand
together as a community,
- we will find a way to survive.
- Tell it!
- Tell it, Lo.
- That's right.
You let Lalowe lay it down for you.
If you wanna stay afloat,
we got to... gonna have to
rock the boat.
Because if they want
to send us packin',
baby, it's on and crackin'!
And if they try to mess
with this brother,
then it's gonna be on
like a mother!
That's a little rough.
If you want to stay around,
y'all know what you gotta do.
Vote for Lalowe Brown!
Hey, Calvin, why don't you
get me a little shape-up?
'Cause I've been running around.
- You got a chair for me?
- Yeah, right here.
Of course we got one for you.
Kenard! Kenard!
- Let Kenard cut your hair.
- Hold on, hold on.
Wait a minute. No.
Get on over there, Get-low.
Sit right on down, So-low.
Nice to meet you.
How you doin'?
- Wait a minute.
- It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
Kenard here is one
of our prima donna barbers.
Front chair.
You ain't had
your hair cut till...
- Kenard.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Let's take a picture.
- Thank you, brother.
Yeah, okay. All right.
Enjoy yourself, Low-below.
You just relax, Down-low.
We on TV, man.
I know. This is must-see TV.
It's gonna be good.
This is why
I love this community,
'cause there's a historical context
for every action that takes place here.
I plan to die here.
We're running short on time.
If we could speed this up?
You can't rush the best, Jimmy.
- He ain't the best.
- He ain't ask you, man.
Well, who's the best, then,
- You the best?
- No doubt. Isaac Rosenberg.
The best barber
in the state of Illinois.
The best barber
on this rock we call Earth.
Come on down to Cal's.
Our rainbow coalition right here.
Yeah, this is integration
right here.
What's up, Ma? Richie?
You're feelin' yourself
way too much.
Don't sweat the technique.
What technique?
You cut like a bitch.
Carvin' I's in the back
of people's head?
- Your skills is limited.
- My skills are limited?
- Where your skills at?
- This ain't the time.
Ain't in cuttin' hair.
Must be slobbin' Terri in the locker room.
What? No.
You ain't supposed to air our
dirty laundry like that. We on TV.
- What is he talking about?
- Dinka, it wasn't like that.
...of populist politics.
- Thug love! Thug love!
- It was not like that.
Everybody's hatin' on me.
'Cause I'm competent?
- You don't make this shop.
- I have lately.
I will confront all of those
forces that are trying to change,
that are trying
to make things happen.
They don't treat barbers
like this at Nappy Cutz.
Why don't you go find out?
You on that bullshit.
Go find out.
We don't need you around here
if you don't wanna be here.
Fine, man.
All right.
Get out of the chair, man.
No, you stay here.
In November, I plan to establish
this barbershop as my headquarters.
At Calvin's Barbershop,
we're gonna make this institution
one of the leading institutions,
like a torpedo moving towards the future.
Yes, indeed. All right.
Kenard, just a little off the top.
I really think it's time
for us to move along.
Come on, Jimmy,
just two seconds.
My bad, brother.
I skipped you.
Why don't you just let me
fade you up?
- How about a nice Quo Vadis?
- What'd you do to my head?
- Don't even look at that.
- Is that my head?
I'm gonna kill you!
I'm gonna kill you!
You a grown man!
You don't do that to Kenard!
Get out of here!
And far from its roots
as a family establishment,
this was the scene today
at 79th and Exchange
at Calvin's Barbershop when
Alderman Lalowe Brown stopped by
for a photo opportunity
and haircut.
Or shall I say scalping?
Needless to say, I doubt
very seriously if the alderman
will be frequenting
Calvin's Barbershop anytime soon.
- Who is it?
- It's Rick.
What do you want?
I wanna talk to you.
I feel bad.
Good. I'm busy.
Open the door.
We gotta talk about this.
- There's nothing to discuss.
- Dinka, I messed up.
What happened
between me and Terri was foul.
It should have never happened.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted.
Can we discuss this tomorrow?
You remember Shawna, right?
What's up, Shawna?
Handle that.
I'll get at you tomorrow.
Maybe the day after.
You should see her
when I'm drinkin'.
'Cause I know her.
Exactly right, exactly right.
What are you doing here?
The question is,
what you doin' here?
Look a little shady to me.
You come up to my shop today
and got the nerve
to be huddled up with this shark.
Don't come in here accusing me
of some malicious and egregious act
when what you should be doin'
is apologizing
for making me look
like a goddamn fool today.
- That's what you should be doing.
- Lalowe.
Ease up. It's cool.
All right there, youngblood.
Ain't nothin' going on in here,
just business.
- I'll bet.
- It's true.
In fact, the alderman and I
were just talking about you.
Well, about your business.
I undervalued the importance
of your shop to this community.
That's my bad.
It'd be a shame to see it
all go away for naught.
Man, I'm from the South Side.
- Don't try to hustle me.
- No hustle.
A hustle implies one side wins,
the other side loses.
I'm proposing a win-win.
I'm proposing that Nappy Cutz
never sees the light of day.
- Is that right?
- I'll turn it into a nightclub.
Your barbershop
will continue to thrive
without any interference from me
or from anyone else.
And this miracle happens
if I do what?
Not tell people
what I saw here tonight?
What'd you see tonight?
What'd you see in here
tonight, Calvin? Nothing.
Have a seat.
No, I'd rather stand.
All you have to do is talk.
The city council meeting
is tomorrow.
We need those other
business owners on your block to sell.
If you were to express to them
and to the governing board that you
believe in Quality Land's proposal,
your voice could be
the determining factor.
At least, I think so.
This could be a shitload of money
for the whole district.
Not to mention, it could be
a nice little windfall for Calvin.
A $200,000 windfall.
Now, that's a nice piece
of pocket change.
You could take your wife
on down to Jamaica.
The real one,
not that one in Queens.
It'd be a nice kick-start
to your kid's college fund.
You have a son, don't you?
Yeah, I got a son.
All you gotta do is talk.
I'm not asking you
for a whole lot, just to...
come on down and...
...just talk.
Just talk.
All right.
See you tomorrow.
You stalking me?
- Just wanna talk.
- Ain't nothin' to say.
Let me drive you to work.
How am I gonna look
rollin' up in your freak-mobile?
Terri, we work together.
We need to have a conversation.
Listen to what I got to say.
After that, you ain't got to
speak to me ever again.
I'll drop you off around the corner.
Get in the car.
Terri, I really ain't
been myself lately.
Ricky, before you even say anything,
I need you to know
that thug-gangta-player
bullshit is over for me.
I'm done with that in my life.
But you don't even know me,
what I'm about.
I see you every day...
late, sleepin'
in the locker room,
runnin' ho's day and night.
How is that not knowing you?
I'm just gettin'
my backpack. Relax.
What is this, a warrant?
Why didn't you say anything?
I couldn't tell nobody I was
studying for the fuckin' GED.
It's embarrassing.
But you passed.
Yeah, but honestly, though,
Now that I got it,
I don't even know what it means.
It means you give a damn
about your life.
You should be proud.
I'm proud of you.
Don't start paying me
compliments and stuff,
'cause then I gotta
give one back to you.
We'd be all over each other again,
and don't nobody want that.
I don't want it.
For the record...
I kind of liked the old Terri
before all the changes.
Loud and angry all the time?
All the time.
Man, I hope you hittin' that!
Miss Emma, is somethin' wrong?
Nothing a little prayer
can't handle, or my pistol.
What's the matter?
They wanna make this
funky little place into a co-op.
I can't afford that down payment.
I'm gonna have to move.
Don't you own this place?
Just because I don't own it
don't mean it's not mine.
You've been livin' here, like, what?
A long time, long enough
to wipe your nasty little butt.
And a whole lot
of others, too.
But it's been worth it, though.
We can't lose you, Miss Emma.
It's about time
for me to retire anyway.
My brother has a nice place
out in Arizona.
You ever been to Arizona?
Hot as hell,
but I got some nice hats.
How can you leave Chicago?
On the bus.
Same way I got here.
Good morning there, youngblood.
You up early.
They fumigating your crib again?
I thought it'd be a good day
to walk and see the trees and dew.
Yeah, they fumigating.
I had a cockroach in my house
so big, I thought it was Shaq.
You're crazy.
- Let me ask you something.
- What?
You done worked and lived
around here for what, 34, 35 years?
Yeah, I guess 30 and some change.
I ain't tryin' to clown, but...
I hope not. You know I got jokes.
Don't you start nothin'.
Let me ask you...
is this the life you wanted?
Or did you ever think
you could do better?
What the hell keeps you
comin' back here every day?
Well, Calvin, you know,
if I was a bettin' man,
I'd say the reason I come back in
day in and day out
is the free chair.
Get real.
Hold it!
Get off him, pig!
...some very sad news
for all of you,
and that is that Martin Luther King
was shot and was killed tonight
in Memphis, Tennessee.
In this difficult day,
in this difficult time
for the United States,
it's perhaps well to ask
what kind of a nation we are...
This ain't right.
We should be honoring the man's
memory, we shouldn't be doing this.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
I'm gonna get on out of here.
I need to go check on Loretta.
She's talking about
moving back to Georgia.
I would only say
that I can also feel in my own heart
the same kind of feeling.
I had a member
of my family killed.
But he was killed
by a white man.
What we need
in the United States...
You be safe out there.
Yeah, I will, man.
Don't worry about me.
I'll probably
stop by Montgomery Ward's,
pick up a TV,
washer and dryer, lamps.
You need anything?
- Move, Eddie!
- No!
- Eddie, get out of there!
- No!
I'll stay a little while longer, man.
Yeah, so after all that
quieted down,
your daddy told me I ain't never
have to pay for my chair again.
That's the kind of man
your father was.
He was a man's man.
He used to always
call me a hero.
The funny thing is
I never saw it that way.
I didn't save the shop, Calvin.
The shop saved me.
A lot like it did for Ricky.
I ain't have no life before this.
As far as I'm concerned,
my life began
on July 4, 1967,
when I came through that back door
and your father gave
my black ass a break.
So I'd be sad if somethin'
was to ever happen to this place.
But I'd be all right, though.
Oh, yeah, Eddie be fine.
Hey, what's up, y'all?
Calvin, can I have a word
with you for a second?
What you want, man?
Well, I know these are
tough times for you, cuz.
It's times like these when men
must rise up and make the right choice.
- Is that right?
- Yeah. It's about the truth.
Each and every one of us
has our own truth,
a truth that we must live with
for the rest of our lives.
Is there a point to this?
My truth is across the street.
I appreciate the job, cuz.
I'll always love you for it.
But I gotta bounce.
Y'all goin' broke
around this mug. Boy, I swear.
All right, all right.
And if anybody wanna come over
anytime and hoop it up,
ring a player, you know?
All this silence
got my gut grumblin'.
I'm gonna run down to Berry's,
get me a pastrami and fries.
Eddie, a man at your age
should be watching what he eats.
If you don't knock the fork
out of my hand,
I won't knock the spear
out of yours, okay, Somalia?
Eddie, get me that chicken tamale
and strawberry shake special.
Get old Checkers a ham and cheese
on some honky bread,
mustard, hold the mayo.
Get me a Mountain Dew
and chopped salad.
I'll take some chili fries,
onion rings,
and a pot pie with egg on it.
Okay, that's gonna be
three orders of "Hell, no"
and two sides
of "Ask your mama"
and a large cup
of "Negro, please. "
Grumpy old man.
Hey, Big C, where you headed?
Just got a little business to handle.
I'll be back.
And when they build all this stuff,
they make it totally unaffordable
for the people
who live here to stay here.
Now, we're South Side people
with South Side money,
and that ain't much.
So I'm against the proposed
Quality Land development project
on 79th and Exchange.
You tell it, sister!
That's right!
Very good!
That's right!
Quiet. Okay.
Before we adjourn
and make our decision,
is there anyone else who'd like
to be heard on this matter?
Let's get this thing over with.
I'd like to say somethin'.
- What's he gonna say?
- Shut up. Shut up.
A little nervous.
I haven't felt like this
since I met my wife's pops.
My name is Calvin Palmer.
I own Calvin's Barbershop
over on 79th.
Been there since 1958.
And all I'd like to say
is that all change isn't bad.
Who can argue with progress?
Better schools, cleaner streets...
something we need
on the South Side.
And I want the best for my son
just like my parents
wanted the best for me.
So some change on 79th
is well-needed
and well-deserved.
Oh, yeah.
Also, I'm happy that people
outside our community
are starting to find the value
in our neighborhoods.
if that means selling our soul
just to make a quick buck,
I ain't with that shit.
It's not worth it.
That's why I'm not sellin' out... some people I know.
Sir, do you know
why Jesus wept?
No. No, I don't.
Well, when Lazarus died,
Martha and Mary,
they cried over his body.
When Jesus sawtheir pain,
he couldn't help but cry, too.
So that's why Jesus wept.
That's how I feel when I look
at people like Hank Tolliver
and Gertrude Rose
and Miss Emma
bein' driven out...
...'cause they don't fit the plan
of the new developers.
We gotta realize that people
make this community,
not $5 coffees
and $20 mugs.
It's the people.
And once you lose the people,
you lose the neighborhood.
So if I had to say,
I would deny
Quality Land Development's
proposal to tear up 79th
because it just ain't worth it.
Thank you.
That's my friend!
That's my friend!
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Palmer.
We'll take a brief recess
and we'll come back with our decision.
You're through.
You know that, don't you?
- That was beautiful, man.
- Thanks.
- How much they offer you?
- Not enough.
We have reached
a unanimous decision.
The proposal
from Quality Land Development
has been approved.
This meeting is over.
What have you done?
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Money, money, money!
What in the world
you people thinkin' about?
Well, I'll be.
How you gonna leave town
without givin' my ring back?
I've been lookin'
for your ass for 35 years.
And I've been carrying
that cheap-ass thing with me
'cause I knew
that's all you wanted.
Cheap? You saddity ho,
give me my shit.
- You ain't changed.
- You ain't, either.
Piece of shit, my ass.
- Come here, girl.
- No, you come here.
- You come here.
- No, you come here.
- Get your butt over here.
- No, you come here.
Look at you.
Lord have mercy.
You look good.
You look pretty, too.
- Don't make me chase your ass again.
- I like when you chase me.
I been 35 years
chasin' after you.
You still got that mattress
on the floor?
What you thinkin'?
We might be able to get down there.
I don't know if we gonna get up.
Nothin' to worry about.
They ain't even real Chicago barbers.
- Mornin', fellas.
- Mornin', young fellow.
- You finally got a day off?
- I quit.
- They fired you?
- No, no.
You know you got fired.
Look at you...
your shirt's still smokin'.
No, I quit on principle.
Politics ain't my thing.
What's going on here?
Look at you.
Well, lookit here.
If it ain't Bobby and Whitney.
Don't try
the opposite-direction thing.
Richard and I are just friends.
"Richard. "
It's "Richard" at work
and "Big Daddy" in the bedroom.
Listen, little man, I got a daddy.
I don't need another one.
So keep your mouth shut
before I punch you in it.
She's back.
- What you doin' here?
- He got fired.
I did not get fired.
All right, fellas, how you doin'?
Well, Jimmy,
first chair is open.
Your old chair is open.
Quiet as it's kept.
I don't know how long
we gonna be open.
We gonna find out today.
- Hey, Calvin.
- Good morning.
All right!
My chair open.
Come on.
What the hell he do?
Well, I'll be da...
Hold on. Where the hell
is my uterus?
In the Dumpster
with the rest of that mess.
If we goin' out,
we goin' out like us.
That's right.
- We back, Big C?
- Yup.
- What you doin' here?
- He got fired.
- Whatever.
- You quit?
I ain't a politician.
- Don't tell me you quit.
- What was I supposed to do?
Is Lalowe Brown
the only politician in Chicago?
Listen, Cal...
Don't even worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
Good to have you back.
Good to be back.
Archie Bunker and George Jefferson
back together again.
- Respect, man.
- All right, respect.
Yo, what's up?
- What's happenin', y'all?
- What's goin' on?
Can somebody tighten me up?
Come on over here, Wakefield.
Sit down.
Serve you right.
What's up, Cal?
What's up, y'all?
Quick lineup?
What's happenin'?
I got you, playboy.
Calvin, I like
what you said yesterday.
What's up, man?
Dinka, can you hook me up?
Yes, sir.
No problem.
Leave my customers alone.
That's Rick's.
Hey, Rick, I'm next with you.
All right.
Whatever you want here.
It looks to me
like the village has spoken.
It's okay.
Just a minor setback.
We can get through this.
Young man, you're on your own.
Remember that.
Hey, Isaac, play somethin'.
Anything but R. Kelly. Please.
Somethin' wrong with that boy.
He need some serious help.
We ain't listenin' to no R. Kelly.
Hold, now. Don't start
talkin' about R. Kelly.
I saw the tape.
Y'all see the tape?
- Yeah, I saw the tape.
- How that boy gonna say it ain't him?
You can't believe everything.
The media likes to spin stuff.
- That was him.
- You don't know.
- I think he was set up.
- He was set up.
He set up the camera.
That's what he did!
He had his head so far
up that girl's behind,
you thought it was Groundhog Day.
But that ain't him.
It ain't just him.
Michael Jackson... his problem
is he got a Ferris wheel.
How you gonna be a pedophile
with a Ferris wheel?
Kobe Bryant... everybody thought
he was Mr. Goody Two-shoes.
Come to find out
he ain't have on no shoes.
He didn't have on
no socks, either.
Man, and Luther Vandross.
You done gone too goddamn far.
Don't talk about
Luther Vandross, okay?
Luther's sick, man.
- I can't talk about Luther Vandross?
- No!
Everybody in here sayin'
I can't talk about Luther Vandross?
I can't talk
about Luther Vandross?
What you gonna do
about it, then?
Eddie, that's what I'm talkin' about.
That's enough!
That's enough!